Gay Coded Cowboys
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So we're supposed to start the podcast.

Ready? One, two, three. Something amazing is happening, listener.

All right, there's our eagle. I'm sorry, Jared. Jared Freed is here in Oklahoma City because I think you might love us. I do. We love you. I came here. I love you guys. I came here to woo you guys, to court you guys. You flew. Bring you back to New York. I flew here early to be in your midst, in your aura. Yeah, I want to have it in person. I was telling you before we started, one thing I appreciate about you is

is the attention to detail that you give to your grievances. I am a professional complainer. I'm a ranter. I mean, I do this every day of my life. And my joy, the thing is, I love a complaint that is frivolous. I love a complaint that is like a nothing. I love when someone goes, calm down. It's just...

you know, the elevator. And I'm like, calm down about the elevator. This is the only thing that matters to me. I can't believe you're not as enraged as I am. And nothing is worse than a calm down, relax, calm down, easy. Whoa. I was just joking. Yeah. I care about everything that doesn't matter. I, I, I, I have the problems of the problem list. And it's like,

A very beautiful place to be. I think everyone should hope to be where I am in life. That's right. No problems, but every problem in the world. So you're from Boston. You lived in New York City the last 15 years. Is coming to a place like this, is it somewhat exotic for you? You know, I've talked about this before. It's National Geographic. I feel like I have come to a far off distant universe and I am just...

I'll fly on the wall watching. And I'll never forget the moment I felt this was when I went to a, last time I was here, I went to where they go line dancing. What's it called? Oh, where? Cowboys? That was like, that was as if I was watching like a tribe, like watching a tribe doing tribal dances. Like I've never seen it. And all the men were,

looked like the type that would bully a man for dancing. Right. Like all the men dancing looked like they would bully a guy who liked show tunes and dancing to show tunes. And they're dancing with the big belt buckles and the tucked in shirts. They're dressed like their mom was like, tuck in your shirt. Right. Like they look ridiculous to me. The jeans are tight. And the jeans are skin tight. Tight jeans. They're like jeggings. And it was just very like, it was manly.

Like the way they like owned it, but also like I- Was it kind of gay? It was gay coded. But that's why it was so unbelievable to me. This is like, and again, you have your assumptions of other people and what their, you know, what their, you know, views are and who they like, who they hate. And you're watching these man's men

Like men's men type. And they're just like, and one and two and three and four and five and six and shimmy your gal. And you're like, this is crazy. And they got the hats on. And I was like, like if I put on a cowboy hat and a plaid shirt and tucked it into my jeans that were skin tight and cowboy boots, I'd be like,

It's Halloween. Right. I wouldn't feel comfortable. No, I would be – I would feel like a fraud. Yeah. And that's not – I don't think they're frauds. No, not at all. I would be like – my friends would be like, who are you trying to fool here? It's just – so I do come here and I do have this moment of like wide-eyed like, wow. And I kind of like – I appreciate – I like that. Like I – that's why I'm – what I'm saying before is like I think –

losing regional things is like a bad thing. Okay, I want to get to your list of grievances. Do people send this many usually? No, they do not. You're gold standard. Okay, because I have a lot and I've been adding to my list. Last night I texted Jared and I said, hey, have you left for Oklahoma City yet? He said no. And he said, what do I need to do to prep? And I said, text me a list of your grievances. Five minutes later, I get like a book, a published book.

And so let's just go through each and every single one of them. Let's first talk about restaurant reviewers.

I don't like... Well, this is a very specific complaint. Right now, TikTok is like all restaurant reviewers and they're bringing you into this... It takes no personality. There's very little fun in them. They're just kind of explaining what the restaurant is. Right now, the Corner Room is like a big hot place in New York and it's because Taylor Swift went there. Oh, yeah. And it's kind of like high-end TGI Fridays is what the food looks like. They have like a...

They have a pig in a blanket. No, what do they have? No, they have pizza bites. They got Totino's pizza rolls. Okay. They have the pizza rolls and fine. I'm going to like a pizza roll anywhere I get it from, whether it's from my freezer and it's been there a hundred years. I'm going to like a high end pizza roll too. Like if a chef was like, you know, when a chef looks at something and goes, I can do that, but I can do the chef's version. Right. Yeah, of course that's going to be delicious. Right.

But these reviewers never tell you what their financial situation is. Like it's always young people, mostly women who live in New York who are like,

And they have no, their voice never changes modulation. It just goes, the corner room in New York City has the most fire pizza rolls that you've ever had. And you're like, okay, who's paying the bills? Like, I need to know, because how good something tastes when you go to a restaurant is directly related to how easy it is for you to pay your bills, right?

Like if you are struggling month to month for rent and you decide to take your one night out to have an $18 pizza roll, it better make you come your pants because, because if you're getting your rent paid for by, you know, daddy war bucks in Connecticut, you're,

and you don't worry about rent, it's pretty easy to say that Totino's pizza roll is fire and slaps. So, like, I need, at the front of every review...

Who's paying the bills? How much you pay in rent? Is there a credit card that's shared between you and a parent? Because I don't need like because what happens is we all forget. Like, you know, now it comes two years later. This person has a million followers and making 100 grand a month. Right. And they got Patreon subscribers and they're like, please, you know, use my promo code. Well.

Let me know where the promo code came from. I need to know, is a promo code dad paid for everything? I just need to know where this all started. Here's what I want TikTokers to start doing. And I'm going to piggyback on your idea. I want one of these TikTok gals, restaurant reviewers, to start the video with, I've been on a 10-day cocaine bender and I decided to get off.

And after 12 hours, I was starving because I hadn't eaten in 12 days. So I went and I had these pizza rolls. They were so orgasmic. They were so fantastic. I ate so many. I'm certain I gained two to three pounds. So I think I'm going to graduate to meth. That's what we need. And I paid for it with the rolled up hundred in my pocket.

Exactly. Like it. There we go. That's what we need. Like, subscribe, review. I want the train wreck version of the internet. Well, that's the thing. There's no honesty. You're seeing everything through a keyhole. That's the problem with the internet. And we all know that. It's not an interesting take to be like, we're only seeing the good. We do. But a lot of Gen Zers don't know that. You know who the worst people are? The couples comedy on TikTok? Yeah.

the husband and wife, where the wife's like dancing on a table. She's like, "I'm crazy." And then the husband's like, "Look it, she's crazy again." And then we're all supposed to like, it's all just like, it's all, I love Lucy. It's the most, it is the most hack garbage comedy I have ever seen. And it all has millions of views. So like I, again, I'm making people mad because they're like, "But I love seeing Laura get on the table."

She's always dancing. He's a good husband. Like jet and pookie. Fuck off. Oh my God. Fuck off. Garbage. Garbage. I mean, Jordana Abraham, who's my cohost for the UL podcast.

This is she has brought me to the light. She was like, it's objectifying. She was like immediately. She's like, she's an object. And this is Jordana's take. And I'm like, it's totally right for me. I look at Jet and it's like, that's not that is infuriating to me because it reduces men to to partners, male partners as, you know, either tell me I'm wonderful or say nothing at all.

have no opinion other than I am a gorgeous queen goddess. And you see these women in the comments like, see, I just want to find a guy who can talk to me like this. It's like, yeah, no one talks to people like that. I'll tell you, ladies, you can find a man exactly like that at your local gay bar. I have been friends with gay men since I was 18 years old. They are effusive. They are complimentary. And I'm just saying, I have...

wearing her bow tag. Like, how does he know all these brands? I'm just saying I have really good gaydar. I'm just saying I have excellent gaydar. And I also, I would never want to say, cause I know every listener thinks this when they see Pookie and Jet. I always look at that and I think she's got to fuck him tonight. Right. I just don't understand. The dirty talk must be like crazy.

Pookie, those titties looking sad tonight. Pookie, suck on my balls. Pookie, put down. What's the purse that she has? She's always got a new, what's it there? Pookie, let me come in your Birkin bag. They're just such...

Not real people. Like, I just want to see Pookie. There's no toilet paper. Like, I want to see them do some weird shit. Pookie. Shit on my chest. Like, I just want one real video from them. I agree. One real video. They named the kid Paloma. Oh, did they already have the baby? Apparently. Paloma, like, I'm going to have a Pookie. Let's name it after a daiquiri.

This is what's so disturbing to me about this content. Yeah. We are a nation that is becoming void of culture. Well, I'm sorry to interrupt. I agree with you. I think things are so horrific to us. We're so scared of the world that these people, this unreality is kind of like, you know, is brain-damaged.

It's like making our brain ooze. It's like I see Pookie and Jet in the same box that I see Stanley cups. These are not interesting things. These are not something that you spend hours tending to and cultivating like we do our grievances. These are not thought-provoking things. One thing is just a fucking cup. And two people, these other two people, it's total performative bullshit and their real lives look

Nothing like that. Their conversations look nothing like that. And so you want to find your tribe. It's like, you know, Diet Coke. I wrote down people who think Diet Coke's their personality. Like that's another tribalism thing. Like, yeah, we know Diet Coke has existed before.

for 40 years at this point right like no one this isn't there's no hot take and i like diet you know but people are like oh but have you had the fountain soda at the movie theaters that's elite and it's like yeah i've had that too yeah it's just not that exciting okay i like it are we done with this conversation we have nothing else to talk about

It's boring. Is that all you got? Like anytime someone says, do you like Fountain Diet Coke? I want to look at them and go, do you talk to your parents ever? Do you have friends? Do you have friends? Yeah. Does anything interesting ever happen to you? Listener, this may come as a total shock to you, but Pumps and I have not always been this pulled together and rock solid.

In fact, we used to be rather screwed up when you say pumps. I would say damn near psychotic. Totally. And we have written a cell phone expose. One could even say it's a manifesto. And the book title is...

Life is a lazy Susan of shit sandwiches. In all sincerity, we share a lot of our struggles that led us to this grand stage where we can talk about petty grievances. You can click the link below in the show notes to pre-order your copy now.

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Okay. Now I want to show our listener a relatable side to you. Why don't you tell us about the Carlton Hotel and Can? So...

I knew. Well, I like adding some grievances that I know you guys will know. Yeah. That no one else. The unrelatable grievance. Have you been to the Carlton in Cannes? I have. Yes. I knew you have. I knew. I knew. I've not. I knew one of you was going to be at the Carlton Hotel in Cannes. I'm the asshole that's been there. Okay. This is the most beautiful hotel I have. One of the most beautiful hotels I've ever seen. It is in Cannes in Sofra, south of France. It is. Sofra. I was like.

What? Okay. I was in Sofra for, we did, I went on a vacation there alone, which to any straight man listening, which all three of you, just don't go to Europe alone. That's my advice to you. Really? I would think it'd be a great hookup spot. No, for women.

Women go to Europe because they can meet a guy who was, you know, they have predators there too. They also have cute, you know, foreign speaking men. Well, I went when I was young. Foreign speaking men who want, you know, wanting to fuck a woman is international. There's no, you know, there's no, there's no borders to that. Hang on before being disgusted by American men is also borderless. Before we get to the door.

The door at the Carlton camp. I just want to share with you and the listener that when Pumps was, how old were you, 20? When I went? Yeah. 22. Doesn't matter. 22 years old. She had a two to three day tryst. I did. In the south of France. With a Frenchman. Sofra. In Sofra. And his name was Roy. And he didn't speak English except-

He could sing every lyric in English to all air supply songs. I love this. This is like a character out of a movie. Right. So how did you – so you just go – like you point at a hotel? Well, no. I was staying there and he lived there. Yeah. So he had an apartment. I think I – it's been so long now. But I think I met him like on the beach and I thought he was cute. He thought I was cute. Drunk, drunk, drunk.

Go back to his hotel room. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Beautiful. For like two or three days. And then it was like, bye. And then I, you know, and then you look back and you think, we never actually had a conversation because he only knew English to air supply songs.

So what's an air supply song? I'm trying to think. Lost in love. Are you too young for that? No, I would know an air supply song. Lost in love, I'm so lost without you. Yeah, it's like a ballad. I'm all out of love. I'm so lost without you. So that's playing throughout the whole two-day tryst. Yeah. It was a romantic French song.

Sex me, die me. All he had to say, I'm so lost without you. You're like, bring me to the hotel room. He was really cute though. Of course. I don't even know if he had to say that. But yeah, it was like that. Good for you. Do you think he ever, do you think he has any relation to this podcast? Like you're out there. Fuck no. This is international. No, I'm sure he forgot. Roy. I don't think so. Roy, if you're out there. Roy, if you're out there. If you're all out of love and so lost without pumps. I'm ready. She's here ready to come again. Okay, go to the bathroom.

- Can you, but this is the thing like with like, you know, I kind of envy your generation because this idea that you could go to Europe, you go fuck for a couple of days, there's just no, it's goodbye. - There's no follow up. - No follow up. - No paper trail. - No cell phones. - Right, you have a hit podcast, you become this big thing. There's no Roy being like story time. - Right. - I fucked pumps.

And she didn't even ask me any questions. Can you believe it? I didn't even speak English. She didn't care. You hit it and quit it. I hit it and quit it. We had the luxury of hitting it and quitting it. Right. There's no quitting it. No strings. Now it's hit it and follow on Instagram and watch every story and, you know, pop in every now and again with a fire emoji. That's right. That's what it is. A drunk text. Yeah. The drunk text. Now that is a huge problem. Drunk text. I'm okay about it. I'm not that bad. But I get them and I...

I think anyone who takes a drunk text like...

like anything but like laughing at a toddler, like that's them at their most toddler form. Yep. Reaching out. Good for them. They had a fun night. Like if I, when I see, are you out tonight at 3 a.m. I'm like, good for that person. Yeah. They had a nice night. Good. And like when I wake up to it at 7 a.m. I'm just like, thank God on me. Good for them for being them. Like I'm just so no harm, no foul. All right. Let's get back to the door. So I'm at the Carlton Hotel in Cannes.

And we're there for Spotify with the Cannes Lions Festival, which is this big marketing festival. And every hotel and every beach club is taken over by like Meta, Spotify, LinkedIn. It's basically like a...

you know, a liberal's wet dream. You know, just every- Giant circle jerk. Right. Giant circle jerk. And we get brought in to do a one hour panel and that's it for Spotify to talk about podcasts and ads and stuff like that. So, which is a great fun time. We're at the nicest hotel and the door, the circular door, what is it called? Revolving. The revolving door is like not pushable. Like it would take three people to push the revolving door.

And the whole week we're sitting, I'm watching people pushing this revolving door. You're at the nicest hotel in Cannes. You should see one person have to struggle with that door and it should be like, bellhop, get over here. Like, how are we dealing? And then everyone's going to the other door. They're trying at once, going out of it, going to the other door.

You're in the lap of luxury. If anything should work, it's the door. Or there should be a door guy standing there being like, not this way. Everyone this way. Right. Someone, I just don't like when you have a high end, high end experience. Right. And then we're just stepping over this one thing every day. There should be.

accountability here. This is where I'm going to push back a little bit. I appreciate this in the French. I appreciate the like, fuck you, our door's broken. You lazy ass, go to the other one. Problem solved. And I agree. I know you're going to say it's the highest end. I agree with all of those things. But in the United States, everything's fixed, primed, you know, suck the dick of the capitalists. Go, go, go, go, go. The French are like...

I think that's the worst type of human being is the French. You do? Awful. Because they take your money and then they act like money doesn't exist. You can't live in both worlds. Right. You can't live in a world where we charge $1,200 a night for a hotel room and, oh, we're going to make this about money? That is the French attitude. It's the same as like, what are you so angry about?

Well, I'm angry that I'm spending a month of rent to spend a night at your hotel. I can't open the fucking door. And seven minutes of the night is spent wrestling with your door. That was a $5 door experience. I do think of money. My problem with most things is this under...

expectation versus reality. I think that's the, that's where every frivolous grievance comes from. Yeah. You expect a certain thing and then you get this thing that is under expectation. Yep. This is the same, you know, the, again, it's the, it's the food reviewer. I expect to be told by someone who knows their food, where I should go based on a, a rating system that relates to money in some way or another that lives in the real world.

And then it ends up living in a fake, you know, fancy pants world of like, oh, wait, well, people pay rent? People have mortgages? People have children? Diapers cost money? You know. Okay. How are you still single? I hate that question. That's why we asked it. It is the worst question in the world. People ask, and it's always married people. That's true. Because they want you to admit that.

That you wish you had what they had, which what they have is pretty awful for my vantage point. What they have seems pretty boring and not that fun to me. Right. But they want to make sure that you admit they're basically they're turning you into their relationship cuck.

You know, they want you to grovel and say, oh, I just, I don't know what I could do. Because there's no good way to answer it. Like, let's say I answer positively. Right. How are you still single? Well, no, I like my life. I like it a lot. I like being single. Now I sound offensive. Right. No one believes that. Right. Or I go negative. Now I go sad town. Well, I guess maybe I just, I'm afraid of going to the next step. And I should probably talk to a therapist about this and

You know, I just don't know if I could love in the way I really want to love. You know, like, that's not a conversation anyone really wants to have. No, right. So then how are you still single? I could go, like, incel. Like, it's these women, you know? Like, there's no good option other than, like, please set me up with someone. Please give me what you have. And it's like, I don't want what they have. Right.

You know what this conversation tells me? No one asks me why I'm still single. Uh-oh. That's a huge red flag. No one's complimenting you. Everyone knows. No one thinks it's a mystery is what that tells me. Well, you know what? This reminds me. Okay, so we were in New York. Yeah. And we did the New York Comedy Festival. Yeah. And then we do a VIP meet and greet. Sure. And there were these women that came and they said, hey.

Pumps, I just want you to know this man asked me to give you this note, but we pre-read it to make sure it was okay. And it's actually pretty sweet. And he has the hots for you. Love it. So they passed the note to pumps. We go, we do the VIP meet and greet, and then we go outside and there's like 25 people waiting for us outside the venue. And the show ended like an hour before. So we were kind of shocked at that. We're like, Oh my God. Right. People are waiting on paparazzi. One of these, the guy who wrote the note, uh,

didn't trust that the ladies, because they were like, what do you mean give this note to pumps? We're going to pre-read this and we're going to vet it. So he went to a restaurant and got a sack, a paper sack, and he re- A paper sack? A brown paper sack. Okay. And he re-wrote

the love letter for pumps. And I have to say, it was kind of funny. It was really funny. Did you write it on the air? No. Why not? It's at home. Why wouldn't you read it? It says, I'm a thousandaire. It was really clever. With a million red flags, which I love red flags. He was 56. Yeah, 56. Who was he at the show with? I think that's the big one. No one. I don't know. Came alone. Okay, serial killer vibes. And I didn't know it was him.

Came alone. I never met him because we were passing through the people. I didn't know it was him. He gave me the paper set and said, will you please give this to Pops? I also gave her another note. I said, oh, did you give it to those two ladies? He said, yes. I said, oh yeah, they pre-read it. The note is cute. The note's really cute. As someone with a dating podcast that talks about dating now for over a decade in the modern age, this is kind of the what people want. The in real life, the

especially what women want a lot of times, a man making a decision, pursuing, deciding on them, not being vague. This guy- Right, it's a tangible note. Right. Right. And his number was on it. It is interesting, the thin line between people want and when it gets creepy. Because one note, this is beautiful. This is great. Now the next move has to be we text, we make a plan.

The minute you go to the second note, now that is what someone does who has captured your child. Well, no. I'll tell you. I want a million dollars. In his defense, he said, I rewrote the note because those ladies were kind of iffy if they were going to actually give it to her. Right. And he was looking for safety as far as, I want to make sure this is okay that I approach you. I didn't get a creepy vibe. So have we gone out? Did you text? No, I don't know. Have you texted? No, I have too many issues to ever...

respond to that like i could be why what what what's the other option let's talk about your issues yeah oh i just have so many issues jared well your issue is that you're not taking you know the bait here you i mean it's okay to not like it i'm not saying right but i don't like it in general i have huge intimacy issues that keep me what are you looking for in a partner do you even want a partner i don't really want a partner okay so i'm really selfish i'm not a huge prize i'm

- Well, your confidence is an issue right now. You just said I'm really selfish, I'm not a huge prize. Those are two different things. - I wouldn't want to give up my nightly routine with my dog. - Yeah, but there might be people who, if you found a partner that was like, you go to your house, I go to my house. - See, that would be perfect. An out of state, like once every month. - This seems to be, that guy could be the solution. - I mean, maybe he could live in New York.

- Yeah, I mean, New York is a good place to visit. - You could meet him like Roy, once, two days. - Yeah. - Tons of fucking. - Two days sex, sex. - Yeah. - He's the midlife Roy. - Yeah, but I think he speaks, my problem is talking. - MLR. - I don't like to talk a lot. - What's to talk about? - You just think bang it out. - I'm all out of love. I'm so lost without you. I just wanna fuck.

Whenever you come to the city every now and again, pumps, we just wanna fuck. Just blow me and leave. Don't forget about Pookie's Birkin. Pookie's Birkin will be full of jets come, full of jets come. Pookie's Birkin is full of it all day, all night.

Like, when is Jet ever an asshole?

- I bet he's a huge asshole in real life. I'm betting. - I don't hope he's an asshole. I hope they have like a normal life. I hope they have a very non-problematic, but there's just more than meets the eye. - You know why we know this? Because we have been whistleblowing on this for two years. Whenever you see a performative couple, it is a red flag. Behind that performance,

is a multitude, an onslaught of fucking fucked up shit. I know, because I've been in relationships. I lived with someone for a minute, and I was just so annoying to them.

And I would just, I enjoyed that. Like I did enjoy annoying her. - You liked it, she didn't. - Yeah, I mean, I think that I would hope that some of it was cute to her. - In the beginning it probably was. - My husband does this to her. - Maybe, yeah. And that's what my dad does to my mom is just constant messing with her. - Yeah, my husband does this to me. - The idea that someone would, again, you go to a gala, you go to an event, you look beautiful tonight, you look amazing. To set up a camera.

and go, "Luke, he looks fine." It's like, "Get out of here, loser." - I know. - I just think that that guy doesn't have friends. Like all of my friends would be like, "What are you doing with your wife on video?" - Right, that's fucked up. - And then once they start making money, people like, they'd be like, "What, you make what from that?" And then they would go, "Oh, it's for the money." - Right. - But there's a beginning period hump to get over where my friends would be like, "What, wait, why do you just,

Do you just compliment her and then people watch and think you're a good guy? I'll tell you what bothers me about them more than anything on the planet. What's up? It's not Paloma. Before they got pregnant. Oh, I mean, I've been here since the beginning. They have a French bulldog. Okay. I worry a lot about that French bulldog in the same way that I worried about...

former vice president Pence's pet rabbit. Okay. When I hear that people like this... I didn't know he had a pet rabbit. That's crazy. Yeah. He moved it into the vice president's house. Okay. Pet rabbit. Hopping around. When I hear about people like this... Yeah. ...having pets, and in Pookie and Judd's case, I saw the video with the pet. I worry about the safety and well...

and well-being and emotional growth for that pet. They have a French Bulldog. We have French Bulldogs. French Bulldogs are needy. They require a lot of attention. They're very emotional creatures. You think all the attention is going towards Pookie? I think Pookie and Jet are bad pet owners.

That's what I'm here to say. Wow. It's an accusation. You heard it here first. I really, I think that they are bad pet owners. Yeah. He's got to watch all that weird sex they're having. Exactly. All that Birkin bag. I'm here to advocate for the French bulldog that is a victim of Pookie and Jets unbridled narcissism. And God only knows all the sex that you described. Here's what you need to do. Here's a YouTube exclusive. You need to interview the Frenchie and then I'll dress up as the Frenchie.

Yes. And then it'll be me with a cigarette being like, Pookie is fine. She doesn't say much. Jet, I mean, this guy, he fucked a Birkenbeck. He put his penis in a Birkenbeck. I don't know what the hell he's doing. I have to watch that every night. They let me sleep on the bed. I don't want to sleep on the bed. I'd much rather sleep in the other room. They prefer I sleep on the bed. Yeah.

You know, one night Pookie pulled me aside and was like, what do you think of Jet? And I was like, can I tell you the truth? I think it's a little weird that he only compliments you and gives you no, you know, I could give you a few things that you should improve. I think you don't dress your age. I think you need to like reign it in a little bit. This guy's never going to tell you. You're going to think you're great your whole life. People are talking about you behind your back. I talked to the other dogs at the dog park. Okay. I talked to them. Everyone's talking about you.

He doesn't go down on you at all. He refuses to go down on you. He's that complimentary and he won't go down on you. Hand stuff isn't enough, Pookie. Okay? His wrists are flimsy. I feel how he holds onto the leash. Okay? It's not an act. End scene. See, I'm an actor too. End scene.

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Okay, we have to go to Had It or Hit It. You know this game. Okay. Oh my God. Welcome to Had It or Hit It. I would hit it. Had It. I hit it every day, sometimes twice a day. All right, Had It or Hit It, recycling. Had It. I think recycling is the dumbest thing in the world. If recycling was important, wouldn't we like have a, like, wouldn't we just know recycling so well? Wouldn't that be like,

taught to us from such a young age and over the course of years that we would be like, that, how is it that I'm 39 and I go to the garbage and I'm like, what the fuck is compost? - Yeah, the compost thing. - If it was important for us to do, we would know how to do it. In the same way we know how to drive, in the same way we know how to merge on a highway. If it was life or death, which I don't believe it is,

- You ever watch them take, you think the people at Starbucks are like taking the bags, the separate bags to separate places? No, they're putting it in one bag. And that's the problem I have is we as a country, us citizens are forced to argue amongst ourselves and think someone's a good person or a bad person based on how well they do a recycling.

When this is at the corporate level, this is at the government level, this is not our problem. We can't fix it. Right. And now we are forced to judge one another based off of some family that's making money off of recycling. Like, you know, there's a, you ever meet someone like, oh, that family made it all in waste management or they made it all in recycling. You go, oh, so some kid is like,

going to private school while I'm sitting there going, well, the plastic had food in it and I don't know if I can throw it away now. You know, like I just think it's all bullshit and it's made us look, it's become a religion for people. People think they're good people because they recycle. Let me tell you something wild.

Growing up in the 80s, it was common to have a milkshake in the car and you're sipping on it and you had a bench seat. You know, your mom was driving. You could go sit right next to her. You could just slide down the bench seat. Mm-hmm.

You'd just roll down the window when you finished your milkshake and just toss it out. Check it out. With zero guilt, zero nothing. And then they started this anti-littering campaign. So then we decided we can't just throw shit out the window anymore because I did that all the time and everybody did it. Everybody littered. And thought nothing of it. Through it. Now they're wanting us to recycle everything.

And I'm like, I started on this journey throwing my shit out the window with reckless abandon, zero guilt, like a sociopath. Genuinely. And now to try to get me to figure out the recycling is really difficult. We wonder why anxiety is at an all-time high. It's because of stuff like this. Like, how about you just give us a big shoot to put everything in and let's just forget it. We did our best.

Like this idea that I'm a good person or a bad person, it's like creating OCD out of nowhere. I got to like touch the garbage can three times to make sure that I recycled the right way. And what you're saying is correct. I was in Austin, Texas. I got in an Uber. I was in the Uber and the woman driver, she's in the front. She chugs a plastic water bottle. She rolls down the window and she hocks it out the window. And I was like, oh my God.

And I, you know what I did? And this is weird. And this is how diseased I am by the big recycle. I literally was like, I don't know what to do. So I took my seatbelt and I put it on. Like as if that was related to, like her throwing out the windows, like, well, what will she do next? She might drive on the wrong side of the road at this point if she's willing to throw a bottle. That's how diseased I am by this idea that like,

If you don't throw things away correctly, you must be a crazy person or a bad person. It's just affected me. So I hate recycling. I hate when people tell you to have a reusable bottle. I hate when, you know, and all these reusable bottles are to make someone else money. Like, follow the money. Like, we are all just getting...

coaxed into this emotional thing where like being emotionally taking advantage of them. - All right, had it or hid it, wedding dinner? - Had it. I think the dinner at the wedding is the worst part of the wedding. If it were me, how I would change weddings,

I'm having pass around hors d'oeuvres the whole night. I like it. Never stops. Keeps changing. In the beginning, it's more cocktail hour fare. And then as the night goes on. Slider. Sliders. Pizza roll. Pizza rolls. And then you start getting into like, you know, forkfuls of grilled chicken, little, you know, little cups of pasta. And then towards the end, you have dessert pass arounds. I want...

the waiters at my wedding to have done 30,000 steps by the end of the night. - I agree. - I think that's better. - I think that is, 'cause we sit down for this dinner, it's like weirdly formal, no one wants the food, it's never good. - Never good. - And no one's ever had, it changes up the whole like energy, we have to sit for this. - You're a hostage.

At least if it's hors d'oeuvres, you have the freedom to go, oh my gosh, I've got to run to the restroom. Even though you don't have to go to the restroom because you want to get the fuck away from Jet, who's talking about his sex life at the wedding. So you're trying to run away. Telling you how he fucks a Birkin like Jet. That's right. And so I don't like forced group meals and forced group activities. Let everybody be free, especially at a wedding. This also goes into another point where the feedback's going to be, but

But what about grandma and grandpa? We should have an age limit at weddings. I think there should be no grandparents. I think we have to get rid. I think the upper age at weddings, I think 70 and younger, everyone else, if they're over 70, we will have a live feed. We will have it going the whole night. They can watch on Zoom. We'll set it up in their old folks' home.

And they can watch from home. And you know what? By the end of the night, they'll be appreciative. We'll send them like a basket. You know those influencer packages? We'll send them a basket that like when they open it, a little firework goes off. Oh, yeah. You know, a picture of the couple. They'll love it. They'll love it. That's a really good point though because two of my nephews recently got married. And it was a big thing not on my side of the family but on other people's side of the family. Like, well, what about –

such and such. Right. And he's like 89 in a wheelchair. Right. And the bride and groom are having to make all these plans. Here's the thing that I want everyone to know. I'm 50. She's significantly older than me. 54. I don't want to go to weddings right now.

No, I don't either. My desire to go to them when I'm 80-something will be even that much more diminished because the one thing I've learned about getting older is your give-a-fuck meter breaks beyond repair. Just send the check. That's exactly right. Liberate the elderly. Don't make them be hostages at a wedding.

wedding. Right. We're doing them a favor. And at one point we can put up a big screen and we can show them from their bed like Grandpa Joe. Like a big wave. Yeah, they'll do a wave like they're like the soldiers abroad on New Year's. Like, hey, we're here. And then we go, okay, back to the ball drop. You know, it's like... Okay. Had it or hit it, marathoners? I've had it. I don't get it. I don't understand the need to run a marathon. I get...

You know, again, what they do to you is they say, well, I'm raising money for this great cause. And do we need you to run to do that? I don't think we. How about you? You know, and I listen, it's not the marathon that I don't like. It's the people that go out after the marathon. After the marathon is the worst bar night of the year.

Because it's like, you know when they say New Year's Eve is like Amateur's Hour? Yeah. Right. This is Amateur's Hour from the worst type of human. Because...

The person who runs a marathon, they're like an A personality. They're waking up at 6 a.m. They never go out. They tell you, I can't go. I got to get up for my run. They've been making you feel bad about going out for a whole year. Right. And then on their big night where they're wearing a medal in a tinfoil blanket, they're out looking at everyone at the bar. Look, I'm out. Look at me. I'm drinking. Yeah, I'll have a shot. I never have a shot. It's this big, like, elitism. Yeah.

Of like, I never party, but this is the night I party because I just ran 26.2 miles. Like, that's what it took for you to go out. How about you're not a fun person? How about I regret giving to your narcissist? I regret giving to your whatever charity you represent. You have now made me hate this charity. Right. The only night you go out is when you're wearing a medal that you didn't even earn. You didn't win. Right.

Like think of like the awful person that the only night they let loose is when they've run 26.2 miles. Yeah. I let loose when I get 2000 steps. Right. I walk to the bar. I'm like, wow, I deserve pizza after this. Okay. Had it or hit it. Reality show deniers.

I don't like when people hate reality TV. You don't have to watch it. Right. You know, like it's not like going to the bar after the marathon. We have to be in the same bar. I have to be amongst these losers with a metal on. Right. With a reality show, change the channel. Right. You don't have to watch it. If you don't watch a show, I don't care. I don't watch your shows. And then their big thing is like, it's not real. What is real? What show are you watching? What are you? You just watch the news and that's it.

There's no place that takes you to a different place. You think Ted Lasso's real? Reality shows, yeah, everything is not real. Everything is a version. I would say a reality show is more real than Breaking Bad. Right.

At least they're using their real names. Right. You know, like I just don't understand. And it's like always their insecurities. I like The Bachelor. I think The Bachelor is fun. It's got a great arc. Starts with 30 people. Then it goes down to one and they get engaged. That is a beginning, middle and end that you don't get a lot in life. Right, right. So let me enjoy that. But what these people do, they go, oh.

oh, what is, you know, the men, they all, the men that hate The Bachelor that are insecure, they go, oh, what is, you fuck all the women? It's like, yeah, they do it on camera. It's a big porno on CBS. And then the women that don't like it, they're like, it's just not real. And it's like, sorry, your life is awful. I like it. Okay, Jared, thank you so much. Thank you, guys. Thank you for coming. We'll see you guys next Tuesday or Thursday. I'll tell you what I've had it with.

Listen up, patriots, gay-triots, and nay-triots. We have a new podcast that has dropped. It's called IHIP News. It's Monday through Friday, every day, 15 to 20-minute hot takes on the political landscape of the United States of America, always served with a side of petty grievances.

We are on all the available platforms, Apple, Spotify, Google, whatever. You get your podcasts and YouTube. Please go rate, subscribe, and review so that we will chart upwards with America's greatest legal mind, pumps. Pumps, what does an eagle say? Caw-caw. A little bit more enthusiasm. Caw-caw. That's it. That's, that's. Caw-caw. That's the patriotism that this country needs right there. Caw-caw.

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