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This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.
We're fucking old now, man. 101 episodes in. 101. And you know what? My bones are cracking and creaking. And I'll tell you one thing. What's better of a way to celebrate our journey into 100 episodes without harvesting and just
displaying... Organs? No. The embarrassing stories of our audience. Could have been a little more interesting if it was organs, but I guess we could do embarrassing stories. We could do an unboxing special sometime of people just...
Fan unboxing and we literally just open up. We just start pulling. We got a heart here. We got a heart here. Oh, this could go to a child in need. Nah, let's just toss it in our not cool looking organ box. Yeah, and the bad ones will sell in the black market and the good ones we keep.
for our own little play place. We'll have pleasantries with the organs. Oh yeah. We will. We're going to play with them. Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich.
Welcome everyone, episode 101 of Chuckle Sandwich. Today we've got another SpeakPipe episode. On the last episode of our SpeakPipe journey is where you guys send in speakpipe.com slash chucklesandwich. You send in a little voice message, usually to a question that we've asked you on the previous episode. And on the previous episode, we asked you to send us your most embarrassing stories.
Ted, I think I am getting old. Are you seeing this big-ass bald patch in the middle of my chop? Yeah, it's totally a bald patch in your chop right there. There's a bald patch in my chop. Are you sure your dish didn't slip when you were doing some grooming? I don't know. I don't know. That's new. Well, it looks better now. This is new. It looks better now. Yeah, I did put... I just kind of... You're going to have to do some comb-overs for your... Oh, it looks totally fine now. I'll just get some minoxidil in there. Yeah, yeah. Get some veeps or whatever. Yeah. Um...
But what are you looking forward to mostly for... I mean...
Really, I have a positive outlook in general right now. Talking about this episode, you're fucking amazing. Talking about the embarrassing stuff. Excuse you, I was trying to express how happy I was about the day that I find myself in, but I guess we don't have to talk about that. I mean, we really could, I just didn't believe you when you said that you were excited for life. Oh, let me tell you. Let me tell you, Ted. I'm pulling up my phone right now. I'm using Face ID to unlock it. Oops, Snapchat was open.
It is 58 degrees in Austin right now. 58. Count them. That's only 5.8 right there. You know what it was yesterday? Like 75 still? Oh, yeah.
Like 80 almost? Well, 68 or 58. That's pretty... 58 in Texas. That's pretty fucking nice, dude. That's pretty nice. It's nice. I got my hoodie on. I got my earthy vibes color earth on. In about a week, I'm going to be flying out to where Tucker is and we're going to be cuddling. We're going to be rolling around. We're going to be smacking each other in the ass. It's going to be really awesome. And Emma's going to have to watch the whole time.
What do you think about that, Tucker? Dude, I'm so hyped. Yeah, so got a pretty cool Thanksgiving coming up. I got a couple things to be thankful for. And one of them is going to be smacking the sweet, succulent ass of Tucker Keene. How about you, Schlatt? What do you... Because, I mean, by the time this episode comes out, it will be past Thanksgiving. Will it? Yeah. Oh, great. You know what we used to do for Thanksgiving? We used to get Boston Market. Like...
Feel like I've seen a Boston mark before but I don't know really what it is you from Massachusetts Yeah, but like it's not really Boston market is I mean I've seen the logo. Yes. They've got a Boston market in LA like I know I never even heard yeah, see this is From Boston man, like I feel like they're just making shit up. Oh
Since 1985? Yeah, this isn't a tried and true thing. This has only been around for 40 years. Dude, we get Boston Market caught, like, mac and cheese and mashed potatoes, all the sides for Thanksgiving. We just went to Boston Market, and, you know, it was fucking delicious. The mac and cheese is really thick. It's really cheesy. It's a good time. And it took all the pressure off of making these dumbass side dishes no one really cared about. You put all the effort into the burn.
The rotisserie nuggets look actually pretty damn good, and they are pretty frequently around Boston. It seems like it's a... But this isn't like a Massachusetts staple. I mean, sure, they got one at Waltham and Chelmsford and all over the fucking place, but I don't know. Tucker and I haven't heard of this, and we grew up there. I'll tell you one place we've heard of. McDonald's. We've heard of McDonald's, man. I think everyone has. We've heard of it. You want to hear a Boston staple? McDonald's.
Especially from our hometown where you couldn't have a fucking drive-thru. You had to fucking walk into the fucking restaurant. I think a starving malnourished person in Pyongyang has heard of McDonald's. Don't talk to me about Pyongyang. You don't know the first thing about Pyongyang. You don't think I know the first thing about Pyongyang? The capital city of North Korea? Show me a photo of you hanging out in Pyongyang. I've never been to Pyongyang.
Why would I go there? Maybe you should. Why would I go there? Maybe you should go to Puyo. Why would I go there, Ted? To check it out. That's like you telling your stories about playing basketball in China. Go back there and see what happens. You want to know a fucking place I've heard about in China? What? Burger King. I had the best Whopper I've ever had in China. Dude, come on. They don't have that there. They do. They do. At least in the airports. They don't have Burger King. No, no. No.
Let's listen to these embarrassing stories. Man, you're the one who started talking about your chops at the beginning, okay? I was getting ready. I was lining up. I was doing my chops. We moved off that subject. Okay. Well, you guys sent us your embarrassing stories. We're going to be talking about you. We're going to be making fun of you. We sent, I mean, I feel like I've developed. Do I need to enroll you in speech therapy? Do I need to enroll you in a fucking wood chipper?
Do I need to roll you into a big snowball and roll you down a hill? Do I need to roll you into a fucking, I don't know, metal lurching factory where the hot metal comes out of those things and hot tubes of metal come out and they hit workers and they die? Do I need to roll you into a live leak video? Do I need to take you on State Road 186 and toll you?
That was so specific. What do you mean? Bitch, txtag.org, baby. I owe $10,000 to the government of Texas. Still? You didn't fix that? Yeah, yeah. I feel like we've been through this. This feels familiar to me. It happened again?
Oh, it just was never paid. Oh. I never paid it. Oh, okay. That's fair. That was like episode five. That's a callback right there. That is a callback. Yeah. But whatever the case, we sent Tucker, our little cherub, off onto the speak pipe. He scrolled, he scrolled. He probably scrolled with his wife. They probably did it together while sipping on some soup. Okay, let's get into it.
Here's Molly. Hey, Ted. Hey, Shalom. Hey, Ducker. Shalom and Ducker? Shalom and Ducker? I think she said my name correctly. She did. She did. And then she fucked up the next two following names. Fucking A. Okay. Wow. Restart again. Okay. Go through it. Okay. Hey, Ted. Hey, Shalom. Hey, Ducker. Hey, Shalom.
My name's Molly. I'm actually from Ted and Tucker's Neck of the Woods. I'm from Groton, Mass. Cool. I go to the Staples. You worked at Nacton all the time, and you had the same subway, all that shit. Oh, nice. Anyways, I have a really short embarrassing story. I went to New York City for the first time about six years ago to visit a friend. We were traveling all over the place, and I saw the Brooklyn Bridge while we were on the subway. My friend said, oh, you want to go to the Brooklyn Bridge? And when I asked, what's on the other side of that bridge?
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. I think she crossed the Brooklyn Bridge. Dude...
That is embarrassing because honestly, if it was just to her friend and they were just like in a car or something traveling over the Brooklyn Bridge, maybe it would have been a little bit less embarrassing. But the fact that there were like several New Yorkers there that could laugh at her, that would have taken me down a couple notches for sure. Ouch. Ouch. As the New Yorker, what do you think of this shit? Brooklyn Bridge. Yeah. It's in the name. It's in the name.
You're a fucking idiot. You dumbass. I guess it's just, it just runs in the family. Anyone who's up there, where you guys are from, you just, nah, got a couple screws loose. Oh, okay, well now hold on. Got a couple screws loose. No, hold on, hold on. Just feels like every single one of yous. I don't claim this person from Massachusetts. I do not claim. She claimed you.
She claims you. She can try. She hangs out at your subway and your Staples. She probably fucking looks at all the documents trying to find records of you. We don't hang out around there or work there for a very good reason. That is the place where souls go to die. Okay? You go there and it's like you walk in there and it's like walking in a poison zone. You're walking in a... Yeah. Like I'm in Fallout and I'm starting to hear... To Blue Zone from Fortnite! To Blue Zone.
Yes, yes, yeah, yeah, you're in the eye of the storm. It's exactly, why did you get so excited when you said that? I've been playing that. Okay. Ted, Ted. What? Ted, hold on, hold on, hold on. You're pulling it up on your phone or something? Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Okay. Hold on.
Nice. Victory Royale. Very good. Last night, baby. Last night. You took a picture of it on your phone? Of course I did. Why didn't you take a screenshot with your computer? What? Why didn't you take a screenshot with your computer? I don't know. Okay. Yeah, no, we don't claim that person, though. It's like you walk into the rad zone in fucking Fallout. It's bad, dude. It's not good.
Yeah, that's a silly fuck-up. That's a silly fuck-up. Molly, if you're ever taking the subway up to Lexington Avenue and 53rd Street, run, because I'll be there. With a gun. I'm going to fucking chase you. You're going to chase me and say, run, run, run, run! That would be awful. That would be a fucking movie. Yeah, that's my subway station, that one. Okay, cool. I live there.
Tucker, what do we got for the next embarrassing story? Jackson, this one might be the one question, or it might be the next one. One of these early ones is a question that I thought was funny that we just found. But here we go. It is marked funny question on the... Yeah, okay, then this is the one. Okay. Hello, Ted. Hello, Shalat.
Thank you. Fuck you, man. Had me in the beginning. So I'm not answering the question, but I just want clarification on something. What do you guys do during the intro song? Because in my head, it's just like I see you guys just sitting there like...
dancing along singing as it plays out and then and then you sit back in your chairs and like okay the video starting and then you start talking again but yeah just something i thought of you're gonna be really depressed when you hear this answer um but the truth of the matter is is that that time that the intro is playing does not exist we never hear the song when we record these episodes
I'm sorry to say this, but we will record our cold open, we will say "Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich", and then we will continue the conversation. That is fake time that passes, that we cease to exist. But if you want the answer that you were looking for, I'm going like this. I'm going like this a little bit. And I just pause. No, I'll tell you what Schlatt's dance is doing. He's going like this.
I'm not doing that. I don't do that. He's going like this a little bit. That's not my dance. Is that Thriller from Michael Jackson? Or no, he's actually Tugger. He's going like this. He's going. Why would I be doing? What is that? He's doing one of the PUBG dances. Oh.
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We've been thinking about learning one. Actually, you know what? That leads me to say something before we move on to the next thing is that we got him in. Tucker and I got him in. We got Schlatt to play PUBG with us, and it was excellent, dude. And I was good. I was good, wasn't I? Yeah. I mean, Schlatt was... I would... You know...
I was saying, you know, I had said to you, Shalette, that you might have been a B or A tier revive on that, because we have tiers of revive, how valuable someone is if they go down. We're really toxic friends. But after playing with several other people since then, I would probably classify Shalette as at least an A tier revive, because we have not been playing with very talented individuals lately.
But, you know, sorry, Trav, but, you know, it's a shame to see it. It's a shame to see it. It's a shame. I'll start charging you guys hourly for my time then. No, you won't. If you want me that bad. No, no, no. If you want me that bad, you squat 80 or revive. You got to pay for it. Not in our Discord. We don't charge for friendship there. That's not how it works. Family Guy had a funny moment in one of their episodes of the show.
Where Stewie and Brian go back in time to an episode where it's like the crudely drawn seasons. You know? You know like the first four seasons of Family Guy? Yeah. They're scuffed as fuck. Yeah. They went back to an episode from one of those early seasons of Family Guy. And they looked in the window of the house that Peter lives in. And they were looking at a scene that had played in a previous episode. That's cool.
That's cool. But the callbacks, this is what I'm getting to, the callbacks, right when Peter was like, eh, that reminds me of when I fucked Lois. And then they all paused. That's creepy. That's creepy.
And then once the cutscene had stopped playing, they kept going. Like, it was really cool, actually. Yeah. And it just reminded me of that. Because, like, what if Ted just goes, welcome to Chuckle Sandwich? I wouldn't make that face, though. I would go like this. I would go, welcome to Chuckle Sandwich. And then I'd go...
And then we'd be in the episode. Yep. Okay, so there's the answer to your fucking question. What was his name? Jackson. Jackson? Okay, there's your answer. Jackson. Give me the next one, Tucker. Give me the next one. Kalem. Kalem? Kalem. Sorry. That was mean, actually.
Hey, Ted and Shlong and other... I don't feel bad anymore. What the fuck did I do to deserve this? My most embarrassing moment was probably when I went to the pool with one of my friends when I was about 10 or something. And I had what I thought was a great idea for a prank where I'd swim up underneath him and poke him in the arsehole. Oh, he's Scottish? I did. And when I surfaced to see his reaction, turns out it was a different kid with the same swimming trunks.
So I didn't go to the pool for a while after that. Wait, what just happened? Yeah. I don't know. It'd be easier to hear him if he didn't have a stupid fucking accent. Maybe that's the most embarrassing thing about him. He sounds like he's gargling balls. Can you play that one more time? Sure.
Well, he did gargle balls in this story. Let me tell you, I don't want to hear the accent again. I don't want to hear him speak. I'll tell you what happened. He was doing this fun thing where he... He's so unnecessarily mean to this Galen guy. He was doing this fun thing where in the pool with his buddy, he stuck his finger up his ass.
And he came up after doing it and it was some other kid in the same. I got to say, no matter what age I am and no matter where I live in my life or where I exist, I'm never sticking my finger up my friend's ass. Sorry. Yeah. Not doing it. Yeah. That was the first mistake, I think. Yeah. I ain't doing that shit. Doesn't seem very doesn't seem very funny. I know a nice ass smack. That's pretty funny.
That's pretty funny. Aspats are normal and natural. Yeah. Tickling their prostate, maybe not so much. No, that's a different... I'd say it's a different tier. It's a different tier of prank. It seems like the kind of prank that's like, hey, maybe we... You know, this is a little so much. Prostate orgasms are definitely... I mean, they're...
You can't be trying to give your friend a prostate orgasm in the pool. You can't be going and doing that. Those are great pranks, dude. I love it when a guy comes up behind me and gives me a prostate orgasm. That's sort of one of my... My boys do that to me. That's good. Next fucking thing. The next one is coming from SigDaddy. Here we go. SigDaddy? Hey, Slurk and Cud.
I got some that time. Sick daddy. Just wanted to explain and share an embarrassing moment in my life. This guy kind of sounds like courage. When I was about 17, I was seriously dating a girl in high school. No, you weren't. Sure enough, I was at the point in my life where we were both ready to lose our virginities.
Well, back in the mid-2010s, cell phones were full of buttons, and you could easily butt-dial people. So as I was losing my virginity in the back of my 04 RAV4, I accidentally butt-dialed my mother. No! Seven and a half minute voicemail of all the...
unsavory parts of oh my god no dude with that being said i hope you enjoyed my uh embarrassing story and uh i'm gonna go wrap my car around a fucking pole damn sig daddy you're winning thus far with the embarrassing stories that sucks oh man i wonder how long the mom listened to it
No, it was a voicemail. So you had, I imagine the next, once he realized, dude, once he hit end call on that phone, probably the fucking Samsung Intensity 2 with the slide out keyboard. Oh, dude, he probably booked it home. It was like a, it was probably like a scene out of fucking John Way of Kim Trump. Get to that phone and delete the message. Yeah, no, he's probably drifting around corners in the streets. Oh God, dude. Mom, get that off your phone! What a nightmare.
Yeah, I mean, how do you even... Hey, Mom. Because if I, you know, I don't know. How would that conversation with the mom even go down? Like, Mom, delete that voicemail off your mom. Mom, what's on it? What's on it? We'll be there just listening to it. Mom, I got hacked. I got hacked. You don't want to listen to that. It'll put a virus on your flip phone. And at the same time, he's listening on the voicemail. He's like, yeah, my name is Sig Daddy, and I live at this address, and I'm fucking you right now.
Full name. Fucking A. Wow, that's a good one. See, this is what we're looking for, Chocolates. We're looking for shit like this. That sucks. Oh, man. That's the winner. That's the winner currently. Yeah, that's the current winner. That's an S-tier embarrassing story. Yeah. You want the next one? Oh, yeah. All right, here's Joe. Hey, tennis lad. Hope you're doing well. The story I have for you takes place on my way to school many years ago. So, basically, I was going to school on my scooter. What is this, Tiny Tim?
And I was going pretty fast. And I was very young. So I was not aware one bit. So I'm going down this street. And it's got a lot of obstacles. Now, I swerve out the way of this bin.
And then I go full throttle straight into a lamppost. There were so many people around, and it just kind of ruined me. Absolutely ruined me. So he just ate shit. He ate shit on a scooter. He hit a trash can. Yeah. Over in the UK, for audio listeners, love you to death, and video watchers, you're okay. It's a trash can. They call them bins. Bins.
Just so in case there was some sort of something lost in translation there. He ate shit. He fucking embarrassed himself. How old was he when he did this? Did he say he was like a little child? I don't know. I mean, he said he was younger than he is currently. So maybe like anywhere from four to six. Four to six years old. Because he sounds like he's like maybe eight or nine.
Dude, don't play Call of Duty. You're going to get bullied pretty bad on that game. People are going to hurt your feelings. Sorry, dude. Sorry. Sorry, man. Sorry about that. But, you know, that's pretty funny. Dude, everyone has that one or two moments where you take a fall or a tumble and you have to try to play it off, but you're in a lot of pain. That happened to me most recently with you guys a couple weeks ago when I bludgeoned myself on the rocks.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was an embarrassing moment for me. That wasn't that embarrassing. The cameras were on, too. Well, yeah. I mean, like, that was my first time running in a while. How long? Fucking months, probably. Really? Yeah. I don't run. Oh. When do you run? At the gym. Oh.
I got a bike now too. Oh, cool. What kind of bike? It's a freaking specialized mountain bike. Nice. Yeah, I've got a bunch of freaking additions to it too. I got a freaking seat...
As well, I got a freaking phone holder. And I have a freaking little bag that I put on the middle of it that I can hold my AirPod case and my wallet and my keys. We posted the first Austin episode.
The chuckle fans immediately comment within 10 minutes. And did Ted gain weight? Ted's looking on the heavier this one. And Ted's read this to me. He's like, man, I really, the ankles are bad. Yeah. Three days later, Ted's like, Hey dude, I got a bike. I'm going to bike to the gym today.
Well, this bike thing has been something I've been considering for a while, but maybe it did push me or may not have pushed me over the edge where I was like, people are saying I'm getting fat now. I gotta get a bike. I did. I did. I rolled up to... I went to probably the spookiest bike shop in all of LA. It was like...
There was like, I walked in, it's like a tile floor. You'd see in like a kitchen in an apartment, like from like 1985, there's like two guys in there. They seem genuinely surprised that I've walked into this business. So I'm like confused. I'm like, is this just like a fucking, just like a, like a, uh, what's that thing that you take a, you take like wagons to and red dead redemption when you're getting rid of something that's like a shed or something. Uh,
Oh, yeah. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about? It's like, it seemed like it was a place where they just break down stolen bikes and they sell them off for the highest bidder. So I don't even know if the bike I got was like, you know, theirs. But it's like one old guy who is like smoking a cigarette and he's wearing like, he's wearing like a fucking Adidas one piece. And then the other guy is like, yeah, I buy the bike off him and I'm like, what about that one? He looks at the wall and he just gives me like a random price.
I'm like, okay. I looked it up, looked up how the bike is, much as the bike is worth on my phone. I got it like half off. So I'd say it was pretty good. It was a pretty good time. Nice. Now I ride that bike all around LA. There you go. Here is One Ball Joey. Hello there, Swanathan.
Theodore Cock and Ball and Grocker. Grocker? My most embarrassing story was when I was in freshman year of high school and I had testicular torsion after gym class. Oh, no. I was in math class because that was after my gym class and my balls just started to really fucking hurt. My right nut was swollen and I went to the nurse's office and
I didn't even talk to my teacher. I kind of just left the class and they got pissed. And I went to the nurse's office. Nurse looked at my testicles. Oh, boy. Saw the one that was swollen and then gave me a fucking ice pack. And... For the...
I left my bag in the room, and for some reason I just didn't remember the room name, so I had to point them in the direction of what room it was in, and they wheeled me off in a fucking wheelchair with an ice pack on my crotch. And they had people coming up to me like, what just happened? You were fine like a couple minutes ago. And, uh, yeah, no, and then I, uh...
you know, went to the hospital. I still have both my testicles, but no one believed me. I was "One Ball Joey" for a while. Wow. And, yeah. That's my most embarrassing story. So people thought that he lost his testicle and they were calling him "One Ball Joey"? That sucks. It's not even alliteration. It's not even like a funny, like, creative name. It's just like... Yeah. Just putting "One Ball" in front of his name. That sucks.
Oh, man, I'm so glad that I haven't dealt with testicular torsion because I don't know if I would have been able to handle the pain there. Tug, you ever gotten testicular torsion? Nope. Does anyone here know anyone who's gotten it personally? I haven't heard of anyone getting that. No. Other than one ball jelly. They say Hitler had one ball. I thought that was Neil Armstrong. No. No.
No, I wasn't. No, Napoleon? No, the biker. I think Napoleon and Hitler both had one ball. No, the biker. Lance Armstrong? Is that the biker? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I think those three guys all had one. That's good company for Lance. Let's move on to the next one. The next one's coming from Ginny, like the Harry Potter girl. Okay.
Okay, my most embarrassing story, or one of. In like 2018 for the SEC championship game, my brother, my dad and I went and sat Mercedes-Benz. And I don't know, it wasn't a tailgate, but whatever it was, they had like a bunch of like broadcasts and like all these activities you can do before the game. And one of them was a 40-yard dash. So of course, I'm going to race my brother and beat him. But, um,
We get to the thing and it's like a whole crowd of people and like a whole line. You have to wait in to do it. So we get up there.
And we start running. We get, like, 20 yards in. And we're, like, neck and neck. So I'm going to beat him. But then my legs, like, completely gave out. And I completely face-planted into the ground. Oh, no. And that wasn't even the worst part. It was, like, I was on the ground. And I'm, like, trying to get up. And they didn't notice that I had already... That I had fallen. They let the next two people go. And the person in my lane practically ran me over. And...
Yeah, there was a whole crowd watching, so that was wonderful. Trampled. It sounds like this person did something wrong in a past life. Sounds like this Ginny deserved this. There was something... Yeah. There's some sort of guilt in their voice where it was like they killed an animal or something, like a small animal before this, or... That sounds like karma to me. Yeah. Sounds like you deserve that, Ginny. You... I relate, though. I relate to running as fast as I can.
And then my legs giving out. Yeah, that's a couple that few seconds, Ginny, of, oh, shit, I'm about to eat shit and there's nothing I can do about it. You know, that's that's really I empathize. I mean, it is scary when you get Tucker sick on you like that.
I was terrified. You know, it was like, who knows if that video is out at this point. Probably not when this podcast comes out. Probably not. Definitely not. But at the end of one of the specials we did, I sick Tucker on Schlatt. I said, get him. I said, get him. And then Tucker started sprinting at Schlatt. And I think that Schlatt was utterly unprepared for how fast Tucker was going to be.
Well, I looked back because I thought, oh, I can outrun this guy no problem, even though I haven't probably ran in 2023. Yeah. So I was running.
And I got a good distance away and then I was like, okay, I can probably slow down. I look back and he's right there. Like, gaining on me. And I'm like, oh, fuck. And then I think it was that realization. It threw me off, man. And, you know, Tucker's got those fucking predator eyes. You know, like, they just look straight forward. There's no, like, his face is just completely forward at all times. Just looking straight ahead. Yeah.
Tucker, look at the camera, kind of like how you were running at Schlatt. Dude, I don't know what I was doing. Yeah, you were probably like this. It was probably like an innate behavior. Yeah, no, it definitely wasn't an innate behavior. You definitely enter into a state of being when you get physical like that. Tucker doesn't usually start sprinting out of nowhere. Actually, there's been several times, I think, that I've gotten Tucker to sprint. It's actually kind of a reoccurring. Yeah, it actually is kind of a reoccurring thing where I can be like, Tucker, go get him! And I'd see him run. You're like my...
I'm like your dog. Yeah, yeah, you are. You're my attack dog. Yeah. Incredible. Well, Jenny, everyone was looking at you, and it was, I mean, we were all laughing. But at least they didn't get it on video. Yeah. Yeah. Sheline's got a bunch of cuts on his hand. He's screaming. He's screaming. I have scars. There's scars. There's scars on my hand now. I'm going to remember it forever. That'll clear up. Give it a month. That'll clear up. You kidding me? I'm going to remember it forever.
Oh my goodness. Scars. Um, all right. Well, what's the, what's the next one? Okay. We're going to go with Luke here. High sled and flat. Uh, I'd say the most embarrassing moment of my life was probably in fifth grade. Uh,
I go to like a hundred student school. Wow, that's not very big at all. And we were all required to be a part of this school play. Oh, no! And in this play, I played this character who said just the word cake for probably 95% of the play. And then towards the end, I was supposed to go on this huge monologue. I don't even remember what it was about.
So the play's going on. I'm saying cake like an idiot in front of probably around 300 parents. And then when I'm about to go on my huge monologue, I just forget every single one of my lines. And I'm standing there on this stage looking at my music teacher. And I'm going like, oh. And I don't even remember what I did because it was so long ago. Yeah, you just cut it out of your mind. That was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. Jeez. Yeah, just being up there and saying, yeah, I want to.
I don't know if I... I did a little bit of theater myself. I don't know if I've ever fucking fucked up as bad as you did, Luke. Yeah, that's rough. You dumbass. You forgot you're aligned? You're saying cake the whole time and all you had to do was remember a line? Should have just kept saying cake. Yeah, you should have just said cake and then there would have been a rousing applause. It would have been like a... It would have been like...
Would have been like Cain's. It would have been a 20 minute applause. Dude, if I was in Luke's position, I would have turned that into an awesome moment. Oh yeah? He just didn't deliver. What would you have done if this were here? I would have kept saying cake. You just over and over? That was my idea. You would have started rapping it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I probably would have said, I thought he was going to say that he just said cake and then people would have been just like, uh-huh.
And if it was, that would be funny if it was like, he's the guy who ends the play and then it's just, and then it's like, there's, there's like no resolution. It's just like him just like standing up there awkwardly, just like watching as it all unfolds. I wonder how long they would have stood there for. It seems like he's knocked it out of his brain though. Yeah. It's good. It's good that that happened. You know, that's, that's something you don't want trailing you your whole life, you know? Yeah. Yeah.
Unless someone remembers it a little bit. And now it's immortalized in a podcast. People are always going to remember. True, Luke. Everyone knows. Little no monologue cake Luke. That's what they'll call him. And one ball Joey. And one ball Joey, exactly. All right. That wasn't that bad, though, Luke. You're okay. Here comes Julie. Julie-O. Julie-O.
Hey Ted. Hey Shlat. Hey Tucker. Hello audio listeners and audio listeners only. So I believe the last question was about embarrassing stories and this is probably not the most embarrassing story that's going to come up, but it's what I think about a lot. And it's when I used to go to college and I would walk to class and it was about a 10 minute walk and I would pass by like a busy like street, some dorms and of course, you know, other students and,
So it was a nice spring day in North Carolina. It wasn't humid for once. And I was just enjoying myself, just listening to my music. When I got to the student union, I caught a reflection of myself in the window. Turns out my dress got caught in my fucking underwear and my whole ass was out and no one told me. And I'm kind of disappointed because I, you know, if I saw someone in that situation, I would have, you know, waved at them.
and said excuse me your whole butt is out and if they said it was intentional i'll just say oh word um respectfully that thing be hanging you got a nice fucking ass you you squat or something and then go about my day it's not that hard but you know what it's whatever um people got shit to do i guess so like the dress got caught in the underwear how did that how does that work
So it's just like they were just walking around with their dress up and they didn't notice? They didn't feel the breeze? Didn't feel the breeze. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Because when I walk around butt-ass naked, I mean, you feel it. You feel it everywhere. In your crack, in your gooch, in the uncanny valley. On your prostate. You know that seam that runs from your asshole all the way through the gooch to the shaft of the penis? Ah, yes, the grundle. On the balls?
The grundle. You feel it there. You feel it there. A nice tickle. Just saying. I would have realized. Yeah. You know, that sucks. That sucks. She walked across all the campus with her ass out. I would say that's pretty high up there in terms of embarrassing stuff. Although there is a bit of a bit of of joy, maybe even solace in not knowing who saw the ass out, though. Maybe it's no one.
But on the other side of it, maybe it's everyone. Maybe it got caught on. It was everyone. Maybe it was everyone. Did they say this was in college? Yeah. Yeah. So maybe it got caught on because a lot of campuses have those live streams of the campus. Oh, God, they do? Yeah. Some colleges have like, oh, here's a live stream of the campus of the students walking to and from class or whatever. Oh, yeah.
Maybe they got caught on a live stream of them walking across the square and everyone's just looking at them as they walk by. That would be funny. That would be horrifying, actually. But it would be funny in a horrifying way. It's true. It's like our political system, you know? Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, Julio, sorry that happened to you. Peace be with you. And with your spirit. Lift up your hearts. All right. We lift them up to the Lord.
Here comes William. Let us give thanks to the Lord our God. Dude, I don't fucking know the rap. It is right and just! It is truly right and just! Are you finished? Yes. Okay. Okay, William Holden. Um, alright. Hello, Ted Bundy and Jesus. So my embarrassing story... Okay, that one was funny. Ted Bundy and Jesus.
Bless you. What are you doing sneezing on it? Bless you. What's happening? Bless you. Okay. So my embarrassing story is... We got Jeremy from iCarly. A couple weeks ago.
My school, I'm on student council. We had a cornhole tournament, so I was working the board for the bracket, and there was a team called Bussy Buss, and over the intercom, over the microphone, to everyone, I pronounced it Bussy Buss. And it's been weeks, and it's still brought up.
Dude, this is... Oh, that's hilarious. What the fuck is up with this kid? He's like... He didn't record it a second time. Like, he sneezed like four times at the beginning of that. He sounds like he's fucking bedridden right now. Saying bussy bus. Oh, fuck. That's pretty funny. That's hilarious. That's hilarious. I don't know. Like, they definitely... The people who made that group name definitely meant for it to be pronounced that way. There's no way that they didn't.
I don't know. You can't tell me that bussy as a word exists in these kids. It sounds like high school. It sounds like these kids put on. Yeah. Like there's no way they weren't writing bussy because they knew that the teachers wouldn't know the word. Bussy is more culturally relevant than bussy currently. Yeah. What does bussy mean? I think it will be. I think it'll only get more culturally relevant soon after I'm done with it.
But that's funny. That's a funny thing. That is a pretty funny thing. Yeah. I mean, you can embrace that and turn it into like, oh, that's a cool like. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm into that. Like, you know, maybe. And I hope they won. To be honest, I hope they won big time. There we go. I, you know, they probably did. They probably did. What else do we got here, Tucker? And how many more do you say we have? We've got two more on the schedule. OK. OK. Let's see what we got.
Here comes Mallory. My most embarrassing moment was it was eighth grade and me and my friend went to the mall with a group of boys that we liked and
And we were, you know, most going into the mall. Anyway, so we were walking around and I do the bathroom. So we started walking down the stairs to go to the bathroom. But I was like, oh my gosh, I can go down these stairs so quick. I'm so cool. And so I like rushed down the stairs, like trying to be cool and like skip steps. And I fell flat on my face.
Like, I fully tripped and, like, missed the bottom three steps and just, like, like, just on my face. And it was super embarrassing. And I think about it way too often, considering it's been, like, 1, 2, 3, 4, like, over a decade. Someone's having trouble counting. Fuck. It's like having to start in a cell phone.
Starting a short circuit there a little bit.
Well, Mallory, sorry. Sorry, Mallory. I ate shit recently, too, and it's not fun, you know? Let me tell you. A lot of these people are falling on their faces, it seems like. Yeah. Not a lot of stable listeners to the Chocolate Sandwich Podcast, it appears. No, I figured most of our listeners would have poor bone composition. Why? Why? Hold on. A good amount should be Milkman fans and should be drinking their milk.
Well, I mean, I feel like most people these days are pussies and they don't like milk. Or busies. I drink busies. Busy bus. Look, I mean, the bright side is that I guarantee you no one you were there with ever thinks about that or even remembers that it happened. Or even remembers you. Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, you're probably not a thought in most people's minds. Yeah. Mallory. Mallory. So there's a fun way of looking at this. You're going to fade into nothingness, Mallory.
Yeah, your second death will come real quick. How does it feel that that was your peak, Mallory? That was your peak moment that people will know about you. Your voice will probably live on longer than anything else you do in this episode. Hey, Tucker, say something mean. No, you guys are dicks. What do you mean? What do you mean?
Mallory's a nice girl. Yeah, no, Mallory sounded really sweet. I don't know why we're doing this to them. Yeah, it is kind of mean. All right, here we go. We're kidding, Mallory. We're kidding, audio listener. Love you to death. Of course we're kidding. Actually, I was freaking kidding, Mallory. All right, here's Leo. Hey, Schluckle and Tat. Oh, my God. I'd like to tell you a story about when, well...
You'll see. So... What?! This one time, I, um, was driving with my boyfriend. I was dropping him back off at his house after a gathering of souls, and, um... Okay. Okay. That's one way to refer to a hangout. I was too socially anxious to, um, you know, ask him to use his restroom, which is really just such a massive L. I like the way that they said that. And I really, really had to pee.
So instead of getting out of my car and peeing on the side of the road or like, you know, asking him to piss in his house, I, uh, I sat in my car and pissed myself in my car. And I cleaned it up very thoroughly.
Turn this off now. No, don't. That's the story of when I pissed myself in my car. Holy shit. Thanks for listening, schlock. Holy shit. You sat in your car and you pissed yourself because of the anxiety of asking to use the bathroom. Fuck me. Oh, no. Yeah. Hey, you know.
Sure. There's always a bright side. Is there anything you can say to make that situation better? Not many things, but it sounds like they cleaned it up very well. They weren't seeing anyone after, it sounds like. It sounds like they were leaving somewhere. They were leaving somewhere so they're not going to see anyone again. Yeah, dropping off the boyfriend. You're dropping off the boyfriend. So the boyfriend didn't see it. Boyfriend didn't see it.
Yeah, maybe not that bad, I suppose. I mean... No. No. Don't lie. Don't lie. I'm trying not to. Don't lie. This person pissed their pants. Okay. Because they...
That's okay. It's alright. Yeah, I suppose there's some scenarios that could have gone real bad. Like if you pissed yourself and you're just reeking of piss and like you get pulled over by a cop and the cop rolls down the window and it's just this piss person. Piss person. Piss person sitting there saying whatever could be the problem officer.
Yeah, dude, that's one of the things where if that happened to me, if I did that, that's something I'm taking to the grave. Yeah? You know, that's not something I'd ever share. It's not that bad. Especially not on this podcast. It's not that bad. I don't honestly think everyone's had... Tucker, is it not that bad? I mean, surely everyone's pissed the bed at least once. I never voluntarily... The difference is that this was voluntary.
Tucker, what do you think? Is this that bad or is this... Surely you put this at the end because it was the worst in your opinion. No, the order was not indicative of anything. Okay. It depends how they... I think the act is embarrassing, but it's how they went about it. If they were like, listen, I was just too anxious and they were honest...
It's probably less embarrassing, but if they like, yeah, they were too angsty. Oh, but did they say that to the boyfriend? Well, does the boyfriend need to know after the fact? Like he, she just dropped him off and she's on the road. She, does he need to know? Boyfriend didn't know. I was thinking, didn't know. Oh, then, well, can something be embarrassing if no one is there to witness it? Well, we're, we're witnessing it right now. Yeah. Which is why I'm saying that's something I take to the grave.
Sounds like there was a... This is kind of a scenario where if a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound? But turns out we had a trail cam on, and the trail cam is the speak pipe for chocolate sandwich. I don't think that's that bad. We all know about it now, Leo. We all know. But now we need to... We know what you did. But now we need to level things out. And I have...
Shalott, do you have an embarrassing story? Yeah, I have one in recent memory, yeah. Oh, really? Are we just going to talk about what happened when you tripped? No, no, not the fall. Not the fall. It's something else. You want me to talk about the fall again? No, no, no. We've already talked about the fall. Okay. Would you like me to go first? If you'd like. If you seem like you're pretty raring to go. I'll share my embarrassing story for all you chucklers. I have many cars and...
Sometimes cars get dirty and you need someone to clean them because you're too rich to do it yourself. So embarrassing story is coming with a lot of hype ups. So I had a team of people come to my house to detail, not just clean detail, detail all my vehicles, a white glove service. And, you know, they they asked they were done with the Mercedes and
And they said, hey, can you take this car, one of your cars, because there's no more room in the driveway, can you move this car out and then bring the other one in? And I said, sure. So I moved the Mercedes. And these guys are just standing there waiting for me to pull the other car in. What I completely forgot about, missed my mind, is that the car they were asking me to move in had never been up the driveway.
Because it was unable to go up the driveway. Oh, no. It was too low. It was too low. Oh, no. Yeah, the driveway was too steep and the car was lowered. Oh, no. So you were on autopilot. I'll move it in. Yeah, I was just trying to be helpful. I think I was in between like a sleep-deprived recording or something. So I was just going out. I was trying to be real quick and run back in so I could keep recording.
I got in the car, turned it on, drove it. The second I hit the driveway, oh fuck. And there's three people watching me. Their job is to clean this vehicle. Did they all go like, no! Yep. Yep. And they're like, holy fuck. Like, is this guy fucking stupid? And I'm like, oh shit, shit. I'm just going to move it back out, guys. Put it in reverse.
It hits the road.
The front bumper is hanging off of the vehicle. No, dude. Yep. When was this? This was less than a year ago. Oh, my God. I've never heard about this before. That sucks. No, no. It's because it's one of those moments where you piss your pants and you don't want to tell anybody about it. This was fucking embarrassing. Oh, shit. These people were here to make this car perfect, and I fucking wrecked it right in front of them. And they legitimately said to me,
do you still want us to work on that one and i was like yeah maybe like guys i gotta go back here i gotta i'm doing a recording right now oh no that sucks i'm sorry that happened man that that blows yeah yeah i don't have that car that's a that's a pretty good embarrassing story though i mean that's like just an unfortunate because i i get where you probably were at where you were just like you just went on
And also, I should also say, we've been a little bit mean to the people who've said their embarrassing stories, but obviously, most of the time, you can relate. Everyone's had an embarrassing story, you know? Of course. But I can imagine how you were like, if you were in between recordings, you were just totally on autopilot and you just didn't think about it. Damn. Yep. Mine isn't... I hadn't...
I might have a more embarrassing one. I surely have a more embarrassing one, but there was this one time that I was in class for, I think it was like, it must've been like a history or a financial class when I was going to Ithaca. And we were in like a review session for, uh,
for this class and we were talking about like, oh, what's going to be on the test? What's going to be there? And I remember raising my hand to ask a question and I basically asked the teacher, I was like, so are these questions like there's I was asking about a certain type of question and I basically asked if this question was going to be on there or was the more trivial questions going to be on there?
And he was confused as you were, Schlatt, where he was like, trivial. And I was like, yeah, yeah.
And there was some confusion between us. And then we kind of moved on. And then I went and I looked up the word trivial. I had misunderstood what the word trivial was. Oh, shit. So I asked the teacher if there were going to be useless questions on the test to his face during a review session with everyone in the class. And I had to just kind of walk it off.
And no one said anything. No one said anything. It was just like, it was a classic college class where half the people are like, half the people are like barely awake. And like, and everyone's just silent. Everyone looks miserable. And I just said, told the teacher to his face that some of the questions would be useless. What were you trying to say? I don't remember. I don't remember what I was trying to say. I was like, I like, it was like, I just,
In that moment, it was like I used the word trivial and I was like, I just didn't use it correctly. And I don't know what... Because I know the meaning of the word trivial now. But for some reason, I think I had like a different understanding of what that word meant at the time. And I just totally was... It was like unintentionally like an asshole towards this teacher. Now you're Trivial Ted. Yeah. Trivial Ted. Trivial Ted. I'm sure everyone has like one or two words that...
Like, for some reason, through some lapse of judgment or just some dumb moment, like, it changed to mean whatever the mistake was. Like, you know, you'll say something wrong once and then your friends will just start using that pronunciation of it, you know? It happens. Yeah, so that's one of my embarrassing little moments. Tucker, do you have one that you want to share? Sure. Sure.
So my embarrassing moment, I'll tell like a little story. So I was 19 and so it's 2017 and I was texting a girl and we were, I didn't live near her. So we planned a, Ted, you're actually in the story too. I had planned a date, a first date. Oh, I know the story. Month plus in advance.
two months maybe out that we were going to meet up before Christmas when I was coming back to the East Coast and it was planned out it was going to be this romantic night and whatever and I showed up on the brink of probably the worst stomach bug I've ever had and we were in New York City in Manhattan and we were going to the Christmas market and doing all this stuff and I'm like intermittently throwing up on the street
And just in rough shape and just doing my best to like stomach it. And but I like the worst stomach bug. So and I meet her family and I'm like trying to be pleasant. I'm sitting there like dying on the inside. Like I I'm just like counting down till I can leave.
And then she ends up getting it. So this brand new girl I meet, first date, she gets sick for the rest of her Christmas break. And she's throwing up. And her family knows that I gave it to her. And then that night, I leave her and I, Ted happens to be in New York City at the time, and he's picking me up and we're both going back to Mass. And we share Chinese. And I'm feeling okay at that point. I'm like, okay, maybe it's the nerves are off or whatever. But
But we share a meal. Ted gets the stomach bug. Yeah, I wake up on Christmas morning with that stomach bug. So by Christmas, I'm feeling great. Ted and my new girlfriend are both texting me like, I am so sick. I'm throwing up everywhere. It only lasted a day for me, that stomach bug. It was just on Christmas I was knocked out. But on Christmas, I was knocked out. Yeah, so was Emma. But now... Now we're married.
Wow. I think she was into it. There's something about it. I don't know. Nice, dude. Dude, I remember that. Tucker was telling me about how he had to keep going into fucking back alleys to throw up. Yeah, throwing up on the street on my first date with my now wife was probably the most embarrassing thing. Damn. Look at us. Look at us. We've all had our moments. Yeah, we're just like you. We're just like you. Except a little bit more wealthy. While Tucker's a work in Maine...
Tucker's a working man. A student, perhaps. And a student as well, who almost didn't fucking get his classes he needed to finish school, but then he did. He was stressed about that. Yeah, if you're class registration, if your time ticket sucks and you run into problems, show up at your advisor's door at 8 a.m.,
and be waiting for them when they show up to work so you can immediately go in and demand they help you. Because they will. There you go. They will. Damn. They have to. Damn, dude. That was my week this week. Yeah, I want to hear more about that after the podcast. But thanks, Chucklers, so much. Do we... Oh, yeah. We have a...
We have something. Another prompt. A new prompt. Our next thing for you chucklers out there is we're going to do a little bit of a mixture this time between the Speak Pipes and another category of Chuckle Sandwich episodes you guys seem to know and love. And that is Would You Rather Please?
Go to speakpipe.com slash chucklesandwich and submit us your most devious, most diabolical, most treacherous, most trivial would-you-rathers that you can think of. And Tucker will listen to them and he'll determine which ones are good. And then we will listen to the best ones on the next SpeakPipe episode. Pipe you later. See you later, chucklers.
