Fiercifying the Suburbs with Detox
01:00:22 Share

Listener, for this episode of I've Had It, we've partnered with eHarmony, the dating app to find someone you can be yourself with. Pops, what's going on out there on the dating apps? It's unbelievable how many people try to be something they're not on dating apps.

And what I love about eHarmony is it's real people for real relationships. You heard her, listener. That's why we've partnered with eHarmony because dating on eHarmony is different. eHarmony knows that to find something real, eHarmony is designed to help you bring out your personality on your profile with their unique personality test. They

They even highlight similarities with your potential matches. And that's when the magic happens, when you form genuine connections and authenticity leads to intimacy. Listener, give eHarmony a shot and get started with their compatibility quiz so you can find someone you can be yourself with. eHarmony, get who gets you. So are we supposed to start the podcast? No.

One, two, three.

That was an outstanding, I mean, I hate to twit my own horn, but that was pretty great. I'm going to give credit where credit is due. That was an outstanding clap. That is the clap that our forced listeners deserve and want from the podcaster formerly known as Judge Judy Diana, who is now just going by Her Royal Highness Diana Pumps. What have you had it with?

Okay, what I've had it with is twofold. One...

People that don't stay in their own lane. And I'm not talking about cars. I'm talking about people that want to insert themselves into your business for no reason. It has nothing to do with them. And you know them for less than one second of your entire life. Let me jump in real quick. Would an example of this be like, say you're eating at a restaurant and you've known the waiter for maybe 30 seconds and you ask him what his relationship is like with his in-laws? Would that be an example? I walked right into that, didn't I? I mean, there's...

You were teasing me about it the other day and I was like, I can't defend it because there is no defense. There's no excuse. Okay. Sorry. It was teed up, Pumps. I know. I walked right into it. I love you. Go on with your grievance. Okay. So people that just insert themselves into your life for no reason, you have no relationship with them. The Gladys Kravitz effect times a million. Right.

And then the parking lot carve outs, which we have in Oklahoma City for expectant mothers, which I think is fucking ridiculous. So there's a sign. I've seen these around town. There's a sign that looks like a handicap placard. Right. Instead of having the wheelchair that says reserved for handicap only, it says this space is reserved for expectant mothers.

Yes. Those are irritating. Those are irritating and they have them everywhere. Yep. During Christmas, I would always park because there's one right in front of Lululemon and Athleta, which are right next door to each other. Always parked right in there. No problems. I always park at them. So yesterday at Trader Joe's,

No parking. Everybody and their dog was at Trader Joe's. So I'm circling the parking lot and everybody's circling the parking lot. But I look in and I see the expectant mother spot is available. So naturally, I go straight for it, park my car, be bopping into Trader Joe's. And this woman rolls down her window and she's older, probably 65, 75 ish.

She rolls down our windows and goes, that parking place is for expectant mothers. And I just looked down and I get one pregnant and just kept walking. So that's number one, the parking lot carve outs that irritates me to no end. And then just the nosy Rosie, like, shut the fuck up. Why do you care? If you would have been smarter, you would have parked there. I've been thinking about these parking spaces a lot lately because I've seen these expectant mother signs.

And then I also have a problem with the reserve for takeout orders only. Yeah. When I'm going to dine there and spend time there,

Why do the takeout orders get preferential treatment? Why are we favoring some customers over the others? Furthermore, as a woman who's been pregnant and a woman who's had small children, I would argue that when I had a toddler and a newborn, I was more in need of the up-close parking spot.

than I was when I was pregnant. When I was pregnant, I actually needed to get my blood flowing and get the kind of exercise to get up to the door. So I've thought about this a lot. You bring up a great point. And I think the only exception for a carve out in a parking lot is the handicapped parking space full stop. If you are able-bodied,

If you're a takeout orderer, if you're pregnant, or if you have small children, all of those are choices that you made wherein other people have made different choices. And why are your choices preferred over other people's choices? Breeders shouldn't get preferential treatment over non-breeders. I agree. Pregnant women shouldn't get preferential treatment over non-pregnant women. We've got to stop with all... You know what it is?

Everybody's getting a trophy in a parking lot. Right. You're rewarding mediocrity. Maybe the old little old lady, and I'm just playing devil's advocate here. I love you unconditionally and I support you. And I want that known in the permanent record, both our physical copy and this digital copy that is our podcast. Maybe the old lady doesn't like entitlement. Yeah.

I'm just saying, I'm not saying I feel like that. So it wasn't me. Maybe, maybe she felt like you seemed entitled when you parked in the pregnant woman parking space. See, I thought she just thought you're too fucking old to be pregnant. Move your car.

Yeah. That's why I just looked at her and lied so proudly. Yeah. Because what's she going to do? Say you're too old? I mean, she's not going to say that. She's not the police of the parking lot. But all of this starts- With the carve out. With these trophies and the parking lot. And if you order takeout, then you have to fight for your parking spot just like the rest of us do. I agree. I will say I've been known to park in the takeout

I did it the other day. Yeah. I mean, it's just sitting there. I was just sitting here on my moral high ground talking about how I didn't park in the expectant mother parking spot. But I did the other day. Well, what I did is this. There were two restaurants right next door to each other. And I parked and my son, my oldest son's home from college, and he went in to get Mexican food.

and order it to go. And I parked in the takeout for the restaurant that's right next door, Flower Child. But I stayed in the car the whole time and nothing ever happened. But as I was sitting there, I thought, this is stupid. It's so stupid.

A person that dines there has a right to a debutante parking space just as much as anybody else does. Yeah, I don't remember these carve out for takeout until COVID. And then everybody was taking out. So I kind of get that. But now it's just blown completely over. They've got to stop. They've got to stop. Maybe we can get our friend AOC to bring this to the house floor. That's right. I'm sure. That's a priority. And we have cool, powerful friends now. Right. Absolutely. Maybe we'll DM her.

about these expectant mother signs. Oh, yeah. I'm sure she's dying to hear from us. And I think, friend, you're using that word a little loosely, but okay. There's no question. The entire comment was tongue in cheek. Let me tell you what I've had it with. I woke up a couple of weeks ago because my favorite tennis player, Rafa Nadal, was playing in Brisbane, Australia. So I woke up at 3 a.m. to watch his match because of the time change. And I know that sounds psychotic, and I'm not arguing that it is or isn't, but that's what I did.

So I'm watching this match on the tennis channel. It's rare that I have to watch live TV with commercials like we did when we were little. So I'm watching the match and then a series of commercials would come on. And then this commercial comes on and it's trying to be this like super hip commercial. And it's for individually wrapped generic Viagra. And it's got this old boomer who's narrating the commercial. Right.

And it shows the individually wrapped packages that kind of look like condoms. And the guy goes, and they're individually wrapped. I think it's pretty cool. Yeah.

He says it just like that. And it shows him he's this goofy, dorky boomer. Okay. And then they show the box that it comes in. And basically you can skirt the system and you don't have to go to your doctor. So not only is Viagra made to skirt the system of what your natural penis could do without medication. Now there's a skirt within the skirt. Now you can go to this website and order this. It's so cool. Individually wrapped Viagra.

So as I'm sitting there watching that, then I go to my smartphone because I'm in the commercial. And I thought, that guy's an idiot. This is a stupid commercial. I can't believe I just watched this. So I go to my phone and then I see that the Supreme Court is going to take a case regarding Plan B, right? Which is female medication. And I've had it with the fact that men...

can have this skirt within a skirt of the system for their beloved Viagra that's individually wrapped and have some dorky boomer spokesman talk about how it's pretty cool. And women, when it comes to their reproductive rights and what goes on between their legs,

they're having to go to the Supreme Court. Oh, absolutely. Up against all these nuts there, that crazy beer drinker, the handmaid, all of them. Right. So I have had it with the overt disparity that men can have these grandstanding showboating commercials about how to skirt the system to get a hard-on longer and better than what they're

penises could naturally do. And if there was a commercial like that for plan B or for a female contraception, there's still so much sexism in society that it would be deemed risque or what are these slutty women doing? And I just, I've had it with that. It's so offensive. We always talk about if they would put the money and power and research into

behind like curing cancer or hunger that they put into erectile dysfunction for men, the world would be a better place. No, we've said it. This will be about the third or fourth time we've said it on this podcast. The science into the erection has been outstanding. It has been. It has been outstanding. Because it affects men. That's right.

No one even wants to consider how a woman would feel if she's forced to carry a pregnancy that A, could kill her, B, the child's not viable, or C, she's just not ready in her life. Nobody's interested in all that. We want to regulate that. I want to get inside those scrotums like we're inside the uterus. And I think that we'd have a lot of change. I think the balance would shift if we all decided, you know what, if you knock somebody up, we're going to give you a vasectomy.

You have no control over it. You want to jump in that scrotum. I want to jump in that scrotum. You want to get in that scrotum. I want to get in that scrotum. You let them have it. Yes. I mean, I just, it makes me so fucking mad. But I mean, the victory lap, this, this boomer was taken. He was like, and they come individually wrapped and they have like rainbows on him and stuff. And he's like, why would that even matter? I think it's pretty cool. And I was just like, fuck off. You stupid fuck. Nobody wants to fuck you anyway. You're too old. Yeah.

You're gross naked. Like enough. I mean, like gross. Welcome to I've had it. It's already devolved. It always goes there. We try. We have the best intentions, listener. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. She's Pumps. And for everybody that's like, why do you call her Pumps? We've said it multiple times on the permanent record. Look it up.

And I still get DMs. Why do you call pumps, pumps? Somebody asked me that last weekend and I was like... Her name, nickname was Angelina Pumpkin Tina. We changed it to Tina Full of Pumps and now it's just pumps. It's been that way for close to 20 years. All right. So Kylie's sick today. And so...

Seth is in here helping us. Kylie's bitch. KB. And Kylie's running sound. She can't be in the recording studio because she sniffles and sneezes. I begged her to go home. She wouldn't go home. We're not keeping her hostage, but that's how dedicated she is, listener. So she has passed on to me some comments about

that are on the World Wide Web to read. First is one that I found on my own. So let me, I found this on TikTok. Okay. And I never look at the comments on TikTok, but for some reason I did to this one. And it's one of the best comments we've ever had. This comment is from Dorance681. And it says, you're both a couple of leftist idiots. Yes.

What I have to say to that is 2024 is looking up for us. That's right. Thank you. Thank you. She didn't say centrist idiots. No, she didn't. She said, you're both a couple of leftist idiots. I could not agree more. I just want to say thank you. I say thank you. We are leftists. We are leftists. We are idiots. Right. I think 2024 hate comments are really looking up for us. All right. Now, this one is from our...

Kylie, our sweet little precious Kylie who is ill in the other room. And she found a five-star review. She must be feeling fondly about us today. And this is a review on, I believe, Apple. And it's from Dr. Entropy.

And Dr. Entropy says, I started listening on my way to work in the morning. Here is what I think I've pieced together. This is a podcast with two women, PAMPs. I think they call her that because she will inevitably have to wear adult PAMPers because of her advanced age and an earlier anal trauma with a spoon.

And Jillian, who has an unhealthy obsession with a game involving slapping gherkins around with paddles. Freudian, I know, but not in like a mean way. These two women spend roughly an hour or so talking about the things they hate, sometimes about themselves, sometimes about each other, mostly about humanity's bleak existence in general, sometimes with a fun guest.

It's the mental health journey you didn't know you needed. It is just nice to see a return to good old-fashioned down-home American values, namely pointing out what is wrong with everyone else, sometimes hypocritically, but always critically. Ha ha!

They must have trapped a millennial in what I can only assume is a Buffalo Bill style pit in their recording studio and forced her to run their social media account. I'm getting a little bit concerned because they seem to have snagged another one, Seth. From what I can tell, Kylie has asserted her dominance in the pit and there is a nice hierarchical structure going on.

I hope that Kylie can lure Cha-Cha into the pit to try to leverage her freedom. But after how Scout went, quote, missing, I'm not hopeful. 10 out of 10 would recommend. What a wonderful review. Oh, and I missed this part. It's titled Manifesting My Warnings.

I mean, nailed it. Hit every corner. Nailed it. That is an excellent review. So these are number one, a hate comment, which was accurate, true, short, and to the point. And then this beautifully written. Beautifully written. Like an essay. Five-star review. Yeah. I love it. Yeah. It's an ode to our podcast. Oh my gosh. It is an ode. Yeah. Yeah. I really, really, really like it. All right. Pups. I was on the...

World Wide Web. Okay. Reading the news. And I...

I saw an article that linked me to a TikTok account. Okay. By at Tinks, T-I-N-X. And she posted a video on TikTok explaining the fatal friend flaw theory. And so what the fatal friend flaw theory is, is that every single one of your close friends or best friends has a fatal flaw. Okay. Maybe they're insecure. Maybe they're attention seeking. Okay.

Whatever it is, according to this theory and or rule, once you identify it, you have to accept it, right? If you don't accept it, then you have to demote this friend as a lesser important friend and move them kind of to more of an acquaintance. And if you stay close with them and you stay a best friend, then you cannot allow yourself to be triggered by their flaw, right?

So let me give you an example. Okay. I had this friend. I'm going to change his name for the podcast purposes because he's deceased now. So we'll just say his name was Joe. He was a friend of mine from probably age 20 up until his death. Gay guy, realtor, total blast, loved him. Massive compulsive liar. So one of the first times I really started realizing that he was a liar was

He calls me and he invites me to go to his 40th birthday party in Miami. And at the time, I'm probably 22, 23. So he was older than I was, but just a total blast. So much fun. And I'm like, yeah, I want to go. And he's like, oh, you're going to be so glad you did because Madonna is going to be at my party. So I'm like, wow, man, this is going to be amazing. I'm going to Miami. Madonna is going to be there. This is going to be incredible.

So I go to Miami. I go to his party. There's about seven or eight people there. Much to my surprise, Madonna no shows. Right. Shockingly. So then I get home and I'm at the bagel shop and I'm at the little beverage station. And this guy I know is like, hey, Jennifer, how are you doing? I'm like, great. He goes, you look tan. I go, well, I just got back from Miami. He goes, what were you doing in Miami? I said, well, I went to Joe's 40th birthday party. He goes, Joe's not 40. Yeah.

I graduated from high school with him. He's 46. That's impressive. So now we have, so I'm starting to realize. So then as the friendship goes on and it goes on, I remember right when Barack Obama won. He's like, I'm going to the inauguration. I was a huge donor. I worked on his campaign and he's invited me to the inauguration.

And I'm like, but what part of the inauguration are you going to be like, you know, in the mall? Are you actually going to the White House and to the balls like where Beyonce's singing and all that? He's like, oh, no, like I'm going to be in the White House. So, of course, I'm like, text me pics. Much to my surprise, he goes to the inauguration.

of the first African-American president of this country. And he returns home with not one photograph. Do you want to know why? Why? Because he never left the state. Right. Of course. And then it just keeps escalating. And I remember he gets real into Facebook and he's like one of these posts on Facebook all the time. And he's like, today's my birthday. I got two incredible phone calls today.

Lady Gaga called me. Shut up! And Barack Obama called me. And then you have all these stray cats in the comment section. Oh my God, that's amazing, Joe. You're such a good friend. You have the coolest friends. And these other friends of mine and I, we love him because we've accepted this fatal flaw. We've accepted that in order to be his friend, you have to accept that he is a compulsive liar. His lies didn't appear to be harmful. They were...

bizarre, not believable. I mean, he told me he went to the Vanity Fair party at George Clooney's house and all this stuff. These lies are so big. They're huge. But let me just tell you where it gets even better. Ultimately. So this guy, this friend of mine, Joe, for all these years, he was fun, colorful character in my life. And he told these fantastical lies, right? And then

It's almost like he, quote unquote, manifested his death in the nature that he died. So all of a sudden I get a phone call from my friend and they're like, Joe's dead. And I'm like, what? How did it happen? And they're like, Jason, this is an alias, his longtime partner and lover accidentally ran over him. I'm not laughing. And I'm like, oh my gosh, that's horrible. That's terrible. They were both like,

drunkard skunks, and they had kind of a volatile relationship. And so the lover ran over my friend Joe. He's dead. Well, Joe had a side piece lover who happened to have the iPad and the Facebook account of my compulsive liar friend. So after my friend dies, he continues to make posts on Facebook about

Constantly. And I'm watching it because I can't believe it. I'm like, Joe is the only person I know that in death would still be spinning things on Facebook. Right. So he's posting on Facebook that,

about like details about when his funeral is and details about the belongings inside his home, like all sorts of information. Well, then one day I log on and Joe reveals, who's been dead for a week now, I have some really sad news. Jason has died today. That's the partner. Yeah, the partner. I will keep you posted.

What I know. So I call this mutual friend of ours that lives in San Diego who is reeling from all of this. And I was too, but he was really, really struggling with it. And I said, I have some really bad news. Jason died. And he goes, what? Oh my God, I just can't take it anymore. The story is just so crazy. How did you find out? How do you know? And I go, well, Joe posted about it on his Facebook page. And the thing is, is...

Like that was the most beautiful. I mean, it's a terrible death, but it's like his death matched the fantastical lies in his life. And it just kept going and going and going. But long story short to this fatal flaw theory.

I accepted that this was the kind of guy he was, that he told these lies. And I'm going to have a huge compliment for you. What? I think you were very, very good at the fatal flaw rule with friends. You never sweat the small stuff in friendships. Oh, no. That's right. Ever. That's right. Because I was just thinking, I don't have really any friends with fatal flaws.

Well, every friend of yours has a fatal flaw. No, I know, but I just don't see them really. You accept them. You're very, very good at this. When I read this article, I was like, you know, Pumps is really, really good at this because you just accept. Like if I'm being bossy, you never take it personally. You're like, oh, that's just the way she is. She's just bossy. She'll get over it. She'll be fine in like two minutes. You never personalize anything that any of your friends do and make it about you. Well, thank you. That's so nice. You are so good at this.

I'm just so bad at picking. My fatal flaw is my picker. That's just my overall fatal personality flaw. You know what your fatal flaw is? What?

You believe false things to be true. And you start saying, I'm swear on all three of my kids' lives. Pull out a stack of Bibles. Pull out a stack of Korans. Pull out a stack of Torahs. I'm swearing up and down. And then I'll Google something. I go, pumps, you're dead wrong. Oh, yeah, pumps wrong. You just blow it off. You go from like killing off your kids to.

So now I know when you tell me something, I'm like, I know she believes this is true. Right. But I know it's not true. I get the misinformation thing working. What's my fatal flaw? I really don't think you have a fatal flaw. See, this is how sweet you are, Pops. No, I mean, you're bossy and get snippy and all that. But I mean, it's just not personal. Right. I mean, it's just not a, you're not bad about it. I think it's the bossiness. Probably.

I mean, that would stand out the most, I think. But I don't consider that a fatal flaw. Well, I mean, I think what we're saying, I mean, fatal flaw sounds more dramatic than what it is. But I think that every friend has a shortcoming. Yes. Some sort of shortcoming. And the rule in this is, and I think it's really helpful for people.

out what that person's shortcoming is. Fatal flaw probably is a little bit more dramatically named than what it means to be. But like you swearing up and down that X, Y, Z happened. And I know I can disprove it in 2.5 seconds. You know, it,

It's just, and then me, if I'm bossing with you, most of the time you just acquiesce and you're like, I'm just going to let her boss me around for a second and then she'll be done and we're done. But you just accept what these flaws in people are. And if you cannot accept them, like if I could not have accepted Joe's compulsive lying, then I couldn't be close friends with him anymore. Right.

Right. Yeah. So I think the message is don't be a victim of somebody else's shortcomings if you've identified exactly what those shortcomings are, you know?

Does that make sense? Yeah, totally. Like if it's going to bug you enough that you feel like you have to talk to every other friend about it and stuff, it's probably time to get distance. Yeah, if my bossiness started driving you crazy to where you bitched about it nonstop and you couldn't – Right. Then you would just have to break up with me, which that just makes me even sad to say it. Yeah. No, well, I think it would happen before now. Yeah, I do too. Anyway, that's –

what i've been reading about on the world wide web look at tick tock with a new theory i know i know but i think it's really i think this one is a really helpful one i do too helping people understand that you have to accept if you're going to be in a relationship with somebody whether it's platonic friendship you know whatever the definition of the relationship is

You accept them wholly for who they are. And that isn't to say to not have boundaries with abusive behavior. That's not what we're talking about. Everybody takes everything to the extreme. We're talking about personal personality shortcomings. Right, because we all have them. And if you can't accept them, then that's when you draw the boundary and demote them to a lesser important friend. Yeah, I think it's good. I think it's a good...

Food for thought. Yep, I do too. All right. We have a very exciting guest today. We're going to get her had it's, maybe play a round of had it or hit it with her. So let's welcome to I've Had It Detox. Do you suffer from having a parasocial relationship with two barely competent middle-aged women?

If so, please go to I've had it podcast.com or to any social media site. I'm talking X, formerly Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, et cetera, and click the link in bio and come see us at the hot shit tour. Make your parasocial relationship real at the hot shit tour. Right pumps. Tell them it's so fun. We hope to see you there.

Pumps, I am so grateful that when we set up this podcast and some of our listeners were like, you've got to get merch. We were like, how on earth are we going to do it? I'm so grateful that we discovered Shopify. There's no way we could have sent out merch and done all the things that are necessary to sell merch without Shopify. Listener, Shopify is the global commerce platform that helps you sell at every stage of your business.

It doesn't matter how large or small your business is. If you're in the launch stage or the first real life store stage, all the way to, did we just hit a million dollars in sales stage? Shopify is there for you. And the greatest thing is they help you grow. Shopify helps you turn browsers into buyers with the internet's best converting checkout. 30%.

36% better on average compared to other leading commerce platforms. Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash had it all lowercase. Go to shopify.com slash had it now to grow your business no matter what stage you're in shopify.com slash had it.

Listener, for this episode of I've Had It, we've partnered with eHarmony, the dating app to find someone you can be yourself with. Pops, what's going on out there on the dating apps? It's unbelievable how many people try to be something they're not on dating apps.

And what I love about eHarmony is it's real people for real relationships. You heard her, listener. That's why we've partnered with eHarmony because dating on eHarmony is different. eHarmony knows that to find something real, eHarmony is designed to help you bring out your personality on your profile with their unique personality test. They

They even highlight similarities with your potential matches. And that's when the magic happens. When you form genuine connections and authenticity leads to intimacy. Listener, give eHarmony a shot and get started with their compatibility quiz so you can find someone you can be yourself with. eHarmony, get who gets you.

Listener, for this episode of I've Had It, we've partnered with eHarmony, the dating app to find someone you can be yourself with. Pops, what's going on out there on the dating apps? It's unbelievable how many people try to be something they're not on dating apps.

And what I love about eHarmony is it's real people for real relationships. You heard her, listener. That's why we've partnered with eHarmony because dating on eHarmony is different. eHarmony knows that to find something real, eHarmony is designed to help you bring out your personality on your profile with their unique personality test. They

They even highlight similarities with your potential matches. And that's when the magic happens. When you form genuine connections and authenticity leads to intimacy. Listener, give eHarmony a shot and get started with their compatibility quiz so you can find someone you can be yourself with. eHarmony, get who gets you.

Let's welcome to I've Had It, Detox. Detox, how are you today? I am well. How are you? Thanks for having me. We are so excited to have you. And you were one of the first guests.

guest that was ever requested on our podcast, because it's my understanding that you use the phrase, I've had it frequently and often. It's very true. It's so funny that I'm doing this now because everyone has always told me that I need to be a guest on this podcast. And I'm also a huge fan. I listen to the cat in the pod. And so when I got the invite, it was immediate, immediate yes for me because I

I've had it has become synonymous, I guess, with the detox brand of being particularly fed up with all kinds of different things. That's right. I love it. Well, tell us, I mean, just right out of the gates, what have you had it with? How much time do we have on today's pod is the thing. I've had it with everything. Currently right now I've had it with, I injured my foot New Year's Eve. I've had it with my foot. I've had it with feeling like a geriatric woman. Um,

who is hobbling around my house like a crazy cat lady, even though I'm allergic to cats. I've had it with the fact that my coffee isn't an Irish coffee because I ran out of whiskey. I've had it with the state of the world. I've had it with my own stuff. I've had it with the state of this house. So if you're in the market to buy a house in the burbs of Chicago, please take this bitch off my hands.

So you're in the middle of a remodel, you said? Correct. That's wrong. My sister convinced me to buy a house across the street from her and to make it my own. It's an older home. And so far, it's been great until I started doing all of the, like, you know, facelifting and remodeling. I'd rather be spending the money on my own facelift than this fucking house. Amen. Oh.

You know, I'm an interior designer when I'm not podcasting. And the world of remodeling and house construction is a minefield of I've had it. It is a non-stop.

stop shit show of grievances. And if you're living in the house while you have this work going on, it's even more miserable. Yeah. I have been living in it. I want to, I want to kill myself every day. I want to set the house on fire and collect all the insurance money. I don't know. Like every time I go out of town with this often, I'm like, please Lord, let something happen. Please let something happen to that fucking house while I'm gone. So I could go, Oh no.

Oops. You said that you moved to the suburbs. Yeah. How is the drag queen scene in the burbs detox? I think I might be the only bitch in the suburbs. Yeah.

I'm for sure the talk of my neighborhood. Shout out to Skokie Towers. Shout out to Skokie Towers because some of my crazy fans might pop up and look for me. But I'm definitely the eccentric, you know, out of a lot of eccentric older ladies in the neighborhood, I am probably the most eccentric lady. During the pandemic, I was doing a lot of like drag at the house and

So it was not uncommon to see me, you know, wearing next to nothing and huge hair running back and forth in the streets and in the snow in Skokie. So all the neighborhoods at first were like, now they get it. Now they understand, you know, they have a celebrity living in the neighborhood. And they get invited to all the crazy parties we have, which is also pretty fierce. Although none of them show up because our parties do get a little wild. Well, that's the fun part.

That's what I'm saying. I'm like, if you want to be my neighbor, you got to. Those are part of the perks. It's not Mr. Rogers over here. Not Mr. Rogers. It's Mrs. Robinson over this bitch. I live in the suburbs too. And I might be, I don't think my neighbors love me very much either because I like let my dog out. I just, I don't conform with homeowner shit. I'm just like, mind your own business.

And I've also been, someone thought I was a drag queen. So we're kind of the same a little bit. I'm like a junior. Listen, everyone's a drag queen. Everyone to me is a drag queen. It all just depends. You know, you might not be good at it, but you're doing a good job.

This is a beautiful American story. Drag queen moves to the suburbs, is embraced by neighbors, super popular in the neighborhood. I love this. I mean, more suburbs need more drag queens. I sound the alarm bells on the podcast all the time that I'm worried about the suburbs. I'm worried about what's going on in the suburbs. And I think I have found the solution through you, Detox. The drag queens need to go bring culture to the suburbs. Right.

It's true. You thought that you were worried about the kids and the schools. No, worry about your neighborhoods because we're coming to fiercify every fucking neighborhood in the world. I love it. Fiercify. And make you live a more fabulous life. And if you don't like it, get the fuck out and get to the city. And then see how much you like it then. Okay. I want to ask you in our correspondence with you prior to booking you, you said that you had had it with slow walkers.

Girl, okay. So listen, maybe this is because I worked retail for a long time when I was younger and I am an avid mall shopper. Get out of my way. Get the fuck out of my way. If you see me coming through, and maybe it's also because I'm six foot one, I have long, beautiful legs. I don't know.

I treat every moment of walking like I am Linda Evangelista and everything is a catwalk. And I always have like a song in the back of my head that I'm strutting to. But if you see me, first of all, if you see me coming through, you will notice me. I'm hard to miss. So such a knockout. Right. Such a knockout. Clear a path, but also know that I will run you over if you don't get out of my way. Airports, airports, airports.

Slow people at an airport when they're just taking their married to... I'm sorry that you have a five-hour layover.

I do not get the fuck out of my way. I will take you out. Yeah, I'll take you. Or if you're on a movie, one of those like walking, you know, movable walkways. Yeah. And they take up the whole space. And it clearly says if you're standing, get to the right. Right. Yeah, we have the same complaints. I got to a fight with a man in an airport one time because his whole family was taking up the place and they weren't moving. And I was like ahead because I saw it happening. Like, could you guys scoot? They're like, we're not scooting for what?

And so of course I'm walking and I'm not slowing down and I nearly take out his wife and kids and he had something to say about it. I was like, well, sir, if you would fucking listen to me when I tell you to get out of my way, I'm coming through. Realize that Bob, the builder over here is going to bulldoze you. Move it sister. I want to lean into a nuance of the slow Walker syndrome that you're discussing because I

It bothers me so much that people just mosey and they take their sweet ass time. It bothers me to the core of my existence. And I'm going to give you an example of this. My husband,

will walk incredibly slowly sometimes. So we'll be in the airport. We have two sons and I am a woman on a mission. We're going to go from point A to point B. We're going to go to the gate. If you have to stop at the restroom, we can do that. But then cheerio, let's go. We're on the move. He's always 10, 12 steps back behind us. However, when he wants to be somewhere quickly, all of a sudden,

He's running like Forrest Gump in the middle of the airport. I've never seen it. It's like one of these possessed mall walkers pumping the arms and everything. I'm like, oh, look who can walk fast now. Look who's in a hurry now. Look who has the ability to walk quickly when they need to. And I think this is like some walking hypocrisy that needs to be dissected and exposed, Detox. Right.

What's your husband's name again? Josh. Josh. Listen, the Annie Ann's pretzels are not that fresh. You don't need to run, Josh. I agree with you because I travel in packs typically. Um,

A lot of times it's going through airports. A lot of times it's going to a show. A lot of times it's whatever it is that I'm doing. But I don't have a lot of time in my day. My day is very like it's meticulously scheduled and planned out. And typically what I want to do is I want to rush to wherever I'm going so I can take a nap so I can be ready to work and be fresh faced and young and vibrant for this group of assholes who have paid for a meet and greet that I have to be ready for in two hours.

So that's my main thing of why I need to rush through an airport so I can, oh, perhaps I can get to the lounge and scrap a fucking one chip and some dry hummus down my throat.

and pound the shittiest pinot grigio imaginable before that's my one meal of the day something that's why i that's why i like to go fast but i have a lot of friends who are not tall they're like you know vertically challenged and have little legs and they get upset with me when they're walking with me because they can't keep up your husband however is

Josh, you should probably put on a leash. I agree. That way he can keep up with you when you need him to keep up with you. Or you yank him a little bit. I agree. I like it. Or you yank him back when he takes off to go look at, I don't know, who's ever playing on the sports bar. That's probably what it is. I have no idea what men do. Are you kidding?

He actually, he would love running around the mall with you. Right. He'd prefer that. I mean, if he was walking to the Prada store, you'll notice that his walking will increase several miles per hour. I might have some news for you about that. Okay. Let me let you in on a little secret detox. So he just discovered manscaping recently.

And you want to know where he went to get advice and to ask for his manscaping equipment? Please tell me. Best Buy. So we had all wondered if Josh might be a little gay. For years. Until he went to Best Buy. Until he went to Best Buy. Then you know he's just a good old metrosexual. You love them. Yes. Metrosexuals are kind of a thing of the past. Bring them back.

Yeah, I agree. Okay. I noticed that like, I love your self-confidence and high self-esteem and how you talked about your dynamite legs and ass. So let's just go over some of your body parts and you rate them on a scale of zero to 10. Okay. Okay. Ass. 10. Oh, I love that. Okay. 10. Calves. 10. Okay. And they're natural. Okay.

I've had great calves since I was a kid. Thighs. Thighs could use some work. I'm going to give my thought. I mean, they're beautiful and they're tones, but they could be a little thicker. So I will give my, I'll give my thighs a seven. Ooh. Okay. Waist. We're not talking about my waist right now. Post COVID. You got to do it. Come on. You just gave your ass and your calves tens. I want to give my, I'm going to give my waist a five right now. I'm happy with that.

What about your back? I have a beautiful back. Back is 10. I love that. I have a beautiful back. I feel like I should get naked and show you all these things. I don't think it's that type of a show. What about your lips? Heidi? That's a 10. That's a 10. There's no question. A consensus 10. Which set? No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Okay, Detox, now we're going to play a game with you called Hat It or Hit It. Oh my God. Welcome to Hat It or Hit It. I would hit it. I hit it every day, sometimes twice a day. All right.

Had it or hit it, heterosexual weddings. I love weddings. Hit it. It's hit it. I love weddings. I love love. I am going to die alone. So I don't love that much. And I do love to be like that crazy spinster aunt who shows up to everyone's weddings and is miserable the whole time and is just there to flirt with the waitstaff and eat the desserts. So

If you're looking for that, hit me up. You show up to that wedding with your megawatt ass back and calves. That's right. High quality, 12 out of 10 lips. That's right. Okay. Had it or hit it using the term girl boss. Had it. I've had it too. Had it. I've had it. I've had it with girl boss. It was funny. Like when girl boss started coming around, I got into it because I could tell that people were making fun of it.

And so I love anybody making fun of anything. Right, me too. Because then I can jump on board to make fun of it with them. And I'm also just such an old, like I'm not on like social media, even though it's part of my job, I'm not on social media that often, like understanding what the new lingo and all the fucking terminology and all that shit is. So I always feel like I'm catching on to things.

very, very late. And so I started doing it. By the time I was like, oh, girl boss, girl brunch, girl dinner, whatever the fuck girly, girly girl shit is. People were like, all right, boomer. And I'm like, maybe I...

Maybe I am a boomer. I just didn't know it. I don't like the girl boss thing because there's no word for a boy boss. Right. There's like, it's just a boss. You're just a boss. It's a man. It's the patriarchy. Of course, a boss is going to be a man. Right. Naturally. And there's no phrase like, you know, the phrase working mom that's used all the time. There's no such thing as a working dad. No. No. So I've had it with girl boss.

Girlboss culture. Just do your shit and let the shit shine. You don't have to hashtag Girlboss. Exactly. Okay. Had it or hit it Valentine's Day. I've had it. Had it. I've had it too. I haven't had a Valentine to celebrate Valentine's Day with since before I was born, I think. I don't know. Um,

And yeah, just a bunch of pink blow up hearts and shit everywhere and fucking old candy that was left over from Christmas that they just slapped some new packaging on. I'm good. I'm good. Yeah, I would rather suck your dick under a bleacher somewhere. Merry Christmas and happy Valentine.

That being said, if you're in the Los Angeles area, you can catch me at my Valentine's show at the Amber and Mary's in Long Beach. Wednesday, Valentine's night. We're second dicks and celebrating Valentine's Day. Where I will assure you, I'll probably just be cutting myself and crying in the corner singing a ballad. Eating one of those Mary's famous pot pies.

I don't even know if that gig is confirmed yet. I'm just saying it's a hold in my calendar. Oh my God, that is so... Here's the thing about Valentine's Day.

It's so... It's such a painfully awkward holiday. If you go to a restaurant... It's packed. You can look around. It's packed. And you see, like, you see the guy, you know, that's been there with his wife forever. And she's all dolled up. And he's looking over at her thinking, God, I'm going to have to fuck her tonight. And then you see the woman over there and she's looking at her husband who has not aged well. And she's like, God, I'm probably going to have to give him a blowjob tonight. Right. And then there's the brand new couples. And it's just...

It just seems like it's such a performative holiday. Yeah. Like I've never felt like, oh my God, it's Valentine's Day. Somebody has to get me something. I think probably when I was younger and like high school and college, I felt that it was important. And as I've gotten older, I'm like, it's a total bullshit made up day. It's a hassle too. Yeah, it is a pain in the ass. And it's a restaurant full of awkward two tops. Right.

And it's just this really weird, awkward holiday. I agree. I agree. I used to love Valentine's Day when I was younger, like back in elementary school and shit, when you used to like, oh, everyone would design their little box and get their little cards. I love the designing boxes. But, you know, when I opened up my fifth little Valentine's card that was probably like the Hulk or some like fucking Care Bears thing that said, two faggot loves XOXO.

I was like, I don't think I like this holiday. That's terrible. Kids are awful. That's another thing I've had it with is children. Yeah. Okay. Thank God I had my tubes tied. All right. Had it or hid it. Gypsy Rose Blanchard. Hit it. I have been obsessed with Gypsy Rose Blanchard.

since the trial. I love true crime. I love a murder. I really do. I love a murder. I love a justified murder. You know, it's, I feel so, it was justified. I feel terrible that that's the resort, like the way that she had to go about finding her freedom. I love a justified murder. But I love a justifiable homicide. I do. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a special bonus. I like to watch true crime shows too. And if the murder is justified, that's just the icing on the cake. It's so good. I'm like, ha. Got what you deserve. Yeah. Dee Dee got it. I honestly wish that Gypsy Rose wouldn't have had to go through prison. I understood she did commit a crime. I understand all of those things. But just what she had to go through in order to exist was heartbreaking. Yeah.

and heart-wrenching and it was you know for somebody who had been sheltered so much and and and been so forced into this particular role none of us can imagine having gone through that you know yeah um but maybe this will be a great conversation and hopefully it will be for her i already see that she's making her rounds on all the you know daytime television shows right

She's blowing up on Instagram and her Instagram is unhinged and I'm here for that as well. Okay. I have a quick follow-up question. I just, I'm a hundred percent with you obsessed with it. Um, I have now I'm caught up on all the documentaries, everything I can watch about it. I've consumed.

I think she was severely abused. She is a victim. She gets more grace and more space to find her way out of all of this than anybody I can think of. Right. But let me just ask you this. Do you think it's a little bit of a red flag that she married a guy that wrote her a letter in prison and then they started dating and then they got married immediately? What? 100%? Yeah. Okay.

100%. You can't defend that. I mean, that's just bad. Listen, Pumps and I have, we have epic bad pickers. We mentioned Josh to you earlier. That's just the tip of the iceberg. Josh makes Pumps' ex-husband. I mean, Josh looks like a king of England. Yeah, totally. So we, you know, Gypsy, we get it. But I have to say when I watched that other documentary and I'm like,

he wrote her a letter because pumps and I've had it with people writing letters to people in prison. Would you ever do that? Would you ever write? Okay. Yeah. No, no. In fact, I did. It's funny. Well, I didn't go to prison, but I went, I was in jail for three months when I was younger because I was a bad girl. And which is also where I fell in love with Puerto Rican men, different story. Yeah.

But I had to write a lot of letters while in jail, mainly because I have beautiful penmanship. And also...

And also I'm an eloquent writer and whatever. And I was trying to make friends with all the Puerto Rican boys. So they would always have me write their girlfriends on the outside, these beautiful love letters. And I would get my heart broken doing it because they'd be like, oh baby, I miss you so much. And I'd be like, there's this one, I'm not going to name his name, but I called him Curly. Curly, if you're out there listening, if you're still around the world, wherever you are, Curly, I miss you. I love you. Yeah.

Curly would make me he would like sit and dictate it to me behind me like a fucking old squire and write all these things to his beloved on the outside and I would just like have one like well-debt tear and I'd be like Curly you're really making me write all this to her who is she that I'm not laughing

um but people are desperate for love i also feel like people are desperate for attention and i think that anytime somebody is writing somebody in prison especially a high profile case in prison i think i don't i have to i have to uh be mindful of what their ulterior motives are because there's just some some

genuine concerns there for me. I agree. I just have one quick follow-up question about your three-month stint in jail. Did you have any sexual activity in jail? I sucked a lot of cock, I did. laughter

That's as far as it went. But I did. I was in a dorm with 60 men and I was young. I was just curious. My mind went there. My mind immediately went there. I'm surprised at how much dick I did suck, to be honest. But also, let's be real. I was very effeminate. I had pigtails. I...

was kind of like the queen of the dorm, which was really funny. Hot as shit. We already established you're pretty much a 10 on all body parts except for the waist, which I'm sure at that time. Back then, baby, the waist was a 12. Yeah. Okay. All right. I get it. You brought it. I did. Even the CO, there was one of the COs that was the correctional officers for those of you who aren't from the inside like me. Yeah.

He would sneak me into their workroom and bring me food from the outside. Be like, here's some regular food for you. So what bar do you work at when you get out? Did you have to give the CO a blowjob? I didn't. And I don't know if I would have.

But he was very nice. He also let me stay up late and watch Sex and the City. He puts the TV right in front of my bed every night. Oh, that was nice. He liked you. He was kind. That's nice. I was the queen of that jail cell. You were really popular. So popular.

I love it. Well, Detox, this has been so fun. Your dry humor is like right in my wheelhouse. My face hurts from laughing so hard. Thank you so much for joining us. I'm so glad that we have a partner in grievances and having it.

Good luck in the suburbs. I love that. I love this idea. Come visit. Next time you guys are in Chicago, roll up to Club Skokie and we'll get wild. I want to go to Club Skokie. Yeah. I think this is something that we should all champion. Move the drag queens to the burbs. I think it'd be a huge wake-up call for the rest of the world. I think it'd make people happier. I really do. I do too. I think drag queens make everyone happy. Everybody happy. You cannot be unhappy. Our garage sales are fierce. The garage sales are sick.

I bet they are. Oh, that's huge. I bet you're exactly right. Well, Detox, thank you so, so much. Thank you for being here. Thanks for having me. Bye. Happy New Year. Bye. I absolutely love Detox. Love her humor. Yeah. It's so dry. It's so dry. She just throws out these one-liners and I'm over here like gasping, laughing so hard. I love her. All right, listener, listen up.

Join our cult on Patreon. Give us five stars on Spotify, on Apple, wherever. Come join us on the Hot Shit Tour. That's just hot shit. Hot shit. Voice memo to our Instagram account with what you've had it with. That's good, Pops. That's good. Pulling in the clutch. We will see you next Tuesday or Thursday or both. I'll tell you what I've had it with.

Listener, for this episode of I've Had It, we've partnered with eHarmony, the dating app to find someone you can be yourself with. Pops, what's going on out there on the dating apps? It's unbelievable how many people try to be something they're not on dating apps.

And what I love about eHarmony is it's real people for real relationships. You heard her, listener. That's why we've partnered with eHarmony because dating on eHarmony is different. eHarmony knows that to find something real, eHarmony is designed to help you bring out your personality on your profile with their unique personality test. They

They even highlight similarities with your potential matches. And that's when the magic happens. When you form genuine connections and authenticity leads to intimacy. Listener, give eHarmony a shot and get started with their compatibility quiz so you can find someone you can be yourself with. eHarmony, get who gets you.