Longer the Toast, Shorter the Marriage
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Listener, for this episode of I've Had It, we've partnered with eHarmony, the dating app to find someone you can be yourself with. Pops, what's going on out there on the dating apps? It's unbelievable how many people try to be something they're not on dating apps and

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So are we supposed to start the podcast? Ready? One, two, three. There she goes. Killing it again today, as always. Right before you clapped us in, you were just telling me how cold you are. I felt like it was cold. I feel like it's cold in here. It's a little nippy in the recording studio, but...

I always find this curious. So when we are on the hot shit tour, we share a room. Right. Because we love each other so much. Right. And it's a fun little slumber party. And the minute we get into the room, you crank the air down to 68, 67. Right. And I support that while sleeping. But while lounging leisure time, I like more of a room temp situation. Yeah.

Room temp is about, it's interesting you bring this up because we had this conversation last night. Rose was over, my babysitter. Hang on. I want to point out for the listeners that Pumps' youngest child is 18 years old. That's neither here nor there. Go ahead. Just go right back into the point. She house sits for me and watches Blaze when I'm gone and Luke. But she was saying how when...

She was watching the kids. And she turned the heat up to 68. And every single one of my kids was like, oh, my gosh, it's burning up in here. It's like a furnace. Because I keep it at like 63 or 64. I am freezing when we share rooms. I mean, I am freezing.

I like it to be cold. At night, I don't mind because I like to burrow. I like to bundle up all the time. I like to burrow. But when we're just lounging, I don't want to be – see, you like to be in bed under covers. Cold. During the daytime. Right. Or in a robe. I don't like that. I like to – that feels premature to me.

It feels like premature lounging until I go to sleep. I don't like it. So it's interesting when you come to the office and you complain about being cold. And I just want you to remember when we're on tour and it's in the middle of the day that I feel exactly the way you do right now. Okay. Well, I'm pushing through so you can push through. I always do. I always do. Now I'm just going to make it colder. I always push through pumps. What have you had it with?

Okay, what I've had it with, and I've noticed it so much lately because I've been watching live stuff. I always stream. I never watch live. I fucking had it with the commercials being so much louder than the show.

You're constantly up and down, up and down with the remote. It drives me insane. Have you noticed it? Maybe. I don't know that I... Do you watch anything live anymore? Tennis matches. But I don't know. I don't remember adjusting my volume. I have to adjust my volume all the time during football games and basketball games. Turn it down during the commercial. Turn it up when the show actually starts. It's like literally...

Five octaves higher. And the commercials are louder? Oh my gosh, so much louder. I can't stand it. Very interesting. Now I watched tennis recently. I can tell you're riveted. And I didn't, I didn't, if I did that, I just did it involuntarily, but I don't remember being irritated about it. But perhaps that's because I just have such a higher level of serenity than the average person. That's exactly what it would be. That's what it is, right? Always. Yeah. All right. Let me tell you what I've had it with.

I've had it with you're out to dinner or you're at an event and somebody goes to make a toast. Okay. And then they belabor the toast. It's the worst. And then you have the pile honors that connect themselves to that person's toast. Right. And you're standing there with your glass in the air.

And all you're thinking at this point, I mean, it's Pavlov's dog out the wazoo. I mean, your mouth is watering ready. It's maybe a glass of wine, a beverage, a Coca-Cola, a water. And you're just thinking about wetting your whistle. And you've got the grandstander toast people.

that started and then somebody thinks, well, hell, that's not gonna be the last word. I'm gonna pile on. Absolutely. And then you've got another pile or honor and then another pile or honor. And at this point, your arm hurts. Right. You've lost interest. You're dying of thirst.

You're as parched as you could possibly be. And everything that everybody's saying at this point is neither helpful nor interesting nor inspiring. It drives me crazy. Then you get the people that once you finally get through the deliberations of all of the showboating grandstanders that have to just, you know, throw their hat in for the toast and

Then you have the people that are superstitious, that believe that you have to look everybody directly in the eye and that your glasses have to touch. And you're at a 15 top. Right. And somebody's down at the other end and they're trying to make eye contact with you. And I'm just like...

get over it. Whether we look at each other in the eye or don't look at each other in the eye, if our glasses touch or don't touch, the exact same outcome is going to happen. It's going to happen no matter what, whether our glasses touch or not. It's like the people that are sitting there waiting for the toast, the ones that like want a grandstand, it's like,

It's like the kiss ass syndrome. Like, oh, well, they're kissing ass and now I have to kiss ass. And it's just a domino effect. Everybody's trying to like get in good with the person that's being toasted. It's obnoxious. Either that, either they're trying to get in good with the person or

Or they're just trying to put on a little performance. Right. They take the opportunity to grandstand about how great they are and funny and clever. I think this is peak at like weddings, rehearsal dinners. I was just going to say, you find it mostly at rehearsal dinners and weddings. I was at a rehearsal dinner a few years ago. And of course they had 95,000 bridesmaids and 95,000 groomsmen. Right. And every single bridesmaid and groomsman

And then cousins, friends, former roommates. I'm talking it was probably 35 people deep that had these moments at the microphone to toast the bride and groom. And like I said, this was just a few years ago. They're already divorced. I'm not going to get any of that time back, Pops. It's gone. It's gone.

It's all gone. All of it. All that time is gone. All of those stories about the great couple. No, it's over. It's over. It's done. It is over. It's done. So these belabored toasts, the grandstanding, the piler honors, it's a problem. I've had it. Can we all just say cheers? Right. Salute. Right. Right.

And then maybe you make eye contact. Maybe you don't. Maybe all the glasses touch. Maybe they don't. But at least you can get that sip.

that your parched mouth wants in an expedient manner instead of listening to everybody at the table and then the fucking freaks that demand that you make eye contact with them for some bizarre superstition that they have that if you drink out of your drink, if you don't make eye contact and your glasses don't kiss, that you're going to have bad luck. I've had it. I've had it up to my eyeballs with this. I think you're the problem. The reason the couple got divorced is you didn't make eye contact and touch glasses.

Sounds like it's your fault. Pops, I went up and gave a toast at the microphone. I was a participant.

Okay. I was a part of the problem. Part of this is calling myself out. Right. Because you know what I'm going to do the next time I'm at a wedding or I don't, you know, it could be your 60th birthday. I'm going to sit. My lips are going to be zipped. I'm not even going to put my glass up. I'm just going to sit on my hands. I think you should. Because you know what? I show you that I love you every day. I don't have to have an eye contact. Right.

You know, I think at my and Josh's wedding, I remember it was like our reception and like the maid of honor and then the groomsmen, they started saying,

And I remember then it ended up being about 15 people deep. And it almost feels like an evangelical, like, you know, I'm in, you know, it's almost like a religious ceremony because everybody's chiming in and everybody's kind of drunk. Nothing's that poignant. I think it's an ass kiss, though. I think when one friend starts, then all the other friends ass kiss. I think there's a lot of ass kissing going on in those toasts.

I agree with that, but I also think that some people like to be the main character. Well, it's hard to deny that.

I've had it. I've had it with the toast. I've had it with the eye contact. I've had it with the superstition. I think we should do what they do in Europe. It's just cheers. Yeah, cheers. Salute. Easy, easy. In Italy, salute. And you just, you know, and then you drink and then you just move right on down the road. Right. But this belabored thing. And then when, you know, especially gets awkward when you have like the bride, you

or the bride's parents or the groom's parents reminisce back to the beginning of their marriage

Oh, yeah. I've been at those. And how great of a marriage they have when you know. One of them's been fecking around for 20 years. Exactly. Yeah. And you're just like, put a sock in it. You know it is a jet stream of bullshit. Right. That's kind of entertaining. No, I kind of do enjoy that a little bit, but it's typically the parents that want to take it back to their parents and then their wedding and then their marriage and then when the child was born. And you're just like,

Shut the fuck up. This is as bad as a vacation photo shoot. I mean, photo array that we have to watch. Like, no. Had it. Had it. Welcome to our podcast. I've had it, aka Girl Please. Which I still kind of like. I'm going to stand by it. Aka Girl Please. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. She's Pumps.

For the permanent record, she was Angelina Pumpkin Tina. We shortened it to Tina Full of Pumps. Now she's Pumps. The weight loss is due to an injection she gets called Mongero. You no longer have to ask us in the comment section or send DMs or comment on YouTube. I will continue to start every podcast with this information until you guys stop asking for the people in the back. Kylie. Hi. Hi. How are you? I'm good. Good.

I've got some good comments for you. Oh, good. People are fired up. Someone named Susan, middle name Dennis, which I really like, wrote, For your information, you guys are some bitter ass bitches. For your information. Like you didn't know. Like that's a secret. Thanks, Susan. Thank you for the breaking news, Susan. Thanks, Susan Dennis. Susan Dennis. Susan Dennis. This person named Morgan wrote,

The world needs a lot less people like this. And then we got an email. Oh, okay. They took a lot of time. They found our website. They found our email. They wrote their name as Gloria. It's not anonymous. And they just wrote, saw you for the first time. Wow. You pathetic, clueless idiots. Okay.

Here's the dedication to that. I like the commitment. The commitment is off the chart. I would never get so far as to find the website, the email, the whole nine. But here's the deal. I respect she put her name on it. Yeah. No anonymous for Gloria. Okay, I've got one last one for you. It's a review titled Doing Something Right, Five Stars. Oh. The only thing conservatives hate more than this podcast is Taylor Swift. Okay.

We'll definitely support 10 out of 10. That's nice. What a great review. That's nice. Well, you know, something funny happened, listeners. So after we had on the Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez,

Of course, Fox News loses their mind. Right. As they always do about her. I mean, it's like, I think just even if they heard the whisper, AOC. Right. You know, they've got to have it. So Pops comes into the podcasting studio and her mom is a big Fox News listener. 24-7, mom and dad. Tell the listeners what she said to you. So she doesn't listen to the podcast for starters because she doesn't like cussing. And so she just walks in and we sit down and she just goes, well...

Podcast was on Fox News twice this week. Like it was the worst, most embarrassing moment of her entire life. And I just said, isn't that great? Never thought we'd be on Fox News. Yeah. You know, honestly, I didn't. I never would have thought that. Fox News. Yeah. I just, Fox News is like a wild, wild world to me. Like it's just a wild, wild world.

crazy world to me. When I go to my parents and it's on, they always turn it off when I walk in. I don't know if they're embarrassed or just don't want the extra noise, but it's always fear mongering. I mean, it's always something that I have never heard of, things that may or may not be happening because you don't know with them. Because sometimes my mom will cite facts like

Well, you know, the crime is just da-da-da-da-da. And I'm like, you've never been even close to a crime in your entire fucking life. Like, why are you sitting here acting like you know? So in the statistics and stuff, you can tell. So I always say, oh, is that what they're saying on Fox News?

And then she's like, well, it's real. And I was like, okay, well, I just think you ought to find a second source. If you can find a second source that bucks that up, that number up, then I think you should do it. But then it's just dropped. So that's why I didn't get any information other than the jab about Fox News. You were on Fox. Right.

And not in a good way. It wasn't. It was not pride. Not glowing with pride by any stretch of the imagination. Right. Do not worry. Dragging the family name through the mud. Through the mud. Perhaps. Terrible person. On Fox News with that communist AOC. I mean, is there anything worse on the planet? I think a lot of their vitriol towards...

AOC and Taylor Swift is the fem... Because they're sexist. Misogynist. Well, and they're smart. And they're smart. And wildly successful. Right. Yeah. And, you know, Fox News espouses this traditional family. We got to keep traditional family alive. Well, in the traditional family...

The mother isn't this wildly successful businesswoman that is not beholden to the patriarchy or a man. And so that's a very threatening component for them because in their world,

women should submit to their husbands. Absolutely. And the fact that a woman could have a career and not have a husband and not have children is just something that's very terrifying for them. They can't wrap their heads around it. Why would anyone want that? And here's the deal. You know, I think the average age of a Fox viewers, anywhere from like 65 to 68, you know, so the curtains are starting to close on that, you know? Yeah.

And so they're just really clinging on. When you get to our kids' generation, Gen Z, I mean, they're just kind of like... Yeah, I don't think we got a lot of Fox News watchers in that. No, not at all. Not at all. Okay, pumps. I was reading the news on the World Wide Web, and I came across a very alarming article. Okay. Stanley Cupps...

contain lead. Yes, I have gotten that direct message on several occasions about that, the lead and the Stanley cap. Yeah. So a lot of our listeners are pretty young, but I encourage all of you to Google Karen Silkwood. It's an incident where she was exposed. I believe it was radiation. Correct. Remember she had to do those Silkwood showers? Yes. Yeah. So just know that I'm here

Because if anybody could break a Stanley cup and expose the lead in it, I think you're equal to that task. I've dropped mine so many times.

I'm surprised I haven't broken it by now, in all honesty. For the permanent record, I'm banning all Stanley Cups from the podcasting studio because I don't want lead poisoning. Well, I don't think you could get lead poisoning from looking at it. I just don't want it near. Now I'm going to start bringing it in. I haven't brought it in in months. There's a bunch of TikTokers that are doing, they ordered these Amazon lead testing kits. We have a listener that sent that. She did it at home. They're all tests. They're all hidden tests.

Like crazy. And here's the thing. I've been whistleblowing about these cups long before I knew they were poisoning America. Poisoning. Okay. And now we know that they can't just make a cup by the rules. They have to put lead in it. Maybe that's why it didn't survive the fire. Do you know you cannot buy a house and like it pass inspections if the house has a

Lead-based paint. I did know that. Yeah. So Stanley kept skirting here, the system. Somehow skirting. And children, which we all know what a huge advocate I am for our youth, right? Especially in restaurants. Are begging their parents for these Stanley cups. And these parents, you know, go online and

Kill a few people at Target, you know, to get this Valentine cup or whatever it was they were going so nuts over. And then they're just serving up lead poisoning to the youth. And I want to say, as an advocate for children, I hope that Stanley gets their shit together. Pull yourself together, Stanley. So you're poisoning yourself and your children, Pumps. Okay, I'll take that under advisement. Okay. I really appreciate that update. All right. And just to reiterate, the cup is banned from the studio. Okay. Okay.

Do you suffer from having a parasocial relationship with two barely competent middle-aged women?

If so, please go to I've had it podcast.com or to any social media site. I'm talking X, formerly Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, et cetera, and click the link in bio and come see us at the hot shit tour. Make your parasocial relationship real at the hot shit tour. Right pumps. Tell them it's so fun. We hope to see you there.

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Join Walmart in shouting out your favorite black-led products, creating a new world of choices at walmart.com slash black and unlimited. Kylie, I think that we have not heard from our beloved listeners in quite some time, and we're always looking for new grievances, all of us. So let's hear what our listeners have had it with. Who's first? Up first, we've got Jupiter. Jupiter.

Love that. Hey, Jen. Hey, Ponce. I'm basically using your DMs as a personal diary now. So today what I've had it with is direction givers. What I mean by that is people who will tell you to go to a place, whatever, and...

They give you directions like you are Lewis and fucking Clark navigating the globe. And not to even mention the people who give cardinal directions don't get me fucking started on that. I don't know which way is north. I barely know which way is up and down. Anyway, I've had it with those fucking people and it all comes back to yak mouths. So thanks for giving me that term, by the way. Use it every day. A yak mouth is a yak mouth is a yak mouth.

Jupiter is 100% correct. I am Jupiter. The people where you ask, hey, how do I get to the bodega? What you want to do is head east. Right. I'm like, I don't fucking know which way you see. And then when you see the windmill turn north and then you're going to circle back around the cul-de-sac and the bend. It's just like, this is not helpful. No. At all. I will say...

I prefer directions with a landmark, like turn right at the McDonald's. That is helpful. I like that. I mean, like if you give me something I'm looking for that I can say, okay, there's the McDonald's or there's the Lowe's or whatever, something like that, I'm way better. But if you start telling me east, west, north, south, I'm completely fucked.

You know, a lot of our listeners are significantly younger than you. And I think it would be important for us to point out to them that back in the day. Yes. Here's the deal, kids. It was tough, titty city. You just found it. Trying to find point A to B. Like you had to have a map in the glove box. A paper map.

Pulled over on the side of the road trying to figure out which way would be the fastest. And I mean, it was tough times. It was. And what was so crazy about it is we were just talking about that this weekend. Our drivers, our children drivers, can't find shit because they've always got their head in their phones.

Whereas we knew where everything was once we started driving. Like we didn't ask our moms for directions once we started driving. Well, because when we rode in the car when we were children, we looked out the window. Right. Because we didn't have a smartphone to look into. So I...

turned on the radio, had a light conversation with my parent and looked out the window. And I knew the names of the streets because I looked at the signs. And then when my kids started driving, I was like, they don't know where they are, but their phone will tell them. Right. But my kids have even gotten lost with the phone telling them they didn't know where they were. I fucking loved it because I was just like, see, because I tried to give him direction. He's like, mom, I'll just do it on my phone. And I'm like, okay. Motherfucker got lost and I was happy about it.

Yeah, I mean, that's pretty bad, getting lost with a smartphone. Totally. I'll tell you one other thing that people don't realize, particularly the Gen Zers.

When we were younger, it was like, I will meet you at that pole in two hours. We didn't live 360 or find my friends. You just had to wait for your friend at the meeting spot. Right. There was no texting. I'm running late. I'm going to be early. It was none of that. No, we were feral. Feral? Yeah. I mean, we were just like out there.

All day long. Right. Up to no good. No good. I mean, I remember like we would play outside so much that when I would get home, I would literally have to do a tick check. Did you ever have to do a tick check?

Only when I was at the lake. Yeah. No, because we were out. We were outside. We figured out a way to navigate from like neighborhood to neighborhood the back way through fields. Right. And so we would have to like, my mom would be like, you need to do a tick check. And I did a little tick check. Sometimes I'd have a tick behind my ear. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, she's 100% right though. Okay. All right, Kylie, who's next?

Okay, next we've got Simone. Hello, ladies and lesbians of I've Had It podcast. Hello, KB. I am here to give you an I've Had It that has been in existence since like the 90s. And it should have fucking died with the 90s, but our society has clearly not evolved since then. And that is baby on board stickers on the back of cars.

who the fuck is saying you know i was gonna run into that car but now that i know that they have a baby on board i think i'll fucking reconsider it no one is saying that this is stupid all it does is advertise you have a fucking baby in the car which just i don't know encourages kidnappers it does not make other people better drivers i've had it love you guys

The baby on board, stickers and those little suction cup with the little like yellow sign. Yeah, like a yellow. How have we not browbeat this? It's a failure on our part. Complete failure. It's amazing this podcast is still trucking along with such an oversight as massive as this because the baby on board. Number one, nobody gives a shit. Nobody cares.

Nobody is going to alter the way they're driving based on that sticker. Right. Like I was going to ram into the back of you. An asshole is still going to be an asshole. Right.

Road ragers are still going to be road ragers. Nobody is going to be deferential to the small human. It's just not going to happen. Maybe we should. Maybe we should be. But we're not because guess what? Everybody's having babies all the time and toting them around in cars. It's not something that you should advertise. And I think she brings up a great point. Nobody wants to get Liam Neeson involved with some sort of kidnapping type situation. That's my favorite part. Yeah.

Just advertising for your child to be kidnapped. Yeah, just making your baby kidnap bait. And you know, it's funny because we did the stick figures.

With the family in the back? Yeah, those are the worst. Those are the worst. But the baby on board is more obnoxious just because it's like at least there's something personal about the stick figures. Like we know they have two dogs, three kids. Oh, that's what makes them the worst. I know. But at least I can ponder that. But when I see the baby on board, I'm just like, who fucking cares? The stick figure to me is the worst. You think it's worse? The worst. That is like peak, like absolute.

I'm a narcissist. My spouse is a narcissist. The kids are narcissists. The dog's a narcissist. And as a family, we're all narcissists. And we had a sticker made and we're putting it on the car. I've had it. I have had it. The baby on board is horrible, but I have to go stick figure is just...

Just the whole idealizing this picture-perfect family with stick figure drawings. Number one, the drawing is not that impressive. They're stick figures. Okay. And then nobody cares how many members of the family you have. Sometimes people put their pets in addition to it. You'll see like the little whiskers for a cat and a couple of dogs. And you know how much I love the animals. I don't think this needs to be a part of the showboating and grandstanding on the sticker. What would you do if...

If like a person you really, really, really liked. Okay. Okay. You really, really, really love this person. You think they're great. They've never really done anything that's a red flag to you. You think this person's cool. You walk them to their car and then you're approaching the car from the back and you see that they have a stick figure family as well as a baby on board suction cup yield sign.

Okay. How old are they? Are they my age? Are they younger? I'm going to say that this is a younger person. Let's say they're around 30 or 35 and you've got a little young hip friend that you just really like. This gal's a real dynamo or guy. They're real dynamos. And you think, God, this person's cool. They've got their shit together. Let's say it's Kylie. What would you do?

I would just be like, oh, that's a fail and move on. I wouldn't say anything. It wouldn't change my opinion. But you would immediately call me. I would immediately call you. Yes. But I wouldn't like think differently of Kylie. I'd just be like, what the fuck's going on there? And just to myself. Then I'd call you. Yeah. And then I'd be over it. But I wouldn't like cut ties. No, of course you wouldn't cut ties. I mean, that would be the most extreme thing, of course. Right. But I don't even think I'd say anything. I wouldn't say like, what the fuck's going on with this baby on board? Right. Would you? Yeah.

If it was Kylie, yes. It would depend on how intimate I am with the person. Like Kylie and I can be asshole buddies and we would for sure, she would call me out for something and I want friends that do that to me. Right. But I don't like superficial flattery. So I would want her to say,

Jen, what the fuck's going on with the stick finger French bulldogs? I'd be like, I like them. Fuck off. I know I'm a hypocrite. And I think I could say the same to you, Kylie, right? Yeah, I am really curious to hear what that phone call to me would be. I think you would rip me a new one. I think I would go, Kylie, is this your idea or on us?

And of course, we all know what Kylie's going to do. She's going to pick up on it. She's going to lie. Right under the bus. She's going to lie. I'm going to lie and I'm going to say it's Ana's idea. And then Ana's going to say, why are y'all always lying about me on the podcast?

I mean, I don't, it wouldn't make me like a person less that would never do that. But sometimes I would, sometimes people can surprise you. Right. That would be a surprise. That would be a huge surprise. Yeah. All right. Up next, we've got Katie S. Hi there, ladies. This is Katie from Texas. I fucking had it with this.

I'm not a robot login bullshit. Oh, they'll be like, identify a crosswalk. And then there I am. And I'm like, okay, well, there's three big squares there that have a crosswalk in them, but there's a smidgen over there. I guess I'm going to select that one. Oh, nope. Now I'm being shot off to buses. Was that a crosswalk or was it not like be super fucking clear in the instructions? Cause now I'm identifying buses. Well, clearly I did that fucking wrong. And now I'm off identifying fire hydrants and all of a sudden,

want to do is check my goddamn email. I'm not working for the CIA and like shifting around classified documents, which apparently those can just live in a fucking drawer in Mar-a-Lago. So even then, who cares if I'm a fucking robot? I'm starting to wonder if I am a robot. I can't get this shit right. It's like test anxiety whenever that shit comes on. I fucking had it. The prove you're not a robot test.

I have failed this test this past week. Really? About six or seven times because it gets you. Because it's like identify the motorcycle. So it's one image of a guy on a motorcycle. And then it cuts like the mirror and half of the mirror is in it and half of it's not. And then I'm sitting there like flop sweating. Do I click that or do I not click this? And then I'm just thinking –

I have a woman that lives inside my phone that I can say, hey, Siri, play Bohemian Rhapsody. And she does it with pleasure. Why are we going through this like this?

the C-team technology with these images to advance further in the internet. And typically, it's when you're trying to buy something. I was just going to say, it's like they want to make it harder for you to buy something. Yes, I've had it. And I flunked that test too, like, because I overthink it. I'm like, okay, well, that's a hill that...

There's something like there's a shadow of the hill. So does that count? I get kicked off those all the time. The traffic lights. Traffic light. Is the pole a part of it? That's exactly. Or is it just the light? I've gotten stuck on that. Is the frame a part of it? Right. I've gotten stuck on the crosswalk like Katie. I've gotten stuck on some. I just about two days ago, I was booking some things online. I failed one of those tests three times in a row. I went from the motorcycle to the crosswalk to the traffic light.

It finally passed on some sort of bicycle thing. So I had to take it four times to pass the I'm not a robot exam. So you could put your credit card in and pay them money.

I can't believe that the Republicans are not all over this. Right. Because they're all about, you know, free markets and all this stuff, this anti-robot movement on the World Wide Web. I've never understood why you have to prove you're not a robot to begin with. Why does it matter? Who the fuck cares? Make the test easy.

for humans obviously i'm not very good at being a human because i never get it i would think that the robot would have done better that's what i was just gonna say at the test than i did the other day it has to because i'm just too literal with it i am too i'm like overthinking and i need better instructions like you know click every single part of the motorcycle not just the spoke is the driver included in that what about his helmet

What about the license tag? Yeah. A lot of questions I have every time I do this. Yeah, I know. I've had it. All right, Kylie, who's next? All right. Up next, we've got Kara. Hi, my name is Kara. I love your podcast. This is my first submission, probably first of many because I'm a petty fucking bitch and I live for it.

So I have a lot of grievances. But the first one I think I want to air is when people announce the birth of their baby on social media and they say some shit like, finally earth side or like so happy so and so arrived earth side safely.

What the fuck does that mean? Where do you think babies come from? Do you think they come from this magical, sparkly, alternate universe? No, it came out of your fucking cooter.

I mean, I've never seen this before. I haven't either. I just assumed I didn't know what it meant and everybody else knew what it meant. Here's the problem with that. Like, it was, you're from the earth. It was conceived on the earth and it's born on the earth. Never was it not on the earth. When was it not earth side? It's always been earth side. It's always been earth side. I think one could argue that in order for life to even happen...

the temperature would have to be such in the universe that Earth is really the only place known to produce. Sure, there are other places out in the universe, but currently it's my understanding that this is the spot

In the universe, the known universe that you can actually create a human. I don't know if they've found any other place. I think that would be big news. I was thinking like, is that like a Scientology thing? Is it like a horoscope thing? It's probably, you know, it's this horoscope crap, you know, and it's getting a lot of steam. I've heard a lot of people lately when they're describing how they are link it to their Pisces rising, you

And Libra sun setting or what the fuck ever. And I have had it. I have a confession to make. You've been doing this? No, no, no, no, no, no. For some random reason, maybe it's because we talk about it all the time. My phone popped up with on one of my news apps and said, check today's horoscope. And I thought, I'm just going to check it. It was so boring. It was so uninteresting. Yeah.

But I did just do it this very day. I got in there and looked. And I don't know what I thought it would say. Like, you're going to win the lottery. I don't know. I just don't understand. Like when you find out that something is disproven by everybody in the modern scientific era that studied it, why you would still believe it. That kind of fascinates me. I think it's more fun. I don't think, I mean, I could be wrong.

But like, I love to get my tarot cards read. I love to go to a psychic. I love all that just for shits and giggles. Entertainment. Entertainment. Yeah. The people I'm talking about. Like believe, believe.

I'm like, oh, we're having a conversation and then it immediately goes into their sign as some sort of a justification for why they feel emotions a certain way instead of just being vulnerable and saying, I'm a rather sensitive person. Right. So I tend to maybe overreact to things. But instead, we have to engage it with basically data junk problems.

Disproven science. Yeah. And it feels like it's coming back. Like I'm seeing it more. I'm hearing people say it more. Yeah. Because I feel like when I was growing up, it was prevalent because I remember I used to read my when I used to get the newspaper every day, I would read my horoscope every day, like middle school, high school. And then I hadn't heard about it and heard about it and heard about it. And now I feel like last year, I heard about it a ton.

So it's on the comeback. Like leg warmers, it's coming back. Leg warmers are coming back. And you know what else is making a huge comeback? What? Weenie dogs. I've seen a lot.

I've seen a lot of weenie dogs. Everywhere we go and on the hot shit tour in these cities, these walkable cities. Weenie dogs. We're seeing weenie dogs left and right. Weenie dogs are making a huge comeback. Who called the Brussels sprouts comeback? You did. You called it about six years ago. You said Brussels sprouts have made a huge comeback. And then every restaurant I ate at after that.

Everywhere I went, every menu, Brussels sprouts. You might not be hip on a lot of things, but you called that Brussels sprout renaissance. Thank you. You did. I was on the front line. You were the first person I heard it from. And now they're still, I mean, they're still super good. Yeah. Kale. Kale's made a huge comeback. Yeah. Okay. This is going to show how ignorant I am about all the organic stuff. I had never heard of kale before its comeback. It was like decorative lettuce. Yeah.

Oh my gosh, you're right. Remember when we would get the children's plate and they would have that kind of hard lettuce and it would have like a little, it was the decorative lettuce. Now the kids are eating the decorative lettuce that they used to decorate our plates with in the 80s and 90s. I had no idea. See, this podcast is a public service announcement for learning. That's right. Weenie dogs. Weenie dogs. Kale. Brussels sprouts. Brussels sprouts. Horoscopes.

Which I don't support. But I do support the weenie dogs, the kale, and the Brussels sprouts. All right, Kylie, who's next? All right, up next we've got Vida.

Hi ladies, this is Vida. I'm your biggest drag queen fan. I listen to the podcast all the time. I currently manage a med spa and I have absolutely had it with these ladies trying to keep their cosmetic procedures a secret. Girl, we all know you walked in with Reba McEntire lips and you left with a butthole on your face. We know you're getting work done. It's not a secret. I've had it. It's true. It's so true.

It is so true. I mean, oh my gosh, I'm like tickled. Okay. So I have to tell you the funniest story about this. My mother's going to kill me, but it's too good not to share. So probably about 15 years ago, maybe even 20, my mother and I go to get facials. She was first with the lady and then I was getting my hair done. Then we switched places and I was second.

And so the esthetician says to me something about, well, you have good skin like your mother. And I go, yeah, yeah, she looks great. And she was like, yeah, she looks really good for her age. I go, well, yeah, you know, she's had a lift and tuck or two. The esthetician said, really? And I go, can't you tell? And she was like, well, I asked your mother who her plastic surgeon is, and she just adamantly denied having any plastic surgery at all.

And my jaw's on the floor and I'm thinking, what kind of lying gaslighting is my mother up to with this esthetician? I mean, this is straight up abusive gaslighting. So naturally I get out of the facial. Right. And I go over to my mother and I go, mom. And you know how my mom really is kind of a wallflower, like to people she doesn't know well. Right. So I walk up to her and I go, uh,

Mom, did you tell that woman that you didn't have any plastic surgery on your face? And she goes, well, that woman was nothing but a damn bitch. Yeah.

She's a nosy bitch. I mean, she was madder than a hornet. My mom was in there running a scam. And think about this. She's literally got one of those microscopic light things on my mother's face. And I'm sure you could see some sort of like incision or something. And my mother looks great. She's 80 years old. She's beautiful. She's fit. She probably been in her 60s during this time. But yeah, she's out there lying about plastic surgery. Yeah.

I think that's common for that age group. I have a friend whose mother-in-law, somebody asked her about her face and she was like, oh no, I've never had work done. And my friend was like, I took you to your facelift. She started denying it to the daughter-in-law that took her to the facelift. Yeah. It's like, are you fucking kidding me? But the younger kids are doing it too. They're lying about lip injections and you know, you can look at it and immediately see that these girls have had lip injections. Yeah.

And they'll deny it. See, I'm just like, I'm happy. I don't care if people know. I mean, obviously. I bet in the instance of this caller, it is pretty frustrating when he sees. Oh, I cannot even imagine what he deals with on a daily basis. Yeah. The thing is, is, I mean, I've even had friends that have lied about boob jobs. Like, that's not a fucking secret. Right. Like, everybody knows. Right. Like, if I walked in tomorrow with a, hey.

Right. You would know I had a boob reduction. Right. I mean, that's just, why would you lie about something so obvious? Yep. I agree. All right, Pumps. I think that's it. We love hearing from our listeners. I love that all of our listeners have something new for us to complain about. Yes. And so now we're going to go behind the paywall on Patreon to listen to more of

voice memos that we didn't get to and have a post show. We started a cult over on Patreon. Come join us. Come see us on the Hot Shit Tour. Subscribe to our YouTube channel. Send us a voice memo, but for preferred access to have your voice memo featured, join us in the cult on Patreon. Pumps tell them we will see you next Tuesday or Thursday or both. I'll tell you what I've had it with. Let's hear it. What's that?

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