The Chuckle Dungeon (D&D Special)
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Welcome guffars and chortlers to a very very different episode of Chuckle Sandwich. Today I'm your host and dungeon master, sandwich maker, Charlie Slimesicle here today with my players. Hi, I'm Ted Nivison. Who are you? Who are you? I'm Shlet. What do you like? Uh, blended vanilla. He's got his frappe.

That he's drinking? Yeah. Yeah, he does. So I got these- Good lungs. Good lungs. I appreciate good lungs as well. Well, we're not going to have these since we have the smoke machine rolling in the studio. So we're going to be all gas now inside. But I actually got these guys to agree to a special and different Dungeons and Dragons episode of Chuckle Sandwich. Indeed. So we're doing a little bit of a chuckle dungeon here today. Audio listeners-

Love you to death. I'm fully in a robe. I am but a mouth draped in black. Ted here is dressed up as a full chef. He's got the Eddie Burback mustache as well. Hi, Eddie. We have to have him on at this point. It's just like an obligation. Indeed. And Schlatt is wearing what he usually does, the full trench coat. Yeah. It's nice that you have something under it. I just showed up. It's nice that you have something under it today. Usually, I don't. Usually, you see me in full display.

You see all of me. Of his collection of watches that he tries to sell. My collection of watches. His quote-unquote wares. So before we get started here, guys... Sometimes I open my trench coat and say, hey, you want to see something funny? Is it? Do they laugh? No, they're all children. Oh, okay.

That's terrifying. On that note, I actually got you guys. It's just like forks and knives, though. Stop talking about it. You expose yourself in a trench coat. I don't care about the fucking trench coat. I'm wearing a Naruto Uzumaki shirt below myself. Shut the fuck up. I don't expose myself to children, guys. This isn't even your character. This is incriminating right now. What? Shut the fuck up.

You look so dumb. Guys, you and we all look fucking stupid, okay? I got you guys these. I got you guys these. For you, I got you some ketchup and mustard dice. And for you, I got you some meat dice right there. I got meat dice. Not just that.

Here are your character sheets for this. Oh my god, you've got these printed out and everything? Oh yeah, I got the whole thing. Here you go. Character sheets. Here's some pencils. So for those of you listening that may be unfamiliar with what Dungeons & Dragons is, it's a tabletop role-playing game. Uh,

Where you it's a lot of me a person in a test you were? And we'll see if schlatt passes right now. I don't even have any room to write anything Why I even have this put it this is my spit put your thing up there Thank you there. Do you want something to write on you can take here? Oh? Yeah, give me that I don't know I don't need those all the books Jesus Christ what a mess you giving me a book you

You got a book. Dungeon Master's Guide? Open book. Open book test. Open book? Number 5B. What's the answer? What's the answer? What's the answer? Tell me now. When a sensei disappears mysteriously, her young students must take her place. You're going to disappear mysteriously if you don't lock it in right now. If you don't lock it in. Elemental planes, material planes, fire, cinder, wastes.

Fountains of creation? How many of these places have you exposed yourself at? Into the plane of fire? He opens up his trench coat and shows you the fountain of creation in there. Jesus Christ. Alright. Are you guys ready? As ready as I fucking will be. Charlie, he didn't let us see the studio for like the last...

An hour and a half. So Schlatt and I were just standing outside. I'm in fucking mustache and chef hat. And Schlatt's just walking around drinking his frappe and just being a general fucking nuisance. So, I mean, we're glad to be in here. There's smoke everywhere. I'm so glad you guys let me do this. A surprising amount of candles. I mean, I don't even know where you got these from, but I mean, everything's happened under our noses.

And we're, you know, we're just here. Yeah, literally. We're ready. It is accumulating under a- There he goes. There he goes. Where did that even come from? Oh my god. Why is there more smoke coming out? What? Who's saying that? Where are you? Who's saying that? What? Hello? The smoke is increasing. I feel like I'm in Ted's apartment.

I don't even know what that means. Stop, Ted. Can you stop vaping? Jesus, man. What is this? Hey, man. Come on. I think I make out a boat here. All right, guys. Are you ready? Yes. Okay. You're addicted to nicotine. Here we go. Hey, hey, hey. Bring it down. Bring it down. All right? Bring down your addictions. Close the trench coat, man. Close the fucking trench coat. We cannot have that on camera. Blur that, please. It's going to be a big black box below your face. Here we go, boys. All right. Are you ready? Yeah. Okay.

Are you playing music? In the land of Zandral, legend speaks of a sandwich so delicious that it has toppled empires and given rise to new kings. The sandwich appears throughout history in the hands and eventually mouths of various figures of note, but the details are always the same.

Every 100 years in a new location, a gateway manifests. Those brave and strong enough to face the brutal challenges within can walk away with the power of the sandwich and their lives.

After receiving mysterious letters detailing the new location of this dungeon, you both have traveled far to reach its entrance. It is up to both of you how or if you know each other, but you both have received this note, and

And it's clear neither of you will be able to tackle this challenge alone. We got a note? That brings us to now. You got a note telling you the new location of where this sandwich dungeon is. Oh.

Yes, and we've gone there. Under, you're there right now. I'm there right now. Under the gleam of the moon and the yellow gaslight, flickering street lamps, two adventurers step out of the shadows of a nearby alleyway and towards a strange illuminated archway tucked between two deli shops. Ted, Schlatt, as you step out into the light, go ahead and introduce your characters. Hey, everybody. Hey.

Why are you laughing at me already? No, this is fucking awesome. Go ahead. Hey, everybody. My name... Well, let me save that fact. I'm a war machine. I was a ro- I'm a robot. Uh-huh. What do you- what do you look like? What do people see? You can do whatever you choose to look like. I got a trench coat on, and it's covering something. It's covering- I'll tell you what it's covering. It's covering my dark past. I was...

A robot. I'm still a robot. I'm a robot, and I'm still a robot. Yeah. And I've got, there's all condiments. Okay. Condiments is all I know now.

Because I used to be a soldier. I used to be a killing war machine like the Terminator, T-100. Does he leave behind a trail of blood or a trail of ketchup? No one knows. No one knows. They mix together in the alleys. Living flesh over metal endoskeleton. Biocock. Biocock. Big. 3,000. What does your face look like and what do you do as you step out of this alley? I don't remember what my face looks like. All I remember is that when I opened my trench coat. Never looked in the mirror. When I opened my trench coat.

You see what I have become. You see that I was once this terrible machine who incited hatred and chaos and death, but now I've been repurposed into something new and brought into the local Arby's to dispense condiments. No longer a boss. No. Now he's just Sauce. Yeah. We see this figure in a beige coat step out into the alleyway. Sauce's condiments oozing out from under him. No, no, no.

They suck back in. I'm insecure about my sauces. Okay. I keep my trench coat closed. You see but a trickle fall down. But a trickle. But a trickle. And what is your character? What's your expression? How do you feel? Soggy. We see a soggy man step out, and behind him, another. Wait. My name? May-o. Mayo. Mayo. Mayo. Mayo. I'm a...

Terminator that has been repurposed to serve condiments. I fucking love this character so much. In an Arby's. It's so cool. In an Arby's. And now I'm here to find the ultimate sandwich. Behind the mayo man, as he walks forward, ashamed of his dark past covering himself. We see another step forward. Ted, go ahead and introduce your character. Hello! My name is Butch Wagyu. I am a, uh...

My race is a, I'm a tiefling. So I'm a devil boy. I'm a devil guy. Devilish man. Devilish man. And, you know, back a long time ago, I entered into culinary school with the dreams of being able to achieve the highest level of steak making. I'm really into meat. And I wanted to make the most beautiful steak.

Beautiful, supple, delectable, juicy, melt-in-your-mouth steak. Juicy. And the most valuable steak of all was the legendary tundra beef.

where the cows are raised in not just the snow in the tundra and the coldest of coldest of holes they develop some serious marbleization in the in the in the meat right in between the muscles it just melts your mouth oh it's so good but it's rare and it's hard to find so i entered culinary school trying to do it um and uh while you know while in culinary school

My dreams were stopped short. I had a friend that I went into culinary school and his name was fucking Keith. Keith. His name was fucking Keith. Oh, Jesus. And, you know, I mean, long story short, I mean, Keith told me that he found some tundra beef and I cooked it up. And then right after he, you know, I mean, turns out it was my mom.

"Oooh, Keith, Keith made me cook and eat my own mom." "And then he framed me for it." "And then he framed me for it." "And then my dad-" "And then my dad disowned me and he said, 'You'll never make a tundra beef real.'" "Now you've eaten your fucking mom and you wanted to do it." "And I said, 'No, it was fucking Keith.' "He's a bastard." She said, "No, Keith's such a nice boy." "He would never do that." "Unlike you." "Have you seen that guy? He's got fucking-"

His eyes are fucking bloodshot red all the time. Mine are about to be. Because he's fucking feeding people. Ready to get in character. Oh, God. But, um... And, you know, there was a little bit of demon racism going on there because you claimed, oh, man... Oh, so Keith's a racist as well. He's a bit of a racist. Okay. Yeah, he said only a dirty demon like me could...

eat my own mom wow that's messed up man yeah good thing keith's not here you are it was pretty um so basically i spy i spiraled into a life of me crime i don't have the support of my parents anymore and i'm just running through the streets trying to essentially i mean this this this gold this glorious sandwich sort of presents a moment of hope for me maybe it's got some wagyu on it

I'm hoping to find the waggle of my name. I like to think that you're telling this all to Mayo as well as you're walking here, just your entire tragic backstory. Yeah, I know. And, you know, I'm cooking it. I'm going to be cooking it. Oh, you're going to cook it? I'm going to cook that tundra beef, and I'm hoping to add that and make it part of the sandwich of glory. Yeah, it's going to be the best steak yet. That isn't your mom.

That isn't my mom. I specifically don't want, and listen. And I'm sorry for the burn. And I'm very haunted by this. It wasn't as bad as the one on your mother when she was a steak. I'm very haunted by this experience. And, you know, a terrible guilt consumes me for eating my own mom, and I hope that I can find redemption through my actions. And what do you look like again? I got red skin because I'm a demon, and I got a...

Sexy tail. Oh, shit. Okay. I got a sexy tail. Well, here's something to know about me. I must know every sauce combination. Really? You guys are listing fun facts about your character. So your character, okay, red skin. He looks like a demon. Yeah. What is he wearing? He's wearing a hat.

That's a chef hat. I got my gloves here. These are my meat working gloves. Because you never know when you're going to need to work with some meat. You might have to. Various types. There's an implication there. And

What else? Fuck, I mean, I- What are you carrying with you? What do you have? Well- You have a couple things, if I remember. I got a couple things. I mean, I got- Wait, what do I have? What do you have? What do you- Hold on, give me a second. Well, just check your pockets. I'm- I'm- Just check your pockets, butch. I'm checking my pockets right now. What's a lint, meat, ground beef? Ground beef's coming out? I'm checking my pockets right now. Are beefs coming out of your pockets when you check? So I got myself a, uh, a big meat hook. A meat hook? I got a meat hook. You know when they-

The fuck is wrong with you? I got a meat hook for grabbing meat, but it's on the end of a chain, so I could swing that thing around. I like that. And then I also got two cleavers, butcher cleavers. That's like the, you described to me, like the Japanese steak knives, right, that they do the stuff with? Oh, yeah. That's awesome. So, yeah, as you step out as well, do you two know each other? How long have you traveled together? Oh, I mean, we've been, you know, we...

We both missed the bus. So you had to walk together? Yeah, so we had to walk together. So you're pretty tight at this point. We missed the bus to the sandwich dungeon. Yeah, the bus that was... We call it a bus, but it was really a horse-drawn bus. Because there's no... Are there buses? It looks like a bus and it's drawn by horses. Yeah. So it is simultaneously both. It's the MTA bus.

Yeah. It's a horse-drawn bus. Andrew Cuomo. Andrew bus. Duke Andrew Cuomo and... The third. And Bill the... Yeah, and everybody knows... Andrew Cuomo cannon? What the hell are you doing right now? What's going on? What the hell are you doing? And everybody knows what the MTA stands for. I mean, it's... Andrew Cuomo walks by you two on the street. The Maricopa County train...

ass ass what the god damn hell kind of world building is happening okay all this other shit uh you guys step off the alley you missed the fucking bus you finally made it finally made it to the sandwich dungeon two delis right next to it uh

We're just in New York City. No, we're not. We're just in New York City. It is a city. It is a city. Two delis. We took the MTA bus here. Andrew Cuomo. I mean, a person from another world might- It is a medieval New York City. There's death and pestilence everywhere. We're in New York City. Yeah, you see a three-foot rat run by you. It scurries over your foot. In another dimension, we might call it New York City, but here we call it- U-

Y-A-M. Yankee. Yankee. New Yankees. Stadium. Stadium. New Yankee Stadium. Which is important because no one else calls it that. And as you approach as well. That's what we learned after we missed the bus. We're like, oh, we got to think of a new fun nickname for this city of which we don't even know the name of. You would know, by the way, that the name of this city is Sigil City is the city you're in. Oh, Sigil City. Sigil City. Is that in the...

No, no, don't worry. Just let it happen. As you approach this archway as well, you missed the bus. You notice that when you step out, the archway is starting to flicker. You see that it's starting to fade a little. Uh-oh. I see, hey, that archway, fuck. That archway, it's starting to flicker, mayo. I can't tell if it's my eyes or if it's actually flickering. I feel as though I'm losing vision.

As you say that, yeah, your eyes are flickering at the same time, and so is the archway. So his eyes, you see his eyes flickering. You also see the archway flickering. Mayo, you're real flesh over a metal endoskeleton. It's causing your eyes to blink. What's going on? Certain defects, you know. It's something I carry from the war.

Uh, Mayo, go ahead and roll me one of those d20s you've got there. Go ahead and make a perception check. What the hell is a perception check? So, if you pick out the one with 20 sides, right here, this die, Mayo, if you roll it, this is gonna be the first roll of the episode. Okay. First roll! You're gonna roll it and then add your perception skill. Oh, okay, I have negative one perception. And would you roll? You have negative one perception? And I'm gonna roll?

A 12. Okay, an 11. That's gonna do it. Uh, that is enough to tell as your eyes are flickering this archway is. You get a brief glimpse. Uh, you can tell that in a while, uh, or maybe in a couple seconds even, this gateway may not be here. What? Really? What does that mean? Uh, it means that maybe it would be best to- to hustle. Okay, uh, we gotta roll. So I'm pretty strong. Okay.

Can I pick up mayo and then run real fast? Because I think I got something going on here. Go ahead and make an athletics check. I'm heavy machinery, Butch. Yeah, let me check my athletics. Butch, go ahead and roll me a D20. Add your athletics. You think you can handle all of me and my sauces? Where do I see my athletics? I'm under full capacity right now. I got full sauce capacity. My eyes hurt.

Okay, yeah, the DC for this is gonna be a little harder because he's at full sauce capacity. I'm at full sauce capacity. Got a lot of sauces. Where's the athletic? Oh, I got plus six athletic. Nice! Alright, roll this bad boy, add six. Okay. This one right there. This one? Okay, here I go. Rolling. Let's see what you get. That wasn't a good roll.

No, what was it? What was it? It was 8. It was 8. 8 plus 6, uh, what does that put you? 14? 14 is gonna be okay. It's a little bit of a struggle because he's at full sauce capacity. Full sauce. He actually squeezes out some of your sauces. I drip? You drip. I drip a little bit? You squeeze him as you haul him back in, like you put your hands...

Sort of in a Nelson below his arms. Drag him into the archway. You manage to just get in, but you leave behind this juicy trail of mayo and mustard and ketchup all behind you. That was a weird roll, too, because I went and landed it. It didn't move at all. Yeah, just a drop more. And as you enter the archway, there's a flash of light.

Why did we want to go into this archway? This is the location of the sandwich. Oh, really? Uh-huh. You don't want sandwich? Okay. You don't want sandwich? Yes, I want it. Because I want it. I want the steak. I want the sandwich real bad. I want to get some Wagyu in there, as my name implies. Well, I got bad news. There's no meat. But as you step into the archway, you feel your foot impact something soft. Something soft.

Doughy. I'm having an allergic reaction to the smoke. Do you wanna- do you wanna turn down the smoke a little? My eyes are also- My eyes are burning. Holy shit. But I will continue, 'cause I'm the sauce boss. You are the sauce boss. And they don't call me that for nothing. I can't believe you're having an allergic reaction to the smoke. That is absurd. As you step into this archway, you touch down on something doughy, and you see as white flakes are falling from above.

White flakes. And as they fall and collect on you, you notice this is not snow. It's garlic powder. It's actually flour. It's flour. You gotta let him tell you what it is. He's running the story. And as you look around as well, you see these soft sort of rolling doughy hills coated ever so slightly by this white substance. It's very stuffy in here. The hills and the ground all seem to be bubbling and shifting. There's

There's not a sky. It's just all this sort of beige bubbling dough. It's almost like you're inside like a pocket of a loaf about to be cooked. What the hell is going on in here? The only thing you see in front of you is at about 100 feet in front of you, there is a wall, again, of this substance. There is a doorway 100 feet up. Uh-huh. And that's what you can tell.

What do you do? Hey, Robo Boy, you want to see if we can see anything more? I sure would like to see. Use your robot eyes to kind of fucking look around. I flip open my magnifying scope that I used to kill children back in the day. Oh, my fucking shit. And I look. Okay, go ahead. I look down it. Roll me another perception check.

Tell me what it is. I'll give you- Ten. Ten, minus one, nine. Tell you what, I'll give you advantage on this as well, 'cause you're using the scope. So you get to roll it one more time, take the higher one. That's a fucking one. So we're not gonna take that, we're taking the nine? Ah! It's all cracked and glassy and foggy. Uh, yeah, when you look through it, you see a bubble of dough that looks like a child. And it pops. It looked like a child? Just for a split second, you could've sworn it looked like a child.

Hey, hey Mayo, come down. Oh! What the fuck? Apart from that, all there is, again, 100 feet in front of you, 100 feet up, just that doorway, in the side of the wall. Okay. What do you do? Hey Butch, why don't you walk over there? Alright, um...

That's a really good question. Can I investigate over there? Yeah. Do you want to approach the doorway? I would like to. It's 100 feet in the air, isn't it? Yes, but it's also... It's on a wall. You walk up to the base of the wall if you want to investigate it. Alright. Okay. You walk up to the base of the wall and you don't even have to roll an investigation check. You immediately see something. You see at the base of the wall

There is a white sort of thick dough. It's different. And you see his two little bubbles pop up. It's the Michelin Man. And a little mouth. Hey, guys. What the fuck? Jesus Christ. What's going on, guys?

It's the Pillsbury Doughboy. It's the Pillsbury Doughboy. Is that you? Why do you think I'm the Pillsbury? Is that good to be the Pillsbury Doughboy? I mean, it's... He's a character in popular culture. Somewhat neutral, I guess, if you were the Pillsbury Doughboy. As you say popular culture, you see as it rises a little bit, and as you say neutral, it just falls back down. It goes, oh, it's neutral.

You're popular man. Everybody loves you. You're including me. Do you love me? I love you. Oh, yeah Hey Mayo, I think if we say nice things to this guy, I'm rising you see as he says that he said wait expand wait Wait, hey Mayo come over here. Yeah me and Mayo have a sidebar. Yeah, I think if we just this fucking dude up We can ride him to that

Doorways. Oh, you're so good about myself. So we just gotta hype him up. Oh, so I finally have a real friend.

So we just say nice things to him, and we get on top of his little doe head, and then we start hyping him up, and then he keeps rising like Pinocchio. I'm gonna burst! Little white lion. Here I go! Wait, he's bursting? He's not bursting. He's not. He's just really excited. You can tell now he's above your heads at this point. He's bubbled up to that point where maybe you could climb up on him, but he's chilling there right now. You gotta take him down a peg. So...

Take him down a pegboard. Whoa, guys, so good to finally see someone that really appreciates me. Shut up! Oh, man! All the way back, the ground kind of dips in a little. He's just all the way under there. Can I ask you a question, little dough thing? Yeah, I don't have one. What's your name? I don't have one. Can I name you Pillsbury Doughboy? Oh, what a... That's a really great name. Go ahead and roll me a persuasion check.

Which one's that? D20 again, add your persuasion. 2 plus 2 is 4.

That's not good. That's not- Like the croissant guy? Oh man! You're sinking even more, Ted. Oh jeez, look what you've done! Okay. I step on his head. Oh, he starts crying big glass. You step on his head. I step on his head. You leave a big fucking footprint on his face. Okay, how about this? How about this? I don't know pain, but if I did it would hurt! How about this? Can we call you our good little buddy?

You're gonna be my good boy. You're gonna be a good boy? Are you still stepping on him while you're saying this? I'm on top of him. I don't know how I feel about this! Wait, I'm on top of him. Yeah, okay. I'm standing on him. Okay, hey. I'm your good boy? Hey, little good boy. Listen, where we're from, stand- and I stand on top of him too. Yeah. Where we're from, standing on people means a great big deal of friendship. Whoa, can I stand on you?

Um, only after we sing our very good song for you. Woah, sing the song! You see he starts to bubble up again, he's like rising a little. Okay, shl- This is gonna be so good. Okay. You ready? Yeah. Oh man. It's gonna be a rap. Okay, can you beatbox for me? I can't wait to conceptualize music. Okay.

Yo, little good boy, we love you so much. You're so cool. You got all the good stuff. You are really, really, really nice to us. We think you're kind. We think we trust you to help us rise into the air you are.

"Cool little guy, you've got the great thing and everything." "You're so really cool." "He's on a roll!" "Good boy!" "Don't joke!" "We love you, aww." "Okay, that's good." And as you do all that shit, he manages to rise all the way up, bubbles up, and leaves you guys right-- you got about five feet until the door, but you could climb up into it.

Alright, can Mayo and you want to jump and get into the climb up? Can we do that? So here's what I do. I activate the afterburner. The jet afterburner that's on my back. Okay, what ability is that?

I- this is just a part of me, I don't know what I'm doing with this, it's just- I just had one. Yeah. Okay, I'll- you can jump. I'll jump. Okay, you jump up, uh, yeah, you see a little- *boop* little flicker of flame underneath his trench coat as he jumps up, grabs on, hoists himself through the doorway, and *whoosh* there's a flash of light and he's gone. Alright. I climb up, but before entering through, I turn around and I turn to say to Dobo, "Hey, Doboy!" Yeah?

That was all a fucking lie we hate you asshole! What? What? Hey, hey go fuck yourself! I was gonna ask you to give me a B! See ya later bitch! Oh, I'm just a sad, shallow, dull starter. See ya later motherfucker! Don't trust people in dough world asshole! See ya bitch! He just sinks down into the ground, gets really, really small, and he says, "Did you really mean it?" Nah, just kidding man, I love you. And I go through the door. "Oh, okay, too late now though!" And he disappears. Damn.

and dies forever. Oh, wow. Found it, dude. Our first kill. As you warp out of this place, you find yourself somewhere else entirely. Hey, what up, Chucklers? It's ad time. We are proudly sponsored today by our friends at Manscaped.

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And this place, Butch, Butch, Butch, you like this place. You like this place because as you look around, everything is

Oh. Oh.

But as you look forward, you see something else. Another door at the far end of the room, but between you and that door, a wide, gaping, meaty ravine, hundreds of feet long. What do you do? You've got about 30 feet in front of you before the edge of the ravine, definitely too wide to jump over. Okay. I have to look at what I can do here. What can I do here? Look at this beautiful cavern of meat. I do one thing to start. Yes.

May I roll a perception to see if there is any steak, beef? Yes. Around. Roll a perception check. Go ahead. Fucking seven. Seven? Okay. I can't do anything this game. A seven? You turn around and try and examine the wall you just came through for beef?

And Mayo, as he does this, you see something coming out of the ravine. Oh my god. You see a little hand. You gotta be careful, Ted. Squelch. Squelch onto the top of the meaty ravine and another. There's someone in that ravine. Ah!

And you are just looking at this other wall for meat. Turn around! You almost found it. Turn around! And Mayow, out of the media bits, hoists itself a little meatball. It's meatball! With arms and legs, he thrusts himself up and screams, "I'M ALIVE!" Jesus Christ! I've done it! I'm alive! *gasp*

Light! It's light! I can see! And as he looks, he looks to you, he runs up to you. He says, "I made it! My whole family died, but I'm here! It's me, Marvin the Magic Meatball! What's your name?" He looks at you, he's like three inches tall, just this little fucking meatball. You at this point hear him absolutely. 100%. I hear meat. It's all meat, but I'm Marvin!

I hope you're having a Marvin-less day! Hey Marvin!

What's up? You're a meatball. I know, and I have been for a full day, which is longer than any other meatball before me! I watched all my family die on the way up, but I made it! Wahoo! What's your plan, Marvin? What's going on? I don't know. I don't know. I wish to engage in the joys and vices of life. Maybe I'll even cross the meaty abyss. Okay.

You ever heard of gambling? Well no, that sounds delightful! What kind of meat is that? Oh, it's no meat. But you can win meat. You can win lots of meat. Lots of meat. Gambling? Marvin, would you like to gamble with us? Yeah, I got quite the gamble right here! And you see he points over behind him to the ravine and you see two signs.

One says high stakes. One says low stakes. S-T-E-A-K-S.

You see the high stakes is a bridge of stakes with these sort of tenderloin, like pork, like sausage sort of railing. It's a very, very, it looks rough, but it goes across the ravine now that you're looking. And in the middle as well, there's this sort of meat stalagmite coming out with like what looks like a little meaty treasure chest on it. The low stakes thing points down into the ravine.

You see in the side of the cliff, there's a way over. Why would we go in the meaty ravine? Why wouldn't we? It's easy to go in the meaty ravine. It's very, very dangerous. Why would we do that? Show them, boys! And you hear a couple more voices from down below in the ravine. Okay! And you see like a geyser of hot oil spurred out of the ravine as well. Right under where the bridge is, just sizzling some of the meat.

Maybe we go to the high stakes. I can't wait to kill! Maybe we do the high stakes option, even though that could very well be oodles worse. Be much worse. Death is just another adventure! See, Marvin is a meatball.

He is. And it's been a long time since I've had some meat. Can I take out one of my cleavers? Okay. And slice Marvin in half. Why would you do that to him? Because I don't know, he showed us the way and now I want to kill him. What's your name? And as you come down, go ahead and roll the hit.

Oh, you've won! A natural one? That's one plus four. That is not going to do it. That is actually a critical fail, so what is going to happen on that? Fuck. Yeah, you're going to miss him. Do you attack with your meat hook or your cleaver? My cleaver. Your cleaver? Yeah, you stick the cleaver in the ground. Marvin just jumps on it. He says, okay, let's go. Thanks for the ride. He's just on your cleaver now.

Like pointing ahead like George Washington on a boat. Are you trying to kill this guy, Butch? No, I was. Are you trying to kill this guy, Butch? No, of course not. Of course not. I wasn't trying to. I can get the job done. I mean, I wasn't trying to kill him, but I mean. I can get the job done if you want. Well, listen, listen. I've got this retrofitted blaster plasma rifle. Whoa. 40 watt range. I don't see anything like that. What are you saying? Well, I mean, it squirts ketchup now.

K- What's ketchup? Oh, I can show you, Marvin. What do you do? I will let you- You won't have to roll for this. You can just squirt ketchup on him. You have condiments all over you. Are you trying to hurt him? I'm supercharging this shot. Oh, so you're- Are you trying to attack him, then? Okay. Okay. Go ahead and roll to hit. Go ahead and roll to hit. I'm trying to finish what you started, butch.

Just so happy to have a firebolt. Go ahead and add your attack. What are you using to attack right now? I would assume the firebolt, maybe? I have a firebolt? You have a firebolt, but it is flavored as... Plus six. A 16? A 16 is going to hit the fucking meatball. It has an AC of 10. Go ahead and roll damage on that firebolt.

So I roll a 10 now? No, so what does it say for the firebolt damage? 1d10 fire. So a d10 looks like this. Go ahead and roll one of these and tell me what you get. And that's how much fire damage you're going to do to Marvin the Magic Meatball. Big damage. 8. 8. Okay.

That's pretty good. You watch as Marvin the Magic Meatball is struck with this ketchup and it carves a hole directly through him, killing him instantly on impact. And his lifeless corpse drops to the ground in front of you. Okay. And the heat from the blow? It cooks him from the inside. Okay. So now can I prepare him with my survival?

Go ahead and roll me a survival check to prepare for it. That's a six. Fucking hell. You burn him. You burn him. I just cooked him! So an eight? Eight. That's not good, man. Damn. Yeah, you try to cook up Marvin. You just end up with sort of a pile of blackened meat. I killed him for no reason. Yeah, and Mayo, you see as he's doing this as well, you see...

Meaty hands come on. Oh, another one. Oh shit. Hey everyone, it's me, Martin, the magic meatball. What's every- We found it. We did it. We did it. Oh!

Hey, you listen to me, Martin, you shithead. Okay. If you don't want to end up like that- Oh, fuck! Why do I sound like Rick from Rick and Morty? You know that show, Martin? Oh, fuck! Okay, so- No! You don't want to end up like him. No, it's Rick and Morty. Hey, check this out. What? Alright, I take out my- With a meatball and I have a high enough IQ. I take out my meat hook, my meat hook swinging thing. No! Can I aim it at Martin? No! And hook him on there? Please! Yeah, go ahead. Okay. Roll a hit with that.

Okay, come on please. Come on, I just wanna hit something. 18! Yeah, um, okay. Do you want to kill him or leave him alive? Okay, so he's hooked here and I'm swinging him. Kill him. Kill him. Can Schlatt like add something to Marvin? Go ahead and roll damage for your meat hook. Oh, is this the diamond one? What does it say for 1d what? For the meat hook? Uh, 1d8 plus 4 bludgeoning. Okay, so go ahead and roll this thing. Add 4. 4, so 8.

Okay, uh, ordinarily this would kill him, but I will say in this case since you were trying to grab him with it Yeah, you have him impaled by the meat hook, he's screaming, crashing around, flying around your head. Now, can- Now, Mayo, do you have anything that could maybe turn Martin into a fucking bomb of some sort?

I could maybe squirt him with some of my special recipe sauce. How does that sound? So as he's swinging, I want Mayo to shoot some bomb shots.

Maybe magic-y stuff that'll turn him into- I've been watching Hot Ones recently. I got the bomb. Okay, yeah, how do you kill Martin the Magic Meatball? Well, I'm gonna try to make him a bomb. Like, he'll explode on impact somewhere. Yeah, what are you throwing it at? I'm just- he's already statistically dead. So you can kill him however you want. I'm trying to throw him into the ravine and have it explode within the ravine. So do you, like, you turn him into a bomb?

Can you turn into a bomb for me? Would you do that for me, Mayo? I don't know if I can. Well, I don't want any of these fucking assholes coming out of the ravine anymore, and I think you would agree. That's true. That's true. Yeah, Mayo, you squirt some of your special sauces on there. They coat him. He screams as each one impacts, as if they're burning his flesh. You hurl him off the hook into the ravine, and you actually hear a couple voices harmonize. Whoa, what's that?

And they all die simultaneously you hear like just like a squelch and then Simultaneously like more sort of something like meatballs were maybe falling off a cliff that were climbing up at this point as well at this point It starts to feel uncomfortably hot in here And you notice that some of the meat as well is darker than when you came in. Oh, it's cooking I've seen this I can tell

from my mind's eye with my meat staking, that meat has gone from rare to medium rare. It's now getting a little hotter. Now it's almost medium. Hey, you want to do a classic move?

And get ourselves across that uh Starting to be a little bridge done. Can we well done? We gotta move fast. Can we go across the bridge? We go across the bridge. High stakes. High stakes? You're going high stakes? Okay, alright, you're going high stakes, baby! I love it. Alright, we're going right across. We're taking a gamble. Yeah. Uh-huh. Well, here's what happens. Fuck you, Marvin. Fuck Marvin.

As you start running across the bridge, you see as the meat begins to cook more and more behind you, and as you look down, you actually see what this ravine was concealing is, uh, you see like hundreds of these meatballs, almost like a, uh, like Saruman's sort of castle outside. Oh. Uh,

And there's like various like oil geezers and like fires brewing down there. And as you step onto it as well, you notice this bridge is a lot more rickety than you realized. So what's going to happen here now is you're going to do a... Since you took high stakes, we're going to do five obstacles that you're going to have to face. Oh, I like those. I'm going to tell you what they are.

Shlat, you first. Go ahead and roll a d6 and I'll tell you what obstacle you guys are facing first. What on earth is a d6? This one, the one you roll for every other game that is not Dungeons & Dragons. Oh, you fucking idiot, it's a fucking cube. One. Fuck. On a one...

That's not good. That's not good at all. That's not good. Okay. Yeah. As you guys are running across, the bridge is starting to get more and more rickety. Uh-oh. As the meat below it is cooking, the links between them start to fall as the meat start falling off, leaving gaps. Not good. What do you do? Am I ever choice? The meat is falling out from under you. What do you do?

Um, it'll be like that scene from Modern Warfare 2 when you're ice climbing with ghosts. If the meat is falling because it's... Can we char it? Can we char it to harden it? Okay. How? Magic sauce, man. What do you do? I have a firebolt. Okay. I can cook some of the shmeet. Okay, roll a d20, try to harden it. Jesus Christ. That's that. That's your d20. Oh, that's mine. Okay. Listen, sorry.

Based on how you do here is whether or not you guys will- Three! Shit! Okay, uh, yeah, you actually firebolt, uh, directly through, like, one of the supporting meats, uh, and it- BAYO, YOU FUCKING IDIOT! I'm sorry, I'm not what I used to be! Tumbles out- tumbles out from both of you, uh, you manage to just barely catch yourselves, uh, but the next hazard you will be facing, you'll be rolling with disadvantage. Go ahead and roll another d6 as you scramble up. Me?! Uh, you actually this time. Okay. Butch.

D, six. That'll boy. Six, baby. A six? Oh, God.

Okay. Is that bad? Is that bad? Yeah. How is a six bad? Uh, you see on a six, uh, as below you- these are all bad, you took high stakes. As you see below you, you look down, uh, as you're just dangling on, you see as the fire begins to roar upwards. We rolled a six, I don't know if I'm confused! We rolled a six! We rolled a- that's a high number! This is just to determine what it's gonna be. Oh! Oh lord. There's like one on here that's easier. Oh! But go ahead and roll, go ahead and roll, uh, both of you a dexterity saving throw with disadvantage.

Which is with what? A d20 and you add your dexterity saving throw. Okay. Tell me what you got. Oh, I fell. Ah! Fuck! What'd you get? I got a three. Butch! God damn it, Butch! Uh, and with dexterity...

I got a ten. So it's a five. I rolled a twelve. You rolled a twelve. Okay, you guys both fail. Oh great, we're gonna die. So Butch, you're going to- This episode's ending early, Butch. Butch, you are going to take ten fire damage from this. Son of a bitch. So go ahead and write that down in your character sheet in your HP, subtract ten from that. Mayo-

That is, uh, top right, right up there in your HP. Fill it out. Subtract 10. Mayo, you are going to take, uh, that is, Mayo, you take 5 fire damage. Yeah. Oh, you got a lot of HP. Nice. I got...

Oh shit. I got 15. I'm down a fourth of my health. Not good. Roll another d6. Are we gonna fucking die? I guess we'll find out. Six. You see the meatballs below you are shearing when they see this. Son of a bitch. Another six? Yeah. Go ahead and make me two more dexterity saving throws. Not disadvantaged this time, just flat out. Thirteen.

19 19 passes 13 fails oh bunch so 15 plus 15 succeeds yes okay guys you both managed to work your ways around uh swinging around the fire you take no fire damage oh go ahead mayo nice roll me another d6 dude I rolled uh a one uh that is going to be another well I mean it's just it's a three

What do you mean it's not? That doesn't change anything. Because I added two. That doesn't change anything. Why did you add two? Because it's dexterity. No, this is just a d6. This is a d- Oh. Did you roll a d6? I rolled a d20. Oh, roll a d6. Roll a d6. We'll see what happens. Well, thank God. Five. Okay.

Yeah, on a five, you see as from your left and right, big, like, ham bone hams start swinging in on both sides of you, threatening to crush you. I'm going to need... What do you both do about this first? And I'll see if you guys get some sort of bonus on your save. Okay. I would like to take out my...

uh, meat cleaver and swing it onto one of the bones and use the momentum of the bone to swing around the obstacles. That's very cool. Make an athletics check. What the fuck? What am I supposed to do? I got plus six athletics. Very good. Roll a d20. Fuckin' three. It's a nine. Uh, yeah, awesome, yeah. You hook the meat, uh, smile, and it impacts you directly in the face. Uh, Mayo, go ahead and make a dexterity saving throw as well for this meat.

D20? Yeah, D20. Do people normally roll this badly? No. It's an 11. That fails! We're having a really hard time right now, Josh. As you are both, uh, uh, slammed! Gee, I got you these fucking thematic dice and they aren't screwing you over right now. Yeah. As you are both fucking slammed-- Oh, that's actually not bad. You are slammed by these ham hammers.

Uh, and you take a total of six bludgeoning damage each. Bludgeoning damage? Bludgeoning damage. What does that mean? Uh, it's just in case you have some sort of resistance to it, but that's the type of damage as you get hit by a big mate. So, six? So I'm at fucking 16. Uh, I'm at nine health. Holy shit. Yeah, you see as that actually hits, squeezes out a little ketchup, uh, and you see as a, as a meatball jumps up and, and like catches it and just like eats it. Hmm. Um, okay, uh,

You are now going to keep running. You're almost at that meat stalagmite. Go ahead. Who rolled last a d6? I'll roll it. Roll it this time. See what you get. Three. On a three, that is going to be the... Yeah, both of you guys see you here. Off to the sides of you. And discs of salami come flying out towards you. Go ahead and make me two salami.

More dex saves. Both of you guys make a dex save. 15. Okay! What'd you get? What'd you get? What'd you get? What'd you get? What'd you get? What'd you get? Is it a 1? I got a 1. Jesus Christ, man. Mayo passes. Yes!

Yeah, you you spurt a bunch of sauces on it weigh it down. It just falls below crushes a couple meatballs These guys suck dude. This is your this is a meat realm and you're doing so This is your brand man! You're Butch Wagoo! This is your brand! You're Butch Wagoo! Yeah, you open your mouth and get slammed in the face You're just so excited for it by this disc of salami. Oh man. You're gonna go ahead and take this is not that bad Okay, uh six slashing damage. I'm at ten health.

Guys, you've rolled really badly on this. What's gonna happen? But I've got good news! Oh. You've reached the meat stalagmite! And on it, there's a little meat treasure chest. You hear the meatballs cheering, the ambient fire. What do you do? Butch, open the goddamn treasure chest. How about you open the chest? I'm not having a very good experience. Fine! I open the chest. Okay, yeah, you open up the chest. Uh, you see inside, there's just a couple little things for y'all. Expedite it. Uh, for you, there is, you see this, um...

You see the... No, that's not good. Cool, yeah. You're gonna die! You see a golden knife sharpener in there with sort of blue runes on it. And as you pick it up, sharpen some of your weapons, you now have a plus one to all your attack and damage rolls with your weapons. Schlatt, you see add plus one to both your two hit and your damage now of all of your stuff down here. Go ahead and change it to instead of plus six, make it plus seven.

And instead of like if it was 1d8+4 now it's 1d8+5 for damage. So, Schlatt, for you, you see a metal rod. You try to pick it up. It's a little tough because it is very slippery. It is a greasy, greasy rod. Greasy rod? What this does... What this greasy rod does is you have an extra second level spell slot.

You have an extra spell slot. Actually, hang on. Uh, uh, can you, Chris, can you go ahead, uh, can you bring me my bag super, super quick? Got something for Slot. And you can cast the spell Grease at Will. Grease. So, I write that in here, right? Uh, go ahead, you can write it in your inventory. Just remember that you can cast Grease at Will and, uh, on your spell slots, go ahead and add another second level spell. It'll be on the back of that page. Oh, lord. How do we get health back?

You're gonna find out after this. Easy for you. Those are your spells that you picked. Turn them over. Those are all your spells. Yep. Yo. How cool is that? You can choose one of those? You can choose one of those. You have slots to use those. I wrote a couple in. This is looking pretty good, baby boy. Mind sliver. You attack a creature's mind. They must succeed on... Is it smudge? Yeah. They must succeed on intelligence. Intelligence saving throw or take...

He just didn't know the abbreviation. 1d6 psychic damage. Catapult. Choose one object weighing 1 to 5 pounds. The object flies 90 feet in the direction you choose. Why 90?

It's such a specific number. It's a good number. It's a good number. 'Cause most things are a hundred feet away. Gotcha. Wouldn't make sense if- Hot oil shoots up behind you and you have to keep fucking running! Okay, alright. Roll me one- one- I have to pick just one? No, you get to use- those are all your spells. Those are all your spells. If you wanna use 'em, you say you use 'em. Oh, hey! Calm down! Jesus, what's grease? What's grease? Grease is- This is not a spell! These are your spells back here. You see those? Oh, my spells? You see those? Those are your spells. Alright.

Where's grease? You have grease now. What does grease do? Just tell me you cast grease in a- I cast grease. You cast grease? Okay, just on you? Gre- It shoots grease. Alright, just for the fuck of it, uh, yeah, you cast grease, uh, the plat- you shoot out a- a- you shoot out a hot load of grease, uh, and Butch- Butch, go ahead and make me a dexterity saving throw.

Why the fuck are you doing that? What's your spell DC? Do you have that? Spell? 14. 14? 18. Yeah, you pass. You comically slip around a little bit, but you're okay. Hey, nice work, butch. Yeah, thanks for taking away my 18 from me when I really needed it. I was just testing you, butch. Alright, go ahead and roll me one last d6 to get across this fucking path. Can I punch him in the face before he does that? For doing that to me? Yeah, uh...

You ca- yeah. I can cast Grease at Will. Your luck will run out. Can I just give him a- Your luck will run out, you don't wanna do this. Can I- Yeah, go ahead and make an unarmed attack. I cast Grease. Make an unarmed attack. Fucking fine. Okay, yeah, you tried to punch him and fucking slip on the grease. But it's plus four strength.

So what, a nine? That's a fuckin' hit. Damn. Yeah, it's- you punch harder and you fuckin' spin around in a circle and fall. D6? What are you trying to do- oh yeah, D6, what did you get? Three. A three? Okay, a three is, uh, going to be, uh, I think I saw Salami Sawblades again. Um, cool. If you wanna do anything before you see them shoot out, you know what they are this time, you do anything before to maybe

Lesson how difficult the save is gonna be tell me now. Okay. I want to grease you want to grease the I want to grease up the machines Okay, reduce the accuracy So yeah, he wants to grease up the hands I have grease on the salami and now you have a big slab of greasy salami flying at you Okay, that is there anything you could like to do. I'd like to you know what I

You have other spells? I shouldn't have given you fucking crates. I just thought it'd be funny. Hold on, I'm a tiefling aren't I? Don't I have spells? You have Thaumaturgy and Hellish Rebuke. What are those?

Hellish Rebuke is a reaction you can like if you get hit you can cause something to catch on fire. Thaumaturgy is a spell... Do you have your phone on you? No. Okay, that's fine. Thaumaturgy is like if you want to like make your eyes glow or like make lights around you. It's like sensory effects. Oh. Like a gust of wind, dramatic flare stuff. Well in that case, I mean, I would like... I know what I'm gonna cast. Okay.

We'll get to that because you cast Grease on them. Not remotely helpful. Wow, these are slow saw blades. I'd like to- I'd like to- These are saw blades? They're like salami saw blades. I'd like to use my now sharpened knives. Oh, cool! To start slicing at the meats. Oh, cool! To cut the meat. Oh, that's sick! That's good. Roll me to attack with those. Yeah, roll to attack with those. D20. Plus... 7?

Seven. Ooh. 16 is gonna do it. Nice! How do you cut-- Nice, Ted! Nice! Yes! Hey, this is the last obstacle. You're almost there. How do you cut them up? What do you do with them before you make it to safety? I go with the meat invested in me. Spin one over my head. Grab it.

you see as he cuts them perfectly into a stack. Like I went to culinary school, baby. Oh, it was. And it shows. And it shows. And right then, as you guys deal with that final threat, you run through the gateway on the other side. Nice. Good. That was worth it. Yeah, that was worth it. That was good, man. That was good. Now, in a flash of light,

Everything goes white, and then green. As the fire bursts behind you and cooks the rest of the room. You find yourselves in a lush jungle. Where are we? You are in a lush jungle that looks like an overgrown garden. You see tomato vines creeping up. You see onions growing, but it's mostly lettuce plants. Everywhere. Gross! I hate lettuce! Before moving forward... Oh, you hate lettuce?

Well, that's funny, 'cause I hate lettuce too, butch! Fuck yeah! Um, if you guys wanna go ahead now, uh, before you go ahead, it seems like you're in a little bit of a clearing now, you can take a short rest. Mmm. What that means is that you can roll, uh... A long rest? That takes eight hours to long rest. How long is eight hours? Well, eight hours. Literally? Yeah.

We have to actually wait in the studio. So it's gonna cause a big problem. Don't do that. I don't think I wanna do that. So in fiction, a short rest is like 20 minutes. It's like a breather. So it's like tending to your wounds. I suggest it now because you guys are not looking super good. We're kinda beat up. So a short rest, if you wish to take it, you can opt out for some reason.

I'm gonna take a short rest. Okay, yeah. I think we should take a short rest. Just some downtime activity. Go ahead, you guys have hit dice. And what you do is... I'll rest too. Okay. He didn't ask me. Roll two of your hit dice, and on each add your constitution modifier, and that's how much HP you get back. This? So hit dice for you. For you, you're a barbarian. It's a d12. For this bad boy. Hit dice, 3d6. So, Ted, go ahead and roll one of those. What'd you get? What's your constitution? I'm...

My constitution is 2. So I roll 3d6. We'll get to that. You get 11 HP back from that roll. 9 plus 2. Excellent news. That brings you up to 21. And if you want, you can roll it again. I just stole yours. I can roll it again? You have 3. Yes. 3 hit die. Fuck.

I get two plus plus two plus two is four so you get another four HP Wow takes up to 25. I got one more. You get one more roll man. Where are we going? Where are we going? Come on man. I'm at 25. 25 right now out of 32. Go ahead and make that one last roll baby. Here it is. Oh. Suck my nuts. Is that a one? That's a one. You get three more HP. I mean that's almost full health. That's not bad. That's not bad.

Alright, go ahead and use yours. You have a d6, you are a sorcerer. And I add constitution to it? Uh, yes. So roll a d6, what'd you get? Three. So five. Add the most perfect document to your health. So you gain five HP. And you can do that two more times. The most beautiful and perfect document must be added to the roll that you do. The most beautiful and perfect document? Yes, of course, your constitution. The constitution? Are you fucking kidding me? Nicolas Cage swoops in and steals your life force. So, I get three.

Another three? Okay. Well, I rolled one. How are you looking right now? Looking good. I'm at 17. And my max health is 20. Very good. And now I roll. Dude, if I was the same health as you, I would've literally been dead. Is that every- you have all your health back then? I have all of it. Okay. If I was taking the same hits as you,

Oh, yeah. No, if I was in the same house as you and I was taking his eye, I would've literally been dead. Yeah, you'd be dead. I will say, if you-- so you have a rage that you can do. I was thinking about it, but then I can't-- It halves damage, is something it does. What?! I wish I knew about that. Excellent, excellent. Well, let's wait for the man. Well, there'll be opportunities. There'll be opportunities. What do-- just for curiosity's sake, what do Mayo and Butch do in this short downtime while they're licking their wounds?

Are you sleeping? I'm fucking seething. You can do whatever you want. This is light activity, so you could be cooking something up. Maybe you're regaining this by making a couple of meats. Maybe you've got a couple of Marvin corpses on you. May I... So... No, may oh. Here's the thing. That would be the... Can I take out a little piece of meat? It is a piece of...

Kagoshima Wagyu. Holy shit. Yeah, it's a little more cooked than you remember because of all the fire. Yeah, so it's at like a medium. That's okay. Okay. I tenderly take out one of my... tenderly take out one of my butcher knives and I slice it into little slices. Okay, here's what I want you to do. Make me a survival check. If you roll well here, I'll let you use another hit die that you don't have if you roll well. Four.

Plus your survival? 16. 16. That'll do it. Go ahead and roll me another hit die. You make this nice meat dish for yourself. Hook it up. You rolled a 2. It's okay, because that's not actually your hit die. It's the d12. Oh. That one. I was ready to throw a fit. 8. 8. Nice. You get 8 plus your constitution modifier. You should be back up at full.

So because you prepared this special meat... I can't get extra HP? No, no. And I squirt some A1 steak sauce onto your meal. And then we take a bite and we enjoy it together. As you do this... That wasn't good. As you squirt A1 steak sauce on this meat in the middle of the jungle of vegetables, something feels wrong. Oh, it feels wrong. Both of you, make me perception checks.

Well. Okay. Plus. Minus one. One. You rolled a one again? Jeez, man. Do you want one of my- Here, take one of mine. This is a mess. I want you to have one of my d20s. Do you actually think that one of these dice doesn't work? I don't know if it's that or you, man. Here, I'll roll this one for the- We'll see. Should I roll this one again? No, you got a one. You got a what? Damn it. Eleven.

I started rolling on this because I didn't want to roll on this anymore. That's fine. You got an 11, you got a 1. Okay. We're doing good, man. We're good. I just struggle with getting 1s. I get a lot of D1s. You hear what seems like a breeze coming through these trees and this lettuce. And it seems like they're all ruffling. You don't feel any wind. And as you see this, you hear from behind you,

I'm a big boy and you- Oh shit. Oh, what the fuck's going on here? Does a- does a, uh, Ted on you- What? Does a 11 hit you? A what? Does an 11 hit your AC?

Oh, that's your armor class up here. So you have 14? No. Oh, so it doesn't. Okay, cool. Yeah, you manage to duck just in time as you see a big, red, meaty fist fly above you, and you turn and see a literal big boy tomato. And he is jacked. Go ahead, both of you, go ahead and roll initiative. This is the first combat here of the session. Wow. All right.

Where's initiative? D20 plus your... God, my dad. What did you roll? I rolled a 2. 10. Why is he getting all that? Give me my dice back. 12. You want this one? Here, take this one back. It doesn't even matter. You got a 12? I rolled a 12, yeah. You got a 2 plus 4. Okay, so you have 12, you have 4. Okay, good to know. Let me note this down real quick. That's how initiative... So that affects me for the rest of the fight. Yep.

Can I roll one more time? No, you can't roll one more time! No, no, just roll once. In that case, let me enter Rage. Does... Let me see this. Does Rage give you advantage on initiative? No. Okay, yeah, you still have a four, but you can... I'm just looking... I will let you enter Rage before the fight starts. If I'm getting the hits... If I'm getting... Oh, you're gonna put a timer on, right? Uh, you'll see what I do. Do you get a 12? Mm-hmm. Uh, you get a four?

Mm-hmm. Okay. I'm just assuming I'm gonna get hit. Yeah, you're gonna get hit, bro. You're gonna get hit. But I will let you enter a rage before it starts. Alright. Uh, yeah. The big boy tomato. Okay, good stat. Alright, alright, alright. You see as well, before you have a chance to attack anything, two more vegetables uproot themselves. Oh. Uh, you see a lettuce...

Yep. A big fucking lettuce leaf towering above you. Above me? Yep, above you. Above Butch? Above both of you. A tall lettuce plant uproots itself, kind of like opens itself and starts quivering and is walking over you. And you also see an onion dig itself up. These are the worst guys. I hate them. And just like, kind of like, alright, here we go.

And the onion starts walking up towards you as well. The sassy onion? Sassy onion. So that is gonna be... Okay. Alright. Alright! Uh, Mayo, you are up first. You are, uh, you have a lettuce, a big boy tomato, clearly using GMOs. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Clearly using GMOs. He's fucking roided out. He is a modified organism. And this, uh... Very funny. I like a little emo onion coming at ya. Yeah.

Yeah. The onion's like, "Yeah, get me, get me! Like, right here, right here!" What is it, like a masochist? You don't know. But it's kind of just like, it's like exposing itself to you a little bit. Oh, it's a pervert. Like, "Hey!" Like, "Over here, over here!" We got a pervert onion. Is he wearing a trench coat? I see you looking at me! Yeah, the onion actually, uh, he actually peels himself. He's like, "Oh!"

Yeah, yeah, you see it reaches up and exposes itself to both of you. Fully peeling back the onion foreskin and revealing the onion flesh underneath. Okay. What are you doing? How close are these creatures together? Okay. The tomato is separated from the rest, but both the onion and the lettuce are close together. Why? Because I'd like to cast...

Acid Splash. Okay, what does that do? What do they need to do? So, Acid Splash. I can cast it with one action. Has a 60-foot range. Instantaneous.

No splash. Hot sauce splash! Hot-whoa! You hurl a bubble of hot sauce. Choose one creature within range or choose two creatures within range that are within five feet of each other. Absolutely they are. The target must succeed on a dexterity saving throw or take 1d6 hot sauce damage. Okay, there we go. Gonna make dex save. Onions first. Uh, I'm gonna assume a eight does not pass. What do I...

You spla- yeah, you splash the onion, it gets right in their folds, it says "Ahh, it's so good!" Um, the, uh, then the lettuce, uh, makes a dexterity saving throw, does a 14 pass. Where do I see if it passes? What is your spell save DC? It should be on your sheet. I don't know where it would be.

Oh, so that was a 13? Wasn't that a 13? I think he got a 14. Oh, so is that just neutral? So the lettuce passes if it matches. So the onion fails, lettuce passes. Can I do something? Well, now I roll. Roll the damage. Tell me how much it does to them. Wait, a D6? D6, right? Is that what it says? Yes. You did a 5. A 5. Okay, so the onion takes... Oh, shit. Okay, onion is not looking...

Awesome. Good. Uh... Hey. Yeah, it gets... We're getting better at that. We're getting better at it, yeah. Okay. It gets in the folds of the onion and it's like, "Oh, I don't like it, but I do!" I'm just doing that enough so I hope people like it. And then the lettuce... What do they do on a successful save? Do they just not take damage?

Target must succeed on a dexterity saving throw or take acid damage. Does it say what happens if they succeed it? No. No, okay, then the lettuce doesn't take anything. The lettuce dodges out of the way. You're mortal enemy. You're frazzled when you see the lettuce and you just like, "Fuck, shit, man!" Hot sauce goes wide. Wow. Up next... It just doesn't belong on anything. So what does initiative affect? It affects the turn order. So now is the big boy tomato. The big boy tomato

is going to go ahead and, uh, fucking punch you. Uh, you see he's absolutely roided out. Goes for another big slam on you. Oh, little guy! Little tiny guy! Don't call me that. Oh, little tiny guy! What are you? They find you? They pick you off the vine, buddy? Ooh! What are you, a grape tomato? Cherry tomato? Oh, I'm a big boy. He fucking punches you in the face. Does he? Does he, though? Yeah, he does. Does a 22 hit?

Well, yeah. Okay, so he punches you in the face for five bludgeoning damage. Are you in a rage? I am in a rage. Okay, you only take three. If you say something cool, you can round down, because I don't remember if it's rounded up or down. If I say something cool? Yeah, say something cool to him when he punches you. I'm gonna fucking turn you into a BLT, bitch. Whoa, which one am I gonna be?

Oh fuck, sorry! I figured this wouldn't stand! Wow, this is so embarrassing! Yeah, go ahead. Um, yeah, you take two damage from that.

Okay, cool. Up next is the onion. Oh, God. This thing is going to run up to you. Oh, so I just get the last turn in every circumstance? Yeah. The onion runs up to you, and it peels off another layer, and it's just like, right, like, just right here. Oh, just cut me. Just cut me right here. Oh, man. Is that all it does? Oh, man. Does it not even attack? Oh, what are you going to do? And it starts kind of, like, rubbing itself on you a little bit. Me? Yeah, it does a...

Does a 21 hit? Well, yeah. Okay. Got 14 armor. Yeah, you only take 2 bludgeoning damage from this. I already halved it, so it's just 2 bludgeoning damage. The lettuce, however, the lettuce looks at you, Mayo. The lettuce is going to attempt to wrap you in itself. Mayo! And create a lettuce wrap. Oh, protein style, huh? Mayo is about to be protein style.

Okay, does a... that might not actually hit. Does a 12 hit? I have 13 armor. Holy shit. All right, the lettuce comes at you and like opens up. How do you, how do you dodge it? As it comes in, just quivering. How do I dodge it? How do you dodge the lettuce?

How do I dodge it? It's an improv game. Don't say you turn into a car. I turn into a vending machine and just like that. And just fall to the side. I turn into a faulty vending machine that's killed many children in its past by falling on them.

And I fall on my side. Okay, your components- But I'm okay. Your components click together and you sort of turn into like a box of a man, like back into your condiment self. Uh, and you just fall on over out of the fucking way. Um, last but not least, Butch, it's your turn. I would like to attack the big fucking-

You attack the big tomato? Alright. No, no, no. Go for the onion. Wait. 'Cause he's right next to you. Oh, go for me! I can take it! And then, and then, I can use one of my bag of tricks. Don't go for the onion! The onion's a weirdo! The onion's a fuckin' weirdo! Don't go for the onion, man! I'll cast a little spell that'll do- I'll cast a little spell that'll do- It likes it! The onion fuckin' likes it! Hey. Don't touch the onion! Three times, d8 bludgeoning damage. Who here's the big boy? We throw the-

Who's the big boy here? What are you guys talking about? Oh, on my turn. This is it. You want to go for the onion. The onion's almost dead already. Hey, beefsteak. Hey, beefsteak. Look over me. All right. Onion's almost gone. Oh, I got veins. Can I fucking... Ow, I'm a tomato. Does it have eyes? Which one? The onion.

Uh, does an onion- you know, I honestly- Does it visually have eyeballs? Uh, yeah, you see as it starts to peel back more layers that you start to see the outline of something as if something is underneath. Okay, so I take out my flail and I go *boop* *boop* and I aim it towards that eye. You wanna hit it in the eyes? Yeah. Okay, uh, roll me a d20 to hit. You're gonna have disadvantage because you're targeting a body part, but if you hit it will do a lot more.

17. One more time, take the lower one, because you have disadvantage, because you're targeting. 16. Nice! So that's 16 plus what to hit? 16, what do I add? 7. 16 plus 7, that's 23. You fucking hit the thing. Go ahead and roll damage. What's that? This? That is a... 1d8. Okay, roll a d8 and then add that damage. Tell me how much it is. Okay, here we go.

Five. Plus? Five plus... seven, right? Oh shit. For... Five plus seven? That's twelve, right? How do you kill the onion? From the flail? What? How do you kill the onion? Alright, so...

I basically do this. I take my file, I go- I go- Oh yeah, what's that gonna do? It goes towards, and then- and then I run, I jump, and then like- Oh, it's inside me! And then I'm- Dude, you gotta stop with that shit. That's really weird. Oh, then you better kill me! You better kill me if you want me to stop! Oh man! I- I- So I- it goes to the eye, I- I jump over it, and then I pull it like that, so it's like- *pfft*

Okay, so you- you- holy shit! You rip out the inside of the onion? Yeah. Oh, that's fucking badass. That's awesome. Uh, yeah, it says "What's our safe-?" and then it uh, and then it just fucking- you just tear out the inside of an onion. What does the inside of an onion look like again? I don't know, but I got something on the end of that meat hook. He's got a- he's got a ball. You got some like- you got some like censored, like- like censored, basically like white fucking thing inside of an onion. And that center of the onion falls to the ground, and I say,

Nice to peel ya. And then I turn to Mayo and I go, "You've been repealed." Yeah, you see the tomato as well, he puts out his hand and he's like, "That was good." "Yeah, that was good. Come on, come on." I slap it away and I say, "Fuck you, tomato!" "Oh god, I'm gonna fucking kill you, man." Go ahead and roll a, as you kill this onion, go ahead and make me a constitution saving throw. Five. What's your constitution saving throw?

Two? What? Plus four. So nine? Nine. Okay. As you tear out the onion, and you just rip all the layers apart, you feel your eyes start to water a little bit. Yeah. You are now blinded.

For how long? For the next round, just for your next turn. Okay. That's not good. Up next is again mayo. Onion is fucking dead. Lettuce is still good and well. And I'm fucking blinded. Big boy Tornado doing just fine. I'm gonna cast a spell. Oh! What the hell is that? I'm gonna... I'm a veggie. Hey! My beady little eyes shift to the carcass of that fuckstick onion. What the fuck are you looking at her for? And I say, I'm gonna cast a little...

A little shpell. I'm gonna cast catapult. You're fucking terrifying! You're gonna catapult a corpse? I'm gonna catapult the corpse of the onion. I wish I could see your faces, but I'm blind right now. Oh my god, yeah, you're just- he's just crying, he's just crying.

Oh my god. I, out of my body, protrudes a little arm. A spiny, snaky little arm. That used to grab children back in the day. Don't say that! You feel something rub you all over- Everyone here is a goddamn weirdo. You feel something rub you all over the place. Like to kill them, not to- Not in any other way would it grab the children. I choose the corpse of the onion.

I catapult him towards the big tomato. Oh shit, alright. Tomato needs to make dex saving throw, right? Dex saving throw or take 3d8 bludgeoning damage. That's a lot! That's a lot. That's why I said to ta-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a

Kill the onion, 'cause I've got something up my sleeve. That is horrifying. Yeah, I'm gonna say this thing weighs between one of- it's like the core of an onion. It's the corpse. Um, so an eight doesn't save, does it? No. No, it doesn't. Uh, yeah, you actually- yeah, you just see the tomato go, "Oh no!" And the corpse of the onion actually like, smiles a little, and just goes flying towards this fucking thing. Roll the damage on him. This is gonna hit him. D8. Is this the D8? That's a six? Eight. That's an eight. That's a D8. Four. Four.

Uh, you get to roll three times, right? Yes. Holy shit. Okay, four. Four. Ooh! Eight! Oh! Twelve total? Six. Go! Eighteen? Yeah. Okay. You fucking nail him with this. It like tears off half of his body. You just see like the seeds and shit just coming out. He catches himself with one beefy hand. He is barely still going, but he's still going.

And you just see an anger in his one little fucking tomato eye. He doesn't have an eye, it's like you see the skin of the tomato wrinkle where it would be. It looks like he's been, uh, what's that called when you put the tomato in boiling water? Oh my god, yeah, like when you, uh, what is it called? Yeah, he's Blanche. Yeah, he enters Blanche mode. His skin falls off and you see an enraged Blanche tomato. Good. Good. My genetically modified gains! Um, up next is the tomato.

The tomato is gonna try and go for you now. You see as it fairly runs over on one leg and one arm, it's gonna go ahead and just launch itself at you. Yeah, that's good. You wouldn't be able to do anything. Does a 17 hit? Yeah. Yeah. Come here, buddy! D8. I got one of those. Okay.

That's a lot. Uh, you're gonna take nine bludgeoning damage from this thing. Oh, Jesus Christ. Fucking... I thought I would've killed him. No, you're su- he has... He's on his last legs. I will tell you, he is very much on his last legs. He's on his last fucking legs and he's destroying me, man. He is not looking fucking good. Eight bludgeoning damage from this man. Yeah, I got eleven health left. Holy crap! Uh, up next is... the lettuce.

The lettuce now, uh, Oh, the lettuce is still alive? Lettuce is- you guys have not touched the lettuce yet. I forgot! The lettuce just hasn't said anything, it doesn't have a personality, it's just lettuce, you know, fuckin' whatever, right? Uh, wiggles around a little, uh, starts wobbling over towards you, Butch, and it's gonna go ahead and try and wrap- Am I still blind? Wrap you up! You are. Oh yeah. You are, so it's gonna- I believe it's gonna have advantage here on this attack. Okay. Natural 20.

From the lettuce. It hits you. You see white and then black and then green. Intro to darkness? And redness and whiteness. Intro of darkness and redness and whiteness. You get pulled inside. Yeah, yeah, you get grabbed by lettuce buskets. Oh no. Um, you're down. Shit, this is actually not good for you. Uh, you're gonna take half damage though from this. Uh, as you see, Mayo just envelops him. Um, you take... Okay. Ah!

Uh... shit. Uh, 16 halved to 8 bludgeoning damage. Jesus Christ. You are now grappled by the lettuce. I'm at 20. Okay. Alright.

That is gonna bring it back up to Mayo. Jesus. How long does my rage last for, by the way? Like a minute. You're fine. A turn is six seconds. Oh, okay. Your rage will only end if you don't attack something in a turn. Okay. Otherwise, you're good. I believe you have a bunch of crazy shit you can do. Mayo, no, it's back up to you. This beefsteak tomato has just tackled you into the ground, plowed you into the ground. Standing over you, it's blanched.

How close? You blanched me! How close am I? You fucking blanched me! I'm fucking blanched, dude! How close am I to Butch? Shit! You're taking me to Blanch Ranch after this! I'm fucked, dude! Oh, Jesus. What have you done? Oh, Jesus. Give me my skin back! Give me my skin! It starts picking- it starts to put on its skin again. It's awful. It's just a terrible sight. Fuck it. I'm launching Firebolt at this- at this pussy. You're just gonna Firebolt it? I'm launching Firebolt. Nice. Okay. Uh, go ahead and roll to attack with that.

What does that mean? 1d10? Fire? No, you roll a d20 to hit first and add that thing. I roll a 9. Plus? Plus what? Plus 6! That definitely fucking hits. 15 hits the big boy tomato. Excellent. Uh, okay. Roll damage. This is a 10? Nope. Roll over. D10 looks like this. Or a diamond. Yeah, this thing. Yeah. Alright. 6. How do you kill the tomato?

You can do a team attack if you want. You know what? This is all flavor. I'm a big fan of giving people a taste of their own medicine. Oh, no. What are you...

What are you doing? What are you doing? I expose myself to the tomato. Oh god, just before I die, just tell- Oh, oh, large, mentally- Tell Marvin I loved him! Tell Marvin the magic meatball I loved him! You don't wanna know what I did to- You don't wanna know what I did to fuckin' Marvin. I gave him the same treatment. An arm extends. No. No. Catch up! What is that?

"W-W-WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! He's like holding his gut like he's fucking bleeding out. You're covering him, Kedja. This is sick! This is fucking sick!" "That's grandma!" "G-G-Gertrude, is that you?! He's just holding it, gasping at this. Uh, and he just dies."

He just dies. He dies. Yeah. Just, again, just gasping at this. You shoot ketchup at him. Go straight through him. You see this just fucking line of condiment fly through him. Oh, I can't see anything. Oh, right. You would. You visualize it. You hear it. I hear just like... Yeah, you hear it. I think to myself. I think to myself. Yeah, you hear a, Why would God let this happen? And then a... As he falls over. Next... Is it my turn? Next up is gonna be...

The lettuce. You missed your turn, you were blind. You missed a turn. Wait, did I skip- I think I skipped you. Well, yeah, the lettuce went and then he went. Well, he's blind. No, he should still be able to go. You have a turn. The lettuce already grappled me. Go ahead, yeah. So, can I roll for a two-weapon fighting with my two flashes? So here's what you can do. You can roll once to attack with your first hand, then another time to attack with your second hand. But it says one of the actions I have is two-weapon fighting.

Yeah, so you have the... you basically attack twice. You roll twice to hit. Oh, cool. Okay. Alright, first attack. 19. Hits. Even without adding anything to it, absolutely hits. Roll your second attack. 12. Plus what? Plus what? What do I add? Oh, plus 7, right? Yeah, plus 7. That's gonna hit. You add that 7 to the likelihood of hitting? No, you add it to the roll. Oh, I do this every time? Okay, 7. 19, right?

Yeah, 19. So double 19. So you get two hits on it. Nice. Now what do I grab? Well, let's see. What are you attacking with? You're attacking with two of your knives, right? Both my cleavers. Okay, cool. So you're going to go ahead and roll twice for that damage. For this? It'll say what dice you roll. Oh, 1d6. Yeah, so you do 1d6 plus 4 and another d6. So 7? 7 plus... You don't add it to that one because it's your offhand. So it's 7 plus 4 is 11 damage to it.

Oh. Lettuce is not looking good. 11 damage? Yeah. You shred this lettuce. Okay. I killed it? Not yet. You fucked with lettuce before, though. But I escaped, too. You don't escape. It's still grappling you, but you managed to basically shred it. Like, half of the top of the lettuce gets neatly shredded off. So I'm going like this. I'm like... You know how you slice it very finely for a taco? Yeah. That's what you do to it. And it's just shredded off. You give it a lot off the top. Nice. The lettuce quivers. Nice. Up...

Next, now is the lettuce. Uh, lettuce is going to squeeze you, as lettuce does. Uh, does a 13 hit. It does not. No, it doesn't. So fuck that lettuce. Fuck that lettuce. Mayo, get me out of here, man. The lettuce quivers impotently. Well, I'll get you out of here. Impotently. What an awesome descriptor, right? Up next is Mayo.

Butch, I'm gonna get you out of this. Oh, please do. And I'm gonna get you out of this in a way that you're gonna love. I hope I do. It's time for this lettuce to get a taste. I'm gonna cast blindness. Slash deafness. You're gonna make the le- I'm gonna make the lettuce blind. This is fucked up. I'm just fu- I- It's fucked up. You can do that. Okay, so you're gonna blind the le- Yeah. Alright, what does the lettuce need to do? The lettuce with no- You don't see any eyes on it, but it's- Well, it can see. Clearly. 'Cause it's grappling Butch. Okay?

You can blind it up and fuck, choose one creature. I'm visibly confused by your choices here. No, no, just describe what it- Well, no, I'm setting you up here for a home run. Oh yeah, I'm sure. This is the only thing that I've described so far in the entire session that doesn't have eyes, and you're trying to blind it, it's the only- No, it's going- I mean, go ahead. Well, maybe it's working with some fucking sonar shit, so I'll deafen it!

Okay, that was actually- that's actually a good call. Um, what does it need to roll? Uh, choose one creature that you can see within range to make a constitution saving throw. If it fails, the target is either blinded or deafened. Does a two pass? Does a two pass? I gotta act- so it doesn't. Okay, the lettuce becomes deaf now or blind? Does it become deaf or blind? It's deaf. It's deaf. Okay, the lettuce becomes deaf.

And now it can no longer hear anything. Yeah, the lettuce can't hear. It can't use its blessed sonar. Nothing changes in what you- Nothing changes?! Well, I mean, what you see- Why did the lettuce was using sonar? The lettuce was clearly using sonar. The lettuce was clearly using sonar. It's got no eyes. Why did you draw this conclusion that the lettuce was using- It's got no eyes! Can we bully you into saying the lettuce was using sonar? No, you can't- Okay, no. Jesus Christ.

Uh, up next now is going to be, uh... This now going to be, uh... The lettuce, 'cause I skipped it. What?! No, you skipped me. I know, so I put you back in and then... No, but then the lettuce went, and then Shalette went, and now it's me. There's only three people at play right now, so... Alright, go for it. Is that upsetting? No, I rolled for it. Go for it. Okay. What are you gonna do to the lettuce? You're still inside the lettuce. The lettuce can no longer hear you? So that's... something that's going on. Um...

Do you say anything as you make the lettuce dab? No, because he wouldn't hear it. Do you say it like, do you maybe say something to Butch to indicate that you've made the lettuce? What's an opportunity attack? Butch, the lettuce can no longer hear. Is that mayo?

You are not- No, no! You're not lettuce! I know, I'm saying- I'm just- 'cause I'm in the lettuce still. Unrelated, Butch is already deaf, actually, so it's fine. No, no, no, I'm not. No, I am. What? An opportunity- So an opportunity attack is if you run away from something, it's able to take a swing at you before you get away. Unless you disengage. Oh, okay. So, probably not relevant right now unless you try to break the scrap on runaway, but this lettuce is not looking good, it's in tatters, it's around here. Just swing at him again. I would like to- I would like to do once again a two-weapon- Can I- How many times can I do two-weapon fighting? Every turn.

Breathe? Yeah, you can attack with two weapons at a time. Okay, I would like to do the two-weapon fighting once more. Okay. You also have, I just realized, you have plus two additionally to everything you've been saying to all of your melee attacks because you're in a rage or a meat sweat. I'm in my meat sweat, right? I forgot to say. What do you look like in your meat sweat? Oh, I look like kind of, I don't know if you've,

Have you ever gotten like, uh, when you get out of the shower and you just took a really hot shower and you still sweat after you get out of the shower? And it's like the post-shower sweats where it's like a really hot shower so you're sweating. Okay. So you're sweating.

The lettuce is deaf. I'm all red. I'm all red. I'm even redder than I normally am because my skin is a wonderful red. And I'm sweating, and I'm going... Mayo, something smells of meat here in this jungle, but how could that possibly be? And like the...

The... Like, I'm getting the smell of like, nicely cooked Wagyu coming out of my... Oh, is that Wagyu? ...pores. Beautiful... That wafts over to you. Beautiful... That wafts over to you, man. ...the nicely... The wafts. The wafts. Um... Wafts? Did you say waft? So now... Both wafts and wafts over to you. So now I slice. I go... Or actually, no, I go...

Okay, roll to hit. Roll to hit. 15. Plus 7. 15 plus 7, that's 22. Holy shit, yeah, that's... 7. Plus... 7. That fucking hits. 14. Double hit. All your damage. Do I roll with this? It's, uh, it's... Again. It's 6, right? Again, it's bad boy. 6. Yep. So 1d6. 3. Plus 4. Plus 4. Plus 2 for your rage. So 7. 9 total. Another 1.

1 plus 2, 3, so... 12? How do you... finish the lettuce. Finish the lettuce! I go... Lettuce send you to hell. And I go- OHHHHH! That's fuckin' awesome! Holy shit!

You get better at this much. Yeah, the tomato just vaguely off-camera goes, "Nice, fuck off some little ketchup. Dice for real this time." Holy shit, yeah. Do you turn it into anything in particular or do you just... No. Don't turn that lettuce... lettuce does not deserve to go on anything. No, no, no. I fucking... and I guess what I do. Guess what I do.

I take off my boots. Yeah? And I turn it into fucking foot lettuce. Oh my god! I stomp on it! You stomp on it! And I stomp on that shit like I'm a fucking Taco Bell employee! Holy fucking shit! I'm a fucking Taco Bell employee! All of the, all of the, all of the like, plants growing in a vicinity slightly scoot away from you when you start doing this. And after, after you do that, combat is over. And now, uh, now you are just in this vegetable jungle.

And in front of you, uh, in front of you, you see as another doorway appears. Wow. You've got this gateway in front of you. Anything you want to say or do before going on to the next layer of the sandwich? Hey, I fucking ate vegetables. How about you? Yeah, lettuce, lettuce, tomato. More like no-may-to.

I'll work on that. No worries. I'll work on that. You guys are fucking awesome. Uh, yeah, yeah. Uh, as you're talking about how much you hate lettuce... It just doesn't belong on anything. It's just a... Why do you want extra crunch? It's like, we'll... The vegetables around you start scooting in a little now. Let's go through the fucking portal. Yeah, let's go through the portal. They start to uproot themselves. I'm gonna walk towards the portal. And they start, "Hey, what'd you do to my brother?" "Oh, we're going through the portal!" "Uh, can I just run with my rage?"

To the portal? Yeah, yeah, you're good. It's like right next to you. Oh, okay. Alright, we're outta here. Cool. Yeah, yeah, anything you wanna, uh, do right before you leave or anything, or you good? You got any puns? Got any puns? Hey, say something fuckin' funny! I turn to the- I turn to the vegetables and say, "You're not that great." Also, if you're a vegetable, most of the time you're a fruit. I mean, a fuckin'... a fuckin' cucumber is- is a melon, okay? So...

All the all the vegetables look at you like up through the portal Carrot you're a fucking root. What are you doing here? I stick my head back through the point I'm like butch it's let's and and can we just wrap this up and Karen just looks like uncomfortable over there I'm looking at you kale. You're just a fucking leaf You're just a fucking super

Hey, broccoli! And broccoli, I'm looking at- Fucking superfood! Broccoli, I'm looking at you. You're just a fucking flower, dude. You are! Broccoli, you don't have to go, man. It's all good. Ugh. Yeah, they all- I'll go through the portal. Yeah, uh, the tomato, uh- I think I'm right on that. Look that up. The tomato faces an existential crisis, realizing it's a fruit and deanimates and becomes a regular tomato. Well, I'm pretty sure a cucumber's a melon.

I don't know. What the hell are you talking about? He went to culinary school, so he would know. He did. He knows. Yeah, okay, cool. Yeah, you leave them in a state of existential crises. That's what I was hoping for, that their entire society will fall apart. It collapses. You see small fires start as you're leaving. You hear screams. Yeah, you hear another whoop, and then you hear, where's Marvin? And then you warp out. As we're passing through the dimensions. Yeah, as you're passing through. Oh!

You find yourself facing a warm... You sort of get hit immediately by a warm brie. Not a breeze. A brie. A slab of cheese impacts you in the face and rubs off. And when you remove it, you see that you are careening down a river of fondue on a wheel of cheese. Just barely big enough to hold both of you. We're in Cheeseland. Cheeseland? That's a Game Boy Advance Mario Kart Super Circuit...

Course. That's very true. Very quick course. And then they ruined it in Mario Kart 8 when they decided to remake it with that upside down gravity shit. Who the fuck cares about that? Yeah, you actually see you're coming up on a couple gravity panels that are gonna flip your- Yeah, fuck, that's terrible. That's terrible. No, no, no, you- No, they ruined Ribbon Road too.

They obliterated Ribbon Road. In both Ribbon Road and Cheeseland, they picked the two courses with the craziest shortcuts. So as Mayo is going on about Mario Kart... And now they just completely removed them in Mario Kart 8 when they remade these fucking places. Cheeseland is not even recognizable anymore. So I slap Mayo across the face, and I say, Mayo, snap out of it!

You're going off on your tangents again, alright? Sorry, I'm thinking about peach go- pink gold peaches ass. Stop thinking about the war. Stop thinking about the Mario Kart war. Alright? And then we're- now we're- You're careening down this fucking- yeah, you guys have just been like spinning desperately down this thing this whole time. Mayo, pay attention! We're careening desperately! I'm trying! I'm trying! We're careening! You see a- you see a sign as well as you're careening down. You catch it as you're spinning around. It says "The River of Fond Doom." The River of Fond Doom? You flash the sign.

Holy shit. What is he getting at? Wait, wait, wait. And I l- I l- Reach my trench coat down. Fondue spilling in. Okay, while he's doing that. No, that's fucking awesome. Can I- Can I- Make a survival check to see how much fondue you get. Six. Okay. It's thicker than- Five. It's thicker than you expect. It's thicker than I expect. You get like, a little. A little bit. But you almost fall in, so you have to stop. Okay. Um, can I see how- That sign that I see, how close is it to the shore?

And how far away are we from it? You would actually see that here, there is no shore. It is just like a river, basically, and these walls of cheese with these holes in it. Where is the sign? It's on the side of one of those walls. Am I still in rage? You would be... By now, it's been a minute, so no. Okay. You'd have to activate it again. Can I take my flail? Okay. And swing it onto the sign? Oh, this is cool. Yeah, I see what you're saying. And try to get our... And...

And since I'm strong, maybe I take Mayo with me and we get onto the wall? I see what you're saying. This is cool. Okay. Yeah. You know what? Fuck it. Go ahead and roll an athletics check. On D20? Yeah, D20 plus athletics. 17. Plus athletics? Plus dicks. Okay. Yeah. This is going to put you guys in a weird spot, but you do this. You swing your flail around this sign. Grapple yourselves in. Do you climb up on it?

Cleavers. Well read the fucking sign for us, butch! Cleavers? Yeah, stab it right in the middle of the fondue. Like I'm ice climbing. That's fucking awesome, dude. Cool. Yeah, uh, yeah. Do you do anything to grab onto the side of this as he pulls you guys in? He's like, "You guys are on the side of the wall now." What does the sign say? The sign says "River of Fondue." Oh, it just says "River of Fondue." So I was like, "We gotta get ourselves off of this river."

So we're just- we're grappling up the cheese now? We're on the cheese wall. He's trying to- yeah, he's trying to get out of the river, I think is what you're doing. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. He wasn't expecting me to do that. No, I wasn't, but it's cool. It's fine. Here we are. He wasn't expecting this. What do you- what do you do as well? I've got tiny little knives in me, and I take these knives and they're- By all means, I guess he could. They're extendable. Okay. I mean, he's made of metal, he can stab. And they come out of robot arms, and I've stabbed many children. Make an athletics check. Make an athletics check. Yeah, make an athletics check. Or acrobatics. Three...

You open up your trench coat. You try to produce knives. You instead, a bunch of spoons slap against the cheese instead. You get the spoon button. And Mayo is still on the cheese. He begins drifting down. Wasn't he holding onto me? Can I grab him? If he rolled better, maybe. No, you got yourself on. I will let you roll one more athletic check to try and grab him, but otherwise he's going and you're staying. Oh, Jesus Christ.

18! You know what it fell- 18 plus? Oh, is that- Okay, guys. Alright, you grab- yeah, you grab Mayo, you pull him on, he's got- 18 plus 6. He's got spoons thrusting out of him now, he's got spoons everywhere. Squirting ketchup. Um, you grab him, and you just see as his feet leave the wheel of cheese, uh, it drifts down a little further and, uh, is, uh, *snorts*

What? Consumed by sharks. Oh, sharks. Sharks. What's consumed by sharks? The cheese wheel that you guys were riding on. Okay. Okay, what do you do? I would've just cast a mage hand and grabbed onto the sign so you didn't have to do that. You didn't have to do any of that. So here we are. Minus one. Oh. Can I roll perception to fix- see if there's maybe a cave of some sort in this wall of cheese? Go ahead. Roll investigation, see if you can find a way.

19. Or 16, sorry. 16 plus what's your investigation? Plus two. 18? 18. I'm sorry. No, this is good. No, this is good. This is great. I love this. This is the one time I started getting good rolls. No, I love it. I love it. Okay, yeah. You grab onto the sign. You see as this cheese is starting to melt, goop a little, it creates a little bit of a hole that you can see. Possibly a tunnel. With Mayo holding on to me...

Maybe hold it. He's probably holding like that onto me. I got my metal, my... I go like, holding it onto you with spoons. It's over to the hole. Do I need athletics for that or can I just do that? You, with your previous athletics check, you are good. Yeah. You are totally fucking good. So we go over to the hole and then we climb into the hole. Okay. Awesome. Yeah. You climb into the hole. You now see at the top of the hole, it looks almost like a slide situation opening up into maybe a bigger area. Okay. I turn to Mayo and at the same time, we say...

FUN SLIDE! And how about this? I'll make it even more fun, Butch! You're gonna cast a Butch? And I squared grease! I cast grease! You grease up the slide! I grease up the slide! Holy shit! And then we jump down onto the slide. Oh my god! Okay! Yeah! Both of you guys, make performance checks. What? Make performance checks as you go down the fun slide.

Yeah, seven. Six.

Okay. Maybe grease was not a good idea. Yeah, you say "fun slide" and you jump in. The tunnel is a little too narrow so you instantly like hit each other's heads against each other. Plus two though, I have eight. That's still not enough. Son of a bitch. You just start like, you're like rolling each other. You start to finally slow down and catch your breath and then you hit the grease and keep going. Okay, this is fucking great. You guys slide right into a cavern.

Um, and you see it's like, like gooey, like sort of molten hot cheese is dripping off the ceiling of this cavern and hitting the ground. You're coming at this shit fast on the fun slide. What do you do? Scream. I mean... It's coming down from up. I mean, you got anything... You got all sorts of spells there, whatever you want to pass down. You got anything to cool that stuff down, maybe? Cool it? I don't know. Maybe turn it into a nice... I can calm us down.

Can cheese be calmed? Only one way to find out! You attempt to suppress strong emotions in a group of people. Of the cheese? What else do you have? You definitely let us last. What if you burnt the cheese? Burn the cheese? Like, make it charred. You know how you can burn cheese and it hardens? You're gonna burn the molten cheese. Okay. Molten cheese so it turns into, like, hardened cheese. Oh! I'll use Mage Hand.

Make a very big hand to umbrella us. No more molten cheese. Mage hand is a really small hand. It's a small hand? It's a small hand. I will let you get advantage on this save, but if you have another spell, maybe that would be better. And if you have anything you want to do as well, Butch. You guys are coming up on this thing quick. Okay. You're both just sliding right into it the way it is. Shit. Why'd I use that? You're going to get maybe a little something. Can I do...

Okay. Would there be any advantage to using magic awareness? Yeah, what does that do? As an action, you can open your awareness to the presence of concentrated magic. Until the end of your next turn, you know the location of any spell or magic item within 60 feet of you that isn't behind total cover. Oh, that's cool. Oh, because you're a wild magic barbarian, right. Yeah, so actually, if you use that, this whole place feels pretty magical.

Oh yeah? But there's little sort of pinpoints and places where it is more fixed. You can tell where the cheese is melting. So both of you guys go ahead and make dexterity saving throws. But you're going to have advantage here. That's a d20? Yeah, it's a d20. 16. 14. 14? Okay. 16 dexterity.

Plus two so 18 18 and you have what do you have a dexterity saving throw? 12 plus 2 14. Okay, cool You have advantage because of this Mage Hand maneuver so just roll one more time see if you get higher. Wait, what are we rolling? Oh, you're not rolling a d20 dude. No, he's been rolling a d10 or d12. No, that's a d20. This is a d20? That's not a d20, that's a d12! No wonder your rolls have been shit man, you don't have all the numbers.

Probably a very long time. Roll the real one! Roll the real one! The d20! This one! This thing! One. No, that's a... That's a seven. That's a seven. Okay, you have advantage. Roll again. Nineteen. That's good. That'll be enough. Uh... Twenty-one.

Neither of you guys take any damage. You managed to ward off some of this melting cheese. I've really been spinning that. Yeah, you've been spinning that. I've seen you do the D20 before. You are putting yourself in a massive handicap. Jesus Christ. And you managed to be able to tell where this cheese is dripping. You guys both make it out unscathed on the fun slide. Wow. Nice. And now you notice that the slide is going down and you see it goes up a little as well.

Uh, you can tell that there is going to be a jump on the fun slide. Fun ramp. A fun slide. Fun ramp. Can I- Can I- Can I use my demon mind's eye? That's not a thing. Okay. Can you use your scope to see if there's somewhere to land? Cool. Uh, go ahead and make a perception check. Nine. Ba-ba-ba. With a nine, you only see- Minus one. Okay, an eight? Um, it's yellow. Why do I keep using this scope? It's all cracked. It's yellow. It's all yellow. Can I also-

There's something I can fucking do. I don't know. You see the outline of a child's hand pressed against the cheese walls? How about this? Because we're in a culinary-related things and I know things about cheeses, can I sort of ascertain, maybe from a distance, what sort of cheese could be of a hard surface that would be suitable for landing on? Yeah, I guess. Via perception. Go ahead and make a survival check because it's kind of using that knowledge. All right, survival check. That's your funeral. Mm-hmm.

15 plus 2. 17? 17. Not bad! Uh, yeah, uh, you are coming up on this ramp and you see, uh, that it is like these sort of crags of like cheddar after the jump. Dubliner!

I recognize that, it's an Irish cheddar. Okay, yeah, you see a couple more- you see almost a cheese board of landing options here. Wow. A smorgasbord. Uh, you wanna go hard or soft? What are you feeling? But you'll be okay. Uh, you can tell that you're gonna make it. I'm looking to land on the Dubliner, I like it. It's very sharp cheese, it's pretty good to have. It's sharp? You don't wanna land on the sharp- it's a- No, sharp at flavor. Okay, it spikes! Sharp at flavor, my friend. Jeez. Okay. Hey, hey, calm down. You sail over the cheeses that are sharp of-

Sharpness and land on the cheese that is sharp of flavor. You're okay. Yeah, um, you guys both sort of tuck and roll here, slow down, and you see... You see a doorway. Just right here at the end of this kind of cavern. Wow! Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay. What do you do? Well, I want to take a rest.

I'd like to, before we go through, take a little bit of a rest as well. Unless this is like a day- I've been at half health for an hour. Yeah, no, I've been- Oh shit. I'm at 20. Perhaps with my culinary expertise, do you think I could maybe- Prepare some cheese. Prepare a cheese board for Mayo and I? So here's the thing, right? Here's the thing about this is that you've used up all your hit die, right? So if you take a short rest, you won't be able to regain HP. But I will let you roll a survival check and try and do something with cheese. Yes. Go for it. See what you get. I'll let you know.

plus two nine yeah you make you make it it looks really good you eat it it doesn't taste like cheese what the is this place actually made of where the are we polyester it's all made of polyester it's all polyester so there's no real way for us to regain health right now uh not with that role not yet we gotta just go through the door yeah you walk towards the door

And you see as a five-foot rat steps out of the side and stops you. He says, "Hey buddy, where you going?" "Where you going?" "Spin the wheel, see if you can make it past here. We're gonna ask you a cheese fact." "You get the cheese fact right, you get a special prize." He takes his potion, sort of swigs it around. "You get the cheese fact wrong, me and my buddies here are gonna shank you with real knives!" You see he's got like friends behind him, like rat friends. They all have

actual real knives. They spin a wheel of cheese fastens and cheese- Jesus Christ! *laughs* Hey, that's a good one! Hey, put that one in the knife! That's a good one. I'm gonna get a couple stows on this guy. Nice! Nice. Okay. Alright. Oh, cheese! No, that was really good!

Hey, fuck off, buddy! Fuck off, buddy. Yeah, fuck off, buddy. No. Uh, okay. I already... The wheel stops spinning and lands... The wheel lands on a little thing... And he reads it. Alright, we got a cheese riddle for you here. What type of cheese is made backwards? What type of cheese is made backwards? What type of cheese is made backwards?

You can talk amongst yourselves. I don't understand. Are you playing fucking Jeopardy music right now?

What type of cheese is made backwards? What type of cheese is made backwards? What does that mean? I have no idea what that means. What type of cheese is made backwards? Made backwards. For me and my friends are going to pasteurize you. And by that I mean stab you with knives. Made backwards. What type of cheese is made backwards? Are we allowed to attack this, Rob? Minute made? You can do anything. Made backwards. Think about it. What kind of cheese is made backwards? Come here.

We can just fucking kill them. So, there's- yeah, you can also- any of your skills you can do, you can try and really do anything here. Jeez. Um, well let's try and answer the riddle first, I mean- Don't be dropping the G word in the middle of the cheese round. Okay, uh- Try and answer the riddle first. Okay, what kind of cheese is made back- you're running out of time, buddy! Why am I running out of- You start sharpening a knife. The hell?

- Brioche? That one's not brioche. - That's a bread. - That's bread. - Can we say blue, I'll say blue cheese. - It's not blue cheese, I was thinking that, but that doesn't make any sense. - You're gonna lock those in? - I'm just locking up blue cheese. - I'm gonna lock my knife in ya. As you answer blue cheese, he's gonna try and stab you. - So our turn was answering blue cheese?

Well, you said blue cheese. You said brioche. I said I was going to say brioche. And you said bread. I said I was going to say brioche. No, you said brioche, but I didn't say it. I didn't lock nothing in. Does a nine hit you? No, it doesn't hit me. Oh, shit. All right, fine. He tries to stab you. It fucking just misses. It just tears through your apron. Can it deflect off of my really strong chiseled abs? Yeah, it hits you. Molded by the meat? The knife squishes back into its... Ah, shit, the knife was cheese. The other one's going to try and stab you. Oh, crap.

Christ, he gets an eight to hit? No. Oh, God. It was edam. It's a type of cheese made backwards. It's edam. Get on out of here, man. It doesn't make sense. It makes sense. It doesn't make sense, man. It makes sense edam is kind of cheese. Oh, my God. Get on out of here. Brioche? What the fuck? I'm just thinking about sandwiches. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm going to try and stab you again. Natural one. He falls on his knife twice. And then we look at each other and we say,

That was fucking weird. Yeah. That was... He must be feeling rather blue after that. And then we walked through the portal. That was fucking great. You guys walked through the portal. And go ahead and fully restore your HP. What? And your spell slots as you get the benefits of a long rest. This is the last party. Okay. All right. In a flash of light, you do a quick sort of...

Flash through the realms again once more. You see the cheese rats. You see another one sort of come to... Okay, all right. You just flash them wide. Flash them wide. Whoa! Yeah, you see the cheese realm again real quick. You see the rats...

just trying to usher off on a cheese stretcher. They're dead boss. Um, go back through the, the, the veggie, the veggie world is just in fucking anarchy. Shit is up in flames. I uprooted their whole society just by posing. And you can see everyone is literally uprooted. People, some people have like, uh, signs saying we are fruits. We will be treated as such. No, that was the other one. Uh,

And then as you keep going, the next is meat. You see as more of these meatballs inside this crevice are like making war-like mechanisms out of the meat. And they have like sort of meat caricature pictures of you guys. - We killed Marvin and Martin.

And again, finally, one last look at the dough room where you just see a little speck of just this really fucking sad sourdough starter. Just like trying to just like convince himself that he means something, man. Oh my God. And in a final flash, you guys are back out on the street and in each of your hands is half of the most perfect sandwich you've ever seen. My goodness. It's here. The sandwich of truth. We have it. It's in our hands. We've done it. We've done it.

Through a test of child, that I feel like I've grown closer to you because of mail. Perhaps... What? Who's that clapping? Uh-oh. Who's that? Well done, Butch. I know that voice. You hear a slow clapping. I know that voice anywhere. You do?

A man steps out of the same road. Don't tell me. You did, an hour ago. Don't tell me. You see an elven man with a spotless... No. No! Red apron. No! A black chef's hat. No! Sharp facial features, slicked back, blonde hair. Oh my goodness. No! He smiles and points at the note you have dangling at your side. I'm so glad you got my order. I can't wait to dig in. Keith...

That's right. I cooked your mom. And now I'm going to cook you. You fucking bastard. And over the sandwich, Butch. Butch, I have no horse in this race. What the fuck is wrong with you? You've been with me this whole way. Of course you have a horse in this race. You are quite the specimen and machine from the war. That's true. I took quite the interest in some of your friends. And he grabs the apron.

Tears it off and you see under it! You see as his stomach has been fully converted into a raging grill and he has a big meat slicer for a chest! He fucking cut up your brothers and made them part of him. Now you got a horse in this race, big boy! I got a horse in this race now!

Let's find the right cut to meet. Fuck you, Keith! Also, I'm racist. Fuck you! You ARE racist! I'm racist, give me the sandwich! He's a fucking racist! I'm fucking racist! Then, uh, roll initiative against Keith.

The final battle. Keith got a nat- Keith got a natural 20 as well. I got a 13. Keith got a 20? Keith got a 20. He's vulnerable, dude. You got a what? I got an 18. You got an 18? Plus your initiative? Plus my initiative. You got a 20 as well! Woah! You are actually gonna go before Keith. I'm ready to go to fucking war with Keith. Okay, Butch, is it 20? You have a what? 13. Okay, cool. 13 for May. Alright. Alright.

You, Butch, are up first. What do you do? Just polish that off. Just like old times, huh? Give me the sandwich. I enter into rage. I'm so racist. I enter into rage. Okay, so, since you are a wild magic barbarian, something we did not do before. When you enter rage, you create a random magical effect around you. So I'm going to need you to go ahead and roll a d6.

We'll see what it does. Six. Okay. Six. On a six, I'm gonna let you know what that does real quick. This fucking guy, I'm telling you, man. This fucking guy, this fucking racist piece of shit. Sent you the letter. Yep. Fucking- and he's racist. He sent me the letter. He's so racist. He was the one who sent us the letter to get the sandwich. Yeah, I know, I know. I'm just realizing that now. I didn't know who it was now. Before, but now I do. Fucking Keith. He points out a name tag. It says "Keith." It's got like a- it's like a little golden name tag. Totally redundant. "RB's employee."

Fuck you, alright? My life's downhill, I need this. On a six, until your rage ends, you are surrounded by multicolored protective lights. You gain a plus one bonus to AC. What's AC? Your armor class, so you now have a 15 to hit. So it's harder to hit. And whenever Mei is within ten feet of you, he also gets a plus one AC. Hey bitch, you're right next to me too. You go into a rage. What do you do now? Ah.

Oh, you would. You would. You're a demon. I don't do that. I fucking... I'm an elf. I fucking... want to... swing my... my flail over my head, and then jump up in the air, and then kick it, and then kick it right in the direction of Keith. Holy fucking shit, that's awesome. Make an attack roll. Okay. Where's my detr- oh here it is. Fucking three. Ooh.

Plus what? Plus what's a hit? Plus, I mean, seven. Oh, that doesn't hit. That doesn't hit. Yeah, he fucking grabs it. And as you see as the metal on it starts to heat up. Oh, yes. That's right. You're going to make a good cut just like your mother.

No! Okay! Jesus Christ. And I'm racist! I'm so racist! Yeah, he's so racist! And he talks about it all the time like he's proud of it! It's very strange! I'm so proud of how racist I- Give me the sandwich. I'm gonna use its power to make everyone racist. No!

Everyone's gonna be living in Keith's racist world! Keith is going to now take his turn. He is going to use, he has multi-attack, he's gonna do one attack on you at first. You see as from his shoulders, little sort of limbs with knives on them, they start dicing and slicing, pop out. He's gonna try and slice you with them.

Oh, that is not gonna hit an eight to hit? No. No, absolutely misses. No shot, Keith. Can I do something to block it? Go for it, yeah. What's he doing again? He has like little like shoulder like mounted things that come out with like little knives on them. They're all slicing and mincing. So while she's doing that, as she's doing that, I'm like going like, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching. I was always better at knives than you, Keith. You were so bad at them, you had to implement them into your body. No offense, Mayo.

"Whoa. Fuck. Who's really racist here?" "There's a reason I gave up on knives and specialized." "I specialized in GRILLING!" And you see, as he says this as well, the grill embedded in his stomach roars with fire, and he's going to try and hit you with a grilled bur- fucking two to hit, Jesus Christ. No, it doesn't- doesn't hit. Seven to hit as this fire lashes out. Maybe I put my things together to block it and deflect the heat off into the air or something like that?

What did you learn in there? I learned something about my- myself. And I look back at Mayo, and I gained a true friend. As a racist, I fucking hate this. Um... Mayo, you are up next now. I've been saving this for a rainy day, butch. I'm casting Dissonant Whispers. Your whisper...

Wisdom.

Uh, fucking shit, Keith. You fucking suck. Uh, he got a two. Oh. Ugh! No! No! No, doesn't- It's all my friends and family telling me that racism is bad! I won't listen to them! I won't! No! Oh, you're about to find out. You're about to take 3d6 psychic damage. No! Keith! They said a racist chef would never make it. Go for it. We're so rolling. Two! 3d6- Oh shit, that's a lot. Okay, two? Okay, awesome. Two. One! One. Okay. No, it takes one more, right? Right, right.

Six! How much is that? Nine total? Okay, okay, okay. What does he hear in his mind?

With these dissonant whispers. He hears the disembodied voice of Martin Luther King Jr. in his famous "I have a dream" speech. Take that, you fucking racist bastard. He's so racist! Oh god! Whoever this man is, he's not canon, but if he was, I'd... Fuck, I'd really rethink my values! Shit! Um... Okay, ordinarily, it would be back to Butch, but Keith...

He's also got a 20, so it's like... Keith is going to take a legendary action. What? And act out of turn here. Keith is actually going to try and wrestle the sandwich from your hands. What? He is going to roll. Okay. I'm going to need you to make a strength check. Add your strength. I believe you have advantage on these as a barbarian. Okay. I think you get advantage as well if you want to go higher.

The roll will mix up. Yep. This Keith is pretty strong. So it's a 20. 20 is gonna beat Keith. Ohhhh nice! It's really close. Keith had an 18. Wow. Jesus Christ. Keith tries to wrestle the sandwich out of you and you just managed to pull it out of his way. No! "No, give me the sandwich! What kind of meat is that in there?"

You'll- you'll- uh, after I'm done- ay- ay- ay you. After I'm done with you, you ain't never gonna eat me again, you fuckin' bastard. You made me eat my mom! You're not gonna make me go vegan. I'm gonna fucking kill you, bitch! You're not gonna make me go vegan. Uh, so now it's back up to you. Okay. I'd like to, uh... I'd like to fuckin'... How far away is Kiku? He's like right up on you. He's five feet. He's within five feet. What's around me?

Okay, yeah. You're in a city street, uh, right now, again, between two delis. Basically, exactly where you left off. There's no more archway behind you, uh, but it's, like, sort of a cobblestone street. Couple benches. You see there's, like, what looks like maybe a homeless man, like, sitting on one of those benches as well, uh, eating something. Um...

What are you looking for in particular? Anything? Is there a streetlight near me? There are, yes. As I described earlier, there are. I would like to take out my flail and hook it under the streetlight and swing around the streetlight and kick Keith in the fucking face. That's fucking awesome. Make an acrobatics check. That's not acrobatics? That is absolutely an acrobatics thing. 12 plus 14. 14? Do you have advantage on acrobatics when you're raging?

Just strength checks and saving throws. Okay, good to know. Alright, a 14. It's not the most elegant thing in the world, but you managed to, yes, swing around. Do you want to go for an unarmed strike on Keith, unless you hit him with something else? Well, can I hit him with something else that I want? Well, no, I'd actually, no, I want to fucking kick him in the face with my boot. Okay, yeah, make an unarmed strike. This guy was cocked. You can roll it again. You can roll it again. He was pretty cocked.

17! Nice! Plus 7? That fucking hits Keith! Plus 6. Well, actually, I don't think I sharpened my boot. I shouldn't. You didn't sharpen your boot. Just plus 6. So 6. So, yeah. So wait, what is it? So it's... How much is that? 23? 23. Damage? No, to hit. Absolutely hits Keith. Oh. How much damage? What's that? Okay, you do 5 bludgeoning on an unarmed. You kick Keith in the face, and he takes 5 damage from it.

Oh! What the fuck? How'd you do that? That was more of a... Fucked up. That was a personal thing. It wasn't even for high damage. Anything else really would have fucking worked. Why? I hope it's not because I'm... racist. Did I at least break his nose? Nah, with 5 damage. No. But you've besmeared his perfect face. Okay. Fuck you. He is now going to... It's gonna be Keith's turn. What?

No, because he had a legendary move. He had a legendary move. Oh. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Keith's turn again. Keith is going to again go for you. This time you see whisks pop out of where his nipples are. They spin around very, very quickly. Not the spinning whisk! It's going to try and shred into you. This is my whisks. You're going to whisk you, you never born. You like that one? Fuck you. That is going to be a 20 to hit. Damn, yeah. Yeah. Make a whisk. Here we go. That's going to do...

Uh, ten slashing damage, but halved because you're in a rage. So five slashing damage. Alright. You don't even know what the sandwich does! I don't need to know what it does. I don't even know what the sandwich does. Just that it needs to be away from you, you fuckin' bastard, bitch-ass fuckin' racist. Fucked up. Oh man. Just gimme the sandwich! Gimme the s- Gimme the sandwich.

I'll stop being racist if you give me the sandwich! Nooo! No! I won't be racist! Mayo! Hit him with the goods! Uh, Mayo, uh... He is also going to go for another, uh, attack. Oh, he can do another attack? Yeah, he's got two attacks. This time you see as from his side, sauces. Pop out. You look like you like these. Yes. I do.

I need to know all the sauces. You're gonna know these ones. And he squirts them out of your face. Shit! Okay, that is gonna be a nine to hit. No. Okay, yeah. He squirts them directly into an open container you have. Fuck! My special racist recipe! Damn it! Goddamn. He's so racist. I'm so racist. It's become a defining characteristic for me. Yeah, it's like sort of an off. Almost all I have. Just a side thing. Mm-hmm.

Off-color comment, really. Swear to because I say minimal racist things, I just talk about how racist I am. Yeah, you never really even say one racist thing. Give me my sauce back and give me that sandwich! No! It's your turn. Butch, what did he mean when he said you don't know what the sandwich does? I don't know what it means, but I think that we gotta keep it away from him and take him down. No, give me the sandwich. I think we take the thoughts from him.

I cast Detect Thoughts. I don't- I believe in T-O-T. I don't believe in T-H-O-T. That's- that's not canon. What do you- What do you know about rolling down in the deep, Mayo? What do you know? I cast Detect Thoughts. What? Really? Does he need to make a save? This is actually a really fucking cool move, by the way. Yeah, this is cool. For the duration.

You can read the thoughts of certain creatures. Do you need to make a save? I do want to know what's going on in Keith's head. When you cast a spell, and as your action on each turn until the spell ends, you can focus your mind on one creature that you can see within 30 feet of you. The creature you choose has an intelligence of 3 or lower, or doesn't speak any language. The creature is unaffected. As racist as Keith is, he does have a higher intelligence than 3. So he is affected.

So he is affected. So what does he need to do? Or do you just get it? Nothing, that's it. I detect it. Wait, let me see that. Let me see that. Because you're about to get a- Rather OP. That's a good card. Okay. That's a good card. Tell us- So tell us what's going on. What's the deal with the sandwich? What's the deal with the sandwich? I need that. I need- You hear him thinking? I need that sandwich. They can't know. They can't know the wish it will give you when you eat it. Whoa! The power it contains. The wish! The wish! The one wish! Unten-

Hey, wait, what the fuck are you guys talking about? What? No! Nothing! No wish! If I could make a wish, it was that all the other races would be gone. You could bring your mom back. Hey, um, it's just a really good sandwich. It doesn't do anything. Well, I wonder what would happen if two people ate it. Okay, that's your action. Next up is gonna be Butch. Butch, put down the sandwich. Okay. You don't know what it does. So, I'm closer to...

You are close to keep. And... Melee is sort of... You're off to the side, I would assume. Strength checks. What does strength involve? Like trying to wrestle something away from someone. Okay. The detect thoughts. Such a fucking... That was so good. And plus... I also actually do plus two melee damage with strength up. In range, yeah. And I have resistance to bludgeoning. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? Piercing and slashing. You don't have to attack him. You can do anything you want. I would like fucking...

Can I like throw my... I'd like to throw my cleavers like in such an angle that they hit the air in such a way where they'll come back around after they slash and come back like boomerangs. You can throw your cleavers. Go ahead and make an attack roll. If you get a natural 20, they come back like boomerangs. Okay. Fine. Fair? Sure. I'm going to throw my cleavers at him. You get a natural... I got 10. Oh, okay. Plus... Something, right? Plus two attacks. Plus seven. Okay.

Plus seven, so seventeen. Okay. Uh, yeah, go ahead and roll damage on those cleavers. They don't come back, but it's pretty cool still. Okay. What do I roll? Oh, a d6. Just one plus all that shit, so you get a lot of shit to pack to it. Oh! One plus, well you add the- and then you add another two. Oh. From your rage. Wait, I actually have plus five. So that's a one plus five plus a six. Eight? So eight damage? That's your rage! You are mad!

I- so plus two after the plus- Yeah. Yeah. So six plus two is eight and I roll again. No, you got one. So you got one. So nine damage? No, plus five. Yep. Plus two. Seven. And you rolled a one. So it's eight. Okay, you do eight damage. Yeah, you throw these cleavers out. Uh, they actually stick into his, like, machinery as well. It starts sparking. No! Oh, God. Oh.

Maybe we should all just get along. Fuck, you hit my racist core! You deactivated my racism! Damn it! Damn it! Take that, racism. Maybe we should all just get along. Fuck! Give me the sandwich! Up next is Keith. Keith is going to use a different move. You see as the deli meat slicer on his chest starts whirring around, spinning, he looks over at you, Mayo. Uh-oh. Let's shave a little off. That is going to be a...

22 to hit. That hits. Okay. That hits hard. Mayo, with the sandwich still in your hand, you are going to take 10 slashing damage. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I'm at half now. Okay. Mayo! Ordinarily, Keith would end his turn here. He's going to use another legendary action.

And he is going to again try and wrestle the sandwich. This time, he's going to run away from you so you can get an opportunity attack. He's going to try and wrestle the sandwich away from you. Can I do an opportunity attack? Yes, so go ahead and roll the hit. Fuck me in the ass. That's a three. That's not going to do it. He runs over to you. No, Mayo, watch out! Mayo, make a strength check as he tries to wrestle the sandwich away from you.

Six... Ooh. These are mincing arms! And he grabs the sandwich away from you! No! And he has it now in his hand. Shit. It's not his turn, but he starts to bring it towards his mouth. Up next, uh, is you, Mayo. He's right next to you. He has the sandwich. Finally. Finally I will be the greatest chef. All thanks to you. Mayo. Mayo, what the fuck are you doing? I cast Bloodiness! No! Yes!

Now he can't see where his- where the sandwich is going! And he doesn't have sonar! And he doesn't have sonar, so he- I just- what do you mean? I just have eyes! I just use them! Constitution saving throw. Yeah, but now you're blind. You're gonna blind him? I'm gonna blind him. 12. No. 14 is the saving. Oh my god. Yeah. You're blind, bitch. You're blind now. Is everything white or black? Black. Then red. Then white.

Is it my turn? Or is that... What's happening? You see as Keith is racist. Next after Mayo is you again. Keith is blind. You can see as his eyes kind of are now fogged over. But he's still... I mean, he still has the sandwich. What do you want to do? I'd like to throw my flail meat hook to grab the sandwich out of his hand. Okay. Go ahead and make a strength check. We're going to contest with Keith.

Three. Heath got a two. No! In a moment of... He doesn't know who's grabbing at him for a second. Who is that? Mom, is that you grabbing? Well, first of all, he tries to eat the sandwich. It's not his turn yet. It's not his turn yet. But yeah, sure. Yeah, sure. He smacks the sandwich into his forehead, goes, fuck, and gets yanked out of his arms by you. You now have the sandwich again. I have the complete sandwich.

You do. You have the complete sandwich. It starts to glow a little. It starts to glow a little. It starts to glow a little. It's now, unless you have a bonus action or movement, it's going to be Keith's turn. Keith is still looking okay. He doesn't know where the sandwich is. He actually doesn't. You're so right. He has no idea where the sandwich is. Hey, who is that sandwich? Say Polo. Say Polo, you have the sandwich. Am I allowed to put it in my little thing? Yeah, it's a bonus action. I'll let you hide it. I mean, I don't have any bonus action.

I'm just saying as a bonus action I will let you roll a stealth check to see if you can hide it very well. Hide the sandwich. Let's see what you got. 18. 18. You hide it pretty well. You hide it in a nice side pocket there. You hide it in the ass pocket. I take a dash five feet backwards. Okay, yeah, you step back. He does not get an opportunity attack because he's over with Mayo. He's blind too. And he's also blind. How long is he blind for? How long does the spell say?

At the end of each turn, the target makes a constitution saving throw. Once it succeeds, it ends. Hey, Keith is up next. Keith is going to go ahead now. Okay, if you have the sandwich, say aye. Say aye if you have the sandwich. You hear, aye. As you see, standing where the doorway used to be is a little meatball. Keith fires off a deli slicer. It's going to be a...

18 to hit. So he goes, yes! And you see as another one of these little meatballs, he's got a little tiny pitchfork. He's like, we finally found it! He just gets cut and fucking dies instantly. That's awesome. That is going to be literally Keith's turn. He's blind. He's going to repeat the con save, though. Natural one. Wow. Doesn't hit.

He's actually more blind now. Oh, everything's black. He's starting to go deaf. He's starting to go, why did someone say something? Shit. Oh, what does meat sound like again? I can't even remember. Whose turn is it? Now it's Mayo's. I'm thinking of shooing that bitch. See, my firebolt only does 1d10 plus. You got some crazy spells in there if I remember right. I do have some crazy spells.

I would have catapulted the sandwich at him. Well, there is a dead meatball. There's a dead meatball. How close is it to him? It's like less than 90 feet. How much does the meatball weigh? Between one and five pounds. Hold on. How much? How less than 90? Is it less than 60? Because this is a range of that 60. That's the range of something you can target. The object flies 90 feet. So you're good. You're okay on range. This is all pretty close proximity.

I'm gonna catapult the meatball. Okay. What? Dexterity saving throw. Dexterity saving throw from Keith, right? Yes. Okay. I can't believe it's finally over! I was just waiting for my time to strike! Go! Fuck! Um... Keith gets a, uh, 21.

Damn. The meatball goes, at least I get to take someone out with me! Keith just steps to the side, the meatball slams against the wall. Yeah. It was all for nothing! Is it? It doesn't work, man. Does he take half damage or anything? No. Okay. Keith is alright. Up next is Butch. Actually, before you go, he is going to take another legendary action. Different this time. This time, you see, is one of these knives. He takes it off that thing, goes down to his grill,

and cuts what looks like a gas line. And he says, "If I can't-" So he says it just like fucking to something, like out there, he's still blind. "If I can't have the sandwich, no one can." And you see as the grill starts to light up as the gas is now leaking into the street. Now tell me where you are so I can run at you! You hear the hiss. You hear the hiss. Like gas. Like gas! Like gas. I'm not farting, this is my final attack! So, what do we do? Uh, it's now your turn. Okay.

I take out the sandwich. Okay. Holy shit. All right. You take out the sandwich. Okay. It has a little bit of a radiant glow. This is the most perfect sandwich you've ever seen. Butch, this is a big moment. What are you going to do? I could bring my mom back with this sandwich. Where are you, Butch? I'll make her a steak again. I'll make her an even fatter steak. I could bring my mom back with this sandwich and I could have a full life again. But to release Keith onto the world and let his racism grow...

Would be too much evil for this world. So racist, I'm gonna find you. So I take a bite out of the sandwich. And I say, and I say, I wish Keith never existed! Holy fucking shit! Roll me right now.

Roll me just a, um, holy shit. Okay. Roll me a d20. On a 10 or higher, this will be a clean wish, and Keith will be gone. On a 10 or lower, this will have repercussions for other things. Fuck me. It's a 5. Is that a 5? Yeah. Okay. That would've been cool. It's, well, so you wish this. You take a bite of the sandwich, and Keith goes, not like this.

Like they say, I need something cool to say. He's kind of like swirling away. You see his form is almost fading. I'm so fucking blind. I don't even know where anyone is. Shit. Butch, where are you? Where are you, Butch? Butch, come to me. Butch? Fuck you, Keith. Oh, shit. Yeah. And he, you see, as his form just twirls into nothingness. And you now start to feel different as well. You...

I feel all of your sort of memories of culinary school and Keith and the competition between you guys starts to kind of fade away. And soon you can't even recall who was just standing in front of you, who Keith was. You find yourself wondering what is going to drive you. You see yourself in culinary school again. It's almost as if you're reliving these moments and you're making meat. Why? Why? You look around. Everyone else is just, there's a dullness in their eyes. And

What's the point if there's no one to compete with? And when you go forward a little more through time and you find yourself now standing here outside with some fucking thing, some robot thing with a trench coat. Well, I still can remember him. How'd you guys meet? What? How'd you guys meet? Oh, he never sent the letter? What? What?

So, as this happens, you forget all that. Mayo, as well, you can't remember who this person next to you is. Why there's a meatball lying on the ground? What you guys are doing? You're like sauces out right now in the middle of the street. What the hell's going on? And, Butch, you have a...

Of course my shitty roll comes to bite me again. Butch, you have a pretty tasty sandwich though. You're still holding it in your hand. You don't really remember much, but you're kind of famished. I take a secondary bite of the sandwich. Do you guys say anything to each other first? I say, hey, what's up? What does Butch want most in the world right now? I wish I had a friend.

This is a fucking wild ride. And as you're thinking that, looking at this strange man next to you, you start to think that maybe you two could be friends. Maybe there's a little something. You even have the inclination that maybe you want to offer him a bite of your sandwich. Would you like a bite of my sandwich, sir? Of whom I've never met before? I don't exactly remember what happened today, but you left me kind of hungry.

What is Mayo right now want most? Okay, he's just devouring this. Big sandwich guy. What does Mayo want? Is this the breakfast club? As you're zooming out, what does he want most? No more lettuce. In the world? Okay. As you say this... That sounds like a pretty good plan. Hey, Butch, what the fuck is lettuce?

And as we zoom out, you see this crunchy bite you have in your mouth? It just gets a little squishier. And you know what? It's fucking good. It's fucking good, dude. Yeah. We cut to somewhere else. We now see that this has turned the tables in the favor of the fruits as the cherry tomatoes overrun the last battalion of the vegetable identifiers. And the war is won. It's now a fruit realm instead of a vegetable realm. We pull out even further from the city.

we see as a new sort of light famine sweeps across the world, as all that is eradicated. And I have one final question for you two. As we draw to a conclusion here, what do these characters do after this? Where do you go?

Did we end up being friends? Pals? Yeah, you're pals. You remember that you're pals. You remember very vague splashes of things that happened. You remember making fun of a doughy guy at some point together. And of course, you remember at the end of all these memories, clasping hands together and joining. And you remember that you both just hate racists. You want to go get a beer? How about...

We get a burger instead. And then I can squirt some of this random sauce that I don't quite recall. Butch, your mother taps on the shoulder and says, oh, can I come?

Sure thing, Mom. And I love you so... You're inviting your mom to get burgers with us? She's a homie. She's a homie. She's a homie? She's kind of a homie. Come on. Okay. Well, only if I could bring my mom. Good thing. Nice to meet you, Mrs. O. You see like an eight foot tall war bot come up behind you? Nice to meet you, Mrs. O. Hello. It's Optimus Prime.

Somehow I birthed this. Hey, I'm glad to have a friend like you. Yeah.

*laughter* Hey guys, you guys! Yeah, man! One fuckin' final time walking off down the street to a nearby tavern we see is in these deli menus. Protein style disappears forever. All buns, baby. All buns. And lettuce is gone. Friendship wins. All brioche. All brioche. All brioche, baby. Pretzel buns, okay, yeah. And as you two walk off,

Into whatever new adventures await you. That is where we will end this session. Yeah, man. All right. That was great. What did you guys think of all that? That was really cool. I mean, we've never played D&D before, so, I mean, that was very, very fun. I was on one episode of Just Roll With It as a big guy. As a big guy. As a big guy. The Christmas episode. Okay. So, you know. Yeah, you seem to have a better understanding of the rules here. No, not at all. Oh.

It was very, very fun though. Yeah, that was good. That was really fucking fun. I mean, would you... I mean, I don't mean to put it on camera or anything, but would you guys do it again? I think I would. I would do it again. Let us know down in the comments. We want to know what you thought of this whole thing. It's very, very different, I know, than what we usually do. If you want Chuckle Dungeon to return and you enjoyed this episode... Possibly maybe a little more Marvin, maybe a little more Butch. A massive...

round of congratulations in the comment to Mr. Charlie who literally put this whole thing together. Oh, shush. He built this whole campaign. You deserve this. Come on. He built literally this whole campaign. He spent all this time. He walked us through the character sheets and everything. He bought us expensive dice. These are expensive. Also, I picked them based on your characters. He's absolutely so passionate about this and it was very, very cool to see him in his element. So,

Yeah, no, let us know what you think down below. Let us know what you think? What? What is it? I guess he's gone. But thanks so much for watching this episode. Why don't you sign us off? How about... You know what? I will. Thank you. Come here.

Thank you, guffaws and chortlers and chucklers for tagging along on our mystical ride. And thank you, of course, to these two who showed up with their characters. And no thanks to Keith.

Fuck you, Keith. Fuck you, Keith. Fuck you, Keith. Thank you guys for letting me do this. You racist asshole, Keith. And if you want more of this, I am going to do my own plug now. Yes. Check out Just Roll With It. We've had Schlatt on at some point, and I'm going to have them on eventually again. Absolutely. I'd love to come on. Yeah. Let us know what you thought of this, and we will chuck you later. Peace out, baby. Keep chuckling. Keep chuckling. Keep chuckling. Don't be racist.