We Ranked Every State in the USA... Bad Idea.
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- Today's the day, Schlatt. Today's the day that we are going to be answering the question that people around the nation have been wondering for the longest time, and that is, what is the best state? What's the number-- - Texas, baby, Texas. - No, we're not gonna-- - Texas. - Everything's bigger in, everything's better in Texas. The food is better, the women are better.

I think that's it actually. And you know what? No smog. Not a single day has passed when I've been like, oh, there's smog here. I can't breathe. I feel like I can't breathe. I don't even know if you know what smog is.

Do you know what smog is? No. Have I forgotten about the Alamo? Hell no. What happened at the Alamo? I genuinely could not tell you. Since I knew that this was going to happen, and I knew that you were going to have this strong of an opinion of both California and Texas, we are going to wait until last to rate both Texas and California in this United States states tier list. Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich.

You know how I always come on this podcast and say something that makes me angry or whatever I'm going through recently? Yeah. Or something about my situation that you don't approve of. Yeah, that just upsets me. You want to know something really funny that I think you'll get a kick out of? Okay. You know how I was going through that whole Texas blizzard and snowstorm and the freeze that happened last week? Yeah, yeah, I remember that. I was walking through my house two days ago.

Trying to get a can of soda. Okay. Wait, hold on. What type of soda? Dr. Pepper Zero. Okay. Fine. Approved. Continue. I had a huge day in front of me. I was going to go out. I was going to go do some fun stuff with some buddies. Have a great time. Things that would require me to walk around and drive and go places, you know? Yeah.

I walked into the support beam of my couch and my foot shattered. Oh, no. My foot is absolutely shattered. Did you go to the hospital or something? Did you go to the doctor? No. Nope. No.

What is it? Is it just like mangled? It just looks like it got in a car crash. Well, I'd show you, but I don't want to end up on that Wikipedia for men's feet. Yeah, you don't want to end up on WikiFeed. Yeah, but I will tell you, I'm looking at it right now. It is, the entire thing is bruised. I have at least one broken toe. At least one toe is completely busted. I've been icing it, elevating it, and I can barely walk. And that's been my life for the past three days. Your toe looks like it talked back to dad.

Wow, that was dark. Kind of like what my foot looks like right now. Yeah. Bloodied and battered and mangled and bruised. But yeah, that's what I'm going through right now. A broken fucking toe. Damn, I'm sorry to hear that. And you're also...

The freeze is over now? Is the Texas freeze over? Is that over? Yeah, the freeze is over. We sustained loads of property damage. Trees were falling over left, right, and center. Dude, that's awesome. Yeah, it wasn't too fun. But hey, we didn't lose power this time. No one died. You want to hear something great? It actually doesn't snow in California.

Really? Nothing. It's just it's like pretty much the same season all year round. It's like it goes in between like, oh, hey, you're in summer. And now, oh, it's a little bit chilly out. Maybe I put a jacket on. That's the two. Wear jacket or summer. So here's my opinion on that. I think that's boring. And what we do in Texas is actually really fun where.

360 out of the 365 days in a year it is sweltering hot and completely uncomfortable and unlivable outside and the next five the entire state shuts down because it goes below freezing yeah i've been up dude i was in when i was in texas for your first stream back i was walking around and i was like why does it feel like fucking florida outside and

Just like it was... You'd drink the air is how humid it was. And I think what's hilarious is that you've also complained about Texas in the sense of like, I live in a fucking desert. I fucking hate living in this desert. But then you don't get the one...

like the one advantage of living in a desert, which is not having to deal with cold weather. You still just get a sliver of that every year. - Yeah, I always get a taste. I'll say this, every year in the three years I've been here, we have had a once in a lifetime winter event. - Yeah.

Are the houses even cheap anymore? No, no. And they're not built for cold weather. So the pipes burst and you have lots of damage. That's so cool. Like we had last time. And it's a whole lot of fun living here. So why are you living there? Why do you live there? Why do you do this to yourself? It's almost a masochistic endeavor at this point. Dude, I'd live in New York if anyone fucking did it. But no one does.

It's true. No one does. That's one area that I think I could possibly agree with you on because I do love New York City. And like, I wish I had... I didn't say that. I didn't say New York City. Chambo, did I say New York City? I would... My God. I'd love to live in New York City. When I... In the... I lived there for a small period in college. I've told you about this. And...

you know the walk i think i just really like the walkability like go walk in somewhere like oh i gotta go to an area and you go down you walk in through the streets and you feel like you're part of something bigger and like you i don't know maybe it's because i'm not you know from the area but like whenever i was walking anywhere in new york in that short period of time i lived there i was like felt like i was on a mission i had main character syndrome just taking the subway yeah so

So it's it's very nice to visit there for a little bit and act like you are the main character. But then you get stabbed or like pushed into the subway tracks. And then all of a sudden you don't really like New York City anymore. Yeah. How many times does it have to happen for how many times you got to get pushed in the subway tracks for you to be like, oh, maybe this isn't this isn't what I want. Most people only get pushed in once.

Right, because it's their first and last time because they get hit by the train. Yeah, they get hit by the subway. Yeah. I wouldn't let that happen to me. I would stop the train. You would, with your fat fucking head. What the fuck? Hey, let's write some states, baby. Okay, yeah. So we got Tucker's back, by the way. He's here, as usual. Just to clarify for all you assholes out there...

And you guys are hating on Tucker right now, Tucker haters. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Seriously, genuinely. Fuck you. Because he's done a lot of work for us today. He's put it in the he's put in the work. He's put in the hours to take what is his. And he's put together a beautiful looking tier list of all of the states of the United States of America. We're going to sell this once and for all. We are the obviously the.

Let's put it this way, Ted. Who else would be able to give you such an accurate ranking of all of the states in the United States besides two Northeasterners? That's true. You're right. You're right. And because we know that we're the smartest...

We've got all of the colleges. I mean, California's got some, I guess. We got MIT. We got Harvard. Schlatt, you're a graduate. You would know that. Carnegie Mellon. Yeah. Sounds like a fucking... The fuck names their college? Mellon, bro. Sounds like the fucking scientific name for a melon. Yeah. Carnegie Mellon. Carnegie Mellon.

We got... What else do we have? Yale? Probably. I don't even know where the fuck Yale is. We got Tufts. Tufts. We got Drexel. Drexel University? Why are you bringing up Drexel University? We got Drexel, baby. We got Drexel. Yeah, we got UMass Amherst. We got UMass Amherst. We got...

Fuck yeah, dude. We got Ithaca College. We've got Ithaca College. We've got Stony Brook. We've got Albany Community College. We've got, yeah, and that's it actually. That's the only colleges that exist. We do have the best ones over there. We've got the best people because I think the East Coast genuinely does have the better concentration of people and drivers. The better concentration? Yeah.

Yeah, everyone's very kind over here. You'll never get a dirty look from anybody in the Northeast. You wouldn't. You wouldn't. Especially if you've never been to the Northeast, you should go there. And it's interesting. If you're not from the Northeast, it's going to be a bit of a cultural shock because similar to how they do in France, I believe it's called Umbise.

when you kiss someone on each cheek. So next time you, if you're greeting anyone, really, if it's someone like a, I don't know, a fucking barista at Starbucks and you're like, oh, hello. You say hello. They'll say hello in Starbucks and you're like, oh my God, thank you so much. And then you'll be like, I'd like a,

I like the pink drink. And they don't talk to you unless you do that, usually. Yeah, they won't. They won't. And if they are talking to you, most of that, that's just the introduction. And they are, and if you don't, they'll act nice, but you will be shunned if you don't actually follow through with it. So, you know, I can't stress this enough. Next time you're in Massachusetts, New York, fucking New Jersey, Connecticut,

Rhode Island, New Hampshire, Maine, Vermont. Anytime you're greeting anyone, you need to kiss them on both cheeks.

Any state that was a colony. That's just the tradition. Yeah, any state that was a colony. Yeah, so honestly, even more so in Florida, in Georgia, in North Carolina, in South Carolina, and especially Virginia and Pennsylvania. Yeah, and West Virginia. In Pennsylvania, especially where the coal miners are, that is where they are going to be expecting a kiss the most. Trust me, they need it. They need the kiss.

Everyone who clicked on this video is like, start fucking ranking them, please. Jesus Christ. Pennsylvania is most known for coal miners that love kisses on two cheeks. And especially when they're leaving, this is a cultural specific area. It's kind of like a dialect. When you leave, you give them a big smooch on the lips. Full on. You do. You do. With tongue and everything. And actually, one more thing.

- It's called the coal miner. - It is. - It's called miner for gold. - And why, you might be wondering if you're not from the Northeast, why are you guys waffling on and on about this nonsense and not getting to the point and doing what I actually am here for? - Right. - And not being efficient with your time, you know? And it's actually because in the Northeast especially, we love people who-- - Wasting time. - We love people who do everything slowly. - Mm-hmm, yeah.

Which is why you go into a Starbucks. It's almost offensive if you're getting coffee and they work at a reasonable pace. We'll get upset. Yeah, I definitely noticed this when I lived in New York City. I think that one of the biggest things about New York City that New Yorkers expect of you is that they want you to enjoy the city. So when you're in an area like Times Square or near the Statue of Liberty...

um just walk around aimlessly yeah walk around aimlessly stroll maybe if you're walking like on a sidewalk or something people love to see inspiration so like if you ever see something that you want to take a picture of just stop in your tracks and turn and just take a photo and you know people will go around you they they understand and they're not they're not trying to get anywhere most people aren't really doing anything or have anything going on in their lives besides you so yeah i mean that's just sort of

There's a lot of interesting things about the Northeast, so if you ever go in there. And if anybody in Times Square, especially, hands you something, it is customary to take it, say thank you, and walk away. You say thank you, and if the...

if the people that are dressed in they sort of look like characters but they might look a little bit off those are the official branded trademark characters they work for the companies that they're made by yeah and if they take a photo with you and they ask for money it's like the big inside joke in new york city like they ask for money oh yeah you know like good one man and you and it's part of the joke is like you run away

Also, if a guy's handing you a CD and he's like, "This is my new mixtape," you take it and it's... So this is... And this is a hard one to understand. If they hand you the mixtape, you look them in the eyes and you say,

Fuck your dreams and you snap it in half because it's sort of like a cultural thing in New York City where it's like, oh, we're all trying to work to the top. Let's try to let's try to keep it all each other. Let's keep each other humble. Right. You know. Right. So with that being said. And Tucker, by the way, that's all the tracks. Right. Do you think that was. Yeah, that was true. Yeah.

Yeah, okay. Just making sure. I can vouch. Thank you. Yeah. All right. With that being said, Tucker, take us away, baby. Okay, why don't you guys start with the great state of Idaho? Idaho. Wow. Yeah. Idaho. Wow. Yeah, I mean, dude, great...

Great people in Idaho. I've been there. I'm there every weekend. What? The first thing that came to my mind is that dude that fucking went to prison for like running over several people in that fucking runaway truck situation. That's the first thing that came to my mind. I thought of potatoes. Really? I didn't think of vehicular manslaughter. I don't know. That's more of like a Northeastern thing. You heard about this, Tucker? I know there was some kind of like serial killer on the loose or something up in Idaho recently.

It could have been the same thing. It could have been like a serial killer driving a truck and he was just doing it by running people and being like, whoops, my brakes failed. I feel like there's a lot of serial killers around, you know? I don't feel like that's a problem. Oh, you're talking about this college serial killer, aren't you? Yeah. That was horrifying. Okay. Idaho, you're losing points right away with that. We've, Tucker and I, we've driven through Idaho, right? Yep. Yep.

Yeah. Very hilly. Montana. Yeah. We drove through the little sliver in it and that's really mountainous and they have like a fucking runaway truck thing every like half mile every time you're going downhill because it's the slopes are steep. I'll also say this, Ted. I started Googling what is Idaho known for and it auto completed to besides potatoes.

Is that really what it's... Idaho potatoes? Is that like a... Yes. That's where they grow them. All of them. All the potatoes. Yeah. That's where they make them. Yeah. And I love potatoes. After Ireland failed. Potatoes are... Yeah. Potatoes are versatile. Idaho stepped up to play.

to play. You can do crinkle cut, you can do waffle fries, you can do regular fries, you can do curly fries, you can do baked potato, you can do sweet potato, you can do regular potato. There's loads of options. They're very filling in their natural form, and just for that reason, I'm putting it at least a B. Okay. I'll agree with that. I will want to mention that we are exclusively rating Idaho on the quality of a starch that potato is. Yeah.

But there is also a sliver of land in Idaho in the National Park where it's legal to murder someone. What?

You gotta expand. Because of certain jurisdictions. Yeah. In that little stem. There's a national park. My life could have been so much easier if I had known this. See, and that's the thing. That's why you hear about serial killers up there. Because they get away with it up there. What, do they just do that thing from the Simpsons episode where they step over the line?

Like when they're at four corners? They do. They take you there and then that's it. Huh. Okay. Yeah. Seems like a big loophole in the criminal justice system. I don't... All right. Cool. Okay. Maybe A for that. We'll give it a B. All right. Okay. I bet you guys move on to Ohio. Okay.

podcast in Ohio. laughter

Fuck this stupid-ass state. Why do so many people live here? What is in Ohio? Who the fuck ever cares about this stupid-ass state? Even the fucking joke about it is terrible. My one memory in Ohio was when Tucker and I stayed at an Airbnb. Yeah, yeah, you knew where I was going with this. We stayed at an Airbnb in Toledo, Ohio, and it was a really strange Airbnb. It was...

We were camping a lot, but we found an Airbnb in Toledo, Ohio that was like, you can camp out in my backyard. And we were like, okay, we're going to do this. It must have been like $20, $30 max. And there was multiple spaces, so we go there and we meet this other dude who's camping out. I think Tucker and I, we made a fire, I think, and he came over and hung out with us. His name was Moon, and he was from Chicago, and he was biking from Chicago all the way to New York City.

Yeah, he was a cool guy. Yeah. Do you remember anything else from that, Tucker, or was that? No, that's it. That's all I remember about Moon. But other than that. Other than that. Other than that, like, especially because of the meme of people being like something, something, only in Ohio, shit like that. Ohio used to be funny. It used to be funny. And then Ohio went mainstream.

People started making the Ohio jokes like they get it. No. Okay? Ohio is a C-tier state, if not lower. I'd put it at D. Really? What about Scott DeLauro? Oh, shit. He was a good guest. He was. Does that bring it up? Is he really from Ohio? He's in Ohio now. He didn't even move away. Average YouTuber in Ohio.

See, I don't know. Fuck. I don't want to talk about this anymore. I don't want to hear about this state anymore. Now you feel bad. All right. All right. Hit up Mississippi. I get this confused. Mississippi is like one of a couple states in the southeast where I can't tell what it actually looks like. I get it confused with Alabama and whatever's to the right of it. Highest rate of obesity in the United States. Oh, okay.

That's not a good statistic, and I'm sure we could find a lot more that are equally as bad. Yeah, I think they also have some issues with their education as well. Mississippi is not a good state. I can't think of a good thing about Mississippi right now. Tucker, is there something good about Mississippi that could save it from this fate, or is it like, are we just going to...

Sorry to people who live in Mississippi, but I'm sure that you fucking hated in Mississippi too. I don't know what's going on in Mississippi. Mississippi is where you drive when you're doing a drive from New Orleans. Did we pass through Mississippi when we went from New Orleans to Nashville? I think I really have only... It's a pass-through state. Oh my God. Put it at F and let's move on to the next state. It's been 20 minutes and 25 minutes and we're on the third state. Okay. We're working through this.

speeding up gentlemen connecticut is the worst state in the northeast state in the tri-state area i'm gonna have a story for every single one though that's the problem connecticut is the crappiest state in the tri-state area i've got something to say about connecticut i've got something to say and i'm gonna say it right now okay say it say it people always talk about frank pepe's

They're like, oh, you got to go to Frank Pepe's Pizzeria in fucking New Haven. People are saying this. Don't try to tell me people aren't saying this. No one's ever said that. Connecticut is the

Connecticut is the crappiest state in the tri-state area. Dr. Doofenshmirtz should have blown that shit up. Every single city runs along a single road. There's one road in Connecticut that goes northeast. Every city is just on that line and they spread out horizontally and not vertically. Fuck that stupid ass thing. It's I-84 and it's a hell. My...

My gripe with Connecticut is everybody's talking about how, oh, Frank Pepe's the best pizza. Oh, my God. Can you let me finish my fucking thought? Jambo, do you know what the fuck Frank Pepe's Pizzeria is?

Of course he doesn't. He's a goddamn cat. He can't even eat pizza. He'd probably choke and die. He eats magnets. That's his food. Okay. So Frank Pepe's, they think it's the best thing in the world. Moses, and you know Moses, was like, Ted, we're going to go to Frank Pepe's and get their clam pie. And I was like, clam pie? It's a white pizza with clams in it. And I was like,

Okay, well, if they're famous for it, surely this should be, must be remarkable. I'm not necessarily a big fan of clams, but okay. We go there, we get a full fucking clam pizza. We sit there, we have like two bites and we are like, this fucking sucks ass. F, what was the buildup for that? I was already putting it at F. Are we going to spend 20 minutes talking about each state? God, dude.

I'm fucking with you. I'm fucking with you. You bastard. You got me. You got me. You got me. Oh, man. Oh, man. You got me. I got you. You know what I think that was? I think you actually thought that you hurt my feelings. No. I think that was a tactical backpedal. I wouldn't. Because you did. I was about to cry. I was about to burst into tears. Okay. Yeah. Because I thought my clam pie story was good.

The glampine wasn't good. Ted, I really hope, and I love you, but I really hope you don't have a story for each state. Because, oh my God. I might. Jesus Christ. I might. I'll try to shorten them, but I might. I've been to a lot of states, Slap. I've been to a fuck ton of states. Multiple times. And I haven't. So we'll have a little yin and yang. I could be the devil on your shoulder. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. All right, Tucker, what else we got?

Are you okay with the F-tier rating? Oh, yeah. Okay. Colorado. Sorry, Will Fowler. He's from Connecticut. That's my buddy. Let's do Connecticut. We just did Connecticut. We just rated Connecticut. Oh, I'm looking at Colorado, and I'm thinking it's... Yeah, let's do Colorado. Honestly, Colorado, good vibes. I got good vibes from Colorado. Wouldn't necessarily live there for very long. I've been through there a couple times. Good skin, Red Rock...

has a good theater thing. The Red Rock amphitheater thing looks really cool. Laziest people in the entire country. The weed's already making them real lazy. And second of all, they decided the state would be in the shape of a square. Honestly, they kept it simple. Get a little fucking creative with it. Dude, like...

Yeah, make it look weird. That's what we do over in the Northeast. Why not? We like drawing weird lines and shit. We're bordering our houses by piling rocks onto each other, okay? That's how we separate houses in the Northeast. Yeah, man. That's fucking awesome. You draw a square and call it a day? I do have one thing, though, I have to say. What? For me, Colorado is a special place in my heart because that was the first place that I had weed purchased for me.

And the funny, and I, me and my buddy Ross, who went on the original Rainforest Cafe little trip with me, the video I did, we found the funniest name for a weed strain that we'd ever found. Okay. It was called Cheezle. Cheezle? Yeah. Like? Like the words cheese and diesel combined. And we, I get this weed and I look at it and it says, this weed is called Cheezle. What?

And for the rest of the road trip we were on, we would be driving, and then I would look over to him, and I'd be like, hey, cheesel. It's the dumbest fucking word. Because they are such unappealing words when you really put the gumption into it, and then combining them, you're like...

Charlie would really love that word, but it's a shame what happened to him. Yeah, it is a shame what happened to him. Look, I don't like the square, but the chisel story's fun. I think we should put it at a B. There we go. B, B, B. Next state. Michigan. No. Dude, I got my Michigan hoodie.

At a thrift store. And everyone always asks, are you from Michigan? No. No. The fuck? No. And how dare you insinuate that? Which is what you're... I got this for $5. The fucking collar is ripped like 10 inches down. Yeah, sorry, Michigan. What do you got, a lake? Okay. So does fucking everywhere else around that lake. Every state.

Yeah, that's true. That's a good point. Every state does have a lake. It's a lake, man. All right? So stop acting like you're the only state with a lake. Yeah. Bad people. Bad people up there. Yeah. F. F. All right. Okay. What do you think about Georgia?

Connor Eats Pants is from Georgia. We like Connor. We do like Connor. He's our little peach boy. They do have a good incentive program for filming things there. Atlanta, very good tax credits and the location prices are really cheap. It's way better than LA. This is a little fun fact about filming shit. It is less expensive to fly the entire crew to Atlanta and shoot there.

than it is to shoot in LA. Wild. Wild. You don't care. Okay, so Georgia, it isn't me. It isn't me. See? See? I get upset when I see that fucking peach come on at the start of every show. They make you put that on there for filming there, and that pisses me off. For the tax incentives, yeah. Yeah, you got to put an ad for the state at the beginning. Oh, honestly, you know what?

I never, I knew that, but I also, now I know specifically exactly what visual you're talking about. And I, for some reason, always thought that was just a production company, but that's just the state. That's an ad for the state. Oh, that's funny. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fine. See. See. This one might be a touchy subject. Let's talk about Vermont. Ooh. You know, they got that Bernie guy running things up there. Vermont is a harmless state.

It's harmless. A lot of guns there, though, when you think about it. They could do some harm if they wanted to. They could. And there's a lot of wood, a lot of lumber. They don't live in cities. I don't think there's a single city in Vermont. They're all like they live in holes and caves. Vermont is a six-wood spot in Caton.

That's how much wood there is there. It's terrifying. Yeah, that was good. Green mountains. You could never take over that state. You couldn't. There's no way.

They might be the stronghold of America if we get invaded and the Chinese send more of those fucking balloons. I think that we could probably amass a very large guerrilla insurgency in the woods of Vermont. And for that reason, Vermont is getting an A for protecting our country. I would give it an A. I would give it an A too. I would. What about Alabama?

What do we know about Alabama? I don't know if I know much about Alabama. I don't know. It's right next to Mississippi. Like, I get those three. I get those three screwed up with, you know, on the map where you have to, like, guess all the states. I'll tell you one thing. Isn't Alabama where the machine lives?

Bama. The red wave something? Roll Tide? Is that Alabama? There's two of them. There's Auburn and Alabama. They're both in Alabama, I think. And they both say Roll Tide? One's Roll Tide and the other is...

Some other dumb shit. I'm 90% sure that Alabama has this really weird situation called the machine where it's like if you went to Alabama, then you've got an in. Or in the Greek life and stuff, if you were in a sorority or fraternity at Alabama, you have an in in politics and fucking other stuff in the state. The state is...

run by this concept of a thing called the machine. It's really weird. Yeah, there's a wiki page on it. Yeah, Tucker, you want to read what the information that gives? The machine is the former Alpha Rho chapter of Theta Nu Epsilon at University of Alabama. What the fuck are you saying?

Can we give the state a D and then call it- I'm telling you a bunch of frat boys and sorority girls are running- Alpha Epsilon Theta? What is this? Aldous Huxley's Brave New World? Put it in. What are we going to take some Soma and scream orgy porgy and fuck each other next? You'd have to go to college to get it. Put a D and go to the next state. Jesus Christ. Montana.

Great state. Good state. Beautiful state. Awesome state. I've tried to go there three years in a row, but had to cancel every time. First, because of COVID. Second, because of scheduling issues. And third, because my grandma kicked the bucket. So I would love to go there one day. Glacier National Park seems like a great time. I'd love to go on Going to the Sun Road, although they set up a paywall at it now, which takes it down a peg. Yeah, it's not free anymore. Since when? Since recently. Since recently.

Oh, that's annoying. Since my grandma kicked the bucket. Tucker and I have been on going to the Sun Road, and my dad and I have been on going to the Sun Road. It's a very, very good drive. You know, I haven't been long enough to go more, do really more than that, but I'd like to go for longer, but I do love, I like Montana. One thing about Montana is you're never over in the east of Montana. No. Eastern Montana is exactly like

It's almost identical to North Dakota. Great Plains region. Yeah. It's just all fucking flat shit, and you wouldn't expect that, but it's all flat on eastern Montana. But that doesn't take away from it, okay? Yeah. That's just like the crust. It's like the crust of the pizza, you know? And, like, who's doing shit? Like, Montana's a good state. I'd give it A. I'd even say S. The first S tier? Yeah.

I don't... Listen. Listen. Are you going to pull down to an A? I've never been there. I would like to go. My plans keep getting foiled. Okay. So once I go... And that's the state's fault. Yes. And once I go...

Then we can revise it in a future episode. We'll come back. We'll do a little bit of revision, revisionary stuff. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, that's fair. I love revisionary periods. History. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm glad. Next one. Let's do Arizona. Oh. Tackle the Southwest. Okay. So, you know.

Granted, they have the Grand Canyon. Granted. But what's in Flagstaff? What's going on in Flagstaff? Nothing. You just happened to be there when they made... When that canyon... It was like, okay, this is part of Arizona now. Okay? Okay?

You got high desert, low desert. Great. Some water ran through it for a couple billion years. Yeah. The fuck cares? First thing that came to my mind was all that shit was going on in Maricopa County. I don't even know where that is. I don't know what that is either. And let me tell you, I've been to the Grand Canyon. I was six years old.

Was not impressed. One bit. You probably didn't even understand what you were looking at. Did not care for the Grand Canyon. You were probably too short to see over the edge. You probably were just like looking at the horizon. You were like, what? No, don't say that. You probably just couldn't even see. I could see. I could see. I don't know.

You were like, ooh, what's in there? Couldn't see. You were like, that was stupid. No, stop that. I could see. I was not impressed. I had a Motorola Razr on that trip, the flip phone. Thank you for that demonstration. And I lost it at that trip. I lost the fucking Motorola Razr flip phone at the Grand Canyon. So fuck Arizona. Fuck that trip.

I hate it. I hate it. I don't want to talk about it. E. It's really hot down and dry. I'll just let him do that. Hot and dry. Hot and dry. I'll let it happen. You know about, you know those assholes that talk about like dry heat? Oh, it's a dry heat. You won't sweat.

fuck you. Fuck this prick. Anyone who's ever talked about dry heat before can suck a fat chode. I think it's just because you want the dry heat. You miss the concept of dry heat. Or you want it in your life. Don't you want a little bit of dry heat? I love it here. I love Austin. Yeah, clearly. I'm so convinced of that. Talk about New Jersey. Let's save that one. Okay. We'll table that. North Carolina. Mr. Beastland. True.

True. I think he runs the entire state. He very well could run the entire state. He definitely runs the town. I've heard that every single person in town knows him, and they worship him like a golden god. I would too. Yeah. I would worship... Never mind. No, no. No. What were you going to say? No, no. Don't say that. You would worship... What would you worship? Be for Beast. Yeah? Jimmy Donaldson. Okay. Let's move on to Oregon. Portland. Portland.

Portland. That's the only thing I know about that place. Cannon Beach? It's just a beach. It's a cool looking beach with big rocks coming out of the water. Really? We have beaches everywhere.

- Meet Crater Lake State Park. - Every state has a lake. - Crater Lake State Park. - We were already over this. Already over this. - They got some good visuals, that's all I'm saying. They got some good visuals. Now I'm not claiming anything about Portland. I'm not claiming it's the best place in the world, okay?

I don't think anyone would. Where do you want to put Portland? Not Portland. Let's rate Portland. No, I'm just kidding. I don't know. I don't really have any strong opinions about Oregon. It's kind of like a bit of a pass-through state for me. D. Okay. D. Fine. Sorry, guys. Sorry. Sorry. How about Maryland? Maryland.

Maryland. Okay. It's right next to Washington, D.C. Washington, D.C. is basically in it. It's the most oddly shaped state. You're right. It doesn't make any sense. We won some battles there. Yeah, we did. We won some battles there. Tucker, can you list some battles we won there? The Battle of Antietam. Battle of South... I don't know that one. Harper's Ferry. Williamsport. Never heard of it.

Baltimore. Come on. You don't know any of these? The Mason-Dixon line is right there. Excuse me? The Mason-Dixon line. It's the line where every state below it was Confederate and every state above it was Union. Oh, okay. Did you just say dicks? Kind of, yeah. They were dicks down there. It's D-I-X, though. Confederates were dicks. C. C. Yeah. Okay, what about Wisconsin?

Now, what about Wisconsin? What about it? Hold on. What are you doing now? Wisconsin? What do you mean? They got the cheese. They got Humber's cheese in Tomah, Wisconsin. Tomah? And Tucker and I.

We're in Tomah, Wisconsin. There we fucking go. And we met a very nice lady at an Airbnb. Her name was Natalie Tucker. Do you remember Natalie? Yeah. Yeah, I know that. I can picture the Polaroid of you with her too. Yeah. And she was very, very sweet. And they had cheese there and the cheese was good. I've heard they've got this thing called the Wisconsin Dells, which is like a water park. Other than that, I don't really know. Milwaukee. Let's put it this way.

Wisconsin has cheese, but Colorado has cheesel. Okay. So, yeah. So it can't be B or higher. Okay. It would have to be C. I would rate it below whatever cheesel is at. It's going to a C. So it's a C. Okay. That's the cheesel scale. Okay. That's what this is turning into. Cheesel. Oh, my God. And you want to hear something crazy? What? I was back in...

Colorado when I was doing the Rainforest Cafe road trip with Eddie and we got a joint of cheese. You got chisel? Because we were back in Colorado and my friend Grace was also happened to be in Colorado at the time so we went and we got dinner and then we were going around and we were like oh we'll stop at a dispensary we'll get some weed. So I choose the closest dispensary

On Google Maps. We go there and we're rolling up and I'm like looking around and I'm like, I feel like I've been here before.

And I walk up and I look at the dispensary and I'm like, holy fucking shit. This is the same dispensary that I got the original Cheezle at. And they still had it? Yeah. So I walked in there and I got just like a, I don't think they had actual like flour or whatever. They had like, but they had a joint. So I got a joint of Cheezle. I got like two of them. And I was like, this is history.

Cheezle. Oh my God. I have multiple Cheezle stories from different states. That's crazy. It's like a spot now that you have to go to every time you're going through Colorado. It's like a pit stop. You stop there, you get some Cheezle. It's like on R535 to Planet K where I stop in and jerk the...

I gotta stop. I really gotta stop. You do. I'm giving away a lot about myself. You are. I really should not be giving away. Yeah, it's like you're stopping somewhere to jerk. You would worship Mr. Beast. Let's go to the next state. Let's talk about New Hampshire. This is next to Vermont, and I think Vermont is the better one. So whatever we put Vermont at, let's subtract three and put it there. What? You want this to be a D?

Yes. Are you sure about that? Dude, they got bike week though. What? They got bike week. They got bikes in every state. No, you don't understand what bike week is. Tucker, take it away. Bike week? I've never heard of this in my life and I've been to New Hampshire. Are you fucking stupid? Are you stupid? No one's heard of bike week.

Nobody cool goes to prom, Brian D. Put it at D, and let's go to the next state. We've ranked not even 15 states, and we're almost an hour in. Ted, if you look up bike week, Florida is the first thing that's going to come up. Next one. Next one. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Next one. We got to speed rank some of these, man. We're running out of time. Florida, F. A, S, S, F.

Florida is an S tier state. No way you can put fucking Florida at S. What are you doing? Yes, it is. Why? Florida's the fucking best, dude. Why? Fit MC lives there. It's not about who lives there. It's about the state itself. Fit MC lives there. They got fucking alligators. They got fucking swamps. That's cool. That's cool. They got fucking... They got Halloween Horror Nights.

They got Disney World. They got Disney World. They got Miami. Capital of cocaine? S. Marco Island. Okay, you got to split it in the middle. No, Schlatt's winning, though. What? What do you mean? I'm not going to split it down the middle if Schlatt's winning the argument. Florida's getting beat here because I won that argument. Okay.

Fucking DeSantis. He's a piece of shit. Fit MC lives there. Fit MC lives there, bro. All right. I'm developing shit. Ready? Ready? Ready for this? Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Processing, processing. Old people go there to die. Fucking God's waiting room. It's a fucking wrinkle fest over there. They got bike week. You're more likely. You're likely to. Oh, OK. Fucking. Ready for this, Tucker? Ready for this? Ready for this? Jeremy DeWitt. Yeah.

What the fuck is that? Pull it down. No, that's not a good thing. Jeremy DeWitt lives there. Pull it down. Stop! Stop putting it up! Fuck you, man! God bless Florida! I love the people of Florida. You should have cut your losses at sea.

Or at B, but you kept going. Why are we allowing Florida to be the first S tier thing? This doesn't make any sense. What's up, Fit Fam? What's up, Fit Fam? Stay safe out there. He doesn't call them that. Yes, he does. He calls them Fit Fam? He used to. Delaware. Tax evasion is the first thing that comes into my head.

Joe Biden, wake up. At least at B, maybe even A. We love a good Delaware corporation in this podcast. Okay. Iowa. I'm steaming over this Florida rating. I'm still pissed. Seethe, man. Go Seethe. Go Seethe a little bit. Iowa. Iowa? I don't know. They got Hawkeye. Who cares? Fly over state. Drive through state. There's fucking nothing there. Eh.

Yeah, sorry. Bye. South Carolina. South Carolina? I don't know. Some would call it the better Carolina. Agreed. Is that where Asheville is? They got Myrtle Beach, which is such a great area with great people. They got Parris Island. Yeah. I've been there, yeah. They have Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville, which is a community for seniors. A. How does this happen? Utah. Utah.

Utah. Interesting. They got Mormons. You got Mormons. Uh-oh. Not much else. Not much else. You got Mormons. You got... Yeah, Mormons are really... That's not good. But you've got Arches National Park in Moab. And also, you've got this weird guy at a gas station that whenever you're stopping there, he goes up and he goes, Is anybody going to Green River?

Tucker, do you not remember this? I don't. Why would I remember this? We've never been to Utah together. Because when we were... The first time I ever went to Utah, I went to St. George with Tippetts, which is in the southwestern corner, to buy a gun. I've been on too many road trips. Yeah. There was a weird guy. I went to a gas station in Moab, Utah, and there was a guy there. And he walked up to us and he said, Is anybody going to Green River? Were you? No.

Yeah, we were passing through Green River. I wasn't going to Green River, though. I wasn't going to Green River. We weren't making any pit stops there. Also, you've seen the size of the extra cab in my truck, and I already had someone else with me, so he wasn't coming with us to Green River. No, and even if you tried, you would have fallen through the basketball football-sized hole in the bottom of it. Anyways, next statement. Oklahoma.

Okay, so what about Kansas, though? Here's my thought on Kansas. And this is a two-fold issue, and it involves another state. You're called Kansas, and yet you let...

Missouri take Kansas City? Yeah. What kind of beta shit is that? You need to start listening to Andrew Tate and take back that fucking city. Is it Missouri that has it or is it... It's Missouri. Yeah. You guys need to fucking man up and annex wherever the fuck that is because that is yours. You gotta raise the militia, the state militia from Kansas.

And you got to do something about this. And you got to fucking tear down that goddamn arch. Tear down the arch. That's miserable. Miserable place. Tear down the St. Louis arch. Sorry, Sneeg. I'm going to assume that Missouri is then getting a D. Sure. Yeah. Wait, Kansas? Kansas got an E. Missouri has Kansas City, so it's a D.

Slightly higher. Yeah, it's slightly better because it took something from them. Weirdly enough, Kansas City apparently has a barbecue style. There's like a barbecue variety. Kansas City barbecue. I haven't heard of it. Never tried it, but I can't imagine it's that good. And also, Kansas, why is the only thing that we know Kansas for Dorothy? I don't know what that is. You know what?

Bring Kansas to D, please, for the Kansas City. Oh, no. No, wait. I was going to say, dude, I was going to say Kauffman Stadium for the Royals, but that's a fucking Missouri team because it's Kansas City. Stupid fucking state, bro. Keep it at E. Is Mitch McConnell the Kansas? Is he a senator from Kansas? Because he looks really fucking weird.

Well, he sold his soul. Yeah, he looks like he sold his soul to a turtle demon. He's from Kentucky, though. He's from Kentucky. But we could use this time to analyze Kentucky. Yeah, put Kentucky below Kansas then because Mitch McConnell looks like a turtle.

But then also they got KFC. What are you talking about? Kentucky? What's Kentucky? They got KFC. Is that above Tennessee? Yeah. They got Hickok 45. Because Tennessee is like the frying pan that's flipping the Kentucky fried chicken. Right. I think Kentucky's C or B. Oh. What? Why? They got Hickok 45. What's that? It's great.

He's a YouTuber. He's an old man who shoots guns. He's 6'7". You know this guy? Yeah, his format hasn't changed in 15 years. Oh. Yeah. Okay. He also hasn't aged. Then he smokes pots. That's cool. Yeah.

All right. Next stop. Let's talk about Arkansas. Let's get that one out of the way. Is anything in Arkansas as far as I know? I don't know if anything's in Arkansas. No, and I feel like I always get it confused with those three. You know those three that I keep talking about? Yeah. Don't care about it. Yeah. Don't care about it. Yeah, sorry Arkansas. I don't know. I don't even know what's in your state. They got nothing.

You're F. Nothing. Okay. You're F. What about Pennsylvania? Let's go back north. Pennsylvania. Swing state. Boring ass state. Interesting thing about Pennsylvania that whenever I'm driving through there, I always notice they have an inordinate amount of vills. Towns that end in vill. Yeah, they do. Have you noticed this, Tucker? Yeah.

Very strange. It's like there's like Hooperville and gooberville and yeah, Philadelphia Yeah, yeah, Philadelphia ville like what's going on? Yeah, the Liberty Bell is that even there? Yeah, and then the miners they'll do this weird thing where they keep trying to kiss you on the mouth the coal miners in Pennsylvania Yeah, which I really strange. Yeah, don't don't kiss miners. Yeah, put that at sea at least I

- Will you give me some discretion? - No. - Okay, let's do Massachusetts. - S, S, steer. - You can put it down. - Boom! - Ted? - Birthplace of the Union, the rebellion began in Massachusetts in Lexington on the bridge. - Ted?

Let's do a little trade deal here, okay? Boston, Massachusetts. We've got good seafood. We got clam chowder. We got lobster. We got fish and chips. We got... Okay? We got fucking... I'll make a deal with you. The Prudential Center. I'll make a deal with you. Can I make a deal? Worcester. Lemonster. You want S tier for Massachusetts. I'll let this slide. Why? If...

What is this? You give me full authority to vote on one state. With no fighting, no nothing. No, no, no, no.

No, no, no. Because I know where you're going with this. I know where you're going with this. I've played far too much Age of Empires in the last week and a half in order to not know that you're up to something right now, you little fucking bastard. Massachusetts is not relevant enough to be an S-tier state. I'm sorry. It's not relevant. It simply is not relevant enough. You know what? For your fucking sports teams that everyone hates...

Like, God, the only people who really like New England are the ones that are sitting in its walls, bro. The rest of us do not care for you guys one bit. You got annoying ass fucking accents. Your sports teams win everything for no fucking reason. They really don't deserve it.

and your food isn't all that great. The Boston Red Sox, the New York, the fucking, I was going to say New York Patriots, the fucking Patriots, the fucking, I don't know, the Bruins, I guess the Revolution, but nobody talks about them. Fucking Celtics, okay? It's the soccer team from Massachusetts. What other things do I think? MIT, Harvard, lots of good schools, Tufts. I think Tufts is in Massachusetts. Fucking, I don't know, Emerson? Northeastern?

University. What else have we got? We've got fucking great fall weather. Okay? The weather in fall is fantastic. No one goes to Massachusetts for the fall weather. You're going farther north. That's honestly...

That's the case. You're going farther north? What are you talking about? You're going farther north for fall weather. If you want nice fall weather, you're going to fucking Maine or you're going to Vermont or upstate New York. Tucker, you got to back me up here with this one. You got to back me up. No one likes Massachusetts outside of Massachusetts, man. You need to know this. You need to get outside your bubble. First state.

the on the in the Northeast to legalize recreational marijuana. They just think they ever made. What are you talking about? They took the fun out of it. They took the fun out of it Oh about Doing crime Tucker likes to do things illegally and if he can't do that, then there's no challenge I just think everyone in Massachusetts lives in their own fucking bubble. I would put it at a

Because I have a... I'm not going to let it stand for Ernest here. I'm sorry. All right. I'll allow it to be an A, but I will not allow it to go any lower. But I'll tell you one thing. I'm not giving you a fucking free state to vote so you can just waltz on over and fucking vote California at F, you fucking dumbass. You think I'm stupid? You think I was fucking born yesterday? I was born in Massachusetts where smart people live.

It's obvious that that is what I wanted to do. But I would have taken it if it meant doing a service to my home state. I would have taken it. I would have let you...

Vote Texas as an F tier if it meant that you didn't contest me voting New York as an S. Well, here's the thing. I like Massachusetts. And I think anybody from your home state would have respected you for it. But no. I'll tell you my logic here. I really like Massachusetts. Not enough to fucking live there, though. So obviously, if it was enough that I'd live there, it'd be an S. But it's A, because it is... I fucking still like Massachusetts. I like going home. Yeah. But...

I will not sacrifice that in order for you to get your little win with California. All right, what's next? What do we got here? New Mexico. New Mexico? Breaking bad. Coolest fucking flag. Yeah. Coolest fucking license plate. License plate. Yeah, the teal. At least. Great. At least. At A, highest speed limit, too. You can go 85 miles per hour in that state. God bless. God bless. What is this? Oh, these are the Dakotas. Let's do North Dakota. North Dakota? Yeah.

Theodore Roosevelt National Park is okay. Is that where Mount Rushmore is? Yeah, north. Wait. No, it's not. It's in south. Yeah, it's in Sioux City in South Dakota. I'll tell you what about North Dakota. The first time I ever broke 100 miles per hour driving in the truck, and this is just in a video game. We were driving on a road. No, it's not.

we were driving on a road in north dakota and i decided to see if the car the truck had hit 100 miles per hour no one's on this road totally safe this is early in the morning and we're booking it okay and there is a group of birds on the road no and i say man i hope that those birds see this car moving fast enough to get away they start flying away

One of the birds hit the windshield of the car. It couldn't fly away fast enough. And we saw it fall to the ground behind the truck in the rear view mirror. Do you remember that, Tucker? Yeah. It was a little traumatic. We were like, holy shit, we were moving fast. That a fucking bird couldn't get away fast enough? Think and fly. It's always sad when you hit an animal. Yeah. So that's actually my one experience hitting an animal. Besides where I was driving. Yeah. You look at it in the rear view, you're like...

Yeah, it was like I saw it fall to the ground, glancing in the rear view, and I was like... So, North Dakota. Also, weird, spooky experience in North Dakota that Tucker had that we've never spoken about. The rumbling. Tell them the story about the rumbling. What the fuck is a rumbling? We were sleeping in the truck one night on the side of the road.

Just because that's where we stopped for the night. Sometimes we couldn't figure out an Airbnb soon enough, so we would sleep in the truck. We only did it three times.

I kept waking up to this. Everything was vibrating. I didn't know what it was. And I think... I never figured it out. I don't know if it was just me, but that seems unlikely. I got out of the truck in the middle of the night and was walking around trying to figure it out. I think it was fracking. That was my guess. Or oil drilling. It might have been what it was. But remember...

The original thing that the reason why you were waking up though is that I was sleeping in the passenger seat and Tucker was sleeping in the driver's seat and he kept waking up to the rumbling but when he would wake up he kept thinking that he had fallen asleep at the wheel. This happened like three times to him so he would wake up, see that he's in the driver's seat and then grab the steering wheel. Yeah, that was shitty. He refused to sleep in the driver's side. After that night I was like, I'm not doing that again. Yeah.

Yeah, but as a state, it's pretty... Oh, dude, you know what I remember?

There was this one time also that Tucker and I, we stopped in this one town. It was called, it was Scranton, North Dakota that we stopped in. And we stopped at a gas station and we walked in and it was like middle of nowhere gas station. And there was like a group of like four ladies that were like probably the wives of like husbands that work on the farms or something like that. And they're like playing like euchre or something in this like shop. And I'm like wearing a

like a Hawaiian shirt, Tucker's, you know, like we're not dressed. We are not from there. And one of the ladies turns over to me and is like, hold on a second. Are you John Piston's boy? And I turned to him and I'm like, what? Sorry? And I'm like, are you John Piston's boy, you son? John Piston's boy? I don't remember. I don't remember the name. The name's irrelevant. I,

It was like a movie scene. I was trying to think of a... I would not be surprised, though. That's the most North Dakota-sounding name ever. John Piston? John Piston? I wish that's what his name was. That's fucking awesome, man. But I turned and I was like, no, we're from Massachusetts. And she was like, oh, okay.

What are you doing out here? And we were like, honestly, we're on a road trip. But honestly, I was like, we don't know at this point. It was like middle of nowhere. It was early in the morning, too. Similar to West Texas. It was the Cenex in Scranton, North Dakota on the corner of 133rd Ave and 1st.

There you go, for your North Dakotans. But other than that, it's an empty state. But I would put it like a C. Or like a, yeah. Yeah, pretty average. Middle of the road. Pretty cool national park, though. You gonna do South now? Prairie Dogs. South is below North, geographically and on this tier list. No, it's above. Yeah, I'd say it's above. It is above.

It is above. South Dakota is not above North Dakota. That wouldn't make any sense. There's a wonderful place that you can go in South Dakota, in Mitchell, South Dakota, along the I-90 West Freeway, and it's called the Corn Palace. Have you ever heard of it? That doesn't make any sense. It's a magic place in Mitchell, South Dakota. It's below North Dakota. There's also a place called Waldrug. Have you ever been to Waldrug? No. No.

They got free ice water and five cent coffee. Okay. It can't be like this. Yeah, it can. It has to be below. And also, they've got Mount Rushmore. They've also got the largest statue of a Big Mac. You're putting South Dakota at B. Nakey Jakey is from South Dakota. My good friend Jakey. As soon as he could, he moved away. And they have, what else do they have?

I would say when we drove around that place, we had more fun in that state than almost anywhere else. It has a lot of stories. I would rate South Dakota's... I think from where I'm from, South Dakota's

A fun city to drive through because it is so flat and completely different from where I'm from, which is like temperate woods. There's a lot of woods. So it is entertaining. If I lived there, it would probably be a little bit boring, which is why I would keep it at a B right now. Is that a B? Yeah, I'd keep it at a B. We could tie it up at C. I don't know anything about South Dakota, so I'll let you have this one. Okay. Thank you. Then let's move on to Nevada. Nevada.

This is where people from California go when they want to have fun for a night. So wherever you put Nevada, California has to be one below. Are you speaking specifically about Las Vegas? Yeah. Do you know anything else about Nevada besides Las Vegas? No. Las Vegas? Quackity's city is also there. Oh, Las Nevadas. Las Nevadas.

I'll tell you one thing about Las Vegas that would pull Nevada down. They use and import so much water. I mean, just like Los Angeles. Nothing compared to Los Angeles. Nothing. Oh, like way more? No, LA pulls way more. So I'm telling you, Ted, California must be one below wherever we put Nevada. All right, Nevada, fucking S.

Chickmate baby. Nevada's ass. Honestly, I'm fine. I'm fine with that because I love gambling. So... Okay. What else? We should go to Las Vegas and vlog. I've talked to you about that. We do a Vegas trip. We should go. We should go. Yeah?

Yeah, S tier. We do a video on the channel, Chuckle Sandwich Goes to Vegas. Yeah. That'd be funny. Comment below if you want us to do Chuckle Sandwich Goes to Vegas special. And Ted puts it all on black. That would be pretty fun. I'll put $500 on black. Illinois. Illinois? Don't really care for this place. I don't really care for Illinois. F.

Wow. Wait. That was some Tucker hatred right there. I don't really understand that. I wouldn't have put it at F. Would you have put it at F, Ted? Wait. Illinois is... Chicago. Chicago. I do like Chicago, though. Chicago is good. They got deep dish pizza. They've got... What? What are you doing? Eddie Burback. Eddie Burback. You did not just say you like Chicago because of deep dish pizza.

You did not just say that! No, no. What I was doing there was I was beginning to list things, but then you started wheezing and I was worried about your health. Tucker, leave it at F! No! Don't leave it! Leave it at F! Don't do that! Let's put it at E. Let's put it at E. Come on. E! Sell me on a different state change and I'll move it for you. What are you ta- what do you mean? What is this? What are you doing? I'm sorry, I got authority in the board here. I know, he's-

He's taking control of this shit right now. Just put it at E, Tucker. Come on. You have to trade something. Why do I have to trade something? What are you talking about? Move New Hampshire up one and I'll put it at E. No. I will not budge on New Hampshire. Why? Why won't you budge on New Hampshire? I will not budge on New Hampshire. Keep it at F. All right. Let's talk about Louisiana. See, Louisiana, I always...

See, it's the three states down there. I just don't get it. You know, we're past three of them. Yeah, yeah. This is the fourth state. I just don't get it. I get confused with them every time. I don't know which one. It's the bottom one. Do you need like a map or something right now? I don't know. I also, I don't celebrate Mardi Gras. I don't know what that is. Okay. You like beignets? Come on, Bourbon Street.

That's a wet heat down there. Bourbon makes me happy. So maybe B. You go there, you can drink in the street, Schlett. Maybe B for bourbon. B for bourbon. B for bourbon. Thank you. I will say, it is a very wet city, though. Smells bad. And it smells a little weird.

There's like little areas where like, I don't know if it's like the trash collection is striking or something when we were there. New York City smells a little weird. New Orleans smells like shit. Let's talk about Nebraska. Nebraska? F. There is nothing in Nebraska. Now hold on.

No, you're right. Oh, you know what? Absolutely F. Because I was, Eddie and I were driving through Nebraska and it smelled like shit the whole time. Because we were driving by cow farms and we literally had to roll up the windows and then cover our mouths, like our nose and mouth with our shirts because it smelled so bad. The methane or whatever the fuck those cows were eating was so bad that driving by them was like...

going through a fucking radiation zone in fucking fallout okay i've experienced that it's not fun it's gross it was awful i was like oh my god yeah fuck nebraska leave it at f uh let's move are you guys ready to talk about new jersey north plant has a really good diner or should we knock out some of the other no no let's do it no let's do new jersey okay there's a saying that i've said probably five times on chuckle sandwich yeah yeah i'm sure you have

Why is every New Yorker so depressed? And it's not because of how expensive it is to live in a cardboard box in New York City. It's because the light at the end of the tunnel is fucking New Jersey. I have never been in this state and thought I would like to be here any longer than I've already been. They have a TV show. They're most known for a TV show that just sells degeneracy to kids. And honestly...

I think it's reprehensible. They got Atlantic City. I do love gambling though. So maybe B. No, I'm kidding. D, E, F. And also I'll tell you one thing.

The worst rainforest cafe that I ever went to. Was it in New Jersey? It was in Edison, New Jersey. It was in a mall in Edison, New Jersey. It was in absolute disrepair. It was the most pathetic looking rainforest cafe I have ever been to. Sorry, New Jersey. That makes me so happy. It's where my dad is from, but honestly, he doesn't live there anymore. They also tried to sell this rumor. They tried to claim New York pizza.

They're just like, no, the pizza's better in New Jersey. What the fuck do you mean? Yeah. Fuck you for even thinking that. Also, also, fuck Thomas Edison. Fuck you. Yeah. You stole shit from- Fuck Thomas Edison. Fuck you, Thomas Edison. Fuck Thomas Edison. Fuck you, Edison. Okay? Fuck you. I'm in the NoteMail squares. You like film? You like lights? Shut the fuck up, man. Who do you think you are? Stay dead. Rot. In your grave. Indiana. Great people there. Great people.

I don't really have anything particular to say about Indiana. I've got nothing. They got Indianapolis, which is a very nice place. Race cars. B? Yep. Yeah. B? Yeah. Okay. All right. It's cheap. Virginia. Good people. Virginia. Virginia. Ooh. Wow. Yeah. No. No. No. Not feeling that. Sorry. E.

Ted doesn't even care enough about you people to put up a fight. I mean, why would I even fight? Ted's holding back his energy for some up-and-coming states. Yeah. I'm building up my forces. I'm getting my wood and stone. Okay. What about West Virginia? F. Ted's out. Okay, what about Minnesota? Tucker got pulled over. Oh, yeah, first speed. We were driving along in Minnesota, and

The road trip had just kind of started, and we were driving along and stuff, and we didn't notice a Minnesota state trooper because their state trooper cars there are maroon. They are maroon. Also, we were in the two lanes, and it was all 18 wheelers in the right lane. So you're just in the left lane passing them.

Yeah. And there's a cop car between two of them. And as I'm passing, I just like look over.

And he looks at me. Well, here's the thing. We made a choice there, a very important choice. So we were passing the car. And then as we are like parallel to this state trooper going like, I don't know, we must have been going like 88 miles per hour or something like that, which is like, I don't know, like it's like 17 over. And generally the rule of thumb is for you because there's like 10 over if you want to be going where everyone is going. And so...

what we ended up doing is we looked over and

I think our social anxiety took over because we knew what position we were in. So Tucker was like, I don't know what to do. So I was like, I guess just pass him. But when reality, what we should have done is just slowly slowed down and got behind the cop car because the moment that we passed him, it was like, he was like, well, they're definitely going too fast. We should have just stayed parallel for as long as we possibly could have. Yeah, we should have. But, uh,

And yeah, like the moment we... It was like Tucker passed in front of him and then got in the right lane so we were in front of him. And then he just flipped his lights on and we were like, well, fuck. Great. That probably put a damper on the beginning of the trip too. It was kind of exciting actually. It wasn't that bad. Yeah, honestly, it made it a little interesting because it was like... Oh, okay. Yeah, and we didn't really have to deal with the price of the ticket for like...

a while later. Yeah, they don't post that shit for like a month, which is actually kind of annoying. Oh, there you go. Okay, what about Washington State? Olympus? I don't know. Olympic National Park? No, Olympus. No, isn't that the capital city? No, I know. I think that's the only... Olympus is the capital city of Washington? He said Olympus. Olympus. Olympus Mons. Is that what it is? It's the tallest mountain in the solar system.

On Mars, yeah. Yeah, Olympus or Mars. That's a different state. I believe that Olympic National Park, though, is the only rainforest or something. Yeah, it's the only rainforest in North America. Yeah. Or maybe it's just the United States. Yeah, I think it might be in the United States because I think there's some in Vancouver. Eastern Washington sucks. It is so boring. It is just fucking terrible land to drive through.

rate it i've never been up there rate it and let's get on i got my a wallet i used for a long time in pike's place and see how i'm well traveled can i can you tell yeah can you tell i'm watching you're so sick of this list aren't you let's go in c2 okay tennessee by the way guys just so you know when schlank gets frustrated here that this is taking so long it's because he hates america

So what's the next date, Tucker? What do you mean? I thought that was fair. We're going to get to that in one second. Well, you're just busy. So Schlatt hates America. He doesn't like it. And that's why he's complaining so much. I'm sorry, man. I can't understand what you're saying. Tucker, let's go on to the next date. Yeah, let's talk about it. How about Alaska? Chewing for his life.

He's chewing for his absolute life so he can say something. If you want to leave him behind, you better start talking about the next date. He's chewing so... You're chewing like a fucking gerbil, man. What the fuck? Stop. You're chewing like fucking Mochi and Fern right now. Dude. I do not hate America. I love America. Yeah, okay. And that's all I'll say. Okay, what's the next one, Tiger? Hey, girl, you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see. S-tier state. Love Tennessee. Ted, do you concur?

Yeah, Nashville's cool. I was there for Pay Money Wubbies Price is Right stream, and nobody, nobody was from Tennessee. I don't know why the fuck they did it there, but I was introduced to the beautiful city of Nashville and the Nashville Zoo. I had a great time. S. What about Rhode Island? Oh, Rhode Island. Right, because that was a state I almost forgot because I couldn't see it because it's so tiny. It's a little tiny state.

Little tiny state. Little tiny baby state. Terrible. We could crush you with the military might of Massachusetts, and that's not even saying something. Yeah, I mean, like E? I don't know. What's in Rhode Island? I don't even know what the capital is. I don't even know if they're big enough to have a capital. It's like a town. I don't think they do. I don't think they have one. All right. Wyoming. Wyoming? Why is it not at fucking E as well? Well, actually, they have Yellowstone, though. They do.

Yellowstone's pretty cool, but Yellowstone gets cold. Montana better. But wait, Yellowstone also has a fucking super volcano. F. That could kill us all. That won't be good. It could kill us all. We don't want that. All right, next. Alaska. Alaska? You know, we get troops over there. We protect ourselves from Russia if they were ever as capable as they were in fucking Cold War. Juneau looks like a very beautiful city. I'd love to go there one day. B. What about Hawaii, the other outlier?

So far away. So far away. But it is where Pearl Harbor happened. And if you did care about America, then you would put it high. Father, Son, Holy Spirit, Amen. B for bombed. Bombed. Washington, D.C.?

What the fuck? That one doesn't get to play. There's no star on the flag for that. That one doesn't get to play. It's like the kid you're leaving out again. Recess. What about Maine?

That's where Ethan Nestor's from. We like Ethan Nestor. Big fan of Maine. S tier. Big fan of Maine. Oh, you got Bar Harbor. You got Acadia National Park. Beautiful. You've got Cadillac Mountain. Excuse me. What does my hat say? You got Bar Harbor, bitch. Bar Harbor. I would put Maine at an S tier. There's Cadillac Mountain where if you go...

I, if you go there really early in the morning, I told this to Tucker because he had his honeymoon in Acadia and I was like, you got to go to fucking Cadillac mountain at like 4am because it's the first, you see the sunrise there. It's the first place that the light hits in the United States. We did that shit. Um,

and it was fucking foggy, and you couldn't see two feet in front of you. And I wound up paying to go to the top of Cadillac Mountain, and I couldn't see two feet in front of me. I saw the sunrise every day for four years. I don't really give a shit anymore. But still beautiful, S tier. I'll tell you one thing.

I feel like it's funny. A lot of these states, I have an experience with them that is positive, and you have attempted to get that same experience with Montana, like going there, and it's ended in disaster somehow. Yeah. All right. New York. It's the city of milk. State of milk. What the fuck are you talking about? The city of milk. New York City. City of milk. New York. Take the one train down to Rector Street for some milk, baby. It is no...

It is no secret that I am not the biggest fan of New York City. But that is often what everybody thinks of when they think of New York. And there is so much beauty in the culture and the people and the landscape of everywhere else in New York that is not New York City.

You go five minutes northwest of New York City, and it is some of the most beautiful land you'll ever see. Yonkers. The nicest people. Somehow, there's always... You're talking about yonkers right now, right? Yeah, yonkers. There's always, like, dilapidated buildings in upstate New York. We talked about this the last time. Yeah, we did. Somehow, there's always just a dilapidation, but it's charming, you know? It's a charming dilapidation. The junkyards that are somehow there for a purpose, the...

weird random fucking like race car tracks where they're doing like buggy races or something i've passed that every time i would commute to israel the catskill mountains are beautiful and all the small towns that are nestled within all the little valleys of the catskills are also beautiful you got some steak in niagara falls too you do

New York side is not as good, that's for sure, but you do have some. So if we wanted to take Niagara Falls for ourselves, then we could. Totally could. We could annex Niagara Falls. Also, the lake effect snow of Buffalo, New York. Wow. Those fuckers get a lot of snow. That's something beautiful. The Finger Lakes. The Finger Lakes. Yeah. The Erie Canal. Oh!

The Erie Canal. I've never seen anyone get so excited over a canal. This is great. The Erie Canal. Wow. I'll put it at A. 15 miles on the Erie Canal. All right. The last two. Wait, we didn't rank it. I said A. You said A? Why'd you say A? This is obviously S here. No, because you've got Utica.

I'm sorry? What? You've got Utica. See, Utica is when you go too deep into upstate New York. And it really just starts sucking. But there's a sweet spot you can hit. And you know it. You know. You know that it can be S. You know it can be S. Give me S tier on this. Are you willing to move New Hampshire? I'll give you S.

For one reason, and one reason only, okay? And I want the listeners out there to hear that. I am going to give New York an S for one thing, and Tucker knows what I'm about to say. It starts with a W, and it's called Wegmans. Oh. That's right, New Yorkers. You heard me. Wegmans. I don't know what Wegmans is. Don't tell him! Oh, damn it. What?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't. He didn't want the secret to get lost. Yes. I love Estir. I love New York. I'm proud to be a New Yorker. Fuck New York City, though. You fucking scum of the earth who live there. Are you guys ready to duke it out? I want to move to New York City. I think it's so quirky. I love New York. Fuck you. Okay. Let's do this. You ready? It's a final countdown. Hold on. Hold on.

Do I have to... Am I speaking now? What's happening? You're chewing something. What's going on? Okay. All right. Let's go. All right. Which one should we do first, Tucker? You get to choose. I think you should do them at the same exact time. No. That's a bad idea. Terrible idea. People aren't going to want to listen to that. Which one do we do? Okay. Do Texas first. Let's do California first. No. The word of Tucker is true. And the word of Tucker... Okay. Okay.

Of course you'd want to do that first. Okay. So, I think... Well, we just did my state. We just did New York. New York's my state. Let's do yours. It's not my state. Yes, it is. I just live there. You're there right now. This is your state. I gave you the joy.

and the service of putting New York as an S after I put my home state at an A, and you are trying to think that you have the upper hand here on what goes first, we're talking about Texas. Now, my first gripe with Texas, Schlatt is always complaining about it. Why is that? Because it sucks big cock and sucks big dick.

Okay? They have their own personal little power grid, but it's failing all the time. Ted Cruz is leaving to go to Cancun, and his daughter hates his guts, and he's the senator. And what else? Remember the Elmo? Nobody remembers what it's even for, not even Shlatt, because he lives there. What else do we got here? Fucking...

I don't know when you're traveling across fucking eat a Western Texas along to try to get into further into the state. There's one highway and then it drops from 75 miles per hour down to 45 and a hundred feet. And you're getting fucking tickets in like 30 seconds. Also slack on a $10,000 fucking ticket from Texas. They're making people have heart attacks on the daily basis. Okay. Now it's your turn to defend it.

Huh? Oh, you're done? If the defense has nothing to say, then... I'm waiting for your response. Do you have anything to even say? No. I completely agree with everything you just said. Okay. Text is F. Okay. Since Schlatt didn't rebuttal, he gets the first words on the next state. All right. Here we go. Why did Ted take off his headphones? Does he not want to participate? No. I'll put them back on. All right. Here we go. Straight up.

It's got to be the performance of a lifetime. It's going to be an epic rap battle of history all of a sudden. See? All right. Well, that wraps things up. Yeah, I agree with that. It's just definitely a C-tier state. Well, that was a bit anticlimactic, Schlatt. What the fuck just happened to you? What? Did you just get hit with a radiation ray or something from an alien ship and suddenly became pacified? What the fuck just happened? No, I agreed with Texas as F, and I think California as C.

Okay, well, thanks for listening to this episode of Chuckle Sandwich. I mean, you want me to start fucking ranting for a second? Austin lost all of its culture in the past 10 years since I moved here. I was here first, and then all these yuppies from California and New York start moving into my city, and Elon Musk starts coming into my city, Austin, Texas?

It's lost all its culture. It's not even the capital of live music anymore. It's fucking developed. Everyone lives off of a highway exit and there's nothing there anymore. Thank you guys so much for listening to this episode of Chuckle Sandwich. Be sure to follow us on Twitter and subscribe on YouTube and make sure to like the video if you enjoyed it. And if you're listening on Spotify, then please be sure to follow the podcast. We released episodes on...

audio usually on mondays and the beginning of a new speed limit and hide there so that the people who need time to slow down love you to death and they're still going that speed and then you get a 300 fucking dollar ticket for going six miles per hour over the speed limit it's also brutally hot