Bring Back Smoking on Planes
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This episode of I've had it is brought to you by booking.com booking dot. Yeah Ready one two three. Oh That was okay. One more time one more time ready one two three. There we go much better That was what the I hipsters have come here for for that. Oh

Style of clap. Not a limp dick clap. No. The I hipsters oppose limp dick claps. Limp dicks are opposed in all categories. Didn't take you very long to bring up dick, did it? Not very long. It might be the fastest it's ever gone. Yeah. Yeah. Listen up, I hipsters. Pumps has got to get laid. Yeah.

I had no idea what you were going to say, but I was not expecting that. All right, Pumps, what have you had it with? Okay, what I've had it with is when you go to a restaurant and they serve you warm bread and the butter is ice cold frozen. I fucking hate that. I've had it. Butter served should be room temperature. No hard butter. No limp dicks. No hard butter. Listen, listen.

This is a huge, huge problem. That butter comes out much the way you like your penises, which is rock hard. Rock hard. Like a rock hard penis, I like a soft butter. You like a soft serve butter. Nobody likes rock hard butter, especially you. Hate rock hard butter. You reserve your love.

love and affection towards rock hard things exclusively for the penis. That's right. And the rock hard cock chat. That's right. That's right. Yeah. There's nothing worse when you get a warm bread and you can't spread the butter on it. We recently had an issue in DC when Kylie was so excited, she gets her warm bread and I'm watching her and that butter just like plop, plop.

And her face, it was, you were so disappointed, Kylie. Let's break it down. What you do is you get this warm bread and like Pavlov's dog, your mouth starts watering. And then you see the little ramekin of butter. And you go over and you put your knife in and you're like, oh. But you're still ambitious about the project, thinking the temperature of the bread will

will expeditiously melt the butter. Right. So you take your knife in and then you go over and you start to rub it and then it like skids on the bread. Right. And you've got a bread skitter with clumps of rock hard butter on it. And I'm going to tell you, this is something the restaurant industry

needs to robustly address. I agree. Who would think that was a good idea? Room, temperature, spreadable, butter. If we're going to kill ourselves with a heart attack, allow us to make each bite consistently inducing of a heart attack. Not one big clump. No. Let us enjoy making way for a heart attack. Here's another example. You order a little short stack of pancakes. Oh, yeah.

And if they bring out rock hard butter, it just, you have pancake skitters. Right. It almost ruins it. It really does. I mean, there is just nothing worse. And I just don't think it'd be that hard of a problem to solve. You know, Josh Welch, with his many food grievances, has been on this for quite some time. Has he? He Karen's the butter. Oh, he does. He sends the butter. He calls the waiter over and he says, this butter is so hard. I'm unable to spread it.

on my bread because it's so cold that it won't even melt. When we were recently in London, I saw him send back a ramekin of butter two to three times. Really? See, I've never been that industrious. Yeah. This is something you can add to your list of demands, long growing list of demands at a restaurant. Always growing. Room temperature better. Yeah. And I will ride those Karen coattails with you just like I do with Josh because I'm going to say I'm humiliated when he sends it back.

Delighted when the butter comes back spreadable. There's nothing more delightful than a spreadable butter. I agree. It's the simple things. We're not asking for much, iHipsters. No. Our needs are small and few. Spreadable butter. It's just one of those things that everyone should have. Yeah. The only thing that Meemaw wants rock hard are her cocks. All right. Let me tell you what I've had it with. Okay. I've had it with the Amish. Why? Why?

I just, I've just completely had it with the Amish. They say that they are technology free and they ride horses. Nobody can have an education past eighth grade. Surprisingly, I'm in, you and I are in airports quite often.

And I see the Amish at the airport and it looks like they're skirting the system. Right. You have pointed out the Amish in the airports. Here's the deal. You can't drive a car, but you're riding on a plane. Right. There's some irony there. What's going on? How is that possible? How do you even know how to book a flight and get on a plane? How do you get to the airport? This is what I want to crack into.

And here's the Amish people. They're like, okay, we are going to live off the land. We're going to ride our horses. We're going to have a little buggy. We're going to do all this shit. Right? And then you go to an airport and you'll see just a gaggle of Amish. Right? And you think, how did they book this ticket? Right. How did that happen? Mm-hmm.

Because you have to have computer access to book an airline ticket. Or at least a phone, at the very least. At the minimum, you're going to have to have a phone and a credit card. Yes. Right. Right. So there is skirting left and right, and it's Amish fraud. Nobody's talking about it. Right. Nobody's doing anything about it. They're out there just skirting the system. And then I also read an article recently.

Really setting my crawl regarding the Amish. What is it? They're Trumpers. What? Yes. Let me read you a quote. Okay. We Amish view Trump as a godly man who is for traditional family values.

I would be embarrassed to say that statement out loud. And they put out an official statement saying that? I don't know if it's an official statement from the official Amish, but an Amish person said this. And up in Amish countries, they have Trump signs everywhere. But then I also read that they don't vote, but they're non-voting Trumpers. Well, I'm glad they're not voting if they're voting for Trump. Another weird detail that I wanted to point out about the Amish is the kids have to play with creepy things.

faceless dolls. Why? I have no idea. I have, there's just, there's so many questions and you know,

You know a patriarchal community like this. You know there's fuckery. Absolutely. I've seen the documentaries. There's this skirting the system on the technology thing to fly in airports is just the tip of the iceberg. I think it goes way deeper, way more nefarious. And I also think it's a terrible idea to cut off education past eighth grade. Well, of course it's a terrible idea. But that explains why they're Trumpers. Therefore, I have had it with the Amish.

I agree. I think they are skirting. I will tell you, I do love an Amish cinnamon roll. Here's the deal. I'm not going to support an Amish cinnamon roll. You know, I have a very sordid emotional history with cinnamon rolls. And I'm just, I would rather support just pure, greedy, capitalistic cinnamon rolls than the traditional Trump Amish cinnamon rolls.

skirting cinnamon roll. And I admit that it could probably be better and it might even have spreadable butter. Right. But there's just so much hypocrisy in one simple airport visit that I've seen with these Amish. They're on my watch list. I've had it. Why are you riding? It's all performative to trot around in a buggy and then turn around and get on an airplane. Right. And I would argue, how do you get your horse to the airport?

Just want to point out one more thing. And I know everybody likes to, oh, Jennifer just brought it up. It was at the pickleball courts a couple of months ago. There were some Amish people playing pickleball. And let me tell you a few things that I noticed. Okay. Number one, the women were in full-blown Little House on the Prairie outfits with, you know, they're not allowed to cut their hair. And so they were bunheads. Did they have that like white thing on it? Yes, they had that weird.

weird thing. But they didn't even have on like shoes that would be conducive to playing sports. They had on like some sort of Puritan looking weirdo shoe. Like a shoe shoe, not a tennis shoe? Yes. So here's the deal. It's a free country. Practice what religion you want. Go play pickleball in weird clothes. I don't give a shit.

But I kind of do because we have to dig for content on the podcast, but that's neither here nor there. But I perused the parking lot. Chicken and Pickle has two parking lots. When I left, the Amish were still there. So I thought, I'm going to drive around and see if I see a buggy. Right. Did not see any horses. Did not see any buggies.

The Amish are skirting their very own system. They're Trumpers. They play with creepy faceless dolls. You know there's a lot of fuckery going on and exploitation of women and children in that. Statistically, we just know it. And I myself have seen an Amish documentary and it was not good. It was not good. And I just...

I admit that they could probably have a good cinnamon roll, but I'm putting the Amish cinnamon rolls right up there with Stanley cups on my boycott list. Really? Yep. It's your line in the sand. It's a, it is a very, very strong pass on that. However, could be in my interest that,

To get some Amish cinnamon rolls. I'll use your money to get them. Cut out the centers and give them to Josh. That is a fantastic idea. Serve him a whole bunch of cinnamon rolls with no middle. Yes. The very best part gone. Like any good submissive wife would do. Absolutely. You're going to eat a...

On the cinnamon roll, you need to be submissive while you do it. And maybe just to really be a bitch, I could serve it with rock hard butter. Right. You could put some frozen butter just on the outsides of it. I think that's a great idea. Yeah. That's exactly what a submissive wife would do. I've had it with Amish. Had it. We got lots of had its today. All right. Hi. Hi, hipsters. Welcome to I've Had It. I'm Angie. I'm Jennifer. We did that wrong. I say I'm Jennifer. Okay. Okay.

I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. We call her Meemaw. Sorry, guys. We've only done 150-something episodes. Right. We're still learning. We're slow learners. Kylie's with us here today. Kylie, how are you? I'm good. And I just have to say the Amish dig is genius because they can't fight back. And if they do leave a hate comment, I'll know you're cheating and skirting the system. That's right. You know what? Checkmate, Amish. Checkmate.

Yeah, say something. I dare you. Yeah. I've had it with you Amish skirting the system. It's faux religiosity, performative cinnamon roll baking, skirting the system, flying. You know what I bet they do? I bet the Amish try to pre-board. I bet they are pre-board violators. Probably. With that much skirting, why would they not? Yeah. They're like to skirt. Yeah, I've had it with the Amish.

All right. I've got some reviews. Okay. So buckle up. This one's long. Five stars. Titled Delusional. My review title says it all. These two washed up politically moderate broads are completely delusional.

The younger one, Jessica, is constantly hounding the older lady about being a lesbian. But it's abundantly clear that Jessica is just projecting. First, Jessica regularly plays pickleball. For those not in the know, pickleball, much like softball, is commonly known as a sport loved and dominated by lesbians. That's true. Second, although Jessica is married to a man, the marriage is an obvious sham. Ha ha ha!

It's clear that Jessica is just a beard for her equally gay husband. As another astute listener recently pointed out, no self-respecting straight guy would be caught dead with a man bun on his head, sandals on his feet, and a latte in his hand. As for the elderly one, her repeated feeble attempts at an opening clap are just embarrassing. At her advanced age, if the osteoporosis hasn't set in yet, it will soon. She's one clap away from a broken wrist. I've had it.

I mean, here's the deal. Here's what I'm going to say.

I don't think there's a greater compliment on the planet than being called a lesbian. I don't either. Run the world. Totally. So I want to say to that. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for that. Also, we all do need to take care. And so that's a reminder to me. We don't have that much time left on Earth with Pumps, her advanced age. Especially me, yeah. So if it takes two to three tries for you to get the clap, yeah.

At your advanced age, two to three tries is better than heart attack and stroke. Be patient with me. That's right. I could drop dead any minute. That's right. That's a great review. I really like that. That is a great review. Right on point. This one's five stars, titled, Perhaps the Greatest Geriatric Podcast. Yeah.

I don't think I've ever seen such an interesting podcast where the hosts are senile nursing home patients that get to rant about their grievances. Yeah. Talk about service and respect to your elders that their nurse, Kylie, gives them a fun activity before they pass away. That's so good. What if this was- Kylie's our nurse. Yeah. What if this was, what do they call it? A simulation? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

This is like my volunteer hours. Yeah. Right. This is your community service. I'm giving back to the elderly. Yeah. The way they call senile, I mean, that's pretty true. I can't argue with that. Yeah. It's getting worse every day. Between that and the osteoporosis comment, where's the lie? Yeah. We're just happier here. Do you have osteoporosis? No, but I've got this bump growing out of my hand. Yeah. That's what happens to old people. They get rogue bumps. Rogue bumps. And I asked the doctor if they could cut it off. And we're not talking about cocaine when we say bumps. Oh, God. Yeah.

Believe me, I'd die if it was that big. But yeah, you can't get them cut off for cosmetic reasons, which I was disappointed to hear. Oh, well, one foot in the grave over here. This episode of I've had it is brought to you by booking.com booking. Yeah.

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Okay, we got sent a Reddit post. Okay. That we need your take on. Okay. It's titled, I want my fiance to get rid of his five-year-old daughter. Please keep me anonymous. I need some advice from you all. My 32-year-old fiance has a five-year-old daughter. Her mother passed away when she was giving birth.

He has been raising her ever since he lost his wife, with the help of his family. I am now in the picture, and we're going to get married in 2023, and I'm six months pregnant with a son. I'm not the stepmother type, so I know I won't treat his daughter the same way I will treat our son.

To be quite honest, she annoys me. She looks exactly like her mother, so she constantly reminds my fiancé of his dead wife, and she is very attached to her daddy, which makes me afraid that my son will not be able to bond with his father because of her. Basically, I want to tell my fiancé to get rid of her.

She can live with her grandparents, or we can find her a nice couple that wants to adopt a child. I don't know how to approach this situation, but I need to find a way to convince my fiancé to get rid of her. And on another note, I'm not a bad person. I'm just trying to look out for my son and make sure that he will get all his father's attention that he deserves.

She's a psycho. Right. A complete psycho. It's one thing to have a fleeting thought if you're dating somebody. God, I don't like that kid. I wish he didn't have a kid. I'm sure that everybody that's dated somebody with a kid and then they were hooked up to Truth, Sermon, and Polygraph and asked, do you wish he didn't have a kid or do you wish she didn't have a kid? I bet at some point they probably said yes. Absolutely. To write that down, go back through and proofread it.

And click post. Right. That's where you know this person is a complete psychopath. Already jealous? Yes. Yes.

And like there's how many billion people in the world, like six or seven billion, something like this. Don't marry him. Right. There's other people to marry if you can't stand it. I don't think I would want, I understand. Like, I don't know if Josh dropped dead and I started dating a guy and he had a school age child. I don't know if I'd be down with that. No offense to the child, no offense to him, but I just be like, I kind of always going to like my kids more than your kid. And there's just nothing I can do about that. I mean, well, what a

What amazes me about the thing is where she said, like, my child won't have as much love because of this child. It's like there's only a certain amount of love you can have for a child and it's going to have to be split between two parents. I mean, between two children. That's bullshit.

And I think it's weird. It's not like the mother, they're fighting with the mother. I mean, the mother died. I would think you would have an instinct to be protective and try to mother that child knowing that you're going to be growing up in the same house. Not saying you wouldn't get irritated, not saying you would always be gung ho about a stepchild, but that's like psychotic.

Completely psychotic. And I think it's probably she's clearly a toxic person, obviously, to write that out. And to not like you said, to not feel some compassion that this child lost their identity.

mother, and that your child that you have in utero is going to be a sibling, that you wouldn't automatically start loving this other child on behalf of the one that you have in utero. You might not love it as much as your own biological, but you can get pretty close, I would think. Absolutely. Especially if you're raising it for the child's whole life. I mean, what'd she say? The child's five-ish? Yeah.

I mean, I just think that is psychotic. I mean, she's jealous of the dad's time. She's jealous of the attention to the daughter, but she's also jealous of a dead woman. Yeah. That's bad. I think if she says that to him, I think he should run, run, run, get full custody of the son they have in utero. Here's the situation.

You know, men probably this wife died. Right. And he just wanted, you know, somebody wanted to have a mom for this kid. And she this is a classic bait and switch. Absolutely. This woman has done. She got knocked out. She probably came in and was like, I love you. I love your daughter. Blah, blah, blah. They get married. She's knocked up. And now the switch is on. Yeah.

She's this is a psycho and that poor kid is just gonna be abused. She's gonna be a wicked stepmom. Absolutely classic case That's really sad. What an awful person Yeah, you can imagine every comment below was we need to find the man show him this right? He needs to leave her. Absolutely. I agree with that get rid of her immediately

She's a nut. Yeah. She's got to go. Got to go. But here's the situation. She's pregnant with the sibling of this little girl. So she probably has to go to some sort of personality disorder rehab. Yeah, but it doesn't sound like she's going to. She's going to just try to get rid of the kid instead. She's going to torture that poor little girl. I know. I feel sorry for the little girl. Yeah, I do too. I feel sorry for the husband too, or the baby daddy, because he doesn't know what he's getting into. Maybe he does. I don't know.

There's always signs. There's always red flags. I mean, I feel most sorry for the girl, the guy. Yeah, the little girl as the victim. As an adult, you, especially having been in a relationship before, you and I both know when we look back that we saw red flags and willfully looked the other way. Oh my God, I saw red flags, jumped on him, humped him. Yeah. The whole nine. Yeah. Yeah.

So yeah, this is a recipe for disaster. It sounds like. Do you think sometimes people on Reddit just put something like that? To go viral? Yeah. Shock value or something? Sure. Yeah. The whole internet. You got to try to pick and choose what you think is real.

Yeah. Let's hope it's fake. Let's hope it's fake. But I mean, we know so many stories like that of people that do the bait and switch and treat. She probably is so unhinged right now that she thinks, okay, maybe somebody will respond. We'll adopt. Just thinking like somebody's going to respond and say, Hey, we'll adopt a five-year-old and five years old to like have your mom die and then be pulled away from your dad. And in the writing, she says,

Yeah, we're super close, blah, blah. It's a bad sign. I mean, the dad and the daughter are super close. Yeah, that's awful. It's a Cinderella type situation there. All right. Today, we have a guest. She is a repeat guest. One of our favorites. And I believe the last time we had her on, she was pregnant with her child. We warned her about the post-pregnancy constipation.

pumps in an effort to bond with this guest revealed that she crammed a spoon up her ass, which we all know how that went. It went viral on the internet and the UK press. Your ass was an absolute sensation. Sensational ass. Sensational ass. Yep. All right. So let's

Touch base again and see how everything went with Jackie Schimmel, host of the Bitch Bible Podcast. Jackie Schimmel, welcome back to I've Had It. Oh, thank you. It's good to be here. Feels right. Since we last saw you, you have given birth. I have given birth. And I believe that just to be a bitch, you messaged Pumps.

and said, "I want you to know I had my baby and I was not constipated."

Not even a little bit. And it was honestly, as I was having, this is like TMI and it's very early in the morning. As I was having my postpartum bowel movement, my very first one, which was, dare I say, effortless. All I thought about were you two. I was like, those fucking bitches scared the shit out of me. I had my spoon ready. I was ready to rumble. I had the colus. I was like, can I take stool softener in my IV? I was so worried about it. And let me tell you something, GLID.

effortlessly. I just think you're a total for flexing on that. I cannot believe when you sent that to me, I thought she is just being tongue in cheek, but it was real. You just went right to it.

I swear to God, I told everybody because I was so worried about it. And I was, you know, like the fear mongering was so real. And I had friends like bringing me stool softeners, like you're going to be okay, but just know, like, I just want to prepare you. Ignorance truly is bliss. And I was fine. Like it was one of my healthiest movements. You know, Pabst called me immediately and she's like,

Jackie Schimmel is the biggest bitch in America. She just sent me a message. I had my baby and I had a completely normal shit afterwards. And I was like, surely she's joking. We thought you were joking. Did you have an epidural? Oh, no, I did have an epidural, but it was very quick. I probably only had like.

I mean, I got the epidural and I gave birth like an hour later. So I didn't have the epidural for a long time. So this is just victory lap on top of victory lap is what Jackie's doing. Jackie's coming on. I've had a podcast to talk about how great she is at giving birth, how great she is at receiving epidurals and what a great shit taker you are. So this is a shit taking shit talk is what this is, Jackie. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm not going to do the thing. I'm not going to insult you ladies by, you know, faux relatability. I fucking nailed it. Oh,

Fucking nailed it. I would say I'm happy for you, but I'm not because we're petty people. I wanted you to be miserable because misery loves company. We wanted you. I wanted video of you on the toilet in your IG stories saying they warned me and I didn't listen. That's what we wanted because we're not big people. We're small people over here.

Hello, by the way, same, which is why karma can't be real. And you know, so many people are just like, Oh, God, take her down, like wanted me ripped from tit to taint. And I was fine. Yeah. Yeah. All right, Jackie, what have you had it with?

The first thing, wellness. I'm just over. I don't care. Right. When? I don't care about, I've had like a whole just lifestyle shift in the past couple of weeks. Now that I'm a mother, I really think we should start throwing caution to the wind. You know what I mean? Right. Right.

Like, I don't want to take any more supplements. I don't really care about vitamin C. I'm not into recycling anymore. I'm drinking soda. I want to start smoking. I don't like it. I want to stop exercising. Right. I support all of those things. I do too. Right. And like, that feels like what I need for self-care right now. Yeah. After you have a baby and it's just so time consuming, like going out, I remember going out and burning. It was just like, oh,

It was the best. The only thing about burning is the smell. That's the bad part. I've never really smoked a cigarette, but I'm really actively trying to get into it because I do think smoking is cool. It's so much cooler than vaping. I mean, so much more. It's European. It's sexy. You get that little, you know, rasp in your throat. It's taboo. Nobody does it anymore. I like it. I do too. You know, we, Pumps and I, are...

older than you, pumps a lot more so than I am. But we remember back in the day, I have actually flown on an airplane and smoked a cigarette on a commercial flight. And let me tell you something, cigarettes are better in higher altitude. They are.

And the seat had a little ashtray in it. Oh, so sexy. And so you could just smoke after you took off and then you could smoke your cigarette and then you put it out in your little armrest. Oh my God, I'm getting misty just thinking about it. I do have a bunch that's in my eye. Sorry, I'm twitching a little bit. That is amazing. I want to live in that world. Let's bring it back. Pops, I have had it up to my eyeballs with grocery shopping.

I'm so happy that I have discovered Thrive Market because now I can shop from the comfort of my sofa with my dogs right next to me. And Thrive Market is my go-to for all of my grocery and household essentials. And the convenience of getting everything online then quickly shipped to my doorstep is a huge advantage.

Thank you so much for joining us.

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Pumps, you know my recent trip to London with Josh and Roman? Yes. I used Viator. I know you have an upcoming trip with your kids to New York, and I cannot recommend Viator enough.

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Oh my God. There's so, so many things I would say like motherhood. Yeah. Motherhood, obviously. Um, I feel like last time I talked about floating shelves and fiddle leaf ficus trees. I've come around to the fiddle leaf. They're the only tree I can keep alive. Yeah. I like a fiddle leaf.

Do you? I was going to ask you, what's like a cool tree? Well... Ficus? If I guess, or if I like a fiddle leaf, I have a big one in my living room. I don't like too many plants in a room, but I do like a splash of greenery here or there. But I want to dive back into the...

Because, you know, this is something that is so, we're so indoctrinated from a very young age to be mothers. We play with baby dolls. We play house. And it's all about like becoming a mother. And I don't really ever remember. We grew up in the 80s. And I don't ever remember hearing any warning signs or hearing an opt-out option.

option for this situation. Because once you get in it, it is equally fantastic and also equally traumatizing. Right. And nobody talks about the trauma on the mother. No, they really don't. And then if you voice it, you're like not maternal or whatever that, you know, the aftershock of you being like this fucking sucks. Yeah. Like I will say the first three months, I

every second. Everyone's like, time goes by so fast. Oh my God. The days are long, but the years are short. Okay, cool. That's great. Can't wait to get there. For the first three months, misery. Blocked it out. Tired. Irritated. In a fucking diaper. Having seamless, gorgeous bowel movements. You're welcome. And it's just like, you have this crying...

screaming potato that is sucking the life out of you, okay? Turning your whole fucking world upside down. And you're just on pins and needles and everyone's like, treasured moments. And I'm like, okay, maybe for some people, but there is a large portion of women who are fucking miserable. And yes, it gets better. And no, I do not regret my decision to have a child. Very happy in the current moment. Pink eye aside. But

But the first three months as a new mother, no, it's not for everyone. Miserable. Even hindsight being 20, you know, they say you forget and you glamorize. I have not forgotten. I have notes on my phone because I wanted to remember. And there's one that just says, I'm fucking miserable. Yeah.

And I wrote it while I was feeding him. Yeah, no, I had that too. I remember, I mean, those first three months are torture. And I remember thinking to myself-

why the fuck would anybody have two of these? Like, why would anybody do this again? But then you get out of it and then you start liking him better. I think about six months is when I turned the corner with mine. And so I have, I have three now, but I, we have a girl in the office that's pregnant in May. And I just keep telling her, you're going to hate your dogs. You're going to hate your husband. You're going to hate your life. You're going to hate everything around you for about three months. Cause you're so fucking tired. Yeah.

I was talking to a girl at the blow dry shop the other day and she said, you know, I don't know. She's probably 32 or three. And she said, you know, I don't know if I'm going to have kids. And I said, you know what? You don't have to. When Angie and I were growing up, we thought we had to. But I'm going to tell you something that nobody will tell you. I do not think that my life is better because I have kids.

than a woman's life who chose not to have kids. I do not think that motherhood makes your life superior. I don't think that I love my kids. I can't imagine my life without them. But also sometimes I have fantasized about wouldn't it have been nice to have not been

Saddled up with Josh and maybe lived in London for a few years and just kind of jollied around and rode my bike and, you know, went all Madonna and started speaking with a quasi American British accent and annoying everybody. That could have been fun, too.

I just, there's this notion and this pressure that's put on women that motherhood is the only possible solution for you to find nirvana and to be happy. And although motherhood is fantastic, it is temporary. Yes, that's so true. Like my kids, Pumps is going to be an empty nester and at her advanced age, she's probably dead soon. I still have one at home for about a year and a half. Yeah.

And then my kids are going to go live their adult lives. Yes, I'll still be their mother, but not like a full time mom. I'm just a person in their life that brought them here. But the childhood part is temporary. So you have to have something outside of motherhood to truly live a full life, in my opinion, because I'll tell you who's fucked up. I'll tell you who's super fucked up.

It's these fucking power moms that you're about to enter in and they drive you fucking crazy. And here's what happens with the power moms. Their kids, their kids graduate. Next thing you know, they're snorting Xanax at home.

Fucking their trainers, fucking everybody. And it's MLM products. That's right. That's exactly what happens. Fucking essential oils or leggings or Tupperware or their souls. Who knows? Yeah. Or they turn into just diehard, insufferable Bible thumpers hosting all these Bible studies nonstop.

I know a bunch of empty nesters around here and it's like, oh, we've just started our bunco and our mahjong and our Bible study group. It's all combined into one, a trifecta. And I'm like, I want to slip my wrist vertically and horizontally at the same time to avoid that group of women. Yeah.

No, totally. And yes, there are women that exist that are, you know, altruistic, wonderful human beings and they practice what they preach. Okay, cool. We'll put that aside. Let's talk about the cunts who have the fucking, you know, Bible verse in their bio and like mama, dog mom, wifey, and they're the trolliest trolls ever.

under the bridge. Yeah. Life-worners, miserable, crying themselves to sleep. And then they have the nerve to slide into our DMs telling us we're terrible people. Right. You live with secrets. All of our shit is broadcasted. Right.

Right. And here's a little nuance into this grievance. Sometimes if I bash these types of women on this podcast, I'll have people say, oh, Jennifer, you need to deal with your internalized misogyny. And I'm like...

No, no, no, no. These are the women's that are like totally feeding the misogynist world. I don't relate to them. I have a career. I love my kids, but my eggs are distributed in multiple baskets. For these women, it is all chips in on this whole domestic white picket fence life.

And I just, I think that we're all sold to bill of goods and there's a lot of women out there suffering because they bought into it. Their husbands probably aren't that great of a lay. That's probably right where it starts and ends right there. For sure. They've got, they wear the long board shorts. They've got mashed potato face. They like hit it hard in Lake Tahoe with the boys. Do you know what mashed potato face is? No. What?

It's a breed of white men, like subpar white men that have, it's not really about like facial definition per se, but it's just like a Joey white bro that like, if you push this, if you push their face in like this, it looks like the skin would stick because they have mashed potato face. You and your husband, I are about to enter into a world that is really weird.

When your kid starts going to preschool and then lower school and the performative parenting is so unhinged. It's unbelievable. Yeah.

Oh my God. I'm already experiencing kind of like the first waves of like parenting tips and tricks and styles where I have people in my life that don't yell or the gentle parenting where, you know, there's not a lot of discipline. We don't say no. We're intuitive. I forget what all the genres are, but like,

If my baby's being a fucking asshole, I just don't think it's that big of a deal to be like, yo, stop it. You know what I mean? Like I'm kind of like team discipline. I agree. When it became so out of fashion to have like boundaries with children, they're under my, he's under my roof. I brought him into this world. Like,

like that soft narrative of we never say no. We never yell. What an asshole. It's 2024. People are getting punched in the fucking face. And I'm not going to say no to my son. No, that's not happening. It's weird. That's bullshit. That is total bullshit. Anybody who's lived with a toddler or a child and they don't tell their kid no or lose it,

That's the kind of shit that is making causing anxiety for everyone. I agree. They're telling people we never tell our child no and we never yell at our child. Fuck off. Of course you tell your child no and of course you lose it on your child. That's fucking life. But this expectation of perfect parenting is this performative bullshit that's causing everybody all this personality disorders and anxiety. Right. And it ill prepares them for the real world.

It's so counterproductive and it's just, it's not sustainable. It doesn't make sense.

You know, like if Clyde in three years from now is like gnawing on the baseboards, you know, swinging from the chandeliers, I'm going to fucking get a little spritz bottle and spray him like a dog. She used to spray her kids. Well, I had my daughter was super sassy. I mean, she was the sassiest thing in the world. And so I would I had a little spray bottle and I put white vinegar in it.

And when she would get sassy, I would spray it in her mouth. And I actually only sprayed it in her mouth one time. And then I would just look at her and say, do you want me to get the sassy spray? And then she would immediately turn it around. But I carried that sassy spray for what, two years? Oh, yeah. Please come out with sassy spray merch. Please.

Sell spray bottles that say Sassy Spray. And you can fill it with your liquid of choice. Acetone, vinegar, vodka. Rubbing alcohol. Rubbing alcohol. Anthrax, whatever. I will buy 400 of them. I bought this sad Viva Las Vegas bedazzled canister at the airport last week.

Hello, it's gotten. That is fucking rock bottom. Rock bottom. I can't.

I got off the plane. I had one Bloody Mary and I was like, these are adorable. I bought them for me and my friends. They're like, please don't make us carry these. I'm like, we are carrying them everywhere. That is very red state of you. Very. Uh-huh. I just, listen, I like to adapt wherever I am. I'm very cultured like that. I just felt like this is what I needed. Yeah. That's really... It definitely makes a statement. I have it. It's a...

I could go on a 12-part podcasting series about my frustration with the oversized beverage community and the nonstop consuming of beverages and how I link it to not only Trumpism but also the downfall of civilization, but I won't bore the listeners again. But I'll just tell you, Jackie –

That is a gateway drug that you're dealing with right there. The next thing you know, it's going to be January 6th and you're going to have on fucking bison horns running through the state capitol. That is the slippery slope that you're playing with, with that Las Vegas. For the large gallon of water that says, you got this, girly. Keep going. Yeah. Yeah. You're on your way. This is a slippery, slippery slope, Jackie.

I know. I'm so sorry. It just, I like things that are sparkly. It caught my eye. It does fit in my car in the drink cup, which a lot of those oversized jugs do not. So it felt practical. It felt sparkly. It felt like kitsch. I know it's like my whole personality. Okay. Jackie, remember a game, had it or hit it.

Yes. Okay. We're going to play a game of had it or hit it now. Had it or hit it. Paris, France. Oh my God. Hit it, hit it, hit it hard, hit it nasty, hit it from the back, hit it from the front. Eiffel Tower me. So listener, Jackie recently went to Paris and I followed along on her Insta stories and

And I'm about day two into the trip and it's all reverse, you know, flipped cam selfies. And so I go into the DMs and I'm like, did you go to Paris by yourself? And she responds, I sure did. Oh, good for you. And I respond, I fucking worship you. That's amazing. Left the family behind. Here's the thing. Before I had a baby, um,

I, you know, was broke and jobless for years and years. And I remember saying to my husband a million years ago when we were dating, I was like, all I want in my life, my only goal in life, you know, the bar is low, is that I want to be in a financial independent situation where I can fly to Paris by myself whenever the fuck I want, ball out, have the food, buy a bag and come the fuck home.

And the second that, you know, I kind of got into a place where I could do that. I started going to Paris first. It was once a year on my birthday. I went by myself. Then it became twice a year. Then the year before I got pregnant, I went four times. I love that. Yeah. Every season I had to hit it every fucking season. So I've gone to Paris alone. I counted this last night. 10 times. Yeah.

Yeah. I've been in love like 20 times because I am rain woman. So if I love something, I go back and then I go to the same restaurants and I go to the same hotel and I go to the same place and I go to the same, you know, like I do over and over five minutes to Watten or whatever. But something about going alone post baby was like the most orgasmic experience of my life. Had it or hid it Mahjong.

Honestly, I've never played, but I'm going to say hit it. Like I am, by the way, with this Las Vegas bedazzled, okay. I am two heartbeats away from being at the local Topanga mall playing Mahjong and girlies right there. I am on the brink. I see it in my future. I've got like a scrunchie in my hair and I'm ready to fucking rumble.

Hit it. I love Mahjong. It's really fun. It's, and it's not, I mean, you have to use your brain a little bit. So I like it. Oh, everybody loves it. I haven't played it. Pumps has a Mahjong group. She's all Mahjong with her Stanley. Yeah.

and all of her stuff and her vape and her mahjong. And you know what? I think it's great. I think that you have that. But I just feel like since everybody loves it, I feel like I've got to swoop in and I feel like my job is to have had it with mahjong. So I'm going to take the opposite here just because sometimes it's fun to be a c**t. That's right. Sometimes it is. Okay. Had it or hid it, mommy and me meetups. Oh, okay.

Okay. It's like completely had it. I still go. I have found that somehow I have become a real, a real hot ticket in these mommy groups. I've been poached quite a bit. And I don't know why. I think it's like, because I'm clearly very disinterested. Like I don't want to meet up with other young mothers. Okay. And then talk about baby stuff. Like that is,

Quite literally the least appealing social outing I could think of. I would rather do anything else. I'd rather go on that special forces show for sports. Like there's nothing, I don't want to do that. I don't want to talk about baby led weaning. I don't want to talk about like breast milk. I don't want to talk about anything.

So, I will continue to participate. I do go to a weekly class with him once a week for an hour because I'm a wonderful mother. And I hate every second of it. It's so embarrassing. And I kind of like, I find myself, even though he's just this like, you know, fleshy potato, I find myself like,

creating inside jokes with him when we have to like go around the circle i like sometimes i lean in and i like talk shit about the other kids and parents to the to my baby so like it's bullying i'm like this bitch is fucking nuts jesus christ like and i and it's a bit of bonding experience because you know you sit around and then if you're happy and you know like clap your hand and i'm like i'm an idiot yeah

It's very embarrassing. But yes, overall, had it. I think you probably get poached to go to this stuff because the way you show your emotion is what the way a lot of people feel. Right. They feel too shamed to say it. So it's like anti-motherhood by proxy being around you. So it makes them feel like, see, I'm not that shitty of a mom. Look at Jackie. Yeah.

No, a hundred percent. I got invited to meet up with a bunch of moms at the local church. Okay. There's a church mom group. And for whatever reason, some, something I was admitting in the universe, they were like, we don't do this often. It's like full fucking mean girls. They're like, but we meet up at so-and-so church on Sundays with the kids. And I think it'd be really fun for you guys to join. And I was like,

Um, politely and respectfully. Um, no, thank you. Like I'm going to burst into fucking flames. You don't want me just because I seem quirky for like 10 minutes a week when you see me in my leggings, like, you know, if you're happy and you know, clapping my fucking hands, I'm not your girl. So what kind of church was this? It's like a mega church.

I don't know, honestly. I'm unfamiliar, but it's just like a local church and they meet up probably before their services or something. And I'm like, listen, I'm just like a cultural Jew with a bad attitude and a head-off approach to motherhood. I'm not...

I'm not, this is not for me. Yeah. I managed to, uh, I was invited to quite a few church type things in the bringing up of my kids and I declined every single one of them. And I have made a lot of terrible decisions in my life that I've regretted. I don't regret that. And I would decline all of them again.

Well, that's all we have for you today, Jackie. I mean, until then, now, I just, you keep cheersing me with that cup and a total bitch move. And I know that you're doing that.

purpose, but I'm just warning you, this is a very slippery slope. The next thing you know, you're going to be over at that church getting saved and you'll be leading a Bible study group. And then you'll be marching from Los Angeles to some MAGA rally, like some nut. That is, that is what the fire you're playing with, with that cup.

This is all anecdotal evidence on my part, but I'm telling you, I live in the middle of this shit. And in my opinion, there is a direct link between the oversized beverage community and Bible-thumping Trumpism. I know. And I'm like, now I'm very worried. And you can resurface these clips when you see me with my Trumpism. Outside the Capitol. With your bison horns. Yeah. Yeah.

Exactly. Roll these clips. All these clips of me just sipping Las Vegas cup. Right before you breach the Capitol. Exactly. Yep. Here she comes. All right, Jackie, as always, it's always so fun. And we do hope that if you do get pregnant again, we are still hoping for a full blown five to six day constipation. Absolutely. Because misery does love company. We want you to have an episiotomy for your shit.

Okay. When I get pregnant, if and when I get pregnant again, I will keep you ladies posted. We got to know. I love it. Yeah. We live stream it. All right, listener, watch, follow at Jackie Schimmel and you can watch and listen to her podcast, The Bitch Bible. All right. I love Jackie Schimmel. She's the best. And you know what I love about Jackie? She's so real.

Yes. And she's funny and she's a smart ass. I just love a smart ass. I love a smart ass. I love non-performative people that call it like it is. I just, it's refreshing to me.

And I think she's fantastic. And I absolutely love that her life goal is just to go to Paris by herself. That is a boss bitch move if I've ever heard of one. I mean, that is goals right there. All right. Listen up, listeners. I hipsters. We have a Patreon where after each and every episode, we have a post show where

And so we're about to start our post show right now on Patreon. We also have overnight sensation hit of a podcast called Girl, Please. And that is also on Patreon. And it's a cult along with various other things. But that's where it all goes on. And once you're on Patreon, we give you all the details for everything else regarding this podcast. Pumps tell them. We will see you next Tuesday or Thursday or both.

I'll tell you what I've had it with. Charity.