I Don't Dilly & I Refuse to Dally with Ross Mathews
01:04:17 Share

There are some football feelings you can only get with BetMGM Sportsbook. That's right. Not just the highs, the ohs, or the no, no, no's. It's the feeling that comes with being taken care of every down of the football season. The feeling that comes with getting MGM rewards benefits or earning bonus bets. So, whether you're drawing up a same-game parlay in your playbook or betting the over on your favorite team. Hey!

The BetMGM app is the best place to bet on football. You only get that feeling at BetMGM. The sportsbook born in Vegas, now live across the DMV. BetMGM and GameSense remind you to play responsibly. See BetMGM.com for terms. 21 plus only, DC only, subject to eligibility requirements. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER.

This episode of I've Had It is brought to you by the new L'Oreal Paris Bright Reveal Dark Spot Serum and Broad Spectrum SPF 50 Daily Lotion. Dark spots, game over. So are we supposed to start the podcast? One, two, three. Oh, that was horrible. One, two, three. I broke my hand. Okay, one, two, three.

I saw somebody on, I think it was YouTube or maybe Twitter, was like, I was always a listener and never a watcher. And this listener, before she saw it, thought that you were doing the sign thing.

you know, like the action sign and that you kept botching that. And that's what you were doing over and over. And then it was this aha moment when she watched it on YouTube and saw that you were failing to clap well. You know, that's funny because if anybody could fuck up just closing the little box, it would be me. Yes. That is so funny. But it kind of tells me she thinks I'm proficient at it, that I did it more often than not.

Yeah. So I'm going to, I'm going to go ahead and turn that into a compliment. Yes. What have you had it with? What I've had it with is appointment reminders by phone. Just text me. Yes. I don't need 47 phone calls when I think, oh my gosh, my doctor's calling. It must be to reschedule or something's, you know, messed up. So you break away from whatever you're doing. And then it turns out they're just reminding your appointment. And I'm like,

Okay, text me. It's easier. It's more efficient. I prefer it. I love an appointment reminder.

But only by text. What I think is especially maddening about that is that doctors are never on time. Never on time, which I have told you I've had it with that. I've had it with the 15 minutes. I've had it having to sign in what time you arrived because if you're 15 minutes late, they'll reschedule you. But you'll sit your fat ass in the waiting room for 20 minutes before they even check you in. So you're looking at an hour sometimes. It's ridiculous. Yes.

Yeah, my son's doctor will call, email, text,

and text all of the appointments and it's nonstop. And when I see it's the, your kid's doctor, you're on alert because you're like, Oh hell, what's going on? And then it's like some, and it's, you know, a robot call plus the text. And then they call again. And then sometimes they call like, it's a reminder to get a well check, which is a total racket. Well checks are total rackets for kids. In my opinion. The only reason I

think well checks are important is if you're like failure to thrive or something but a teenager doesn't need a well check they're fine unless they tell you they're not fine right your body lets you know right and they can verbalize it to you right your body lets you know if you're well or not well right and so I think it's a lot of parading people I think there's a little bit of racket going on with pediatricians you think it's a little grandstanding no I think it's a grift

Absolutely no grandstanding about it. It's like, look, they're paying their insurance minimum. I'm going to milk this power mom culture. I'm going to get these kids in here a couple times a year. I'm billing, you know, full, I mean, all sorts of shit on it. And it's a total grift. Yeah.

So much more enlightened about grifts these days as we get older. Yeah. Yeah. You can see it more. Let me tell you what I've had it with. Okay. And these are old grievances that I look back on and I retroactively have had it with these things. Oh, good. So do you remember in the 80s that we used to have rabbit foot keychains? Oh my gosh, how gross is that?

I had one. Did you have one? Of course I had one. What kind of savage barbarians were we walking around as latchkey kids with a rabbit foot, a real rabbit foot, and it was dyed like powder blue or hot pink. Purple. Purple. And then you had your key. And for those really younger kids, a latchkey kid is what all of us were in the 80s. We rode the bus to school. Our parents were at work. Right.

We came home. We let ourselves in. And that was it. You were on your own. Until your parents got home from work. With your rabbit foot. With your rabbit foot. Yeah, I remember my rabbit foot. It was like, I thought, here she is. She is hot stuff with this rabbit foot. I thought that rabbit foot keychain. And listener, these were real...

rabbit feet with like nails and it was a rabbit's foot and I now think about it and I just die I think about a cute fluffy bunny rabbit and

that were murdered for all of us with our awful hair, blue eyeshadow, parading around with our rabbit foot keychains. Do you have a rabbit fur coat? Of course I had a rabbit fur coat. I had a rabbit fur coat too. Was yours long or short? Short. Mine was short too. Yeah, I had a short little rabbit fur coat. We were so fucked up in the 80s. Oh my gosh. When I think about the blue mascara, we would drive when we were in high school, we would drive from Oklahoma City to Dallas.

to go to this one mall to get electric blue mascara. And I mean, we thought if we're not the coolest, best looking people on planet earth, I don't know who is.

And then we had the hair, hair wall, the bangs that were eight feet tall. Why didn't anybody say anything? Why didn't they say, you look stupid? You look like an idiot. I mean, it is the worst decade hair has ever been through. 100%. The 1980s. And I remember like somebody would find some hairspray that would hold it even stronger. We live in Oklahoma City and it's really windy here. Yeah. I mean, in the Great Plains, it's a lot of wind. Yeah.

We had hairspray that was so tough that you could walk outside with the bangs and like rat it out on the sides. All of this wretched, permed, frizzed, ratty, awful hair. You could walk out in the wind and it wouldn't blow. No. At all. Or it would move all in one motion. Like the hood would blow. Do you remember, you might be too young for this, but when I was in middle school, bi-levels were the deal.

So you cut your hair above your ears on the side, and then it was long in the back. It was just really a modification of the mullet. Here's something else we did that was stupid in the 80s to where if like we had this podcast in the 80s. I was an offender at the time, but we had these necklaces, and it was a heart. Yes.

when put together and one friend had one yeah and the other friend had the other and it was each a half of the heart and it said best friends and so when you got together you could like awkwardly get together and match the hearts and you wore best friend necklaces talk about a grift oh my gosh yes but I wore mine so proudly and even my best friend and I had a song

Oh, what, Wilson Phillips? No, it was Cindy Lauper, Time After Time. I loved Cindy Lauper. Loved her. Yeah. That's great. What about Boy George? Oh, my God. I loved Boy George. I even got to have a pic. I had a poster of Boy George, actually, too, on my bedroom wall in middle school. Let me ask you this. Did you know he was gay? You know, I don't even think I even thought about it.

I mean, I don't think I knew what that really was. Yeah. But I mean, looking back, obviously was because he was fantastic. Right, right. But he was like, it was in the 80s and it was...

You know, he'd wear makeup. Right. Long hair. Yeah. Rather effeminate. Of course, my mother absolutely loved him. I remember some macho kind of blowback from him. And she was like, I don't know why everybody's upset about boy George. I think he's really pretty. Oh, I thought he was so pretty. I even tried to do my eye makeup like him. Yeah. Which was subtle. Yeah. Yeah.

To go with my stand-up pair. Yeah, the 80s. Kylie, did you ever have any sort of rabbit foot keychain? I had a rabbit foot keychain and I had one of those heart best friend necklaces. So it was still in the 2000s?

Yeah, 2000 probably. Wow, I can't believe they made it that long. Are they still making rabbit foot keychains? Surely not. All of that came back when I was in middle school, junior high, because I was really mad at my mom for not keeping all those acid wash jeans and all of that. Right, fashion kind of cycles. But I don't think the rabbit foot today would come back. Do you? That's got to be a PETA thing. It's got to be a PETA thing. Rabbit foot, man, that was so bad. All right, well, listener,

Welcome to I've Had It. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. She's the pretty one. I'm the smart one. Kylie, what's going on on social media? I have someone who begs to differ with either of you being the pretty one. Oh, let's hear it. Just M. Steele commented on Instagram and said, the sad bitterness is making your faces brittle. More whining about anything wholesome and it might just break off. Yeah.

What did we whine about that was wholesome? Oh, all sorts of shit. Yeah. I can't even remember. I mean, basically, I could just sit here and tell you I've had it with the word wholesome. Yeah.

Yeah. What does that mean? I mean, like, come on. Yeah. You know, I mean, that's just, you know, these people just identify themselves as a thin skinned offender. Right. And we're babies. We're offenders of all the shit we do, but we're thick skinned. Right. We can laugh at ourselves, but the thin skinned offenders come crawling out and it is fantastic. Actually. And those are great reads. And I think you ought to tell Michael, like my,

my face isn't going to fall off until they quit making Botox. Oh, yeah. That's one thing people always rag us on. Holy Botox. These women. Yeah.

Holy Botox. And I'm like, yeah, we do have, we do get Botox. We do. I'm going today. She's going today, listener. I mean, I'm doubling down. We go get Botox like people go change their oil. Right. Yeah. It's just a part of the maintenance. Yes. Yes. Okay. Today we have a guest. I'm super excited about this guest. He is the co-host of the Drew Barrymore Show. Yes.

He is a judge on RuPaul's Drag Race, which, I mean, we have got to be judges on that show. Wouldn't that be the best? I don't think they'll ever pick us. And he is touring the United States of America with his hit tour, Ross Matthews' I Got You Girl. So let's welcome to I've Had It, Ross Matthews. There are some football feelings you can only get with BetMGM Sportsbook. That's right. Not just the highs. Woo! The ohs. Ah!

Or the no, no, no's. No! It's the feeling that comes with being taken care of every down of the football season. The feeling that comes with getting MGM rewards benefits or earning bonus bets. So, whether you're drawing up a same-game parlay in your playbook or betting the over on your favorite team. Hey!

The BetMGM app is the best place to bet on football. You only get that feeling at BetMGM. The sportsbook born in Vegas, now live across the DMV. BetMGM and GameSense remind you to play responsibly. See BetMGM.com for terms. 21 plus only, DC only, subject to eligibility requirements. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, listener, Pumps and I have not always been this rock solid emotionally and psychologically. We used to be quite train wrecks.

But thanks to therapy, we have both been able to dig deep, deal with anxiety, stress, regrets, poor decision making, and our friends at BetterHelp have made this so much easier because of their flexibility. Sometimes after I leave a BetterHelp appointment, I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule.

Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapist anytime for no additional charge. Make your brain your friend with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash had it today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash had it.

I'm going to say that last one again. That's betterhelp.com. Pumps, did you know that an estimated 5%,

5 billion plastic hand soap and cleaning bottles are thrown away each year. Oh my gosh, that is a staggering number. It's all this single-use stuff that we're buying, using, and then throwing it away. And it's like 90% of those cleaning products are water, so it's super expensive to ship and it leaves a major carbon footprint.

So what do you do? Well, I've recently discovered Blueland and they are on a mission to eliminate single-use plastic by reinventing cleansing essentials to be better for you and for the planet. Their idea is so simple. They offer endlessly refillable cleaning products with a beautiful cohesive design that looks great on your counter.

You just fill up bottles with water, drop in the tablets and wait for them to dissolve. You'll never even have to grab bulky cleaning supplies on your grocery run and refills start at just $2.25. Blueland has a special offer for our listeners. Right now, get 15% off your first order by going to blueland.com slash had it. You won't want to miss this. Blueland.com slash had it for 15% off. That's blueland.com slash had it to get 15% off.

Pumps, fall is here and you know what that means. What does that mean? It's layering season. Oh, we love to layer. I love it when the weather gets crisp and we get to layer. And guess who makes the best layering pieces? I know who makes the best layering pieces. Bombas. Absolutely. And Bombas makes it easy with socks, tees, and underwear that feel good and do good because every item purchased gives essential clothing to someone who needs it. The

The Bombas Fall Collection is packed with nothing but the coziest materials like extra soft, extra long staple cotton, and merino wool that's so plush it feels like little pillows for your feet. They're so warm and toasty and Bombas are my favorite.

favorite socks by far. Didn't you say you wore them the other day to a football game and your feet were just toasty little floating pillows? Everyone else was freezing, but not me and my Bomba socks. Nope, not pumps in our Bombas. Listener, be like pumps and go to bombas.com slash had it and be sure to use code had it for 20% off your first purchase. That's B-O-M-B-A-S.com slash had it and make sure you use the code had it.

What comes to mind when you picture the perfect roommate? One who comes when you call? One who doesn't forget to lock the door? One who doesn't steal your milk just a little bit at a time, hoping you won't notice? At Apartments.com, we understand that when it comes to roommates, a pet can be your best bet. They're easygoing, eat what you serve them, and they never clog the toilet. That's why we have the most pet-friendly rental listings on the internet. And

And with instant alerts, you'll know the moment your perfect pet-friendly place becomes available. So when you need a place that's pet-friendly and human-tolerant, check out Apartments.com, the place to find your pet-friendly place.

Well, hello, Ross. Welcome to our show. We just intro'd you and the one job that we're jealous of. Yes. I mean, all are great, but the RuPaul, the judge on the RuPaul's Drag Race. Oh my God. I mean, that has got to be number one, so fun. And number two, like we both kind of want to be judges on something. Yeah.

Okay. Let me tell you something. It is the most fun because I just get to sit on a panel next to, you know, Carson, Michelle Rue and TS Madison. And we just try to make each other laugh. And we have the best seat in the house for like the future of drag year after year after year, we get to see these contestants, the cream of the crop and like,

I'm watching it thinking like, oh my God, this is going to be what everybody is talking about in a few months when this airs. And it really is a total honor. It's one of those legacy shows, you know, when it's all over, when I have kicked the bucket, they'll put it on my little thing that I was part of this show. I love that. Well, Ross, we like to talk about, I mean, we're proud of all of your accomplishments, but we know that in order to be

Such an accomplished man that there are things along the way that must have irritated you and things in your daily life that must irritate you. And this is the dump truck, this podcast right here to get this stuff off of our chest and help each other power through the world.

So tell us what you've had it with. You know what? It's so funny when I, because I, of course I know of your show. And when they, when there was like, do you want to go on? I was like, well, have I really had it with anything? So I sat down and I actually asked my husband, I'm like, what have I had it with? And I wanted to make a list. And I had so many things. I thought I wouldn't come up with one.

I had so many things. Just for example, can I just say I've had it with passwords? Yes. Yes. Just to do this. I hadn't used my laptop in forever because we haven't been in the city because, you know, Drew Barrymore has been on hiatus. So we haven't been in the city. I open up my laptop and it asks for the password to this laptop, which can't be the same as every other password, they say. So like I couldn't get into it. And then in order to have them to send it to me, I had to know my Apple password.

We're not supposed to have the same password for everything. There's supposed to be an asterisk or an exclamation point and everything. How am I supposed to remember? There's got to be. It has my fingerprint. It reads my face. Right. Still asking me for a password. I've had it. I cannot agree more. I mean, I have had the same password my entire life.

until I got scammed. And then I had to change all my passwords. So now I've two in my 53 years on earth, I've had two passwords. So the other day, I'm trying to get into this new fitness app that my studio changed to. And

And I can't get in it. And it keeps saying, well, this isn't the right password combination. And I'm like, there's only two fucking choices. And I've tried them both. Like, what can it be? So I had to go and have the owner of the studio set me up on the deal because I don't know my passwords. Drives me crazy. And I'm with you. Why can't we just do our face or our thumb? Everybody else does it.

I consented to have you read my face. My devices can read my face. Right. And you're still asking me for a colon slash slash exclamation point. Right. And it, but it's scary because then you think about you got scammed. That is my worst nightmare. Like if somebody like cracked into my IG and posted something terrible, you know, worst nightmare, but it's up there. Yeah. It's, it's really bad. My email was recently hacked and it's,

really, really troubling when that happens. But it's very violating when somebody gets into your personal digital space. And you kind of take for granted, like, we you have, you know, privacy in the restroom, you might have privacy, you know, when you're changing clothes in your closet, and you don't think about your privacy online and communication with your friends and family, but when it is taken or and or hacked into, it's jarring. But I will tell you, despite this,

The password thing drives me bananas. And here's one thing that really gets in my crawl is when you're opening up a new account for something and it gives you a recommended password that is like asterisk star minus plus J capital Z. And it goes on. Yes. And I'm like...

No, thank you. I don't. How am I supposed to have this as a password? Right. I can't even. Well, I think it's your phone is supposed to remember it for you. But then God forbid, you know, you're stuck somewhere and you have like I go to the worst case scenario. OK, I visit a visiting Amish country. Right. But I need to get in and there's no signal. And so I have to go to the one public library and use their like Dell computer and log in. How am I going to know?

How to get in. I don't know. You know what I do, though, is I live my life very clean. So if anyone did hack in my phone or something, all you would find is pictures of my chihuahua.

Right here. And there's no nudes. There's nothing in my phone. So don't bother. If you're listening to this and you were thinking about hacking, just move on. I'm not interested in it. We're boring. I think that's a good philosophy to live by and I do too, like keeping your side of the street clean to where it's like you're not living in secrets because I think if you have a lot of secrets, then you tend to be kind of sick mentally and psychologically. Oh.

Totally right. You're like, no, I totally get that. I know people who live in like their version of the truth.

and have all these like secret hiding things and these secret lives and people they're texting. And you know what I'm saying? If you're living like that, aren't you tired? Yes. That's what I think. Where do you have the energy to do all this? Like when people have like second families or they're cheating on their wife with several different mistresses. I'm like, where did you find the energy to do all that? Yeah, I don't judge you if that's what you're doing. You know, do your thing, but I don't know how you do it. Right, right.

Yeah, it would be exhausting. Okay. So one other thing when in our correspondence prior to getting you in here that you've had it with are black toilets. Yeah. And I stand proudly with this. Okay. I have said this when I had a podcast, I talked about this all the time. Black toilets. I don't like them because no matter how bright the room is, I don't know if there's anything in there. Yeah.

And I'm not just talking, someone's done a tinkle or a tutu or whatever. I'm just saying there could be a snake in there. There could be a rat and there could be a hand in there. I have to, I, if I, if that's my one resort, I will take the flashlight out of my phone and just look at like, what is in there?

And I'm talking, if there's overhead lighting on, you can't see. I just don't trust them. It's too much work for me. If it's cute for your aesthetic, do you? But I will never. And every time I walk into a restaurant restroom and they have one, I go, ugh. So I'm an interior designer in my other job. And so-

I have used a black toilet twice in 25 years. And here's why I did it. Why would you do it? I'll tell you why. Because when you sent this to me, I was like, do I ever use black toilets? For the most part, it's a no. I think toilets, sheets, towels, toilet paper, all of those things should be white. You shouldn't do pink sheets. You shouldn't do black sheets. I think all of that stuff should be white. And the same with toilets. But I did this super moody bathroom, powder bathroom for our friend Brian.

And it had like black marble mosaic tile on the floor, blackish wallpaper. It was all moody and black. And so I had no choice but to go with the black toilet. Yeah. Because if that would, if it was a white toilet, it would have looked like a big white head. Yeah.

It's fair. And as you say this, I have a friend who's a very, very fancy designer. And in his powder room, it is very dark and moody. And it's a black toilet. And I think about it every time. I think, well, maybe you're wrong, Ross. It's just a preference. But I just don't trust him. And it makes me have to do a whole routine before I...

Before I, you know. Yeah. Well, I don't want to say what I do in a toilet, but we all can figure it out. The thought of like a snake coming. I don't know why there was like an apartment building in New York when I was a kid or maybe middle school age that they had a snake, somebody's snake escaped and it came up through the toilet plumbing. And ever since then, I've been traumatized about toilets. And I think that the snake, the dark, the dark toilet just reaffirms that.

You know, I don't know if you read about like the rats in New York. They're just insane right now. And people, we're good right now. But people tweet stories or TikTok stories about rats coming up their toilet. What? Can you even imagine? No. I cannot. Can you even? So every time I leave the apartment, of course, lid down just in case. You have to. In case. And every time I walk in, I'm like, oh, God, please no. Yeah. That is my worst nightmare. Remember before I said that?

This is my worst nightmare, rat in toilet. Yeah, I think I'm just going to start as a part of my presentation. I'm going to say there are some concerns if we go black toilet. Number one, what can come out and bite your ass? There are a lot of options. We've got rats. We've got snakes. Pops has been worried for 75 years about some snake in New York City that came up and bit somebody's ass. Yeah. And it prevents her all the time from taking a shit in peace. So...

I do think about that. It's the worst. Can you imagine? No. Can you even imagine? I don't know what's worse.

Is it worse to have done your business and then look down and realize it's been there the whole time or to have it actually bite you and not know what's going on? I think the surprise is worse. If it came up and you were sitting down and something just bit your ass, that would be the worst. You guys, I've never worried about this in my entire life. And now I want to say to the two of you, I cannot believe you've done this to me because now every time I go,

poo in a toilet, I'm going to be thinking about Ross Matthews and snakes and rats biting asses. You ruined the thing. You ruined this for me. Where you sort of spread and look just every once in a while. A little peekaboo. A peekaboo through the machine. We call it a peekapoo. Okay.

Well, Ross, I noticed something else on your email correspondence with us. And this is going to go into a pretty big storyline here. But it was that you used to fly Delta because they had Fresca. Yeah. I focus on the important things. Absolutely.

I chose Delta because I love Fresca. It is refreshing. It's zero calorie soda and it mixes beautifully with vodka. Right. Right. And so that I would people say like, well, you know, there's an American flight that gets you there sooner. I'm like, Delta. Yeah.

And then during COVID, they just, you know, a lot of bad things happened during COVID, right? And one of the bad things that happened is that they got rid of the Fresca on Delta. And so I just want everyone to know now I'm flying American because they have brought back their version of Sprite Zero. It's like Sierra Mist Zero or something. Close enough.

Close enough. I just don't like it when people change things. You know, I have now all these Delta points I'm not using because of the Fresca. Well, in merging your black toilet and, you know, safe potty syndrome that you have with a black toilet with Delta Airlines, I would be remiss if I didn't combine these two habits into one and discuss what happened on a Delta flight recently with

from Atlanta to Barcelona. Somebody as they take off, they're about three or four hours into the flight. Somebody has explosive diarrhea in economy all the way down. Why do you have to say in economy? Why do you have to shout them out like that? Just being so petty. Just being petty and salty. And so all the way down the aisle.

And then to the bathroom. And then, of course, there's just piles of diarrhea down the hallway on Delta. And so these people are, you know, they're thinking about being in Barcelona, you know, on the Ramblas and they're going to eat tapas. And then all of a sudden it's Nagasaki, Hiroshima down the aisle. They have to turn that bird around.

Go back to Atlanta. Clean it. They had to rip the carpet out of it. The diarrhea was that toxic. It could not be sucked and cleaned out. They had to recarpet the plane before the passengers got back on. Now, listen, I have been on some pretty shitty flights. Yeah.

I've never taken flight number two out of Atlanta. That is, you remember my old worst nightmare? Yeah. I just got a new one.

I just can't. I want to correct one thing. You said there were piles of diarrhea. Yes. I think it was streams of diarrhea. Streams. You're right. It was streams. Pumps and I looked it up online yesterday, and a passenger took video, and there were hot spots. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Down. You actually sought it out just so you could see it? We absolutely did. How did he or she not run to the bathroom? I mean, why wasn't there more urgency on that person's part to be in the toilet? I'd rather have them sit in the toilet the whole time than up and down the aisles.

I understand things happen, but let's just keep it contained. You know what I mean? Yes. Why did this human have to just do? He basically did like a parade up and down the aisle. He did. It's a shit parade. He sure did. Yeah.

He sure did. He sure did. That's rough. But Pops has issues with controlling her bowel movements at times. And so I have actually been in my master bathroom of my house, and we live in a neighborhood where it's safe and your door can be unlocked. And so she'll just, I'm in my bathroom minding my own business. Perhaps I'm tweezing my eyebrows, let's say. And then all of a sudden, somebody just flashes by me.

And it's my friend and she's screaming and talking really rapid as fast as she can. And then she plops down on the toilet right in front of me and bombs go off. But at least I'm in a hurry. I'm urgent about it. See, that's what I would have been racing. You need a new defense. Okay. It's going to get worse. Share with Ross about the highway incident. Oh my gosh. Tell him what you did.

So one time I was on the highway and I didn't have anywhere to get off. There was no pulling over and getting off. So I had a big like styrofoam cup that I had water in. And I haven't been here. And I like pooped in the cup on the highway. And

And the worst part about the whole story is that then I couldn't find any place to throw it away. Oh, no. So I'm driving around with a cup full of shit for like 10, 15 minutes before I'm able to get off and throw it away. No, it was bad. It was horrible. I'm proud of you for not littering. I really am.

On behalf of Mother Nature. I am. Okay. How was it a big gulp? I mean, how many ounces are we talking? Great question. I'm a big intake of water and tea person. So it was like a big 40 ounce. And how? No, I was going to ask how full. Let's go ahead and ask. I'll ask on your behalf. I mean, it was because I would never ask that. No.

No, it was, I mean, it was not half empty. I mean, it was over half full for sure. And so let me just, let's go through. So you're, did you wipe? Did you? Yeah, I had baby. I always have baby wipes in my console. Okay. So you're on the shoulder of the highway. Yes.

And did you crawl to the back seat? Did you stay in the front seat? I just stayed right there in the driver's seat. I just let her rip. Did you get up on your knees and turn around and face the back of the car? No. Like I'm trying to think how you position. I think I'd have to get on my knees and, you know what I mean? Yeah, that would have been smarter. That was smart. No, I just kind of lifted up on and lifted, stood on my arm.

Kind of. With one hand, one arm lifted up. One arm lifted and one cap underneath. But I did not get one spot anywhere but the cap. That you know of. No, I went home and did the whole clean out because I'd been driving with a cup of shit in my car for 20 minutes. So I had to do a complete detail. So did you roll the windows? Yeah, I put the lid back on it. Lid on, windows down. Yes. 20 miles or 20 minutes. Yeah, it was bad. I mean, it was bad. I think the moral of the story is the power of styrofoam. Yeah.

Yeah, I wouldn't have that today. I'd be fucked to death today. Let me ask you this. As you're in this position, are your hazards on in the shoulder? I think it was so emergent that I don't think I had the hazards on. And then as cars are coming by, are you worried about anything? No, I'm just like so panic stricken at that point that I have no thought for anyone else on the planet Earth. So she calls me after this happens and I'm like, hello. And she's like,

you're not gonna believe what I just did. And I'm like, what? And she's like, I just pulled over on the shoulder of a highway and took a shit in a styrofoam cup. And I'm like, actually, I believe it. And I'm not surprised because you've ambushed my tool at multiple times. I have two things to bring up. One, I want to talk about your fiber intake. And two, I want to make sure you have my number because I'd like to be on that call. Yeah.

Hopefully it won't happen next time. That's the hope. It's going to happen. Our very first meeting, how we became friends over 20 years ago, she hired me to be her decorator. And in our first meeting, she's like, we have to go look at tile and whatnot. She's like, I'll just drive. I'll pick you up. We're 10 minutes into the meeting. We're heading to a tile store. And all of a sudden she just starts like clenching the steering wheel and she's kind of popping up out of her seat like this. And she's driving her car and she goes,

Oh good. There's a Firestone, like the tire shop. And I go, why are we going to Firestone? She's like, I've got to go in and take a shit. And she just wheels in. Oh my God. That's what we have to call it from now on. When you have a turn that's really going to come out, it's a Firestone. Yeah.

And I was about eight months pregnant at the time. I mean, I was big. Yeah. She goes in and then she comes out like four minutes later. I was impressed with the efficiency and just the lack of embarrassment. Just, it was just so, it was stated as a matter of fact, like I need to, I need to pull over and get gas. And that's when you knew. Yeah. That's when I knew that we were soulmates. I appreciate that so much. All my friends and I talk like that. You know, you think you have, when you're,

real people, you keep it real. You know what I mean? And we all talk like that. And I'm proud of you that you can just kick it at a firestone and let go because I know a lot of people who would just in an insane amount of pain, hold it till they were home. And I don't like that. I don't approve. Sometimes I just don't have a choice. It's either running down the aisle of an international flight, crapping my pants down the aisle, or just go into a firestone or find a cab.

Yeah, I don't think those little cups on the plane would have been enough. What do you think that flyer? I've been Googling. I know this is really fucked up of me, but I've been Googling to find out like who the person is. And I don't want them to be shamed because I feel badly for them. That would be horrible. But I would if I were in that position, I would have gotten to the bathroom and I just would have locked myself in and said, I'm not leaving the bathroom.

Oh, yeah. And this is so this is why I think we would all get along is because I think if I ran all the networks, all the television networks, like the biggest news story and they all compete for the interview and sit down with Diane Sawyer. Yes. Right. This would be the interview I'd be competing to get.

Yes. I want this. I want you to get it. I would watch. This is the interview I want. This is the news our country needs. Thank you. Can you imagine if it was a very like you imagine if you and you two and I were competing to get the interview? Yes. With the Delta shitter. And we just like, you know, whatever we could do. Yes. The terms we would negotiate. Yes. You guys would probably win. And then you sit down and you have what would be the first question you would ask?

I think I would say, were you sick? I mean, what is happening that this, was it food poisoning? Was it some kind of bacterial infection? Were you? I would start off with, what were you wearing? I would start off with, what were you wearing?

Beautiful. Beautiful, beautiful questions. Because I need a description of what this person was wearing because you've seen the evidence online, the images that you saw. I'm concerned and somewhat confused that underwear and undergarments didn't mitigate the large puddles that you see. What if they did? Yeah. See, and then that's what we need to know. And then once you're – obviously your clothes are ruined. And then I would just say let's just start from the top. Okay.

And walk me through what you were wearing, when it happened, why there's a delay. And then once you get back there, did you have a set of clothes to change into? Did you have to reemerge? How did the fellow passengers look at you? How did you look back at them? Flight attendants can be really sassy and bossy. And I kind of envy that because it's one profession you have where you can kind of tell the customer, straighten up.

And so was the flight attendant nice? You know, who cleaned it? Apparently they used this vanilla disinfectant and then the whole plane just smelled like vanilla shit. I would argue they need to get rid of that vanilla disinfectant. Let's go mint. Citrus would be nice. Yes. Right. Just a bleach. Right.

I would also, I would want to know a simple question right from the get-go. What'd you eat? Because that's going to dictate the top notes. That's right.

That's exactly right. In terms of the, you know, just what we're smelling. And then also as you were running up the aisle and it was squirting out of your clothes and you could see everyone looking at you, like what, what were you thinking and or saying? Cause if I were me and I was doing it, I'd be running up the, down the aisle and I'd be like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. What?

What do you say when you're squirting? I don't know. I think you're right. I mean, what are you thinking? What are you saying? The only person I know that could get us close to answering this is Pumps, who pulled over on the side of the highway and raw-dogged it into a giant styrofoam cup and then drove for 20 miles with it. So you're the closest psychological case that we could tap into. If this happened to you, Pumps...

What would you do? I would run so fast your head would spin off. I mean, I really I know it's bad karma to say it couldn't happen to me. But I really feel like when I felt like it was happening, I would have camped out by the bathroom. What if it slipped out? Walk us through it slips out. And then you it's all over your clothes and you're back in this, you know, one whole bathroom. I just sit in the bathroom. I just camp out in the bathroom. I just do not leave the bathroom for the rest of the flight.

No, no. But on the flights, there's rules. You know, if you're taking off and you have a grumbled tummy there, you cannot run to the restroom, you know, until they you're allowed to. And so I have a little sympathy. It's not like this person was in a restaurant and they couldn't get to a bathroom in time. There are there are rules, regulations. There are air marshals. Can you imagine the air marshal stops? He's like, I'm just going to shit on you.

Yeah, because if you're flying down the back of a, to the back of the aircraft, the air marshal is going to notice you for sure. Right. Yeah, I don't know. It's, it's just a bad deal. I just felt, I kept thinking like, what is that poor person thinking as the plane is turning around because of them? I mean, you've got to know that they just felt terrible about it. Speaking of restaurants and shits, I have a great story for you guys. So our friend Brian owns a bunch of like taco restaurants in Oklahoma City and some other types of restaurants. Yeah.

So he sent me, and this is several years ago, some alarming footage because they have cameras inside, some alarming footage of one of his workers who's closing down and he's sweeping the aisle. And all of a sudden he hits something with his broom. And then you see him on the video, pick up the broom, smell, and then kind of jolt back and

And it's like a little brown something on this tile floor. And he realizes that it is a turd. A turd. It's a piece of shit in line at the taco store. So they go back because the video's there. So they go back and watch to figure out

Who dropped this bomb in the taco line? So they go back. There's this woman and she walks through and you see her enter the camera screen and she walks in. She has a long flowing skirt and you see her walk through and the floor is completely clean and that she passes through and then she passes. There it is. She did not miss a beat.

She walked through effortlessly. If you did not, if you weren't looking at the floor, it just looks like really a graceful. Yeah. It's like when Cinderella lost her slipper. This is shit-erella. I was so, I had to watch the footage. I have it somewhere on my phone. I'll show you. I had to watch it over and over because I'm like,

She just, I mean, she just did it with reckless abandon. She didn't care. There was no rush. There was no worry. There was no squeezing. There was no awkward jolting. She just walked and shat like nobody's business. It was really quite impressive, if not so disgusting. Yeah, that's interesting. I mean, that is the opposite case here because this was the first

plane was, you know, crazy diarrhea. And this person is eating enough fiber because that's like a clean sleeper. It didn't get on the skirt. It was it was it was a it was a solid it was a solid log. I'm impressed. Must be on Metamucil. Pumps, I think it's time for you to just go ahead and take another victory lap because of all of these world class bowel movements you've been having ever since you've started taking Just Thrive probiotics.

Poops on a regular basis have never felt so good. I finally feel like a normal person and I don't have near as much bloating as I used to. I know you call me to brag about it all the time and I don't find this annoying because I am so happy for you. But also, I don't find it annoying because I myself am taking the Just Thrive Psychobiotic.

which has made me a more tolerable and kinder, gentler spirit towards all of your bragging about your bowel movements. Listener, if you're ready to take control of constipation, bloat, and stress and live your healthiest life yet, you can get 20% off your first 90-day bottle of Just Calm and Just Thrive probiotic today. Visit justthrivehealth.com and be sure to use the promo code HATIT.

Pumps, being a woman comes with all of these magnificent bells and whistles. First, we start off with PMS, these, you know, erratic mood swings come on like that. And then we go through perimenopause and women as old and wise as you are in full blown menopause.

And it's so hard to figure out how to navigate how on earth as women do we level these hormones. Thanks to our friends at Happy Mammoth, we now have the product Hormone Harmony. I love this product. It has been a game changer for me in terms of night sweats, moods, hot flashes, and I have lots more energy.

This product is for every woman and a bottle is sold every 24 seconds. They have over 1.2 million purchases worldwide. Listener, you can get your first bottle of Hormone Harmony for 15% off if you use the code HADIT on the checkout page. Go to HappyMammoth.com and enter promo code HADIT on the checkout page. Valid until November 30th. Pumps.

I value hygiene. I value proper hygiene. I think it's very important to keep yourself clean, smelling fresh. And after a workout, it's sometimes impossible if you have to go to an appointment right after. Thankfully, we both discovered Lume. I absolutely love my Lume wipes. I use them every single day after workout. Makes my life so much easier. I love their whole body deodorant.

All of these products were created by an OBGYN who saw firsthand how normal BO was being misdiagnosed and mistreated. This product has been clinically proven to block odor all day and control odor for up to 72 days.

hours. As a special offer for our listeners, new customers get $5 off a Lume Starter Pack with code HADDIT at LumeDeodorant.com. That equates to over 40% off your starter pack when you visit LumeDeodorant.com and be sure to use the code HADDIT.

pumps at the end of the summer. I felt like my closet was just overflowing with a lot of bad purchases. So I did a huge purge and I'm like, I need to have really good staple pieces. I need to have pieces that I can wear from season to season, but I didn't want to break the bank. Thankfully, I found quints. Quints creates timeless classics that never go out of style. You'll have them in your closet forever, which makes putting together that

outfit way easier. Here's the kicker. Quince has all the capsule wardrobe must-haves like 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters starting at just $50. Quince items are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands.

Take the drama out of planning an outfit and upgrade your closet with Quince today. Go to quince.com slash had it for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's q u i n c e.com slash had it and get free shipping and 365 day returns at quince.com slash had it.

Pumps, after we started the podcast, a lot of listeners were like, you guys need merch. And I'm like, that sounds like a great idea. But how on earth, when you have an idea...

Do you come up with a solution to put it on the worldwide web and keep track of everything without a company like Shopify? We would never have been able to do merch without Shopify. It's so overwhelming. Shopify makes this so easy for you. Shopify is the commerce platform revolutionizing millions of businesses worldwide.

Whether you're a garage entrepreneur or IPO ready, Shopify is the only tool you need to start, run, and grow your business without the struggle. What we love about Shopify is it puts us in control of every single sales channel. Once you've reached your audience, Shopify has the internet's best converting checkout to help you turn them from browsers to buyers. Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash had it all lowercase. Go to shopify.com.

dot com slash had it to take your business to the next level today at shopify.com slash had it. Okay, Ross, I have something I'm just dying to ask you because we get so much hate comment all the time. You're universally beloved. Like every show you're on, you're the favorite. Every person that meets you says you're so great. Do you get hate comments and trolls?

I do. Yeah. They don't really bug. I've been doing this now. You know, I remember I started on the tonight show with Jay Leno back in 2001. So it's been like a long time. And I don't know. I just like, it doesn't truly, it really doesn't affect me. There were times when I want to write something back and I kind of used to, and my, my point was like, so they knew I was human. You know what I mean? I remember when it first happened, I, I asked them for their phone number and I called them and worked it out. Yeah.

This is a true story. And so then, like, my husband said to me, he said, what are you doing? Like, when you respond to them, like, you're giving them your light or your platform or your attention and just raises their...

whatever up to you, which not that I'm on a different level, but it's like, it brings too much attention to it. So I just completely ignore it. And, you know, there have been times when it gets to, does it get to you all? Oh God, no. No, we think it's funny. We read, we do dramatic readings of them and die laughing. Yes. Oh, good. That's good. See, that's what you kind of have to do is you have to laugh about it. You can't get wrapped up by thinking your self-worth, your self-worth has to be your friends, your family, your, what a pageant answer, right? I feel like I'm running for Mississippi.

you know, New York, but I really, I really mean it because it is a weird thing. I mean, I guess people who are not famous get it now a little bit because you post a picture of you with you and your kid and your aunt Helen may be like, why are they not in a seatbelt or something? You know, everybody's got an opinion about something no matter what you post now. So you kind of get it.

But it is sometimes weird not to take it personally. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes it's hard. We don't. I think we're at the age where, I mean, we've had real problems, like real life major problems. And so if the biggest problem I have that day is that we, you know, people are like, you ladies are old and you get too much Botox. I'm like, true on both counts. Thank you for noticing. Yeah.

Okay, Ross, we want to play a game with you called Had It or Hit It. And so you tell us, I'm going to list something. If you like it, you'll hit it. And if you don't, you will have had it. Oh my God. Welcome to Had It or Hit It. I would hit it. Had it.

I hit it every day, sometimes twice a day. Okay. Had it or hit it, slow walkers. Oh, no, I had it. And I am a fast walker. My friends joke that they have to jog next to me because I just, I don't dilly and I refuse to dally. I get lazy all the time. I'm always early.

And in New York, I mean, you have to like dodge and like there are lots of tourists here, you know, so I I let you take your time, but I will go around you and I'll be back. You know, I'm like on the freeway. I drive very sensibly, but on the road walking on the sidewalk, I'm a zigzagger. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a fast walker. I'm too. OK. How do you had it or hit it? Pineapple on pizza.

Oh yeah, no, I'll hit it. And I know that's controversial, but I like to take it off and eat it before I eat the pizza. And then when I eat the pizza, there's just an essence of pineapple on it. I agree. I do the same thing. I like it. I don't order it, but if it's served, I eat it with pleasure and I'm not outraged by it. Yeah. Same. I would never, I would never order it. Only a crazy person would do that. And of course. Okay. Had it or hit it body hair.

I think I had it. I think, and just because if you really want to go there, like if it exists, yeah, if it exists, great, fine. But it's about a, it's about a mouth thing. Like, you know, like I flossed this morning. I don't need to again, you know what I'm saying?

Okay. Had it or hit it, urinals. Oh, no. Hit it. You don't understand unless, well, I don't know that you do, but there is something very powerful about using a urinal as a man. And at some restaurants, they do this thing where they put ice in the bottom of the urinal. I don't know why, but it is so empowering when you stand there and pee on ice that like melt in front of you. Yeah.

And you have to, you have to try it. You haven't lived. And you just are like, yes, look what I'm doing. Melting ice. I didn't know about this. I didn't either. Yeah. I don't know why they do it. I don't know what the benefit is, but it's very enjoyable. Yeah.

I taught both my boys to pee in the toilet with Cheerios in the toilet. Like, hit that. Hit the Cheerios. So I think having a goal, like going in and melting the ice, I think I could get behind that. Yeah. Yeah. And men like a goal and men like accomplishment. And we're very simple. It's like, I need to see that what I'm doing is working. And when they put ice in the door, you're like, I'm peeing there. And look, it's melting. And I did me that. Yes. It's very...

So it's just how we work. I think I have urinal envy because I think it's fantastic that you can go into a restroom, pee. You don't really have to touch anything and then you can go wash your hands and then just exit the women's restroom. I mean, it's a minefield in there. There's just, there's a lot of people that don't prepare it for the next guest. Yeah.

And it's just, it's a minefield. So I have urinal envy. Well, yes, but I have bathroom envy with women, people that I know. My girlfriends go in there and be like, oh, I met the nicest lady in the stall next to me. And I'm like, you're conversing? We don't converse. Yeah, I've never conversed in a stall.

Well, I think there was like a pass under or a tampon or something. And then there was a conversation. And we just don't. No, there's a bond. Like I was recently in a restroom and I was like, there's no toilet paper in here. Is there any for you? And she's, I got you, girl. And she passed it under. And we washed our hands next to each other. And it was cute. Yeah, it was total camaraderie. Pumps, don't you have a couple of had it or hit it's for Ross? I know you recently just got married. So I was wondering, had it or hit it bridezilla's?

Oh, well, luckily we had no brides or bridezillas at my wedding. But listen, I have had it with groomzillas, bridezillas. I think you should be particular. And if you really want something for your day, great. But like if your person shows up and you get and your family shows up and the people that are important to show everything else that happens, that's imperfect, quote unquote, you know, like is not important. So like focus on what's really important, I think, on your wedding day, which is, you

The love and the family and the people. Again, please vote for me for Miss New York. I mean, I hear myself. I mean it, but I'm annoyed. Totally. It's like Pollyanna. Sorry. I think that's sweet. It's very sweet. Had it or hid it.

like pageants for little bitty kids. No, I've had that. I think there should be talent like competitions, you know, because I but I don't like beauty pageants, especially for children. Grown adults can do that if they want to. God bless. But but I will tell you this, like preparing for like

theater as a kid or debate as a kid, like preparing for things, being scared, doing it, and then getting that instant reward was the number one teacher in my life in terms of work ethic and everything. So I think like, you know, competition is good for kids, but beauty competition for kids is no bueno. I totally agree. But I'll tell you one of my biggest regrets in life is

is that I didn't put my dogs in pageants. I have these great looking French bulldogs. I mean, this one particular, my son, Tubby, he would have totally won Westminster. There's no doubt about it. He has a dynamite smile. He can trot. He sits. He cocks his head perfectly. And it's just a regret. When I see the Westminster dog pageant, I think, what a missed opportunity that I didn't put Tubby and Cha-Cha in that contest. He doesn't have the temperament. Oh, he absolutely does.

He's a dick. He just doesn't like you. He doesn't like anyone. That's... But you. Okay, we digress. Sorry. He would have won. He would have won. You're a damn fool not to put him in, but there should be like an older dog competition. You know what I mean? Like a second... It's a silver dog. Something like that. Where it's like...

I just think it'd be cute. I'd watch that. Old dogs compete. Yeah, I think we should have more dog pageants because I really want to be like a crazy dog pageant mom. Like I really – sometimes when you see people being crazy about stuff, I'm like, God, they're fucking crazy. But then a part of me, I think –

Wouldn't it be fun to be that unhinged about something, to not have to have your shit together all the time and just lose it over something? And I think that would be so fun to just be a complete dog mom nut. Just go all in. I love what you say that because I watch people like protesting things or, you know, being very passionate about things. You see people getting so mad on TikTok and things. And I think, well, good for them. At least they care about something. There's not one damn thing that would get me off.

and out and like angry and like, you know what I mean? Like it's nothing, not a single thing would make me passionate enough to do that. Oh, I love that. For me, it would be dog competition. I could really, for pumps, it's just, she needs to take a shit on the highway. Yeah, we all have something, I guess. Mine is black toilets. I mean, I've been very brave leading the fight. Yes, totally, totally. Well, Ross Matthews, we cannot thank you enough for joining us. Do you feel better?

Yeah, I do. I really because I've been wanting to do this for so long, you know, and I was really excited when you asked me and I just I think you both are so great. And I it was even better than I thought. I mean, how was it for you? How do you feel? Love you. I could sit here and talk to you all day. Yeah, hilarious. And I love it. You can just say you're a sweet, sweet person.

Yes. Same. Can we do it again? Yeah, absolutely. We should absolutely do it again. Great. I'll be your, I'll, I'll be your bestie whenever you need me. Okay. Okay. Perfect. Thank you, Ross. Bye guys. He was amazing. He's hilarious. I love him. I could sit on his lap and just stroke his face. I love him. He's hilarious. Cause he's just talking to me. He throws in these just hysterical one-liners and then he just continues talking. You and I are over here losing it.

even breathe. I mean, I thought I was going to have a coughing attack. No, he is so much fun. Love, love, love. And I'm so envious of being a judge on RuPaul. I know. Wouldn't that be so much fun? How do we make that happen? I don't think we can. Yeah. They would never want us. No, especially me because I don't do fashion.

But I do love a drag queen. I know. I just think we could be great judges. I would love that. God, he's so good looking too, I thought. Very good looking. Great hair. And as the kids say, he was an absolute snack. I've never heard that. You've never heard that? No. So if they think somebody's cute, they're like, oh, she's a snack. Yeah.

She didn't know, Kylie. Have you heard, you're not a snack, you're the whole damn meal? Oh, yeah. Now, I have heard that. Yeah. Yeah. But I didn't know snack was like a good thing. Snack means you're hot. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. That tells you I've never been called snack. Oh, I think you have. I'm pretty sure you have. Those sagging dragons, I'm telling you, you'd sell yourself short pumps. That'd be two snacks. It is. It's a motorboat and snack.

All right, listeners, join us on Patreon. Send us a voice memo to Instagram. The Hot Shit Tour new cities are being announced each month. So see if we are coming to a city near you and pumps, tell them we will see you next Tuesday or Thursday or both. I'll tell you what I've had it with.

We just want to tell you about a quick podcast study. As you know by now, we all do our very best to align the right sponsors to the podcast. It's a lot of work behind the scenes, and we're incredibly grateful for your support. We're currently running a quick survey at podcaststudy.net, and we're giving the first 150 people a $10 digital Amazon gift card as an incentive to complete the survey.

The information we hear from you about our sponsors is incredibly important to the show, and we can't thank you enough for taking a few minutes to help us out. Upon completion of the survey, you'll be asked to include your email address, and we will send the first 150 people a $10 gift card from Amazon. Go to podcaststudy.net. That's podcaststudy.net. And thank you again for helping our show and our sponsors.