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Ted, another Christmas. Another day for old St. Nick to come down and start giving shit to kids, baby. It is the time of giving. That is what they say. Remember when we gave that guy that thing last year? Mm-hmm. I do remember. I do remember. Oh, it makes me so jolly just thinking about it. Rhymes with right bosphorus. Yeah. Right, because it's white phosphorus. Phosphorus.
I forgot the secret ingredient. That's sort of like the little magic ingredient. Kind of like with Powerpuff Girls, it's like sugar and spice. White phosphorus is nice. You throw a little Tony's on whatever food you're cooking. That's nice, but you
What? What? Hello? I remember what you did. I know what you did. Ted, do I hear he who should be into a million pieces? I'm going to show you your own grave and it's going to make you sad and change. Ted, this isn't good. I don't know what's going on. I think I'm hearing he who should be shrapnel right now. He who should be a million pieces. A million pieces.
A million pieces over the floor. Charlie, is that you? Well, now I'm just one big piece, and I'm here. I'm here to fucking ruin your holly-cholly holiday, because you don't deserve to be on the nice list. Slap or Ted. Charlie, how did you get here from the nether realms? Dude, I was going to ask, how have you guys been? Hell fucking blows. Who would have thought? But I
I'm here, I'm back. I kind of figured it out. I thought about it a little bit and I realized I was thinking back to all of those all the beautiful memories that I had while I was still alive before you took that away from me. Before we killed you, yeah. And I was thinking of one of my favorite Christmas movies, The Tale of Scrooge, which I actually can't remember the name of the actual movie.
A Christmas carol? I was thinking about the Tale of Scrooge. He was visited by three specters, and I thought, oh, I started to see a little holiday rift open up. I started to see a little candy cane colored rift open up in hell, and I thought, well, I've got two little friends I think I want to pay a visit this year. Hmm.
I think I want to see if they've changed or if they're still getting coal in their stockings. So I shimmied right through like Santa down the chimney and here I am. Wow. For 24 hours and then it's back to hell. Well, I mean, despite us being potentially punished for our wrongdoings, I mean, Shlatter, you know,
This kind of feels like, I don't know about you, but it kind of feels like... Don't say it. Don't say it. Say it, say it. A Christmas miracle! Woo! Yay! Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich. It's the Christmas special once again, and we've got Charlie. Here we go, baby. ♪♪
Hi everyone, I'm the sugarplum dancing in your head today. How's it going? Oh, it's so weird. It's so surreal to be back. I can't believe it's been a full year. Yeah, no, I mean, yeah, a full calendar year. It's weird how quickly that, like, we're, Chuckle Sandwich is coming on, what, three years of existence? Because it'll be 2024 and we start in 2021. Wow.
It's gonna gain consciousness soon, dude. It's gonna have its first word soon. Chuckle sandwiches started eating solid food. It's getting pretty big.
Nothing like a little Christmas treat to get you in the holiday spirit, I think. A little eggnog? I actually have a little bit of a treat. I have a little bit of a Christmas advent calendar myself. Not bad! Oh, you got the Lindt advent calendar? That looks good. Oh yeah, the Teddy advent calendar. Lindt chocolate. Terrible name to name a chocolate company. Lindt. That is true.
This is my thing. I don't think I'm following it correctly because I started on December 1st and Advent does not start on December 1st, but it's easier for me because I just look at the date and then I pick the number on it and I can't even find number 14 right now. Well, that's what I, that's what I did when I was a kid. We just chose the day and then we just ate the chocolate in there. Number 14. Well,
What was the point of an advent calendar? Does... do any of us know what the actual point of... Like historically? Yeah, historically, what was the purpose of that? For the advent. Yeah, dude. You don't know about the advent? The advent of what? Jesus. I didn't know he was a robot. I didn't know he was invented. I'm gonna see what kind of flavor I got today. This one looks good. Premium chocolate. Wow. Excellent.
Cheers. Not bad. Well, welcome one and all to the Chuckle Sandwich Christmas special. We're all here decked out in Christmas. We've got Schlatt in Christmas colors. We've got Charlie looking like a Christmas elf. A cute little Christmas elf. Nothing like a little Christmas treat to get you in the holiday spirit. Yeah. And we actually also have our special little reindeer. I'm here. Our little cherub reindeer, Tucker, Keith.
Keith is here. Oh, look at him. I'm here, and I'm dolled up. Oh, my God. You are looking like a doll right now. Move the mic, Tucker. Move the mic. I want to see how deep that thing goes. Oh, the skin. My God. Is that a zipper? Is that a zipper? Oh, it is. What's it doing all the way up there, Tucky Pooh? It might come down. It might come down. Ted said I had to get dressed up. I did say that. It's only the 14th, so every day it gets a little lower. Every day it gets a little lower. Every day it gets a little lower.
Yeah, he's going to be hanging, and it's going to be breezy down there once we get to Christmas. Oh, yeah. Christmas is the breeziest day of the year. Oh, there's going to be an advent. There's going to be an advent of some charges. Yeah. Someone's going to be born inside me once that zipper gets down all the way. And that's what Santa gets arrested for every year, public masturbation. Oh, like the Kony 2012 guy. Yeah.
Yeah, like, Kony 2012. Come back to this fucking podcast talking about Kony 2012. Charlie, the creator of Kony... You remember Kony 2012. Yeah, creator of Kony 2012, Kony. Yeah.
No, no, no, no, no, no. That was the antagonist. He didn't make that video. It was the invisible people. I don't think I remember what it actually was, just that it was happening, and then it was like a big deal. I can answer that question at length. I would like that. There's a guy named Joseph Kony. Wait, hold on. Can I just say, since it is the Christmas episode, can you maybe format this as if it was a Christmas tale?
There's a man named Joseph Coney. Fa la la la la la la la. Carol. He takes kids and makes them cronies. Fa la la la la la la la la. Yay! Okay, that's all I got. Well, that's pretty good. Thanks. I thought you were just going to be like, Twas the night before Coney. And all through the house, not a parent was stirring because they were dead. Not a child was stirring because they were all child soldiers. Mm-hmm.
Yeah, so he was like kidnapping kids and making them child soldiers, I think. It was pretty fucked up. Was he real? Was Coney real? Yeah. No, he was real. He wasn't a myth. He might still be doing his thing. I mean, I don't fucking know. He never made an update. He got jailed for public masturbation. Yeah, Tucker. So we know about the guy who was talking about Coney went to jail. That all sounds insane. Tucker, is Coney in jail? I think Coney's in jail.
Coney's in jail? Coney is hiding in the Darfur region of Sudan.
As of April 22. I was going to ask, there's like a Santa tracker that I used to watch as a kid. Is there how to be a... The Norad Kony tracker. Dude, we got to... Kony's in Arizona right now. Oh, whoa. Mom, he's right over us. That'd be funny if they took the Kony or the Santa tracker and then it was just like, besides that, they also just had like a little pop-up thing and be like, check out where Kony is right now.
A little competing sight. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, good stuff, guys. Good stuff. Good stuff. Yeah. It never gets old. It feels like you never left us, you know, like you did all those years ago. And you made it happen. Yeah. You caused that. You did that. You did that. I did that. How's the guilt? How's the guilt been treating you? Like, is it? I, you know, I cry every now and then, but I think a little bit of tears is kind of, you know, kind of embracing, you know,
That sensitive side of who you are, I think that can be helpful sometimes. Yeah. Famously sensitive character. Kind of sounds like you're going to cry a little right now. No, no, no. I'm not going to. I don't know. I'm not going to. I don't know. What if I really could use your presence a little longer on this podcast? I don't know how long I could keep doing it.
Yeah, dude. Here. No, don't cry. Don't cry. I'll blow in your... I'm not crying. I'm not crying. You look like it's coming on. I'm not crying. I'm not crying. What did we talk about, Schlatt? No emotions. I'm not crying. We said I wouldn't... We said I wouldn't do this. No emotions. This podcast has gotten a lot more talk. So you guys don't feel anymore on here? You don't do any feeling?
No, we listen to fucking dumbasses in our inbox these days who can't even be funny to save their lives. I'll tell you what's going on. On several episodes, Schlatt started getting a little emotional, and it was messing with the flow. So I was like, I took him to a place, a special place, and they're there to fix...
boys like him to not cry and they and they'll do a ranch it took him to a ranch in the middle of nowhere it was called good boy ranch and they they took him in they played lots of games with him he made meaningful connections with other boys that maybe cry a little bit too much show a little bit too much emotion and now he's better now he's healed
But let me tell you what we did that they didn't know. Every night when they sent us back to the bunk, we'd huddle up and we'd cry together.
Oh. Right? Because that's not... It wasn't cool. Why would you admit that to me? Do I gotta send you back? No, you don't have to send me back. It sort of sounds like he's still crying a little bit, like even thinking about it. I'm not! I'm not! You know, they got a warranty on that camp, you know? They just say, if you see a single tear, then bring him back here. That's what they said. They say, single tear? Come back here. It's a rhyming thing. It's good marketing.
I'm not going back, okay? I'm a big boy now. Okay. Please stop. Okay. Please stop. You're big. I am big. I've been big for three and a half years. I went to a ranch once. I got stepped on by a horse. Really? Yeah. It was like a diabetic horse. A diabetic horse? Like a fat one? Yeah, it was like the widest horse I've ever seen. The widest horse? No, like wide. The circumference, the girth of the horse.
Tremendous. It was a tremendously girthy horse and its name was Arnold and it would have hated all the other horses and it got out of breath when it went up hills and they put me on this diabetic horse, but it didn't like me. How old were you when this happened?
I don't know. I think I was like six or seven. I just remember that like I was so scared of Arnold that I would hang on to the car door when my dad would try and like take me to horse camp. And I'd be like holding on to the fucking car door like by the handle. And I'm like, I don't want to see Arnold. He stepped on me again. Don't make me go with Arnold. You gotta go to horse camp.
You see, like, you turn around and you see Arnold staring at you from the barn. Fuck Arnold. I actually hope he's doing miserably. He's probably dead. He was a bastard horse. I can tell you about a tremendously girthy horse. Oh. Oh. All about him. Yeah, I'm sure you can. At length. Is it? Yeah. Yeah. Does this dude mean Kenneth King? Yeah, with sister bands by chance. He was an engineer for Boeing.
Okay, and that's the most interesting piece of the equation there is that like he know how to engineer planes Yeah, took it in the ass
Jesus. Did he think he could engineer his way out of it or something? He'd done it before. This wasn't his first rodeo. Oh, shit. But it was his last. He probably engineered some sort of special contraption to make it easier. He had the calculations too. He had the calculations and everything. He was an engineer. What'd it go wrong? He was definitely solving for air resistance, drag, various other things to keep speed up.
I remember to study for the AP Physics C Mechanics exam, we had to draw a free body diagram of the horse smashing into his ass. What are you saying? Right. That's how we practiced. Yeah, that's how we practiced for the exam. Practice what? Free body diagrams. Okay. In physics class. Physics class. Did you have to calculate? What did you have to calculate? We had to calculate how far. Yeah, the Newton meters. Newton meters.
the uh the speed it's too many had to extrapolate yeah well that's yeah we know that we're just trying to get into the nitty-gritty you know yeah well that's what i mean that's what he tried to do and we saw how that turned out i wonder if he gave him i wonder if he gave the horse any supplements you know those gas station pills you can get bigger i've only had gas station eggs
gas station eggs do you not know about gas station i mean i'm sure that they've got them i just never referred to them as gas station eggs it's pretty hard to not like acknowledge that the eggs you're eating have come from a gas station but okay so let me tell you about gas the chickens in the back or something i have i have this gas station i like to frequent on wednesdays i don't know if you guys have this but i'm driving by i'm sorry are you done
Are you done concocting? Yeah. Are you done mixing? Yes, I'm done. I'm finished. Are you done? Are you sure? Looks like there's a little sediment still at the bottom. You gotta understand, he's a ghost, Schlatt. I don't want you to keep going. I'm loving that you're talking to me about this because this gives me time to plug my product. This is great. That's how I look in my natural spectral form right there. Just a little bit of ectoplasm. You taste good. Thanks, man. Is that cum subs? What is that?
Yeah, it's cum subs. That's my cum subs. That'd be a pretty terrifying way for a ghost to appear is that they start out as like a gooey white fluid that comes out of a drain or something and then they respond. It actually took me 14 days to manifest. It was disgusting and I did it in my basement. It was disgusting and excruciatingly painful. Nothing like a little Christmas treat to get you in the holiday spirit. Ew, wait. Why do you have more?
Oh, God. Ted, he started out with a small cup. And he's also nibbling on the fucking candy cane like a rabbit. But the candy cane is bigger now. What is bigger? The candy cane? And the portion of the eggnog is also bigger. There's nothing like a little Christmas treat to get you in the holidays. I don't understand what you're talking about. No, no, no. Audio listeners love you to death. They've grown in size.
That's a Pyrex now. That's a measuring cup you're drinking in. Previously a regular cup, like a normal person cup. How else am I supposed to know how much eggnog I'm supposed to have? That's fair. I don't think there's any recommended amount. I don't think any of it is probably healthy for you to have. Okay. I'll let it slide. I'll let it slide. But Ted, I swear, let him know. Let him know. If I see that cup get any bigger, we're going to have a real big fucking problem. I agree. I agree. We're on of you to assume a cup.
So is that egg darn right there? How do you eat a can? I don't know how to eat this. Like, how am I stuck on it? Yeah, I think you just like... You put your pretty mouth on it and shove it down your throat. That's crazy. That's fucking crazy.
You curl your pretty lips around that candy cane. I'm never coming back, dude. And you start moving it up and down. There's no other way to do that, right? There's no other fucking way. No, you need to lick it. I'll tell you what, when I was a kid, I would suck on the end of that candy cane until it came to a point, and then I would look at it and I'd be like, I could do some damage with this thing. If I snapped, if somebody messed with me during Christmas, I'm getting a little stabby. It's like a little homemade shiv.
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You don't eat the hook? No, I eat it. How are you sucking on that? Are you sucking on that like a... I don't throw away the hook. I enjoy the curvature. I yank and break the hook, and then I have it as a separate piece. No, you don't. No, you don't. Yes, I do. Yes, I do. I unwrap the top of the candy cane, and then I start at the hook. How are you sucking on it, Schlatter? Are you sucking on it like you're a fucking fish that got caught? I put the thing in my mouth, and I run my tongue along the hook.
along the curvature. Don't say you're running your tongue, dude. I don't want to ever hear you say you're running your tongue again. I'm being honest. Can you show me? Can you show me? That's a comically large candy cane. I can't. I don't know what you're talking about. It's not that much thicker. Charlie, we haven't invented this yet. Slightly above average. It's only slightly above average. It used to be a regular. You have a regular one. I don't know
This is the same candy cane I've always had. Yes, you do. You do. This is the same fucking candy cane. There's a regular-sized candy cane on your desk right now. I'm sorry, I don't fucking swim around like you in a Christmas swamp until I'm fucking snagged by a fucking hook, dude. How do you do this? You can fit the candy cane in your mouth from the curvature. Charlie's demonstration there. The width is too high. That's bigger than average. Are you insane? Are you crazy? Are you doing this in public, you fucking freak? Dude, he got you there, dude. You're a freak.
Yes, I put the thing in my mouth and I lick it. Charlie's making a great point right now. Like, what way do you put it in? How many times do I have to say it's an above average size candy cane? I don't understand what I'm supposed to do with this.
You're confusing me so much you're hurting my head! Get out of my head! You changed, man. You changed, man. Stop trying to manipulate our ghost. He's switched up. He's switched up. No, he's not switching up, dude. You're eating candy canes in weird ways and running your tongue along the fucking curvature of it, man. Dude, that ain't cool. That's the most enjoyable way to do it. Says who? The Pope? I don't think so. Me! I put a lot of shit in my mouth, Ted. I'm sure.
I know what feels good for me. Oh, yeah? I know what makes me happy. Can you say that about yourself? I do. I like sucking on the end until it turns into a point so I can start stabbing shit. Okay. Then we're different. That's respectful. We're just different.
But you, I can understand that side, but you can't understand my side. I've never heard anyone coming at it from the fucking hook, dude. Yeah, the hook angle just makes it seem like you got it. I'm a cowboy, okay? I do what the fuck I want.
Stop laughing at me. Jolly cowboy. I go cowboy mode on that fucking thing. Yeah, I know, man. There's nothing wrong with that. I actually don't know. I genuinely don't know what to do with this. I'm sort of caught up on this gas station story you were about to tell because I really want to know what the deal... Did you make that eggnog from gas station eggs? Are you drinking gas station eggnog? I did a little concocting. I did a little...
and I boil the molecules down and fucking whatever. No, so basically the thing with gas station eggs, I have this gas station I like to go to and sometimes I like to go there for a snack. Actually, every time I like to go there for the snack. But the thing is, some days...
Some days you're feeling a little healthier, right? But you're at the gas station. They've got gas station options. Maybe I don't want Cheez-Its. Maybe I don't want gas station burger. Maybe I don't want Slim Jim. No. Maybe I don't want a Slim Jim because I had a Slim Jim last time. But you know what? In that little roundabout cooler fridge-a-ma-jig thing right in the middle of the store, I find my hand tracing its way up to the top.
Where right there, sealed in a tight, wet package, are two delicious, pearly white huevos. Two? And let me tell you, if I'm... Oh, they come in packs of two. Clearly, you've never indulged. You've never indulged on a late Wednesday night low down to two ticks of gas. Those huevos. Huevos grandes? And I think to myself, I'm already here and I might as well... I mean, I'm looking at my macros and I just need a little more protein. Eight grams of pie. Not at all. And so I think...
What am I just gonna ask for $20 on pump five? No. Or am I gonna pump these fucking suckers into my mouth right here right now? Fuck yeah. Shell and all, baby. Fuck yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. Put those into your mouth. Oh no, no, no, no, no. They're hard-boiled. They're hard-boiled. Oh! They're prepped. And they're wet. They are wet. They're actually wetter than you'd expect. Oh, okay. I'm starting to understand this a little bit more.
Yes, I get the hard-boiled eggs thing. I think what was confusing me the most was a gas station selling a packet of two, like two uncooked, like just normal eggs. Just completely normal eggs. Like I'd be like, that's the smallest collection of eggs I could, I mean, I would get four, but two I would imagine would like fall over. It wouldn't even be able to balance or something like sitting on a counter. Oh, you're just, you're just.
No, there's not like a secret drawer in the gas, like an egg drawer, where there's just like lots of loose eggs. Yeah, when I go to the gas, I like to fish around in the loose eggs in the gas. Yeah, the egg pile. See if I can find, I usually, I try and find the heftiest one for the best deal. That
That'd be kind of cool if they- Are those eggs good though? The gas station eggs? Yeah, the gas station eggs. You eating it for the macros? Dude, you get a little gas station salt on those puppies and you're not going back. You're not going back. Give it a shot. Give the gas station eggs a shot. All I'll say is last week, the little thing was broken and there were no gas station eggs and I got a regular sandwich and I was sick for like a day. But you know what? That's never happened with the eggs. That's never happened.
So whatever golden goose they have there, whatever fucking golden gas station goose they have in the back, pumping those things out. I hope it just keeps coming. Fuck yeah, dude. This sounds like a magical place. I want to show up there. I want to find that goose. So the problem is, is that last week I realized they knew who I was and that that meant... You're the hit guy. That meant...
No, they knew me from like a YouTube short or something, but they'd known for a while, which means they'd watched me every week walking to that gas station and just buy eggs. And you know what's fucked is sometimes I did go back for seconds. Sometimes you'd like eat them before you get to your car and then you're like, well, shit, I gotta have my road eggs. I gotta have my road eggs. Yeah, or like I'd have something else and I'd be like, oh, dude, you know what would wash this down so fucking good? Yeah.
I go back in. And I found this out and I'm like, oh my God, these people, they don't even know me as SlimeSicle anymore. They know me as the egg gobbler. The egg gobbler that is sometimes a YouTuber. Like the YouTuber role is your fucking secret identity. No, that's my public identity. The egg gobbler is my private life.
That's the one only they know. That's your little secret with them. They know the truth about you. Yeah, I mean, we got... There's 7-Elevens and quick trips and fucking whatever the other ones are in Texas.
I've never really felt the need to go in there for any kind of cuisine. You've never had a little snacky craving at the gas station? Never had a snacky craving. No, no, no, no. Dude, I'll tell you one thing. Whenever I'm on a road trip, I'm a fucking snackaholic. You put me at a Love's. You heard of Love's? Love's? No. You put me at a Love's. This one relates to you a little bit more. I've heard of Love's.
Tucker's in the call, dude. I'm seeing the V-neck. I've heard of him, all right? And he's looking good, too. He's looking good. Oh, well, one would relate to Shlatt. You go to a Buc-ee's? Now that's gas station food right there. That's like a landmark. Yeah, Buc-ee's is almost like cheating when it comes to gas station food. Do you guys have Wawa's?
No, that's kind of a Pennsylvania thing. I've heard about Wawa. I have a friend in Florida who always talks about Wawas. Yeah, Wawa starts at Delaware and goes down. Wawa's absolutely a Pennsylvania, at least a Philadelphia thing. Maybe it starts at Pennsylvania. I've never seen them in New York. I just remember knowing someone who was from Philly when I was in college, and they were like, oh man, I miss Wawa. Oh, but I'll tell you one place that...
I'll tell you. Did we hear the same thing? Was your friend a fucking bee? Your mic glitched. It glitched so bad. You fully turned into static. And I was like, dude, that's crazy that your friend is an actual gnat. Like you keep a little gnat around. I'll tell you one place that has really good gas station food. And it was when I was in Ithaca. And it's Rogan's Corner. I think it's called Dandy Mart now or something like that.
And when I was visiting Tucker one year, the sandwich that we got at this gas station was so good that it caused Tucker to kill someone. If we're counting animals as people. It doesn't take a lot.
Oh. Yeah. You killed an animal? Tucker, where'd you get those antlers from? We're basically, we get in the car, we're driving, it's winter, there's like the fucking snow's coming down, I'm taking a bite of this, Tucker's getting it, you know, he's driving, he's smelling it, it's like a cartoon where his nostrils increase and the fucking smell starts floating and he's like, give me a bite of that. And so he's got it in his hand and he takes a bite out of it and he's like,
he like looks down on it. Tucker does this thing when he's eating really good food, his eyes widen and he starts like kind of honing in on it and the world starts fading out around him. He starts getting tinnitus. And he's eating that thing. I'm like, give it back to me. He's like, get away from me. He's like snarling at me. And then we hear like, boom. And we're like, what? Tucker ran over a possum. A fat ass possum. It was big. Oh no.
It was as big as it gets. That's no problem. That's no problem though. I'd fucking swerve to hit a possum. You go out of your way to hit a possum. Vile little creatures. I've got, I've got too many fucking creatures around me. If I hit a possum, I know that litter is like growing up to kill me. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I, I, I actually, I'm, I'm very much, uh,
if I see a little critter or a little creature, their little eyes, their little beady fucking eyes reflecting back at me at night. I always stop, but there was a possum recently that I stopped for. I don't think he knew he was going to die. This possum just fucking looked at me and opened his mouth and just started hissing in the middle of the street at my car. And then he did that, and then he stopped, and he looked straight at me, and then he went, and he fucking ran off.
Possum's got to be the dumbest creatures in the American animal kingdom, as far as I know. Yeah, I don't, dude. That's like if you're like swimming and you see a fucking like freighter coming at you and you're like, let's see who can do, who fucking lives and you start freestyling out. Like, what is that? That's nothing. The fighter flight kicked in and he's like, wait, no, I was wrong. I was like, I was watching where the needle was on the wheel. He's gradually just kept, kept fucking switching.
I will say, though, about possums is that I'm pretty sure that they're the only North American marsupial. Is that true, Tucker? I don't know. They're definitely marsupials. Tucker, I could Google it, but... I'll do it for you. Thanks, man. Yeah, no, this is little reindeer's job. Yeah, back when I was on the show, I would have Googled this, but... Possums, raccoons... Yeah, you're right, Ted, you're right. On Dash, you're on Prince, you're on Tucker. You're right. Wow! Wow, plus one, Ted. Do I get a present? I'll give you a present after the show. Okay. Okay.
Whoa. I think I just got a present right now. Holy shit. Audio listeners love you to death. Tucker just deepened the V. The 15th came early. Thank you, Sandy Claus. That's getting lost. Open up the next edit. Dude, I'm actually going to Kringle. I'm going to Kringle all over that V-neck. Jesus. I was going to ask you guys, do you think your fight or flight, if you had to pick one for the rest of your life,
A fight or flight? Like, if in any situation, any situation where it was going to trigger, you had to pick if you were going to always flight or always fight, what would you pick? Probably flight because there's a lot of situations like, say, a car's coming where it probably wouldn't be ideal to try and fight it.
Yeah, if you run away every time sure you look silly sometimes, but you're still alive, you know Yeah, but think about this you're fighting all the time people gonna be like man. He's so badass He fought a car and then if you fight enough cars, you probably eventually start winning Win against the car. What do you mean?
I mean, he fought a car. You get enough experience, dude. You get under the hood. It's all over. I'm running by anime rules, man. If I punch a car enough times, eventually I'm going to start crushing that fucking... Dude, that's the thing. It's like 90% of people don't beat their first car. True, true. I'd say as high as 98 to 99% don't beat their first car. But that 1% that slips through the gap, they learn a little something. 99% also quit after the first car.
You know, when in reality, it's like it's like that. It's like that gambling photo. You know, it's like the diamonds are right behind. But the diamonds is being able to beat cars. Yeah, dude. Hello. Oh, did you go? I'm back. Yeah, I was gone. Every 3 p.m. I go. Where? What's it like? I lose internet connection at home.
Like almost every hour on the hour now. What? It's this new fun trick my ISP is playing on me. Just the way you said I go made me picture you instead like you're just talking to us normally and then all of a sudden like you're fucking like warping through space. Yeah, just like he just disappears and reappears into existence. I had to go. It's my curse. Every 3 p.m. Yeah.
Oh, shit. So, Charlie, I mean, despite all the goofs and gaffs and the fact that you're a ghost, I mean, how's your year been since we've last had you on the pod? Oh, my goodness. What have you been up to, man? I don't even know that I've chuckled, guys. I don't even know that I've chuckled. Something's different about you. Yeah, something's actually really different. I would say, you know, I might actually, if you don't mind, I'm going to claim it right now. You're like...
You're getting all like sexy on us. I was going to say. Really? You're getting all like sexy on us. I was going to say. There's no glasses anymore. All right. All right. I'll come clean. Not that he wasn't sexy with the glasses. Mind you. Oh, yeah. That photo in front of the mirror, dude. Dude. Bro, I'm getting there. I'm fucking getting there, dude. I'm fucking getting to the choke levels. Is that the play? That's the play. Is that what you're trying to do? I'm getting close. Please recreate that, dude.
I think he has. I did. Yeah, he did. Yeah, but I want to get – I have to get there. I have to get there. I don't think I'm that far. No, but honestly what it was is like something in my fucking brain. You know how your lobe like finishes at 25? It finishes cooking. Well, I didn't think I heard that ding. But then one day I woke up and I was like, there it is. And for the first time – I feel like my character customization screen like opened for the first time in 25 years.
Like where you could just like kind of just decide. Yeah. You could just be like, I want to be a different. Yeah, it was crazy. I just want to have fun and just experiment. Yeah, yeah. Because like my whole life I was, it's so weird to talk about like something like actually. But I was definitely like, you know that fucking image of the cargo shorts and the green Zelda t-shirt? Yeah, I think I've seen you in that outfit before. Yeah, that was definitely me for a full like core.
quarter of how long I'm gonna live. So yeah, at some point, like, I don't know what it was. I just woke up and I was like, oh, fuck. Like, yeah, I can just do that. You're behind.
Damn, dude. I don't know. Yeah, and you've got... So are these contacts that you're wearing right now? Or did you get laser or something like that? No, no. I have thought about getting laser. It's like, I don't know. It scares me a little bit because I keep thinking of that Dead Space scene. Like that scene in Dead Space 2 where you have to hold your eye really still and that fucking needle goes into it. Do you have any idea what I'm talking about? I've actually seen a clip of it on YouTube while having not played Dead Space, which is probably like the most zero-sum like...
I picture laser like that. Yeah. It's like, if I, like, I have to look, I don't actually know how it works, but I have to look directly at the laser. And if I look away, the doctor will be like, no,
It'll be my fucking screen. My screen will go red. It'll flatline. You're just blind and you've just got scars all over your face. You look like a fucking connect the dots. Yeah, I have like the craziest fucking floaters in my vision. The friends, though. They speak to you. That's cool. I like floaters. Dude, when I was a kid and I was sitting on the curb for the first time looking at the sky and I saw my floaters, I thought I was fucking haunted.
Yeah. It's a little scary, but then you get used to them. Well, I tried to catch them for four years. When did this start? When? How old were you? I remember exactly when it was because it was after swim practice and I went outside and I was just staring at the sky and the buildings of this kind of metropolitan area. And all of a sudden, I was like, hey, little guy. And I tried to look at it.
And then it was gone. And I was like, oh, that was cool. That was like a spiritual experience. And then I started zoning out again and looking straight. And I was like, he's back. It's like you're communicating with wind spirits. That's what it fucking felt like, dude. And I was like, you know what? A Miyazaki film. There's more.
I could see them. No one else can see them. I could see. I tried to like, I seriously, I like tried to look at my floaters for years. Like I tried to catch them off guard. There was definitely moments when you're a kid where you're like just looking for any evidence of like having superpowers or something like that. Yeah, I definitely, I went on like a longer arc than most with that. I feel like trying to catch my floaters. I don't know. Did you, when did you guys find your, find your little floaty friends? I found him in the car one time.
Yeah. That was a terrible spot to feel like you're having a fucking vision problem. What did you think it was? I don't know. I don't know. But I got used to them pretty quick because they gave me a little comfort. It's like, hey, man, you're in this car with me, too. I'm not entirely alone in this world. And they're just like, don't look at me.
I feel like I haven't perceived floaters for so long. You know, like it's been a while since I've like just like seen a floater and just been like, I'm like looking for them right now. Look at my clothes. Look straight ahead. I think I'm just like floater-less right now. I'm like trying to, I'm looking straight ahead right now. I'm trying to identify any floaters. Did I have a 12,000 lumen flashlight that we can try this out on if you'd like? Wait, does that help?
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Maybe we go down a little bit when we start like an opener flashlight, maybe just a normal flashlight. Like 800 lumens maybe? Gateway flashlight. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
You're not ready for pure white yet. I saw a TikTok the other day of a guy who was driving, and he was punishing people who kept their high beams on on a two-lane road, one of those backcountry two-lane roads. It would be like he'd have his lights on, and they'd have their high beams on. He turns on this fucking—it must have been something that attached to the top of his truck or something. Just lights up the whole fucking—
mountain they're just the whole general area it's like going through trees and stuff and then like you see them immediately turn it off because he's flashing them at first he's like come on turn it off all right just fucking hits the nuke button and they just get washed in light fuck yeah that would blind you yeah that would that's like super dangerous yeah that's definitely like yeah i mean i wouldn't do it but i'm glad that they were doing it because then i get i'm like yeah
It was also really funny when he hit that little button and all those little tacks came out of the bottom of his car. And the giant prism that he rammed them with. And they just flew up. The truck in GTA.
Oh, that's funny. My eyes feel like they're working worse and worse every year. I'm going to say that. That is how it goes, I think. I was in Japan not too long ago, and I'm trying to navigate and read these signs. It's huge. It's all just screens there. Just light information shining at you 24-7. And I was like, fuck, I can't read that as good as I feel like I should be. And I went to the doctor.
And first of all, terrible astigmatism. Did not know what that was at all. Do you get the starbursts? Oh, yeah. Not everyone gets those. Isn't that fucking crazy? Astigmatism. Yeah, that's what that is. If you're ever like driving at night or if you like squint your eyes and the light kind of contracts into it. It's a single line for me that goes up. Oh, is it? Okay, mine's. And if I turn, it'll kind of rotate with me. Have you ever tried to look down a red dot site on a gun client? Yeah. Is it fucked up for you?
It helps if I open my eye really, really wide, but it is a little fucked up. It's a little fucked up. Yeah, that's an eye condition, listener. So get that checked out. I actually have glasses coming. So we're going to do a little switch, Charlie. You're going to have glasses coming?
Four. Schlasses? Nighttime driving. Oh, like an old lady. No, Sean. I still have 20-20 vision, but she said it's like kind of close to not being perfect anymore. Sure, bud. Sure, bud. I'm picturing you with those little ovals and the little slits. The little fucking slits in the middle late at night. You're like back here just trying to figure it out. Yeah, just driving like right in front of the wheel. Is that a car? Is that a car or just a possum? Whatever. Whatever.
Let's find out! I remember when I was first getting glasses in like early high school and I like, I tried to like cheat on the fucking eye test. Like I wanted to like not have the vision that I had so I was like, I was like trying to, trying to, I was, I basically just was trying to like fucking like see better and like just get, like I was, I was doing my best to try to guess like what the letters said and stuff like that. I was like, I'm gonna beat this. I'm gonna get 20-20 vision. Nah.
Been wearing glasses for years since. That's so funny though that you're like, if I do this, I earned it. I've earned 2020. Yeah, and then look at me, a medal. And then I'm going to be setting the special forces. I don't know if you want that. Yeah, I'm going to be setting the special forces. I'm going to get Bin Laden. I'm going to stop 9-11 again. I'm going to get Kony with my 2020 vision. Well, he went 2012. I was 14 at the time. Probably right when I got my glasses.
Kony was probably a pretty big problem actually at the time. And you let him go. That kind of lines up when I got my glasses. And you let him go. Yeah. That's pretty fucked up. You let us down. Yeah. I had Kony 2012 written on a sticker on all my notebooks and folders. I had to raise awareness and I don't think you did. Yeah. No, I mean, I was obsessed with catching him. I mean, you know, the teacher would catch me.
doodling and it would just be me writing his name over and over again and I was holding I wasn't holding the pen like this I was holding it like this with a fist oh shit I was writing it like a fucking I was writing like a little kid but like an angry one I was writing it like 2012 was his last name dude I had a map of Sudan
Just in case. Map of Sudan with like, you got the rivers and stuff in there. It's like a topographic map. And you're like, I think this would be a good place to ambush Kony if we were there. This is the second outpost of the Lord's Resistance Army. If I was Kony, I'd follow this river right down this way. Yeah, you're trying to like doing meditation and trying to figure out what would Kony do? Setting letters to Kony like he's Santa. Dear Kony, this year I want you dead.
Ah, Kony Kony Kony. There was no Kony 2013. There was no Kony 2013. Yeah, we need something new like that. We need something big. And he got a whole fucking island. He got a whole fucking island, dude. He did? What do you mean he got a whole island? Yeah, Kony Island, right? Okay. That's a totally unrelated spot in Brooklyn. That was a good one. Clearly. I'll give it to you, though. He did that. He did that. I was there recently. In 2012? Yeah.
No, no. In 2023. Yeah. That's, that was recently. It was a couple months ago. So now that it's the Christmas season, guys, I mean, maybe we should, we should chat about a Christmas topic.
And I forget what our Christmas topics were last time. Guys, it's been a year. What's the new Chuckle Sandwich format? Is there a Tucker dancing segment? Is there a segment where Tucker sings? Is there a prancing segment? Is there a segment where he runs around? Is there a segment where he dances for us? Is there a segment where he dances for me? Is there a segment where he gets up and he starts dancing around the house? Is there a segment where he starts picking up things in the house and dancing with them?
Is there like a break segment like an intermission where he starts kind of like dancing around and wiggling a little like doing a little Tucker wiggle? Is there like a little thing where he sort of like he starts acting like a little reindeer starts prancing around? Is there like a segment where we can give him like a little carrot or like a little drink? Like a little intermission segment in the middle of all the questions? Is there a little male segment but the only male question is can Tucker do the dance? And then he does the dance?
So I think there's one explanation that needs to be. So what Tucker's wearing right now is like a woman's onesie he got from the department store. And I don't think he's at liberty to stand right now. I don't think that that's in his wheelhouse of things that he could do. Oh, yeah.
But maybe a little bit of sitting prancing. You know, I wouldn't be opposed. I don't even know what that would entail. Give us a little bit of, I don't know, just a little bit of prancing, man. Let me see you guys do a couple prances. Yeah, a little bit of prancing. A little bit of this. Do you want us to do a little bit of that? A little bit of this. A little bit of that. A little bit of this. Okay, hang on. Dude, a little bit of that. If we all are in sync. Yeah, we can do a little bit of that. Oh, I'm over here. I'm over here. I'm at the reins. I'm at the reins. What if we're all in sync? The reins.
Come on, Tucker, get at the... Oh, wait, no, we're all at the reins, Tucker. You're at the reins, and I'll... And where are you? And I'll gallop. Okay. Not fast enough, Tucker! Fuck you! You know, we do have this new segment where Charlie comes on once a year and he harasses the hell out of me. Rudolph's gone off this year! Big hoops to fill! Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, sorry. I just come on here and I do harass you. It's been a full year. I mean, what's our – do we have a Christmas treat that we're looking forward to, assuming that we're all going home for the holidays? I mean, I'm glad you mentioned it because there's nothing really like a little Christmas treat to get you in the holiday spirit. There's going to be a fucking – I told you! I fucking told you! Jesus Christ. I think my question – You have to acknowledge that it's getting bigger. What's getting bigger?
Your cheer? Your holiday cheer? I can feel my holiday cheer growing inside. I can feel my little Grinch heart getting larger. Feel it? It grew three sizes. It grew three sizes. Incredibly dangerous situation for him. You know? Like, the Grinch would die doing that, you know? Like, you'd see his fucking... You'd see blood coming out of his mouth. Like, imagine that that was how the movie ended. It was like, his heart grew three sizes, and then he's like... What is that? ...blood coming out of his mouth.
Ted, you didn't even acknowledge what the fuck that thing was. What do you mean? We're just having a good, cheery time. No, no, no. Charlie, I don't know what he's doing right now. I told him he's giving us tears even though I sent him to camp. This is so fucked up what's going on right now. I feel like this is all just one big practical joke that we're all in on except Schlatt.
Why don't you go tell one of your ranch counselors? Yeah, you do have. They gave you their numbers. You can call them. They'll say, call me if you have any doubts. I have a witness. You have any doubts? Look, see? Look, do you see what he's doing? Actually could not get all that into my mouth. What are you talking about, though?
Jesus Christ. Audio listeners, love your deaths. Charlie's having a Christmas feast on this podcast right now. And it doesn't look like it's really enjoyable at all. It doesn't look like... Jesus Christ, dude. G-Li-B-Li. Pete Ratt, goo my candy. Yeah, Jesus. Don't choke, Charlie. I would hate for you to just like...
I gotta go back to hell anyway, dude. I gotta go back to hell anyway, bro. Crazy. Is the cup getting bigger, dude? The cup's getting bigger. Do you even care? I need to wash it down a little something. Why does no one care except me? Why does no one care about that? That's absurd. What are you talking about? Care about what? That's absurd. You're looking straight at it now.
I don't know what to do in this situation. Like, I'm at a loss for words right now. I would take a sip if I were you. You have a little eggnog? Yeah. A little bit of eggnog? Why don't you get a little of that?
Yum. Yummy. It looks good. You just had like a... Dude, I don't think that gummy and fucking eggnog really pair together well at all. Maybe a cookie. Maybe a... Maybe a...
crispy cookie would pair well. A delicious, crispy cookie. The ideal cookie. I'm trying to work up to this. Oh, fuck. Are we going to do this? What do you mean? I haven't even swallowed, dude. It's so sick. You sound...
Like you're being overtaken by like an alien. It's getting thicker, dude. I don't know how. It's growing in your mouth. You guys need to... Can you have a side conversation? Yeah, well, okay. I need you to have a side... It's like so bad. Yeah, I got you, I got you. Okay.
So if we had to determine what our biggest crime was this year, that we would probably be like gotten by Santa for, where do you think I would be? Probably stealing this guy. I broke into someone's home for him. No, you did not. I've never admitted to that. Really? Yeah. Yeah, it was in Pflugerville.
I broke in and I took the thing and I walked off. He never had any problems. Did you like case this? Like was this like a heist? And you cased this? Yeah, I saw him in the window one time while I was driving by. And I broke in and I took the thing. And he's mine now. It was in Pflugerville.
- Flugerville. - That's not a fucking real, that's a Doctor Who ad. What are you talking about? - Ask him. - There's no Flugerville. - Ask him. He's from Flugerville. - Hey buddy, are you from Flugerville? - He doesn't speak English, he's a little chap. - Are you from little Flugerville? Are you a little Fluger? Are you a Fluger? - You a little Fluger? You a little cat?
Doesn't feel right to call a cat a little fluger. Yeah, it feels like a slur for cats. Yeah, it does. Hey, careful. I can send you back. Are you still in this crispy cookie shit, dude? I still believe the crispy cookie.
Oh my god. It's been two years. It's been two years. You need to grow. You need to grow. I think that... No, here's the thing. Here's the thing. And I just need to clarify this because I feel like I didn't get to clarify this the last time we talked about it. What do you want? What do you want? Is that when I talk about crispy versus gooey cookies... I hate what you stand for.
I'm talking about if it's like produced by a company and is made in packaging. So we're comparing something like Chips Ahoy, Chewy, or like the Chewy made or like one of those fucking vending machine grandma cookies or something like that to something like a Tate. Now, if I'm walking into a... What is a Tate? What is a Tate? What are you saying? Tate. You know what Tate? Tate. The Taint?
Nah man, nah nah, none of them, not that kind of cookie. What's a Tate? We're talking about Tates. But if I'm walking into a bakery... I almost Googled it, that's my bad. Tucker, can you please... No, you should educate yourself. I'm very familiar with the Tate. Tucker, I'm actually sorry. But if I walk into a... These fucking things, are you fucking kidding me, dude?
Oh, they're so fucking good. Fuck you. They're good, dude. They're so good. They're so good. They're fucking, they're so thin and they're so crispy and I don't know. It's just not what I want. You can't not love those. Let me finish my thought here. You can't not love those. If I walk into a bakery and I'm getting, and the cookies are fresh and the chocolate is melty, yada, yada, yada. I'm like, I'm with it. I'm loving it. And if it was, if it was a hard, crispy, hard cookie at a bakery, I'd be like, well, what are we doing here? What?
what are we doing here exactly say too that those would be the prime conditions in a bakery setting yeah in a fresh cookie setting absolutely regular but in a but in a large-scale cookie operation i'm thinking that maybe the tates maybe the crispy cookie is what is what you need
I've got thousands and thousands of hours on Cookie Clicker, okay? I've got those grandmas whipping away. And I can tell you right now, I can tell you right now, my soft, supple cookie operation is going nice and strong. So...
Good luck with your little crispy shit. Good luck with your fucking basically wafers. Cookie flavored wafers. I will. I'm going to start a crispy community and we're going to be talking about the crispness of a Tate's. You're not going to start a crispy community. Have you actually never tried a Tate's cookie before? I've had a Tate's cookie. You know what? I had a Tate's cookie after you suggested it and I thought it was fine.
But not bad. That's all I've got. But not bad. No, it wasn't bad. It wasn't bad. Oh, okay. It's a commune. They're going to taste like a cook. Okay. Texturally, texturally for me, I will take that little bit of give any fucking day of the week. I will take that little bit of give. Have you tried a Chips Ahoy Chewy, like the red kind?
I used to really like the Chips Ahoy Chewy. See, now that's fucked up. What? Dude, you made such a face at that. Are you serious? No, no. Are you serious? That's like fucked up, Charlie. Come on, Tucker. Son of a baker. We go so far back. How do you feel? As a kid, the Chewy was fun. It was a novelty. But the crispy, you know, grow up.
Time to grow up. Embrace the crispy. Grow up? Grow up? Embrace the blue package. What is a cookie? What is a cookie if not a childlike joyful escape? And you're telling me to fucking grow up about my cookie taste? He's got you there. He does have you there on the childlike escape. But I will say, Charlie. You know what, Tucker? You look like you eat caramels. Don't say that. I'll say it. You look like you eat caramels, man. That's the opposite direction of grow up. That's too old.
I'd be your little Charleston shoe. That's old person shit, yeah. That's some old person shit. I love Charleston shoes. Time out. Of course you fucking do. Time out, time out. Of course you do. Yeah, I put them in the fridge and I suck on them. Yeah, I mean, Charleston shoes are pretty decent. But let me just say, Charlie, if you're talking about... You mold them into a little hook first probably too. And then I suck on the curvature. A little hook sucker. Yeah, yeah, that's what I like. If you talk about... You're talking about how you're growing up and how you're discovering new things all of a sudden and then it's like...
You know?
Maybe it is time to fully grow up and maybe the cookies are the last thing you've updated. You don't have glasses anymore. Maybe you can see a little bit better. See the truth. I'm going to cookie kill you, dude. I'm going to cookie kill. Listen, listen to me. Listen to me. My mother was a baker. My mother is a baker. My mother owns a bakery. And when I go in there, do you know what cookie I look for? I look for the one with that little, little bit of squish in the middle. And God damn it. If that's the prerequisite, then we should be hunting for that superfood.
that same textural thing in the cookies we shop and buy.
We should be, but unfortunately I don't think it's possible. I don't think it is to, to acquire that same gooeyness that a, you can't get it. You can't, I don't think it's accessible to us. You can get it. Hey, you just don't, you just don't want to accept what it entails. I'm going to be, I'm going to be a squishy cookie person until the day I fucking die, dude. Or the day I choke on one and die. I don't even think, is it, did we put a poll up? Like, is, am I in the minority here?
I mean, I know I am, but am I? We could put a poll up on the Chuckle Sandwich community thing to seal the deal finally once and for all on what the truth is. But I got to emphasize, if we're talking as the son of the baker, when I walk into a bakery, I'm looking for a delicious fresh cookie. I like it when it's got a little bit of... I don't know, I like it when it's got a lot of give to it. You know?
Oh, so like a soft cookie, you'd say? But when I'm talking about mass-produced cookies, if I'm getting a fucking chewy red cookie from Chips Hawaii, I'm biting it and I'm like, oh, wait, did they fucking pre-fucking stale this shit? Like, what did they do to this? If I told you you could have any cookie right now, what kind of cookie would you get? Chocolate chip, any crispiness, any give from wherever. Yeah.
I'd probably get like a fucking sugar cookie from Insomnia Cookies. Yeah, and would it have a little bit of give? Yeah, absolutely. Insomnia Cookies are greasy. They're greasy and delicious. I rest my case. I rest my case.
But they're fucking freshly made, Charlie! I don't understand. I'm on the same- I'm on your side when it comes to the fucking freshly made- Jim, this is a question of what you prefer and all I'm saying is that you just said your perfect cookie and it falls right in line with what I'm talking about. That's all I'm saying. I just- I feel like I'm just having a hard time getting over the fact that- You guys need to stay within the confines of Chips Ahoy Red vs. Blue. I think you're trying to keep the conversation rigid, dude, and I'm trying to have a little give. Okay? That's what I think I'm trying to do. I think you're having a little too much give.
I'll tell you what, when this recording drops, I'll give you something. I don't know, it's tough. In the category, what do you think? You've been a little bit quiet. Tate Cookie. Guys, what am I going to say? I got a package from someone to my P.O. Box when I had it two years ago. I unboxed it last week.
Take cookies. Two years expired. Opened them.
Probably the same fucking texture because a stale fucking cookie has that texture, bro. That is the texture of a stale cookie. A cookie in a suboptimal environment is the texture of the cookie you enjoy. You're saying, you're giving me reasons. You're explaining it. You're explaining it to me. I'm ready to go back to hell. So things really have in the last, I think it's been like maybe two years since we've had this conversation and things just haven't changed.
It's like when you go back to the same Thanksgiving dinner, but now instead of being angry about it, you're just exhausted. You're just exhausted. So am I like the Trump uncle right now? Where I'm like, man, those Biden taxes, I've been paying a little bit too much for gas. So it's either that or I'm the weird uncle who's like, nothing like a cookie with a little goo.
You're like hiding in the corner. Nothing like a cookie before it hardens. Yeah, you're staring off into space just eating the cookies and shit. And they're like, don't talk to him. Don't talk to him. He's like... I don't know. Yeah, I don't feel like... I'm trying to think if there's any... What other debates did we have that either of us would have changed our minds on? Or any of us would have changed our minds on? Do you think we will be able to move the planet?
Yeah. I changed my mind on that. You changed your... That changed his mind. What did you change your mind to? In like, if given an infinite amount of time, yeah, we're going to be able to move the planet. Well, it was before the sun ballooned up to swallow the earth. I think we would have moved it. How much time do we have for that? Billions of years. Yeah, I mean, yeah. I don't...
We'll have some Dyson sphere shit by then, right? Okay, so this is assuming we haven't gone anywhere. We're like, no, that's not an option. We got to move the planet. It can be anything. I think even if we are off of Earth and we hate all of our history on the planet, I think there'll still be some trillionaire who's going to move the planet. I feel like you're going to need a little more than a trillion to move the planet. You know what, actually?
Billions of years? Yeah. It's a little bit clear. It's a little bit cut and dry. I feel like we could do it. I mean, it's hard to say that we couldn't move the planet. It is. It is very hard to say. It's hard to say we couldn't move the planet. I think we'd move it. Yeah. Who doesn't? Is Charlie not an original planet mover? I don't think... I was the only truther. I don't know how... I don't remember how it was initially pitched. It was initially pitched in a very childlike, bullshitting way. Get down!
- Get the fuck off my case. I was the one and true, one, the one. - The one true God. - Of the one true truther. - But you didn't come in with, oh, in a billion years when someone wants to preserve the history. - I said, yes I did. I said by the time the sun blows up, we will have moved the planet. - I swear to God, you came in with, guys, we could move the planet. - Yeah, yeah. - We could and we would. - The timeline was like the last thing that came in. You were like, I think we can move it. - No, no, no. - And it was like, now?
You know what? I'm not adverse to the possibilities, okay? If we want to move the planet, if we want to... I feel like there's better options. I mean, I don't know, but if we got to move the planet... Like what, huh? Well, like, it's going to be so fucking hard to move a planet, right? Might not be. I feel like if we're giving ourselves so much time, it seems like it would be kind of hard now to do it.
Yeah. I don't think we could do it in the next million years. Million? Really? You don't think we would take a... No, I don't think we could do it in the next thousand years. Might not be...
I think by the time, I think by 3000, if we're still kicking. - Dude, you think we're moving planets in here at 3000? - I think we'll have planet propulsion. - Why, why do we need to do that? - Not much will have changed, but we're just gonna be living underwater at that point. - There's no reason to invent that. - I'm just gonna say, 'cause then we can bring more planets into the solar system and then we can have-- - We're gonna stack our solar system with planets?
We could. We're going to go on errands to get other planets? And then have cheap economic transfer between them. Think about this. We get 10 different planets. We line them up with Earth. We have them going the same speed. Now, all of a sudden, that's the vacation planet.
Wait, so... That's cool, man! That's cool! I know, but I'm just confused on why we're going on errands to get other planets. We're not going on errands! There's money to be made! Do you know what this is like? This is like saying, kids, kids, do you want to go to Disney World? And they're like, yeah, Dad! And Dad's like, great, I'm bringing it here. Yeah! Like, versus going. I mean, I don't know. I guess, like, it's possible...
But why would we? To make money. To make money. Where are we getting these other planets? Mars. I'll bring it closer. So one planet. We're bringing Mars and we're putting in Mercury, Venus. Where are we putting them? Where we create it. In the Earth orbit. In the habitable zone. For that mass of planet. Dude, what the fuck are you talking about?
I'm making sense. So we're going to pull all the planets in... Make a planet.
I'm saying! Well, I mean that actually, no that makes sense. I mean that's, you're just describing like a, you're describing just a spaceship. Like a fancy planet spaceship, right? Yeah! Like a big net? No! What are you talking about a big, are you talking about how to catch, how to catch the- I said nothing about a net. How are we gonna catch the planets? Are we gonna do it with a net? Yeah, like how are we, what are we doing, a big claw? How are we gonna move it? You need, you need a method of propulsion that hasn't been invented yet. You need to stop, you need to stop the planet. Wait.
Okay, so either you need to stop the planet from rotating or you need to put like a shit ton of rockets everywhere on the planet. Yeah, we gotta put a bunch of rockets on that thing. Let me tell you something. We launch probes into space that travel for decades before they reach their target. And these things go millions of miles to meet little tiny fucking comets.
to meet them and land on them based on where we calculated they'd be decades prior. And the math always works out. If you're telling me that in a thousand years, we won't be able to do that shit on a much bigger scale, then fuck you, man. I just think that the thrusters, the scale of putting thrusters on a planet, you know?
Tucker, what are you shaking your head? Stop thinking with oil and gas, Ted. Stop thinking with ignition. Start thinking with warp drive. We'll have it all solved. We're talking fusion. We're talking fucking fusion planet warp. We're going to warp the fucking planet. You know what? Fuck it. Yeah, I'm in. I'm in.
Yeah. Good. I mean, I'm down. I guess, you know, I guess Halo happens in like the year 2500 and that's like, that's pretty fucking accurate in my brain.
You know, I get frequently disappointed. Like, honestly, once a month I get disappointed where I'm like, man, the shit they can do in Halo, like all the fucking space shit they can do in Halo. I'm like born too early for fucking Covenant War. Like that's where I'm at. Yeah, man, I'm looking down and I'm thinking like this thing still hasn't fucking moved.
I'm not in the Andromeda galaxy right now. When are we going to pick this thing up and scram, guys? Yeah, let's get, yeah. Sometimes we just got to, also, also, just saying, and this is probably one of my most delusional thoughts I give myself. I feel like if I tried really hard, I could become a Spartan in Halo. I'm still in the Halo thing. I'm...
In Halo. Yeah, what do you have to... Don't you have to, like, fucking get in a big suit and get, like, nails drilled into you? Well, that's what they had to do in the first round of Spartans. But then later on, they got really... They got way better at, like, doing the augmentation and stuff. Well, yeah, you gotta get nails in you. Maybe, like... They're not, like, medical nails, though. But, like, they got way better at the augmentation where they stopped using, like, orphans. And, like...
Later on, it was like by the fucking fifth game or something, it was like people who used to be like ODST could become Spartans. How to become a Spartan Halo. Jesus got four nails in him. That didn't stop him. That's true. That's true. He did come back. And you know what? They hated him because he spoke the truth.
Jesus was the first Spartan, guys. Is there a lot of information that's too much? There's a lot of information. Do you think you have perfect psychological and genetic markers for strength, agility, and also do you have a predisposition to aggression?
That's in here. A little bit. You think so? You know, like sometimes when it comes to like doing something like I was very aggressive in the dodgeball thing. We lost the dodgeball tournament, Ludwig's dodgeball tournament. That's because I had fucking Cutie Cinderella who fucking submitted to the team on our second game. Like she was the last person there. We were like, you just got to catch one and I'll be back in. I'm going to start slaying bodies. She fucking got on her knees and prayed.
I got bad news. I got bad news. It sounds like you would not be one of the lucky people to be broken into their house, injected with a sedative, and rushed through slip space. That's the first program, okay? That's the first program. Oh, sorry. That was the shitty one. Let's get forward. That's the one that Master Chief is. But I'll tell you one thing. I would be a little bit...
I would be a little bit hesitant to just say on the podcast that I have perfect genetics because that seems like a dangerous road to go down. No, I think you should. I think you should. Do you feel like you have... Well, yeah, that must have been an awkward conversation for these scientists. Like, what's your perfect genetic markers exactly? Yeesh. Yeah. Yeah, that seems like... So do you? So do you? No, I... The fifth? The fifth pleading it is what I'm doing. Mm-hmm.
I don't know if we're going to send a guy into your house in the night, dude. I don't know. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. That's fair. That's fair. I don't know. I think that's a good aspiration, though. Let's see. I will say, in Schlatt's defense, moving back to the island or the planet thing, it would be kind of cool having all the planets in one big orbit. And, you know, you got like the casino planet. That's Venus. You got the fucking...
Like, I don't know, agriculture planet. That's Mars. Probably going to have the poor planet. That's Mercury. You've got the fucking... That's where we'll send them. Are we going to go all the way and get like Pluto and shit? Dude, I don't know. I'm just thinking if we get the big ones, it's going to be a little awkward when we start orbiting around them. You know what I mean?
We'll have figured it out. Yeah. Yeah. No, we'll have figured it out. You're right. Why am I thinking, I'm thinking about monkey shit. We know the math, man. They'll make free body diagrams. We'll figure all this shit out. Oh, we get like a monkey planet. That'd be kind of cool too. A monkey planet. And we just put all the monkeys there and just like, we put all the monkeys there and then, you know, assuming we can do anything at the year 3000, cause that's kind of what the vibe is right now. If we can move planets, it feels like we can do anything. We trap them in a temporal bubble. What if we are the monkey planet?
We kind of are. We actually actively are right now because we have monkeys here. But we put all the monkeys on like mercury or something once it's all habitable and stuff. We make a temporal bubble. What does that mean to you? It means a time bubble.
Right. And we start speeding that up and we see what happens if we just leave and we speed it up kind of like they do in Black Mirror with that little dial. If you've ever seen like... Oh, we speed up all the monkeys? We speed up their time there and we see what happens and we see if we can make a monkey society. That sounds horrifying. I feel like they would. It's kind of like Planet of the Apes but with more steps and more science. Yeah. And like we're causing it directly. But wouldn't we want to see Monkey City? Yeah.
I do. Okay, here's the thing. Like, I feel like given the choice, I would just evolve everything just to see what would happen. You want an evolve gun? Yeah, I want an evolve gun. Like, okay, but I don't know. I feel like if I, like, evolved all the, like, if I evolved every fish, like, do you think they'd be chill with me? What the heck? Because I evolved them. Wait, Charlie. What?
That's my little guy. My package is here. Is it here? Should I go get it? Should I go get it? Oh, my God. Live? Live? Should I go open it live right now? Yeah, dude. I think it's locked in the mailbox thing, and I couldn't... No, that's all right. That's all right. That's all right. So, I mean, I don't know. Is there another segment now? Is there sort of like a more physical segment where like...
Like any sort of like intermission coming up where like someone, uh, and I'm not sure us three are probably gonna be talking to someone like if there was a little dance around a little bit. Oh my God. Get out of here. Let's see your dance moves. Oh dude. You already, you already did, man. You already did. Um,
No, but seriously, what do you guys do now? What do we do on the podcast? Well, we still do Chuckle Weeks. We did Chuckle Weekend. We hit 100 episodes. I had to burp. I had to burp again. I had to burp a third time. I saw you guys. Oh, you know what? I saw you guys make the Chuckle Sandwich, and I was so sad. I was so sad I didn't make the Chuckle Sandwich with you. Was it good? Yeah.
Was it good? No, it wasn't good at all. It tasted like shit. That makes sense. Did you add the meat for me? We did. Wasn't it like a huge piece of fucking ham? It was a huge ham steak. Yeah, it was a massive ham steak. A whole, full ham steak. I mean that much. Wow. Yeah, dude. Thank you. Yeah, man. That means a lot. Yeah, I mean, what do you have? I mean, how long? Oh, I guess we have been going for an hour and 20. So, I mean, should we do the...
Should we do like the what you have going on thing? Oh my God. Are you going to roll out the red carpet to me? That camera. What the fuck? This is fucking surreal. I've never been red carpeted on this show. Tell the people watching at home what you got going on. This feels wrong. I don't like this.
I don't like this. What do you got going on, Charlie? This will come out. I feel like if you're red carpeting me, now it's real. Now it's real two years later. It's so fucked, dude. All right, all right. This camera, this camera, this camera. Yeah, I just, before I do that, I was just, I want you to do one more thing for me. If you're going to ask me to roll out the red carpet, if you're going to roll it out to me, can you ask me the question? Shall I take it away?
I've never been on this side before. Actually, I mean, upon the original asking, technically, you and I, Charlie, were on the receiving end the first time you said it. No? Okay, never mind. Don't remember that. Charlie. Look me in the eyes. You got it. Would you rather unlimited bacon, but no more games or games?
Unlimited games, but no games. Are you okay? Did you just come in your pants? Did you just come in your pants? I think he just came in his pants, Ted. I just nogged myself. That's it? Are we not going to get an answer? I don't know! You know what? You know what, guys? You know what? I think I'd probably have to go with... No! What's that?!
No, Charlie, no! Please answer! Please! Charlie, no! No! No! No! Oh, man. He died again. Jeez. Shit.
If that happened to anyone else on our podcast, we'd have a problem. No one would ever want to come. If people just disappeared and lost their existence and went to hell. That would be bad. That would be a bad thing. Crazy that it's we kill him and he reappears twice though. He does. On one time it's like, oh, that's crazy. Second time it's like,
Okay, this is kind of getting out of control. Makes me wonder how effective we are at killing them. Not very effective. No. Not very effective. Or Charlie's just got a lot of unfinished business. I'd imagine he does. Yeah. Geez. Wow. Well. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
Tucker, laugh. Tucker, start laughing, baby. Oh, I'm laughing. Oh, what an episode. Merry Christmas, everybody. Merry Christmas, Chucklers. See you next year.
Oh, we need another shipment of white phosphorus. Yeah, we do. We need a ghost kind to ectoplasm phosphorus. You need to send some emails out right now.
