Pure Chaos
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Boys, did you see the giant fire that lit up in the ocean? I did. The sea is on fire. It's up in flames and we're all going to die. Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich. Doesn't usually happen. Cthulhu rises from the ocean gloriously as he reclaims the land he once lost. See, we make jokes about it, right? Like that. We're like, oh, here goes Satan's tendrils again. But like, we are so, so screwed. What do you think really is down there?

I think all the plastic straws are down there. They lit that fire. Yeah, all of the... All the plastic straws we threw into the ocean. All the bottles we forgot to recycle. You think the sea turtles have become arsonists down there? I think all of the sea turtles that... I think that's just all the sea turtles with the fucking straws through their noses unionizing all at once. And they're just spinning really fast under the ocean creating enough friction that there's a fucking fire down there now.

Right? That's awesome. Yeah. It's crazy. We solved it, man. We figured it out.

I thought it was something crazy like global warming, but now that it's just the turtles, it was just keep putting straws in there and it should figure itself out. I will kill every single fucking turtle before I drink out of a paper straw. I've said that before and I'll say it again. I will kill, I will strangle every single turtle, even that fuck from Finding Nemo that they all swam on. No, you want it. Strangle. Strangle. Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich.

Are you really that antagonistic towards paper straws? I hate paper straws. Yes, I hate paper straws, dude. You can't tell me when you see a paper straw and you drink it like, oh, this is a great day and I'm a happy man. No, I gotta admit. You're not. Paper straws suck ass. We all know this. I'm throwing myself in with the schlack camp here. What the fuck is wrong with my tongue? Your tongue is fucking blue. No!

What did you drink? Jesus, man. It's all the plastic in the ocean. What did you drink this morning? Wait, that's just regular water. Did you have a... I've been drinking... Okay. Raspberry cool water. I've been drinking Powerade. I've been drinking a lot of Powerade recently because I'm under the weather. I had a great L.A. trip, but I think I contracted some kind of virus there.

God forbid, let's say a prayer. It is not the Delta Strand because that is a killer and I will never be flying Delta again. Not that I would have, you know. Not that this Delta Strand fixed anything. I mean, I'm a jet blue sworn jet bluer till the day I die, you know. Indeed. Indeed.

But back on paper straws, I mean, what the hell? Why are you accepting this in your life? Why are you letting the elites of society tell you you have to fucking sip through pulpy plastic paper straws that literally disintegrate the more you drink out of them?

They disintegrate and you start drinking paper. You start drinking paper, bro. I agree. I was with, I went to this, or JHB, he invited me to this 100 Thieves event that they were launching their foundations clothing line or whatever that is. And I went to their- They better be paying us for this episode. I went to their little event event.

And they had this, a bunch of bars set up and they all had like these drinks that were like foundations, red foundations, white, like they were all just like specific themed drinks and,

And then we got them and they were in paper straws. And then one of the things about paper straws is that after a certain point, you can't even like drink through it. It's like, no, you can't. The purpose is lost maybe after like the first three sips and then you're just, you're, it just closes up. And then it's like, why did I even have this in the first place?

Charlie's about to, I can see this look on this fucker's face. He's about to defend paper straws. He is about to defend paper straws. To be fair, would it really be a podcast if I just said, yeah, Ted and Schlatter, right? So here I go, guys. Here I go. Take a big sip of this one. I

think it sounds like it sounds like a mouth it sounds like a mouth problem guys it sounds like a mouth problem sounds like you guys just aren't generating enough vacuum fast enough you know and you're trying to tell us that we don't have strong enough vacuum I'll tell you what Charlie I've got a really strong vacuum in my mouth in the pool

bro, alright? If you're just sucking up paper, I don't know what to tell you, dude. If you're just making a sort of paper mache blend in your drink, you're not going quick enough. And you know what? The earth's running out of time, men. And what? Now your straws are, and now you feel it. Now you feel the consequences of your actions. This is bullshit. So now...

So now you're telling me I can't even savor. You're telling me I can't even savor my drinks anymore. I have to suck them up with the force of a fucking Dyson Airblade. No, don't fuck yourself, bro. You're letting Bill Gates, Amazon Jeff Bezos...

You're letting that Tim Apple fuck tell you that you have to drink through paper straws? Meanwhile, they're like fires in the middle of the fucking ocean? It's like shitting right off the teat of Mother Nature, god damn it. Brother. Brother. It would not be a broadcast if you guys didn't talk at the same time for a minute straight. I need to have a heart-to-heart with this man right now. Brother. Thank God, because I'm sick of buying a hundred cards fucking just eating it. Shut up.

eating it one by one by one. I'm so sick of reaching into my printer and grabbing a fucking snack. Thank God paper straws were invented. He's opening up his burger rings. Charlie, you should be worried right now. He's opening up his burger rings. Well, what's going to possibly be in there that could help his point? I've never even seen burger rings. The taste of burger? Look at that. Look at that. He's cramping now.

Because the sea turtle spiked his aquafina. For our audio listeners, love you to death. Shalott just opened up a bag of a snack called Burger Rings. And I've never even seen this snack before, Burger Rings. I assume that it is a snack that holds the taste of a burger and rings. Brother. You are telling me that you are going to let Jeff Bezos tell you, you're going to let

You're going to let Mark fucking Zuckerberg tell you that you, Warren Buffett telling you that you have to drink through a paper straw for the rest of your life. Meanwhile. You think that Rockefeller knows best, Charlie? And it's to save the environment. Meanwhile, they are, brother, they are lighting fires.

In the ocean. I know, I know, I know. They are lighting fires in the ocean. Charlie, you're going to be a cuck for J.D. Rockefeller. They are lighting fires in the ocean. And you have to recycle? No.

Listen, listen, listen. You have to recycle? What are you talking about? That sounds like you're pretty not very woke at all, Charles. Jeffrey Bezos. Jeffrey Bezos. Jeff, bless his heart. Congratulations, Jeff. Great job, Jeff. First of all, just want to say we're all so proud of you here at Chuckle Sandwich.

We're so proud of you. You made a penis rocket and you're going to space, Jeff. What I am doing right now is I am defending them as a concept because I believe if straws didn't exist that maybe they could be part of a solution. Right now, do they stand to do anything? Absolutely not, right?

Carbon footprint is a lie, but maybe, just maybe, if Jeffrey Bezos listens to this and he says, oh, you're right, it could just be like an added fun textural thing, and they all stop making plastic straws, maybe Cthulhu will stop reaching his fiery hands out of the depths of the fucking Pacific. I don't know. Well, hold on, guys. I mean, speaking of Jeffrey Bezos, our lord and savior, our loving boy, so proud of him. Have you seen his penis rocket?

Excuse me? His penis rocket. The rocket that he plans to go in space with, just threw it in podcast chat. It's very phallic. It looks like a fucking penis. It looks like a shaft with a head, and it's going to space. Oh, shit. The sense of humor on this guy. He's just so lovable. It's so hard to hate him. Do you know what that says to me? Jeff is such a fucking rich bitch.

That he made a big dick rocket just to show how much he can flex his big dick rocket going to space with his brother. Oh, that's nice of him. And that's why we're so proud of Jeffrey Bezos. Hey, Jeffrey. Hey, Jeff. And I know you're listening. Where are the balls? Jeffrey Bezos is the number one listener. Too good for balls? Not rich enough?

How many things do I need to put in my Amazon cart before you can put balls on your rocket, Jeff? No, bro. Jeff doesn't have any balls left. They shrunk. Did you guys see the before and after pictures of this fucker?

Back when Amazon was a... What, you mean before and after humanity? Back before the piss bottles, back before the 150% turnover rate of all the employees in the Amazon warehouse. This guy was a scrawny little fuck who sold books. Book, book, book, book, book. He sold books, right? He still do. But now he sells everything, right? Now he innovates. And now he's fucking jacked.

That guy, that dude is on steroids or something. You've seen that photo of him with the fucking vest and his muscles around and he's wearing aviators? Why does he look so scary? He looks like the fucking bad guy in Spider-Man Homecoming. Why does he look like that? He looks like a bad guy. He became a bad guy. Guys, this is wrong. Why does Jeffrey Bezos look like a bad guy, guys?

You know something? He's so good because he has because he has so much money. So I he's the conservative champion, baby. Yeah, no, he definitely looks like a villain. And you know that there's an issue there when the richest man in the world looks like a villain. I mean, was he always bald like that?

Or did he have, did he, I feel like every one of those current billionaires had that moment in the fucking nineties when they had, like, they were still holding onto their hair and they either got some sort of, like, for instance, Elon Musk, you can see pictures of him when he was, when he was way younger and he had a huge fucking bald spot.

That's it, baby. Hairs are shared. He did something. He's got a toupee now or something? No, he fucking shot hair DNA in there. Oh, really? That's one of the companies he's working on, bro. He shot fucking hair in there. Hair DNA? He shot it into his arm? You're like pretending he's doing fucking heroin. Like he wrapped up his arm. Heroin! There it is, baby.

Only on the chuckle sandwich. Give me the hair, bro. Give me the hair. And then it just... Yo, we're shooting hair on chuckle sandwich. A new strand. Yep. Can you imagine if you shot... You did some hair DNA. You shot some hair DNA and it's like you've got your normal hair on certain spots and then the filling is just like a different color entirely. It's like blonde hair or ginger hair starts going out and you're like, ah. It's just like, fuck, I put the wrong color in. You got the wrong color hair DNA. Just shedding like dog mat. Just in the middle. Yeah.

But, Schlatt, it's been, I mean, I suppose we can't just sort of continue this podcast as if nothing's happened. I mean, it's been a while since we've been able to put a podcast together, and I'd like to take the moment to completely blame all of that on Schlatt and his fucked up life. It's me. Yeah. Schlatt, you want to sort of explain and maybe teary-eyed what's going on to our audience? I'll talk about this. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, there you go. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I like the direction you're going now. Now, now, now, now just kind of juice it a little bit more. And I think you'll get a really good empathetic, empathetic reaction from our audience parasocially. I think this will work really well. All right. Scene. If I had a dog, I'd have them right now. How am I going to say this? How am I going to do this boy? You're all come on Fido. How am I going to do this? How am I going to talk about this?

Charlie, you look so concerned right now. Listen, I know he's sorry. I can see it in his eyes. So, guys. Slot, before you start, I just want to say I forgive you, man, and I'll always be a big fan, and I'm here for you, all right? So, guys, I found this new site called csgolotto.com.

You can gamble skins on it. It's this great new site that I just found. I'm not a co-owner or anything. Hold on. My DoorDash person just said they don't have chocolate birthday. Goddamn. In addition to that, I remember that you also mentioned that you're so sorry for pumping and dumping a X coin.

A cryptocurrency that nobody knows about. I pumped and dumped a shitcoin that was about saving children. And in reality, all I did was save my bank account and no one else's. So I'm really sorry about that. Guys, I'm going to tell you what I've been up to the past week or two or three. I'm homeless. He's homeless. I had to move out of my house.

Because the landlord sold it without doing any tours. He forgot to look at the house to see the state that Ms. Kiff, my landlord, had left it in. So the homeowner sold it to this family. And I think there's a lawsuit involved now. Oh, God.

Because of the absolute state that the house was in, when the owners who paid a pretty penny for the house walked in and saw what was going on. I'm pretty sure there's some legal action going on. But yeah, I had to get out of there. That's a new piece of information I've never heard before. Yeah, I didn't know this. Yeah. Yeah, he was... There was...

Hey, not my problem. Not my problem. I was never on the lease. Yeah, there you go. Anyways, yeah, you know, so I had to get out of there. His employees are still in the walls. You hear them scratching every night. I jumped ship. And what do I do now? My life is falling apart. I have not found a new place to live. I'm living in an office, as you can see. This is a fucking office. Jambo's picking up odd jobs. I put Jambo in a home.

Don't say that, people are gonna freak out. I have Jambo. Jambo's taking care of it, don't worry about it. It's not true, he actually sent home a whole, he put Jambo in a hole. I dug a hole and Jambo lives in there forever. Hey folks, it's ad time. Here we're gonna read some ads from our beautiful sponsors. Hey you chiseled chucklers, summer's coming. Are you ready to unveil your beach bod?

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And don't ship yourself just yet! Just go to ShipStation.com, click on that microphone at the top of the page, and type in "Chuckle." That's ShipStation.com, enter offer code "Chuckle." Make ship happen. I'd like a Photoshop from someone of like, of Jambo sitting on one of those high rise-- like that old New York photo of like those blue collar workers sitting on the high rise of the steel beams. I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna do that real quick. Jambo with a fucking construction add-on and a little lunchbox.

Every Jambo pic I post is like three or four Photoshoppers that are just real quick with any of you guys. That's a challenge. That's a challenge, man. Light top hat. Wheat skins. Any of you guys get on it. Wheat skins. Wheat skins actually did. He did the video when I did that video with you. The the cereal one. When I talked about the cereal battle of 1835, wheat skins did that little Photoshop thing. I asked for it on Twitter and he replied with that. That's awesome. Yeah.

It was basically free labor. I felt really good about it. Thanks, Wheatskins, if you're here. Oh, Schlatt's crying again. It's just so hard. It's so hard for me. I feel like I'm in the middle of nowhere. I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone. Is this, where am I?

Where am I? You look like you're in the place where streamers go if they go to, like, hell. Just, like, an empty streaming room with a bunch of... Just, like, sort of an empty LAN room where nothing's going on there. I have nothing. I have nothing anymore. You think a streamer dies but nothing happens?

You're just like in the same place. You go to limbo. I mean, I started a welding business. I fix any crack now. I started a welding business. I'm eating fucking burger rings. What the fuck are burger rings? Where did you even find that? What are these? What is the chip called burger rings? That looks like an alternate universe chip.

Like, chip. Like, that seems like something that you'd phase into, like, Earth 2, and then you'd walk into a Walmart. Why do you add sound every time? You eat a burger ring. It seems like it's shooting you every time it enters your mouth. Oh, they taste like burgers. It's pretty good. Then why are you reacting in that way? You seem so shocked every time. Look at this. Look at this.

This is what's really going to surprise you. Wait till I take my super mega hat off. What the

What is that? Oh my god. You've reached... What is this? What is this bullshit? I'm tying my hair now? You're like a nest almost. Well, hold on. Let me do my audio listener description for our audio listeners. Love you to death. Schlatt's got a fucking man bun now, which is something that I could almost guarantee you that at some point in his life, if he hadn't chose to just not have any form of hygiene, he'd probably be making a video about how ridiculous man buns are. He'd make a commentary video talking about

What are all these guys making man buns? They're walking around. What are all these liberals doing? What do you think long ass for? It's for women. Exactly. Yeah. So this is sort of an interesting change of events for sure on the chuckle sandwich timeline. I mean. A ring is kind of just like a chode straw, right?

What? It's like, I mean, it's just like a sort of... Okay, yeah, like a circle that... A chode straw. That didn't enhance or help the description of it. And either of those words that you added didn't enhance or help it. I kind of wanted to bring it just back around to the whole straw thing. Why would you say that as I'm eating burger rings? What the fuck is your problem? You called his snack... You gave his snack...

the word chode in his mind. You made it sound like Schlatt is eating a bag of chodes, and you think that he's going to let that just roll on by? Based on the volume and the general distribution of the object, I just made an observation as it was going into your mouth. You don't sound too confident, Charlie. And I just pictured a sort of straw sort of compressing down, and I thought to myself, well, that's just a ring, and there it... You're awful, man. Charlie, have you no shame? It sort of came right up. Do you have no shame?

And then it sort of came up. Oh, God. You can see it, though, right? Here's this shit. It gets even worse. I've been massaging myself with a fucking knockoff Theragun 24- What is this, a tattoo? Whoa. Twilight Sparkle? My little pony? Where the hell did that come from? And for the audio listeners, which...

I love you to death. Schlatt does have a Twilight Sparkle tattoo. He does have a... He's... For the last of his money went. Yeah, he's... I guess he's got... A Theragun is... Can you explain what a Theragun is to people who don't understand that? Theragun is a gun that goes back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Burger ring time. He's sort of losing his mind. God. God.

God. Why does it... It's... It's like everything he does hurts him. Yeah, it's like...

It tastes so much like burgers. I know, man, but that should be okay. I can't stop eating them. They be tasting like burgers. It's hard to watch. It's like he's a Pokemon where every one of his attacks does equal or double damage on himself. Dude, we're all influencers. One of our four moves is self-destruct. What is this? What is this? What is Twisties? Where are these coming from? What is Twisties Cheeseburger? What are your four moves?

What the fuck? What is Twisty's Cheeseburger? None of these are real. Where are you getting these from? I think you are actually in the Twilight Zone. Where am I? Where am I living? Where do I live? You're literally in a fucking alternate fucking ancient dimension. What is this? What is Shapes? What the fuck are these things you're showing us? What is Shapes? Toasty? Triple Cheese Toasty.

Triple Chase Toasty? Where are these coming from? What the fuck is that? Where am I? Hold on. You have a little bit of an accent there. Are these British snacks that you're showing us right now? Nah. Shapes is Australian. Are they Australian? I guess Toasty seems like definitely an Australian snack. Barbecue Shapes. Barbecue Shapes. Every shape is a different flavor.

And every flavor is a different shape. Every flavor is a different shape. Each new shape packed full of flavor. Every day I eat my shapes. Kangaroo.

I just got kind of fucked up. I've been so busy with this move and being homeless and just everything that's going on. I went to LA for a bit. We're gone again. Which leads us into a very, very... Our Daily Double. The Daily Double. A very fun announcement for our Chuckle Sandwich listeners.

This time next week, ladies and gentlemen, and by the time that this podcast is out, Charlie and I will all be in Los Angeles because we are doing, drum roll, do it in your head, chuckle week, baby! Yeah!

We're doing Chuckle Week. What is Chuckle Week, Schlatt? I think they're asking. Why don't you give them an explanation of what Chuckle Week is? So Chuckle Week is this great big plan of fun and sex. Basically... Fun and sex. Basically, I'm horny. Okay.

I shouldn't have passed this off to you. Shlatt, I'm 99% sure you're talking about Fuckle Week, which we're doing afterwards. Oh, it's Fuckle Week. We're not talking about Fuckle Week right now. We keep Fuckle Week off all records, okay? Shlatt, Fuckle Week is our wind-down week after Chuckle Week. Come on, man. I get it. Pull it together. Do not even get me started on Chuckle Week.

Okay. So Chuckle Week is basically one week where Charlie and Schlatt make their way over to smoggy Los Angeles. And have a lot of sex. They step off the... Shut up, Charlie. They step off... I'm going to kill you. They step off the plane. They breathe in that smoggy air. And we're getting like a studio. And we're...

We're basically recording a bunch of podcasts in person with some of your favorite content creators. We've got a fantastic lineup of guests, and I think we're recording probably at least 10 podcasts. So pretty much from now on, after this podcast, it'll be like...

other week will be a episode from Chuck a week that'll have a new fun guest in this studio. I think it'll add a fun new flavor to the podcast. It's going to be pretty glorious. We still haven't figured out how to run a podcast, but

but we're getting the studio after this week is going to be a fucking hoagie boys. We've even got sort of like a, I mean, I won't spoil too much of the surprise, but we got some lunch themes going on and where we're going to be recording. That's the part I'm most excited about.

Yeah, it should be very, very fun. In addition to that, you may be some be and I'm going to say this in the most general terms. We're going to squirt different condiments on the guests based on how much we like their answer. Indeed. Indeed. We're also going to we're also in developing a little bit of something that maybe you could wear. But that's all I'm going to say. That's all I'm going to say. Is it made of meat? Is it made of cheese? You'll have to find out. Let that muddle in your little brain there. All right, kiddos. Think about it.

But yeah, no, super, super excited for Chuckle Week. It's kind of a funny name because it's like we just kind of started saying it and didn't really even consider the consequences of calling it Chuckle Week. Why don't we call it Sandwich Week? Sandwich Week just sounds like...

I don't know, a food trip you're making? Like with your friends? That just sounds like we lost our jobs and are now working at Subway. Yeah, that's true. Speak for one of us, huh? That sounds like... Yeah, there you go, Schlatt. Um...

But yeah, I mean, Chuckle Week is, I'm hoping, I mean, depending on how it goes, I mean, it's something that I hope that we can do, you know, maybe like twice a year or something like that or whenever we can really figure out how to do it and be like a fun little thing in between the times to... Sorry, I got a text from my doordash. Hello, I am Maria. I am here. That's pretty ominous.

That's I hope that she just like fucking breaks down your door and she's like, hello, my name is Maria. Your food has arrived, but it's just her face. What's the weirdest? What's the weirdest text you could get from a door dash? Well, I feel like it'd be like, honestly, here's here's what I think.

All right. You see that very late at night? You're like, hmm? You see that thing that Connor tweeted from the DoorDash where it was like he didn't order DoorDash and they were like, hi, this is DoorDash. Can you please cancel your order? And then he was like, what? They DoorDashed them themselves? Yeah, something like that. I don't know. I saw it on his alt Twitter. That's pretty intimidating. I'd be like...

Something's awry here. Somebody knows where I live and they're bringing food and it could be a gun. God knows where you live. They're bringing some food for you and I'm going to eat. I hope it's not a bullet. But say you do. Say you do order some food.

Very late at night. You know, say you want some Chick-fil-A. Closed on Sunday. 3 a.m. Chick-fil-A. 3 a.m. Chick-fil-A. You want a spicy chicken sandwich with some pepper jack cheese and mayo. Hold the pickles. Some sauce. Get that Chick-fil-A sauce. One tub of Chick-fil-A sauce is all you need for that, Sammy. It's all they're allowing for right now. Tell you what, that is honestly one of the most delicious things you could ever eat. Fuck the fries. No one cares about the fries. All I need is that spicy chicken sandwich with the pepper jack. Anyways...

You get a text. Okay. Usually it's like, hello, this is DoorDash connecting you with your driver. And then the driver's like, hey, you know, I just picked up the food. I'm on the way. But it doesn't say I'm on the way. What does it say? It says perhaps the most alarming, intimidating, scary, terrifying thing possible. What does it say? Hello, I am Maria. I am here. Hello, I am Maria.

Hello, I am Maria. I am here. I mean, if it's Chick-fil-A, right? It's so confident. There's no doubt in her mind that she is Maria. She is Maria, man. And she is, in fact, where she believes she is. That's fucking Maria. Yeah.

Tell you one thing. That's a fucking Maria right there. I'll tell you one thing. I think you get a first-person POV of the guy just holding the burger in his hand out, like, low to the ground, like, as if to a dog. With no wrapper? With no wrapper. And you just get the text, your pleasure. Oh, yeah. I guess this is a fun little thing we can think about. Yeah.

Maybe just like, I am here, and it's a photo of the back of your head. Hello, I am Maria. I am here. Photo of the back of your head. You can faintly make out that your shoulder blade threw a crack in your closet. It's just like a little thing of life.

Burger behind you. Just slowly releasing photos over time of different aspects of the meal that you ordered in places that you remember faintly from your childhood that they create some sort of deja vu, but you don't know. It's like, oh, my God, that's my grandparents' old house where I've only been there twice when I was like five. Yeah.

And they're there. And then after that, you get a single text. They were out of plastic straws. No! No! That's right, it's pulling back. Would a paper one suffice? Schlatt just breaks down. And you start texting back, but you see they're already halfway to your house. What does that mean? Did they pick one up? I don't know. It could be multiple in the back.

Exactly. Out of plastic straws. I will fix this. Here's what I think would be the most intimidating thing. The most intimidating text to receive from your Dasher at three in the morning. I am coming. Good luck. Have you gotten? No, you haven't. But that would be fun. Who would send that?

Someone who probably doesn't have a full understanding of the English language, probably. On my way, good luck. Maybe they thought it was something similar to thank you, but it was like, I'm on my way, thank you, but instead, on my way, good luck. What do I need the luck for, man? What are you going to do? What are you going to do to me once you get here? That reminds me of me and the GF. We ordered an Uber recently, and it was like...

It was very similar vibes of like, I am here. Good luck kind of situation. Cause this guy was absolutely fucking bombing it down every street in LA. Like whenever there was this, like a fucking red light, he'd, he'd slam on it. And then when it was like green light, it was, it was like fucking fast and furious. He was, he would literally, and I kid you not, I could hear him putting the foot on

Down like all the way I can hear the pedal hitting the floor Every single time he would the light would turn green. He was literally Flooring it it was probably the most shocking uber that I've ever been a part of but I still give you five stars though crazy because I feel like if you ever give someone not five stars and you totally fuck over there like Yeah, right What would you what would you do?

If you saw a DoorDash, you place an order, it's like the place is 30 minutes away, and you give the guy a call, and you just hear him running. You just hear feet on the pavement. That's like a bad... You just breathe it all heavy. That's like a bad dream. He's like a web traffic screeching in the background. Have you guys ever received like a DoorDash from a...

I actually, I actually, it's funny you say that. Did you check the map? It's just going, it's just, it's going faster than any car. Oh, dude. You call him because you're weighty speeding. You just hear. It's funny you say that because I actually ordered a Postmates once. Or it may have, actually, it may have been a DoorDash. And it said that they were on a bike.

And I guess this restaurant that I ordered from must have been like a mile away. But when the DoorDash came, it was like I look outside and it was like it was like a mom and her kid. And they had basically like walked to the restaurant and then walked all the way to my place.

To, like, hand it to me. And I felt so fucking bad. Because I was like, oh, my God. Here's a mom who's got to, like, walk with their kid. Like, that's how they're trying to just make some extra money. With their kid? Yeah, they were with their kid. And they're like, kid gave me the fucking door dash. And I was like, oh, no. I guess I'll tip more. I tipped them, like, 30%. I was like, holy shit.

but, but in that regard, I mean, if there was someone who was like just going around doing running, because sometimes I would get postmates, I wouldn't order postmates in a while because it was making me fat. But, um, the,

Sometimes they'll come on a bike or something like that, and sometimes the meal is just totally messed up because it's on a fucking bike. And the dude's running over the fucking bumps and shit. I don't know what it is about being on a bike, but it fucks it up pretty bad. Hey, I ordered a pizza, not a calzone. Yeah.

It's like a meatball. I ordered a pizza, not a Papa John's Papadilla. What's going on here? I have a solution to the... Oh, by the way, I'm yawning right now. It's fucking 9.30 in the morning, or it's 10 a.m. right now for me. We are doing this podcast... I made these guys record early. We're doing this podcast super early. Exactly. Functioning human beings here at the Chuckle Sandwich Podcast. Ah.

Oh, this is actually... We're figuring out how to live. Hey, hey, not to be self-celibatory, but this is the first podcast in which we are all over a million subscribers. Let's go! That's pretty heavy. Hey, congratulations! Thank you. Thank you for the congratulations I caused. But beyond that, I mean, this is sort of an idea I have. If we are so worried about the turtles...

With the straws. I'm not worried about them. Well, but if we are. I said it again. I said it once. I'll say it again, Ted. Hey, hey, hey. Heel. Make the straws out of turtle shell. Kill them. Turtle shell straws. Kills all the turtles. Don't need to worry about what happens to the turtles because the straws are made out of turtles.

Then you can wash them, and they're reusable. Reusable straws made out of turtles. Get the turtles out of the picture. Get the eco-friendly people on our side. Just let them forget about the turtles. Give them a couple months. They'll cry it out.

I got a way to get all the eco-friendly people on our side. So we kill all the turtles and we turn them... Well, I mean, here's the thing. I mean, eco-friendly people, they don't really care about the environment. They just want to be trendy. I've seen a million and a half fucking eco-friendly people in Los Angeles. I mean, you walk down the street, it's a fucking vegan restaurant with someone wearing Birkenstocks and wearing a fucking giant with a...

Fucking those big floppy hats and shit, and they're wearing their leather frilly jackets, and they're talking about fucking Obama. So, like...

Yeah. So if you give them, oh, it's like, here's a, this is, you know how we'll market it? We'll say, these are straws that are made from the shells of turtles that were once poached long ago, but they were reclaimed. And now we have these straws that are made to remember the turtles.

It's like reclaimed wood. People make furniture out of old reclaimed wood. Reclaimed environmental...

activism in a similar way we could make straws out of ivory exactly see i was just gonna say that ted ted claims the turtles we claim and we pretend ted forgets about him and then i see all the turtles and i'm like i'm now reclaiming these yeah these are old turtles these are all old turtles

It's like those TikToks from Brad Easy where he's just like this. And he's like, you receive good straws. I receive the turtles. The turtles. All of them. And then you may be asking yourself, Charlie, because you seem a little bit unconvinced. I'm going to be honest with you. And I'll tell you what. I was here in the...

You're steering the whole pitch, man. Okay. When people are obviously going to be like, where are the turtles? Where did they go? Please tell us where the fuck these turtles are. You said that you made all these, you got these straws. You would claim the turtles. We just peddle the concept of the hollow earth. All right. We turn that. I thought you were about to say the hollow cost. No. No.

No. The turtle version. The turtle version. No, the turtle holocaust. A holocaust of turtles? No, the hollow earth. Have you ever heard of the hollow earth, Schlatt? Yeah, it's the Godzilla shit. It is the Godzilla shit, but it's also... If your topic can segue directly into the holocaust, it might be wrong. Yeah.

Well, thankfully, thankfully for that, it doesn't. And that's my counterpoint on the channel sandwich. It's, it's, okay. It's not even hollow though. It's hollow. It's a different word. It's not a Microsoft. You make me so mad sometimes. You make me so freaking mad sometimes. Okay. I'm talking hollow earth. All right. The world, the world, Charlie. And, and I'm, I, you know, I might need to break this down Barney style. Cause it doesn't seem like you completely understand.

The Earth is not solid. Inside of the Earth is a bunch of space. All right? A bunch of area in which there's dinosaurs down there. There's gorillas. Big gorillas. Very big gorillas that carry axes and they're like, they're smarter than...

normal gorillas and they're huge um and there's pterodactyls down there all the dinosaurs that we thought were gone they're in that hollow earth and that's when and and you know they just scream all day and okay yeah it's a lot of it's a very screamy place uh but so you're wondering where you know the fucking turtles went we tell them okay

This is going to be a tough pill to swallow, everyone. But Hollow Earth is real, and that's where the turtles are. And then people aren't going to question us anymore. Take me there. I can't. How do I get there? Why? Only turtles can go there. Also, I also raised this. I also completely... I raised this completely flawless strategy. Yeah.

Who the fuck's gonna notice if the turtles are gone? What, like five people? Like five people? I want a strawless strategy. There can't be more than five people that give a shit about turtles. No one... First of all, no one gives a shit about turtles. I was watching turtles yesterday. If they do, they're lying. And you're a virtue-signaling sack of shit, Charlie. It's because you like turtles. I don't need to just...

animal I enjoy. I think they're funny. Listen, I'll get Ted over there. He'll knock your kneecaps in with a fucking Easton CF5 DeMarini baseball bat. I'll do the classic. Composite. I'll do my classic. I'll do my classic. It's called the Knee Breaker, okay? But also, who the fuck sees turtles? Nobody sees turtles. Who the fuck sees turtles in the wild? Sure, keep them in zoos and shit, but who the fuck's seeing them in real life? Exactly. And here's the thing. What are you, going in the ocean? In real life?

What are you, go in the ocean? There are more turtles than just sea turtles in the ocean. Okay, but Charlie, who, like, what determines if an animal is real? I think that we've kind of made a decision. That means...

I think we've made a decision as a podcast, as a group, as a collection of friends, one might say, that turtles are not real and that we can turn their shells into straws. Okay? Now, don't get me wrong, Charles.

Tortoises, completely different story, all right? We're not going to go in and start making, we're not going to go in and start making straws out of fucking 250-year-old Galapagos tortoises, all right? We love, no, we love the Galapagos tortoises. No, Chuckle Sandwich, I want to put out an official statement, Chuckle Sandwich loves tortoises. We love tortoises. Give us all the tortoises, show us to them. Maybe we can have a tortoise party when we're having Chuckle Week. That would be awesome. Show us. But,

Show us to the tortoises. That's what I always say. Show me to them. Yeah, exactly. Show me to the tortoises. But another saying that I know very, very well, Schlatt, though, is that if, as my grandfather always said, you know, you show me a turtle, I'll show you a gun. And I shoot the turtle with the gun. He was a turtle killer.

So my grandfather fought in the Pacific Theater in World War II. And one of the things that they noticed was that... And one of the things that they noticed is that the Turtles were not normally Turtles. In this instance, they were not Turtles.

What the fuck are you talking about? No concept like where reality ends anymore here. The Japanese were using turtles as torpedoes. Now we've gone past definitely that point. The Japanese were using turtles, not tortoises, as torpedoes. Torpedoes. Exactly. Torpedoes. And it made sense.

for the US government to be like, okay, we gotta get these turtles out of here, alright? And so, my grandfather was part of the T-Zero squad, which stands for, if it would make sense, Turtles Zero. We want zero turtles. Um...

So that was his thing. I mean, it's part of the Nivison legacy. We kill turtles. That's what we do. That's what we do. Okay. So like, I'm going to get my, I don't know what to tell you, Charles. I don't know what to tell you. An earlier thing we talked about. I'll get my beloved stuffed animal on the podcast and see what he has to say about maybe this particular topic. Did he just walk into a closet? That door is far too slim to not be a closet. Oh, happy pride.

No, no, don't you fucking dare. I saw that. What are you bringing out? Hey, Schnappy, my beloved stuffed animal from my childhood, my favorite animal, my favorite creature. What do you think about all this discussion about ending the turtles? Kill that thing. I will fucking murder that thing. You know what that thing is? I will strangle it. Hey, Schlant, you know what that thing is not? What? Favorite puppy. Favorite puppy.

Least favorite puppy. No, this is favorite puppy. Least favorite puppy. Turtles, least favorite puppy. Tortoises, favorite puppy. Show me to the tortoises. Show me to them. What is the difference between a turtle and a tortoise? A turtle swims. Tortoises are land-rearing critters. Turtles are water-swimming bastards. All right, I'm with you guys.

Yeah! Okay, you swayed me. Oh, man. Oh, give me some straws. That's the last one. I'm diving into the sea, man. I mean, come on. Think about it, though. Putting them between my fingers like Wolverine and pulverizing these assholes. Fuck them. Screw them. I mean, think about this. For instance, in my glasses. What's that? Turtle shell. Oh. Tortoise, actually. No. Uh-oh. I thought you might say that, but you're wrong. Uh-oh.

Turtle shell. Oh, you got the custom one. I got a custom. You got the secret menu item. I got the secret menu item. It's sort of like an In-N-Out. You asked for turtle instead. New prescription, extra sauce. Wait, so that's actually funny though, Schlatt. When you guys come to LA, I actually could really show you this. This is somewhere that I usually go almost every week. I often go to like Crazy Dave's Turtle Emporium and that's where I get all of my like turtle goods.

Crazy Dave's Turtle Emporium? Have you never heard of this before? What do you mean, turtle goods? Turtle goods. I don't know. Like, look at... I don't know, like... Like Scoot? Uh, no, like, like, uh... Like, did you just look it up, Charlie? What? No. Dave's...

Isn't Crazy Dave the dude from Plants vs. Zombies that goes... No, no. This is a different Crazy Dave. Crazy Dave's turtle important. They sell a bunch of turtle-related products. I mean, you've got the turtle shells. You can shave that and you can grind it up and turn it into a paste and it's very good for the skin. There's sort of...

I think we've had that sponsor on the podcast. Sometimes, yeah. By the way, this podcast is sponsored by Crazy Dave's Turtle Emporium. Sometimes they skin the turtles and that skin is really, really good as sort of an exfoliating surface. So it's often used by like Sephora and Ulta Beauty as sort of a...

exfoliating skin thing. Fenty Beauty, Rihanna's beauty line. They use turtles all the time. Ariana was famously quoted as saying, I use turtles on my skin. I want it, I got it. Turtle, I kill it. Start of the quote, I like turtles in my beauty products, end quote. Laughter

Charlie, you look a bit disheveled. Thank you. Next. Turtle to use on my skin. Dude, listen, listen. I'll be straight with you guys. Turtles have, and I think just have been historically and will be, they are my favorite animals. I love turtles. Oh, turtles are your favorite? Yeah, and no shame to Ariana.

It sounds like you are about to make some shame towards Ariana. I just don't think that Ariana Grande, singer-songwriter Ariana Grande, should be doing what she's doing right now. You know, using these turtles on her skin. And guys, I'm not trying to make hot takes on the charcoal sandwich. I know we all are making hot takes, though. And you don't even like... I'm just saying...

Like, have some respect. No, but like, Charlie. No, but like, Charlie, deadass. Like, have some respect for my family lineage when you talk about turtles in this way, okay? Remember what they did to Ken. To me. What did they do to you, man? They got launched high speed. They fought against the United States in the war yesterday of all days was the 4th of July. The day to celebrate...

Did you not see the four... I'm a turtle apologist. I'm a turtle apologist. Did you not see the four kids... Did you not see Knuckles from Sonic the Hedgehog singing the... What the fucking hell are you talking about? The fucking four kids... The four kids national anthem song. You didn't see Knuckles? Dude, I'm so excited for Knuckles. You didn't see Sonic the Hedgehog? You see Michelangelo? Knuckles! Knuckles!

You see Michael in it. We're all going to paint ourselves red and get really big gloves and run around LA for an entire week.

I think that we should do a special on the podcast, a special one-time video where we go turtle hunting. No, no. With big spears. We're not going to say, hey, guys, this is Chocolate Sandwich. Welcome to Poaching Live. What the fuck are you on about? In Irvine, in Irvine, California, they have, it's called Turtle Sea.

and then C, like one word. Like a place or like a crime? Well, no, it's called Turtle C, like turtle and then the word C, but it's like one word together, and it's basically a place where you can go, and it's like a little lake area, and they give you a boat and like a bunch of guns, and you just go out there, and they give you as much ammo as you want. That's not true. I don't know...

What are you talking about? Yes, of course this is true. And it comes in like packaged. No, this is a lie. It's not a lie. First of all, there's an ammo shortage. They wouldn't give you all the ammo you could ask for. Second of all, you're talking about California this is a thing in?

Well, I mean, obviously it's- Get the hell, get the, what the, who the, how the fuck? Who the fuck do you think you're talking to? Hey. Okay, buddy. Okay, buddy. Let me break this down, Barney Stump. You're talking to the man who fixed any crack? You're not even letting me explain. I fixed any crack, motherfucker. You're not even letting me explain. I live in a goddamn apartment. You're not even letting me explain. We're cracking. Okay.

Okay, you're not even letting me explain, okay? It's called Turtle Sea, alright? They give you a boat. When I say all the ammo you could possibly need, I'm talking about...

In California, it's absolutely legal to have hunting rifles. And they give you hunting rifles and there's different package deals that go with that. But also there's specific bylaws that apply to stuff such as range rifles that aren't normally available to the general public. But the California government licenses out these licenses to give it to companies that want to do turtle hunting. Okay? You fucking dumbass. That's bullshit. It's not bullshit. It's fucking true. Look it up. I'm like Charlie now. Do your own research. Do your own research.

I love turtles. Turtles are great. Turtles are favorite puppy. Do your own fucking research, dude. I mean, come on. We're turning turtles into straws and we're hunting them at turtle sea. Are you going to put the straws away, Schlatt? Are you going to put them away? Schlatt, you do realize... I'm still going to be drinking out of plastic straws. Exactly. You see? See? Fuck the turtles. As much as I love the turtles...

As much as I love the turtles. You don't love the turtles. You spent this whole podcast going against the turtles. I love turtles. I love turtles. You said my turtle was least favorite puppy. Listen, that was just a white lie. You're least favorite turtle. Watch, I was that offensive. As much as I love turtles. Listen, man, as much as I love turtles, and you know how much I love turtles.

You know how much I love turtles? As much as I love turtles, you can fly into me. I'm a businessman. As much as I love turtles, I will fucking strangle every single goddamn one before I suck more pulp out of a fucking paper straw. Paper is for printing shit on it. I will not be sucking shit out of goddamn A8 letterhead. Jeff, give me strength. Jeff, we're babies.

Congratulations, Jeffrey Bezos. Congrats, Jeff. We love you. Very proud of you, Jeff. Jeffrey Bezos. You've done great. You've done great. You want to hear something I just realized as I yelled woo really loudly? What? Yeah. It's fucking 1030 in the morning and I've got neighbors. Ted. Oh, that's true. Anywhere else but L.A., I'd be like, oh, no, it's fine. They're going to be out at their jobs. But people in L.A. don't have jobs. It's a holiday.

Los Angeles is the only place where you can go out at any time of the day and the streets will be cluttered by people who are walking around taking Instagram photos because no one has jobs in Los Angeles. You're going to see for yourself next week during Chuckle Week. Maybe I will. Maybe I will. Maybe we'll do some interviews out in the street. Would you want to do that? Would you want to do that like as a section in between the episodes?

I think that we could do that. We could do that. We could do a thing where it's like each guest we bring on, we do a figuring out how much people care about that guest. So we show them a video of like we surveyed the Los Angeles public to see how much people care about you and how famous you are. And then we just choose all the people that don't know.

and take him down a peg in terms of ego. Probably going to be most of them. Yeah. Many millions of people in Los Angeles. You want to hear, so... So, before every episode, we just have a who? Supercut? That's what you said? I have something funny to tell you after the podcast. I can't, I'm going to mention this when we bring him on, but I have something funny to tell you about one of the guests that we have planned, guys, that happened, but...

You know, I mean... Are we having Darkiplier on? Darkiplier? I wish. I wish we could, but actually... Actually, that... Dark... I want Darkiplier. I can't say that fucking word. I was drinking as I said it. I just fucking threw up everywhere. Oh, God. Darkiplier. Darkiplier. I can't believe I committed so much to just, uh... Oh, God. You know. Oh, God. Believing that... Ugh.

Charlie could ever have the gall to kill a turtle. Do you think dead Nivison could beat Dark Applier? Dead Nivison? Is that my... I feel like we've talked about this on the podcast before. It just stays funny to me. I don't know what to tell you. Oh, God.

That's awesome. Oh, yeah. Well, fuck turtles. Screw the turtles. Don't do that. Screw the turtles. I mean, Hollow Earth is real. We're turning them into straws. That's how we're going to... They should have stayed a rule to improve... You know what we should do, Shled? That gave me an idea. We train monkeys to hunt turtles.

Give him sticks. Have you ever seen that video of the monkey with the gay K-47, the chimpanzee? Yes. That was from Rise of the Planet of the Apes. That was a movie. I know. But I want that to be real, though. I want that to be real. We can make it real. Yeah. I think that that would be a really, really good thing if I just see a squad of chimpanzees on horses.

chasing down turtles as if they even needed the horses because turtles are so fucking slow those dumbasses. And in the ocean. Chimpanzees scuba.

scuba chimpanzees with fucking underwater harpoon guns hunting down turtles you see the fucking the fucking like Australian fucking surfer dude turtle from Finding Nemo like in fear as there's like a bunch of fucking chimpanzees underwater scuba navy seal chimpanzees I absolutely despise this yeah

But yeah, I mean, we're pretty much at the end. We'll see each other next week, guys. Yeah, we'll see each other next week. We'll have a lot more time to talk about this whole turtle debate. I definitely like to talk more. Maybe we'll bring it up with every single guest. Or maybe we don't. I think that we should. I think that we should. I think that would be a really fun sort of consistent question to ask. Oh. It's like, so turtles, straws, bit of an issue, right? But we don't like paper straws, so riddle me this. Get these turtles, turn them into straws.

No more turtles. Where'd they go? Hollow Earth. Easy. The narrative is perfect. I think they should do a quality of life improvement for DoorDash. So if you don't come out and get your food in under five minutes, they can just start eating it on your front porch.

It's like if the teacher isn't here in 15 minutes, you're legally allowed to leave. You have to shoot him away. There was always one kid legally allowed, as if you could take a teacher to court for showing up 16 minutes later and being like, no, no, no.

Hello, I am Maria. You have five minutes. You have five minutes or you have five minutes. I have your daughter.

You have five minutes. My pleasure. My pleasure. My pleasure. Good luck. All right. Well, you have five minutes before the Chick-fil-A sauce reaches her nostrils and she can no longer breathe. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for listening to this episode of the Chuckle Sandwich Podcast episode something. Don't know. Remember the number. I think it's 21. We'll see you next week. We'll probably be in L.A. all together next time you see us.

chuckle week baby hashtag chuckle week hashtag turtles will die all right peace