The Internet's Strangest Confessions
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Ted. Flat. Ted, you want to know a problem of mine? I do. I do. I'm still bludgeoned, okay? Oh, okay. These cuts run so deep. Yeah. Emotionally? Not emotionally. Physically. I think there is an emotional aspect, though. Anytime I take off the bandage, it starts gushing blood again. Are you serious? Gushing. Are you sure you don't need to go to the hospital or something?

Like you need stitches or something. Okay. I just need to leave the band-aid on that's what I that's the conclusion I've drawn. Yeah. Yeah That's something usually people learn it as a child is like, you know, what are you checking it every like couple hours? No, no, no, I'll take it off every night and then the blood will start and then I'll be like, oh I have to read So that's not the point of the band-aid like you sleep with the band-aids on I

Oh, Jim. You're big. You're a big boy. You're so large. You're just the largest cat.

Oh, you want to say hi to everybody watching? Schlatt talks about his cat the way creepy men talk about women walking down the street. You mean catcalling? I wasn't even thinking about that. Well, he was just like looking at him wagging his tail in my face. He's like, oh, here he comes strutting along the desk. He's looking at him. He's like, oh, you're a big kitty. All right. All right. All right.

It's time for the podcast. Welcome to Junko Sandwich.

Welcome everyone to Chuckle Sandwich. God, the world is so gross and there's so many people out there that have little, little deep dark secrets. Don't you agree, Shlatt? I'm a crypt. My chamber goes deeper than whatever is below the pyramids at Giza. Oh, yeah. And it's full of the deepest, darkest secrets and some of the oldest secrets.

Most horrific skeletons in the world. Some of the oldest, most ancient rituals. Yes. Some of the craziest radical ideas. Oh, there are some crazy ideas in there. There are some crazy ones. You step into his dungeon and there's an insignia of every secret society that you've ever known toppling. I'm a part of a lot of them. Yeah. Illuminati, the stonemasons or whatever.

Yeah, I meet at that, you know, that island with the statues. I'm there. I'm there. Jeffrey Epstein's. No, no, that's the one, you know, that's the one island that I'm not really too much of a fan of. Yeah. What do you think about? The Builder, Build-A-Bear. Build-A-Bear Island? Yeah, Build-A-Bear. Oh, Build-A-Bear Island. Yeah. Where they do the rituals. Yeah, yeah. And Alex Jones had footage of them.

Yeah. Or the one with that. I saw it on TikTok. It was like the Mothman Island or something where it was like this ancient place. Hmm.

No. Off the island? No, I think that might be. That's too radical. Okay, fair enough. But, Trat, online, there's a lot of people that do, they confess things. They confess things. They might not be part of, I don't know, like a secret society or something, but they're confessing something. We actually don't know what these confessions are, so we're introducing this as if we know what they're going to be talking about, but in reality, all this information is false.

luckily enough hidden from us by Tucker all of our reactions to these confessions are gonna be Hearing them for the first time really take a authentic where that's what people want from their personalities. They need authenticity Yeah, we need to be authentic piss authentic come that that's how we rock these days. I didn't like that I was yucky That made me feel maybe uncomfortable

Honestly, Tucker, you know, this is pretty incredible that we trust you enough to just come in here with something that's going to run the whole episode and we trust you to not fuck it up. Well, it's in my best interest. It's in my wife's best interest to do a good job. Indeed. To bring you what you need. Yes. Yes. That made it sound like you were a serf.

Like you were bringing us, like us, we were the kings and you were bringing us some sort of offering. Honestly, like that is kind of what this feels like. Yeah. It's a sort of indentured servitude. Yeah. Tucker's in debt. He's working on, like he took debt to have land and now he works that land in order to be able to someday pay it off. Mm-hmm.

Honestly, yeah, that actually kind of does add up in a more modern sense. Oh, yeah, in terms of the land that you're currently operating on right now. The land is like... The setup that I've got you. Yeah. But, Tucker, you want to give us a little rundown on these? Because it's Reddit. Confessions from Reddit is what we're doing today. Confessions from Reddit. Yeah. The Redditors, we love them. Okay, so we got a spread here. We got some wholesome stuff. We got some funny stuff.

My problem with r slash confessions is that I'd say like a good 85% of it is like either like fan fiction people are writing and getting off to or it's like kind of in the same vein. It's like I seduced my uncle and I liked it. Okay. Is that one of them? No. No. I was like I'm not putting that shit in here. But you read one where they were like I seduced my uncle and I liked it. Yes. I read multiple. Oh.

I'd say like most of the posts. Oh, no, I'm not. Absolutely. Most of the posts are NSFW. Sometimes you could have a hot uncle. I don't really see the problem. Hot uncle's a hot uncle. I mean, you can't really change the facts. The facts are the facts. If my uncle was hot, I'd be into it. The rules are the rules and the facts are the facts. Maybe because Schlatt's like a father, he can...

you know let us know if these people did need to confess right like a religious father or like yeah like a father you know you can be the son and I'll be the Holy Spirit I need to confess after what I did to my fucking dick last night circumcision again? yeah it started to grow back so I was like I gotta get rid of this yeah that's what Schlatt says when he says he's shaving

He's like, I'm shaved. A little off the top. Just a little off the top to make it work. All right. Here is, we're going to start with a good one. Okay. You ready, Schlatt? Hey. I'm ready. I'm ready. Just making sure. Okay. You looked a little distracted. The cat is distracting me a little bit. He's crawling right in front of me again. I don't know why. I know. He's got food or something. He's crossing in front of you and you were like, oh.

Hey after that intro, I don't I feel like I can't say anything to him. Yeah, don't say anything Don't say anything to him. I'm not gonna I'm not gonna okay Tucker take it away. The title is you touching him. I'm not you know, he's touching my computer and I'm trying to get him to not do it Oh, okay, man. He's really continue to look at that. You see where his eyes when you

It's funny right in front of me. Wow. He's putting it right in front of me. That's what a guy would say. He's like, I'm not doing anything. I'm not doing anything. I have nothing to do with this. Oh, my goodness. Hey, hey, what the fuck was that? Let's do it. No, let's read the confession. Don't make me give you a negative chuckle star. Let's read the confession. Don't make me give you an anti-chuckle star. Stop. Stop.

Stop. Get. All right. The title is My Wife is a Reddit Troll. Here's the confession. I'm not sure what a troll means, but I've seen it used on Reddit a lot when someone says something politically incorrect or if someone says something rude. So I assume it means like someone is not very nice on Reddit. I know my wife's Reddit account and I see she leaves rude comments on the ring subreddits.

She makes fun of women that have big rocks on their engagement ring, for example. If the diamond is three plus or more carats, she comments saying, "Looks tacky and fake."

She is basically making fun of any woman that wears a diamond ring that's too big. She'll tell them that their ring looks like a costume jewelry and she'll call your ring fake if you have lab diamonds and not a real natural diamond. Marriage is also big in our culture. So she makes fun of women on Reddit who are still single at an older age and she'll tell them they're going to die alone with cats. Oh my God. And she will tell them that they have washed up eggs. What?

She's also active on the houseplants subreddit making fun of people's plants. Damn. Same. Um...

You know, that's crazy because there's two ways that you can interpret this. One, you can interpret it as just, oh, my wife is just this vindictive lady that's mad. Or she didn't get a really good ring for her engagement. She didn't get a very nice ring, no. Three plus carats is, that's a lot of carat. I don't know how this works. Yeah, I don't know how it works. Yeah, I'm not aware of the carat system. Well...

Being the resident expert on buying your wife a wedding ring. Being the resident expert, I think one carat is a really solid place. But a lot of women place the value on how much you dropped on it. You know?

Yeah. Three plus carats. You're looking at like 30 grand plus probably. Right. Isn't the rule like three to six months of your salary goes into the ring? Yeah. I think I've read that somewhere too. But rules are meant to be broken. Oh, true. Don't drop that much on a ring. So like you spent a couple days worth of work on yours. Well, I was in the Marine Corps making bum ass minimum wage. Yeah. So, you know, it wasn't a big deal. Yeah. Yeah.

We were married young. Here's what I'll say that I think is funny from that is because I've seen this discourse. Honestly, I feel like I've seen it on like Facebook or something or seeing people argue about it online is the whole lab grown diamond conversation because they're they're real diamonds like they're synthetic diamonds, but they're as they're like literally.

equal to diamonds in terms of like how they're visually like how the atoms and shit are set up but people online will be like well it's not a real diamond though because it was made in a freaking lab and it's like it kind of feels like you're just saying that like it's only a real diamond if it's a like

It's got to... You got to... It's like... If they dig it out with a fucking pickaxe. Yeah, it's like... It needs to have blood on its hands. Yeah, we need some blood diamonds in order for this to be real. Like, we need to have a bunch of exploited workers pull this out of the ground in order for me to value this. It's like crazy. And...

Don't those companies overcharge for those diamonds anyways? Don't they regulate the supply and make sure that they're not picking out too many? Yeah, or they just keep them in the warehouse. I'm sure there's a warehouse just full of diamonds. Fuck it. Grow that shit in a lab as long as it looks good. Yeah. I feel like I would get a lab-grown diamond. I would get a big lab-grown diamond. For your prospective wife one day?

I mean... See? Ted, you didn't immediately say yes, though. Oh, well... You went, ah, you know? It depends on what they want. Depends on what they want. There's certain things that I think women get...

uh, get very sensitive about with other women, but not like men are just, we're just, we're just bystanders to the war that's going on. So like, I'll give you an example. I'll give you an example. There's, there's for some strange reason, women will not let other women wear the same outfit to an event. Yes. You know, I don't know. I need a new dress. I need a new dress for that. Uh, everyone's going to know I wore the exact same thing.

I don't give a fuck. No one gives a fuck except for you people. It's the same with the synthetic shit. It's purely women on women crime. Why didn't you explain this to me? It's women on women crime. Exactly.

Yeah, because it's not like I mean, obviously, there's there's we can't go out here and say, well, the men don't care as if that solves the problem because it doesn't. Yeah, but but they got to stop fighting over that. They got to start freaking out over that because it's like I got one. I got two suits. And whenever there's an event, I will wear those two suits at the same time. Just kidding. Yeah.

I'll choose one and I'll be like, this one's the one. And it's a black suit. It's a blue suit. And I and it's like I'm not going out of my way to throw out. And some of these dresses for these women cost hundreds of dollars and they're buying them. And then they're like, I can never wear this again. Like there's got to be some corporate big wig that like 50 years ago was like, we got to make women think that they can't wear clothing. Exactly, dude.

That's what's happening. And with the fucking diamond companies, I'm sure they planted that seed with the, uh, with the, the synthetic shit. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, no, this is. So if you're a woman and you're like, I can't wear this dress to another event, just wait a month, wait two months even, but don't never wear it again because then you're a victim to capitalism and that makes you a bad liberal. Yeah.

Yes, yes it does. So consider that. And I hate bad liberals. Yes. So for this confession, are we going to rate it on some sort of system? Or are we just going to be like, man, that fucking sucks? I don't know. Do you have a system in mind? Yes, socialism, baby. We could give like... Just kidding, just kidding. We could give like some sort of...

Established established I mean, maybe you could say is it worthy of a confession? I think this is more like someone who's like looking for help I think this man is like he doesn't even understand what a cry for help He doesn't understand what a troll is and his wife is like going into her goon cave and like diving into the into the message boards of the internet just going after people she clearly has some sort of deep-rooted like anger about something and

it's true man i was man i was really pulling that holding that together wasn't i um but yeah no i'd say uh i don't know like report your wife to the cops the cops yeah yeah turn her in dumper dumper don't rope the feds yeah dumper dumper i agree with that dumper at the local police station handcuffed yeah all right i'm gonna give you guys a short one next i will i'm gonna also preface

The rest of the long ones and the rest of the episode with, I know how to read, but Redditors don't know how to write. Right. Okay. So you're going to be reading this exactly how it's written. Yeah. I'm usually reading it exactly how it's reading, which means we just decided to not use punctuation today and run on sentences. You know, it's Reddit. So excuse the scraps I'm dealing with. Yeah. Okay. Here's the title. It's Reddit, not read it.

Wow. And it's Reddit, not write it. Wow, dude, you're spinning today. Jambo, shut up, dude. Please. Okay. You're giving me a hard time. You like giving your old man a hard time? He's trying to play it off. You hear him? I'll let you out. Go. Hard day with the missus? Cat's giving me a hard time. Yeah. What do I do to deserve a hard time? Nothing, dude. You're innocent. You're innocent. Nothing.

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Go to your happy place for a happy price. Go to your happy price, Priceline.

All right, Tucker, take it away, baby boy. Okay. The title is, I just found out I have a low IQ of 80 and I'm devastated. Damn. Is this written by Schlatt? Whoa. I'm very smart. I'm actually very intelligent. Actually. Okay. So here's the story. I was professionally tested. The results were utterly humiliating.

Even one of the people there made a weird face. I still can't believe it. They made a weird face? Like they were like eating something sour. Ew, he's stupid. He saw that and the person made a face like they were eating something sour. They're like... I'm legitimately almost disabled by most metrics.

There's so many things I'm just legitimately too dumb to do. I feel crushed. Wait, can I just pause and say it is funny that before you started reading this whole thing about this whole Reddit post. The punctuation and what not? The punctuation and about how it's like a precursor to the fact that nothing is going to be written properly. You immediately go into a Reddit post about how a guy says that he's got an IQ of two.

Yeah, no, it's true. And this guy's probably got the best punctuation out of any of them. Capital letters, periods. I mean, the sentences are a little short, but... He's trying to compensate you. He's going, you know, real slow. Yeah, he's just using one, two fingers for his tongue. He's doing the old dad type. It's funny because I feel like so far, I mean, is that all there is in the post? That's it. That's the one. That's the... Yeah. So he's just...

He's just dumb. What was his IQ? 80. Damn, that's Sneeko's IQ. That's low. What's a high IQ? Like 150 or something? 150 is like Mensa level, right? Like then you're in an organization for smart people. Oh, what, they pick you up in a helicopter or something? Yeah, there's something called Mensa.

I don't know exactly what it is, but you need really high IQ to get into it. And then it's just like a group of smart people, I guess. Okay, so 55 to 69 is mild mental disability. 70 to 84 is borderline mental disability. 85 to 114, average intelligence. And 115 to 129, above average or bright. That's how it's working. I've heard that the IQ thing isn't like a real thing. Or it's like not...

You can tell me if this is right or wrong, because I feel like you would know. It sounds like low IQ propaganda. Oh, no, that doesn't make any sense. What's your IQ? IQ is just a number. I don't care about stuff like that. Fucking 75. Stupid fuck. I've just heard that it's not as accurate as one might think. Then why do all the smart people in the world have really high IQs?

It's one of those things where I feel like all the really smart people in the world don't really care what their IQ is. I feel like that metric is sort of below them if they're at a high level of intelligence. It's everyone else that's like, how do we categorize these motherfuckers? Let's see how powerful they are. They're trying to put a Dragon Ball Z number on their level of brain power. What was Stephen Hawking's IQ? Give me that, Tucker. Around 160. Okay.

Really? Yeah, similar number to Einstein. Oh, okay. Is it Einstein or is it Einstein? Stein. I know everyone says Stein, but I'm reading it. You've been hearing us make jokes too much on this podcast. That's why you think it's Steen. Yeah, well, just looking at the word, it didn't look right, you know? Yeah. Jeffrey Einstein? Epstein? Wait, you're fucking with my ears now. Epstein? Epstein? No, I think it's Einstein, dude. It's always been Einstein.

He's German. Einstein. Okay. Okay. I like that. Yeah. I mean, it doesn't really matter if you like it. No, I like it. It matters if it's true. It matters if it's true. Yeah. I mean, that sucks that that dude's

Stupid though. I mean he said what it was 80 80s not that bad. He's just mild. He's just a mild mental disability That's what I'm rocking right now. I don't know if my IQ falls in there, but Everyone's got a couple screws loose, you know He's probably I mean the bright side of this is that he's probably got a huge cock Yeah, dude. No, that is it tends to average out, you know Like and some people get really lucky and they get a big cock and a big brain. Yeah, but that's rare. That's rare. I

Kid in boot camp next to me. Slept next to me in the bed. Dumbest fucking kid I've ever met in my life.

flaccid cock like that dude because you see it every day every day you see it every day yeah you shower together you like together wait wait you're just stealing glances at it you just you just gave me a you just gave me a fucking spread of like 14 inches just there dude no i'm telling you fucking you've never seen anything like it not in person you've never seen anything like it yeah he was dumb as a stump though dumb as a stump

Yeah, and that's definitely a trend in the Marine Corps. The dumber the guy, bigger the cock. Yeah. That makes a good boy. It really sucks for us smart guys. Yeah, it does. Yeah, it does. Yeah, I know it's brutal. Well, literally. I mean, I'm so into doing that fucking literally voice thing. You're going to get stuck, dude. You're going to get stuck. Yeah, I'm going to get stuck, and I'm going to start speaking with a lisp.

From now on, I keep doing like I keep you know what I'm talking about that where it's like, yeah, I know what you're talking about. You only do it every five fucking seconds. Yeah, I've been thinking about how but before literally it might be a sign of low IQ. It could be. It could be. But I think it's mostly because everyone's known that kid from elementary school. That one kid. That was Ted Nivison. Anyways.

What do we think our IQ is? Maybe someday we do an episode where we do an IQ test and we talk about it. No, dude, if Schlatt's IQ is higher than yours and mine, it's going to suck. You will never hear the end of it. I don't think you want to. I don't think you want to enter into this. Yeah, it would just be a bummer. You'd be stepping into my crypt, dude. Yeah. And if Schlatt's was the lowest, I don't think he'd show up again. Ha ha ha!

That's true. He'd just ghost us. That's so true. The podcast would be over. Damn. Yeah, no, because I would start trying to say something bratty and then we'd be like, low IQ says what? Low IQ says what? What was that, 86? What's going on there? That's funny.

All right. Well, let's move on to the next one, Tucker. Okay, let's do a wholesome one. The title is I Photoshop every photo of my mom. Here's the story. My mom has. Oh, I know this is going. I know this is going. My mom has really had a hard time the past few years. When she entered menopause, she gained weight. And no matter how much she works out or what diet she tries, she cannot drop it.

"She is a wonderful person, beautiful inside and out, but I could tell it was really taking a toll on her. So I started lightly photoshopping pictures I take of her before I send them to anyone or print them. I just nip a little here and there, slight reshaping and smoothing out a few wrinkles, nothing drastic, but enough. Since I have started this, she has started acting more confidently and has stopped making negative remarks about pictures she's in.

She loves being in pictures with everyone again. It has really helped and I have not told anyone nor will I ever. That's sweet. That's very sweet. That is nice. That is nice. It's going to be really bad if she finds out though. Yeah. It's going to be rough. She's going to fucking kill herself. Yeah. Dude, if your mom found, like my mom found out I was doing that,

she would probably it would suck if we get a edit or a follow-up of this guys my mom found out the funeral is next week that would be rough but uh no that no that is that is sweet though that is sweet in the meantime it's nice until until it's not anymore or what if she kills him what wow that's like so that humors it a little bit took us like

like he was like the fuck are you talking about sorry um no that is that is sweet that's a that's a good son moment to do that yeah i mean you know this is this is so easily avoidable though you just give her some ozempic and then you know it just starts coming along yeah what does ozempic even do i've been here i feel like ozempic came out of nowhere in the last like four months

- Yeah, it's a diabetes medication that you inject into yourself every week, I think. And it just makes you not hungry, I think. - It looks like it lowers your blood sugar by helping the pancreas make more insulin. - Oh, I just don't know if I would be able to do that because I just wouldn't want to inject myself every week. That seems like a pain in the ass. Did they inject your ass? It might actually be a pain in the ass. - You might have to inject your ass.

Yeah, but I've heard that and I've been reading online on the forums because I'm on forums that people who have actual diabetes aren't able to get this medication because there are so many fucking Richie Rich Kardashians that are grabbing it. Yeah, it's true. That's fucked up. It's true. Yeah. And I can't get my illegal fucking Adderall because people like you who actually need it.

Are hogging it too, bud. So tell me what's up about that. I don't know. I mean, you could get Adderall. I'm not even on Adderall. I'm on Concerta, baby. Totally. Target's a totally different part of the brain. There's actually two. There's two spheres of. I learned this recently. Two spheres. There's two spheres. There's the Adderall and other shit one zone. And then on the other side of it, there's like the Ritalin Concerta side. And they like, I guess they target two different parts of the brain. I'm on neither right now. So there you go. Nice. Yeah.

Thanks, man. What makes you what makes you not want to take the medicine or is it just I forget? Um, this is less about me not wanting to take the medicine and more like I'm 26 and I haven't gotten on health care yet and I need to do that So I don't have the medicine. Yeah, I don't have the medicine. I should get it. There was a period actually there was a there was a period actually when there was a shortage of

And for like four months, this was last fall, four months, I could not get the medicine. It was like the worst. I was trying to call a bunch of different pharmacies. I actually went online and made a list of every single CVS pharmacy, Walgreens, and fucking...

I don't know, Rite Aid in the area. And I started periodically going through each single one, calling the pharmacy and asking them if they had the medicine in stock. Some of them would answer me and tell me yes. Others would be like, you need a prescription with me. And I'm like, you're telling me that I need to send a prescription to every single one of these places to figure out if they have it. It was a nightmare. And then it ended up with me just calling my original pharmacy and they had it.

after not having it from there for we uh it was such a pain in the ass i was so far we see suck still i didn't even know how it's possible every single one is terrible yeah yeah yeah i like the people at my at my local pharmacy like they're nice they're nice they're i don't i don't like and it's convenient too because it's it's it's because a lot of cvs pharmacies are in targets now so i could do a little shopping i can do a little shopping too at the same time i can't even get on the phone with cbs anymore really

No, they got rid of it. Oh, they're closing CVS is now. Did you know that? Like the brick and mortar ones? Oh shit. Yeah. I tried calling them and they're like, Oh, you can leave us a voicemail. And I'm like, Oh, we're going to play telephone all day. I just need to talk to someone there. I think that they're closing a lot of them in favor of like shifting them mostly into being in targets and stuff, which is weird because CVS is like such a, I feel like CVS is a Titan of industry.

Hmm. I love yeah, I like it. I like a good CVS and they all look the same like whether or not you're on the East Coast or on the West Coast you walk into CVS it's got like that sort of energy where you walk in you're like I would if I worked here I would kill myself probably like it there's just a misery of walking into a CVS from a from the perspective of having of maybe work it like of what if I worked here I'd be like I would never want to work at CBS dude. Yeah, I

Well, we learned something out of this conversation, Chucklers, and it's that if you ever see Ted working on the street, not quite. If you ever see Ted on the side of the road, you can hit him with your car and cripple his finances in a way you can't to most people because he doesn't have insurance. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I was like, where is he going with this?

It's because I'm unmedicated. I don't have the I don't have them. I don't have the zap in my brain right now It is weird though. I think that I'm funnier when I'm off of it I think I'm my brain is quicker when I have the ADHD running my brain But then when I'm on the medicine, I'm like I remember everything I need to do in my life Otherwise, so it's a it's a weird little trade-off that a lot of people with it can agree with anyways What the fuck are we talking about?

Well, we can move to a new confession. God, I'm such a low IQ. What are we talking about? This is the title. Hired a private investigator to watch my fiance on her girl's trip and now I'm torn. Here's the story. Interesting. Buckle up. Buckle up. Oh, I'm buckled.

To cut a long story short, my fiance and I have been together for five years. Every year she goes on this girls only trip with her close friends. Something in my gut had been bothering me about these trips. Maybe it was the slight changes in her behavior afterwards or the cryptic conversations I'd overhear. But instead of directly confronting her, I did something I'm deeply ashamed of. I hired a private investigator to watch her during her recent trip.

Well, it sounds like it was well-founded. Shh.

Sorry. On the other hand, the betrayal. Jesus. Audialisters love you to death. Tucker looked at me like he was going to like a mom that was trying to get me to shush during church. On the other hand, the betrayal from her side feels even more significant. I love her, but I can't see a future together anymore. How do I even approach a situation? Do I confess my snooping or just end things without revealing the reason? Any advice is welcome.

Tell her to pack her shit, dude. I didn't know it was that easy to hire a PI like that. You know? Dude, pay me. I'll follow whoever you want.

Fair enough. Fair enough. Yeah. I mean, it, it, it says something that you can't have that conversation with your girl, but I mean, it's not like she would admit to it under most cases anyways. So you do what you got to do. She, I think that, I think the breaking of the trust from her way is a little, little worse, but you know, if, if a partner of mine was fucking hiring a PI to follow me around and they found nothing,

And it got out. It's like the mom Photoshop shit. They're dead. Yeah, they're dead. I'm killing them. In a way, he's kind of lucky that that she cheated on him. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a game of Russian roulette right there. Yeah. What do you think, Ted? You're in deep thought right now. I think that he needs to bring her into a room with a metal table, a metal table and a swinging light. And he needs to spread it out, spread it out from a manila folder and be like, hmm.

I've been watching you. And that's how he ends it. It would be very strange. A strange way to end it. But I think it would be good. That would be very awkward. Because then what do you do after? You just both walk out the same door. He's going to be like, you were the one in trouble. That sucks though. What are they doing on these girls trips? Are they just getting a bunch of guys over? Does he explain this or anything? What were they fucking doing on these trips?

girls trips i gave you everything i had well can you maybe we need to hire a private investigator to figure out what they were actually doing on the trip we got to investigate the investigator and figure out what they know that's reasonable i got a list full of people i'd like to follow one day interesting to elaborate why would i elaborate because i'm interested because i want to know well they'd know who ted that's stupid why i would never say that would hurt my feelings that's low iq

Low IQ play, you asking me who's on my list of people I want to follow. I didn't know if you were serious. I didn't know if you were freaking serious. See, it hits sometimes. It does, it does. It threw me off a little bit. Didn't really know what to say. Tucker, what's the next one you got? I'm going to give you a short, dirty one. Here's the title. Ew. I saw my co-worker's butthole. Here's the story. Ugh.

She was showing me pictures of her boyfriend and she keeps swiping. I see a picture of her butthole. The whole thing, flash and all. She quickly rips her phone away and pretends like nothing happened. Only thing is, not sure if it's her or her boyfriend's. Either way, great way to start my day at the office. And now here's the kicker. Edit, I am a woman and my day was not made. But it is definitely a story I'll reference for years to come.

Which means most of the replies were like, oh, nice, dude. That's gross. Dude, that's gross. Man or woman, I don't want to really see a butthole. Respectfully. Not even jambos?

No, honestly, not even jambos. I don't want to see that. God. Yeah, I don't want to see that. He just wants to make sure that there's nothing wrong with it. He can't see it. You know what I've seen? There was like, have you ever seen these fridge magnets that show cat butts? Yeah. Have you seen these? Tucker's seen them. No. There are fridge magnets that show cat butts. And I'm like, you got to be a fucking strange person to be putting cat butts on your fridge.

You know, it's like, yeah, like imagine imagine a future in which we are. We are the pets to aliens. And those motherfuckers are putting spread eagles on their on their fridges. Like that's that's disgusting. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine Jambo's walking up past Schlatt's fridge and he looks up and he's like, is that a picture of my asshole on the fridge right now? That's good. I like that, Ted. Yeah. Yeah.

I like that, Ted. I'm giving you a silver chuckle for that. Oh! That's a funny one. Thank you. That's a funny one. Thank you, man. Wow. Whoa. Yeah. If I knew about those magnets, they wouldn't be... I mean, they'd be in his large intestine by now anyways. Yeah, true, true. So...

But yeah, there is an obsession with them. I've seen, you know, and sometimes they'll draw it as like a little X, a cute little X, you know? And it's like, it's bad enough that we let these cats shit inside and we give them their own special toilet. And we clean it. And we clean it. Like they don't even have the, they don't even have, and this is why I think that maybe cats aren't as smart as dogs.

We don't even offer them the opportunity to learn. We don't even try with them because we know that they are too stupid to figure it out. There are some ways to... If you just get a cat and you want to potty train him, you can get this thing that sits under the bowl that it starts out as litter, but eventually...

He tears right through it and then it just reveals the hole in the toilet. And so the cat will then just start sitting on the bowl with his ass positioned over the water. What? And shit into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a person? Yeah, yeah. Sitting on the toilet like a person. That's kind of sick. Yeah. Damn. Why didn't you do that with your cats? Because...

I thought the litter robot would be an easier idea than having to clean shit off the rim sometimes. Right. But it turns out the litter robot sucks too. And I'm back to old fashioned scooping. Yeah. And the thing that sucks too about having a cat is that like, you know, well, I suppose it depends on the type of litter you get. But like...

Every person who has a cat in a house or whatever, they've got the litter room. It almost is always the laundry room where you clean your fucking room. So the room that most people, the room where you clean your clothing, the stuff you wear every day is also the room where your cat shits.

Yep. When I was in my apartment for a couple months in Austin, the litter robot was in the same room as my closet because there were no other rooms. That's awful. Yeah. Then the clothes started smelling like litter. And then I had to always keep I had to put it eventually like in the boiler room where the boiler was. So Jambo would shit in the boiler room.

And I had to leave the door to the boiler room. It's funny because the comedy from this is just purely the way that you're pronouncing boiler right now. The boiler room. The boiler. True story. True story. Look it up. Tucker, lock in. All right. Here we go. You ready for another? Yeah. You were just looking up into space. Are you using the boom boom right now, Shad? Are you using the boom boom? Are you using boom boom?

No, don't make that like you don't know. Show me that. What's in your hand? Yeah, that's the fucking boom boom right there. Dude, he's doing boom boom. I'm congested today. It looks like a tampon. This helps. It's a menthol stick. Snicking tampons up his... Yeah, that's what I thought he was doing. I don't even know what a tampon looks like. Really? Grow up. Fucking roll a toilet paper or something. I don't know. I don't care.

How many tampons do you think a woman uses in one day on their period? Maybe three, four. Depends on how padded they are probably. Sounds good to me. Pretty decent answer. Pretty decent answer. What is the answer? Well, it depends on flow. I bring this question up and then the people ask me and I always say that. And it's pretty accurate of an answer. You'll find. But I think four or five. You know, if we're at the peak. Maybe seven times six. If the moon is full.

Yeah, I mean, some people, but it does depend on flow. It does. Okay, so here's the title and the story are synonymous here. It's just one shot. Here we go. I am a foot and a half taller than my wife. So when I take a shower, I make sure to set the shower head as high as possible. Then when she gets in, she can't reach it to lower it and she has to call me in. So I get to see her naked. She has yet to realize that the setting is too high even for me.

my man that's funny my man that's funny that's good that's a good one so he probably just pushes it up there at the end of a shower he's like all right yeah yeah damn let's wait so here's an interesting question i have though when is the shower head ever too high well you're six four no but i mean like when is that ever a problem

Yeah, this might be a lie. This might be a lie. First of all, in my experience, unless they've got some sort of big system there where it goes up and down, the whole point is that it's like rain on you. If it's a foot and a half higher up in the air, what's the problem? I think it's the angle. It probably is the angle, but in what circumstance are you not able to reach the shower head?

I think is the question. Unless you have one of those rain ones that are mounted to the ceiling, then there could be a case for that. I have to say, I'm very lucky with my apartment with how high my shower heads are. Oh, I thought that showering at your place. I've thought that going to your place. That's part of the reason why I chose it is because the shower heads are taller than me.

Like there's seven feet in the air. That's rough when they're like a foot lower than you. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's perfect. It's like I don't have to be like Buddy the Elf in the opening scenes where he's like like this and patting him onto his chest. Have you been in that position before?

Uh, sometimes I am like a lot of the time I'm like in some showers. I am in many hotels. I'm at the same height. Like when I went to VidCon, I was at the hotel and the same height as the showerhead. So I have to be like, let me go like down and put my head under. Be like, yeah, that's rough. Yeah. I don't want to be bowing down to this shower that's shorter than me. Fuck you. You know, fuck that.

- Fuck that. - Fuck you. - Fuck you, man. - Yeah. What do you got, Tucker? You got another one for us? - Here's the title. - Oh. - "I pretended to be allergic to seafood for 10 years and now I regret it." Okay, here's the story. "About a decade ago when I was in high school, I started dating this girl who was crazy about seafood.

Sushi, shrimp, lobster, you name it, she loved it. At the time, I thought I could impress her by showing how different and interesting I was. So on our second date, when we went to a seafood restaurant, I told her I was deathly allergic to seafood.

I figured it would make me seem unique and for some stupid reason I thought it would make her more interested in me. Yeah, this doesn't seem like... Fast forward a couple of months, we're still dating and she's super understanding and considerate about my allergy.

She avoids seafood when we eat together, researches recipes that don't include fish, and even carries an EpiPen for me. Wait. By then, I felt it was too late to come clean without looking like a total idiot. We eventually broke up, but the allergy stuck. Friends and family got used to it, and I kept up the charade because it seemed easier than admitting the truth. Wait, how does the family... Like, if I told my family that I was allergic to seafood, like, my...

would be like we gotta get you into an allergist we gotta see what you're we gotta figure this out for you yeah your mom would be freaking out yeah my mom would be freaking out like she would be like we gotta get to the bottom of this so that's wild that the parents were just like okay or they just say no the fuck you're not what are you talking about we used to eat fucking seafood all the time all the time you got more tiger yeah i got a bit more

It became part of my identity. I couldn't backtrack without explaining the whole story. Here's the kicker. I actually love seafood. I grew up eating it and I've missed it so much. Oh, he grew up eating it. He grew up eating it. Yeah, this is stupid. This is fake. But I've been lying for so long that I feel trapped in my own web of deceit.

Every family gathering, every friend's dinner party, I have to turn down seafood and watch others enjoy it while I pretend I'm missing out due to the allergy. Fuck. That's it. That sucks, dude. I can't imagine not having a lot. Oh, wait, no, there's more. Oh, okay. It's on the next page. Okay. This is, we take a turn here too. Oh, okay. Now I'm in a serious relationship and my partner is incredibly thoughtful about my allergy.

They go out of their way to find alternative meals and I feel guilty every single time. I want to come clean, but I'm terrified of the backlash and the betrayal they'll feel. So here I am confessing to strangers on the internet. I've been pretending to be allergic to seafood for a decade and I have no idea how to undo this mess I've created. If you have any advice or if you've ever been in a similar situation, I'd love to hear it. Thanks for listening. I think that the solution is for him to go to an allergist.

Or say that he went to an allergist and then say that he found out that he's actually not allergic to seafood and that the first time that it happened to him, it was from food poisoning. Yeah. That's a good play. That's a really good play. Yeah. You should be a lawyer. Find a way to get there for them to prick you with the little spikes and then you're in. And then it's like, because a lot of things that people say is that allergies change like every seven years or something.

you know what if he went to the allergist and because his body hasn't had it in so long it's like forgotten the enzymes or whatever break it down and now he does have an allergy oh that's horror that's like that's like a that's like a mild twilight zone kind of yeah it's there like he played himself yeah or you do what i would do and every week or every month you get a room at a hotel and you just binge on all the seafood you can order to the room

What? What are you doing? In complete secrecy. What? In complete secrecy. Oh, okay. I thought you were saying that... I thought you were saying that that was something you do now. And I was like...

No, I don't do that every week. Sometimes there's something that you'll say, Schlatt, and Tucker and I will misinterpret it in the same way. We'll both be on this. I'm laughing at you, Ted. Oh, okay. What?

What? No, but I was thinking about how sometimes we do that, Tucker. I guess not now. No, yeah. Literally. No, sorry. I just, I was laughing at you. Okay, thank you. Appreciate that. Thanks, buddy. Dude, that would be a crazy, crazy thing for the PI to find. Oh, yeah. No, he wasn't cheating on you. He, it was him in the, it was him in the hotel room all night by himself. He was just eating sushi. Dude gets on the roof with his fucking, with his long range little telescope and he's like, looks into the Holiday Inn. He's like,

And he just looks and there's just this spread of just lobster fucking scallops. It's like a mukbang. Yeah. Oh, man. A mukbang. Like one of those big crab things with all the spice. And you're just in there just eating them just like a monster. That's just a full octopus. He's just like, oh. He's like, you're never going to believe this. Good times. Maybe that's what they were doing on the...

When he said that his girlfriend wasn't being faithful when they go on the girls trip, maybe it was just that he was allergic to seafood and she went off there and they just had like a gorging mukbang on seafood. They loved that oyster. Yeah. That's a funny one though. I feel like that's, I feel like there's a chance that that's real for some reason.

Some people get hurt. It's like a Seinfeld episode, dude. It is. That's like it's like George Costanza. Well, yeah, I mean, Seinfeld. I mean, most of Seinfeld just relies on just dramatic irony. Yeah. You know, Jerry, I you know, where it's like something I was allergic. Yeah. Or something is there's just it's always most of Seinfeld runs on irony. I feel like, you know. Yeah. It's like the last chocolate babka or whatever.

Yeah, that's how Curb is too. Yeah. It's like, or like the episode of Curb where it was like him and all of his friends were like, if one of us gets cancer, we're no longer going to be friends. And he gets a call from the optician or oncologist brother and he's like, hey. And then Larry's like, shit. Man, I lost you guys somehow there and I don't know why. You did. I think I don't feel in the same emotion.

Kind of just like, oh, this is really... This is dragging on going nowhere quick. Yeah, I mean, I was just explaining a bit from a show I didn't write, so I mean... Hey, your jacket looks fun. Yeah, that does look fun. Looks like a fun jacket. This? Yeah, I have the same one. Yeah, thanks, man. It looks nice. Thank you. It looks nice. Thanks, man. Is that like an undershirt you're wearing? What's under it? Yeah, it's just a... Low cut. Is it a white fitter? It is. I need to get a different...

Oh, take the jacket off, please. I need to get a different necklace. I need to get a longer necklace. Yeah, it doesn't really... Oh, my God. A little gift for us. He's never worn a wife beater in his life. I've worn plenty of wife beaters. It's been part of my fashion era. Yeah, wife beaters are in. And they're actually referred to now as wife pleasers. That's the PC. Or just a tank top. You can also call them a tank top. What are you, a girl?

Come on, dude. Awfully girly of you. This is just my tank top. Yeah, imagine. Imagine not saying wife beater. Okay. What the fuck? Sorry, Ted. Man, I'm the only one on this podcast right now with a silver chuckle. It's true. I have my good moments. I have my bad moments. And I have my tank top moments. Okay, final one. Here's the title.

I once broke up with a girl because she turned the bathroom into a biohazard every time she took a dump. Whoa. Oh. So here's the story. Let me break this up. A few years ago, I was in a relationship with a Korean girl. I'm not talking about someone who's Korean. Why'd you say it like that? Korean? It's three syllables. With a Korean girl. I dated this Italian the other day. Sorry, I don't know. I was just reading.

I'm not talking about someone who has Korean ancestry. She was actually born and raised in Korea. So she ate a lot of kimchi, bulgogi, garlic, spicy food, etc. The first time it happened, she got up while we were watching a movie. When she came back, I needed a pee. So I went to the bathroom and immediately almost threw up. It was legitimately one of the most horrid smells I've ever experienced. I didn't say anything, though, because I didn't want to embarrass her.

I started buying air freshener and spraying the bathroom top to bottom every time she used it. It didn't help much. Eventually, I started to associate the sight of her with the rancid shit smell. I couldn't be around her without being disgusted, so we broke up. I told her it was because we were both busy in our personal lives.

That's terrible. Oh, no. Oh, bro. That sucks. That sucks. It sucks. Well... Yeah. Put the fan on next time, maybe. I don't know. Yeah, seriously. That's meant to suck the air out. Yeah, you should get some potpourri. Yeah. That's... It always sucks about...

Stuff like that, you know, where it's like, if there's like a little thing like, because there's no easy way to introduce it where it's like, hey, I think that we should both collectively start using the potpourri little toilet spray because I feel like my shits are really bad. Like, there's no way to like, it should be like, well, mine are fine, so I don't need it. Like, there's not even be like, well, I mean, maybe you should also just so we could, you know, join together as a couple. Maybe we should both be doing this.

There's no way to introduce it. That's brutal, dude. He started associating her with the smell of shit. Eventually, I started to associate the sight of her with the rancid shit smell. Oh.

That's horrible. It's so beautiful. It's beautiful. Well, I hope that he's dating someone now with lavender shits. Or has a two-bed, two-bath place, you know? Yeah.

Or even like one and a half bath would be fine for this. You just need a room. You just need separate toilets. Yeah, you just need a room with like one of those ceiling doors. Like she goes in there. She gets, you know what I'm talking about, Tucker. You're going to understand. She goes in there. She exits. She has to go through one of those sanitation air locks to get sprayed down. If you really loved that girl.

You would have made it work. You would have found a place with two different bathrooms so you could fuck one up and then you treat the other one all night. Yeah. Yeah. Like yours is like a temple and hers is just like a fucking slum. That's what it was like when me and Connor were living together. Oh, yeah? You were blowing up the bathrooms? Oh, no. He was. Damn. I never stepped foot in that bathroom. Damn. That was his as far as I was concerned.

Well, I guess we'll have to... Next time we have him on, we're going to have to grill him on that. We're going to be like, Connor. Maybe. Connor, what the fuck's up, dude? Yeah. Yeah. Well... Well... Hey. That was... Man. Confessed. I feel confessed to. This is our confession thing. That was it. That was the episode. So for the next Speak Pipe, this is an announcement to Chuckle Sandwich listeners. All right? Listen here. Hear ye, hear ye. The next...

Chuckle sandwich speak pipe topic is your deepest confessions. Okay, you can even come in anonymously You don't need to use your name your actual name you can give a username or something So if you don't want people to know you could use a voice changer if you want if you want to somehow Somehow do a voice changer Yeah, and tell us your your secrets. We want to hear them. Yeah anything else to say to the audience flat. No, I

That's what I expected. Thanks so much for listening to this episode of Chuckle Sandwich. Tucker, say something sweet. I love you guys. Excellent. And we'll be seeing you next time. Make sure to subscribe. Make sure to follow us on Five Stories on Spotify. And we love you to death. We love you to death. Bye.