We Discovered The Strangest News Headlines
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Hey, Ted, how you doing, man? I'm doing good, Schlatt. How's it going, everybody? I need to bring something to the people right now. I need to let people know. You have a confession to make? No, not a confession. It's more like an expose. Because I'm a little bit frustrated with you. Because I was doing this sweet fucking dance for you earlier when we were about to record. And you kept telling me that you didn't like it. I'm going to show it to everyone right now.

You don't have to show them, guys, if you're watching this. This is a great dance. There's no reason. If audio listeners stay on the audio platform, it's really not worth it. You got to get over here and check this out. It's not worth it. It's not worth it. How about this one? Ready?

A little bit of that. This fucking sucks. I'm kind of doing like an audio listeners. I'm kind of doing like a maracas. You keep dancing like that, I'm just going to say welcome to chocolate sandwich. I want people to vote. It's stupid. It's stupid, bro. I want votes. I want votes for the little bit of this.

A little bit like shaking it away. I'm getting rid of it. I don't want it. I'm introing. I'm introing. I'm getting rid of the bad vibes, man. You don't... I'm introing. Come on, man. I'm introing. Oh, the music's getting louder. You're right. You are introing. Here it is. Here it is. I turned it on. I turned it on. It's going to happen. Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich. Oh, both of my kitties sitting on the window watching outside. Oh. Looking for crimes. Dude, he just...

winked at us. He is the best. He is the best. I love this cat. I haven't really seen your cats in your room in a while. Yeah, because usually they fucking just annoy me because I close the door and then they start scratching on the door. Let me out. I don't want to be in here with you. You hurt me. I don't hurt you. I just give you...

lovable pats on the ass sometimes okay hey are you sexually assaulting your cat what no they like it flat would you ever leave your cat um alone in an airport and just see what happens this guy yeah dude he'd he'd be fucking he'd be chilling that'd be a really confusing scenario that'd be a really confusing scenario to uh

Oh, he's got fangs, too. He's got fangs, man. Dude, this guy's been astray for six years. I pulled him off the street myself. Okay? Yeah, by the back of his neck. Listen, I got nothing to worry about with this fella. He can fucking start vomiting on the floor all over like he did this morning, and I'd be, this dude's fine. He's had worse. Yeah, but you're not going to be happy. I'm not happy. You're going to be like, oh, man, what are you doing? What are you doing? And then you're going to like...

You start wiping it up. Or then you're going to start slipping around in it like you're a goon from Home Alone or something. Look, I cleaned it up, but at the end of the day, man, anything can happen to him. I'm not going to worry. If he's lost, if he gets outside or gets lost in an airport, he's fine. I got nothing to worry about. He'll find his way back. That would be kind of a shocking visual, though. It's like seeing a cat running around an airport. People are like, whose fucking cat is this?

Well, I've got a great news story based right on that. Oh, yeah. Because today on Chuckle Sandwich, we're checking out what's in the news. This is... I'll let you guys in on something right now. This is our...

What's in the news podcast? And then there's like sort of a little dance that we do where we like throw it away. We throw it away, you know? Dude, that is, he looks fucking scary right now. He looks like a demon. He loves this. I know, but he looks like a fucking demon right now. He's his favorite thing in the world right now. He's his favorite thing in the world. He absolutely loves this.

He loves when I rough him up. He loves when I rough him up. It feels like he's on the streets again, doesn't it? Yeah, that's what happens on the streets. He just starts getting roughed up. Yeah, someone just comes in and roughs him up a little bit.

Oh, wow. That actually is really cute. He's fucking loving that shit. Audio listeners love it. Shlatt is roughing his cat up by rubbing his chest. Oh, he hissed at me. Hey, man, go back to sleep.

To update you listeners, Tucker's got a new setup. He's got a new camera. He's got a new mic. So he sounds better. He's not operating off the Blue Yeti and the Logitech C920 anymore. He's got his Shure SM7B with the fucking thing. And the same... Actually, I...

What I did exactly is that I bought everything that I use on my podcast. So you may notice that Tucker's wearing the same headphones as me. He's got the same mic setup and everything. It's the exact same setup. Yeah, no, it is the exact same setup. Same mic stand, too, from Amazon, the $30 one. Yeah, well, it works. It's never been a problem for me, you know? It works. Dude, I'm the only one without an SM7B these days. I got my Hale PR40. My silver microphone. Oh, my God, I love this thing. Yeah, it does sound good.

Stop it! Stop! Stop, Jambo! It looks pretty cool, too. It does look like something they'd build in space. It looks like a really old-timey mic from the 50s, like a modern version. You know what? It's one of the ways you set yourself apart in this world. I got a nice silver microphone. No one knows what this is. No one else uses this mic. It's a part of who I am, man.

You and your stupid little SM7B same setup. You guys look like, look, dumb and dumber. Thing one, thing two from Cat in the Hat. Look at you. Dude, weebs. We're chilling right now. Dude, weebs. You're like the ice climbers from Nintendo. And we're eating Domino's doing it. Oh, great. You're going about the fucking Domino's. We're eating a pan pizza and we're eating a marble cookie brownie. You know what I hope I see in the news soon? Ted and Tucker, dead. Hope that's the latest headline that I get to see. You two, dead.

If your Domino's poisons you. It kind of is, to be honest. It is kind of. What? The Domino's. It is poison. If you continue to eat the Domino's every day, you'd be. Oh, yeah. It's poison. It's definitely poisoning you. Yeah. You would die.

I will say, Chick-fil-A, I might have to move up to the St. Rubble's Popeyes. Oh, did you recently get a Chick-fil-A? I had the pimento chicken sandwich, which is the chicken breast, and then they put pimento and honey on it, too. They, like, dip the chicken in honey, and there's jalapenos on the bottom. Oh, okay. Yeah, I know that. It's so good, man. That sounds pretty goddamn sexy. Whenever they add honey to chicken, if I hear...

You know, honey chickens, anything. You know? Yeah, it's fucked up. There was this grocery store I would go to when I was a kid and they had these things called Honey Strung Drummies.

Honey-strung drummies? Yeah, honey-strung drummies. The old Roach Brothers. Yeah, I was just about to say. They carry honey-strung drummies. And it's basically just wings, but they're just like these honey-flavored kind of chicken wings. Oh, they were good. I would go to that store. I was like, oh, man, they're good. They're good. But either way, Chucklers...

We're checking out what's in the news today. We're checking out what's in the news today. It's actually, this is a normal podcast. There's not a huge fucking overarching thing. We're just going to be chatting. We'll be catching up. But what it's worth, I wanted it to be a themed episode. I was saying in the meeting, we do a meeting every week. I was saying, guys, let's do a Reddit episode or a Would You Rather episode. I love those. They're great. We don't want to wear them out. We don't want to wear them out. I think we should do them. It's like a...

Think about it this way. I feel like each of those little types of video, types of episodes we do is like a block of Parmesan, okay? And you're grading it, but eventually you're going to start grading it so much, you're going to start grading your fingers. You're going to start getting little shavings of skin, epidermis on your food. That's just a little extra seasoning is what I say. Ew. Gross, man. That might be, in a spiritual sense, that might be desirable for you.

I liked how much thought you gave that. That was a really thoughtful little movement you did there. I'm almost inclined to believe you and be on your side with this now. You see my cat right now? Tell me more. He's just like this. He's just laying like this. Whoa. Like the Egyptians? We're majestic, man. We're majestic today. I'm feeling majestic. Look at this guy. Can I just say, like, I've had almost six months with this cat. I've

I fucking love this cat. Maybe even more than Jambo. I was about to ask. Look at him. Is he like, what makes him so great? You do what, he's a little stuffed animal. You do whatever you want to him. And he doesn't care because he's had it worse on the streets. He's had it worse on the streets. But you see how even though he just hissed at me, he's like still just like, he's just like still chilling. Why do you think it's okay to give him like the streets light though?

- What? - You're giving him like the streets light. You're like, this is what he likes from the streets. - I went to the vet and the vet was like, wow. The vet loved him. He was like, this is a great cat you got. And he's like, is he doing anything that streets usually do? Like, is he fucking peeing on the carpet and shit trying to mark his territory? I'm like, no. And he's like, that's surprising. That's good, you got a good one.

And maybe he's just marking his territory in places you don't know about. Maybe you're going to like open up a closet or something one day and you're just going to get hit with a wave. You're just going to be blasted back. Green cartoon smoke like wafts out from under the door. It's going to be the SpongeBob episode where the where the smell enters your mouth and you're going to sneer and it's going to be bad. Yeah. Well, maybe. But he also said something else while we were visiting. And he's like, dude.

When you're playing with this guy, you have to win sometimes. He's like, this dude thinks he's the king of the world. He's been out on the streets. You have to give him a little taste of it so that he doesn't go fucking crazy. Like, he has to get that energy out of him somehow. And so that's why I rough him up a little bit and see how he opens his mouth, a little warning sign, a little warning. You know?

But then as soon as, as quickly as he riles up, I can just start petting him and he'll come right back down. I really hope he doesn't bite you though. You got me all nervous thinking this cat's going to start. He doesn't bite. Well, he does bite. I was wrong. He does bite a lot, but it's never a, it's never a harmful one. It's always play biting.

But yeah, he likes to... It's fun. I just love the cat, man. I love the cat. The cat's great. I imagine it would be so confusing to be a pet or a human if I didn't speak English or understand what the fuck was going on. This cat is phenomenal. I just always wondered what that would be like to be placed in the mind of an animal for a couple minutes just to figure out what the fuck was going through their brain.

I don't know, man. He probably thinks I'm pretty cool. I piss him off sometimes, but that's what I was told to do, you know? Yeah, but even people you think are cool piss you off sometimes anyway. Yeah. Yeah. It's like they say, man, you need a little unhappiness in this world to be happy. Yeah.

To understand what true happiness is. And I... Listen, I... The grass is greener where you water it. That's what they say. He's got a great life right now. He's growling at me, but he's got a great life. And he knows it. He knows. He totally knows it. Okay. Well, so...

Tucker, you've been browsing. I love this guy. You're freaking me out with that laugh, dude. It sounds like an early cartoon Joker. Not like a modern one. It sounds like an early one. Buddy, stop. Stop. Come on. Say hi to everybody. He's a really cute cat. He's got feet. He's violently growling at me right now.

Yeah, I'm getting little hints of it through Discord, but it's going to definitely show up on the podcast for sure. But, Tucker, what did you find in the news lately? You were talking about somebody leaving a cat in an airport? I tried to segue into it about 10 minutes ago. Uh-oh! I'm going to let you go, buddy.

Go to your happy place for a happy price. Go to your happy price, Priceline.

Audio listeners love you to death. Shalance Camp gave him the fucking strike of a thousand truths. Right to the face. He loves me. Did you get scratched at all? No. He was getting ready. He was like, I could extend. He just warns, man. I love it. You start fucking with him, he just goes... He doesn't actually do anything. Sometimes I do that too. If someone's bothering me, I'm like...

You know what I say? Go into a gorilla enclosure sometime and give them a smile. Oh, maybe we should do that. Yeah. Together. We can survive longer smiling at a gorilla. Yeah. Yeah.

That'd be a good challenge for us. That'd be a good little chuckle. Chuckle Sandwich does smiling at gorillas. Hey, buddy. Honestly, if I saw you in the street and you're doing that, I'd probably try to attack you as well. That's kind of a fucking freaky. That's like, you have a thumbnail where you're making that face, I think, actually. Probably. Look, they're having a meeting. They're having a meeting down there now. A meeting of the minds. It's the G2 Summit. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm sorry. I've been derailing us for like 20 minutes. 15 to be specific, but it's okay. And honestly, you know, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Let me get the other one. There's a... There he is. There he is. Hey, buddy. Do you hate me right now? No, dude. He loves me. Look at this. See?

He's the best. Yeah, no, it's a good cat. It's a great cat. That's a great, that's a phenomenal cat. That's a fantastic cat. Takes a pet like no problem. Takes a pet like no problem. So, Tucker, what's going on in the news today? Okay.

This one I tried to segue into like 13 minutes ago. Hey, hey, it's okay. It's okay. Sometimes he's got to gush about his cats. He loves his cats. I'm allergic to cats. So this one is owner reunited with her dog that roamed the Atlanta airport for three weeks.

Oh, that's what you were trying to segue to? Yeah, that's the first. Oh, that makes sense. I was like, why is he asking about if this guy got lost in an airport? It got you really distracted for a really long time. Tucker, that was a, you know, I respect the segue. It had a monumental consequence to it. Monumental. Yeah, it probably made it worse. Yeah.

Yeah, it did derail this for a really long time. You guys segued so far that you almost lined me up for a segue to a different article altogether talking about the gorilla. The dog just roamed the airport for...

Yeah, so for three weeks, yeah, it's like a, it's a small dog, like Chihuahua. Oh, I thought it was a cat. No, it's a dog. Oh. It was, Atlanta's the busiest airport in the world too. And this one, it was getting loaded onto a flight to the Dominican Republic and it got out of its cage or whatever, its crate.

And no one found it or whatever for three weeks. Just climbing through the vents? Just searching around? How did it survive for three weeks? Do we know that info? Think about it. I don't know if we know that info. But I imagine if you get a little dog come up to you, you're eating like a breakfast sandwich at the airport, you know, you'd throw it away.

Yeah, you throw the metaphorical bone. You're just like, look at his dog. Give him a Cheeto. Give him a Cheez-It. Dude, dog was surviving off of fucking Cheez-Its and all those. Everyone's loaded up when they go to the airport. Oh, yeah. I don't know about you, but whenever I get on a flight in L.A. at the Delta Terminal and Terminal 3, they've got one of those Amazon...

walk in walk out kind of things where you just scan you scan your card in and then you can take whatever it feels like you're stealing and then you walk out um and i always i always get myself like for some reason on a flight i always get a dr pepper like and then i ask for a cup of ice so then i can have more than one of just like a half cup of ice because that's never enough fucking liquid for anyone um and i'll sometimes i mean i mean i'll admit it i'll sometimes get some white cheddar cheeses

You know what I got recently? Tucker's raising his hand. Tell the class. What do you want? I was at an airport when I went to the last Chuckle Week. You sound a little nervous when you're saying this, dude. I've been itching to talk about this since it happened. It was a walk-in, walk-out convenience store, so nobody works there besides maybe people who restock it. This is when you were leaving Chuckle Week?

I think it was either... I think it was headed to Juggle Week. Because I... Oh, it was heading to Juggle Week. So I walk in. I grab my stuff. I go to check it out at the self-checkout. The self-checkout machine asked me if I wanted to leave a tip. Oh, that's bullshit. And I was like, oh, we've really descended too far. I was...

I was meeting up with a friend for some drinks. She's got this other friend of hers that's from Italy, and he had just moved there. He got his green card.

And he was like barbecuing up some stuff. And then like some of their like some of their Italian friends were nearby. And we got into this whole conversation about tipping at restaurants. They're from Europe, so they don't they don't tip there. And I had to like explain them because they were like they were like 10 percent is what you tip in a restaurant. And I'm like, oh, no, oh, no. They're going to think you fucking hate them if you tip 10 percent. If the service is really bad, you tip a penny. But if it's good, you tip a penny. Is that what I thought you did? It was a nickel. It was a nickel.

- Oh, okay. - Yeah, it was five cents. - But I feel like the minimum, or generally the general consensus is that 20% is what you tip someone. - Yeah, sure. - If you drop below 20, it's like, okay, there's something they did, I feel like. But you don't, and you never drop below 15, ever. That's like you're being a fucking asshole. And you never leave your number, for those of you out there. I've seen plenty of Reddit posts where some guys left their number and they're like,

Call me to it. It's like, listen, above 20%. I think you could leave whatever you want on the, on the bill. You can write whatever the fuck you want on the bill. There's more than 20. Oh yeah. I mean, if you, no, no, no. What I'm saying here is that some people, rather than leaving a tip, we'll leave a number. Yeah. That's, that's bullshit. But if you tip like 25%, geez, you leave, you leave as many numbers as you want. Yeah. It's just, that's just generous, you know?

Speaking of that, Tucker, sorry, sorry. This came to me recently. This unearthed a memory. Because everyone's got the fucking iPad now. They flip it around. They ask you to fucking tip on shit that you never used a tip for. Frozen yogurt. I was at a store. I can't remember where it was. But they flipped the fucking iPad around. And the options started at like 23%.

Wait, you don't know where this was? I don't remember. It might have been a coffee shop. Some like chic hipster place, right? Turn around, 23% it started at. And it went all the way up to like 30. I'm a nice guy, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I usually tip 20%. But if you start at 23...

I will select no tip. That's 3% higher. That's 3% beyond what you're willing to handle. I'll do 20, but 20 is my max. Okay. I'm not tipping more than that because that's absurd. And the thing is too, that's not even something like that shit. It can be programmed. So like that, you got the store owner going in there and being like, let's start people at 23%. It's fucking, it was fucking bullshit. I hit, I was like, what?

That was something I had to tell the Italian people. I taught them three things. I taught them the word facetious. I taught them the word trepidatious. And then I taught them that you can say no to tipping no at most establishments besides like a restaurant. It's like a restaurant, a haircut, or like a valet. You're tipping.

No, I don't agree with the valet shit. No. I'm sorry. What do you mean? You're like valet's biggest customer too. I don't feel I need a tip at a valet. This isn't even going to apply to 99% of the audience. Yeah. I mean, dude, if I'm going somewhere and the valet's already paid, I have to pay money for the valet. I'm not giving you extra money. What the fuck?

If it's a free valet, I'll throw in some money. But I'm not giving you $10. I have a very nice car. I'm not giving you $10. That's an important piece of information. No, it is an important piece. Get what you get and make sure my my box doesn't get dinged. It's an important piece of information. And I'll tell you why it's an important piece of information. It's because they don't fucking move the nice cars. They put it right out in front so that other people can see the nice car. Two feet away.

So I'm paying for that service for you to move my nice car two feet. I could have put it there and I would be fine. Ten fucking bucks to put my car there. And it's fucked up too because they're putting it right next to the key replicating stands too. Yeah. And then people see the nice car and they're like, oh, this must be a nice place. I'll go in too. It's free advertising for them. You're going to make me pay $10 for that. Fuck you. Fuck you. Yeah, you're the advertiser. I guess, you know.

I've given people, I've given a fucking valet my key and $10 as the valet charge for him to walk two feet to my car and do a fucking U-turn. They wouldn't let me just get the key and go. Like that's how bullshit it is. Because they're experienced. Yeah, that is something that I do get frustrated sometimes with where I see places in LA where it's like,

Some places even during the normal portions of the day, it's like a normal parking lot. But then at a certain point, they change it into valet mode. Like the valets come in and it's like, oh, we're doing valet now. And I'm like, well, what changed? What changed? Did it suddenly become harder to park here where we got to get a guy for this? Yeah, valet is definitely an interesting one. I mean, if it's like a nice restaurant though.

- Valet, and you tip the valet? - No, no, no, well here's what happens, Ted. First of all, they'll charge you for the valet if it's a nice restaurant because they don't do free valet anymore. It doesn't even fucking happen. Second of all, you've got, everyone wants to be a fucking influencer now, so they'll monetize everything they can get and your valet will probably be recording your car and its insides and saying, "Day fucking 400 as the valet for this restaurant. Guy came in with a real nice car. Let's see what he gives me."

Have you seen valet TikTokers? Yes. Yes. Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I guess that's kind of weird. There are valets that will fucking get into your car and go like, oh, fuck.

This one's a fucking Mercedes GLA. Let's see what it lets. Wow. Nice car. And then it's just a display of all of the dragon themed dildos that Schlatt has across his seats. Yeah. All the fucking cum stains on the other seat. Yeah. He's showing all my cum stains in my Maybach. And the content is literally like, look at this car. Let's see what they tip.

So, no. You're monetizing. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. The point of the TikTok is how much does this person tip based on their car? These people get lots of views doing this. And the valet is already... You already pay for the valet. So, why do I feel the need to...

monetizing it three times you are parking right in front this is the cries and the and the frustrations of the one percent that you're you're making money on your fucking shitty little tiktoks you don't have permission to be filming those and you're making money on the tip fuck you

Have you ever seen the TikTok that's like millionaires versus billionaires and the millionaire is like a dick penny pension and the billionaire is like, no, it's okay. Here's a tip. The billionaire is like this chill Chad guy. He's just like, yeah. Because they have a thousand million dollars.

Well, what I was saying is Schlatt's kind of like the asshole millionaire. Yeah, I walk into the dealership. Hey, buddy, a billion dollars just walked in. So why don't you get your manager and let's get this show on the road. And then the guy he's talking to is like a billionaire. These are brand new voices I've never heard you make before. And I'm here for it. Seriously. Who is that? That's what he is. That's what he sounds like. What else does he say? Hey, buddy, big money just walked through this door.

And then the salesman person is like the secret billionaire. And he's like some guy off in the corner. It's like you're going to this nice restaurant. All of a sudden you see Ali walking by and his like little vest and tie. And he's got a phone. He's like big, big money here. Big, big money. I'm going to see. That is a little bit doxy, though, of them. It is. It is. I was I was weirded out when I was looking at because cars cars now can like story your fucking name and

and your locations and everywhere you go. So the guy could just be filming. Oh, let's flip through this guy. Oh, let's see where his home is. If you wanted to. He's like videoing himself, pressing all the buttons and shit. He's like messing around with the dials. He's like, oh, these are just pretty nice dials. He's like changing all the fucking, like the heat to full blast and stuff. He's like connects his phone to the fucking Bluetooth.

Dude, on that note, Tucker, there's another account that does shit like that, but it's like a regular guy and he just has a really rich friend and he just pretends to have conversations between them. And so the caption of the video I saw recently is like, when your rich friend wants to go on vacation with you. And the conversation is literally, hey, bro, I just got broken up with.

Oh, man, I'm so sorry. You want to go to Italy with me for three weeks? No, I can't, man. Neil, I got a job. How much money do you make? $60,000? If I gave you $60,000 right now, would you go to Italy with me for three weeks? Yeah. And that was it. Yeah, that's kind of like an arrangement that Ted and I have. Sorry.

A little bit, honestly. A little bit. Basically, the way that the Tucker hiring went was like, Tucker was going to be like, while he's in school, he was going to either work at Home Depot or like, I mean, God forbid, Staples or maybe even a Best Buy. Maybe you'd upgrade to a Best Buy. You'd go from a red shirt to a blue shirt. No, dude. I'm off Best Buy. Yeah? Okay. No.

Sorry, I'm sorry for bringing it up. It's hardcore Staples vibes in there. I was in there the other day. Oh, yeah. It's some bad vibes. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I went in there when I bought... It's just yellow and blue Staples. That OLED TV I got, it was like, I went in there... Oh, man, dude. I went and got that old... Tucker, you're going to love this. I went in there and got that OLED TV, and then they were like...

Well, basically, yeah. No, they were like, you want a protection plan for this thing? And I was like, but they were speaking about it in a different way and they were calling it different words. And you bought it, didn't you? You bought it. No, I actually didn't. I actually did not. I was listening to them and at first I was like, man, this sounds like a pretty big deal. And then all of a sudden, it was like I went through a vortex in my own. It was like, that's so Raven. Like I went...

through my own eye and I remember seeing the square trade and I remember just mumbling something in my head and I was like this is such a fucking scam granted people were getting it on printers and like fucking oh my god like people were getting square trade they were you could get a square you could probably get a square trade on a fucking SD card at Staples no they were dude they wanted us to sell those and they would get mad when we couldn't sell they were like why didn't you get a plan on that SD card and I was like

- Yeah, so it was like, and this lady was really forceful about it. So it was like, clearly she was not selling enough. So, and I actually asked them, I was like, so this is like Square Trade. And they were like, no, no, it's like, they knew what I was talking about when I was like, no, no, no, it's not. But yeah, no, guys, most of these products have a year warranty at least, maybe even two or three. So you don't need the protection plan that they offer. And you definitely don't need a year protection plan for sure.

Amazon does it now too. They'll ask you at any tech product. There's like, there's another insurance plan that they offer on top of it. Yeah. Like my, my original TV before I upgraded was worked for three years before the backlight went out on it and I'm going to go get it fixed and then probably put it somewhere else in my apartment. But,

What is these faces that you're making, Tucker? You're like... Those are just honest reactions that I have. I have these the whole time you're on Discord with me when we don't have the video. Really? Yeah, please don't. Where are you going to put the other 55-inch TV? I'll put it in my fucking room. Or

Or actually, you know what I'll do? Eddie has this thing in his stream set up where he actually puts it up above. So if I wanted to play a Wii Sports or something on stream, I could do that. So I might put it up above my... That's Eddie's thing, though. That's Eddie's thing. You'd be copying him. I was talking to Eddie about it, and he seemed to think it was okay. He let me do it. Eddie said it was okay. So fuck you. Mom said it was okay. I feel like TV should live more than three years. Why'd your backlight go out? What brand was it?

It was Samsung. Yeah, that explains it. Okay. I swear by LG TVs, man. LG TVs and monitors, they got the best panels, baby. You just got to use those. That's what you got to use. Always. Not even sponsored. I got one now. Not even sponsored. You got to go with the LG. But yeah, if my cat was lost in an airport for three weeks, that'd suck. Glad they got it back, though. Do you guys want another news story? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, what happened to that fucking dog? How did they find that dog? Oh, yeah. So the woman who lost the dog apparently crawled into a cargo bay within the airport to catch the dog. Yeah, three weeks later? Yeah. The lady did? The lady crawled into a cargo bay? I think so. Hold on. She's like, I just think he's in here three weeks later. No, no, it wasn't the lady. It was.

So he's a volunteer animal recovery specialist, Robin Allgood. Here's your credit. Robin Allgood. Good for you, Robin. Yeah, good for you, Robin. A call came in at 2.30 a.m. from a FedEx cargo worker who had spotted the dog. There you go. There you go. Okay, so another headline is, which I can give you context on too. Hold on. Hold on. Okay. That was a good one.

Okay, this one is Florida siblings ages 10 and 11 stopped while driving mom's car on freeway 200 miles from home. Wait, one more time. Full headline. Florida siblings ages 10 and 11 stopped while driving mom's car on freeway 200 miles from home. Why'd they stop?

Well, they got pulled over. Oh. For what? Were they speeding? The mom reported her children got, like, missing and her car stolen. Oh. So the police...

They hit the plates. Oh, the car's been stolen. They pull it over. They showed up guns drawn at the car because they assumed it was a kidnapper. Dude, that's fucking awesome. And the kids get out. And the kids get out and they say, what? And the mom isn't pressing charges. Did it say that in the fucking article? Yeah. Against her own children? Yeah.

Yeah, and the reason they went is because the mom took away the daughter's electronic device. Wow. Yeah, that's justified. Yeah, honestly, that's a little bit tit for tat there, though. You know, it's like you take away my electronic device, I take away your car and your other child. There you go. Yeah, yeah. So this is a daughter's older?

The daughter's 11, the son is 10, but I believe the son was driving. I love that scenario because you know that the daughter got the little brother in on this as a scheme. The little brother's the henchman in this. He's probably pulling... I bet they have phones too, so they're probably navigating somewhere. They probably have Google Maps. They were headed to California. Really? This happened in Florida. Oh. Wow. Did they think they'd...

Get that? Why were they going to California? For what reason were they going to California? No, I just think it's funny. It's like the 11-year-old child is like, we need to go to California. Like, that's the solution. And the 10-year-old was like, yeah. Say love? Yeah, we're going to California. That's a fun little adventure. Have you ever stolen a parent's car, guys? No.

No. No? No. You ever took it out for like a joyride once or twice? Have you done that? Yeah. Oh. Yeah, no, I haven't done that. I don't know. That would be... I feel like that's a thing that happens a lot. Have you guys ever snuck out when you were younger? Yeah, and took the car. Oh. Have you actually snuck out when you were a kid though, Shlod? No. No? No. I was just making that up.

Well, I was just curious because I don't know. I feel like I hear about kids in high school that snuck out and went off to parties. Yeah, dude. I never did that, Chad. They wake up. We're all gamers here. The party was on Skype, dude. They hear a bang on the window. It's a Chad in a varsity jacket. Come out. Come out. Let's go hang. There's a party going on. What? My parents are downstairs. Sneak out through the window, babe. Come on. Oh, man.

Fuck, man. Dude, I was so invested in that. I was so fucking invested in that. You were giving us a whole story. Come on. My dad's got a 70 Chevelle. It's still going. It's still running, man. It's still running. It's running right now. Come on. Come down. Jump out the window. I'll save you. I'll save you.

I'll save you. I'll save you. He switched into the sultry voice there. He's, I'll save you. We're going to go to Zaxby's, babe. We're going to go to Zaxby's. We're going to get the Zax sauce. We're going to go to Zaxby's and get the chicken burgers. We'll go to Zaxby's and then after we're going to go to Whataburger. And then we're going to go to White Castle, the best restaurant. 24-7 we'll get a crave case for two and then two drinks. Yeah. Babe, I got my letter today. So the party's not even a thing. The party's at Zaxby's. Parties, that's where the party's at. Okay.

Get together at Zach's house. I say Zach's house. It's really just Zaxby's. Then we're going to drive to Canada and go to A&W. Apparently, according to our comments, that's where most A&Ws are. And then we're going to go to California, babe. We're going to California all the way there. Why are we going to so many restaurants? We're going to every one. We got to figure out which one's the best. Because I watched the Chuckle Sandwich podcast and it got me so confused. Somebody's got to make a movie about that.

Somebody's got to make a movie about what we just did there. That was awesome. Young love. Wow. So, Tucker, what's in the news lately, man? I think, have you guys heard of the Mexican alien mummies? Yeah. Yeah, the guys made out of paper. Are they sure as hell look like it? What about them? Mummies? Have you not seen this, Ted? Which type of mummies? Aliens. Aliens. The little gray aliens. Right, the Mexican mummy.

Alien mummy. The one in Mexico. Yeah, they like showed it to the Mexican Congress. The one they showed to the Congress in Mexico. Yeah, the Mexican mummy. Yeah, yeah. Alien mummy. Yeah. What's wrong with... What's going on right now? So what's his name? They were made from llama skulls. Okay, we're just gonna move on. Wait, no, I want to hear about this mummy.

Well, it's more like such a big thing. I just kind of wanted to know your take on it. I mean, I kind of just saw it. I kind of was like, oh, they're showing it. And then they had them in the cases and stuff. But I wasn't really looking into it too much. I wasn't doing any reading about it. I was just like, oh. And I was like, oh, that's probably fake. That seems a little bit. I mean, granted, my experience with mummies that are supposedly aliens. I've seen one of those close up. And it was called The Thing.

Oh, yeah, the thing. And so I've seen one of those already, and I've kind of gone through that whole sort of wonder process and then seeing it and being like, oh, that's like a papier-mâché doll, isn't it? Yeah. Okay, that's kind of weird. You said that they were, is this true what Schatz said, Tucker? Are they llama skulls? I don't know. Llama skulls. Yeah, that's what I heard. Llama skulls, that sounds really. Were they? They were? Well, they weren't fucking aliens, I can tell you that.

Anything is more believable than they were actual aliens. We'd be hearing about that a lot more. Yeah, no, llama skulls is pretty crazy. I mean, granted, if you'd never seen a llama before, you could have been like, that's intelligent life that's here to take my soul, right? Maybe. But then they took the skull and crafted some fucking figure around it. Imagine being killed in the...

He took away that fucking llama's identity. Yeah. They did some fucking unholy shit to that llama's skull and the memory of that llama. I wouldn't want somebody to take my skull out of my grave and then try to pretend that I'm a different beast. I don't want to be told that I'm like a fucking gray man. No, man. No one wants that.

That wouldn't... And also, what was the person who was bringing this shit to the Mexican Congress thinking? Where they were like, they'll never know it's a llama skull. That's the last thing that they would think it is. They're not going to investigate this further. Yeah. Yeah, I feel like it's one of those things. There's like a whole paradox here.

Maybe it's of the Fermi variety, but it's something about the fact that when it comes to thinking about aliens, whether it's displays of aliens in popular culture and movies and whatever, Starfield, there's...

We can't really conceptualize anything beyond what we've experienced. That's why so many aliens have fucking tentacles and shit. But yeah, you know, that's an octopus has tentacles and it's like something we know it's still meant to be alien, but it's like, you know, it's, it's, I feel like people are getting better at it more recently because,

But, you know, if you run around in Starfield, it's like everything's either a form of a dinosaur or crab or like something else. Like it's just and you just add more eyes and you add some scales and then it's like, OK, now that's an alien. But like, I don't think we really know what a fucking real alien would look like because that shit's dealing with different chemicals. It's got an entirely different evolutionary tree.

That'd be crazy, dude. They'd probably be freaky as shit. We definitely wouldn't be able to eat any of them. We might not be able to see them, bro. I heard on Rogan... How do you mean? I heard on Rogan, man, that it took... This is gonna be good. It would have taken billions of years to build those pyramids. Billions? There's some kind of...

secret knowledge that we lost sometime along the way see see the cat understands it too well the fucking it the cat wants to talk about this well he's got an in with the egyptians he's got an in with the egyptians you know they were they honored they honored his his and now you know why and now you know why because your cat's gonna fucking kick your ass dude my cat is awesome

I love that cat. That cat's gone for your throat three times on this podcast. He's great. Isn't it awesome? It's like a little killer. This feels sort of like a Stockholm Syndrome kind of scenario. Oh, no, no. No, no, look, look. He's giving Jambo a bath. Look at this. That's great. Okay. He's so sweet. He's so sweet.

Are you okay? Yeah. Blink twice if you're in trouble. I'm not doing that, man. My eyes are closed right now. I'm holding them closed now. I'm okay. Okay. Do we have more news stories? Like, what's going on? So the next news story is about a man. I don't know if you've heard of him. People called him Papa Smurf because he turned blue. Oh, right, because he got a bunch of iron in his diet or something. No, no, no, no. It's not iron. It's...

It has to do with silver. Here, I'll tell you what it is. Oh, he's a silver miner. It's silver chloride. No, he's not a miner or anything. He started taking silver chloride to, like, heal his allergies and ailments. And silver chloride, like, if you get it on your skin in, like, a chemistry class, your skin, it's like permanent ink. But it, like, it takes, like, a long, long time to get rid of.

Let me show you a picture of him. He's blue. He died recently. Oh, he died? He died. One of your news stories is an obituary, Tucker. That's what you've brought us. Oh, wow. Holy shit. Wow, that's so exciting. He's definitely blue. I don't want to look at that. Don't call him a vat.

Don't call him a bad dude. Don't give him an it. I'm sorry. He looked fucked. What do I want to watch that for? Yeah, I guess that's fair. I want to tune in for that. Grotesque. He continued to use silver chloride up until his death, though. He refused to get off of it. What do you mean use? He would take it like a supplement. That's not something people normally do, surely. No. He turned blue. No. He turned blue.

Yeah, that's pretty freaky that it got into his fucking skin to the point where the dude was like, it wasn't even just like he had patches of blue, the dude was like, he was fully blue. He was blue. Yeah. He was blue. Audio listeners love you to death. The guy was blue.

Imagine a man with, and he's blue, you know, that's as good as I could do. He was real. He was real. And his, you know, his hair wasn't blue though. It was like, it was very much so white. He looked like Chris Kringle. Tried and true. Papa Smurf for sure. Because the hair was coming out like white and it was...

Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no. He was freaky, man. That was freaky, Tucker. Okay. So a little more. Rest in peace, I guess, though, right? Rest in peace. What did he die from? Rest in peace. Probably the silver chloride. Can I make a guess? No, he had a few different cancers. Oh. Oh. That probably did it. Anything related that could have been caused by silver chloride? I don't think so. No, you don't?

He had pneumonia and a severe stroke in 2013, along with prostate cancer. That tracks. But apparently it wasn't related to the silver, which is apparently for sale in the UK as a cosmetic product. But I guess he was overdosing. You know, he definitely was overdosing on it. At least he wasn't yellow. You know, at least he wasn't a Simpsons character. Because then that would mean that he is jaundice.

So I'm going to give you a little bit more culturally relevant. This one was that they have genetic material from Harambe so that they can impregnate future female gorillas. With Harambe? With Harambe's, you know. Seed.

Rich people do that. So they can bring back the son of Harambe? They can bring back reality. Harambe. Like they can bring back... Like if it's... Harambe's genetic... Are we talking about making a clone of Harambe? No, no, no. Do they have a jar of Harambe's cum? Yeah. Oh.

Oh, okay. So, yeah, it would be Harambe's kid. To be completely honest with you, I feel like that's what they do in zoology. I think that they do a little bit of cum collection. You think there's someone who's got to jerk off the animal? It's like, oh, I'm on, I got to, they call it something so it doesn't sound like you're jerking off the animal.

I gotta go harvest. I gotta go harvest. I gotta go encourage Harambe in the... Yeah. You just gotta jerk him off. That would suck. Yeah, I don't know. I feel like, especially in the case of other sort of similar to human animals, I probably wouldn't want to be getting... Especially ones that can lift a truck. I definitely wouldn't want to get in the same cage as one just for the sole purpose of getting him horny. I just don't...

think that that would work out in anyone's favor maybe except for the gorilla i'm sure the gorilla would be having a great time oh yeah that's why i mean maybe despite the gorilla i don't think anyone would be happy especially the people visiting the zoo maybe you could do like a glory hole situation how do you convince how do you convince the gorilla to put his little wiener through the world

Do gorillas have bones in their cocks, Tucker? No. No. A lot of animals have bones in their cocks. No, not gorillas. Not great apes. Not great apes? No. Dude, great apes, man. I love that. A lot of rich people save their cum. They save their cum. I guarantee you there's a couple jars of Walt Disney sperm somewhere just sitting ready to impregnate someone when the time comes.

Guarantee it. It's somewhere in some freezer. Frozen. Walt Disney. I bet Bill Gates has been prepping for that. I bet Elon Musk has vats of his cum somewhere. Of all people, Elon Musk is absolutely saving his cum. He's saving every part of his genetic material. He's probably got jars of his fucking nail clipping somewhere. Yeah, man. Jeff Bezos definitely got some cum somewhere saved.

In case. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And then he'll be showing someone around his house and they'll say, is that a temperature controlled bottle of cum over there? And they'll go, hell yeah. Hell yes. Another pint of cum, Mr. Bezos? Hell yes. Another injection from your blood boy, Mr. Bezos? Hell yeah. Another milking session, Mr. Bezos? Gross.

You got any news in there about blood boys lately? Blood boys? Yeah, blood boys. Like little blood boys. I don't know what that is. I was about to give you a headline related to what you're talking about. It's like a boy meant for giving the... They do transfusions for billionaires to give them fresh blood. Oh, we talked about this. With like a Game Boy Advance link cable. Yeah, exactly. Like a Game Boy Advance link cable. That's such a really good way to put it.

We talked about this during Chuckle Week, I think. We did, and I don't know if you gave us enough information about the Blood Boys. Surely that's got to be in the news. They've got to be talking about that. They probably keep that under wraps, man. I'm not even going to lie. It's...

There's that billionaire that keeps himself young with like some weird shit. Yeah, the 40-year-old dude that looks like he's 65. But he's like, I've never felt, I've got the body of an 18-year-old. Yeah, supposedly he ages twice as slowly as everyone else. But he looks like twice as worse. He looks like his body creaks like the floors of a haunted house when he moves is what he looks like. Do you know what? He's like embracing the meme though.

People are like... Is he? Yeah, yeah. People are like, dude, you look terrifying. Like, if I was... If I saw you in a subway station late at night, I'd start running. And the guy responds like...

Well, that's unlucky for you because I have twice the amount of lung capacity that you do. He responds with more running facts about... He's like, I can run two marathons if I wanted to. I could run for seven days. Yeah. Yeah. Are you talking about Brian Johnson? Yeah, probably. Yeah, that's in Texas too, dude. Oh, come on. It's in Texas? I bet it's in... Is it in Austin? Probably in Austin, yeah. No, it's Dallas. Dallas.

- Oh, gross. Who's going to Dallas? Dallas is like an empty town. - No, not true. There's a lot of people. - Houston's an empty town. - Houston is the empty one. - Yeah, Tucker and I have been through Houston. Dude, Tucker, remember when you and I went through Houston on our road trip? - Oh yeah, that was creepy. - We were walking through a ghost town. We're talking like, Tucker and I in 2016. I think what we determined was that there was a baseball game going on, but a baseball game going on should not be enough to empty a city. - You would never even know that, boss.

Yeah. We could walk in another street. Oh, you would know. You would know. It was kind of a question for us. Like, we could walk across it. We were jaywalking left and right. We saw maybe three cars. Houston was empty. I don't know what was going on. Yeah, they had the whole city on fucking cheating duty. So they were all at the stadium hitting trash bins. What? What does that mean? Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Oh, okay. Just don't worry about it. I won't. I'll keep it close to my heart, close to my chest. Yeah.

So, Tucker, is there another interesting thing in the news? Here's the headline for you. Florida woman borrows alligator and keeps it in hotel bathtub. It's a rental. Yeah, it's a rental, and there's no cleaning fee, unlike Airbnb.

Yeah, dude. And also, that feels like a pretty regular Florida thing to do. She was arrested for it. He was what? She was arrested. Why? Oh, what? Why? It would be funny if she was arrested for taking the alligator, but not for putting it in the hotel. What was she arrested for?

Both. Taking the alligator and then putting it in the hotel. It's like a kind of a two-part crime. Like you need to hit Phil both prerequisites for them to be able to show up to your doorstep and arrest you. Yeah, she got arrested for stealing it, not necessarily for putting it in the hotel. Man, the hotel must have been mad. I guess you really have to have a law against that. It's like, you know, I mean, I feel like the stealing... Wait, stealing it from where? The world?

Well, I don't think you're allowed to possess alligators or transport them or alligator skins. So it's like an animal thing. They don't have that for most animals. You can take most of them. You can't own any part of a bald eagle. You have the feathers, even if you just found it. Not even the friendship of one? No. That's actually kind of upsetting for me. You could do that with squirrels and

Other random falcons and birds, probably. Yeah. I mean, fucking Mark Rober. Yeah. Fucking turns them into his little circus pets all the time. You just fuck with some seed out. Awesome.

Yeah, squirrels seem like the kind of animal that would be more often a pet, but they're not. Why do you think that is? Tucker, you got any information on squirrels on the back of your head? Well, it's kind of like a game animal. People hunt squirrels in almost every state. Really? What were you going to say, Shalane? They're rodents and gross. Yeah, but people have other types of rodents. They've got hamsters. Yeah, I don't agree with that. You don't agree with Charlie's three guinea pigs? No, definitely not.

Mochi and Fern? I think there's actually two. They shouldn't be kept. They shouldn't be kept. You think that... Let them go. You are making an official stance against Charlie's ownership of Mochi and Fern right now? I don't like rodents. The only small, fluffy thing you should be having is a cat.

Yeah. You definitely shouldn't have hamsters because those fucking things will kill themselves before you even do anything. Like if a hamster falls off of a bed, it breaks all the bones in its body. Terrible animal. It's bad. Terrible. It's just a bad animal. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Raccoons, ferrets. Raccoons are kind of sick.

ferrets they're gross raccoons are kind of sick gross and a whole i will stand by this opinion till i am 10 feet under these are just disgusting animals if you've ever seen a fucking video of a raccoon i'm i've never seen a video a raccoon that didn't want that want to make me fucking twist its neck and then bury oh my god uh terrible so okay well at least you give them the respect of burying it like you're just not leaving it on the side of the street i wouldn't throw it or i wouldn't throw it on the pavement i'd probably bury it

Yeah. Well, here's the thing. My opinion is whenever I look at a video of a raccoon doing anything, I'm like, that motherfucker's got thoughts. I feel like raccoons are the few animals that I would be like, yeah, that thing's got a soul.

No, there's nothing going on. I don't think a Venus flytrap has a soul. Definitely not. Nobody's making the argument that a Venus flytrap... Tucker, you've got to stop making that face because now I feel like you think that Venus flytrap's got a soul. No, I don't think it has a soul. Why are you talking about a plant? Carnivorous plant. We went to the plant store nearby me and they had Venus flytraps. They're probably illegally harvested. You've got to watch out. There's a serious plant black market.

A lot of people want endangered plants without realizing it and where you think they're getting them. The serious plant poaching, it's like a real problem. It used to happen a lot in the southwest with cactuses and succulents.

Gotta watch out. Gotta watch out. I'll keep an eye out. We gotta watch out for it. And also, this is a message to all our chocolate sandwich listeners. You see a fucking spotted lanternfly, crush that shit. In America. This is for America. Ted, you gotta go to New York City, dude. You'd never leave a square yard. Really? Yeah. I went there for a weekend in July. I probably saw a couple million people.

Well, give the folks listening a rundown, Tucker, of the problem right now in the environment. With the lanternflies? Yeah. The lanternflies are from East Asia.

Are you looking this up, what they look like, Shlatt? Yeah. Yeah, so they have like three stages. The first one is, or three stages that you're going to encounter. The first one's, they're very small, like smaller than your pinky nail, black with white spots. And then there'll be about twice that size. And they're red with black spots, I think, maybe black and white. And then there'll be this like red kind of moth looking, very unique looking flying bug.

And so they like sugary saps and stuff. So for East Coast forests, any of our fruit bearing trees like wild cherry or like sugar maples, we're thinking, you know, it's so new, it's a new problem, so we don't know. But it could be really damaging to the forest, the ecosystem and that species. But economically is a much bigger concern. So upstate New York is one of the biggest vineyard areas

and wine producing areas in the world. So that's a serious concern. And the biggest thing is if they're going to get to California, really. Because California produces so much of the United States fruit. I hope they do. Fruit, wine, oils, everything. So if they get to California, which they're predicted to within like three, four years, they're going to be there. It could be really, really economically damaging. The ecosystem, I think, could have been...

There's a proposed thing that's they're thinking about introducing a wasp from Asia.

Okay, so we're just bringing everything over. That seems like that could be bad. Yeah, they're trying to decide with tests or whatever. A lot of it just comes down to the preference of the person in charge too. Why can't we just make like a neuro agent where we can just get... Well, that sounds way worse than introducing a boss. It's just like a neuro, like a biological warfare sort of gas that we can put in like a bunch of biplanes that we can fly over affected areas that like...

Because I've got this, you know, when I get ants, I got this little spray I put around and it's kind of like a neurotoxin is what I looked into. No, I did genuine research into what this shit was that I was using to keep the ants out because I've, like a psychopath, I've watched some ants walk over it and then watch them kind of like fall to their death.

And it's like a neurotoxin that basically makes all of the muscles in the ant like kind of spasm at once until it suffocates and dies. So like why can't we like get a bunch of that and put it in like a plane and like spray it. Just spray the entire East Coast with this stuff.

It's a great idea. A whole blanket. It's really easy to make something like that that kills a bug, but it's hard to make one that only kills one bug. It's like weed killer. It's very hard to make a weed killer that doesn't kill all plants. Oh, no. Oh, no. Another bug died as a result.

Well, there are some helpful bugs. Like what? Like the bumblebee. Bumblebee. Like the honeybees. Honeybees are invasive. Listen, you get some of those. If they die, there's some in California. You just ship them back. I don't know. Well, maybe I shouldn't say invasive. They're non-native. I'm trying to get those spotted lanternflies to California. Stat. I'm trying to ruin the economy. Well, yeah, the spotted lanternflies come from Asia, I believe. They're in Asia. Yeah.

box them up in little cardboard boxes and send them around to Bakersfield and San Francisco. They're not going to just sit still, though. That's why I think they're hard to kill, right? They just never really fly. Well, for the first two stages, they can only jump and walk. But if you go to hit them, they will jump out of the way. It's kind of tricky.

I killed hundreds of them when I was in New York, but it's a losing battle. They're literally everywhere. Every single sidewalk square, every single tree in the park. Like, no, that's not an exaggeration. Because they just don't have any competition? Well, Manhattan, which is where I was at, is a destroyed ecosystem. And the worse the ecosystem is, the more likely it is to be a space for invasives to thrive because there are no checks and balances anymore.

The more well-rounded your ecosystem is, it's way harder for invasives to get a foothold in there. I think that's cool as fuck. I think we need to bring the wasp over. That's fucking cool. Admit it. Admit it. That's fucking cool. When I hear a wasp,

And I specifically hear like Asian wasps. I'm thinking of all those other fucking types of Asian wasps that are like one sting from it will give you cancer. That's fucking sick, though. Can you imagine? We're breaking guys. You're getting cancer from a wasp sting? Yeah. Our economy. Dude, this moth species has infiltrated society. How do you pronounce moth like that? What? Moth. Moth.

What are you talking about? You said it like a creature. You said it like an elder, like a storyteller from ancient Rome. Moth. Moth. The first way you said it, you were like, moth. No, I didn't. Like it was the name of a villain. I didn't say it weird. It's Duke Moth.

Moth? There's a moth species. I just had some, I had like a sort of eternal reaction to the way you said that. I don't understand. But listen, I'm giving a speech as like, I'm like Bill de Blasio or whoever the fuck is in charge in New York City at this point. Ocho, Kathy. Don't care. Me neither. Bill de Blasio, we used to call him. Because he fucking, fucking bastard. Hell yeah. That's what we'd all say. Bill de Blasio. Fucking dimwit.

Okay. You were just starting. Oh, fuck. No, no, no. I'm like the comptroller. Yeah, we were both ready and waiting for you to continue on this rant. It's like, hey, is this thing on? There's an invasive moth species that's wreaking havoc across Manhattan Island. We need to... There's no... Listen, guys, there's no good option for dealing with this. Yeah, we got to get these moths. But we think the best option...

There's this wasp from China. There's this killer wasp from China.

So these bugs came over and they're fucking everything up. So we got to bring in another one. And this one might attack you too. Yeah, but it's the only... If you piss it off enough, it might sting you as well. But trust us, it's going to be great. This is the best way to deal with these lanternflies. We bring in this killer wasp and we just let it loose and we see what happens, you know? Yeah. Just don't... If you see one, just like cross the street.

Tucker, what are the stats on this wasp? Can I get some wasp stats? What's the KD? What's its acceleration, its drift capabilities? Is it like the sponge wheel of wasps? I don't know anything off the top of my head, but let me look it up for you. Yeah, and put it in Mario Kart terms for me, please. Okay. Thank you. Fucking wasps. Moths. It's probably the New York part of it, is your moths. Moth? Moth. Moth.

What's wrong with that? Moth. Moth. Yeah, I guess what I was realizing now in hindsight is that you were giving it a New York. You were saying it in an accent. Yeah, you were saying it with a New York accent. And I was like, it shocked me for some reason. You got to get rid of these moths. Okay, that's not even...

You're not even saying the word anymore. You're talking about it like it's mozzarella now. What are we supposed to do about these mots? What are we supposed to do about these mots? It's like matzo balls now is what you're getting closer to. People get upset at the way I say mots. Mozzarella? Mozzarella? Antipasti. We grew up calling it mots. Yeah. Fresh mots.

Dude, I saw this really great TikTok from this one lady, and she was doing, like, this really excellent New York accent. Like, she was, like, a New York mom. Are they from the area? Oh, they must be. Like, the way that they're... It's, like, one of those things where it's, like, if you have a parent that's from a certain area, you can, like, generally do their accent, and they're, like... Yeah, of course. Like, I don't know if you've ever seen the woman that does, like, the German mom, where she's, like, where she's, like, Laura.

You got to grow up with the German mom. I love those videos, dude. I love those fucking videos. Those are a blast for me to watch. And it's pretty low. It's lower content. It's like I'm scrolling and I'm like, but I like it. It's fine. It's fine. Thank you. Thank you for accepting me for that. How does an Italian burn 25,000 calories in a day? They don't go to the bodega? No. No.

They leave the lasagna in the oven for too long. How you doing? There you go. There it is. There you go. Oh, yeah. How you doing? Tucker, give me the stats on this killer wasp. Okay, so what they want to do, it's a parasitic wasp. It's parasitic? Yeah. Parasitic wasps. Yeah, that's most denominations in this country.

So they essentially want a blue shell. That's their goal is a blue shell because it's going to go right for the lanternfly, the spotted lanternfly. We have a lot of different lanternflies in North America that are native and good.

But they're afraid it could be like a triple green shell where it's kind of just going all over and killing anything. Right. That's a good way to put it. If it is a triple green shell, they're not going to release it. And when they've done this in a lot of different countries... A triple green shell or a fucking lightning bolt, maybe even. Yeah. But forever. Exactly. When they've done this in other countries, it's called bioengineering. It's never worked.

So, because like, we released mongooses in one place to work on rats, but then they just ended up eating everything. And they released, I think...

So why are they even considering it right now? Because it seems like if it never works, and I feel like there's so much, like we don't know everything. So like what right do we have to like, we're already fucking shit up right now with them landflies being there. And like we don't know everything about the interconnectedness of that ecosystem. And like we surely don't know everything about any of these animals. Like there's going to be something that we're going to miss. So like why would they be like,

Let's add another player to the scenario. That doesn't make any sense to me. Well, you're looking at economic devastation and food chain collapse in America. But then... I know, but that's like... Would you rather...

Would you rather have economic devastation in maybe five to six, seven years, or would you rather make it be worse, potentially? You could fix it, but maybe worse, and also the strategy that we're doing never worked before, by the way. We've tried it, and it never worked.

So it's like a would you rather have unlimited lanternflies and no food or food but no food. Or maybe it would be like unlimited lanternflies but no food or lanternflies and wasps but no food. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's just so cool. Like let's just bring the wasp in.

Yeah. That's cool, bro. Maybe you should walk down. Who was making the, where did, where did we go? If we want to like pause it, like a deposit of an opinion for this Tucker. A what? Like an opinion, like on this.

Who do you go to? Yeah, like, yeah. What senator do you call? You know, like, what representative? Well, I would assume you'd call your senator or your representative. I know, but is, like, every senator talking about this? You think our senators are talking about this? This is way too important. Our senators are talking about should that dude wear the suit or not. Tucker, you're talking about, you're our resident environmental scientist here, so who are we going to? Who are we going to?

Dude, I wish I had somebody to say. Environmental science is one of the most upsetting and disappointing things you can study. Yeah, I feel like you get kind of upset about that stuff in the first place. So you studying this, I feel like you're just getting bummed out going to school right now. Dude, some days are a bummer because it's just like, oh my God. We're fucked.

Yeah. It's fine, dude. We'll be on another planet soon. We'll be harvesting resources soon. Oh, yeah. Speaking of Elon Musk, I was going to bring up his dad. I got a good story for you. Elon, Mr. Mr. Musk, senior. This is a this is a headline from the New York Post from today. Oh, no, no. This this headlines of him today. It's just today.

Elon Musk's dad, 76, ready to donate sperm to high-class women. Why not? There it is. I'm telling you, man. This is an article? Every rich person considers this. Every rich person. Me included, man. I got some fucking jars in the fridge. His quote is, why not? The only thing we are on earth for is to reproduce. It's true. Damn. It's true, man. Wow.

I'd say that's a pretty good quote. The posthumous paste. That'll be on his fucking headstone. Yeah, just why not? Will my sperm be reared, man? That's it. Well, apparently women in South Africa are taking him up on it. That'll be on my grave. It'll be why not, and there'll be a soap dispenser at the top. Mm-hmm.

You can fill in the lines there. Intense cum will come out of the soap dispenser. Yes, yes, yes, exactly. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you seem excited. Your cum comes out like Purell. And a hologram, because this is when holograms are a thing. Holograms come out and I'll go like this.

Oh my God, he's doing the fucking dance again. He's doing the fucking dance again. Yeah, it's kind of a different dance every time, but yeah. I think we're pretty much out of time now. I think one last thing before you guys wrap it up is you guys should just do a quick chat about the A to Z tier list.

on r slash chuckle sandwich oh yeah thank you for reminding me about that Tucker is that done? it is done they're moving on to a new thing so for those of you out there that don't know but maybe want to get involved we got a great thing going on on the chuckle sandwich reddit right now I'm always looking at the chuckle sandwich reddit I don't know about you I got the app so I'm always there most of the people who are on the chuckle sandwich reddit also know that I'm always looking at the posts some people will just say hi to me they'll make a post and they'll be like hey dad

And I don't respond because I don't want to give them the satisfaction. But basically, the Chuckle Sandwich listeners, they have been over on the Reddit, have been making a sort of list of various A to Z. And they'll choose a quote that begins with each of those letters of the alphabet. So we've got our list right here. So we might as well celebrate them and maybe read them off. Okay. Shall we, Slat? Yeah, sure. Sure.

Yeah. Yeah. A. Audio listeners, love you to death. Beef bulgogi. Cut and dry, baby. Don't Google Mr. Hands. Eat them claw Washington. I had a double. I had a back to back. Favorite puppy. Grimbley. Tucker. You can't stop my platinum cock, Mario. I'm the King Koopa.

This one's a Charlie one where he says, I genuinely want you so badly. And then I thought that that was all he was going to say. And then he was just like coming on to me in that moment. Oh. Jim Lyon. Mm.

of the D&D episode. I think this one is just generally Keith was him being a racist. He was a racist. Was like his main sort of villainous point on that episode. For L, obviously my favorite Terminator 2 quote, living flesh over metal endoskeleton. Oh, yeah. Biocock.

Then we've got the sort of neutral Markiplier episode, which, yikes, yikes. Then we've got Nuclear. This one fucking pisses me off. I don't even want to talk about that. October 23rd, 2025 is when you're going to die.

I really fucking hope that I don't. I really hope that I don't die. You might. That's like a fucking two years away. You know what, man? That's almost exactly two years away. Maybe it's something you just got to put in your pipe and smoke. Because that's the better thing. Maybe I will while my member quivers, my quivering member. Yep. Q. Ramps. Yep.

You got a lot of these in a row. There you go. This one's a Charlie one. That's a Scott play my music. And then this one is, I don't know who said this one first. I think this was kind of like a general thing we started both doing, but Tucker haters. Fuck you. Fuck you. Tucker haters. Schlatt, take it away, baby. Oh yeah. And of course for you, it's the unlimited bacon question. So I'm not, listen, I'm not going to pose the full question. We all know it. We all know.

And then Visual Meter for V. Two Machinima Respawn references in a row. Yeah, that one probably broke us more than the Unlimited Bacon one. We were like, what the fuck are you talking about, man? Have you ever heard that one, Tucker? This was before your time.

That was during Chuckle Week, was it not? Visual meter? No, this was the beginning of an episode. It was the first thing you said at the beginning of the episode. You were like, do you ever think aliens have a visual meter? Yeah, that you can see how close you are to coming. Right.

- Oh, right, yeah, no, that visual thing became the topic of that whole episode. This was, W here was in response to Minx explaining their story about them getting a car crash. - Right, why did they bring you back? - Yeah, and they resuscitated them. This next one is definitely Schlatz. I don't know the rest of that. - You're just kind of a nuisance.

And then the last one I think is a reference to something you may have said, the Zambla Gam. What the fuck is Zambla Gam? I don't know what Zambla Gam is. Somebody was saying that it was like a medicine or something. I don't know. Not one I've taken. I've taken Sildenafil and Tadalafil. Oh. Neither help my affliction.

But yeah, thanks for the person that, I guess I should say the username of the person that was underscore demise underscore. Demise with a one for the I. And they were running it the whole time and they were just sticking to it the whole time, which was pretty cool.

But yeah, if you want to, there's stuff like that happening always in the Chuckle Sandwich subreddit. So go over there and check it out if you, if it was a cool thing to watch. Because that was something I would do, I don't know about either the two of you, but I would kind of check in every day and see what I was like, oh, what are they up to? What are they doing for today? And then I would look and see what the next one was. So it kept me entertained the last 26 days. But yeah, I think that that's all we've got for today's episode. Shalette, you want to sign us off? Bye everybody. Bye everybody.

Bye, everybody. Bye. Bye-bye. See you next time. Bye-bye. See ya. I'm not done. Bye, everybody. I'm not done. Bye, everyone. You want to switch hands? You want to switch hands? Come on. Come on. Bye, everybody. Bye. See ya. See ya. Whoa. Laters. Laters. I'm not done with the pod. What are you talking about? We're saying bye. Woo-hoo!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.