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Did you know that a Texas woman was arrested for allegedly trying to buy another woman's child at Walmart? How much?
$200,000 in Crockett, Texas. A woman has been arrested in Texas for allegedly attempting to purchase another woman's child at Walmart while they were in the self-checkout line, no less. They were trying to do their duty to the people that work fucking for low, low wages at Walmart. And somebody came up and tried to buy their baby.
Well, Ted, you know that wouldn't fly in the regular checkout aisle. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Only in self-check. You think the kid was walking along the produce section, peeled off a sticker, went, ooh, put it on his forehead. Some mom sees him. No fucking way. No fucking way. This is a sale. Grabs the kid, swipes him across the red scanner. That's it, dude. Sorry. Grabs him. The mom's like, no, no, no. Wait, that's my child. Charlie, if you ever think about...
Imagine if that embarrassment, that embarrassing story you saw the other day where you tried to steal a child's phone. I knew you were going to bring me back to this. I don't want to go back here. Imagine if instead, instead of trying to steal the child's phone, you tried to steal the child and just leave some money on the counter. I was coming close. That kid had a death prep.
But yeah, no, just like, and it was in their shopping cart too. Would it be worse to take the kid out of the shopping cart and leave money or put the kid on the conveyor belt with the rest of the things she was buying? Do you think? It would probably be worse
Or sorry, put the kid down and then put a divider between the food and the kid. Well, you know that when you put the divider there, it's like that's why I think that it would have been better for them to, you know, that person with the child to be in the normal checkout line. Because once you put that divider there, that means that people can't talk to you because, you know, there's the separation there. It's a rule. Exactly. Exactly. So if I put her kid behind the divider, what is she going to do, Matt? Basically.
Eight years raising that thing for nothing. You get sandpaper and you whittle the child down into a very, very round cylinder. And then you put him on the checkout aisle. And when the cashier tries to get him, he moves the conveyor belt and the child just begins to rotate. And the child never makes it as he keeps rotating backwards and backwards as a conveyor belt is trying to get to the cashier so he can ring him up. Yeah, I guess if your goal was to...
was to just acquire the child at a base level and none of the qualities of what a child is. Instead, you just want to meet sphere, then yes, that would be... Yeah, I actually, I'm glad you brought that up, Schlatt, because I actually am not a big fan of this new trend of sanding kids into tubes and various smooth geometric shapes. Well, if he doesn't reach the cashier in 15 minutes, you get him for free. My kid's going to be a pyramid.
you're mixing up so many rules here. It's like, it's like class. Um, in the, in the article, it said Taylor B, this, this woman's last name, I guess is Taylor. Taylor began commenting on her son's blonde hair and blue eyes. She asked how much she could purchase him for the mom. Try to laugh this comment off thinking Taylor was joking. Taylor told her that she had $250,000 in the car and would pay that much for him. The mom told her no amount of money would do wrote authorities. Um,
Taylor continued to bring up the topic and the mother told her to stay away from her son. Taylor said that she had been looking forward to buying a baby for some time, according to law enforcement. This sounds like in the market that we'd start that would stop making sense. Like it's like not a real. This is a real person. And this is the kind of people that Schlatt chooses himself to associate with. I've seen stranger things at Walmart, man. Is that what they're going to call the new season?
You don't even want to know, man. Most of the time, it's me doing that crazy shit. Jesus. Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich.
You know what I do? You know what I do? I'm a bit crazy at the Walmart. Yeah. Yeah, I get one of those shopping carts, and I fill it up with, like, I just put a bunch of, like, of the heaviest things. No, no, no, the heaviest things in the cart. Right. Which makes it very heavy. Yeah. And when you go, when you start accelerating the cart to top speed, this makes it very, very hard to stop. What is the top speed of a...
Shopping cart. I need to add. I've got at least 20 or 30 miles per hour in a shopping cart. You could cross any Walmart in like 20 seconds less. This is why I love bringing my kids shopping. They're ramps.
Exactly. You get a finely sanded child to... Smooth grain. We'll use your pyramid child to jump off of. It'll be like a little Skate 3 moment. It's perfect. You know what I like to do? You load the cart up with very heavy items. You start at the... So like, you know, the fridge, the freezer area where all the bread is and stuff too. Warm up. You start there.
And then it all, like, it's very hard. It's like a very, very long train. You know how trains take a while to start? Or like a truck or something? It takes a lot of force to get it going, but once it's going... Oh, but once it's going, it's not stopping. Once it's going, it's not going anywhere. Beautiful straightaway in the middle of the Walmart I frequent where it just goes from produce all the way down to the fucking tire shop.
Here's what I'll say. And that's perfect, too, because you trick that baby out. Yeah. No bumps, no divots, no potholes or stop in that fucking car. Yeah, it goes straight to the auto repair section, which means once you crash the cart going top speed, you just get it fixed up. Here's what I'll say is what I do normally. They just raise it up a little more next time. When I go into a Walmart is I like to take my cart. And Texas, no laws. It's all freedom there.
You fill it entirely with... You're talking like a Texan now, too. You fill it entirely... You fill... Here's what I do in Texas, all right? You fill it entirely with black cat...
Fireworks, all right? Best in the business. Oh, yeah. My Meemaw, she's a big fan of those, let me tell you, on the 4th of July. She brings those out and she lights them up. It's a great thing. My Papa, my Peepaw, my D-Doll. My Meemaw, my D-Doll. My Meemaw and my Jim Jam. My Gleam Glam. He's cooking up some nice steak and venison. Yeah.
I digress, though. I feel that up with the Black Cats and lots of flint, right? You get that thing going, and the force of the cart hitting the back of the Walmart, you see, it knots it. Oh, that's good. You a science-er? I'm a bit of a science enthusiast, I must say. Let me know if you ever need yourself catching yourself wanting some more flint. Come down to my mine.
Come down to my mind, I got Hubert and Jimothy. They're working hard to bring out all the flim. Come down to my mind, I got rocks falling. Listen, brother, we get a bunch of fireworks. We light that up. You go 1,500 feet. You ain't seeing no curvature. I'm telling you right now, brother. Earth flat. That shit flat.
I walked at least, I'm telling you right now, I walked at least 30 miles the other day when my car broke down on the side of the 505. And, you know, I swear to, you know, the Lord above that I did not feel myself going down a sphere, no less, not even a hill. Not even a hill. No, sir. No, sir. It ain't. And I've seen a hill before. I know what that feels like.
And there's no scientist in the government, no globalist is going to tell me that the Earth is round. I don't like that. I don't like that word globalist. I don't like that. Because that there is implying a globe and it ain't. Hey, hey, hey. Round. Round. What the hell? Flat. Flat.
Flat. Indeed. Your girl watches The Office, my girl watches Clint Stevens. We are not the same. For audio listeners, that's what it says on Schlatt's mouse pad for some reason. Welcome everyone to the newest episode of Chuckle Sandwich, Chuckle Sandwich episode 45. Welcome to Chuckle Flatbread. Today we're going to be getting into the sharp,
flat, smooth, sanded-down truths of the world. Indeed. And one of those first truths that we're going to be talking about is our newly released...
Chuckle Sandwich merch and the standings, the standings of the sandwich sales. Perhaps the truth that I am in first place by a wide, wide, wide margin. So wide. A lot more shirts than you. You'd be a little bit surprised, Schlatt, because...
You know, I think Charlie and I, well, maybe me more so than Charlie. Don't speak for me. Don't talk about me. I was correcting myself. Ted, do not talk about Charlie. Don't talk about Charlie. Start that over and don't mention his name. Seriously, if I even catch you looking at maybe what could be me on your screen, start over. Okay.
Okay, so apparently Charlie has inhabited the body of a stereotypical popular girl in high school. Charlie lives at Euphoria High School. Charlie's one of the girls that follows you on Instagram, and then the second you follow back...
immediately just to pad that just to pad that ratio of followers you had that happen to you before oh all the fucking time I hated I did not try dude I was not popular in middle school and then all the fucking all the all the popular girls who I didn't follow because I knew the game they played
But they'd follow me on Instagram and I'd follow them back like, hmm, what's going on here? And then obviously I had the app that would track who followed and who unfollowed. And is it really even installed if it doesn't tweet for you every day? Three people unfollowed. Here's their username. Check by socialcredittracker.gov. Anyways, yeah, I'd get the notification without fail the same day they follow me. Oh, they were gone.
And then they just patted that. Bro, I'm telling you right now, if you are a regular person, regular human being, not like popular on social media or anything like that. And you have thousands of followers and only follow 100 people. Big red flag. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I do not do not trust you. I don't. You know that. I think that could be a lie to us early on, though.
Because at what point do we turn into, you know, a social media person? I mean, you could just be a fucking normal dude that posts videos on the internet. When does that become your job? So there was a sliver of time, Schlatt, that you were that person. Well, it was actually pretty definitive. I mean, did you guys also find the cave?
What are you talking about? Well, I mean, you're talking about the time from when you went from a normal person to a social media influencer. I'm asking if you also found the cave. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. The cave, yeah. And if you saw the cloaked man. Ted, we got to move on from this. Yeah, I think we do because I'm not going to get this. I'm just wondering if you guys were also snagged by the time hook. No, I was there. I was there. The time hook? Yeah.
I just want to make sure we all had the same experience. Oh, the time hook. It wasn't a gradual thing. I was snagged by the time hook. Yeah, the time hook. There was stalactites. I remember a voice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every stalactite on Earth is seven stalactites on the cave. And every voice is repeated thrice before dissipating. And then there's this really genius thing where the music...
Yeah. That's every time it beats, it's one day on earth. Everybody knows that when you go into the cave, one thing you come out knowing is that your mind becomes its own metronome. Yes. Yeah. Either way. Charlie, your silence speaks volumes. I know. I mean, that was everything that happened. I didn't have anything to add on to it. Oh, okay. I mean, you guys got it all. As the chuckle sandwich sales stand...
In terms of who is doing the best, whose sandwiches are flying out the door. Right now we have 40.3%. Oh, it's me. Say it's me. We've got the Shmeet Witch Deluxe at 27%.
We have the slimy slider. This is not how, no, shut, Ted, stop. This is not how percentages work. If you're going to go down, you go down. You go down and you end at me. Do you first. And then in the middle between those. Why would you end with the middle? No one ever does that. No one's ever ended with the middle. The knee breaker burger.
So as it stands right now, Schlatt is in first, I've been second, and Charlie is in third. And these are the shirts we're selling at Choco.Menu, including a cool little pin, which we never mentioned. Yeah, we never mentioned the cool little pin. And it's outselling, I think, all of us?
Except me. Except me. It's selling less than mine. It's selling very, very well. It is a good pin. It's a design that we've never really shown anywhere before. You can put it on your shirt. You can put it on the shirt you get from Chuckle.Menu. Put it on a bag. But yeah, I mean, I'm just going to give this opportunity right now for each of us to sort of make our pitch here.
to the sandwich people out there. Try to get people to see the truth behind which sandwich is the true sandwich, the true glorious one, the one that will tickle our taste buds in just the right way. I'll go last because I... Okay. In that case, shall I? What, am I supposed to make another pitch? Listen, I'm already in first place. Dirty Boy, stay on top. Drink me. Drink me.
You know, I'm bouncing between really liking and really not the energy that we have in this podcast today. I think I'm gravitating towards enjoying it. So Schlatt says, drink me. That's his pitch for his sandwich. That's all you're going to get. Scott, don't show me drinking this beverage. I'm not sponsored by them. Um...
What I will say for the Knee Breaker Burger right now, for all of you listeners out there, is that you want the Knee Breaker Burger because you don't want to know what's going to happen if you don't get the Knee Breaker Burger, let me tell you. I mean, it's almost in the name. You've got cyanide aioli on it. You got the fucking...
A brioche bun with barbed wire on it. You know what that's called in the biz? That's called texture. That's called flavor. You ever tasted like you got, you bit your tongue and you taste that sort of iron in your mouth. That is sort of,
the flavor of the Knee Breaker Burger. It's beautiful. It's fresh. And let me just say this one thing, because I, you know, people don't get anywhere in the world unless they villainize the other people around them. Schlatt, he's just a bastard. I mean, he's just a piece of shit. He wants you to drink him? What's that about? That's a little strange. Sip me, even. Sip me? He wants you to just...
Indulge upon him as a piece of liquid. Maybe even give me a little dip. Editor, can you puppet warp Schlatt being drunk? Hang on. Charlie, let me just say, is selling...
Like, what is this? Edible Play-Doh? What is this bullshit? What is this? You can't even eat your burger. It's got barbed wire in the bun. Mine is the only one that's actually edible. I can't believe you're hitting this point. I can't believe you're hitting this point. Ketchup? Oh, I'm going to put a hockey puck. I burned it so hard with extra char that it's on my burger and I can't even eat it. Also, this barbed wire that makes your mouth open. Where do those meatballs come from, Schlatt? Let me ask you that.
Where do those meatballs come from? Hey, hey. No, no, no. No, no, no. Hey, no, no. Hey, hey. You listen to me, Ted. You yield. I'm over talking you now. I never questioned where the meat came from. Let me just say this because I know you're going to go on some rant about like, oh, me, the shmeet, the shmeet. When I ask you this question, Shlet, I need you to be truthful. All right? Where? Where?
did those meatballs come from? They came from the depths of the deli I used to work at. The depths? When I was 15 years old. That freezer room that had black mold across the ceiling. Oh, so they've got black mold on them. Are they edible? I don't know. Black mold is deadly. Well, I mean, Ted, you can digest it. I mean, sure, it'll give you some trouble, maybe.
Maybe. Maybe, right? But it will not lacerate the inside of your mouth. I risk. Like barbed wire would. That's textual. You're going to lacerate the inside. I don't even want to talk about it. I'm in first place. I don't need to. He's a villain. I don't need to play the charade. I don't need to play the charade. I'm in first place. I'll get the Florida Charlie now because we've been talking a lot, but it's time for the slime. Scott's editing this, right? Yeah, Scott's editing this. Scott.
Play my music. What does that mean, play my music? You don't have music. Play my music, Scott. Play my music. Charlie does not have music. My music's playing, I can't hear you. You two are sitting here, you're arguing, you're arguing about maybes, you're arguing about where things are from.
Here's the truth of the matter, okay? I don't know where the slimy slider is from. I don't know what it's gonna do to you. The only thing I can promise to you is that it's edible once, for sure. And here's what I want you to remember, okay? You can either be... You can be a schmeater, okay? Sure. You can be a kneebreaker.
You know what you're gonna be, you can choose your path, or you can carve your own! You can SLIDE down your own path, leaving a little snail trail of victory! If you let the slimy slider slide down your throat! So don't let these people, don't let me tell you who to be! Pick who you wanna be, and there's only one way you can pick who you wanna be! And it's if you pick the slimy slider!
Charlie, that was the worst pitch you've ever done. I thought it was awesome. Now everyone who buys my shirt is going to call themselves a Schmeter. That is such a good fucking name. It's like you did my advertising for me. Everyone who's buying mine is going to be calling themselves a kneebreaker. And that's powerful. And everyone that's buying mine is going to call themselves a hero. Schmeters worldwide, drink me. Kneebreakers worldwide, drink me.
Take over the world and kill all that get in your way. And picture this. And picture this. When it's all over, when the world is ended, when the Schmieders and the Briggers have clashed together, and all that lies is rubble and fire, what will be the most valuable possession? What are you talking about? It will be the slimy slider. The most sought-after shirt was the one that
That you didn't realize you wanted the whole time until the world was dust.
Until the world was dust and all things had crumbled, what will you have? Scott, play my music. Scott, play my music. You don't have music. He's been playing. You don't have music. Scott, raise my music up. You know what you should do, Charlie? And this is for video listener only thing, is that you should take off your glasses and let the video watchers look into your piercing eyes and know truth. Okay, Scott. Scott, I'm going to turn. Scott, low pass my music.
Scott, bring up my music. Oh! Oh! Oh my goodness! Wow! Scott, swell my music. Scott, can you make his eyes just like piercing blue? Scott, can you make my eyes blink at irregular intervals? Make him look like he's one of those guys from Dune. With the piercing blue eyes. Scott, give me desert power.
What the fuck is desert power? You just don't know about the doing universe. And that's why you're not going to win. That's why you're not going to win because you don't have desert power. And you don't have barbed wire power. You don't have... You know what you don't have? You know what you don't have? You don't have my music. Scott, play my music. I feel like George Bush coined desert power. You feel like George Bush? Here's the thing. Here's the thing. Slimy Slider's got desert power. Kneebreaker Burger, it's got tetanus power. That's all I got to say.
Wow, tetanus. Yay. You get tetanus from eating the Knee Breaker Burger. So cringe, bro. The Schmieders are laughing at you. The fact that you're using the word cringe, like you're living in 2016, you're relaxing having a nice cold drink in 2016. Schmieders ride together. That's cringe, bro.
Dude, call a Schmieders. You're cringe. Me and the Schmieders are going to go back to fortune. Oh, man. Listen, all I'm saying is we're living in a fucking fallout, all right? And you're walking around trying to figure out what to sell to the nearest vendor 100 miles away because the world is a wasteland because of what the Schmieders...
And the beaters did. The knee breakers? Not the beaters. I don't want them to be called the beaters. All I'm saying is when you're looking, you know, what gets you the most bottle caps, what gets you the most bang for your buck, it's going to be the slimy slider baby. It's going to be the one people never expected. And then... It is very dense. There's a lot of calories in that thing. Can I also ask one question, Charlie? Because you said that it's edible once. You didn't seem to specify at which...
Time you ate it was it edible because it might not be the first time you eat it would it be edible? Is it edible the first time or is it edible once among the times that you try it? Well life is full of questions Ted and I can think of a sure way to answer this one And it's if you go over to chuckle dot menu and you buy the slimy slider Fuck yeah, and you remember what you learned here today or the knee-breaker supreme. Oh
Listen, I don't even need to do the pitch. The Schmieders know what's up. And you know what? If you're looking for some calories, please. I mean, like, I need some calories. Does anyone who needs calories right now? I need some calories. I'm stocking up on calories. You know why? He's hibernating is what he's doing. I'm going to go into hibernation soon. The entire state, Ted, is going into hibernation. Have you heard about this big news? The Texas freeze is coming back.
Is it really? I remember you, we, if you guys remember early on in the podcast, Schleip was living off of just beef jerky and misery. Yes, gas station, beef jerky and misery. My house that I moved into on the night that I moved into it, lost power and heat and everything and water basically for a week, which was awesome. And now it's happening again, almost exactly a year later. You excited to run that back?
Yeah, no, dude, the streets are supposed to ice over tomorrow. So by the time you listen to this podcast, I might be dead. But basically what happens is because there's no snow blowers or snow plows or salt trucks or anything, there's no infrastructure in Texas. We fall over and die. No bridges, no tunnels.
No governors, no taxes. There's no streets. People forged their own path in Texas. No kids. She bought them all. Exactly. There's a woman just buying all the kids and making them work in a Mr. Beast chocolate factory. It's fucked.
But I distinctly remember talking about this last time it happened, but you see all these stories and photos of when it snows like an inch in South Carolina. Yeah. And then there's highways full of cars. Like there's this huge pileup with a little layer of snow and some car is like on fire always somehow. Some car just lit on fire. Got to stay warm. You need one. It's sort of like a quota. Yeah.
But yeah, when you're in the South and when the state has absolutely no resources to salt the roads or keep it not icy and your tires aren't meant for snow... Snow tires. You get fucked. You get fucked. Maybe if everyone paid their $10,000 tickets, they'd be able to afford the infrastructure. Yeah, right? Right? I don't know. Funny story. Weird. But yeah, there's nothing. There's nothing. I'm trying to fucking...
survive out here i'm stocking up on fucking cliff bars what are you gonna do i remember last time you just ate beef jerky right yeah because because everything was closed except the fucking gas station yeah um why is this happening like did they not think this was gonna happen again and also i'm curious why is this happening again is this this isn't normal for texas
Now, everybody I've talked to about it who has been in Texas for a while has said that this shit never happens. Obviously, last year would be much worse. But still, you don't get ice every year. No, you don't get snow every year. Yeah.
It was like the worst. Like they hadn't seen anything like it in decades. Yeah. I was in Texas in December and it was like 70 degrees. I was hotter in Texas than it was in LA. Yeah. Weird. Cowboy cowboy mode is what it's, what it's going to happen. Cowboy mode. What does that cowboy mode? Well,
Well, they have sometimes a couple laws left over. They're just going to take them all off. Just for a little bit. Oh, they're just going to start removing laws until people just run into the streets. I mean, it's going to be so cold. What are they going to need them for? They don't need laws. There's one law, and it's whatever it takes. That's the only law there's going to be. The only way that laws are solidified is if they're written onto a specific law paper. You burn those papers for warmth during the Texas freeze season. Exactly. You've got to make laws.
If you want to know true cowboy mode, I'll give you an idea of what that'll be. Because you live in Texas, a lot of cows out there. What I say you do is you do cowboy mode X, like as I said, it's a collaboration, Star Wars. You run out into a cow field. You kill a cow, slice open its belly, cuddle up inside of its belly. It will be warm.
cows are warm that's not a collab that's just charlie cows cows are warm that's not a collab that's not a collab absolutely a collab collab with an animal there you go it's a collab with an animal anytime you eat shit is a collab with whatever food you're eating hey guys what's up i'm collabing with this white you beef yeah i don't know about that killed freshly on the fields i'm collabing with my microphone right now i'm collabing with you guys yeah thank
I'm collabing with the shit that's in my colon right now. When a horse breaks its leg, it collabs with a gun to the back of the head. What the fuck? Oh, man. Oh, dude. All those collabs happening on the special farm right now. Hey, guys, if we were to look at, and I guess just kind of assume, because no one can really say for certain what the laws of Texas are, what do you think they'd be? We have one for sure is whatever it takes.
Wait, can you re-explain the question? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because like, okay, so Texas is sort of a weird place. No one really knows what the laws are, so we sometimes joke about, you know, maybe like there's no laws in Texas. Yeah. We've got one, whatever it takes. Two, it's wrangling time. Finish this off. Okay. Three...
babies on sale all the time. The babies are on sale. Any baby that you see, you have the right to remain silent, hand the mother money and take the child. Yeah. But for an amendment to law number three has to happen at Walmart. Has to happen at Walmart. Anything you see in Walmart is for sale. That's the law. Walmart five, Walmart has to have the aesthetic and appearance of
alien marketplace in Star Wars Texas X Star Wars it's a collaboration law number six Confederacy no no we're past that okay all right all right we're past the Confederacy okay law number seven amendment to law number six oops never mind never mind our bad law number eight what do you think
Oh, law number eight is clearly every country song needs to have the inclusion of a mention of tight blue jeans and down an old country road. So like, for instance, you and me going down a country road in that blue jeans like that.
I kind of, well, why'd you stop? I kind of wanted it to keep going. Well, there's no other laws. I just needed to show the part that was, you know, legally required. Well, there actually is one more law. Rolling down in my tractor, it's red. You have to specify that the tractor is red. But it's dead. Got a cold beer in the cup holder.
Of the big red tractor, blue jeans, cup of my balls. Tossed a couple two by fours in the back of my truck and I went to my girl says I'm ready to fuck.
Ooh. That's good. Anyways, what law are we on right now? I've been drinking too much beer. No, this is the rest of the... This is like what happens after law number eight. It just becomes a country song. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The next law is... Joe Rogan told me to take Ivermectin. I love my daddy, so I did as he said. All right, next law...
Law number 10, you cannot frame the law. You cannot friend the law? Frame. Oh, true. You cannot frame the law. It already happened once. You cannot- It already happened once. Nobody frames the law. He was innocent. He was innocent. The law was a good man. He was a good man. He was a gamer at heart. It was beautiful. Yes. He was an FPS king. Yes.
Charlie? Sitting on my porch Welding with a blowtorch Gonna make a really big shed Sitting on a beer of corn This implies the porch is made of like just sheet metal I'm upgrading my house Shove a corn up my ass with some great force Uh
Okay, law number... What number are we on? I need to know. We just shoved corn up our ass. Okay, law number 13. Law number 13. Each house has to have a medieval sword hidden under it so that when, like, if Texas ever got nuked, everyone would, in the future, 100 years from now, think that everyone in Texas, as recent as 2022...
was in the medieval times. Trick them. Trick them. Trick the future fucks. I bought a sword. So you're really committing to this music thing. My wife doesn't get why. Got a long sword and a cold beer. Kick my son out. Those tight blue jeans love how long my sword is.
The tighter the blue jeans get, the longer my sword gets. It's an erection joke, Schlatt. Got my dick caught in my zipper. Get revised, ditching Wrangler.
Oh, man. That's one thing you got to watch out for during the Texas freeze is making sure that you don't get your dick stuck in the zipper during the Texas freeze. You're so right because that metal is going to be cold, dude. The second the skin touches it, you're going to be locked in. Got my dick free at the HEB. Got to...
We still got corn in my ass. Okay, I think that's enough Texas laws. I think we're running out of laws. Yeah, and that's where they gave up after that. So everything else goes. Yeah, that's where they gave up. And now everything else in Texas is just sort of nebulous. Who knows what's going on in Texas. Oh, I guess Schlatt has an idea. Oh, man. I hope you make it, bro. Thanks. I hope I do, too. No. Yeah.
Here's what I hope happens. I'm going to get a Walmart shopping cart, and I'm going to take it outside and then have the longest, longest...
of my life. You know how you'd get on the shopping carts and then you'd get one foot on it and then you'd kick off with the other one and you'd just ride that shit? I'm taking that all the way down. That windchill? Oh my god. You're gonna turn into a schlalag... What? A schlicycle? Schlag. Yes. And then I'll break off the schlicycle and give myself a schlobotomy. Uh,
It would travel faster, too, on ice, especially if you, like, maybe throw some skis on the bottom of that shopping cart and you scoot around on the ice. That's how people are going to travel in Texas. Here's the thing I'm hoping from this Texas freeze for you, Shlap. I hope that this Texas freeze is so bad that it makes you realize, man, maybe I should have moved to sunny Los Angeles. Sunny Los Angeles. And then we'll be able to go to more UFC fights. There we go. Oh!
Honestly, true. It was a fun time. It was a fun time. Which one of you guys laughed came out recently? Yeah. Because he called me on the phone at one point. I forget. Maybe I was on the toilet this time too because last time he called me and there was something going on. No, you were on the toilet. No, you were on the toilet. I remember this. Okay. Yeah. I was at home.
I thought that was when you called me about the Freddie Wong thing, but I guess maybe I was on the toilet. You're on the toilet often. You're on the toilet often. It's almost like the rest of your house is the toilet and the toilet is your house. Does that make sense? Yeah, I poop everywhere. Mm-hmm.
I was on Twitter one night and then I got the tweet from old school YouTuber Dahi De Nogla, part of the Vanoss crew, an old gamer, part of that whole group of people that were huge on YouTube like 10 years ago. And he's like, hey, man.
Any mutuals looking to go to the UFC fight? And I had just recently gotten into UFC, and I was planning on hosting some friends to watch this fight. And when I got the...
When I saw the tweet from Don, it was up for like 20 seconds and I was already in his DMs and I'd never spoken to a fucking dude in my life, but I knew I had to go. Well, you guys, you guys were mutual. So at this point, right? Yeah. I mean, we followed each other, but I'd never spoken to the dude at all. And that was the, that was the intro. And so, you know, he got us a ticket.
And then I'm like, hey, can I bring a buddy? And then he's like, yeah. And then he bought Ted a ticket. Yeah, he fucking bought me a ticket. Yeah, he's such a cool dude. He was incredibly generous. He was super fun to talk to. Like, he was great. He was awesome. He's so into UFC, too. So, like, he was giving us insight on the fight because we got great seats, too. This was a fight in Anaheim against the two hugest people you'll ever see. Yeah.
Well, we, yeah. I mean, so the seats that we got was like, there's those floor seats where they've got, they put like foldable chairs, but then we're in the row where it's like the normal actual stadium seats, like right before that section. So we basically are actually,
like have a direct view other than people like standing up and like going down the aisles and those floor seating. We have a direct view just like the fucking ring is at eye level for us. And we're maybe like 50 feet, maybe a hundred feet away from this. It was extremely close. Like the seats were way better than any of us thought they'd be. Yeah. And they got us right up close to that fucking fight. And Ted, awesome.
Ted was scared at first. Ted, you were like, oh, oh, should I be enjoying this? Well, it was... Oh, my God. No one told me they were going to hit each other. Well, I don't know. I guess I had never... I'd seen clips from UFC and stuff like that, but I had never really been...
really paid attention to a UFC fight. So I was watching him when I was on the TVs. And I was also watched, like, obviously watching while we were in because they had TVs out in the area where you get food and stuff. But I was also watching it in the zone where you're actually watching the fucking fight. And people get kind of silent. Like it's kind of turns into a tennis game almost when the real big hitters come out.
And they're like the higher up in the card you get, the more silent the crowd gets. And the only reaction that you get is when someone lands like a big hit. And then you hear you hear other people like me who go like, oh, oh, oh, yeah. It was all just like people wincing at that point. Yeah, because it's just it's like it can't even imagine being like that.
Being up there. Yeah. So fucking scary. These dudes are, these dudes are like six, four, 250 pounds. The hugest fucking, like just, just bricks. Francis Magano. And who else was, was the main card? Cyril gone.
Yeah, they were... The heaviest division of fighters. Like, these are the biggest people in the UFC fighting. Biggest size-wise, you know? It was also a huge fight. It was a title fight. And here's the thing that confused me the most when we got into that fight was...
When I... We saw the prelims, like the people who were fighting that I guess don't matter as much or some fucking thing. Not big enough. Yeah. Yeah, not big enough. Not big enough. Not big enough muscles. And what I saw...
Was that these people were shorter than the cage. And I kind of messed with my perspective until I realized that these people were like 5'2 to 5'4". And then I was like, oh shit, I'm probably taller than the cage that they're fighting in right now. And it was a very confusing perspective when you're first there because it looks like the cage is going to be way taller. And I didn't realize that someone like Conor McGregor is like... I didn't know Conor McGregor was a featherweight. I didn't know that he was 5'4".
Yeah. I didn't know Conor McGregor was that fucking short. Most of the fights are with small people. Well, how tall actually is Conor McGregor? Because I'm pretty sure he's decently short. He's 5'8". Okay. Never mind. I thought he was... I thought I saw somewhere that he was like 5'4", or something like that. But 5'8"... He's still a small dude, though. Yeah, still 5'8". Like, he was fighting in low weight classes. Yeah. Um...
So then when the big guys, the Francis Nagano... Nagago. Nagago. Francis Nagago. And I keep forgetting that other guy's name. Cyril. Cyril Ghosn. Cyril Ghosn. When they got up there, those guys are like a fucking head and a half over the cage. And they're going after each other. And you could just... You could hear...
Just like every step they took. They were like stomping. Yeah, it was like it was like the fucking Jurassic Park scene where the guy looks at his cup and the water water movements happening inside. It was crazy. It was it was wild. They play like music at the event or is it just completely? No, it's just here's here's one thing I'll say.
is that in between the fights, they play ads on the big thing. And one thing that I noticed that I thought was very funny was since I've never been to a UFC fight before, but there's a very specific audience of people that go to UFC fights. And the ads that they play are like ads for stuff that have UFC fighters in it. And...
action movies and then the biggest one that was like oh it's so obvious why they're advertising it here was the new um jackass movie yeah is because it's just guys beating the shit out of these people yeah these people like seeing other people beat the shit out of themselves let's i will like to watch a bunch of fucking guys go get the shit beat out of them by a giant mechanical fucking boxing glove or something like that in the nuts yeah
You like seeing people beat up other people? What about people beating up themselves? What about people putting themselves in situations and not even getting a belt for it? Just a laugh. I've never seen a jackass movie. I feel like I need to, though.
Feels like it's this big legendary thing I keep hearing about. Or maybe I don't need to. I don't know. You probably don't need to. No? You probably don't need to. I'm just going to say it. Have you seen the Jackass? I've seen the old ones, yeah, for sure. Not worth watching. I don't know. I mean, do you want to see it, dude? Uh...
put a beer bong up to his face and have a dude shit on the other end of it? Oh, wait. Oh, that's not what I expected you to say at all. Yeah, yeah. They also did this where they launched a guy with a fucking trebuchet. I was ready to jokingly say, I guess you're right, I could just do that myself. And then you said that. No, dude. No, it's gross. They launched a dude in a trebuchet in a porta potty and all this shit got on him. Fuck!
Fuck, man, you had me until porta potty. God damn what I would give to be launched. That is literally like my brow doesn't usually get furrowed like this. Yeah, you're seriously furrowing right now. I would actually go to say you're furrowed. My brow does not get furrowed like this. Holy shit, man. Oh my God. Are you? No, Ted, stop. It's going to get stuck. Guys.
Dude, unfurl. Dude, unfurl. Unfurl. Come on, please. Stop. Why are you so angry at me, man? What are you so angry at me about? Jesus. Are you mad at me? Oh my God, I'm sorry. I'm pissed at you, Charlie. Yeah, that sounds like my worst nightmare is to be stuck in a porta potty. Just even a porta potty tipping over, but see, like, a trebuchet? A trebuchet, the medieval fireball throwing...
Yes, they launched bodies over the Great Wall of China that had the plague. Stinky bodies. Stinky body. Stinky body. Well, on that note, we're running out a little bit of time here, folks.
Because Charlie's got somewhere to be. Why would you call me out like that? It's all Charlie's fault. It's entirely Charlie's fault. That is so violent. That is so... It's 100%. You had your fucking brow furrowed for too long, man. Charlie's got to go collab with not being here right now. Charlie's going to go collab with being a little bitch. Oh my god, dude. Dude.
He's got to go collab with not caring about his friends. That's nuts. No, no. And you can take that information, folks, and you can take it to the bank when you go to chuckle.menu and you don't buy the slimy sluddy. You buy the knee breaker burger. Listen, Schmieders worldwide, you know what to do. You know what to do, Schmieders. You know what to do, Schmieders. Nope. Infiltrate the Schmieding. Oh,
Ted, one quick question from the forum. One quick question from the forum. Rapid fire. One quick question from the forum. Yeah, let's do it really quick. First thing that comes to your mind, you have to say. That you'd like to have that is not a normal Gibbon. Gibbon. I want a baby Gibbon. They have facial hair just like me. Okay, Charlie? Like a big round...
Lizard? Round lizard. A big round lizard. Big. Dinosaur. Those don't exist, you fucking idiot. That's not a normal pet. They don't exist anymore. They existed at one point. Wait, then where's the big round lizard? That exists? I didn't create those. I want a velociraptor. That's pretty cool. That is pretty cool. You know, they had feathers.
And he's going to eat Knee Breaker burgers and he's going to love it at chuckle.menu. Thanks so much for listening to this episode of Chuckle Sandwich. We'll catch you next time with another...
thrilling episode. Let us know in the chuckle sandwich form topics you'd like us to cover. We now have a topic section that you guys can throw in there. Give us some good shit, maybe stuff, stuff that you're interested in us. Speaking of that, we haven't before on the podcast. We're always looking to talk about new and cool things. And just, just to finish this off, I would like to rectify my answer and change my answer. Uh, I do want the moon beast.
See you guys later. I don't know what that is, but see you guys later next time. Bye. Peace.
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