William Osman & Chuckle Week Begins
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- Welcome everyone, one and all, to the very first episode of Chuckle Week on our very beautiful set here. We're here, baby. That's an applause. - Finally, it happened. We're finally chuckling. - Today we're starting off our wonderful week of glory, beauty, love, and friendship with our very special guest, who we have not had on the podcast yet. - Not yet. You haven't even done that many podcasts.

Shut up. It's Mr. William Osmond. Hello, and we'd like to thank the sponsor of today's podcast. Okay. Not sponsoring the episode. God, bleep that out in post-production. What, they got the whole sandwich theme going on?

No, the Chuckle Sandwich theme was from Ted's little baby boy choir class or whatever the fuck. This is just going to be an abusive house. So basically Ted was big into improv and fun theater. And so what he did was he had this group called Chuckle Sandwich. He's smirking and he's just like mouth agape.

Like just taking the original story. It was a shame it fell apart because Subway poured so much money into it. The original story behind Chuckle Sandwich is that I was in a high school improv group that was called Chuckle Sandwich and then the group

fell apart a couple years ago like they stopped like auditioning for it in that high school they stopped laughing they stopped laughing the chuckles the chuckles slowly faded into the darkness it was just just a sandwich they all went to work at like fucking jimmy john's um and so i was like sandwich i was like i love that name i think it's a really good pun charlie likes puns and i was starting to i was we had we had decided to start a podcast together

I chose it in part because I really like the name but also because it kind of connected to your love of puns Which was where are you saying chuckle sandwich is a pun? It's knuckle sandwich. I I think knuckle sandwich, but chuckle. Yeah, I actually didn't I had no fucking clue Chuckle sandwich. Yeah

I had no fucking clue. You had no idea? I just thought it was a cool name. Do you think anyone listening actually knows that it's a play on words? Or have we just been crying out into the void this whole time? Well, I was aware of that. Is that why you guys were like,

About the name like no I knew it was a pot. I mean it's like okay Yeah, we do like fast punchy bits like knuckle sandwich chocolate sandwich. Okay, so it's flat was the only one in the dark It's completely blank on his face. I had no idea look like a lost little boy at an amusement park right now Like you look like you're crying out for your mom. I'm looking like you have your subway. I haven't had my subway listen We had subway last night. Oh funny story. Oh

On my first night in L.A., Los Angeles, the city of dreams, my favorite city on the planet. You breathe in the smog. It's fantastic, right? I order a little DoorDash.

First of all, we get into the Airbnb. The TV is like one inch wide. It's like one inch. It's a one inch TV. The room is very liminal. Scott, we'll throw up, Scott will throw up, if you're watching, audio listeners, sorry about this, but Scott will throw up a picture. Throw up a TV and make it really small. I saw the coffee table I literally saw on Etsy hours earlier when I was shopping.

On the plane. The couch collapsed, the artwork was way too small. The couch was collapsed already. We need to talk about the actual couch first. Is that the couch's fault? So there's like this blue-gray, like, stained couch in this Airbnb. So here's the thing. Before these guys even got here, Schlatt had maybe a couple days before the week

was like, hey guys, can we actually do hotels? Because I've had a really bad experience with Airbnbs. Every single Airbnb I've ever stayed at has been a fucking shithole. Definitely, it's gone. Six hours before I fly out, I see that. Yeah. It has kind of gotten worse, I feel like. A little bit. And I was thinking to myself, I was like, I've been to Airbnbs. But the last Airbnb I went to was in August of 2020. So it's...

I don't know. Things could have gotten a lot worse, I'm sure. They did. But I was just like, okay, he's being a little bit of goody two-shoes. He wants his little hotel. He wants his five-star foot rub. He wants all the shebang. But we get into this hotel, and I'm like, I'm thinking to myself, the moment we get into this Airbnb, I'm like, okay, I'm not going to hear the end of this from this.

It's Slatt. The diva himself. He's like, he sees an ant. He's like, ants are in the bathroom. Ants are in the bathroom. There's ants everywhere. There's ants in the bathroom. What house have you ever been in where there wasn't some ants? Mine? You never have ants? No. Ever? No. Ants are sort of an issue in LA. That's a thing.

I mean, Ian's in the bathroom. I know it was a problem because the house didn't come with much, but there was a can of Raid on the counter. Okay. So they gave you a solution. They gave me a can of Raid. That's a bit indicative of a larger movie. More of an Airbnb sort of colony experience. You know how they send you- It's a co-op. Yeah, exactly. They'll send you a message before you go in there, like, here's what you need to know. And then they're like-

You'll see that we put extra care into the upkeep of this apartment, and it's a fucking can of Raid on the table. They give you a discount of like one penny for each ant you kill. The drawers are falling off. Yeah. The fridge is not connected to the water. One of the funniest things was when Charlie and I, when we first walked into the...

uh, Airbnb. We went around and we tested all of the beds. Do you remember that? And we were like, Oh, that was right too. Cause yeah, I spent so much time trying to pick out a nice bedroom. Right. And I only got one. I was like moving my bags around while they were scouting. Cause I wanted to be the one to actually get one. Um, it's like the classic, like fan, like if you've ever been on a family vacation, that's like the, you're like, we all somehow it's like, so I was moving a little slow. He was just,

gonna do whatever but but Charlie and I kind of like knew the family vacation score where it's like whoever finds the first room yeah it's dibs it's dibs rules and then I put my hand on the bed and just immediately feel the the sharp metal coil of the springs beneath

Yeah, and we were like, "Mm-mm." Yeah, no, we ran around the whole thing too, I remember. We were like, "No!" We were like, "And the next bed couldn't be the same way." And then you walk out of the bedroom, right? You walk out of the bedroom, you go down the hallway to the next one, and on the wall is a piece of printer paper with clip art that they found on Microsoft Word with just like yellow smiley faces like this.

Quiet down. Quiet hour is 10 p.m. to 8 a.m. Like a clip art child looking around the corner. Yes. So there's one piece of paper that has the quiet hour time. And then the other piece of paper is just clip art. Laminated clip art with just random images of people like this. So here's the thing. Ian hasn't... So Ian, our manager Ian, who booked...

The Airbnb in the first place has never heard of any of these complaints, but we have them on microphone right now. Ian, what do you have to say for yourself? Ian, what do you feel about this? I was worried when I heard nothing about it. Like, you guys went to the Airbnb, and then there was zero communication until this morning. Oh, I've been communicating. I just don't think anybody's been relaying it over to you. Well, yeah, because it's like, you just...

You just say things and they just shout into the world and it's just like, okay, someone's going to hear them. And he just wants to be heard. I just put things out there. He doesn't want a solution. He just wants to be heard. I don't want solutions. I just want to be angry. You just want something that you can put. Okay, Airbnb sucks. But what were you talking about before? You were talking about you ordered food.

Oh, yeah. You guys can't even stay on a conversation. You get so mad at everything. You are our guest. You are our guest. I'm the podcast regulator. So, William, you're the guest here. You have no right to tell us. That's the point. I'm here to listen to you guys. The live audience. We know you.

Wow, so it's like, I mean, what else are we gonna learn? And so listen to this story. You seem parched. Take a drink. Take a drink. Take a long drink. We just have to- Go ahead now. Go ahead now. This is the first episode of the week. Before he's done. So we just have to say some things about our current last few days before we start chatting with William about whatever the fuck he's got going on. Yeah, and so I'm gonna continue my story, William, and when I'm done with it, I want you to laugh. You bet I'm gonna laugh. That's what we said. Once the cameras turn on, we just start laughing. He's looking at people for a couple laughs. I mean-

So what did we order? What food did we order? Panda Express. Panda Express. Yeah, we got the Panda. Yeah. And we went through this whole rigmarole of picking. It was actually an ordeal. It was an ordeal. I hadn't slept in like nine hours or something. And I just woke up from a nap to you like trying to get into my room.

I remember this vividly. You're making it sound like I was trying to break in. Yeah, so I hear this. I see a little bit of an axe go through a door, and so I run over. I throw some clothes on. I come out. You've got fury in your eyes. Head with a baseball bat. Pushes me down the stairs. I get up. I had a knee breaker burger right now.

my hand. Exactly, yeah. There went my kneecaps and I get up and you're like, you're telling me about how I need like three sides and three entrees and I'm like, I just want the rice and you're like, you need three, like you have to get three. Here's how it works, he didn't understand. No, I was so confused. The way the plates work at Panda Express, if you'll let me fucking explain them, which you didn't, you were just like, oh!

I don't get it. I felt like I was just bored. You have three entrees. I felt like I was just bored. You have three entrees in two sides. And I just wanted chicken. And if you just want chicken, then you have to select three chicken. You have to do one, two, three on the same thing. And you just didn't get it. But I just want one chicken. You didn't understand. So it doesn't matter.

Oh my god, oh my god, oh yeah, yeah, you know what? I did but then I did and guess what? Guess what? Never fucking came it never showed up, please. All right one at a time breathe out everyone Let's get some breaths here. All right, bring the mic breathe in everyone breathe in then take one sip after you at the top of your breath to go

I'll take a little sip. Very nice. You know the problem with three entrees is they give you that stupid little side container for it. Well, we wouldn't know. You know, we wouldn't know because our fucking DoorDasher, Katie, just went home with it. And she's watching this. I got the notification from DoorDash saying, hello, Katie is on her way.

Not. And an hour later we were watching Terminator 1. First couple seconds of Terminator 1 you see Arnold Schwarzenegger's big fat juicy cock as he teleports in from the middle of nowhere. You don't see it at all in the movie. You see it swinging in the wind before he fucks up that goth punk with the blue hair. What?

I gotta say, his ass is like, it's like sleek. It's like a shining diamond. It is, it is. That was before like. It is extraordinary. It's not computer graphics either. I know. It's real. It's a real ass. He was, he's walking towards the guys on the telescope and you can see his cock.

Am I the only one that noticed? I guess I never really looked at it. There was one scene where you could see it. That wasn't even the focus of the frame. Wasn't even the focus, but my eyes went there. Ian, can you just go ahead and pull up Arnold Schwarzenegger's cock just super, super fast? Ian, real quick, just a quick photo of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Oh, there it is. Wow.

Whoa. Wow, I didn't think you were right. There it is right there. No, thank you, Ian. You want me to keep zooming in on it? Can you zoom in a little bit? Oh, God, I didn't even see it. I'm going to scroll down. I think his ass is nice. So, William Osmond, welcome to the podcast. You literally didn't finish your story at all. Our first question for you is what would you do with that thing? We're not, like, rushed for time or something. You complimented it. Well, hang on, guys. What part of the sandwich William...

- The bologna, the cheap meat. - So we have some more meat? I'm actually a little bit of meat myself. I didn't think we'd be running into this issue this early. - Okay, what do you need me to be? Cheese? - What are you? - Grilled onions? - We could use a little grilled onions. - I don't like grilled onions. - Are you gonna cry about it? - What about raw onions? I love grilled onions!

Can we get a couple of each maybe? Yeah, what's your okay? So if you had to choose a place to get a burger from or this is gonna be a fight guys You were talking about the onions and now you said grilled onions, and I was just like why would you know what happened? I was just thinking that when I think of grilled onions. I think of five guys Ted stop Stop man William go ahead. I'm afraid to talk about

You guys are like a married couple right now. It really is. It honestly is so juicy, though. Seriously, if we can just pull up his fat ass again just one more time. Look at that juicy, thick, full of seminal fluids. Yeah, I'll zoom in for it. Oh, nice. What I do to suck them up like a fucking Hoover vacuum, boy toy, Frank Ocean, DHL. What? You're just saying brands now. DHL's a shipping company, right? Yeah, it is. It is.

Frank Ocean, DHL, Big Big Big. FedEx, USPS. Big Hot. Subway. Frank's Hot Sauce. Right on Arnold Schwarzenegger's tip. I like In-N-Out Burger.

What an awesome segue. I feel like this is such almost like a violent conversation online about hamburgers. There's only one topic I think I see Reddit get mad about more than hamburgers. It's about In-N-Out versus any other burger ever. Yeah. Well, I mean, are you like a really big In-N-Out guy? I do. Okay. Do you know that In-N-Out is like the same price, if not cheaper than McDonald's?

Their whole thing is being cheap, right? Is that their whole thing? Their whole thing is cheap and fast and strangely customizable. Yeah. It's not though, is it? It's pretty streamlined. It's streamlined if you don't, if you've never been there before, but then you can just start saying words to them. You can say, hey, can I get a- HL Arnold Schwarzenegger's cock. Hey, can I get a four by four animal style- Can I get Arnold two by seven? You can get an animal style protein style. Do you even know what that means?

Code black. It means they take all the greasy shit from the grill, they throw it on there, they put some extra sauce in there, and then, instead of a bun, they put it in between lettuce rolls. I thought it was just a lettuce. Yeah, I've seen it, like the lettuce bun thing. Animal style is like the... Animal style, make it cock ass. Double trippy, bassy deluxe. Well, hold on. Do you want an actual answer? Here's the thing about the...

- I think a party rockin' burger. - Here's the thing about the protein style, Charlie, and I think that you would really like this. - I've substituted the bun for lettuce before. - Oh, okay, so you know. - You've substituted the bun for lettuce? - Yeah, it's an option, right? - Have you tried this before? - It's for a reason.

It's surprisingly good because when you bite into it, you're not getting all the flavors messed up with that starchy bun. Now you're getting all the meat, all the cheese, all of the other condiments that you put on there. Maybe put some chilies on there. Maybe a couple onions. I'm sorry. Maybe a couple grilled onions. Are all three of you?

In support of replacing the bun with lettuce? Okay, so here's what I'll say. Here's what I'll say. Don't get me wrong. I like a grilled bun. And what is this called? This is called protein style. Protein style. They just call it that because it cuts out the carbs. It is a replacement at the end of the day, right? I mean, a burger is going to be the buns.

I mean, at the end of the day, a burger's a burger. And, like, you can't really truly replace a burger. But what you can get is another experience. What would we be if we were just chuckle rap? Right? Right. Where would we be? Would we be here? The bottom. I don't think so. We'd be at the bottom of the ocean. Living in a dumpster. The bottom of the bread. Living in a dumpster at the bottom of the ocean. Well, I would be the guy that Arnold Schwarzenegger killed with his dick out in Terminator. That would be me. And his ass. And his ass. And his ass out. Both swinging. Yep. His ass swinging. It's all swinging, man. Here's the thing about Arnold. I bet he has, like...

It's like a strong cock. Okay. Strong. Well, you don't know that. No, don't cut him off. But it seems like he might. Like he could open a bottle of beer with it? Yeah, like something like that where he's like he could do some sort of trick. Like maybe he could put a coin on it. Like a prehensile. Yeah, yeah. Like a elephant. Like a trunk. Oh, yeah. I mean, I feel like most. You think you could flip a coin with your cock? Is that what you're saying? Is that what you're about to say?

I have coins right now. Ian, can we get a graphic of a coin up? I'm gonna invent something. Yep. We're gonna interact with it here in a second. Here's a coin. Just put it. I'll make a little sound for it. Yeah, just do it under the table. Yeah, just do it under the table and they won't tell if it's whether or not it's a coin. I mean, I'm right next to it. I'll know, but... Come on.

I'll take a sip of that and we'll move on. Okay. Did you know that two out of three men will experience some form of hair loss by the time that they're 35? Wow, that's harrowing. That would be a pretty bad thing for you, Schlatt. Yeah.

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Me neither. Get key nutrients without all the BS. Right now you can get 10% off three months of a monthly subscription when you go to ritual.com slash chuckle. That's ritual.com slash chuckle. Thanks Ritual for sponsoring today's episode and enjoy. Happy Chuckle Week. So William, you went to school for engineering, did you? Yeah. For those of you who don't know about William's channel, he's sort of like the misfit of YouTube.

You know we I mean I know William very very well I consider him one of my very close friends And he on his channel. He does these wonderful stupid videos Where he I think one that comes to mind as of late is that he did a third-person Eric oh? That was really good coin with his wanker like a bomb he did a video where you oh?

where you did third person cutting your hair. But I mean, just tell the audience who may not know you necessarily about your channel. What do you do? The only way I can describe it is like Michael Reeves

Watched my videos as part of his inspiration for his channel and then became bigger than me So I'm sort of like I'm like the unfinished prototype of Michael. Okay, the worst the worst Michael gotcha. So just like take Don't worry. Don't worry. You know every single comment is like Michael could have done this better

Really doesn't mean yeah, no there's more. It's more than just Michael - this yeah the new guy the house stuff No stuff made here. There's like crazy, so you're you are sort of like just the angry I'm like store brand younger Jim. No. No, I'm the store brand fine You're like the old neighbor that yells at get off my lawn skateboard. Yeah, no William is malt o' meal

Captain Crunch. He's the old guy. Captain Crunch. That's just words, man. That's both of those are named right. How do you even know about? What is animal style? Your mom only lets you get it like once a year. You get the biggest bag. You don't know Malto Meal? Ian, can you look up? Can you get us a bowl of Malto Meal, please? On it.

He's on it right now. It sounds familiar, but I have no idea what it is. It sounds like... Motto Meal is the big bag with the knockoff cereal. Like the five-pound bag of cereal. Yeah, and on it... That's like the brand? Yeah. It sounds like Italian cereal, to be honest. And it'll say, like... Motto Meal. This is supposed to... On the bag, it will be like...

this is a competitor to Captain Crunch. And it's kind of like a sad-looking Captain. This should taste like Captain Crunch. Technically, they are in the same aisle. Yeah, yeah. But the cereal's a little bit bigger than Captain Crunch. Yeah, it's a little bit different. It looks like the generic brand, the loose bags of cereal you would find in the aisle.

Okay. Not in a box, just a loose bag of cereal. A loose bag? Yeah. William, you're just a loose bag, man. Yeah, yeah. How do you feel? Honestly, man, I couldn't care less. Really? Yeah, because people are still buying it. That's true. No, I actually, I watched your whole haircut in third person video. Are you still rocking it, the third person? No, I had to get it fixed, the supercut. Oh, really? It was bad.

It was really bad. Yeah, I thought it was pretty bad. It was like what happened was my arms started getting really tired. Like, I used really crappy scissors, like safety scissors that they give you in kindergarten. Oh, like arts and crafts? Yeah. And it just couldn't cut the hair. And so I was sitting there trying and trying and trying, and I just had, like, way too much hair at that point. I think I probably had maybe as much hair as you have. Oh, you want to bet? A little bit less. Man, top knot. I had a lot of hair. Man bun. Top knot. I didn't even realize it was that long. Wait, does that actually tie it up?

There's some of it. Can you let it down and just kind of like rub it against the mic maybe? You've got like such a magical combination of... Yeah, you have nice hair.

You have such a magical combination of types of hair though. If you just lean your head all the way down, what you've got going on right there is like high school lacrosse player lettuce in the back. I got some lettuce. You got a little bit of lettuce. You're adding a little. Oh, we're going protein style. Oh my goodness. So, I mean, we used to call the girls lacrosse team chicks with sticks.

I would have laughed at that. In middle school, we used to call them that. Yeah, it was funny. What about... I suppose you can apply that to every sport, really. Chicks with balls? So, William, what's your favorite video you've done? Oh, it's all over my face.

It's so cold. How did you do that? I could totally piss myself right now and you guys would have no idea. Wow. Damn. You know what's incredible? None of this got on the tablecloth or anything. All of this water went directly from the cup onto William's ball sack. You gotta stand up, bro. You gotta show us that. You gotta show us that. Let's see it. Let's see it.

Ooh! Oh! Oh, God. Oh! Hang on, this is what the napkins are for, everyone. Ooh, wow. Get the napkins out here. There's actually only two in the box. Like that scene from Terminator. Oh! Fart into the mic, come on! Turn around. Give a full one in. No, you gotta turn around, man. That's so funny. You gotta... I'm trying. The camera's gotta see it. The camera's gotta see that shit. That is so funny. Very quickly. Um... Oh, shit! Oh!

I've never seen such- I've never- Audio listeners, do you hear that ass?

Yes. For our audio listeners, love you to death. Williams had a bit of a wet situation on his down below. Water sports going on over here. It's kind of actually a little bit like depression. So I guess Schlatt's just going to top you off. I'm afraid. Schlatt, stop hitting the fucking table. I'll polish you off right now. The only reason he's filling it up is so he can smack the table again. Let's just position this right here. For our lovers at production, I think for the future, we probably should get a sandbag down there.

Unless we don't have one down there. We need the instant replay on that. Wow, I'm sorry about that, William. Where do we even take it from there? I feel like, cool, what are we talking about? I don't know, man. I mean, that was pretty funny. It feels nice. Does it? Yeah, it does, actually. It's going to get swampy real fast. Well, right now it feels nice. Let us know when it gets swampy. Right, right. So, I noticed...

What? So what I was asking before- William just kinda texted us saying "Guys, I pissed myself." Nice of you to give him that save as well. I'm gonna call 911 right now. You actually pulled your phone out and started. Yeah, Ian can we get 911? Yeah, we'll walk out in pants. Ask them if they need emergency pants.

Cool. They'll know what we're talking about. William, I was gonna ask before all that happened, Fran. I was gonna ask just what is your favorite, because I've seen a lot of your videos. One of the ones that sticks out to me, literally, as well, is the finger in the windshield one. Oh my god. I don't know why I come back to that every once in a while. That video is so, I have no idea. Because everyone asks the question. That was my thought, was like this idea of you're in a car, your parents are driving, you're messing around, and when the window starts going up and it's closed.

It's almost like you get an adrenaline, the kind of squeeze, like the panic when you're a kid. For sure. I was thinking that's something that might be deep-seated in people's brains. You were right. Holy crap. What are some other things that are deep? You actually hit it. I have a feeling that you were trying to hit that mark again with the recent video that you did where- Garbage disposal? What happens if you put your- What would happen to your hand if you put it in a garbage disposal? Oh, my God. I actually have a story about that. There was a- Uh-oh.

Okay, so no. What? You have a story about that? Yeah, it's actually why, audio listeners, why I'm holding this microphone right now with just two big stumps. No, there was a... Just two big stumps. You put one hand in and then you were like, no, I don't think I know what happened. He put one hand in and then tried to fish his fingers out. And then he got out.

No, there was an escape room I went to, I think, in Seattle at some point, and it was like a horror-themed escape room. Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, no. And there was a couple things you needed to, like, crawl under, like, some things. I got separated. It was, like, a separate room. They made me crawl in and solve a little mini-puzzle, and I'm good at escape rooms, but...

there was like keys hidden around. One of them was in the drain and there was a switch next to it. And so when you turn, and you couldn't like see it, you could just feel the key. And when you turn it on, you heard a garbage disposal. So it's like the solution was to turn on the garbage disposal and then reach down and get the key. And I physically like, I like had such a hard time doing it. I think I like stuck like a fork in or something first just to make sure. It's like one of those things that scares me. That sound is such a specific sound too. Yeah.

Can we get that just playing over all of us right now? Ian, can you do us an impression real quick of a garbage disposal? It's like a growl and a clang. Ian, we gave you the microphone for a reason, please. Thank you. So that's what a garbage disposal is. I'm doing a garbage disposal with a fork in it. Ian puts his hand into the garbage disposal now. So let's get the base garbage disposal going with Ian.

Real quick. Okay, you need a fork. That's good. Alright, now you stick your hand in it. That's good. That's good. That's the hand being shredded. Sorry about the levels there. No, it's good. Yeah, so that was probably my worst, like, because it's one of those things where it's, well, it was like, it was one of those things where ordinarily escape rooms are fine. I know it's a controlled environment, but it's just like, that is such a deep-seated fear. That one actually bothered you a lot. Now, here's a question for you. What if there was an escape room with a non-controlled environment?

- So... - An escape room on a beach. - Or like a jigsaw. - The possibility of drowning exists. - Okay, so the ocean is what you're talking about now? - Yes. Escape the ocean. - Okay. - Put you in a glass box.

- Filled with air. - So a trap. An escape room, an uncontrolled escape room is a trap, I think is what you're saying. - Well, I mean, I suppose there's multiple ways you could look at that. It could also be a surprise. - And the surprise is that you can't get out. - Yes. - Okay, well I know the surprise now. Surprise, surprise! - Surprise! - Surprise, you're in prison. - We start with surprise. - Ocean jail. - But listen,

Turtle, if you start with surprise... I hear they have some cool puzzles in jail. We invented a new jail. It's a box in the ocean. Surely you understand, though, if we start with surprise and then trap comes after. I mean, it doesn't seem as bad. I... Wait, what are you talking about? As opposed to trapping someone and then giving them a surprise? Okay, I've trapped you. Surprise.

Surprise you're trapped William if you could trap any one of us who would it be all three of you? That's really see that's so nice of you. I mean we are kind of trapped in here. We're right now It's like a time trap. Yeah, you actually couldn't get out right now cuz you're stuck between it. Can you spell water? I'm glued on this is the TV It would actually make me feel a lot better if you guys had water in your laps as well You said TV. Do you watch have you been watching Loki? Yeah, let's talk about that. I like and tell us oh

I like it a lot. You do? Yeah. Why? I don't know. It just is like, it feels, you know, like. I'm talking about Loki of the Marvel series, by the way, folks. The horn, the guy with the horns. The guy with the horns and also sometimes. The horny guy. Horny and mischievous man. For himself. Well, no spoilers.

No spoilers. No spoilers. We like it. I don't care about this. I don't care about Loki. Have you watched it? No. You're not even the guest. Here's what I think. I think there's something about a big, larger-than-life organization with shadowy stuff controlling quote-unquote anomalies. It's just so fascinating. It feels like some of the other shows haven't had a big idea like that. Yeah. It's like a movie-level idea. I think WandaVision had a really cool...

TV idea. Right, exactly. There was a bit to unravel with WandaVision for sure. I liked it the most before it became the last episode and they actually, and I know they had to do it, right? Because it couldn't just stay. They had to return it to a normal character. But that's an idea that's perfect for TV because you're

It's like localized to this little world. Yeah, satirizing, satirizing. I think those are kind of like parody a little bit. Yeah, and it's like with the old TV shows. But Loki does feel like more high concept. Yeah, I think the thing that I like the most about Loki is just how...

and I'm about to bring out a film term right now. How good the mise-en-scene is for that. What the heck are you talking about? It's like a Dutch angle, but there's more. I didn't know mise-en-scene was that bad. Talking about Loki was one thing. What did you just say? It's a Japanese soup. Ian, would you give them the definition? It is. The formal definition of mise-en-scene. It's M-I-S-E-N.

- What the spell it to? - And then dash is probably gonna fill it in. - You're so happy not having none of us know what this is. - Can you calm down for a second? I don't even really know what the formal definition is. I have an idea. - It's the arrangement of scenery and stage properties in a play.

It applies to film too. It's like feng shui. Yeah, that's exactly what it sounds like. Can you just listen to what that means? It's the settings or surroundings, the scenery. I think that they did a really, really good job of representing what the... No, I'm not going to stop. The vibe. Quiet down, little one. There's a word for it now. It's the vibe. The vibe. That's the same thing as the... The mise-en-scene.

- The mise-en-scene is about that 70s sort of shag rug kind of-- - Is this true, Ian? - It's more about the stage design and the set here. - Yeah. - So do we have good mise-en-scene right now? - I think we have great mise-en-scene, but what I'm saying for Loki is that 70s sort of office building vibe of-- - What are you mise-en-saying?

3/10 Nice bro. God damn bro. That's awesome. God damn. Audio listeners. You're not even letting me explain myself here. Audio listeners, everyone is laughing. They're just all muted. Oh. Like this- this- the 70s vibe of like the, you know, Mobius when he's wearing his- his like fuckin'

orangey fucking gross looking suit and stuff. I don't know. I just thought the actual look of the TVA was done very, very well where there's a very specific sort of... It's like what they thought the future was going to be like in the 70s. Like I've gone through a few exhibits of furniture. Oh, like with their little DSs? Well, everything is like... So like the curved wooden furniture is very like what people thought was going to be futuristic. Retrofuturistic. Yeah, yeah. That's the word for it. Yeah. Now it's just whatever's cheapest. But then at the same time, it's also like...

Like a 70s office building as well. Yeah, so it's like I mean, I don't know was it a set or a real building I don't know why I'm asking you guys I could almost guarantee that the majority of Loki's blue screen you think so even the even like the hallways and stuff?

Okay, so they have that one elevator room. I think that's probably real. Yeah, I mean, like, any small space is probably going to be shot, but if you have an extended space, you're only going to really need to do some of that, and then you could sort of

What is your favorite sort of Marvel movie? Are you a movie guy? Yeah, I like it. I have bad taste in movies. So what does that mean? It's just like garbage. It means he likes Marvel. I was going to say if that's what you're saying. Or does it mean you like garbage movies? I like something that people would say is like the pop culture movies. What's your favorite movie of all time?

I think Back to the Future, probably. I mean, that's a fun movie. That's a good favorite movie. Like a childhood. That's a good nostalgia. Yeah. Rather safe, though, William. Yeah. But that's a kid me. Okay. Like 10-year-old me. Well, now that you've fully sort of... Did I ever tell you about the worst answer that was ever given, by the way, that was by me? For the favorite movie? Yeah. What did you say? When I was interviewing... I was doing... I was going to do an internship at a... They asked you what your favorite movie is? I was going to do an internship at... Oh, they did... Internship. They did... Please...

- Was it a production company? - They didn't get out. They didn't get out. - Okay, okay. - What's that production company? - Oh, shoot, I don't know. - Chris Ian. - Get Out was great though. - It's... - I just don't watch a lot of movies. - No? - I'm forgetting the name of it, but I was...

interviewing for an internship with this company and You know the interview went fine, and then the end of it They asked me what my favorite movie was wait wait so you're saying you ruined a whole interview They actually thought of the title for Get Out after having the interview with Ted because I said This is a horror movie production company Universal Pictures, Blumhouse Productions Blumhouse Blumhouse Blumhouse Blumhouse I was googling that They

I just gave them the worst answer. So this is the horror movie production company, and I gave them the worst answer that you possibly could give them because I told them elf. Why did you say that? I don't know. Why did you say elf? I don't know. Is that even true? That's not even true, is it? I mean, it's a good Christmas movie to watch seasonally. Is that what they asked you, though? No, I mean, I was just like...

I couldn't, I was nervous I guess. I actually get that. I couldn't, and I was just like, I was thinking about like a movie that like I've seen a lot. I was thinking of like, I guess my mind immediately went to like a movie that I've seen a lot and I was just like,

Elf. And then they asked me to explain it. And I was just like, I was like, oh, you know, I mean, Will Ferrell's just great. I mean, he's so good at that. Even if you had said, like, it's sort of this, like, very comforting movie, like, from my childhood. Like, even that would, you could have, like, you could have gotten out of it. I just love Christmas. I could have. I could have. But I was like, you know, I tried to sell it more than I even needed

Trying to explain why I really love the mezzan say What's your actual favorite movie time my actual favorite movie Usually usually when I say like a movie I really like I like this movie um

It's called Wild Tales. Kind of like Veggie. And it's by, I think it's by a Venezuelan director. I forget his name. Wild Tales, Ian? I prefer Wild. I think his last name is Citoron. They're like Wildcrats. Yeah. Veggie Tales. Wild Boys? Wild Boys. Wild Half Brother. Where do you find that? Is it on TV? Wild Tales movie? Yeah.

2014? Yeah, and tell them it's not real. It's basically, it's an anthology film. It's a black comedy anthology film about like human nature. Oh. And it's like, it's like made up of a bunch of short stories and it's um... Where do you find something like that? Like Shark Tale. Where do you find, do you find it like on Netflix? Do you find it on... Did you, were you in a film school? Yeah, that's where I would have been. So that stuff gets thrown around. I just really, I really like that movie and I... Is that where you learned about Alf?

I wouldn't say it's my favorite movie, but it is a movie that I really like and I'll go back to and watch and I wrote like a paper about it. You wrote a paper about Elf? No, not about Elf. I may actually have. No, I actually have. No, that's a lie.

Huh? Elf's a good movie. I mean, yeah, it's a good movie, but it's also not the movie that you say that you like the most to Blumhouse. In a film interview, yeah. Maybe you say some sort of horror movie from fucking 1945 and something and be like, oh, I really like the mise-en-scene in that and the Dutch angles and the tilting that happens with the camera work is absolutely out of this world. I have sort of a trash taste favorite movie that's also a horror movie. I really like Zombieland.

Yeah. Zombieland was good. It's like fun. It is. It's not a lot of people's favorite movie. But you know why it was good? Okay. Because it was a pastiche.

- Ian. - Fucking God. - This is why we have you, it's just for this guy. - You're not allowed to say words that are over like six letters. - I'm just trying to get Ian to do more miserable podcasts. - No, Ted has to explain this one. - I mean, I forget what pastiche means. - I just like fun movies. - Oh, so you just said it. - Yeah. - You just said it. - I'm saying it just to say it. - Oh, it's a pastiche. - I'm trying to smell it sound smart. - It sounds like a nice mini-price. - What is pastiche? - I think it was a-- - I've never even heard this one. - I may not be correct. - Yell it for me.

P-A-S-T-I-C-H-E? That doesn't even sound real. Pasta Che. Yeah. That's what I say. I'm going to flat on this one. We got some pasta. We got some pasta. It's similar to like parody or satire in certain ways. Why not just use parody and satire? It's artistic work in a style that imitates...

He doesn't even understand it. Ian is... He doesn't even understand. It's like a style that's from the 18th century.

Okay, that's not what it is. So Ted elaborate. There's there's a better way to say so my favorite movie I would say Terminator 2 well Nobody cares about me - is judgment day Terminator is a great movie his ass is in full display. Oh really that yeah his ass comes out I see why it comes out when he walks into the bar now I'm on your boots and your motorcycle. I thought that was Terminator 1 no give him to give him it

Boots are made it to the one with the liquid guy. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that is I remember cuz I was a kid and I was the first our movie I ever got like a glimpse of and I walked good. Yeah, I walked into my my like I was in my grandparents house I think I watched the the corridor thing on the Yeah, the like past of the bar. Yeah Yeah, I walked into the room right as the woman was like getting the cereal and put a spike thrower and it just like completely traumatized me as good and

So I was like, I was like grandma or grandpa. Are you like are you liquid? Are you liquid? But I like hold his hand steer him away from gutters where he's gonna melt real quick though going off of your thing of zombie man the idea behind the past decent satire on like a zombie movie is why and why it's it's actually a style of art that imitates the style of more than one artist in is talking too much so it's like satire and plagiarism yeah,

Cool. I don't know if it checks those boxes, but it is a parody in a way. It's just fun. I think it's more of just a funny self-aware. It feels like it's aware that it's doing the dumb zombie trope. It's self-aware. Bo Burnham doesn't like that. Why not?

We should talk about that doesn't like self-aware we should talk about and that was this whole thing this whole thing is it is it self-awareness is not helpful or Productive it is if it is just self-contained like doesn't like you like quirkily self-aware as opposed to take is it making it actually didn't I guess I I'd seen actually a clip of this when he talked about this on the h3 podcast, but then he also talked about

about it in his the movie inside where he doesn't really like the dead pool self-awareness where he's like like that sort of because it's made by it's a multi it's like a billion dollar movie and then it's like you've got this guy being like it's also so how really self-aware is it right it's sort of the question there yeah you can be so like it's safe self-aware it's the self-awareness but that is also a lie because it's not really self-aware because you're still doing the thing that

You know? Yeah. I think you can look at the type of audience that it brings out. And the Deadpool audience that it brings out is like... Same thing as the Rick and Morty audience? It's horrific. Yeah. I love the Rick and Morty audience. I enjoy both, though. I watch both. But you see what comes out of Rick and Morty and what came out of... Dude, the sauce. Remember the Szechuan sauce? Oh, yeah. We actually have some back here, yeah. I got some fucking yum yum sauce right here. This is...

- That right here. - Go ahead. - You've got the Yum Yum sauce. - This is the light colored sauce served at the Japanese hibachi restaurants. - Well and if you could just stand up and sort of expose your pants. - Terry Ho's Yum Yum sauce, the original. - You need someone to put that on, I can cover my pants with it. - Yeah, this is gluten free. I'm just gonna open it real quick. - Oh, this is actually really worrying 'cause I'm next to him. - Wow, this is incredible. - If you don't mind, I'm gonna open the package of the Yum Yum sauce. - Think I'm about to get Yum Yum'd. - Real quick, I'm gonna Yum Yum someone. - Don't you pour that on Charlie, I will hit you. - I'll give it a shot.

I actually want to try this. No, I'll do it. You're going to do it? I like yum yum sauce. William Osmond is here. Oh, you're so right. William Osmond, give it up. It's yummy. It's yummy. It's like a original. It smells like Thousand Island. Yum yum sauce. It's like... What are you doing? Oh, okay. Oh! That's so much. That was so much. Is it good? Thousand Island. Yum yum? Cool. That was good. Schlatt, what is going on? Why are we doing this? That was honestly the most sensual thing I've ever seen, and it really was not. I didn't like the way it sort of...

Slopped I think the taste is good the quantity you give anything viscous to slide at a certain quantity He's gonna start gagging wash it down wash it down It's just thousand island. That's what happened with the with the thick water about that is you just like tried to chug the thick water well We're gonna we're gonna have to get another one of those for tomorrow. Just trust me. We're gonna need it for tomorrow. Oh

No brand name. No free advertising. Okay, so. We have everything labeled out in the same entire thing. Have we determined what Wade's favorite movie is? Wait. My childhood one, Back to the Future. Okay, right. Yeah, but you didn't say now. I don't know. How do we even? Yeah, I guess my childhood one then is Elf. I mean, yeah. Okay, if you had to pick. Oh, wait, but ooh, I like the Land of Four Time movies. Those are pretty good. Add? Dinosaurs.

Land Before Time fucking sucks. What? No, I watched it again like a year ago. You watched it again? Well, don't watch it again. Don't remind yourself. You can't say that it's a good movie and then not. It's really boring. Honestly. You know what movie aged really badly too? Bambi? Three Ninjas.

Does anybody remember Three Ninjas? I watched Three Ninjas in my elementary school Taekwondo class. It's a movie about three kids. Basically, it was moving off of the craze of what happened with Karate Kid. And it was basically these three kids and they had their grandpa. And they were fighting off people that were attacking them. It was like...

some sort of drug ring and like these three kids that are like in karate class infiltrate the drug ring yeah and they like beat up these guys and it's like stop them from selling and I remember when I was a kid I would go over to William Haverstock's house and I would watch that movie with him and then after the movie was over we're like jumping around like

Kicking each other and shit. Jumping around. Oh yeah, we're jumping around. We're like, we're like just doing kick flips and shit. Yeah, they showed that to us. Without a skateboard. In karate class that I did. They'd take us to like Chuck E. Cheese and show us movies and sometimes the actual. And they'd show you three ninjas. And they showed us three ninjas. And then they put us against each other like we aren't going to try some stupid shit, right? Yeah. That was awesome. That was fun though. It was fun. Yeah, we watched it on like a big like projector on top. Where you fight the crap out of each other. Yeah, and then we just beat the hell out of each other. You know, it was great. That's awesome.

Yeah. That yum yum sauce. You're still on that, huh? I can't even taste it anymore. I just, I really don't like it. I mean, what do you think it was, maybe bad? Yeah, you got it. It, it, I, listen, all I'm saying is when that went down my throat, I wasn't saying anything. Maybe wash it, maybe wash it down with some ketchup.

Huh? No, I don't think I can do that. No, that's okay. Okay, so I just, we need to answer the question. We've been on too many tangents. We're in a big sort of tumbleweed of conversation right now. We still never finished the Grubhub. Your favorite, your favorite, your favorite movie right now. What's your favorite genre at least? We'll narrow it down. We'll narrow it down. Bring it in.

I like sci-fi. You like sci-fi? Yeah. Oh, okay. Like anything... Chris approved. Interstellar is good. Not my favorite movie, but it's good. It's a little bit too serious. I sort of like more fun, campy... What's a fun, campy sci-fi movie you really like? I think actually recently it was the original Guardians of the Galaxy. That one was good. It was really fun. Mise en scene on point. The mise en scene was really good. The...

My chakras were thriving in theaters. No, that doesn't apply in every situation. Pastiche. The pastiche was there. Pastiche is a descriptor word of a certain genre. Yeah, I think pastiche, it was a bunch of styles. Mise en scene is a descriptor for an aspect of a

piece of wood. The Dutch angles were really good. Yeah. Yeah. Little Ken Burns. He was in there. He showed up. He did the... He showed up in the movie. All the characters do the Kubrick stare, you know. You think the Kubrick stare happens in every movie? Are you insane? They do.

I'll tell you one thing. I'll tell you one thing. I may have gone to film school, but I can't sit through 2001 A Space Odyssey without fucking falling asleep. I tried watching that on an airplane, and I tried watching, what's the other one, Citizen Kane? Yeah. People always get mad at me. Citizen Kane actually used to have 100% on Rotten Tomatoes, and it lost that because of like a old review from like 1971 that got submitted, and now like I think like

Paddington 2 is higher than Citizen Kane. That's fucking awesome. That is so awesome that Paddington 2 gets to be the objectively best movie on Rotten Tomatoes. Is it good? He's such a funny bear, William. He's such a funny bear. He's a funny bear. Yeah.

He's a pastiche. He's a little pastiche guy. And a mesothelioma or whatever. This is like a bunch of kids. You guys sound like kids that just learned the word fucking and are just throwing it around in any context whatsoever. We can do that as well. One, two, three. Crap. Damn.

What kind of commitment that was. Yeah, no, Paddington 2. Number one movie on Rotten Tomatoes. That feels like a joke, like a meme. It does feel like a joke, and I feel like a lot of things that turn out to be true should be jokes, such as... What? I'm sorry, what? No, no, I'm offering... He just called you a joke. You called me a joke that shouldn't be real? No, no, no, I was giving you the floor to give me an example. Show him you're real, right now. Because I didn't think of anything. Things that should be fake, birds.

Birds that's not have you ever seen a baby pigeon? No, everyone's talked about this boy. I've never seen a baby pigeon. Here's my theory I think that there is why would you just see a baby pigeon a mothership? All right, I think that all of the pigeons that you've ever seen are just male pigeons and that there is

At least in New York, maybe a central giant pigeon, big, fat, huge pigeon. It's just shitting out the males. And there's maybe some closer to the hive. I think they sort of operate in a hive format. Oh, that's cool. There's maybe some warrior pigeons, something like that. Those other ones out there, they're just the fucking drones. You think there's warrior pigeons? Are the warrior pigeons the ones that walk in front of your car? I mean, I hope that there's... Is that what makes them a warrior pigeon?

Well, yeah, those are the drones. Those are going to war. They're doing airstrikes. When I was studying abroad in Ireland, we went to this, like, castle museum thing, and they had a, like, they had a pigeon. And when I say that, it wasn't like a pet pigeon. It chose to stay there, and it was in the corner of the castle. Inside the castle. They called it dragon because it couldn't fly anymore. It was so big.

So it was like this... What? It was like fat? Yeah, it was fat. It was this love of a pigeon and it would like, it has a pile of seeds in like the corner that it would sit on and like it would like defend basically against people. Literally a dragon. Yeah, they would like offer up seeds to it and it would just get larger but they couldn't stop it. Jesus Christ. So they just like, I guess they were just waiting for it to die.

It was huge it was massive wake in can you look up dragon the pigeon there's no way This Irish pigeon named dragon that is so fat that it I'll actually be so happy if you're able to yeah and pull that photo up in three seconds - well one I found

Something horrifying, but I don't know can you show us the horrifying thing sure definitely? It's just a photo of Arnold's Chris is making a really? Dragon as well. I call it one dragon. That's okay. Oh Don't put that up what about obese pigeon hey or really yeah potentially dragon his obese Arnold a third arm That's what they call it. That's what they call it really call it the terminator They call it he calls it judgment day

When he said... He calls it... He calls it... He calls it Rise of the Machines. Fucking... That's funny. This is a video for Biggest Pigeon. Biggest Pigeon? Well, we'll see about that. Save that link right there. Why is it zooming in so much that we can't see if it's big? Yeah, show...

What? Who made this video? Now it's too close. Oh, that's a big one. That looks like a chicken. That does look like a chicken. That's a fucking huge pigeon. That's a big boy. I think pigeons get a bad rap. I'm seeing this pigeon right now, Charlie, but I'm wondering, dragon, was it like

Bat like was it like so here's the thing about that pigeon is that pigeon looks like a hen or a chicken dragon did not dragon looked like They have actually like a lot of sort of like if you took like something like the yum-yum sauce and like let it run onto the table and then stopped it where it was like sort of like a puddle ah It was like a puddle you look like well like I couldn't see his legs right now is sort of the difference is he was just kind of what what if he was sitting no like he was moving around so he's like oh

Yeah, well I don't know he could walk he walked but like not not far from the hoard like it's like his fat was like Dragging on the ground as he walked like a skirt. Yeah, oh kind of I mean It's like I didn't see his feet, but he looked like sort of like a chocolate chip. Oh, you kind of like you Yeah, it was a little scooter. Yeah, I know I think I think I actually kind of like pigeons. I don't know I know No, don't say that

I was out this morning on the balcony of our hive/BNB and I was watching birds. Don't say you like pigeons, please. Pigeons don't deserve love. What about a pigeon makes you go "aww"? It's just doing its best. I mean, it's better than a seagull.

I don't even think that's true. I think it absolutely- Do you ever think about seagulls? Seagulls will go out of their way to fuck up your day. Pigeons are like squirrels. If you are okay with squirrels, you will tolerate squirrels. What's wrong with pigeons? I mean, seagulls are almost entirely focused on just getting food from you. That's what every- that's all animals know how to do, mostly. I know, but like, seagulls are like, especially focused on- Seagulls are just bastards about it. Yes. Yeah, they'll- I mean, they don't give a shit. I mean, they'll come up and they know they can get away from you fast enough. I mean-

I don't think I've seen many videos where, you know, someone can just, like, go and grab a seagull by the neck and just slam it in the ground. How many pigeons can you grab?

I'm gonna invent something that lets you do that. Like an extendoarm? Yeah, it's an extendoarm with a french fry and like the- Let's make a video, man. A machine that grabs pigeons by the neck. A machine that grabs pigeons. I don't wanna do that. I don't wanna do that. Is that an- okay, well, here- here- is there- Yes. Yes. Yes. It's not a question. But no one will be like, oh no, stop attacking pigeons. Guys, hold on. I will. The comments will be like- There's no need to be so mean about it.

Pigeons are modern puppy and I'm asking William our guest here. So please calm down. Please calm down Well, yeah, is there any sort of engineers code that would prevent you by moral code or law to create a Why are you doing that both in this studio, what are you doing stop don't don't oh

You're gonna lose some serious points with me if you do that, sir. You gotta stop! You have to- This is why I'm- I'm not- I'm not fucking around. I'm not fucking around, dude. You're gonna lose some points? You're gonna lose some serious points with me, Schlatt. It's everywhere, man. St- Oh my god, you wouldn't. Dude. Do it. You're being like a baby right now. Like, you're literally- Like, you're like slamming on the table. If you do it, do it into like- You're slamming on the table, you're squeezing sauce balls. You're squeezing sauce balls. Of the- of the ketchup bottle.

Talk talk more about mezzan say for a second Ted. Okay. All right. I know what happens So you gotta like shoot it in your mouth I'm asking I'm asking sure I'm asking William about something right now and flat decided it was a little bit too much time had gone out without him and he had to start squeezing bottles and stuff and slamming on the table like a baby unbelievable

You got it bro, I got you know I got- Oh, Charlie, oh, it's probably just oil. What? No, it's mustard. Like, you know how mustard separates? But it was just poured in. No, it was mustard he mixed. I guess that's true. Either way, William, is there some sort of limit by an engineer's moral code to making a, uh, a pigeon catcher? I don't know. There's a- the whole government organization-

Like who does animals well who's talking about criminals The only time I ever saw people standing animals was the animal planet show animal cops So yeah sufficient game would be patient game. Yeah, that's like the government organization that would come Like not even like organization or administration just fish and game game. Yeah, I

I think. Pigeons are not game. F and G. Pigeons are not game. I mean, maybe. They're playing a game with us and we're losing. I don't know if you're allowed to just go and like,

Kill pigeon? If it doesn't feel right though, this is probably- You could- It is the Department of Fish and Wildlife. Fish and Wildlife. Yeah, fish and game, what are you talking about? Well, here's the- Fish have games, man. It's fucked up that the Wildlife Department would call it game, so maybe- No one- no one cares though, like you're not gonna get the government after- I do, I don't know. You could take a bird. They're bored. The pigeons are awesome. No, no, no, no, no, no. You can- This is government property, dude, the robots. No, it's not. You can-

No, it's not. You can take- when you think about it, I'm crying. He's thinking about onions. When you think about it, you could really just go and take a bird. Yes. People keep pigeons as pets. It's considered more- Is there any- You can go and take a squirrel. Why are you crying? I don't know. But you could take one. You might need- No, you actually are crying. You might need a license. Why? Why are you crying? We're talking about- We're talking about pigeons. Do you have something you want to share with us? Is there something going on? No, talk about it. Talk about it.

I just can't. Get him a napkin. Can't grab a napkin. We're like out. It's like coming in here, I guess. You want a wet wipe? You can use my shorts. This will get you going. They're out of reach. Don't. It's.

Jesus How long we've been doing this for how long we've been going for we are at 54 minutes Oh, geez great six more minutes William six more minutes and we're okay, so I think you're making him cry Let me spit out what I think we barely asked him anything. I know that's how it should be If you try to catch a pigeon you probably can do it, but you might piss off commenters and if you're really unlucky then you'll get fish and wildlife and

I don't care about commenters. You think I care about what the reaction of the video is gonna be? I'll upload a goddamn video of me strangling one to death. I'll fucking grab it so hard it's head pops. That's the one time that you're gonna start getting news coverage, okay? It's gonna be like...

ABC 7 Eyewitness News is gonna be like, put me on PIX11. Put me on PIX11 right after the Mets game. Fuck you. Deranged YouTuber strangles pigeons to death. Who starts strangling pigeons? Oh, what elf would think if he saw you?

I'm gonna rename my channel. I'm gonna rename my channel The Pigeon Strangler. How about that? Didn't you read a book in high school? They make you read a book in high school about strangling birds. What? The Winger. The Winger. It's like a book about kids who like...

I don't know. I said I'm a bird feeder and I watch them. Oh, God. It's like all sorts of different types of people. Some people watch birds. The mocking bird. Most people don't strangle birds. No, but it's like a hunting thing or something. I don't know. Strangling birds. That's a strangling bird thing. Is that a book? No. Jesus Christ. What? Monster?

Mockingjay? Hunger Games? I swear I read a book in high school that had something to do with strangling birds. District 8 was strangling birds. The whole thing was run by a pigeon. What was District 7? District 7 was just...

Big way, they're big enough everyone lives in wheels They just want to build the biggest wheel love The whole story in the district 7 movie is that he gets infected by a Turn it into a wheel and he starts rolling around

They put them on the- The Maison Se is just- It's Mise en Se. That's different than the- You guys keep saying Mise en Se. Mise en Se what? Mise hello? If we say it enough times, maybe it'll just become the new way of- The Mesosphere. No. The Mesosphere. The Mesothelioma. There's gonna be a bunch of fucking cinephiles in the comments that are gonna come after you guys. I guarantee there's not cinephiles that watch this podcast. I bet there's a couple. What's your favorite layer of the atmosphere?

Um I like the one that I can breathe in can you tell us from here to like 10,000 feet? That's good. Okay. Can you tell us what the hell we're gonna do with nitrogen?

What do you mean? Like, what the fuck are we doing? The atmosphere is made up so much of nitrogen. You could cool it down and then you could freeze stuff in it. I don't know what the fuck they do with nitrogen. If you liquefy it. Do I breathe nitrogen? Yeah, yeah. It just exists. I mean, you can breathe anything once. I'm pretty sure. No, but nitrogen makes up like 80% of the atmosphere, doesn't it? Yeah. It just does nothing. It does nothing? So they can fill your tires up with nitrogen and it lasts longer because apparently it leaks out slower through the rubber because it's like bigger molecules. Like if you see, I think green caps on tires mean.

I could be totally wrong. I got pretty big molecules. You could be totally wrong? And you're just telling us this? I got big molecules. What if I go ask someone to fill up my tires with nitrogen and they blow up? Whose fault is it then? Ideally they would. Yeah, I know. Okay. I mean, what are you looking for when you fill your tires up? Maybe hydrogen? Yeah, that'd be cool. What, you fill your shit with hydrogen? Your car would be a little bit lighter. That'd be cool. Or helium. What's your favorite? Okay, what would happen if I filled up my tires with helium? Would my car float a little bit? It'd be really funny.

No. Like, like even marginally, even marginally. Someone has to have done this. Even marginally, like would the weight of my car be reduced? Like if you feel something with helium and then you weigh something with that helium being involved, does the weight of that thing reduce? Yes.

Because that's only in regards to how much you feel the grab down the air. Yeah, I was gonna say, hypothetically it would be. If you looked at your car on a scale, you'd be like a couple thousand pounds, it probably wouldn't even register a tenth of a pound difference. Why haven't we been asking them fun, stupid science questions this whole time? William, what's your favorite gas? Uh, farts. That's awesome, dude. I'm so glad we finally have a scientist here. Is that just methane? I don't know, I think it is some methane, and then it's just some weird stuff that smells bad.

What's your favorite noble guess? And how many are there?

There's seven. What's your favorite peasant gas? How did you not know that there was seven noble gases? That's actually kind of curious. I said seven or eight. I'm not a chemist. No, he said eight. He said eight, and then we said seven. You literally take one semester of chemistry. Okay, but you're the guy who goes on YouTube, and you say, hi, guys, I'm smart, and that is my brand. Have you watched any of my videos? No, no, and for everyone out there, this is William's brand. He says, I am smarter, and I'm smarter than you, and that's why you watch me. My brand is I'm dumber every day. Hmm.

I don't know. I think you kind of come in with a bit of an egotistical attitude. I think if you engineer, you're an engineer. And I think if you fart, you're a chemical scientist. Exactly. He nailed it. Like, if you had now Red on here, he could actually tell you what, like, makes sense. Tell us about the BattleBot. Oh, you want to know about the BattleBot? It pissed a lot of people off. It pissed a lot of people off, and I don't think that these guys necessarily know about the BattleBot. He bought a BattleBot. You know the robots that fight each other? Oh, I know the robots that fight each other. You bought, like, a pre-existing one? Yeah, yeah. Which one? Red Devil.

And he actually brought it here today. What does Red Devil do? Oh, actually, yeah. Bring in the battle bot. Bring in the battle bot. I feel something against my leg. What is that? That would be such a pain in the ass to bring that thing in there. It's like 400 pounds. So what does it do? It's massive. It's the size of this table.

Yeah, it's like, yeah. I want to know, like, how... It has two tank treads. Yeah. It has, like, a saw blade. Saw blade's kind of, like, whatever. Saw blade's pretty cool. It is cool. What's the highlight? Like, so it has, like, claws. So it has, like, two grippers on the front, like, big claws that it can grab on something. It can, like, lift him up.

No, you don't understand the point is to battle. Yeah, so it has battling battle. It has battle grippers Yeah, so like so they were done competing with it the guy who built it right and he wanted it out of his house And so he sold he had two of them actually oh and two of the same no one one was a different one I competed on a different show and he was selling them and I was just like how could I not like you can't wait I

You especially. You gotta buy one. You gotta buy one. I like- I like- you can't not buy it. So I bought it. I mean, you can. It's called self-control. I didn't have that. I didn't have it. Which you do not have. No. So what have you done with it so far? How have you put it to use? So we made the internet mad just buying it. Okay. I mean, I was able to drag my car down the street with it.

We took it to my friend. Didn't you I think maybe both it was easier to drag But that thing's got a lot it goes fast and it's really fast and we like the scariest part isn't the weapon or the claws It's the fact that you can just like drive it through a wall. Yeah, and so we're just a big hunk of explain though. How are you pissed off the internet? Yeah, well, I'm upset. I'm mad because they say it's like oh he's being like unsafe with it Oh a battle, but

Right you're not using that battle bot properly if you've seen clips of battle bus to like those things are getting sent like a hundred feet in the air Shit like I should be like incinerated on camera afterwards Red devil is not coming there is literally a battle bot that is like a fucking like spatula thing that was like Taser ones as well Taser ones you're not

Which ones? Taser? And they, like, make a little... And then, like, parts fly off. There's some that shoot... One year, a team had, like, paintball guns that shot, like, sparking, like, special effects paintballs. That doesn't seem like it would actually... It doesn't do anything. It looks cool. It'd be cool, though. It would definitely be against the rules to have some sort of electrical thing that would mess up the circuits, right? If you think it's probably against the rules, it's against the rules.

Are there a lot of rules in BattleBots? Well, 'cause then, dude, imagine like, the smartest thing to do would be like put a gun on a robot. Put a machine gun. Like, put up like a MG40. Yeah. You just put the intern in with the gun and it just comes to BattleBot.

Just put a water gun on your robot and like right when the match starts it starts spraying the other person Just wrap myself in tin foil run in there and throw theirs into the crowd. Damn. That would be bad Well, isn't it the fault of the other person to not waterproof their robot? They should have prepared for it. That's the thing. Shouldn't you prepare for all situations? Does the red devil have an umbrella slot? It doesn't, no. It's just the only hole that would let the water right in See that's the thing we always we always impose these

stupid little silly regulations for competition when in reality we should just be considering everything. Yeah, no rules. No rules. Imagine like boxing but no rules. I want to see- Everything below the belt. I want to see- All blood down there. Only dick shots. So sports wouldn't exist. No, no, no, no, no. They would. Someone dies every- No, it would be just a blood dome in a different shape arena.

Sports would be competing at a higher level because you can say, oh, what, you want to take steroids? Fine. Be my guest. If there's no rules, then what is the competition? Be the best you can be. So at the end of the day, right, you can only win if you survive. So therefore, I think that every sport would just turn into a bloodbath. Like synchronized swimming would just be like synchronized strangling and stuff. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Yeah, so in that case, I mean... You just have to be the last one to view it. Exactly, exactly. I kind of agree with that set of mindset, though, because in that case, that's the way we're going to get the fastest towards, like, cyberpunk shit, where it's like people are walking around with their fancy...

I will legs how far away are we from cyberpunk level? Amputee shit people people can't even wash their hands after going poop what like there's no society is a how was that what you said after what I General advancement, I think yeah like yeah general advancement, but like you people can't even do like basic stuff to take care of themselves and

So it's like how can you expect them to- Yeah, no one's gonna maintain their robot cock. I'm asking for a timeline William, I'm not asking for your problems. I mean, I don't know, probably like less than 100 years you're gonna see something- Like Cyberpunk? It depends on what, because everything starts off like much lower, right?

It's easy to see something be like oh, that's like stupid technology like people said about computers at first right like what what the hell my computer Oh, so we're gonna so it's we're not gonna see that shit until we're like fucking like because it's gonna start small And then it's gonna like maybe dead by then I'm gonna share with you. I'm gonna shake your hand. We'll be able to jerk each other off our robot arms Would you put your mind in the cloud and live forever or would you die I think I would just

You think you'd just want to die? I think living forever would be awful. I don't know. I'd probably die. I would only do it if I had the ability. I would want it like the...

Spoilers for anyone who hasn't seen the good place I would want an ending like an option to like do it as long as I want and then dying and then I know but like but like in the end of the the show the good place it was like they were yeah they were trying to they were trying to figure out like a solution to the afterlife because everyone who was in heaven was just so happy that they were just so fucking bored after a while they had nothing else to do these souls were just fucking like

Alright, nothing was good anymore. - Brevity gives you value, right? And meaning in a way. 'Cause you know you have all the time in the world. It's like, imagine if you had, having an appointment versus knowing you have to do something. But you never have to do it 'cause it just goes on forever. So it's like, why? - People think it's like, I gotta get to this thing. And then they get to the thing and they look back and they're like, oh my God, like getting to the thing was actually like the most exciting part of everything. - Yeah, so the solution at the end of it was that they just kinda had a portal and that like when you had all the time that you wanted,

And in heaven, you can just like go. Massive spoiler for Good Place. Well, I don't fucking care. The show's been over. It's been over, but it's really good. And it's a lot of sort of stuff to get there. But, you know.

Fine it's cool. Whatever the show is over. It's like it's all about the destination Why don't we okay has anyone seen Game of Thrones somebody spoil the end of that - oh it's I Not even nearly equivocal in weight Would you put your face in the cloud or whatever if I have under the that's no I think I think the question would be generally just dire cloud forever. I die I

I think that anyone who picks the other option would be horribly invisible. They really think of themselves highly probably. Yeah. I think. Yeah. You put way too much value in your own life if you think that. If you want to live for it, it's like, well, you must think that you really have something to add to the world, I think. Well, like, it's not you're living for, you're more, it's more so this extra world where all the dead people go after you.

Oh, like that one Black Mirror episode. Yeah. Well, shit, that kind of changes things. SOMA. The video game SOMA also did something like that, too. Yeah, it's interesting. I don't think the camera can see right now. There you go.

Would you so taking it down a couple notches from putting your mind in the cloud forever? I mean you had mentioned the cyberpunk stuff Would you just like get a robot arm or is it something that's like I think I think if you had a problem With something you'd get it so a replacement, but not a yeah a mixture. Okay. Here's an idea a mixture Cyberpunk and a book I read but actually became a movie I think called repo man

Yes, or that series movie or book no Chris has pretty old It's basically a story about a world in which and it seemed pretty realistic in my mind where you get to a certain point where you can create artificial lungs heart Kidneys stuff like that, but I mean these things are like 150 thousand dollars So people have to take out loans Then they need to be repossessed

So that would happen. Yeah, and I think you've missed the payment on your 13-inch biocock I don't think it would happen necessarily by action of a repo man coming in and ripping out your heart, but I think maybe by court order or something like that.

I also just don't think it would ever get I think it would mostly be like an insurance based thing so it would probably end up getting paid off before it ever gets in your chest because there's no way that a fucking court can reasonably but it is a fun reality to think of where it's like holy shit that would suck if that's how they fucking did shit like I mean it's kind of how insurance works now though where it's like you're afraid to go

I remember in college my friend got a mission of something though. Oh

Rather than like... It's kind of the same idea, though. It's just like... Getting it and having it removed forcibly. The deductible is actually the biocock. They just take... They just... They rip it off. They take segments out. What would a biocock be, Slat? Like, what is that? Living... Yeah. Terminator 2 living flesh over metal endoskeleton. Yeah. Like a robot snake. Yeah. Oh, my God. Living cock over metal endoskeleton. Living cock over metal endoskeleton. Yeah.

Um you were like so confident like it's just like that flowed so well as you said it like you've said it a hundred times I am like you're like a bio cock sales. Listen. That's what he says in the movie. He's living flesh over a metal endoskeleton That's what the t1 no one ever asked about his penis. No one ever explained it. No Do you think Arnold Schwarzenegger can get hard? Turn it Terminator 100 get get away. Yeah, well turn around versus the person Arnold and

Yes, well you terminate I'm we're talking about the term a governor of California Well, he fucked his maid he can get hard of like like segments that are connected via some like like pneumatics or cabling That's something like tentacles like animatronic tentacles is like something it's like like hockey pucks. She's one of these are full like pseudopod Yeah, I mean you could you could also like what the way they the way they do it when you're When you have ed

Sometimes I like put actual like balloons in and then you have what the others like a little tiny pump inside of you that you have Like squeeze that feels comical that doesn't feel real. It's 100% No, that's not true. No, that's not real. You know, there's literally pump you like squeeze. Why is our producer nodding? Why is the producer of the podcast? You get what?

I don't know how you drain it though. I don't know how that works. Like if there's like a little valve. You squeeze it really hard. I have no idea. I have no idea. It could be like one of those, like, you know when you see a planted tree, like a little baby tree, they tie like a stick to it. Yeah.

And they zip tie it to the stick. They give you two popsicle sticks. Yeah. And you do a dick splint. And they charge you $300. A dick splint, yeah. Oh my goodness. Yeah, and then they repossess it when you can't get it off. Give us your sticks back. And the zip tie too. Give me your bio-cock. And it over. If you could make anything, what would it be?

Oh, God. I really want to take my 98 Ford Taurus station wagon and jack it up and do four-wheel drive. Like make a monster truck? Yeah, like make a monster truck. So you just want to make a monster truck. I've got good news. Monster trucks exist. Out of a sedan, though. That is wild. A wagon, yeah. That sounds like it would be pretty expensive. I know. That's why. It's going to be like...

and grand i would have no idea how to do it either i'd have to like well yeah you're gonna have to go to like uh you're gonna have to go find somebody to help you're gonna have to go find trevor from gta5 yeah yeah have them hack it to pieces and also once you know you got to make sure the mezzan say is there oh my god right right not even saying it right right and the dutch angle so he just doesn't understand and the film grain put potato yeah

Vignette! It's ridiculous. Name one movie that doesn't have a potato somewhere in it. I'll take the pesto vignette. A movie that doesn't have a potato somewhere in it? Hello, Paddington 2. There's not a single potato in Paddington 2? I could almost guarantee you that in the best movie of all time, Paddington 2, there's not a single potato. No way. I had a follow-up question. Is that like a thing? Is this something that you've observed? No, I just thought it'd be interesting to ask you when we get back.

What movie? I have another fun question I can ask you unless you want to ask a question. Oh, you want to ask us a question? Oh, go ahead and ask us. I ask this a lot. How many people have seen your penis? That's like a deeply... It could be doctors. Oh. It could be... I don't really keep...

I was gonna say I don't really keep track but I stopped the sentence because it didn't sound as good. No, but you have to think because it's like, you know, if you pee somewhere and your friend actually, like, you know, I feel like you can learn a lot about a person. More than I know? Probably more than you know. You think it's 10? Well, Shalai got an extra one here today when you did that flip earlier. Yeah, I could probably count them on two hands. You think so? Yeah. Like going to the doctor or, you know, whatever.

- I mean, you have different doctors. - I mean, pretty much until I was out of college, I had the same, I had a pediatrician all the way through college. - There's only one doctor? - Yeah, no, I had the same doctor when I was a kid. - Really, like a pediatrician? - All the way through college, 'cause it was just easier. You don't even, 'cause I moved out here, so it's like-- - So you think less than 10 people? - I'm just killing it today.

I don't know. I mean, I'll give you a tally later. How's that? Why? Is it like 100? It's up in the thousands. It's up there. It's huge. It's a very large number. I mean, if we count the billboard incident of 2005. Yeah.

Accident number. Hypothetically, how you would accidentally... He just sent a picture to the wrong email address. Yeah, when I was seven. Oh, God.

Christ Okay, all right Well, I chose it. I chose a date. I happen to choose when I was seven. So well, okay I had one more question like a big question. No, no, no cock involved. Okay, cocks fully out, right? What are you most excited to sort of see in terms of engineering in terms of development in the next few years or even past your life? I really want to see the most self-driving

My Tesla drove here. Yeah, I rented Tesla every time I'm in LA. Did you say auto drive? Yeah, like the full version of it. So just being able to get in the pod and scoot? Yeah, they just released the first wave, or I think the first wave of the current beta right now. So there's people who, like a handful of people who can literally just get in their car, park on the street, and tell it where to go, and it'll do everything. Because right now it'll only do the freeways. I feel like it's sort of an asshole, though. What do you mean? The driveways.

The driving? But if they're all, if everything is auto-driving. I follow this guy on TikTok that kind of shows. But this is the thing where, like, it gets better and better and better. So it's like if you, like, someone who saw, like, someone like my dad who was like, oh, I saw my friend's Tesla, like, in 2016 and it did a bad job. It's like, they don't understand how much it's improved. Right, because it's an evolving sort of thing. Right. There's, like, a whole team of people. Like, I mean, it's a ton of people that work on it every single day. I'm sure it's taking all the data from everything everyone's doing. Everything. Yeah. Well, Google's doing that, too, whenever you fill out a capture. Yeah. Yeah. And Google Maps. Have you seen that shot?

No, that's whenever whenever you whenever you find the traffic cone find the traffic light show the storefront. That's just Google gathering I had this idea The Tesla has a lot of cameras on it. Yeah, it it can tell when you break the law I thought we were in gonna. Yeah steal it earlier. Well. Yeah, it goes over the speed limit, too Yeah, the Tesla can go over you're driving it though. You're driving it. What if it sees you do something really heinous?

Well, if it was self-driving cars, I guess it wouldn't be a problem. Right, but right now you drive the thing. Say you blow a red light, because I know the Tesla beeps. I'm crying again. When the Tesla beeps, you're ready to go. What if the Tesla saw you blow a red light and then it just stopped and locked all the doors and closed the car? Turns out, the drive just goes to the station. Ha ha ha!

What would stop it? It just drives you right to jail. My guess right now. The window rolls down and just ejects you out into a cell. It should have multiple modes. It should be like goody two shoes, I'm feeling a little risky, and break all the laws. That's the thing about, I feel like part of buying a car, that we're having a car, is having the control and stuff. And I think for a lot of people, especially older people, are not

about the self-driving car. They're the ones who probably should use it, though. Well, the thing is, too, I mean, every car you buy... You can still drive it, though. Every car you buy, it goes up to like 120 plus miles per hour, I mean, depending on how...

Some governors, but even the governor will let you go like 115 I guess in a perfect world Like if there's a cat like an electronic governor that like this software that says you can't go faster than this No, like some production cars I mean

This was a long time ago, but my friend in high school, his car, it was his mom's car, wouldn't go above 110 or 115 or something like that. But it had a speedometer to go higher? It was scared? Yeah. The car would get up to that, and then it would just like, it literally wouldn't go past that, and you could hear it like...

Oh, I've never seen that. I've never heard of that before. What? It was like one of those weird like Honda trucks. What if it needs to arrest you really fast and take you to jail? Yeah, you can just do that or just drive into the ocean and like execute you right then and there. Yeah, exactly. My buddy struck that he drove in high school. If he ever went, if it was like a big GMC truck like for his dad's landscaping company and if he ever went past, if he ever got up to like 100 miles per hour or like 110 or something like that, apparently like the engine shuts off.

What? Which is very safe. The engine? Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah. So that doesn't sound like a feature. Is that a feature or a bug? That sounds like it could have... Maybe a little bit of both. It is a bug. There's actually a little cockroach inside the engine. Because you would lose power steering and everything. There's a little bug in there that says, you're going too fast for my liking. And then... If your engine shut off... Saw one of my buddies slide against the windshield. You would lose... A little cartoon Looney Tunes bug. Are you sure this actually happens? Because you would lose power steering. That would be really bad.

Amen you lose power steering. I have a feeling this is fun fact you discover exactly once right and then you die yeah It's a legend that I hear or maybe it was just something his dad told him so he wouldn't fucking drive a hundred miles per hour You can do it. What's the best you've ever driven in a car? What's the fastest you've ever driven in a car well one time yourself? So one time I was this is this well no it's too late Is this?

Legally binding yeah, this is legally bonding so this is a story internet So this is a story of a fictitious nature right all right? This isn't a movie in a video game if you will this was an elf This was an elf so one time I personally Ted Nivison was on a road trip, and this isn't a movie Was on a road trip with that same friend and we were in North Dakota And I decided this was the perfect place to see if that beautiful Toyota Tacoma could go more than 100 miles an hour and

So I went more than 100 miles per hour in that truck. And that thing gets shaky when you go fast like that. It's rough at 20. You guys were both in that truck at one point. You imagine that thing going 100 miles an hour? No. Only if it's falling. There's no other way. So basically...

- The one reason why I remember that is we're like, there's just like cows on the left side, right side, and it's just like fucking open fields, North Dakota. But then we see some birds, and I'm going 100 miles an hour, so I'm like, I hope these birds notice that I'm going very fast. And the birds start to take off, but I'm going so fast, so like two of these birds hit the windshield, and I see in the rear view mirror them just like falling to the ground in the background, and I'm like, holy shit.

Because no not most of the time in my experience the birds are fast enough to get away when you're driving you don't worry about Oh a bird's not gonna get away. Right? Right? So did you take them? What did you the bird you stopping? Did you go birds think he killed did you go get them that's this all birds so terrible sorry I

Oh right the movie the move so in elf Santa Claus doesn't go get the birds out, right? Yeah Yeah, but that was so that was my experience going a hundred well That's that's fucking off the other other the other time that I went 100 was in New Mexico because thing about New Mexico is that it has like 85 80 mile per hour or 85 or something like that you just run and like

There's also a general rule of thumb that it's like if it's 80, then you can pretty much go 90. And if you can do 90, it's like 20 over. Yeah, so I see the problem. It's not like... This actually is pretty incriminating. This makes sense. I mean, in a movie, though, I would do that in New Mexico. This is all in the movie. I couldn't believe that Elf sped.

Yeah, his name is Buddy. Not Will Ferrell. Oh, right. They don't call him Elf. Hey, Elf. Elf, where are you? Why are you driving so fast? My name is Elf. About a month ago, I rented a Lamborghini and GTA V. And so, you know, the thing about Lamborghinis is that everybody wants to race you. And there's this guy in a motorcycle. And every cop wants to pull you over. Yeah, and then we were going like 120 miles.

In GTA 5. In GTA 5. You know, maybe a little fast. Maybe faster than that. Right. Somewhere less than 200, though. Under 200, definitely. But more than 100. But more. It was in between. And I was feeling the wind against my character.

And you know what? Against your character? Yeah, well, GTA 5. Right, of course. And then I was pulled, my character got arrested later for going 56 in a 45 while in the Lamborghini, and I was just like, oh, man. Dude, this is funny, too, because you've also made a video where you presented this as fact. Yeah, yeah.

Well, that part was fact. Oh, no, he did this in real life and then proceeded to do it in GTA. Yeah, I recreated the fast part. Right, yeah. I created the fast part. I recreated the arrested part. Oh, okay. It was so funny that I just get pulled over for going 11 miles per hour over. I was following traffic. Was it in the school zone? No, I was following traffic. There was a car like...

20 feet in front of me, a car directly to my right, and the cop pulls me over, and he's like, hey, first thing he says is, hey, what car is that? And I'm like, it's a Lamborghini Gallardo, sir. Are you going to give me a ticket? And he gives me a ticket. Fun. I had to go to driver's school. You don't argue with cops. You did? What are you, fucking crazy? I had to go to traffic court and then driver's school for school.

Running over children? No, no, that was later. No, I was getting bagels for my Spanish class in high school. I had them on the side of my seat and I was turning around a corner and all the bagels fell out and I went down to grab them and immediately rear-ended someone. Oh!

Did you even save the bagels? I did, actually. I did save the bagels, which was really good. They didn't even hit the ground. That's awesome. But I hit the car. Yeah, and then the guy in front, like, I got out right away because this has never happened to me before, and I was like, hey, are you okay? And he was like, yeah, like, everything's fine. I'm like, okay, I just wanted to make sure. Like, my car was damaged. His wasn't. So I was like, okay, cool. Second cop comes around. He goes, oh, my back. And I'm like, oh.

You've gotta be kidding me. Fucking, yeah, that's awesome. How am I gonna get the bagels now? The cop comes around? Yes. I actually had a similar thing happen. Unless, is your story over though? No, the bagels were pretty good. Yeah? Yeah, I went to court and then they, like, I was like a kid, so it was like rough. Right. And then I had to go drive to school. I was like,

15 or something. Oh, that sucks. So you must have been like... I don't think I had a license. Oh, yeah, it was terrifying. Wait, you didn't have a license? I had like a permit or something. Learner's permit? Were you with somebody else? No, wait, maybe it was a license. Yeah, you were probably 16. Yeah, I must have been 16. Yeah, you would have gone to jail. Yeah, no, but I went to like a traffic school thing and it was a bunch of people just like before someone comes in to do all the lessons and shit. I barely remember. Why did they make you go to traffic court for an accident? I don't know. Maybe it's because you're

you're young maybe I got a ticket I got a date and then I went and after that they said like we're not going to charge you anything it's not going to go on your record but you gotta go to this class and I went in and a bunch of people saying I don't think the speed limit should exist and they're all like in the fucking driver's school so I'm like clearly clearly you did not learn anything from me what are you in for I had a thing where I rear-ended somebody and it was it was a similar thing where I was like just in traffic and I like

dink someone from behind. And then later on, like the insurance calls me and they're like, oh yeah, this person's saying that they got whiplash. It didn't become anything, but it's just like... It always just sucks too. It's always what happens. They're just like, yeah, my neck was hurting a little bit after you did that. I mean, it's like some poor fucking kid on the other end. Here's the thing about the Tacoma though, and I love talking about the Tacoma, but I've been rear-ended three times in my experience with the Tacoma. Really? And every single time

The Tacoma has absolutely obliterated the car that rear-ended me. You have a hitch? Can you put a trailer on the back? Yeah. Oh, so it's like a frame. Right through the radiator of every sedan that drives underneath you. So basically, I've actually got rear-ended twice in almost the same exact spot in my hometown. But every time, it's like someone will hit me pretty hard. And you can kind of tell in the rear view mirror. And I'm like, oh, here we go again.

But it's like... I don't know. I don't really stop... Here we go again. He says as he slams on his brake. Yeah, exactly. Well, I don't necessarily stop very, very fast at all. It's like... So...

But basically the back bumper of the truck, it gets like a dent in it. And then this one Prius was totally... The whole front was crumpled. Airbag was fucking deployed. Actually, I don't think the airbag was deployed in that circumstance. But it got stuck under the truck and they had to get a guy to...

- Yeah, sounds like maybe we should Uber back to the B&B. - Very, very funny. - Yeah. - You silly goose, Charlie. - I mean, there's always questions like that, you know?

When you rent a car, they want to make sure you're all insured and stuff, and so they'll ask, you know, all that funny stuff. I rent a Tesla every time I'm down here, and it was a funny thing. Where do you rent a Tesla from? On Turo. Turo, yeah. And my boy, Angel, that I rented this one from, he asked me a very funny question. I'm going to relay on to you now, William. He asked me, would you rather have unlimited bacon... Yeah.

No more video games. Okay. And here comes the kicker. Or would you rather have games? Unlimited games. Yeah. But no games. No games. But no games. Unlimited games but no games or unlimited bacon and no games. So unlimited...

Unlimited, no, no, no, no, no. Unlimited bacon. No bacon. But no more games. Where's that? No more games. So unlimited. Do you get unlimited bacon? How much? Unlimited amounts of it. But you get no more games. Okay, but I... But then the opposite end of the... It's unlimited games. Unlimited games. Unlimited games. Yeah. As many as you want, but no games. I think that one, yeah. You want that one? Yeah. What kind of motivates that? I feel like...

It's just I spend too much time playing games. And how much time do you spend playing bacon?

Not, I mean not even- Cause what was the question? The question was- It was would you- Yeah. I have unlimited bacon but no more games. Or unlimited bacon. No no no, games. Games? Unlimited games. Unlimited games. And you'd say, you'd think like okay well now it's gonna be no game. Well in an ideal world you would have games and no games. But in an ideal world there are no games. Make the games go away. I like the games to sort of exist in a- Then I can make more content. So then you should take the bacon.

But you don't get bacon if all the games go away. And if the games go away, then you can make more videos and then you can be happy. But I don't want to make more videos. Because making videos is what makes people happy. So what is it? We get rid of big games. Our producer Boraf has PTSD in his eyes right now. He's like, what is this?

A couple people will understand. He's laughing at us. He's getting boar-blasted right now. He can go fuck himself. Oh my god. Slatt had a major fan moment. Yes. Yeah, dude. We walked into the studio and this guy, he shakes my hand. He's like, hey, I'm Chris. And I'm like, hey, man.

And then I'm like, I know this fucker from somewhere. This fucker? I know this fuck. He is your elder. He is my elder. He's very old. No, he's not at all. Turns out a decade ago. He set up this whole situation for us. Turns out a decade ago, this guy Borif.

Was on Machinima Respawn, basically where my entire personality comes from, from Sark and APL and C-Nanners and Hutch. And this guy was on the goddamn show I watched all the time. You were on the New Year's Eve episode. Yeah. Wait, is it Borough? He's saying yes. Listen, seeing you had me buzzing like a mink whale, you know?

What? He's laughing at that. Now he's using words in the wrong way. Ian, Ian, quick, get on that, get on that. Mink whale. Buzzing like a mink whale. It actually looks like we are all buzzing like a mink whale right now. We are all buzzing right now. We're all buzzing, William. It was fantastic. Thank you. It was so great. It was like a roller coaster. We started off, and then we talked about existential stuff, and then it went back down. So for the first time ever, we can steal a little thing from Hot Ones and do what we do usually at the end of the guest episodes because we've got that camera.

Oh, yeah What do you got going on? Oh my god, what's the mezzan say looking like my mezzan say? Red hot, you know, I mean honestly the only thing normally I just like would say subscribe to chuckle sandwich But we did actually start my own podcast started your podcast science podcast, but it's not science at all. Oh

Yeah, it's with a bunch of nerds who probably, I think have played Call of Warzone with every single one of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's on it. And Ted is...

By far the best Warzone player. Yeah, no. By the way, before we end the podcast, I gotta talk about William Osmond. He just gave him the red carpet. I know, but I just gotta talk about William Osmond Warzone. He's a fucking menace. He's a fucking menace. It's me, William Osmond, now red. This dude is like your fucking, here's your older brother in the shitty basement downstairs. The backyard scientist. Like you hear him and he's like, ah!

Who else is on the podcast? How was he there? Where did he come from? Oh, my God. I had him. The podcast is called Safety Third. It's science-based. It's William Osman, Niall Redd, the backyard scientist, Alan Pan, Peter Striepel, and maybe some other scientists. Dude, Safety Third is such a fun name. I like that a lot. We should try that. We should have that.

We should make that our... Are we gonna do a neon sign here? It's a trademark. Have you guys launched yet? Have you done... Yeah, yeah. So have you filed for, like, trademarks or anything? Yeah, do you have all that stuff? Yeah, we did that. You have... Oh, damn. Okay. You know what we... Hey...

Hey, Ian. Pulled together. Honestly, check that out. Ian's fallen behind on a couple fronts. There was a podcast that just ended that was called Safety Third. So I'm like, someone probably had it. I just don't care. Any other projects you got going on? Stuff you want people to check out? Where can people find you as well? Why are you talking so fast? You're scaring me. Your brain's moving. Did you just search Safety Third? Advanced. Other than that, just, I don't know. Who cares? Who cares? Search William Osmond. What is it?

Search William Osmond. We've never had a guest who we've said, tell us where they can find you, and you just say, who cares? Nobody watches videos unless they get recommended them anyways. You'll find me if I want you to find me. He's youthful. He's youthful. I mean, he just turned 30. Thank you. And he's looking...

To be honest, he's looking 25. Low stress job. He's absolutely looking 25. Low stress job. I eat nothing but fast food. It's just like the fats kind of help you. Your skin's good. He's looking fit. He's looking fresh. Thank you. Nice hair. William Osmond. Pissed pants. Ladies and gentlemen, on the Chuckle Sandwich Podcast, the first episode of Chuckle Week. We are so lucky to have him here today. Thank you for coming on. Thank you for having me on for Sandwich Week. We should do it. Can we like all... All right.

And then zoom out or something. And then zoom out and I'll throw the water on slats. And show the seams. Show the seams of it all so you can see like the... Oh, okay.

Show all the stuff piled down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Show the picture of the chicken soup. Oh, wow. Look at that. I like this one. Everyone give it up. Give it up for her. All right. Chuck a week. Check out Subway. New Zesty Bacon Ranch. Baconator. Thanks for coming by, folks. The BioCock Baconator. Check it out. All right. Peace out. That's an extra cock. More of you later.