I Don’t Have Time to Pee with Hannah Berner
51:18 Share

ADT knows a lot can happen in a second. One second, you're happily single. And the next second, you catch a glimpse of someone and you don't want to be. Maybe one second, you have a business idea that seems like a pipe dream. And the next, you have an LLC and a dream come true. And when it comes to your home, one second, you feel safe. And the next, something goes wrong. But with ADT's 24-7 professional monitoring, you still feel safe. Because when every second counts, count on

So are we supposed to start the podcast? One, two, three. Oh, oh, it was so bad. That was terrible. One, two, three.

There you go. Good recovery. Good recovery. Just had to do it again. I know. I know. All right, pumps. What have you had it with? Jenny, what I've had it with, and this happened to me just yesterday, line cutters. Like they come in, which I can kind of be bad about going in thinking I can like skirt the system a little bit. Wait, you line cut? I have done it on occasion. Not like grossly, but I have done it.

But hold on. That's not my story. Okay. Okay. So I'm in there at the meat counter and this woman just comes in. There's a person in front of me and then there's me and then there's no one behind me. So this woman comes racing up to the meat counter and I'm like sitting there because it's taken a while and I'm thinking, okay,

Am I going to say something? Am I not going to say something? Am I going to, you know, I'm kind of going back and forth. And then the guy that owns the butcher shop, he like chunked her ass right back in line. So she got behind me, but I think she was really going to cut. So just the overall general cutter in line, I don't love, even though on occasion I do do it. Let's dive into these occasions in which you would cut. Tell me what kind of line this is and when you've executed this.

And I want to know the psychology behind it as well. Okay. So like if I'm at Walmart and there's a big line, this is when they had sackers, like when they had people that did your groceries, like a checker. Okay. So if there was a huge line, I'd insist on seeing the manager and I'd bring the manager over and then they always want to shut up the bitchy lady with the groceries. So they open up your own lane. So then I would cut because he would open up a lane. They always opened up a lane for

for me. So that was cutting technically. This is disturbing on several fronts. Why? Number one, Walmart. I'm not a big Walmart fan at all. And then you're asking to see the manager. Oh yeah. If there's like 10 people in front of me at line at Walmart, I will make the biggest scene on the planet to get out of there quicker because they always, oh, the manager just ends up taking you and doing your groceries.

What about if you're standing in line the other day, I'm standing in line and I think there is just a general space that we all know. It's like the Goldilocks distance. So you don't stand too close to the person in front of you, but you also don't stand too far. Right. And so I've had it with people that either stand too close to me.

Or if the person in front of me leaves like an eight foot lapse, I'm like, you got to close the gap. Close the gap. We got to get up. There's a Goldilocks spacing that people need to honor when you're standing in line. And sometimes you'll have somebody who's just right up. I mean, just right up in your craw. You can feel their breath on your back. Yes. Yes. The other day, the other day I was checking in to get my pickleball court.

And this motherfucker is about two inches away from me. And what I'm trying to do, I'm trying to be efficient in my time. I'm trying to check in, figure out what court I'm in while also stretching out my hamstrings. Right. So I'm trying to stretch and this guy's totally crowding my space. And I just finally turned around and looked at him.

And he looks back at me like, "What's your problem?" And I was like, "Can you step back just a few inches here? I'm trying to stretch out a little bit." - Maybe he was like, "Grab your ass."

I mean, I think post Me Too movement, you can't just run around grabbing ass at pickleball courts, Pumps. Maybe they know that you are the queen of the pickleball court. Therefore, he just wanted to touch greatness before he started. Maybe he was trying to get that stellar athleticism vibe. Right. He was trying to get close enough that you could like emit your pickleball prowess. Well, let me tell you what I've had it with. Okay. And I mean, I have fucking had it with this. And I'm going to give you two instances. Okay.

I have had it with parents that speak super loud to their children in public. And after having spoken super loud to their children, look around at their audience smiling. And let me give you an example. I'm at the manicure pedicure place. Woman brings in about a five or six year old little girl. And there's a little like a little mini chair. Right. Okay. For her.

So she starts screaming at the top of her lungs, Mackenzie, do you want all the works? Do you want the pink with the glitter? And then there's a pause and she looks around at everybody in the nail spa smiling like we're all going to say, what a fucking great mom you are. Because what I'm thinking is, lady, we're trying to teach this entire population how to use their inside voices.

And here you are speaking as though you have a megaphone, but bizarrely you don't, but that's how fucking loud you are. And then there's always this staring, like, look at how great of a parent I am because I am praising my child and telling everybody and showing everybody how loving I am to my child. Here's another instance. Josh and I,

I went to Norman and we went and sat on this patio, Norman, Oklahoma listener. And we went, sat on this patio in between our son's basketball games and everything's perfect. I mean, it's like a beautiful day. The weather's like 75. It's sunny. There's a few other tables. You can hear some ambient chit chat, but you couldn't make out what anybody's saying because everybody's using their inside voices. And then walks up little Brooklyn and her mom. Yeah.

And they're seated about four tables down. And it is, she's screaming at the top of her lungs. So Brooklyn, you can get the chicken nuggets. You want your nuggies? Do you want nuggies? Or we can get the grilled cheesy. Screaming at the top of her lungs. And I look at Josh and I'm like,

Why is she fucking yelling? And I turned to look and after each question she asks her child, she's looking at the audience so that everybody gives feedback that, oh, like we're going to smile back like your child's so cute and you're such a good mom. And again, I'm struck by the fact that she hasn't caught on that we're trying to teach an entire age group of people how to use their inside voices.

I just can't even imagine that. I mean, that is so terrible. It makes me feel sorry for McKenzie and Brooklyn. McKenzie and Brooklyn are so fucked. I mean, unbelievable. And then here's the grandstanding afterwards is what bothers me the most. And here's a fundamental problem I have too. The shit that you want to hear...

You don't hear. So yesterday, Josh and I were playing tennis and there's this mom. She pulls her kid over and she says it real under breath. You do that one more time and I'm going to bust your ass. So it's up to you how this is going to go down. That's the shit I want to hear.

Those moments where you're about to fucking lose it, that's the relatable shit. Right. Because I think, number one, you're teaching your child to be loud. You're teaching her how to showboat. You're teaching her how to grandstand. And for all I know, this child could hate your guts because you yourself don't know how to use your inside voice. The child could be offended as well. Brooklyn and Mackenzie, I mean, they could be complete hostages to this situation. Right.

But the mom is the food source, right? So they're fucked. They have to stay with her. I'm going to have to start looking for that because that is just wild. It's ubiquitous. It is ubiquitous. I mean, you see a little mom group and then you're going to see, and then they really start doing it for each other now that you're tuned in. What I want to hear again, I want to hear about, get your ass over here. You know, motherfucker, I'm going to beat your ass. They're just grinding their teeth. Yeah.

That's the shit I want to hear. Say that loudly. That's the relatable part. Because if you've had kids, there's times where you're just like, you do it one more time and I'm going to ruin your life. Make threats you know you'll never keep.

Well, welcome to I've Had It podcast, a podcast for adults and not kids, because what do we think kids are, Pumps? Vipers. Assholes. That's a toddler. Well, and kids too. Okay, try it again. Sorry. Okay, welcome to I've Had It podcast, a podcast where we believe kids are... Assholes. There we go. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. We call her Pumps. She is just, I mean, fucking star quality beyond. Yeah.

Hot shit. Princess Diana podcasting. I mean, she just, her star is emanating like nobody's business. It is not a falling star. It is a rising star. You're obnoxious. 100%. I am. That's just not even arguable. Kylie, what's going on in the world of social media? I actually want to read you a one-star review on Apple. Okay, great. Titled, Dried Up and Miserable. Oh.

JMW 1969 wrote, these two are absolute miserable cows. I mean, where's the lie? Where is the lie? I mean, I do think, I mean, I do think we deserve at least two stars.

I mean, one seemed a little extreme. Right. You'd think he didn't like us at all. JMW 1969. I mean, I believe, I mean, miserable, concede. Cows, concede. Dried up, spot on, fucking nailed it.

I take issue with the one star. We would at least get a two star for Richard and Kylie's work. Totally. I mean, two to three stars. I mean, it's mediocre at best. I don't think it's just total dog shit. But I think a two or three would be a little bit more appropriate. Miserable cows. Pumps, you know what I've had it with? What? Pigs.

pill vitamins, the worst. I mean, having to take all these horse pills, like 10 different kinds to get all the nutrients that you want. I am so over it. But thankfully, I have discovered Healthy Cell. It is a gel and I've been using Healthy Cell's joint and mobility gel. Tastes fantastic. I'm an athlete, so it totally helps my joints.

you know, with all of the pickleball athleticism that I display and healthy cells, proprietary gel delivers maximum nutrient absorption, 165% more than tablets. Wow. I know I'm telling you this stuff is fantastic. Go to healthycell.com slash had it and use promo code had it to get 20% off your first order. That's healthycell.com slash had it to get 20% off your first order with promo code hadit.

had it. Pumps, I worry about you out in the suburbs not having a security system. It worries me sick when an intruder threatens your home every second counts. And this is why I am gifting you SimpliSafe. What I like about SimpliSafe is it's a 24-7 live guard protection that's made possible only by SimpliSafe's new alarm wireless indoor camera. So if somebody breaks into your house and

They know and they start telling the person to leave. The new camera is also the only indoor security camera that can trigger the alarm and instantly deter intruders with a built-in siren. And with its advanced motion detection and vision, AI can sense the difference between potential intruders and that dog of yours.

Right now, I've Had It listeners can get a special 20% off any SimpliSafe system when you sign up for Fast Protect Monitoring. This huge offer is for a limited time, so visit simplisafe.com slash had it. That's simplisafe.com slash had it. There's no safe like SimpliSafe. There are some football feelings you can only get with BetMGM Sportsbook. That's right. Not just the highs. Woo! The ohs. Ah!

Or the no, no, no's. No! It's the feeling that comes with being taken care of every down of the football season. The feeling that comes with getting MGM rewards benefits or earning bonus bets. So, whether you're drawing up a same-game parlay in your playbook or betting the over on your favorite team. Hey!

The BetMGM app is the best place to bet on football. You only get that feeling at BetMGM. The sportsbook born in Vegas, now live across the DMV. BetMGM and GameSense remind you to play responsibly. See BetMGM.com for terms. 21 plus only, DC only, subject to eligibility requirements. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER.

Well, listen up, listener. We have a big day here in OKC. We have an in-studio guest. She is visiting Oklahoma City on her tour. She's a stand-up comedian and the host of the hit podcast, Giggly Squad and Burnin' in Hell. Let's welcome to I've Had It podcast, Hannah Berner. Okay, Hannah Berner, welcome to Oklahoma City. Thank you for having me. What a gorgeous place we're in.

I wasn't, I was expecting it actually. Oh, good. I was. Cause you two have taste, humor. Not to her. I'm the worst.

I'm the worst. So she takes all the credit on that. You're so fucking... Ooh, am I allowed to curse? Oh my God, it's required. Okay, good. You guys are so fucking funny and you really remind me of me and my best friend because we're kind of opposites and we just love making fun of each other. I think that's how you keep a friendship going. Right. Just calling each other out and...

is the most beautiful policy. If you can't troll your best friend, who can you troll? If my friend is like complimenting me, she's probably mad at me. Right. I'm getting nervous. If Jennifer, like she walked in the street, she's like, are you so pretty in your dress? And I'm thinking, okay, what? She's going to drop later. Are we in a fight? Did I piss her off? Are we in a fight?

No, if Paige compliments me, I get very uncomfortable. We make eye contact for too long. I'm like, don't look at me. But yeah, you guys have great energy and I'm so honored to be on. We are so happy to have you. Okay, so Hannah, I mean, just right out of the gates, what have you had it with? Oh my God. Well, I was like even taking notes earlier.

I'm it's funny we brought up Hint Water because you guys drink Hint Water and I love it has a nice little essence of peach or whatever flavor yes Hint Water you need to send us more money for that okay go ahead yeah that sponsored I am like

I am like a child where I don't like water. Just plain water. I think water is boring. I think it gives us nothing. I think it's plain. And all my problems stem from the fact that I refuse to drink water. Yeah. But then when I was younger, I was... My mom would tell my babysitter...

don't give her straight up apple juice because she'll be off the wall. You need to dilute it with some water. So I like putting water in things. I put it in soda. I put it in juice and people get mad at me for that. And I'm just so annoyed with people controlling the water that I consume and how I want to consume it. Be judged for your water. Yes. And then you're supposed to have like an emotional support water bottle nowadays. Have you heard of this? Oh, I think I have one. I'm abundantly aware of this.

And it is something that I have gone to war against, that I fundamentally oppose. Thank you. That bothers me to the core of my being that somebody cannot go one fucking hour without slurping out of a goddamn oversized cup, Hannah. I've had it. Are we pilgrims? Why are we walking around with these cups?

It's unbelievable. It's 2023. It's just completely uncivilized. And then if you don't have your water bottle, they're like, oh, I'm just busy like being healthy and drinking my water bottle. I'm like, yours has vodka in it. Shut up. Exactly. You cannot be drinking that much water. Exactly, Brenda. You're blackout at 1 p.m. Exactly. Exactly.

I know why they're never, I mean, they are clear for multiple reasons, but yet it's people's whole personalities now having their emotional support water bottles. Yeah. Yeah. Pumps, how do you feel about that? Well, I do carry my Stanley everywhere. Yeah.

Tell her what you put in it. I put tea in it with stevia. I love that question. Who do you love more, Stanley or your husband? I don't have a husband, so Stanley for sure. Even if I was still married to my ex-husband, it would still be Stanley. Stanley is your husband. Stanley is my husband. Yes. Yes.

I just snuggle up with Stanley at night. That's all I need to do. I've been calling you like, how are y'all and Stanley doing? Is Stanley okay? We went to New York last month and

I already like prepped pumps. I'm like, you can't just walk. We're going to be in subways. We're going to be schlepping on the road. I hit New York and I hit it big. You can't just have this cup that we have to babysit and manage and bring with us. Like that is not conducive to the New York lifestyle. She's like, okay, I won't make it a big deal. So she ultimately opts not to bring the cup. Didn't even bring it. So that I won't quote unquote, her words, not mine. I didn't bring it. So you won't browbeat me. So.

So she didn't bring it. And then there was a huge relapse, 48 hours. We end up at a target somewhere on the Lower East side, right? We go into the target. There's been a lot of relapses in target. I'll tell you that. She's like a fucking heat seeking missile. She goes to the beverage area and she finds the biggest container of refrigerated iced tea, sweet iced tea that you could imagine. And she's like,

I'm talking it's 75 ounces or something. That was big. Ridiculous. I mean, it's like a gallon of milk masquerading as iced tea, right? You can carry it. You need to do like a whole Pilates class. So then she has it on the subway and everywhere we go. So then we go and we meet our agents. It's taking up a seat on the subway. We go to ABC Kitchen, right? A respectable restaurant after this. She gets this fucking tea and puts it on the table at the ABC Kitchen. I was so thirsty.

I'm so thirsty, though. Do you think the sweet tea is making you more thirsty? Yes. And I just had blood work done by my doctor. And she said I was like borderline dehydrated of all the tea. So I'm really trying. Sweet tea. Because I wish they had more sweet tea. It's so good in New York City. We don't.

When I come down here, I'll get sweet tea. That is crack cocaine heroin. I could bash my head through a wall and not feel a thing. Yes. So I ordered one sweet tea last night and I was off the wall. So I was like, I love tea. So I was like, can I have one but not sweet?

They looked at me. Like you had a problem. Yeah, like I had seven heads. Right. And they were looking around like, is anyone going to say anything? And I was like, I'll put a little Splenda in it. I just can't do the whole, like whole entire box of sugar in it. And they were offended. Right. They were acting weird to me the whole rest of the night. They were like, are you enjoying your tea? Yeah.

You loser. So like if you don't order the sweet tea and if you just order tea, they bring it as sweet tea. Right. They would never do that in New York. You have to say, I want sugar. Do they even make sweet tea in New York? They'll be like Chick-fil-A. Right. That's it.

Which is hate chicken, as everybody knows. It's hate chicken. Hate chicken and hate tea over at Chick-fil-A. The Lord's chicken. All right. You know, my mother, my mother is like hardcore progressive. Very, very, very, very liberal. I'm very liberal as well. But my mother has like hills that she will die on.

And so one day my kids, like when they're really little and I'm going to go to her house and I go through Chick-fil-A and I get like chicken nuggets because it's easy. The chicken's good. Go to her house, go in, put the Chick-fil-A on the table. And my mother goes, Jennifer, I cannot believe you brought that hate chicken into my house. Was she always liberal? Always. Wow.

always liberal. And I was like, Mom, it's just good. She goes, Well, you know, Jennifer, they are horrible to the gays. And I'm like, I know, I know. I know. With as many gay friends as you have, I'm surprised you could even eat that. And she goes on and on and on. See, I'll get hungry and show up on a Sunday to Chick-fil-A and it's closed. And I'm like, Are you guys fucking kidding me? I'm trying to give you my money to support Chick- Hey, chicken. And I can't even

Like, what the fuck? So that is so, so funny about your mom. And she's from Oklahoma City. She's from Dallas, Texas originally. She lives in Oklahoma City now. But yeah, no, I had a really... So obviously you're in the buckle of the Bible belt. Yes. But I mean, I was raised by completely non-religious, liberal people. Wow. Yeah. Like, I mean, one of our favorite things to do is I call pumps every morning and...

And I go to at real Donald Trump on Truth Social and I do dramatic readings of his cap locks pose and pumps belly laughs like you would not believe. So cute. We do this at 6 a.m. She dies laughing. Here's the deal. I didn't know until the last year of his presidency that he wasn't an alcoholic. I just kept assuming that he was drunk texting all this stuff. I think he's on sweet tea. Yeah.

Who pays on Diet Coke? And Diet Coke people are not okay. No, no, they're not. They're not. Diet Coke people are not. Everything kind of falls back to this constantly consuming a beverage community. There's a lot of fucked up shit going on with that community. And they come at the people who are like eating a lot, but it's like drinking a lot, drinking all that sugar. That'll kill you as fast. Or fake sugar. Fake sugar is just as bad. Like Pumps drinks 250 ounces of...

of iced tea a day you think should be the most hydrated motherfucker in North America just got her blood work back dehydrated. So this is big iced tea and a marketing pyramid scheme. I think it's like chapstick. I think Carmex makes your...

Yes. That's what I think iced tea is for you. I agree. Yeah, it's a racket. I'm trying really hard. It is a fucking racket. But people are addicted to Diet Coke and no one talks about it because the word diet's in it. People put random words on things all the time. It doesn't mean it's good. Right. So yeah, looking out. My husband is one of those who is addicted to Diet Coke and recently he's like, I'm going to stop drinking it. And I'm like, how long have I been saying maybe? I know there's no sugars or calories, but then what the fuck is in that shit? Right.

Because there's things that are bad for you without sugar or calories. Meth. Yeah, exactly. Cocaine. Heroin. Yeah, exactly. And who knows what they, you know, a little bit of it. So anyway, I just don't drink anything. I'm dehydrated. I don't put anything in my body. I'll go this whole time. Because you know what? I don't have time to pee all day. I am busy. I'm a working woman. That's right. Traveling. Let me tell you what it's like traveling with Pops.

I feel like for as much as I drink, I'm not, maybe I go once an hour. That is fucking insane. Which is a lot. But I'm saying. What about a plane? Are you up and down the whole time? Yes. Yes.

Before you get on the plane, while you're on the plane, immediately upon getting off the plane. And then you get worried when's the next time. It starts getting in your head. When is she going to do it? Is it now? Is it later? It's a mental mind fuck. It's like the minute they put the fasten seatbelt sign like we're landing, that's immediately when I have to pee. Always. But I do think women have this powerful thing where we can pee at any time if our friends need us to. Oh,

Oh, yes. Absolutely. Go to the bathroom for sure. If you're like, honey, can you please pee with me? I will find that pee. Right. Okay. So you're married. Yes. And so you're how old? 31? 31. Okay. So we are particularly pumps at older than you. And when we were younger in the 80s and 90s, people were always...

When are you getting married? When are you having kids? And that was the normal expectation, especially here in the South. And I've noticed a lot of women your age are delaying marriage, not marrying at all, and definitely delaying kids. Yeah. And I've heard we have these callers that listeners that send us voice memos. And there's a lot of women your age are like, I am so I have had it with people asking me when I'm getting married. Yeah. When I'm having kids. Yeah.

And I'm 100% in support of these women that we focus so much on when are you going to get married and when are you going to have kids. And let's just face it, marriage is fucking hard. It is hard. If you want to take a crack at it, fucking go for it. Right. But if you want to sit on the sidelines, fucking sit it out. And then kids...

are even harder. I mean, that shit is the best thing that happened to you while at the same time being the worst thing that happened to you. I'm so happy you brought this up and you guys are such great people to talk about it with because there's so many mixed messages when it comes with the kids stuff. Right. And particularly on my algorithm of TikTok, there's two sides. There's the moms that are like, it's the greatest thing ever.

but it's the hardest thing ever. But it's incredible. But it'll ruin your life, but it'll make your life. And I'm like, I'm getting mixed messages. I don't know what I'm trying to say. All of that's true. All of it's true. And then you have the single women who are like, they are lying to you. They want you to be miserable with them. You don't have to go with that. And we're actually the free ones. And I'm sitting here...

And I don't have an opinion yet. Right. As in, I'm 31. I got married last year at 30. Okay. And I'm married to an older man, a zaddy. He's 47. Good for you. Thank you. I love it. He's so tired. He doesn't. Honestly, the maturity level, like that, Josh is six years older than me, but it would have been better for us. You need another 10 on that. Right. Yeah. Yeah. No, he's like the first guy I've been with that I really respect his opinion.

It's fun to film with like, I love the like young hot guy. Oh yeah. But then I would never, I would never like take it seriously or I'd never felt like there was an equal benefit. I'd be like, look, I've been your project manager. I'm your mom. I'm your sister. I'm, I'm like everything for you. Right. What have you brought to me? Right. People will straight up tell me like, just freeze your eggs. Right.

a married girl at 31 to freeze your eggs. That's unheard of in the past. Oh, no. But that's kind of the deal now. And then you can decide one way or the other. Well, my thing is I've been working my whole life to like get to this moment in my career. Right. And I'm 31 and I'm trying, I'm finally getting some momentum. Right. And I talked to another comedy friend who's a guy who's 31 who has like a similar career and

And I asked him, he has a girlfriend. I'm like, do you guys want kids? And he's like, never even thought about it. I'm like, yeah, because it wouldn't affect you the way it would affect my career. Exactly. And then some people will say, look at Ali Wong. She had a baby and it blew up. And then you'll say, but look at like Chelsea Handler, Nikki Glaser, Taylor Tomlinson. They don't have any kids. But I don't really know. And I don't have a lot of role models to show like it'll be okay. Well, I'll tell you, pumps and I are a lot of things for people. Role models, we are not. Right.

Don't put that pressure. That's pressure. I honestly, I think I had my first kid when I was 29 or 28 and the second one at 31. So in the South, that's like 82. Yeah, in the South it was late.

But honestly, if I think back on it, like if I would have had a baby at 40, I think I would have been – and I'm a good mom, but I think I would have been even better. But now I've got one child that goes to school at Syracuse in New York and one that will be a junior next year in high school. Wow.

And Josh and I are still relatively young. And so like, we are like big, we love to travel. And so now we're just like, bye, we're going to Wimbledon. We'll see you guys later. And we're out. But my big thing is as someone who I have anxiety, and I deal with depression, I'm a comic, like whatever I deal with mental illness, it makes me funny.

I think having a kid could give you that moment of like being out of your own problems to worry about something else that like today, I'm not going to be in my own head of my own stuff. I'm going to look at this beautiful kid. It does both. I hate this word. I can't even believe I'm about to say it, but it's a journey. And it is one that I think I just, I've noticed a lot of girls your age, there's a lot of pressure. But one thing I appreciate about your generation is

is how much pause everybody's having about it and how open and candid you are about saying, I see this side, I see this side, my career. I love that you're having that conversation because there is, in the South in particular, and then we just watched this documentary about the Duggars, the selfish breeding is out of control. I mean, these girls are getting married to either hide the fact that they pop their cherry or to pop their cherry, and then they just start popping out babies. I thought they were just doing anal. Why did we have to do that?

I think maybe anal got old because they had to go vaginal. Yeah.

Pumps, remember when we started the podcast and we were like, how on earth are we going to have merch and ship it to people all over the world? Yes, we were so lost. Thank God for Shopify. Shopify is the commerce platform revolutionizing millions of businesses worldwide, whether you're a garage entrepreneur or IPO ready. Shopify is the only tool that you need to start running, grow your business without the struggle. I'm telling you guys, Shopify has been a

Amazing for us to sell all of our I've Had It merch all over the world. I absolutely love Shopify. Sign up for the $1 a month trial period at shopify.com slash had it, all lowercase. Go to shopify.com lowercase had it to take your business to the next level today. Shopify.com slash had it.

This episode of I've had it is brought to you by just thrive. Okay, pumps, we are taking control of our health this year, especially yours. We've talked about constipations and spoons up your butt and post pregnancy poops over and over again. But guess what? We found a winner. There's a better way to get things moving and keep them moving all the time.

Just Thrive Probiotics. Just Thrive Probiotic is an award-winning spore-based formula that's clinically proven to banish bad bacteria and replenish the good.

And help you beat gas and bloat and finally conquer your dreaded constipation. Even when you're traveling or having a baby, binged on crappy foods, literally anything, Just Thrive has got you. This is a game changer for your digestive health, your immune system, your skin, even your mood. Your gut literally controls everything.

everything. And with zero gluten dairy or histamines just thrive probiotic is perfect for your whole family. You can open the capsules and sprinkle it into any food or drink, which I love or they have a delicious gummy probiotic.

We love their probiotic and mood support, Just Calm. It's the ultimate health duo to help us conquer the day-to-day. Listener, if you're ready to take control of constipation, bloat, and stress and live your healthiest life yet, you can get 20% off your first 90-day bottle of Just Calm and Just Thrive probiotic today. Visit justthrivehealth.com and use promo code HATIT. Take control today with Just Thrive.

All right, Hannah. So I did a deep Google on you and you and I share something that

you're really good at and I really suck at, which is tennis and listener and pumps. Hannah was a D1 tennis player. That is so cool. Oh my God. Thank you. That is fucking hard to do. Oh my God. Tennis is the hardest sport in the world for real. It is. The hardest thing I've ever tried in my life ever. But it's so beautiful. It's beautiful. My husband's a lifelong tennis player. Oh my God. He's a really good tennis player. I started about three years ago with tennis and

And it was so hard. And I was such a nut. I mean, like staying up at night watching videos on four hands. You're so cute. All this shit. So I had to switch to pickleball. Okay. Because it's easier. Yes. Better learning curve. More people can play it. But I still go back and play tennis then because the exercise is phenomenal. Yes. But my husband and I are major like tennis tourists.

I love that. I have a tennis channel on all day. I fucking love tennis. All day. It's beautiful. So to be a D1 tennis athlete, it's so hard. So I went and I found you playing on the internet. Oh my God. I didn't even know. Fucking ripping forehands. Fucking killing it. Yeah. I found it. Last night I did like a total psycho deep dive on you. It was really interesting. I'm so flattered. I do think that tennis, when I quit, I really thought that I was like a failure. Yeah.

And like you lose your whole identity because that's all I wanted to be. And it took me time to slowly realize like because I was like, why did I do that? Like for so long, if like I'm not going pro and I'm not I'm now like doing cold call sales like out of here. But I realized that all the stuff that made me a good tennis player made me good at what I do now. And for anyone who like had sometimes like.

The dream you think you want is not like what the universe has in store for you. Right. But everyone's always like, never quit, never quit. I literally had to quit to find the right thing for me because deep down actually wasn't that happy. Right. Well, and the thing about tennis is you played at such an elite level. Your next choice was...

Do I go be a pro? And then when you get to the pros to be a top 10 player, that's a whole nother level than a D1 tennis player. I do have to say like tennis and standup are very similar. I'm traveling every weekend. I'm alone by yourself. Yeah. So what I love about tennis is you could beat the boys.

Like I played on the boys high school team. I read a whole thing about this. I love beating up the boys. I really get off on it because it's not a physical sport. At the end of the day, if I'm training how I'm training and you're not, I'm going to beat your ass. I think it is, you know, female empowerment at its finest. Oh, I read that. So she played, she went to a high school in New York and there were

know there wasn't a girls tennis team so she played on the boys team and everyone was really mad so then and we ended up winning so then when I graduated they granted the school a girls team because of the drama change and my dad coached that team love that full circle moment trailblazer right there okay Hannah my best we're gonna play a game with you called had it or hit it you're

You tell us if you've had it with something or if you like it so much you'd hit it. Oh my God. Welcome to Had It or Hit It. I would hit it. Had it. I hit it every day, sometimes twice a day. Had It or Hit It, early risers. Oh, Had It. Had It. I'm with this older man. He just perks up at 7 a.m., running around, drinking coffee. I don't fully wake up until about 4 p.m. Ha ha!

This is early for me, this podcast. And it's one. So Pops and Kylie and I are on a group text for the podcast, obviously. And poor Kylie is a couple years younger than you. And every morning we wake up and do Wordle. And we send our Wordle results. The three of us do. And we send our Wordle results.

Mine and Pumps comes in between the hours of 5 a.m. to 5.20 a.m. Right. Kylie's trots out around, you know, 7.45 to 8.30. On the weekends, we're not getting her Wordle results until like 10.30. But she has, we have made her an early riser because her Wordle now comes in a lot quicker than it used to. We're changing lives and I've had it. We are. This is the thing though, like people, I will complain to my husband. I'm like, I'm so busy. I have so much stuff. He goes, because you wake up at noon. Yeah.

You only have four hours of the day. Of course you feel overworked. But I don't love this whole like, you gotta hustle and be up at 5 a.m. to be successful. Do I want to? Yes. But I also love my sleep. Like if I don't get nine hours...

The day's a wrap. Oh, we get eight to nine hours. We're going to bed at nine o'clock. That's my problem. I'm doing stand up. So I'm like a bartender. How late are you out doing that? Well, like even like these shows, I have like a 730 and a 1030. I get home at 12 and you're buzzed. Right. So it takes like two hours for me to actually fall asleep. Right. So yeah. And I also with tennis, I had to wake up at like 6am.

every day. So I have this little rebellious side that's like, I'm not going to because I don't have to. I don't play tennis anymore but fuck off Coco Gauff. Me having beef with Coco. Who I love. We love. Okay. Had it or hit it. Coffee art. Had it.

i've had it i've had it yeah i've had it it's like we don't just give me my fucking drink i hate when you go and i'm like can i have a vanilla latte and they're like no but we do have a hibiscus i'm like where's the vanilla they're like we have a pea milk i'm like i don't know what that is and that's made up and why is it 24 why don't you skip the art and give it to me for two bucks right

The argument is nothing for me. Also, I feel like it's so beautiful that like I don't want to drink it. Yeah. Yeah, I'm over it. I'm over it. I'm tired of seeing it on Instagram. I just I can't take it anymore. Yeah, it's like cum on top of your... I don't need it. We'll never drink coffee again. The foam? Okay. Yeah. All right. Had it or hit it? Novak Djokovic. You know what? God, he's so fucking controversial. But...

I say I say hit it because I love greatness. And I think for anyone to be at the top of the game and to keep it up like the second I'd be the one seed, I'd be like, this isn't fun for me. Like I always wanted to be the underdog. Right. So I just love seeing people create history. So I have to appreciate him. You're a much bigger person than I am. I've had it. I've had it with Novak.

Most recently I'm butthurt because he passed Rafa. I know. And now he has 23 grand slams tied with Serena. Roger has 20. Rafa has 22. I'm butthurt over that. Yes. He's going to be the goat. Look at that goat conversations over. I'm butthurt over that. I still think Roger is the goat though. Roger is. I love Roger. Side note, you have to have Renee Stubbs.

on the podcast she's my new best friend i want her on and i also want johnny mack on oh my god because he's had it with everything oh yeah he's done he is fucking he's the crankiest motherfucker on the planet the thing with me with the whole had it stuff is like i've created i've had it with everything and i've created a life where i don't have to have a boss i don't have co-workers i

So I was thinking like, what annoys me? And I'm like, I've literally avoided everyone. I sleep all day. So I'm like, I'm kind of living this like peaceful life that I've created for myself. This is my husband's post rehab life. He goes, I just want to remove everything from my life, even friends and people so that I have zero issues. And all I can do is just live a very limited, very small life. And I'm going to be controversial again.

I have had it with reality TV. Oh, wait, that's coming up. I knew it was. Had it or hid it, reality TV. I have had it. I mean, I love Bravo. I've always loved Bravo. And I was fortunate to do a Bravo show. I saw too much. I learned too much. I know how the sausage is made.

It's so sad. But I cannot watch reality TV. I can't even watch Love is Blind. I can't watch... I can barely watch Vanderpump. I got myself to watch The Reunion a little and then I got triggered and I had to turn it off. I have too much empathy now for them monetizing people's pain. And I know...

My thing is just the more pain people are in, the better the ratings are. The more people that are hurt, the better the ratings are. And it always tends to be women. And then it's so black and white. I'm not talking about Vanderpump particularly with this, but in general, they really make people like, this person is a literal villain and this person's an angel based off of what they're choosing to show you. And I don't think over... I think we're going to have a time when we look back and some people are going to speak out and be like,

Holy shit. Because if you think about everyone's getting their day right. But no one gives a fuck about reality TV stars. They abuse the shit out of them. Right. And go but you have 100,000 Instagram followers. Right. Shut the fuck up.

Well, shut up. You're selling skinny tea. Shut the fuck up. Don't you think that like now there's this whole like there's a parallel, I think, between what you see that's going on politically in comment sections. OK, like I'm talking about the Trumpers versus, you know, the liberals. And then you go over to a housewife's Instagram page and how fucking crazy the comment sections and they're literally fighting over Trump.

a woman that is on a show called Housewives in 2023, where we're glamorizing that. And also, this is going to sound incredibly sanctimonious because we were on a Bravo show too. I think sometimes the Housewives shows as a person who stands firmly for women's rights.

I think they perpetuate the stereotype of women being histrionic, not conflict resolution oriented, that fight and are toxic. Crazy. I don't know how much they help us. Is it entertaining? Is it fun to hate watch? Is it fun to love to hate people? Yes, I get that. I'm not trying to be that sanctimonious. Yeah.

I think there's just a parallel because when I look at these, I'm like, God, people are wound up about Kyle Richards. Like, who cares? Yeah. But they're literally duking it out over there. And I do think there's some people who are really great at reality TV and they're meant to do it. Right. Because they have the right type of mental illness for it. Yeah.

Like they can truly detach. They like snaking people. They like the hate a little. They like to hurt people. They like to play mind games. Right. I wasn't political. I was like a Labrador retriever. I was like, who wants to laugh? That was really fucking mean.

Like I was just a little raw right some people like to play a character in their own life And if you can get that detachment of your this character on the show then they can survive I think yeah because you have to detach and you also can't read the comments when we get hate comments about our show We're so fucked up. We die laughing right we think I think they're hilarious funny I mean, it's hilarious that somebody cares that much about me and pumps and

To come write a hate comment. I mean, it's really hysterical. It is also your maturity. I mean, the nicest way. If you were insecure 17-year-olds with a podcast, it could ruin you. No, I mean, you touch on something that is rarely touched on. Pumps and I are rock solid mature. So why are you laughing at my cum joke? We were dealing with highbrow humor. Okay, I want to do one more had it or hit it. Quick shots.

What is a quick shot? A quick shot, Hannah, is a man that shoots a little too quick. Okay. Hit it every damn time. What? I'm busy. I have two podcasts. I'm busy. I'm on the road. I'm touring. My thing is, as long as I'm coming...

It doesn't matter. Like I have a rule. I come first. Right. I think that's pretty smart though. A quick shot after you've already. Yes, after. Because also it feels better for both of us if I'm already, you know, buzzed up. Right. Also not to get too graphic, but also if he's taking too long to come,

He doesn't have a job. He's poor. He has nothing going on in his life. You don't even have an email you're worried about. I don't trust it. I agree. I think landing the plane early and efficient sex is not talked about enough. And have you ever felt bad about yourself?

after he came fast. Never. Not one time. I feel like I have the gorilla grip pussy of the century. 24 karat gold pussy. Diamond encrusted. And I'm like, and he's embarrassed. And I love when men are embarrassed. That makes me so happy. So I'm just like, I am so sorry you couldn't control yourself. Even though my bush is out to here. I'm like, I know you saw me and you just couldn't hold it in. Exactly. I will take my compliment every fucking day. If he takes too long, I'm like...

Are we getting a divorce? Exactly. Are you cheating on me? It takes too long. He's having an affair. I agree. I love that. And that's a fact. That's what we, I mean, I'm not, I think a quick shot needs to be promoted more. I think that landing the plane, being an efficient sexual partner is a lot better. The Viagra culture is promoting three to four hour erections. That is, nobody wants, nobody wants that. I'll be a homicidal. Yeah.

Yes. I mean, like, no fun. Also, like, if every time you have sex, it has to be this whole shebang. No, that's horrible too. In a marriage, I think it's so healthy to be like, you know, we're busy. Right. We haven't done it in a while. Let's do a real quick. And it really does enhance, you know, look at me talking like I'm Dr. Ruth or something. Yeah.

I think it's better than nothing. I'd rather that than have to reserve on my Google calendar invite for a four hour event. Soap opera, all my children. She used to call me her ex husband. She'd say, Oh my god, he wanted to have sex. And it was full blown like French kissing soap opera. I'm like,

dates of our lives and then she would say let's just do it from behind because she know that it would end it quicker yeah no kissing and so then afterwards afterwards he thought he was I mean silverback gorillas like oh baby you just really love it from behind don't you she's like she's texting motherfucker I just wanted it over doggy because you literally could start going to talk it was like one minute no kissing okay I love

No kissing. But I do have to say from the beginning you asking about like love and marriage they say the happiest people are women who are single with no family or in a happy relationship and the unhappiest people are people who are stuck in bad relations. I believe that. So get the fuck out of

Get out of dreams you don't want, people you don't need, friendships you don't want. If you've had it, get out. I agree. Love it. I agree. Hannah Burnham. So fun. Look at me coming up with a conclusion. I would talk to you. Speaking of landing the plane, you must be a professional because ding, ding, it is now time to leave our listeners.

Thank you for having me. Thank you so much for coming. It's been so fun. And listener, you can send in a voice memo to our Instagram at I've had it podcast and we will see you when we see him next Tuesday. Tell us where your podcast. Oh, yeah. If you love this pod, you will love Giggly Squad. I highly recommend listening to Giggly Squad. And I have a mental health comedy pod called Burning in Hell. And then go to hennaburn.com slash shows to see me on tour. She is awesome. Awesome. So much fun. All right. Thanks. I'll tell you what I've had it with.

Hi, new friends. I'm Jackie Schimmel, philanthropist, motivational speaker, glowing wife, animal rights activist, and a shoulder to cry on. Not really. I'm a crazy bitch, but a hoot and a half. If you haven't listened to my podcast, The Bitch Bible, brace yourself, pour yourself a stiff drink, and get ready to laugh your ass off or cry. Make sure you subscribe yourself to The Bitch Bible podcast right now. You're going to effing love it.

There are some football feelings you can only get with BetMGM Sportsbook. That's right. Not just the highs, the ohs, or the no, no, no's. It's the feeling that comes with being taken care of every down of the football season. The feeling that comes with getting MGM rewards benefits or earning bonus bets. So, whether you're drawing up a same-game parlay in your playbook or betting the over on your favorite team. Hey!

The BetMGM app is the best place to bet on football. You only get that feeling at BetMGM. The sportsbook born in Vegas, now live across the DMV. BetMGM and GameSense remind you to play responsibly. See BetMGM.com for terms. 21 plus only, DC only, subject to eligibility requirements. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER.