Hey everybody, welcome back to the Chuckle Sandwich podcast. It's the number one podcast in your neighborhood, and it's the second episode already, so we're pretty proud of that. I'm Ted Nivison, and I'm here with the boys. Hey, what's going on? Okay, oh shit, all right, I'm here too. I'm Slimesicle. How's it going, everyone? Oh yeah. I'm eating protein supplements. And what's your name, protein supplement?
My name is Schlatt. Doesn't matter. Can't even see it through all the muscle. The only thing he knows is protein. They call me the big guy sometimes. How do you get so big? How do you get so big? I bought an entire squat rack just to have it in the background to make it look like I work out, but I don't. All I do is drink the pre-workout. I saw some people mentioning the squat rack in the comments of the YouTube video. They know what's going on. They know what's going on? You told them? I didn't tell them. They could see.
You had a squat rack in the background last time. Yeah, but you told him that I didn't actually use it and that it was just a way to... I didn't tell him anything. Oh, you just told him, Schlatt. You've been chuckled. Get chuckled, Schlatt. Oh, we got him again. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Chuckle Sandwich Podcast. Schlatt, how strong are you trying to get? I want to be able to curl an Xbox controller. Like a normal... Yeah. Yeah.
How heavy are your Xbox controllers? Well, I mean, they're the normal size, you know. They're the regular Xbox controllers. I just...
This is why I drink the pre-workout. You know, I want to get myself hyped up to get to the point where I can eventually contract my bicep to finally curl the thing. Do you play with your arms like fully extended towards the ground? Yep. Like fully just... It's just too heavy. Just barely holding on. It's like one of those things that they do in the Marines when they're training them, where they have you like have your hands out in front of you for...
like maybe a half an hour or something like that. And at a certain point you just can't do it any longer. You know, the scenes in the movies where they're like, take my hand. And they like grab the hand and they're like barely holding onto each other. I'm just picturing that like coming, like from a, from a bottom angle coming up at Schlatt, just like watching this controller gradually slip out of his hands and
Then someone tapes cinder blocks to my ankles and throws me into a deep pool. Like they do with the mafia. Oh, that's going to mess up your KD for sure. Exactly. I won't be able to play Cold War Warzone anymore. Oh my God. But I'll tell you one thing, Ted. I mean, I wouldn't even be able to lift one today if I wanted to because I'm just so sore.
Oh, we know. We know. Oh, yeah. We do know, actually. We were supposed to record this podcast yesterday, but little Schlatt came in the Discord and he said, oh, guys...
Guys, I'm really tired. Listen, I was tired. I'm really tired, guys. And we kept hearing, we kept just hearing a controller dropping in the background over and over again. Yeah, I was just practicing and practicing. He was just trying to pick it up. You just wouldn't let me have it. So I woke up to a call, a text from Charlie that said, it's Sammy time. Yeah.
Which I did not respond to. No, you didn't. And then Ted, no, no. I chose not to. He went out of his way to ignore you. He went out of my way to not respond to it. It's Sammy time. And then, uh, and then Ted called me and he said, Hey, he was, Ted was rather businesslike about it. And he said, Hey, Schlatt, uh,
we've got a podcast to film. Where are you? You're 18 minutes late. I didn't say, I didn't specify how late it was. And then I said, hi, Ted, sorry, I'm 18 minutes late. That's just more words to say it's Sammy time. Hold on. Hold the phone. I said, hey, Ted, I know I'm 18 minutes late. You didn't really have to point that out because we both know what time it is. This is slander.
But, you know, you did just wake me up because I was outside breaking my ass, shoveling everybody. And, you know, there's nothing I can really do about it. My juices are on the empty. There is a clear framing right now. This is the part as well where Schlatt's windshield or his window broke as well. And he heard a pow. And then there was a cloud of dust that came up by his foot because Ted had actually a sniper that he had trained on all of our windows. I'm clearly being...
Framed as the villain right now. He's sick to hit man on me because I was 18 minutes late. I texted Schlatt yesterday and I said, hey, we are recording. You good? You are 18 minutes late. You said this specific text. You said, oh, no, we E got the Sammy, don't we? There it is, baby.
Put an E in the middle of the sentence. You were so delirious. That's because I was just, you just woke me up, Ted. You were incredibly delirious. You were drooling on the floor, probably. This sounds like baseline schlatt. I don't understand. I know that you live on the West Coast, Ted, and that you don't do much of anything anymore. Blue skies every day, baby.
On the East Coast, we have such a thing known as manual labor. And weather. And weather. And rats and spiders. And rats. And rats. So many rats on the East Coast. We got rats at the Port Authority. The plague stopped here and it never ended. And the bubonic plague, too. It's back. And the bubonic plague. It's back. It's back and it's at the Port Authority bus terminal in New York City. Yeah.
Let me finish this fucking thought. All right, talk about the rats. Talk about the rats, man. I'm not talking about the rats. I'm talking about the fucking Nor'easter that plowed its way through my neighborhood. There was a Nor'easter that plowed its way through my neighborhood. And, you know, we got like a foot to two feet of snow. And just your hands, you know how you thrust the shovel into the snow so much and with such vigor?
That it just kind of, boom, and then it stops really short. Oh, yeah. You hit a piece of ice. And then it kicks back into your hands because of how quickly it stops. I can barely hold things right now. How many times did this happen to you? I had to shovel not only my area, not only my...
My gazebo, you know? That's what I call my area, my gazebo, even though I don't have a gazebo. That's stupid. I had to shovel my next-door neighbor, who is old and sickly and does not even come outside. Wow. Because she will slip and die. What's even the point, then? She's on the corner. She's on the fucking corner. And she has a bigger property, which means I have to shovel, like, it's like three times the amount of surface area I have to shovel. Wow.
Compared to my area, my gazebo.
And then not only that, but this morning I had to get up and go across the street because my dumb fuck neighbor just decided not to do it at all. Why are you responsible for your entire neighborhood? Because I'm a nice guy, Ted. He didn't mention he was a hero last night. Because I'm a hero. I'm a hero. Okay, jury's out on that one. Because we have old white people that will come by and scout the area. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
Like a little fucking submarine, right? And they'll walk by and see, oh, does this person not have their property shoveled?
I better walk over there and pretend to slip and fall and die and then sue them for everything they have. Oh, it's just like an HOA fucking... Those people who walk around and they're like, hmm, your trash bags are in the front yard. I'm going to sue you. That's what they'll do. So I'm just looking out for my neighbors. And yeah, you know, I mean, you can save your applause. I mean, I do it with...
without expecting anything in return. - Okay, so this is incredible because Schlatt has managed to successfully frame his lateness, complete absence actually from the podcast yesterday into a- - Ted, why would you do that to him, man? - Into a hero arc.
That he is the true lord of the gazebo neighborhood that he lives within. I better see some comments and reviews on the podcast that is out on Spotify and Apple Music and all these sites as well. I better see some. I better see them in the five-star reviews, these comments.
I better see some five-star reviews just thanking me for my service, okay? I think this is going to have a bad result, though, Schlatt. I think that the result of this is that the people in your area, it's going to grow. The radius that you need to express yourself
This kindness, this gratitude. You think they're going to keep asking for more and more and more? Yeah. I disagree. I disagree. I don't think that will happen. I mean, you can't even lift an Xbox controller. I'm frail now. I'm frail. Look what this life has done to you, man. Look what's happened to you. My bones hurt. You're just a shell. You're a shell of who you used to be. You don't even use the squat rack anymore.
Never used it. Those weights have been on the barbell for years. I just, you know, the old Schlatt. I miss how huge and hulking he was. And now this injury, I feel like, is just taking you out of the game. Yeah. I'm on the, what's that list that players go on when they're injured? The, hey, I'm a player and I'm injured list. That one. Yeah. Yeah, I'm on that one. We're going to have to take you off varsity.
varsity snow shoveling flats on the varsity snow shoveling. Well, a better, better way to say it would be he was on varsity snow shoveling. Yeah. Ted, I have a question. Yes. Besides the, besides the snow. Yeah. And, uh, besides the fact that, you know, everybody, uh,
is actually much, much cooler on the East Coast. And you don't have to wonder whether or not the person you're talking to is actually just a shell. You were on the attack today. What is so great about the West Coast? Like, what do you enjoy about the monotony of Los Angeles and waking up every day? Again, with the framing, but is this a genuine question? Oh, this is a genuine question. I want to know what you like, because how long have you been in L.A. now?
I've been in LA since September. So I moved. Yeah, I moved it like a long time to wear the mask. Oh, the mask of LA. The yeah. Well, I mean, you get up. There's just smog. You can't see anything. The gas mask as well. I originally. It's just gray. I originally did a semester in LA in college in like 2018. And I just really I don't know. I really enjoyed. I do like the city Ness.
Like I lived in New York for a summer and I really, I do love New York City a lot. But something about the fact that it's almost blue skies every day. I mean, when I was in Ithaca, it was all of winter from basically November until maybe end of April was just cloudy every day. So, you know. Okay, yeah, I do get that. Oh no, clouds. How am I going to sunbathe?
You see how white I am? I'm not, I am not a sunbather. I'm pissed. Oh, I want to go to, I want to go to Los Angeles because it's just sunny there. Who hurt you today? You got a better reason. You got a better fucking reason. You got a better reason. It's not because of the sun. You don't go outside. No one's going to, no one's going to click on the thumbnail with the gray sky. I mean, well, so there's the film industry out here. I want to do more film shit. Uh,
It is warm very frequently. It's very nice out. Ted wants to get involved with the pedophile cult in Hollywood, baby. Holly boob. That's not what I said, but I'm glad that you mentioned that. Holly boob. That was a fantastic transition there, sir. Segway. So where I live in L.A., I can see the Hollywood sign.
the glorious and iconic Hollywood sign. And I saw it was a little bit different yesterday or was yesterday Monday? Yeah, it was. And I was trying to figure out what was going on with it. I actually took out my DSLR and I zoomed in on it. And it said, it said Holly boob.
It said Holly Boob and there was... That's different. I saw on the news later that day that there were six people arrested for going up to the Hollywood sign and changing it to say Holly Boob, which is hilarious. Good for them. Yeah. Why did they get arrested? Well, because that area of the Hollywood sign is, you know, if they let people go up there and just do whatever the fuck they want, then this shit would happen all the time. Wait, which... So wait, which letters are off limits?
Which letters? I think all of them. Oh, I don't know. You said that part of the Hollywood sign. And I was like, just like the wood part, like everything else is like, do whatever you want to the L. The L is fair game. The L is fair game. The second O. Yeah, you can do whatever the fuck you want to that.
Just the wood part, so they can't change what it says. There was other people back in the day that changed it to say Hollyweed at one point, which is pretty funny. Not honestly, dude. Honestly, I think Hollyboob easily takes the cake on that. Oh, for sure, because boob is funny. It's clearly superior. Yes, I agree 100%. But that's... Apparently they did it for...
I guess awareness of breast cancer, breast cancer awareness, which I suppose is actually kind of- No, they didn't. Is that true? That's bullshit. You know what I'm saying? They just wanted the Hollywood sign to say boob. I looked up holly boob, and I saw that in one of the articles, and I was like, no fucking way. You don't think so? No.
If you can give me an interview with them or something beforehand, because there's no way. I can guarantee that not a single organization that is for breast cancer research or whatever would not claim that for sure. Okay, but there's no way. Yes, we claim this. Okay, but also there's no way that like, how could the intent be that?
What is that? We claim this? ISIS? I don't know. Like, well, I don't know. Yeah, we sent those people up to change Hollywood sign to be Hollyboob. Yeah, this is ours. We're responsible for this. We are Hollyboob.
Can you imagine of all the things that ISIS could take claim for that all of a sudden out of nowhere they just come out and they just say, yeah, we did the holly boob thing. That was ISIS. We did holly boob. And that was the first time that they did anything domestically. You know what? That's the one we're the most proud of too. We did holly boob and we think it's hilarious and we'll never regret that.
Sitting on our table. That was our best. Listen, we ISIS puts out a little tweet. You know, hey, they put out a twit longer. Hey, I know we've done a lot of bad things. I know we've done a lot of bad things, but this holly boob shit is some is some funny stuff, guys. I mean, you got to admit. Come on, guys. Everybody's like, oh, you're so brave. You're so brave. That's their campaign to get people on their side to be pro ISIS. Oh, no.
Oh, bad. That's bad. Yeah, I don't know about that one. I don't know about this one. But other than Hollyboob and Isis, I mean, how are you guys doing? How are you guys doing today? Oh, my God. How are you guys doing? How are you guys doing?
Ted, you got to get better at this podcasting thing. Schlatt is riling up an entire army. Dude, he's really digging into you today. This is what fucking happens. What did you do to him? This is what happens, Tengerman Nibison, when I get my protein powder and my pre-workout in the same drink. He's roided right now is what he is. I'm roided. I'm noided. I'm boarded up.
They call me Neuralink. All right. I've got extra RAM in here when I drink my supplements. Okay. And I already told you how I was doing, Ted. I told you I was doing terrible. Yeah. Okay. I can barely move right now. Yeah, I can tell. My bones are creaking. He's been trying to finish the curl of the Xbox controller this whole episode. This is what they call roid rage, I'm pretty sure, Charlie. Yes, it is. That's what I've been saying.
Big muscles, tiny dick. That's what I'm all about. I've got a challenge for you, Schlatt. You want to hear it? Are you prepared to hear it? I would like you to not do any leg workouts whatsoever. I want you to do all arms, chest, neck. I want you to be the skinniest leg motherfucker and just be so top heavy and muscly.
I can't. I would not be able to do that. I like legs too much. Legs are my favorite workout. What? They are.
They are. They're my favorite workout. I love legs. I can, I, I don't believe that. There's no way that's true. Believe it, Ted. Believe it. Legs are the favorite part of my day. Whenever I do legs, I categorically refuse to believe said thing. Why? Why? Why don't you believe me? If you talk to anyone who works out, it's like everyone talks about how they dread quote unquote leg day.
You're telling me that you wake up to me and in the morning and you're like, oh man, can't wait to make my, make it so I can barely walk for a good X amount of time. It means you're getting stronger. I love the pain. You're terrifying. You're a menace. Was that pre pre-workout protein shake? Mm hmm. Mm hmm.
Son of a bitch. Charlie, how did you work out at all? Remember that one time that I lifted you up and threw you across a rooftop? I do remember. And I crashed into... That was sick. Well, you would have crashed. You would have crashed if I didn't move around the rooftop faster than you were going and also catch you. Yeah, you're right. You're right. I'm remembering things wrong. And that was just one wrap. Yeah.
Yeah. There was this one day, I think it was at VidCon way back when, and we were walking to the convention and I was talking to someone and I think we were talking about how...
in shape you are and I know this sounds weird but we were like man Charlie's so in shape wow look at him go did you say it like that did you say it like that something along the lines of that I mean yeah we're kind of splitting hairs when we talk about that he said it like that and I was like Ted that's kind of a weird way to talk about our co-worker you know Ted Shlott's helping me see here today that you're really not a good guy let me get to my point here though and then Ted you know what Ted said Ted said oh I know
Ugh. But it feels too good. That's what he said. We should be the chuckle open face sandwich. Fuck this guy. You're gonna get rid of me? And then he showed me, Charlie, this picture of you flexing up against a mirror. Oh, my God.
And it was just so hot. That's an awesome one. It was just so hot. That's awesome. Wait, are you talking about the one that I have, me, the picture of me where I have the AirPods in? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh, is it the one where you're wearing the sleeveless shirt? Yeah, the one where I, the subject of the photo, am wearing a sleeveless shirt and I have my AirPods in that I have. Yep. Dude. Yeah. Yeah.
That's roid rage. Charlie never, never looked better. That is, it was you. It was you in the photo. I don't know why we keep talking about how much it was me. Cause it's weird. It's weird that we would talk about that considering it's a photo of me. It wasn't up for debate. And let, let, let me just, for the people at home, put it up on the screen editor. Yeah. For the audio listeners. That is Charlie. That is him.
There is no doubt in our minds that that is that book. It's him, and he's huge. For the audio listeners, picture you're me, flex, but then picture more.
I would like to see a hundred thousand edits of Charlie just looking roided out. I want photo shots of him. No, don't do that! Don't do that! I want him to be top heavy too. I want you to reduce the leg muscle mass. No, don't make me talk heavy. I did do a stream. I did do a stream where I really wanted subs and I ended up doing like 400 push-ups or something for subs. Wow. Wow, that is so excessive.
But yeah, that photo is uncanny. It's uncanny, Charlie, how much that photo looks like you.
Oh, no, it actually... It's super fucking weird, because I have, like, a pretty unique schnoz, to be honest. Oh, I know. We've seen it. My nose protrudes, right? Ted actually reached out to me... Where was this going? ...after we filmed the first episode of Chuckle Sandwich. Did he call me a witch? Is that what he did? He called me a witch again, or a hag? He might have. I've heard he said that. Yeah, and he said to me, hey, Schlatt, don't tell anybody this, but that Charles guy...
You seen the schnoz on him? I do call him Charles sometimes, which is funny. Which is why this is a completely credible claim. That makes it sound way more accurate than it is because this is slander. This is slander right now. Not slander. You said it to me. You said it to me. And then I went, oh!
I can't believe you'd say something like that about our co-worker. What is this podcast right now? This is Schlatt just going against me. You better find the eight pages, Ted, because he's fucking slander, man. That sucks. I'm going to recognize it, though. Very nice pun, Charlie. Thank you. I got to get one in every episode or else it doesn't count. We can't release it.
I realized on the last podcast I missed out. I don't know what happened, but I just didn't hear you say it. But you made this really funny joke about that marsupial, and you said, I don't want to go to that frat or something. That was a good one. That was a good one. Oh, yeah, Schlatt liked that one. For those of you on the podcast who are listening who are very upset about the situation, I would like to formally apologize for missing Charlie's joke. Ted likes to do this. He likes to make these formal apologies publicly before he shames and abuses us behind the scenes. Okay.
I know. I know. Immediately afterwards. You know what? You know what? We've started calling him behind the scenes, but don't tell Ted this. We call him Two-Faced Teddy because of how nicely he treats us on the outside, but then how poorly he treats us on the inside. And I just know, you could just tell that we're not lying because of the way Ted looks right now on camera. I mean, holy crap. You've seen the guy? Yeah, zoom in on him.
his face. I'm just flipping horizontally. Flip it vertically. You can see in the micro expressions, if you've ever studied the micro expressions, look at the skin points. The subtle twitch in his eyeball. I can see it. I can see it. I know it's there. That's the twitch of Two-Faced Teddy.
Two-Face Teddy. That's what we call him. This is fucking bullshit. I wouldn't be surprised if Two-Face Teddy was a serial killer. We're coming across on like the halfway point mark in the podcast where we have literally just been talking shit about Ted for 30 minutes.
Listen, man, you wouldn't be so out of control if you weren't just such a piece of shit to us, man. That's what I say. I am an innocent man just trying to make my way in the world. And I come in, I try to have a nice little podcast with my two pals, Charles and Jay Schlatt.
Shut up, Ted. I got a fucking gorilla lamp. You're a piece of shit. Right to my right. It's changing colors. Are we doing monkey lamp two? Are we actually going to do monkey lamp two? No, we're not. We're not going to do monkey lamp two again, but I'm just saying I have a gorilla lamp. It's been on in the shot and it's been changing colors. I have a donut neon sign. Does it change colors? It doesn't change colors, but pretty much every other LED in my place does.
I can change the color of my lighting. I'm gonna do that. Oh, do you know what I do have? Behind me in my streaming setup, I have a... At Target, I found a dinosaur, like a T-Rex head. It's a nightlight though. So I have a nightlight in my office.
So there's another piece of little, uh, that's a memo for you right there. You can make fun of me for having a nightlight. No, no, no, I'm not gonna make fun of you for having a nightlight. Oh, what the fuck? We're not gonna stoop to your level, Ted. Yeah, Ted. What is my level? Ted really just said, be as rude as I am to you, you know? You're a sick beast. You're like a feral hog running amok. A feral hog? Feral hog running around.
The West Coast. Amongst all the other feral hogs that live there. Oh, I know. That's all it is. That's all it is. It's just feral hogs in these zip-up, zip-up suits. Yep. Yep. I'm just at a loss for words at the level of true and out-of-control slander that has occurred on this secondary Chuckle Sandwich podcast. I can't see your webcam right now, but you're probably killing someone.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I kind of wish I was. And you know what, Charlie and Ted, if I could if I could say one thing that would that would help Ted's situation out a little bit. You know, you can do that. It will. I doubt it will. No, no, no. I think it'll I think it will. Ted, you know what you could do?
You can fucking cry about it, all right? You big baby. You fucking cry about it. How's that? Put that in your pipe and smoke it. This entire podcast is giving me flashbacks to, like, my childhood right now of, like, being the odd one out in a friend group. This is... I've only seen him cry one schlatt, and when I did, it was one tear, and the tear was black. Wow. Oh, my God.
That's crazy. Sorry. How you saw that. That's my demon inside. That's Osmodeus. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. That makes sense. He's screaming to come out. Well, I mean, that's all I really have to say. No, I won't do that. I won't kill them. What? Hmm?
Not looking forward to after this episode. I don't know if I'm going to be sticking around for much longer on the show here. I'm surprised that we made it to a second one, to be honest. Okay, okay. That actually segues us. That segues us perfectly into the topic that I brought up here in the chat. Yes. Which would we say, we've had a good run so far, best and worst Chuckle Sandwich episodes go right now. So far, if I had to say, probably this one for me, you know, this one is the best, I think Ted was about to say. No.
I think Ted was about to say that this one was the best episode. I think it's less about the best and worst and more about the truth. And Shalette, it's important we get it out there. I think it is. No more lies. What are you going to do? What are you going to do about it, Ted? Cry tar? You know, I just might. And I didn't know I'd find myself on the fake news episode of the chocolate sandwich podcast. That's how we know we've got him cornered. You got no facts and logic left, Ted. This is fake news purported.
By the Schlatt and Charlie mainstream media that's going on right now. Yeah, right. Yeah, right. Oh, yeah. No. Look, Ted, I mean, it's not our fault that we exposed you, okay? You had this coming. This is your comeuppance. It is beyond belief right now that Schlatt felt so bad about being absent from yesterday's recording that he spent an entire half an hour riling Charlie up,
and getting an entire set of false claims against me.
False claims. You know, it's weird. It's weird. I wasn't even thinking these things before the podcast, but the memories just started flooding back. Charlie, I think the biggest betrayal in this podcast so far has been from you. Because I remember when we were sitting in the call yesterday waiting for Schlatt, who never showed up, by the way. Yeah, because he's a hero, Ted. He's a hero. Sue me. I was shoveling my elderly neighbor's entire house. I'm going to say this once, and I'm not going to say it again.
The jury's out on that one, big boy. Oh, the jury's out? The jury's out? Who are these elderly neighbors? I got all the proof right in my hands right here. You can see they're bloody and battered. Probably because you got, you know what? I think that you have the opposite effect of a Disney princess where the wildlife doesn't befriend you. It attacks you. I think that that's what happened. I'm like a shitty King Midas. Schlatt has a rabies radius. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, all the animals in the local area that have rabies are just attracted to him. Just come at him. Wildlife don't get close to me. I shoot them. Okay, now you've got two conflicting narratives, man. Listen, are you the good guy or do you give the wildlife rabies and then shoot them? You gotta pick one. I think the moral of the story, Charlie, is that
There's a lot of gray between the black and white. Okay, which one? What does that even mean? I don't know. I really don't know. He's just speaking in riddles now. Ted, listen, man. This is a great opportunity. You got to switch the topic fast or he's going to pull me back in. Okay. And you're going to be fucked. Charlie, did I ever tell you the time? No, no, no. That Tenjiman Nivison II died.
walked up to me and said, I hate Charles Slimesicle. Oh, that reminds me of a time too. Oh, does it? Is it dredging up the old memory machine? He walked up to me and he pulled out a picture of you and he pulled out a little pocket lighter and he started burning it and just laughing in front of me. He just started laughing. Ted, what the hell has gotten into you? This is out of control. This is
I don't even know what to say at this point to you guys. SMH-ing my head right now, Ted. He pulled out one of your little U2s with like some pins in it and like stitches. And he said, I hope this works. And he ripped the arm off. He made a U2 doll? A U2 doll? I do not own any U2 dolls. A Voodoo's. A Voodoo's. Some U2's voodoo magic.
Oh, God. Yeah, you don't own it anymore because you burn it and then hit it with a car. Exactly. It's really weird that you did that. But, you know, I'm willing to put our differences aside. And, oh, my God, are there differences. I'm willing to put it all aside in the pursuit of making is just sucking as much money out of this podcast as possible. Yeah, we're supposed to make a lot of money from this. OK, we are we are poised. And I mean, holy, holy shit.
After everything, you know, Ted? Not sure if the three-way switch really got a work for Slat now. Charlie is the one that can't get past the fake claims of misdoing right now. Charlie, you're that. Really, Dunno, man. I just, you know, I thought I knew who you were, but in these last 30 minutes where Slat has said all of these things that are... It's pretty obvious that you've just been putting on this front with me for a long time. I think...
I think with my little brain. Yeah, that makes two of us. That makes two of us. Exactly. That me and Charlie's appearance on this podcast is worth more than Ted's. And so maybe we work out some kind of 40-40-20. Oh, I think that's a little messed up. You guys just show up. Maybe even a 50-30-20. Oh.
Oh, well, hang on, Ted. This is like the forced takeover of a business. One time Schlatt walked up to me with a picture of you. Oh. And he pulled out this lighter. Oh, did he? And he just set it on fire and he just started laughing. Wait a second. Like that maniacal laugh that he does every now and then? And I'm proud of it. That exact same laugh. Yeah. Wow. I'm proud of it. You know, now that I'm thinking about it. Okay, Schlatt. Now that I'm thinking about it.
Where was Schla yesterday for the podcast we were supposed to record? That is a very interesting point, Charlie. 50%. 50%. Let me raise you this right now and shut the fuck up, Schla, because I've got something to say. One time at a convention, and he pulled out your U2s, right? Yeah. And he said, haven't you ever seen anything in your life as ugly as this? And I said, Schla, that's a really rude thing to say about Charlie's U2s. I know he worked really hard on that. He's really proud of that. And he said, I don't give...
A dog's dam. And he threw it on the ground and he stomped on it. And then he maniacally laughed. Spit on it? Why do you do that? I'm laughing at that.
I'm laughing at that. I don't believe that laugh. I don't think that that laugh was true. Ted, Ted, I think we got to get this guy out of here, man. I don't trust this guy. We already signed the contract. It's mine. 50%. I never, I never signed a contract. I never signed anything. I like it how there's always like a contract like that, but there never is one. What do you mean? There never is one. I mean, I've signed it. That's how devils work. Yeah.
They're called verbal agreements. Verbal agreements. Yeah. They'll kill you. They'll kill you for sure. Speaking of killing, though, I've got a fun topic for you guys. A little segue, a little whoop, here we go. We're on another topic here. Perfect crime.
What do you mean? I honestly think it's already been... How would you commit? I think it's already been... I think Schlatt already committed it here on the show. He did. He committed a crime to my public outlook in a nifty... How long has it been? A nifty 36 minutes. Somehow, I've got the e-PDF. I've got it e-signed right here. Looks like somehow...
He has in the past retroactively changed the contract. Wow. How did he do that? 50%. I don't know. I did it. I did it. And Charlie's got 30 and Ted's got 20. Oh, my God. What a ruthless businessman at it again. Here's the thing, Ted. I mean, there's a reason why these claims will hurt you.
so much more than they'll hurt me the claims that have been levied against me in this podcast I haven't even been able to keep track of all of them I'm stopping this I'm stopping this let's take it back to the actual topic you pitched Ted because I dude I am just sorry for you at this point yes oh my god that's fair that's fair I'll move on no no no no no no no how would you commit the perfect crime let's establish together what is this crime is it murder is it theft is it arson I
I'd walk up to somebody, blow their brains out with my shotgun, and flip my driver's license down on the corpse. That just seems like a prison speed run. It really does, man. That doesn't seem like the perfect crime. In fact, I'd go as far to say that seems like the opposite, Schlatt. It seems like an open and shut case. The only thing that could possibly be faster is, I guess, a...
crashing your car into a jail cell? Yeah, I suppose. Straight from A to B. The cops show up. It's like, hey guys, I mean, I saved you the trouble. Yeah, but you also got to make sure that you run on the way to the prison. You go through like multiple speed traps just going 100 over the speed limit too. You're like throwing all your belongings out the window early, like switching into an already like existing prison suit. Clothes are flying up.
the window you're speeding right towards yourself yeah and then you get some you get some littering fines with that too by throwing your clothing out the window and then and then you when you're in death row you you come up with some some you know poignant message to say for your last words that it's
that's featured in like some tick tock and famous last words, you know? Yeah. You get, you get, you get your bowl of Mac and cheese and they go before they pull the lever on the chair, they go any last words. And then I, then I go something like, you know, it's the, yeah, you go, it's the Mac and cheese for me. And then you get your fucking head cut off. Yeah.
Why does this mac and cheese make me uncomfy in between those sparkle emojis? Yes. I love this dude, the sparkle emojis. Yeah, you were on some sparklies today, Schleit, with your tweet. Schleit tweeted today and he said...
What do you tweet today? I said, nothing gives me more serotonin than imagining my favorite content creators fucking each other in the ass. And then I replied again with the sparkles. It's the fucking each other in the ass for me. Never in my life would I think that something like that could get 206,000 likes on it.
In the first day. I mean, we're not even done. I mean, this is going to get so many more likes. Yeah. No, you got to think about the interest that this is going to generate. Exactly. Ted, I guarantee you there's a person listening right now that has imagined us in some context. Oh, don't editor. Having gay sex. Just get on this early. Um,
yeah, no, that's definitely disgusting. Just hot, sweaty, gay sex. Why, why do you get 50? Just, just beautiful. Can we readdress that? Can we, can we bring it back to that? Why did you get, you should get like, you should get two or three for this. Yeah. You should be in the single fucking digits, dude. I think that he should get the, uh, the crumbs from Charlie's granola bar in his back pocket for this. I completely agree. I,
I'm going to hand you a Ziploc bag full of like lint and granola. And that is what you are going to get. I'll tell you what's going to happen, Schlatt. What's going to happen? Because you've got your little rabies radius, we're going to exile you to somewhere in the north. All right. Not going to tell you where in the north. There's going to be a bag over your head. Fine. I'm no pussy, Ted. I'm not going to run away from the north like you did. Yeah.
This is what you're going to get, Schlatt. And this is going to be your payment for the podcast. Okay? You're going to get... You got your guns already. You're just going to get your monthly ammo allowance...
And a computer. And you're going to show up on the podcast and you can take care of the animals that come to kill you as you wish. Very, very low caliber. Yeah, .22s. Nothing is going to die in one shot. You're going to give me .22s? Yeah, you're going to get a fucking BB gun. Fucking shit. It's going to be especially fun when the rabies bears come, the grizzlies. And you're going to get two notes. One is going to say survive in blood. And the other one is going to say next podcast recording is on Monday. Yeah.
And you know what? And you know what? You put me in fucking Siberia with those two notes and I'll show up for the next one. Oh, so Ted, look, we found a way to get him to show up on time. Bye Sunday. I'll be back. This is great. We found a way. And then you know what I'll say? I'll say, hey, guys, sorry, I can't make it this time. I was stranded in Siberia. Okay.
And my bones kind of hurt. Stupid excuse. Stupid excuse. Him and his stupid bones. Shalott, have you considered, you know, not having bones? You know, ever considered that one? I've considered drinking milk, actually. And I do it quite often, unlike you.
What? Ted, for someone that calls himself the milkman, you drink a very small amount of milk. What are you talking about? Hang on, hang on. I am having a very tough time. I'm having a very tough time distinguishing fact from fiction right now. Ted, I'd like to turn it over to you. How much milk do you drink? Discuss. I have cereal. I bet he doesn't even drink milk once a day. Schlatt, listen, I know you wanted to fame him, but just give him one second. My...
Daily breakfast is cereal. Okay. I have it with milk and I also drink a variety of types of milk. I will admit that, but I do almost always have a half gallon of whole or 2% milk. Never 1%. Never skim. Wait, you have a half gallon of milk a day? No, not half. What are you talking about, Charlie? I don't know. I don't know. You just, who keeps just a half gallon? There is always an accessible half gallon container of
of milk in my fridge at any given time, not saying that I necessarily drink a
A half gallon of milk. But it's there in case someday, maybe. Okay, milkman. Fair assumption, I think. Sometimes, maybe, I might feel like I want to drink a half gallon of milk, Charlie. One day you're going to step two steps instead of one down the stairs and your shin's going to splinter. I have never broken a bone in my entire life. And you know what? I don't know if I can say the same for you or Schlatt. I haven't. I haven't. I haven't. I doubt that. I seriously doubt that.
I've broken a bone. Oh, Schlatt's broken a bone. I've broken a bone. Wow. I've broken a bone. But I will say this was very early in my life and I did not know how to think for myself. As if that's an excuse.
Well, I mean, come on. I'll tell you exactly how it happened, Ted. I mean, this is... What the fuck? You're bashing on people who don't know better now, Ted? Yep. This is some allegory of the cave bullshit, and you're on top. When it's coming to breaking bones. And you know what? You're holding the goddamn smoke signals. You don't need to tell me the story, man. It was Ted, wasn't it? It was Ted, yeah. Son of a bitch. We're getting back into this. So let me tell you how it happened. I was playing baseball.
I think I was out in the outfield, actually. I don't typically play the outfield. And that's how I knew the air was off. Something was wrong. The vibes in the baseball field were a little off. I usually played first base or I was pitching. So I was actually out in the outfield. I was playing center field. And then the pitcher...
It winds up, you know, kicks his leg up, throws the ball, and the batter swings. And oh my God, that ball is coming straight for me. It's a pop fly. It's just like I got to track it down. You know, I'm not too, I don't have that much experience in the outfield, right? I don't know what's going on in the outfield. Right.
So I try my best to track the ball down, but it's and, you know, you know, I catch it and then he's out and I throw it back. And then Ted Nivison fucking runs into the field with a baseball bat and fucking hits me with it, crushing all the bones in my hand. And there I go. I'm in a cast for seven weeks. And I would do it again. You motherfucker. It's disgusting. It's disgusting that you did that to me, Ted. It's disgusting.
Weird, weird how most of that story actually didn't matter in the end. Yeah. Yeah. It's incredible. It's incredible how I almost genuinely believe that this was a story about Schlatt breaking a bone in his body and it just turned out to be a ruse the entire time. No, I think so. So where it was going to go right is you just, it just, you tried to catch it and it broke your finger or something. Yeah. Uh, I actually had my, I actually was with the glove in my hand. Uh, I,
I put it out because there's a line drive straight at me and my thumb was kind of in the glove and it boom, right on my left thumb. I was in seventh grade. I was in, I was in seventh grade. Yeah. And it landed right on my dominant and it fucking crushed it. Um,
And it was so broken. Me and my dad, after the doubleheader, went to watch a Transformers movie with Shia LaBeouf, and it was okay. Oh, the first one? It all works out. We just got a cup of ice. My dad was like, hey, my son's thumb is probably broken right now, so can we just get a cup of ice that he can put it in, that he can put the thumb in while we watch Transformers? My son's thumb is a Transformer. While we don't do anything about his thumb.
Wait, so you went straight from the baseball game to the Transformers movie? There was no like, oh, let's get this checked out? No, no. Hey, man, when you got tickets, you got to make the show. Yeah, exactly. I mean, the show goes on. That's so funny. My mom went into labor with me while my dad and her were watching. It was like, was it 300 or was it some Spartan movie? And my dad wanted to stay. Yeah.
Dads are fucking awesome, dude. Dads are awesome. It wasn't 300, because 300 was 2006. It was some fucking Spartan movie. It was a Spartan movie? Yeah, I was like coming out, and he was like, no, this is the good part. Oh, man. Okay, unrelated, unrelated. You brought something up that I think I discussed on the first episode, but it brought me back to it, because we were talking about Breaking Bones.
I feel like I should have broken a bone by now. I think it's kind of lame that I haven't because I've flung myself around plenty of times and I'd like to also address... Yeah, you're a parkour kid, weren't you? One of my... Yeah, yeah, I was. And I definitely should have broken something from the amount of just like stupid shit and like...
I absolutely love being launched at high speeds without consequences. Okay, so you said this last time. If I had a superpower, it would be to become indestructible from where I jumped until I was done bouncing on the ground when I landed. Okay, Schlatt, do you remember that Charlie said something very similar to this last time? And we said that we would get back to it, but we never did.
I don't remember. Because I genuinely believe this. Like, the reason parkour is so fun to me as well is because you obviously get very good at, like, absorbing stuff and sort of moving your momentum around. But when you got, like...
When you're in like a gym and it's like spring floor and all this foam shit, there's nothing more fun than just stacking up a bunch of blocks, looking at it and being like, I hope I can get over this. And then you just fucking send it and like maybe do, but most of the time not. And it's very, very funny. I will say that one of the most valued birthday parties to go to as a kid, as far as I remember,
Was the ones that happened at the gymnastics gym. Do you guys ever go to any of those? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because specifically...
Because of the foam pit. The foam pit is like the number one kid dream because of exactly what you're saying of being able to fall from or do stupid shit like do flips or whatever the fuck stuff that you can't normally do on hard ground without any consequences whatsoever. I will say every time I fall into a foam pit, like the amount of effort required to get out always makes me think like, ah, this is it.
I'm going in. I'm going into like the foam abyss, like the pocket dimension beneath every foam pit, which I believe is definitely there, right? Like that's not just me. Yeah. If you go deep enough. You'll wind up in the end. You'll be fighting the ender dragon. You go too far down there. You'll fight the ender dragon. Yeah. It just opens up into an abyss and then all of a sudden you're in Minecraft. I love this. Exactly, dude.
Okay, for real. You are a sick fuck. If you try to get to the bottom of a foam pit, there is something wrong with your brain. Because there's definitely a presence down there. Well, I'll tell you one thing. In the most realistic sense, there's probably a bunch of... Or needles or disease.
Definitely disease because the amount of like gross kids. Yep, yep, yep. Foam pits are so, foam pits are disgusting. If there's anything we've learned from coronavirus, it's this people are gross and kids are the grossest. And I think that a foam pit, you know, you probably got-
food down there, rotting food, maybe. Stop, stop. Oh my God, this is making it awful. Fucking pencils that you could land on, maybe. Pencils, graphite. Yeah, fucking. Ted Nevison's down there. He fucking grabs you by the ankle. You know, this is.
This reminds me of one time. This reminds me of one time. I was practicing. I was first learning how to do a flip. And now I'm terrified to do it because I jump in and I actually land it for the first time in my life. And I cheer and I put my hands up and I kind of like go in straight and something grabs my leg. And I look down and it's Ted.
I had a feeling that this was, that was, it was working towards that. Man, I'm a real, I'm a real piece of shit. I'm not done. I'm not done. I kick his hand off and I, and I, and I swim and I struggle all the while he's, he's laughing beneath me. And I, and I finally get to the edge and I take my coach's hand and he grabs me and I pull myself up and I look my coach in the eyes and it's Ted Nivison. And then he breaks my hand. No, I was also your coach.
Yeah. Such a, so bad. So such a bad guy. He's not a good guy. He's awful guy. Awful guy. You know, I know that Twitter gets this wrong a lot.
But this is at this point, this is definitely gaslighting. OK, OK, hang on. I want to get back into where we started with this, which is, is this not a similar feeling to experience being launched at high speeds without repercussion is something that is so much fucking fun. I've never done that. I got to say, I've never launched myself. I have one. I have one. OK, those inflatable race courses, you know, the ones that you like dive through and jump around. Yeah. OK, that shit. You don't know these like at like birthday parties or something. Is this?
Inflatable race courses? Okay, Schlatt, imagine a bouncy castle, but it is an obstacle course. It's the same concept and operates the same way as a bouncy castle, but it is an obstacle course. Is it in a building? Is it a blow-up thing? I'm going to put a picture of it in the...
In the chat so you can maybe get a visual, because I think you would know what these are. Okay, please, yeah. Yeah. You sound like worried about this. I'm just worried. Maybe I wasn't invited to... Oh, yeah, I know what that is. Yeah, you know what this is. Okay, those are really fucking fun to me, because since everything doesn't hurt and your goal is to go as fast as you can, it's the rush that I've been looking for my whole life. Do you know what I'm imagining now, post-corona?
Charlie just frothing at the mouth, running through the summer streets, looking for birthday parties of small kids, just trying to have a good birthday party for their kid. All of a sudden comes out of nowhere. Clear the way, everyone. Clear the way. I'm coming. I'm getting the pee.
Charlie is sprinting full speed going Here's the trick with the slide here's the trick with the slide is what you do you get to the top and then you kick off and you just want to flip over because if you get up there and slide you're losing time yeah, so what you want to do is just launch yourself and then just tuck into a ball that's what you want to do just he's just going through as fast as possible he sees a kid he just fucking
like fucking clotheslines them. I like, I take him. I like crunch him up and put them in the tube. So we like can't expand and get out. Wait, wait, what? You turned the kid into a fucking pretzel? Maybe we should talk about that. Yeah, let's, let's address this. You know that the tubes you dive in at the front, right? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, if you're curled up like upright in those tubes, you can't stand up.
I would know because I've gone through a lot of these because I really like going fast without consequences. Dude, you are such a fucking problem child. After the last two episodes, you know, getting stung, getting chased by raccoons, getting stuck in a tube in an inflatable course. I love this shit, dude. You're wild, weren't you? He's wild.
The one thing that I can't get into is tricking and, like, free running. Like, that shit is so fucking scary to me. Even though I love... Doing flips and... It just seems like needless... Well, the difference between parkour and tricking and free running, the difference is parkour is basically the philosophy is point A to point B as fast as you can. At a base level. It actually evolved from, like, military obstacle course training was where parkour was originated. Really? I thought it was, like...
fucking French people doing shit on the rooftops or something like that. That's where it went eventually. But tricking is like whenever you look up a parkour. Oh, yeah. So free running is like the same thing, but with flips and tricking is just the flips. Tricking is just like crazy shit, flipping around, doing all sorts of nuts stuff. Not so much about that because to me it just feels like
I'm just going to break my skull open, um, at any given moment. Whereas parkour, at least, uh, most of the time you get to keep your head above your feet, which is nice. Yeah. You're not upside down. Yeah. As you jump from building to building. Dude, even like, so Kong, like a Kong vault is where you need to get your feet above your head. You basically turn into a fucking torpedo over something, uh, and like Kong over it. Um,
Even that, that was like a really hard one for me to get because you need to, like the feeling that you get when you put your feet above your head and you're moving very fast is really scary. And a lot of people don't enjoy that. I can imagine. Yeah.
I will say that when I was younger, I did do – there's like this local like sports, indoor sports area thing and they ran classes. And at one point, I was able to do a parkour class. So I did do – I was interested in parkour for a little bit of my life. So for some time, I think when you say that torpedo thing you were talking about, that's like when you're say running towards like a – I don't know, a fucking –
picnic table like a picnic table yeah picnic table is perfect everyone does it on picnic tables you dive first and then essentially your legs go up you hit with your hands to send your legs back down and then you catch yourself with your legs you catch yourself with your legs
Well, so like, so like if you picture you're like, you're, you're sort of this fulcrum and your legs are moving up and then you like, you, you push against the table in a way that switches the fulcrum momentum and you move your legs down. Right. I was imagining in my head when you said catch yourself with your legs that like you end it by looking like you're about to do a cannonball or some bullshit. You just turn into a ball and just eat shit. Yeah, like just jump over, pick the table and curl into a ball and then just roll and turn into fucking monkey ball. All right. That would be actually a prime way for me to break my first bone. Yeah.
Yeah, it would be definitely a respectable way too. And then if you manage to do it without sustaining any major injuries, then Ted just shows up with a baseball bat and finishes the fucking job. And make sure that I do. Oh, Dash Vault...
Dash vault is a really hard one for people too. That's the, that's the feet first one. I've done that one before. Yeah. It's a little, it's a little fucky because you need to get a lot of air if you want to do something like that. Cause you do, you do. And it's hard if you're doing it outside. Cause you're like, I'm going to fucking hit my feet against this and then fall down and it's going to suck. But, but if you were good at it, you know, I, you know, I did basketball and stuff when I was younger and stuff, but I've never really been able to jump that high.
um and i'm a big dude so i feel like parkour just wasn't really for me i feel like parkour works better when you're one of those people that are a bit small on the smaller side in terms of height but you can jump really high but you're springy yeah springy no it's it it depends um you know you don't need to jump high for a lot of a lot of stuff uh because a lot of stuff you can you can kick off and be okay you know yeah god damn
You're fantastic, Charlie. Hey, listen, man. I like this stuff a lot, so I ended up going on a big tangent about it. We're all just so great here. I'm sorry. Yeah, Schlatt and I are. We're great people. And then there's Ted also.
Ted, don't give us that look. I know the look you're giving, and it's just that stereotypical Ted Nivison, oh, that's all folks look. I recognize, and I recognize this look because he said the same thing to me. That's all folks. What does that mean? What does that all folks mean? What type of face is that? That's the line Ted delivers before he kills his victims. That's all folks. It is. That's the last thing you'll ever hear. Yeah.
Definitely terrifying. I'd do it like the pig from the Looney Tunes. Exactly. That's all, folks. Oh, man, that is terrifying. And I wear a pig mask, too, like it's a fucking purge. Oh, so that's who that was. You ran into me on the street or something while I was in the middle of my murder? No.
I'm wondering what the response is going to be. Next episode? All right, how about this? Next episode, we can do me, and then the one after that, we can do Schlatt. We can slander us all in order. You know, I think that this podcast began with it intending to slander Schlatt, but he did a masterful job of just turning that around and getting Charlie on his side, and I'm pissed off about it. Let me tell you. This is how it works.
Hey, Ted, maybe if you weren't such a reckless, dangerous, and problematic person, it wouldn't have gone down like this. Holy shit, man. This is ridiculous. So I will see you guys in the skies, launching myself at the highest speeds I can maintain. This has been the Chuckle Sandwich Party. Thanks for coming. And we'll Sam you later. See ya around, baby. Zinger.