Politically Incorrect with Susie Essman
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So are we supposed to start the podcast? Ready? One, two, three. I mean. Nailed it. It is a big day in the big city. Big clap to bring us on. I'm really proud of it. From a big star. I don't know about that. All right. Pumps, what have you had it with? Okay. What I've had it with, and I know I'm an offender, is when you're walking and somebody walks on the back of your foot.

They like come up behind you and walk on the back of your foot. And I do it to you in airports. All the time. And I hate it when somebody does it to me. And you're always super gracious about it. Because I always, well, of course, might be a stretch. But that's happened to me over the weekend like four times. And it was just all I could do, not just turn around and bitch slap somebody.

So I'm making an effort. I'm going to make a pledge that I'm not going to do that anymore because I hate it, hate it. I've had it with it. It's unnecessary and I know I do it and I'm going to do better. So it's a cell phone and I've had it. I think it was missing one ingredient. What? An apology. I always apologize. I'm so sorry. I'm kidding. No, here's the thing. I know you don't mean to do it. No, I know. I know it's not intentional and, you know.

You know, we're always schlepping through airports, hauling our stuff, going from point A to point B. And you're always like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. And I'm just like, it's fine. You know, it's just for me, there's so much shit that goes down in an airport that irritates me. You stepping on the back of my shoe or my heel is the least irritating out of all of the things that I have to endure here.

in an airport. Well, when you put it like that, that's true. But I get so irritated by it. So I'm just, I thought about that. I was like, that's my habit. And I fucking do it every time to Jennifer. So I'm going to really, that's my new, that's my airport resolution. How did you react when this happened to you four times this weekend? I was fine about it the first couple of times.

The third time I looked back and gave a dirty look. And the fourth time I was like, quit stepping on my fucking feet. Back up. Who was it? My daughter. Oh, okay. So that made it especially more irritating. Yeah. Yeah. I'm turning over a new leaf. We'll see how long it lasts. Yeah. Probably not very long. Yeah. You have a very...

selfish approach to walking right in group settings yeah like you just take off away from the group and when I say group it's like me you and Kylie right and then nobody knows where you are recently we were at a basketball game I mean thousands upon thousands of people nobody knew where you were you know what also is I have a lack of observing my surroundings

I'm just walking and then I'm like, oh, the person in front of me stopped. Like I'm not paying attention to my, I don't pay attention to my surroundings in a great way. I'll tell you what irritates me is when you're walking and if there's a flow of walkable traffic, you're in a subway tunnel, you're on a sidewalk, you're at a basketball game, you're at an airport and there is a definite two-way flow and a person stops and

right in the middle of the flow. And then they might look at their phone or do something, you just about run into them. It's like a rear end crash. And they don't think maybe I should kind of merge over here to the wall, then stop so that I don't block this walking traffic. And I really despise that because I'm a very fast walker and I almost just

back in people. Right. That happened to me just the other day, leaving a basketball game. Somebody just stopped and looked at their phone. Everybody was leaving. There were thousands of people leaving, just dead ass stop. And I was just like, what? Walked around in a real huffy puffy. Oh, I bet it was a Karen. It was. I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow this sidewalk down. Absolutely. I bet it was. All right. Let me tell you what I've had it with. Convertibles. Convertibles.

Convertibles? Here's the thing about convertibles. Growing up, it was like, oh my God, Jane Doe got a convertible. And it was like this big thing. When you ride in a convertible, they're miserable. Miserable. You're just beaten to a pulp. Your hair's a wreck. It never looks that great. It doesn't look anything remotely like it does in the movies. You can't hear. You can't

really even hear the music. You can't even possibly have a conversation. I think it is the most overrated automobile ever. And why they're so highly sought after is amazing to me. And I will admit that originally in my youth, I fell prey to the convertible allure.

But after having ridden in convertibles and the misery that it is, you know, it's just wind warfare out there in the convertible. I mean, you can't hear a damn thing. Hair looks like shit. Skin's flapping like crazy. And you pay additional funds for this. I don't understand it. I don't get it either. And that's funny that you said that because I just watched a movie over the weekend and I was like,

I wouldn't get in a convertible to save my life. Number one, the number one issue is the wind in your hair. You look like hammered dog shit after you get out. In Oklahoma, particularly, there's maybe five days a year that it's not too hot or too cold to ride in a convertible. And you see all these people, you know, the first day of spring out in their convertible. And I just think,

They're miserable. That is the most miserable ride. You can't talk. You can't hear. And I think in my mind growing up, because I too thought,

boy, hot girls, they like convertibles. They look great in convertibles, like sexy, hot, hip. And then, because you kind of feel like in the movies, it's like the wind's kind of a little bit blowing, just enough glossy. You just look perfect. In reality, you look like you've been through a beat down. Let's just face it. It's showboating because everybody looks to the convertible. Sure.

And then you draw this attention to yourself after you've ridden in it. Your hair looks like shit. Your skin is vibrating, you know, especially if you're on the highway. I've been in these convertibles before with friends and I'm like, can we roll up the windows at least? Which makes it a little bit better. Yeah.

But it is like there's nothing enjoyable about a convertible except for the image that we have from our youth of somehow just, you know, what was it? Vacation. Chevy Chase Vacation. Do you remember Christy Brinkley? Christy Brinkley.

It never looks like that. And let's face it, most people that drive convertibles are not supermodels. They're old men going through a midlife crisis that are not very attractive. Right. Draws all this attention over to them. You'd rather not have seen it in the first place. Absolutely. Well, you know what I think every time I see one of those old men in a convertible? Let me guess. Yes.

It's shrinking. We've got some shrinkage over there in that convertible. Yeah. I recently saw on YouTube comments, I think it was YouTube, they said, you girls need to quit body shaming men about their penises. Well...

I hate to double down. Here's the deal. We're probably not going to stop. You're probably right. We probably shouldn't talk about teeny weenies. Absolutely not. We approach it from a psychological standpoint, right? Absolutely. That's what we're... And here's the thing. The penis...

has controlled a lot of things. And until the vagina is on equal footing with the penis, the penis remains on the table for criticism. Teeny weenies at the top of that list. Maybe you're right. Maybe we should be more PC about the teeny weenies, but we're not big people with big ideas. No. We're little people like the teeny weenies. That's right. That's right. And I mean, I just, I'm going to say it, but

I think the person that made that comment, teeny weeny, teeny weeny. I mean, who says that? Just double down. I double down. I mean, you have to double down. But back to the convertibles. I'm just going to say I've had it with convertibles. Had it. Had it. It's a racket.

I don't see attractive people driving them. I don't think it's an enjoyable ride. I think it's grandstanding and showboating. I think it is the most overrated vehicle on the streets. I want to be in a car with my noise, with my music, with my ideas, with my air conditioning and or my heat. I don't want to be windblown like I'm in the middle of a fucking dryer. Right.

I agree. I want no part of any convertible whatsoever. And I think moving forward, I'm not going to ride in any. If any friend has one, I'm just not going to ride in the convertible.

Yeah, I will say I completely 100% agree. I think we've overlooked it. It's been way overlooked. It's way overrated. Nobody talks about it. Everybody's just like, oh, yeah, it's a dream car. I want to get a convertible. Fuck that. Fuck that. Yeah, I want a car with a proper roof. I have a sunroof in my car. Guess how many times I open it? Never. Zero? Zero. Goose egg? I used to get mad. Big bagel?

I used to get mad if the car I was buying, like it came with a sunroof because I was like, I don't want that. It makes me hotter. It makes me colder. I want no part of it. I like the natural light. Of course you do. I like the natural light. Yeah. You're a big natural light person. Because I'm not a vampire. Right. I am a vampire. You are a vampire. So I don't love natural light. A vampire that picks on men that have teeny weenies. Yeah. Welcome to I've Had It. I'm Jennifer. I'm Jennifer.

I'm Angie, the biggest ridiculer of the small penis in North America. My co-host, Meemaw. Kylie is our producer. She's here with us today to make sure we don't get in trouble, which I think we already have. Probably. Yeah. I think that was a great hat. I just want to say Jennifer Welch has been nailing her hat. She has. You always do. And I'm always so impressed. Thank you. Brings it. All right. I've got some reviews for you guys. Okay. Okay.

We're just going to fly through a couple. Five stars from M. Chud, 2004. And it's titled, I'm Gay and Jessica's Laugh Turns Me On. That's good. And he writes, as said in the title, Jessica turns me on. Sorry, Diana. I'm not into lezzies unless you want to peg me. Also, I love the hate chicken and Hobby Lobby. Sorry, Jessica's mom, Linda.

I like that. Yeah. All right. This one is from Gav R. Camp, five stars. And they write, I really want to get my hands all over that Siberian husky. Oh, pups. And her Siberian husky. I'm thinking the dog. I just now got it. Now I think they're talking about your vagina. Got it. All right. Five stars. Titled Filth.

I have never heard this deep of filth come out of two middle-aged Southern women. As a strong evangelical Christian, I am deeply offended every single minute of this podcast. I have never missed an episode. That's a great one. That's great. You know, it cracks me up that when I see, we see people comment about the cussing. It's always a certain type of people every single time. If it's a woman,

They're usually middle-aged, probably are demographic, but they are probably conservative-leaning politically and for sure religious, and they're offended. And then when it's a man, it is like...

you ladies sure are smart. I just sure wish you wouldn't drop so many F-bombs. However, if it's, you know, any other male comedian or podcaster, they would never dream of telling them what language to use. So you've either got the butthurt Christian women that are mad about the cussing,

Or the men who think that women should be a particular way that should not be allowed to say fuck or shit or whatever. And here's also the thing I'm going to say. Your life must be absolutely fantastic and you must have an incredible ability to drown out major significant problems. If pumps and I saying fuck riles you up. Yeah. Good for you.

Well, and the ladylike. It's not ladylike to cuss. Which is just sexism. 100%. And I could cuss like a sailor 30 years ago. I've only honed my craft. And I like it. Yeah, I like it too. Sometimes the only word on planet Earth that covers your feeling is...

It's fuck. Agreed. That's the only word. Sometimes it is the only word available to describe a particular feeling or action. Agree. I think it should go on the feelings wheel. It's a great idea. Great idea. That's a great idea. Happiness, gratefulness.

How do you feel today? I feel fucking awful. Yeah. I like it. Yeah. All right. Make you change. The fuck meter. The fuck meter. There you go. The fuck meter. All right. All right. Thank you for reading those, Kylie. It's always good to hear from our listeners, especially the evangelical Christians that listen to every single second of the podcast. Okay.

Today is a really big day in our podcasting careers, our very short podcasting careers that are probably destined to end very soon. Yesterday's news by tomorrow. Yes. But for those of you that are diehard listeners, you know that my favorite podcast

television show ever invented, ever created. I've watched every episode two to three times is Curb Your Enthusiasm. And I love everything about that show. I love Larry David. I have a framed photograph of Larry David on my desk at work. I do not have a framed photo of my biological human children. I do have framed photographs of my dogs and Larry David on my desk.

We've reached out to Larry David multiple times. Crickets. Crickets in response. I don't think it's going to happen. But we did reach out to Susie Essman. Love. And she, of course, plays Susie on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Yep. And guess what? She is coming on I've Had It podcast, which is just like...

Speaking of cussing. Oh, she's brilliant. Try to remove the word fuck from Susie's character on Curb Your Enthusiasm. And that is nothing short of an egregious crime against the English language, acting, comedy. It would be character assassination. It would be. Susie Green, to me, is one of the most admirable people on planet. Like I want to be her in real life.

She mother fucks everybody. She takes zero shit. She does exactly what the fuck she wants to do with everybody.

hiding her tale of consequences. Here's what I love. I love how when somebody pisses her off, she's immediately like, if it's Larry, get the fuck out of here, get the fuck out of my house. And I just think like, that's goals. We've, we, as, as you age, you give less fucks. Yes. And I think to be able to graduate to a point with friends where you can say, shut the fuck up,

Get the fuck out of here. And then you don't have to worry about their feelings afterward is the biggest gift you can give your friends. And the reason that pumps and I have always been so close is we hang up on each other all the time and there's never a follow up. Right. We are not thin skinned. We are not butthurt about shit. We don't have to come back and explain stuff. We don't take things personally. Right.

And nobody does this better than Susie Green. No, she's a marvel. I mean, she really is one of my favorite characters on planet Earth. Life goals. Yeah. And the way she dresses just takes it up five notches on the show. So we have a Patreon club, those of you that haven't joined yet.

whatever. But you're an asshole. We have a, in our chats on Patreon, we have a Curb Your Enthusiasm chat. And many of our members had never watched Curb Your Enthusiasm. So they started it. And I just feel like insane, deep-seated jealousy that they get to watch all of that

For the very first time. I know. Like they don't know what they're getting into and they get to unravel it and unwrap it like a present every time. All right. So, I mean, this is a big day for I've had it. A lot of people would get so excited about, you know, maybe like some big pop star coming on. This is my, what do you call it? Roman Empire. Yep. This is my Roman Empire listener. This is it.

It's as close as I can get. Let's welcome Susie Essman to I've Had It. Do you suffer from having a parasocial relationship with two barely competent middle-aged women?

If so, please go to I've had it podcast.com or to any social media site. I'm talking X, formerly Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, et cetera, and click the link in bio and come see us at the hot shit tour. Make your parasocial relationship real at the hot shit tour. Right pumps. Tell them it's so fun. We hope to see you there.

Pumps, doing the podcast, our other jobs, being mothers, maintaining friendships. Sometimes I just feel like I have burnout, like I cannot face another meeting, another conversation. And I realize I'm just so disconnected from the world that I need to take the time to schedule a session with my therapist from BetterHelp.com.

After I do it, I feel so much more centered, so much more grounded, and so much more functioning. Listener, if you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional charge.

Find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash had it today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash had it. Pumps doing the podcast or other jobs, being mothers, maintaining friendships.

Sometimes I just feel like I have burnout, like I cannot face another meeting, another conversation. And I realize I'm just so disconnected from the world that I need to take the time to schedule a session with my therapist from BetterHelp.com.

After I do it, I feel so much more centered, so much more grounded, and so much more functioning. Listener, if you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional charge.

Find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash had it today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash had it. All right, Susie, welcome to I've Had It. I have to tell you, my favorite show on the planet ever since it started is

is Curb Your Enthusiasm. I've watched every episode two to three times. I am a diehard, diehard fan. It is like tap the vein. It is like a narcotic drug for me. That's how much I love this series that you're in. Well, I like hearing that. It's so good. I mean, she started me on it like two years in and we would have...

We would watch it and then the next day we'd get together and we'd recap it together. Well, what's interesting is the entire premise of the series is I've had it. I mean, that's the entire premise of the whole show. Larry's had it with everything and I've had it with him. I love, I mean, how does it feel to just get to motherfuck everybody all the time at your job?

It's amazing. I mean, I say this all the time. I show up to work and all my friends are there. I mean, there's people there that I've known since 1983, 84. You know, it's like a whole group of us old stand up comics. And I just scream and I yell and I tell everybody to go fuck themselves. And then they love me for it and they give me money and I go home.

It's, you know, I get such satisfaction from Susie Green, just the ash chewing of men and kicking people out of her house, chewing her husband out. It is so incredibly satisfying to watch. It's like I get ash chewing by proxy satisfaction from that character.

Well, I, you know, I think everybody's always like commenting on her language. And I really think the issue that people are really responding to with Susie is her comfort with her anger that

They're just not aware that that's really the thing that they're really responding to. They think it's all the fucks and all, but it's really that she as a woman is so comfortable with her anger and we're all enraged all the time. And I don't know how you were brought up, but I was brought up, you know, don't be angry, be a nice little girl. And it's like, fuck that. I feel the exact same. And I think we get a lot of blowback because we cuss a lot on our podcast. And I think a lot of that is,

Still, so much sexism permeates in society that women are not allowed to say fuck. And if a male comedian says fuck, nobody would dare tell him not to use that language. But when a brilliant female comedian such as yourself uses it, then the language becomes the issue. And I think you're right. That is, women should feel comfortable. If we want to say fuck, we get to say fuck. Yeah.

And if you want to be enraged, be enraged. There's so much to be enraged about. You know, when I was coming up doing stand-up in the 80s, I was considered what they call a blue comic, which means a dirty comic. Because I talked about sex. I mean, nothing... I mean, not what the women do now. Now they really go all out. But I talked about sex and I talked... You know, I would use...

language, whatever. But it was nothing different than what the men were doing. And for them, it was just de rigueur. And for me, I was considered a dirty comic because I was female. Yeah. Yeah. And it's still going on. Yeah. Okay. Susie, speaking of stuff we've had it with, you sent us a A-plus.

stellar list of grievances. I mean, just tap the vein on these things. So let's just dive into it. I didn't even think about them. My manager was like, come up with some things. And I just rattled them all off.

All right. So the first thing you mentioned was insincere politeness. Oh, don't you hate that? Don't you hate that? I hate it. We live in Oklahoma City and in the South. Oh my God. Insincere politeness is ubiquitous. Have a nice day. Have a nice day. Fuck you. Have a nice day.

You know, I live in New York and we're not really guilty of insincere politeness here. And people think we're rude. We're not rude. We're just busy. You know, you stop me on the street and ask me directions. I'm happy to help you, but don't think I'm going to get involved in a conversation with you. Right. You know, I have things to do. I got to go to the dry cleaner for God's sake. Yeah.

But yeah, I hate that. I hate that. I hate it with customer service. I hate it with just, you know, in stores, wherever you are. I just hate the reality of people. You know, I don't want people to be rude to me. That's not necessary either. But I want them to be real. Right, right. And efficient. I like efficiency. You know, once I was on one of those...

you know, in the airport, one of those, you know, go trams that you walk on to that goes faster. What are those? I don't know. Yeah. So this couple was blind and everybody knows the etiquette of the tram. You know, if you're if you're standing still, you stand to one side and if you're walking, you go through the other side, you take you take the left. So this couple was taking up the whole thing. And I said, excuse me.

Because I had a flight to catch. I was getting a connection. And the woman turned to me and she said, what happened to please? And I lost it at her. First of all, excuse me, please is implied. Right. Yes. Right. It's implied. I was very polite. I just said, excuse me. I don't have to say fucking please. Excuse me is implied. And you were the ones who were blocking with the poor etiquette. Sure.

Absolutely. I totally agree. You know what? I hate it when somebody is totally the asshole and then they try to flip the script. It's like, you're the one blocking the thing. I'm not the asshole here. You're the fucking asshole. And I don't need an etiquette lesson from some stranger on a tram thing in an airport. Exactly. No, that's so gross. Okay. You have something here that I think is probably one of the best habits ever. And we haven't discussed this.

And it is a person that tells a long story with no payoff. Put a fucking gun to my head.

I can't say what. Look, for me, I'm a comic. It's set up, punch, set up, punch. I understand not everybody is capable of doing that. But, you know, these people that tell the story. So I went to the bank and it was Saturday. Wait, maybe it was Friday. Was it Friday? Maybe it was Friday. It's totally irrelevant to the story. Nobody cares what day it was. It's like they don't know how to move it along. And then you're waiting for the payoff. And there's none. There's absolutely none.

I can't tell you.

It's not knowing how to read a room. It's being not aware of who you're talking to and whether or not they're listening or whether or not, you know, you have these conversations with people and they have no awareness that you have no interest in what they're saying whatsoever. Yes. And here's what I think that is, Susie. I think that is not taking into account the feelings of the listener.

I can't tell you how many times I have had to sit through something and I think this person genuinely doesn't care about my feelings because they're making me sit here and listen to this boring bullshit.

that I can't even follow anymore. And it is ubiquitous. Everywhere you go, you've got somebody grandstanding that starts a story. And I'm always thinking, why is this relevant? Why is this interesting? Why won't you shut the fuck up? Always. You know what? I have a very bad habit of doing something. Is this on, are we on video also? Yes. Okay. Because I have a very bad habit of going like this. Like this.

Come on, move it, move it. Keep it going. We have a bad habit of like laying the plane. Like, here you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same thing. Same thing.

And I've done it to people and it's rude. I shouldn't. But it's like, it's a narcissism, which is probably the biggest I've had it of all is narcissism. Totally. So in the show, when we're talking about these petty grievances that we have now, do you all contribute to those? Like, hey, Larry, this just happened to me today and, you know, about these bad listeners and things like this.

Sometimes, not often. I mean, Larry's so good at it all by himself. And he writes all the outlines also with Jeff Schaefer, who's our EP and directs almost all the episodes. So they're pretty good on their own. But I'll mention stuff to him, you know, and everybody will mention stuff to him over the years, funny stories that have happened. And he uses them sometimes and sometimes not. He's very good at grievances all by himself. It seems like it.

And then I think the addition, I think it was season six of Leon, of J.D. Smoove. I don't know. How do you all get through those scenes? Do you sometimes just lose it and have to do another take? Who loses it the most is Larry. Really? I mean, Larry's famous for losing it the most. He loses it a lot with me because he loves to be yelled at, which is my job on the show. But.

But he breaks up with JB also a lot. I actually just was on the phone with him right before I started this.

What's interesting about JB is we're all playing characters. None of us are who we are on the show. But with me and with Larry and Richard and Jeff, we're all kind of versions of ourself in a way. JB is playing a complete character. It's a complete character. It's nothing like him whatsoever. And he improvises in that character with these

crazy tangents he goes off on. I don't know how this man's brain works. Like there's the one scene where he talks about Larry getting in that ass. And he's like, you get in that ass. And Lampin and all. I mean, I just, when, and it was like the perfect time to infuse something new to the show, you know, I mean, I could have, I could watch it go on and on. But one thing that I think is so brilliant about Curb is

is it uses humor the way I think humor is supposed to be used. It's irreverent. And you talk about race, sexuality, Trumpism, crazy shit in such a humorous, meditative way. At least for me, it is. Like, I find it so soothing. And also, you know, there's no political correctness on this show. It is the most politically incorrect show. And we get really...

I mean, I can remember just very few instances over the 12 seasons. We get very little flack for it. And I think the reason for that is because Larry's really making fun of himself. Right. You know, he's not saying this is correct. He's showing using himself as an example of how not to be in a certain way. And yet he tells me that he aspires to be that character. Right. Right.

I aspire to be Susie Green, so I can't fault it too much. I mean, I want to be Susie. Let me ask you this, because we've been talking about losing curb. Like, this is it. Everybody knows this is it. I'm grieving it. Like, I'm saving up. I haven't watched the most. I've watched the first two, but I don't want to watch it because then it's over. Do you?

Are you grieving the loss of Curb? I feel at peace with it. I feel so lucky to have been doing this for all these years. And, you know, it's 24 years since we started. And I feel so I don't want to sound so Pollyanna, but I feel so privileged to have been a part of this show. You know, as as an actress and a comic, I could have been cast twice.

in any crappy sitcom that lasted for seven seasons. They just limp along these shows and I would have been happy to have the job and I would have taken it and I would have gotten the money I needed to live a life. And, but I got to be on a show that I actually watch, I actually respect. And that, you know, I mean, it's just, it's just one in a million that you get to have that experience. Right. What is your favorite episode of the series? Yeah.

I have a lot, but I would say probably the doll because that's from two. And that's the first time you Susie's really established. Right. Her character is really established. It's really established that Jeff and Larry live in fear of her. And the time they use that spaghetti Western music. Yes. Coming up.

So it's it's that's probably my favorite. And it's such a perfect episode. It's a perfect half hour of comedy. If you watch that, you just see how it all, you know, I mean, Larry is such a master of the comeback, the callback and weaving everything together in his puzzle. But this is just amazing.

It's just anybody who wants to be a comedy writer should start that episode. It's so good. I love that episode. And another favorite scene, and I just want to know if you improvised this or was it planned that you say this, and it's where Jeff beats off, and I think it's like Seder or something. It's some Jewish holiday. He beats off. Larry goes to confront him. And, of course, you always overhear those two up to all their fuckery. And you storm in there and you go –

your semen left this house. That's cheating. That's infidelity. That was all improvised. It was all brilliant. I remember that scene. I remember Larry said, somehow you have to get to kicking me out of the house and banning me from your house.

So I was like, all right, how am I going to do that? And then I just came up with the idea that, well, you know, well, Cheryl's banning Jeff. Well, I'm banning Larry. You know, all of that, that he was cheating. That was all me. That was all improvised. Most of it is, you know, we get an outline. Okay. And the outline is very detailed in the sense of story, what has to happen for story. But there's no dialogue written. Almost all the dialogue is us improvising unless there's

Like a line or something that's necessary to get out for story purposes. Right. That's written. But other than that, it's all improvised. Do you table read? No, no, no, no, no, no. We not only do we not table read, we don't do any rehearsal. We'll do a camera block.

in the beginning, you know, for each scene, but we purposely don't speak until the cameras are actually rolling. So that the moment we start, it's all fresh and improv and none of us know what each other's going to say. And so you have a, you have a, like, this is what needs to be established in this scene, like a premise. Okay. A premise. We have a premise and we know where we have to start. And we usually know what information has to come out and we know where we have to end. Right.

And there's a lot of great stuff that's cut out because it doesn't serve the story. Larry's all about story. That's his brilliance, is all about story. Pumps, doing the podcast, our other jobs, being mothers, maintaining friendships, you

Sometimes I just feel like I have burnout, like I cannot face another meeting, another conversation. And I realize I'm just so disconnected from the world that I need to take the time to schedule a session with my therapist from BetterHelp.com.

After I do it, I feel so much more centered, so much more grounded, and so much more functioning. Listener, if you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional charge.

Find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash had it today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash had it. Pumps doing the podcast or other jobs, being mothers, maintaining friendships.

Sometimes I just feel like I have burnout, like I cannot face another meeting, another conversation. And I realize I'm just so disconnected from the world that I need to take the time to schedule a session with my therapist from BetterHelp.com.

After I do it, I feel so much more centered, so much more grounded, and so much more functioning. Listener, if you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional charge.

Find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash had it today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash had it. Okay, we want to play a game with you called Had It or Hit It. So I'm going to list some things and you tell us if you don't like it, you will have had it. And if you like it, you will hit it. Okay. Oh my God. Welcome to Had It or Hit It. I would hit it. Had it.

I hit it every day, sometimes twice a day. All right. The first thing is Trump has now released the God Bless the USA Bible. Add it.

How dare this man have anything to do with the Bible? Agree. You remember that scene where he was at, you know, I forgot the name of that area by the White House. And he's holding the reading the Bible upside down. Yes. What a dick. He said people people can vote for him. They could do whatever they want. But don't pretend he's something he's not. He is he has no ideology. He has no fealty to religion or any of the things that

that the people who were voting for him believed none whatsoever. Yeah, absolutely. And then we had Michael Cohen, his former lawyer podcast. Yeah. Okay. And we asked him because he worked with him. They were both,

best friends for years. And I said, does, is Trump a Christian? Does he believe in God? And he said, no, no, he believes in, in money is all he believes in and himself. Exactly. So had it, had it. Okay. Had it or hid it millennial corporate group speak like we'll workshop that. Let me circle back. Oh, nauseous over that. So had it.

It's, you know, just so had it with the psychobabble and the, you know, the, the, that's again, the, the, the false politeness in a certain way. It is. It is. You know, it's another version of that. Yeah, it absolutely is. Okay. I hate to do this to you, but I have to. Had it or hit it. RFK Jr. Had it. Yeah.

Had it. Listen, I obviously know Bobby. He's married to Cheryl and I love Cheryl. Cheryl is a great girl. One thing I'll say about Bobby, as opposed to Trump,

what we were just saying about him. Bobby does believe what he says. Right. He's, he, you know, he has an ideology and he believes, I disagree with some things I agree with him about actually, but I disagree with a lot of what he says, but he is a true believer. So I accept that more than I accept the narcissism of this other guy who is just about, you know, wanting to prove to people that he's got a huge, huge penis when clearly he

Oh my God, Susie, I say that all the time. He has a

Size problem. Oh, huge size problem. Yes, clearly. Anybody who has to, you know, there was more people there than ever existed in the face of this universe. I had the biggest. That is somebody with a really tiny dick. I'm sorry. That's just a fact. Oh my gosh. We agree. We got called out maybe a couple episodes ago. We get called out all the time. We have super thick skin. But they said you cannot...

I body shame men with little penises. And here's what I have to say in response to that. When the vagina is on equal footing with the penis, I will quit criticizing the penis. But until then, the teeny weeny is on the table.

But, you know, it's not, and I agree with that, but it's not just, it's not really the literal size. Right. It could be an inadequate, it could be whatever. It's a feeling. It's like small dick behavior is not literal small dick. He might have a huge cock for all I know, but it's small dick behavior, which is his feeling about himself, his inadequacy. This must be an extremely unhappy, miserable

man. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, his quiet moments. Angie's full time hobby is living in her curated liberal algorithm online. So she's listened to all these Stormy Daniels appearances on podcasts and on shows. And Stormy goes into great detail. Great detail about Donald's penis. Sure. It's a little teeny, teeny little peenie.

With the mushroom top. Oh, I know it's revolting. Had it with that. I've had it with that. Okay. Had it or hid it, pet etiquette. Well, you know, again, I live in New York. I would have to say both in a way because one of my pet peeves, and I will walk up to people and say something is when they do not pick up their dog's poop. Absolutely. Absolutely.

I mean, it is, I have a dog, every coat that I have has baggies in it. Like I pull out, there's there, and I would never not pick up his poop on the streets of New York for somebody else to step in. It's just, it's, it's horrible. And, but here's the other etiquette thing. I mean, in New York, you know, we're all on top of each other. And if I have my dog out and he is

in the middle of pooping and somebody comes along with their dog and they let their dog come over and sniff him. Leave the poor kid alone. I could eat you. It's fine.

Bring your dog over to sniff at him while he's trying to take a dump. That is rude. That is rude. Poor pet etiquette. All right. Had it or hid it. Cussing. Oh, I could never have had it with that. I mean, you know, I can't get enough of it. Me too. Same. Unless it's gratuitous. I mean, there are comics. There were back in the old days and even now, which every other word was motherfucker and fuck. And it has to have a meaning. You take the meaning away from it.

You know, cursing is an interesting thing because you guys say cussing because you're from Oklahoma City. I'm from New York. Because when people will use euphemisms and they'll say, you know, you know, freaking and blah, blah, the intent and the meaning is the same. So what's the difference?

Right. That's a very good point. Yeah. You know, the anger is there. The intent is there. If they want to say, fuck you, but instead they say, you know, screw you. It's still they're still telling you to go fuck yourself. It's the word or not. It's so true.

Exactly. And I kind of in my mind think, are you too big of a pussy to say it? Yeah, exactly. If you want to say fuck you and you say screw you, I'm like, you're kind of a pussy. Yeah. Kind are. Okay. Had it or hit it, Larry David. Oh, hit it, hit it, hit it. I can't. I love Larry.

I love him more than anything. He, first of all, he's one of my closest friends. He's given up. See, I just look at my text. There he is. Um, he's given me a career. He, he was the only man that knew how to use me really. Um,

Every season, I just get the outlines and this like one funny thing for me after another. You know, he just gives me the funniest stuff to do. And he's the

The reason why as an actress and a comic, why I love doing Curve so much is that I'm part of the creative process in a way that you're not when you just get a script. I mean, you are, you interpret a script and, you know, you do a character, but not in the same way as with Curve where I get to write all my own lines.

So it's such a collaborative, creative process. And he's Larry, you know, people, the question I get asked more than any other question is, is Larry really like his character? And I will tell you unequivocally, no. He's the most generous, kind, loyal, incredibly loyal friend that you could ever have. I figured that he probably wouldn't.

Was that and that it I think Larry does what we all want to do in our minds, what we do in our minds all the time, like, oh, shut the fuck up. And you want to you want to call people out that are sample abusers and you want to tell you want to do all of this. You want to run into somebody on the street and they say, let's have lunch. You want to say, you know, we're never going to have lunch. Let's go through this charade and give each other our info and let's keep it.

He that's when I say he aspires to be that character. He wants he thinks all those things, but he doesn't act on them. He's too sensitive to other people's feelings. And another thing you have to realize is he's our boss. You know, he's our leader. And same thing with Seinfeld all those years. He was the showrunner. So when you have hundreds of people that work under you, you can't be that jerk that his character is.

You know, and the crew is so loyal to him. They drop everything to come back to Curb and work at Curb. They leave other jobs because they're so loyal to him because he's such a great person to work for.

Oh, that's nice to hear. I mean, I'm not surprised. Yeah. But that is nice to hear. I can't wait to start your new podcast with Jeff Garlin. It's the history of Curb Your Enthusiasm. We start from season, well, we started the pilot and then we go through every season. So far, we've recorded 50 something because we've gone through season five. And it's interesting to go back and watch all the episodes because they really hold up. They do. I just watched the Palestinian chicken episode. How brilliant was that one?

Which, it's just as funny. Every Curb Your Enthusiasm episode is just as funny the fourth or fifth time as it was the first time because it's so clever. You guys are so organically, naturally funny. I mean, you're genuinely funny people.

Bob Einstein, who also has died, was so funny in that episode who played Marty Funkhouse. Yeah, he was great. Oh, brilliant. You know, some of these are hard for me personally to go back and look like right after Richard died. There was an episode that he was in a lot and I couldn't watch it. I just couldn't watch it.

It was too painful, but I'll go back and watch it, you know, maybe in a few weeks or something. But it's it's, you know, having been on the air for so many years, we've we've been through people dying, people getting married, divorces, remarriage, children, grandchildren. We've all been through so much together and we're very much a family.

You know, you can tell. I mean, I think that as a watching, having watched every episode of Curb, you can tell that there is an organic, genuine care that you all have for each other. Even though you're acting, you wouldn't have that chemistry if there wasn't respect. Chemistry is something I think that you spot in people that they have. And you guys have such organic chemistry on screen.

And then what Larry did, I mean, you talked about he brought J.B. Smoove in. And then, of course, after Bobby died, he brought in Vince Vaughn. Oh, yes. You know, you can't replace Bob. Marty Funkhouser was such a singular character. But you bring in another layer. And then he brought Tracy in.

You know, Tracy Ullman, who is just genius beyond. I couldn't figure out who that was. I was like, who is playing Irma? And then when it was Tracy, I was like, what? Oh, God. You know, I had lunch with her a few months ago and she's got this long, gorgeous, lustrous hair. And she walks in the restaurant. I'm like.

I didn't even know who it was. She wasn't in that horrifying Irma wig. Awful. It's like people who see me dressed as a normal person, but they're not used to me. They're in a state of shock. That's how I was seeing Tracy walk into the restaurant. Susie's wardrobe is something we haven't even discussed. But it is so good. It just rounds out the character and the pride.

that Susie has in being a fashionista. It's just an extra layer. Susie believes that she has the greatest taste in the world. Oh, absolutely. And, you know, Cheryl has no pizzazz whatsoever. You know, and every season it's gotten...

more and more and more over the top. And he said to me this season, he goes, you know, I don't even say anything anymore. Like there was some in the past, he would say, all right, you got too far. He said, I don't even say anything anymore. You just, and it's funny because when I, I go into my trailer and I change and I walk onto set and everybody's waiting each day to see the Susie outfit, you know, it's like when I walk onto set,

You know, and I just woke up like, hi, everybody. Crazy outfit. For me as an acting thing, it's just, I put on those outfits and I just become her. Right. Yeah. That's great. It is so good. I think Pumps had a couple of questions she was going to ask you about Susie. Okay. So Susie,

You said Larry's super different from his character. What about Susie? So a couple social situations I wanted to ask you about. So if you're on an airplane and somebody takes their shoes off, how does Susie Green react versus Susie Essman? They take their shoes off and socks. Yeah. So like we're barefooted.

You know, unless their feet were sticking into my area, I do find it absolutely repulsive, but I wouldn't say anything. Susie Green would say something. Susie would totally say something. She is much bolder and brasher than I am. The only thing that really gets me, Susie Essman, going that I get really angry at is, you know, really bad customer service. I've been known to lose it.

at really bad customer service. Susie, I have to see, like, I want to be Susie Green when I grow up. So this is just making me so happy. I'm like elated on Cloud9. I will do it in a nice way, but I will care in customer service a little bit. Yeah, yeah. I have gone Susie Green on customer service once in my life.

I had and I've gone Susie Green on each of my kids at least once when they were teenagers. Not for sure. Oh, absolutely. How could you not? Not really. But one time I was having a cable issue and it's always cable, you know, cables, the worst. And I that my Internet was down and I kept call. I called maybe seven or eight times and I'm not exaggerating. They kept on saying it's fixed. It's fixed.

And finally, I just lost it at the woman because it wasn't fixed. And I can't really I'm trying to do work. I can't function without, you know, being able to go online. And she's like, all right, calm down, calm down. Let me have your name again. I gave her my name. She goes, you have the same name as that actress. And then suddenly and I had been screaming at the top of my lungs. And so I like changed my voice. I'm like, yeah, here's all the time. And I pretended I was a completely different person.

And there are certain restaurants that I could not go into anymore in New York City because I've made a scene. Oh, the plot just keeps thickening. God, I love this woman. Loose lips are sinking ships on I've had it today. I love that.

Well, Susie, I cannot thank you enough. This is like so surreal and so awesome to meet you in person. And I cannot tell you how much joy that show, your character has brought to my life. And I know so many other people. It is, in my opinion, the best comedy show ever made in the history of television. I agree.

For sure. And you two are adorable. You're lovely. Well, thank you. Thank you for coming on. We've loved having you. It was fun. I get to kvetch. That's all I care is I live to kvetch. Bye, Susie. Bye, Susie. Thank you so much. Bye, Oklahoma City. Bye. Bye. Susie is everything to me.

She over-delivered. Like where she is in my mind, you would think that pinnacle would be so high. You can't reach the top. She over-delivered. And that is hard to do because we had the highest expectations for her and she walked in here and exceeded them. It's unbelievable. And here's the thing. We're not that gracious of people. So we genuinely mean that she exceeded expectations. In spades.

Totally. I mean, she was everything I wanted her to be and more. Totally. She's funny. She's irreverent. I mean, she is fabulous. And the New York accent. It's fantastic. Get the fuck out of here. And we had a lot of kindred spirit things. I'm kind of feeling good about myself. I kind of feel like, I mean, she's probably going to be like, oh, they were cute from Oklahoma. I kind of feel like she's my friend.

I want her to be my friend. Yeah. I forgot to promote. You brought it up, but she has a podcast, everybody, called The History of Curb Your Enthusiasm, wherever you get your podcasts. And if you haven't watched Curb Your Enthusiasm, just please stop listening to her podcast. Go watch it. Or go start it because it is the best comedy show in the history of television history.

And her character is nothing short of complete goals. Probably one of the best television characters ever. Absolutely. I mean, she is...

Goals City. Love Susie Essman. Love Susie Green. Love them both. That's right. All right. Stay tuned. For those of you that are members of Patreon, join us in our after show that starts right now on Patreon and hit our link in bio to buy merch and to come see us on tour. Pumps, tell them we will see you next Tuesday or Thursday or both. Pumps, doing the podcast, our other jobs, being mothers, maintaining friendships, sharing

Sometimes I just feel like I have burnout, like I cannot face another meeting, another conversation. And I realize I'm just so disconnected from the world that I need to take the time to schedule a session with my therapist from BetterHelp.com.

After I do it, I feel so much more centered, so much more grounded, and so much more functioning. Listener, if you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional charge.

Find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash had it today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash had it. Pumps doing the podcast or other jobs, being mothers, maintaining friendships.

Sometimes I just feel like I have burnout, like I cannot face another meeting, another conversation. And I realize I'm just so disconnected from the world that I need to take the time to schedule a session with my therapist from BetterHelp.com.

After I do it, I feel so much more centered, so much more grounded, and so much more functioning. Listener, if you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional charge.

Find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash had it today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash had it.

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