Burning Man
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Jay Welch, let me tell you what I've had it with today. Let's hear it. So I went to this yoga studio. I was going to do yoga. And they make you sign all this shit. So I gave my phone number. So when I'm leaving afterwards, I tell the girl straight up to her face, I can't ever come back because it's too hot. It was 85 degrees. Right. So I come out and tell her, and I was like, take me off your list. Like, I will never voluntarily go anywhere that's 85 degrees.

And they text me all the time. And I've texted back. I'm never coming. It's too hot. It's not personal to you or yoga. Right. But I just... You would do like...

50 degree yoga. I could do 50 degree yoga. Right. But not 85 degree yoga. And they always try to sell me on, well, it's good for your joints. And I'm like, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck what it does. I don't care if it makes me look like J-Lo. Right. I'm not going anywhere for 85 degrees. No hot yoga. No hot yoga. I'm hot enough. And they're harassing you. Harassing.

Had it. Had it. Had it. All right, pumps. So before Jen and Neely came to Oklahoma City, I FaceTimed them to see what they were up to. And this is no surprise where they were. They were at REI. What does that stand for? REI, it's like a camping store. Oh, I've never heard of it. You've never heard of REI? No. It's like they sell like tents and shit. So I said, well, what are y'all buying at REI?

And I had to have them bring it because I've got to show you this. A tent. So this is a bucket. Yes. It looks like a bucket, right? It's got a rope. Do you have to go get your own water at the well or something? Wait. So there's a bucket. I'm taking the lid off of the bucket. Audience, wait. Hang on here. Oh. It's a fucking toilet seat. It's like a toilet potty on top of a bucket. Did you poop in that? Did you pee in that?

Oh my gosh. What do you do for fun? Poop in a bucket? You can imagine my horror. And so I said, why on earth would you buy that? This is 2022. We have modernized plumbing, waste, sewage. It's been modernized for decades actually. And they announced to me, well, oh, we're getting this for Burning Man.

And I was like, so wait, so like, is Burning Man, like, do you sleep there? And they're like, yes. And so then I said, what is Burning Man? It's like an outdoor concert, right? I thought it was just a concert. That's what I thought. Like a day trip to a music festival, right? Where people dress like hipsters and run around playing dress up like they're unicorns. And I'm all for it. If that's what, swing for the fences, knock yourselves out. They're going crazy.

For eight nights in 110 degree weather and there are tinted neighborhoods.

There's like, we're in such and such. Exactly. There's lined up rows of tents for people to sleep in. It's a full on infrastructure out in Nevada. With no plumbing. There are porta potties. I'd rather pee outside than on a porta potty. In the middle of the night, especially Jen. She's not going to want to climb out of her tent and walk over to the port. So is the porta potty in the tent? Yes.

This will be in the bucket. I mean, okay, but your port-a-loog or lug-a-log, the porta-potties in the neighborhoods of the infrastructure that all these fucking people go to and a hundred and three. How many people are there? 70,000. It's for that week. They pay money to go. They pay. Do they have like a shower? No. No.

I mean, I went in 2018 and I showered maybe once. Like you bring your own portable, you know, you fill up the water and you just. That's not a shower. That's not a shower. That's pouring water over your head. Yeah, but I still had shampoo and everything. That's not even a hooker bath.

Yeah, no. That's not even tits and bits. No, no, no. That is not a shower. In no way does that resemble hygiene. When do people start smelling? You have to think people smell. 70,000 people, 110 degrees, a port-a-potty in their living area. You're out in the desert. The alkaline is really good for you. You don't really smell that much. You're good. I mean, you still have the whore's bath. You take care of yourself every day. Do you shave your armpits? Yeah, I bring a razor. Daily? Yeah.

I don't know if I would do it daily. I don't grow up... As long as it's not like... You shave your vagine at Burning Man? I'll try to be clean before I go. Yeah. Where would you do your vagine at Burning Man? In a portable? You do it in the tent? In my tent. And that's where you do all your private stuff. Just have a vagine cleaning in the tent? Now, who all sleeps in the tent? Just the two of you? Yes. But you're assigned to a neighborhood with...

Within the 70,000. Yeah. You have your, you have a camp. So this year will be 22 people in one camp. I remember you talking about some sort of like meal plan and casserole at Burning Man where y'all take turns cooking at 110 degree heat. Like over a fire?

We use propane. Give us an example of something. What are you preparing? I'm Turkish, so I will be bringing some burekas, which is like puff pastry with cheese and spinach. It's a really nice meal. We have a pizza oven, so I'll just pop it in the pizza oven. At Burning Man, you have a pizza oven? Mm-hmm.

So, okay, let me ask you this. So are you going to take a shit in this bucket? Yes or no? If I have to, if I absolutely have to, I will. But then I will get rid of it. Where do you take the shit that you're done? To the portos and dump it in there. We have a shit ton of Clorox wipe, all kinds of antibacterial wipes. Do you have a blow-up mattress or do you just sleep on the ground? We have the whole setup. It's really nice. We have a comforter.

It's 110 degrees, pee in the bucket. Okay, it's not always 110. Super nice. Super nice. In the evenings, it gets down to 45, 50. It gets cold, which is another reason you don't want to leave your tent and you just pee in the bucket. Okay, what if you're in the middle of the night when you get up to pee and it turns out it's a poop? So you're in a tent taking a dump in the middle of the night while someone's asleep. I will kill you, Jen, if you poop by accident. Okay.

I mean, it happens. I make no promises. It happens. It happens to our species. If your relationship can survive eight nights in a tent with a bucket to shit in, I think it's golden. I do too. I mean, how could you not? What drugs is everybody on? All kinds of drugs. I would think that would be the only thing that would make it even remotely palatable. So what's the age group? Gotta be young. I'm telling you, it's from age three to...

People take their kids? People take their kids. They bring their nannies so that they can party in the evenings while the nanny watches the kids.

I would suggest if you just leave your child at home with the nanny. Yeah, that would be optimal. As much as I've had it with everything that's been said so far, and the people paying money to go to the... Had it, had it, had it. I have one more question. Is there a concert? Or is it just people in tents shitting in buckets? No, it's a whole thing. It's an experience.

What Burning Man is, is there are art structures all over the playa. Everyone comes in and is gifting something to the 70,000. So there's the man and there's also the temple. The temple is this structure that's, you know, your sacred place where people go each year and they like drop something off there where they want to just let go of it. And then on that Sunday after the burning of the man,

that burns down too. So you're letting go of. So I could like drop, drop pumps off there. You totally can. Yeah. Like, I think they're more talking like a picture of your ex-husband, right? I mean, I saw a wedding dress last time that was hanging in the temple, ready to be burned. If this isn't alarming enough, when I was FaceTiming, that's child's play compared to what they told me happens next.

And you're going to lose your fucking mind because I'm still not over it. They have these tents and this activity called the cuddle puddle. And people bring life-size stuffed animals. And all the people go into these tents and cuddle each other and the stuffed animals.

in the cuddle puddle and i want to remind you and the audience at large these are adults paying money to go to 110 degree heat in a tent shit in a bucket and cuddle a goddamn stuffed animal pumps wouldn't you cuddle with me

I would cuddle with you, but not in a cuddle puddle and not outside and not where I had to shit in a box. No thanks. We're not shitting in a box. Forget about the shitting in a box. I can't forget about that. That's a big deal. Right. But what about the cuddle puddle? They have like a restaurant. Like if you didn't bring food, you could go buy food. Like a concession stand, a food truck. There's no monetary. The only thing you could buy on the playa is ice. There's no money. No legal tender. Nope. Do people fuck each other for stuff?

I want nothing to do with organized fun, group activities, cuddle puddles. I'm all about pickleball. Seems like I know somebody that went and took like a motor home. Do people take motor homes there?

RVs, yeah. They take RVs. That's more like glamping. That's really glamorous. Yeah. For me, 70,000 people- Is enough now. It's an immediate now. 110 degrees is where you- Immediate now. I didn't even have to get into the plumbing issue. Stuffed animals, cuddling with other human beings that you don't know well. I don't even know where you get a lifestyle stuffed animal. You should see all this shit. She sent me an image. They have these crates-

And all this shit packed up that they're taking to Burning Man. Like, literally, like, they're moving out of their house. All this shit in Jen and Nellie's dining room. Are you going to get, like, get a little U-Haul? How do you get it all down there? We have a team that's working on all that. Our campmates. But look at you. You're right there. It's the oil painting of Pops with her smoking glove. Pretty as a picture.

So that's all our stuff. You take your bicycles too? We take our bicycles. We bring our own water. So all the blue things are water? The biggest thing is radical self-reliance. So we rely on ourselves. I support that. I support radical self-reliance. I support that too in a four season, fluffed up with room service. 100%. 100%. The best kind of self-reliance. The help of the butler and the concierge. Right. All of it.

We have a guest who is somewhat of a Burning Man aficionado. This guy has such a hard-on for Burning Man that he's a bi-continental Burning Man boy. Wow. Disconnected. I guess it takes all kinds. Hi, Bobbitt. Hi, how's it going? Hi, Bobbitt. Any relation to Lorena?

There is none. No. We're probably the last generation that will remember that. Nobody younger than us is ever going to understand this. Given my marriage, I think it was a missed opportunity on my part. I should have followed her lead. Would have saved me lots of time and energy. Right. I mean, what I like about what she did is like, you know, women have thought that. It's just like, and then you get over it. Rational thought resumes. You realize that you can't do that. It's homicidal, somewhat sociopathic.

She committed. She committed. Threw it out the car window. Yeah. And then she took it, drove off with it and threw that penis out of the window. Yeah. She actually morally did the correct thing. Yet he was able to profit off it and do his like weird porno and all that kind of stuff. Yeah. And he was clearly like a piece of crap. Totally. Totally. He's a bad person. So Bobbitt, we just, we just found out.

I mean, I'd heard of Burning Man. Pumps had heard of Burning Man. I'm Jennifer and this is Pumps, by the way. I thought it was like a music festival, a one day event. And

Kind of like an overnight Coachella kind of thing. Yeah. That's what I thought. Yeah. I had no idea that what goes on because these ladies, I FaceTime them and they're at REI buying a toilet bucket. Just alarming revelation after alarming revelation that leads to the cuddle puddles, which I cannot wrap my head around. All right. How many burns?

I've been to four burns at Black Rock City. And then my wife and I have also been to Burning Man, what's called the Africa burn in South Africa. So do you sleep outside or do you take like a mobile camper?

So I've done it a couple of different ways. I've done tent twice and I've rented an RV once and I had a camper van one time. The RV was nice because I had like not a generator, it's an air conditioning, I had a microwave. So I was like, there you go. I did it up. I had my little bathroom and everything. Yeah. You're not, you're not shitting in a bucket and a tent.

in front of your spouse. But that was special because that was the second year anniversary of my wife and I meeting and falling in love with Burning Man. So we wanted to go back and do it up with style. But ever since then, it's just nothing but tense. And I will say, like, I use the portos, but I'm still a little bougie. Like, I have a portable bidet, you know, because I got to stay a little clean. I like that. That's the other key.

He's way more, a much better burner than you two are. Listen, he doesn't need a bucket. He can use a bottle if he needed to. That is true. That's the inline and out. So he needs a bottle. That's all he needs. But the bidet is kind of a stroke of genius. It's like a gallon jug with a funnel and a hose. I can be lazy if I'm too drunk and I don't have to go to the porthole. Let me ask you this. Do you go to the cuddle puddle?

I do not go to the big one. No, it's kind of scares me. It terrifies me. It's literally a dark room and there's like 100 people and they're just touching you and I don't want them to touch me. I don't know them. I agree. Does it smell?

I don't know. Someone just opened the door for me last time and like showed me what it was. And I immediately turned around. I was like, no, thank you. I don't need any of that. But like, I'm down to cuddle with people I'm friends with and I've made friends with, you know, that's fine. I just don't want to be in a dark room with people I've ever met. So do you cuddle at...

at Burning Man with other people in a small, like in your neighborhood? Yeah. Like our whole camp will end up doing like a cuddle at some point. I've cuddled with Bobbitt before. Are you spooning? Yeah. Is it, is it like a, like a row of spoons in a silverware drawer? Is it like a,

I think that's too organized for us. Okay. Pumps, as much as we're traveling, I really like to eat nuts, particularly pistachios. I love wonderful pistachios because they provide pistachios with no shells. My favorite flavor is the sea salt and vinegar.

You know, I really like jalapeno lime because I like a spicy nut, but they also have a wide range of flavors. There's a wonderful pistachios product for every taste bud and occasion from enjoying with family and friends or taking them with you on the go. Savory, salty, smoky, spicy, or sweet. Wonderful pistachios, no shells flavors are delicious snacks that consumers can feel good about.

Next time you're shopping for snacks and you are craving something crunchy and satisfying, ditch the bag of chips and grab Wonderful Pistachios No-Shells. Your body and your taste buds will thank us. Visit wonderfulpistachios.com to learn more. It just kind of happens naturally. Bodies just start like kind of forming and you're like, oh, coziness with your fur coats on. Yeah. My question would be,

Are the body, I mean, like, are these people attractive at all? I mean, we know they smell. So they'd have to be pretty attractive. But I would always fear that I'd get stuck with the unattractive people. I would not want to just strut around naked in front of 70,000 people.

Yeah, I don't know. I can't do the naked walk around for everybody, but I will say there's some really beautiful people out there. So like Burning Man for you, is it like kind of the climax of your year? Like everything kind of like for me, I go to the Amalfi Coast every summer and I love it. And when I'm not there, I can visualize in my brain the sun hitting the water and the water kind of sparkles. Is that what Burning Man is for you?

Yeah, absolutely. We have a gigantic 50 by 30 foot room that all it is right now is burning bedrock. It's nonstop. We just saw Jen and Nilly's and we were like, are you all moving or what? It's unbelievable. It's like, that's the fun. It's a huge process. I get to bring all my tools. I like to build stuff and I always do find out new little things like when it comes to engineering and

You know, we're building our own sinks. We build our own showers. You just learn things all the time. This year, I've been learning about how to splice LED wirings. So you can light your tent, your little neighborhood with your... We're going to light the tent. We're going to light our bikes. We're going to light the backpack. You know, a whole bunch of things we've got to do. I appreciate...

I appreciate how industrious you are because like me, you said you like learning all this new stuff. I really, I don't want to learn anything new. I really am completely content like going to a hotel and saying, y'all know how the inner workings of this hotel, you know how to change the sheets, you know how to wash the towels, you know how to refill the shampoo. I'm going to let y'all have it. Burning Man is a way for me to learn cool things and new things. Right. And, but in the same vein, I'm, I am also a very posh traveler.

I don't like Airbnbs. They always ask me to fold towels for them and do dishes. I'm out. I'm not there for that. I just give you money. I want to go to a nice hotel. The first thing we do when we're leaving Burning Man is we're going to a very fancy resort. I'm going to take a nice hot bath. I'm going to get the hot tub. I'm going to get a massage. I'm going to go for it. What a contradiction. I would forego the Burning Man and do all 10 days at the fancy hotel. I would just be tickling. I have a couple of

questions. Number one, are there, is anybody worried about monkey pox or COVID at Burning Man? I'm sure some people are. It sounds like the perfect Petri dish. Oh yeah. That cuddle puddle. I mean, there's going to be some monkey pox, COVID, maybe even a new hybrid, you

We're talking about the same exact kind of hippies that thought drinking urine could cure COVID. Exactly. There is a lot of potential. Thankfully, I had COVID recently. I'm not that worried. So I'm just going to get through it. How much does it cost to get a tent spot at Burning Man? All you're doing is getting a ticket and the tickets are like 600. Per person? Yeah. And then you bring everything else on your own. You can buy ice out there, but that's it.

So it can be as cheap as you want or as expensive as you want. So I want to reveal something to pumps that you probably know that Jen and Nellie told me. And this is, I mean, this gets worse. When you leave, when you're ready to get the fuck out of there and you've got the vision of this nice hotel, the bath, clean your ass, cold, refrigerated air, it takes six hours to

to drive out or more facility or more. I actually have sat through 25 hours once.

What? I'm not even kidding. It was the year I met my wife. It was 25 hours. There was a 17-year-old girl who had gone with their parents, and they couldn't find her. She went off on her own little adventure, but they released an Amber Alert, and so they shut down all of Exit. They shut down everything, so no one could go in or out until they found this girl, and this girl had just been out partying with some friends that she made. I'd fucking kill her. I would shriek her with my bare hands. Yes.

Okay, let me ask you this. Why don't they have more than one road out of Burning Man? Sounds like the infrastructure could use an update.

I'm glad you came out there. I think it's because you're on an Indian reservation that literally has one road. And so they try to manage it as much as possible so you're not ruining the entire lives of these 30,000 people that live out on this reservation. So they try to keep it narrow as possible. But I wouldn't mind having a second road. I could get to Reno faster and get a cheeseburger and go to my hotel. Right. Yeah.

What's your meal that you're going to do for the group? I'm here to build everything. I bring my tools and I get to work. You're a man. Okay, so you said you built a shower. It brings tools. Do you bring the stuff to make the shower? Yeah. It's like a wood structure that's built off of a pallet.

And then it's on top of like a heavy, thick black plastic. That's also wrapped around a gigantic rectangle. That's about 20 feet by 20 feet. So the excess water goes down onto this thing and it evaporates out. So we don't have to take any extra water out. Did you kind of blackout when he described all that? Cause I was just thinking if I ever have to go like on survival, he knows so much. No, for sure. I want him for sure. I mean, if, if like apocalypse comes,

I'm going to be like, hey, Jen Morton, remember that Bobbitt dude? Give me his address. We need him. Pops and I are going out. Your wife would be like, get these fucking women out of here. I hate them. Yeah. I hate it that you're married that handy. My dad's like, you need to marry a handyman. Pops, you can't hit on married men on our podcast. No, I'm just saying in general. We interviewed a guy the other day and she said she's basically opening up herself to butt play. Now we're hitting on married men.

You have got to contain yourself. For God's sakes. I apologize, Bob. An 80-man is hard to find. And you can't find him because he's married to a nice lady from Belgium who is a chef. Who's a chef. All she wants to do is cook food for her man and all he wants to do is build shit for his woman. And you can throw a grenade right in their fucking relationship. I am so sorry, Bobbitt. I apologize from the bottom of my heart.

I'm so sorry. I didn't realize it was sexual harassment. That's all right. I'm from Texas. I'm used to it. I'm actually impressed that you hit on Bobbitt, even though I disapprove. You didn't hit on him. You clearly did. I was just making the point. You clearly did. It was obvious. You did. It was. It was. I have to apologize to Sana later. What's her name? Sana. Sana. Tell Sana I didn't mean to. It was accidental. I'm just so averted. I feel crazy. I'm sorry.

So Bobbitt, let me just tell you one thing that I could get down with cuddle puddling with. It's not human beings. It's not oversized stuffed animals, but I can cuddle puddle with my dogs. I could for days on end. For days on end. I love my dogs so much. My kids come into my office and I have a framed picture of Larry David on my desk.

picture of me and my dogs. And my son says, mom, why do you not have any pictures of me in your office? And I mean, honestly, it never occurred to me until he said it. Like I love humanity. I really don't like human beings. No, exactly. I love dogs. Do you take the dog to Burning Man?

No, you can't take animals. It's actually a really harsh environment. And like, even people who have actual disabilities and service animals, they're encouraged to not bring the dog. So what, what's the most, uh, like it's pot the most, the drug that's used the most. I cannot believe you just said pot. Or what do you call it? Weed? Weed? What do the kids call marijuana these days?

I like saying marijuana. It's funny. Marijuana. But what's the most prevalent drug? Like psychedelics, pot? You know, I don't know. I guess this runs with whatever circle you're in, but I'm going to say it's probably things like...

Either psychedelics, Coke or Molly is probably the thing that you'll see most people have out there, I guess. But I mean, pot, marijuana, weed, whatever you want to call it. That is like just a given. It's like every single camp. Like there's like 800 people just smoking it in a two person corner. Right. It just happens. Right. And it is what it is. But I mean, obviously alcohol, I think is the number one consumed thing. That you have to keep it cold. Which is the worst. I guess you don't have to keep it cold.

You don't have to, but I would recommend it. Like a beer. You don't want a hot beer. So this time that you go with Jen and Nellie, are you sleeping in the tent? Are you taking the... Well, this year, we got fancy. We've got a 10-person tent that has two rooms. And I went and I bought a futon. So we're sleeping on the ground. I bring full sheets, bedding, everything. I'm building like a swamp cooler to keep the tent room cool. You are doing it right. How many nights are you sleeping here at Burning Man?

I think it's going to be eight or nine nights. Eight or nine nights. I think nine nights. Long time. With 100,000 people. And then you have to wait for six to 25 hours. Six to 25 hours to GTFO. I would leave two days early to avoid the rash. I really would. Like, I can't. We can't do that. We have to watch the burn.

You got to wait and watch the burn. See, that's the deal. That's how they get their hooks in you. They name it Burning Man. They make a big fat sculpture. They make a big fat man. And then you think, like Pomp said, I'm going to get the fuck out of here two days early. I'm going to beat the crowd. But then you're like, you know what? I would leave and I would feel zero guilt about missing the burn. Would you? Absolutely. Duh.

So will you and your wife cuddle with Jen and Neely? Oh, 100%. We try to do that every time we see them. 100%. We don't need to be at Burning Man to do that, by the way. Just do a little cuddle. I will cuddle with him on a Tuesday night. That's sweet. I have one more question. So you're a diehard Burning Man fan. What do you think of the people that bring their, like, toddlers?

You know, actually, my wife and I, once our kids get to a certain age, we haven't figured that age out yet, but we plan on taking our kids, too. See, I would think that you would be like, why the fuck are you bringing your kids? There's definitely some people that bring their kids, though, that are not being appropriate and, like, maybe getting too high around their kids. Right. But I don't plan on doing that. Like, I plan on showing my kids that they can be inventive, artistic, and have fun and explore and play throughout the rest of their lives.

But I don't plan on being totally shit-faced around my kids. I can't wait to see all the pictures. I want to see the pictures. Yeah, I want a full... We'll have some fun ones for you. Yes, let's do a recap after Burning Man. We should do a Burning Man recap and I want videos.

Yes. So we can put him up here. Bobbitt the Builder, I cannot thank you enough for coming on this. You're a treat, Bob. Stellar podcast here. Let's start calling him Bob. Quit hitting on Bobbitt. I've told her like 10,000 times, Bobbitt's married. You're getting Bobbitt nice and red now. Just a man with a beard and tools. And with the power tools. I need a man with power tools. Pops is over here like, you know, she just left the house. I just said get your ass out of here.

It was great to learn about the ass play and then you're hitting on Bob at the builder. All right. Thanks, Bob. Thanks, Bob. Have a great trip. Yeah. Have fun. Feel the burn. I can't believe how turned on you were by how industrious he was.

I mean, a man with some power tools. He mentions the tools and you immediately are like, you know, you just can't find those kind of men anymore. And my dad always told me, if you find a handyman, grab him. It's a shame you're married, Bob. You said that. You said that. Rewind the tape. Let me ask you this. Bob was single. Bob, why are you so much younger than me? Well, that's not hard to do. I'm so much younger. Fuck off. You're such a bitch. I am. Have you had it with me?

Bye everyone.

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