An Exit-Only Hole for Me
58:17 Share

So are we supposed to start the podcast? One, two, three. Excellent. Listener, Pumps has a sore throat, but being the star of the show, she is going to power through because the show must go on and not having her here, as you all know, is simply not an option. But I realize we've been remiss these last three or four weeks and not discussing the

The fact that we both are six foot three, 215 pounds. Yes, that's absolutely right. Kylie, are you six foot three, 215 pounds? That's exactly what I am. Right. How'd you know? I just, I realized that all you have to do to become something is just say it or write it down. So I am an astronaut and an astrophysicist and a Nobel Peace Prize winner, but

Weighing in at 215 pounds and measuring at 6 foot 3 inches. I am a marine biologist and a playboy bunny. 6 foot 3, 215 pounds. Kylie, what are you? I'm completely innocent and not going to jail and I'm 6 foot 3, 215 pounds.

Touche. Best answer goes to the millennial. I mean, that was good. Listener, we have a treat for you today. And so I'm just going to go ahead and welcome you to I've Had It. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie with my sexy voice. Sexy little pumps, the star of our show. And do we have a treat and a half for you guys. As you all know, we love to do dramatic readings of the fuckery that people post on the internet. And we're going to do a little bit of a treat for you guys.

And one area we've neglected to date are Amazon reviews. Oh, yay. Yes. So Kylie has been in the bowels of Amazon digging out a lot of stuff for us to review. And I'm just going to dig right into it because there's nothing more fun than fuckery on the World Wide Web. It's the best. Okay.

This is a review of a giant beach ball. And as you can see in the scaled image here, this is how big the beach ball is. And it's actually taller than this grown man. By a lot. Right. So if you're listening to the podcast, I would say the ball is, knowing about scale from my other job, I would say is about three to four feet taller than the man that bought it. Anyway, he gave this beach ball a two-star review. And he titled his review,

A fun way to ruin a weekend and blow a hundred bucks.

Ha ha ha.

The faster we chased it, the faster it rolled. It was like it was mocking us. Eventually, we had to stop running after it because its path of injury and destruction was going to cost us a fortune in legal fees. Rumor has it that it can still be seen stalking innocent families on the Florida panhandle. We lost it in South Carolina, so there is something to be said about its durability. My question is, why?

Why does the beach ball get blamed for the wind? It really isn't the beach ball's fault. He ordered an oversized beach ball. He got one. Well, I think this guy is saying, like, listen, you know, if you want, you're an attorney. If you want, you can't sue a beach ball, can you, Pumps? No. So if this beach ball rolls over your little darlings and breaks one of their bones, are you suing the beach ball or are you suing this motherfucker?

I kind of think that he's over-dramatizing a little bit. Could a beach ball really break an arm? I don't know. Look how big that thing is. But it's full of air. Well, apparently it caused a huge debris-filled...

And scared a bunch of people. And I, for one, you know, I'm happy that he put this on the internet because just in case I wanted to buy a giant beach ball. Now I know the hazards of doing that, that if it's windy, which oftentimes beaches have a bit of a breeze. They do. Being close to the ocean and all, you know, where the land meets the water. I'm no meteorologist, but I've been to a few beaches and they can be windy. Yeah.

So, unlike you, I appreciate this man letting everybody know. And he didn't just give it a one star. He gave it two. Because he had ten fun-fold minutes. Yeah, he did not neglect those ten minutes. Right. So that's why I think it got a two star review. Did you guys know, in my research I found this out, that you can order caskets on Amazon? No, I did not. Legitimate caskets. Really? Where do they deliver them? To you. To you.

But I mean, what am I going to do with a casket at my house? I think it's in case someone dies.

No, I know, but wouldn't you deliver it directly to the funeral home? Maybe you can. Huh. Think about how long when you order a casket, the Amazon driver is going to be blocking your driveway when he tries to pull that fucking thing out of his truck and take that into your house. I mean, that is a recipe for blocking stuff. Oh, awful. And I'd probably run over it. Well, this guy bought a casket, a really nice one, on Amazon, and he left a five-star review. Oh.

He said, haven't heard a single peep from grandma since I got her this. That's funny. Okay. This is a review on a Roku streaming stick. Okay. Five stars. And the title is, so it either works great or she's dead. Okay.

Bought it for my mother-in-law and I haven't heard from her since I plugged it in. So either it works great or she's dead. Either way, that's five stars. He's ordering a casket next. Exactly. Whether she's dead or...

Or deep diving, you know, binge watching, injecting this Roku into her veins. It's a five-star review either way. And I appreciate him. Oh, my gosh. I think anybody that's been married can appreciate that. I mean, that is so good. You know, the in-law situation is just universally... Bad. Yeah. It's just universally bad. Yeah. Because you have this dynamic where...

The person you're married to, that blood is thicker than water situation. Right. And sometimes it supersedes or those family dysfunctions. Like here's one, like you marry somebody and then the one thing that annoys you the most about them, you try to get to the deep, dark bottom of where they got this negative attribute. Yes.

And in your investigation, you discover that they got it from their parents. And because you have to live with the spouse, it's hard to be just terminally angry and full of rage at the spouse and have any sense of serenity.

So you just transfer that to the source and the creator of the problem. Right. And you hate them on sight. And you can just let it live there. And it just builds up and stews. And yeah, because the reason your spouse is fucked up is because of your in-laws. Right. So it's a really great thing to rage on. Yes. And it's such an easy target. Right.

So easy. Kylie, who do you have? All right. This woman named Christine, she bought a plastic bristled toilet brush. Right. She writes two stars, too much pain causes too much pain and agony. Don't know why it's so popular nowadays. I'm just going to stick to toilet paper.

What the fuck did you just say? Did she stuck it up her ass to wipe her ass? Yeah. She's scrubbing her ass? She scrubbed her ass with it. I mean, that puts the titty rub hooker bath to shame. I mean, can you imagine if you walked in and somebody was scrubbing their ass with the toilet brush? Talk about an exfoliation. Yeah.

Kylie, do you think she was kidding? It does say verified purchase. This woman really ordered it. Verified purchase. Hey, I have to ask you guys something that I don't know if we've talked about. It's just it's in the subject of assholes. Okay. The bleaching. My whole thing is nobody's ever going to see it. But if you're doing anal stuff, I would just as soon shave it versus dye it.

I mean, wait, wait, wait, wait. I think we're talking about different things here. Bleaching your asshole. I think they bleach the skin around the sphincter. Oh, I always thought it was bleaching the hair. You learn something new every day and I've had it. You can be 54 years old and the star, 53 years old, much older than me, and the star of a sensation podcast and all of this time she thought they were bleaching hairs. I did. So wouldn't it burn?

That's why I brought it up. That's like giving me chills. Like what is going on with Kylie? Do young people do this now? People really do do that. Do they get special hair bleach? I mean, what do you use? It's not hair. I know, I know. But do they use hair bleach on the skin? I would assume since they're not bleaching the hair since it's been removed that they're using skin bleach. But what do you bleach your skin with? I don't know. If it's Donald Trump, he'd probably just use Clorox. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I mean, that would burn. I don't know. I would like for the listeners to that have bleached assholes to enlighten us on the process of asshole bleaching. And I want to know, like, if you're into a lot of that, like, is it a turnoff if somebody's asshole is not bleached, is unbleached? Right. I just I can't believe this whole time. I thought it was the hair. I just I'm kind of fascinated by it. But more than anything right now, I'm fascinated by the fact that

That you were today years old that you realized that they were bleaching the skin. I had no idea. Wow.

I love the thought of pumps going into her hair salon and being like, can you also do down there today? Could you bleach my asshole while we're here? Can you go ahead and foil the hairs on my asshole? I'd like a nice. Like an ombre. Yeah. Yeah. Nice ombre bleach job on my asshole hairs. One time I was getting sugared the very first time and the girl said, do you want me to do it on your asshole? And I go, I don't have a hair on my asshole.

And she said, yes, you do. I'm looking at it. I'm like, no, I don't. Just ignore it. Because I was like, I didn't know until that day that you had hair in your asshole. I don't know a lot about the asshole. It's an exit only for me. You're kidding. I wasn't picking that up that you knew nothing about the asshole. Wow. Pumps, when we have an in-studio guest and we roll out our curvy white boucle sofa from Article, I just feel like this sofa is so chic. Wow.

We look so cute on it and it is so comfortable. I was so surprised how comfortable. And it's so durable like that boucle fabric. It looks like super high end and the prices are so fantastic. Article believes in delightful design for every home and thanks to their online only model, they have some really delightful pieces too.

They curate their assortment of men's featuring modern, coastal, industrial, Scandi, and boho designs, and it makes furniture shopping so simple. Article's knowledgeable customer care team is there when you need them to make sure your experience is smooth and stress-free.

Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit article.com slash had it and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. That's article.com slash had it for $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more.

So, Pumps, I have been keeping something from you. What? I've been learning how to speak Italian. Oh, that's so impressive. You know, I love to go to Italy. Yes. And I love the idea of speaking a different language. And so I thought I'd like behind your back, learn how to speak Italian. You want me to try some? I do. Tpache, El Mio podcast. What does that mean? Do you like my podcast? Oh, very impressive. You can say Grazie. Say it. Grazie. Grazie. Grazie. Grazie.

You need to get Babbel because that's what I've been doing. And listener, I'm going to tell you what, one in five Americans have had on their bucket list learning a foreign language. And I'm making my bucket list a reality and you can too. Here is a special limited time deal for our listeners to get you started right now. Get 55% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash I've had it. Get started right now.

Get up to 55% off at babbel.com slash I've had it. It's spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash I've had it. Rules and restrictions may apply. Sometimes I get this anxiety and I'm not really certain what the source of it is, but with the podcast, my career, the kids, relationships, I sometimes feel so overwhelmed that talking to a friend just isn't going to really help me and I need to talk to an objective third party.

I always feel better after I talk to a therapist. It's invaluable.

It is completely invaluable, but the problem has been how do you find the time with our schedule and the therapist's schedule? Because I've benefited so much from therapy. So if you're thinking about starting therapy, get BetterHelpATry like Pumps and I have. It's entirely online. It's convenient, flexible, and suited to my schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and you get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch at any time.

Right.

which one of these supplements is going to be suitable for me. And it's like this minefield and I don't know what to do. But you're the one who turned me on to this care up where you go online and you take a quiz and then they give you a doctor backed recommendation as to which supplements are best for you. And then should your needs change, you can retake the quiz at any time. And all

And all of this is delivered right to your front door. So I cannot thank you enough for turning me on to Care-of because you look dynamite as everyone has absolutely noticed. Thanks to Care-of. For 50% off your first Care-of order, go to takecareof.com and enter code HADIT50. For 50% off your first Care-of order, go to takecareof.com and enter code HADIT50.

As the trusted leader in digital advertising, AdWorld drives strong ROI with high-performing ad campaigns across display, native ads, and paid social in one platform. Visit AdWorld.com to talk to an account expert today.

Buy a bag of Hills Pet Nutrition? Help feed a shelter pet. Buy another bag of Hills Pet Nutrition? Help feed more shelter pets. Buy Hills? Help feed shelter pets. Buy Hills? Help feed shelter pets. Every time you feed your pet Hills, you help feed a shelter pet in need, helping them become healthy, happy, and more adoptable. Science did that. Visit hillspet.com/radio or tap the banner to learn more.

Here we have a review. It is a book review called Where is Baby's Belly Button? That's the name of the book. It's a child's book. Okay. And she titles her review, spoiler alert. Okay.

This book is completely misleading. The entire plot revolves around finding Baby's belly button. The title makes this much clearer from the beginning. However, there is no mystery. There is no twist. Baby's belly button is right where it's supposed to be on the baby's stomach, right where it clearly shows you on the cover of the book. Yeah.

This plot is a complete mess as a result of its reliance on the mystery of where the belly button is. Everything falls apart the second you realize that the belly button was in plain sight all along. There is no conflict. There is no character development. There is no...

There is scarcely any plot. Whoever wrote this book must have a serious error in judgment because you would have to be an infant to not immediately understand where the baby's belly button is. This is one of the worst pieces of literature I have ever read. Okay, I'm faulting the buyer. Why the fuck do you buy a book...

Where's baby's asshole? I'm sorry. I'm still thinking about asshole. Where's baby's asshole? Hey. Now that's a book I can write. As of today. Where's baby's asshole? Somebody's head is still in the ass. I am. I'm still sitting here going, oh my God, people bleach their assholes.

But I mean, there's no mystery there. She had to have known it couldn't have been that hard to read. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say I think this is probably satire. I think some people are pretty funny in that. I think so. Oh, so some people like write Amazon comments. Yes. For fun. Yes. And bleach their assholes. All right. This one is for a product called Baby Mop. Your baby helps cleaning the house. So it's a onesie that's got like mop.

The bottom of it is a mop. So when they crawl around, they clean your house. Oh, two birds, one stone. Exactly. Get your baby in an outfit and then let it scoot around the floor and play in disinfectant chemical stuff on the floor. That was my first thought. Smart. Smart. Okay. This person wrote in the reviews, my floor has never been cleaner. The only problem is that my child has outgrown the suit and I'm having to rent children from the neighborhood to keep the floors clean.

You know what? I mean, it's a really smart way to skirt the child labor laws. It is. You know, like you got a baby. It's scooting around on the floor all the time. That baby can't get a job. No. God knows it has a lot of expenses. For sure. And so you just, you know, put some floor cleaner on the floor and put the baby mop on your baby and just let it go to town. Yeah.

consequences be damned renting children yeah carcinogens you're sucking them up I don't give a shit you need to pay for something right I realize you're only eight months old but fucking do something with your life okay this is a one-star review it looks like on a bag of gummy bears yes is that what it is Kylie

Okay, and the title of this review by Christine is Just Don't Unless It's a Gift for Someone You Hate. Oh man, words cannot express what happened to me after eating these.

The gummy bear cleanse, if you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, run. First of all, for taste, I would rate these a five. So good. Soft, true to taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety. I was just a happy camper. But...

Or should I say, but B-U-T-T. Not long after eating about 20 of these, all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I have ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish. And that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside of me. Then came the flatulence. Yeah.

Heavens to God, the sounds like trumpets calling the demons back to hell, the stench like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors. And it went on for hours. I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005. Wow.

I had five pounds of these innocent-looking, delicious-tasting hell bears, so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it had to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute. And in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands. Silly woman.

All of the same for her and the phone call from her while on the toilet because you kind of end up living in the bathroom for a spell telling me she really wished she had would have listened. I think she was actually crying. First of all, I think that person could write a good solid belly button book and make it interesting. I mean, she's a great writer. And then somebody does a follow up five star review on the product and says, I'm

The title of it is Ideal Gift for Your Congressional Representatives. Five stars. The reviews are so helpful. It is so difficult to be sure you're buying something over the internet that is exactly what you are searching for. I am sending a bag of these to every member of Congress to show my deepest gratitude. Thank you.

I love that. I love the friend was like, I'll try it. That's what you would do. I would totally do that. That's what I thought. You, pumps is the type of friend where I'm like, oh my God, this stinks so bad. And her immediate is let me smell it.

I do. It's weird. And I'm like, oh, this tastes terrible. Oh, let me taste it. Oh, yeah, that is horrible. I mean, it's like I'm miserable and she wants to accompany me. And that is true soulmate friendship right there. Yes, it is. I was thinking when she read that, when you were reading that, she has a really good friend. She does have a very good friend. Listener, if I'm like, if Pumps and I are traveling in the summer and I'm thinking I get a whiff of BO from somewhere, I'll kind of like, you know, go to sniff myself. Yeah.

2.5 seconds later, Pumps' nose is one centimeter from the epicenter of my armpit. And it's not just a casual inhale. It is a that. And she's like, oh, no, it's not you. It must be somebody else.

Well, I mean, friends do not let friends run around with BO. You don't. And I want to say that your ability to stick your nose one centimeter from the epicenter of all that shit going on in my armpit is just, it makes me feel love. And maybe if your nose had ever been close to an asshole, you would have known that it had hair on it. I would have known it had hair on it. I would have known people bleach it. Now I'm really interested to know if

If the bleachers are turned off by the non-bleachers. That's what we need to know. Somebody tell us. I'm interested in it. I am too. Not in personally doing it. But I am interested in the facts. I want to know the facts. I want to know the psychology behind it. I want to know the demographics. Yeah. Kylie, do you know...

People your age that bleach assholes? I don't know anyone, but I do know it's like a common thing. Straight people, gay people, both. I would imagine all because women. Yeah, I think all. I mean, the people that I've heard talk about it are women. Yeah. So I would I just again didn't know what they were talking about. Really? You know what? I don't know what my asshole looks like. I don't know what my asshole looks like. I think we should take photos of our assholes. Just put my face on there.

That's about what mine looks like, I'm sure. Can't look much worse. This next one is for Bic Pens. Okay. They launched a line called Bic for Her. Okay. And they are pens that are pastel colored. Okay. Kind of offensive. Yeah. This woman writes, I love Bic Crystal for Her. The delicate shape and pretty pastel colors makes it perfect for writing recipe cards. Okay.

Checks to my psychologist. In parentheses, I'm seeing him for a case of the hysterics. And tracking my monthly cycle. Obviously, I don't use it for vulgar endeavors like math or filling out a voter application, but BitCrystal for her is a lovely little writing utensil all the same. Ask your husband for some extra pocket money so you can buy one today. Ha ha ha!

I love that. That I can figure out a satire. Yes. Very good. Pumps cracked the case. Here's the deal. I'm with her though. Pens for women that are pastel colors. Yeah. Go fuck yourself. Absolutely.

Go fuck yourself. Yeah. And I thought they were probably being so it's like an underhanded compliment. Right. Like we're so pro women and here's your little pink pen. Right. So you can make recipe cards. One that you can handle. Right. We wouldn't want to give you a big black or blue pen or red one. Right. Now I've had it.

Okay. All right. The next one is a four-star review on Amazon for one of those, you know, the sun visors that you put on a sunny day across your windshield from the inside. I think they're so stupid. Well, somebody puts one up on their car, buys one, and then puts it up on their car and gives it a four-star review. And the title, this guy's name is Josh. And the title of this is really hard to drive with this. Okay.

I love this product. It keeps my car nice and cool. But I will say that the only defect I have found so far is that it is very hard to drive with this on. I have had over five since I purchased it. After my first fender bender, I decided it was best to roll down the window and stick my head out and see the road.

But even that is hard because my eyes and mouth dry out very quickly. Since then, I have purchased some swimming goggles and a snorkel, which has helped out tremendously during long drive. Overall, I would recommend this product, but only for those who are good at driving without being able to see the road. Yeah.

A plus. A plus for sure. You know, those things, I think they look so stupid and ugly, but I have to tell you, I've gotten in friends' car, cars that they've had them up on a hot day, keeps it a thousand times cooler. I have no opinion on them. None. You don't look, I don't think they're dorky. I don't think they're stupid. I don't think they're ugly. I don't want one. I don't care if somebody else has one. I'm Switzerland on these things. See, I see those and I think, oh, that person must be 150 years old.

That's what you think. Yeah, but it's not. I'm just not as judgmental as you are. Oh, fuck off. All right. So this one is for a cat door that you can install yourself. Like a doggy door, but a cat door. Exactly. Got it. Your favorite animal. Yeah. It's titled Better Than It Looks Online.

I hate that cat, but his door is pretty cool. Ha ha ha!

Sounds like something you'd write. Right. Yeah, that sounds good. I would have never put a cat tour in there, though. What I appreciate about him, though, is he hates the cat, but he takes care of the cat. Right. And he loves his wife. He loves his wife. But he's humane and he enhanced that cat's life. Now that cat's able to come and go at will. Yeah, I would say it made the dog's life worse. Yeah.

Irritates the dogs while they're trying to sleep. But they all have to live together. I know. You have to have a cat. Your anti-cat stance got us a one-star review recently. Oh, it did? Yeah, let me find this and do a dramatic reading. You're tanking our ratings on Apple. Why would anyone care if I like a cat or not? Well, I don't know, but they fucking do. Why do you care about the fucking windshield? The whole point of our show is caring about stupid shit, Captain Obvious.

Okay, one-star review from iEmoji, boy with handout like this emoji, and a clap emoji. That's his bio. Okay. And it says, the title of this one-star review is, no, one-star. Cats hate you too, pumps. Here's the deal. I'm fine with that. Absolutely. I mean, you know. I can live with that. Yeah. I mean, obviously, I mean.

You just can't like everything. You can't. You can't. And you don't have to like cats. No. But you can't be mean to cats. I'm not mean to cats, but I don't go around cats. Right, but you just cannot be mean to a cat. I'm never going to be mean to an animal. You've got to stop this cat abuse. I haven't been in five miles of a cat in 25 years. Bullshit. You've been to my house. I know, but that cat hides. Well, because it knows. Oh, shit. Because it hasn't had those martial arts classes to protect itself from me.

Okay, here is a review on Amazon and the user's, the buyer's name is The Beef. The title of the review is, be sure you really need 60 condoms before you buy 60 condoms. So these are some great condoms, right? But I'm just here to give you all some life advice. I bought these back when I was in a relationship with someone way out of my league.

I figured after how long we had been together, I should just start buying protection in bulk, right? So I buy 60 condoms and we keep getting at it for a while until she dumped me. Now I have this drawer by my bed full of completely superfluous condoms. They sit there mocking me as I drunkenly cradle myself to sleep, cold and alone in my pathetic excuse of an apartment. Great product though. 10 out of 10. Yeah.

I mean, he was so optimistic when he bought 60. Yeah. And he just has to stare in the face of disappointment. Yeah. I love that, though. He gave it a good review. He liked the product. It was honest. And it was honest. This one is for a large order of kazoos. Just a bag of a bunch of kazoos, little plastic ones. Okay. Like a party favor thing. Yeah. And E. Parker writes, they're crap, but it's quantity over quality. Yeah.

Pass them out at a protest against the Westboro Baptist Church to drown them out. Not the loudest on their own, but when you've got 70-odd angry queers kazooing in unison, well. Genius. Genius. We haven't really browbeat the Westboro Baptist Church as much as we need to on this podcast. Yeah, I mean, it's unbelievable. I read a book that a girl that was—her grandfather was the founder of—

And then she grew up in the church. She was like 22 or so. And now she goes and speaks against it. But they like believe that shit. I mean, it's so culty that they honestly think they're saving people's lives by going and spreading all that hate. Yeah. Do you remember when we sent our kids to that like Jewish preschool and they were like two? Yeah. And the Westboro Baptist Church was there? Yeah.

Do you remember that? I don't remember that. They were like, yes. It was like this weird random... I'm just like, what? Like, you think toddlers are, you know, spreading rainbow flags at the Jewish preschool? It's weird. Are you sure they weren't like against Jewish people too? I think, I mean, I think that was part of it. I remember pulling in one day and I saw the, like, God hates F word. And, um...

And I was just like, what? And there wasn't that many of them. There's like four or five. And I was just like, what a random place to protest. But I recently read in the news that the country of Canada has put a travel advisory on their LGBTQIA plus citizens, advising them to be cautious when traveling to specific places.

States in the United States of America. Good for them. Land of the free. Oh, yeah. So embarrassing. I mean, imagine like that is the type of travel advisory that we Americans think that we're going to face. And, you know, going to some Sharia law style country. Right.

And this is what they are passing here. And all the while, oh, I'm for freedom. Right. Everybody can be free as long as they believe what I believe. Right. As long as they're white. Right. Male. Yes. Anglo-Saxon. Protestant. Right. That's it. That's the list. And I think it's so horrible. And think about this. Think about if you were a parent.

raising a child in France or Germany and your child said, I want to go study abroad in the United States. Would you want your child to go to a classroom in the United States of America? No, no, because the likelihood that they could get shot in their classroom is so off the chart high, right? But freedom. Yep. As long as you're like us.

It's just, it's this whole, like that whole side of the country is so in this fucking crazy echo chamber. And Kylie will post some of our stuff that we say, like we're saying right now on the internet. And then I'll see the comments she'll post like on Instagram or wherever. And you see these crazed, unhinged cultists coming.

Come out in the comment section because I forget because I don't have people like that in my life. I forget that they're out there because even in Oklahoma City, you guys, it's not like a super red city. It's very progressive and is getting more and more so. And we live right in the center of the city. Sorry, I live in the center of the city.

Kylie lives in the center of the city. Pumps lives in the suburbs. So there's some fuckery going on out there. But there's no trees in her neighborhood. But that's neither here nor there. It's just another grievance. Light had it that I've had for quite some time that I wanted to get off my chest. Well, get your ass out there and plant some trees if you're so worried about it. Why would I? In that cookie cutter, depressing. I love my neighborhood. Oh, I get depressed the minute I turn into those gates. Anyway.

Um, back to the point that I forget that these people are out there and then you go to the comment section and they are like deranged. Like this guy was just charged with 91 felonies and there's no like MAGA Trump 2024 law and order. And I'm like, Oh yeah. What? It's unbelievable.

I watched a video yesterday of a guy in Iceland and he was walking around and like grabbing high school boys and girls and asking them, when you hear America, what's the first word that pops into your head? Like 90% of these kids said shootings, guns, school shootings. But nobody's going to do anything about it. Oh, the other one was fat. Yeah, no, it's a bad deal. And nobody with any power gives a fuck.

You knew after Sandy Hook, like I was like, okay, they shot kindergartners. Right. This will change it. This will change it. This will be the moment that we change this. And no, I can't. I mean, it's crazy how many shootings there have been since then. I mean, it's like, I think the only time we haven't had school shootings was during quarantine. Right. Yeah.

Or any type of, you know, shooting, mall shooting. I mean, every time I get on the news and the fucked up thing is how desensitized I'm getting to it. Right. I see the headline and then I just scroll on because it's like, oh, another shooting. Nobody's going to do anything about it. I drove by a new Dollar General the other yesterday and I thought, oh my gosh, people are going to be in there. And someone went in there and shot them.

For being at Dollar General or Dollar Store or whatever it is. Yeah, I think that particular shooting was race motivated. Absolutely. I mean, it's just awful. Yep, it's just a little bit off subject here, but every chance we can get on this podcast to browbeat this total authoritarian, hate-filled...

fascist segment of our politics, we middle-aged white women and one younger lesbian are going to stand up and do that every single chance we can get because it is not okay. And everybody needs to talk about it. I agree. Everybody needs to talk about it.

And all of this, oh, I don't want to talk about politics. Oh, I don't like it when y'all talk about politics in your podcast. What a nice life you must live. Right. And to not care at all about other people's suffering. Yeah. What a luxury. Privileged.

one could argue privileged. Step into a world of nonstop action on DraftKings Casino. Play the classics like blackjack, roulette, and slots. Plus, enjoy exclusive games you can't find anywhere else. Right now, new customers can get a deposit match of up to $100 in casino credits when you deposit $5 or more. All you have to do is sign up, select the offer, make your deposit, and start playing from a full suite of games.

Your way is the only way to play on DraftKings Casino. Play online, on your time, in your space, and within your means. It's safe, secure, and reliable, so you can deposit and withdraw your cash whenever you're ready. Download the DraftKings Casino app now. Sign up with promo code HADDIT, and new customers get a deposit match of up to

in casino credits when you deposit $5 or more. Only on DraftKings Casino with promo code HADIT. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. Michigan, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, West Virginia. Please play responsibly in partnership with Hollywood Casino at Charlestown Races in West Virginia. All games regulated by the West Virginia Lottery in Connecticut help

Pumps, I'm just going to toss this here to you. What's going on with all this HelloFresh meal prep at your house? Oh my gosh, I love it. I feel like I'm such a great cook now.

all of my ingredients are fresh. My kids absolutely love it. The variety, I would never imagine the variety of different foods. I absolutely love HelloFresh. I mean, every time I talk to you, it's like you think you're Martha Stewart. You're in the kitchen prepping all this stuff. And it's like, you're way too busy to talk to me because you're in the throes of all this HelloFresh stuff. It's like completely revamped you. I know, I'm just quite the little chef now. So domestic, it's unbelievable. Listener, if you wanna be like pumped

and be the star of your home. As Pump says, go to HelloFresh.com slash 50IVEHATIT and use code 50IVEHATIT for 50% off plus 15% off the next two months. Again, go to HelloFresh.com slash 50IVEHATIT and use code 50IVEHATIT for 50% off plus 15% off the next two months. HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit.

Humps, as fall is starting to roll in, it's just time to do a little wardrobe update. Agree. You know, I love a little cashmere sweater. Nothing more perfect weight than a cashmere sweater. It's great for an airplane. It's great for if you go into a restaurant. It's great for a crisp fall walk.

And you always want to look stylish when you're exercising, correct? Absolutely. Or strolling through an airport, you don't want to be a slob. I would hate that. Our friends at Jenny Kane have the best products. I'm telling you guys, these sweaters are so fantastic and they totally embody like California contemporary clothing. I absolutely love the cashmere cocoon. They're a bestseller every season and I'm always most excited to style them each fall.

Find your forever pieces at JennyCain.com. Our listeners get 15% off your first order when you use code HATIT at checkout. That's 15% off your first order. J-E-N-N-I-K-A-Y-N-E.com. Be sure to use the promo code HATIT. Let getting dressed be one less thing you have to worry about.

Pumps, it seems like all you do lately is exercise. You're going to two or three exercise classes a day, and then you come swing by the studio, and I'm thinking, boy, she's really going to stink. And much to my surprise, you smell like a little blossoming flower. What's your secret? Lume. I love their products. It's fantastic stuff. I can do it right after workout, and I feel completely fresh to go on with the rest of my day.

I love Lume because they have this cream and you know, I'm an avid athlete, both tennis and pickleball. And so a lot of my body sweats during my training, but particularly my feet. And I'm able to rub this Lume cream on my foot before I put my sock and then of course my court shoe on. And I mean, I am playing like you wouldn't believe in my feet are as fresh and clean as you could possibly imagine. All thanks to Lume.

As a special offer for our listeners, new customers get $5 off a Lume Starter Pack with code HADIT at LumeDeodorant.com. That equates to over 40% off your starter pack when you visit LumeDeodorant.com and be sure to use the code HADIT. What comes to mind when you picture the perfect roommate?

One who comes when you call? One who doesn't forget to lock the door? One who doesn't steal your milk just a little bit at a time, hoping you won't notice? At Apartments.com, we understand that when it comes to roommates, a pet can be your best bet. They're easygoing, eat what you serve them, and they never clog the toilet. That's why we have the most pet-friendly rental listings on the internet.

And with instant alerts, you'll know the moment your perfect pet friendly place becomes available. So when you need a place that's pet friendly and human tolerant, check out apartments.com, the place to find your pet friendly place. Okay, back to the matter at hand, which is all of the fuckery going on on the Amazon reviews. We have digressed. So let me get back to it. Okay, so here is a microwave cooking for one cookbook.

This one gets four stars by an Amazon customer. And the title of this one is Recipes Too Salty. I found I had to cut back on the amount of salt in any given recipe because my tears of loneliness often over seasoned whatever dish I happen to be heating.

It's pretty good. It's good. Okay, the next review on the Microwave Cooking for One is a two-star review. And this one is titled, Very Sad. Probably one of the most depressing books I have ever read. I cried for days. Very sad. Don't read alone at night by a candle. And here's one final one on this Microwave Cooking for One cookbook.

And this one is a five-star review. Oh, good. And it's titled, it's by Joe, and it's titled, Tip, Multiply the Ingredients to Cook for More Than One. Isn't Joe sassy? Joe writes, because of my extensive training in math, I have even noticed that if you double or triple the ingredients, you actually can serve two or three. Okay.

Just be sure to get the math correct. I once multiplied the ingredients by six, but I only had three people to cook for. I ended up giving one person two servings and put two servings in the fridge. He thinks he's so cute. Because of my extensive training in math.

I love all this Amazon reviews. I love the Amazon reviews. And I've even gotten where I actually look at the reviews. Oh, you do? I do. Because sometimes I'll be like, oh my gosh, I love this product. It looks so good online. And then all the reviews are like 2.5. So I'll be like, I'm out. Let me ask you this. Do you ever leave a review? Never. I've never left a review.

Okay, that's helpful for this flirtation with Karenism that I've been monitoring. That's helpful to know that you're not leaving reviews. Yeah, no, that's too much energy. Okay. But I will have to say, I've gotten so bad that almost everything I buy, I buy from Amazon because of the convenience. Let me ask you this. You talk about going to Walmart all the time. What are you buying at Walmart? Like fresh stuff.

Okay. Like milk. Okay. Eggs, that kind of thing. Okay. But I do love a good Amazon purchase. I love Amazon. And I know that we're all supposed to shop local and do all of those things. But it's like...

All of that stuff. People are like, I love Costco. And I'm like, why do you want to schlep? Why do you want to go in when you can have Amazon deliver it right to your front door, fight with the delivery truck driver for doing his job and delivering you your stuff that you're too lazy to drive to the store and get over blocking your driveway? Why would anybody...

Not want that in their life. I know. Because we wouldn't have a podcast. No, we wouldn't have a podcast. Something we haven't really talked about is what do we think about Jeff Bezos? You know, I love my Amazon so much. I kind of like him and he seems like of the billionaires.

The best by far. So I did a deep dive on his fiance's Instagram the other day. Lauren Sanchez. She's gorgeous. And I think age appropriate, right? Age appropriate. Gorgeous Latina bombshell. And it's all about all this like environmental stuff. Like her whole thing is like save the earth, clean the beaches. It's like all these environmental initiatives. And I agree out of all the billionaires that,

He seems to be the most likable. And I know all of our young little democratic socialist listeners are probably going to be just going fucking bananas in the YouTube section. But I mean, he is. I mean, he it's self-made. I mean, he didn't inherit anything. He started the whole company in his garage. Really selling books. Yes.

Yeah. So you got to give him an A for effort. Yeah. He didn't inherit any money. None. That's amazing. Not that I'm not that I've read. I'm sure we'll get corrected different, but I'm pretty sure I went to his Wikipedia page at one point when I deep dived the fiance's, uh,

Instagram page I went and it was like that he had started Amazon in his garage I do and I have a little bit more respect for him than he's married to someone age-appropriate yeah because he could have a 22 year old supermodel if you wanted yeah not sure she'd be cuter than his current fiance and didn't they just give like a hundred million dollars to something

I don't know, but I am going to say this. The rocket ships, the billionaires, and Jeff Bezos is one of those, quit blasting off into space. I wonder how you reconcile the space exploration with the saving of the Earth. That's a good question, Pumps. That is a really good question. How do you save the planet while blasting CO2 up in the atmosphere for kicks, for grins and giggles? I wonder if you're a millionaire and his fiancee, a billionaire, if that's what you fight over.

Maybe. Kylie, what do you think of Jeff? I feel like I don't know a lot about him, which is why he seems like the most likable. That's probably true. He's not saying stupid shit on the internet constantly. He's not trying to go have a fighting match with Zuckerberg or Musk at the Coliseum. He could be an awful person, but he's just not letting us know. Right. He's smarter because he's hiding it better. Yeah. Yeah. What is his girl? What is his fiance? Yeah. What does she do? I think she was a journalist. Yeah.

And she is a world-class boyfriend picker. Absolutely. I need to get her to give me tips. The best picker of boyfriends. She nailed it. Undefeated. She nailed it. Hashtag undefeated. Because he just bought this big yacht thing.

like big fucking monster yacht. And so they were like touring all around the med. And so I saw on a post or maybe on some news site, it was like all of her outfits and they're, you know, on and off. And, and I was just like, Oh, well, I mean, I've got a deep dive her. And she was, I mean, it wasn't an offensive Instagram page. I mean, it was like, I mean, there is some of the stuff like, you know, she's very voluptuous and very attractive and,

And so she has on very form fitting outfits, which I totally support because she has the body to. You got the body. Do it. And, you know, there's a lot of a lot of that. But I'm just like, you know what? She owns it. Like, she looks great. Whatever. But.

Yeah. Yeah. She's number one boyfriend picker. Yeah. See if we can get a consult for me. Yeah. I bet she'll fit that right in. Maybe you could squeeze that in right after your asshole bleaching appointment. Like your eye cow will pop up. Asshole waxing first to remove the hair. Maybe you could bleach it first. Just see how it felt. Then wax it. Yeah.

Then bleach the skin. Bleach the hair, wax the hair, bleach the skin. I just don't know if I want somebody in my house all that long.

Well, listener, thank you for joining us. Here's the deal. You've got to go give us five-star reviews, although The Cat was a great read and warranted. And I support it. Right. I support that one-star review. But don't do that. Give us five stars. Pumps did this best.

basically from her deathbed because the show must go on and if you have any great amazon reviews that you've seen please dm those to kylie kylie josie or at i've had a podcast she runs both of those accounts and join us on patreon we have bonus content we have a new person that has joined our team madison that is going to run the patreon she's going to get video of pumps and i out in the wild and

I mean, I would, for one, would like this asshole bleaching thing on Patreon. I don't know if I can convince her to do it, but I'm going to try. And Documentary Club on Patreon. That's right. Documentary Club. Hot shit tour is fucking fire hot shit. Bleached asshole shit. We'll see you next Tuesday or Thursday. I'll tell you what I've had it with.

This is Below Decks Captain Lee. Listen to my new podcast, Salty with Captain Lee. Um, don't you mean our podcast? Uh, yeah, I guess I do. Anyhow, listen to Salty with Captain Lee, co-hosted by my assistant, Sam. And we will be talking about the latest pop culture news and all the gossip every week.

So does this mean we have to talk by ourselves, about ourselves, or can at least have some guests on? I don't know, I find myself pretty interesting, but yeah, we can have some guests on. Some of our reality TV friends and some stars. Works for me. Listen to Salty now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.

This podcast is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Let's face it, sometimes multitasking can be overwhelming. Like when your favorite podcast is playing and the person next to you is talking and your car fan is blasting all while you're trying to find the perfect parking spot. But then again, sometimes multitasking is easy. Like quoting with Progressive Insurance. They do the hard work of comparing rates so you can find a great rate that works for you, even if it's not with them. Give their nifty comparison tool a try and you might just find getting the rate and coverage you need is easy.

All you need to do is visit Progressive's website to get a quote with all the coverages you want, like comprehensive and collision coverage or personal injury protection. Then you'll see Progressive's direct rate, and their tool will provide options from other companies all lined up and ready to compare, so it's simple to choose the rate and coverages you like.

Press play on comparing auto rates. Quote at Progressive.com to join the over 28 million drivers who trust Progressive. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Comparison rates not available in all states or situations. Prices vary based on how you buy.

This podcast is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Let's face it, sometimes multitasking can be overwhelming. Like when your favorite podcast is playing and the person next to you is talking and your car fan is blasting all while you're trying to find the perfect parking spot. But then again, sometimes multitasking is easy. Like quoting with Progressive Insurance. They do the hard work of comparing rates so you can find a great rate that works for you, even if it's not with them. Give their nifty comparison tool a try and you might just find getting the rate and coverage you need is easy.

All you need to do is visit Progressive's website to get a quote with all the coverages you want, like comprehensive and collision coverage or personal injury protection. Then you'll see Progressive's direct rate, and their tool will provide options from other companies all lined up and ready to compare, so it's simple to choose the rate and coverages you like.

Press play on comparing auto rates. Quote at Progressive.com to join the over 28 million drivers who trust Progressive. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Comparison rates not available in all states or situations. Prices vary based on how you buy.