Schlatt's Monkey Lamp
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Bread, mayo, cheese, turkey, bread. Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich. I'm Slimesicle. Hey, it's me, Shlet. And I'm Ted Nivison. Welcome, folks. We've done it. We've made it. Yeah, we did it. We did it. Can you believe it? It's finally a wrap. We're finally done. We're finally done? Yeah, this is it, right? Yeah.

Bro, we're finishing up, wrapping up the Chuckle Sandwich podcast? Yeah, no, this is the first and final episode, ladies and germs, of the Chuckle Sandwich podcast. It was a really good run. It was all a ruse from the very beginning. It was a way to get fun fan art. You thought it was a sandwich, but really, it was a wrap. Oh! That's the end, that's the end. This was just a ruse to get fun fan art. Yeah, exactly, Schlepp.

But yeah, welcome to the Chocolate Sandwich Podcast. This is the first episode ever. Going to be a little rough to start out, I feel like, but hey, who knows what's going to happen? It's a glorious ride. We have no experience. Really leading us in there strong. Yeah, I think that I'm going to set us up for failure. That way it'll go, it can only go up from here, right? Set the bar really low. Yeah. Yeah.

And then we can try and limbo under it. Yes, exactly. How are you guys doing today? I'm ready to chuckle. I'm absolutely ready to chuckle. You're ready to sandwich it up? I'm ready to get a little Sammy going on. I had a little sandwich earlier. I had some schmeat on it, Ted. I had some cheese as well, some Munster. Oh.

I ate a block of Munster the other day. A whole block of Munster cheese? Yeah. Yeah, it was actually last night. I was just scrolling through my TikTok and I had a block of Munster. Just eating Munster cheese? Well, I was laying down and I had it on my chest and I just...

Like a little rat? You are a little monster. Mm-hmm. I am. That's pretty funny. What were you looking at on TikTok there? It wouldn't happen to be... Gibbons. Oh! Gibbons? Videos of Gibbons. Like the monkeys? Woof, woof, woof, woof.

The Munkins. The Munkins. They're really funny. You've been sharing a lot of Gibbons, I'm pretty sure, across pretty much all of Discord, I've noticed recently. I'm a big fan of Gibbons. I came across them on TikTok the other day while I was eating my block of Munster cheese, but this was the last time I did it. Not yesterday. Right. Last, last time I was eating the Munster cheese.

And they were just really funny. I started to realize that, wow, these creatures have a lot in common with us. And I found some gibbons that I sent around that I really felt like I kind of had some connection to, some otherworldly extraterrestrial. What's the most relatable thing that you've seen a gibbon do? I saw a gibbon lying sideways on a wooden floor, and he was eating an apple, biting into it every time.

He bit some, he chewed it, and then he spat it out. Right onto the wooden floor. You're there watching this with a block of monster cheese. While I was watching, while I was listening, while I was eating the monster, I was watching this guy...

Every time. He was just chewing it and he wasn't swallowing? He just kept doing it, laying sideways on the wooden floor. And he was a baby gibbon. And funny thing about certain baby gibbons, they have white hair on their cheeks. So he looked exactly like me. He had the mutton chops. He had General Ambrose Burnside on that fucking plank.

That's fucking hilarious. Hey, artists, can we get some, can we get some schlibbin going? Yeah. Schlibbin. Schlibbin. Oh, that's going to get out of control really fast. No, I sent, well, I sent Schlatt the, he was like, man, these apes are really mean. I go on, I installed TikTok to look at gibbon apes because they were so fucking funny to me. And I see the one, they have like the black fur and then they have the white, the white button chops. White cheeks.

And I was like, you've straight up been reincarnated. So if your For You page is just entirely filled with Gibbons, it's just you just swipe and it's just all Gibbons? I rarely see a human. Well, sometimes you'll see other animals, mostly monkeys, but mostly, yeah, I'd just be swiping and then I'd just see more Gibbons. Hey, that's the gift of Gibbon. Yeah.

Wow, we're already hitting all the marks here. We're already hitting all the marks. I got a little checkbox here. I got a little checkbox. I'm ticking them off. We're five minutes in and Charlie has already made a pun. The funny thing about these Gibbon videos, Ted, is that they're usually made by people who run the zoo or wherever they are, right? Right. Some Gibbon freaks. No, no, no. They don't freak by themselves. Gibbons are like a hype squad.

They really are. So when they hear someone else getting hype, the Gibbon just joins right in. Really? So, yes. So you'll see in all these videos of Gibbon screaming, woo!

And then they got the bubble on their throat that goes, ooh, and it blows up and they go, ah, and then it goes back in. You'll notice that in all of these videos, Ted, the person behind the camera starts them. They rile up the gibbon. They go, you'll just hear the person in the back going, ooh, and then the gibbon, he's like, oh, we're doing this. Then he goes, oh, we're getting into it. We're getting into it. Yes. And then you'll see the gibbons like jumping around, beating their chest, going, ah.

Wow. It's so funny the disparity between the two noises, too, because they're rolling with like a high-pitched one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. High-pitched shit for like 30 seconds. And at the very end, they have to like reload. Yeah.

It sounds like they're coughing up a hairball the way that you're describing it vocally. It's guttural. The first time I saw it, I fucking lost it. Because, like, just the sheer difference between, like, it keeps getting faster, too. They've got, like, this high-pitched sort of thing getting faster and faster. Right. Oh, my God. Absolute pulse rifle of an ape, that's what they sound like. A pulse rifle. They sound like a pulse rifle, bro. I think that we should get a bunch of Gibbons, and we should bring them... You know how, like, a lot of the...

A lot of the sports games are sort of out of service right now, and they don't have anyone in the stands.

They should bring in gibbons, just like a whole bunch of gibbons in their own little cages. Then all the gibbons just lose it. They all just lose it. It would be better than a normal crowd. Everyone in like a three mile radius would go to the nearest bomb shelter. They'd hear the fucking air raid sirens and the bombs dropping. Yeah.

The seventh inning stretch would go crazy, bro. The great given apocalypse scare of Cleveland of 2021. Holy shit. You know what I did, Ted? What did you do? You're not going to believe this creator of chuckle sandwich. Hello. I have a box behind me. You do? That I'm sure everybody's been looking at. I'm sure they have. I can't see it, but. Maybe, maybe they have. You know what it says on it? What does it say? Chabay. Chabay. What is this? What is this Chabay? What is this all about?

A couple days ago, whilst scrolling, I saw a TikTok of a monkey lamp. Oh, I saw this on the server. I've heard... A monkey lamp. I know where this is going. It was a video of a guy unboxing a monkey lamp, and then the monkey was just sitting there, and Travis Scott was playing in the background. I think it was Travis Scott location. You know, the real airy, cool sound and song? Right. Yeah.

Open the box. So I bought the gibbon lamp. I remember you showing me this monkey lamp, but it is of a gibbon. Oh, no, it's not a gibbon. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. If it was a gibbon lamp, I would have bought it. You would have that as well. I would have overnighted that one. But I've got the lamp here, and I'm going to open it on Chuckle Sandwich. This is a big moment. Oh, this is exciting. For everybody. Oh, excellent. Whoop, whoop. Trying to hype you up. Whoop, whoop. Whoop, whoop, whoop. Bam.

Here it is. It's encased in plastic. Oh, wow! Oh my god, it's covered in- It's covered in styrofoam. I'm covered in packing peanuts now. And the monkey, it's the sitting one. The sitting one came today. Show it! Show it! Bring it closer to the camera. I will! I will! You gotta give me a second! I'm gonna give you a second! I just spilled packing peanuts all over the place! That's a tongue twister.

So for our audio listeners here, because we're going to have this podcast on Spotify and iTunes and all of the like. Here, we'll give you audio aids to visualize an ape. Let's visualize the monkey here. Now we're going to turn on the light. The monkey is currently sitting down. It's going like practically crisscross. Actually, no, it's.

It's doing a little squat situation, looking out into the sunset. And it's got a little hand that's holding a spot for... For a lightbulb.

the light bulb of your dreams. I might as go as far to say, are you going to put a lampshade on that? Or is it literally going to be a monkey? Monkey discovers, monkey discovers electricity statue. That's all it is. It's the monkey that discovers the electricity. And you know what? I forgive me. I don't feel, I don't feel like there's a problem with that. Charles Caesar, me monkey. So 2021 is a, it's, it's not, it's not the year of the bowl. It's,

More so the year of the monkey when it comes to that. The year of the bulb. You guys should keep talking whilst I set up the monkey. I'm completely enthralled. I have nothing to say. I was completely enthralled with this monkey too, but I mean... I forgot I was recording a podcast. What do you plan to do with this?

He's getting excited, Ted. You need to calm him down. What do you expect me to say? He's getting too excited. He's getting hyped. He's getting hyped from the monkey. You gotta stop. He's hymaning him. Pull it together. So where do you plan on putting this monkey? He's gonna sit right by me. Right next to you? Yep. Is he gonna be on camera in your videos? He'll be on the desk. Oh, yes, he will. So guys, I forgot to tell you half of the story about this monkey lamp. Okay. I bought it on Amazon. It was $145.00.

Worthy purchase. Well, I scrolled down and I also noticed that on the Amazon page, there was a listing for items other people bought or like frequently bought together. Kind of worried about the whole charcuterie experience of monkey lamps. One might say there were two other monkeys and you goddamn bottom. They're on the way.

I spent $500 on monkey lamps this week. You're going to have a jungle in your room. You're going to have an electric jungle. That's what they like to call the influencer lifestyle. It's not about fast cars and Lamborghinis. It's about being able to buy $500 worth of monkey lamps. As many as you need. Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!

Sorry, I couldn't help it. He was hyping me. Assuming that this podcast goes on a year from now, I am just so amazed to think about what people will be referring to the first podcast ever. Oh, yeah, you can skip the first one. It's just the monkey lamp one. You can skip that one. Skip the first one. The second one after. Oh, it gets great from there.

You know what the monkey lamp didn't come with? What is it? Oh, it didn't come with. The lamp. Light bulb. Yeah. That's how it goes. That's how it goes. Well, I'd say that the actual structure of it is the lamp. True. It doesn't come with the bulb. Yeah. It would be a real shame if the monkey lamp didn't come with the lamp.

Just a light bulb. Yeah. It'd just be the screw. It'd just be the mount for the bulb itself. Just be like a plug. And then it'd be like, solder this to something. Now you've got a monkey lamp. Just find the monkey somewhere. Lucky for us, you know what they call me? The monkey man. So many things, man. So many things. They call you... They call me Bulby.

Because I bought bulbs. And Schlatt's currently got some like olden style, kind of like 1800s. Decorative bulbs. Decorative. Turn of the century. Yeah. Edison made these. Something you'd see outside a Los Angeles coffee shop, perhaps. Remember when Edison electrocuted an elephant to death?

Excuse me? I couldn't say I was there. I was, yeah. Oh, he did it. But he did that? Yeah. He took a whole ass elephant. He was like, I'm going to kill this with my power. Pretty scary. Pretty scary guy, Edison. He killed it with Nikola Tesla's power to prove that his power was better. So it was like a team up. It was like a team up episode. No, Tesla wanted nothing to do with it because he knew that elephant would die and there would be bad press. Monkey lamp time. Three, two, one. Woof, woof, woof. Woof, woof, woof.

Come on, let's see it. Where'd it go? Where'd it go? Where'd it go? Where'd the sun go? Nighttime. Nighttime. Good night. Shlatt, can you potentially bring that monkey lamp up and give us another show? Is this just going to be the thumbnail? Oh, it absolutely is. It looks like his head is exploding. Monkey lamp. Three, two, one. What? What?

Oh, Jesus. It's just like a fucking amorphous blob where his head is. Oh, my God. Yeah, no, the webcam quality is not up to par there. Holy shit, man. I say we move on from the monkey lamp carpet stuff. Let's not make the whole podcast about the monkey lamp. We want to maybe bust into a little bit of another topic. Oh, let's bust into a topic. What are you thinking, Charlie? Let's bust into song and dance.

Okay, alright, give a, uh, give a beat, give a little beat for us. He's bringing it back to the monkey lamp. No, no, no, no, no. He's bringing it back, right back to the monkey lamp. Um, what are you thinking, Charlie? Uh, oh, actually, this leads us in pretty well. Yeah? Um, I'm curious to hear what you guys think about this. Worst animals...

worst animals. Just worst animals. What makes an animal awful? What are the worst animals? Can we create the worst animal? All sorts of things we could tackle here. Well, for starters, you know, I just gotta say, Gibbons, not a big fan of those. Love them! What? Are you kidding me? You know, they do this thing where they blow up their throats and they go, Stop! Come on, that's the best part about them! And when they deflate, it goes like...

That's the funniest part about Gibbons! You're basically, you're dude, you're just shitting on Schlatt at this point. You're just shitting on a fellow podcast member, man. He's mad, he's mad. Now you gotta hype him up, Ted. You gotta hype him up. Hype him up, hype him up, hype him up. Bring him in, Schlatt. Hype him up, not like that. You know how to hype him up. You know how to hype him up, Ted. Schlatt, I love Gibbons. I love him. No, that's not how. You gotta make the sounds, Ted. You gotta hype him up. Come on. I need to get an extension cord for this thing. Yeah, you do. I'll be right back.

Okay. And then there was two on the Chuckle Sandwich podcast. On the first episode of the Chuckle Sandwich podcast. On the new podcast, Chuckle Two Slices of Bread. There's no sandwich anymore. Holy fucking shit. This is a disaster so far. No, dude. This is fun. This is funny. So I actually don't really know what the worst animal is. I mean, like...

I mean, I suppose a mosquito, right? Wouldn't a mosquito kind of like... Is a mosquito even an animal? Yeah, I'd say an animal is like... I mean, a mosquito isn't a mammal, but it is an animal. Insects, like mammals, those all count. Yeah, I guess it's an animal. You know, the only reason why mosquitoes exist is because they're there for the bats to eat.

Like, that's the only reason why they're still around. So it's the bats' fault. Well, it's thanks to the bats. No, it's the bats' fault. It's the bats' fault. Well, it's thanks to the bats that there isn't as much malaria in the world as there is today. But I really don't know where they came from, mosquitoes, and why they're still... Hey, guys, I'm back. Shalai, what's your least favorite animal?

Ah, man, you're gonna put me on the spot like this? I'm absolutely gonna put you on the spot. Maybe start with most favorite and then flip it. I feel like we already know what his most favorite animal is. Easy for me to say what my most favorite animal is. What is the opposite of a gibbon ape? What is the opposite of that? It would have to be, so no tail, no fur. No tail, no fur. Hard, crusty. Crusty. No mud chops. It would be like a reptile.

Okay, we're on crusty, crusty reptile. Not fun, not lanky.

Yeah, like maybe like a shitty Komodo dragon, but not a Komodo dragon. Komodo dragons are so fucking metal, man. Those things are scary. They're super awesome. So it's like, but it sounded like we were working towards Komodo dragon for some reason. So I was like, I just wanted to break into my shit, talk to them. They could break into my house and kill me. Yeah. They'd break your neck with their, with their, like they literally easily, they would grow opposable thumbs and break your neck and say, say,

Stop talking shit about the Komodo folks. Exactly. I'm looking up gross reptiles. I actually had a reptile. I had a pet bearded dragon for most of my life, so I can't really say. I remember you talking about that at one point. Oh, that's such a best. That is such like a like a minute piece of schlatt lore that I like totally forgot about. What was its name? I had a I had a great bearded dragon. I don't I'm not I'm not telling anybody his name. Jesus Christ.

Yeah, come on, man. Is it dead now? Oh, it's dead. Yeah, yeah. So you're worried about doxing your dead bearded dragon? I respect people's privacy, okay? Okay. I had a bearded dragon from the fourth grade to a couple days after I graduated. Oh, wow. He was with me the whole way. He stuck it out until I got the diploma. All the way. That's cool, man. That's a long-time putt, too. I feel bad because the day I woke up and he had died...

um he had actually shit himself in in the process of dying he shit himself yes shit amorous so that's not uncommon that's not uncommon i opened the uh it's pretty common actually i opened the tank and i was like oh you fucking idiot you just shit yourself while you were asleep and then i was like he's dead it's a dead person oh no where was it was it something that you were like

You knew it was coming? Like, how old do bearded dragons usually live? No, I mean, you seem fine. I mean, bearded dragons, the thing is, no one knows how to take care of reptiles. So, like, you'll see people put them in cages with sand and not give them any, put any, like, calcium or vitamins on their salads or anything. And so they don't usually last very long in captivity. But my dude lasted, like, fucking, well, let's think about it. Fourth grade to 12th?

That's pretty good. Eight years? A little more, I'd say. I think he was nine. Because we didn't buy him as a baby. We got him when he was a little bit older. That seems good to me. I don't know bearded dragon lifespan. 10 to 15 years, Schlatt. Wow, so I underperformed. Wow, okay. So I actually was bad.

Just a little bit. You may have screwed him over a little bit. I screwed him over. I fucked him. Wow. You know what? You robbed him of two to seven years. Don't say that, bro. That's legitimately fucked up. I'm okay. It's been a while since he's been alive, so I can poke fun at it. Okay, I wasn't sure, man, because I know with stuff like that, people are very sensitive about pets. Now, if you said that to me maybe a couple days after he had died, I might be upset.

Yeah, no. That fucker's been dead for a long time. I do sometimes have dreams where I'll be like, oh shit, I didn't feed him. Oh, that's weird. And then I'll wake up and I'll be like, oh, I didn't feed him. And then I'm like, oh no, he's been dead. I guess it's just you have a habit for so long. Yeah. I've been thinking about getting some sort of

while now that I'm out here living in LA, I feel like now that I live on my own, I'm like, oh man, I should get a pet. But then I keep kind of realizing it's like, oh shit, I can barely take care of myself. Dude, it's so much responsibility. I'm ordering food like every other day. Like, how can I even prepare? If I can't prepare a meal for myself, how am I going to prepare a meal for a

I don't know, a full dog or something. A whole fish. Yeah. You could do a fish, Tad. I mean, come on. Hey, listen, I will say, fish are actually a lot more work than people think they are. I've got a betta fish. Albert, a lot of people throw a fish in a bowl or something and call it a day. But even with betta fish, betta fish actually have pretty long...

Lifespans. Yeah, a lot of things do. Yeah, I mean, Betafish go three to five years, but like you hear people saying, "Oh yeah, my Betafish lasted like four months."

You get a moss ball, you water treat it, and it needs to have a five-gallon tank. Make sure you don't overfeed it. It can get fin rot really easily. It basically slimes itself up. It has to goop up its tank. Fish are really weird. They have a mucus membrane. This is the kind of shit that makes me...

I feel like I will get a dog in 10 years, as I feel like I need to research every aspect of a pet so that I can best care for it. You want to hear something... Yeah. You want to hear something...

Even more fucked up, though. Than a mucus membrane? Sure. Well, goldfish are probably the least understood fish in the fish zone because you can get them at... You just put them at a bowl. Yeah, you get them at the carnival. Oh my god, they last 10 to 15 years? Yeah, exactly. Holy shit. They can last 10 to 15 years. The longest-lived goldfish on record lived to age 43, and they can get pretty fucking huge. They only get small because you keep them in such a small...

but they can get like as big as your fist.

That's terrifying. I'd kill it before it got that big. You would kill it to show dominance over the goldfish? You're not getting as big as me. Once a goldfish passes the two-finger threshold, you're now scared of it. You may be confined to this bowl, but I must show you that not venture beyond. He becomes the owner. My goldfish stopped looking at me out of the side, and now it's looking at me straight on. I'm really scared. No.

Yeah, my goldfish learned how to build binoculars the other day, and he's looking at me from across the room these days. I think he's trying to study me. He's making a gun out of the reeds in his tent. Is that normal? He's making a gun to shoot me. It's like you slowly start seeing a crack building in the side of the bowl. His eyes shifted to the front. He's gone from prey to predator. Is that normal? Yeah.

He's looking at me dead on no it's fucked up with fish cuz like fish don't really emote in any like a meaningful way like they're fish so you can't even really tell when they're having like a really hard time or struggling yeah you know with goldfish yeah if you're a kid and you have a goldfish in a bowl like you might not you don't even know anything's wrong with that but that goldfish is just like suffocating I got a goldfish from the town fair and I named it Francois and it died by jumping out of the ball and dying

That's fucking sad, man. Fuck, yeah, no, that shit is... I mean, I had it for like maybe two months. That's traumatizing, man. I was old enough at the time. I was in like high school, but I was like, man, that sucks. Did you just walk in on it outside of the bowl? Oh, yeah. It's just like you walk... Which is a little startling at first. It's like... Yeah.

Sort of the first thought that goes through your mind is like, how did this happen? Fuck, I went back to France. Seriously. Good old Francois. But we still haven't figured out what the worst animal is. Oh, that's true. That's true. Well, I'm inclined to say that it's, I feel like it would have to be aquatic, right? Have you ever heard of the goblin shark? No.

It sounds pretty awful. The goblin shark is probably the worst looking shark. The goblin shark is to me what gibbon apes are to Schlatt. I am... Oh, never mind. I looked it up. No, the goblin shark is the worst... If we were talking about the attractiveness of sharks, the goblin shark is way at the bottom. It is the... Wow, this thing is fucking monstrous, dude. Oh, no. It's a fucking nightmare. It is literally... Holy shit. It is...

Like some of the stuff that lives in the ocean is, is just absolutely nightmarish. But something about the goblin sharks. Didn't evolve for looks. If you're wondering what the goblin shark looks like, folks who are listening in the audio zone, it looks like a fucking shark, but then attach the face of a fucking like evil dolphin to the bottom of it under the nose. It's weird. Right.

It looks like a goblin. The goblin shark, fun fact about it, it actually, to eat its prey, it dislocates its jaw and thrusts it forward many inches to latch around it. It's like, yeah, no, it's literally like a far, it's like. Oh my God. Oh.

Oh, I just saw it do it. I just saw it do it. It pogs and unpogs. It's like the worst enemy in an underwater level in a video game. That is just too, it's one of those levels that's just way too hard. This is the thing you can't fight. It just chases you through the whole level and you have to like, you have to escape before it kills you. Like that, this is what that is. This is the reason why people are afraid to swim out into the water in GTA 5, even though there's nothing out there.

This is, uh, you know, you know what? I think they named the goblin shark first. And then when someone came up with goblins, they were like, man, this is an ugly motherfucker. We should name it a goblin. You know, I would honestly believe that. Because we got, we got, we, we named the shark that, and it is, it is that bad. I think it's pretty safe to say that most of the worst animals live under the ocean. Like that, uh,

Like stingrays! What's your deal with stingrays? What do you mean? Wait, do you guys not know about this? No, you know about this. Oh, you got stung by one. I got stung by a fucking sting... Okay, rather. Rather, rather, rather. I feel like you may have told me at one point, but I don't remember entirely. Okay, I was in... Dude, I was in California, right? Oh, I remember this story. Yeah, I remember this story. Yeah, and so I was like, you know what? I'm out in Cali. I'm gonna do some fun shit, right? You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go surfing. So I get together...

it was, it was Noah. Uh, it was Cooper and it was macro. We're all there. Um, we got the surfboards. I should, we got the, uh, you get like the stuff to prevent you from like chafing and, and removing your nipples. You get like the shirt, like the wet shirt, the no nipple remover, the no nipple remover. And I made plenty of, I made plenty of jokes with the, with a guy at the fucking counter about how I was going to be inside. I was going to be in so much trouble. I'm going to get out there and lose my nipples. But little did I know, uh,

I would experience something far worse. And so we got out there and this is Seal Beach, California, by the way.

And we got out there and we were like, wow, what a great day. It's prime weather weekend. No one's here. Why could that be? Spoiler. Stingray population. So we walk all the way down towards these like rocks towards the surf or whatever. Get on the surfboard, surfboard, start trying out some stuff. Right. Some sick, some kickflips.

I'm on my knees, bro, on the surfboard. And I'm like, you know what? I'm going to stand up, man. I'm feeling this. This is my day. And I stand up on the surfboard and I get, and I, I don't know if this is like a really weird thing, but I think it's really fun to just get like painlessly knocked around by shit. So surfing was really fun to me.

I stood up on this thing this with this wave like hits me and I basically come back to that later I fall off feet first and Literally go straight down onto something incredibly sharp so usually what happens with stingrays is You step on them, and then their tail whips around and stings you what happened in my case is

was i literally was so fucking unlucky that i that i fell directly onto a stingray bar pointed upwards like with all of my weight on my foot and so that hurt right oh no and i was like oh jesus i it must have been like sea glass or something which is stupid thought but you know when the toxins are running through your blood you're not thinking about it so i swam i swam back to the um

the surface or whatever, or you know, back to the shore, I was like, "Oh shit!" And they saw that I was bleeding, right? So I wrapped a towel around it and I was like, "This hurts fucking way more than a cut should!" And this lifeguard ran up to me and he's like, "Hey bro, what's up? You got a little thing going on there." And I was like, "Yeah, I think I cut myself on some glass or something. It really hurts though." And he looks at it and he's like, "Oh yeah, stingray! That's the fifth today!" And I was like, "What?"

The fifth today? Yeah, dude. Yeah, dude. You can just tell immediately, too. Why do I call it Seal Beach? Call it Stingray Beach. Because this is where all the stingrays are. This is why there was no people. It is chock full of fucking stingrays. So they're like, yeah, no worries. I'll get you hot water for the venom. Hot water, apparently, a lot of hot water basically negates a lot of underwater sea creature toxins.

That's so simple. That's literally so simple. It is. It is. It's very simple. If you catch it early enough. They did not. So I've just kind of gotten my foot in this bag of hot water and like my, I feel it in my hip at this point. And I'm like, you know, I don't think this is doing much, but I take it out and it's super painful. So they drove me basically away. I started getting nauseous at this point. I called my mom. Exactly.

I literally was like, I was on, I was like fucking sloped over my car. We're going to, Hey son, Charlie, this is way worse than I, mom. I don't know what I'm going to gain from this, but Holy shit. Craziest thing just happened. Uh,

And she was like, she was like, go to the hospital. I'm like, no, I got the hot water. Hang on. I'm going to throw up. And then, um, I have to get in my car and drive back. Cause, cause macro is not picking up. No one's picking up. This was, this was also in the summer, right? Near the summer. So it was still, it was still hot out. So like, I can imagine just how much it would suck to also be in the heat by the beach and also have your foot in hot water. And also be that way. I didn't even, I wasn't even feeling temperature, bro.

But the worst part is, my B&B was 30 minutes away, and this water was not hot anymore. So I take this fucking bag of water, shove it in my car, keep my foot in it. One foot in the water, one foot on the pedal. Turn on the GPS. Was it your left foot?

Left foot. Yep. Oh, well thank God for that. Thank fucking God, dude. Honestly, litter. I like turned on my friends like anime playlist and literally screamed for like 30 minutes all the way back to my house. I got there. I started like boiling water. I, I, I went in the, uh, I went in the shower. Um,

Charlie, one second. Hey guys, can we get a piece of art of Charlie screaming to anime music while his foot is in a bucket of water? I was in LA fucking traffic. Just like, oh god, fucking move, dude! Yeah, and so I get back, get in the shower. Shower runs out of hot water like three minutes in. Oh.

Oh, no. What? I call my mom again. It's a fucking disaster. And here's the worst goddamn part. As it's like finally starting to wear off. It lasted like an hour and a half for me. Also, I've never said this before publicly or to anyone. But I didn't remember. This is so fucking embarrassing. This is unironically embarrassing. You can't get out of it now. I mean, you've done yourself in. Okay, I remember...

I remember the one Gus Johnson video. Yeah. Where everyone's on the beach is getting stung by the jellyfish. And he's getting pissed on. And in my delirium, I do not remember what sea creature this is.

I, you know what, though? I looked it up later and apparently it does help. So I think that actually, I don't think it's nearly as embarrassing as you're making it sound. I mean, it's the, uh, what is it? The ammonia in the piss. Apparently you're not even supposed to do it on a jellyfish sting. That's funny. So, um, no, but anyway, so I pissed on my foot. Yeah. And eventually it stopped hurting. Listen, man, when, when it hurts that bad, you do stupid things and

Anyway, this is around the time that I get a call back from Noah. And I assumed, oh, he's calling to check in on me. He says, so hey, I also got stung by a stingray. Oh, wow. And he's like super chill about it. He's super chill about it. And he's like,

Yeah, the fucker barely got away. Like, I tried to grab it. I felt something slimy. I tried to do you justice, but couldn't do it. Because this motherfucker doesn't have any, like, feeling. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. So he went after the stingray that got you? He went after the stingray. No, he's absolutely nuts. So now I just feel stupid because I've put on my whole, like, drama show in front of these guys. And Noah just gets casually stung by a stingray and tries to grab it afterwards.

So now I'm just the idiot in the shower pissing on my foot! You know what I mean? Okay, but let's be real here though. Noah could get like shot and he would probably walk it off. He probably would, Tim, but I didn't feel good about it. I didn't feel good about it because all of a sudden it was like, you know, it was like, "Oh man, that's really rough that Charlie had to deal with that." And all of a sudden it's like, "That Charlie guy's kind of a fucking bitch."

You know what, Charlie? I don't think you're a bitch now. They got me sandwiches and it actually got infected later and that was fun. I don't know if I've ever gotten like, I may have gotten stung by a jellyfish at one point, but I don't really remember. I don't know if I've necessarily seen. That story went on for a much longer time. No, no, that was perfect. That was a great. It's a great chuckle. That was a, oh, I had a chuckle indeed. Hey.

And you know what? The story ended with a sandwich. So it all came full circle. What do you mean it ended with a sandwich? Well, at the end, they, they, uh, Cooper and, and, and, uh, Travis and Noah and Mack are all came over and we had sandwiches. Oh, that's perfect. The roast beef, like dip sandwiches. Uh, Oh, the, the, like from the Philips. I, uh,

I don't know if it was Philippe's, but they were good. The one that, the one that, uh, Josh really likes, you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are the ones. The one he, he, he fucking loves. It has like the roast beef, like dip kind of situation. Yeah. Yeah. The friend is called a French dip, right? It's just literally just like, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah. That's what it's called. Roast beef, a hero bun. And then just fucking gravy, I guess, or, or something. What is it? It's like, it's like the juices from the meat. It's like the meat juices that you dip it back into. It's like a, it's like a,

It's like some sort of... Is it really? I thought it was some sort of vinaigrette or something. No, it can be. If it's the chicken version, you have it with a different sauce, but I think with the... Oh, you know the whole situation going on. Well, I mean, you can't really have it

With like it was my first time having it and I couldn't really have it without like them not explaining to me in detail what it is. OK, interesting. Yeah, it's beef broth. It's beef broth. That kind of that kind of takes away from the the the appeal of it for me a little bit. I thought it was just a sauce. But in reality, I'm just dipping it in the in the.

and the juices of the fallen. Yeah, yeah, I'll tell you what. I got beef with that stingray, though, Ted. So... I still feel where my foot used to be. So essentially, to answer your question, your least favorite animal is a stingray. Yeah, I'm not really sure you came to that conclusion, but now that I'm thinking about it, probably.

That's what also, uh, was it a stingray that killed, uh, Steve Irwin? Yeah. Was it the same kind of stingray? Uh, so the thing with stingray stuff, uh, that I was literally Googling while I was in the shower is, um, uh, like a lot of stingray wounds happen to legs and feet in, in which case it's usually fine. But if you get stung by a stingray in your like chest or arm or somewhere towards the upper half of your body, you are in a lot of trouble.

Um, like you, that's why, like usually when you get stung by a stingray, you step on one and it swings up. But in Steve Irwin's case, he got stung in the, in the chest or in the heart or something. And in that case, like the way that works is,

Yeah, it's not really the... Well, I don't know what it was for. I remember what the issue was is that they pulled it out of him. Oh, God. I didn't get the... Okay, I didn't get the barb. I got little pieces of the barb stuck in me, but I did not get the entire barb. He got something stuck in him, and then they chose to pull it out, whereas I heard that if they had kept it in, he might have lived. Oh, I haven't heard that, man. That's terrible. Yeah, no, that really sucks. Yeah.

Real great thing to talk about, Ted. Thanks for bringing that up to us all. Well, I'll tell you what. If you ever have the opportunity to surf at a beach and it's a great day and there seems to be no one there, I highly recommend that you ask Ted.

Ask why. Why there's no one there. Just ask why. Please, please do it. In your defense, definitely in your defense, you're not from the California zone. Never surfed before. Was told it was a great location by the locals. Well, yeah.

We're not used to all these things like wildlife that is necessarily dangerous. Like on the East Coast, it's like... Spiders. Oh, there might be sharks out there, but there never is. There's like, oh, they spot like a shark like once a blue moon, but then that's it. That's the only situation. There's like crabs. No, for me, around where I've always been, it's always just been like...

Bears and... Yeah, we gotta worry about the stingrays of the land, also known as grizzly bears. I got chased by a raccoon once at college. How?

Why didn't you fight back? Those things are bitches. Well, it didn't like, it didn't catch me, but I, I didn't realize why it was like one of those things where I'm look, I look behind me and I see the bush rustling and it literally ran at me on its hind legs. Like with, with its like hands going on in your life. It's hands were like clasped in front of it. It's running at me. And I ran inside. This was like at the parking lot near this, uh,

This place where, what would it just be? It was like a separate lakeside building, basically. You are the bad luck Brian of animals.

Dude, I fucking really am, man. Anyway, I realized I had a granola bar in my back pocket and that was why I was chasing me, but at first I just really thought it was out to fucking end me, dude. Unwrapped? Just hanging out? You're leaving a trail of crumbs behind you or something? It was opened. I don't know why. I can't remember why. What the hell is wrong with you? It's like you're asking for the shit. You're creating this image of me that has all of my... You deserve to get

Now everyone's gonna picture me as this fucking doofus who's got all the cargo shorts on every pockets got like a different uneaten food in it It's like it's like Charlie's like walking backwards at college, and he's just like sprinkling stuff. Hope I get some forest friends Instead just like this raccoon runs out hide likes like rubbing his hands together Got some crumbs let's find this source, baby

dude every time every time i'm on tiktok i see at least one or two videos of raccoons i do too everybody in the comments is like oh my god he's so cute they're not dude they're not they want they want they want they want they want food they're scavengers they want food they sift through your trash at night they're like burglars i've seen that and they look like burglars too they're not cute they

They've got the, they've got the, it definitely wasn't cute when it was chasing after me on its hind legs. That's for fucking sure. People keep these fucking things as pets. Like, dude, what are you, what the fuck are you doing? And they also really, their paws are eerily close to hands, which is good for grabbing granola bars out of the

back pocket of unsuspecting victims. Have you, have you seen that video of the, of the raccoon grabbing a handful of cat food and running away? Yeah. You know what I'm talking about? It's a scavenger, dude. I have seen several videos on Tik TOK, uh,

of like a guy finding a dumpster and there oh it was this one video actually it was a guy and there was like he looked inside like a normal sized dumpster and there was like 25 raccoons in there and he was like how the fuck did you all get in here and he put in like a

He put in a piece of wood, like kind of like a, like a little ramp thing. And they all came out like it was a, it was a clown car. They're all like, it was like a walk of shame for 25 raccoons. I'm picturing that scene in Indiana Jones where he opens it up and there's all the snakes, but it's just raccoons and they fucking look up at you. They're eating all this trash. Exactly. They wandered in there just being like, Oh food. I don't, I think they're smart. I think no regard for how they were going to get back out.

I always wonder when it comes to animals with really strong noses, how do they distinguish? Because when I smell trash, you know, it's like everything mixed together. I guess they just get a little whiff of it. Are they attracted to that? Well, you have to get... I'm sure it's...

triggers some kind of response for them because half of what they live off of is just trash bags. You think they get like a trash boner or something? They rip into trash bags. Well, I bet their parents probably teach them that there's shit in the trash and then they learn there's shit in the trash and then the smell of trash probably compels them to check out the trash. So they're taught by their parents how to get trash boners. That's an interesting hypothesis. Well, yeah. It's like a cat hearing the bag of food shake.

Or like a dog hearing the bell. It's like Pavlovian at that point. They sniff trash. They're like, oh, there's food in here. I got a question for you guys because I can't solve this shit at all. My dog...

She knows when a bag of like deli meat is opened, but any other thing like within that bag, like you could open any other bag or whatever and she won't come. But if you open the meat bag, there's not physically enough time for the smell to get to her. Yeah. Is it a different sound? Different sound? It's the same sound to my my mortal ears, but I don't know to her. Well, yeah, I mean, darks have really strong ears.

See, you should stop saying, okay, now to open the meat bag right before you open the bag. That's what it is. I always go, well, this sandwich is just missing one thing.

That's what I say. All right. Hope nobody hears me open this meat bag that sounds very similar to another one. So let me clarify. This is the meat bag. Wow. I'm making a sandwich. What a treat. All right.

That's not what happens. That could be it. No, it's not. It's not. She knows, though. She knows. So, from what I've gathered here, raccoons, stingrays, worst animals. Hate raccoons. There's more. What's the other one that looks like a rat?

that people keep as pets, like ferrets. Is it not? It's not. Is it ferrets? No. What's the other one? I thought ferrets were cute. I thought ferrets were cute. Yeah, ferrets are the ones that move like those worm on a string. There's another one that people keep as pets that's just disgusting. Yeah, fuck them.

Okay, their faces are pretty gross. It's gross. It's ugly. The ones that you see when you're driving down the street at night and it's like those eyes and you're like, what the fuck are you doing in the middle of the road, you weirdo? It's the cartoon red eyes. They're probably one of the worst looking animals that I have run into in my life in person. It's so ugly. Mouth closed. Six out of ten.

Mouth open. No, no. It drops to a zero. No, it's like two out of ten with its mouth closed, bro. That's such a long, ugly face. I'm looking at it. Its tail has no hair on it. Have you seen its tail? Charlie, a six out of ten is a passing grade. Okay, all right. Mine is a little nicer than the one you put. That's because the tail on the one you sent is obscured by a branch. It's hairless. It looks like it's disgusting. Yeah, no, it's definitely... I'm going to deduct...

Three to four points from my initial grade, bringing it down to a two or three out of ten mouth closed. I'm going to say mouth open. That's definitely a two or maybe a one. It's a zero. It's not a zero. It's not a zero. It's not a zero. It's not a zero. Okay. There's got to be grosser mammals. There's grosser mammal. Okay. Let's just break this down instead of saying they're gross. They're not. They're gross. They're not. Because there's a bit of, there's multiple things here. We've got number one. There's no nuance to this topic, Ted. No nuance. Groomed. Groomed. Possibly.

I believe that groomed possum, groomed possum, nice fur, tail obscured, tail tucked. Groomed possum on Discord. No, no, no, no, no, no. Fluffed possum. A fluffed possum would be to me...

A five out of 10. I'm just trying to break this down for the people at home who may have positive opinions of possums, which is why I think it requires. I don't respect you. I don't respect you. Throw down some granola and go and bring some to the yard and make your own judgment. For one, we've got the creepy rat.

tail the naked rat tail that's messed up second of all if they have claws why does anything that looks like that ever need claws um its face is too long and it's got really messed up teeth and it also looks like it's dirty all the time oh just if you want something soft get a cat or a bunny yeah i'll get a possum you don't have to be cool i don't think possums are possums are not possums are not supposed to be domesticated animals like by any means

No, not at all. What type of animal are they? What sort of zone do they... The wild zone. The gross and wild and feral zone. Yeah, the street zone. The don't feed them zone because they'll keep coming back. Don't feed them and if they get in your house, get them out. That's the part of the problem. Aren't they the only North American marsupial? Isn't that what they are? I'm gonna... I guess, man. I don't know the whole fucking hook. Yeah, dude.

I heard they're the only North American marsupial, bro. Where- yeah, where'd you hear that? I fucking- Marsupial class? Why do you know anything about these rats? What was that- what was that fun fact on the back of the marsup can? Ayy, got him!

Adam. The opossum is a marsupial of the order. Dilpha, whatever the fuck. To the Americans. I don't care what fucking frat it belongs to. It's a marsupial. I mean, I wasn't wrong that it was a marsupial. Okay? Glad you thought that was funny, Schlatter. That was pretty good. All right, you know. Koalas are marsupials too, aren't they? There's a lot of marsupials in Australia. There's almost too many.

From being honest. They all have chlamydia? What is... Okay, a lot of these marsupial names sound like something you'd ingest and then die. Like kangaroo? Diprotodontia. Yeah, that sounds like something that would become a poison. That's something Joe Rogan would talk about. That's a new supplement Joe Rogan's taking. Notoriceidae. What do you expect us to say to this, Charlie? Hey, there's a marsupial called Bilby's.

Bilbies! Bilbies? Yeah, Bilbies. Well now you've got my attention. Bilby. Bilbies are fun. What?! There's only 600, 700 Bilbies left! What?! Oh no. Shit! Okay, Bilbies are cute, bro. Bilbies are actually pretty fucking cute. Oh god, no they're not! No they're not! They look like- they look like

They look like someone glued a little straw onto a rat. So I like the name of them at first, but for those of you who are listening here, a bilby has like a... It looks like a normal mouse, but then all of a sudden, imagine that that is not a normal face of a mouse, but if you shape the face of a mouse around a funnel.

It's got like a little, it really does look like a fucking tube mouse. Take the smudge tool in Photoshop and just move out the nose a couple inches and then give it big ears. Somebody fucking slapped a liquify tool on this poor thing. Christ almighty, dude. I think they're okay. I think somebody went on a killing spree.

Yeah, I guess they had a reason, man. Oh, geez. They saw the snout and drove him to extinction. So other marsupials got like 17 syllable names and then there's Bilby? I think Bilby is just a really funny name. So I hope that they're able to thrive. I really do. Yeah, I hope that that's the reason also why it was named that was because this is a kind of a funny name. Let's name it a Bilby. Hope they don't go extinct.

And then... Oh, the lesser bilby. The lesser bilby actually went extinct in the 1950s. What'd you figure out, Schlatt? I just had an idea. What if...

Every endangered species, we just give a really cute name so that people care more about them being... They're going to be more in the limelight then, though, right? People caring about something being extinct is not enough to offset the people that just want to haunt it. I think that there's plenty of people out there that when they heard about a cute animal that's about to go extinct...

There are people that would make the choice. Let me go kill it and taxidermy it so I have a version of it before it's dead. I think that there are people out there that would do that. I do. I think that there are people that are like that. Gotta catch them all, I guess. That's fucked up. There'd be a change.org petition about bilbies if people knew about it. No one makes a petition for the eastern lowland gorilla whose literal species name is Gorilla Gorilla Gorilla, right? Because it's not cute.

What about, wait, hang on. We're looking up Bilby, Bilby, Bilby. Bilby, Bilby, Bilby. Here's the question for you, though. Are we enjoying the name Bilby because it's funny or because it's cute? I think it's because it's funny. It's both. It's because it's a small animal. So I think that more people should know about that the gorilla's scientific name is Gorilla, Gorilla, Gorilla because that's kind of funny. If we change Gorilla, Gorilla, Gorilla to Bilby, Bilby, Bilby, it would just be funny. It wouldn't be cute.

Because deep down, you know that Gorilla Gorilla Gorilla will beat the shit out of you. Goblin Shark's a funny name, but I'm not going to go seeking him out. You know what I mean? That's true. I'm not going to...

Miles under the sea. Oh, I thought you were going to say a thousand years. And I was like, of course. It got even more terrifying. Of course they're going to outlast me. Of course they do. Of course they're going to. Do you guys know what hellbenders are? I thought that was an animated series. It is, but it's also the name of what looks, it's like a giant yucky salamander. You know what? Here you go. Here's a picture of it. Here's a picture of it. That's a hellbender. Say what you're going to say. Oh, God. Oh.

What the hell? Species of aquatic giant salamander. That actually, you just filled in a blank in my life, Charlie, just now. I've been looking for the lizard that looks like a dick. I kid you not. I've been looking for this slippery fucker for 30 years. There is a very, very good burrito place in West Virginia called Hellbender's Burritos, and it has a mask. Its mascot is...

a hellbender and I was wondering what the relation was originally when I went there was with the reptile they had on it and the word hellbender because the only thing I thought of was that cartoon show made by Psychic Pebbles yeah Psychic Pebbles Psychic and Psychic Pebbles

That's weird that you... Wow. But what a gross looking... Yeah, I just looked up funny animal names and for some reason this came up next to Dick Dick and I clicked on it. Dick Dick? For the audio listeners, this picture of a hellbender essentially just looks like a really long and probably satisfying newly shitted piece of shit.

New newly shit. It looks like a fresh turd. It doesn't look like an old one. Like it doesn't look like cracked and like dilapidated. It looks like, it's like slithery. Yeah. It looks like it, it looks like it was just, you're right, Ted. It looks like a ripe turd. And that's the chuckle sandwich podcast. Before we go,

Blue-footed booby. Blue-footed booby. Everybody knows about the blue-footed booby, though, don't they? Birds. Birds, birds, birds. Good or sky rats? Let's hear it. Good. I like birds. I like birds, too. I'm real suspicious of those pigeon fucks. I think we can trust them. I think we can trust them. I will ask you a question. Don't say a fucking thing about trusting pigeons, Charlie. I'm going to ask you one question that will change your mind irreversibly and immediately. Yeah, go for it.

You ever seen a baby one? Okay, yeah, everyone knows this question. This is a classic question. You ever seen a baby fucking pigeon? You ever seen a fucking baby pigeon, Sean? No, I haven't seen a fucking egg rolling around in the street next to the adults. You haven't seen a baby pigeon? You've never, you've seen like small birds before, right? You've seen like baby birds? I don't think I actually, now that you're mentioning it, I don't know if I have. You've seen no baby birds?

Oh, no, that's not true. I've seen a bunch of like baby chicks and held baby chicks. It was awesome. Tell me one person who has known a baby pigeon before. We got to get high and look. No, no.

Elevate. Baby pigeons don't exist. Dude, I- it's- I- okay, fine, fine, fine, you win. I haven't seen a- fuck, they can't be trusted. They can't be trusted. Why are they so unafraid when you walk towards them in New York? 'Cause they're used to it. They're used to it. They want you to get close. No! Oh! Fuck that! Ted just put a picture of a baby pigeon- Because anybody who'd see that would fucking stomp on it. And there'd be no left.

I want to trust them. I want to trust them. The pigeons get close because they want to look at you.

They want to see what's going on. That's okay. They're fine. They're fine. Their feet are a little weird. Their feet are a little weird. Feet are a little weird. Never seen a baby one get uncomfortably close to you? What are they doing? I'll tell you what they're doing, Schlatt. They're plotting. They're plotting. Exactly. They get fucking close to you, and there's no good reason. They don't know how to fire two neurons at the same time. What are they going to plot? They're watching. They're watching.

They're learning. They're preparing. And it's very ominous. And you should be worried. They do always know. They do always know when I'm coming up behind them. You know what this is called? What's that called? Lightbulb moment. Are you... You've got the lightbulb turned on? Is that what's going on? All right. Well, sorry, Ted. He's got me hyped. He's got me hyped. I can't stop.

Well, thank you guys so much for joining us on the Chuckle Sandwich Podcast. Hope you enjoyed our very first episode. This has been me, Schlatt, and Charlie. And hope you're having a wonderful day and see you next week. Chuckle you later. Peace out.