Poodles Are Really Getting Laid with Heather McMahan
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Ah, that was bad. Terrible. One, two, three. Much better. Better. I got a full... Clap off. Clap off with pumps. Pumps, what have you had it with? Well, Jenny, what I've had it with, again, goes back to what's going on in Florida. Uh-oh. So I was reading that a fifth grade teacher showed a Disney movie. Which one? Strange World. Okay. During the movie, like not even a big deal, one of the male characters...

expresses feelings for another male character and parents are going to the school board saying it violates the don't say gay bill in Florida which fuckers just because you're not saying it doesn't mean people are not gay just for the permanent record for the permanent record just not saying it right doesn't make it go away correct so this teacher is in all kinds of hot water may lose her job

Because of the small little plot in a movie where one character expressed his feelings to another character of the same sex. And that just makes me want to take a kamikaze and just throw it at the whole state. And I know there are great people in Florida that hate it. Yes. Yes. But I mean, these fuckers like.

nobody wants to read any of these banned books until they're fucking banned. Right. There's going to be a run on the banned books. You can't have them at libraries. Guess what? Everybody has a fucking iPhone. So shut the fuck up in Florida. Quit fucking micromanaging everything and acting like you're so great because you don't have gay people or liberal people. What I have to tell you is you have just as many as everybody else. You're just fucking dickheads about it. Well, and have they, have they not ever been to Miami? Well,

Well, I mean, apparently not. Huge gay scene in Miami. They act like this is a choice. Like sexuality is a choice.

And when you are teaching your children that they can't read, look at, or see gay people, you're teaching your children to be judgmental assholes. You're putting shame upon people for no reason. It's like assholes in training. For sure. And instead, this is an opportunity to teach tolerance and acceptance and understanding

I mean, it's that fucker down there in Florida. He's always out there grandstanding. But here's what's funny about him. Short. Short. And then he wears these lifts. So he could even be considered heels. Those could be heels. Exactly. So maybe he does protest too much. So Florida, the liberal, progressive-minded Floridians. We like you. We like you. The rest of y'all can go suck a bag of dicks.

I mean, that is a triple down. I mean, I've just had it every day. It's something else. She has had it again. I'm glad it's not us making news because Oklahoma usually is up for the most judgmental, stupid, ignorant ass shit because of our politicians. Yes. Okay. So let me tell you, you know, recently I flew to Syracuse. Yes, I did. To go pack my oldest child up as he completed his sophomore year.

as they say in the UK, at university. At university. At university. And I had to take two flights to get there. So on my first flight, I'm in a great mood. I get to go see my son. So exciting. I get on the plane and I sit down in my window seat and I see this couple sitting

walk on they're probably 75 to 80 adorable holding hands kind of giggling and I thought to myself they are so adorable that they still have that kind of chemistry all these years later and then they get to my row and he says okay honey I'll be right behind you and they kiss and then she goes to sit down next to me and this is where I had a relapse to end all relapses okay I volunteer oh

I volunteer. I look at the man and I say, I'll trade you seats so you can sit next to your wife. Aren't you precious? That's really nice. And they say, oh, that is so kind of you. That is so nice. So I get up feeling like I am the humanitarian of the year. Profile in courage. Always thinking of others. Nobel Peace Prize. Miss selfless self.

Of all selflessness, I feel like I don't even identify as the host of this podcast. Right. That nice. Right. So as I go out of the row to switch with him, he looks at me and winks and says, there's a baby sitting next to me. Pats me on the arm. What? Pats me on the arm, giggles and sits down. Oh, he just bent you over and knew it. He fucked me so hard. What?

And winked at me to which I'm sitting there saying, no good deed goes unpunished. It never fails. I relapsed. I relapsed from this. I've had it. I'm going to have, I'm not tolerating this shit. I completely relapsed and tried to do a kind thing. You were rainbows and unicorn girl. A gesture of kindness in this 75 year old savage way.

Fucked me and he knew he did. He knew he did. That's the thing. He knew it. He winked and giggled. So I sit down and there's this poor mom, which I've been a young mom with probably about a 10 month old on a plane before. And the baby is very restless. So I just put in my ear pods and I'm like, I'm just going to ignore the baby. Right. So I drink some water and then I put my cup down and the baby wants the cup. So I slam the water.

Wipe my germs off the cup and I give the baby the cup for the baby to mess with the cup. Well, then the baby decides he's thirsty. So she's breastfeeding, which is a normal act, right? So she puts him under this like schmock or schmock, whatever they are, breastfeeding schmock. And the baby starts wanting to play peekaboo with me. With the schmock? With the tit.

Yeah. Tit running, milk running from the tit, milk on the baby's face. It just goes from bad to worse. And all I can think about is this fucking beast mode, savage senior citizen. Right.

that fucked me to the ends of the earth. He did. I mean, he just took you. And how much I kind of admire him. Right. Like I wish I would have said, I was thinking I have admiration for what he just did to me. He didn't say, Oh no, honey, there's a baby sitting here. He totally wrote me in. Anyway, I was really nice to the baby. Really nice. At this point I'd relapsed so hard from my default character setting of being a dick to

that I just was nice to the baby, super helpful with the mom. At the end of the flight, she praised me. Thank you so much for being so kind. I said, you're very welcome. And meanwhile, I'm just eagle eyeing. Right. I mean, just death stare to the man. He gets up, chuckles again as we exit the aircraft. So let me just tell you something, listener, that I've learned.

We have this notion, you know, that senior citizens as they age are going to be kinder and gentler. They're fucking not. They're more cynical. They are. I mean, I'll tell you what. I got my ass beat on the pickleball court, as I told the listeners earlier, by like two 75-year-olds once. You cannot underestimate this generation. Even after their Facebook posts. Okay, I just want to go back to one comment. Okay, let's do.

I'm so proud of you for just staying with the character that the people on the plane thought you were. I did. They thought you were Miss Friendly, Miss Congeniality of Delta Airlines. Here she is. Here she is. It was an Academy Award winning act of kindness. Right. I'm telling you, I won that Oscar. Yeah. I delivered it. Even cold hearted assholes such as myself have...

massive moments, glimpses of kindness. I was going to say glimpses is probably a better word. Glimpses of kindness. Okay. Welcome, listener, to I've Had It Podcast. I am Jennifer. I am Angie. And we call her Pumps, and she is the Princess Diana of podcasting. She is the star of our show, and we love her so much. Thank you, Jessica. Oh, fuck you. Thank you.

I'm going to start. They start calling you pimps. I'm going to start calling you pimps. Pimps because I'm pimp daddy. Uh-huh. That's right. We have Kylie here. We have Richard here. Kylie, let's do a check-in on some social media feedback from all of our devoted and loving fans. Okay. I've got a comment from Andrea. Jennifer is the star. She is ruthless. Pumps is a little too ho-ish for my taste. Like a slut ho?

That's what it sounds like to me. Oh my God. They think I'm a hoe. You're the one popping those sagging dragons out there on YouTube for the world to see. I love it. You're a hoe. I'm a hoe. You no good dirty hoe. I love it. I love, see, ruthless. See, I have a reputation to maintain. Well, not after they hear this episode. And I'll know that you're with congeniality. Yeah. I'm like a selfless facilitator. Right.

Andrea, I am so sorry you had to hear the relapse that took place. After your kind words. On that domestic airline flight I recently took. What's next, Kylie? Lorraine Fries. Okay. She commented on her Instagram and said, Wow, this may be your opinion. Why does everyone have to listen to you? You are a special piece of work. Be quiet. Okay. Who do you think that's directed to? Me? For sure. Okay.

If I had to guess. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I am kind of the mean one. Okay, Lorraine, why does everybody have to listen to us? I mean, are these people dumb? Lorraine, the beauty of this is nobody has to listen to us. Yeah. Not even you, Lorraine. That's right, Lorraine. Why does everybody have to listen?

I have to listen to you guys. Yeah, Kylie does. Right, Kylie and Richard. Yeah, yeah. They are financial hostages. They are hostages. To the pod. And for that, I apologize. But I just don't see a lot. I mean, I don't know who's making Lorraine listen. Another hate listener? I think it just, still, I want to just visit that people...

are on the internet. And when you see something you don't like, you can simply block, continue to scroll. You don't have to put that much more energy into it. But so when you do comment, you might see it as like, Ooh, I just dunked on them. We perceive that as love. Yeah.

Because it's energy. Right. The opposite of love is not hate. It is ambivalence. And here we go. This is why she is the guru. That's right. And that Princess Diana, the Dalai Lama. We can't really talk about the Dalai Lama. Right. Until that tongue situation. Yeah, that was bad. Anyway, she is, I mean, just a spiritual guru of podcasting. A life coach. A guru. A guru.

Pumps, I've had it up to my eyeballs with you constantly on the Internet trying to diagnose yourself with some imaginary disease that you don't have and then calling me and telling me that you're about to die. I've had it. I know. I'm always worst case scenario girl. Get on the Internet, go down the rabbit holes. Pretty soon I'm convinced that I'm dying or have leprosy or something awful. Have you heard about this new product called ZocDoc?

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So guys, I have the hardest time finding gifts for my friends because everybody has everything they want. So I think, okay, I'm going to go buy them a bottle of wine. So then I go to the wine shop and I really don't know anything about wines. But fortunately, Bright Cellars is the wine club that believes anybody can experience the joy of wine. All you have to do is take a quick seven question quiz and they match you with wines from all over the world. And they're all

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And we have a guest today. She is a comedian. She is an actress. She is the host of Absolutely Not, available on all podcast platforms. Let's welcome to I've Had It.

The sensation, Heather McMahon. Okay, Heather, welcome to I've Had It. How are you today? Honestly, I am weaning off of the muscle relaxer, so I am coming in extra spicy. I love it. Let's just let it rip. Let's let it rip. Let's just run out of the gates on the...

what have you had it with? Okay. So I, you know, in this biz, in the comedy world, obviously the women are having our moment, right? But I can't tell you how many times I roll into a theater and I'm going to meet the stage manager, the director of the theater. And I go in to shake their hand and I look them in the eyes. Hey, Heather McMahon, nice to meet you. And I get some sort of weird clammy baby back bitch of a response of a handshake. That's the worst. If I'm coming in

If I'm coming in nice and solid, I expect you to meet me with the same energy. Totally agree. And when you have a man that gives you the half handshake, I'm immediately like...

He is little dick energy and he's probably flaccid in the bedroom. That's immediately what I think. It's a soft serve. It's a soft serve. It is a precursor. Yes. Yeah. It's a, it's a limp dick handshake. And I think it is a precursor to a potential soft serve. If you were to hook up with one of these people at a later date, you know, if the handshake is that limp,

You know, it's followed up by a soft serve in the bedroom, but it's the word. I researched this a little bit and there are different types of handshakes for, I want, I want us all to get into here. Okay. So I'm ready. Yours, the one that you're talking about, you know, the man that you're conducting business with and you're very assertive. I'm Heather McMahon. And then you get the limp dick. You can also get the bone crusher. Yeah. I've had that a few times. And that is the, I mean, this person is overcompensating in their handshake and

you know, a really over the top squeeze. How do you feel about that? See, I'd rather the over the top squeeze. Cause then what I would do is I throw them off their game. So if I'm getting over the top bone crusher, I then take my other hand, my left hand, stick it right on the top of their trap. And I just squeeze that. And I'm like, Carla,

Carl, nice to meet you. And then we both just try and squeeze each other as hard as possible. That's a brilliant move. And at least then he knows I got a wide vagina and I'm not fucking around. He knows not to fuck with her. Okay. What about how do you handle the lingerer handshake?

You know, I am oddly one of those people who's super great in awkward situations, whether it be physically, emotionally, spiritually, like I can kind of handle it. I think it's because I do comedy, but if they linger and it's a little too long, that's when you take the other hand and you wrap it around the, you know what I mean? And you're like, we're just going to stand here and we're going to hold one another. So your, your whole MO is to meet their intensity and double down on theirs.

so that you say, I take your awkwardness and I raise you my awkwardness. Excellent. I learned a very good trick from my dad who was an entrepreneur and in sales. He always taught me like, when you're trying to sell something, you have to come in with the same amount of energy as that person. So if he talks off, you talk off. If they're bold, you come in bold. But when it comes to handshakes,

You know, I always expect people to meet me at the same energy I'm giving them. And that's why I think I'm so honestly bothered and hurt when they, when they don't meet me where I'm at, you know, it's sales. I think that's, I think that's really good advice. Meeting people with their energy. I don't think I would be very good at this.

I think that I would fail at meeting people at their energy. For example, if somebody were to be really soft. Yeah, I couldn't do that. You know, I think it would be difficult for me because then I'm always thinking, why is this person whispering? And when they're yelling, which pumps does often, I'm always like, why are you yelling? I'm just like, she's like, I didn't realize I was yelling. But here's the here's the the handshake. That is the perfect handshake. And it's called the Goldilocks handshake.

And here are the qualities you have to do. So let's see if we all do this. Direct eye contact. Check. Using the right hand. Yes. Firm. Yeah. No longer than two seconds. Yeah. Right. Smile. For sure. Yeah.

And then repeat the person's name. See, I've already forgotten the name. No, I do this every time. Mike, nice to meet you. How are you? So you say their name immediately. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. See, I'm the worst at remembering names. Like even when they say hi, if I say I'm Angie and they say I'm Mike, I've forgotten before the two seconds is over. Well, I think that has to do with your age. No, it just has to do with it doesn't matter how old I am. I'm just terrible at names.

She's pretty old. All right. So what else have you had it with? Honestly, I'll be honest with you. I hope they're not a sponsor of the podcast. Starbucks coffee is disgusting. Okay. I just didn't get off Uber Eats because I'm desperate because I'm out. And I burned my grundle from Starbucks a couple of years ago. Somebody dropped a hot coffee in my lap and I had the evidence and my attorney never did anything with it. So...

Now my attorney, who is my sister, just has a bunch of photos of my burnt Grendel on her phone somewhere. So I'm bitter, but I still keep going back. Was this a drive-thru situation? They spilled it while you're in the car? They put another cup in a mug. This was peak COVID. So they handed me the mug and I had to take a hot coffee out of the mug they gave me. So as soon as I got it into my car, it

the lid wasn't on and it just dropped right in my car. Oh shit. It was gnarly. It was gnarly. And here I am. I mean, this, it's not even good. It's not even good. You know what I mean? If you see these girls on Tik TOK that are like, this is my Starbucks order. And it's like seven pumps, mocha whip, you know, it's dry, but it's also has 2% milk. And then it's got Dolce de leche syrup. And I'm like, it all tastes like fucking trash. What are we doing?

I'm tired of everybody Instagramming when they get coffee. This is not an Instagrammable action anymore. We get it. We're humans. We drink coffee. I'm tired of seeing the decor on top of the foam on coffees. I've had it. Your coffee has a heart on it. That's fucking great. I've seen 75 million of them. Let's move on. Let's Instagram something more interesting, more clever, more witty, or something more disgusting, something somewhat thought-provoking.

We need hot dogs. Let's bring back hot dogs. There you go. Putting on your wiener. There you go. Exactly. I would rather watch a hot dog eating contest than see some Gen Z or millennial with a fucking heart foamed coffee. I've had it, had it, had it, Heather.

I've had it even worse than the coffee is I somehow got sucked into water TikTok where it's grown women who are putting Captain Crunch flavored syrups, Crystal Light, you know, mixing like like Fruity Pebbles flavored.

powders in their water to flavor their water. It's called a slice of lemon. It's called spa water. If you can't handle a slice of lemon, maybe, you know, a cucumber and a sprig of mint, what the hell are we doing here? Right.

Have you seen the water TikTok? I've never seen it. And I'm scared because we're talking about it right now. And I'm terrified that my phone's hearing this, Heather. And now I'm going to be on some deep dive 745 weeks deep into this fucking tragedy that is water TikTok. It's women who they will show like their entire pantry. They're like super organized. And they're like, today, I'm going to have a birthday cake flavored water. And so they'll go through their different concoctions.

Swear to God. Swear to God. Grown-ass women. Angel food cake, cookies and cream, German seven-layered chocolate coconut cake. And they go through and they open their little organizers and they add all these different flavors to their water to make it taste like a German coconut chocolate cake. And I'm like, just...

What happened to lemon? It's disgusting. It is so viral right now. Water talk is so viral. And it literally makes me for like, it just makes me sad for like mankind. Like if this is where we're at, where we can't just have a little essence, a little LaCroix, you know what I mean? I don't know what we're doing. We will fail as a society. Like if, you know, we've already been through enough in the last couple of years, but if another pandemic comes around and we're relying on the women of water TikTok to build us back up as a nation, we're fucked.

What I need to know is who are these monsters? Right. Who are these monsters? And here's the thing. If they have organized pantries like that,

they probably have offspring. Right. They're breeding. You know, so this is a multi-layered generational problem. This water talk is now going to be generational because what are their children going to talk about? And you know, little Mackenzie's at school. She's like, I'm so sorry. I didn't bring in my art project because my mom was up till 4 a.m. doing water talks. But sometimes you need to

a new combo. It's banana split. But no, I'm not. I will not be here to take my final exam because I was tired. I was making mommy's TikToks. The children are who's suffering at the end of the day. They are. They are suffering. They are totally suffering. And I've seen these TikToks where it's a mom who's

That's a pretty like attractive, cute mom. And then she's a good dancer. And then she's got the six year old doing the dance with her. Right. And I, every time I see one of those, I don't think, Oh, that's such a cute mother daughter video. I think that poor six year old got their fucking ass chewed so many times during the production of this podcast.

What appears to be benign mother daughter dance. And you know, that child had multiple timeouts, right? Five, six, seven, eight. Come on, get your hip into it more. You know, it's just a total, you know, mom Zilla moment. So Heather, tell us, how do you feel about boundaries?

I, of course, boundaries are a healthy thing. Of course. But I think everyone's gotten a little too comfortable using the word boundaries. Agree. But you can't just be an asshole and then make boundaries. I'm not talking boundaries. We're adults. Let's have an adult conversation. Work this out. We can agree to disagree. We can say, hey, I need a timeout from this friendship. But I love everyone's just like boundaries, bitch boundaries. It doesn't work that way. Well, I think what you're pointing out is that

Because we live in the modern psychological era, everybody does know what toxic means. We know what boundaries mean. We know who, you know, what narcissism means. But with that comes a lot of abuse and misuse of these things. But people are using these to try to act like, look at how healthy I am. Right.

And in fact, it's like red flag energy. You're getting gas lit by them on how healthy they are that they've over-therapized themselves. But I'm like, but, you know, but Brenda, you're still drinking white wine alone in your car before Bible study. You know what I mean? Like, you know,

You're worried about how you're getting home, sweetheart. Okay. I'm going to throw out some things and y'all, and let's, let's discuss as a group. If we think that these things, we should have boundaries or not have boundaries. Okay. Let's say you dated a guy for like five or six years. You're broken up.

And the guy is still hanging out with your family. First of all, my mother, every single person I've ever dated, she's always been like, Heather, this was your fault. You know what I mean? So I would probably have to draw boundaries with my mom. But also like, you know, at this point, I'm like, do you want to deal with my family? Great. If you want to take my mom shopping or do that. But I probably kill him first. You know what I mean? I don't have a lot of exes hanging around. Yeah.

Do y'all remember back when Brad Pitt first started dating Angelina Jolie after that Mr. and Mrs. Smith, you know, in the Vanity Fair article? And poor Jennifer Aniston's out there. And then like Us Weekly or somebody, it's like, Jennifer Aniston goes to Missouri with Brad Pitt's mom. And I always was just like, man, she's with Brad Pitt's mom. Missouri. Missouri.

Meanwhile, Brad and Angelina are on the coast of France, you know, creating their Miraval wine. Exactly. A dog was with Brad's mom. Yeah. I was just like, oh, dang. Okay. All right. How do you feel about couples having split custody of a dog? Well,

You know what? I think that's healthy. I really do. Because I have two fur babies, my French bulldogs. I have two French bulldogs. You get it. Once you're a Frenchie mom, it changes your life. It's over. As much as I always tell my husband, though, we'd never get divorced. One of us would murder each other. But if, God forbid, we needed a quick legal separation, I would still let him see the pets. Absolutely. I'm not a monster, you know? Yeah.

Oh my God, that reminds me. I'm in a divorce attorney by trade when I'm not doing this. And one of the very first cases I had, I was like a baby lawyer, maybe two years out of law school. And we had a plan set up for a divorcing, no child couple, but they had these two like golden retrievers, I think. So we did a visitation schedule that she had him half the time, he had him half the time.

One day he calls me snot slinging, crying. I could barely understand what he was saying. And on her visit, she took the dogs and had them put to sleep. What? Yes. Yeah. I mean, it was horrible.

Were they like healthy dogs? Yes. Get her address. No, I mean, it was horrible. Yeah, they were healthy. There was nothing wrong with the dogs. She just hated him that much and wanted to punish him. Didn't you have a case where a client had a baby monkey and they had to share custody of the monkey? Yes, the baby monkey. Yeah, the baby monkey. I mean, this divorce shit is crazy.

Pumps always said, you will see people that will spend $50,000 to prevent the other person from getting a stapler. Right. Yeah. You know, that's just like, no, that's my state and they will spend all of this money. And I mean, a lot of her job when I hear her on the phone with a client is just straight up babysitting. No, you cannot bring your lover to court. He needs to stay in the car. Yeah.

And she says it with like a straight face and she hangs up. She's like, Oh, these people. But I just really quick about the Frenchies because fuck off. Okay. For you. Not you, Heather pumps. Yeah, that's fine. You can tell me to fuck off. I'm on a muscle relaxer. So the Frenchies, so I have to tubby and cha-cha and they are the most precious, most

And there are jealous friends and jealous people that you can have in your life that get really judgmental and hateful towards such a loving, fabulous relationship. I'm not going to mention names, Heather, because I'm not a petty person as we just established. But if you do have somebody in your life that diminishes and demeans your relationship with your dogs, I would say draw a boundary. Right.

Right. As big as you can with that person. And then let the world know, listeners, you're in the market for a new co-host or new friend for this hypothetical person. I could not agree with you more. And I love the golden doodle bitches who, you know, are just as they're just as overbred as the Frenchies. Right. My golden doodle, my golden doodle, Charlie. They're on the fricking channel.

And, you know, the golden doodles are just running around in circles. And then they want to make a comment when my friend, she doesn't zoom me. They're like, wow, your dog's weird. Is that a pug? Is that a pug? Is that a pug?

It's a Frenchie. And your gold noodle Charlie just bit that kid's face. You know, it's, we need to talk about this. The poodles are getting laid more than any other type of dog. There's every kind of doodle. And these poodles are fucking all these other breeds, big dogs, little dogs, chihuahuas, Dobermans. The poodles are having more sex than anybody on the globe. It's unbelievable. That's how fuckable the poodle is.

Yeah, I don't know what's in the kibble, but there's something going on. These dogs are horned up. They are. They are. I guess it's consensual. I'm hoping it is. I'm hoping so, too. I do, too. I think it's a problem. I don't think this is getting enough press at all. I don't think it is either. And I think this is the, you know, as three white women, I think this is what we need to do.

Poodle rape. You know what I mean? And that's enough America. Yeah. We've had it with the poodles getting laid all the time. Okay. How about this one? Um, your spouse pooping with the door open. Oh,

Okay. That's a boundary. You know, I, I like Meghan Trainor's music, but I know that there was this like whole bit that was going around that she and her husband have, you know, dueling toilets because they like to do together. It's too much. It's too much. And anybody knows if you've been married, your spouse are always knows when you have diarrhea. I mean, every day I texted my husband literally yesterday. I said, I almost shit myself in the garage. I almost didn't make it in time. Okay. And he's like, glad you made it, babe. But yeah,

I don't also need to have the door open. Absolutely not. That's, that's insane. Well, you, you though, sometimes you've been in a situation perhaps where you've had that toddler like impulse to poop where she's come barreling in my house, my housekeeper and myself are standing in the master bedroom.

Down the pants go Nagasaki Hiroshima. Well, if that's an emergency. It was an emergency, but nonetheless. An emergency is an emergency. It was. It was. I will say, Josh, when we used to work together, her husband's an attorney also. We used to work together and we both like,

cannot hold it. So we would take pictures of ourselves on the pot and like the weirdest places we were pooping. Like here I am in the Logan County bathroom that should be condemned taking a dump. We used to do that. Not that I'm proud of it. My husband and pups both have this toddler like impulse with shitting. And my husband, one time we went to this party and we live in Oklahoma city and it's probably like two miles North of our house. Um,

We're driving down. We're zeroing in on literally 45 seconds from our house. Okay. 45 seconds. There's a seven 11 kind of at the end of our street. And we're about a block from the seven 11. And Josh says, I'm going to pull into this seven 11 so I can take a shit. I'm incredulous because I'm doing the math. Like that's five seconds to the seven 11, but 15 to 20 seconds further to the house. And I go, Oh,

But our house is right here. And he goes, okay, fine. I won't. And then two seconds later, he looks at me and he goes, I'm shitting. I'm shitting my pants right now. And I am just sitting there thinking, how does this happen? How am I with this person in a car with this person? How did I marry him? I doubled down, had two kids with him. What the fuck is going on?

My biggest thing with my husband is right now is like, cause we don't have kids, right? We just have these Frenchies. But my husband does not realize that like in the morning when he gets up, you got to let the dogs out first, right? Let the dogs out. Then you can do a 45 minute shit. And then he's shitting for 45 minutes. So then I have to get up and he's like, Oh, what was the big deal? I'm like, they let the kids shit first, Jeff. Yeah.

It's not an emergency. You're the adult here. You can hold your doodoo for three more minutes. It's the fact, too, that it takes an hour. Meanwhile, I'm out there slaying dragons. I'm out taking names, shaking my tits, put cash on the corner. You know, I'm bitter. I'm bitter. Okay, Heather, now we're going to play a game with you called Hat It or Hit It. Oh, my God. Welcome to Hat It or Hit It. I would hit it. Hat It.

I hit it every day, sometimes twice a day. Okay. Tell us if you've had it with this or if you would hit it. Okay. Martha Stewart on the cover of Sports Illustrated at 81. I would hit it. I would smack it. I'd flip it over, reverse it, and try and sit on her face. Martha Stewart is hot. I love her. I respect her. She is the best. It's amazing.

Unbelievable. 81 on the cover of Sports Illustrated. Good for her. Totally agree. And let's all remember that this woman like built an empire. Right. Got in trouble. Served her time.

Came back out, put her big was never a victim. And then like quadrupled her empire post-prison. I mean, she is amazing. And I love that they are on such a kind of sexist, you know, cover of Sports Illustrated. I mean, really hot women, but it is kind of more women in swimsuits. They prop out Martha Stewart, who is so hot, 81 years old. Incredible.

Good for her. And you know, if anything, it was so empowering to every other woman. My mom is a knock down, drop dead gorgeous 75 year old. And my mom saw that. I was like, mom, you should be on the cover. Like, you know what I mean? It's just inspiring. It's like, hell yes. I am woman. Hear me roar. I'm so here for it. I love it. Okay. Had it or hid it.

mocktails? You know what? I'd say hit it. I think there are some days we're all drinking too much. I mean, I love, I love, you know, my buttery Chardonnay. I like a Mai Tai, like a rum runner. I like just tequila on the rocks, but there are days where I'm exhausted and I want something a little fizzy with a touch of ginger and a sprig of mint, but I don't necessarily need to black out and be face down ass up.

in the lobby of the Four Seasons. So if you want a mocktail to feel refreshed and feel like you're doing something fancy, but you can also drive your children home safely from dinner, I think that's fantastic. I like it. I agree. I like it. Okay. Had it or hid it, Jared Leto. Oh, honey, hid it. Okay. Agree. Agree. Also, the fact he's in his 50s, I really want to know who the doctor is because he's clearly like, I mean, he's had the perfect amount of work where I,

He needs to give us a secret. He's in his 50s? 51. Shut the fuck up. Oh my God. I could be dating Jared Leto. He's age appropriate for me. You're only a few years older. Only two years older than Jared. I mean, that's a great couple. That is a...

Pumps and Jared Leto. Okay. Had it or hit it Disneyland? Oh, it's a double-edged sword because I'd really love to be cast in a Disney movie. So if they do ever cast me, obviously hit it. But I've had it with Disney adults for a long time. I used to talk about this in my standup all the time. Like, I think it's just so weird. These, these grown adults who go to Disney world without children and then they'll like honeymoon in the magic kingdom. So I'm like, let me get this straight. You're going to a

place where kids like to hang out to like fuck for a week that's weird that's weird we need those are boundaries that's triggering you know what I mean what about the people that get married

at disneyland or disney i think this is red flag city yeah i mean it is it is just fucked up beyond the pale in my opinion that when you think of getting married you're gonna trot it out fucking epcot center i'll never forget the very first person and i was young so it's like 30 years ago they were saying they were going to get married at disney world and i was just like what

why I mean I'm just why would anybody or go on your honeymoon to Disney World like you were saying they're fucking in the Magic Kingdom it's bizarre it's bizarre I understand that like maybe my childhood wasn't as magical as everybody else right grew up going to Disney but I'm hoping that if I go back to Disney I'm going with my children okay lastly had it or hid it in-laws oh

I had it because mine didn't come to my wedding. So yeah, it's tough. Yeah, that's bad.

Yeah. Yeah. It's tough. You know what? Families are hard. Families are hard. They are hard. In-laws are harder. Families are hard and in-laws are harder. I think it's more like these moms. And I talk about this in my new tour, the moms who have these sons, I don't know what happens, but as soon as you pop out something with a penis, these women become like Lord Voldemort. And I just don't understand. Like, I always think if I were to have a son,

I would try and be best friends with my daughter-in-law, even if I hated her. Right. Be so nice to them that they will stay close like a French bulldog. And then you can squeeze it. Right. You know, my mother, so I have an older sister and an older brother. And my mother says,

It is so much easier to access your grandchildren through your daughter than through your son. Because if it's your son, then you have to go through the daughter-in-law. And my mom told me, so no matter who, and I have two sons, no matter who your sons marry, even if you think this woman is a raging bitch, be friends with her because that is the access to your son and to your grandchildren. So listen up, listener. Pops has a game for you. I think I'm really, really, really good at fuck, marry, kill.

Okay, great. So I want to ask you a couple fuck, marry, kills. Fuck, marry, kill. Pete Davidson, Jeff Bezos, Larry David.

Okay. Kill Pete Davidson. All right. And I know that's probably, you're like, what are you talking about? I'm going to kill Pete Davidson because it's exhausting. I'm going to marry Jeff Bezos so we can just skeet around on the yacht. And I'm absolutely having sex with Larry David. Are you kidding me? I want to see, you would laugh your ass off. He'd be so grumpy. It would be so awkward. Can you imagine sitting around at brunch the next day and telling all your friends how just neurotic and insane having sex with Larry David is?

I'm essentially married to an Italian version of Larry David, so I find him hot, sexy. Larry, call me. Same. I am the biggest Larry David fan. I mean, I think Curb Your Enthusiasm is the most brilliant comedy ever made. Love it. Okay. Okay. Last one. Rihanna, Jamie Lee Curtis, Judge Judy. Oh, my God. Okay. Well, I'm fucking Rihanna. Okay.

I'm marrying judge Judy because she's low key worth like a hundred million dollars. She's one of the highest paid women in television. And I hate to say it. I love Jamie Lee Curtis, but I'm going to kill Jamie Lee Curtis simply because, you know, um, Rihanna and judge Judy are way richer. Yeah. Rihanna is more fuckable and judge Judy is richer. Yeah. You know, Rihanna is going to come in and some like hot Fenty number covered in body glitter. It'll be sexy. It'll be hot. Yeah. Yeah, totally. Totally. Totally.

Heather McMahon, you are like, I mean, tap the vein, inject your shit right in the Frenchie, the irreverent humor, the cynicism. I mean, we love you and we pick up everything that you put down, girl.

Well, I love y'all. And I just want to say y'all are just blowing up, crushing it, like just going hard in the paint. And I think it's so fantastic and refreshing. And I love the bullshit that y'all are talking because I agree with you on all of it. So congratulations right back to y'all. Well, thank you so much. Have a great show. We saw your radio sitting. You're already on the marquee. I still am waiting for the day that I show up to for my show. And they're going to check the, you know, the clipboard and say like, no, wrong, wrong venue. I still have a body for me.

But I can't believe it. This is like my wildest dreams come true. I love it. You've got this. Thank you, Heather. Thanks so much, Heather. Bye. I think I want to have her replace you. I kind of think I want her to replace you too. I think she'd want me more because then we would have four French bulldog children together. Well, but I could get two long-haired Frenchies and woo her with the long-haired Frenchies. This is my master plan. I want to secretly buy you

a French bulldog and watch the love affair blossom. And I just know, and they're needy and it would be, I think it would be therapeutic for you because they're so codependent and you would soon, you're going to be a complete empty nester. Yeah. And that fucking wolf you have is not going to fix it.

He's too independent. You need a little, needy, squishy Frenchie. Yeah, but the way that you have to put your fingers over them when they sneeze and all that, they're pretty complicated. They're not complicated. Think about all the shit you do for your kids. Well, but they're human. Oh, I don't want to go around this corner again. All right.

Oh my God. Okay. Heather McMahon's amazing. She's amazing. Listen up, listener. Go give us five stars, write a review, send us a voice memo, subscribe to Patreon, do all the shit you're supposed to do because we've had it with you not doing it. Do it. Some of you do. And we will see you next Tuesday. I'll tell you what I've had it with. Let's hear it.

I'm John Glover. Emmy award-winning researcher John Glover and I'm Marissa Pinson. Critically unacclaimed TV writer Marissa Pinson. And we're the hosts of the new podcast On Brand with John and Marissa. Join us every week for an exploration of the world's most interesting and iconic brands like Walmart. Do they still have

the old people who say welcome to Walmart. No, they got rid of them. So you just want more old people in the store? I want every staff member to be over 90. And Heinz. Heinz. Heinz. I say Heinz like I'm a German dictator. And while you learn about these legendary brands, you'll also learn a bit about us. Hey John, do you still sleep in shoes?

There's probably, I would say probably three times a year I fall asleep in shoes. You told me the thing that you should never look under a Costco chicken. Well, I don't think you should ever look under a chicken. So tune in every Wednesday for a brand new episode of On Brand with John and Marissa. Available May 24th wherever you get your podcasts. See you there.