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This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. Oh, s***. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock. Well, well, well, Schlatt.
Ted, you're a good friend of mine and I respect you a lot. Really? Yeah. Yeah, surprisingly. But, oh my God, you look really dumb. What are you talking about? You look really dumb. What are you even wearing? I'm wearing, well...
I was going to the gym. I was trying to live a healthy, hip, and trendy lifestyle. And I may or may not have pulled my little neck. Bro, you already look dumb. You don't have to sound dumb for the audio listeners, too. Listen to you, man. What is it?
And I may or may not have pulled my little wee little neck. You pulled your neck? While doing some shoulder presses. I was going like this at the gym and I was pushing weight. Yeah. And I could feel it and I felt it. I was like, okay, my neck's fucked. And I packed up my shit and I left the gym and I had to bike back. Remember how I'm biking to the gym? Oh, yeah. You've been biking. So I can't look around. I'm like, bike's moving left and right across the road. I'm aching and stuff. Okay.
And so I ordered these, I door dashed this from CVS. And the dude's like, he's like, hope you feel better, man. And then he was like, this is for you? And I felt so shitty about it and felt kind of a little bit embarrassed. And I said, oh, no, no, it's for someone else. And I come back inside. Ted, would you rather have a functioning neck or look like a fucking idiot?
Look like a fucking idiot any day of the week, baby. Okay. All right. Sure. Sure. Sure. Tucker, what about you? Functioning neck. I picked the neck. I picked the neck. I picked the neck. Today, we're doing more of them classic would-you-rathers here on the Chuckle Sandwich. This time, you guys submitted them on speakpipe.com slash chucklesandwich. Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich, baby. What do you guys want to do during the intro music this time? Shut up, Tucker. We're waiting for the intro.
It's kind of rude to talk during it. They can hear it during the intro. Now we're just talking over the intro. This is really awkward. Yeah, this is awkward. Yeah, that is. You should probably just... Yeah. Welcome, everyone. Welcome, everyone, to another episode. We don't have to keep doing the voice the whole time, bro. No, no. Welcome, everyone, to another episode of Chuckle Sandwich. We're so happy to be here today. Come on, come on. I think I turn into like a medieval aristocrat once I have this thing on. I'm like... Off with their neck.
How much grain today? How many piles of bullion do we have in the keep today? Squire? Cherub? Not enough. Let me tell you, not enough. Not enough. Because we still got to keep doing this.
Oh, yeah. Not enough. We got to build the Chuckle Fund. And the Chuckle Fund is a trust fund that only goes to us and will be sent to the moon when we die. Ain't going to Tucker. Ain't going to Tucker. Listen, I got a hot take, okay? Are you about to say you're old? My kids get none of my money.
Okay, they got to earn it just as hard as I had to earn mine. You know, money ain't easy to come by. Yeah. I'm not just going to give my kids all my shit. That'd be fucking pointless. Yeah. You could take it a step further and make them earn their food. Yeah. Why not? Turn your whole house into like a big hamster wheel.
You know those hamster mazes? Of course. Turn your whole house into a big plastic hamster maze and they got to do tricks. Turn your whole house into a Mark Rober squirrel maze. Yeah. Octopus maze. Or octopus maze. Octopus maze. Son, did you finish your Schlatt and Ted moments I can't live without compilation five? Did you finish editing that? Because if not...
I'm not door dashing you anything tonight. You wouldn't even make. You're not. Look at how you're including the fact you're not going to be making the food. It's going to be door dashed. We're going to do Uber Eats if this isn't finished. And you know we don't have the dash pass on that. So that's coming out of your paycheck. And you're going to have to tip them in cash. Would you rather have four kids and no money or...
No kids. No kids and for money. Oh, I'd probably go for for money. Honestly, sometimes I've thought about it. I've thought about it because I've been seeing, I'll see posts where people are like, yeah, we don't, we didn't have any kids. And it's just like you and whoever your life partner is. And they, and the people who don't end up having kids live fancily.
Fantastical lives in comparison. Yeah, they're called dinks. They call themselves dinks. No, they don't. No, you made that up. Yeah, they do. Yeah, they do. No, I'm not. I'm not joking. I'm not joking you. D-I-N-K. Dual income, no kids. Dual income, no kids. Dinks. Dual income, no kids. Dinks. Wow. Dinks.
I saw a TikTok earlier today that was just these two people going like back and forth and they were just like, we're dinks. We buy whatever we want at Costco. We're dinks. It does sound really fucking nice. We have so much fun whenever we want. It does sound really... Oh, my parents are dinks. No, they're not. No, they're not. MP Nesters.
That's a totally different thing. Yeah, after the children have grown up and moved out, couples may become part of the dual income no kids demographic again. Hang on, but that's not real. They're not real dinks. They're not real. They're empty nesters. That's what it is. They're wannabe dinks. Exactly. They wanna be dinks. Whoa, what's this long one?
What? You got double income, no kids with dogs and cats. With dogs and cats. Also known as dink with dats. We're dink with dats. That is like, you know, there is an expense in having a dog or a cat. Yeah, but not as much as a kid. You don't have to send a fucking cat to college. I mean, you could. You could. You don't have to send a kid to college. I mean, yeah, you could if you want. And sometimes you got to send a dog to doggy daycare.
Doggy daycare. That's true. That's true. Because dogs need to figure out how to act, whereas cats kind of know. Yeah. Although my friend, they got a cat recently. They got a little kitten, and that thing likes to just get litter everywhere. They like to go in the litter box and then sprint out of it, and then it just sprays litter everywhere.
Yeah, my cat, my second cat who was street raised, he has problems with the litter too, but he still shits in the litter. He just walks away afterwards. Yeah, this cat was also a rescue. I think it was from the streets as well. Yeah, yeah. And Jambo just kind of, Jambo knows once he's left that that's his turn to go in and he'll go in and cover his shit up.
He's like, he's like, yeah, he's kind of like, uh, what is, what's the word for it? He's like a trust fund cat. And so I'm like, Oh dude, he's so spoiled, but he knows because you know, the black cat always licks him. Totally not gives him some grooming, totally unrequited to Jambo does not like licking him that much, but the black guy will just lick all day.
Oh, yeah. It was probably a better... Let's do the would you rathers. Tucker, play us the first would you rathers. You guys sent these in on SpeakPipe. This is the first would you rather combo
Okay, we're going to start with Tristan.
All right, Tristan, tell us what you got. What's going on, Ted, Schlatt, and Tucker? I am a big fan of the podcast. My name is Tristan. I'm actually an OG audio listener. I've been listening since episode one, baby. Love you to death. But just real quick, Ted and Schlatt, if you would join me in this real quick. All the Tucker haters out there. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Go fuck yourselves. Fuck you, bitch. I ain't gonna deal with that shit.
All right, guys. So instead of asking one major question for the three of you, I figured I'd ask a question individually for each and every one of you. So Ted, would you rather direct another Lovejoy video or just another music video in general or get to team up with another major movie company brand or film company, Universal, etc.?
I would probably do another music video for Lovejoy because while it was cool teaming up with Universal for my Universal 30 days thing, it was like the- You were pretty stressed. Yeah. No, you remember that. Yeah. I was really stressed during it. And those types of brands, those really high tier brands like that can be-
little strict on like certain stuff and there's like the whole process of days like in your it'd be kind of can become doing that video kind of becomes your life and With less kind of with more creative boundaries I think to it whereas like doing a lovejoy video It's like I kind of just tell Wilbur what I think the song sounds like and explain what I want to do and he's like I
All right. And then we do it. Yeah. The sponsors, any, any opportunity I get to work, not in the music video or like actual production field, but like in the sponsor, Hey, this is working with a brain type of thing. It's always the more freedom you get, the better and the less stress you'll be. It was a really cool video to do though. I think it was like a cool thing on the resume, but I think if I had to choose, you know,
Yeah. I mean, dude, I did a stream for Clash of Clans last night. And I mean, it's a mobile game and they just kind of let you do whatever you want. My chat was just making cock jokes the whole night because Clash of Clans is COC. The first thing I said on the stream was, so here's my cock. They were totally fine with it. That was the one joke the whole stream.
Your chat was also kept saying "cumpy". I have no idea what "cumpy" means. Well, so Shlat, Tucker and I were actually, we were both individually streaming Raft and Shlat rated me and then the whole chat just started saying "cumpy" and then it started becoming like a joke on our stream where there was like this bird that was dropping rocks on us and we kept saying that we were getting "cumpied" on. So...
Yeah, I don't know what Compy is. At the very least, it represents it on Twitch. There's a free-flowing mode of ideas, and the Compy is everywhere. Fair enough. What was my question? Here we go. Would you rather get to play PUBG with the Chuckle Sandwich crew, or would you rather play Fortnite with the Sleep Deprived crew?
You can't ask me that in the company of the Chuckle Sandwich crew. What is this? That's a way ruder question to ask you than what I got. I got like, Ted, would you rather tell me about your passions? How do you discern your passions? It's like, and then it's like, Schlatt, choose friend group one or friend group two. Hey, look, I mean, can I be honest, Ted? We won't be offended. You're not going to be offended? No.
Okay. Okay. Here goes. I'd rather play Fortnite with sleep deprived. Fuck this guy. It's okay. It's okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'd rather do it. I'd rather do it. I've known those guys for, I mean... You haven't known them very long. Like eight years almost. It's fair. It's fair. How long have I known you for? I've known you since...
must have been four yeah four years i'd say i've got half i've got half your time you're half of what they are to me that's crazy we've known each other for four years it's almost yeah no it's coming on five now i think it's a while we both looked a lot younger back in the day we did we did yeah totally did wow you're right no it is coming on five yeah fuck shit fuck 2024.
That one sounds like a weird one. Like 2023 made sense. 2022 made sense. Maybe this is what they say every year. I feel like it's still in 2016. Yeah, they probably do say that every year. Yeah. 2025 is going to be crazy. I'm not ready for that. I feel like the 2024, like it's one of those things where when we're, these numbers are numbers that I saw movies when I was a kid where they would be like in the year 2024 and it's like the apocalypse is happening or something. Yeah. Yeah.
Go to your happy place for a happy price. Go to your happy price, Priceline.
Is there any other would rather in there for you, Tucker, at all? There is, yeah. And Tucker, would you rather have to watch your parents have sex over and over again or join in once? I know you remember that question.
But Tucker wasn't on the podcast at that point in time. So wink, wink. Okay, boys. Wait, what was the other answer? Questions and enjoy. Thank you for everything you do or join in once to make it stop. Chocolate sandwich Supreme, baby. Thank you. Joe Rogan. All right. Thank you, Tristan. Appreciate you calling in Tristan. So what are you going to do, Tucker?
Dude, I'm kind of pissed that he gave you guys really normal questions. Well, it's sort of a baptizing sort of question for you. It is. We're hazing you right now. Well, I think I would rather watch. Not because I want to watch, but because my parents are divorced. So just for the drama of it, you know? Oh, okay. Yeah, you know? Should be a little reality television show. I'd be texting my stepmom and be like, you won't believe what I'm watching right now.
You're missing a part to it, Tucker, though. You have to watch them every night. Yeah. Okay. What are you talking about? Are you implying that you're a join-in guy? I'm just saying. For the rest of my life? That's 365 days a year. That's every night the fucking alarm goes off and you're like, they're going to fuck and I have to watch. You got to go up there with what? Are you going up there with popcorn, some binoculars or something, Tucker? Yeah.
I'd be going up there with a sweet and savory. I'd be going up there with a Red Bull. I'd be like, all right, Dad, let's see what you got. Let's see what you got. Make bets on how many pumps he's got. That was faster than yesterday. Yeah, you're having an after-match little meeting after. He holds a press conference. You're the only reporter. Yeah. Taking notes over there. Yeah. I'm flipping through. I'm like, all right, last week you pulled that move. She didn't like it.
All right. All right. What's next? What do we got next on the... Next is Harper. Here we go. I'm taking this thing off. I'm getting hot in here. What's up, boys? Me and my buddy Rami are connoisseurs of hypotheticals and would you rather. So pardon the format of this delivery. Here's the hypothetical.
You have the opportunity to meet your soulmate, but on the condition that before you meet the other person, you have to fully consume an entire tree, roots and all, or a whole baby. With the added condition that whichever you do not eat, your soulmate has to eat the other. You can take as long as you want to eat whichever you choose, but you do not get to meet one another until both of you have finished. Yeah. Yeah.
What kind of drugs do you have to be on to come up with the question? What sort of deep fucking K-hole do you have to be down inside swirling around at the bottom of the fucking toilet bowl to be? Yeah. For me, it's a question of which one is more fun to eat, a baby or a tree? Tucker, what's the smallest tree? Dude, for me, it's not what's the smallest tree. I think it's what's like the most rare tree, you know?
Like a Joshua tree? That's actually a grass. Joshua trees are grass? Yeah. Same with palm trees. Yeah. That makes no fucking sense at all. I'm sorry? How do you call, how is that a, how is that grass? That's a, that's, it's a tree. There's no wood. Yeah. Doesn't have any wood in it? No, there's no rings. Because there's no wood. Same thing with a palm tree. Yeah. My family tree is comprised entirely of humans.
Fair. Fair point. Fair point. He's gone. You there, Tucker. How do you respond? Let's stop living in this fantasy land where we call trees grass. How about that? It's like something an angry Republican dad at Thanksgiving might say to you. Tucker, maybe you don't understand your place in the hierarchy before you start talking about grass and trees, huh? I thought you were on my side. I've changed my mind. I've changed my mind.
What was the... Okay, so if there's a rare wood you can get is there's a... I think it's like yew wood or something like that. Isn't there like a very rare type of wood that's used in like...
I don't know. It's used in like fragrances and stuff and it grows in like the Southeast Asia or something like that. And a certain type of mold will infect this tree and it will secrete a resin that will sort of... What is it? Oud wood. Yeah. Oud wood. Oud wood. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Maybe I'd eat that. I'd have the most expensive belly.
I have the most. Are you guys so going after like rare trees? I don't know. Because that's where the most satisfaction will come from. Give me a give me a I'm not eating the regular fucking oak tree that I could find outside. Give me the monkey puzzle tree.
And I'll start chowing down on that fucking thing. What the fuck is a monkey puzzle tree? Give me the monkey puzzle. Is that a real name for a tree? Yeah, yeah. You're just saying, putting two phrases together. Give me the monkey puzzle. I'm excited for that. Give me the shepherd's monopoly tree. Why don't we do that? Why don't we give that? Give me the shepherd's monopoly tree. That's not a real tree. Come on, man. Give me the fucking elephant's Yahtzee tree. Come on.
Are you doubting that the monkey puzzle tree is a real tree? Well, Tucker's going to look it up now and I'm going to feel like an idiot because I bet it's going to be an awesome tree.
Monkey puzzle tree. Show me this shit. Whoa, I bet that's not a real puzzle tree. That shit looks delicious. That doesn't look pleasant to eat, dude. That looks like a fucking... That looks fucking delicious. That looks like you're going to eat barbed wire, dude. I would not... Aralkaria aralkana. Looks like a pine tree. I would not eat a pine. I would definitely not eat a pine. I would probably choose... It looks like there's little gushers in the leaves. They just explode a bunch of aloe in your mouth or something. Maybe...
You're just like making up what the experience is going to be like. Yeah. I mean, I probably, if I had to choose a tree, I probably, I don't think I'm going to eat a baby, but then I'm going to, here's the thing. If I don't eat the baby on behalf of the soulmate of mine, I'm going to be, someone's going to be coming in the relationship, and I'm going to have trauma. And maybe that's going to cause some problems down the line. They're going to have some baby eating trauma. Maybe I'm going to train my mind to,
Over the course of eating a whole tree. No wait. I can't eat a tree. If I'm choosing the baby. But maybe I'll train my mind. To get over the moral. I'll go to philosophy classes. Like Joe Bartolosi. I'll start.
Training up here in order to eat a baby child. Dude, and dude, you have unlimited time, she said, right? So you can just take little tiny pieces. Little tiny pieces. Oh, it's a human baby. Definitely a human baby. How do we know that? How do we know that? Do we have fine print? Maybe if I eat a baby cow? Veal. I think it's a human baby. Yeah, you're probably right.
I think it has to be a human baby. It definitely has to be a human baby. But you can eat tiny little... That would make the option a lot easier. Can I pose you a hypothetical? Oh, absolutely. Does there exist a portion of human meat that you can consume every day that wouldn't give you existential dread and panic attacks?
For me, the answer is yes. But I am just so enthralled by the option. If I eat any portion of human meat, I'm going to start laughing myself. I'm going to start shaking when I'm trying to shoot a gun. Yeah, you couldn't hold the gun right. Yeah, that's a death sentence. There's going to be problems. But...
Especially when survivors are like, hey, I've got some meat and they give it to you. And then you're poisoned by them. It's basically like they've screwed your life. Yeah, I don't... I'm just so enthralled by the idea of eating a monkey puzzle tree. Do I have to eat... I think the thing that's going to bother me the most is like, I don't want to eat baby entrails. That seems like the grossest part. Are we like...
Like eating the whole thing? Like licking your lips? Shit and all. Shit and all? Shit and all, of course. Of course you're going to have to eat the shit at some point. I say this, Ted. Your soulmate isn't going to get upset that you made them eat a baby.
Because they love you that much, they'd eat a baby for you. Yeah. So there's not going to be any problem. And maybe they really wouldn't want to eat a tree. It would take me a long time to eat a tree. And I think I would probably choose the softest wood tree I could find. So I'd probably eat the tree.
I'd eat the tree too, but I picked the monkey puzzle tree. That's my... It has to be that one. Let it be known. He's having that monkey puzzle tree. It has to be the monkey puzzle. Tucker, what do we got next for Speak Pipe? All right, we're going with Christian. Are you ready? Oh, yeah. Hello, Tuckle, Schlandwitch, and Milkman. No. I just watched the Embarrassing Stories episode, even though it came out like...
Two weeks ago, so I might be a little late to this, but would you rather periodically be sent 60 seconds into the future at 24 random times throughout the day and not retain the context of what happened during that time? Or would you rather have to participate in a spot to difference event one time every day at 6 p.m. Eastern time?
where you are given a freeze frame of a randomly chosen moment that occurred within the time since the last freeze frame, and you have one minute to spot what is different from what actually occurred. And that could range from an entirely different backdrop
to the original moment to pass pass pass I don't care what the fuck dude shut the dude I'm sorry now I'm not gonna say shut the fuck up but dude that's complicated I'm looking for shit like you would you rather fight elephant with gun or gorilla with sword I don't want fucking dude
There's a guy on TikTok who gives purposefully long drawn out would you rathers. They go on for minutes at a time. Oh my God. Tucker, did you choose that because you knew we would get sick of it? I liked it.
You liked it? Yeah, I liked it. I'd probably choose the fucking 60 seconds thing, man. I hope I'm not doing some fucking bullshit. I don't know. Let me do it. Change it to 60 minutes and let me skip this fucking podcast. God damn. Got him. I'd love to be able to skip. Wait, that's against me too. Yeah. Well, now I'm sad. Tucker, what's the next one? All right, here's Ronnie. Hey, Ted and Shat. So my would you rather is...
Would you rather wake up every morning in a pile of dead shrimp? They aren't edible. Damn. And they do smell bad. Or have one tiny shrimp crawl out of your butthole.
every hour, even when you're asleep. Oh, wake up in the dead shrimp bed. What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you stupid? Are you a fucking idiot? What the fuck is wrong with you? Jesus Christ. What the fuck is your problem? Get off of our speak pipe. Stop wasting our data. Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie. You're banned. You're banned, Ronnie. Jesus. Ow. You see how sharp a fucking...
shrimp is they you gotta you can't even eat its shell it's got a shell it's got a shell would you like to have a like kind of sharp little shell creature crawl out of your ass every hour once a day maybe i'm i'm i'm we're having a larger conversation here but every hour you must really not like the smell of shrimp jesus she must be allergic to shrimp or some shit yeah you must be got a shellfish allergy or something ronnie
Come on. So dumb. That's just a stupid person right there. That's just a stupid person on the voicemail box. Really dumb thing to say. Shame on you, Ron. Yeah. God. All right. What's next, Tucker? All right. Here is Denali. Hi, Schlonk and Turd. Fuck you. Dude. My would you rather is would you rather forget 9-11 or forget the Alamo?
Oh, forget the Alamo. The Alamo. The Alamo. 100%. What? Who's debating? They're giving less lore. Personally, mine is the Alamo, because what the fuck? I don't remember that. Hey, I wasn't even alive. To be fair, I wasn't alive for 9-11 either, but... That's what I was going to say. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. I can tell. 9-11 was like 10 years before you. I definitely wasn't for the Alamo, so...
there's a difference yeah this is not even a not even worth discussion either i mean maybe if you're from san antonio but even then you probably don't even fucking care about that thing they turn it into a gift shop anyways that goes show you how much they care yeah it definitely is and if i forgot 9-11 i wouldn't have a job so let's just cross that one off the list yeah i mean it's it's it's sort of just like uh
I don't know I feel like the Alamo is just like hey we took Texas from Mexico that's part of it and then then there's 9-11 you know I feel like I'd rather remember 9-11 happened I feel like it's really contextual to my life whereas it's like the Alamo is just like okay we did that everywhere I mean we fucking swooped up Hawaii too that was pretty fucked up but we did that we don't we weren't talking about how we took do we kind of just like showed up in Hawaii we were like
dibs like that's kind of that's that's kind of fucked up um either way ain't forgetting uh ain't forgetting 9-11 no that's still fresh on the memory different question if you if you talk to me about pearl harbor versus 9-11 okay no now still 9-11 still 9-11 i don't know pearl harbor pretty big deal yeah
but if you forgot pearl harbor it'd be like why the did we just enter world war ii you'd be like what would be like wait what happened why did we why were we so mad like do we even know why i'm why we were so mad at japan like we kind of just went over there and started them up but then at the same time if we forgot 9 11 be like why did we go over to the middle east and just start them up
I don't know. 9-11. I choose 9-11. I'm going to choose 9-11. I choose 9-11. I choose 9-11. Here is Margus Lee. Margus Lee. Hey, Ted and the other guy. Here's my would you rather for you. Okay. Would you rather have sex with a dog, but the entire world doesn't know, or you don't have sex with a dog, but every single person thinks that you did? I'm fucking the dog.
I'm fucking the dog, Ted. I think I'm going to fuck the dog. I'm fucking that dog. I think I'm going to fuck that pooch. Tucker, what are you doing? Yeah, I'm fucking the dog. I think I'm going to seduce the pooch, man. Seduce the pooch. Holy fucking that dog. Seduce the pooch. Hypothetically. Hypothetically? I'm seducing that pooch. I'm lighting some candles. I'm lighting some dog tree candles. Well, that's weird when you start... Now you're humanizing it. Going that route.
How do you get into the mood? I suppose dogs are usually in the mood, especially those dogs that are... Have you ever been humped by a dog before? You fuck a dude dog? Wait, you're going to fuck a male dog? I didn't say that I was. I'm just talking about how dogs behave. You're going to get fucked by a dog, Ted? No, but you know how dogs are always kind of rare and ready?
No, female dogs aren't. They get in heat and then that makes the male dogs go nuts. Oh. They've got like a monthly cycle similar to humans. Why do you know that? If you have a female dog that's not fixed, it gets its period. It does? Yeah. It's a female, dude. So make sure you get your dogs fixed. It's a mammal. It's a mammal. It's a mammal, man. All mammals have periods? Well, I mean, I feel like generally they probably do.
Sloths have periods? I feel like a sloth is a marsupial? No. No? Zebras have periods? Read the abstract. Zebras have pussies? What the fuck is going on tonight?
I feel like you could have assumed that zebras have pussies. I know. I just wanted to say it. It's probably a pretty unique sentence. Yeah. I wonder if, I mean, I think the real question is, well, you don't need to directly ask Google if zebras have pussies. On his main account too. Oh, female gravy zebras for instance have smart vaginas.
They got fucking apps on those things. That's crazy. I wonder if they're striped. That pussy's on the internet of things, dude. Yeah, no, but I'd fuck a dog. I'm glad. I'm not going to repeat it again. Say it. We'll end it on that. Let's hear Parker. If I had to, and I'm not happy about it also. Here we go. Go ahead. A flat bed and trucker.
My name's Parker, and my would-you-rather question is, would you rather be forced to sing along to every song you hear or be forced to dance to every song you hear? I'd probably sing along. I already kind of do that. Sing. I gotta sing along, but man, I would not want to get fucking...
I don't want to get Fortnite disco ball bombed every time I hear a song come on. That seems like I don't want to get boogie bombed every time I walk into a fucking CVS. Like that doesn't seem like a good time. That would get in the way of a lot of things. It would be because they play songs in every store. You know, you're driving. You have to dance while driving. You just turn off the radio.
Driving silence like Tucker the fucking sociopath. What if you're like trying to board a plane Delta plays that fucking music? Imagine just like in the as they're playing that shit your life would be really restrictive Although you would still be also somewhat disruptive because you'd be singing along the whole time. I know but you could like Yeah, that's true, that's true. Yeah, I think that one's pretty cut and dry but then I guess you could just kind of like
Yeah. Someone's turning to you and you're like, you okay, dude? What's going on with you? What's going on over there? What are you talking about? I can't do this. Yeah. Yeah. You turn to the person and you're like, no, you don't understand. I have to. This is not. I don't want this. Oh, that's going to suck when you're on a crowded flight too. Yeah. I'd still take the singing over the dancing. Oh, yeah. Easy day. Yeah. All right.
Okay, here's Double Isopod. Hello, Tandem, Splat, and all others involved. I have a question for you. Would you rather never see your friends again or never see your family again, including lovers? Good luck at home. Okay, why does it sound like he has the power to achieve both of those options with his fucking ethereal echo that he's got going on? He's an isopod. Oh, okay. That doesn't help. Um...
Wait, what was the question again? Would you rather never see friends or never see family and lovers go under family? Is that what he said? Lovers go under family? I think so. I think that's what he said. I think that is what he said. Oh, man. My family sometimes listens to this podcast. Mine doesn't. Well, I want to fuck somebody, so...
I need to get rid of my friends. This person clearly has no understanding of how things can work in the world. This person's a stupid virgin. This person's never fucked in his life. Yeah, you want to hear something special, my guy? Little isopod? It's called friends with bannifits. Friends with bannies. And by definition, that falls under family anyway, so...
Kid's an idiot. Wait. No, it falls under friends. No, it doesn't. Well, what if I don't love them? They're just my friends. You're still fucking them. They're your lover that night. I would say that I love Tucker like a brother, though. Is he family? I would consider Tucker to be family, yeah. So that's a problem. But he's a friend. Yeah, this is a problem. This is a big problem. Hmm.
I don't like this one. Wait, what was that? Outside marriage. Oh, a partner in a sexual or romantic relationship outside marriage. Okay, so this person clearly doesn't understand how things work in the world. This person needs to get some pussy. This is like, this is a person where it's like, would you rather divide two by zero or multiply one by zero? And it's like, what are you talking about? What does that even mean? I don't even know what that means. Exactly. Me neither. I didn't, wasn't good at math.
I know. Get rid of the friends. Get rid of the friends. I have friends anyways. Yeah, I guess I get rid of the friends because I can just start saying I love you to all the people. I'll be like, you're my family. And then I'll start making blood ties, blood packs. And then they're part of my family. I'll make a cult of people. And I think that that's my answer. Yeah.
Blood ties. Blood ties checkmate. Isopod blood ties. Okay, here comes Tucker's bitch. Oh. Hey, Shalette. Hey, Ted. Hey. Hey, Tucker. Got a pretty tough would you rather here. So, would you rather be chosen through the Make-A-Wish Foundation by a child dying of leukemia to be the celebrity that they want to meet before they die?
Slap that fucking kid. I'm slapping the fuck out of him. I'm slapping the fuck out of him.
I'm going to say, hey, you want to be in a video? I'm going to show up and I'm going to say, hey, you want to be in a video? That's the new Mr. Beast video. Chandler slaps all the Make-A-Wish kids. Every Make-A-Wish kid you slap, you get $1,000 in 24 hours challenge. I'm slapping the fuck out of that kid. Yeah, I'm slapping the kid. Slapping the fuck out of him. Let's slap him. Bye-bye. Here comes Woog. Woog. Woog.
What's going on, Schleezus and Teddy Bear and Jarhead? We've got a pretty tough would-you-rather here. Okay. So, would you rather make only Roblox content for the rest of your online career, or have to personally sever one of your own phalanges off your body with a kitchen knife? Okay, so this person clearly doesn't understand how lucrative Roblox is.
Creators are and how much fucking money they make up and also have you considered this dead I
Have you played Roblox? I played a little bit. It's fucking fun. It's good. It's fucking fun. Every time I play Roblox, I'm having a great time. I played like Nazis and zombies on Roblox and shit. Yeah, there's everything. There's everything on there. It's like really not that bad. No, it's not. I could totally do it. I could totally do it. There's a YouTube simulator on Roblox that I get addicted to every time I launch it. Really? Yeah. I have like 4 billion subscribers on it.
It's called YouTube Simulator Z. That's fucking awesome, dude. Yeah. No, I'd become a Roblox creator. They make so much fucking money, dude. They make a killing. I'd make a game in Roblox. I'd start monetizing that. I'd start doing this, that, you know?
It'd be great. Would you rather be super filthy fucking rich or chop off one of your fingers? Oh, no. I have to make Roblox videos. The only thing I'm doing when I chop off one of my fingers is making a blood pack. That's what I'm doing. You know how rich Flamingo is? You don't even want to know. Your head starts spinning. You know how rich Creek Craft is? Carl Jacobs?
Is Carl a, would Carl be considered a Roblox YouTuber? Yeah, he's got a Roblox channel. What? I didn't know this. What are you talking about? Yeah, daily, you don't know, Ted, Carl has a daily Roblox channel. What? Yeah, it's called Pixel Playground. What's it called? Pixel Playground. This is Carl? Yeah. Daily? Yeah. Whoa. I didn't know that, Carl.
Oh, good job, Carl. I bet he makes a fuck ton of money off that. Yeah, seriously. Yeah, I'd be a Roblox YouTuber. 100%. Wow, easy. We'd just talk to Carl. We'd be like, Carl, listen, I don't want to lose a finger. Gotta, gotta do it. Gotta do it. I'd just hop in on Carl's channel. If you did have to choose a finger to cut off, though, which one would you cut? Ring finger. Most useless finger ever. Right ring finger so that if my left one... What if you want to get married? Left hand. Left hand.
Left ring finger is the hand it goes on. And also on my left. It is sort of married to the rest of the fingers out there, isn't it? It is. It is married. Yeah. Yeah. Right ring. Terrible. I could do some fucking, I could still do shit with this. Of course you can. Of course you can. Huh. And your left one is really keyboard necessary for gaming.
Oh, that's true. That's true. Yeah. Totally right one. Well, no, you could get your pinky involved. Not as good. You probably definitely get used to it. But imagine, yeah, imagine it's not there. It's like the pinky is going to be easy, easy adjustment because the pinky is still strong. I feel like it's still probably hurt a little bit. It'd be definitely you'd be you'd be stretching it out a little. You know, I put a rubber band around my hand. I'm making rubber band my hands and make it go like that.
All right, what's the next would you rather, Tucker? Here we go, coming from May. Hey, Titty. Hey, Shluk. Hey, Tupper. Would you guys rather be the main characters in The Amazing World of Gumball or the main characters in Adventure Time? Probably Amazing World of Gumball because a lot of tragic shit happens to the fucking Adventure Time characters. A lot of tragic stuff. Really? What happens? Oh, tragic things.
You could be Jake the dog. You could be BMO. I mean, dude, if I was Jake the dog, maybe the show wouldn't be shit. Maybe I could inject some personality into it and some humor. Whoa. Have you seen both of these shows? Is that why you've chosen this? Well, I haven't seen too much Gumball, but I'm a pretty big Adventure Time fan. I think Cantu's got Gumball covered. Yeah, Cantu is Gumball. Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, I guess maybe World of Gumball because I feel like it's pretty funny. It's pretty funny. Yeah, it's pretty funny. But then there's like, but then, you know, I could eat the citizens of that candy land if I was like. You could. You could do whatever you wanted. I could. I could eat the citizens of the candy land though. The whole world wouldn't exist without you. They're going to let you do whatever you want. Yeah. Fuck. Bubblegum Princess. Bumpy Space Princess. Yeah.
Gumpy. Marceline. Yeah. Jeez. Calm down, man. What? Calm down. What are you talking about? What are you doing, dude? What do you mean? Marceline. Marceline. What are you talking about? Did that set you off? The goth vampy mommy. Head swelling up. Isn't that the vampire Marceline? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, dude. She's hot. Yeah.
You're like taking a bath. I think it's because I've never said anything like that on the podcast before. Never expressed anything like that before. And she's like a thousand years old too. So it's not weird. Dude, she's wise. She's got wise riz. Next. Okay. Let's go to the next one. Fair, very fair. Here comes Jaden.
Hey there, Tucker, and the other two guys I don't remember. This is Jaden from Connecticut. Yeah, right. And I got a great would-you-rather question. Would you rather have five friends for the rest of your life? They'll be hella loyal and hella phony and junk. You know, all the things you need in a friend. Uh-huh. Okay. But you're socially inept. Like, you are really bad in social anythings. And you can't make any more friends because of that. Or... Or...
Would you rather be a social bird but can never hold a friendship? Shit, this is a good one. This is a good one. I don't think we're the same people. I think the answer to this is actually very telling of the type of people we are because I listened to the first option and I was like, that's kind of...
what i have anyways i mean dude jane you're gonna get older and older and your friends no but i like i like just gonna drift apart is the thing but it's not about i don't i don't so well i haven't made my choice yet so maybe don't make a judgment on me before i'm just saying yeah i'm just saying are you are you gonna pick the first one yeah i'll probably pick the first one i mean it's like i'd rather i've
I would much rather have a long time friend and be and ask and ask like things like and be like my dad's a CEO of Nintendo by the way and then you know be a fucking because you'd have to be a piece of shit if you're like you're a social butterfly you would be a piece of shit yeah it just sounds like it's like would you rather be like like a person that's got like really good friends but maybe like accidentally farted once in a social setting and like could not play it off or like would you rather be like a guy that's like
fucking all of the city and everyone hates him and he's a piece of shit. You got to be a nomad your whole life. Yeah. Never have a home. Yeah. The Wanderer from the Fallout song. And you know what, Jaden from Connecticut, you're probably going to reach 24 in 10 years and you're probably not even going to have...
Five friends. It's probably, you're probably going to have way less as everyone goes to college and gets lives of their own and slowly drifts apart. Fewer and fewer discord calls every week. You're fucking bumming me out right now, man. Yeah, but I mean, it's just the hard reality, is it not? Is it not? I don't think so. Everyone goes off and...
has their own lives and forgets about you. Yeah, I think that, no, I don't think anyone forgets about you. At least I'm the kind of person that like, I've got friends that I won't see for like six months or maybe I won't talk to for like two months. And then I'll see them in person after, you know, six months to a year or something like that. And it'll be like nothing, no time has passed at all.
Although I will sometimes get a little bit bummed out when I think about how I've got these friends that I used to see all the time. And I know that they're having all these experiences on their own and I don't get to be a part of those as much. That's one thought that bums me out sometimes where it's like they're having so much of their life experience and I'm not there for that. That bums me out. I'm taking the five friends. But yeah, I would take the five friends too. Yeah. All right.
Is it Logan next? Looks like it's Logan. Here we go. Sup, Schlatt and Theodore Kennedy Nevison. Would you rather for you here? So, would you rather have a man in your house 24-7, 365? He never leaves. He never hurts you. He never touches you. He doesn't do anything to your house except sometimes at night or during the day, you'll see him.
Stay in there, stalking the corner. He's not a normal man. He's like an old shriveled up man with long hair. Think like Gollum. He's always like shrunk up in the corner. And he's just creepy, right? He's staring you down all the time. He'll never hurt you, but he'll just always be staring at you, right? And you'll never see him in the full light. It'll always be a little bit dark. So you'll never get to fully see his face. It's like darkness that falls around. Everything you do in your entire life
Have Narration by Jerry Seinfeld. And he narrates everything, right? You take a step, narrate it. You think about something, narrate it. He will argue with your own thoughts, right? And whenever you're not doing anything and you're not thinking about much, he does a stand-up show. But this is a normal stand-up show. It's one joke. It's the same joke. Every single joke. He never thinks of a new joke. He never does a new joke. It's always the exact same joke. Every single time you stop doing something.
As soon as you start doing something, it starts narrating again. Yeah, no. Old man, dude. I don't want to be tortured by Jerry Seinfeld. It's just around my home. Old man, and then you buy a house, and then you call up a buddy. You're like, hey, man, can I rent with you? Loophole, bitch. Or you put your house, or you buy a house with an LLC. That's not my house.
That's just the LLC I manage. He's going to have to do research and shit, unless he's like a creature, a being.
Yeah, if he follows you in every house, then it's a little different. But even so, I'd still... If anything, I'd start to tell this man all of my problems and stuff. He'd start to be kind of like a little bouncing board, someone to talk to, to ease the lonelier portions of my life. I'd just be like... You're editing. I'd give him a name. You know, I'd give him a birthday. And then when his birthday comes around, I'd put a little birthday hat on his head. He's sitting there. Over there. You know...
I'd be like good for you I'd start playing games with him throw a ball at his head bounces off he doesn't do anything it'd be great it'd be you know what it'd be like it'd be like having that it'd be like having a zombie to play with yeah that's a good that's a deep cut reference chuckle right there you don't even need to wear a glove you don't even need to wear a glove nope start smacking his face around playing with his jowls just fucking with him a little bit just fucking with him
I would totally fuck with him. Yeah, yeah. I'd love that. You can make content around that. Whatever I do, this guy just stays there. Hey guys, what's going on? I'm fucking with my old man today. Join my 24-hour live stream. I'm fucking with the person right now. $20 and I'll shoot him with a paintball gun, guys.
Yeah. Yeah, I know. You get to the end of the week, this dude's covered in fucking dirt and fucking paint and shit. And he's probably... I wonder if he like resets at the beginning of the day. Like you just do a bunch of shit to him, he just shows up again. Like is he... I'm trying to decide whether or not he'd be like sort of a creature, like a paranormal creature, or if he's just literally a guy. It'd be cool if he reset at the end. That would be cool. Or he just like had regeneration so you could just watch him. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it would be a good way to figure out how easily you could beat up an old man, too. Like, it'd be kind of like a real-life punching bag. It'd be like one of those things on the TLC show or whatever, or the history show where they're testing out weapons on the fucking realistic silicon punching bag thing. How many Newton meters of force can the person take today? Yeah, that's fun. You'd make content out of it. Yeah, it's a very YouTuber response, but... Hell yeah.
Tucker, what do you think? Are you going to fuck with this person? Well, I took it more as like he's not a real person. Oh, you're schizophrenic? Yeah, I took it more like that. Like if you like look, he's there and you look away and then you're like, wait, and you look back, he's gone. He's in a different corner, you know? And I felt like if you tried to go up to him, it'd almost be like trying to push two magnets together. Like you just wouldn't be able to get near him.
I got more of a ghost vibe. Dude, everyone on TikTok just thinks you're fucking crazy. There's a video of an empty room and you're like, I'm fucking with him today. Yeah, I took it definitely more of the ghost route. Sure, yeah. That's fair. That's fair. I still think I'd pick that though. Yeah, yeah. I think you'd probably get numb to it.
definitely definitely and if if you know you could get used to it you just get like up you'd be drinking like get over here where is that guy there's a there's a schizophrenic guy on tick tock who has actually talked about that kind of thing before where he'll be talking to someone in his house and then all of a sudden he's like wait are you are you real and so he'll take his phone out and like
open up his camera and point it at that area, and they never show up on the phone somehow. So he'll know if it's a real person based on that. And so he's like, yeah, sometimes I just wind up taking photos of real people, and that's kind of the downside of it. That would be really scary.
Have you ever had like... I've never had it, but I've heard stories. Like sleep paralysis demons. I haven't. No, no, no. That would be really scary. It sounds fucking terrifying. Yeah. Sleep paralysis. Yeah, have you ever had any sleep paralysis demons? No.
Neither have we. I think we have time for two more. How's that? Sure. Ted's got to eat those fucking wings. No, I do. I got Chipotle. Oh, good for you. Thank you. That's a healthy choice. Here is Anna. Hello, Chucklers.
My question to you is would you rather be stuck in a time loop at Disney World? And for the sake of the argument, it's like July 4th at Disney World. So it's like hell. It's packed. It's sweaty. It's Orlando. It's disgusting. Or be stuck in a time loop as like a toddler or baby you. So like you're just like 20 years younger. So that means you don't like have resources to do anything. You can't drive. You can't. Okay. You don't have a credit card.
Way to give us like a fucking layup right away. And yeah, fuck you too, dude. Like Disney any day of the week. I'm a time loop. I don't gain any weight. I remember it all. I remember the flavors. I go and I try. I'm eating churros every day. I'm having a good time. I'm getting dole whips. I'm fucking doing it all. You know what I'm doing? I'm at Disney. I'm upgrading to the VIP thing. So I'm skipping all the lines. Sure.
And you could test out little theories. Yeah. Time resets every day. Okay. How many people can I murder today? Yeah. Or how many kids can I push over? How many days can I ruin? How many, like, can I find my way into the fucking, like, mountain? Like the Everest mountain thing and start putting puppet shadows on the walls and freaking out all the Disney adults who are like, this is a new thing.
While Space Mountain's going, how many kids can I throw off the ride? Like how we turn to violence immediately. Before people start to notice. How many little babies can I throw into the pit? Granted, you know, this would be, you know, maybe a couple years down the line, you know. I'd like to get away. I'd like to have a way out of the time loop, though. But, I mean, I would stay at Disney. I mean, you know, that would be like sort of a weird version of like heaven in the good place, you know.
Yeah. Like you get bored. You'd get bored eventually and you just want to die. But like. Sure. You should not be sitting with a baby with barely any function to your brain. Like that would suck. Having a fucking allergic reaction to a cosmic brownie. That happened to you when you were a kid? Yeah. And you did that? You spit? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My throat closed up. It wouldn't go down.
I sat in front of it. Never mind. That's really scary, dude. Yeah, it was fucking terrifying, bro. Holy crap. Well, no more cosmic brownies for you. I don't eat them. Rule of thumb. I never eat them. You're not missing much either way. Here's Oscar Baldwin. Hello, Slap, Tard, and Tupper. Would you rather make ducks, the animal, a duck, a being of death, or sharks,
Three times the size. And let's specify the being of death. The being of death entails that it has claws. That thing doesn't have no fucking webbed feet no more. Fuck that shit. This is Daniel and Oscar from Adelaide, Australia. I'm talking about the motherfucking fang feet fuckers. We're talking the real shit. The cold fucking... So...
How drunk do you think they are? Would you rather death ducks or three times as large sharks? That's what we're asking. Like, just in general? Do we just want them in general? Like, they just show up in the ecosystem or something? I don't understand. I like it how that guy came out of nowhere and he was like, and let's remember. All of a sudden he just shows up out of nowhere and tag teamed in. Either way, it wouldn't
affect my daily life. I'm going to see it on the news feed on Reddit or something. It's like, there's some crazy sharks out there now. Also, don't tell those guys about like eagles. Yeah, fuck. That's basically a dog with claws. Yeah, they're talking about fucking fang claws. It's like, you know what a talon is, man? You understand what a talon is?
Those things can fly a lot better than a duck, I'll tell you what. Mm-hmm. Jeez. I mean, I guess the shark one, though, because big sharks just seem like a cool reality that I'd like to make. That's so cool. We'd have so many more movies. We would. Oh, yeah. Oh, but then the duck thing is probably like a...
That's probably like a Stephen King book. Yeah. If you made the ducks crazy, then that would make duck hunting a very, very... It'd be like going to war. Wow. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. It'd be like a service to your country. It'd be like, we got to get these fucking ducks out of here, man. It'd be more intense than fucking hog hunting. They'd be coming out there with Hueys and fucking M40s. Yeah. You know what? Fucking both. Can I say that? Give me both? Yeah.
Yeah, honestly, I don't think it's funny too. Cause they're probably like, they're probably thinking to themselves as they sent this, they're probably like, they're not going to know which one to pick. They're going to have a hard time. We want them both. Give them to us. Come on. That was a pretty good setup of a, would you rather as I would say, thanks for sending those in guys. Yeah. Easy, easy. Honestly, some easy ones in there. Definitely. All right.
Thank you guys so much for sending in your speak pipes. If you didn't get it, if you didn't get chosen this time, maybe try a little bit harder. Maybe have some better ideas, motherfucker. Or have some worse ideas. You know why? Because we're asking for your hot takes again, bitch. So send in your hottest take to...
Speakpipe.com slash Chuckle Sandwich. And for our next Speakpipe-based episode, we'll be checking out you guys' hot takes and we will be giving our opinions on those. But with that being said, thanks for joining us on another episode of Chuckle Sandwich. I'm looking for some hot takes about women this time. Oh, yeah. Send in some crazy thoughts you guys have about women. Yeah.
yeah yes and sentence uh and send in some uh hot takes about like science and vaccines too weather weather yeah weather weather systems did you know ted totally off topic and we should be ending the podcast but there's a youtuber who covers weather who is like
Getting millions and millions of views a day on daily uploads and one click baits. He click baits weather Oh shit fucking crazy, dude. Are you kidding me? Look at this with a huge arrow ring of fire You imagine click baiting weather never would have thought any content like that would have been viral dude He just decided he's gonna be a weatherman. He should he should even doing any green screen weatherman shit either That's a rare weather
Dude, Death Ridge, El Nino, huge block. El Nino is going to be crazy. If you just... Like the one that says huge problem. If you just looked at this guy's channel, at the thumbnails, you would think the earth is fucking ending. You would think the United States is disintegrating every day. Oh.
Here we go. Brace yourself. Brace yourself. What? And then the, not good. Not good. Not good. That's really funny. Damn. Well, thanks for joining us here. Thanks for watching. Time to prepare, Chucklers. Watch out. All eyes on this big update because this is not good. This is not good. And we'll catch you later in the next episode of Chuckle Sandwich. See you next week, guys. Bye, everybody.