The Chuckle Sandwich Holiday Special! ft. Charlie Slimecicle
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Well, Schlatt, here we are. It's the holiday season, baby. Oh my god. I love Christmas. I love Christmas. The holidays are here. The snow, it's not falling in sunny Los Angeles, and I'm sure it's not there in Austin, Texas. Certainly is not falling snow in Austin, Texas. If it was, people would be dying. So I'm a little happy. You know, Schlatt, though, these times of years, I feel like

I reflect more often on our loss. Our loss? Our loss. We make so much money doing this podcast. I don't know what you're talking about. We may have very little overhead on this podcast. Very little. Tucker gets paid dollars. You know, we may have lost something very important, a little boy that we blew up.

Yeah. Yeah. I wonder where he is now, you know? Is he in heaven or is he in hell? It does kind of get in the way of spreading that holiday cheer, you know? Because sometimes it'll just pop up in the back of my head. It's like, oh, yeah, we killed him. We did send that pipe bomber to his house, which was...

Kind of rude. It was rude. It was rude. It was a whole giant pipe bomb full of bombs and full of fear. There were multiple. There were multiple bombs. You know, he walked right into it. I mean, it was like a giant piece of C4 in there. There was like, I think TNT. I think there was like some sort of...

white white phosphorus yeah that was the most fucked up part we should we didn't have to do the white phosphorus part and we still we still opted for that package uh whoa whoa whoa hold on what what is that what is that is it that's a it's a present there's a present there's a present there ted

There's a present waiting for us. A Christmas present? A surprise? It's a Christmas present in an unknown room. I don't know where that is. Do you know where that is? I don't recognize this room at all. This is not something that we're used to on the Chocolate Sandwich Podcast. This is not. Should we open the present? You know what, Schlatt? I think that maybe we should open that present. What?

Well, I'm feeling a little naughty. It is before Christmas right now. Wait, wait, wait. It's moving. It's moving. It's moving. What the heck? What the heck? He said moving around. Ted, I don't know. I've never seen anything like this before. Oh! What the? Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh my god! Oh my fucking god! What the fuck? Holy shit! What the? Who is that? Who's that man? Who is that? It's Charlie! Oh my god! It's a Christmas miracle! Ted! Slatt! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas, everyone! Welcome to the Chuckle Sandwich Holiday Episode! Yeah! What day is it? Where am I?

December? It is December, yeah. It has been. It's December. It's been seven months. What? Oh, I think I remember. I opened a box and everything got really hot and then it all went black.

It's probably the white phosphorus that'll do that. Good to see you guys again. Good to see you guys again. It's so good to see you, man. Wow. Do you like my little present for you? Yeah. Was it good? Yeah, it was. You're a beautiful little present. You're a little Christmas miracle. Oh, thank you. No, you're my little Christmas miracle. So let me put my jingly hat on for you. Wow. He's back, man. He's back. He's back.

So what are you guys doing now? What do you do on this thing now? What sort of silly goose and bits do we get up to? Okay, well, we've been trying our best. I don't want to make it awkward, but we brought... I mean, there's someone else here in your absence. There's someone else, Charlie. There's someone else. We do have another member of the podcast. I don't know if you know. Yeah.

He's not an official host, but he's more like a little grimbly. We hired a grimbly. Well, I was kind of a little grimbly, wasn't I?

Yeah, yeah, he was, wasn't he? He was kind of a little grimbly, but this is a different one. He's still speaking about him in past tense. Been in the box for a long time. I did start to run out of air in there, and I was getting a little worried how long you guys were doing the opening bit, so you called on me just in time. Oh, that's good. I forgot to poke holes. You were dying to get out of that present. I forgot to poke holes. Well, welcome one and all.

the naughty and the nice to the chuckle sandwich holiday episode, baby. Yeah. Hold on. Keep shaking it. Yeah. Oh man. Oh yeah. Oh man.

We're so excited to have you back, Charlie. I mean, you are just looking bright and beautiful and you know what? Thank you. I'll say it. Sexy. Whoa. I did miss the flesh colored shirts. I really did. I mean, I had a whole wardrobe. I had a whole wardrobe of options this morning and I,

vividly flashback to all the times I had read a chuckle sandwich comment and it's like I love Charlie so much but does he really have to keep wearing the skin shirt like every episode like again it's the same I click on every chuckle sandwich episode and I'm like whoa there he is no nips Charles

Well, it didn't help. It really didn't help that every episode your nipples were extremely hard. I do try and keep them hard. Yeah, ready for action. In case I need a cutting tool or anything like that. He primes himself for the episode by giving a good rubbing. I do. A little good rubbing. I do. Good rubbing before a good chubbing. You can't judge me for that. You can't judge me for that. Whenever I go down a slide, there's two little sleigh marks afterwards. Oh, yeah.

Well, you're back. You go down a slide face first. We should probably talk about that. Torpedo style. That's the only way, man. It's straight down Superman.

Dude, hello. Welcome back. It's been a while. There's some scenery changes. This is so exciting. I just want to say hi to everyone. Hi, Schlatt. I see you're naughty as always. I'm more awty than anything. You are a little awty, aren't you? Yeah. Yeah, you're a little freak. He's an awty little boy. Ted's got all his bows. Oh, man.

Got my bows because Target ran out of Santa hats, so I had to dress myself up like a present. I honestly, I like it. I feel like you're pulling it off. Thank you. Oh, man. Hey, Tucker. And then we've got, wow. I thought this play out shot. You're the guy, huh? I'm the guy. And Charlie, I got to break something to you now before they shut me up again. They said if I came and I found you and I finished you off, they would let me take your spot as a full co-host. Well, you didn't do that very well, did you, Tucker? No.

Did you want me to? Do I want you to finish me off? Like, kill you. For good. Listen, man. So we know the bomb was just a cover-up. The bomb was... No, that was a real bomb, okay? And that didn't work. He was reincarnated by the power of Christmas. I don't know what you're gonna try and pull, but let me tell you, no matter what you do, December 25th comes around and there will be a second man coming down your chimney.

Oh, shit. That was a vague... I put a lot of emphasis on coming in that sentence, Tucker. But I want to say what I mean is I'm going to go down your chimney and then I'm going to get you back. Bring it. And maybe I finally will get that spot.

You guys got a really aggressive guy here for the third spot. I didn't feel like we needed any more of that energy, but Jesus. We hired a veteran. Oh my God. I won't stop until I get that spot.

He won't stop. He's unrelenting. Yeah, he was in the special forces, and he's trained to hunt down little guys. Oh, my God. Little Grimblies, specifically. What's your Grimbley count, man? It's classified. Oh, shit. Wow. Can you round for me? Dozens, hundreds, thousands? It's at least three digits. I'll give you that. Boom.

Jeez, that's a lot of Grimleys. Well, hey. Oh, man. Charlie's back, everybody. Yeah, man. Charlie's back on Chuckle Sandwich. I'm so happy. There's some stuff going on back there that, you know, it looks to me, and forgive me my memories. Yeah, go for it, man. If it's, you know, ailing me, if it's not working properly. It usually does that. It usually, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, I have a lot of intrusive bad thoughts. Yeah. And you act on them.

Frequently. More often than I'd like to. But... In an addictive manner. In an addictive manner. It's like a nitrous gauge in Need for Speed. The more awful things I do, the more momentum and force I wield. Yeah, and then you could win the race and get the pink card so you get a new car. Exactly. Because you can't stop buying cars. What was your combo meter at when you stopped in 98? My combo meter? Well, actually, it peaked in 99.

Oh! It did. It did. But, you know, this isn't about me. This is about you, Charlie. This is about... I really would not like to talk about that. Okay, all right. All right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for bringing you up. My memory might deceive me, but this is a different location for you. I mean, what happened to the wall that was like a foot away from you? No more wall. Where are you? No more wall. I've got my new buddies here. I've got my new little pal. Yeah, there's a man. My new little guy. Do you like him? He's my little guy. What is...

What is wrong with his legs, man? Yeah, you have a hole on mannequin. This is my little guy. Have you been practicing judo with him?

You want to see? I actually did do that. I was going to flip him again, but I did that for a bit in my previous house and I put a hole in the ceiling. So I'm not going to go through that again. You can see he's kind of been through the ring a little bit. He's beaten up a little bit. His eyes are really close together. I know. This was a $100 purchase from Spirit Halloween that I have yet to regret.

Wow. Yeah, I absolutely love him. He's good in a variety of different sort of positions. As he bends him over. Yeah, he's a funny guy. You can twist him. You can twist him. You can throw him around. But yes, I've moved. I have moved. I am now officially... I've sort of been keeping it on the down low because I don't want to get too parasocial with anyone. But I'm now officially a homeowner of...

Had my first gas leak. Found out I've been drinking uranium for like a month. Property! Home warranties, baby! Wait, are we just going to roll over that? Are we going to roll over the fact that Joey just said it was leaking uranium? That doesn't surprise me.

Dude, uranium. That's real, by the way. Yeah, I know. I believed you. Why? We have an odd poll for a bit. So apparently the Earth just has it. I'm sorry my autofocus keeps targeting my little boy. Let me get his head out of the frame there. He does have to get the... Oh, he's wearing the classic shorts too, man. It's like nothing changed. Dude, he's got the classic Charlie shorts. I'm still chuckling. I'm still chuckling.

So it turns out the Earth is full of funny little chemicals like uranium, which is meant to stay there, right? Right. And so what I found out is in my cute little water softener down here... Love those. ...full of salt, my water is quite hard. It's quite hard water. But it also...

has a very high gross alpha, which, uh, for, for those of you that are, that are buying a home, um,

or those of you who've been called the gross alpha before, it is essentially... A bunch of little alpha male, a bunch of little Andrew Tates swimming around. We have a lot of them nowadays. Gross alphas are generally high right now. It's just like radioactive material, and uranium is factored into that. So we had someone come down to water test because ours was a little higher, and I looked it up, and I was like, hmm, cancer in my bones. Don't really want that. So I looked it up, had someone come down,

And they were like, oh, the inspector checked your sink water and the gross alpha was high, which means the gross alpha is actually higher because they didn't test the water it was coming from. And so they went down and they were like, that's a lot of uranium. Holy shit. So we're getting a whole new water system and I've got to reach out to the guys that I bought this house from to be like, hey, so...

Are you like sticking to walls lately? Do you notice things frequently shatter in your grasp when you go to pick things up?

Are your bones a little more lumpish? Have you been wearing an old-timey computer on your wrist and listening to 40s music? Do you hear static? Are you feeling a little more concave than usual? Yeah.

That is crazy because... Is your skin upside down? I don't think anybody even considers what the fuck a water softener even does. No. I remember I moved into this place and the homeowner was like... I'll be the one to say that I don't. You don't even know what a water softener is, do you? Yeah. I've always thought that water is generally pretty malleable as a liquid. No, it's not. That's the thing.

Houses have water softeners sometimes. And I did my little thing here and the homeowner called me up. We had a specific call about the water softener. And he gives me a tour of the garage. And he's like, you need to pour salt in this at very specific intervals or the water will get hard. Like it'll get turned on. No, no, not it won't. You're gross, man. You're really gross. You're a gross alpha. Like the water will get a knobber.

I don't know. I still don't really know how it works. So I learned. So this water person came in and they gave me like a whole... I'm sorry. This isn't very Christmassy, guys. Do you even want me to talk about hard rock water? It's kind of funny. Okay. So this person comes in. She's got like... She was such a character. She was from Florida. She owned a water business. She had like a little dog that she kept on her like...

her thing. She, she, she put the dog down at the water and have it lick it and be like, Oh yeah, your uranium is really high. My dog's starting to glow green. It was like this little fucking like shih tzu pug thing clearly wasn't meant to really have been made. And she had it on like oxygen too. Like she would like be testing water and the pug would start going and she'd be like, Oh, I'm so sorry about that. She'd like pull a tube out and put it on the things and try to like get away. She'd be like, breathe buddy, breathe. Um,

And so she was, she was like, you know, dipping stuff in and showing us what the water did. But hard water means that like, it's like PPL. It's like parts per liquid or something like that. I'm sorry to all the water enjoyers in the chat if I'm wrong. But she showed us like these little tubes full of rocks. And she was like, okay, the harder your water is, the more rocks you're getting in like more water.

So it's kind of, it's like sediment. It's like if you, if you have really hard water and you poured out a shit ton of water, at least how I understand it into like a big old jug and you just let it sit, a bunch of sediment would fall to the ground. So I had just been drinking like uranium rocks for like a month. Um, so I'm, I, what's up guys? It's me, Charlie Rock. Uranium fever. Well, that's been me.

That's been me. Anything else going on with the house? Has it been a difficult adjustment for you? Actually, it's been, it's been really, really nice. Um, bitless, bitless answer. Okay. So disclaimer going in, but I have never, I mean, I've always, you know, had a, um,

remain next door or someone next to me or a neighbor that doesn't really like me that much or anything or like a landlord and you don't realize how it's so stressful man it's so stressful like i lived i used to live across from this like

um this old couple that would just like they would just like do things like plant trees and then throw the empty dirt bags on my doorstep like they hated me so much I tried to say hi to them and they'd just like grunt at me and be mad and

They like brush leaves onto my door and they were so mad. That's also so insane because they have to be the most abrasive person if Charlie is having a hard time being friendly. I did. I did. I did. And I just, I just, I mean, also, you know, no, no way, you know, no, not that I think one way or the other, but Halloween came around. They were a lights off household. So I think, I think that tells you all you need to know. And I've got a feeling guys, Christmas is,

It's not going to be too bright either. Were they handing out dots?

I bet they were handing out dots. I bet they were handing out fucking... I bet they were handing out milk duds. I was gonna say that. I fucking hate milk duds, man. I fucking hate milk duds, man. It's the worst fucking candy. It's the worst. They're foul, bro. Wait, hold on. Milk duds. They're foul. You might as well just squirt... You've had a milk dud. You just squirt hot glue in your mouth and then try and chew it. That is akin to a milk dud. If milk duds were called

loogies they'd they'd effectively still be the same are you guys collectively thinking of something different milk duds are just caramels in chocolate the yellow box that has two or three of them in it that is the worst the absolute worst you by the time you finish one it's fucking dark out and your mouth is just like webbing inside you're just like trying to breathe you can't even breathe

It feels like you got a new filling, like at the dentist. If you chew with your molars, you'll seal your mouth closed. That shit hides for months in there. I hate caramels, I think, just in general. Like, I can't. I can't do it. If it's like a little Snickers cock vein caramel, that's okay. But if it's like a whole caramel caramel, chewy bulbuli, you know, getting my cracks. Oh, there's nothing better than a Snickers with a solid cock vein on there. Oh, yeah. The king size. My gosh.

The king-size Cock Bane. The king-size Snickers with the Cock Bane. The Cock Bane. I've got great memories of that in 12th grade. I guess while we're on the topic, though, what's your guys' favorite Christmas treat? We are in the holiday season. Could be your favorite Hanukkah treat, too.

Okay. Yeah, dreidel's good. I mean... I love chewing on a wooden dreidel. Crunchy, crunchy, crunchy. Crunchy little dreidel. Kind of like croutons for a salad or something like that. You can throw that in a blender. The wood chips are great. You spin it and you land on the rare eat the dreidel side of the dreidel. I apologize. I don't really know how Hanukkah works. My favorite little Christmas treat are those little sugar cookies.

But not the crappy ones that you get at the grocery store that come in the trays. Not the little discs with the circle of icing that's really thick. I do like those. They're a controversial cookie. I thought they were good, man. And then I got them again and they were fucking awful. Okay. Well, maybe something shifts when you become a landowner. I think it's because every grocery store makes them.

So there's always a slight difference. Maybe like when you had them as a kid, different grocery store. You're right. That is true. I'm not talking about those, though. I'm talking about they're thinner, they're crispier, they're crunchier. They're in the shape. They're sugar cookies in the shape of like a tree, mostly a tree or like maybe a candy cane. Yeah. And then the sprinkles on them exclusively green and red sprinkles, but they're tiny. They're tiny like dots. Are they the dots? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Exactly. Those are my favorite Christmas treat. Favorite. I know exactly what you're talking about. I would say one of my favorite Christmas treats is every year my mom would make this recipe. And the name of them is not because they're my mom's recipe, but because she found the recipe online and started making them. But they are called Mom's Mint in the Middles.

And they're like these double chocolate cookies with like one of those mint chocolate things. And they're put in the middle of it. I feel like that's... Is that what a Thin Mint is or is that different? It's... I mean, I guess it's not exactly like a Thin Mint because it's like they're really chocolatey. And they're really dense and like...

They're decadent. They're a decadent cookie. And she makes them pretty much every year as far as I can remember. What did you say they're called? Mommy Cookie? What am I looking? Mommy Cookie? They're called Mommy's Cute Little Cookie. Mommy? Yeah. No, I think they're called Mom's Mint in the Middles. Mom's Mint in the Middles.

Sounds a little too spicy for me, but I get you. Yeah, that is a bit spicy. Just a little spicy? I don't tend to eat that much hot things. Really hot, hot, hot, spicy, hot. Yeah, yeah.

Do you guys both have some sort of gene where mint makes you taste spice? Okay, okay, okay. I will say to me... It's like the cilantro soap gene, but with spice and mint. Mint and spice in my brain do occupy like a really close space. Really? So I don't know how fucking white that makes me or what, but like they definitely are similar in like...

Wah, wah, wah. Does that make sense? Yeah, I suppose they're similar in the wah, wah, wah. Yeah, you get that feeling. It's wah, wah, wah. You know what I'm talking about. Aren't they like opposite though? Because one makes hot, one makes cold. One makes cooled. Yeah. Yeah.

Hmm. No, you're right. I guess I don't know why my I don't know why my brain does it. But I do feel like it's a similar thing where it's it's zesty going down and then breathing gets a little funny. Like it's in that kind of category. That's a good way to put it. It's also a little leafy.

It's a little leaf, and spices are little leaves, too. So we have to assume here, then, that your favorite Christmas treat is not too hot and not too cold. It cannot be a spicy one, and it cannot be a minty one. What do I think it is? What do you think it is? I know what it is. Well, I would hope so. You strike me as a little ginger boy. Oh? Maybe a little gingerbread action going on.

Ginger, ready for this? Ginger snap. Are you locking these in? It sounds like I got it wrong, but I'll lock it in. Are you locking it in? I'll lock in gingerbread house. I am a... Dude, you just take the whole gingerbread house. A fresh, out of the oven, homemade icing, gingerbread cookie.

And you know what else? You know what else? I am historically the only person in the house that attempts every year to eat the house, too. That's me. Oh, you eat the house. I eat the house. How do you think the gingerbread man feels about that? I'm the titan. I go for the real estate first, and then I go for the tennis every year.

Do you have a new understanding of what that means and what you're actually doing this year, being a landowner? Now that I'm a homeowner, yeah. I feel like I get it a lot more. Because before, I didn't really get it. I'd just say, time to foreclose, and then just jam my hand in through a window, grab a kid, pull him out. And then they got 24 hours to simmer on that before I'm back. Happy holidays. Right.

But now, now that I know that I could be poisoning them with uranium, I could be starting a gas leak. I could be like putting, I could just put a smell in the air and it would probably freak them out. True. I could probably just put a smell in the air. I could do anything. Take a water softener. Pop it up. Take all that salt, all that salt. Yep. That water's hard. That shit's coming out one big tube. Yeah.

Any sort of unauthorized smell is a bit worrisome in the context of your place. Imagine if you just inserted just a subtle, sweet smell into your house. Like syrupy. Yeah, what if you just started smelling something syrupy everywhere? Like it was in the air. I would be happy. That's not a bad smell. No, no, no. I'd be scared. You wouldn't be worried?

Like if it came out of nowhere. I'd be scared there's some kind of bug. I'd be scared there's like a bug in the walls and it's like making like a little... It's like making... Sending out its pheromones. And I smell it. If it's a pleasant smell though, what's the problem? Okay, but like you didn't make that smell. So?

Listen, I live in a scent-controlled home, okay? If there is a new scent, if it is a sweet scent, I'm tracking that shit down, man. That's true. That's fair. I honestly can't believe you. I have seen videos of people who will get their AC vents and put little air freshener packets right on the vent so that all the new air that comes in is smelling all fresh and nice. Huh.

Put that in your pipe and suck on it. I got a... Yeah, that's good. I got a... Like a car tree...

Oh, yeah. The little trees. I forgot we just did shit on this podcast. Like one of those fucking trees that you like gradually pull down. But I didn't know that when I was a kid. So I just kept getting them and ripping them off and putting them in cars because I thought it was awesome. I got a new car smell one and it doesn't smell like a new car. It just makes me want to throw up. And for some reason, I keep it in the car. And I don't know. I feel like I got to get rid of it.

I have like 10 of those in my junk drawer right now because they specifically do not smell anything like the new car smell. No, they don't. No, it's fucked up. Is the new car smell a consistent smell? Do we know that? Yes. Okay. I feel like I've been in enough new cars and it feels pretty consistent. Is it leathery? I don't know what I'd call it. Maybe a little fake leathery. I don't know. It's just pleasant. It's just pleasant.

I've never really known what the new car smell smells like because I've been keeping the same car for so many years. Even Tucker knows what the new car smell smells like. Exactly. And Charlie, it has gotten bigger since you've left. Are you serious? The lore is now that it is a basketball football sized hole. Basketball football sized hole. So at this point, it's more of a skateboard than a car.

When it starts to lose speed, you're going uphill. You put one foot out and start kicking up. I do a little bit of that. Tucker was visiting me in LA. Whenever we were driving around in that car, he would be like, Ted, you know, this thing's dead. I was describing it to... I was on the phone with my dad the other day. I was describing it to him. I was like, the truck is...

is to cars as a 14 year old small dog is to dogs. Just like, it's like that dog I was talking about, the one on just oxygen, just like barely making it into rooms. Yeah, it's just on, it's on a ventilator right now. It's just not, it's just not his time yet. I know exactly what you're talking about. I'm considering getting a new vehicle.

You should have done that years ago. What would you get, man? You're just now considering it? Yeah, I'm considering it. I'm considering getting a newer Tacoma. That's what I'm considering. This time with four doors instead of just the two. Because it has the extended cab where I would have to open up the seat and be like, alright, climb on in and we'd have to choose the smallest person in our party to go in the back. Frequently me.

I remember the back of the Tacoma very well. Yeah, you have to turn your knees to the left. Yeah, right. Fully like you need to let all the air out of your lungs to ride in it.

like you're caving yeah dude i i am fucking terrified of caving now i never knew anything about it and i went down this whole i went down this whole of uh of um videos about it recently and i didn't know any of that shit like people like suck all the air out of their lungs and like squeeze through these cracks yeah that is awful that is so terrifying that is so fucked it is like

It's one of those things where like caving and those people doing videos caving, they have to be the perfect human because they hit so many marks of where the majority of people's fears lie. Claustrophobia, the dark, like small spaces. I guess that counts as claustrophobia. Yeah. Not breathing for an extended, like suffocation. Yeah.

Yeah, I guess this is where we differ because I don't feel like the perfect human would do that. No, the perfect human... Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's a crazy person. There's a lot of scruples there. Well, it's fucking scary, man. They're doing that to escape of... They do... Think about it this way. If you're going down into a... They do have one addition. If you're going down into a cave, there's something up there that you're more scared of. Right? Yeah. There's...

There's something that they add there that is the non-preferable trait, which is a inhuman amount... Like, a sociopathic lack of fear is what's going on there. Yeah, I can't even... Or as Schlatt's saying, a higher than normal...

collection of fear in which they are running away from someone that they descend into the earth. A constant feeling like they will be attacked from above by maybe a hawk. Such an intensive case of ornithophobia that they've become a subterranean man.

That's how my guinea pigs are. When you come in at them from above, they think you're a bird and they're going to die. So maybe some people get that. Maybe some people get the pig genome and they just think that they're constantly in danger from drop attacks. Flying things are like flying above them, descending upon them. Or is that just like you could just be above them and looking down is enough? They like... It's...

I mean, I guess it's the difference between seeing a 20-foot tall man crawling at you and a 100-foot man walking at you. Does that make sense? Like, to put it in context of, you know, reality. They live in Attack on Titan. Yeah, like if you see a 20-foot tall man crawling at you, you're like...

holy shit, but like, okay, what do I need to do here? If you see a 100-foot man walking at you, yeah, I think you're going to maybe start hating. For some reason, I'm seeing that creepy smile from Attack on Titan in both instances. So the crawling is almost worse. Oh, yeah. It's like, fuck this. Oh, shit. The guinea pigs are good, though? The guinea pig? The guinea pigs are good? Yeah, I love them. They're great. Do you have them in Christmas sweaters?

I... they do not like being dressed. They run around all naked like... What the hell man? Why not? You own them. Yeah, you should be able to do whatever you want with those things. But, but, but, but, because you'll like this. I do have a little Christmas tree that they have right next to the cage that stays up. We have a big one. They have a little one. It's very cute. That is nice. Are you giving them presents?

I'm giving them presents. They get all sorts of little toys. I've been giving them little treats, little pumpkin treats. Trinkets. None of them are dead? Nope.

Not yet. Sometimes they get me. Sometimes they get me. Sometimes I'll walk out and they'll definitely be in a roadkill adjacent position and I'll be a little worried. Like a family guy after they fall down stairs? Yeah, yeah. Well, one of them sleeps, like, one of them sleeps eyes open, just, like, kind of laying down, like, looking straight ahead and she'll, like, stare into your soul. And the other one just sleeps, like...

on her side, like usually like under a blanket or something. So there's just like a fucking lump. Um, she doesn't, she's kind of a rough sleeper. So you'll go over and you'll be like, Hey, uh, Guinea pig. And you'll like shake her around. She's like not moving. Um,

Like you forget their name and you're like, hello guinea pig. Hello guinea pig. I was telling Charlie now that he owns this place that you've got to create a system of tunnels that go throughout your house in which the guinea pigs can travel through. I feel like that'd be so cool. It'd be like a... And then you've got to get like ten more guinea pigs and just have it be a society. Mm.

And then just keep track of them and then grant them rain or fire. I have two right now, and I feel like three is the threshold. That's the point of no return, to be honest. I feel like as soon as you have three guinea pigs, it's no longer, hey, I own guinea pigs. It's I'm the keeper of a herd, right? I don't think anymore. I'm a shepherd now. I'm a shepherd, and this is my flock.

Is it true that these guinea pigs get into really precarious situations? I think that's hamsters you're thinking of. Almost as if they have no will to live. That's hamsters. Is it hamsters? Hamsters are the ones that will just throw themselves off of beds and landing off, jumping off of a bed is equivalent to like... So fucking dumb. Like a skyscraper, yeah. Yeah, it's like they just frequently throw themselves off of skyscrapers.

No, guinea pigs are not... Tucker, you got any more info on that? Well, I didn't know that hamsters and guinea pigs were two different things. Okay, hamsters are... The difference is hamsters are like the size of a fucking fist, and they look like... They're actually smaller, and they look like a weird little alien. They're like...

They're like if you had... They're like smaller chipmunks slightly. They're even like weirder built. They're like if you took like a quarter. They're almost mouse-like, I think. They covered it in fur. Yeah, guinea pigs are more like a little capybara or like a chunkier rat. But like a hamster? They're fucking weird, man. They're like flat. Are people generally a guinea pig person or a hamster person? They don't cross...

People usually aren't a hamster person for long. I don't even think the hamsters are hamster people. I don't think they are. They just try and get rid of them. I had this friend who had a hamster for less than two weeks. It died when... And I don't know why...

They had a bucket on their living room floor. Oh, no. Oh, no. But the thing was like half under the bucket, just peeking out, poking out under the bucket. Wait, I feel like I've heard this story. Yeah, I feel like I've told it. I feel like I've told it. Yeah, because before when I got guinea pigs, he told me this fucking story. Yeah, and then they sat on the bucket and the thing's eyes popped out. Jesus Christ. Cut in half like a little slice of Wagyu. What an insane thing for a hamster to do is like...

let me just set up my neck on the edge of this bucket that is upside down. He doesn't know. Why would a hamster even get into that position? That's like driving with your neck on the steering wheel, though. Do you see what I'm saying? It's like being in... I feel like hamsters are in optimal kill position at any given moment. And that's scary. Anything that small, I mean, even cats...

Wait, how's Jambo doing? Oh, he's great. Dude, he's great. He's doing fantastic. He's the little big boy again. All he does is... Well, we have the automatic feeder. Yeah. All he does is he sits about two feet away from the automatic feeder all day. And he's just in the loaf position. So he's just sitting all politely. And then it'll come out like three times a day. And he'll just slowly and just...

Just walk over to it.

That's all he does. That's his entire life now. So you made Garfield. Yeah. He did it. Is he gaining weight or is he just staying the same? He's about stable right now. He's definitely been fatter. He definitely has been because the first time he ate magnets, I was just like, oh, he must be hungry. Let me give him what he wants. Oh, no. Yeah. And then he got fat really quickly. And then he got fat and then I started weaning him off of all the food. And then he decided he would eat rubber.

And then I had to do the same thing again. I've spent so much money keeping this thing alive. It's insane. You've spent like the equivalent of almost a car on keeping this cat alive.

I could have, yes, I could have a perfectly well-running vehicle in my driveway if I did not care for Jambo as much. You do not need another one. No, I have many. You have many cars. Well, one of the things that we're going to be doing here today on the Chuckle Sandwich Holiday episode is that we asked you guys in our new section of the podcast called Chuckle Mail. Ooh.

And this Charlie's seen it for the first time. - This is so exciting. - And it's familiar too because we just take whatever we're doing and put chuckle at the beginning of it. - I consider myself a bit of a chuckle male. - There you go. And one of the questions that we asked you guys was what are the worst or best holiday stories that you have in your life?

And so we asked our audience this and you guys told us or more specifically told Tucker and Tucker went and found him and he's got him and he's ready. And he will now read the Chuckle Mail. And he will now read it himself.

Okay. Wyatt from the great state of Georgia says, worst experience, although it's nothing absolutely crazy, is when I got some of those dumb Mighty Beans toy things for Christmas. Hey, I remember those. Mighty Beans. You never saw the commercials? Mighty Beans! I don't know if that's even anything. They were like...

They were like these little fucking... You just yelled it without any sort of inclination. Well, okay, because all those old ads used to have some kind of shit, right? Honestly, I think you might be right where they go like, Mighty Beans! Mighty! That actually feels like it might be closer. Mighty Beans! But yeah, it's like a little bean and it has a little ball in it. And so you'd roll it down something. And because of the way the ball works, the bean would flip down it. Do you know Bean Yoda? Oh.

You know that image of like being Yoda? He's a Mighty Bean. My God. He is a limited time Mighty Bean. So there are other Mighty Beans like being Yoda. Holy shit. Dude, it was Mighty Beans. Mighty Beans. It was that fucking...

I'm getting hit with the fucking explosion of nostalgia right now. Do you remember them going down the slide in the ad? Yes, I do. I remember that there was a phase in maybe elementary or middle, probably elementary school, late elementary school, gotta be, maybe fifth or sixth grade, where there were like

It was a Boston-based bean brand. It was like the Beantown Beans. That's really good, man. No, I'm serious. Tucker, have you seen... Do you remember this? Yeah, the Beantown ones. Wait, what is Beantown Beans? Boston is like a Beantown. Beantown's a nickname for Boston. You guys are just saying B-words. I don't know what you're talking about. I really don't understand this. Tucker, could you find this...

I heart Beantown. When I was in elementary school, people liked Tech Decks and Silly Bands, not Beantown Beans. That wasn't really anything people were talking about. When I was in elementary school, we all had our little Pokewalkers. I remember that from the Pokemon game. And you'd put them on your hip and you'd walk around with them and they'd get legs poked. Ted, I think this is a niche thing, Ted.

It's gotta be a niche thing. I think this is as niche as Jordan's furniture. Is this as niche as Jordan's? Well, Charlie surely knows about Jordan's furniture. Hang on, I'm looking it up. I have no idea what Jordan's furniture is either. Okay, I'm losing my mind right now. This is actually kind of fucked. Not a store, an experience. We've only got Bob where I'm from. Okay, this is what I'm... I'm throwing it in the chat right now. Those top guys on the shelves there, on the... Those are the bean... Those are the...

Boston bean town. Yeah. They were just like these. I put it in the, in the chat. They're like these little collectible beans and like some of them were rare, but they were Boston exclusive. They were, they were mighty being like, why would you call a product Boston? Why would you limit its scope to just one little city? Well, it was called bean town. I'm just having an odd issue here. I don't, um, I don't see it in the, in the chat.

Almost as if... No, and if you look, so under recording, if you hover over it, there's an open chat thing there. Oh, okay. Oh!

You thought there was some kind of conspiracy. I was about to go in on them for turning me into a guest. What the? Wait, what are these? These aren't Mighty Beans, are they? They're Boston Beans, man. This is a whole different thing they've been going on about. Oh, wait. I remember that fucking apple, that angry ass apple. Why do I remember that guy?

I remember this being like a whole... Tucker, why are you sending... You're getting confused. I was just giving more context. Tucker, I'm confused. I remember this being like a huge thing when I was younger where it was like you collect them and then there was like really rare ones. And the people who had the rare ones were like, oh.

you're cool because you have the bean that, oh, you know. I don't even know how rarity was determined. He's got the god bean. He's got the god bean. They had little baseball caps that you could turn around or you could face them forward, I think. I think you could turn them around. Baseball caps on the beans. That's really awesome. Ted, your school must have been really fucking lame.

That they were into this shit and not into tech decks and not into silly bands. Not into Mighty Beans. I was literally about to say silly bands had a phase too. Yeah, silly bands were big. Tech decks are a constant. Tech decks got banned. I think we had this conversation too. Tech decks got banned at my school. What was the trick that did it?

Yeah, what was the trick? Some kid finally hit the 900. Kids were just fucking doing this in class. Yeah, they are loud. Just on the desk. They're loud as fuck. They're definitely loud. Yeah. And I was a little pussy. I never really understood how skateboards work. I still don't. Yeah. And so I would do the thing, but I would put my finger under it and kind of flip it up like that, like a...

I wouldn't do the thing where you have to go real quick and then... I used to do a thing where I would go like this, where I would have my top two fingers, my index finger and my ring finger on the top, and then my middle finger under it, so I could just control wherever it would go. Because I had leverage there. I would just put my two little fingers on it like he was a big guy.

guy and he'd only he'd only just go forward you'd only be able to skate i think sometimes he like turned like flipped it around but okay yeah skateboarding was never really my my thing unfortunately so for this for this chuckle mail thing they got a bunch of those mighty beans and they were upset yeah because the toy is so lame

Yep. Yeah. Nice landing, Tucker. Gosh. So what's going on here? Do you need to work something out here? There's some tension here that I think... No, it's okay. Probably not what I would have picked. I mean, but you know.

Well, here's one that you might have picked. This comes from Scrimmy Jim from France. It is, when I was eight, I woke up on Christmas morning to find that my hamster had died in the night. No! What happened? Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Is that all the explanation I get? That's it. That's it. You're freeing Chuckle listeners. When you have stuff like this for Chuckle Mail, give us a whole explanation. We need all the info.

I love having info chucklers. Okay? So when you submit something here, give us all the info we can. And honestly, what was his name? Silly Bands from France? Scrimmy Jim from France. Scrimmy Jim. That's pretty funny. That's a pretty funny username. Scrimmy Jim, you cucked us. You cucked us big time. We want to know more about your... And I'm glad your hamster died. What the hell?

It was bound to happen anyways. Yeah, it was bound to happen. You get a hamster, it's like literally you're just... You buy a hamster, they might as well just have some VFX and have just a timer over its head. Yeah. And it's less than a week every time. This doesn't say anything about guinea pigs, Charlie. Don't worry. I'm sorry that happened to you.

um and oh shit yeah we've got the moral compass back on the podcast i forgot about that oh god it's i i it's shifted we have gone off the rails i know well okay i guess i feel like that could have fitted in the in the subject line um really my hamster died i'm sorry though um

Okay, do you have any more fucking bummers you want to get out of the way, Tucker? The question was about bummers. Yeah, they're all bummers.

Okay. The worst things that happen to people at Christmas and we laugh and laugh and laugh. Why didn't we ask, like, what's the best thing? I did ask that in the thing. Did we ask, like, what's the worst thing? I said best and worst. I think Tucker just knows the worst. You come back on this one, it's going to be a great, like, cute little wholesome holiday special. No. People are just like, my hamster died. I can't really, I don't have time to talk about anything else. I'm so wrecked. I cry in the corner because of deer pickle. What? Ugh.

I just gave the hamster a name. I just threw out the voice of a hypothetical scenario. I gave the hamster a name, Deer Pickles. I'd say over 50% of the Chuckle Mail submissions are like, the day before Christmas, my grandma died. That's about half of them. It's just like, on Christmas, my family member died, and that's it. Let's hear some of them. I'm goosing for a laugh tonight. Yeah, let's hear some funny ones on this Christmas. This is from Megan in Pennsylvania.

When I was seven, I went on a trip with my family to get our Christmas tree. It was the usual trip, picking out the tree, cutting it down with a flimsy hacksaw, then putting it on top of the car. On the way home, we heard a slight bang from the top of the car, assuming it was a tree bouncing a bit due to the road being covered with shitty potholes. Turns out the tree had come loose and tumbled into the middle of the highway, and for the next 10 to 15 minutes, my dad had to struggle to find the right timing to go run into the highway and retrieve the rogue tree. Oh, no. Wow. Wow.

That's a story. I like it how they made a point of expressing their opinion on the quality of the potholes as if a pothole isn't inherently shitty. Like, those shitty potholes. Shitty Pennsylvania taxpayer potholes. Goddamn, I've been paying my taxes for years. That's how Connor found his cat, Will Neff. Ran out into the highway to rescue a little kitty. A Los Angeles highway, too, which is so...

So ridiculously dangerous. The people on those highways are insane. Yes. I know. They live in Los Angeles. There was one time that I was driving home with Shay and we were driving from Santa Monica down the highway. And we were getting off this exit and the traffic started to slow down. And I was like, what's going on here?

And I realized that it was only two cars specifically that were slowing down. And I was like, what the fuck is that? Until I saw that they were like arguing with each other in the middle of the highway. They stopped to start yelling at each other. And this dude, I see a dude, he pulls a stick out of the window and he starts waving it at the other car like he's trying to hit the other car. Oh, wow.

And then I'm like, what the fuck? I beep at them. And then they both start moving. But then one car is, like, swerving. Like, he's trying to, like, get into the other car's business. It was insane. It was like they were going... It was like a demolition derby in the middle of a Los Angeles highway. It was the strangest thing ever. Like, Shay was, like, getting upset. She was, like, reasonably upset. She was like, Ted, I don't want to be on this...

road anymore so we got off at the next exit it was the weirdest traffic thing I'd ever seen in my whole life scary man why would Vin Diesel do that Jesus I know Vin Diesel classic you'd think they'd film those on a set laughing

Yeah, it was like Fast and the Furious, except it was like a 2003 Toyota Corolla and like a massive Ford F-150 that was like raised. David versus Goliath. Yeah, seriously. And it seemed like the sedan was the aggressor in that situation too. It's insane, man. But sorry, Chuckler, that you...

Your dad had to run in traffic to get the Christmas tree. I'm glad you got the tree. I'm glad you got the tree back, though. Sorry that happened one time. I bet your dad looked really stupid and funny while he did it. More mail. Let's go. Xavier from Queensland, Australia.

I was around 10 at the time, so my memories are a bit fuzzy. My parents were hosting a large Christmas gathering with my extended family. It's summer during Christmas in Australia, so we were all getting ready to head into the pool. Everyone is either getting ready in the bathroom or a little slow down. Well, it's kind of long. Oh, OK. And this, you know, I'm getting through the background of the story. So everyone's getting changed in a bathroom or a locked bedroom. There are around 50 of us in the house, so we had to wait in line to get into our swimmers.

This dude is just bragging. He's just bragging. There's 50 people in the house right now. I go into the large dining area, the dining, the mess hall...

I came out of the locker room with my swimmers on. Here's an Imgur link to the schematics of our house and also the Zillow. It's been uploaded in 10,000p. I open one of the double doors to run inside. To my surprise, I see my grandpa completely butt naked and facing right towards me. Instead of getting changed in a bathroom and waiting in line, he decided to take the chance to scar a kid for life.

Okay. What did he do next? That's it. That's it. That's it. He saw Grandpa Dick.

Yep. I know, but it sounded like... The way that that was phrased, it sounded like Grandpa did something next. He did something. Like, he didn't... Like, he was like, instead of covering himself up after he saw me, he chose to scar a child for life. Maybe he can't say what happened next. He got on all fours. Like, I was, like, ready for something more. He did the zombie sound. He started going... Fucking activates like an enemy NPC. Yeah.

He looks at him and he yells out, Sam! How do you do that so well, man? That's so impressive. You know, I'm pretty good at them. Dude, I'm not going to lie. If you've spent some time in a locker room, you're going to see cock. And a lot of the time it's old men. And they just walk around, you know? Yeah.

They don't care, man. They do not care. When I was on swim team, I mean, we had to get changed in the locker room. We all pulled out the change under the towel. Yeah, you wrapped the towel around you. Mutual respect. Yeah. Like, there's... In all of...

In all of my experience doing swim team, it was never a cock out situation. No. It was always under the towel, very respectful. Sometimes there's a slip up, you look away. But old men are absolutely just going to be swinging around, yes. They've got a towel on. It's just the way of the world. But there's no, that towel serves virtually zero function. Ted, you don't understand.

They don't have a towel on. No, I'm thinking like, you know... I don't know how many public locker rooms you've been in, but they... Like the sauna old men, where it's like they've got the towel on, but then they spread their legs wide open and they're standing like this, where it's like they've just got the jewels hanging out. At least they're trying, because locker room old men are all you can do is hope for the right fold to obscure your vision. Yeah. There's...

They walk around the locker room like they own the place with no tell, just cocking balls out. They talk to each other too. That's like a whole community subsection. Yeah, there's nothing like saying I have a pension than walking around with your nuts out in the locker room. And they're always so big. I'm sorry, they're always so big. I can't stop looking at them sometimes. Excuse me? Yeah, man.

That was a pretty odd thing of you to say. Can we go to the next Chuckle Melt? Sure. This one is a positive one. It's simple and positive. This is Aiden from Massachusetts. Said once when I was nine at my grandma's house on Christmas, I got a huge Lego castle set. It's not that interesting, but it was very important to me.

Well, that's very sweet. That is really nice. I heard Grandma, and I started to get a little worried, but I'm glad to hear everyone was clothed happy, and I had a little Lego castle set I remember for most of my childhood, and it was this little

Maybe it was the same for this person. It's like this little plastic base. And then every time I got Legos from then on, I'd build it on that and it would just get bigger and bigger. Oh, it was like a running, a running build. Yeah. I had it on like one of those old, um, do you know those, those tables? Did you guys have these growing up with like the roads and the houses and it looked like a top down, like kind of cartoony map like that? Yeah. Classic. Yeah.

I had a rug. I had a rug like that. It wasn't, there wasn't a table though. Yeah. I had a table version of that. And so I had all my Legos and my little Thomas, the tank engines. I loved my little Thomas tank engines. They were those little rugs. They were legendary. It was like, Holy crap. I've got a whole, it was like virtual reality.

It was like, I've got a whole world here. And I can do whatever I want. It was reality. It was reality. No, it was like virtual reality. That's called an imagination. It was real to me. Yeah. Charlie, you guys. Sorry, go ahead. And I may have asked this question on the podcast before. And this is going to sound maybe insane if you don't fully understand the way that I'm saying this. But were you guys sports kids or were you imagination game kids?

I was absolutely an imagination game kid. And I was weaponized.

Oh? Because I was so good at making imagination games that I was employed by my teachers and, like, people above me to create imagination games where the people playing could, like, earn, you know, like, get something out of, like, doing chores or whatever.

So like I made a little imagination game. You've been deemed, you've been dungeon mastering since I know it's weird. I didn't even think about this until, until now, but like back in like, um, like, uh, uh, Boy Scouts, we had a little camp, uh,

And I made this little game and we were all running around with sticks. I think it was just LARPing before I knew that LARPing was a thing. So I thought I invented it, like kind of how kids work. Right. And, you know, so we were all running around hitting each other with sticks and getting our, you know, XP and trying to get a better stick and all that stuff. And, you know, like the Scoutmaster came up to me and he's like, what if like doing the dishes was like,

I don't know, like five XP. Do you think you could swing that for me? And like, um, I know, I know. So I was, I was weaponized and I was like, yeah. And I was so, I listen, I just want to say that I was steadfast in my values. And I was like, listen, this is not what the players want. All right. I've,

I've looked at the feedback. Okay, this is not the direction we want to take this. I appreciate it. I'll take it to the board. It's like you're the director, but then you've got the producers from the studio coming in and trying to... Yeah, the money guys. The money guys are always trying to fuck up the vision, man. That's exactly what it was. The fucking suits.

Some of the suits came in and tried to start pencil pushing on you. Try to turn my talent into dollar bills, man. That's really funny. You see it everywhere. Yeah, right? That's like wild. So you were a huge imagination. I was huge. It was just like more fun to me for some reason. Like even when it was like freeze tag or something, I always created a little narrative in my head that my friends were actually frozen in ice and had died. And I needed to get them back. Like, oh, it's great.

Yeah, same. I was very much so into the imagination games. I remember there being a thing because I had two other kids of the same age as me that lived on my street growing up. Pierce and Will, and they were more sports guys. They liked to more often do sports, but I was always the one trying to get into the imagination games, which they would do. But it was like I had to find a balance if I wanted to get what I needed. What were your imagination games?

What would you do? Honestly, it's kind of hard to remember. Like, a lot of it was like, I don't know, battles or something. Yeah, yeah. Or like pretending things existed. There was... What was nice about growing up in Massachusetts is that there was a lot of like temperate woods around in my town. And so there was a lot of... Like, you could just go and walk into the woods and like...

And there would be nothing in there. There'd be like a deer. And it felt like you were in the forest, but like you could be back in like 10 minutes and it would be fine. And there was also just like the pathways and stuff and like running down there and running around and all that. I enjoyed. Yeah. But now I'm old. Oh, to go back. Oh, to go back. Oh, to go back. To go back. Tucker, were you an imagination game kid or were you a sports? I definitely wasn't a sports kid. I was an imagination kid.

Yeah, that makes sense. He's going to throw a stink every time we make reference to Tucker.

You were, sorry, you were a sports kid? No. No, I was an imagination kid. I did a lot of, like, I don't know, pretend war games where you have, like, you found, like, a... Of course you fucking did. Of course you fucking did. Marine Tucker did a bunch of pretend war games. Yeah, like, we did, like, a lot of stuff with, like, you had a good stick that kind of looked like a musket, you know, and...

Oh, okay, that's fair. Yeah, and you'd have bases and pretend to act like you were getting in a firefight with the British or something. People always underestimate the impact of a really good stick, you know? That is a very, very astute point. Impacting...

physical mental at least in my in the way i grew up physical you ever been walking in the woods charlie and you just find a good stick yeah and it just makes your day you carry the fucking thing with you you act like you're fucking lewis and clark as you're hiking yeah you chop them up you play funny sticks with the locals

I'll be honest. I feel like whittling the concept of whittling like whittling wood would have had way more application in my life than it like when I was a kid like I remember we learn it's like trying to learn to whittle I was like I'm gonna make everything with this no trying to learn to wit someone taught you how to whittle I Mean yeah, you have to learn how to whittle otherwise you're gonna cut your hand open It's that you learn cut away from you like rather than cut towards Yeah, you got little lessons

I was in Cub Scouts for a bit. Oh, okay. Well, Cub Scouts, that makes sense. Did you get your little totem chip, Ted? Did you get your little totem chip? Well, they give you a piece of soap, and you'd have to practice on the soap. Oh, I do remember that. I do remember that. Yeah. Man. I was definitely a sports kid more than imagination games. I definitely had my Bionicles and all that, and I would do little mini battles and stuff. Play football with them.

Yeah, I mean, we would play wiffle ball a lot. We'd play tag. We'd run around a lot. And that was most of it. Yeah. What is, for your guys, before we move on to the next Chuckle Mail, I'm very curious, what did Christmas look like in your guys' childhood for you? How did that go? Huh.

And that's sort of a general question, but I'm thinking like in terms of like the Christmas Eve and like the and the Christmas Day, like what did that generally look like? What sort of like did your parents have like rules when you were allowed to come down in the morning or like what did the setup look like or whatnot? I don't know. It's a holiday episode and we all celebrate Christmas. So we don't say anything. I'll just keep getting more kind of exasperated.

I'll just keep explaining the dare in various ways. I just don't really get it. I could explain mine. When I was a kid, we were allowed to open up one present on Christmas Eve. That's fucked up. No.

Oh, no. Really? I got to do that, too. I got to do that, too. Why? Small, though. Small. It has to be a small one. Why would you do that? It can't be a significant one. Just a little. It's like a taste. What's the fucking point? What's the fucking point? A little taste? You can't wait? This is why you two are fucked up. Christmas Eve is special. You didn't learn anything about. It's special, man. That's just such a crash course in instant gratification. Not being able to delay the rewards for another fucking, what, 12 hours? Jesus, man. You get to think about what you want. You get to think.

You get to think about it. No, you don't. No, you don't. Because if you think about what you want and you pick the big one, you can shake it and feel the Lego inside. They're not going to let you have that. You can't pick the big one. You can't think about it until you get a crappy one. No. A lot of the times I would end up just getting the same type of gift because from the time I was born until I turned 21, my cousins would get me a Hess truck.

What is it? What? A Hess truck? So Hess is a brand. It's a gas station. And every year they release a toy truck. The Hess truck's back. The Hess truck. And they've been doing this since like 1940. That's right. You keep going. Keep going. Keep going. And my cousin Carl, he'd been getting them since he was a kid. And so my cousin started doing the same thing for me. So I have...

At my parents' house, I have 21 Hess trucks from every single year I was alive. That's awesome. That's such a cool little tradition, man. That was Linus Tech Tips' first video. Linus Tech Tips' first video was him reviewing a Hess truck. Really? Yeah, man. That's a little fun little piece of lore. Yeah, a little fun piece of lore. That's why I chuckled a little bit. That's why I let out a little chortle.

I've never gotten a Hess truck. And there haven't really been any recurring gifts that I've gotten, I don't think. But obviously every year I was big on the Bionicle and the Game Boy. And so I would always look out for new sets and new games. What did Christmas morning look like for you guys? I guess you're supposing the nostalgia. Oh my God. I have this thing with my family.

where uh one one side of my family uh with with my dad it is very gung-ho everyone fucking let's just get in there open up the presents all have a good time eat the gummy bears everyone gets a little gummy bear in their stocking get a little thing of haribo gummy bears my dad loves gummy bears but with my mom's side it is charlie you want to go get everyone a present

And then I go over to the tree and I get everyone a single present. And then someone opens theirs. We pick who to start with. Oh, let's do the youngest this year. And they open it up. They go, oh my gosh, this is so cool. Thank you. And they get up and they hug the person who gave it to them. Oh, that's one step too far. And then they walk back over and they sit back down. Okay. All right. Now it's your turn.

And Christmas, it's like, it could be upwards of like 10 people, man. And you go all the way around and it's, Mom, I'm hungry. We haven't eaten yet. We can eat and then let's FaceTime the other part of the family. Let's see how they're doing. And you call them, different time zone. Hey, it's like 4 p.m. here. We're still going through the gifts. You know, we're getting, I'm dead serious. This is real. Oh, fuck.

This is real, man. And God forbid my mom listens to this. I love you so much. But yeah, it's not for me, not for my side of the family. But I will say it is. You're old enough to get to be like, Mom, this was a little bit inefficient. I'm going back there. I'm going back there for Christmas.

I'm not old enough yet, all right? They're gonna take me out. - You have a house. You're a landowner. What are you talking about? - You host Christmas. Host Christmas however you want. - You could literally show up and be like, "Mom, we're doing it this way. Your way is insane." - Not yet. Not yet I can't. Not yet I can't, man. - You've got a Roth IRA. What is she gonna do, kick you out? - It's not right. It's not right yet. - She could disown you? - I will know when it's time to make a change.

All right. But for right now, right now, this is the tradition. This is the way it's always been done. I'm not trying to come in on Christmas Eve and cause an upset, man. All right. I'm not trying to dismantle the system this holiday season. Okay. I'm just saying the way it always works is we take turns with who goes and gets the boxes. It's usually in groups of one or three presents each. And then we all go around and we all open it. Even stocking stuffers, by the way.

One by one on the stockings? Oh, yeah. Wrap. Wrap and unwrap a stocking. It's like it is a strategic like, oh, I've got a big one coming up. I guess I'll do a stocking stuffer. And then you're like, oh, thank you so much. Who's this front? And you pick up the wrapping paper. I don't know. I feel like there's a happy medium between both extremes there. I don't think going gung ho and having everybody just...

just tearing through them constantly. I don't think that's the way. Because then you're done in five minutes. Yeah. And then it's not, I don't know, that kind of gets rid of some of the magic. I think the best... Go for it. What we usually do come Christmas is we'll all sit by the tree

And it's not like someone will generally be closest to the tree and they will be the gift hander-outer. Okay, so you also have one of those. Yeah, and you'll go around and you'll all do it individually, but I'm not getting up to fucking hug every single time or anything like that. And then you'll go around a couple times and then the stockings you go gung-ho on. Okay, so that's the healthy medium to you.

I feel like it is. I mean, that's just, that's all, that's what I know. That's what I know. So your life's perfect. Your life's perfect. Yeah. Well, I mean, it takes about, it takes about an hour and a half, two hours. I think that's a good time frame for the Christmas joy. Oh my God.

Charlie, this is so wild. We eat lunch. We take a lunch break, man. We take a lunch break. It's like you're going to a factory. It ends right in time for lunch. It's such a great... I'm setting an alarm on Christmas. We've got to be up. We've got to start on schedule. This is getting me excited to go home for Christmas. Me too, honestly. Same, same.

Oh, man. The way that Christmas would work when I was a kid at least. Yeah. This was a really interesting thing that I had never really heard of other people doing. That like at least when I was a kid, my mom would do something that her mom would do because, you know, my mom is – she has five other siblings. Yeah.

And so there were like, when she was growing up, her mom did not like to like wrap presents for six children. So what,

She would do and how it ended up being for me is like a lot of like the bigger presents or the big deal stuff There was two couches in our living room. And so there would be a couch For me and for my sister not saying that they would fill up the whole fucking couch but like when I would come downstairs on Christmas morning there'd be like some presents under the tree, but that was like she my mom was in dad were hiding like

like what the cool stuff was. So I'd walk downstairs on Christmas morning, and this is during a time when I was still believing in Santa and all that. I'd walk downstairs on Christmas morning, and then on my couch, there would be all of the stuff I got for Christmas, just visually there. So there was like this certain magic of walking down the stairs, and it's like the sun is just rising. And I turn, and I'm like, Santa came.

all over my presence. No, um, and I'm like, Oh, he came here. And then, you know, you got the fucking bite out of the cookie or whatever. But like, I don't know. I just thought that that was a really cool thing that really only came from my grandmother, uh,

not wanting to wrap presents for six kids but it created like a magic thing for my mom and then she kind of was like i'm gonna do this for because it's i don't know just the sensory overload of a kid on christmas morning walking downstairs and then seeing all of these items just all at once the rush of dopamine was unfathomable like it was it was like yeah i don't know with a wave damn

Yeah, no, it was cool. And then there'd be a couple other little presents that you'd do, but it was like... And now these days, it's like you wrap everything and then you open them in the morgue. But when I was a kid, up until I was maybe 10 or something like that, it was like you hit them with that big hit, and it was cool. So that's what I remember fondly. Get him disoriented. That's awesome, man. Is it a universal thing where Santa, you have to make sure he comes by...

Leaving... What? Oh, please.

Leaving little porno mags around. No, no. That's not... This is not... This is what my mom taught me when I was growing up. You had to leave, like, Playboy magazines around so Santa could come. No, listen. Santa would always... You'd always know Santa... You'd always know Santa... You'd always know when he'd come because there's cum. You always knew that Santa had cummed the night before because... Bite out of the cookie and cum. The plate... No, the plate... Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Okay, give him, let him say it. You always knew Santa had come when you'd come downstairs and the morning of Christmas, the plate of cookies you leave him had all of them but one gone and that last one had a bite out of it. Yeah. He ate all of them and he left one cookie with the bite mark on it.

Was it not good enough? I don't know. That's kind of always what I ended up thinking. It was more like he's an anime character and he's like, oh, had to run. Young runs. And he never drinks. Cookie in the mouth. He drinks most of the milk, but not all of it. There's still like a...

couple milliliters of milk left. That's how you know. Oh my god, holy shit. What do you... He probably... The 26th, the shits on that day for Santa are probably fucking brutal, dude. You think Santa's lactose intolerant? What an insane... What if he just doesn't have the strength to tell us? What are you kidding me?

He's like, really? He's like, I just gotta make him happy. He's like, I drink what's out. Like, I gotta show him that I tried. It's like coagulating around his mouth. He just like... He either has to be...

The whole cookies and milk thing has to be either an insane misunderstanding or Santa being such an eldritch beast that there's an expectation that he will be getting milk and cookies at every single delivery he does. That is insane. Does he hibernate? What does he need all that energy for? No wonder he's so fat.

Yeah, right? He's eating milk and cookies at every delivery. Maybe it's one of those things where, you know, you have the quarter with the little string in it. You put it in the vending machine. You pull it back out. Maybe he's got like a little fucking bag in his tummy right now. And he just pulls all of it out. You think Santa has an eating disorder?

Is that what you're saying? I was just saying maybe. A human could eat all that. I'm not saying eating disorder or anything like that. You're saying Santa has a parasite. It sounded really close to an eating disorder. No, no, no, no, no, no. You're saying there's a Christmas tapeworm? Thinking logically about how many cookies the man must ingest in one day. You're being a little bit awry right now. There's a candy cane tapeworm inside of him. Honestly, the tapeworm would probably be better. You think he gives himself a tapeworm before? I think he gives himself a tapeworm. Christmas tapeworm. Yeah.

One of the elves will craft one up for him. We'll make him a little tapeworm. It'll be like a drone, but it's a tapeworm. Yeah. Hey, did you guys ever do the SantaTracker.com thing? Of course. The Norris. Oh, I love that. I didn't know where he was. It was crazy when you saw him going to Iran. Yeah, right? I was like, why was that crazy? Very little Christianity going on there.

He doesn't have many stops then. Santa's... He's still hungry. Yeah, he blew through that area real quick. Doesn't stop the hunger. It was scary though when you check late at night and then he was real close and then you had to get rushed to bed so he'd show up.

Wait, so your parents used the Santa tracker as a measure of how early can you get to Santa? He wouldn't come if you were awake. I'm just saying, there was definitely some moments where I was like, it was getting late because we would have a nice... Santa never comes when you're awake. We would have a nice outing with the family on Christmas Eve and then we'd get home and it would be late. And we'd check it right before bed and there were definitely moments when Santa was close.

close like he was north on the edge yeah like on the edge and he was on the edge of your town edging all like throughout the town and and we had to go to bed quickly because he wouldn't show up otherwise because he was gonna come yeah yeah yeah yeah and he was gonna come down the chimney he was gonna come down the chimney yeah he's gonna come down the chimney

He's going to come down the chimney hard. Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, I guess this episode is kind of like a tribute to that. Yeah. A tribute to when he comes. And he comes. A tribute to Santa's coming. Yeah. Wow. What's the song? Santa's Coming in Town? Yes. Did you guys ever stay up or hide? Because I did. Oh, man.

No. Did you ever hide? I never... You never hid? No, I definitely never hid. It was a... I still believe that Santa, he knows...

when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake. And so that was like, it was similar to the fear. It was similar to the fear of God that I have and still have. So it was, yeah, it was one of those things where I wanted to go to bed so I could get the presence. Yeah.

This is a side note, but so much easier to make kids believe in Santa than God, I've found. Yeah, well, God doesn't give you presents, he sends flowers. I know. And I feel like it's also because Santa is like a goofy little character. I feel like I would have subscribed to a polytheistic religion way quicker than I was signing up for just something as clear-cut as Christianity because they have a bunch of characters. They got a whole roster. It's like Super Smash Bros.

That is an interesting way to put it. Yeah, like... Like Greek mythology? I would have signed up for that. Are you kidding me? A guy throwing lightning? Another dude's got fucking fast shoes? You think Hades converted some people?

Dude, I mean, I'd be pretty scared. I guess that whole portion where you gotta put coins over your eyes in order to... Or you'll be stuck in limbo forever is a bit terrifying. I guess if everyone was doing that, I'd probably do it too. Because, like, well, what if... You know, just in case. What if? What if you go to hell? I want that. Yeah, but sorry, Charlie. What was your... I was gonna say that if, like...

If on Christmas or on another day or whatever, there was an equivalent myth that God would come through your window and leave a Bible, right? Like, or something, you know, that he'd do something weird. And he's like, he's like, he's like a guy. Like, yeah. Like, if God was a mythos and, and, and like more concrete, like if God was like, yeah, God lives...

in the center of the earth. And he comes out every Christmas. And he comes out through volcanoes. Every nowadays, and he comes out through volcanoes, and he goes into your house, and he, like, leaves, like, he's, like, self-published, and he leaves the book he wrote. He's like, check this one out. Yeah, yeah. More people would...

More people, I feel like, would believe it. More kids definitely would. More kids. Yeah, I mean, I guess the counter argument is that parents wouldn't... They'd like... God wouldn't be real? I don't know. What do you mean? The parents would have to... Getting a little more elaborate. The parents would have to help that along, right? Yeah, well... Or are we talking about... Yeah, but they would know. Because if the myth was spread in that way, then the parents would have to be like, okay, we're going to pretend to be God. Yeah.

like that gets a little kind of muddier. But you could definitely convert a lot of kids that way, I feel like. I'm pretty sure that was one of his commandments of not creating false gods. Then what is Santa? Huh? What is Santa? Boosh. Drop the mic. Is that the sound he makes when he comes down the chimney? Boosh. I definitely had a thing in...

Christmas time, though, when on the morning of the day the big man came to town, came in the town, came all over the town. Yeah, he did. We would have a specific time that we could come downstairs, like, I don't know, 7 a.m. or something ridiculously early. And my sister and I would, like, sit at the top of the stairs, and we'd be, like, getting ready. And the suspense was insane. But Tucker...

Give us one final really, really good one. Really, really good Chuckle Mail. And Scott, play the Chuckle Mail music. Scott, play my music. That was pretty good. We have a final question. This is from Jay, who lives in Minneapolis.

And he says, hey guys, I've got a friend that still believes in Santa. Like the actual Santa Claus. How do I break the news to him? By the way, we're 20 years old. Don't. What do you mean? Don't break the news. Why are you acting like, uh... What news? Is Santa dead? Did something happen to him? Can we stop playing the fucking music, Scott? Jesus.

It just doesn't really feel like the time. It's been going on. We said to stop it a while ago. It just doesn't feel really super appropriate right now, Scott. No, it doesn't. To be playing that.

Dude, that guy's a fucking idiot, man. Santa's not real. Ted, Ted, what are you talking about? Santa is real, and he's looking at you right now. He's got a big hat on that says, He knows you're awake, man. He knows you're awake. He knows what you're thinking about right now, and oh my God, you're really thinking about that? Santa's really like, Tucker and I were talking about this. Santa really is big brother. He's a fucking...

he's a fucking scary man. He is literally the definition of the communist country of China spying on citizens and they have a social credit score. Did you guys ever get on the naughty list? Not in China. I mean, after I said that, I might be, no, I mean like in general, like one year guys, it was scary. It wasn't real, but I got my stocking and my parents filled it with like candy coal. So I thought like I had like,

Your parents actually gave you coal? Yeah, I got coal, but it was candy coal. Wait, you actually became naughty one year? My naughty heart. You got naughty with it? I got naughty with it. I don't know how old I was, but I remember because my stocking had candy coal in it.

I've definitely been close. I've definitely been close. But usually I pull through at the end because of, if nothing else, but sheer fear of not getting my presents. Because he does know. He does know. And my dad will always open his stocking to find a huge lump of coal that's been in the family for like 20 years. That's very funny. Every Christmas, we open the presents and he gets pissed because he knows there's nothing in the stocking.

Except a huge piece of coal. It's like actual coal? Yeah, he's always like, I wonder what the fucking stocking's gonna be this time. And he always just, it's one piece. Why do they do that to him? It's funny. I don't know. Do you get stuff in your stocking? I'll get candy usually, yeah. Maybe like an iTunes gift card.

Do you ever get like dumb shit like a sticky hand? I think gift cards have fallen off big time. They totally have. I have not gotten sticky hands. I haven't got... I don't usually get trinkets in the... It's usually food and... Yeah. Or one of these. Ready? We have a trinket heavy household. Yeah, those in specific. The Reese's Trees. Oh, yeah! Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Reese's Trees.

Don't say Reese's. Little golden chocolate coins sometimes. Little Reese's. Oh, the golden coins. You know what I'm talking about. Yep. I know what you're talking about. If you know, you know. If you know, you know. If you know, you know. I don't know if we have anything else. Did we ask for a chocolate? Did we already do that? I'm like confused. Yeah, we talked about. Yeah, it was a kid who was going to ruin his friend's life. Oh, yeah, yeah. So what did we say? Tell him. You think like the...

You'd think he'd be inundated with all this criticism already. You don't have to fucking tell him. Let him believe. It's a nice Christmastime fantasy. I wonder if there's disadvantages for someone to believe in Santa for real. Do you ever wonder that? I mean, I guess if your parents suddenly...

die, then you're kind of like... Yeah, that'll do it. You'd probably be in a rough spot. Can you imagine believing in... You're like 20-something, you believe in Santa, parents pass away, you're like, God,

At least I got Christmas to watch. At least I still got... At least Christmas is still coming this year. And I've been really good. At least I've been good, you know, getting the affairs in order and everything. Empty house, cookies untouched. Jesus Christ. Covered in flies. Fuck. Oh, shit. Tears in eyes. I guess that... I guess... Wow. Terrible way to end the podcast, actually. Terrible. Yeah, I'm sorry, guys. Well, thanks so much to listen in to this holiday episode.

of the chuckle sandwich podcast audio listeners and um charlie i think it's time for you to go back to where you we found you i think it is thank you guys so much for having me i will see you all next year going to my big stasis shipping off back to the northwest

Merry Christmas, man. Christmas miracle. Look at that Christmas miracle. Goodbye. Audio listeners love you to death. He's climbing back in the box. Yes. Oh, whoa. Hey, hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa. He busted it up.

Hold on. Before he puts the headphones back on, I put sarin gas into his HVAC system. Sarin gas in his HVAC. Hey, Charlie. Hey, what's going on, guys? What's up? 2023. Chuckle Sample Christmas Special. What did I miss? Is that just like a hyperbolic time chamber?