Schlatt's Texas Snowstorm Nightmare
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Hey guys, Charlie here, and unfortunately, actually, this, uh, today's not really gonna work for me for recording the Chuckle Sandwich podcast, uh, so... Oh, really? Yeah, I mean, what would, what would work for you, what can you guys do? Um, well, you know, I'm, yeah, I'm pretty much free whenever, man, I, I don't, I don't do a dang thing. I can't do that. What? Yeah, I'm not gonna be able to make it then, Ted. I don't know, uh...

If you think I can juggle all these things you have us do for you? We can't keep running this show, and...

No, period. We just can't keep running this show. If you guys do want to hang out, though, for a bit right now, I'm free-ish. Like, not a lot, but I can for a bit. Yeah, I can hang out. I have like an hour right now, but I will not be able to make the recording session. So I apologize in advance. I definitely don't want to be in... Yeah, I can't do Charcoal Sandwich right now, but before my next big commitment that...

could potentially overlap. Maybe if it did, if we did this, it would overlap, but it wouldn't if we didn't. Yeah, it's like the commutative property. Yeah. What is it like A? A plus B equals C. B plus C equals A. Suck my dick. I don't think that's what that all is. Speaking of big commitments, hey guys, I'm coming at you from the beautiful city of Austin, Texas. It's me. Nice.

Congrats on the move. We should talk about that on the next episode. Yeah, when we have time to record. When we do record the podcast, I think that, you know, I think...

Just for the sake of posterity, I don't even know if I'm using that word correctly. I don't think that's how you use that word. Why don't we just do like a practice round about what the podcast would be whenever we have time to do it, right? Yeah, tell us what you're going to say eventually when we do it. So when we turn the cameras on and start recording this goddamn thing, I would talk about how I came to Austin. Hopefully never. I mean, I don't have time to do it again. Like, Ted, you're such a bad guy. Anyways...

I did move from the awful state of New York to Texas. Weird how quickly he's changed his tune on that. I feel like he's always been a New York guy. I know I've always been a New York guy. I don't think I've ever once said that there's anything redeemable about the state besides the pizza and the bagels and the tap water because, you know, you got to make the dough with the tap water from the fucking mountains.

Bagels are great. The bagels are great. The bagels are good. You know it. They got bagel? Do they have bagels in Texas? Do they have bagels in Texas? I've never seen them. Haven't seen them. I don't... I think it's up in the air whether or not Texas even knows what bagels are. Actually, the funny thing about the water situation in Texas... Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

We're on a boil order. The state of Texas is on a boil order. They ran out of water. That shit fucking sucks, dude. They actually ran out of power. The city of Austin ran out of power to actually purify all the water.

So they're just letting it through without actually doing anything to it. So whoever runs the city was just like, yeah, you got to boil it. Is it brackish water? What is brackish water? What is that? It's like, is it dirty? Is it yuck? Is it brown?

I don't think it's brown, no. All filled with iron and shit? It's going to taste weird no matter... I hate that. Dude, being on a boil order makes me realize how little I'd survive if the world went down. You know what I mean? Yeah. I'm like, dude, I could totally make it. I'd be fine. Second, I'm on a boil order, right? And I'm just like, oh, drinking warm water sucks. I would rather be overrun. Zombie apocalypse begins. Yeah, guys, we're on a boil order. Everyone dies. Fuck that shit.

The moment that there's an official announcement that you need to boil water, that's when everything comes crashing down. That's when it all goes to shit. Because I just don't like the taste. So I would just run outside and scream and hold my arms out. Let me explain how we got here. Okay? Let me explain why I'm being forced to boil my water. So I moved in...

Last Sunday, which was the 14th of February 2021, and it was already kind of icy. I mean, you've been hearing stories about the conditions in Texas, and they're getting snow and ice, and it's really strange because it's Texas, you know? Usually that type of thing doesn't happen in Texas.

They always say Texas is the land of sun and zero ice. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Zero snow deaths is actually the motto of Texas, I hear. Not anymore. Not anymore. I'll tell you that much. They had to remove that from the flag. Yeah. They removed the specific words, and I quote, snow? Zero. Question mark? Yeah. No. That's what it said on the flag. They had to scrub that off.

They hired they hired Plato to write that one. You know, the you know, like the fire danger signs where they like switch the thing on it. It's like Texas has one of those for snow, but it's like a permanent sign that cannot be changed just on no snow. So they had to like vandalize it. Well, here's the thing. We no one gets snow in Texas. No one.

Right, right. It never happens. It never happens. It's an anomaly. It's an anomaly. They should put a big one of the, like, you know, in the Simpsons movie where they brought a bunch of helicopters and they dropped a dome over Springfield? I agree. We should do that to Texas. They should get one of those giant cones that says slippery when wet.

and just put it over the entire state of Texas. - Well, we were pretty wet. I'll tell you that much. - Were you slippery? - It was slippery when I got there. I landed, I had rented a truck to, 'cause I was moving into a house, right? And the house was empty. - Wow, you're flying with a truck. - The house was empty, so I was like, okay, well, I'm gonna need a truck to put like mattresses and furniture in it and stuff like that.

Turns out I needed the truck for a whole nother reason because there was ice and I needed a four-wheel drive car to even drive.

Think about driving. See, the thing is, the thing is, like, we don't have in Texas... We don't have snow tires, and we don't have... Why would you? There's no... Exactly. And there's no infrastructure whatsoever. Why would you even have four-wheel drive? Yeah. There's no infrastructure whatsoever to deal with snow and ice. So when it snows or when it ice snows or hails like it did that night I arrived, they just...

They can't do anything. It just falls on the road. Do the people also do the thing where like, if they just all go insane and like forget how to just process like information, like when driving around people to start like skidding, like I swear to God, the second, the second,

I used to like live in Virginia where this thing happened all the time because you'd get like a single snowflake would fall in front of someone and their pupils just like dilate and they just become absolutely insane. Yeah. Start doing spins. Yeah. They just like go out into like oncoming traffic and start spinning around. Driving five miles per hour with the hazards on. Yeah.

It's like the moths driving cars. They wrap up all the schools and just like caution tape. Iron shutters come down. What's weird about Texas getting so much snow and stuff like that is also that there's nowhere really nearby Texas that even has snow plows that they could

So they had to get them from Ohio. Oh, no, nothing got plowed. Nothing got plowed. Where I'm from, there was nothing. How many inches did you get? A couple. And the entire state was just shut down. That's enough to cripple a state that doesn't deal with snow. The state was crippled for like four days. Dude, I subsisted for a week straight.

on like gas station beef jerky there were sores on my tongue because no supermarket i did not have any real sources of food and my power was all the grocery stores like closed since they were closed down and there's no like meat that all the meat sections they had to throw them out because those grocery stores have regulations on how long they can you know keep something unrefrigerated for so there was pictures of of you know the meat packing sections of the uh

of the grocery stores and they were empty and people were saying, oh, that's because people are rushing the grocery store. It's like, no, they have to fucking straight up throw it out. Good thing I got pepperoni now. I feel like I would die if I had to eat only beef jerky for three days. Oh, it was more than three days, my friend. It was a week. It was a solid week. Beef jerky is like never as good as you think it's going to be. So having to like choose to have beef jerky repeatedly also sounds like

One of the hardest choices. Then you run out of the regular flavor and you're left with the heat flavor. I like heat jerky. You're boiling water. You're like trying to find fucking relief with your boiling water while shoving heat jerky into your mouth. Well, hold on. Curled up in a ball.

Well, hold on. We shouldn't be hating on beef jerky right now. I like beef jerky. I'm going to hate on beef jerky if you eat beef jerky for a week straight. Beef jerky is not a... I would argue it's not always a fun snack. It's rarely a fun snack. It's more of like you need to remind yourself what beef jerky tastes like every few months.

Um, and then never again, because it's like, not, you don't like have a packet of beef jerky and you're like, fuck. Yeah, I'm going to do this instead now. And you like, you don't, you don't go back after a, after a slim Jim, you don't go back. This is, these are the Ted. Let's not forget. These words are coming out of the mouth of a man who's been eating vegetables on each podcast.

That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard in my life. Come on. You're an herbivore talking shit on meat. You are a bit of an herbivore, Charlie. I have to keep doing it every episode. I need enough calories and vegetables don't give me enough per vegetable. Some of us don't have vegetables. All of them rotted in Texas. I woke up the first night. This is just a weed I found outside. Shut up. I don't even know what this is. I woke up the first night in Texas.

And I was like, oh, that's weird. My alarm clock didn't go off. There's no time on the alarm clock. Oh, there's no power in my house. There's no water. There's no heat. Did you wake up cold? I woke up a little cold. I'm not going to lie to you, Ted. I woke up a little cold. How cold is it there right now? We should start calling him Chief Shlurky. Well, it was below freezing. It was below freezing for several days. So what they did in Austin...

We're rolling blackouts, which means that they'll like split the city into a bunch of different parts and then give power to them and switch between so that people don't die so that they could warm up their place for like a bit before they go before it goes out again. Goddamn. Yeah, it's rough, man. So when I woke up and I realized I didn't have power, this is where the fun begins. This is where the fun begins. I go on my phone and look for hotels everywhere.

because, you know, hotels, generator, power, you know, warmth, that kind of stuff. Typically, typically. Yeah, typically. I call one of these Marriott hotels and I'm like, hey, do you guys have power? And they're like, yeah, come on over. And I'm like, okay, I'll do that. And so I booked the hotel for two nights because I don't know how long it's going to take. I don't know how long I'm going to be without power. And I go over there.

A few hours later, when the check-in time is available, the hotel is completely dark. It's dark. There's no power. And I'm like, oh, well, okay. The hotel has no power. I have no power. What do I do now? And then I start thinking, oh, God, I'm going to have to go to fucking Mizkif's house. Did he have power at the time? He had power.

Yeah, he's an influencer. I like the way you worded that. It made it sound like you just inherently knew that Miskif had power. You're like, oh. Yeah, but it was like the last resort, the dark place. Miskif's house. So I go to Miskif's and I have to hang out. And the thing about Miskif is, you know, if he helps you out, you repay him by going on his stream. No way. He doesn't do that. So I walked in the house.

And the first thing, Miskif- Mouthful of beef jerky shivering. Mouthful of beef jerky shivering my ass off, just looking for a place to chill out. And Miskif is going, oh, hey, come downstairs. Downstairs is where the camera is. He's live. So I chill for like a minute upstairs. I thaw.

And then I go downstairs because I have to go on a stream because he's helping me out. Dance monkey. Dance monkey. So that's, I mean, that sucks. How are you doing now? Are you, I mean. Bad. Bad. Bad.

Because I have to chill with all his streamer friends, his harem of people. Oh, are you there right now? No, I'm not there right now. I left. I'm back at my house because I have power. I left at the earliest chance I could get. Few managed to escape. Right. So here's what's going on. Here's what's going on. Spend the night at Mizkif's house. It's a nice house. It's like $2 million, $3 million. Did he buy it? Oh, yeah. He built it.

fucking loaded. Dude has a fuck ton of money. And that's why you guys are friends. That's why we're friends. That's what it's all about. I use him for his wealth and he uses me for clicks. So I stay there. I wake up. You know, I...

I wake up and the first thing I do is call Marriott because I did not stay there because the hotel was dark. I call them and they're like, yeah, sure, we'll open a ticket to get you refunded. And they email me back five minutes later and they're like, nope, sorry.

Actually not going to refund you. And I was like, excuse me? The hotel was, it did not have power. The hotel was off. The hotel was off. Bro, I'm not staying. How am I going to stay there? The hotel's off. And they're like, sorry, outside of the hotel's control, we're keeping the money. And then I get another call. What the fuck?

Then I get a call from UPS. Great company. Great. Just like superb shipping company. I remember we were talking about this too. I was like, be really careful when you're shipping your computer. You never know. So the Saturday before I left, I walked into UPS with my hundred pound, you know, prebuilt computer that comes in a wooden crate. Fucking heavy computer. Yeah. And I go to him and I say, hey.

I need to, I say, I need to fly this down to Austin, Texas, and I need it on Monday. And they're like, oh, okay, that's going to be $1,000. And I say, okay, I'll pay $1,000 to ship it down there because, you know, this is my work. This is what I have to do. Schlatt, you know, have I told you that I shipped an entire pallet of shit from Massachusetts to California for $1,000? Yeah. That was probably...

Maybe 250 pounds. Did you next day it? I shipped my car to California. Oh, you know what it was? It probably was the next day. Probably wasn't next day. Yeah. So I get a call from UPS. This is the day that the PC is supposed to come. And they say, hey, buddy, we don't know where it went. Oh.

And what's worse is that they called you buddy. And you could feel the skin. The other stuff you could look past. They said, hey, buddy. And then the next time I said, excuse me, could you repeat that? And they're like, listen, chief.

Computer gone. Don't know where it went. Eyes and ears open, champ. I look at the tracking number on the UPS website. Sure enough, the page doesn't even work. It's throwing an error. And the guy on the phone is like, oh, yeah, that's fucking weird, dude. That doesn't happen. That doesn't usually happen.

Where does the computer go? How do you lose a $100 package, dude? I insured it for thousands of dollars. The thing just grew legs in the UPS store and walked away? UPS is off. And here's the thing. Schlatt, you still don't have the computer. You're not even on your computer right now. No, I'm on a temporary computer. I'm on a temporary computer that one of my streamer friends in Austin provided me. Do you think it will ever find you with how things are going right now? That's a great question because they still don't know where it is.

So the computer is lost. I don't get that. And then I get a text from another gentleman who is in charge of taking my car down to Austin. On Saturday, I had a man in a truck come pick up my car. Actually, it wasn't Saturday. It was like Thursday or Friday.

Those are always like vaguely sketchy. I enjoy them. They are vaguely sketchy. They're vaguely sketchy when you ship a car. You never know what's going to happen. It's like a mystery. You know, I never ship my car. I prefer to drive cross country. Well, here's the thing.

I'm doing this because I care about getting things done quickly, right? The same reason I ship the PC in one day, I'm willing to pay the extra amount of money so that I don't have to drive for three days with my computer in my car and lose that amount of work because then it kind of works out economically when you think about it. Yeah. It's so funny though because we had talked about this before you originally moved and I was like, why don't you drive down? And you had said this exact same thing to me.

but I will make this argument now. And I think this argument, you know, I think it's got a lot of weight these days. Um, you know, it's, it's definitely nice to be able to just rely on yourself when you want to get something big like that done. It is Ted. Sure. You, you, you can't always though, in terms of, you know, how much you have and everything. Right. Uh, but, but I sure as hell believe that a little more after, uh, after the text I got Ted, because he said to me, Hey, sugar plum, uh,

Car won't be... It's weird that all these people are like so... They're so... Passive aggressive. Yeah, yeah. They're speaking down to me almost. He goes, car won't be coming today. Ice. That's literally what the text says. Car not taking the car down, period. Ice. I mean... That's fine. Look, I get it. I get it. That is frustrating. That is frustrating, but I will...

say for one thing. I wouldn't blame the guy. That it may not even be them worried about the actual truck that they're moving the car on. They could also just be worried about other people not knowing how to deal with ice and causing an accident. Of course. I'm not mad at the guy. I'm just mad at the situation, you know? Because I had paid another...

Costs $1,000 to ship a car, too. So now I'm out $2,000. Actually, $2,200. Sugar Plum's not happy. Sugar Plum's not happy right now. Yeah, Sugar Plum is a little upset, right? And I'm sorry. This is the reason why I haven't been exactly cracking too many jokes tonight on the podcast because my life for the past week has just been misery. I didn't have power for like four days. We're talking about a podcast. Yeah.

What? What are you talking about? Podcasts.

Oh, right. Well, when we film the podcast, I'm going to talk about this because I film the podcast. Dude, listen, when we... Charlie, don't you understand this is a... If we eventually get around to it, I'm sure you'll be in a better mood. We wouldn't put anything out like this anyway. Yeah, not at all. Charlie, this is a practice run. This is a practice run, remember? That implies that we're going to do the run eventually, and I'm just not comfortable with that. Well, I can't... Like I said, I can't make the run. And I won't be there because I have a game...

Or my dad does, or my son does. I have a game. Big game. He's got a baseball game. He's got his peewee game. You'll know it. Trust me when I say I will be there to break your hands. Not again. Yeah. Not again. Dude, this is going to be my big catch. This is going to be my big, please don't break my hands during my big catch. And then when you go to...

When you go to golf team practice, because, and this is a message to all of our audio listeners out there, we love you to death. Charlie is a golfer. Every stroke I go over par, Ted breaks one of my fingers. And then he can see me from afar, like about 100 meters away. If he squints his eyes a little bit, he can see me. And I've just got a bunch of beautiful puppies lined up, and I've got a...

I don't know if I like what he's doing. A 9mm pistol. Stop it right here. Don't do this. When we do the podcast, we can't do that. We're not going to talk about that. No weird stuff like that. My life for the past week, gentlemen, has been driving around...

With my truck that was intended to be used for furniture, but is now being used to ferry people around to their houses to check if there's electricity and food and going to places like Target and Walmart and seeing if they're open or not. And eventually just having having to go back to the fucking quick trip. It's like a big game of electric musical chairs. Yep. A big game of electric musical chairs. All the chairs are off.

And call you Sugar Plum. So we pass a McDonald's, right? We pass a McDonald's. There's a bit of a line. We're elated because we've only been subsisting off of Jack Link's Beef Jerky Presents messing with Sasquatch, right?

So we pull into the McDonald's drive-thru line. Is it a big line? Huge line. It wraps around the entire drive-thru, goes out of the McDonald's parking lot, and starts going up a hill. Is this like the only place open or something? Well, yeah. Everybody was just fucking excited because there was nothing open. Dude, this was like the third day of this shit, too.

I actually don't think it has anything to do with the power situation, Schlatt. I think McDonald's recently released their own chicken sandwich, and I think people are just really excited. Yeah, no, that makes sense. I get that. Yeah. It's got the pickles on it. Oh, the pickles? It's got the pickles? It's like, yeah, you know how the chicken sandwich is like a chicken tender sandwich?

pickles and mayo. Yummy, yummy. I've got something to say. My story isn't over. You just stopped at McDonald's. You can't just cut in. I've been holding off. Fuck you. You can hold off too. You really think my story was I stopped at McDonald's and the line was long? Ted's just like, oh, nice. I'm going to move on. This found me a really shitty way for it to culminate.

Well, Schlatt, that story fucking sucks anyway. I want to see if I can get away with just cutting Schlatt off. No, no. So, no. We pull into the McDonald's parking lot, the drive-thru, and we sit there. You know, we got some music on. We're talking. We're having some fun. And that's it. That's it. That's actually the whole story. We have a nice time. What did you order? Oh, that's an interesting question, Ted, because we noticed the line isn't actually moving. Oh.

And I'm in the car with S-Fan and a few other guys. That's like a good time to be in the drive-thru line is when you got a bunch of friends. If you're in the drive-thru line by yourself and you have to wait, then it's kind of a pain in the ass. It is kind of a pain in the ass. Just put on some music.

We were bumping some, some tech nine, you know, it was Charlie. It would be, it would, it would be that dance dance song with the anime character. It wouldn't be the dance dance. It would be a Hatsune Miku. Um, no, it wouldn't. Yeah. It would be, would be exactly what it would be. It would be Hatsune Miku.

Hatsune Miku. This story is just dragging on now because you won't let me finish it. It's not done yet. I laughed enough. It's not done yet. I know it's a funny story, but I got to keep going. You got to let me keep telling the story. Why, dude? S-Man's like, hey, guys, this is strange. Why isn't the line moving? And he gets out.

And he goes and he walks through all the cars, like past them all. And he goes to the guy who's waiting at the... Streamer privilege. At the little speaker. Charlie. He walks up to the guy who's waiting at the speaker with his window, you know, his windows rolled down. He's leaning out the car, his arms on the side of the car, you know, just hanging out. And S-Pen's like, hey, man, what's going on? And the guy goes...

They haven't responded in a while. Donald's was off.

They're just MIA. M-E-M is not McDonald's. It definitely would have been an interesting situation. Like when you first started describing him, like walking past all the cars that are in line, I just imagine like some sort of WandaVision moment where they're all just like frozen in place. They're alive, but they're just looking forward like dead eyes. And it's just like suddenly Texas becomes just a ghost town and the only people who are lucid are the fucking streamers in Texas. Yeah.

Streamers are just doing RP and other people are just NPCs. Yeah. The guy goes, they haven't responded in a while. And S-Fan looks into the McDonald's, which is something no one else had thought to do. And the McDonald's is closed. There's nobody in the McDonald's. And there is a line behind this guy who's been waiting, hoping that someone would just answer in a closed McDonald's drive-thru.

And had fucking like at least 30 cars wrapped around the McDonald's parking lot two times over and up a fucking hill. So it's all on that guy. It's all on that guy. You know what that is right there? That's hilarious. You know what that is right there? That is a perfect example of that sheep theory of if you just start lining up somewhere, people will come. Yeah. Yeah, man. That is so cool. Why wouldn't it be? We were just excited to have that.

McDonald's was open and everybody else was too. And it wasn't. And the dude was just sitting there in a line form behind him. And the dude just sat there and he's like, well, why isn't anybody talking back to me? And I was like, oh my God, is this really what she broke? And also, so is everything else. Is this really what Texas is about, man? Are people this fucking stupid? Hmm.

This is what the snow does to you. A single flick falls and you drive into the abandoned McDonald's and just sit there like, I'm ready for my McChicken. Just mouth agape, eyes glazed over. I'm ready for the chicken sandwich. I don't know if this was a linguistic issue on your part when describing the story, Shlap, but didn't you say that the guy had said to S-Fan,

that they haven't responded in a while, indicating that they did respond at some point. That's what Espen said he said. What that says to me is that someone was... There were people working there. No. And they responded to this guy. And then at a certain point, they just said, wait, why the fuck are we working right now? Let's get the hell out of here. And they all just like exit out through the back as the line increases. He like watches...

He just watches them like leave. He watches the lights turn off and he's just tapping on the wheel. - And he's like, "Well, that couldn't be related." - It's been a bit, hasn't it?

That could have been related. Oh, man. So what happened? So S-Fan discovers that it's closed. Does he just be like, dude, you're a dumbass. Screw you. And then he goes, no. Does the line dissipate? S-Fan's a nice guy. So he's like, oh, dude, they're closed. They're closed. And then he walks. He slowly walks down, knocking, knocking on every car's window, saying, dude.

There's no McDonald's. You know, they're fucking closed. And truck by truck just fucking passes. And the line dissipates. And then we go back to the gas station and get more fucking Jack Links. There's sores. There were sores on my tongue after a week straight, like of just eating the most processed, disgusting shit for a week. You could have had something else, right? No. I'm genuinely wondering.

Are you speaking on hyperbole right now? I'm not embellishing the fact that every day there was a bag of beef jerky on the table that I was eating. I was eating candy, beef jerky, and supplement milkshakes.

Good day for a streamer. Yeah, you sound like a kid on winter break or something. I know, man. I would have been super stoked about it a couple years ago, but my body just started rejecting it, dude. The target was the only fucking thing open, and it looked like a riot. You know what you need? It sounds like you need some vegetables. No, I don't think so.

I mean, everything's open now. So why are you guys so anti-vegetable, by the way? I don't like it. Why do you hate them so much? I don't know. I was just sort of joining on the hate train towards you. Because you must hate them, right? Because I noticed in the last episode something weird. Well, okay. You know, I don't like to refer to this stuff, but it's fine since right now we're not.

doing the show. Um, of course, just air it out. Something we should talk about when the show happens. Yeah. I'm going to refer to it now. Cause I'm not going to mention it when the show's live, obviously that would ruin the whole bit. The whole vibe would be off. The vibe would, the buy would be thrown out the window. Uh,

The vibe would be the McDonald's, right? We all be lining up with the vibe. There's not even a vibe. No vibe. No vibe. Here's the thing. I've been eating a vegetable on every episode, okay? First, I was just really hungry and I didn't have anything except tomatoes. And then, you know, I was like, broccoli, that's not so bad. This episode, I got an entire kale stem down my throat. And, you know, didn't really refer to that. And last episode...

I did spinach, right? Which there's nothing too crazy about spinach. It was just a tub full of spinach. And at the very end of the episode was my favorite moment of my recording, which was when I was like, all right, guys, see you later. And just in dead silence, I take the tub of spinach and I look up and I put it above my head and open it and it rains down on me.

Wow. Yeah. And I thought to myself, that is going to be, people are going to love this. Must've been real proud. I watched the episode and here's how it goes. Uh, you know, Schlatt's like, yeah. And Ted's like, okay, see ya. And I'm like, all right.

And then the episode ends. And then the episode ends. So there is a bit of an explanation for that. And for our audio listeners out there, we love you. I think you guys should know as well, since you guys aren't... You guys, you know, you may not be visual learners, but you can hear this. It's fine. You could have added a text-to-speech voice. Charlie throws... Charlie, don't spit in your face. Did you just do that without a...

Did you just do that while burning? Was that good? Was that good? That was incredible. Charlie, don't spin it on your face. Charlie, don't... How did you fucking do that? Give me something to say. I'll do it again. Um, say, uh, Schlatt, eat beef jerky every day. Schlatt, eat beef jerky every day. How the hell are you doing that? What the fuck? You got one of those, like, things that smokers use to talk? I...

The box that they pressed into the hole in their throat? No, no, no. Yeah, that one. Do this. Expel all of the air and then like talk inverted while inhaling. So like... Oh, there. Glad. That is weird that you can do that. That sounds eerily similar to that Moonbase. Yes, the Moonbase. Microsoft Moonbase. Yes, yes. There's no way that's real. What the hell? What the fuck?

That's fucking awesome. I love that. I thought it was something everyone could do. Well, let me try. Let me try. Yeah, give it a shot. Carly. Yeah. No, you're getting it. It's like that. It's like that. You just have to, like, find it. That does sound so high.

Charlie, it's okay. You will get there. It's okay. You will get there. Charlie, the way you like pronounce the words and the pauses and shit. It's the enunciation that matters. That's crazy. Holy crap. I don't even remember what I was saying. Oh, yeah. So Schlatt had to deal with his Texas situation. I deal with so much. Our main editor.

is also located in Texas and Tejas. And they were also without power. So let me tell you that episode went south. Actually, that's not actually the reason why. Well, well, we, we, we basically had another editor for, um,

the last episode that we did. And the situation was that, you know, our other editor, you know, they weren't fully in the know about Charlie's...

All you have to do is watch the footage. With the vegetables. You literally just have to watch the footage. What's the problem? Thank you, Schlatt, actually. Thank you for being on my side with this one. I'm just trying to give the editors a break here. It doesn't take a keen eye to see me putting leaves in my mouth like a fucking dinosaur every three seconds. You are being so mean to Scott right now. I'm like waving a...

around waving around a spinach. Hey, hey, Scott. Hey, editor, cut this out. Scott, I really respect what you do. Thank you so much for working for us. So this fucking ass, right? Oh, my God. Well, whatever the case, we released a statement on Twitter to

to try to, you know, the masses were furious. People were, they had pitchforks. They were, if we had a, if we had a headquarters, they would have marched all the way from wherever they are in the world, in the world tour, the, the chuckle sandwich headquarters. And they probably would have broken down the gate and we would have, I don't know, even know if we would have had a podcast.

if we did not release. They would have carried me out. They would have carried me out into a pre-built just huge tub of spinach. They would throw me in, and then they would just burn the headquarters down. Yeah, they'd have fastened a titanium chamber with atomic locks on it to lock Charlie. Atomic locks?

Tell me what the fuck an atomic lock is. It sounds impressive, doesn't it? It's accurate to the atom. Don't question me on this. I'm doing a bit right now. Okay, okay. It's just all fucking spinach. Ted is being funny, Charlie. We have to laugh.

What the fuck, Schlatt? Ted's being funny right now. He's talking about atomic locks. Suck my dick. I'm pissed. I'm sorry if I'm in a bad mood, Ted. Why are you focusing in on atomic? You, dude, you clearly have been. You know what this is? I think you're being a real jerky, Schlatt. Don't you call me a jerky. I will incite that. I will incite that. I think you're trying to start some beef, Schlatt.

Yeah, you like that? I did. I like that a lot. I will say, we're on the Chuckle Sandwich podcast, a podcast about being funny, how

having a good time and Schlatt's coming at me, making fun of me for trying to be funny. - Ted, I am in a completely fucking empty room. You have no idea the pain I've been through this week. - Schlatt. - First of all, I'm in the atomic room, right? Imagine you move in and there's nothing in the house and that fucking night, there's a one in a century time storm in Austin, Texas.

that takes the entire power grid out, the water's on a fucking boil order, but you can't do it because there's no gas. - Schlatt, I will say this. - I'm pissed. - I will say this. You talk about how there's an empty room and I should feel bad because you live in an empty room. - I'm in an empty room. - Why should you even be surprised if your heart's been empty this whole time, sir? - Oh. - Okay, I want an apology.

You ain't getting an apology from over here. Hey, listen, listen. You'll get an apology when you eat spinach funny on camera and then they cut it out. That's when you'll get an apology. Yeah, I think that... I'm standing over here until I get an apology. Whatever, dude. You're in the Atomic Cube. You're not getting out. You're not making it out of there. There's no door. It's got atomic locks. You're screwed, man. You've been banished to the Atomic Cube of loneliness.

No one here is going to say sorry, Schlatt. Schlatt, this is your own doing. Schlatt, if you ask for an apology one more time, we're taking you out of that cube and putting you in the void dome. You want the void dome, Schlatt? Remember when we had a fourth member of the podcast? No one else does anymore. Schlatt, because of his intense...

I suppose you could call it sort of a detox, a detox on beef jerky. He's reverted to his childlike tendencies and he's currently in the corner of a room, wah, wah, wah, like a little baby boy. Hopefully he returns. I can't, he's not even yelling anymore. He's just silent. Shlatt, what are you doing right now? Are you doing sit-ups?

He's exerting himself too much. Schlatt, all you got in there is beef jerky, man. You're going to look like beef jerky when you're done with that. You're all sad and wrinkly. At first he was asking for apologies, and now he's just moaning. Yeah, he's just moaning now. I don't know what this is. It's kind of weird.

Hey guys, I'm back. Where's the money? Oh, thank God. Schlatt's returned. Is there money for me? What are you talking about money? Oh my God, I've been bamboozled. No, the money that you chose as part of being on this podcast. Remember when I took you to Boa Steakhouse, bought you a nice steak and showed you that, that,

that receipt, that list, that line of napkins that lined all the way outside of the line of napkins that went entirely outside the restaurant, wrapped around the drive-thru and went up a hill. It seems like just a waste. Generally, it is a waste of napkins, but it does prove a very good point. Um, here's the thing, guys. Um,

I think that this could be considered a win for LA. Why is that? Fuck LA. Fuck LA. Fuck LA. Fuck LA. Screw LA. Oh, no. I wake up every morning to smog and I breathe it in and it tastes so good. I love LA. Just not. Breathe in the fucking smog. All right. All right. Fuck LA. If you could be one foot or have one leg, which just like straight down though, which would you choose? What?

Can you repeat that? If you... Okay. If you are either one foot tall... If you are either one foot tall or you had a one single leg coming straight down from your waist like spoink, which would you choose? Ha ha ha!

Pick one. Would you rather be one foot tall or have one foot and one leg? I guess one leg. A little tiny leg? I could blow up on TikTok going boing, boing, boing. I bet if you fucking made like you got like the letters for Pixar and you jumped on one, you would literally just become the most famous TikToker overnight. That's funny, dude. Just because of how...

Is it you can jump high? Is that what the situation is? No, it's just like if you had just like one symmetrical foot descending straight down from the crotch in the middle. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Again. And I cannot emphasize enough. Like spoink.

I don't know what spoink is, but I totally understand. I feel like I resonate with it. If it's funnier when you don't know what spoink is, I feel like I'm just going to not explain what spoink is. I don't know what spoink is, but I'll put spoink in the podcast chat. It's the fucking Pokemon that has the spring. Yeah, it's the pig Pokemon with a ball on its head. Fucking spoink.

It's a funny Pokemon. It's like, how are we supposed to... How are we supposed to... Like, it doesn't even... That's not even, like, a normal Pokemon name. Like, it doesn't have, like, a... Spoink. Everyone knows Spoink. Everyone knows Spoink. I mean, I... Visually, I know what it looks like, but I did not know that that's what its name was, was fucking Spoink. But I guess it makes a shit ton of sense. Speaking of limbs...

Okay, worrying. I was watching some, how's that for a segue? Speaking of limbs. Not super great, depending on where it's going. When you address the segue, it reduces in quality. Hey, let me go out on a limb here. Oh, shit! That's good! That's a fucking segue! Attaboy, dude, dap me up. I got you. Ow. Not that hard. Oh, that was weirdly sensual, what you just did.

There was a prank video. This woman was walking around a neighborhood, and this woman had one arm, and she'd knock on the doors of people's houses, and it was just her at the door. And the people would open the door and be like, hello? And she'd say, it wasn't me. Oh, okay.

So it was the stupidest thing I've seen in my entire fucking life. It doesn't really sound like much, I'll be honest. She walked up to people's doors. They didn't. They didn't. They're like, okay, you still have another arm, you know. You can knock. Like, bro, was it just opening the door, seeing one person and they're like,

It wasn't me. Like, what's the prank, though? Wait, wait, wait. So they have no arms or one? They have one arm. That's why it's silly. It's just ding dong. It's forgetting the ditch part of the ding dong. It would have been...

a more high like one of those if it was like one of those prank shows where it's like the secret camera just confusing people yeah like if it was like they had no arms and then there was a knock somebody knocked like for them or something and then they came and they were like it wasn't me or if it was a dog and they were like what and then the dog spoke and said it wasn't me oh that would be funny oh very true that would be funny or if it was like uh just a a monkey yeah

Or if we had, or if we, if we built the fake version of their house parallel to the real version of their house and switched it when they got back from work, uh,

So when they went inside and opened the door. Now we're talking. Now we're talking. Then the guy on the other side would say, it wasn't me. And the guy would go, what? It was you. And then the door leads into the house. The other guy was already in and the other person is outside and they knocked on the door the whole time. I've got something even better for you. You do the whole house switch thing. But when people come home, instead of it's like their normal home, except that there is just.

An overwhelming amount of owl clocks and owl statues. That's rather mortifying. Like, just, like, all those eyes. Maybe even a real owl on a perch. I think that would be really shocking. Just owls. And it would be a very expensive prank to do, is, like, make an entire separate house. Why wouldn't they just go in and put in... It doesn't make much sense to have an owl. Yeah, no, but instead they would make a house...

Like opposite of the original house so that when you leave the first house, you enter the second house. I think we should and we should fill the house with like sawdust. I'm having a really hard time imagining how they don't know where their house is that they go into the.

the fake house how do they that's you have the house but you build the other house that's facing the real house opposite of the real house and then across the street and then the others no no no like directly like door to door like door to door the front door of the fake house is connecting to the real door and then the back end of the fake house is the front end of the real house so when you open the door you walk into the real house and your back door is the front door to your real house

What sort of like reality bending dimension are you from, Charlie, where this would make sense? It's the atom door. Very impractical jokers. Incredibly impractical jokers. The atom door that is secured by an atom lock. The atomic pranksters.

The atomic... You've been pranked at a subatomic level! We should do a series on the Chuckle Sandwich channel where we do... It's like...

impractical jokers but we call ourselves the atomic pranksters and we just do stuff that is is we just do like fifth dimensional pranks like we put a door on the floor of a grocery store and eventually someone's gonna try to open that door maybe as long as you put a sign of like if you want to get to broccoli or something open this door and then under it is just like

Charlie's in it. Like he's under the floor, kind of like he's in a coffin, but it's just a door that you can see his face. And when they open, he says like some sort of chant or something. And that's the prank. He just talks in the robot. You said you wanted fifth dimensional shit. I feel like that would be, that is, I'm just thinking ordinary pranks, but at the very end, you just add a goosebumps twist.

So like, like you cover someone's house and post-it notes and then they, um, and then they try to take the post-it notes off after they're like, not funny. And they take it off. And instead of wall, there's just the void of space. And we're like, you've been trapped in the void dome. The void dome. We're getting back to the void dome. We're back to the void dome. I've got a good one. Imagine it's like, you're dressed up as like a normal mailman and you're delivering mail. Um,

And then you hand someone their mail and then they're like, oh, thank you for my mail, sir. Thank you so much for giving me my mail. Very real mailman. You say you're welcome. But then they look down and then their hands have become like eggs. And then they die. Well, no, they don't die. It's just really inconvenient because they can't like if they ever trip or something, they can't break their fall because then their hands. Because then they'll break their eggs. They'll break like eggs.

And that'll be the prank is that we turn their hands to very brittle eggs. Yeah, okay, okay. Hear me out. You're like, hey, to make an omelet, we got to crack a couple eggs. And then they crack their knuckles, but then they actually make an omelet. Whoa. That's something, right? That's got to be something. That's smart. Or like we do this joke where we start an ambulancing business.

But there's no ambulances? Oh, can you... Is there such thing as private ambulances, buddy? Yeah, of course. Of course. That's weird. Welcome to the United States. What if they just steal people?

Ted, stop right there. That's a great idea. Someone is just like dying of cardiac arrest and we're like, come on, you're coming with us. This is fake ambulance. No, no, no, no, no. They're on the bed. We tell them they're sick. They go into the bed. We tell them they've got like a week to live. They're dying on the hospital by their families around them. And they're like,

Guys, guys, guys. I have a really good one. I have a really good one. Okay. It's an ambulance. Someone's dying. They've had a heart attack. Oh, no. I mean, but like kind of whatever. You put them in the ambulance. It's cash ambulance.

Oh my god. It's cash cab, but it's an ambulance. If they get three questions wrong, we turn off the ventilator. Three questions wrong, we open up the back of the ambulance and we push the little cart out into the ongoing traffic. And it's like, and when the door opens, there's like fucking confetti and shit, like as if it's like this great thing.

This is so unbelievably fucked. This is so unbelievably fucked up.

Oh, that'd be so funny. But honestly, Ted, I don't think I'd be able to make it. Yeah, you don't think you'd be able to make it? I wouldn't be able to make that one. When eventually, maybe, if I was ever free, which I'm not. I mean, that sounds like an interesting thing to do. Well, surely you guys before, you know. No, I just, look, man, I've had a rough week. This is the end. I've had a rough week. I've been busy. I've been freezing. I've been cold. Yeah, I'm out of vegetables. Yeah, yeah.

I don't see how we can really go on. I mean, hey, that's the meat and the veggies right there, Ted. What do we got left? The bread? You know? Here's a question for you guys. What type of sandwich is the chocolate sandwich? And we'll talk about that on the episode. On the real episode. Okay. All things aside, thanks so much for listening to the Chocolate Sandwich Podcast. It was a ruse this whole time. I was actually recording the podcast. What?

And your hands are eggs. Whoa, whoa, whoa. My hands are eggs. Why are my hands eggs? I'm done, bro. I'm done. Was I in the void dome this whole time? Why can't I remember the face of my mom? What? I've been atomic pressed. You can't. Thanks for the beef and we'll jerk you later. See ya.