I Don't Want That Receipt with Josh Welch
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So are we supposed to start the podcast? Ready? One, two, three. We were almost insane. Did you clap too? I was going to. I didn't know. Can the guests? Let's try it again. Let's try it again. Okay, ready? Let's a team. Okay. Ready? One, two, three. I mean, that is a clap on. Look at the... I just get so happy. Look at the joy out of me, Ma. Look at that joy. The simple things in life. It is the simple things when you get to be my age. All right. Listen up, listener.

We have a big day for you today because we have invited Josh Welch back into the studio to discuss my grievances, his grievances, Pomp's grievances. This is going to be nothing short of a trifecta of grievances. Yes, and I hate to say it, it pains me deeply to say that Josh is a crowd favorite.

It's hard on me. And Jennifer said trifecta, not to be confused with a menage a trois.

Look at you busting out the French. Aren't I just, I mean, I'm running out of the gates here. Let's try to get some structure. Let's try to get some structure back to this because this is what the listeners want out of me. I've got to sheriff this shit with you two already. Pumps, what have you had it with? Okay, I'll tell you what I've had it with. And I mean, I have fucking had it. Yeah. I've had it with paying premium prices for streaming services and you still get fucking commercials. I'm talking to Amazon. I'm talking to Peacock. Hulu.

Hulu is a big offender. I'll tell you what, I've canceled Peacock twice and then I get back on. I get sucked in and I do it and I upgrade my service to no commercials and every fucking show I get commercials and I'm like, that's why I cancel it every time. So I'm canceling again and I'm never going back.

To have it. To peacock. I'm done. That is a great grievance. I mean, I don't know how many times on Hulu I've looked at, like, I would buy stock in it if they would stop showing these advertisements. Agree. And it's like they hide it. They disguise it. Yes, they do. They do. It's a bait and switch. It is the biggest bait and switch. Upgrade your plan. Upgrade your plan. You want a commercial-free plan? Oh, here we go.

Oh, here's the commercial for your plan. So you're paying premium prices and you know what you're getting? Fucking nothing. And you end up with three accounts and don't know the passwords for any of them. Oh my God, the password thing. Yeah. No, this is a huge problem. And I've had this problem. I'll shout to Josh, Josh, come here. I have these commercials on my Hulu. And then he starts getting into our accounts. He's like, I have the most expensive plan that you can possibly have on Hulu. There's no way I would shortchange us on a plan. No. I mean, it's top tier planning. It's top tier planning.

If they tell me it's 100 extra bucks a year, no commercials, here's your 100 bucks. We're paying. Happily. Instead, I get all snuggled in for my nighttime first 48 hours and there's six commercials. My head's exploding. I'm so fucking mad. I want to just throw the TV out the window. Just, I can't take it. And to think back in 1977, we would literally sit down on the floor and get up.

Change it from three to four. That sucks. Five to six. That sucks. Six to seven. Just and think where we are now. So I've got to endure 10 or 15 seconds of this bullshit. I can't do it. That's what I added it up.

There were six minutes worth of commercials in my 48-minute show. And, I mean, you would have thought someone shoved a hot poker in my ass. I was so mad. It was awful. You know, your listeners are probably thinking, how do we get the I've Had It podcast without these fucking commercials? Yeah.

I bet they're saying that. I bet they're thinking, I know your pain because I have to endure it on this goddamn podcast every time. But you're 100% right. That's right. Listeners, weigh in. Something has got to pay for pumps as Monjero and Botox. I mean, this Botox ain't cheap. All right. So let me tell you what I've had it with. It's kind of in the same vein. And it is.

When you buy something and there is assembly required. Assembly required. Let me tell you how this goes down at my house. All right. Josh is well stocked with sea salt spray, wrinkle creams, all sorts of designer clothes. We do not have...

tools. We'll order something and it will need to be assembled. And I'm always the person that assembles it. 12 times out of 10, I assemble it. When we moved our son to Syracuse to go to college, he bought a gaming chair in Syracuse. And Josh and I are up there and there's this gaming chair that my son and I go to the Syracuse Walmart and buy. We bring it back and

And Dylan, our oldest son, and Josh just kind of look at the instructions and look at the chair. And then they both busy themselves with something else. Right. I assemble the entire gaming chair all by myself. Finally, I'm so beside myself. Dylan chips in. You know who didn't chip in? Josh Welch. You know who didn't man up? Josh Welch. You know who didn't man up like Jesus? Josh.

Josh Welch. Josh Welch. I still get, it seems like there's two different kinds of screwdrivers. There's like a Phillips and then there's the flathead. I'm still trying to kind of figure that out. Like every now and then I'll grab the wrong screwdriver. But Jennifer's not being 100% accurate in that story. I think I did offer initially.

And then you probably thought, look, if Josh is going to tinker with this fucking thing, we'll be here for about another week. So no, I'm not letting you anywhere near it. Well, but here's the thing. That was an empty offer. Right. That's right. I mean, you were never, ever going to put the chair together. But when you've earned the nickname, the sheriff, then that's part of your job. Cavalier is coming and she's there to.

To tell everybody what to do, give marching orders. Yeah. Now, I remember when my kids were little, when you used to have to assemble all their toys on Christmas Eve from Santa. I remember being up till three o'clock in the morning while my ex-husband was fluffed up snoring so that I could put those all together. And I'm like, I never want to hear again. Do you miss having a man around the house? Fuck no, I don't. Are we sure he was fluffed up snoring? Yeah.

You might have been fluffed up doing other things, but not with me. All right. Welcome to I've Had It. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. She is Meemaw. She is America's greatest legal mind. She is the star of the show, the hottest woman in podcasting. Kylie, do you have any hate comments surrounding possibly the show today?

I do. I actually picked out some hate comments for Josh Welch himself. Oh, my God. That makes me so happy. It's like it's my birthday. Cannot wait. All right. These are from YouTube. This one is from Bodie Bosser 835. And they write, Josh looks like a gay Harry Potter. Oh.

That must have been an episode where I was wearing the round glasses. Yeah. I would agree with that person. I think the biggest compliment a straight man can get is being confused with the homosexual man. Oh, I do too. Because they are... Yeah.

I mean, not stereotyping, but pretty much across the board. Buttoned up. Best dress, best hair, best grooming. I mean, I think that's a huge compliment. Thank you. I don't take offense to it. No, it's a compliment. And I mean, buttoned up stylistically. I didn't mean uptight. Right, right, right. I knew what you meant. I mean, they got their shit together. Shit is tight. Yeah. All right. How about this one? It's from Hey Girl Hey. And they write, Josh just looks like a lesbian version of Jennifer. Yeah.

Let's see. A lesbian version of Jennifer. So would that make me gay? The lesbian version of Jennifer. Yeah, I don't know. I like that, though. Yeah. The last one I think it's going to hurt deep is from JonesFactor9, and he writes, Hate to burst his bubble, but Josh looks and acts nothing like Brad Pitt. Oh, yeah. Oh.

Yeah. Ouch. That hurt. I saw there's this photo of Brad Pitt at Wimbledon last year. I look at it and I see me.

And now this, who is this person? What's their name? Jones Factor 9. Jones Factor 9. I mean, just give me a little bit here. Can you just, I mean, I don't need to be Brad Pitt, but don't just put me, you know, completely out of it. There's a similarity maybe in style. Style or hair. You know, here's one of the things that I absolutely love about Josh that I just, I find to be so fantastic. Oh, well, let me.

You will look at a picture of Tom Brady and you'll be like, that's me. Brad Pitt. I see that. I see me in you. You know, let me tell you guys, let me tell you guys, I started getting a bunch of DMs from Josh, which are from these plastic surgery accounts where it's the plastic surgeon, like

photos of Brad Pitt and they're looking at him at the Wimbledon thing that Josh talked about. And they're like, there's no question that Brad Pitt has had a facelift. Look at him four years ago and look at him now. He looks 15 years younger. It's literally Benjamin Button, but he's not doing this naturally. He had a facelift. So Josh sent me like three of these videos and for like two weeks straight, he talked about

Brad Pitt's skirting the system. He's getting facelift. I mean, it really set in his crawl. It did because that's something I will not do. Like, you know, never say never. It's just that

Don't think that I would ever do that. And I see Brad, who I think looked fabulous at Wimbledon. And then some, you know, medical account somewhere has dissected his look and given this whole thing about how he's had surgery. I'm thinking that little fucker here. I am thinking that he's got some good, you know, anti-aging serum and regimen that he's doing and he's out there getting surgery.

Little fucking cheater. All right. Well, let me introduce our guest. His name is Josh Welch. He is my husband. We've been together an awfully long time. We've been through quite a bit together. Pumps is our sister wife, non-practicing sexually, of course. Right. Because pumps is asexual. Right.

And I'm not attracted to her in that way. And Josh is here to share his grievances with us today. Josh, what have you had it with? Well, I first want to remind the listener that I first went to rehab in 1988. I've been a total of five times. And my last stint was 2015 in a back-to-back pop at San Fran, L.A. Tell us. Share with the listener what you were addicted to.

Well, it just depends. I mean, so opiates, but I'm part of the OG generation of guys that took the original Oxycontin, like the green 80 milligrams. And it was right when Oxycontin came out. But Adderall, Xanax, I mean, I don't want to bore the listener with every single prescription drug that is semi-addictive. Alcohol. The main highlight here is to note that 1988,

Last visit, 2015. Total of five. Let's move on. I was sitting here thinking while we were doing this, I bet she doesn't bring it up today. But you went on the offensive. You just took the bull by the horns. I wanted to get it out there. In case this is a first-time listener, in case there's a first-time viewer that have never heard our stories. Do you suffer from having a parasocial relationship with two barely competent middle-aged women? No.

If so, please go to I've had it podcast.com or to any social media site. I'm talking X, formerly Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, et cetera, and click the link in bio and come see us at the hot shit tour. Make your parasocial relationship real at the hot shit tour. Right pumps. Tell them it's so fun. We hope to see you there. Addie.

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All right, Josh, why don't you tell us what you've had it with? Okay, so I have this thing that happens to me every day. It's ordering at a fast drive-thru sandwich restaurant. I do it every day. There's a restaurant called Neptune's Sandwiches. Easy enough. You order. They have the sign.

I order every single day a ham sub sandwich with extra meat and cheese. That's a half. It's on white bread. And every single time I ask for extra meat and extra cheese, and every single time the girl responds back to me and says that I'm going to ring up extra ham, we don't have an option to ring up the extra salami.

So I'm going to show that as roast beef on your receipt. So if you get that receipt and it says roast beef, you're going to know. And this happens every single time. So now when they read that back to me and explain, you know, sometimes they're going to use turkey instead of roast beef because there's not an option on their menu to put extra salami. So they have to use another meat.

So when they tell me that now, I say, listen, I'm the creator of this whole thing. I know that you don't have a button for extra salami, extra turkey, extra roast beef. You can even show it as three hams. But just don't – I don't want to have to talk about it every single time. And surprisingly, it's the same person. Yeah.

That's the kicker here is that we kind of go through this thing every day. And I eat at Neptune. It's only a few blocks from our office. So I eat there at least five times a week.

And it's just, it's kind of like I can't be on the phone or anything because I know it's going to be about eight or nine minutes of this and I have to do this. And a few times the other people have been with me and they're just like, wow. Why don't you share with Pumps, Kylie and the listener about your battle with receipts?

Well, okay. So, and, and, and this same transaction, I don't want, I never want a receipt. Like this whole tax write-off bullshit thing, whatever. I mean, I just, I don't want them. You get them, you put them somewhere and you're, I'm real OCD about my car being clean. So every single time I tell her no receipt, but what she tries to do is she hands me the credit card and the receipt together.

to where I can't really just do a not take it because I want the credit card. She's doing it in one transaction. She's wrapping the receipt around it. So I try to, before it even gets to that stage, I try to, my hands are up saying, no receipt, no receipt, no receipt.

And it, and it have this. So this whole thing happens to me every single day because I love Neptune sandwiches, shout out, but I have to go through this. And that shows how much I love them because I go through this every single time. It's like, you know, I could go somewhere else, but I want Neptune. And yes, I'm going to have to go through this thing. It's just trench warfare. Yeah.

the drive-thru at Neptune sandwiches. Have you ever had them do the, you know, the receipt and the credit card are together? Yeah. So if I'm just trying to like, I won't take the receipt. So sometimes I'll try to just maneuver the card and it'll fall.

Then I have to get out because I will not like my hands will not go on that receipt. I don't want it. I've already told you I don't want it. And they're still trying to give it to me. I don't want the write off. I don't want excess paper. I don't want trash in my car. I want none of it. Zero part of your receipt. I want to get into something here. And this is your problems when you order food at restaurants.

How many times per year do you think when we go out to eat or in a drive-thru in a restaurant takeout that you can look at an order and order something like, I'll take the number two, and there's no modifications to it whatsoever? The closest thing to that would be the, everybody knows the 99 cent McDonald's cheeseburgers. Right. The closest I get to that is I have to have that cheeseburger with no onions.

And that's the closest thing I've ever gotten to ordering something directly off the menu. It was just minus one thing. Because I never have experienced this with you in our 23 years of bliss. I've never experienced eating with you. Trench warfare. I have never experienced with you at a restaurant where we are able to sit down and

And we look at a menu and you're able to just say, I'll take the fish of the day, please. And then that's the end of it. And the waitress writes it down and everybody moves along. It is, I get, I already start to get like worked up because I know that you're going to be at a battle with the restaurant and

about what you can remove, about what you can add. And I just know it's happening. And I know that then they're going to bring it out and the order is going to be fucked up and then you're going to send it back. I just, I know the deal. There's one last thing I want to say about this receipt warfare. One time I was at Brahms. They give me the receipt, you know, and then I do something and then I say, I don't need the receipt. And they say, I'm sorry, we're not allowed to take trash from customers.

And I was like, you just gave me the receipt. He goes, I'm sorry, we don't accept trash. You know how if you try to give, you know, a store bag and I'm just like, I don't want this fucking receipt. You're the one that just gave it to me. And they just would not. They said, this is a firm stance. We do not accept any trash from our customers in the drive through. I'm sorry. Okay.

I kind of love that, that they were like, fuck you, I just gave it to you, now it's trash. Yeah, they did. So that's why at Neptune there's the battle, like I'm not going to be, it's like a contract, I'm not going to accept your contract. I'm not going to do that because then I'm on the hook for it if you don't want to take it back. Yeah, so that's why I am aggressive about this no receipt because I've been bamboozled before. Yeah.

By Brahms. Let me tell you guys what it's like. Brahms is this regional, delicious ice cream place that's like in Texas, Oklahoma.

And so we go there to get ice cream and we'll go through the drive-thru and Josh is driving. And I just have to tell you, number one, when he orders into the speaker, what goes down and how like he has like fighting voice, fighting stance, fighting heart rate. I mean, it is just like all of his senses are completely elevated. And I'm just sitting there like, oh my God, this is ridiculous. Then we get to the pay window first. So they'll have like the pay window, then the ice cream delivery window.

And he's literally like he's waiting on it. And they'll start to hit the receipt and the credit card and he'll he'll like reach no grab a card. I don't want that receipt. I don't want I don't want it. He's doing like these huge. I do not want the receipt. They're kind of like, OK, bro. I'm like, these people are making minimum wage. And Josh acts like they are trying to infiltrate his car with fleas. I just say, look, I've been fucked by you guys before and it's not going to happen on my watch again.

Fool me once. Shame on you. Fool me twice. Shame on having to get fooled again. I will even get out of my car and pick the credit card up if it falls during the transaction because I'm not taking the trash. Okay. All right. I want to segue now into this is an area of Josh's life. This is what recovery brings kids. For those of you that are struggling with addiction, you can get sober and then you have great problems like not allowing receipts into your car.

car. This is what we call normal people problems because we've had some real fucking shit. All right. Now, segwaying over to some more normal people problems for my darling Josh. Why don't you share with pumps and the listener what's going on with you and dogs in your life? So I share an office space with some other lawyers and one of the lawyers, I

has this beautiful white dog that comes to his office. It's a lab. It's a lab, a white lab. And his name is Milo. And Milo is also on their firm website. And he's just the sweetest, nicest dog in the whole world. But what I run into, which is the same situation that we have with our two French bulldogs, is that whenever I bring my Neptune sandwich back to the office...

Milo instantly knows that I brought food. And so he comes to my office and he's just a beautiful dog. He's not loud. He's not mean. He doesn't bark. He's just the sweetest thing. And he just sits there and stares at me the whole time. And I try to avoid this at home. Like I get anxiety when the dog's just watching me eat and I end up giving him part of what I'm eating.

And then I'm still hungry and it's just a clusterfuck. I mean, I just, you know, you know how you just want to sit down and eat a sandwich and chips and then move on. But when, when Milo's there, it's the same with Tubby and Cha-Cha. It's just, it sucks the joy out of it because I'm so worried about Milo and what he wants to eat. So what I've started doing, I pack lunch meat into my suitcase and,

And I take it in a Ziploc bag to the office and I put that in the refrigerator so that when I bring my Neptune sandwich back to eat, I go in the refrigerator, I pull the ham out and I've got four or five slices for Milo. So that way it's a win-win. He gets to enjoy. He gets to eat some ham that he loves. I get to eat all of my sandwich. I don't have anxiety. I'm not concerned. I'm not worried about him.

But I deal with this all the time. It's like, and Jennifer sees it with Cha-Cha and Tubby, like, we'll go to a burger place and I'll tell the people it's another battle I have with them. I'm like, I need two hamburger patties. I need no bread. This is for dogs. Dogs are eating this. And, you know, most people don't know how to respond to that. And so that invites another five or 10 minutes to a discussion. Yeah. So I get it. And then I break the hamburger meat up and, you know, I'm just very codependent about

the dogs and, you know, because think about it. They only get to eat whenever I feel like it. Right. Like, just think if I was them, just think if I only got to eat whenever Jennifer thought I should eat or you like you're at their mercy, you don't control, you can't go out and just grab something. So I have a, a special place in my heart for Milo. He's the sweetest dog in the world.

But it makes me nervous. That is so selfless of you. Yeah. To pack a little lunch for Milo every day. He packs ham in his briefcase. And he had started sending into our family text pictures of Milo. And he's just staring at me and I'm having to share my sandwich with him.

And I know the torture that Josh goes through with dogs because he constantly is worried about our dogs, our dogs' feelings, and our dogs, like, them getting their feelings hurt because we're all eating something and they might not get a bite. Right, it tortures them. So then he, at his law firm now, he's got this situation where this dog works full time just like Tubby and Cha-Cha do here at the recording studio.

And he's on the website when it lists staff. Milo is like the chief officer of happiness. Is that what it says? Yes. That's kind of clever. Warhawk legal. Go look at it. Yeah. And Milo, and I've met Milo. And I'm telling you, he is a very attractive, kind dog. I mean, he is a megawatt presence.

And he's kind of has a Zen-like presence. So Josh just starts detailing the torture that he's going through with Milo via the family text. And about, I guess it was the beginning of this week, he sent a picture of his baggie

full of ham that he was taking to the office for Milo. Just have it on hand for Milo. And a couple of the secretaries that see, I mean, I'm in the kitchen pulling my briefcase out, getting ham out of it to put in the refrigerator. And they're thinking, you know, is this guy just kind of a tight ass? He's making sandwiches up here during the lunch hour? What's the deal with the ham? But let me say this about Milo, which is different than Tubby and Cha-Cha.

Milo doesn't mind mustard on the sandwich. He doesn't have a preference for condiments? No, because before I started bringing the ham, I would nibble off a little bite of ham with mustard on it thinking, well, he's not going to like this. Well, Milo goes right in on that. He doesn't even hesitate. And then...

He likes Cool Ranch Doritos, too. Which, Tubby and Cha-Cha will not eat a Cool Ranch Dorito. No. They're French. They have discerning taste buds. Right. That's true. They're European. Milo would eat Funyuns. I mean, Milo eats anything. Blaze is the same way. The only thing Blaze won't eat is bananas. But Josh, let me tell you what's been happening at my house. What? Sweet little Blaze is gaining weight. Really? And he was already fat. Now he's morbidly obese. Does he run? Exercise? Yeah, we walk every day.

But here's the deal. He doesn't overeat his dog food. Like I put the dog food out in the morning. It might be there the next morning. He just doesn't. It's the people food and I'm the offender. Yeah. So what I've been doing, I have been going to restaurants and eating by myself because I know that if I bring it home, I'm going to share it with him because I can't look at his face. I do that and I've eaten in the car before. Yeah.

I can wolf this cheeseburger down in 10 seconds and then not have to fuck with this whole thing with the dog. I've done it. I've done it before when Jennifer's out of town. I'm like, because I'll forget to order for him. Right. And I'm just I'm like, I'm not giving up my portion of this. Mine is like, I can't make you lose weight when I'm feeding you half of my food. So the other night, this is how insane I am. The other night.

I went to Taco Bueno, which is the equivalent of Taco Bell. Okay. It's a Friday night, about 6 p.m. I had a deal at like 7, but I wasn't going to eat there. So I sit at Taco Bueno by myself on a Friday night. No, in the restaurant. Oh, you go in? I go in the restaurant. I'm eating, and there's this older guy in there also eating by myself. And you know what I'm thinking? Isn't that sad? He's in here on a Friday night. And I'm like...

I don't think there's anything sad about eating alone. No, I love eating by myself. I can watch all my shows. I can be on my phone. But when you're hiding from your dog, that's the problem.

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that you have about this. We've talked quite a bit on the podcast, or I have. You've been the subject of several of my hadits, okay? And I'm going to tell you what a couple of them were, since we know you didn't listen to those episodes because you weren't the guest star on them. And I'm going to allow you to respond so that our listener can weigh in. Okay. Number one was Christmas morning when you stole the center of my cinnamon roll. That's number one. Don't speak yet.

Number two is when you engage in what I would call superior bite shopping.

You hover over my plate of food at the island and maybe I have a plate of nachos and you see one chip in particular that has a really good distribution of cheese, of salsa, and of chicken. It's like the perfect bite. And I'm able to delay eating that bite because I want to save it for later. But you zero in on it like a heat-seeking missile and you're always shopping on my plate for

for the most superior bite on that plate. And when I look away to tend to my children or my dog children, or maybe look at my phone, that bite's gone. What do you have to say for yourself? Well, I first want to admit 100% on this cinnamon roll on Christmas Day. Like it was a complete fuck over. It's like, it was the juiciest, you know, the bite where the butter and the, the, you know, it's got more of the icing than anything. And it's the heart of it, like the crux of it, like the gist of it.

I saw that and I just really didn't have a good excuse. I was like, fuck it. I'm going to take that bite. I mean, it's going to be a source of contention, but it's a good fucking bite. So I'm taking it.

And I did. And she, and of course she looked at me like, what the fuck did you just do here? That was like the best bite ever. And I didn't really have an answer. I was like, God, I know I fucked up, man. I couldn't help it. So did you consciously think, like, did you act before you thought or you thought, gosh, I shouldn't take that bite, I'm going to take it anyway. I did. And then after the bite, I realized I had zero defenses. Yeah.

Like it dawned on me like you just jumped in there and saw this great bite. I thought you were finished. And I was like, bullshit. That was the old Josh that came out that initially wanted to tell a lie in defense of himself. That was the old Josh. I did. I resorted to the old tricks of lying. It's like, what do you mean? I didn't do that. But I 100% did it. Like it was a horrible decision. Do you feel remorse? Man, it was a good fucking bite.

Let's not. You've seen those bites before, right? I know exactly the bite you're talking about. And if someone says, are you willing to take an ashtuan for that bite? And I'd be like, I probably would. That's a great bite. But let me say this about the nacho plate. And this is part of the story that Jennifer's not telling. So sometimes I'll get a queso or I'll get something and she doesn't order it. And so she has some of mine.

And then I get into this thing where it's kind of a battle, you know, a little bit like I don't mind sharing the queso, but I mean, I at least want 66% of it maybe, or at least half if I'm the one that ordered it and you're kind of jumping on the bandwagon. Well, sometimes if she's played pickleball, she's pretty hungry and she eats it pretty quickly. Like, um,

And so it's, I'm trained to look at the plate and see an angle. And if there's something like, if there's a good nacho there that all the corners are covered with cheese, you know, that doesn't have just a sprinkle and that's it.

then I'm trained to want to go in and take that bite before you do it. Are you blaming me? Yeah, Josh, I got to come down on Jenny's side on that. Are you blaming me for you stealing the good bites off of my plate? You sick fuck. Let me give you an example. So I ordered a dessert. You sick four-eyed fuck. I ordered a dessert. Like I ordered dessert cake.

I'm all down with you having a bite, but when the cake they give you is like, you know, that long and you go in and you take like that much on a bite, you've done that before. And then you look up at me because you know, I'm staring at you eating the cake.

This is the Oreo crust banana pie, right? Yeah, 100%. Why don't you share with the listener what you did? I mean, it was the best dessert. They hardly ever have it. It's a special. I ordered it. I brought it home. She had specifically said she didn't want a dessert. Well, then she looks at the banana Oreo pie like any normal person would and be like, God, I'd love to have a fucking bite of the banana Oreo pie. So I say, okay, you can have a bite. Well, she goes in on one.

And she's going in on a second. And then I'm starting to get a little nervous. I'm like, you just wanted to buy, you know, you don't want to have to say this, but it's like, I only had one bite. This is a, you're already lying. No, but you would have easily, but you would have taken it. You only, you only got one little bite off of that tiny little bite. And you put it on a plate all by itself and gave to me after you had hidden

the pie in the refrigerator in the back under step that's the next thing I do is when I get a dessert and she doesn't order a dessert I'll immediately take it out and put it in the refrigerator behind water bottles because I know if I don't I'm going to have to get in the situation where she's going to want some of it and it's like I

I'm going to start ordering two or three like I did for the dog. See how this ordering food is just torture. Yeah, it's just up and up and up. Let me ask you this. In the history of our relationship, who steals food off of the other's plate more? I've done it more. And let me just say this. She's a better...

Like I'll have order envy of her order. Like we'll be at a new place and she'll get something and I'll get something. And then I'll look at mine and I'll be like, God, you ordered the right thing. I mean, people do that all the time. And she does it every single time we go to a new place. I would much rather have hers, uh,

The good news for me is that she doesn't eat a whole lot. So she'll eat like half of it and say, here, you can have it. And sometimes- Let me tell you what happens. And that middle cinnamon roll. Let me tell you all what happens. Let me tell you exactly what happens. We go to a new restaurant or we go to a restaurant.

I order something that is simply on the menu. I don't make modifications. I don't say 86 this. I don't say add that. I'm just like, I'll take the risotto. And they say, great choice, ma'am. Josh is over there like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic of the menu and

And then he gets this clusterfuck that he's made, which has just exacerbated the wait staff. And I'm sure it's gone back to the kitchen and they're kind of floored by it. Because oftentimes the waiter comes back out and says, hey, I presented your order to the kitchen. And they think, blah, blah, blah. And he's like, just do it like this. He's throwing his arms up like with the receipt going crazy. So then the food comes out and I order something that we know that they can prepare because it's on the menu. Right. Right.

So here's what happens. He takes a couple bites of his and it is a tomahawk chopper over my plate. And he monitors every bite that I take. And you can't even enjoy eating because I'll go and take a bite. He looks at me as if that was probably a good bite. I had all the good parts on it. And here's the deal. Our children also experience this. They fall prey to

to being victimized by their father's superior by shopping as well. It is a constant in the family, his food issues, his ordering issues, his eating issues. Most importantly, the thievery, the thievery. No, it's really, it's a, it's a huge problem. And then he like, we go to the sushi restaurant all the time now and here's his big thing. Here's his big push now. Um,

We go in and we order the food. Right after he orders, they come right when they bring the drinks. Okay. So the waitress walks up. He's like, we're ready to order everything. So we order the stuff. He special orders the fuck out of it. And then they bring the drinks and they've turned in the food order. And after they bring the drinks, Josh goes, we'll go ahead and take the check. Okay.

It is a race against time. And they are so puzzled because we don't have the food yet. And the waitress is looking at him like, what? And he's like, I'll go ahead and pay for it now because we've got to get out of here immediately. And I'm just like, oh, my God. We were in France once, in Paris. The guy brings the food, sets it down, this French waiter. And Josh, right when the food was set down, he goes, we'll go ahead and take the check. And he goes, no. No.

turned around and walked off. And I was like, good for him. Yeah, they wouldn't do it. I love that. They wouldn't. But you know the downtime? Yeah. Because when they give you your food, then they're going on fucking vacation for about 20 or 30 minutes. It's like, okay, these people are taken care of. Then you can't get the check to get out of there. I have huge admiration for you because I have never thought that

about asking for the check when they put down the drinks that it's fucking genius yeah because genius because if they drop the ball then you got another whack at them when the food comes right right yeah so you're gonna start doing either way and if they slow play it then when the food comes you can say look we asked you about that check before still not here

Still waiting on that check. Yeah, what's the deal? See, I don't have any trouble marching over. Like if I see the server and I've asked for the check a couple times, I will just march over, tap them on the shoulder and say, I'm so sorry. We were hoping to get our check. And we have been victimized too many times by...

Waitresses or waiters That desert the table after they deliver the food Yeah Here's the deal I'm going to put a stop to this right here And I'm going to defend waiters and waitresses for a second Because

What you're dealing with, with this man and this woman that just said they are victimized or complete psychopaths, because these people are in recovery from addiction. So when you don't have the alcohol that, you know, belabors a dinner, recovering addicts want to dine and then get the fuck out immediately. And so the waiter is doing the right thing by letting the male breathe. That's right. And by not bothering them. And so it's,

This is a particular case of complete psychopathic Karens. Here's the deal. You do it too all the time. She's a dine and dasher. You're a dine and dasher. It's just me and Josh and you're sitting over here and I'm the perfect customer. I do not get up from the table and go hunt down a waitress. No, but you always, when they come over, you're like, we're ready to order the whole thing. Okay, we're ready. And you'll move the plate. I mean, you, I move it along, but I move it.

along like a normal fucking person. I'm not up flagging people down. You reap the rewards of my psycho behavior. Riding the coattail. I'm a Karen coattail rider. There's no question about it, but what I wanted to inject here because all three of us have worked in restaurants before we were professionals.

And I want to defend the people that do that because it's difficult enough to

dealing with the general public. And then when you throw in psychopaths like us, it's incredibly, I would probably say traumatizing workday for them. I don't think it would be as traumatizing as working on a Sunday with all the people fresh from church. Because when I worked on Sundays, those motherfuckers do not tip at all. The worst tippers. The bigger the Christian, the worse the tip. Yeah, I agree with that. All right. Well, Josh, thank you so much for joining us on

We always appreciate you. I think it is incredibly sweet how far you've come with your love of canines.

And actually packing a lunch for your co-worker, Milo, is really sweet. I still think you're a dick for eating my cinnamon roll piece. And the smug nature in which you owned it today will be problematic for you later this evening and over the course of the weekend. Oh, no.

But we'll get past it as we have the five rehabs and various other. She couldn't make it all up, so Josh. Various other things that have happened in our life. Listener, listen up.

Stay tuned right now for our bonus show on Patreon. And we also launched a brand new podcast on Patreon called Girl, Please. I still want the five-star reviews. Pumps, tell them about the merch and tell them when we'll see them. We have a new merch shop. It is I'veHadIt.store. I did it. Wow. And really super cute merch. And join us on the Hot Shit Tour. Send us your...

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