Schlatt's Plan to Get Ripped ft. Will Neff
01:08:24 Share

- Don't you love calling guys like you need something done? - Yeah. - You just call a guy and he shows up. - Yep. - Isn't that awesome? Just like this world we live in, that a guy is like on demand and he'll come whenever you want. He just comes. - It is really nice. He just comes all over. And I think the best kind of guy to come is the one that just,

They don't really say anything that it's just they communicate like Kratos. Like they just come in with a bunch of grunts. Yeah. They come in, they're like, you're like, yeah. Yeah. And you're like, exactly. I can't hang my acoustic foam panel.

You gotta help me. Please, step guy, help me hang up a painting. Yeah, and he fucks you in the ass. Yeah.

And Will, you're kind of a loosey-goosey, fun little boy. I have no choice but to be loose these days. Okay, well you need to elaborate on that one. I'm a dyslexic fuck. My organization is bad. I just need to flow from one thing to the next because I cannot plan anymore. You're like a river.

I didn't know you were dyslexic. Oh, huge. Hugely. Really? Really bad. Oh, wait, dude. Is that why the thing in the back says neef instead? Yeah. It says fen. It says fosh hosh hosh. Does that ever get in the way of you getting shit done?

So I read by context, which means that like a lot of times if I'm reading out loud, people will kind of realize that I'm not reading the actual words. I'm kind of reading like the groupings of words a lot of times and I'll like get one or two words just completely wrong. The other thing is I have like a lot of kind of the weird spooky stuff that like is like

around dyslexia where I have like a really hard time sequencing things like I still have a really hard time putting the months of the year in order or like associating numbers with something it's very strange my brain works in like

a giga ADHD way, which is probably why I'm so creative, right? You gain strength in other places. Your character tree is weird. Honestly, that's a great way to describe it, the character tree. Like, I lost a shit ton of points in the math category, the point where I didn't take it in my senior year in high school. But, man, it was put in different spots. That's for sure. I'm glass cannon build. So, for example, I had to get...

a special allowance in my high school because I went to a boarding school and I had really good grades except for foreign language. And it was baffling because I took three different foreign languages and I could always speak them. - What? - But I could never write them and I would fail every test. But my teacher would be like, he knows all these words, you just can't spell any of them. So I failed three different language courses and they gave me a special allowance to complete high school without a language course. - Wow.

Do you speak any languages fluently right now? No, I used to know a lot of Spanish because both my mom and dad are fluent in Spanish. But now that I'm not around them every day, you lose it. You lose it fast. I did a documentary in Cuba one time in a organic book.

Where I filmed about sustainable farming and my Spanish was pretty good when I was down there. Wow. It had to be, though, because I lied that I was fluent. I was in grad school and there was like three different trips. There was one to Portugal. There was one to...

forget where the other one was and then the last one was to cuba and at this point cuba was still pretty off limits to anybody but students yeah and my dad spent a portion of his youth growing up in cuba um and i was like so i really want to see cuba and at this point fidel wasn't dead he was just missing so i was like this might be my only shot

So I lied on my college application. They're like, how good are you at Spanish? I was like, fluent. No problem. So when we get to Cuba. I was basically born in Cuba. Yeah. When we get to Cuba, I was like the film element of this kind of social media effort because I was a film major. And we get down there and our handler meets us and starts speaking to us in Spanish.

And I was like, oh, where's our translator? And they kind of look around. They're like, it's you. You're fluent in Spanish. And I was like, oh, wait, you said that out loud. I put it on an application. No, no. You said when you got there after lying on the application, you get there and like, where's my translator? I said it to my one friend who was like essentially the cameraman for the project. I was like, he's talking to us in Spanish. Is he going to talk to us more in English? And they're like, no, no, no, no, no.

he's gonna talk he's talking to you like you're the translator and i was like oh so i had to figure out my spanish fast dude did it work out i mean like how hard was that because he knew some english a lot of cubans knew some english i think from watching a lot of baseball like that's where i started with a lot of them was like

baseball stuff, but I knew enough to get us through. I think some people kind of, they were like, I don't know if Will knows what the fuck he's talking about. Because there would be long sentences and I would come back and I'd be like, okay, he said dinner is sometime later. And I think he mentioned that... And I think he mentioned something about a cow. We...

We're just going to see. It's a surprise. It's a surprise. We'll fix it in post. Yeah, but that was a lot of fun, man. That was one of my favorite. Cuba is fucking incredible, dude. Do they have those? Is that whole thing with the cars from the 50s, is that like a legit thing? Oh, dude. One of the things that blew my mind is someone went by in like a pristine 1950s Oldsmobile.

And I'll never forget, he's driving with one hand, and in the other hand, he had a bottle of water, like a liter of water, with a piece of tubing that he had going directly to the radiator.

because obviously the coolant was cracked or something. So he was like line dripping water to the radiator to keep it from overheating while he was driving. And I was like, that's nuts. They are so good at keeping these cars running. It would blow your mind. I mean, that is crazy. I mean, I feel like you'd be really hard pressed to find...

like a pristine version of any of the cars that they have there in the U S which is wild. They keep them running. Like they keep them running long after death. There's no reason that most of these cars should be running. Do they not get new ones? That was like kind of what our documentary focused on is because there were, they were kind of, um,

by the United States in a way that they could, there was no trade, right? They weren't really, there was a lot of all these embargoes. Yeah. And so they've become these like fiercely self-reliant people and,

And so like the documentary was on their sustainable farming, which it's crazy because this small island, Cuba, which, you know, a lot of people look at and be like, oh, they're, you know, around the poverty line. What would they know about advanced sustainable farming? Their sustainable farming practices are like light years beyond the United States where they sustain like full parts of the city with these farms.

with these organic farms that are in like the middle of a city. So you're driving through a city and then there's just like this central park of like sustainable farming and they're incredible at it.

That's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tucker, you'd probably get a kick out of that with your environmental science major. Yeah, that sounds awesome. It's funny you mentioned Cuba. I was on Google Maps the other day, and if you go to the street view of Cuba, I was looking at all the antique...

Or the vintage vehicles and stuff. It's stunning. Yeah. I mean, it's a real... I think it's fully open now. I haven't been keeping track. I'm a bad human being. I've totally tuned out from politics and stuff. I didn't even know there was a fucking space launch last night. But it's definitely worth going.

The food, the dancing, cigars, go see a baseball game. It's incredible. It's crazy, man. I would love to travel a little more, but I don't know if Cuba was the first place I had in mind. It should be high on your list. Really? It's wild, man. It's crazy beautiful. The people are shockingly beautiful.

Just awesome. So when I went down, I kind of did some research and people were like, dude, bring a backpack full of baseballs and MLB stuff and you will be the most popular guy in town. And at one point I filmed this thing where I went to the town square and there were dudes just playing baseball in the town square. And I went up and I was like, hey guys. And I pulled a Yankees hat out and a baseball and I was like, and people were like, what?

It was, yeah, they were fucking juice. So they let me just film them play baseball and hang out with them. And they were awesome. And they showed me around like legitimately awesome human beings. Dude, that is cool. That is so cool. It's always so fun to have,

- It's such a rare, specific experience to go to another country and then have a sort of experience with the people who live there that sort of also requires you to cross the language barrier a little bit. - Yeah, yeah. - I know I've talked about my trip to China, but have I talked about that sister school I went to on the podcast ever? - You've talked about the basketball story from China. - Oh, okay. Did I talk about the arm wrestling story? - No, I don't think I've heard the arm wrestling story. - I'm ready for this.

so here we fucking go baby so for people people already know that i went to china in like 2015 or something for a trip that tucker and i's high school up just decided to have it wasn't even like crazy by the way it wasn't completely nuts chinese class or anything like that like i went and didn't know a lick of the language like i know like booyah and like

What does Booyah mean? It just means I don't want when you're in, like when you go to fucking Beijing and they're trying to sell you a little... A little fast leave me alone Booyah. Yeah, like a little red booklet that has like Mao Zedong's like fucking manifesto on it. And that's probably what they teach the Chinese people when they go to a place like New York City and people are like, hey man. Yeah.

Have you heard of Joseph A. Smith? When you're walking by the fucking Empire State Building, they're trying to sell you a helicopter tour. But we went to this, we went to Xi'an and there was this sister school that we went to that we were partnered up with people. It was like this private school. It was called Xi'an Number One High School is its English translation, which I think is hilarious. I love that.

And it was just one of those things where like the kids there knew like limited English, but they knew English way better than I knew any fucking Mandarin, which was, I mean, it made me feel like a piece of shit. But at one point, I don't know how this came about, but I got involved in a China versus America political scheme. Yeah.

political scheme in this, in China, in the sense with limited, with limited Mandarin, in the sense that I somehow got involved in like a bunch of kids from, from the U S on my side and a bunch of the kids from Shion number one high school. And we, I was arm wrestling a dude somehow. I don't know how this came about, but,

that was the political debate. This had global political implications. It did. It was like, is, is future famous YouTuber, Ted Nivison going to beat random kid from Sheon number one high school? Who knows? Oh, I was, um,

like 16 or something like that. So Barack Obama was monitoring the situation. No, they had a fucking, they had black Hawks around the, around the school. They had one of those with Tucker. What's that a stealth? What's that stealth thing? That's that flies overhead. A stealth bomber. Yeah. A B2. Yeah. They had a fucking B2 flying overhead in the, in the fucking stratosphere. And I, it was crazy because it was like,

- The first time around I was like, oh, this kid isn't gonna be, he's not gonna be good at arm wrestling. This is obviously a purely American ordeal. Like there's no way that he would know about how this works. Wrong. He like pretty much beat me the first time, but then, and everyone's like screaming and stuff and I'm like, I can't do that. I have to, I have to come-- - You have to fight for your country. - Summon my nationalism. - I have to fight for my country. Obama would have my head. I'd be going straight to Guantanamo if I let-- - Then I proudly stand up!

You heard some eagles softly going in the background? Yeah. So like an anime character, I was like, no, it's not over. And I get up and I go and I like put my whole fucking being, like it must have been like a fucking joke at one point. But then I come back and I'm like, and then I win. And then it's like crazy on our side. And then it's like sort of like, oh, he won when we won one. And then it's like, you know. Wow.

All right. We've settled the score. The scene from Bucket Predator. Yeah. Dylan, you son of a bitch. The third match?

There wasn't a rubber match? There wasn't a third match. But if you've never heard the story, the basketball story, I can summarize it really quick, Will. It was like we were brought to a, we were brought to their gym, their PA center or whatever, and all the kids were there. We were going to be doing something there. I think we were just supposed to like

you know, do sports or whatever in the gym. And me and a couple of the guys that were also on this trip were like, oh, they've got basketball hoops. We'll just shoot some basketball. So we ask around and we're like, hey, there are basketball hoops here and we're just kind of standing around. Can we get some basketballs? And they're like, oh, yeah, yeah, no, we'll play basketball. And so we're like, okay, cool. And we're waiting for a little bit. And then all of a sudden it's like,

They start to like make a crowd around the basketball court and we're like, what is going on? And, you know, we played basketball, but it was, they brought in their basketball team. Oh, and it's like me and like four other dudes that are just like random kids from, from fucking,

Our high school, our Massachusetts high school, we're not on the basketball team. And there's this one dude who's like 6'5", and he's like 16 years old. And we're like, what? And we play a whole – and I mean khakis. I mean khakis and like a fucking long sleeve. And we're playing a whole game of fucking basketball with these guys. I'm sweating. I'm like fucking – and these guys are like they've got the fucking –

Arm warmer on and stuff. Yeah, the shooting sleeve. They look like creative players from NBA 2K. And that story basically ends with at one point I rejected that dude who was like 6'5". He was trying to go off for it. And then later on I hear that apparently that dude was going into Chinese professional basketball. So that's my claim to fame. You said boo-yow. I said boo-yow.

Did you win the game, Ted? No, no, we didn't. At one point, they had to bring, they had to give us one of their players.

At one point, they put one of their players on our team, and all of a sudden, we got one of theirs. I would just say, be thankful you didn't ask to use their diving pool, because from what I understand, they're the best divers in the world, and they would have fucking destroyed you. China's the best at a lot of shit. I'm not going to lie. At least basketball, you had a fighting chance.

They love basketball, though. They got their NBA thing there. Yeah, man. That's why it's such a big deal when someone from the NBA says that Taiwan is real. And then they're like, LeBron, you got to say something about this. And he's like, just not smart. And then he goes, Nike wouldn't like it. Being chilling.

um that's a good story ted i love that yeah no it was one of the craziest things to happen i wish i wish i had more fucking stories about just being in in cool places zero foreign enrichment in my entire life and i think it's abundantly obvious based on the type of person i've become you're at a crossroads you can either travel and enrich yourself or you become a grunt guy

- Dude, what if I could be both? - That's true. - What if I could be both? - That's true. - No, you can't be both. - No, you can't be both? - Why would you wanna be a grunt guy though? - No one is making their ways down the channels of Venice, and the guy's like, "Oh, which, grazie! "You want to get the linguine later?" You know what I mean? No, you're touched by the magic.

I went to Ireland once. I was six years old. The only thing I remember from that fucking god-awful country is the plants that have spikes on them. They're called nettles. It's the only bit of knowledge I retain from that fucking shithole.

I was like, yeah, I get why you guys forgot how to make potatoes. It's just, it's absolutely miserable there. Schlatt just unearthed trauma. I just have this vision of six-year-old Schlatt chocked full of nettles like a fucking porcupine. Dude, we were playing frisbee. We brought a frisbee on the trip somehow. We were throwing it with our fucking Irish ancestors and I run into a bush full of nettles and I'm like, yeah!

And they're like, oh, no, don't go into that. A little late to tell me. I go inside. I'm fucking bleeding. Like, my arms, my legs are fucking shredded. And they're like, yeah. Oh, sorry. We forgot to tell you about the fucking nettles that are all around this country. And then they say, it's all right. Here's a beer. Yeah. And I say, booyah. I say, booyah. I went to Australia, but that's not very different. Yeah. Yeah, that's probably the least in – that's like – Yeah.

That's the least rotation of the crop circle there in terms of enrichment. Australia is like Thunderdome United States. You know what I mean? It's like Mad Max United States a little bit. Yeah. It did feel a little more dangerous. A lot more poisonous spiders. Did you see the movie Nope? Nope. I don't know if you're... That's Nope question mark? No. No.

The last movie I watched was Everything Everywhere All at Once. And it was the best movie I've seen all year. And I decided I would stop watching movies this year. I loved that movie. You should see. Nope. There's a lot of chimpanzee attacks in it. There is a lot. It's a very prevalent theme. It's quite a bit. It's like you start watching that movie and from the get-go, you're like, man, chimpanzee attack.

You'd like it. I think you'd, I, you know, it's one of those things where I think that most people I'd be like, expect to be shocked. But then for that scene for Schlatt, I just think that he'd be guffawing the whole time. What do you mean that scene? Is there a chimpanzee attack scene? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. There is? Big time. Specifically. Yeah. It's like 10 minutes long. What the fuck? Why did no one tell me?

That's what I'm telling you now. I gotta go see this fucking film. I got a short list. I got Nope now and I got All Quiet on the Western Front. I want to see that shit too. Like somebody walks out of the movie theater after seeing Nope and they're running to the fucking phone booth to like trying to get you on the line. Yo, slut! Fucking chimpanzee attack scene! Dude, I wish we telegraphed more.

That is an opinion that you hold only. With telegraph. Okay. You want to, you want to like it. What is, what is different? What is so great about telegraphing that you couldn't get in? Like just sending like an old fashioned letter. It just feels so urgent.

Something about Morris code just feels so fucking urgent. That's true because you don't know what's being said. You have to decipher it. And if it is urgent... Do you think anybody sexted via telegraph? Oh, definitely. That's a question no one's ever... Do you think some dude was just sitting there? Well, sexting is almost inherently urgent based on your hormones. Your horniness. It's a hormonal urgency. But now just imagine...

Some guy's sitting there. Can you hear this? I assume, I'm getting hints of it, but it sounds like you're doing the go XLR beep thing. Yes, I'm doing the go XLR beep. And some guy's sitting there and he's like, oh, you want me to do what? Wait, wait, what's she saying? Scribble song down. Oh, nasty.

Some guy's in the room next door. He's like piecing it together. He's like, that's just awful. They're sending SOS. I think they're coming. Wait, no. Thomas Edison did this, according to Reddit. Yeah. Thomas Edison taught his second wife Morse code so they could communicate in secret. Oh.

That's incredible. Dude, what a fucking homie. So Thomas Edison. Treacherous Thomas getting his rocks off via the telegram. Damn. Wow. There is something urgent about, well, here's the thing. There is an equation that's required for the urgency of the telegram because you can't be the one to know that you got the telegram. You need a person to come into the room and say, sir, you've got a telegram.

That's true. That's like an important aspect of receiving a telegram is you need to hire someone to... To interpret the beeps and write it into smut. Write it into smut and then come in and say, sir, you've got a telegram. You have a fucking liaison going back and forth. Yeah, I want to come in you. And he's just like, ah, God, sir. Yeah, I used to work for the war effort. What the fuck is this?

You've got like one of the Navajo code talkers doing it encrypted for you so that nobody can figure out what you're saying. The wind talkers. Yeah, dude. Encrypted fucking sex telegrams. Oh, shit. That's good. That's good memes right there. That's really funny. I don't know if I'm too nostalgic for the telegram. I mean, it's.

I don't think any of us are old enough to be. It's before my time, but... Yeah, Will, but you're nostalgic about telegrams, given how old you are. Yeah. I remember the telegram like it was yesterday. You know what I miss? Huh? I miss the flip phone T9 predictive text. That's what I miss. I grew up on that shit. Everyone else was starting to get iPhones and shit. My parents were like, nah, you're sticking with that Motorola Razr. You could fly. Are you using an iPhone? Yeah.

I have an iPhone now, yeah. They have a version of it. They do? You just leave your finger on the phone and start tracing the letters. Oh, yeah, I do that. I've never understood. I'm talking about like you get the keypad, the nine numbers. You got to hit one three times to get to C, yeah. I feel like in order to use that swipe thing, though, you have to have like a brain that thinks in the fourth dimension. Like I have never, I've tried it before, and I do not know how it fucking works. No, no.

I used to do the predictive text, though. He's right. I think the swipe thing you can teach your brain because when I taught tennis, I taught with a girl who would text in her pocket. Huh? Yeah. Using predictive text. And it was crazy. She would like. So you weren't even mad. You were impressed. No, she was my coworker. Oh, I thought this was like a student that was like. Take her phone out. She would get the get the message quickly. And then she would put her phone in her pocket and do this.

That is fucking crazy. Yeah. That's fucking nuts. Yeah. How do you even... A wizard. I mean, people were good at texting back in the keypad era. I almost exclusively used the swipe feature. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm very good at it. But...

Question, did your dyslexia hamper your texting ability? And this is from a pure curiosity, not being like, ha ha, you're dyslexic. I've sent and posted some things that are just wrong. They're just nonsense? They're just wrong. There's so many tweets. What's the worst one? And then your whole audience is like, ha ha. We'll just post it gobbledygook again. Dude, but you could ruin them. You could ruin them.

You could tear him down. You could say, that's ableist. I'm not stooping to that. Oh, you think it's a stoop? Ted, I'm not missing a leg. I can't read. The people that are allowed to use ableism, I'm not one of them. Okay? Oh, my. Ted, I'm not missing a leg. I can't read.

Okay, fair. Fair point. I think that some people should be able to use the ableism badge. I'm just not one of them. Let me clarify by saying that, right? Which is why my zombie apocalypse plan is so anti-ableist because of the ramps.

Listen, I've experienced things like this, okay? Where people steal some valor. You want to know what valor is getting stolen all over the place that I can't stand? Freckles, okay? You've got freckles. I got freckles. I've seen you with your shirt off. Somewhere like five years ago, it became vogue to have freckles. And all these fucking wannabes started getting freckles tattooed on them.

Huh? Tattooed? You guys don't know this? No. What the fuck? I'm learning now. I'm learning now. This became a huge thing. A bunch of mostly women. I don't mean to...

I don't mean to be gender specific. Well, now, live now on the Chuckle Sandwich podcast saying tattoo freckles are a specifically woman problem. Scott, could you put like a little news ticker under him right now? Thank you. It's like, I think it's like tattoo and henna freckles. A lot of people started doing them. Wow. Are we finding any information on this? Yeah, this seems to be a pretty big thing.

And they last. They're semi-permanent, so they're not as permanent as a real tattoo. This is saying six months to ten years. But it might as well be. Yeah.

I got my ass kicked growing up for having freckles. You got your ass kicked? Someone said, look at you with your weird dots on your face. Let me beat the shit out of you. Oh, for sure. Really? What were their names? My family used to hold me down and play connect the dots. Wait, who? As though my freckles would draw something in the constellation of the swirling melons.

on my skin, but it was nothing. It was just them butchering me with a ballpoint. Wow, that must have been painful too. A ballpoint? Not even a Sharpie? Not even the fucking honor to use a Sharpie with a ballpoint. It wasn't accurate enough. A ballpoint pen does not work on skin. So I'll tell you, I ended up in a situation. I ended up in a real Mexican standoff at one point because a girl I knew

got tattooed freckles and I approached her and I said, you know, I was trying to be magnanimous. I said, I like your new freckles. And she said, Oh yeah, they really come out when the sun's out. And I said, I said, jerk. And, and it was one of those things like curb your enthusiasm where sometimes you can let things go and sometimes you just can't.

And I looked her dead in the eyes and I said, are you fucking kidding me? And I did this. And I showed her that I am covered, head to toe in freckles. And I went, those aren't real freckles. And she said, no, of course they are. I've had them my whole life. I could have walked away. I could have accepted that she was insecure about getting freckle tattoos. No. I pulled up her fucking Instagram and I went back. With her standing there? Standing. And I go,

where are the freckles here's you in a bathing suit lots of sun there where are they then and she was like to me she's like you just can't see them there and i went you say that you got them done it's okay i don't mind just admit it wow would not admit it that is wild yeah i've heard people getting tattoos of like hairline so that they look

So that they can just be bald and pretend like they still have a little bit of stubble going on. I've never heard of the fucking freckle thing. That's nuts. Honestly, the freckle thing seems less intense than the fucking hairline one. Are you talking about the straight up, it looks like a buzz cut, but it's just straight up. Yeah, it looks like a buzz cut, but it's just tattoo. It's just tattoo all the way around. There's so many levels worse than freckle tattoos, I feel like.

I don't think that is. You're not like, I mean, I guess you're kind of pretending. I don't mind the freckle tattoos. But when you've... You just hated this person. I didn't hate this person. I just hated that this person that I knew wouldn't admit. Dude, it's like if I showed up tomorrow...

And I clearly had a Brazilian butt lift, right? My ass is just gigantic. And you're like, well, what happened? And I'm like squatting. And you're like, I saw you a week ago. There's still bloody bandages on your ass. What are you talking about? Your ass is going further than your hips. What are you talking about? I got a great new trainer. And you're like, what?

What are they putting? Cantaloupe in your skin? Then you're like, wait, look at this picture of your ass I took the other day. Exactly. Would you guys ever get a Brazilian butt lift? Maybe for content? Would me or Schlatt get a Brazilian? I think that would be a great fucking video. I wouldn't, but I imagine Tucker might. You seen that guy on TikTok who's got the big butt? Yes, but I think that's fake.

That is definitely an implant. Yeah. Oh, it's an implant? No, like he just kind of puts them in his pants, you know? I think he's made a video showing the actual thing, and it was like a... Oh, yeah, the guy that runs everywhere? Yeah, the guy that runs everywhere. He's always got like a security team with him in those videos? Yeah, no, he's totally just a costume. But what if you did that? I have considered...

- No. - You didn't let me finish. You didn't let me finish what I was gonna say, Ted. - To start with that is such a strong open. You know, when talking about a Brazilian butt lift or an implant in your ass. - I'm not talking about a Brazilian butt lift. I'm not talking about an implant in my ass. - I'm not talking about an implant in my ass. - So for you to say, "I have considered," is a tough open. - It has to do with body modification. - Okay. - I have considered more than once

the uh of filming you know a shit ton of videos in advance and then working on them over the course of maybe like six months so there's a drip feed of videos from when i filmed them back at the beginning of the year told me about this i've definitely told you about this and then the second i'm done filming all those videos

I start putting steroids in my ass, like anabolic steroids. And then for the next three, four months, I'm just living in the gym. Yeah. And I will blow up like a balloon. I will get insanely shredded. And then once the videos run out, I'm just back. The audience thinks nothing happened. But all of a sudden...

I'm just huge. Yeah. Just like out of nowhere. I'm just absolutely yoked. I think that'd be fucking hilarious. They're like, what the fuck happened in a week? That would be amazing. Cause they're still seeing the shit from a year ago. You'd turn into Peter Griffin though when he went on steroids though.

Or Stewie when he flew. No, it was Peter who went on steroids. I think at one point everybody in the show was jacked. There was an episode where Stewie was jacked. There was an episode where Brian was jacked. That is true. That is true. Yeah, I just specifically remember the one where Stewie got jacked and then he could fly with the skin flaps. Oh, yeah. Well, all right. So the big thing where I think about this idea where it kind of like

It's kind of like iffy, you know, is that steroids are harmful in the long term. Yeah. But if I just do one round of them, you know, I just do one cycle and I get really big just for a joke, you know, it would be such a good bit and no one's ever done it before. Tucker, we're going to need some information on the steroids. Yeah, I got a guy I can... If you want to come after this, I have a guy who can help you. My cock already doesn't work. No, I don't do steroids. It already can't get hard. So, like, I don't see the problems. I'm not going to name names, but...

Well, what's the disadvantages of doing steroids? I know that there are plenty, but I don't know what they are. You can schwack your testosterone up. It's very hard on your organs, so you can't really be drinking and doing stuff like that.

I already put a beating on my body. I mean, it's been carrying 100 pounds extra weight for like a couple of years now. You're not a heavy guy. You're not a rotund person. I gained probably 70 pounds since COVID started.

But I think I also turned 21 around that time. And so I don't know if it was the COVID or I don't know if it was my incessant daily drinking. Might have been the latter. Might have been the latter. Sitting around all day and drinking will definitely make you big. I've finally gotten back in shape to where I was before COVID. I'm hitting that last phase. I remember seeing your Twitter post where you posted a photo of you looking hot.

And you were like, you were like, it was you at 30 and you were like, I'm looking to get back to this point. I remember seeing that post. And so you, you felt like you, you've done it. I'm starting to get a little cranked again. Yeah. I'm entering the last phase where it's like cutting down again. Cause you put the size on and then it's like, you strip away the, the gunk. So you, wow.

I had a follow-up thing, and then as I was opening, it just left my mind. So I remember it. You work out for two hours a day. I do. That's wild to me. Really? Tucker, you also work out for a similar amount. Yeah, usually like an hour, sometimes a little bit more, sometimes a little bit less.

God, it's just wild to me. I feel like I give myself so many excuses to just not put that in my schedule that one or two hours just sounds like an insane amount of time to be working out for. Yeah. But it's not. You get hooked on it and then you fit everything else in your schedule around it.

Yeah. Me, Ted, you and me, we've got two hours a day. We do. We do. We always do. Of any sort of person doing any sort of job in the entire world, we have the most opportunity to go to the gym than anyone. I have a huge advantage, though, in that I love working out. It's my favorite part of the day. It's like a meditative thing for me. I listen to music. I watch what I want. It's like...

silent. You know what I mean? I,

I enjoy that period of my day more than any other period of my day. So that's a huge advantage. But I think if you're not one of those people who enjoy working out, I think you should just get a trainer. Like there's such an advantage in someone just telling you to be like, do that. And then you do, you know, do what they say. How did you get into working out initially? My dad thought I was a fat kid and he gave me a gym membership for Christmas when I was 11.

And I started going. Are you still working out at a public gym? Yeah. Yeah. I like real. So it's interesting. I was a member at the bougie gym in Los Angeles. Equinox. And I fucking hated it. I fucking hated it. It was just a different vibe.

I needed to be back where the metal was. I needed to be back where there was like palpable testosterone in the air and weights were slamming and a dude had his shirt off. You know what I mean? So you said something interesting there. I fucked with that way more. Cause I, the other gym Equinox, it's gorgeous. It's really nice. But like you have like,

influencers like on their phone, like recording a song. And then they get pissed at you when you like walk by. They're like, dude, that was for the gram, man. Yeah. Or like the other thing you get at really nice gyms is people doing these insane circuits where they're using like eight different pieces of equipment at the same time. And you're like, okay, dude,

Come on, man. And it was just always packed and people were moving so slow and no one's actually sweating. I like that fucking dirty gym. You like to smell blood and salt. Yeah, they also have better equipment. I feel like

Really nice gyms have a lot of really good cardio equipment, which is who the fuck needs that? Just run. Just get on a treadmill and fucking run. But like they don't have like the heavy hitting. I'm going to develop my fucking lats weird like torture rack type. I mean, like just these archaic.

stretching racks and fucking, you know what I mean? Like a medieval torture machine. Exactly. You need those. And that's like what really gives you the bomb. Wow. I pay $27 a month. Is that Anytime Fitness? It is. Or is it LA Fitness? It's LA Fitness. Yeah, that's what I was looking to go to next from.

from what I have now. I'll bring it in. Because I'm fucking, I'm like, I was going to it and I was like, it's nice, but like, I don't fucking need it. It's also expensive. And it's like. Teddy, I'll bring you in. And then that way you and Schlatt can reveal the chat bodies at the same time. I think the biggest thing that I need is I need some peeps to go with. Just someone to show up with someone else, I feel like is so important that it's like. We're going next week. Who are you?

Well, yeah, I've got to get you that little guest pass. Do it. We're going every day I'm out there. Yeah. You've got to order something. I'm going to keep you honest, man. That's good. You've got to order some creatine, too. Some No Explode. Some of the Cold Stone Creamery protein powder. You will get so yoinked if you do that. Yoinked in a good way or a bad way? Yeah, big. Have you ever done pre-workouts?

I've tried a pre-workout like, but it's just like one of those ones that's like caffeine. And I'm like, this is, this doesn't even, this doesn't even hit, but this hits barely as hard as my fucking ADHD medicine does in an eighth form. That's right. As a boomer, as a guy who remembers the telegraph, let me say pre-workouts used to be way better. Okay. That old shit. Oh,

It's not the same if your hands aren't fucking. Yeah. There was coke in the pre-workout. Oh, dude. So many of them got banned. So many of them got banned by the Food and Drug Administration. Like they would release them and you could buy them before. Like there was one called Muscle Marinade at one point.

And it was like, you took it, and it was like pulling the pin on a grenade. You had 30 minutes to be in a gym working out, or you were shitting your brains out. You just sick. You would fucking take that shit, and you'd just, you know. Dude, honestly, that's kind of how Tucker described his pre-workout experience to me, though, when he was still in the Marines. Like, he'd be like, dude, I'm taking this pre-workout, and if I'm not, in the next 20 minutes, if I'm not in a gym, I'm feeling like I need a punch. Die.

Yeah. Yeah. And we used to. It was good stuff. What did you take? I don't know. Back then, I don't know. I was just going with my buddies because I was just getting into hitting the gym and I would just take whatever they handed me. Oh, shit. Do you ever take any rip fuel? I don't know. I know they had. Okay. I know that they have that in the Marines and it's basically methamphetamines. Rip fuel and muscle marinade.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, baby. I got to start working out, man. You just got to get into the business of naming them because it seems like they'll take anything. The most as as a partially grunty guy. It really it will take you to the next level. I have a home gym. I'm I'm get don't go to your home gym. Well, I'm at the point, man, where I would feel very comfortable.

like insanely conscious about who's around me in a gym because in Austin, everyone knows I'm there. And a lot of the gyms, like a lot of young kids. And so unless I went to anytime fitness at like 3am, which is something I used to do, uh, I would be very nervous and like, fuck who's watching me type type things. I went to a restaurant the other night. I got two steps in the door. I took two, two photos with two of the workers.

Really? Yeah, man. And so as much as I want to be out doing stuff. No, I mean, I, I like attention, but when it gets in the way of like something I'm actually trying to do, like Ted, when you were trying to walk through the convention center, it gets a little right. Like, yeah, no, that was a, that, that kind of sucked a little bit. It's weird. It's, it's like a, it's a double, I mean, it is literally a double-sided sword.

It is the definition of a double-sided sword. Because it's like...

The reason it's happening is as a result of your success. And I don't hate it. I don't hate it. But sometimes when you're late for something or you're trying to make something, that's when it hits different where you're like, oh, oh, I have to keep moving. But you're so nice. And I don't want to fucking, I don't know. I feel like you deal with it in a different way, though, Schlatt. I feel like you're like, ugh. And then they're like, ugh. I'm a grunt guy. Yeah, that's what I do when I walk. Ugh.

Are you Shlet? Yeah, exactly. Take their phone. Just give it back. There really is a difference in how people approach you, though. You know what I mean? There's some people that approach you and you're just like, oh, man, you're so sweet and polite. And then there are other people and you're like, oh, no. And those people will probably be at the gym recording me doing like one plate on the bench press. But you know, Will. Yeah. You...

are probably the most famous acting boy that I've met. You carry yourself in such a famous way. Like when we're going on a flight to Philly and I've got main cabin and I walk into this flight and I see Will Neff sitting his little true ass down.

on a first class seat he's sitting there with his fucking big puffy jacket he's looking there he's looking up at me he's looking embarrassed we had the option for point crow party to tell them what so why were you on the flight let's let's back up here yeah i guess the context the context is so will and i and several others we can cut it out if you want but i think it's great um

The we were Eric point Crow he's a twitch streamer. He had this massive event that was a real-life IRL Mario Party they were doing it in in Pennsylvania and it was like this Massive massive set it was like it was huge. It was life-size and

And they were flying a bunch of people out to be the NPCs and also players. Will, you were doing Luigi. And I was the shopkeeper. And it was Woody Woods, which is, if you guys know Mario Party, it was the one with the two, the happy tree and the angry tree. But yeah, so we had the, they took care of everything. It was really, really cool. I mean, they got hotels, they got meals, they got fucking. And so we had to fill this Google form. And they had the option of like, what sort of,

Class of flight do you prefer and for me? I was like maybe the comfort plus because I'm a bigger dude and I'd like that room and So I get some main cabin I get some comfort plus and I get to the airport and I'm chatting with Wilkes We're on the same flight and then they call first class and will turns me and he's like, all right, it's our turn now See you there. I was like I'm main cabin. He's like, oh what?

Oh, am I an asshole? Am I an asshole? I got first class the whole thing. Yeah, I did. On the form, when it said first class, I wrote, if at all possible, question mark. That's so funny.

I didn't know that no one else would request first class. I didn't know that. It was a four-day trip to Pennsylvania, man. It was. And when you described it to me and you were like, it's a four-day trip to Pennsylvania, I was like, well, if they're paying, I guess I kind of was kicking myself that I didn't ask for that after I saw that you were doing that. That's four days of your time that they're asking for, you know? I feel horrible saying this, but

When I fly on a flight, if I don't fly in the comfort plus or the first class, I'm fried after I get off the plane. Fried. Yeah. I mean, flights are fucking tiring, man. Yeah. They are tiring. Dude, especially like that middle seat. Yeah. Especially when people don't know the etiquette.

We talked about the fucking etiquette. Have you ever talked about the audience? We haven't talked about it, but I will talk about the etiquette. Cause, cause when we got off the flight, like we had like a brief mention of it. Yes. Go for it. You are in the middle seat. You get both armrests. True. Everybody knows this. And sometimes it's crystal. There are ground wars where people on the window are,

We'll start posturing for your armrest. I just broke my Herman Miller when I did that. I yanked too violently. That marks a surprising ratio of podcast episodes to chairs broken on Chuckle Sandwich. Two or three episodes ago, Will, I broke my steel case by kicking it for a bit. I can't believe I've done this. Well, we're not going to pay for it.

I just want to get that out of the way. We're not paying for it. I need a first class ticket. Yeah, so you're right, Will. There is a rule. If you're in the middle seat, you get both because you are in the shittiest seat. And it's one of those things, though. You've got to correct me on this. I'm trying to remember, what is the best part of that armrest? Is it better to have your arms in the back of it or in the front? Front. Front.

In the front. You think so? Because then you kind of have to lean forward. I feel like it might be the back. There's no share in it. Oh, yeah, I know. I know that. I know that. But I'm thinking in terms of like when you were trying to establish control as the middle seater. Because it is a silent war. It is a war. There should be no war. It is. But when you are trying. There should be an understanding. Jesus Christ. When you are trying to get your.

Do your what would you what belongs to you? Yeah, you kind of have to do like the the yeah Okay, you do a little pivot in on the inner part and then start rotating like a clock hand So you eventually have the whole armrest. Yeah Well, what's wrong? What's wrong with that? You seem confused. I mean if it comes to war I think you just are you that insane? I

You're an insane man. If I really am, you're going to spend hours with that person. You're going to start off with. Yes. Really? Shock and awe. I'm not tangoing with your fucking elbow. I'm not. He already gets one. He already gets one. He already gets one. Think of it. Think of it like this. This is one in a view. This is a 50 50 transaction for for both people to the side.

They get one. The other person gets one. Yeah. The person in the window seat gets a view. And the person in the aisle seat, they're the person that can be that guy that gets to stand up first. Yes. Which, honestly, when a flight ends is huge. Honestly, it's turning me towards. I fuck with the aisle seat. I've been on a flight before when I was a younger man with two rotund people where my flight was like this.

and my spine was like chalk at the end of the flight. With nary an armrest, the full weight of your person is just bearing down on your spinal column, and it's just vaporizing your discs. - Wow. You're turning to powder. You're becoming-- - You are turning to dust. - You're becoming muscle marinade. - Yeah. - You're becoming just, the only thing that was balancing your spine was the pure marrow left. - Yeah.

But I mean, I suppose we should, we've been going for a little bit now, but I want to quickly chat about that trip because I feel like that was a funny thing, but I feel like we've been going for, you probably got to go though, don't you Will? My Discord just crashed and I thought it was something you guys did as a bit.

What? I've never experienced that. My Discord just fully crashed, and I 100% thought it was a bit you guys do. Are you still recording? Yes. Where we remove the guest from the podcast. I wish you could have seen it on my end, but Ted, it literally went, we've been recording for a while now, and I think we should...

And I was like, is this one of their new fucking bacon or gaming things? That would have been so rude. I would never do that to you. You know I love you. I do have a question for you, Will, though. What's the shape of Italy? Boot? No. It is a thing that you're doing? No, I don't agree with this. I'm not going to kick him. I'm not going to kick him. I'm not going to kick him. Don't worry. Don't worry. Don't worry. I've gotten that pulled on me many times in Xbox Live, though.

The second you say boot, you're just fucking kicked. That's the worst. That's the worst. Getting kicked from Xbox Live parties is like... That's pain right there. I want to talk about the Philly thing before we go there because we've been recording for about an hour now. But that was a fun trip. It was a great trip. Incredible people. It was a good fucking trip. And Will, you were incredibly funny on that trip.

I don't. Okay. So for those of you who don't know, obviously the Mario party thing, but will for context decided to do a Luigi Italian accent the whole time. Yes. Um, entirety of the four and a half hour, which you give an example of what that sounded like. Yeah. What? I'm a Luigi. I'm a gonna win. Yeah.

So he did that the whole time and he started off really positively. But then for each of the characters that we were playing, it was like this whole long improv thing. They started, we all started independently introducing lore into this world. Like for,

For me, I forget what my lore was. It was something stupid like where I'm cousins with the guy who was playing Toad, which is slime. He's on the yard. His name was... He went by Chode with the... There was Chodette and they were like divorced. Chode and Chodette.

And like, I had like this big issue with Mario where I kept like bullying him the whole time. I was homies with Boo, like, and I was helping him through his trauma. And Boo, the ghost, was traumatized by Will, who through his, through Luigi, through his Luigi's Mansions ordeal had killed his whole family. - That's right.

And in the beginning of the stream, I told everybody, I was like, I want one of my character things to be whenever I mention the ghost game.

because we can't mention it because of Nintendo, just all groan. Just all be so over my fucking ghost game, and I'm going to be so proud of it. So every time we had a break, I was like, everybody love my ghost game. They can't wait for the next ghost game. And everybody was like, shut the fuck up about the ghost. You're just jealous of my ghosts. And so King Boo and I had a lot of interesting conversations

that was jarvis johnson that that ended in like a scarface style monologue where i'm dying where i talked about how i how his family died like pigs and they begged for their lives and i put them in my vacuum oh yeah can you just do the can you just do it it was so funny

Your family died badly. They begged for their lives like pigs. And I pulled them into my vacuum cleaner and then I fucked the nozzle.

that's like some fucking robot chicken mario and luigi and vice city shit like and it was all improv the moment that will said that he fucked the nozzle of the vacuum cleaner he killed the king boost family what it was like we were people were knocking over the shops and they told us that we could get to keep things like normal for the first five rounds and then after round five it was like

- You can start making things weird. And it was like, I went over and I like beat the shit out of Eric Poincro, the Mario, and then he like laid dead for like-- - For a full turn. - For like full two turns. I had this thing where I was selling, it was like the mushroom where you can move five steps, but it was called Dash Shoes. And at some point I thought it would be funny to just start calling them nicotine shoes, and that the shoes had nicotine in them.

And then it got to a point where no one was referring to the shoes as dash shoes. Yeah. Everyone was just calling them the nicotine shoes. And it became like through the lore, it was revealed that sales of nicotine had been prohibited. And so the shop owner was trying to get everybody hooked on nicotine by marketing these shoes. And then he had flavors such as cotton candy and Gerber baby's food, mushy peas.

And I was like, I feel like you're advertising this to a very young audience. It's like, what are you talking about, Mari? Everybody likes these flavors. Adults eat baby food sometimes too. Oh, my God. Yeah, it was a really, really fun time. But what I will never, ever get over from that trip.

Was the cafeteria that they had there. It was so good to the point where when we were getting driven to the airport like two days ago, or yes, two days ago, I was on a monologue.

About how good the fucking food was we got there and my first food I have they had like a it was it was like a catering like they had like those metal tins that you pull up and it's like oh you can serve yourself as buffet style. Oh my god. They had a fucking Philly cheesesteak when I first got there and I was like this is a really good one's good too. It was like this is a really good start and then they had

I knew Ted was committed. Let me put it this way. I knew Ted was committed when we ran into each other and he said, did you have those empanadas? And I said, yeah, they were really good. And he said, how many empanadas did you have? And I said, I had three. He said, I had 12. I had 12 empanadas. I had 12. Okay, well, you got to understand, they were not like, oh, this size empanadas. They were not that big. They were like this big.

Okay. They were like, I could have them in two bites. They could be eaten in two bites. Two bite empanadas. Two bite empanadas. So 24 bites of empanadas. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it was probably like 2,000 calories worth of empanadas. But I'm telling you right now, they had a lime aioli that went with it too. Fuck.

That lime aioli was so good. And, oh, man. And for breakfast, they had bacon, and they had these fucking Belgian sugar waffles, like the kind where you can, like, when you're biting into it, you can taste the grain of sugar. Yeah. It was shockingly delicious. We went out to a restaurant the last night, and everyone was silently disappointed that we weren't going back to this cafeteria. Oh, my God. It was fucked up. They had, it was, it,

I've talked so much about it. Like, I feel like I'm a broken record, even though this is the first time I'm talking about it on the podcast. But it really was the most delicious catering I've ever had. And I miss it right now. And I'll never get anything like that again, Will. That was my Rushmore. Was there bacon there? Will, would you rather have unlimited bacon, but no more video games? Yep.

Or would you rather have games? And you might have heard this question before. Unlimited games, but no games. Yeah. I'm going to go with the bacon, and I know that's a controversial choice, especially because I'm on Twitch. And going without games, I mean, what am I doing? You're just chatting is what you're doing. I'm weighing and measuring the situation, and I'm going with what I can go with.

That is the most confident answer we've ever gotten. It is because, well, he's also heard it before. He's heard it before. And also, I think it's also because you were being absolutely crystal clear, Schlatt. Crystal clear, cut and dry. You were being cut and dry. It was just perfect. It was. It was a great execution. Will, great answer. Thank you. And, you know...

Here's what I'll say. We want to thank you for being here on the Chuckle Sandwich Podcast today, Will. Thank you. You are a beautiful man. You have such great stories. You speak with such grace. If I was with you right now, I'd give you a kiss on the cheek. I would accept it. Ted, if you gave me a kiss on the cheek, I'd go. You'd probably shoot me. Boo-yah. No, you're getting further away. Boo-yah. Boo-yah. Boo-yah. Boo-yah.

I'm probably, and the thing is too, this is my remembering of how it was said from like seven years ago. So it's probably not even true. We could have been saying some vile, awful shit.

I love how we're creators and we all are of the internet so we know someone is googling our pronunciation to make sure that we didn't fuck it up. Yeah, exactly. Whenever, dude, whenever, whenever anything from a different language comes out, it's like, like there's this one, like, you know, if I were to say something like, it's not even, I'm botching the pronunciation, but it's supposed to be Greek. Oh.

So Julius Caesar was saying that shit? But I'm saying it weird. I'm saying it weird because I've said it so many times. Whatever. Well, thank you so much, Will, for coming on to the podcast. We appreciate you being here. Please go check out Will's Twitch stream. He does lots of various...

types of content he's really into rogue likes i am a big rogue luck guy that's not mainly what he plays but he does he does he does great commentary on a multitude of things if you heard his voice and you like hearing his voice you go check him out check him out on twitter and all that and make sure to subscribe to podcast and follow us um if you're listening on audio and all that and shot you got anything else to say nope great all right bye bye bye