QTCinderella's Most Embarrassing Story
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for you to justify for yourself to do a rug pull, schlatt coin promotion at the end of your career. - I've been working on that already. - I mean, he could just do it in a funny way. - Yeah. - As long as you make a YouTube video off of it, he could do it yes tomorrow. - I scammed my audience for $15 million and it's just me.

Kind of a good idea. Yeah. You just go to a stupid rainforest cafe like a dumbass. Yeah, your whole personality is based off of like being a real genuine happy-go-lucky guy who likes road trips and friends. I'm just me. Meanwhile, I was the smart one and I am the douchebag businessman scam artist and I can do whatever I want. I got a Mercedes Maybach out there.

He was 20 minutes late to the podcast because he had to switch out his Lamborghini Urus. Wow. What a piece of shit. For his, what was it? Mercedes Maybach. Mercedes Maybach. S580. S580. He was 20 minutes late to the podcast so he could have a different rental car, luxury car. The last one was a piece of shit. I needed that gone. It was a Lamborghini. I needed that Lamborghini. What made it a piece of shit? Let's begin.

Do you want me to talk about why the Lamborghini Urus is a piece of crap? There's going to be like a half an hour podcast that posts early into Chuckle Week where Schlatt spends most of his time talking about it. I don't know. I don't even think we should air that one. I'll be honest. Because we turned off the cameras and everyone was like collectively, what if we titled this one the worst podcast we've ever filmed? Wow. And it was just me. It was just me sharing my opinion for once. Yeah. Oh, you never do that.

I don't. I don't. And everyone hated it. Hated it. Imagine, like, imagine a... What the fuck just happened to you? I think he has to sneeze. Okay, well, it looked like he was having...

- So you know how like-- - I lost it, I lost it. - Have you seen Food Wars where they like eat food? - I was thinking like this is like what one of the disciples looked like when they were visited by a biblically accurate angel. - Right. - I just looked into the sky and you just saw a thousand eyes. - You are too big. - To explain what that podcast episode was like if it doesn't air, imagine like you're a kid and you're,

let's say your parents are divorced and you get home from school and your divorced dad is sitting in his apartment and he and it's and there's just rats everywhere and he's like hitting the rats with like a dirty rusty spatula and he sits down and he says he says come here come here come here and you're like kind of flinching a little bit he's like come here chef

And you sit down. And then he goes on an entire tangent about the problems with the handle on a Lamborghini...

and you sit there and you sit there. - It doesn't function like a real door, Ted. - And you're a hostage. - Every other huge Cinderella walker in the pocket. - But this is after, mind you, he goes on another half an hour tangent about how why drunk driving is a good thing. - But let's talk about the Lamborghini because the door, you know how doors work when you twist it or pull on them? There's a little mechanism that unlatches the thing that they're fucking connected to?

No, the Uris, it sends a little signal to a computer that then says to the door, which is an entirely different mechanism, oh, I'm going to open it now. So when you pull on it, there's a fucking half second delay between you pulling on it and the door opening.

unlatching. It's the stupidest fucking thing ever. Before you continue, Tucker, would you pull up a 30 second timer on the screen for Schlatt here? We're going to give you 30 more seconds to get every single issue you have with the Lamborghini Urus out so that

No one has to listen to this fucking bullshit ever again. - So I talked about the door already. The door is not a real door. It doesn't function like a door. The shifter in the middle is a three pronged device. And the only way, the only mechanism it has like a real car where you pull it back and forward is reverse.

Reverse is that park is a button on the shifter. Manual is a button to the right on the right side. And the drive, the drive selector is on the steering wheel. So when it turns with the wheel, so when you're pulling out, the drive button is always in a different fucking spot. - And time. Oh, he actually has a little bit more. Okay, now time.

- That sounds so frustrating. - Yes, Valkyrae has this car and she apparently loves it. - She loves it. - And I feel so bad for her. It's such a piece of shit. - Yeah, you started shitting on it and she was like, "Wait, it's such a piece of shit." - Sad. - It's such a piece of shit. Awful, awful car. - Well, welcome. - Thank you. - Cutie Cinderella to this episode of Chuckle Sandwich. - I'm freaking happy. - We are so happy to have you here today.

And Schlatt is just beaming this morning as well. Yeah, he got a new car. He got a new rental. You got him a bagel? I got him a bagel. He was so excited. I actually just guessed on whether the bagel was the one that he wanted. Because last time that I wanted a bagel, I got him a buttered bagel. I wasn't sure what it was. So I got Schlatt this morning a plain buttered bagel. That's how bagels should be.

You don't put pleasantries on nothing if you think that the base is good. You keep calling toppings or like additions pleasantries. Like you did this on the fear end as well when you were referring to toppings on pizza. Toppings on burgers, pizza, bagels. No pleasantries. No pleasantries because if the base is good enough, and you agree with me. You're like 58. You agree with me. If the base is good enough, you don't need any. I would just never call them pleasantries. You know, it's like.

It's like Vietnam era. Little temperaments on the bagel. You need to go to war.

That's something, yeah. That's actually a really good point. Which war? I think you'd need one war. Where? I just think. We'll have one at some point. We will. We will. And you think I should be out there? Could be based in the South. If I had to choose someone out of all of America. Who needs just a war under his belt? He needs a war under his belt. Yeah. Now, would I be fighting or would I be rallying the troops? Because I feel like I could rally pretty well.

I feel like if it was time for war, I would gladly convert my entire online persona into a war propagandist. Machine? If it means I didn't have to be the one out there. Yeah, Tucker is- So you don't even want to fight. Love you to death. Tucker's pulling up multiple Civil War era- I'd be dropping bombs with a fucking Xbox 360 controller. Dang. Like they do with how they control the drones? Yeah, I don't want to go out.

What do you think a rallying the troops looks like though? Are you just looking for sponsors? Man! He's looking for Go Army sponsors. That's what he's looking for. Those commercials are sick. I'd act in one of those. You would? Yeah. What would your thing be? I'd be the killer.

You'd be on the opposing side. What? If you've ever seen a Go Army commercial, though, it's never about killing, though. It's never about people dying. It's never about killing. It's about getting... Not in my Go Army commercial. It's about advertising to someone in rural Nebraska as best as they can, within the best of their ability, that... To give them purpose. No, they're mostly action movies. I mean...

So Tucker is a veteran. He was part of the Marine Corps. Tucker, how did they successfully... How'd they get you? How'd they get you? Well, the best ad, the OG ad was the guy slaying the dragon with the sword. It's totally unrelated to the Marine Corps. There was a... Yeah, it's from like the late 90s.

That's like known as the greatest. You're telling me that there was an ad ran by the government. Yeah, it's like a Dark Souls ad. It depicted a man fighting a dragon and they were like, this is what it's going to be like when you join the Marine Corps. Yeah, he like slays the dragon in the camera pans and he's in the dress blues.

That's sick. You need to pull that up right now. Yeah, that's really cool. You gotta pull that up right now because that sounds insane. I feel like Top Gun got more people to join than anything. Are you kidding me? Can you imagine if commercials were cool again and weren't afraid to take risks? Can you imagine a cigarette commercial, this guy? Camel. Here's one that's pretty similar for you. Oh, okay. This one isn't a dragon. Am I onto something? You're onto something. You are.

Fuck it. Oh, there's electric on the sword. This is an army commercial? This is a... I think... You're telling me that this is a Marine Corps commercial? Yeah, it's literally hosted by the Marine Corps. How close did this come out to like... Marine Corps, it's on the Marines YouTube channel. What's that movie with Heath Ledger? Uh, Batman. Where you get to see his butt. Night's Tale. Yeah, I wonder if this came out close to Night's Tale, because Night's Tale was a hit. Everyone's like, oh...

I've never seen Knight's Tale. This is wild. You can see Heath Ledger's butt. I do? Yeah, it's awesome. Okay, so he's getting knighted by his sword, in a lightning sword. Lightning sword, there's a child smiling. There's a hot lady. Oh. Okay, and then they hand him the sword and then he turns into a marine. And then, wow, okay.

No dragon in sight though, Tucker. This is the dragon one. Oh, there's a dragon one. Oh, full screen this. What the hell are you for real? That's not a dragon. That's a lava monster, dude. That's even more intense than... This came out before Lord of the Rings. Are you kidding me? What? Oh my god. Yeah, that's Gandalf. That is insane. He slays the lava monster. A puff of fire engulfs him and...

Clothes him in the Marines garb. Yeah, it's pretty accurate. And that's what got you. Yeah, well, that's how it works. That's how you get in. Yeah.

- Yeah, now they show lame shit, like army people rescuing citizens. - I feel like a lot of military commercials now are sort of in the same vein as car commercials, where they say a lot of nothing, but it sounds good, where it's like, "Go where no one has ever gone before. "Climb the highest mountains and show what you were "meant to be before who you knew you wanted to show."

That meant a lot to me, though. Yeah. I'm in. I'm ready to kill for my country. You specifically said you wouldn't and that you would rally people only. No, but me saying that should inspire the others. Oh, right, right, right. I would never take a life. So you would take, but you would take a... I've taken enough. You would take a sponsorship from like, I've taken enough? Yeah.

- I would take a sponsorship, yeah. - Yeah. - Where I-- - Make a commercial. - Yeah. - Or make a YouTube video. - And then you'd say, hey kids, Schlatt here. China's been invading Taiwan in the South China Sea and it's time for you to go fight China.

Today we're playing Roller Coaster Tycoon, but that's about me. You are going to China. Listen to this on the boat ride over. We need to secure our semiconductor production line. Please go and fight for Taiwan. That was too real. That might happen, Ted. Yeah, I know. Yeah. I just read a book about, it's called Feeding Dictators, and it's about the five- That was your book club book. Yeah. How'd you know? Because you told me. When? When?

Two days ago. On your podcast? Fear and. Fear and. Oh, yeah. Molding. I was like, I don't remember seeing you. Well, you had to leave the podcast. We sat right next to each other. I was the only one who was listening to your fucking tirade about Selena and Hailey Bieber. You know what's so dumb? Let's talk shit on Hassan. Okay. What's so dumb on Fear and is Hassan's always like, cutie, let's have woman hour. Come with some goss. And so I come with some goss. None of them listen to me. Is the point of women hour for them to just ignore me?

I remember that. I remember that whole, there's a, I was looking through the comments and someone was like, Ted is the only person in the whole room that is listening to QE. I'm the least misogynistic person on that podcast. And Hassan,

Let's be honest, he's a misogynist. I've said it. I was playing chopsticks with Will. Will didn't know how to play. Yeah, I taught him. I had to teach him. You taught him silently, which was interesting too. Yeah. Do you think he knows or do you think he's just good at improv? I think he had no idea what he was doing. Right, okay. I think he's at that age. He's a Groundlings graduate. I think he's good at improv. Right. Would you ever do SNL? I mean, yeah, if they asked. Really? Yeah.

You don't think you'd go on and everyone would be like, that's so cringe, Ted. You think that... Okay. Can we just walk through what you just asked me? Yeah. Are you asking me... You said improv and I thought of SNL. I know, but are you asking me that if SNL offered me a job on the cast of SNL... Uh-huh. We would call you crazy. It would be that you're expecting me to deny that one of the most famous...

longest running comedy shows, live comedy shows of all time, and it was being just handed to me. And I would have to say no to it because cringe. - Do you want to be cringe? - You would be cringe. - You'd be so cringe. - I feel like I could fix him.

SNL. Yeah. Or Pete Davidson. Which one? Both. Oh, spicy. Although I feel like he's going on like being fixed tour right now. What does that mean? As in like he keeps going, like he keeps dating new people and I think they all are like, I can fix him. Oh, right. Of course. Yeah. Isn't he dating everyone right now? Or is everyone dating him?

pete davidson we know he was with emily ratajkowski who's famously naked in the blurred lines music video um and she looks great uh but i think they're only together for like a minute and now i don't know who he's dating yeah wasn't he doing something before that though thanks kim kardashian yeah he did kim kardashian then before that he dated like

No, no, no. Not who he's dating. The Blurred Lines music video. Oh. Oh. We don't need to watch the Blurred Lines music video. We could. Well, you just get like a screenshot of it. Okay. Fine. But like no censor. Is that what you guys want? Yeah. Yeah. But you guys on YouTube, you guys can't see this unless you go watch it.

dang that's crazy apparently robin thick was like predatory to her yeah that's what i've heard too i've heard that the guy who made that song is like a piece of shit well it is a song about rape so yeah she's gorgeous though lines are blurred yeah you know how'd he get away with that he's famous is he i've never heard of this guy before this song and i don't think i've ever heard of him after

I think he was famous to like moms. To moms. Mom fame is... Yeah, that's a thing. Yeah. There is like a... Like Fabio. Oh, Fabio. Yeah, see, everyone forgot about him, but he's still on the cover of... I didn't know my mom was reading porn until... I thought Fabio was just like...

you know, just on every book cover. And then I picked up one of those books and they talk about like his quivering member. And I was like, mother. Yeah. Wait, that means cock, right? Yeah. A quivering cock. So I don't know what it is about the word member when used to describe cock, but that just makes it sound inherently small.

- Oh really? - Member? - Yeah. - No, no, no. Member's a strong word. - No, member. - Is quivering member? It sounds like this. - Quivering is a man. - It sounds like this. - It's scared and it's shaking. - When I hear quivering member, I'm hearing like-- - No, quivering is supposed to be sexy. It's like throbbing. - I'm hearing like this, quivering member. - See. - What about throbbing member? - Throbbing member? - Okay, throbbing member's like-- - Huge cock. - No, no, no, Ted. - Describe a big penis. - Throbbing member is a huge cock in my face.

Cock is like, that's cock. You can't say that, though. You can't say cock? No, it's all about like...

- Keeping this illusion. - Shaft. - I've seen shaft and-- - Quivering shaft. - So when women read porn, they don't like cock? - No. - They don't like-- - You never see like pussy or balls. You see like weird words. - What do they use for everything? Can you give us a little rundown? - You know who would be a pro at this? Would be Brooke AB. I wonder if she'll answer me real quick. She loves reading porn.

She's really good at it. She might know. One second. No, this is public knowledge. She loves it. She wants to be known for it, actually. I just think that member feels like a small thing. No, member is huge. Member is a big word. Strong word. It's like the name Lance. What?

Lance Nutthrust, is that where you're going with that? Is that a person? It's a person he made up. I didn't make him up. If Brooke doesn't answer, I'm never talking to her ever again. Whoa.

Go to your happy place for a happy price. Go to your happy price, Priceline.

I'm gonna kill myself. Let's talk about the inequalities I've seen while commuting in New York City for years and years and years I've seen so many women reading shit like Fifty Shades of Grey and all these books that are clearly they're reading about there there's fucking going on within those pages yeah but I just have a magazine with huge tits on on the subway and I get in trouble for that

- Can I just say something? - What? - You know what I've noticed this week? We've probably had the most like, sort of gen, like especially with Austin in this episode, we've spoken more about like generally taboo subjects than we ever have in Chuckle Weeks. - Why? - I would posit that this is Fuckle Week. - Fun, does that make, wait, so we're in a fuckle sandwich? So if I'm not the meat, what am I now? The member?

You guys are the balls. We're the two members. You're the balls. No. Wait, then what am I? The pubes? Yeah. I don't want to be the pubes. You offered it up. Aw. You did offer that up. I regretted it immediately. And Tucker over there is...

Don't shake your head like you're not gonna get identified. You can be the belly button. Yeah, you wanna be the belly button? I like that. He's the gooch. Oh, never mind, you're the gooch. He's the gooch. Or maybe the taint. Or maybe the grundle. One and the same. Ooh, grundle. Grundle. I like grundle. Yeah, I can live with that. I think that whole area should be referred to as the uncanny valley. Do you know that sometimes when you give birth, your vagina rips all the way from your vagina to your butthole? I have heard that, yeah. Yeah, I think about that. Because then you don't really have a taint. Sheath. What?

That's a word that should be used in porn. Yeah, I think it is used in porn. Like when you put your dick away, you sheath it? No. Or unsheath your cock? No, like a... Unsheath your... Oh, she texted me. Oh, okay. Yeah, no, I'm getting where you're going here. I'm getting where you're going here.

This is going to have to be heavily censored. Oh, yeah. Incredible. I don't even know how far into the 25 minutes. Okay. 25 minutes in. Talking about dicking balls and cocks and shoes. Oh, really? Didn't you build your whole... Oh, this is important. You built your whole brand on... She texted me. I was on Do Not Disturb. That's why when she called me back, I went to... Hi. Hello. Hi. I'm here with Schlatt and Ted. Hey. Hi, Ted. Hey. And I was talking about how much you love reading porn.

I love it. It was contextual. It wasn't, she loves it. But I was talking about how sometimes in books they call penises like members.

Oh, yeah, or their rod. Rod? Rod? So, Brooke, my perception of when it uses member, like in the context that Q uses, she said quivering member. And I was like, that sounds like a little tiny little thing moving. Like it doesn't sound like a big thing. It sounds like a little guy squirming around. Yeah, member. I would say like sometimes they'll do like,

I feel so bad. There's someone from 100 Thieves driving me to a podcast right now. Sometimes I've read before Throbbing Rod and I was like, wow, that's like really upping the ante. Can you think of other nicknames? I know there's like... Like...

Oh, shoot. What was it? What was it? They get so creative, but I can't think of any. I know. The ones for vaginas are much more creative. What are those like? Because I'm at a loss for... Like the flower. The lotus flower. Or your petals. The petals. Yeah. They get crazy. The Majora. It really...

Gets you out of the mood. I'm not gonna lie. They yeah, they get too creative a little too creative Like sometimes you just gotta say what it is, you know, yeah, yeah, but they never do. Yeah All right, well that's that's I needed that's what I needed I need to see if you can do any secret if anything comes to mind All I could think of was member, but I know there's a good one. Oh, they do say shaft. Oh, yeah All right, thank you Okay, bye

She loves porn. That's a new thing I learned about her. It's called, what's it called? Snuff? Snuff? No. Smut. Smut. I'm dyslexic. That's a whole nother category where they kill you. Erotic snuff film. When was the first time you saw porn? Middle school. What happened? I looked it up, I think. What'd you Google? I think I looked up.

Boobs. Yeah. Mine was definitely a similar thing where it was just like boobs. Did you clear your history search? No, I didn't have a...

or an iPod or anything, I had a 3DS. You looked it up on your 3DS? You looked up porn, your first porn, on a Nintendo 3DS? Yes, it was on a Nintendo 3DS. No, it might have been a DSi. It was probably the Nintendo DSi. I was going to say, if it was on a 3DS, that must have been an immersive experience. That would have been a fucking sick experience. Start a screenshot drawing on it. Whoa! You're like, what? No.

Yeah, that would have screwed you up. Yeah. Those things. Did you ever get caught? No. Damn. No. You wish you got caught? I wish you got caught for that shit. You ever been caught jerking off, Ted? No. No. Oh, you want to hear the most embarrassing thing that I got caught doing? Yeah. Oh, God. Okay, so I was raised Mormon. So you have to be really secretive about your shit. So you guys have heard about soaking, right? Oh, yes, we've heard about soaking. Have you heard about ATMing?

Well, now, this is great because actually we have not talked about ATV. We have talked about soaking on this podcast. A lot of people, I would like to say, stop appropriating my culture. A lot of people talk about soaking and they know nothing about it. Okay. Well, maybe we, yeah. Honestly, maybe we have not known a thing. Crash course. Actually, a lot of people don't soak. It's more of a myth. Maybe we just splash into this crash course on soaking. Yeah. They call it float in the Provo.

Okay, interesting. Because there's a Provo River that you can actually float on tubes. Right. They call it, you float the Provo if you're soaking as a, what are you doing this Sunday, floating the Provo or floating the Provo, you know? Actually, on Sunday you're going to church. This is when you just insert the cock into the Vaguno and then you just sit there, right? If you don't move, it doesn't count. What? If you don't move, it doesn't count. Yeah, sex is the motion of member in flower.

Yeah. Of rod in... Throbbing rod in... No, no throbbing. Oh, sorry. Yeah, it can't throb. I remember when we talked about soaking on the last podcast and there was thousands, not thousands, but there was angry Mormons who were saying, ah, people say that we do soaking and that's like...

Yeah, it's like... I knew one kid in high school that him and his girlfriend soaked. So it's very rare. Well, do people... I said one in 20 Mormons. It's probably one in a thousand. I feel like there must be more, though, because...

because of how sexually repressed women are, wouldn't that be something where it's like, oh, we're going to soak and then not tell anyone about it? It's not like, well, once they're comfortable soaking, they're comfortable telling everyone they did the soaking. Yeah, I mean, there's definitely a few. Don't you need a third person to soak with? Now, that's a piece of information I was not aware of. No? Where did you get that from? Oh, because people talk about the whole bunk bed thing.

Yeah, you're at the top of the bunk bed soaking. That's not real. You're soaking at the top and then you get a third person to kick the bunk bed. Yeah. That's not real. To create the, that's not real. No. That is, that sounds like fiction. Yeah. That would be too, that would be crazy. But there is, there's a lot, I mean, a lot of people resort to anal. I know a few, you know, God can't see the back door. But if you don't want to be that crazy, you'll do ATMing where you just, you take the dick and you slide it between the butt cheeks until you coom. And that's not sex.

but it's like an ATM card. It's cool. - Why not? - And God forgives you for that one. - Okay, so you can slide the card, but you can't insert the chip. - Yeah, you can't insert the chip. - Okay. - Absolutely not. - So can you do the tap to pay? - Probably some guys only can do the tap. - For Mormons are like stuff like, I don't know, is a hand job allowed? - No. - Oh. - Oh my God. - What is happening?

How dare you? I'm sorry. Are you still Mormon? No. You say, how dare I? I have left the church. They said the gays were bad and I was like, uh-oh. That's where I draw the line. Racism? Gays? So you grew up... Wait. Racism? No, clip that. So you grew up Mormon. Yes. Was it... It doesn't seem like it was super...

It wasn't great. But I did learn a cool song. Have you ever heard of popcorn popping on the apricot tree?

- No. ♪ I looked out the window and what did I see ♪ ♪ Popcorn popping on the apricot tree ♪ ♪ Spring has brought me such a nice surprise ♪ ♪ Popcorn popping right before my eyes ♪ ♪ I could take a handful and make a treat ♪ ♪ A popcorn ball that would smell so sweet ♪ ♪ It wasn't really so but it seemed to be together ♪ ♪ Popcorn popping on the apricot tree ♪ - Yeah, I know that song. - I don't know why it's a Mormon song.

So what is that about? The popcorn? Yeah. Is it about soaking? Yeah. You teach the kids songs about it. Yeah. But so. John, Hopton, Mary, soak, soak, soak. We got together for an ATM swipe.

It needs work. Okay. Yeah, no, you're right. It does need a little bit of work shopping. Is Jesus a thing in the Mormon church? Yes. You have God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost. And he buried a bunch of gold tablets.

Well, that was technically Moroni, I believe. Jesus came to America. Moroni came to Joseph Smith and said, hey, there are some tablets. You need to go find them. Joseph Smith went and found them, translated them because he's amazing. And he just knew other secret languages. Wow. Yeah. What was the language? This white boy in Missouri. What were the languages written in? I think it was in Hebrew. I could be incorrect. It's been many years and I have bad memory. He transliterated it. But he did translate it. Joseph Smith.

He's very talented. It's crazy that you can just add another guy. Yeah. Yeah. Just toss someone else into the story. 2,000 years later. I mean, surely people lived after Jesus that had something cool going on, right? But this is like 1,800 years after. When was Joseph Smith alive? You might have to Google that. Joseph Smith. This dude did not live at any time close to Jesus.

- At all? - No, he didn't. And he was in Missouri. - Wow. That's a very... - He's handsome. - 1805! - Yeah. - This is 1800 years after Jesus. - 1805. I didn't know that was... - And he found him in Missouri? - Yeah. - At the age of 24, Smith published the Book of Mormon. And by the time of his death, 14 years later, he died at 38. - That could be you. Stop getting people to join the army and instead do this. - He attracted tens of thousands of followers. - Start a religion. - Fuck this dude. What?

Dear listener, what have you done at the age of 24? So you want to hear something funny? Yeah. This is probably the closest thing that I could probably get at 1805.

to Ted Nivison writing The Incorrect History of Pizza. And like just taking religion and just adding more to the story. He was assassinated. He was assassinated? It's a very sad story. Who would have killed him? Who would have killed him? The angry, the people that didn't believe in the church. They called them the angry? The angry, yeah, no, the non-believers killed him. We call those Protestants where I'm from.

Yeah, they shot him. They shot him. Wow. Yeah, they might have. He got tarred and feathered at one point. I don't remember everything. I went through a period where I was really sort of interested in how freaking weird the Mormon church is. Oh, I can answer anything. To me. And, you know, I grew up in, you know, in my town. There were some people I was friends with. They're part of the Mormon church. And then they went on their...

Their journey. Their missions. Their missions and they're still very much so. Excuse you. Mormon and they're very nice people. I just think they're very nice people. They're very nice people. I would like to keep that very clear. Even if we think some of the things you believe are a little cool, you're still nice. Yeah. It pisses me off though. You know there's porn dedicated to like Mormon missionaries. God, that's.

- Like Mormon missionaries coming in. - Yeah, 'cause they're on their mission and they're just like, you can't have sex, you can't talk to women, you can't hug women. - Oh, and so the seduction is like-- - You can't talk to anyone? - You can talk to women about the church. - Oh, okay. - But you can't-- - I was like, how they? - You can write, well, they've changed it now. I believe you can have a phone now, but.

Back when I was a member, you could only, a throbbing member, you could only write letters. And so that's where the term Dear John comes from. Well, no, Dear John comes from like, I think the army and stuff like that. But yeah, people would get Dear John on their mission because somebody else came home from their mission and their girlfriend married a new return missionary. Yeah, it was trauma.

My brother got deer jawed. It was really sad. - When Tucker was at bootcamp for the Marines in 2016, I sent him a couple letters 'cause that's the only, I think,

that I think about it all, but isn't that true? It's like the only- - I think it's the only one that's all letters. - Yeah, it's like the other ones like in the Army, it's like you can have your phone. - Damn. - But for some reason the Marines are like, yeah, you're gonna, like the letters I would get from them were on like these little tiny like fucking like three inch by like five inch pieces of paper. Like I don't even know what sort of notebook like,

It was like from a notebook from like 1832 that he was writing these on. And it took me a little while to translate them too because Tucker's handwriting is fucking shit. - I can't imagine Tucker writing a letter. - I've written a lot of letters. - Licking an envelope and putting a stamp on it.

I used to write my wife letters when we were long distance for like her birthday and stuff. That's romantic. That is romantic. That is romantic. Did you have your little like sword in there? Were you doing flips with the gun? Well, he wasn't an officer. He didn't get a sword. No. You get a sword? Well, I rate one. I just never, you had to buy it yourself. Oh. But I could have a sword. It's like 600 bucks or something, isn't it? Yeah, it is like 600 bucks. Don't they make you buy all your shit in the army too? Like if you want a red dot sight on your gun?

You have to, like the good ones. You have to choose your attachments. And then redeem it. You don't? It's not Call of Duty, man. You can't put some cool shit on your gun in the army? No. That's so lame. You could probably put like a sticker on it.

No, you can't. Well, someone's going to take it off. You can't put one of those key chains with like a hot mug on it. A charm. I have one on Overwatch. So you're telling me that there's no like Call of Duty store that you can go and you can buy Marine coins and use that to buy like the Santa Tracer pack? There kind of are Marine coins. They're challenge coins. So if like someone really likes you, they'll give you one. It's kind of like a little club. What do you get with it?

- Like a beer. But it's like a little, like if you go to a bar and someone else has one and you have like the cooler coin, they owe you a beer. It's like this weird little club thing. - Cool. - I thought you were gonna get-- - There was nothing cool about Tucker Steinman and the Marie's, trust me. I visited him once because he worked at 29 Palms in the desert and there's a shit lake on the base so I was driving in a lake-- - Full of poo.

- Yeah. - Yeah. - As the name implies. - Well, I didn't know if that was its name. - Oh, like it was just like, oh, this is not a good lake. - It was born called Shit Lake. - I'm pretty sure it was-- - And you wanted me to assume that it was full of shit, that's rude. - I apologize. The lake was full of feces. And the most depressing Taco Bell I've ever seen in my entire life. Like,

Imagine a Taco Bell from the 90s. Then start stripping down the paint from the walls. Remove the seats from the inside. Make it look like an abandoned Chuck E. Cheese. Give me some more descriptors here. You're doing a great job. It was like a combination Pizza Hut on the other side, but that is gone now. Oh, those were the best. There was a thing called the E-Club, and I don't even know what that is. And...

They have like four items available where it's like they don't got any Doritos Locos Tacos. They don't have Crunchwrap Supreme. It's like Baja Blast.

- No, probably, unless the machine's probably broken. And it's like, you can get a soft taco with maybe chicken-- - Shitty ass churro bites. - Yeah, with chicken, cheese, they're out of tomatoes. - Those are great. - Yeah, no, it was scary to be in that place. - This sounds miserable. - They don't, you can't trade the challenge coins in for a weapon blueprint, and it's called the Ravager. - If you pay the subscription,

- Okay, the battle pass. - Yeah, I never bought the battle pass. - The subscription is an eight year enlistment contract is what that is. - That's sad. - There's no, like they don't drop you out of a plane in different locations and then you all convert. - You tell your friends where you're landing.

- No, you can't. - That sucks. - Not as fun as they make it. - Yeah, no, but he got to shoot a lot of missiles and stuff. - Did he kill anybody? - No, the bummer. - No, that's good. You might have really gnarly PTSD if you did. Congrats on your bad aim. - So what sort of, so similar to the Marines, what sort of, what was the shit like of Mormonism is sort of what I was gonna ask about. - Oh, that's how we got here? - Yeah. - Well, 'cause you were like, the letters. - I mean, there's, it's,

It's quite a bit. I think, oh, I didn't even say what my embarrassing thing was when I was a Mormon. Oh, yeah. Go for it. So I didn't kiss a boy until I was 16 because you can't date until you're 16. At least, again, I was a Mormon about 10 years ago. So things have changed. They've gotten more hooke.

They're less racist now. Is that true? It's huge. Or did they just say that? No, they have these patches every once in a while that they drop. Let's say I'm not racist. Yeah. A hot face. Yeah, so they dropped a patch not that long ago where they decided that...

So the patch they dropped that made me leave was when they said that kids of gay couples couldn't get baptized. And I was like, all right, this is, we got to, we got to send the letter of resignation now. That's ridiculous. And so, but they have random patches every once in a while. Like they lowered the age of when you can go on your mission so they can get younger guys, people to go on their mission because they noticed that people are getting distracted and going to college and making friends that it was harder to get.

yoink them yeah people were people were growing up and learning they had google and they're like oh can't have google the internet must have really been fucking it has ruined the religion overall i think because people can just get answers yeah because what happens in the mormon church is if you don't get something like you're like wait why was joseph smith chosen they're like have faith you're like well isn't that how i'm the problem for guessing isn't that how like uh the original like hmm

- Isn't that how like most religions are? - Most religions are. If you have a question, then it's like, well, you're doubting God and that's on you. - Oh, Jesus was real though.

He is the son of God. I don't know what anybody else has to say about it, but there's we can look that up Well, no, we were just doing a whole thing. We were talking about what Joseph Smith had to say about it Oh, yeah, I know what anyone else had that's just a dude. You know yeah, it's just through and through well She was the bees considered to be a prophet no right yeah, he's a prophet. Oh, they're magic underpants Yes, what those are called garments?

so mormons once you isn't that what normal underpants are called no once you get your endowments through the temple you have to um endowment is a good one yeah yep there you go um once you get your down oh looks like a this is wrong word once you go through the temple you get underwear this looks like something that like people who are like into like dressing up like big babies

Yeah, they were like that. So you have to keep them under your clothes and they can never show. So that's what keeps you modest as well. So then you can never have a shirt that goes lower than that or shorts that go higher than that. Wow.

And you have to wear this for the rest of time? Yes. Once you go through the temple? Yes. How old are you when you usually get these? It depends. Usually people go through the temple right before they get married or before they go on their mission. So anytime after 18. But you can get your temple recommend at 12. So when I was 12, I sat in an office with my bishop and my bishop asked me if I had done anything sexually. And that felt very appropriate alone with a 40-year-old man for him to ask anything.

12 year old me. Um, and I was like, yes, it was awesome. I'm just kidding. You had to say, no, I had to, I said, no, obviously I didn't, I hadn't done anything sexually. That's like, well, that's like,

- Weird. - Yes, but then once you're 12 and you get your temple recommended, you can start doing baptisms for the dead, where you go to the temple and you baptize on behalf of dead people. - Like who? - Like anyone. There's big controversy because-- - Like famous people that didn't ask to be baptized? - Yes. - That's hilarious. - There's big controversy because the Mormon church at one point got access to people who have died during the Holocaust.

And we're doing baptisms on their behalf. Oh, wait. So they're taking the physical bodies and baptizing them? No. Just their names. So what will happen is you go stand in the baptismal font and they'll say, you're baptizing on behalf of Mary Smith, Bill Bob, blah, blah, blah. And they'll give you like five names. Dunk. Bloop. And then next person. So you're baptizing people who died in the Holocaust. Yeah. That is fucking insane. It was. There was drama. Drama.

- I can see how it would cause some drama. - Yeah. - Right. - Yeah. - And so if I see any Mormon ever. - They're wearing them underneath their clothes. - They've got tiny little. - Yeah, and there's symbols on the nipples that you have to cut out and burn. - I suppose I did notice that for when I was in high school that like most, most

I'm a guy so I know this was in high school but most girls had like the short shorts and then the warmer girls had like ones that would they cut off right at the top of the knee yeah so even if they weren't wearing that underwear you're still supposed to abide by that rule interesting do you get one pair no no you can buy multiple pairs oh you can buy them you have to go yeah you have to go to the distribution center you have to go right you get them it's like the army yeah they're ACOG sites and shit yeah I

I'm pissed. I'm pissed that you can't. I'm sorry. I'm pissed that you can't buy a fucking. You want me to bring it up? Like a hollow site. Yeah, we need to submit a complaint. You should be able to get a Trijicon. The Trijicon's standard issue. Oh, it's standard? Yeah, everything has that now. What about one of the laser sites with the little pack 15? Isn't that what you lied to Moses about me buying you? Yeah. What is that? It's a scope. Oh. Trijicon. Trijicon. That's a brand name. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Hollow Sun. Do I get a Hollow Sun? No, those are made in China. You can't have anything made in China. Crap. You also can't drink coffee.

You can't watch R-rated movies. I knew about the coffee thing, actually. You can't swear. You can't drink alcohol. No alcohol. No weed. Wait, but why? No hand jobs. No hand jobs? So there's this thing called the Word of Wisdom. I believe it was Gordon B. Hinckley. Sounds like a PBS show. I could be wrong. Essentially, they have a... They're not Gordon B. Hinckley. He's dead. They have a Word of Wisdom, which is a bunch of things that you need to abide by, and one of those things was no hot beverages. Yeah.

- They burned Joseph once. - Something like that where they, something. And so then people said no coffee and then some people said that meant no caffeine, but Mormons suck down soda pop like nobody's business. - Right, that's a famous thing in Utah is there soda parlors. - If you go to Utah, there is soda parlors every corner. - Wow, that's crazy. - Soda and cookies. And the sodas-- - You been to one, Tucker? - Yeah, Tibbets took me there in St. George.

Soda pop everywhere. And it's like, it's like, yeah. So like one of my favorite one, it's a dirty diet Coke. It's diet Coke and you put in coconut syrup and then lime. It's so yummy. But you can get ones that are like Mountain Dew with raspberry puree, whipped cream and like strawberries on top. Dude, Tucker's looking at you right now. He's like, what?

It is true. I just saw Doug and he was like, he was like listening so intently to you. Like he was like, oh my God. Yeah, they'll mix it, like not whipping cream on top, like literally whipping whipped cream and mix it in. That's funny that like they've gotten so good at that because it really goes to show that's like a consistent thing across the board when you give like restrictions to like any sort of

- Situation, people get really, really creative with what they've got. - Yeah. - I think it's nice. - The human spirit. - Yeah. - It's unbeatable. - At least they're not getting wasted. - Mormonism is hope core. - They're getting hyper. - So they, basically what you've got in Utah, if I were to drive down the street, is I'm gonna see like 100 soda parlors, I'm gonna see anti-coffee shop,

where it's like no coffee. - These like spaceship looking buildings that point into the sky. - Well there's also like very, so I'm not from Utah, I'm from Washington, but I have lots of family in Utah, so I've been there many times. - It seems like it's a very West Coast, like a lot of people on the West Coast are Mormon.

More so than. Well, that's because the Mormons, they got to Utah. They said, this is the place. And then that's where they kind of. This is the place. Literally, there's a park called this is the place state park. Wait, so they actually did say. Yeah, they said this is the place. And it's this is the place take part. You go there. You can learn how to turn butter.

Wow. Yeah, there you go. Whoa, you got a fucking, what is that called? Mormon spread in the US is like a fucking coronavirus map. Oh my God. I was going to say, he's got a fucking heat map of the Mormons. Oh my goodness. If any Mormon would like to baptize me, just in case it's real. Well, you can't collect them like Pokemon cards. Like you got to trade it out. In case it's real.

I mean, you would only get... There's a celestial, telestial, and telestial kingdom. Those don't sound like real words. There's different kingdoms when you die in the Mormon church. Which is the coolest one? Well, the celestial. Oh. Is there a mushroom kingdom? I'm sorry.

So you wouldn't get to the celestial kingdom because you're not married within the temple. Yeah, wait. And you don't abide by any of the rules. You're actually a bit of a sinner. What are the three? What are the three again? Celestial, telestial, telestial. I'm dyslexic, so I always get really fucked up. Celestial, telestial, terrestrial. Wait. Terrestrial. Thank you. Celestial, terrestrial, telestial. Celestial. And these are the... There you go. Terrestrial, telestial. Okay.

Oh, okay. And these are like three different types of... It's a hierarchy, yeah. Kingdom. Is there hell, though? If you were the best, you'd go to the celestial. There...

- I believe there's hell. - There's gotta be hell in Mormonism. - The issue, I genuinely, there's gonna be some Mormons in, they exist out there. They're gonna be in the comments. She doesn't know that much. I have blocked out a lot of that in my life. - If there are Mormons who are listening, who are like devout Mormons who are listening to Chuckle Sandwich, that like-- - They're not that devout if they're listening to Chuckle Sandwich. - Well, seriously, their existence is almost an impossibility. It has to be because-- - Just in case.

But if there are, come on down to Austin, Texas because Schlatt's looking to make sure that he's got it right one way or another. That's huge for any missionary. To get a free baptism under their belt. I have found that

There was a period of time where I was very interested in learning about like all the shit that went on in the mormons So I followed the subreddit called ex mormon. Oh my god, you know, what's funny is I had uh, and so i'll see posts sometimes on there I had an ex-boyfriend who he we had the very very similar upbringing He was ex-mormon and so it was like something that we really bonded over and he Loved that subreddit and he would tell me things like I should join that subreddit. There's so much drama. It's so great Yeah, there's like a whole thing where it's like they

You got to pay a subscription to the Mormon church, don't you? You're tithing. You have to pay your tithing. It's 10%. So even when I was eight years old. Yeah, 10% of your income. Holy shit. Yeah. I was eight years old. I was babysitting and I'd have to pay 10%. 10%. I moved from New York because of 15%. So are you willing, if you're trying to get it right one way or another, if we get a Mormon down here, baptize you, do you think you're going to be paying that? There's got to be some loopholes though, right?

- 10%. - Is it really like-- - Mormons don't pay like accountants and are like, "Yeah, but you can find some ways, right?" - Like 10% of your income. - Yeah, it's massive. - That's insane. That's so much money of mine. - That's like such a big ask. - That's such an insane amount of money. - And there's fast Sunday once a month where you can't eat from morning until dinner. - Well, that's, I mean, there's a lot of religions going on. - Yeah. But then they also-- - Every Sunday?

Every, no, one Sunday a month. Oh, okay. And then everyone goes up and they bear their testimony. I like to bear my testimony on all this stuff is true. I love Jesus. I love Joseph Smith. I love my family. Oh, you got to say you love Jesus and you love Joseph Smith. You got to love them all, baby. So they've sort of risen Joseph Smith to the same level of Jesus. I don't know who the prophet is right now anymore. Huh? Is like Joseph Smith the same level as Jesus? No, no. Or like kind of similar? He's like a big deal, but he's not the same level. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's like...

- He is like Beyonce, but he's not Jesus, you know? - Okay. - I could get behind everything you just said except the 10% part, that's insane. - Yeah, I'm not surprised. - You can wear the underwear? - You wear the underwear? - I would wear garments every day of my life, but the second you're like, you need to give me 10%, no, hell no. I moved to Texas just for state income tax purposes.

So I was Mormon and wanted to kiss a boy. And so I'm 16. I have a boyfriend. We smooch after three months of dating. So you have to wait. You can't be crazy. Three months of dating. We finally smooch. You know, we date for a while. Anyway, it's time for him to fill my boobs. Crazy. But I don't want God to know. So I get band-aids. I put them over my nipples because if he doesn't touch my nipples, it doesn't count. Yeah, the areola is the window of the soul. Of course.

And so, and sometimes I'd make it special and I'd get a ribbon and I'd tie a bow so he could touch my boobs and my nipples because it doesn't count. And then one time. You wrapped your boobs up like a present. I did.

One time 16 year old Blair's in the basement making out with her boyfriend And you know what derfing is like dry humping. This is a I mean called derfing That's a ridiculous thing to be calling dry humping. It's almost less embarrassing to call it dry humping Like that's that's the that's probably Can I say one thing what? I would say that

Mormons are the impetus of millennial humor. Is that true? Impetus. What's that mean? Source. What? The source. Impetus. Millennials make fun of Mormons? No. You know millennial humor? Where it's like derp. Ooh. Derp was like, that sounds like an iCarly term.

Oh, you're saying like silly XD, quirky. Yeah, I feel like that also feels very like Mormon to me. Yeah, that makes sense. It's like how Carly used to say, like call people, oh, you're such a nub. Yeah. Derf. Yeah. Derf? Yeah. Derfing is not for Mormons. That just happened. Derfing is on Uber dictionary. Uber. Urban. Urban Outfitters dictionary. This just in, guys. Uber just bought Urban Dictionary. Yeah, that's not a Mormon thing. That's like...

- I knew it, I knew it. - Wait, what? - Imaginary number between five and six. - That's just a four upside down. - She's given, isn't she given some twerp tutoring lessons and she invents another number called derf. - This is just like, this is just like. - You're crazy. - I'm not crazy, this is an episode. - I know, how did you know that? - Because I know every single episode of iCarly inside and out. - That is crazy. - Well, you know what this reminds me of? This reminds me of that book "Friendle".

Frindle. Where a kid invents the word frindle, which is meant to just mean pen. And then the whole story is about how everyone starts using it. Oh my God, I forgot about that. That just was a brain blast. Holy shit. I'm only thinking of this right now because I looked it up on the dictionary.com the other day and they don't have it as an actual word. That's fucked.

Which is like... That kid did nothing. I know, right? Wow. So you were derping? So, yeah, except for we weren't like front derping. Such a lame phrase. He was laying on the ground and for some reason I was on top of him so he could touch my boobs. So I was like...

I was like butt derping. - Okay. - I was rubbing my butt on his penis, on his member. - Oh, okay. - You could say. - On his squirming member. - Yeah. And he had lifted my shirt up and my boobs are covered in band-aids and he's reaching, he's doing the reach around. - More than one, it's just band-aids all over. - Yeah, seriously, it's a lot of band-aids. I'm not kidding. And he's reaching around. My stepdad walks downstairs. - Oh no! - I would have rather been doing anal, I swear to God. And my stepdad sees that.

And I think about it to this day. Yeah. How did he react? Did he like... He said, oh, and went back upstairs. Oh. We never talked about it. I'm just waiting for him to die. I hope. Yeah. And then it's like, it's like he's on his deathbed and then it's like all the family is called around him and then he's like, give me the microphone. And there's like a speaker there and he's like, plan, turf, tawny, chonda boy, and there was band-aids. Ugh.

He dies and then you never escape it. Although you are. I am telling it on a podcast. Well, yeah. See, this is an interesting sort of strategy here. It's weird if he tells people. Yeah, because you're talking about how he saw it and then you're hoping until he dies. No one talks about it. So no one talks about it. So the information is lost forever. But now you are actively saying this to X amount of people.

- Well. - An indefinite amount of people. - There's a few Mormon kids in the comments right now that they're like, oh my God, I always do band-aids on my nipples. And guys, God sees it, so stop. - Roasted. - Joseph sees it too. Joseph. - Joseph is-- - He's watching. - Dead and buried with his baby wives. - Baby wives. - What do you think is a positive thing? So the Mormons don't feel so bad. - Oh, they are so kind.

Mormons are very kind. Well, yeah, but that's just because they're evil on the inside, just like you are. Mormons, okay, there's a difference between Utah Mormons and other Mormons.

Utah Mormons are crazy. Utah Mormons are crackins a lot of the time. Crackins? They're very judgmental. They're very like you're never going to be good enough. The religion is very insidious. Even if you are very Mormon, you, I know it. I'm looking at you commenters. You have felt in your life not good enough because you get compared to in the Mormon church like a motherfucker. At one point you couldn't wear flip flops. Like Gordon B. Hinckley was like no flip flops to church anymore. Oh wait, so you guys have like a commandant.

- Yeah, yeah, we have a prophet. - I just think it's really funny that the connections that I'm currently making throughout this podcast from the Mormon church to the Marine Corps here, because you've got a guy at the top that can just randomly decide at any point, oh hey, we're not doing this anymore, or hey, we're doing it. Like recently, the commander of the Marine Corps was like, we don't have tanks anymore. - Yeah, there's a lot of Mormons in the military. - Yeah. - Like a lot. - I believe it. Well, 'cause Mormons are perfect at following rules. - Right.

That's what Mormons make great salespeople. They have, you know, they're friendly. They just spent two years on their mission knocking on doors. Right. Overall, though, I mean, Mormons are very kind usually unless they are judgmental. You know, my family's Mormon. I love them. They're great. Very Republican usually, but they're great. Right. Yeah. No abortions when you're Mormon. Frowned upon. Wow. You know what this reminds me of?

Scott cut it out. Sorry guys. We're back Ted just showed his balls. Yeah, sorry I showed my balls and my quivering member and my and my flower Don't pretend you have a flower you don't have a flower how dare you I'm a beautiful little flower How dare you how dare you to lie? Oh Arsenal

Bulge they do say wait. They whoa this is from Brooke Stop everything guys we got that we got it we got a do refer to him as as loins bulge both girth manhood flesh I don't like hard flesh. I don't like flesh. I don't like loins rod

You don't like Rod? No, I like manhood and I like member. I think those are two extremely strong lines. I like it how manhood is an interesting one because it just applies all identity to being a man to the cock, which is just like, there's his manhood right there. And it wasn't big enough. It wasn't big enough. His unimpressive manhood. Yeah, exactly. What was the, there was a TikTok sound that was really going around.

I think it was either from a Prince Harry book that he was narrating. I don't know if this was real. I have no idea. - I think I remember how it went. It went like-- - My cock was oscillating between extremely sensitive or something. - I know exactly what you're talking about actually. It was an audio clip from that British guy who doesn't like his grandma and is dating a Canadian. - Prince Harry. - Yeah, Prince Harry. - Prince Harry.

Yeah, I guess. Whatever, guys. And he was doing an audiobook and he was talking about British sex. Yeah, my penis was oscillating. Why is he talking about sex in a book? I don't know. Was that in the book? It could have just been some British guy. It could have just been some British guy. Prince Harry smut. And then put it on images. But Prince Harry smut in new book.

Prince Harry's spot. Now, you see, you're not going to... Search Prince Harry, my penis was oscillating. Yeah, my penis was oscillating. This is the most inappropriate episode we've ever filmed. Is this my fault? No, it's not your fault, actually. I think... Wait. Is this what you're talking about? Maybe. I think I can do sound on here so you guys can hear. Yeah. My penis was oscillating between extremely sensitive and borderline traumatized. The last place I wanted to be was Frostnickers Town.

I've been trying some home remedies, including one recommended by a friend. It's hard to pay attention with this, like, who is this guy? He's a react streamer. Give him his thing. We're currently reacting. What's wrong with this guy? He sounded like he was running a freaking carnival in 1862. Now you're just racist. What? Against carnivals. Why is that? Because you were mad at him. What's race related about carnivals? I don't know.

I hate that. Is there a race thing? I hate that line. My penis, my penis. It's just so weak. I was like, oh. I saw you freeze up. You're like, uh. I don't know. Is there a race thing with that line? Such a weak line. My penis was oscillating. Well, what does oscillating even mean? My manhood was throbbing. Does that mean just like going back and like vibrating? I don't know. He said it was oscillating between sensitive and not sensitive. Okay. So that means it's like turning, like oscillating.

Like a fan oscillates when it goes from room to room. Why would you say that? Why would you say that in your book? My penis was also in between sensitive and unsensitive. Okay, welcome to the club, dude. That's how penises work, right? He didn't know. The queen didn't talk to him about it. Yeah. Why did the queen need to talk to him about it? Like, okay, here comes grandma. She's going to fill you in on how the... Oh, right, because his mom died. Yeah. Yeah. And his dad was too busy sleeping with Camila Cabello or whatever.

I'm surprised you don't know. It doesn't seem like you're as into the sort of royal drama stuff. Oh, I watched The Crown. Oh, you watched The Crown. Yeah. I stan Princess Margaret who died alone and sad even though all she ever wanted in her life was love. Fuck. It's actually really sad. It does sound sad. She fell in love with someone and then the queen was like, no, you can't marry him because he is divorced. Oh. And that would look bad on the royal family.

Meanwhile, the whole time Prince what's-his-fuck, who's the king now, Charles or whatever, is sleeping around and cheating on Diana. And Diana's like, what the heck? She wanted to be Cinderfuckin' Ella. And they killed her. Yeah, and then they killed her. Straight up. Do you think she... Wait. Well, yeah. I think so. You think she was killed? Yeah. Like she didn't die tragically? Do you think she was murdered?

assassinated. They didn't like how she was talking in interviews. Did you think the driver was in on that?

- No. - Did the driver die? - Yeah, I think so. - So you think it was like the, you think it was kind of like a kamikaze kind of thing? - He went into work and he's like, "I'm really sad, I wanna quit." And they're like, "Wait, if you're that sad." - We've got something for ya. There might actually, something just showed up on my desk today that you are really gonna be interested in. - Don't quit. - How fast have you ever driven? - I don't know, I think, I think, I don't know. I just think. - I've gone hundreds.

What? Hundreds. Of miles an hour? Yeah, an hour. Oh, spooky. Don't brag. Hassan, I've since sold it, but the Porsche 911, I've gone very fast in that. The one he got me. Super fast car. Did he actually get you that car or is that like... That doesn't seem like something Hassan would do for you. He did. I was there for his birthday. Really? Yeah. We didn't invite you because we knew you'd be weird about it.

We know you'd start asking for shit like you do. You always do that. Yeah, he got me a Porsche 911 Turbo S, which was very, very sweet of the guy. I don't think I would also ask for a car. What would you ask for? Maybe a nice... So you would ask for something. And I got that. See, there he goes again with that whole needy shtick. The best things come to people who don't ask for them, Ted. You think I asked Hassan to buy me a 911? I think you did. No. I just floated it by...

Okay, so what's the difference between asking for something and floating it? I said, Hasan, what do you think of... He went down the Provo. What do you think of 9-11? Okay, so you asked for it, but just in a more manipulative way. It worked. You said, I've got your address. So what do you think about bombs? And also, this cool address of your house you got going on here.

- Do the Mormons have any like dietary restrictions? - No coffee. - No coffee. Is coffee the only thing? I mean, I love- - Or alcohol. - Religions like preventing- - I think he's thinking like food based items. - Yeah, they like to prevent people from having delicious items. - No, but they do make mean jello salads.

- Jell-O salads. - Yeah. - Oh my God. - Yeah. - That's disgusting. - I feel like being a Mormon is just the equivalent of going over to like your kind of like lame grandma's house. - Okay, well coming to my house sometimes is thrilling. - No, I mean, but you left the Mormon. - No, I still, I love them. - There's no like, you can't not have like meat or anything? - No, there's nothing like that. - You can have bacon? - Yeah. - Would you rather have unlimited bacon or, but no games or games?

I don't have games. Excuse me. He wasn't done with the question. Sorry. You need to listen to the full question. Otherwise, you can't understand. Jump the gun there. Unlimited bacon or no games. Well, no. He hasn't finished the question. You have to listen to the full question so you can understand the scope of what he's actually asking. I'm sorry. I'm dyslexic. Would you rather have unlimited bacon but no more games or games, unlimited games but no games? What kind of games?

But no games. But no games. Unlimited games, but no games. Or unlimited bacon and no games. I guess I would choose the bacon. Why? Because I heard that consuming a lot of bacon has that trace to causing pancreatic cancer. Is that what happened to Steve Jobs? No, he was fruititarian. Do you read? Well, I just know he had PC.

- Did he? - Yeah, despite-- - He definitely did not. - Despite inventing Mac, he had PC. - He did? - That's so sad. - That's how he died. Isn't that ironic? - PC? - You create Mac and you die from PC? Pancreatic cancer. - Oh, I thought you were saying that like fucking some land, like a personal-- - You make fun of people who died too much. - No, I don't. - Amelia Earhart. - I think he's just-- - I've never made fun of that bitch.

Not once. All he said is that she was just a little bit lost in the sauce. No. What have I said about Amelia Earhart, that bitch? You talk so much about the coconut crabs.

That was years ago. Yeah, I remember everything. Those motherfuckers are huge. What is she, like your hero or something? No, he's just offensive. Have you seen a coconut crab before? Oh my God, Tucker, look that shit up. They are terrifying. Coconut crabs. Was she eaten alive by coconut crabs? Yeah, she washed up on an island that only had coconut crabs. Oh God. Look at it, on the side of a garbage can. Yeah, they ate her. They actually found her? Yeah, they found her. I didn't know they found her. This is old news. Like recently though? No. No.

This was like three years that we talked about this. I know, but when did they find her? They eat everything from kittens to maybe Amelia Earhart. That's crazy. That's a crazy headline. That's crazy. Nice one, Smithsonian Magazine. They got a real knack for nuance there. So you take the bacon? I guess. Yeah. I like that one of the main questions is, do coconut grubs still exist? Yes.

Many believe that's what... It's a crab theory. Many believe that what they found was the body of American aviation pioneer Amelia Earhart and that she had been shredded to pieces. Why are they writing it that way? In 1940, Reacher's found a skeleton on Nikumaru... Nikumaroro. Nikumaroro Island that had been torn apart limb by limb.

Coconut crabs are crazy. Many believe that what they found was the body of American aviation pioneer Amelia Earhart and that she had been... And then this is in bold on the website. And that she had been shredded to pieces by coconut crabs. That makes it sound like they were turning her into fucking like pulled pork. Shredded to pieces. Golly. Pulled pilot. I don't like coconut crabs. They scare me. Can you imagine your...

doing something great or trying to, to achieve something no one's ever done before. And you get shredded to pieces. - By coconut crabs. - By coconut crabs. - Yeah, no, it's definitely not a preferable situation. - How many do there need to be for you to not be able to escape them? - She was passed out, I'd assume. - She was dead when she washed up. - No, no. That's no fun. - That's interesting.

Are we under the assumption here that the coconut crabs ate her alive? He thinks she survived the plane crash. You think she died in the water washed up. She was a pilot. Why wouldn't she eat the coconut crabs if she survived? Yeah, I don't think the coconut crabs are like... This wasn't like the fucking ants from Indiana Jones Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I'm sorry. Maybe I enjoy thinking that a woman could fly a plane. And then get eaten alive by coconut crabs. Maybe it's better to...

preserve that idea that she could fly the plane and didn't crash it and die. Maybe the plane crashed. Why are you saying that this is about like, how are you framing this? Would you rather Amelia Earhart, the most notable female pilot ever, die in a plane crash? Or would you rather she saved herself from a plane crash and then got eaten by coconut crabs? Pulled apart. Alive. I would rather her just have died in a plane crash. I

No. And then washed up on the beach. Because that would mean she's a shit pilot. Yeah, but at least I wouldn't want to have gotten beaten by coconut crabs. And I don't think that Amelia Earhart would have gotten beaten by coconut crabs unless she was dead. There were a lot of them. Yeah. What do you think? I think they would beat you. No, but I... You're the only woman on the podcast, QGC NRL. What do you think? What would you rather Amelia Earhart have done? Well, we do have our annual woman meeting coming up in June. Oh, yeah? So I'll bring it to the table and I'll see what... During Pride Month? The...

Yeah. We took it back. From who? From the gays. The women, we took it. We said, nope. Nice. Yeah. Look at how that implies that women are like at odds with all gay people. Yeah. Even the lesbians. Yeah, even the lesbians. Yeah. Huh. For our behalf. Okay. For the straight, cis, white, females. What day of the month is this? It's the whole month. Yeah.

Oh, when is our meeting? Meeting, yeah. 15th. Okay. June 15th. I thought for so, dude, I thought you, never mind. I'll bring it up later. Coconut crabs are turned Amelia Earhart into pulled pork.

You seem nervous, but you shouldn't be. What kind of food would you like to be on the triple sandwich? Oh, that's my question. Okay. So we usually ask our guests what part of the sandwich are they... You're just going to have to make this work. What part of the sandwich... I guess...

Hey, you know, you're a guest here on Chuckle Sandwich, and every time a guest comes on Chuckle Sandwich, we are increasing the size and scale and ingredients of the Chuckle Sandwich. So if you had to choose, and it can be pretty much anything because it's expanded to notions of ideas, what would you have your piece of the Chuckle Sandwich be? I'm the butt pieces of bread that holds it all together, and this guy's the fucking mayo. I'll be...

You can probably infer why. Who's the top piece of the bread? Who's the top? I'm both. Oh, you said the butt. Use the shit ends. You know those shit ends of a bread loaf? Oh, you're both. That's the what? Oh, this is a bad sandwich. Okay, well, rude. First of all, you're part of it. If someone's already been something, can I also be it? Yeah, repeats are allowed. It's not lame. What if I'm a repeat? I find it interesting to have someone just without any context of what all the other pieces are. I want to be a pickle.

- Just one pickle? - Yeah, but whole. I wanna be a whole pickle. - Oh, like a whole physical, like unsliced pickle? - Yeah, a Disneyland-sized pickle. - Okay. - Just plopped in the middle. - Oh, we should've talked about how you're such a fucking Disney adult. - No, no, no. - Oh, man. We'll have to have you on again. - A member-shaped pickle on the sandwich. A manhood. - Loins of a pickle on the sandwich. Who else has chosen pickle before? - I think maybe a couple at some point. - Oh, fuck me. - No, but not the way that you did it differently, though. You made it a member.

salt on it too. Mm-hmm

A salted pickle? Have you ever had salted pickles? No. Oh, try it. I do not like pickles. Oh. Aren't pickles like already just like the whole concept of a pickle is like a cucumber like it exists in sodium? Yes, but you add salt and it's too sour. You add more sodium to it? Okay. Fair enough. You are the... So we're going to need to get like a big toothpick to go through this whole thing. Otherwise, it's going to like slide us or slide off. Yeah. That's fair. All right. Well...

Wait, Ludwig's been on this before, right? Yeah, I don't know. You're having him again. Yeah. Yeah, I guess. Does he get to choose another piece of the sandwich? I think so. Insane. Well, yeah, you get to add like another single thing on. I guess we got to, I don't know. We got to start keeping track of what people are on the sandwich. There needs to be someone making like art. Why didn't you hire like an artist for every episode slowly making a sandwich at the end? Stingy. You guys broke? No. Don't you have like 12 podcasts? Yes.

Do you only have one? Yeah, I just got this one. Does it make you feel insecure that he has so many? Not really. Really? Well, because this is the best one. Thanks so much, Cutie, for coming on this episode of Chuckle Sandwich, the number one podcast in Schlatt's podcast lineup. Do you have anything you want to roll? Don't make that face. My new podcast, Did Schlatt Win, available on YouTube and all audio platforms. If you listen on Spotify, that is.

You want to hear something interesting? This podcast, in terms of the amount, your podcast has been running for like two and a half months now. Oh, you're right. Yeah. Oh, wow. By now it could be canceled. It might not be around anymore. Yeah, it could be. Oh, what if this episode comes out on June 15th, the day of the women's meeting? Actually, this will probably be somewhere in May that this is coming out. Yeah. So if you've got anything actually coming up, because this is episode number what?

Six or seven. Six. This is the sixth episode, so that means that generally, okay, we got an episode. So six weeks from tomorrow, this is when this one will come up.

- Do you have any projects that you're working on? - I have lots of projects. I don't know when they will be. I usually choose the date like a week before. People think I'm a crazy planner, but I like the stress. - That's totally fair and I understand that completely. - But if you like podcasts, I do have my own. And we drink wine. It's called Wine About It. It's me and my host, Maya Higa, and we will definitely-- - No environmentalist. - Talk shit anti-environmentalist. She hates the environment, actually. - Oh, okay, yeah.

We will talk shit on these two at some point. So that's what we do. Start drama. That's it. Great. Well, thanks so much for coming on. Chuckle sandwich. All right. See you guys next week. Bye. Bye. Don't forget to put on your garments.