SwaggerSouls Grand Return!
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Where is he? It's been like 45 minutes. I know. I know, dude. It's every single time. I know it's been 45 minutes. Yeah, I love talking to you. I love hanging out. I know. I love talking to you too, man. I had to wake up at 7 in the morning for the show. I know. And that's what I don't really understand about Ted. We're not respecting people's time. We have people on the other side of the world now who have gotten up and Ted still can't do it. Man...

I guess we could do it without him, but... We could, dude. But here's the thing. You want to know something funny? There was a time in Chuckle Sandwich history where we were considering you to be another member of the podcast. Remember? When you did that guest episode? And then we were like, oh, we can't find anyone else, so we brought you back. I remember that. People were asking for him, man. So maybe we switch it out. I don't know. Without Ted here, it is just kind of... A little too based. I don't know. I feel like...

I feel like it's a little too right wing right now. I don't know, man. I feel like it would just be nice if Ted were here. I know. Ah! Ah!

Well, well, what do we have here? What do we have here? Why have I never filled in on this? Like actually never filled in. I don't know. You don't seem interested. You're right. I know you're right. But at the same time, it would probably help the entire show if I knew what was going on. I think if you want to be in the loop, the next succession is Ted has to be at your house. Oh.

Oh, no. I'm okay. That's true. Maybe I'll show up in the background. After the initial fright, it's pretty fun having this guy here in person. Yeah, dude. I'm just chilling here. Is he a fun guy in person? I feel like he's overbearing and annoying. I don't know. He did materialize out of thin air. Yeah, I did. I did. But it's a nice little party trick.

Yeah. It's something unique. You guys look like a little, little brothers up there. Look at this. Yeah. So cute. He's totally in sync. Yeah. Yeah. We're operating off of his little tiny, tiny Logitech C nine 20 right now. Yeah. It's really, it's very, it's 10 ADP. It's, it's,

It's high definition. Hey, I made history with that C920. You sure did. I made a lot of money off that thing. That thing paid for itself. Oh, is that where the funny mic comes from? Yeah, that was the funny mic. Oh, no shit. Yeah, that was the one. Wow. That was the one. I had no idea I was even in possession of it. You did. You had the funny mic all this time. I had it. You had no idea.

All you got to do is bump up the volume to like 100% on Windows and then it just completely blows it out. Yeah, just a smidge. Yeah. I've never been one to like invest in a good webcam for some reason. No? No.

No. Yeah. Well, I mean, you don't really show much of your face, so it's not like there's much the audience is missing. Not as like an offensive thing. No, I'm not. It wasn't meant to be offensive. I'm just saying, you know, I'm looking at a black cloth right now. You know, when I showed up, you know, he didn't have all this get up on, but it was literally just skin. Yeah. Really? There's nothing there. Yeah.

Yeah, no, it was like... This is just a bump. There's not even any nostrils. Really? That's why I sound so nasally all the time. It's like worse than Voldemort. It's really something else. It's something to behold. What about the mouth? Because I see his thing moving a little bit. There's like little holes. It's like a web. Yeah. A web of skin. Yeah. Web. Yeah, that and it's like... It's between that and sort of a mixture of like telepathic communication. Yeah, I'm just beaming.

You've got Bluetooth in there is what you're saying. Absolutely, yes. I just don't know how he ended up like this. I think he maybe fell into a vat of some sort of fluid. Ted, you're staying very composed for someone standing right next to this guy. Oh, yeah, but my hands are like this. I'm terrified.

Well, welcome Swagger Souls to the pod. This is big. You're back for like the umpteenth time. Yeah. What is this? My third? My fourth? This has got to be your fifth. Probably fifth. Probably fifth. That's pretty good. Whenever me and Ted are like, man, we really have no idea what to do. We're just like, let's bring Swagger back on. He's always good for it. Time to bring in the big guns here to entertain. Yeah. Wait, can I try something real quick? Yeah, no, go nice. What if we did this? Oh, we did a little bit of that? Oh.

Oh, shit. Will that stay up if I... This guy went to fucking college for productionary skills. There we go. That's fucking sweet. He got a degree, man. He's the only one here with a degree. You'll never even know that I spent a solid hour cleaning crust off of this microphone so that he wouldn't notice. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and there's a little...

yeah imagine it's just like those are the person being faceless man you never even have to turn the camera on you can live in a complete pigsty yeah it's true i was literally you should have seen it man you should have seen it wait time out i see something right now you asshole did you take the monkey statue

You nabbed that fucking idea from... Are you two positioned in the perfect way? What are you talking about? Okay, let's not beat around this fucking bush, Swagger Souls. The first episode of Chuckle Sandwich was me with that fucking thing. No! Yes! I think you misremembered. It was the first episode. I've been on this podcast at least five times. I think I remember. Look!

bro. That's the same thing. It's not the same thing. It's the exact same thing. No, that's a hundred percent. The same. No, yours is yours. You're sitting down. Mine is standing up. I'm, I know he's standing up. I'm saying it's the exact same idea, man. I,

What do you mean idea? I will say something though, Shalette. This one does look a little bit more inspirational. Yeah. Oh, I know. He's looking up. That's like he's discovered light for the first time. That's great. It literally looks like he's looking at it too. He's like, what the fuck is this? Ted also got a sneak peek of the bigger monkey that's in the garage sitting in a fucking crate. He still has it and it's in the garage in a crate. Literally sitting there gathering dust. For the viewers at home who may not know,

I'm in possession of a 350-kilogram solid bronze statue of a monkey with giant nuts. Yeah, and there's like spiders creating their home in there. Really? Spiders, roaches, fucking any bugs that can get in there. That's awesome. And claim a bit of their kingdom. I think that I saw them worshipping like there was a bit of worship going on. I saw a little circle around the nuts. You literally did, Runtalker. I assume.

No, no, that's mine, Tucker. That's the one I have. That is the same one I have, except it's bigger and not on a table. You just don't have the table. Well, I've got the table. It's literally that. It's that without the table. Yeah. I mean, I literally have that with the table. So I think mine is cooler. Yeah, but I could just buy a table. My question is, why the table? Yeah, how do you even get it on the table? It's so heavy. I haven't figured that out yet.

So you just have the table and the- So, like yours, like your swagger, mine is still rotting in a garage somewhere. Yeah, it's like the most inconvenient way. It's so inconvenient, bro. It's so fucking inconvenient. I was talked into it. I was literally talked into it. It'll be such a good idea. We could do so much with it. It's been sitting in a crate. A crate the size of a room.

And we're just like, how the fuck am I supposed to like pull this out myself? I can't even, I can't move it. No, it's heavy. I can't move it. And I don't want to take it out of the fucking crate. Cause as soon as I do, there's no, it's a Pandora's box. Yeah. You can't put it back in. No. Yeah. No, it's, it's, it's a, it's a nice crate too, to be fair. Oh, it's beautiful. It's one of those, one of those ones. Straight from Italy. Yeah.

I have a painting of it in the back right here. I mean, I look at this fucking thing every day and the thing is just still sitting in the garage. It's kind of sad. It is kind of sad. One day, hey, one day, it's been almost three years, you know? Yeah, just about three years. Since I had that piece of shit, every time I move house, I have to pay like an extra $750 to some person.

They come with a fucking pallet jack to fucking put it into a truck. Do you need a forklift for yours? Because I need a forklift for mine. They need a pallet jack. They bring in a fucking motorized pallet jack. Yep. But every time they come and they're like, oh, we need to move a crate. And they go, what the fuck is in here? And I go, yeah, just look, man. You're not going to believe me. Yeah, pure inside.

See what's been haunting me for the past three years. Yeah, exactly. And then they're like, why the fuck do you have this? What is it for? And I usually say like, oh yeah, I'm an artist, exhibitionist. I'm planning on donating it to the Melbourne Zoo. Exhibitionist. Yeah. I show my cock and balls.

You and the monkey. Yeah, me and the monkey. You know what? And it's funny because it really is majestic when you look at it. And I've never seen it in person outside of that box. No, I've only ever peered inside and looked at the gold. I just feel like the day we get it out, you know, we'll both have it on display. I feel like that'll be a good day for both of us. I feel the same way. But where? You know, like that's a very permanent thing.

It's the thing. I feel like you need to buy a house to fucking uncreate it. You know what I think my favorite thing about this whole monkey ball scenario is? Is that I feel like it's just born from Schlatt's tendency to browse eBay and sites like that. I feel like that's how you spend half of your time. Schlatt recently sent me a link to an eBay listing for this nice little miniature redstone

sort of replica of the Red Sox in Fenway Park. And he was like, this would be a good gift because my dad's a seasoned ticket holder for the Red Sox. And then you sent it to me. Well, I sent it to you when I had

I had, cause I bought it for my dad for his little late birthday gift. And I was like, that's what this would be. This is the great, uh, Oh, great little gift thing. The greatest gift on these websites. Looking at rare. I peruse. I peruse. I browse. How else are you supposed to find diamonds in the rough? If you don't spend all day sifting through the rough, you know, you're not going to get that needle unless you're swimming in that. Hey, exactly. I'm a, I smell of grain. Hmm. Hmm.

of buckwheat and barley. Oh, yeah. And he's fermenting. He's about to turn into a nice little vat of alcohol. You're going to get a little ergite. I'm going to trip sack on you. Possibly die. Now, Swagger, have we ever had you on while Tucker's on the show? I don't think so.

I think maybe last... Not with him on camera. No. Not with him on camera. Him in the background listening in like the NSA, but never on camera. Yeah. Now he's been upgraded to a camera boy. I love that. He's in his fashion era. Tucker, wave to the audience. Have it all just be you. The entire frame is you right now. You wave to the audience. Wave a little bit longer. Okay. There you go. Bro's got like a Sherpa. He's got a shacket on right now. Oh, yeah. This looks insanely comfortable. It's so comfortable.

So you know how I've been in my fashion era. This is actually what Tucker's wearing right now. I know, man. It's one of the items that when I was visiting him for the Eclipse, because last time I was sharing a camera with someone, I was sitting right there next to Tucker. That's pretty good. And we had to go out. We were going out to like an arcade bar and we needed like proper jackets and Tucker couldn't figure out what he wanted to wear. And I was like, well, you can wear what I got here. And Tucker put it on and he was like,

He put it on, looked himself in the mirror and was like, I can't white people wear this. This makes you look huge, dude. Oh, yeah? You had to tell Muscular it. I was going to say, Tucker, have you been working out? Well, yeah, but this thing fucking works out for you. It's like a Roblox character with how big his fucking torso is. You got lats fucking out to here with this thing. Tucker, stand up and give us a 360. I got basketball shorts on that are older than probably half our audience, but...

But yeah, dude this thing really good this thing's yeah, that's great. It's comfortable too, isn't oh it's beautiful pretty good all right now turn around okay, so

There you go. Yeah, all right. All right. There you go. Yeah. He's looking good. That's good. He's lovely to death. Tucker looks great. Oh, the bracelet's still, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, dude. He is. What bracelet is that? Ask the guy sitting next to you. Is that like a Victoria's Secret? No, it's a Theodore secret, actually. Oh, Teddy's. I love him. I bought it at like a...

Don't ruin the magic, Ted. Don't ruin the magic. Sorry. Sorry. I don't want to know where you got it. It was a priceless heirloom. It is an heirloom now. My firstborn daughter will be wearing this. What? Damn. What? That doesn't make any sense. Why not? Denied.

No. Your request has been denied by the Marine Corps. No. You know what's funny? None of us are into watches. I feel like there's a void that needs to be filled. Yeah, I've got an Apple watch on right now, but I always forget to charge it, so it's just off. Yeah.

Yeah. Is yours also off? Your Apple Watch is just off? Oh, yours works. It works. It's terribly broken and, like, scratched up. Yeah, mine's just, like, out of battery, and it's been out of battery for, like, two weeks. So you're just wearing a piece of plastic with black screen. No, it's technically a mirror on his wrist whenever he wants to make sure he's looking good. That's true, actually, yeah. Very dark mirror, yeah.

Yeah. We need to get into like Rolexes or something. You know, we need like, we all need to drop, I think, 20 racks on a watch. Everyone who I've met that has a Rolex that brought it to the hand of a Rolex is also really insecure. Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Yeah, Slap, maybe you should get one.

It feels like the icing on my cake. Schlatt, you're too secure. You seem like you have your life too well together. You need to get yourself a $200,000 Rolex to wear. Yeah, I think I need a Hublot or a Philip Patek.

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We'll be right back.

I think people should stop wearing Rolexes and start wearing Yu-Gi-Oh! like dual. The thing that they wear on their arm, the dual. What the hell is it called?

The Duel Master? The Duel Master. Yeah, we both said Duel Master. Yeah, the Master Duel. What's the Yu-Gi-Oh arm thing or something like that? Yeah, what the fuck is the thing that you put on your arm and all the bitches go up to you in middle school?

Yeah, what is that? Yeah, it's that thing. That's way lamer, though. You bring that, you pull that shit out instead of a Rolex? Whoa. That guy's got the Thanos one. Yeah, what the fuck? Man, that would have taken Thanos' cool level down by a punch. Like, imagine Thanos, he gets all the Infinity Stones. That is, that's literally me rocking up in fucking seventh grade asking the girls if they've ever seen an Exodia piece. I remember, you know, out of all the things from, like,

my childhood when I was a kid. I was like, I didn't know much about Yu-Gi-Oh, but I did know if you got all the pieces of this fucking hulked out pharaoh, then you were cool. $110, you might as well be a Rolex. Bigger number, just better card. That's all you need to know for Yu-Gi-Oh, right? Unless you got Pot of Greed. That's a good card. Pot of Greed. Pot of Greed. I collected those fucking things like bubble gum.

but I never actually dueled anybody in Yu-Gi-Oh. That's the fucked up thing. Ooh, that was the best part. I never, like, I never learned. We had this shit in middle school? No. Where it was like, if you lost your Yu-Gi-Oh duel, you would have to give up the deck that you played with. Dude, I think I would have gotten the shit

kicked out of me. Wait, is that how you guys were doing it? I saw we were doing it, but I don't think that's how you're supposed to. That's fucking hardcore mode Yu-Gi-Oh right there. It was basically like the sixth graders taking advantage of the stupid third graders and stealing their cards. You played for pink slips. Yeah, legit.

Like racing a fucking car for the... That's awesome. I had a great deck for like a week. Dude, Yu-Gi-Oh, I was into that in elementary school, maybe. Yeah. I feel like middle schoolers would have beat the shit out of you if you came to school with Blue Eyes White Dragon. Oh, I lost my deck like first year in middle school. So I was done with that like immediately. Those are expensive motherfuckers still. You lost it that quickly? Yeah.

There were some good players, man. There were some hawks, I tell you. Some big fish. And the rich only get richer in that game. There were some sharks. New kid rolls up to school. The hawks are circling. I was a little fish. I had one dark magician. Oh. Yeah. There's nothing. A dark magician, yeah. That's not enough. You need more. You need more than that. I do need more. Blue eyes, white dragon. Yeah.

Yeah, I think half, most of the charm of having those cards in when you were a kid, though, was like just how cool the art was. Yeah. You know what I mean? You know, flexing. You flex on your friends. Look, I have a shiny Charizard. Yeah, you're just tossing dragons at them and stuff. It's like, mine's the cooler one, though. Your card surely can't beat mine because the art is cooler. It's like, um, I'm pretty...

I'm pretty sure my dragon is cooler. You're gay. Yeah. It was basically how, it was basically what, that was middle school. Oh yeah. That was basically middle school. Yeah. Yeah. And then you kissed, you know. And then you, and then you kissed. Yeah. A loser had to give the winner a big kiss. A big sloppy kiss. On the cheek. Yeah. But it's okay. It was, you know. That's fun. No, that's like, even if you lose, you win.

It's a consolation prize. Yeah. A bittersweet victory. It's like a participation trophy almost. Swagger, what's been going on with you, man? I mean, I feel like you've... Yeah, what's been going on with you, Swagger? What's up with you, man? You don't hit me up no more. I hit you up all the time. We were playing...

We're playing. Yeah, we're going to get back into the Minecraft thing. We've been talking about Minecraft discussion on Chuckle. Yeah, we've been talking about the SDM. Oh, have you? Yeah. No, I haven't been on for like the last week. I've been really busy just like working on a bunch of stuff in preparation for kind of like an event this weekend in Melbourne called DreamHack. You've got an event?

Yeah, I got an event. I'm going to be there. He's going to be there. He's going to be there. I'm going to be hanging out. I'm going to be speaking in my Australian accent. How's it going, cunt? Why, mate? How you going? Yeah, not bad, eh? Yeah.

You're good at it. Yeah, thanks. That's like the fucking deep, slimy, bogey accent, though. How you fucking going, cunt? Oi, mate, how you fucking going? How you fucking going, cunt? Oi, mate, you want to hit up some Nando's? I'm trying to get a fucking cheeky Nando's with a fucking Mrs. Cunt. Oi, mate, I'm trying to get a ham and cheese toastie.

Give me my ham and cheese. Nando's had to be the fucking worst fast food I've ever eaten in Australia. It was dry as fuck. It was disgusting. No, no. Dry as fuck. No, no. You went to the wrong spot, man. Nando's pretty good. That's all I'm saying. Look at Dr. Schist googling Nando's. Real bad. Real bad. Let me tell you what was good. Subway was good.

You went to Subway in Australia? Yeah. It's not really... Oh, there's Subways everywhere, Tucker. There's like 36,000 Subways. The Subway has the most locations of any restaurant in the world. But what country is it best in? That's a good question. Maybe that's a video you should work on. There you go. You're the YouTuber now, Tucker. You better start making that. You travel the world to find the best Subway location. That's a good idea. Swagger, we need to find... Never mind. Okay.

Gotcha. The Minecraft has been fun. We've got a meet and greet on at DreamHack, so I haven't been on the last week. Oh, you're doing an SDMP meet and greet? No, no, it's one at DreamHack. We're doing an actual in-person meet and greet on Sunday. For the SDMP? Not for the SDMP. For you and Selma, the Australian members. The premier members of the SDMP. Yes. Okay.

So, Schlatt, now that I'm out here in Australia, do you have any... Since you've been here before, I missed out on the original Australia trip way back when. So I need to know what I'm supposed to check out while I'm here. Fuck, bro. That was in 2019. I took a picture of it, and I meant to message it to you, and we can put it up on screen, and I'll send it immediately after the pod. But I was at a grocery store, and I saw Shapes.

I don't like shapes, okay? And so you've gotten a rise out of Swagger as well. I think he's leaving. Grab some shapes. You want some shapes? Yeah, I want shapes. Yeah, I'll be right back. Here, hang on. Grab some shapes. He's going to get me shapes. Oh, fuck. He's going to get me shapes. See, I thought me and Swagger were on the same wavelength here about not liking shapes. Yeah, I honestly thought so, too. I thought he was, like, leaving the podcast at that moment. I thought you had insulted him. You had insulted him. Yeah, no, I was like, what did I do wrong? I was getting nervous. Yeah, no, shapes...

Shapes suck. But they're shapes. How can you have a problem with a shape? I know, I know. They're shapes. I get it. Every shape is a different flavor and every flavor is a new shape. But at the same time, man, like, where are the fucking goldfish? Where are the actual... Oh, my God. Okay, you're sweetening the deal a little bit. We got bean in here? Okay. Oh, no.

You're telling me, Schlatt, that you... Hey, that's a smushed cat. So, Schlatt, you're telling me that you don't believe that wrap snacks are a thing, but you believe in the flavor mini chicken crimpy? Yeah, I fucking

it i said that shit before you even turn the bag around dude you can't forget the fucking bag of chicken crimpy when you see it five years ago they're not bad okay chicken crimpy let me tell you chicken crimpy was actually okay because it's a unique flavor that we don't really have in the united states yes we do this is this is um chicken and biscuit yeah this tastes like chicken and biscuit what

Chicken in a biscuit. That's not a chip flavor here. That's not a flavor. No, that's too niche. You go to any grocery store. I'm guarantee you, Tucker and Schlapp. You go to any normal grocery store. Not like in fucking Aldi. You're not going to find it at Aldi. It's like chicken salt. Yeah, I'm calling you out on Aldi. Oh, Tucker, they have Aldi here, by the way.

Yeah, that's not a U.S. brand. Look, I'm telling you right now, when you have things like Goldfish and Oreos and Captain Crunch in the United States, you don't need to fucking resort to chicken crimpy. Okay, so no, I've never tasted an American chicken crimpy flavor before. Chicken sauce. You go to any grocery store, you walk down the snack aisle or whatever, you see a blue box. It's got a little chicken on it, and it says chicken and biscuit.

No, I'm not going to do that. You're going to start seeing it everywhere. Tucker, look it up. Chicken and biscuit. I believe you. We just have better flavors. Chicken and biscuit, yeah. This is like a meal. No, that's B-I-S-K-I-T. What is wrong with you? There it is.

Okay. You don't know how to spell biscuit, Tucker? That is absurd. If you think I'm reaching for that box in an American supermarket, you are off your rocker. You're telling me you wouldn't have a chicken biscuit with some easy cheese on top? If you reach for that box in an American supermarket, I'm sorry. I have some easy cheese. We don't need this flavor in the United States. In a biscuit, you can get that in Australia.

We don't need that flavor in the United States. You can get that at the place right down the road. Look, but I'll say, I'll say, Chicken Crumpy, not bad. Not bad. And the other one I like a lot. If you like Chicken Crumpy, you're going to like Chicken in a Biscuit. I know, but I'm saying we have like Goldfish and better snacks. But...

The other one I liked was the pizza shapes. Pizza shapes are pretty good. Pizza shapes are pretty good. I remember when I was there in 2019. Pretty based. I'm going to try the pizza shapes. If there's any in there. Yeah, of course.

I remember when I was there in 2019, all we had were Shapes and GamerSups, and that's what I lived off of for two weeks. Can you pass me my GamerSups, please? Oh, yeah. Oh, man. What flavor are you rocking right now, Swagger? Give me a second. Let me look at this. He's just admiring the cup. Dude, this one. Oh, shit. That one's a good one. That one's a good one.

Oh, wait. That's a Swagger with tits. That's me with tits. You drink out of your own cup, dude. Wow. I have a couple of them. I have like 20 cups you choose. I figure this would be the most on-brand one for today. Dude, you've got some fucking cannons, man. I got some huge cannons. I got some massive Miami Milkers. Hey, you know, I hear the cannons sell better. I hear they really do. They do. They do sell better. You can use code SWAGGER if you so desire. But you can also use code SHLAT. You can use code SHLAT.

I just feel like one might be better. To answer your question, I'm sipping on some raw meat. Sipping on some of Meat Canyon's new flavor. Raw meat. Okay. Yeah, raw meat. These kind of taste like the pizza goldfish. These are like pizza goldfish. Yeah. Yeah. So shapes are like they're goldfish.

Yeah, kind of. You guys don't have goldfish? No. Hell no. They're invasive, actually. Okay, that's crazy that you don't have goldfish. I like too much red 40 in them. They're invasive. The whole ecosystem would fall apart. Yeah, because they would take over. I just don't understand. You don't have no Chex Mix? We have a Cheezels.

Yeah, you remember... You've had Cheezels, man. You were sticking them on your fingers and shit. No. Those are Bugles. No, those are Cheezels. What the fuck is a Cheezel? I don't remember this. It's like... It's a Cheeto. We already have a finger food that you put on your fingers. They're called Bugles, dude. Yeah, but those are for like the little witch things. These are like rings. I'll tell you what. Last time I heard the word Cheezel was when...

That's a weird... Dude, oh, man. That's when I was on the fucking road trip across the country with one of my...

roommates from the past Ross and we went to, and we had my cousin via some weed in Colorado and they brought up a strain that was called chisel. Oh, strange cheese and diesel together. Yeah. Oh, definitely talk about that on the pod. I love how you said chisel back then. Yeah. Chisel. Yeah.

- Yeah. - It's Cheesel. - It's a crazy name. Oh Tucker, what do you got there for, you seen these, wrap snacks? Everybody knows wrap snacks. - Oh shit. - Yeah, wrap snack icon. OG barbecue. - OG barbecue cheddar. - Snoop Dogg. - Oh man. - You got those over here surely, right? - Yeah, I'm pretty sure. - Wow. - You don't have Tostitos? Do you have Fritos?

You have Oreos. You got Fritos over there. I'll tell you my favorite. We're not the third world, Schlatt. We've got food. We have processed food. Like Chips Ahoy. You got Doritos over there. If you've got Chips Ahoy, we have Doritos. We have shit that's bad for you. Ruffles. I'll tell you what. They got a better version of Whoppers over here. You know Whoppers? The malted milk ball, Schlatt? Yeah. They got a better one over here, and they're called Maltesers.

I don't think you could tempt me with a better version of something that is shit. So unless it's like really, really good. Maltesers, those kind of snacks always bugged me because I would suck on them and then they would cut up the roof of my mouth.

Oh, yeah. But that's part of the love. You must have gotten the ones with razors in them, you know, like little razor blades for Halloween. I got the ones with asbestos. Yeah, you must have gotten the ones where Schlatt's company was the middleman. Yeah, yeah. I put the, I was part of the problem.

That's why I really excited to see what Schwarz got paid for October. I was going to say, how did funny sticks end up panning out? I never got my dividends. You know, I really wanted to sell some candy cigarettes, but something just didn't pan out. We didn't have enough time to prep it, and I wanted to get the video out. You never even told me that they were going to be candy cigarettes. You just straight up said cigarettes. Yeah.

I don't think I could have gotten away with that. I'm just going to throw that out. No, I think even though I am shrouded in a whole bunch of irony, are you drinking the GamerSips through the balaclava? No. Oh, my God. That's got to be nasty as fuck. No, I wash this thing. Okay. How often? This is clean.

Right before. He was showing me his room. He opens up his drawer. It's kind of like he's a cartoon character where it's just hundreds of balaclavas.

Yeah, a bunch of different... He had hundreds of these jackets in his closet. That's funny. I wish I had more than one pair of this fucking jacket, man. There's a whole family tree of his lineage. They all look like this. I got this jacket dry cleaned for the first time last year. The first time I've ever had the jacket cleaned was last year.

Like, ever. How did they react when you brought it in? I didn't bring it in. I had someone else do that. I wasn't about to be like, yes, I wore this jacket for five years. I had someone else. You're too rich for that. I just couldn't cope with the shame of being like, yeah, this is my jacket. Yeah, it's fucking disgusting. It smells like shit. I don't think that they judge at places like that, though. No? I feel like they would. I think the fact that you're bringing it in to get it cleaned in the first place is already a step further than some people. It's true.

Ted, you're not taking this seriously. Stop munching on the chicken crimpy. We don't snack during this. What are you doing? Kind of like one of our main bits this season is the whole rap snack. We don't snack. I guess I'll put these away. Listen, Miss Ophonia listeners. Miss Ophonia? Hate you to death. Who's Miss Ophonia? Hope she plays chess. Yeah. Miss Ophonia?

What is misophonia? I don't know. I don't know what that is.

Is it like something to do with hearing shit? Maybe like mouth sounds? Yeah, this is like a thing. Misophonia is a chronic condition that causes people to experience intense emotional responses and physiological arousal. Physiological arousal? Wow. So is that like the whole clapping thing? Yeah, before we record the podcast, the clap sync. We can do the clap sync? It's kind of a fight or flight response.

Oh, shit. Some people really hate it when people are eating on podcasts. Would you imagine someone's just eating chips too loudly in a fucking movie theater and you get up and start beating the shit out of them? Like life or death scenario? I gotta survive. You climb up the fucking walls? Dude, there's people on this planet who feel the exact opposite about that shit. I...

Sometimes I'll find on my TikTok feed out of nowhere. And I mean out of nowhere because I'm not, I don't watch these videos on TikTok. But you'll find some dude just like sitting up real close to a blue Yeti and he's just going...

Yeah, I see that shit all the time. Have you seen that shit before? I see that shit all the time. It's great. Fucking nasty, dude. I like the ones where the dudes have the really blown out fucking AirPod speaker and they're like putting it in the dishwasher, they're fucking putting it in a blender. Putting a pot over it and just... Yeah, putting a pot in it and banging it with the fucking... Yeah.

Yeah, that's like extreme ASMR. Everything's getting more extreme, dude. Algorithms getting more extreme. Fucking Twitter for my Twitter for you page is abysmal. Yeah, what are you getting these days? It's pretty bad. It's pretty fucking bad. I woke up, like, dude, this is how, like, my mornings go. Wake up. Oh, I wonder what's on Twitter. Like, five minutes haven't passed between me opening my eyes from deep sleep. First thing I see is, like...

Some fucking pedophile in Seattle getting stung operation by three cops and getting shot to death. Oh my God. Yeah, straight up on the For You page. He's getting executed, yeah. I don't...

see that kind of content. I see a lot of people getting hit by trains, a lot of people getting hit by cars and shit. Have you considered that maybe it's because you respond positively to that kind of content? I don't reply. I don't like. Yeah.

Dude, there was a moment right after Elon bought Twitter. There was a moment where everyone was like, you know, I'd have friends of mine being like, dude, I just, my feed is like fucked up, bro. I see gore and like people, I see people like there's huge cocks and like murder on my timeline out of nowhere. And it's like, dude.

You're watching it like you made the sandwich, bro. I sure am. You made the chuckle sandwich. I just got none of that shit. And you know what I do if I see a video like that? I scroll past it. That's how you tailor it, dude. How can I do that when there's someone getting shot to death in front of me? Let's just say this, Shlatt. If you saw someone getting shot to death on the street, you tell me you wouldn't watch for a second?

I'd probably watch. I'd probably watch. You know, it's one of those things, but my view shouldn't tie into the algorithm. Just because I watch the train wreck doesn't mean let me see more train wrecks. It should be if I like the train wreck or comment on the train wreck. Yeah. Or retweet the train wreck. Which you should stop doing. Some people die really funny. I have to hit it with an LOL.

I did get a video recently of a cop that was doing a routine traffic stop. And then someone just drives up to him during the traffic stop. Ah, yeah, he takes the hatchet out. Stops the car, yeah, he just has a hatchet. And the cop is like, what are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? And then he had to drain him. Yeah, he took the sidewalk temperature challenge. Oh my God.

Yeah, pretty rough. Sidewall attempt. Asphalt temperature challenge. Have you ever heard of active self-protection on YouTube? No. What is that? Oh my God. Maybe this is why my For You page is so fucked up. Wait, this is the guy that, yeah, you've shown me this channel. It's John Correa. I have showed you this channel. Yeah. I've shown you this before.

Yeah, no, this shit is great. It's just, you know, your daily live leak on YouTube. What terrible thumbnails are those? That's what I'm saying. Those are awful thumbnails. You know, I don't really think about the thumbnails. Wait, who's the profile picture of a guy with the beard? That's the dude, man. That's John Green. That's the guy who reacts to it. Is he the one involved in all these?

situation. Yeah, he's the guy involved in all the situations. He's got perfect pepper spray useful. He's been in 150 self-defense scenarios in the last two months. Oh, no. Yeah. It's just very, very interesting. He's

He has such bangers as bless the deserving with the hot sauce. That's what he says when you pepper spray someone. It's a tough world, Ted. It's a tough world. You need to be prepared. Yeah, seriously. It seems like it. The coming struggle is real, guys. The coming struggle is real. And it's only going to get worse. It's only going to get worse. I haven't had to deal with too many crazy animals out here, though. No, you got to go into the city for that. I've heard that if you mess with those blackbirds, though. Hmm.

They remember your face. They're called magpies.

Yeah, but I didn't know what that was. That's funny. But I've heard that if you mess with them, they'll remember your face. And they'll literally tell your friends. They're like crows. Yeah, but worse. Magpies are crazy. They'll swoop you. These are the motherfuckers that swoop you. What does that mean, swoop? So in the spring, these birds have babies, and they have eggs and nests and shit, and if you go near their nest, for any reason at all, they'll like...

Swoop you they'll swoop down and like either hit you with their beak or like claw you with your talons. This is a funny video I've seen this before. This is a famous video of a child on a scooter getting assaulted by a magpie.

Yeah. It's happened to me twice. You're not, you're not Australian until it happens to you. And I tell you, it's happened to me twice. You know what I love about this video is that the dudes, the dude filming him is just standing there. Yes. And he watches this kid just, just go by him. And the magpie still is just going after him.

So magpies like to go after people with like helmets and shit on I guess because like bicyclists so bicyclists wear like These helmets with giant spikes like spikes so that magpies don't swoop the motherfucking Viking and don't knock them over Look up a magpie helmet anti magpie. Yeah, look at that There's zip ties all over it Wow, which is so so funny

Oh yeah, that's... That's the true blue. Yeah, there you go. He looks like the villain from Spaceballs. He's fucking Darth Vader, exactly. Dude, look at that. That's amazing. This looks like Spaceballs.

It looks like dark helmet. Yeah, exactly. Oh, dark helmet. Yeah, dark helmet. But no, magpies are vicious little bastards too. They'll wait for you to turn around and they'll take your fucking eyes out. They're fucking crazy. Jeez. But they're not mean this time of year, surely? No, not this time of year. Nice. Yeah, it's usually in like spring. Oh, right. Because it's fall for you right now, huh?

Wait, there's magpies in the US? Apparently.

Mr. Magpie. Black-billed magpie. You sent Tucker onto a little... I was going to say, he's going to start picking up birdwatching now. Oh, no. I'm already deep into that one. Are you a birdwatcher, Tucker? Yeah, a little bit, I guess. When I was in New York, Tucker spent probably about 45 minutes with his elbows up like this, looking through that window behind him, looking at this bird, and he was talking to his wife about it. He was like, I have a long time!

Okay, it was a peregrine falcon. That's pretty cool. Okay. It's the fastest animal in the entire world. Yeah. Ted was like, I don't care. I'm going to keep scrolling. It kind of cheats, though. It literally just falls. It just fucking falls down to get fast. Fall down, get fast. I could kill a falcon easy. I could kill a falcon, too. It would hurt.

All you need is one good, well-timed punch. You know, I've always thought, what would you do if you were like one of those people that were getting attacked by a swan or like a duck with like a long neck and it's like trying to attack you? You just grab its neck and you just do a little... Here's a weird question. Yeah. Um...

And I may have talked about this on the pod before, but did you guys ever have to dissect owl pellets when you were growing up? Yeah, it was so much fun. I love that shit. I've dissected a frog before. You haven't took apart owl pellets? You never took apart owl pellets, Slav? Owl shit? No. No. No, it's pellets, buddy. They're like hairballs for owls. It's regurgitants. It's all the feathers and the fur and the undigested matter. I've never dissected one of those.

Yeah, so it's a pellet. Yeah, owl pellets. And sometimes there's like cute little rat bones in there. Look at him. He's having a good time tossing out. He's like. They're kind of like owl mystery boxes. It's like doing a crate opening. You're like, am I going to get a shrew skull or am I going to get a mouse skull? Am I going to get a frog vertebrate? Which bones of a rodent am I going to get today? It was actually fire. This is what got me into CSGO case opening. Yeah.

When I was young, it was dissecting owl pellets at Boy Scouts. Dude, I got a legendary shrew. Dude! Oh, I got a red. Bro, it's a mole. Oh, I got a bunch. Oh, no. The special was a common shrew ankle. Damn it. Fuck. You're just going to the old guy fucking spending $10 for a grid of owl pellets.

Oh, just, just, it's just, uh, just to, you know, if you're, if you're a chuckle sandwich listener and you've also dissected owl pellets, leave a comment down below. What was your favorite thing that you got? What was your big find? What was your giant find? I'm curious. It's going to be like, I found a girl's finger and I'm just going to say that they found like the finger of a kid or something, something messed up.

And it's going to be funny. I don't think that would be very funny. And that's why you're no fun, Schlamper. Ted, why are you actually in Australia? I think we didn't actually hit on this. What are you doing? So Swagger lives in Australia. Because Swagger's on the podcast this week. Yeah. I know, but you didn't have to go there. Well, the podcast was today. The podcast was today, so I planned in advance. I see what's going on. I see what's going on.

Oh, you weren't going to talk more than that. That was all you had to say. He was just telling him what was going on. That's all I had prepared. Yeah, no, I mean, I feel like I missed out in college because there was a period where everyone went out to Australia before COVID. Everyone was having a good time. I was in school. So I would miss too many fucking classes if I went out to Australia. I remember this discussion, dude. I dropped out of college.

Because I knew that trip was coming up and I was like, this just wouldn't make much sense to be in classes right now. Yeah, so I finished it. I finished my degree. Crazy. And now I'm here. You're here. Now you're here. You got a degree, which you've put to great use. Yeah.

Do you think missing that trip back in the day was worth it? I think so. I don't think it had that trip really made or broke my life trajectory. It's cool being out here now. I'll tell you what, you've done plenty of across the ocean travels, but I mean, that was weird doing that for the first time. Huge plane. That plane was so fucking big. It was a double-decker, Tucker. It was a

It was a double-decker plane. Like 747 or an A380? I don't even fucking know. You don't know? It's the one that's safe. You're on it for 16 hours and you don't know? I don't think it was a Boeing. No, it was probably A380. Not as cool.

A nice plane, but 747 is so iconic. 747 is not the same size as an A380. No, no. Pretty close. 747 is, no, not at all. I think you're very wrong on this. Really? I think you should stick to little birdies. If you're on one of those planes that are going across the Pacific Ocean...

for like fucking 12 hours is one of those planes that like you can look out the side and a fucking engine can explode into fire and brimstone and you shouldn't even be concerned at all because

Because it could fly on three engines, and then the other two could explode. But you could still get across the ocean on just one engine on one of those fucking things. Tucker, I think it was an Airbus A380-800. Bro, we're way past this, Ted. I was trying to find that information for you. Well, look it up, then. Look it up. Yeah, look it up. Pull it up, Tucker. It's already pulled up, dude.

What the fuck? It's been up. Oh, well, I just went up and looked up my specific flight number to get you the exact plane that I was on. The biggest Boeing plane is the 777. 777. 7777. The 777, if you will. And it was huge. I don't like the idea of going on a 777 because it seems like too lucky to me.

Yeah, that's... Bowling's had a lot of luck recently. That's what I'm saying. It's like pulling the lottery for engine failures on a plane.

It's like, oh, dying on a plane is one in 10 million. It's like, well, triple seven is my lucky number. Yeah, wait, Tucker, do you know what the safest spot to be is in a plane so you don't die if it crashed? Like, what's the most likely? I think everybody on the plane fucking dies most of the time. No, Tucker. It's like the first quarter is like always who dies and it's the second quarter that lives and then the third and fourth quarter that dies as well.

I think it's something like that. It depends who the fucking plane crashes. So midway through the plane, it's like... It literally depends who the plane crashes. Usually the front is fucked and the back is fucked. Yeah, in a 9-11 situation, you probably want to be sitting at the back. I don't think anyone lives... I don't think it matters where you're sitting in a 9-11 situation. Well, that's what I'm saying, dude. If this plane goes down...

Nowadays, you could be a Boeing engineer on the ground and fucking still die. Well, it's not like every plane that crashes is curving into a fucking skyscraper. Make sure you brace if 9-11's happening. Make sure you go down like that. Yeah, make sure you brace and put your seatbelt on. Yeah, make sure your tray table is up. Make sure you remove your COVID mask before you put on the oxygen mask. Exactly. You guys are so fucking mean to me.

Listen, okay? It was a cool plan, though.

Oh, sure. I'd never been over. I mean, I'd gone over the Atlantic Ocean, but the Pacific Ocean is a big ocean. I don't know if you guys know this, but it's actually the biggest one. It kind of scares me, honestly, going over it. I worry about the plane going down and everyone dying but me and me being alone on a raft and then me being in some Pacific island out in the middle of nowhere. Yeah. If there's anything I can say to calm your mind about that,

You'd die too, man. You probably wouldn't get lucky. But I'm me. You know how cool that would be? This is my story. You know how cool that would be? It would be cool. Everybody's dead. Everyone's dead. You don't fly with any friends or family. It's just a bunch of strangers that annoyed you or dead. Well, think about that. You could write a book about that. This is actually something that crossed my mind when I was on this flight. You know how you daydream about...

You're like looking around. You're like, who do I eat first? No, no. You know how you daydream about scenarios in the shower? Like, oh, what if something crazy happened? Then I came back and everyone was like, whoa. Because imagine the flight goes down. The flight's missing. Everyone's talking about it on the news. People find out, oh my God, Ted Nibison was on that flight. Then a couple of weeks go by. I survive. I come out with a crazy story time video. I get millions of views. And then people know me no longer as the Nerdstroke guy, but the guy who survived the

That's a one out of ten right there. That's a one out of ten right there. Let me tell you, that's a good upload right there. That's the craziest I'm Back video you've ever seen. It'd be like, I lived. So that happened. That's how you start it. So, erm, that happened. Guys, I did a thing. So, guys, I kind of had an adulting accident.

I sit down in the frame and I'm like, well, that's the last time I fly, Qantas. Well, that's the last time I fly, United. Oh, man. Dude, I just, you know, if that ever happens to me, the saving grace would be a guy that survives with you and then through the wreckage and rubble and all the people screaming and dying. What if they're annoying, though? He just stands up and he looks at you and he smiles and he goes like this.

but he's got an orange peel on his teeth. Oh, a little silly one. Yeah. And so it looks like he's got orange, orangish teeth. I don't do the orange teeth. I would always take the rind and put it the other way so they look white, and then I would cut little teeth in the rind, and then it would, like, be all goofy. I've never done that before. According to Tucker's research here, it seems like rear cabin has a 69% chance of survivability, I guess. Yeah.

Why would they put the rich people up front then? The rich people put themselves there. Because wouldn't you want to die quickly and painlessly? Yeah. And not on fire with all the poise? Yeah, that's true. Yeah. I don't want to burn to death next to a screaming child. No. Yeah, I guess that's really the question. That's really the question that people need to consider. Would you rather...

Would you rather be able to get on and off the flight quicker or in the event of death, have a 20% chance higher of living? That's true. That's true. I think people don't consider that as much. But man, I need that leg room. Yeah, that's a good question, Ted. That is a good question. Swagger, I have a question for you, actually. Would you rather have unlimited bacon but no more games or games?

Unlimited games. Unlimited games? But no games. No games. But no games. No games, yeah. And that's the kicker right there, usually. That's where people get hung up, you know?

I just thought, you know, we were, Ted just gave a would you rather. I figured I'd give one too. Yeah. What do you think? I did just have a beautiful breakfast. I don't know if you could smell it in the air. I could smell it when I walked in. I was like, damn, this guy's, this guy's still American. I might have to go with, I might have to go with bacon. You'll take the bacon. I think I'll take the bacon. But yeah, I was trying to make it like a serious situation and really getting up in your business and being like, this is the right thing. Now I'm like, man, I probably just smell like shapes.

chicken barbecue and all i'm really smelling right now is this game reception like right here because you saturated the balaclava full of that

It's working its way up to your nose, dude. A good three quarters of the- How do you not waterboard yourself when you do that? Three quarters of the liquid gets through. I waterboard myself when I did a hot tub stream with Pestily at his place in Adelaide. And I'm sitting in this hot tub. It was like fucking 40 degrees Fahrenheit out. It was freezing. We're in this warehouse. It's so cold. We get in this hot tub. And we're in the hot tub for maybe like two or three hours for the stream. And I'm wearing this.

And it just wakes up, the fucking water wakes up and I straight up just can't breathe. And I had to like get out of the stream, out of the thing. I had to like wring it out. I had to like get it as dry as I could. That's scary. Yeah, no, it was weird because I'm like trying so hard not to like have a panic attack and just take it off like live.

You accidentally tortured yourself. Accidentally had a little Guantanamo incident. And now you know what to do if you're ever holding secrets. Now I know what to do. Just say whatever comes to mind so that they give me some reprieve. Whatever they want to hear. So the bacon. So the bacon. The bacon. That's funny. Like, I think most people don't want to give up the unlimited games. No one wants to give up unlimited games for them to have no games.

He's heard this so many times that he's like, he doesn't even know. He's like, I wonder if his answers line up. I swear I've fallen for this before. Fallen? Fallen in love. It's pretty crystal clear. It is pretty cut and dry. It is pretty cut and dry. We do have to check. I think Tucker should go back and make sure you're ideologically consistent here.

Yeah. I'll say, though, you got so many tabs open. I'll say, though, man, there's a there's a good community of tick tocks now of people just making funny ass videos about that question. And I don't even think anyone knows the original material. This question as early as number six. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It wasn't it wasn't that early. It was very early on into the podcast. That was the first. Would you rather?

Oh, right. So then whatever Swagger says post the first Would You Rather. I swear, I swear that I'm not ideologically consistent here.

Well, I chose the games in the past. Let's see. You say like I have a bag and I keep pulling out like the perfect crispy bacon strip from it. This is a much nicer camera. What is this camera that you had this time? A little messenger bag. The same camera. Really? Yeah, it's the same camera. Like wears like glasses. Something like a Starbucks metrosexual. Yeah. I said it this exact way the first time. But in this scenario, they'd be unlimited.

Yes, but also non-existent. I just don't understand why he wouldn't take the bacon. It's over a year ago. Wow. Then everyone's going to be asking me for bacon.

That's true. That's also true. Well, exactly. That is true. That is also true. Exactly. What the fuck? I'm spitting fangs. You are. Speechless. Speechless. He's been laughed at. I present only great arguments that are fun out.

- Damn, yeah, so I guess, you know, you seem pretty cut and dry and set in stone on the bacon answer this time. Is it 'cause you've got bacon on the tongue, though? - I do, I had, you know,

Are we talking all varieties of bacon or just a shrieky bacon? I like that bacon this morning. It's just bacon. That's all I know. I'm just the messenger. You could trade the bacon for monetary gain. I'm not the game master here. Man, I'm not President Crow. You are the game master. I am not the game master. I did not make this question. I don't make the rules. I just make up the hypotheticals. I didn't make up the hypothetical. I didn't even make it up. He didn't.

No? No. This is a deep cut from like 2011, bro. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. From Team Crafted. Not Team Crafted. Machinima Respawn. We had Mr. Sark on and he answered it. And it's a reference to him. That's good. Yeah. He had a bit of a conniption there. What did he say? We can show you. He took the bacon.

In the original, I think he took the bacon. I don't remember what he did. He took the bacon. He says you always take the bacon. Because that's the only option where you're getting anything. You do always take the bacon. That's the authentic truth. Yeah. In the lore, that's the truth. The guy who made Jif. Yeah.

He said it's pronounced Jif. It's a good peanut butter. People are like, yeah, dude. I would love to just make something that everyone colloquially calls something and just add to the blue. You can't just change your mind? No, actually, it's called this. Actually, my name's not Swagger Souls. It's Swager. Yeah, that's like the best Swager. That's some fucking J.K. Rowling shit right there.

What are you talking about? I hate gay people. Dumbledore is gay. Dumbledore has always been gay. It's a secret good lover that lives in the mountains. You didn't see on this page I said Dumbledore said this gaily? Yeah. There was a twinkle in his eye. Twinkle in his eye. Twink, twink. It's right there. Dumbledore is a twinkle. Ted, one day you should just be like, you know what? It actually is Nevision.

Yeah. That's awesome. After spending years fighting against it. Yep.

I'd be like, guys, it's Ted-na-vision, like television. Yeah. Like, guys, that's why my parents chose their surname. That's what I, that's always been the bit. They always thought back in 1600s, they were like, we should make a last name because someday we're going to name one of them Ted and it's going to make a word. Someday they're going to come up with a fancy television, I think. Nope.

Notably what they sounded like in the 1600s. Yeah, like, got to get stung with the 20s. What did people in the 1600s sound like? Oh, fucking, like, nerds. That's for sure. Probably stupid. Like a bunch of fucking dorks. They were saying, like, Yankee Doodle and shit, right? Yeah, Yankee Doodle. They were singing Yankee Doodle. They were like, they were like, you know, I'll tell you what they were saying. They were saying this. Witch!

God bless the queen. Witch! Witch! God bless the queen. Witch! Hang her. Hang her. Hang her. Burn her. Burn her. Burn her. With high stones in her, she floats. She's a witch. Domine Christo. Ah.

No, this is great. Yeah, no, this is great swag. I'm so happy to have you here. I'm going to head back into my portal now. No, no problem, man. My portal? You're going to my portal to another dimension? My fucking bathroom? He'll be at Schlatt's place next week. No, he won't. No, he won't. Yeah, the week after. He better not show up. What are you doing, man? Nothing, dude. I'm doing nothing. You're going to bring that bank. What do you mean? Dude, you can't just take my fucking thing, man. It's gone. Let me go.