What Video Game Characters Could We Beat in a Fight?
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Ted, can I get real upset again? Again? I don't think that there's ever been a barrier to you getting upset on this podcast. Ted, every freaking week, there's something wrong. Two weeks ago, three weeks ago with Danny Gonzalez, I could barely move. Two weeks ago, my desk was stuck standing and I had a stand when I was doing all my work for two weeks straight. Which, by the way, you just fixed before we recorded this. Just fixed. I'm just now sitting.

Last week, I don't even remember what was wrong when I was pissed. There was something, though. This week, Ted, my eye is so screwed up, it's incredible. You want to know what I got recently? Pink eye? No. I got a stye. Oh, you got a... Do you have a stye right now? I have a...

Yeah, there's a freaking sty. Dude, show me your fucked up little face. Oh, it's not that bad. It's not that bad because I've been had, I've been, I got the ice pack on it all day. Have you seen it? Yeah, I see that. That sucks. Jesus Christ. Dude. It's terrible. It's terrible. Oh, I've gotten a sty before. I've gotten a sty before and it is not pretty. It's awful and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. Yeah. And I'm just going to keep the,

The ice pack got me the whole time. The whole time, I'm just going to be icing. It's going to be real awkward this episode. So I'm going to hit you with a little bit of a news flash, Lad. Okay. An ice pack is not a way to heal a sty. It's actually the opposite. You need a warm compress. Are you fucking with me? Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich. I'm not lying. I'm not lying. Last time I got a sty, it was like...

I started feeling it because you know when it's coming too. I don't know if you've done this before. Well, no, no, but I felt it coming. Now I know what it's like. You were a virgin and now you've had your sky cherry popped. Exactly. And I read online, I binged it and it was like, you got to do the cold compress. Okay. That's the crux of this whole thing. You binged it. You binged it. Why are you binging shit?

You got to head over. No, don't step the mustache. Yeah, I head over to Google. Head over to Google. I went on DuckDuckGo. I went on. DuckDuckGo? I asked Jeeves. I asked Jeeves about it. Who is Jeeves? Jeeves said I got to put a cold compress on it. Jeeves just sounds like you're like a random guy you found on the streets of Austin. Jeeves? Yeah. I asked Jeeves. That's what Jeeves said. I know my favorite guy who drives down to a 7-Eleven and just spoils it.

splashes some cold water on the face of somebody. He's like, ah, ah, Jeeves, look. He's my life coach, man. He's my life coach. You know what? Actually, you want to know something that you just unlocked the memory for me, Ted. You remember Cha-Cha?

Cha-Cha the Frog from Rainforest Cafe? No, not Cha-Cha the Frog. Not that Cha-Cha. The Cha-Cha that used to be the search engine. I'm talking about a different Cha-Cha, Ted. The search engine that used to be like Ask Jeeves and used to be like Bing. But there was something unique about this one. It had a phone number that you could text.

and it would respond. It was like a little bot that you could text back and forth. And I just asked it for little jokes and, you know, little pleasantries to keep me occupied on like long car rides and stuff. It was so fun. And then my parents got the text messaging bill and I never texted it again. Damn. Yeah. You had a secret relationship with a robot. And once your parents found out, it was all over. Did you ever have a

So I'm going to admit something here. Did you ever have a moment when you were a kid where you kind of like gotten a little bit of microtransaction trouble?

Well, you know what I'm talking about? Oh, I know what you're talking about. But mine wasn't like I stole my parents credit card or something or like it was like in the game and I bought some more loot boxes or something. It was literally with this robot cha-cha. Oh, that I text. That was it because it was not only was it like 25 cents per text, but

It was 25 cents per received text, too. Oh, they were charging you for even the... And that's funny, too, because it's like, you know he's going to respond. It responded instantly, and it sent multiple. Oh, it would send multiple? You couldn't even control how many it would respond to? Tucker, have you heard of Jeeves, Tucker? No, I have no idea what Jeeves is. It was fucked up. It was fucked up. How do you know it wasn't just a guy?

Because it was so instantaneous. He always had jokes. He always told new jokes. And like, it was just, you know. Were the jokes even good? No. Damn. My microtransaction thing as a kid was, I think it was, oh my God, it was one of those. It was a game that was not, it's kind of like that cat game that you did a sponsor for.

Battle Cats. Battle Cats, which I ended up playing. I was reminded of it after you did that sponsor on it because I did play the game. It's a fun game. It's fun. They have a lot of microtransactions, though. Oh, yeah. And I played it. It was a similar game. It was like stick figures, though, and they were fighting. But it was that same sort of like...

flat 2d thing tower defense send some guys to your side send some guys to other um and i would just i was behind the upgrades and it was like one of those things where i think it was my mom's character was attached to like the apple account for like itunes purchases and i didn't know it happens man i think it was like i didn't think that it would work if i tried but i tried and it worked and i was like

I don't know where this is coming from, but I don't mind at all. The money tree. And I was like, yeah, exactly. So I sort of would do small little purchases. Oh, it's just $4. But then you do that fucking 30 times. And then later on, I get sat down by my parents and they're like, so we just...

We just noticed that there was like 400 extra dollars than we had. 400? Oh my God, Ted. You put $400 on your parents' credit card for Battle Cats? Yeah. Yeah, I did.

Well, it wasn't battle. It was a stick figure game, not battle cats. Oh, well, I'm sorry. But honestly, barely a difference. But yeah, I did that. And that was, uh, that was my microtransaction Fortnite V bucks moment that I had. Um, that's rough. I know for a fact that Tucker never had that happen.

Yeah, you'd be right. There's no way in hell that's happening. No way in hell that's happening. Yeah, you had to – because Tucker – I mean, Tucker is – I yearn for the mines. Tucker – yeah, you yearn for the mines.

Tucker has always been way more money efficient than I have because you like worked for your Xbox 360, right? I had to. My parents were anti-video games, so they said if you want the Xbox, you got to buy yourself. So I was mowing lawns and leaf blowing all summer and fall. And my mom said, I'm not getting you any of these M-rated games or anything. So I had to do it all myself. My dad has never bought me a single video game. My mom has bought me maybe two.

Yeah. Oh, you know, oh, fuck. You remember what they used to do at the GameStop? I used to hate getting games with my, dude, you had to get your mom to like drive you to the GameStop to get the new Grand Theft Auto. The new Battlefield 3 just came out and you were super psyched as an 11-year-old to get the new Battlefield. And then the fucking douchebag behind the counter who's like, just, he just hates his life. He's getting paid $7 an hour. He's like,

you know, this game is rated mature. Yeah. Meaning it's for adults. And, and he's just like, yeah, yeah. Fuck you. You little twerp. Fuck those guys, dude. Well, did you ever have to use a justification to get your parents to allow you to buy something? No, but,

my mom would always, I remember the fucking look she'd always give to me. She'd just be like, okay, but I'm not happy about this. You know, she'd always looked out at me like, Oh what? You didn't tell me as if she didn't know, as if she didn't know that the game I wanted was not murder as many people as you can. She knew what the fuck was going on. I remember, I remember when it came to when red dead redemption came out, I was,

acting a little slick. I remember what I said to my mom because we went to like the Westford Massachusetts Game Stop I think. There's

Dude, that's where I bought Red Dead Redemption with my mom. Really? Really? Yeah. And dude, that guy, he tried to screw me. He read not only is it M, he read why it was M. He's like, strong sexual content, strong vulgar language, blood and gore. I was like, dude. Why is every GameStop employee a fucking narc? Racism. Bigotry. It's got this. It's got this. There's a person that's shot in the head. There's rape. I mean...

Let's be honest. I mean, Grand Theft Auto 5, right? You know you can pick up, you know you can get women into your car and then fuck them and then kill them? Oh my God. You know that's how people play that game? I mean, let's be honest. Grand Theft Auto, of all of the games, hardest sell for the parents. No way any kid's going to sell that. That was the one I wasn't allowed to get. That's the fucking boogie. So I bought it on Amazon. That's the parental boogie man of video games. And for somewhat good reason, I suppose, it is a very grotesque game series. Yeah.

But when I went to go get Red Dead Redemption with my parents, I told her, oh, well, you know,

It's set in the turn of the century. This is when cowboys were around. It would be sort of historically enriching. That's sort of the framing that I came with. You played the history card? I played the history card, man. I was like, I'm going to start doing better in school if you let me shoot fucking bandits. No shot. No shot you did that. I'm telling you right now, that is what I said. I was like, Mom, this is like history. This is the American history. I'm an American. I want to learn more about history.

our country. And did she buy it? I mean, yeah, she, she let it happen. She let it happen. I don't think that it was, I think at that point, how old were we Tucker? When it came out, when did it read redemption? It came out in 2011, I believe. So we would have been like 13, 13. Okay. Yeah. So it probably wasn't that hard of a sell at that point because yeah, that, I mean, wait, Ted, I got a question. Was your mom then buying you the game? Because I had to sell it and I had to use my own money too. I was sitting there with my cash. Yeah.

With the game, like, mom, just let me pay for it myself, please. I must have. I can't imagine the sell if they're buying it. I don't know if they bought that one. I think I was. I think it was 2010. It's one of those things, though, where that period, 13, 12, 13, I didn't really have, like, a job or anything. And I didn't. I mean, I had the mowing of lawn, my front lawn. My parents would let me mow the lawn every day.

That's why GameStop does trade-ins. It's for kids, man. You gotta sacrifice two games to get a new one. Yeah, it's like a fucking deal with the devil is what it is. It's like, hey, come here. And we're gonna sell this and, God, GameStop. Fuck GameStop. Fuck GameStop. Fuck GameStop. And all the Tucker haters out there,

Fuck you too. Fuck you too, bitch. Yeah. There's a funny thing I saw on the chocolate sandwich subreddit because there was a thing where it was somebody posted a poll and it was like, are you a Tucker hater? Or it was like, do you love Tucker or something like that? And there was two options and it was like, do you love Tucker? And it was yes and yes. And then somebody replied to it and they were like, are there...

Are there even has anyone said that they hate Tucker like and I don't know if there has been that I think we just started we like prematurely just started going after this fictional like group of people that were like anti Tucker but speaking of video game Schlatt we actually have a little bit of a topic that we're doing in that same vein.

You guys seem to really enjoy the last time that we did a tier list. I mean, we've got the tier list master right here, Shlaticus himself. I do do tier lists for a living. He does that. That is all I do. That's his thing. He's looking for those ones, baby. Looking for that moolah. Jesus. And today, what we are going to do is we are going to see...

there's a lot of video game characters out there. We're going to see which video game characters we can be in the fight. That's, that's literally it. That's we're going to, we've got a whole list. Tucker here is in control this time because Tucker was in the last podcast that we did this, but for some reason I decided to control the tier list movement and Tucker didn't say, said like maybe two words. So we're going to involve Tucker more this time because you guys mentioned that that was an issue and I agree. Uh,

I'm in the business of beating the shit out of people. I think about it a lot. I think it's just a very innate thing for us men. We like to think about how strong and powerful we are and who... We size people up.

Is what I'm saying. If I'm walking down the street, I'm thinking about how I can kick the shit out of you. Right. Especially if you're a fan and you're like coming up to me with a fucking phone and putting a phone in my face. I'm thinking about how I could strangle you and mangle you. We've got a whole list. We've got like maybe 33 characters here. What is our rules here?

So I'm thinking mano y mano. But if shit hits the fan, you know, I'm thinking I could also have access to a gun because I would in real life. And none of these people are real. I think you should take it creator class style in the arena. In the arena? Boxing gloves? But I'd like to, you know, I'd like to see myself in a situation though where...

Because there's a whole lot of regulations there. I mean, I want to be able to start using my teeth and biting and clawing and tearing if I need to. Is that fair? It's a fight to the death. You're both naked. How about this? Fight to the death. There's no rules, no regulations, but you're both naked and you've got nothing. And you're both naked and you're not wearing anything. I don't think you can be naked because Samus is inherently not naked.

But yeah, but she is, but she's naked in this. Okay, so we just assume that Samus, I guess, is naked within the suit. Does that make you feel better about it? Yes. Yeah. No, I'm feeling good about that. It's funny that you went immediately to Samus out of all the characters and not something- I didn't go to Samus. I went to Samus. Oh, Tucker went to Samus. I went to Samus. Listen, it's me and Tom Nook. It's me and Funky Kong. Make sure that's known.

It's me and Funky Kong and we're both naked and we're sweaty and it's hot. The fight is happening in Texas so that the perspirations really start to build up on all our bodies and we're really starting to feel the heat. We get it. And if I press my body up against there'd probably be a little bit of glide because of how glistening we both would be. It'd be a frictionless situation. Completely frictionless. It'd be like walking on the moon.

you know, normally you've got the S whatever. We've got it ranked from at the top. They will die. We will kill this person a hundred percent. They are not going to live. They will be turned to cosmic goo. Um, then below that we've got, we'd probably win, you know, they'd put up a fight. Uh, we probably have some bruises, but we are kicking this thing's ass. Um, below that we have close match, but we win. So they put up, they definitely put up a fight, you know, things are looking a little dicey, but you know, we win. Uh,

Below that, we have 50-50, totally evenly matched. We don't know who would win this. Below that, close match, but they win. Then below that, we would need to get lucky in order to win this match. And then below that, we will die. They will kill us. We will die. We will die. So, yeah, let's just get into it. Tucker, you can just choose at your leisure. What's the first one that we got to do? Yoshi. Yoshi.

Yoshi. I'm fucking Yoshi up. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Your whole career is getting rode on. Your back is getting rode on by Mario and Luigi, the two biggest pussies on the planet. What sort of abilities does Yoshi have? He's got a tongue. I don't know. He licks it. The only reason he doesn't fuck up Mario and Luigi is because they're cool.

You wouldn't be cool with Yoshi. Tucker, you think Yoshi's going to fuck me up? Well, you got beef with Yoshi, so I'm assuming he's got beef with you. It's not like you're friends. There you go. What reason, Schlatt, does Yoshi have beef with you? What's that situation? Listen, I don't have beef with Yoshi. I just think I'd fuck him up. I think he's a little pussy. You heard him talk? Yeah, I have heard him talk. I wasn't sure what you were saying there at first. It came out so strangely. Okay.

Okay, so you think you would fucking kill Yoshi? I would fuck him up so quickly. Man, that's tough. Because, you know, in Smash, he does that little thing where he moves his legs real quick when he jumps up. I feel like that, you know, and he's got all those moves that, no. No. The spike thing. The spike thing when he comes down. The spike thing.

you know what you can do you know every character in every video game can fucking do this character can swallow you and put you into an egg in seconds and throw you off a cliff that sounds like my ideal thursday night that be that as it may that still results in death slap no it doesn't this is probably like probably like an egg no i mean don't aren't eggs for protection

Okay. All right. That's a fair point. I don't think it would be a wash, though. I think that it's a dinosaur. I think it would put some damage. I think we would probably win. I think that's fair. I think that's fair. Look, I mean, he gets rowed. His job is to get rowed.

You know? Yeah. Ridden on. He's a submissive dinosaur. He is. He's a little sub. He's a sub. This isn't... He ain't no Dom. He's not a fucking Jurassic Park T-Rex. All right?

I think that's a fair... I think that's pretty cut and dry, Ted. I think that rating's pretty good. All right. We would probably win. The chief. Master chief. All right. We'd die. I'd die. We'd die. We'd be dead. All right. I'd be dead. That was pretty cut and dry. Have you seen that scene from the Master Chief show? He's fucking seven feet tall. Yeah. He's seven feet tall. He's an orphan. And he... And he... And he... And he... What? A life of hardship, really. He's got a lot of pent-up anger, you know? Have you seen, like, fucking...

Taking his trauma out on you? Dude, I've watched the musical Annie and she would kill a man if she had to. Have you seen the TV show based around Master Chief on Paramount Plus where they show his ass every other scene? No, actually I haven't because I don't want to be upset.

You've watched it, Tucker, haven't you? No, I boycotted that shit, dude. It's softcore porn. There's a sex scene. Directed by David DeContro? I would not stand a chance against him. Especially if he's wearing a suit made of... I don't even know what the suits are made of. Something composite. Something composite, you know.

something there's something in there i'm surprised you don't know that but he's but he's naked in the suit the when the guy walks it makes there's there's a boom there's a boom it's like he literally weighs as much as a forklift probably more and like yeah no i mean there's no question he a punch of his would would

cave a human skull. It would cave. It would cave. I mean, they've made so many video games about him. He couldn't be weak at this point. Yeah, seriously. He keeps living. His whole thing is that he doesn't die. He's never died in the game. He fell from space and lived. We're getting fucked up by him. We're getting fucked up. Done. How about Coach from Left 4 Dead 2? I don't know. I mean, Coach is one of those things where it's like...

Coach is sort of... I mean... He's probably one of the most romantic Left 4 Dead characters. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And he'll be naked in this fight. And he...

But here's my thought. Here's my thought, Ted. When you think of like a coach, all the coaches I've had in my life have been out of shape and past their prime. So while coach may have been a real go-getter and a real like he might have put up a fight back in his day, I don't think coach now...

I think we probably have an edge on him just because of our youthfulness. And I think also if I get naked and

And I start arching my back like the hunchback of Notre Dame. And I start talking like the Jack when I start going. And I walk up to coach and I get on his back. I mean, he's inherently unable to do anything unless he's got someone else there to help him. That's his inherent trait is that any character from Left 4 Dead can't do fucking shit if they get caught in something. So I'm just tearing at his cheeks, clawing at him. Jockey style. I think.

doggy style cheeks what do you why'd you have to make it like that what we're naked and but i wanted to say something here um there's a caveat to his nakedness though is that he is naked but like he's got to keep on that fucking bowling shirt he's got to keep on the bowling shirt i mean he does have to keep am i really fighting coach yeah um tucker if uh if a naked ted jumps on your back are you leaving him there are you tossing him off

What do you mean leaving him there? You're leaving him up there or are you going to toss him off? I don't know. What day of the week is it?

Shit. Thursday? Thursday, he's getting the fuck off, dude. I got shit to do on Thursdays. You tossing him off? Yeah, tossing him off. You're going to toss off Ted? I'm not going to carry him into fucking chem class like that. All right, man. I'm just saying. Did it? Yeah. Dude, imagine. Toss Ted off all you want, man. That's not my prerogative. Dude, don't do that. Don't do that. Okay, where's coach going? A thousand dicks on a wall. I wouldn't mind. Where's coach going? How many are you choking on?

You know, Coach, we'd probably win. We'd probably win. We'd probably win. Yeah. We'd probably win. We'd probably beat Coach. We probably would. We probably would. Okay. What about Ness?

I'm fucking that child up. He will die. Okay, he's got the baseball bat. He comes with the bat. I don't care what he's got. He doesn't have the... No, he doesn't come with the baseball bat. He comes with the fucking bat. He does not come with the baseball bat. Tucker seems like he feels very strongly about it. That's part of his identity. We're both naked. Okay, this is a whole nother...

Okay. What do you have to say? Maybe we're not naked for this fight, but he does not have a baseball bat. Okay. I mean, yes. Any minor video game character is not naked. Let's just get that clear. I'm fucking him up. I'm fucking him up. Put him at the top. I'm going to mush him. Mush him. I'm going to take...

I'm going to run up to him. I'm going to grab. And also, we're not naked, by the way, during those fights, too, with the minors. Because that may be also an insane thing to see. Yeah. That's an old game, man. He's 40 years old. They don't age, Tucker. It's like Ben 10. They don't fucking age. No, Ben 10 did age. There's like 10 series where he's like an adult. I mean, in the other series, it's like, oh, we make a reboot and then he's older. Yeah. But like they don't. They don't age.

These soulless eyes don't have an age. Yeah, I mean, he's got fucking eggs for eyes. I don't even want to talk about this anymore, man. And I'm tearing away his bat and I'm beating him to a pulp. He will die. You have a history of beating people with bats, actually. I do. I do. It's in every single one of my YouTube comments on any platform that I appear on. Yeah. All the evidence is out there and I haven't gone to jail. We know your track record.

What's next, Tucker? Let's do this ugly me. Ugly me. Just the me? Yeah, I think this is just the me. Well, no, it has to be. Let's talk about this me. Yeah, blue shirt, glasses, big nose. Big nose. Smirk. He looks like the kind of person that would have been into computers in the 90s. Yeah, yeah, which does not.

Which either makes you a billionaire or a loser. It looks like he could work at GameStop. He could. That's the fucker who wouldn't warn your parents that the game you're trying to buy was about drugs and hookers. But look, Mies in general, think about it. They don't have feet. They float. Do they float? They don't have hands.

Unless you're playing a game that gives them extra. I think that we need to include the fact that anything a Mii can do, it extends to all of the sports they play. Because they play a lot. Oh, shit. It's a very multifaceted... Well, that means they've got experience boxing, sword fighting. So he's a well-rounded guy. He could be well-rounded, yeah.

We might lose in that case. We might lose. And have you tried to like, have you ever like taken a Wii remote playing Wii Tennis and just spun it around? You see how fast they move that thing? No, they fucking, okay. They could go psycho. They could go psycho. 50-50. You agree? You can't bring up the most threatening thing a character can do.

The most threatening thing I've ever fucking heard, Ted, and then say there's a 50-50 shot. I think it leans towards the me in that case. Close match, they win. Fine. Close match, they win. Yeah, yeah. I'll give it that. I'll give it that. What's next, Tucker? What do we got? Sonic. Where's he going? He is fucking fast, and he can do a lot of insane shit, and he can turn into a golden thing that can fly.

And he can spin. I think it's his shoes. I think it's his shoes. And I think if we're both naked, all those powers go away. What a strange opinion to have. You think it's his shoes? Yeah.

Hedgehogs don't move that fast, actually. Okay. I would outrun one in real life, and you have to think about it. He's coming into our domain. So I don't think that Sonic's actually a hedgehog. Let's get that out of the way first. What do you mean? Okay, they just call him a hedgehog. I think they're like, that looks like a hedgehog, I guess. He's not a hedgehog. What is he? I don't know. He's a fucking alien or something. Alien? Yeah, he's a fucking weirdo. I think it's in his shoes.

Okay, maybe it's in his shoes, but I don't think he's a fucking hedgehog. Okay. How does this affect whether or not you're going to kick the shit out of him? Because if he's not a hedgehog, then I'm like, I don't know what the fuck that thing is. I'm going to be fighting this thing with a little bit of disgust in my head. I'd be like, what? Here's the thing. I'd be like, what?

Get out. This is just. Stay away from me, you fucking blue freak. Yeah. And look, you only, when you think about it, Ted, when you're moving that fast, all you need to do is get hit by something and then you're out. You're out for the count, dude. Yeah. If Sonic's running towards you, all you have to do is do something really erratic. And he just, you can literally clothesline him. You just hold your arm out and he's dumb enough to run into it. Boom. Dead. Yeah. Dead. Probably gonna break your arm though. Yeah.

Oh, he definitely will. He definitely would do that. But I'm just saying, and it's half of this reasoning is because I want to piss off all the Sega fans who have ever existed because your company is dog shit, and the best character you could do is a fucking blue blob with funny sneakers that make him go fast. I'm not into it. I'm not into Sonic. I think I'd get...

I think I would... I'll let you do this one. You can tell me. I think I would fuck Sonic up by landing a really good blow. It's like that. It's like the German Shepherd, you know? Like, I just land one really good kick on him. Yeah, I mean, I think the court of public opinion thinks your German Shepherd idea is fucking nuts.

You just have to land one good hit and then he's dead. Anyone who's ever talked about the German Shepherd thing is like, Schlecht's a fucking idiot. Like, he is going to die to that German Shepherd. There is no one that agreed with you, I don't think. Sonic, listen, Sonic will, he cares so much about running. He's like moving it all around. Schlecht, make your choice. What are you doing?

I can't see the options. I can't see the options. I think I will reliably beat Sonic. Okay, you probably win. That's your... It's an A tier, essentially. Sonic doesn't even attack when he runs. He doesn't. There's no, like, dash strike. He doesn't use his momentum to fucking punch people. In that case, he'd probably kill somebody. You guys are in a fight. He'd be fighting you.

It's not like you're just going to show up to Yoshi in his natural environment and hope he doesn't kill you by just doing what he does. I'm saying he just runs really fast. That's all Sonic has ever done. And so if he's running real fast, all he has to do is run into concrete real fast, and he's dead. He's done. Yeah.

Fine. He's done, man. I mean, this is my domain. This isn't Green Hill Zone. There aren't ramps everywhere. This isn't Ted's post-apocalyptic world of ramps, ramp emporium. I mean, they did have a good thing going with those ramps in the Green Hill Zone. I mean, that is like a perfect infrastructure in that society. He comes to Austin, Texas...

He's going to see a rampless wasteland, and he is going to be full of strip malls and guys named Jeeve. Completely out of his element, and I'm going to take him to town. Well, now that interesting wording. All right. What's the next one, Tucker? We're going to do the hooded guy from Assassin's Creed. The hooded guy? Ezio? I'd need to get lucky. It's a fucking assassin. If you want to call him that. Yeah.

It's an assassin. That's literally... What do you mean if you want to call him an assassin? No, I was talking about Ezio. Oh. What else would you call him? The hooded guy. I thought he was supposed to be mysterious. I mean, I guess if you didn't know his name, but we know his name. Ezio Auditore from Assassin's Creed. I didn't know he had a name.

Yeah, well, I'm here glasses fucking here on the podcast with Mutton Chop Boy and Ghost in the Corner speaking words. What? Ezio's going to fuck us up. Ezio's going to fuck us up. 100%? Would we need to get lucky or will we just 100% die? I think it'd be a closer fight than Master Chief because Master Chief is awesome, but

I mean, every time I try to fight him, time is going to slow down for me and he's going to get a chance to attack. So it's going to suck. It's true. Yeah. You need to think about that. Yeah. You got to think about the fact that we're operating within his rules. Can you imagine? That would suck. That would suck. Like I'm swinging at him. I'm like, why is time slowing down? And then he's like, he starts doing like a fucking finisher on me. That would suck. What's next? Funky Kong. Funky Kong.

And we're both naked for this one. I feel like I could distract Funky Kong from the fight and we'd start hanging out and smoking weed. Keep going. Don't stop. I don't know any other lines he's got. Yes! I don't know if he said... Does he say yes?

I'd imagine he would. All I know is that Funky Kong on the Flame Runner was the best combo of all time in Mario Kart Wii. Funky Kong on the Flame Runner. Sometimes even the spear, if you were on a course where you needed to go fast over handles sometimes, you know what I'm saying? I'm just saying. Do you think you'd win? Are we fighting him or are we befriending him? Oh, no. Funky Kong. Funky Kong. It sounds like you want to start a relationship with him more so than...

He's a beast. I mean, he's a great ape. Is he not a great ape? What do you mean, bedroom? He is a great ape. He is a great ape. Also, it turns out from that episode, Tucker pointed this out to me, we laughed at great ape as if that wasn't a real thing. That's a real designation for apes. Yeah, great ape. Great ape.

But to think of it being as it just being a good ape is like this is a quality. In this case, it's both. I mean, yeah. But here's the thing. Funky Kong kind of chill. Funky Kong kind of chill. He might listen. You could get one good hit into Funky Kong and he might say, hey, man, let's chill out. Let's take it easy. So it could be 50-50. It's got to be 50-50. Yeah. All right. Love you, Funky Kong.

Okay. Donkey Kong, no. I don't think Donkey Kong's letting anything pass. I think that we'd lose to Donkey. Yeah. He's not on this list, luckily, though. Is he not? Yeah. We replaced him with Funky Kong because when we were talking about this, you were like, I'm not doing this episode if I don't get Funky Kong on there. And then you start licking your lips, and then here we are. So what's...

Next one. The blue Among Us character. So, yeah. I mean, this is... We knew this was coming. I mean, everyone who's listened to this podcast knew that this was coming. Specifically the blue. Specifically the blue Among Us character. I mean, this is one of the most iconic video game characters of all time. The blue one? Yes, the blue one. Specifically... What is he, Cerulean? Is that how you say it? Cerulean?

Is that how you pronounce the light blue color? I thought it was cerulean or some shit. I never really looked into it. Oh, you just didn't know how to pronounce cerulean. I didn't know. Is it called cerulean? Yeah, Ted's right. Cerulean.

Are you serious? That's how you say it? Yeah. I call that shit like seraline or some shit. Wow, that's embarrassing. That sounds like a fucking drug for boners is what it sounds. Seraline. I'm just saying. Sorry, babe. I didn't take my seraline.

The fact that that shade of blue is called cerulean, it does not deserve something that classy. Anyways, we keep going. If this was the green Among Us character with a little sprout on his head and he went, Ray, I would fuck him up. But the blue one is a bit of a toss up, you know? Dude, look at that guy. I'm going to kill him. Mm-mm.

No, you're not. You don't know that. I do. I do. I do know that. I do know that. I know that in my heart of hearts. How do you know that in your heart of hearts? Because look at him. The Cerulean one. He's blue. I can't believe it's pronounced Cerulean. I'm losing my mind. Are you losing your mind? You really, this is rocking your world right now? I didn't, I just, that was the last pronunciation I thought that color would have. Cerulean? Cerulean?

I like how this is like really, this is fucking me. Dude, tomorrow, Shred's going to be walking around. Every person he sees, he'd be like, dude, guess what? It's pronounced Cerulean. And they're going to be like, yeah. I'm looking at the pronunciation right now. Cerulean. I can't believe it.

I thought it was Cerulean or some shit. I never knew how to pronounce it. It was always just up in the air for me. But Cerulean? The pronunciation always came with a question mark after it whenever you said it. Well, I never had to say it in my life. So that's why it surprised me. It's not a common word you'd have to say. Oh, my God. Who the fuck says it besides like Shotbot from video game high school? I don't know. I couldn't tell you.

Bullion! I'm not fucking this thing up. I think you're flying a little too close to something. I think I'm going to win, though, so I'd put it at the very least, close match, we win. Close match, we win. Sweet. Next, let's do the Psycho from the Borderlands series. I've never played Borderlands. Have you played Borderlands, Ted? I have. They're fucking psycho. I mean, it's true to the name. What do you think about them? Well, I mean, they're crazy. Hmm.

Is this the guy... And they seem to have a lot of, like, mental issues. And another thing about the psychos is that, like, they go around doing things that wouldn't be socially appropriate. Like... But they're also sort of, I mean...

I saw a clip one time. They're sort of one dimensional in that sense. I mean, they run around, they say things, they're like, oh, I'm going to eat your skin. And they run, and they run, they carry bats. But I also carry a bat. I know how to swing a bat. I know how to do that. So this is one, this is one...

It's just, it's a class of character though, right? Yeah. These are the grunts of the game though. Right. I think the only clip of borderlands I've ever seen is one of those dudes asking you to shoot him. And he's like, kill me, kill me, shoot me, shoot me, kill me. And then you shoot him and he goes, thank you. And he dies. I think that was, that was definitely a psycho, wasn't it? Cause people wouldn't normally do that. No, no people don't do that. People generally, um,

So there's a chance that if we get into the ring with this guy, he's going to say, kill me now. Yeah. He might want to be killed. And who are we to deprive him of that opportunity? Yeah. So we'd probably win.

We probably would. There you go. He would die. He would die. Cut and dry. Crystal, even. Yeah. I'd put him at the top, Tucker. Okay, do it. I think he'll just want to die. I think he's just crazy like that. Ness and a psychopath are the two people that we say they will die. Speaking of psychopaths, let's get your thinking on Tom Nook. Oh, my God. Tom Nook.

Tom Nook from Animal Crossing. I'm going to turn him into a fucking hamburger. Ground beef hamburger, okay? 20% fat, 80% lean ground beef he will be. And then I will roll him up. I'll put some salt and pepper and throw him on the grill, okay? Yeah, look, the capitalists, the bankers especially, bankers, they squeal. Bankers.

They squeal. They squeal. We are turning him into Jamba Juice. Dude, he's going to be a fucking... We're going to put some turmeric in him. We're going to throw some fucking spinach in him. We're going to put him in a fucking Vitamix blender, and he's going to come out, and we're going to feed him to every fucking white influencer girl in LA. We'll feed him to his kids.

Yo, there's two... Those two fucking things that run around all the Animal Crossing maps. Fuck them. I mean, that's pretty fucked up, but I'm down, honestly, because this guy is like... He walks around, and he's like, okay, move to my island. Here's a fucking...

ridiculous loan and i'm the only person that can do anything for you like terrible terrible he's a leech he's a he's a disgusting i mean he's a raccoon he's literally he lives in trash his grubby little hands with thumbs with thumbs what those those things don't deserve thumbs god and

If I caught a raccoon sifting through my trash bin, I would literally take its thumbs off and then set it back into the wild and see how long it lasts. You got to be careful of your words because if I ever hear that a raccoon was going through your trash, I'm going to be really disappointed if you don't say that you... If you don't present a thumb of a raccoon to me. Oh, if this happens, Ted, I am de-thumbing him. Is this a deal? Is this a deal? You're going to de-thumb a real raccoon? I will. I'll catch him. Is that illegal in any way? I will...

You can do whatever you want to raccoons.

No, I don't think that that's true. I don't think that you can do whatever you want to animals. Ted, there's a service in Texas called Helibacon.com. Okay. Because you go up in a helicopter and you shoot at boars with machine guns. They call it Helibacon. They're just wild pigs. They're not boars. They're predators. And the state of Texas put out an affidavit saying, go kill these things. Affidavit?

I'm just not good at pronouncing words, I guess. Did I get that one right? But they're like, go kill these things. They say, go kill these. You could do whatever you want. You could just take a bird and do whatever you want to it. They're actually so fun to kill that it's and they're so invasive, but people have so much fun shooting them that they don't like want to even get rid of them anymore. Do they? In a lot of states because they're so no, they just breed like crazy.

dude but they're so much fun to shoot people don't even want to get rid of them anymore they go on night crawls people go on night crawls with night vision goggles funded by these like they will they will give you night vision goggles and be like yeah let's let's go you know bravo six going dark and they fucking kill these things at night when they're sleeping dude like you dude can you imagine just like a scene from call of duty where it like opens up and it's like it's like

Austin, Texas. And you're like, what the fuck? What's going to happen in Austin, Texas? And you're like with Captain Price. And then he's like, he's like, two right there. You get the one on the left. I'll get the one on the right. And it's like just two pigs. It's two fucking pigs. And you just, you shoot him with a fucking 50 cal. And then he's like, good shit. So you can literally watch it on YouTube. They do it all in thermal. We used to watch it in the barracks all the time. That's awesome. Yeah. Speaking of Captain Price, though,

Is he on here? Did I not get him on here? No. Fuck. I didn't get him on here. But, I mean, a close lookalike, Roman from GTA 4. Roman. Roman. So for those who don't know who are too fucking young or something, this is a guy from GTA 4. This is the cousin of the main character. And he would call you all the time if you didn't want to do a mission with him. You get a ring on your phone. Brr.

You pick it up. Hey, Nico, it's your cousin, Roman. Let's go bowling. Or darts. Or darts, too. A hundred times a day, you'd have to fucking do family bonding in this video game with this fucking character. Roman...

And Roman always got you into trouble, too. And he was such a pussy. Like, you had to fix all his fucking problems. You'd be like, I got myself into shit, Nico. I need help. No, fuck you, man. Roman's dad. He's a squealer. He's a squealer. And we're winning. He'll squeal. He'll squeal right next to his little. We're going to throw him in a fucking cage all bruised and bloody with Tom Nook. And then we're going to fucking set a flamethrower to that cage. Yeah. Until the bars start melting.

You really can do whatever you want to birds, though. And animals that you want. We were talking about birds. We're not talking about birds. Why did you bring up birds? Are you killing birds? Are you killing bird schlatt? No. I mean, there are some birds that you could kill. And there are birds that Tucker said that he'd kill on sight. Yeah, if I had my own land and I saw European starlings, I'd probably shoot them. They're wicked invasive birds.

Yeah, there you go. There you go. There you go. And this is a message to the chuckle sandwich listeners out there. You see any European starlings? Bring them to us. Here's our P.O. box right here. Scott, put a fake link below me. This is the P.O. box. Send this. Send it to us. Put my real address in there. Put your real address in there. Send them to me.

You want a bunch of dead starlings? Tucker just starts getting hundreds of dead starlings in his mail. He's going to be like... That would do a lot of good. It really would. It would be a tough conversation with the wife that you'd be like, honey, I've made a big mistake. I love the idea. I love this concept of...

The Call of Duty characters being put into such nonsense situations. Like, such low pressure. But still going all out. You put the fucking night vision on. There's two sleeping starlings right in front. Roach, these Muppets have no idea we're here. Let's take this nice and slow. You know? Yeah. Or it's just like going to the grocery store to get, like...

Like Price has social anxiety and they're like just trying to get some fucking Cheerios from the grocery store. And he's like, all right, Roach, we're going to get in there. Roach, I'm too nervous. They grab it. And like once he grabs the Cheerios, he's like, he's like, he's like, Overlord, we're looking for X-Phil right fucking now. They're like running out of the grocery store.

roach can you call them and see if they're open i don't like talking to people over the phone soap my mom won't make a haircut a haircut appointment for me can you please call delirious please so can you call delirious i know that was your spot dude

It was. I used to go to a salon to get my haircut. In the Donald's Plaza. It was so specific, too. We're getting off track here. GLaDOS Portal 2. I'm going to put a railroad spike through that thing's fucking eyeball.

Are you serious? Dead. You are not fucking this thing up. Dead. This is a... Do you know how big GLaDOS is? Do you ever see the movie Reign of Fire? It's got a bunch of dragons in it. It's about dragons taking over the world. There's a scene at the end where a guy jumps off a cliff. Or no. Actually, I'm making a bad reference here because it's one guy that's an American that jumps off a cliff to fight a dragon and actually gets eaten in that situation. So I shouldn't use that as an example. But...

Any scene in any movie where a guy jumps off a cliff and he's looking like a badass, me, Railroad Spike, GLaDOS looking there being like, I'm a snarky robot. She's up on the ceiling. How are you getting up there? She's up hundreds of feet and she's looking down and she can locomote. And she's naked and you're naked. Two words. Ready for this? Moon boots.

Moon boots. Come on, man. You don't wear moon boots in portals. You wear the longfall boots. Wasn't it the moon that killed her? No, it wasn't the moon. It was you. I don't think it was the moon. You did kill GLaDOS, but you had to be flunked. You think the moon killed her? Don't you shoot a portal onto the moon at the end and it sucks all the shit out? Have you guys not played Portal 2? No, that is definitely something that happens.

I'm pretty sure that's the final scene because all of the material you can shoot portals on is moon dust. And there's a full moon and she looks up and she shoots one onto the moon. And then one. Right. I think that's how it ends. Well, here's what I say. This is how I'm going to kill Glatt. This is how I'm going to kill him. Okay? I...

She loves her experiments. I say, I say, hey, you know, do you want to be a really good experiment? Let's see how these portals interact with ramps. And then I get GLaDOS to build a massive ramp against her own interest because at the right moment, I'm going to find a railroad spike. I'm going to run up that ramp. This is crazy. Which reaches to the ceiling, by the way. And I'm going to put the railroad spike through his eye. GLaDOS will die. They will die. Okay, fine.

Fuck up GLaDOS. I mean, to be fair, if she's in potato form, very easy. Super easy. But, I mean, attached to the ceiling one, a little scary. Oh, GLaDOS doesn't die from the moon. It's Wheatley, right?

Because he becomes the antagonist. I was going to say, because I remember the whole thing where it's like that final thing in the room with GLaDOS. You kill GLaDOS and then Wheatley comes. Well, GLaDOS turns into the potato, right? Yeah. Right. And GLaDOS is like helping you. Yeah. Really, he's a fuck up in potato form, though. What about Doomguy? Doomguy? Dead.

Dead. You're killing Doomguy? No, no. We are dead. We are done. That's true. He literally went to hell and back and won. Yeah. I would love to see him naked, though. That would be interesting. Also, why? They couldn't come up with another name other than Doomguy? I don't think that they want it. I mean, Master Chief's name is John. The fucking vanilla of names. Yeah. What else we got, Tucker? Let's do Toadette.

This would not even be close. This would not even be close. I am fucking this thing up so hard. What does she have up her sleeve, though? I don't think she has sleeves. She's wearing a dress. Case in point. Case in point. She's done. And she's also very often bullied by Chain Chomps and Mario Party. So, yeah. No, I'd say she's dead. Yeah, no, she's dead. But what about Diddy Kong? Diddy Kong?

Also, you know, actually, you know what? Might be a problem. This might be. Yeah. He's got a gun that shoots peanuts. But he's naked. He doesn't have it. He doesn't have it. Being naked doesn't hurt any from holding a gun. Yeah, but he doesn't. You don't start with the gun. He's got a jetpack. He's mostly naked. He's got a crop top on and a baseball hat. He doesn't. If you're naked going into a fight, you don't pull out a jetpack or a gun. I think he pulls it out from himself, though.

I think this would be... I think we would have a better chance at Diddy Kong than Funky Kong. Okay, close match, we win. Yeah. Next. Pink Fall Guy's character. Pink Fall Guy. Pink Fall Guy's character. Okay, okay. I mean, sort of...

invincible though yes an invincible thing that's the thing that's what that's what i'm thinking in my head you can punch this guy as many times as you want but he's always getting up and he's making like a squeaking noise and that's going to demotivate you if you think you can't hit it's like that scene from spongebob with the tattletail strangler yeah you remember the tattletail strangler what was the name i don't know i don't remember was it i think it was flaps or something or like

Whatever the case, the fucking sun... The flounder. Yeah, the flounder. And he tries to punch SpongeBob and nothing happens. But if he punches you, he's not going to do any damage too, so it's got to be a 50-50. That's true. It would be a 50-50. It would literally be a draw. Next. Okay, this is a big one. Steve. Steve from Minecraft. You got to think about it being naked again. It always comes down to...

What you've got on you. And Steve is only powerful with his little enchantments and with his little pieces of armor that he puts on his body. He can destroy a tree with his fists. He can actually destroy anything with his fists. If you give him enough time. Yeah, that's true. It would take... His fists don't hurt. He can punch for as long as he wants and he will not feel it. He doesn't have fatigue. He doesn't stop.

Yeah, but his body does. You'd need to hit Steve. His body does. He does take damage. Yeah, you need to hit him 10 or 20 times and then he's out. Yeah, 10 or 20 times. Yeah. Yeah. I think we'd probably win with Steve.

I think we would, too. And you know what? I feel like we're leading a lot towards us being able to beat these characters up, which is a little concerning and speaks to our egos a little bit. I mean, I'm a little worried about your opinion on Sonic, which I let you have free reign on, but I mean... No, I'm fucking Sonic up. Okay. I'm fucking Sonic up.

We'll see what that... Yeah, no, he's done. He's done. What do we got here, Tyler? We can do Winston the Monkey from Overwatch. We would die. Right. It's a monkey in a fucking mecha suit. No. Does he have a gun? Hold on. He doesn't have a gun. But what I will say is that Winston's got a heart of gold, you know?

- Oh, is he like a smart monkey? - Oh, he's a nerd. Winston's a nerd, but he goes beast mode sometimes. That's his power. His ultimate is going beast mode. - So we're fighting to the death with this monkey. You're telling me that he has the intelligence of a very intelligent, like a very smart human, and that he's also a gorilla. And you're trying to make an argument that we would do anything but die? - No, no I'm not. - We will die. That's what I thought. - We will die. - That's my name tag.

Okay, well what about but again like he's naked yeah, I mean yeah every gorilla is but Tingle from the Legend of Zelda Okay, so this is like what an interesting one because like I have never seen this character before in a video What is what the fuck is that? It's it's that let's let's tell the character that is like What weird and why not Zelda or Link?

We got Link on here. We got Link on there. We're going to do Link. Tangle? We need to talk about him, though. Tucker, give us a rundown. What does he do? What's his thing? He's like a fairy elf helper who kind of wants to be your friend. First appeared in Majora's Mask on the 64. He's not outwardly powerful. So he's aged 24 years since this illustration of him.

since 1998, probably around when it came out. I think that this guy looks like he's probably really short. He seems incredibly kickable. He's wearing, what is he wearing? Is he wearing a fucking jockstrap? Yeah, on top of that green suit that iDubbbz used to wear. He looks like, yeah, he looks like 2015, 16 iDubbbz. He's getting fucked up and there's not even a question. He's dying. Tingle will die.

Tingle will die. You think he could take Link then? We need to get lucky. We need to get lucky. Yeah, Link is tough. We need to get lucky, I think. We need to get fucking lucky. He's good. He's good, man. He gets it. He gets it. He's good. That's a cut and dry one. Next. The Fallout Boy. The Fallout Boy. Hip boy? The kid on the logo? Is he even in the game? No. Oh, I mean, he's on the branding, though.

He's on the branding. He's a cartoonist. He is the brand. He is the brand. He represents surviving a nuclear blast, but maybe the notion of it doesn't go to his advantage. Time out. We need to talk about this more than we need to talk about whether or not we're going to kill him. What did you say? Surviving a what? Nuclear blast. Nuclear? Are you going to try to tell me that you pronounce it nuclear? Yes. Tucker? Nuclear? What?

What do you mean nuclear? Nuclear is not even a word.

I'm confused here. I'll give you cerulean. I'll give you cerulean. But nuclear is like what five-year-olds say when they think of bombs. Nuclear? What five-year-old is like nuclear bombs? We're not even gaslighting you right now, Ted. You've been saying that wrong. You just said we're not even gaslighting you. Tucker's not on your side right now. You are the only one that thinks it's pronounced nuclear. What? Say it. Say what you think the word is pronounced. Ted is in complete denial. Nuclear. Nuclear.

A nuclear bomb. Nuclear. Nuclear? How do you spell that? How do you spell nuclear? What do you think the pronunciation is? Nuclear. Ted, spell it out. Yeah, it's nuclear. You're saying a different word right now. You're saying a different word. You're saying nuclear. Like N-U-K-U-L-E-A-R. Nuclear. Nuclear.

Now I'm confused. What? Now I'm confused. What was that? I need to look at the word now because now I'm being gaslit. Nuclear is spelt N-U-C-L-E-A-R. There's no vowel between the C and the L. There's not two U's in that word. Just one. And you know what? This is another nitpick I need to get to. If you're saying there was an accident, it's not on accident.

And I don't know if you're one of these people that says it. Oh, I need to hear the pronunciation right now. I tripped on accident. No, you tripped by accident. You tripped by accident. Nuclear. Ted. You're changing it now, though, Ted. You're changing it. Nuclear bomb. You're changing it. Oh, my God. The first time you said you said nuclear. Ted, you said nuclear, and it is very clearly pronounced nuclear. Nuclear bomb.

no no i said it nuclear you said nuclear how do you spell nuclear riddle me that one man how do you spell nuclear this this hurts the most because i thought i was on the right side of it at the beginning yeah and now i'm confident and now i'm feeling like a little a little idiot right now i thought tucker was on my side should have stayed in school ted should have stayed in school dude

I finished college. That's the only one here who has finished college. Should have stayed in school, man. Okay. My pronunciation, though, is not as grotesque as Schlatt's pronunciation of cerulean. Cerulean. I thought I legitimately, in my head, every time I saw that word, I was like, it was like some amalgamation of cerulean, you know? Cerulean.

And that's just how I accepted it for decades. But honestly, I never had to say cerulean in my life. So this is not a problem that ever came up until now. But I guarantee you, Ted, you've said that word a couple times a year for your whole life, probably at least. And that's really embarrassing because it is so clearly just not nuclear. I'd like to move on from this. Okay. All right. Listen, we'll move on. Yeah.

Yeah, thank you, Chucky. Nuclear. Nuclear. Hear that? Nuclear. Nuclear. Nuclear. Nuclear. Nuclear.

You're still fucking it up, man. Say nuclear. Say nuclear. Nuclear. Nuclear bomb. Nuclear bomb. No, you're still... Nuclear bomb. There's still something going on there. There's still something going on there. Okay. Say the sentence about Pip-Boy. I have a hard time saying experience, too.

I mean, I didn't talk about that. It sounded great to me right then. It sounded great. Shut up. You nailed that, bro. You nailed that. Thanks, man. Come on. Look, guys, come on. You don't need to pump my ego a little bit just because I don't know how to pronounce nuclear. It was just embarrassing, and I wanted to point it out. And forgive me, but, I mean, you're wrong, and I needed to feel better than you. Yeah. I used to... I usually say...

experience i usually say experience yeah i say experience you did it fine experience points you took me down a peg with with cerulean and i had to take you down one so we're even now we're even now you were like looking for stuff and i was ready to strike too i was i was so sure that 100 of the words that i say were right and i just got oh man

So it's 1-1. It's 1-1. It's 1-1. It's 1-1. So who are we fighting now, though? The Fallout guy. Fallboy? I don't know. You make a good point. His whole... He stands for surviving nuclear bombs. I don't want to talk about Fallboy. I think he's already beaten Ted. Nuclear Fallout. He's already beaten Ted, so I'm dead because of the nuclear bomb.

the nuclear bomb. And you know what? I'd say he'd probably eke it out because he's also probably irradiated from the nuclear explosions. Yeah. Okay. We've got... How many more do we got? We got fucking like eight. Let's bang through some of these. We always do this. We always go for...

Overestimate or underestimate how long it'll... Well, I know. I see a little guy on there that I know I'm going to beat the shit out of. See Rayman? I see Rayman. We can do Rayman next. I see Rayman. Okay, so now this is something that Tucker's doing wrong. Something else is going on. Put a pause. Who is this? It's Rain Man from Rain Man Legends. Right? No. No. Not Rain Man. It's not Rain Man. Rain Man. It's Ray-Ban.

Ray-Man? The guy that made the glasses. No, it's Ray-Man. The guy that made the glasses. Ray-Mans. Yes. And I'm fucking him up. No, no, no. I'm not fucking him up. I'm not fucking him up. It's not going to be hard to land a punch. He barely even has stuff connecting him. There's not much to hit. There's not much to hit. And I'm thinking back to a video. I'm thinking back to a video I saw in which Clinton Jones, a.k.a. Punisher from Corridor Digital, was playing him.

And it was the most terrifying thing I've seen in my life.

I don't remember where this is, what unlocked this memory, but... So we will die because he knows it operates like an eldritch horror. Yeah, yeah, I would. All right, we will die. Rayman will fuck us up. Okay. Can I just say my piece on... Oh, go for it. Well, I don't know who this is. I know... Well, I don't know. I think they're from Overwatch. This is like the Overwatch porn girl. That's all I know. D.Va? D.Va? What an intro. This is like the...

It's just the Overwatch Porn Girl. I guarantee whatever this thing's name is, you Google it, it's within the first row of Google images. Dude, you're not wrong at all. You're totally not wrong. But for that to be before her name is Overwatch Porn Girl is... Now, there's no porn of her. If you search... You don't get to look it up. If you search diva porn, that's how you get the porn. Yeah. No. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean. This is like the one that's in the ads on the sidebar and it's like a gif, you know? Yeah, that's crazy. One of these has Nerf this written across her ass cheeks. What does she do? She is a robot. She sells. She gets in the robot. Oh, she's a robot? Yeah, she has a robot shell, but then it blows up and then she pops out and then she's less powerful. Is she just like different Samus then?

Yeah, pretty much Samus. It's pretty much Samus. Actually, Samus is in an exoskeleton. God, Metroid fucking nerd number one Tucker coming in to make his point. I mean, I think... But she's naked. I mean, does she do martial arts? Does she fight well? No, I think the strategy you have to play with D.Va once you're out of the robot suit is you run.

Oh, so close match, we win at least. I mean, if she's fighting all the time, she's got to have some experience. Yeah. All right. I'm down with that. I would fuck D.Va up. Okay. What about Mario, Ted? Mario? Mario? This one's a tough one. See? See?

There are some arguments to be made here that Mario is not as incredible as people like to say he is. He primarily operates by beating people via weak spots. The guy never really has that much of a health pool to draw from, you know? Oh, shit. Yeah, you are right. You get hit like...

Like in the majority of Mario games, it's like he's got what? Like a fucking pizza pie worth of health. And that goes down with like five hits. So like, yeah, he touches a mushroom, a mushroom, a fungus, a fungus that grows on the floor of a forest. And he is thrown up his hands and falling off a brick wall. Mario is made of glass, but he shoots fireballs naked or not.

He needs to do drugs to do that, though. That's true. That's true. He needs to eat a flower. Sober Mario versus sober me? That could be close. That could be close. And you made a good point about all his enemies being... You just get the weak spot. He's not used to an enemy that'll fight back that can take a couple hits. I don't think he's ever faced an enemy like that. I mean, with the exception of Super Smash Bros. But that's sort of like a...

I don't know if we can even take Super Smash Bros. into account here. That's sort of like a... It's like the best attributes from every encounter we've had with Mario. Yeah. Yeah, it's like... Let's talk about Mario in his own journeys and let's see how much he can fare against a fucking mushroom or a turtle. Like, yeah. No, we'd probably win against Mario. I mean, he's a fucking... What about Yoda from the Lego Star Wars games?

I have never played. So I will defer to you, Ted. Uncultured swine. Wasn't there something special about Yoda? Why did you choose Yoda specifically? Well, I thought I picked him because he's funny looking. So that's the heart of it. That is true. But he would like hobble. But then when you pull his lightsaber out, he was super nimble. Yeah. But he's naked.

What? I don't want to see Yoda naked. Can we not? He is, and you have to think about this right now. I guess it's just a Lego. I guess I don't need to see really Yoda naked. That's unnecessary. It's true. Got it.

can you imagine though if like yoda naked and he's just got a hog definitely does he's just got a massive cock like you didn't even have the length of his body it was already in my head you didn't even have to propose that that's all i've been thinking about for the past 30 seconds i believe that 100 i think that i could probably i could probably stop on that guy i mean he's the size of a lego

He is, and he is, quite literally, a Lego. Yeah, we'd probably win. Because he's in the game. We'd probably win, but as long as... Oh, but I'm also naked, which means if I stomp on him, I'm barefoot stepping on a Lego. Shit. Oh, fuck.

I'd need to get lucky. Redditors hate stepping on Legos. Legos are the most painful thing you could step on. I'm a Redditor, and stepping on Legos, I would rather walk through a mile of burning coals. What's happening here? Is there something specific to Redditors about Legos? No, I just don't think... This is fucking... That's the most Reddit shit...

- So it's specific to me though because my dad has a thing where I was a leg, I used Legos a lot when I was a kid. And my dad has a thing where he had to get a surgery where he's missing, like he doesn't, they had to like get rid of some of his calf. Like he doesn't have one of his calf muscles.

So he'll be walking along the basement to his office when I was a kid. And when he'd step on a Lego with that bad calf leg, he would not be able to lift up his leg. So he would have to push through the walking sequence of stepping on a Lego. He wouldn't just be able to be like, ah, you'd have to walk through it. So there was definitely a larger stake to Legos being stepped on in my house. Right.

Yeah. All right. Seven more. That is a decent point. Yeah. Okay. Samus has come up a lot this podcast, so let's do her. I think that I would probably lose to Samus. I need to get lucky. But she's... Okay. Big question here. She can fight when she's naked, dude. She can do... Zero Suit Samus. Zero Suit Samus can fight. What, are you unhappy about that? Why are you silent? Like, why are you... I'm just thinking. I don't know. I've never played a Metroid game. I've only seen her in Smash. Yeah.

All right, she'd probably win. We'd need to get lucky. I don't think she's going to kill us, but I think we'd need to get lucky. Okay, let's do this fish thing. What is this thing? Sunkissed? I think it's stun...

Stun Kiss or something. I looked up worst Pokemon ever and I saw him and I was like, that looks like something I would... In case that we ended up not having a very winning heavy thing, I wanted a win for us. This thing will die. This is a pathetic looking Pokemon. It is not worth our skin. Is it rare though?

I don't think so. I think it's one of those things you'd find in an ocean zone or something like that. I wanted it dead. If it could fly, that thing could fucking kill a billion lions. But it can't. Dude, just one of them, too. Just one of them. You see one of those videos from TikTok where it's like a million archers versus one Jedi. Have you seen these before? Ultimate Battle Simulator.

Yeah, you just see one of those things flying into a billion lines, just parting the ocean like fucking Moses. Now that's funny. Okay. I see Bowser in there. I see Bowser in this list, and I think we just cut to the chase. We are getting fucked up by Bowser. Yeah. We are getting fucked up by Bowser. We will die. We will die against Bowser.

Now, hold on. Now, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on about Bowser. I got a point to make in reference to Mario 64. Okay. Sure. When Mario grabs Bowser by the tail, spins around and says, so long, gay Bowser. He says that in the game. Yep. Uh-huh. Mario, he must, I just think that Bowser might be really like not very dense. Yeah.

There's not too much that points to Bowser being dense to me. Maybe he stomps around and makes noise, but maybe he's just wearing metal shoes. I think he wears metal shoes to keep him onto the ground or just has metal insoles. So I think I could swing around and throw him into a fucking deep sea mine. And I think, you know, I'd say 50-50. I'd probably take Bowser out. I'll let you have that one. Thank you. I don't think I'm fucking Bowser up. Okay, fine.

Navi, Tucker, is that what you wanted to do? Navi. Navi from Legend of Zelda. It's a little floating firefly fairy thing that gives you health, and it was really, really annoying in one of the games because it would always go, hey! Yeah, the hey thing. That's annoying. They will die. Why are we doing all these characters from Legend of Zelda and not Zelda?

Who is Tingle? Who is Navi? I don't know who these people are. Well, I just explained it to you. It's a fairy, and we're going to crush it in our bones. Who is Tingle? Come on. You're joking. What do you mean? It's Tingle. It's Tingle, dude. Dude, it's Tingle. It's Tingle. Okay. You see him walking around, and he's got a presence. You'd feel his presence if you walked into a room. You'd be like, oh, shit, it's Tingle time. He'd feel your presence, dude. Oh, I'm sure he would.

What is that supposed to... So Navi is a they will die thing. All right, all right. I don't think you can kill like a spirit. That's just me. What? Fuck it up. It's a little blue orb. Fuck them. Fuck them. Okay. But what about the big ass fairy from Breath of the Wild?

What? How many Legend of Zelda references are there? What is this? I think this... I don't know how this happened. Because you were both sending me stuff, and I think Tucker sent me a lot of Zelda stuff because he's played, like, every game. No, I just... I sent you Tingle, and I sent you the big fairy thing. I don't know what the big fairy thing is. I don't know what it is. Are we killing it or not? It's a massive fairy that comes out of a fountain and has sort of...

Maybe not totally appropriate intentions towards Link. I mean, she's looking to fuck him. And he's a minor. He's a minor. And she is already naked. Or close to it. She can make clothing better by kissing Link. She blows him a kiss. And some... I mean, what other stuff she does? I mean, sometimes she just grabs him and pulls him below the water. She's a sight for sore eyes.

She's a massive woman. She's akin to Guinevere from Dark Souls, if you've played that, Shlet. You would remember Guinevere, trust me. Shut the fuck up. What? It comes after the biggest boss battle in the game. Yeah, no, it's a big fairy. She comes out and she kind of like rests her hands on her like this and she's like looking at Gaze, not looking at Gaze. Looking at Gaze? Gazing at Link.

I'd use the same. Yeah. And then a nuclear bomb drops. Yeah, and then a nuclear bomb. Jesus Christ. Are we beating it or not? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what she's capable of. Tucker, I'm going to need help on this one. Maybe it's 50-50. I think you need to get lucky.

Okay, fine. We need to get lucky. All right. The last two. This is the Dart Monkey from Bloons Tower Defense. I think we all know who picked this one. Oh, man. I love Bloons. I love Bloons. The Dart Monkey from Bloons Tower Defense. What a choice. This was Flat's choice to put this in here. So I want to know what...

Well, I want to know. It all depends on how he's upgraded. It all depends on how he's upgraded. That's true. You get the range upgrades. You can become super monkey. He can. Well, hold on. You need to be real high experience. You need a lot of them to be. Oh, no, he could be super monkey fan club. That's the highest. He's fan club. Yeah. So for 60 seconds, if you have a super monkey nearby or maybe it's like five seconds. I don't even know. No, there's no super monkeys nearby. He could be upgraded. Okay. Look.

If it is the dart monkey with the three dart, with the very fast upgrades, I think he would fuck them up. I think he would fuck us up. But if it's the one that shoots very solely the trebuchet with the spiky ball, you're fucking that up. You just get out of the way. That's the wrong path. So if he took the wrong path, really. Yes. So if he was like a Protestant. Here's my opinion. All I need to do is...

is just stay out of his range and start throwing random shit at him. He's not even going to know I'm there. Wow. He's not going to do anything. That is crazy. He would just stand there and be like, what is going on? He would stand there and just get hit. And he wouldn't be able to do a damn thing. What is hitting me from six feet away? I can only see five. Exactly.

That's great. That's hilarious. That's great. No, you would just stand a bit farther away from him than he could see and fuck him up. I'd be walking along a sidewalk and then I'd see a dart monkey next to the sidewalk a little far away and I'd be like,

And I just go on the grass around him and just start throwing shit. Yeah. That's a great point, dude. That's a great point. Yeah, you'd fuck him up. You'd fuck him up easily. Easily. Easily. He will die. Even the one that has long range and has the monkey town, monkey village, upgrading his range. Oh, yeah, the monkey village. Oh, man. Yeah. No, I mean, he really is going to die. Now, the last one that we have, Tucker, is a bit...

I didn't think this would even make the cut, but you put it in. What is that? What do you think? I was vetting it? I was just taking stuff you gave me. Yeah, I thought you were vetting it. What is it? Who is this? It's Seth from Red Dead 1. Can you explain? Can you remind me of who it is? I think when you encounter Seth, he's digging up a grave. He's nasty. He's like skin and bones, like...

Got nothing to lose. He's basically a feral guy who lives out west. From the early 20th century. Yeah. And you got to think those guys were rugged back then. Yeah, I think he's like cannibalistic like the whole nine years. Oh, oh, he's a cannibal. He's going to try to eat us. Yeah, he probably drink. He's probably like drunk as fuck on moonshine, too. True, true. And he might be a little bit blind because of that. Well, he's holding an eyeball.

He's holding an eyeball. Yeah, he's holding an eyeball in this picture that we're using. He's holding an eyeball. Yeah, no, he's holding an eyeball. He's the kind of guy that's comfortable holding an eyeball. He's the kind of guy who kills somebody who likes to play with the parts. Oh, okay. So we'd hope he's kind of drunk, but I still think he'd get the edge. I mean, I feel like it's going to be, I feel like the way it's going to play out is like that one scene from Rick and Morty.

Where the dad is in the car and there's like a crazy homeless guy coming after him. And then he's like asking the wife for help. You know that scene I'm talking about, Tucker?

I don't even know what season it's from. I don't know. I haven't watched Rick and Morty since the fan base got lame. Yeah, I haven't watched it in a while either. But Schleid just walked out because of Rick and Morty cringe, he says. That's the statement he's trying to make right now. I'm hoping that he'll come back in, though, because this is the last thing that we need to rank before the podcast ends.

We will die. Yes, we will die because he's a crazy deviant. He is not like any of the other things on this list. He is really totally. Most of them are like cartoons and stuff, and then we've just got this fucking...

Just an insane man. It's like we could have just taken a photo of like a meth addict and like put it on the picture. That's essentially what he is in the game. And then it's like that's our final... That's to top it all off. We've got like a crazy side character NPC you probably spend less than an hour interacting with in Red Dead Redemption. Yeah, no, but he'll kill us. He will. He will. We will die. But...

You can do whatever you want to birds and raccoons and small animals. You can kill European starlings. You can do whatever you want. You will not get in trouble for it. No one's going to be like, why are you experimenting on a raccoon? Yeah, why are you grabbing a European starling and putting his face up against a fucking industrial sander? Why are you doing that? I'm just saying, no one is going to stop you from going out, trapping a bird, and then taking it. You could just take birds. You know that, Ted? You could take birds. Yeah, I mean...

You can also, you know, laws are not like we made them up. Laws are all made up. Yeah. Literally. So, I mean, you could apply that to a lot. I mean, you could. I'm just saying there's no there's no literature about that. So you don't even have to break a law. You could just go and do it now. Yeah. I mean, there's no literature about a lot of things that I mean, you could you could build your own house on space for free and the moon, build a house on the moon for free. You could do that.

It'd be expensive. You just have to get there. There's a bird probably 10 feet away from you right now. Just go out and get it and do whatever you want to it. You'd have to catch it, though. Tucker, in total, you've been running this tier list. I want to end this off. I want your final opinion on do you think we did a good job? Are we realistic with our

Well, I think Schlatt was getting nervous and using the naked thing as a cop-out because he didn't want to seem like a pussy, thinking that Toadette would fuck him up. So he just told... What? Oh, I think... What are you talking about? You think Toadette is the one that's going to fuck me up? Yeah. Why? I don't know. What does Toadette bring to the table? She doesn't have a soul, so nothing to lose. I'll swing her around with her fucking pigtails. I'll grab her. She doesn't have a soul!

A grabber would fire pigtails and swing her around like a nunchuck. Specifically Toadette. Yeah, she got black eyes. Dude, okay. She doesn't have a soul. It's like all the Nintendo characters, man. Yeah, they are all soulless. Ness, too. Ness is fucking you up big time. No, he's not! No, he's not! These are the silliest ones. I would accept an argument about Sonic, maybe, but Ness and Toadette? You think I'm losing to those twerps? Dude, oh my god. Yeah.

That's a funny thing. There'd be a fucking crime scene. You'd find pieces of them in fucking Lubbock. We'd find pieces of you and Toadette would be eating them. No, no, no. Lubbock in the UK? Why Lubbock? Lubbock. Lubbock in Texas. Lubbock. Nuclear. All right. Nuclear. Nuclear bomb. If you made it to the...

If you made it to the end of this podcast, let us know what you thought of our tier list ranking. Cerulean. Cerulean nuclear. Nuclear. And...

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Yes. All right. Yeah. Bye, guys. Sorry. See ya.