The Bass Pro Shop Incident
01:04:15 Share

This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.

Ted, you know COVID was four years ago at this point? That's, okay, that's fucked up. What a fucked up way. That shouldn't be how it is. It also shouldn't be the first thing you say in the first podcast of 2024. That's like you're beckoning something, a new disease back into the year. Well, no, I'm just saying how long it's been. I feel like we teleported through time. Like, I feel like the 2020 to what? 2020, pretty much it was like 2020 happened and then it was like,

Okay, we're in 2022 now. Yeah. And now we're in 2024. Yeah. And I'm done keeping score. And a little bit of rhyming. And a little bit of rhyming. A little bit of dining. A little bit of grimy. A little bit of man on man 69ing. Ooh.

Ted, you know what a lot of people want to do when they get to the new year, when that new year rolls around? Thank you for the snaps. I appreciate that. You're welcome, because it's poetry. Because it's like a college slam poetry session. That's exactly what I was implying with that. Yeah, no, we're doing an open mic now. Keep going, man. A lot of people say, a lot of people say, when the year rolls around, the new year rolls around, they say, I want to stop drinking. Dry January. Yeah. Are you doing dry January? That's what they say. Yes, yes, I am. And you know what? No way. It is going poorly.

Audio listeners love you to death. First of the year. I took a good old swig of a bottle that's possibly water if he's not. That's the nectar of the gods, brother. That's some Benedictine. I thought it was Hennessy at first. That's not Henny.

This is better than Henny. What is that? Is that a... That's a whiskey or something? It is literally the nectar of the gods. Oh, my God. It's brewed by a bunch of monks in the Alps. Oh. And that's all you need to know. Have you ever seen the videos of the monks who were getting kicked in the balls? What? Yeah. No, you ever seen the monk ball kicking? Why would God make them do that? Well, where do you think the nectar comes from, Schlein? Are you telling me? Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich.

Welcome everyone to the first episode of the new year of chuckle sandwich. We're back. We're weren't stopping We took a little bit of a break, but we're back and slash running into the new year We're renting into the new year. We're getting we're getting new splits. How how that's me this Ted how? Many homeless people are you going to learn to their deaths in 2024?

Depends on what your definition of luring is, but I mean, if we're going the classic schlatt function where you lure them to death with a can of baked beans, probably plenty. Probably plenty. Do you remember when you said that? Yes. And you know who said that first? Who?

Mr. Sark. Oh, you gotta be kidding me. No, no, no. Yeah, it was an episode of Inbox. Dude, I heard it 20 times in my ear every time I'd be working in the freezer. I could just repeat half of that show by heart. And you know what? Let me tell you something. You didn't even admit that that one was like that. I've spent the last like two years since that video has been out thinking that that was just off the cuff. Schlapp. Yeah. No, that's hilarious.

Damn, what would you say the percentage of things that you have said that are that are Sark things have come out of your mouth? What really put me at ease was when he said it's just like, you know, you're referencing a favorite movie or something, you know, because that's

That's kind of what it is to me. Like I'm not a movie guy It is a good a good point and also we you essentially got his blessing for the rest of time to just just You're probably going into the backlogs like you gotta pay someone to get some Transcripts and just start piecing through and highlighting new things you can grab. Well, dude if Depending on how far you go back. You probably can't say most of it these days

these days yeah yeah I will say I mean I think that you know maybe there were even stuff that he said on the pod that we didn't even include so you know you want to know he's of a different time he's of a different time but we love him we love him and it's also some of the things they were funny I mean they were funny I mean I mean

I mean, come on. Unequivocally funny. I'm actually drunk already. Yeah, that's what I hope. That's what I hope. I want you to be drunk. It's crazy because this is 40%. It's like the same level of alcohol as whiskey. Yeah. I feel like you're the kind of person that would succumb so quickly to a CIA interrogation because... Why? Because the truth serum that they give you... Have you ever heard of this truth serum? The truth serum?

Look up some truth serum. See if it's real. But I'm pretty sure it's like it's a thing and you do it on people and then it's like it's the effects are similar to getting drunk. What do we got here? It's a colloquial name for any range of psychoactive drugs used in effort to obtain information from subjects who are unable to and willing to private. Otherwise, yeah. Okay. So maybe not totally relevant.

reliable it seems like it might be implying but uh i feel like they they they don't even need to like put a syringe in you like they hand you a bottle of what is whatever this is the nectar of the gods some of that some of that uh some of that monk serum as as we like to call it monk juice a little bit a little bit cheeky little monk juice and you're gonna be you're gonna be giving all the country secrets away

Oh, a little bit of that. Yeah. Boom. A little bit of bite. What would you say is drinking your greatest vice? Would you say? Oh, surely. Surely. I don't think a day passed where I didn't drink.

Here's a question I have for you actually, speaking of going into the new year and stuff because I know one of your other vices and it's Wagyu. You talk very frequently about this olive Wagyu that you have in your fridge. The question that Tucker and I have actually been wondering, well, hold on. A question that Tucker and I actually have questioned between each other is one,

Is that the same Wagyu that you reference every time? Is it the same cut? And have you ever actually put it on the grill and made it? Because I feel like you keep referencing it and it sounds like you're talking about the same piece of Wagyu every time. Well, let me tell you something, Ted. There is a Olive A5 ribeye.

Oh, we know. We know. Well, you ask for the cut. I'm telling you, that's what the cut is. It stays in my freezer. And it's like my carrot on a stick. You know, Minecraft, you sit on a pig with the saddle and you dangle the little carrot in front of it. Oh, I'm familiar. Just goes forward. Yeah. Just like walks forward. Like, that's my carrot. Who's the pig, though? Who are you leading? Me. You're leading yourself. So the notion of having a...

An eight-ounce olive Wagyu ribeye in your fridge is... Eight. Didn't you say eight ounce? Way more than eight. No. Why'd you lie? A5, I said. I said A5. That's the marbling rating. Oh, well, how many ounces is it? How many ounces? I don't know. It's a big fucking ribeye. I don't know. Could be, okay. Could be 24 or something like that. I didn't weigh it. I didn't weigh it. But...

The wagyu is the foundation of all of your motivation right now. Like that's what gets you through life. Because I'll say, I'll say like, oh, you know, like if I do really good work today, I'll maybe I'll get the cast iron out and I'll, I'll heat it up. Or at the very least get to look at it. Or just look at it. Sometimes I'll just open up the freezer and go.

I like to imagine that it's just that in there. You open up the freezer and it's just sitting in the middle there and it's just laying there and it's like there's an angelic glow like when they open up a treasure chest in a pirate movie or something like that. Dude, it's like the new jelly fishing rod in Spongebob where he just looks over it like...

Yeah, that is that's how I motivate myself. You know, that's good. If I didn't have that, I'd probably completely succumb to the drinking problem. Yeah, just end it all. Right. But I was I didn't even think about I didn't even think about a dry January or anything like you didn't. It didn't even cross your mind. Like it wasn't even the fact you you start you're scoffing at the fact that other people are even trying to do it.

I'll tell you one thing. I recently promoted on my story. I don't know if you saw this, but... I saw it. I did see it. Miller Lite did sort of a gimmick dry January product. And I guess they're doing a second drop. By the time this episode comes out, it'll probably be sold out again. But it's these Miller Lite beer mints. And I remember when they hit me up about it, I was like, that is the funniest thing that I've ever heard. Beer flavored mints? Yeah. And it's like, they're like...

They're not bad. Like they're, they are, they're actually good when you have them. They're like kind of, I, it's weird like how to explain the flavor. Cause it's not like you're just, it's not like a wet beer flavor necessarily. It's like, it's kind of like a, there's a little bit of hoppiness and it's like, there's a bit of a cinnamony flavor to it. And then it's also the mint flavor. But it's,

When you say it's good, when you say it's good, do you mean it's, it tastes like beer in that it's good or that it actually tastes good? Like I can see where they're coming from, where the, it having the, the notion of, of like a beer flavor to it. But like, I don't think that they would have gotten away with making it taste like, like straight up.

- Yeah. - But I wouldn't have brought this up to talk about if I didn't actually like it because, you know, - Yeah, that's fair. - 'Cause it's a brand thing that I was doing, but like, you know, it's actually good. Actually, I have like a tin, I got a couple tins at my place too. - I remember what preceded this when I opened up your story. - Yeah. - You had sent a snap to your close friends. - Yeah.

saying guys just want to let you know I'm about to do an ad for beer yeah so for context I basically I have a close friend story on my Instagram that is I recently started using my close friend story as kind of like what my Instagram story used to be before I had like

600,000 followers on Instagram. So I've started like using that as like, so I have all the people that I personally know on my close friends. So for the people, cause it used to, but my Instagram account, it used to be just like my Instagram account when I was like in high school and college and stuff. Um, so I posted a story and I was like, guys, listen, cause I haven't done an Instagram ad since like fucking, I don't know, 20 fucking 19 or something like that. So I was like, guys, I'm doing an ad.

Just so you know, don't be alarmed. I'm not kidnapped or something. I'm glad that you saw that. Because it was like, you know, because it's like if you got people from your hometowns and stuff that are watching your Instagram stories, I don't want them to be like, what the fuck is this? What's this guy doing? I imagine the whiplash of someone who you went to high school with who hasn't really kept up with you at all. And just randomly seeing me doing Miller Lite. Just opening you up.

And you seeing the fucking beer mints and going, is that Teddy Niv? Like, what the fuck is he doing a beer ad for? That's funny that you called me Teddy Niv, too, because when I was in high school or no, not even high school. When I was in elementary school, I used to go by Teddy when I was younger. Yeah, Teddy. I never went by Theo, though, but I'm trying to bring that. I'm trying to.

I'm trying to add that to my repertoire. Sometimes I introduce myself to people as Theo. No, no, no, you don't. No, you don't. You don't do that. Excuse me? Tucker's shaking his head too. No, because that was just... What do you mean? What's wrong with it? Okay, maybe I'll start introducing myself as Theodore to people. No, no. That's my name. That's my legal... Even worse. That's my God-given name.

don't even worse i'm making a resolution for you okay this is an intervention now this episode of the podcast just became an intervention okay okay well we're gonna we're gonna we're gonna resolve to not ever introduce ourselves as theo wait hold on hold on back up back up but pretend you guys just walked in the room i'll be like what are you guys all doing here it's all it's everyone tucker schlatt what are you guys doing here

Ted, there's a lot of talk. What do you mean? There's a lot of talk. What's going on? Your friends, your family. It's hard. And also, can I just say, Tucker? I actually prefer to go by Theo now, Tucker. So maybe if you could help me best. All right. Let me stop you right there. It's funny. It's funny you say that, Ted. Ted?

This isn't an easy thing for us to be talking about. That's part of the problem. What do you mean? You don't like me? It kind of rolls off the tongue well, doesn't it? We're going to be honest with you, buddy. It's hard. It's hard. It really is. But we do this because we love you, okay?

I thought if you guys loved me, you'd maybe support my fucking ideas. And I thought that maybe it's one of my names. It's an option. Theodore. Stop talking. Stop. Stop it. You're offending people. You're done with Theo. Your mother called me. Lisa calls me up. Lisa called you? She says you have to talk to him. You have to. She said, my Teddy. My Teddy. He thinks he's named something else. He thinks he's Theo, Theodore.

When I think of the name Theo Ted, I think of Theo Joe, the YouTuber who used to make fake technology tutorials on YouTube. I don't want that. Downloading more RAM. Well, I don't want to download more RAM. And you know, it's just not who I see when I think of Ted. When I think of Teddy, you know. Fine, I'll go to therapy. Fine. Maybe that, honestly. I'll go to therapy. That might benefit you a little bit. That might benefit you.

Hey, it's Kaylee Cuoco for Priceline. Ready to go to your happy place for a happy price? Well, why didn't you say so? Just download the Priceline app right now and save up to 60% on hotels. So whether it's Cousin Kevin's kazoo concert in Kansas City, go Kevin! Or Becky's bachelorette bash in Bermuda, you never have to miss a trip ever again. So download the Priceline app today. Your savings are waiting. ♪ Go to your happy place for a happy price ♪

I will say one thing, actually. This year I've been, because I've tried therapy in the past. We're out of the intervention now. I've tried therapy in the past, but I've been trying to do it a little bit more this year. And I have a very interesting story about my first experience with a therapist because I did it.

And I got matched with this therapist. And I was like not, this was like a week ago. And I was like not feeling very good. I was stressing over stuff. I was not feeling emotionally at my peak. Can I add just a snippet for that? What? I knew Ted was upset because we were in Florida and Ted texts me. He's like, hey man, I miss you.

I was like, what? Like, is Ted in the bathroom floor? No, honestly, I think when I texted you that, it was just because I missed you. Because we usually talk every day. So, like, I hadn't, and we hadn't spoken in, like, four days, which was, like,

It's weird. It did. We have a different time zone. Because I can go two, three weeks without talking to a lot of my friends. But if Tucker and I go more than three days, it's like, what the fuck? Where is he? Is he dead? Is he dead? But yeah, no, I get in this call with this therapist guy. And, you know...

um i i don't fully know how to talk about the intro with a therapist like i don't like i don't know what the like how you initially get to know each other but it basically a cold open yeah yeah you say hi i'm theo theodore but basically you know the call starts and it's a it's a the through the internet so it's just like on a on a like a voice call uh or a video call and it's like

Things already start off bad because the guy, it's like shitty webcam and his face is in the lower third of the frame. And I'm like, okay, okay. I already know from the get-go we're going to have a little bit less to relate about than I probably thought of beforehand. And he's like an older guy and it doesn't seem like he knows what's going on. He's like, hey, how's it going, Ted? And I'm like, hey, hey, how's it going? And I'm on the same setup right here. I'm in this same room, microphone, camera and all that. And he's like, he's like...

He's like, oh, so what do you... You got quite the nice setup there. I'm like, yeah, yeah, no, this is my work setup. This is my office. And then he starts getting a little shifty and weird. And he's like, so what are you looking for from this? And I'm like...

Um, I, you know, like therapy, I guess I, you know, I'm, I'm not like, I'm not feeling really good. Like I'm just looking for therapy and I want to talk about my feelings or whatever. Um, and then he's like, ask me some follow-up questions and the whole back and forth. But I said, something's weird until the guy says to me, um, listen, I don't, I don't want you playing any games with me.

And I'm like, yeah, I'm like, what? And I'm like, what? And I'm a little bit confused because I'm like, this guy just seems like he doesn't think that I'm serious about or like that I didn't like prepare beforehand or something like that. I was really confused. Do you think you were going to make a video? So hold on. I'm like asking him back and forth. And then he's like, he's basically like,

I don't want to deal with any of this. I think that you're going to have to find this somewhere else. So have a good day. And I'm like asking him for clarification. I'm like, well, what did I, is it how I answered that I want therapy? Like, I'm sorry that I've never, I don't really know how to talk about it. And he's like, he refuses to elaborate. He's like, nope, have a good day. Bloop.

Call ends. I sit there, black mirror. I'm just looking at myself in the black mirror of my fucking computer screen. And I'm feeling shitty at the time. So I'm like, what the fuck? What a terrible way to start. It was like 10 a.m. in the morning. I'm like, man, that's actually really lame. So I think and Tucker, you were onto it at that point. I think the guy was like technology phobic or something because he was like,

by the fact that I had like a nice camera and a nice microphone. So I think he thought it was like a setup. And I was like,

Like I was getting clocked for having too nice of a setup because this guy probably didn't know that anything beyond his fucking FaceTime with his head peeking out from the lower end of the fucking thing frame worked. It was the weirdest, weirdest thing ever. I got like matched with like a new therapist and he's been like, he's been good so far. I've like, I've got, you know, but that guy, it was like weird. It was probably the weirdest thing.

therapy like just general health care kind of thing that i've ever had that's got to be the worst first impression to therapy ever yeah well i've done a little bit as bad as it gets yeah yeah yeah i'm glad it wasn't like my my my like very first like impression of it but like if i was someone who was trying to get into therapy and i came in there i would have been like

I would've been like, oh, so this is all a fucking scam. - Yeah, I'm paying how much for this? - I'm paying how much for this and the guy just like decides that he doesn't want it. He's like, he was like, no, I'm fine, bye. I'm like, dude, I'm struggling right now. I scheduled this with you.

That's awesome. Dude, man, you can talk to me whenever. I'm here. Yeah, I'm going to give that a hard pass. I'm going to give that a hard pass because you know what you're going to say? What? In a genuine way, I know that you're – but I'll tell you what Schlatt would say. Schlatt's going to be like, nah, man, drink.

Got to grab that bottle, man. You got to find the closest liquor store. You know, you feeling nervous? There's a quick way to stop that. There's a really quick way. I mean, like one sip or two in and then all of a sudden. Every time I'm feeling sad, I like to go to what I call Schlattland. And I get there with my magic wand. Holds up a bottle of fucking cognac. My secret elixir. My secret elixir. Like you're a wizard.

I'm going to be honest with you. The most useful thing my therapist a couple of years ago ever did for me was tell me a quote by Theodore Roosevelt. Oh, so he gets to get called Theodore, huh? He gets to rock with that? You don't think I can speak softly and carry a big stick? You don't think I can do that? When you're a fucking president, people can call you whatever they want. My middle name is Kennedy? It is? Yes.

That's just because your dad's got a hell of an ego. No. No. You think my dad was like, got out of the womb, was like, I think I'm going to have my middle name be Kennedy. Like, it's not like he gave it to himself. Yeah, I do think that. You're talking about my grandpa right now. He'd carry his middle name over to you? Yeah. If I said my first and last name, I would be Ted Kennedy. Ted Kennedy. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So maybe think twice about my presidential, you know, maybe, maybe on the 2036 ballot, you might be seeing someone real familiar.

Real familiar. And he's going to have some crazy policies, including leading old people away with baked beans. That's going to be my solution. The homeless problem is I'm going to say, we got to get some Heinz in there. We got to get some smoked, some of the nice stuff, some of that, not the signature select bullshit, like not even Heinz actually. We got to get that kind of shit that looks like it was made in a fucking barn.

corner smoky room in a you know you know fucking just by two monks just by two monks in the mountains two monks in the mountains of texas yeah two monks in the mountains only they know the recipe too and they worship god while they're doing it yeah uh i gotta say ted kennedy extremely strong name

Right? Powerful. I mean, dude, if you were... If I didn't have a last name that nobody knows how to pronounce, you know, I'd be rocking pretty well. Oh, dude, that's Ted Kennedy. Fuck, that rolls off the tongue, dude. Tucker is like having a moment here. Fucking Ted Kennedy. But you're not.

I'm not. You're right. Oh, what was the what was the quote, though, before we move on? Oh, the man in the arena. It's a very long quote that he gave during a speech. It's basically to the extent of why do you care what other people say and think when they're not the ones who can do what you do?

They're not the ones who toil greatly and see great failure and great success. I like that. And that's a word that we don't use very often anymore that I think we ought to bring back. Toiling. You knew exactly what I was talking about, too. That was a long sentence and you knew exactly what part of the sentence I was talking about, Schlatt. Yeah. Toil. How about this? How about this? Where is the full quote?

Ah, here we go. Love this thing. Love this thing. And think about like a Theodore saying it with like funny circular glasses and a big stick. Uh-huh.

Dude, that's me. You're talking about me right now. I've got funny circular glasses. You're talking about me right now. Ted, it is not the critic who counts. Not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. Okay. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena. Whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood. Who strives valiantly. Who errs.

who comes short again and again because there is no effort without error and shortcoming. But who, what? You said who comes short, so I said premature ejaculation. But who does actually strive to do the deeds?

Never. Wow.

Cold and timid souls. That's a hard line right there. That's bars. You know what? I think of that and I just see, oh, well, that's Twitter. Well, that's the YouTube comment section. Well, that's anybody who throws those fucking stones. You know what I got to do? I got to get on Cameo and I got to get one year for Tucker's birthday. I got him some...

a cameo from Jeff Steinser, I think. He's the voice of the, from Halo, like, overkill. Oh, yeah. Like, he's that voice. And I had him say some, like, lines from our friend group. I got to get him to say, to read that off and make my alarm in the morning and be like...

That'd be crazy. I'd be waking up and get a little... Get some fucking Halo music under it too. That'd be... That'd go hard. That quote goes so unbelievably hard. It's crazy. That's a good quote. I came back from that therapy session and I printed it out and I stuck it right above my monitor and it stayed there until...

I upgraded to a carved wooden plaque of it. Dude, that's fucking nice. I like that. I like that. Wait, what was that quote? I'm just looking up for myself. Just search up the man in the arena. Tucker, just to have. I'm going to visit Tucker next time. It's going to be like different plaques. I'll look at his bathroom. It's going to be like marble on the floor with it etched in. But yeah, I found this quote. I just really felt it. Dude, can I say something? Yeah.

Yeah, of course. If you do cameo, can you please do it as Ted Kennedy? Like impersonating Ted Kennedy or just like having my name, my display name? I don't even know who Ted Kennedy... I don't know. Was that a real person? Yeah, no. It was like a politician, like the brother of John F. Kennedy, I think. Yeah, no. The whole Kennedy family is like...

Whole Kennedy family is a bunch of politicians. It was actually a Kennedy running for governor in Massachusetts semi-recently. Robert, I think. There's one running for president right now. Yeah, I think it's Robert Kennedy. Robert. I don't think that that one, I don't know if that one's related. Is he related to the Kennedys? I'm thinking of a different Kennedy. Look up Kennedy election Massachusetts and it should be a different guy.

I'm just saying, man, I hear Ted Kennedy and that's just one of the strongest stalwart names I've ever heard. That's a name you see on Snapchat on the Discover section and you're like, fuck.

That's a really strong name, you know? Are you related to the Kennedys? I'm going to go on Snapchat, Ted. Okay. I'm on Snap. I'm on Snap. Okay. On my Snapchat, Jay Shlatt, which is blowing up over the past couple days. Blowing up. I'm going to scroll to my Discover section and I'm going to read out. I'm going to just scroll through all the people who are promoted on this app and read out some of the names I see. And you will agree with me, one...

Wow, they are. Are you trying to get me on Snapchat? I'm just saying if you joined as Ted Kennedy, you would be among the ranks of, and I'm just scrolling right now, Gavin Magnus, Jenny Sinatra. Oh, these are the, man, he looks crazy. Joe Shulk.

You don't think that Ted Nevison has enough oomph to it? I gotta have like a Skyrim last name like Magnus? Ted Kennedy, dude. Nick Hooks. H-O-O-X. Are you kidding me? That's awesome. That's fucking awesome. Bryce Boos.

That's a little silly. Come on. B-U-S-E. That sounds like he's, that sounds like he's like, that sounds something like inappropriate. Like Bryce Boos. Like Bryce Boos? Bryce Boos. Oh, he's a cutie. He's a cutie. How about this? How about this? Got that TikTok look to him. Carter Kinch.

Some of these names, it's just like, fuck, like it just rolls off the tongue. It sounds like something that happens to your asshole or something when something goes wrong. Like, oh, I got a kinch right now. I got a nasty kinch right now. I'm just saying it just feels like some of these people were born for it. It looks like he's having a kinch in that photo. Just kidding.

Just feels like some of these people were born for it. You know, like you'll see a name. You're like, what? What? What? What's what's a girl doing being named Reagan? Reagan or Reagan? Reagan, whatever. That's got to be an influencer right there. Yeah. They wouldn't name a girl. They wouldn't name anyone Reagan unless they were they were growing her in a test tube.

throwing her in a teft trying to trying to trying to trying to grow some extra arms on her or something post your Reagan did you post your stories today yes good good oh they're growing to be an influencer yeah yeah Reagan is like that's a rich kid name though yeah you know what I mean definitely definitely what are other rich kid names because there's like ones that are like okay that's old money like like

Like, I don't know, fucking Bartholomew or something like that. But, you know, there's like the new age. What? James? No, that's a working man's name. What are you talking about? James? James. That's like one of... James. J-A-M-E-S, you're saying, is a rich kid name? That's like one of the most common names in the world. And you're saying that all those people are fucking rolling in it? Yeah. Yeah.

Something like Henry feels rich to me because there's been so many kings. Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, I can't say yes to that and then say no to Tucker St. James, though, based on the king line. But there's so many shitty Jameses, you know, like you. Listen to this right now. Fucking dweeb. We're watching you, James.

We're watching you. James, how dare you come to this place? James. This is a working man's podcast, James. Listen to this with your fucking AirPods in. Fuck you. Oh, no, no. AirPod Maxes. He's wearing AirPod Maxes right now. Oh, the Maxes, of course. Wow. What a fucking loser. Dude, I know Reagan's posting about her AirPod Max gym workout because she wears fucking thousand dollar heaviest fuck headphones at the gym. Walking around in your Lululemon. Even though they're totally not comfortable and not waterproof.

Yeah. Not waterproofing. And you're also not, you're doing shitty, not productive sets either. Exactly. Not even doing super sets. And you're not even putting the weights back because you're like, oh, someone will do it for me. No. Not even putting the weights back. You're supposed to put the weights, re-rack your weights, Reagan. Reagan. I'll tell you who'd put the weights back. Gavin Magnus. Magnus. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, he would. Gavin Magnus? That can't be his real name. He sounds kind of like...

He looks like Timmy Turner from The Fairly Oddparents if he got dropped in. I'm sure he's a nice kid, but he looks like Timmy Turner if he got dropped in that shit that the Joker fell in in the comics. He's definitely not a nice kid.

I'm just, just in case, just in case he's listening. You're so sure. You're so sure he's a piece of shit. He couldn't even keep that in. He had to be like, no, no, this guy's an asshole. Okay. Are you kidding me? Okay. I'm convinced. No, no, no. Sorry, Gavin. Sorry, Gavin. Gavin looks like he's, he has a song, you know, Gavin's a rich name. Is it?

Gavin, I feel like, is some southern bullshit. Well, I thought it was more like English. Gavin McGraw. That's a singer. That's a singer, Gavin McGraw. Is it? Really? Yeah, it is. Look up Gavin McGraw. That's fucking crazy. I think it's because you know the artist. Maybe. Yeah, Gavin McGraw, I guess. Gavin McGraw.

Okay, just because he has a boiler cap on doesn't mean he's like fucking or that's not a boiler cap or whatever, a newsies cap or whatever. Oh, geez. Ted, I'm saying you were blessed with the opportunity of one of the strongest names ever. But

But it would be fake, it wouldn't be real. It wouldn't be real. It's on your fucking birth document. I'm not like one, yeah, but then I'm skipping out on the last name. I will say that if I throw in the junior on there, it makes everything, because I'm a junior too, you know that. Ted Kennedy Jr. Yes. That's a president. Oh my God. Yeah, yeah. Why not? Okay, but why can't- Ted Kennedy Jr.,

Get the fuck out of here. Why can't Theodore Kennedy Nivison Jr. work as the presidential name? This seems like you kind of have it out for my last name specifically. I'm just saying, man. I'm just saying. Like, I am either really lucky that I made it big calling myself Schlatt because that's just the ugliest fucking name of all time. All right?

Yeah, but then it's so memeable though, you know? I know, I know. And I'll tell you one thing. I've been calling you Schlag since like 2018. That's true. We didn't know each other then. Since 2019. I had no idea who you were then. Since 2019. That's fair. No, we've known each other since 2018, late 2018. Really? Yeah. No. No. No. No, definitely not.

Are you sure? I guess. You know what? Yeah. You're right. Sorry. You're right. 2019. 2019. Okay. I yield. I yield. Yeah. Yeah.

- Oh, geez. Yeah, but back on the podcast now. I mean, geez, look at us. - Look at us. Ted, what's your resolution? - I was actually, I was gonna ask you the same question. That's crazy. We're synced up right now. - We're on a fucking podcast right now. We're two white dudes on a podcast. - Two white dudes on a podcast. - Fucking producer's another white dude. - He's also a white dude.

He's the whitest of all, too. That's right, baby. Can't help it. He's a cute little cherub, though. I'll tell you what my resolution is. I've actually got them all. I'll tell you one thing. I've got them all written on the wall, and they're just... I think, okay, in a very real way, one of my big ones is to invest more in my friendships.

Hey. Yeah. I thought you were going to say invest in the S&P. Tucker, 100. Yeah, that's what I thought he was going to say. That would have been a good one. Well, I actually do recently started having investments. I got a financial advisor, which is good. But like my online friends, I feel like I'm pretty well connected to. And Tucker, I talk to you all the time. But my people in person, I feel like I never get out of my apartment. Or at least the last year, I felt like I didn't.

So this year I'm trying to get out more and do more things and like get up to more activities because I'll like shut myself away for like a week. And there's so much to do in the city that I live in that I'm like, what the fuck am I doing? So I'm looking for enrichment. I'm looking to enrich my life a little bit more. Maybe travel a little bit. Travel just for fun.

No. Yeah. Maybe go to Spain. Meet some hot Spanish chicks. Go to Ibiza. Nah, dude. They all have lists. Do some Molly. I don't know.

Maybe I'm going to do Molly this year. What do you think of that? They're all dirty up there. Don't do Molly. Why not? Why can't I? It's 2024. Go to the liquor store, get a bottle of Benedictine and shut up. Drop some Molly in the Benedictine. Now it's the nectar of the gods because you will be feeling like you're in heaven. Okay. That went hard. Thank you. Thank you. It's interesting that you're drawing the line at Molly though. I don't fuck with drugs. Okay.

Alcohol is a drug. There's only one drug Jesus touched and created in the Bible, in the Gospels, and that was water to wine, a.k.a. alcohol, a.k.a. Benedictine in my throat. Benedictine, glug, glug, glug. I'm getting closer to Jesus. Glug, glug, glug. It's time. Yeah. And you know what? That's why I stick to that. And it's totally not because weed is still illegal in Texas for whatever reason.

You could grow the fuck out of that over here. Yeah. Yeah. It is. It's, it's legal in New York city. Now I've noticed I was in New York city recently and I was walking, but not the state of New York. I don't think just in LA in New York state. Wait, I'm totally wrong. Went to a dispensary with Tucker in New York. Um, but I was a little bit confused cause I was like walking through New York city and I was seeing the dispensaries and I was like, did this happen? When did this happen?

But then also, I don't know. I'm confused on what's been legal. Yeah, I guess so. But there's still going to be people who are scammed by those fucking weed trucks that sell you like CBD oil with nothing in it. Wait, weed trucks? What are these? Oh, yeah. The weed trucks in New York City. Like an ice cream truck for weed?

Yeah, they'll have a big like marijuana leaf on it and they'll just drive around New York City and be like, yo, we're selling weed. And then everyone's like, fuck yeah, dude. It's got to be a tourist trap thing. It's just like some shitty little oil. Yeah. Yeah. It's for all the Texans.

yeah yeah for all the texans visiting new york city where they're like i'm gonna get some weed wow weed's legal here yeah they did they do the oil they're like dude i think i'm i think i'm overdosing right now dude i think i'm way too high i got everything i got this i got this spins dude i got those spins that's funny

Dude, what's your resolution though, Sean? Sean, what's your resolution? So I have two for you. Okay. The first one, take it at face value or don't take it at face value. I'd like to improve my relationship with the God. Okay. The God. The God. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And second- The Almighty. The Almighty. The Holy Spirit. Jesus. And the second one, which I do want you to take at face value, I'd like to-

Only start something new if it's more so out of enjoyment and fulfillment rather than just growth and money because I got plenty of that.

That's a pretty good one. I think that that's a good one for you because you have a tendency to, you like starting projects. I start shit. I'm a planner. You love starting projects, dude. Dude, I enjoy planning a vacation out in like a Google spreadsheet just as much as I do actually being there. Wow.

- Wow, that is insane how different that is than like the way my brain works. 'Cause like I am just not an itinerary guy. Tucker can attest to this when we go on our road trips. It's just drive and figure out where we're staying two hours before we figure it out. Sometimes sleeping in the car.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, dude, I, I'm a, I'm a big planner. I love thinking about stuff and starting new things. The idea of something new kind of, kind of gets me going. But, uh, I think at this point I've, I've, I've learned so many lessons from starting shit. Right. Like last year there was the ditch flat wind podcast that went for seven, uh,

with an eighth encore two months later. Right. I never came on either. It would have been funny if I came on. Honestly, it would have just been a separate episode of Chuckle Sandwich that insisted on a different podcast. I know. But I mean, I thought I was into that for a while, but then I realized, oh, I guess...

I don't know. Maybe I was just hyped about it, but not actually. You were pretty hyped. I don't know. I was hyped. I was. Well, wasn't it? It was. I think that what, you know, and you can take, you can. I think maybe you need an assistant. Like a hot babe? Could be a babe. Could be a Jessica Rabbit if you want. Like a big titted. I suppose. Maybe goth. It could do, you know, could be big. Gotta be goth.

Maybe a goth mommy assistant. Yeah. And I wake up and she slaps me and she says to me, here's what you're doing today. And I say, yes. Thank you. You wake up in handcuffs and she's like, you want me to unlock these? Yeah.

Promise me you'll do your work. No, but in a real way, though, I think that that could be because you like to start your projects, but maybe like the there's an overwhelming aspect of all of them, you know? So maybe maybe it's valuable to, I don't know, have someone. That's what I'm doing this year because a lot of people I know have assistants that help with. Oh, you're going to get a big-titted fat-ass goth? Maybe. Maybe. I don't know, man. Come on. Like, maybe.

But I think to live in.

Perhaps. But I don't know. I've talked to some people in our space who have assistants that help them with the administrative stuff and just getting like the... Because a lot of... What we do is like if you want to scale it, it's like it can be a lot of like stuff to keep track of at once. So I think it might actually be valuable for me, but we'll see. I've never had an assistant before or anything. I've mostly done everything myself. So it's like, you know...

With the exception of like with Chuckle, it's like we brought Tucker on that helped us with the load of Chuckle, you know. But I don't know. Something to consider, man. Something to consider. There's definitely moments where, I mean, I think this whole YouTube career has been a balancing act of like what you need to micromanage and what you can offload to others and accept help for. Yeah. And it's still some of figuring out Jambo. It's not food time.

Yeah, sometimes I wonder if I had done an office job for a little... Gone into the workload for maybe... Maybe if I... I don't know. If YouTube hit in the mid-20s or something, maybe I'd have more of this shit figured out. Because people like Jarvis Johnson, he worked at Patreon for several years. And he's got it all figured out, it feels like. He's very organized and like...

I don't know. Well, Jarvis is probably thinking, man, I need one too. He does have one. That's who I've been talking to about it. He's got an assistant that helps him with doing his video output and stuff. That might be helpful then. Yeah. But that's a good resolution. I think that would be a cool thing for you to focus on. Yeah, man. I just want to be a little more intentional with the projects and make sure that they're something I can...

you know, wholeheartedly commit to. Yeah, because it's so easy. It's so easy also. And I'm a victim of this too, to like,

Go to your audience and be like, big things on the way, guys. Big things coming up. We've got a big project we're working on. And then just like nod, follow. I have like a video where I'm like, I have this video where I'm back video from like several years ago. And I was like, I'm going to start posting more. And I was like, post it as the motivation because I was like, I said I'm going to do this now. I have to. And I was like, I was going to, I was telling myself I was going to be posting every two weeks on my main YouTube channel. How's that worked out for me?

Last video I posted was after a five month break. So it's been going real well. Five months is crazy. Yeah, no, no. Five months. That was, I don't think I'll ever go like a break like that again. I've got that big one that I'm, that I'm finishing up. That should be at the beginning of the, at the beginning of the month. So. Very good. Yeah. You hear about that guy? You hear about that guy that fell into the Bass Pro Shop? Bass Pro Shop tank? No. No.

What happened? There's a guy that got butt ass naked and started swimming in the, in the. Oh, is this him? Yeah, that's him. That's him. And he was an Alabama man. Look at him. He's just swimming. He's just, wow. He's just hanging out.

Oh, wait, wait, what the fuck? No, he's arrested. Dude, at first, if there's any way Tucker can go back, at first there was that image of him with his hands behind his back. I thought it was both his arms and both his legs up in the air like he was getting... Like hogtied? Yeah, like he was getting hogtied like he was a fucking turkey. And he looked like one, dude, dude. Yeah, the dude got fucking naked and started swimming in...

in in the fucking bass pro shop little thing i can't blame them people have been trying to figure out how they built those fucking things for tens of thousands of years the way the bass pro shops pyramids oh you think was it at the it was at all bass that'd be crazy if all bass pro shops were just like there the whole time and then like one company bought them out and they're like we're gonna do something with this why don't we start selling equipment here

Apparently a lot of people fucking do that shit. Apparently the Sphinx used to be a dog head. And all the weathering and erosion. Holy shit! Are you fucking kidding me? What's he fucking doing? Jesus Christ, Jambo! Jambo's fucking throwing a fit right now. He just fucking...

He swatted all my Tubbs and Gamer stuff off the dresser. That's a cry for attention. You got to get him out of control. He's looking for something. That's a sign. He's acting out right now.

The Sphinx used to be a dog head. And all the years of... Why are you laughing, Tucker? Just right back in the... It used to be a dog head. And the sand and the wind and the erosion, it weathered it down until the Egyptians who discovered it, who did not build it, who discovered the Sphinx there. Why are you saying this all like it's a fact? They put one of the Pharaoh's face on it.

Dude, that's a crazy photo. A giant dog head. Why a beagle of all dogs did they choose? Like that wasn't around. That right there. That used to be the Sphinx. That's why the Sphinx's face is so small compared to its body. Because it used to be a dog. Is this true? Yes. And when the Egyptians found it there, they carved their own pharaoh into the fucking thing.

They didn't build that. Well, maybe they did build it. Things have been there for millions of years. Well, the Egyptians were around for a long... Okay, that's crazy. You got to put that away. They did not... Jambo agrees with me. Jambo's the one who sold me on this. He said, hey... He doesn't speak English. It used to be... That cat doesn't speak English. Yes, he does. Sometimes in the middle of the night, I'll wake up after I take five Benadryls to put myself to sleep and I'll see him over my head. And he's like, you need to feed me one more.

He stares at me with his big, big eyes and he's got a human mouth. Oh, that's scary. It's like a fucking 2006 internet video.

Tucker's getting into this. Tucker's like, Tucker's crawling through the fucking conspiracy website. Alternative. Okay. This is our slash alternative history. Are you sure that this is true? I don't know if this is true. Yes, dude. I'll tell you one thing. I'll, I'll like a video on Tik TOK about how the Sphinx used to be a dog. And then I get so much bullshit conspiracy, you know,

I don't even know how to say it. It's just like fucking global. You agree with the one true Buzz Aldrin? Yeah. I saw him at an airport recently. Did you know that? Really? He lives in LA, I think. I was at what? I was at Charlotte Airport, I believe, in North Carolina. Oh. Sometimes I don't fly direct.

That's okay. Did you think I was going to cheer you out about that? Did you think I was going to... Yeah, sometimes I don't feel... Oh, what the fuck, man? What are you doing? I got into the terminal. I wanted some Chick-fil-A. And I start walking and I see a guy. Uh-huh.

Who kind of looks like Buzz Aldrin. And he's walking with some younger lady. What does Buzz Aldrin even look like now? He looks kind of like Joe Biden, but a little different face. So like 85? Yeah. Oh, let me see. That doesn't look anything like... So I'm looking at this guy and I think to myself, is that Buzz Aldrin?

And I start looking down and my eyes shift down and he's got a little fleece collared, you know the fleece collared pullover thing. Yeah. He's got me wearing that and it says fucking NASA on it. And I go, oh, that is Buzz Aldrin.

And I don't say shit to him because he punches people. He does. Have you seen that video, Tucker? He punches people. Yeah. Do you want me to pull that up? You can pull that up. You can pull that up for our video watchers. I was about to tell him. You know, the Sphinx used to be a dog and he punches me in the face. That's what would have happened. That would have... Yeah. I mean...

Like, he has any authority to even talk about that yet. No, this guy is like trying to talk to, he's like telling him to put his hand on the Bible. Also, can we just talk about this dude that's harassing Buzz Aldrin? Buzz Aldrin is dressed in the nines in this video. And this other guy's got like the fucking jean and then, and then dress jacket combo going on. He's just asking to get punched. He's wearing a t-shirt under a, under a fucking dress coat. It's ridiculous. Yeah.

But, you know, he does punch people. He does punch people. And if I told him what I was thinking in that very moment, I would have gotten punched. So you think that he has that reaction to any conspiracy? Well, no. You go up to him and say that the frogs are turning gay and he starts wailing on you? No, I was going to ask him about the soundstage. Oh, okay. Well, yeah, the soundstage.

That is crazy that you saw a man that there's not a very, you know, in terms of the whole population of the world, very, very few people are still alive who have walked on the moon. That's kind of crazy. He's 93 or something.

Yeah, I was surprised he was still walking around, to be honest. He still had a nice posture to him. Really? Yeah, because some people who are 93, they ain't looking so hot. They start to turn it. They start to like, it literally looks like they're shriveling, like their spine starts to compress. They start to hunch over and stuff.

And those people, they did everything right. They did everything the doctors told them to do and they still wound up like that. And it's the old fucks who say, I smoke a pack a day, I drink a Dr. Pepper every night. That's my favorite thing. Who make it to the end. And it's not fair. And it's not fair. One man deludes an entire nation of...

About dawn of the fucking moon and he's the one who gets to live, huh? He's the one who gets to live all those years in good health unlike my grandma who was murdered by Andrew Cuomo. A lot of your listeners love you to death. Governor Andrew Cuomo killed my grandmother. Oh, geez. You know, it was a multifaceted event. And it's fucked up.

it's multifaceted they renamed the tappan z after his father who they renamed the tappan z bridge yes they did really you know what they called it the mario cuomo bridge as if anyone calls it that as if anyone calls it that i remember when we were driving to visit relatives and

in jersey we would always be like we're going over the tappan zee bridge it's always like a big deal like oh we're going over the like like the event of going over the bridge was like i was like here's the tappan zee i'm like am i supposed to oh look there's the governor mario cuomo bridge everybody as if as if the uh the the what is that the the the gmc bridge

What is this, a car bridge? What are we getting? What are we getting? Fucking supplements? Really, really bad. Jeez. Jeez. Jeez. I will say, it's a little bit... Oh, you're out? All gone. Oh, we got to wrap this up then. I...

I think it's a little ridiculous when you see, like, I don't know if it's like, sometimes it's like People Magazine, like at least when I was growing up. They always talk about like someone who's like fucking 90 and it's like a celebrity or something. Then they're like, they're looking good or whatever. And they're like, what's your secret? And it's like a glass of wine a day and I eat only chicken pesto. And it's like, no, that's not...

It's just like a totally circumstantial thing that they did over their life. And it's like, you just happened to not die. You just got lucky. That survivor bias. She was going against you, you know? Taylor Swift, how'd you do it? I just followed my dreams. Yeah, I just played country music for most of my life. It's like, no. It's crazy how big fucking Taylor Swift has gotten. It kind of came out of nowhere. And I love, love her fan base.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, they're good. We're big fans. We're big fans of all the albums. They're almost as bad as the Barbz now. Not that the Barbz are bad. Bad? What are you talking about? Bad is a relative term. Bad in terms of intensity is what I'm talking about. That's like badass, you know? Oh, yeah. No, like bad and like sick. Like the Barbz are like super fucking cool. And like they should definitely not comment on this episode.

It would boost engagement if they did though. They're never gonna find it either. We're at the end of the episode. They're not gonna know. It's the end. We're in the deep end. We're in the deep end right now. Yeah. Fine, let's wrap this shit up. Yeah, we probably should. I mean, we've got a... For those of you listening, we've got a good year ahead. We've got a good... We've got a good year ahead for Chuckle. And we've got many plans deep. Conspicuous plans too. But if you are a Chuckler...

And maybe you've got some cool, hip ideas of stuff you want us to do, maybe new things. Any suggestions that you have for us are welcome. Most of the time, your guys' suggestions are shit. I will mention that. And they usually go unnoticed. So I really want you to think about it when you send it in because you guys, you know, I've said this before and you guys seem to miss out when I say this, but

A joke response is not helpful and we hate you for that. Yeah, we do. We do. We do. Well, Chucklers, we're excited to keep you here for 2024. We're coming on three years of Chuckle Sandwich. It's a long time. Long time. So, I don't know. Thanks for listening. Yeah. Thanks for watching.

Remember? Man in the arena. Man in the arena. You are in the arena. And you know what all those cold, timid souls judging you? What?

Who the fuck do they think they are? I am wasted. The Sphinx used to be a dog, and I'm going to keep researching that. In every episode, I'll have another update. The Sphinx was a dog. It used to be a dog. It did. Okay? And Buzz Aldrin's punching people on the soundstage, and the little green men helped him do it. No, dude, the Sphinx.

Totally makes sense that they found that and they carved its head into being a pharaoh because that does not make any sense why the head would be that much smaller to a society who is so into numbers. So into numbers. They do like numbers. Were they into numbers that much? Yes. The Egyptians? I thought that was in... How the fuck do you build those things? I thought it was in Saudi Arabia that they invented. You love numbers if you're building that shit.

You love him. That feels a little sunk in. You're not going to make an anatomically inaccurate man-dog-beast? No, it was a dog. This is just surprising coming as someone who's a cat guy. We knew that the Egyptians liked the cats, though.

We knew they liked cats. But it wasn't, it's not a cat. It's obviously not a cat. You think that was like a big statue of Anubis? You think it's Anubis? Yes. It could, I don't, I don't, I, listen, all I'm saying is that doesn't add up to me. Fine. But I'm pissed. And I'm going to do more research on it. In every episode I'm requesting, we have a segment called The Sphinx.

The Sphinx? And I'll... What's the... Schlatt's Weekly Sphinx Update. Okay. And you know what? Then I'll dish some more knowledge. Can we also maybe bring in different topics than just the Sphinx? Or like how much is there to unveil about the Sphinx? I'm asking just for a small weekly segment. Okay. Towards the back end of the show. It can even be towards the back end of the show. I'll give you... Okay. Schlatt's Weekly Sphinx Update. Okay.

I'll give you a deal here. How about we, how about we, we can, we'll try it out. We'll do, we'll, we'll, we'll do a pilot episode of the Sphinx section of the episode. Next episode. We're going to see how it works out.

And then we'll see what the reception is to the Sphinx section of the podcast. Good. Dude, people are going to love this. Okay. I'm excited. I hope they do. I really hope they do. It's not going to be all those bullshit conspiracy theories. It's going to be hard facts, hard facts, hard cock. You're going to come with sources? I'm going to come.

Thanks for watching. Bye.

Because the right storage system must be adjusted to what you need. Save more with up to 25% less in storage selected by internet. The Home Depot. You do more. You achieve more.