Male Vanity and Green Text Bubbles
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Pumps, how are you today? I'm great, except for the allergies. Yeah, I have like the worst eye bags in history. You're still beautiful. You're such a bitch. I mean it. I can tell by that voice you don't mean it. I mean it. That's your patronizing voice. Is that how terrible of a person I am that when I pay you a compliment, you don't believe it's sincere? Actually, it's not just how terrible you are. It's even worse than terrible. Wow.

So why don't you start off with what you've had it with this week? What I've had it with this week is people that break through your do not disturb. Why don't you tell, so I think you're talking about on your phone, you can click do not disturb. Right. And you put that setting on. Yeah. And then what happens say around 5 a.m., 5.15 a.m.? My phone starts blaring and vibrating all at the same time. And it's 100% of the time, it's you.

So audience, here's a little life hack. If somebody's do not disturb is on, if you just immediately start the psycho dial, Apple thinks it's an emergency, which it clearly is. And it will start ringing. So the do not disturb sign, you can actually break through. You just have to psycho dial. I psycho dial pumps. So do you want to know what I've had it with? What have you had it with? Android phones.

You want to know why? I know exactly why. Because you've got a group text going. Yep. Everything's fucking fantastic. It's blue. It's blue. You can share things. Everything's going great. Switch and you go to a different group text and there's always somebody that's got the fucking Android. Yes, I agree. And it ruins everything. Ruins all Android.

of the group text communication. In our neighborhood, we have a little group text we do. We have one holdout on an Android. Married to an Apple user, whenever we make plans and need him, we have to do a separate, a whole other group text. Because you can't just normally group text someone with a Droid. You have to do a separate text. Do you think these Android users know how bad they're fucking everything up?

I just don't even know why you'd have an Android in the age of Apple. Just get an iPhone. Just get a fucking iPhone like a normal person. Welcome to I've Had It podcast. I am Jennifer. I'm Pumps. You said it. I said it. I can't believe I said it. Oh my God. This is wonderful. That's just how old age is. That is wonderful. Well, I want to talk about something that I think is fascinating. Okay. You and I could be at dinner. Okay.

And we were at dinner one night at that Italian restaurant over in my neighborhood when your friend came in town. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we're sitting there. You're across from me. Yes. And this man walks into the restaurant and I look over and I immediately know that you are going to eye him up and down. Right. I know that you're going to study it. I know that your jaw is going to kind of be on the floor. I know because audience, let me tell you what this guy looked like. Incredibly manicured. I mean, like.

painfully manicured. It was ridiculous. I mean, like kind of like a clown had on an ensemble, like leather jacket with studs, the whole nine, the sideburns with the hat, with the glasses, like you could tell he stared in the mirror for like 45 minutes before he went up to the neighborhood Italian restaurant. Right. I mean, it was just so over the top too much. I could not take my eyes off that because I was like, what the fuck is wrong with him?

So as he walks in, I immediately know that Pumps is going to lose her shit. So I'm like, you know, you see these guys all the time. I immediately divert because I know that you're going to be just completely –

eye fucking him not in the sense that you want to have sex with him but just you are not going to take your eyes off of him because you had to study each individual outfit choice he was like the fat lady in the tent at the fair like there was so much going on there it was like a train wreck

but I couldn't take my eyes off of it. The purpose of our podcast is to completely examine and analyze the data that is given to us each and every day when we face other human beings, right? Anyone that's not us. And a lot of the things that we like to study are maybe men are not supposed to care about their appearance, but a lot of men do. Right. And I don't think that's a bad thing. No, I don't either. But there's degrees of,

Okay, like I will say this. I admire the put togetherness that a gay man has.

You can never look bad if you're a gay man. It's just inherently you look fabulous. Their shit is tight. They have it buttoned up. The hair looks good. The complexion looks good. The outfit's fantastic. Not a wrinkle. Great belt choices. Great accessories. They have that shit down. And so then you on the opposite end of the spectrum, you're going to have just Joe Blow,

that lives in suburban America or maybe rural America that doesn't give a fuck. Right. Kind of fluffed up, put on some weight, very unkempt, bad outfit choices. And then in the middle of the gay and then just the train wreck, you're going to have

The European metrosexual man. The perfect combination for a straight guy. That's right. Right. A man who cares about his appearance, wants to be pulled together and look great. But I think there's a lot of humor and comedy in male vanity. Absolutely. That we need to explore. So we're going to have a guest. And I was thinking, like, who should we have as our guest? Yes.

to discuss male vanity. Who do we know that spends an inordinate amount of time... And money. ...visualizing what outfits he's going to wear for the day, how many times he's going to get his hair cut, where he's going to get his hair cut. And I don't think there's a better person that we can interview to discuss the trials and tribulations that is male vanity than my baby daddy...

Partner, love of my life, motherfucking Josh Welch, ladies and gentlemen.

Maybe one second you have a business idea that seems like a pipe dream, and the next you have an LLC and a dream come true. And when it comes to your home, one second you feel safe, and the next something goes wrong. But with ADT's 24-7 professional monitoring, you still feel safe. Because when every second counts, count on ADT. Visit ADT.com today.

There are some football feelings you can only get with BetMGM Sportsbook. That's right. Not just the highs, the ohs, or the no, no, no's. It's the feeling that comes with being taken care of every down of the football season. The feeling that comes with getting MGM rewards benefits or earning bonus bets. So, whether you're drawing up a same-game parlay in your playbook or betting the over on your favorite team. Hey!

The BetMGM app is the best place to bet on football. You only get that feeling at BetMGM. The sportsbook born in Vegas, now live across the DMV. BetMGM and GameSense remind you to play responsibly. See BetMGM.com for terms. 21 plus only, DC only, subject to eligibility requirements. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER.

Josh, welcome. Hello, ladies. Thanks for coming over. So excited to be here today. So excited. Welcome to I've Had It podcast. I just want to let you in on something. Today, our topic is male vanity and the journey of the metrosexual male. And we thought that you would be a fantastic guest. Wow.

Wow. We don't think it's a bad thing. No. Okay. So this is positive. It's positive. This is a podcast about positivity. Okay. Right. Perfect. Perfect. I fit right in. So Josh, will you share with our listeners, like...

Let's say it's a Sunday night. And Monday, you're going to go to work. And then you're going to go play pickleball in the afternoon. And then after pickleball, we're going to go to a light dinner with just the two of us because we don't have any friends. So the day before...

How much prior to these events do you think and envision your outfit choices? Let's start the night before because that's where it all begins. So I'll go to the closet, decide which suit I'm going to wear because I'm working in a law firm now for some excellent lawyers. I'm going to see what suit I wear. I'm going to match that with the tie. I'm going to lay it out. I'm going to pull the socks from the sock drawer, and then I'll set all of that together so that when I wake up, I'm ready to go.

So I think about it a lot during the night. Very rarely will I ever change, for example, a tie selection. If I pick it the night before, it's firm for the next day. It's firm? Yeah. Okay, I have a question. Okay. How many suits would you say that you have in your selection? That's a real sore spot for me right now because I'm just recently working back in law. So I haven't worn suits on a daily basis for 10 years. Right.

So I only have three, and I really hate to even say that out loud because now people that see me are going to say, hey, I guarantee he's worn that suit again this week. And I have. But so I only have three, and it's really painful to have to admit because they're all black. I have this thing to where I only wear black suits with black ties. Are you trying to be Rachel Maddow or what? No. I never felt like I dressed appropriately for funerals.

And so I never did. How many funerals do you go to? I hardly ever go to any. Okay. So didn't you say that you're putting a ban on funerals?

I am, but I want to look like I'm going to a funeral. Like look serious like that. And I saw Roger Federer. He was at Wimbledon. Now we're getting at the bottom of it. He was wearing a black suit and a black tie. And I thought, what a classic look. And you can wear it to a funeral. You can wear it to a courtroom. You can wear it to center court at Wimbledon. Center court Wimbledon. So I don't want the navy. I don't want the tan. I don't want burgundy. I don't want any of that shit. I just want a black suit. Okay.

I noticed a couple of days ago, and I didn't want to tell you this at the time, because if I say one thing about your outfit in the moment, I know the tailspin that it can send you on for your entire day. But you had on kind of, it was like a yellowish mustard metallic looking tie. I did. That I thought was a very interesting choice. I tried a very...

the color of the tie a little bit. I mean, I can't. Did you feel good about it? I kind of like that tie. Okay. I do. I mean, it's not one of my favorites, but so back to the original question, we could talk about black ties until you lose every single viewer and listener that you have. As long as we're talking about what you're wearing. Exactly. So we don't want to do that. So my attire and how important it is to me starts the night before. And then I wake up

and take a shower, put on what I'm going to wear, and then I think if I'm playing pickleball that day, what am I going to wear for pickleball? So then I'll pick that outfit out. After pickleball, then there's what I call loungewear.

That's for when I get back and shower and I'm just going to lounge around the house with Jennifer and we're going to get takeout and be together. For that, I normally do a pair of cotton J.Crew shorts, maybe some James Purse bottoms that are real nice Pima cotton. I do a real soft T-shirt for that too. I want the listener and pops to know that sometimes he puts on the loungewear outfit

Mind you, the only people that are seeing it are me, our youngest son, Roman, the child that we still have that remains at home, and the French Bulldogs. He'll put on his loungewear outfit and I'll see it.

And then three or four minutes later, he disappears and he's done a costume change. In loungewear? On the loungewear. On the loungewear. Because I look in the mirror and for some reason I don't like how it looks. Even though I know that not one fucking person is going to see me other than Roman or Jennifer. It's important to me that I feel good.

So I may change the shirt. Or I may change the short. He does a costume, like a pajama costume change. Do you hang it up again or do you put it in the dirty clothes? I'll fold it. No, I'll fold it. Okay. If it's only been on for a short period of time. We could be on a trip. Let's say we're in London. And it's 8 p.m. and we're starting to get into bed. We go to bed early, wake up early. And he will look over at me and he'll be like, what are you going to wear tomorrow?

And I look at him and I'm like, I have no idea. And he said, what are your options? I go, well, whatever I brought in the suitcase. He goes, well, you need to be thinking about your outfit. Do you want to know what I'm going to wear? And he knows it. And then if he puts on his outfit and he'll say, hey, what do you think of this? If I don't react positively with a huge effusive smile immediately, that motherfucker will go change outfits.

if there is anything that he thinks about the outfit that is not taking it over the finish line that's not going to be this big aha moment for all of these strangers to see him in and by the way I knocked it out of the park the last trip to New York and London I have no doubt but let me let me say this well hold on I gotta say something too Jennifer you know I love you but

But you are the worst. Like, I have to be Team Josh on this. Your face gives everything away. Yeah, it should give you the side eye on. Yes. Oh, you're wearing that tonight. And you're an up and downer. If I walk in, like, I had these white pants on the other day. I had a camel toe, which I didn't know. Oh, my gosh. I couldn't take it.

my eyes off of it. This is how she's doing. She's looking straight, like she never makes eye contact. She's looking straight at my crotch. And I go, do I have camel toe? And she's like, yes, it looks terrible. Let me ask you this. Does a camel toe

Is it a camel's toe? Camel toe. Right. But does the camel's toe look like what the jeans? Yes. Yes. They look the exact same. It's exactly what Angie looked like in white jeans. It looked like a white camel toe. So she comes in. I mean, it is a very well-defined camel toe. She comes in, she trots in, and she's like, hi, Jenny, how are you? And I mean, it was so obvious. I couldn't take my eyes off of it. Not even a greeting. Apparently I'm the asshole. But I will say this.

I am, I'm, I'm terrible. Okay. I am a horrible person about, I have no poker face. None. None. I mean, I completely have to check out outfits, look things up and down and I wear my emotions about it. I have tried to bring self-awareness to this. I've been trying for years. I can't do it. You have a high probability to get camel toe.

Yeah, I just don't pay that close of attention. You need to be on camel toe alert. At all times. At all times. When you stand up, when you sit down, you need to look at your twat, see if there's a camel toe. And you need to be vigilant. You need to do five kind of bending exercises in the mirror. In the mirror. And if you pass all of those, you can then leave the house in that particular pair of jeans. You need to be vigilant about camel toe prevention. All right. Because I have had it with your camel toe. Okay.

Let's move on to your hair. Perfect. Speaking of perfect. I mean, the perfect conversation. Couldn't have transitioned better if I tried. Tell us about your theory about how blessed you are, what a blessed blessing it is to have the type of hair and the head of hair that you have at 53 years old. Well, let me start by saying this. I'm very, very ashamed.

that for years I filmed a show on national television and wore this fucking ponytail on the top of my head that looked like Bam Bam from the Flintstones and that YouTube allowed it to happen. And I go back and I'll see an excerpt or a rerun or I'll Google myself. Oh. And when I do that, I see this glob of I don't know what

And I'm like, why did that happen? How did you girls let me wear my hair like that? I want everyone to know that the entire time you did the whole bam bam, you asked me to put it up and I said, no, I won't do it. It was a knot on top of my head. I look like a sumo wrestler. There's one image that you see if you Google me where I'm getting cool sculpting.

And I've got circles around my boobs. And I've got my hair pulled up. And I look like a fucking serial killer that's been released on a weekend jail spree. But let's talk about how you have evolved. Well, I was building up to that. So that's where I was four or five years ago. Right. And for those of you that are watching. Would you call that rock bottom? Absolutely. Hair rock bottom. The only thing that may have matched it was the hair in my fifth year.

drug treatment center. But that's for another story. For those of you that are looking now at me, you're probably thinking, fuck, what has happened to this man? That is not the same person I watched in 2019. What did he do to make himself look so damn good? And here's what I did. I want to be crystal clear about this. Number one, I lost some weight. And then I realized looking in the mirror,

that that god-awful mess of fucking hair I had on my head looked horrible. It looked horrific. That it was a wonder that Jennifer stayed with me. Not just during the relapses. I'm more concerned about the hairdo that I had. Right. I mean, like, push that aside. Yeah, the relapses are nothing but to relapse and have that hairdo and still be able to maintain your marriage is the most impressive thing about me yet. Yeah.

You still feel safe.

Because when every second counts, count on ADT. Visit ADT.com today. There are some football feelings you can only get with BetMGM Sportsbook. That's right. Not just the highs, the ohs, or the no, no, no's. It's the feeling that comes with being taken care of every down of the football season. The feeling that comes with getting MGM Rewards benefits or earning bonus bets.

So whether you're drawing up a same game parlay in your playbook or betting the over on your favorite team, the BetMGM app is the best place to bet on football. You only get that feeling at BetMGM, the sports book born in Vegas, now live across the DMV. BetMGM and GameSense remind you to play responsibly. See BetMGM.com for terms. 21 plus only, DC only, subject to eligibility requirements. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER.

I didn't think that in the moment, I didn't think it was bad. I did. The man bent. I did. Here's the thing. I didn't think it was that bad until I saw just how fucking good this hairdo is. And that's what showed me how bad it was because now I look at myself and it's incredible. Audience, my husband has a photo album in his phone and it is labeled hair and you pull it up and you go through a series of Brad Pitt

Bradley Cooper and Tom Brady. This is what I'm up against. I want to say that recently I've added George Clooney. Do you want to know what he asked me dead serious last week? Oh God. We're in the bathroom getting ready and we both weigh ourselves a couple of times a week. Josh hops on the scale, weighs himself and he goes, God, this is fantastic. Cause he was at his goal weight and he looks at me dead serious, straight face. And he said, do you think if I hopped on that scale with a full erection, I would weigh more.

Well, absolutely. I mean, there's no doubt about that. At least five pounds. I think the blood is still all in the body, regardless of where it is. I think there's, I don't want to say three to four pounds, but maybe one to two pounds. I want to segue on to... Perfect. Josh, how do you feel about other human beings, friendships, and bro time? Well, I think that there's a lot of unnecessary interaction.

Between people that are best friends, between people that are in the same family. So recently you received some texts, some like group texts, people telling you what a great friend you were and how happy they were that they had you in their lives. Yeah. And how did you feel when you received those texts? Let me say I've received a couple of texts that I found interesting. One was in a group of 20 plus people.

And it was typed in a way that the person was saying, hey, we're all getting older. Things are happening. I want everybody in this thread to know that I love them. Something like that. Something like that. Which is nice. Just super, super sweet. It made me wonder, hey, is this person sick? Is everything okay? But anyway, and the second text was from someone who I think is a very, very sweet person. And I would say that we're friends.

friends, but I got a text from him thanking me for our friendship. And it made me think maybe I was one of about 30 people that he sent it to and that he just, there was a copy and paste or something because it wasn't a group. It was an individual text. And how, how frequently do you talk to this person other than the Thanksgiving day text? How many times per year? How many communications? As far as phone conversations? Zero. Okay.

Is it safe to say that you've had it with unnecessary interactions? I've had it with unnecessary interactions, but more importantly, I've had it with these gatherings of people. Even if they're best friends, I've had it. I don't want a brunch. I don't want a buffet. I don't want a dinner. I don't want a small group. I don't want any kind of road trip. I just don't want any of that. What about, okay, just...

For an example, let's say this 20 group, 20 individual group text. You know, I love you guys. I want you to know it's all great. You're so great to the whole group. But then said in the same text, Joss, I want you to know your hair is so fantastic. Then I would want to be in the group a lot more.

And I would do a psycho research analysis on who all is in this group and whose phone numbers are these. So, listener, I want you to think about all of the products that you have in your personal homes right now for your hair, for your teeth, for your skin. And then I want you to multiply those products times about 500. And you might be in the ballpark of how many products

products it takes for Josh Welch to make himself look this good. That's right. That's 100% right. Why don't you share with the listener your beauty regimen and your shopping tips for great products? It starts in the shower. I have a facial cleanser that I use. I have a different body

wash that I use. So the face wash and the body wash are divided. Divided. They're separate things. Yeah, they're not part of the same thing. I have... Not for all men. I have a shampoo and I have a conditioner. Once I get out of the shower, my big thing right now that I'm really excited about are different types of serums. Yes.

S-E-R-U-M-S for the listeners, serums. There's all these sort of anti-aging oxidants involved in these serums. How many different types of sea salt spray do we have at our house right now? I think I have about between 15 and 18. Yeah.

And what's the sea salt supposed to do? Oh, he's obsessed with it. It makes your hair feel like you've been swimming in the ocean. It gives it texture, makes it feel firm. Like you see my hair right now, how it's kind of firm and it just feels crisp. Let me feel it. Would you rather go on a trip with Dylan and Roman and me, but not a big time trip. We're talking to Dallas, uh,

But the four of us in the car having fun, lots of family bonding. Or you could fly solo to New York to David Mallet Salon and get a haircut by Vincent and come back all by yourself. Well, I mean. Tell the truth. True serum polygraph. You know, you brought the kids into it.

So unfair. Yeah, you could have just said you and it's a slam dunk. But you bring the goddamn kids into it. It just ruins the whole thing. Because then, you know, no one's going to be that asshole, right? Right. I mean, I've been trying my whole life not to be that guy. Right. But...

But you'd go to get your haircut, Vincent. We've gotten through the 15 to 18 sea salt sprays in our house right now, but let's move on to the cologne. Josh and I were in New York. This is before our second son was born. This is probably 2005. We went to the U.S. Open, the tennis tournament. Josh and I are on the elevator together, but we're standing on opposite sides of it. This guy gets on the elevator.

but he can't tell that we're together because I'm on one side, Josh is on the other. Josh is getting off on like the second floor to go talk to the concierge and I'm going down to the first floor to get a taxi. So Josh hops off. Josh and I don't say a word to each other. He gets off. We had already pre-discussed what we were going to do. After Josh hops off the elevator on the second floor and I'm alone with this stranger for the ride from the second to the first. And the guy looks at me, he goes, Josh.

you think that guy had on enough cologne? I immediately act like I don't know Josh. And I go, oh, I know that was terrible. Threw him under the bus immediately. Cause it was, I couldn't defend it. I wasn't going to be like, Hey, that's my man. I was immediately like, I know it's the worst. I threw him under the bus immediately. Cause it is cologne abuse.

And small quarters like that, it's not... Let me tell you what happened to me the other day. We're getting ready and he gets the aerosol version of the sea salt spray. And he sprays so much goddamn sea salt spray. And the bathroom door is closed and there's just aerosol everywhere. I get some of it like lodged in my throat. And I'm like... I'm just hacking. I go, what the fuck did you just spray? And he's like, it's my sea salt spray, but...

For Josh, like one is good, 70 is better. That's the personality type that we're dealing with here. - It's like for example, and this is my good friend from college used to say this all the time, "Josh, you're the kind of guy that when you walk into a room

If you're hot and you want it cold, you take it from 72 down to 60. You don't do 72 to 68 or 72 to 70. It goes all the way to 60. It's accelerator or brake. Exactly. That's right. And I'm still learning, obviously. So if anyone meets me and you smell an odor, I'm trying to do better.

Overall, if you want to go to the YouTube channel just to see what I look like, I think you're going to see a vast improvement from what I used to look like. I'm really glad that with the five rehab stints and various other failures in your life, that the one thing that you have

kept intact is your self-esteem and self-confidence and narcissism. I mean, that is really commendable. I use humor as a way sometimes to laugh instead of cry, but it has been an intense journey for me and my family and friends. And I love each one of you dearly. I love my children dearly.

Well, I love the textures. You just don't understand. I just, you know, I just, I'm not...

there with it but I'm starting to be I'm trying to be open-minded I have had it I want to say Josh thank you so much thank you for joining us and we love you and make sure if you want to follow Josh it's at Josh Welch underscore on Instagram and make sure you like and subscribe to our podcast pumps what do you say we will see you next Tuesday

All I can say about that is, I've had it.

This episode is sponsored by ADT. ADT knows a lot can happen in a second. One second, you're happily single. And the next second, you catch a glimpse of someone and you don't want to be. Maybe one second, you have a business idea that seems like a pipe dream. And the next, you have an LLC and a dream come true. And when it comes to your home, one second, you feel safe. And the next, something goes wrong. But with ADT's 24-7 professional monitoring, you still feel safe.

Because when every second counts, count on ADT. Visit ADT.com today. There are some football feelings you can only get with BetMGM Sportsbook. That's right. Not just the highs, the ohs, or the no, no, no's. It's the feeling that comes with being taken care of every down of the football season. The feeling that comes with getting MGM Rewards benefits or earning bonus bets.

So whether you're drawing up a same game parlay in your playbook or betting the over on your favorite team, the BetMGM app is the best place to bet on football. You only get that feeling at BetMGM, the sports book born in Vegas, now live across the DMV. BetMGM and GameSense remind you to play responsibly. See BetMGM.com for terms. 21 plus only, DC only, subject to eligibility requirements. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER.