Post-Apocalyptic Office Sirens
01:04:27 Share

Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.

if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. Um, I think they mean us. Oh, s***. Um...

With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Only on Peacock.

- So Adam's still in Australia right now. - Oh, I know, I can tell by the way you're interrupting me. - Oh yeah, the latency is a little, were you about to say something just now? - It's a little rough, no, it's a little rough. - Oh, okay. - That's all I wanted to say. - I mean, you can tell behind me, I got a green screen. - Sometimes we'll speak at the same time. - Yeah. - And that gets annoying. - We will, it's unfortunate. - 'Cause my audio had,

Because my audio has to go around the world and then it has to get to your ears. And on the other side of things, I also have to say audio that goes to the other side of the world to you. So who's interrupting who exactly? That's the question. Well, you know, you are on the, you're further to that, to that day line. You know, you're like, what are you, 10 hours ahead? I'm 20 hours ahead of you guys right now. 20? Yeah. Yeah.

Bro, that's enough. That feels like enough. Because I'm 17 hours ahead of LA, I believe. No, you're not 20 ahead. Well, because today is the fifth for me. What? No, the time on this is wrong. What the fuck are you talking about?

On this computer I'm on, it's the 5th of January of 2024 for this. What? I don't know why. I don't know why. No, but today I'm in... You guys are currently recording this from April. Am I wrong? We are in April. I'm in May. Right. It's May 1st. It's not January 5th. They just show the date wrong where you're at. So that is actually correct. Oh, you're right. You're right. It's the 5th. He says it's the 5th.

I'm five days ahead of you guys. Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich. You sound congested. You sound, I mean, you're in front of a green screen. Like, the wheels are falling off the train here, man. I've been taking allergy medicine every day, but I'm pretty sure that the Australian environment gives me allergies in some capacity. Yeah, it's harmful. It's like a place that no one should live, you know? No wonder we sent all the prisoners there. There's animals here that move by hopping.

That's weird. That's weird at a base level. Definitely strange. Definitely strange. They've got their own version of Pepperidge Farm. It's called Arnott's. They make shapes, but they also make Tim Tams. Oh, bro. The Tim Tams. It is crazy to me that we don't have those in America. You'd think. They're awesome. They're fucking amazing. Fucking amazing, dude. Since I've been here, I've probably gone through...

a sleeve or two of Tim Tams in different flavors, caramel, double chocolate. They're really good, and I've gained about a kilogram in weight. Yeah.

Or a stone. Do they say stone down there? Is that an English word? No, they're not that weird. Yeah, that's fair. I had an Australian teacher in high school who would bring in Tim Tams every now and then, and he was the talk of the town whenever he brought a sleeve in, man. Where is he getting them from? Those things fucking rock. I don't know. That's a great... I'm pretty sure he's just ordering them online. And you know, you can do that too.

You can do that. You just broke my immersion. I thought this dude was going on safari. Fuck, man. He definitely is just ordering those fucking things on Amazon. Fuck, man. Yeah. But it's because it would. No, but to be fair, it's because it was presented to you by an Australian that added the magic. Yeah, that was magical. It was magical. It was presented to you by someone with the accent. So it was like he made this.

He built this. He built these Tim Tams. Oh, I just found my gamer subs, girl.

- Huh? - Were you missing her? Didn't you bring her out last episode? - I was missing her, she ran away on me. I found her under the passenger seat with a rotting old protein slop in there. - Oh, gross dude. Oh, so you are bringing her to the gym. I remember when I gave that to Tucker. I gave that to Tucker. - The waifu cup? - Oh yeah. - And I handed that to Tucker, I think when we were leaving Austin perhaps. Something along the lines of that. - It came out of Jay Schlatt's cabinet. - I mean, come on.

Look at those badonkadonks, dude. Just soak it all in for a second, Tucker. There you go. Yeah, that is nice. I can't lie. This is what made me my millions, let me tell you. Big tits like this. Wow. You should see the Swagger Souls one, dude. Swagger Souls cups got the tits. Wait, we showed it last time. That's how I remember it.

Wait, I remember he showed it and I was like, fuck, dude, I want that one. Yeah, no, but when I gave that to Tucker, that cup, or he received that cup, I think I had to convince him to take it home with him because he was basically like, dude, I don't know if I can take this to the gym with me. Dude, I don't know. I got a wife. I don't know.

I'm sure Emma was like, I'm sure Emma was like, no, no, she's hot.

They are. They're very hot. Emma's like, if you're not going to use that cup, I'm going to use that cup. There's nothing to be ashamed about bringing a big-titted babe around. That's Max MoFo, dude. Really? Yes. Look at the description. The Max MoFo was a good one. Sorry. My eyes were scared. I had one, too. I had one, too, in RAM form, if you want to look mine up.

Mine resells for like hundreds of dollars, which is something funny that I learned and something that makes me want to make another cup. That's you? Damn, dude. She had big knockers and a big gun. Yeah. Full-size Glock. Yeah, maybe I should make a gamer subs cup. No. It'd make you a lot of money. It'd make you a lot of money. No, think of this. Cute little brunette lady with a knife. With milk? With milk? Oh, my God. And she's like...

You know? She's just like, oh. Or she's got a knife or a bat, and then she's also got glasses like these. That'd kill. Yeah. That would kill. Or we give them the, what's that? There's like this new style that women are wearing. It's called like office siren. Have you seen this? What? No. Yeah, office siren style. What is this? It's basically centered around the glasses that they wear. Look at those glasses.

So this is like having a statement piece on in the glasses? Yeah, it's like these thin kind of like librarian glasses. Something you'd expect like an old, like a shitty old lady to wear, but now it's hot apparently. So this is like a subsidiary of Nerdcore?

No, don't think about cores, dude. Don't get into the cores, you'll get lost in that hole and you'll never get lost. This is office core, right? Is this not just like a subsect of office core when you got the... It's basically, someone will just, the core thing kind of bothers me because it's like, oh, here's a theme. Put core at the end and now it's officially like an aesthetic. Like I could just say chuckle core and...

And then people would be it. Well, if we release merch, this would it would be chuckle core. Yeah. Well, people are now probably going to post stupid things in the subreddit now where they're going to say chuckle core with little sparkles at the end of it. And the fact that I've now called it out makes it show it's going to be a reality now. Or they're going to be like a Twitch chat thing and they're going to do like a like a like a counterculture response to that where they're really like nobody post chuckle core in the chuckle sandwich thing. And then it's going to be like there's going to be two sides.

Do you know what's my favorite social engineering that we ever did on Chuckle Sandwich? Was the Tucker haters, Tucker lovers thing. Oh, yeah. I think that'll exist as long as I'm on the internet. Oh, yeah. No, it's like we just needed... We needed Tucker to be accepted into the podcast and all we did was just say, Tucker haters, fuck you. And now everyone...

And even a peep of someone having a problem with Tucker, people will rip them to shreds like lions. Every first-time chatter on Twitch comes in and mentions that. That's like almost every single person's first-time chat. Yeah, we opened you with love, Tucker, and now you can't even get away from it. Someone's going to come up to you in person and they're going to be like,

I'm a chucker lover. That probably will happen one day. People are going to start thinking that they actually love you. You're going to start getting letters. I'd love a letter. It's going to turn into a problem thing. It's going to be like that show on Netflix. It's going to be like Baby Reindeer. I don't think you want a letter. Why? Have you ever gotten a letter to your house? No, I haven't actually. When Emma and I were dating, we would send a lot of letters back and forth. Yeah.

Oh, that's cute. But like not not like a person you like, like like a person you don't even know letter, like a person who knows you a whole lot. But you have you've never had any correspondence with like maybe like the IRS.

Something like that. I got a letter. I got a fucking letter. You're telling me that audit letters from the IRS to you are considered to be love letters? No, no. I'm saying they're dangerous. They're dangerous. Similar to any Tucker lover or hater that would send you a message. I got a letter from the IRS the other day, actually, informing me of something not too pleasant. I believe it. Is it the thing I'm thinking of? Is it that purchase you made?

No. No, they said you're way fucking behind, Schlatt. Yeah, I owe money from like a while ago, apparently. Have you guys seen that show, though? What? What show? It's called Baby Reindeer on Netflix. When did you bring it? Oh, dude. You know who I heard talking about this? Chris and Pete.

On the Abroad in Japan podcast. Oh, really? Yeah. Pete was talking about it. I've watched that whole show out here. It's a show made by the guy, that man there. He's the actress, but it's also based on a story of a thing that happened to him. The show used to be a play, and it's about this guy's experience with a woman who stalked him for years. And it's really creepy and weird, and it's like...

You could tell it was adapted from a play, too, but it's really good. It's really good. Tucker, I'd say that you toke up some weed and watch that show. You'll be falling into baby reindeer core, and you're never getting out of that stalker core. Is it like a trippy? In the sense of a stalker being a trippy sort of baby. Is this going to make me disassociate for a few days afterwards?

No, no, I don't think so. I got a little fucked up and watched Fight Club. And dude, I wasn't right for like a week. Yeah, it's not that kind of thing where it's like you won't be right for like a week. I loved it though. I believe it. It was fun, but it was scary. Yeah, no, it's more like a thing that makes you question ever being nice to a random person ever again. Dude, I already have that problem. Well...

Yeah, I'm very cynical as well. I'm not really in the business of extending empathy to random people. No, I bought a guy lunch yesterday, a random guy. You did? Yeah. Well, congrats. He came up to me and said, I'm really hungry. Do you have any money? I said, let's get you lunch, buddy. Really? Oh, that's nice. Got him a Pepsi and a slice of pizza.

And then you were like, man, I'm going to love telling this story on Triple Sandwich. Yeah. Cashing in. Make sure you tell that on stream too and say, guys, I gave away some money today. I'm actually short $20. Can we get some subs in here? Let's get some TTS going. Can we get some subs in here? Some postcards going. I spent my time on Twitch shouting you out, Ted. What? Why? I'm like, look what Ted bought me this week.

Oh, you're showing your Kingfisher Lego setup? No, I was showing this. What's that? Oh, yeah. You bought him a lav? A wireless lav? Why? He's got big things in the works. It's because he's a streamer. He streams now. Have you seen? There's an oiler in his chat who gives him thousands of dollars. He could have... SDMP's over, buddy. It's over. It's over.

Is it really? I went away for a week and now it's gone? It's gone. It's gone, dude. Yeah, we're never going to talk about it again. Are we really? Well, I was thinking about streaming it when I... It's dead. Forget it. Awkward. You don't want to play Minecraft with me, Tucker? No, I streamed Manor Lords last night. What the fuck is Manor Lords, man? The world's moving on without me over here. It was the most wishlisted game on Steam. Really? It's a medieval city builder. Oh, well, you love medieval city builders. Who doesn't?

What if they had a supply and demand thing on Steam? I feel like that'd be kind of funny. Well, like the price goes up depending on how many people have a wishlist? No, no, that's surge pricing. Let's make things...

Let's make things sell out. Like there's a game and like everyone wants it and sells out. And it's like, and then the developers are like, guys, we're working on getting new stocks soon. We're got the factories running so hard right now. Manufactured scarcity. Yeah. Well, Nintendo does that. They did that with a Super Mario 3D All-Stars. Like everybody, big collection. It was only out for a year. Like they took it off the store. Can't buy it anymore. Yeah, but Nintendo sucks. Yeah. Yeah.

And everyone hates Nintendo. Yeah. Let's do it in like a cool way that doesn't sound like it's Nintendo. Let's do it in like a, let's do it in like a Nintendo is forcing us to do this. We could use Nintendo as the scapegoat. I'm getting lost. That's funny when Tucker gets lost in certain scenarios. He like starts to dissociate from the situation. What?

Go to your happy place for a happy price. Go to your happy price, Priceline.

I get lost. I get lost staring into my liminal core window that's in my room now.

Is that liminal core? Oh, totally liminal core. What about it is liminal core? Because you're staring into a big blue vast expanse and it's not even real, dude. It's just this portal into a world that is unchanging. I mean, it's just so liminal. It's so nice. And like little kitty, I put up a little heating pad right in front of it. Little kitty is sleeping there. Oh, so they'll want to sit up there. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And they just look out the window, you know, look for a little birdies and stuff. Yeah. But it doesn't move. You should have put a screen behind that. So it does. Yeah. That would have been cool. But screens are weird with cameras. I had a analog TV and my setup for like a month or two. And it would always like, you'd always see the bars and shit. It's about shutter. It's about shutter angle and shutter speed. Yeah. Well, I'm not, that's a little too nerd core for me. I want to stick to liminal core and,

My buddy right here, I mean, he is loving this. And he's incredibly catcore as well. Oh, he's catcore. He's a little fuzzycore tonight. He gets all soft when he's happy. He's like all fuzzy and soft right now. Yeah. My favorite thing is whenever we're talking about some sort of topic core that Tucker doesn't understand, our little cherub will start searchcoring up on Google Core what that thing is.

Say hi! Say hi! Hello, Catcore. That's so cute, Core. That's really cute, Core. That is really cute, Core. Soon he's gonna die, Core, though, and then I'll be sad, Core.

Because he's old. Yeah, deathcore is like the one of the worst aesthetic. How old? He's eight or nine. Dude, you got like 12 more years with him at least. What? No. That dude is one foot in the grave already. Yeah, he does look kind of dead already, dude. No, no, no. Other than the occasional twitch, I don't know if that cat's alive. He's spent like seven or eight years out in the wild.

Bro, straight cats live two to three, usually. You say straight cats? Stray. Oh. As in like the ones that... I just thought maybe you had some sort of info to determine that your cat was gay.

No, he's definitely bi. He mounts Jambo every now and then. He tries to fuck them. Do you pull them apart? No. I let nature do its thing. But neither of them have balls. He smacks them apart with a Bible. That's what he does. No, he'll bite the back of his scruff, of Jambo's scruff, and it's that thing that immobilizes cats.

So Jambaloo just goes, eh, eh, eh. And then he tries to like, I don't know, he just gets on top of him and I have to pull him apart. Does it ever happen the other way? No, no, Jambaloo's not gay. Yeah, no, so he's pretty good. Thanks for asking. Yeah, no, it's a good time. I'm having a good time. I'm going to actually go to a little wildlife park today where I'm going to see it properly. I'm going to see those animals that have...

They've got fucking like an STD, you know what I'm talking about? And they look like that one mascot from that one sports team. Like the Sun Bears or something. Koala. Koala, right. They do look like the Sun. Yeah, yeah, koala. They've got like ecstasy in their eyeballs. Or sorry, no, they've got like an STD in their eyeballs. You know?

Yeah, they do all have STDs, don't they? Yeah, Tucker, look this up. They have STDs. Chlamydia. Oh, I thought you were just making a joke that didn't make sense. No, they got chlamydia. They all have chlamydia. They're susceptible. They're susceptible. 20 to 90% of the population? That's a big spread. It could be basically none, but it might also be all of them.

well you're trying to check how do you even how do you even check bro how many koalas are you trying to check for chlamydia could be only a fifth but it could also be pretty much every koala that's ever lived and they can give it to you yeah chlamydia doesn't it doesn't discriminate yeah very easy to get that that's a crazy good uh that's a crazy good cheating excuse in australia then i bet

I love, no, I didn't cheat on you. I actually went and hang out with a koala the other day. It was a fucking koala, mate. And it gave me chlamydia. Fucking koala, mate. I wasn't fucking another lady. It actually came from a koala that gave me chlamydia. Oh, I've gotten too good at the fucking accent since I've been gone, too. It's like infecting me. You haven't even been gone for very long. It's like, I can't control it, you know?

Like every time, every time something hype happens, I'll be like, oh, I get fucked.

And we're demonetized. No, I only said it once. I said it once and we're far in. We're far in. You can't say that word. I don't know. You can't. We're going to have to censor it. Yeah, no, we'll get demonetized. YouTube hates that word. They really do. Is it on the list? Is it on the fancy list? Okay, so it's counted as that, but they don't... It used to be like right next to the F and the N one. Oh. Like...

Like in terms of like, here's what you really can't say, but no, definitely not. Definitely not. Doesn't half of Europe, and most of Australia says it. Yeah, I mean, I don't think you can sound serious in an Australian accent regardless of what you say. You can't. I went to, I'll talk about the, well, I'll talk about the kangaroos in a second, but the other day I went to an AFL game, an Australian football league game,

And have you ever been to a football game before, Shlatan, in Australia? Like pigskin football or... What do you think it is? Probably pigskin if it's called... I'm wrong. It's like football. It's called football, but it's not American football. No. It's not soccer. It's not rugby. It's not rugby.

It's its own fucking game. Australian football. It's completely different than anything else you've ever seen. They play in a circular, almost a practically circular field. Huh? Whoa. What the fuck is this? I did. I sent you a photo of this. It's crazy. How does this work? So they've got those four poles, which are basically three gates. The middle one, if they get it through that, they have to kick it through it.

And if they get it through that, they get six points. If they get it through the left or the right one, they get one point. And they can also, they can run with it, but if they run for too long, they have to dribble it once. And to pass it to each other, they have to like hold it in their hand and hit it with their fist to send it to each other, I think.

And they, it's kind of constantly moving. The only time you really get like a first down or like a reset is if you kick it and someone down the field on your team catches it, which can be hard. This is crazy looking. And I played, I watched a game of it and it's pretty fucking hype.

It's pretty high and they score high. The scoring, it gets pretty high. It's similar to like the numbers you'd see in basketball. Like the game that I went to, I went to the Geelong Cats. Geelong Cats versus some other team. And it was like 87,000 people in the stadium when we went and saw it. Jesus Christ. They sell hot dogs there? This is ridiculous. This is ridiculous.

The game doesn't stop when someone gets tackled? No, it doesn't. It's like there's only certain scenarios where it stops. It's like very costly moving. The field is like, and when they, the outer circles on it is like 50 yards. These guys are fucking kicking basically 50 yard field goals and getting it through like half the time. Like even to the point where it's like the NFL will bring some of these guys over, but only as designated kickers. Yeah.

because they're so fucking good at kicking these balls. They're great at kicking balls, dude. That's crazy, dude. That would never fly in America, though. You need the game to stop every five seconds just to get your ads in. Yeah. Game can't keep going. It's pretty crazy, though. These guys have to run. Someone was telling me that these guys run an average of 10 miles a game. They are running. Those fields are huge. They're massive.

Bigger than a soccer field, I'm pretty sure. Bigger than a football field, for sure. This just seems like not a sport I'd want to play. It doesn't seem real, yeah. Sounds fun to watch. So they're 200 yards long.

Well, the biggest ones are 200 yards long and 170 yards wide. Oh, this is like baseball where every field is like a different dimension. They're like, ah, we're not standardizing it. It's going to be, you're winging it every time. Yeah, I know. But like these, these, these can be at max sometimes twice the length of a football field. And it was, it was fun though. And everyone, and they'll do the thing like they do in soccer where the guys will, they'll be selling the little beanies and the scarves, you know, that they wear at football games. Hmm.

You know, so everyone looks like they're going to Hogwarts. It's kind of fun. And this connects to, you know, you can't take an Australian voice. Oh, yeah. They also played when we got there. They were playing Sweet Caroline over the loudspeakers. I was like, what am I at a Red Sox game? What the hell's going on? That probably made you feel good. It did. It did. They didn't play. They didn't play Dirty Water, though. So I was hoping for that. But that would that would have been that would have been confusing if they started playing. I would be like, I'll tell you one thing.

Melbourne is very similar to Boston though. You'd probably like it, Tucker. You'd probably like Melbourne. Don't say that. Why? I don't know. They've got a river. They've got a whole river that runs along the city. It's kind of like the River Charles. I'm going to break it to you, Ted. Almost every single city on Earth has a significant water feature. Look at that fucking Reddit post. Look at the Reddit post. Okay. I'm looking at it. Why does Boston look so much like Melbourne, Australia? Literally get fucked immediately from the get-go. Get fucked, Tucker. Get fucked immediately.

Get fucked. Or I might. Get fucked. Get koala chlamydia, mate. Get koala chlamydia. Seattle. Okay, no, just because you literally went searching for something that would tell me the opposite.

Sure, Seattle. But then Seattle also could kind of be similar to Boston, although they don't have like a Pike's Place. Pike's Place is fun. Yeah, that is fun. That's where I got my wallet for several years. I went there after you and I gave them the TED Tour. What do you mean the TED Tour? We went there together for the first time. No, I know. And then I brought a new set of friends and I showed them everything that we went to together.

Oh, you're like me. He brought the real friend here. Yeah, as is true. Yeah, that's something that I like to do. Tucker could back this up. I will do one thing I enjoy and then start bringing other people to do that same thing over and over again because I like it and I want to share the experience with more people. Ted's love language is sharing a memory or experience with someone else.

It is. That's nice love language, though. That's nice. You build up memories, dude. Yeah. I wish that they added it to the list. Memory sharing. Memories are, you know what's great about that? I'm like an Avatar character. I was reading this book not too long ago called Die With Zero, which is a book that rich people read.

when they need to figure out what to do with all of their money, which is an extremely... Oh, yeah. Extremely niche book to read, but... Of which you are reading. Of which I'm reading and enjoying, dare I say. And it framed memories and this idea of, you know, of good times as something that compounds almost like interest or earnings on a stock, right?

Right. Like that. The money, the sooner you had to make it so it made sense to the fucking psychopaths. But it was this really cool, this really cool way of visualizing how something becomes like the earlier you experience things and make those great memories, the more they'll pay off as you remember them into the, you know, into the into the future when your bones don't work as good.

Yeah, that's true. Pretty interesting concept to me. So I've been trying to I've been trying to have more experiences recently. That's kind of like when Tucker and I did the road trip that I've mentioned many times that kind of fucked up my brain for the rest of my life because now I've done seven. Yeah, I keep doing them and I can't stop. I'm going to do one this year, too.

Really? I'm going to do one this year. Yeah. Just for the fucking shits and gigs. I'm not even doing a video for it. Oh, this isn't even the trilogy. Honestly, I'm kind of with you. Yeah? Because we went to Key West this winter and Emma was like, why don't we fly? And I was like, ah! We're going to drive. And then you had a good... And you have good memories from that, surely, too. Surely we do. Surely we do. Surely we do. Yeah, no. So, I don't know. I mean, now I can say that I've seen a lot of...

a lot of the United States and I can name all of the states. I can't say that I've been on a really long road trip. I'll take you. Shalit, you should do a road trip of large length. I know, but I, you know, man, why wouldn't you turn it into content? You know, that's what would be on my mind the whole time. I've got the brain rot, man. I've got the streamer brain rot. I have like literally like 300 gigabytes of footage from our first road trip.

that I did with Tucker. I was videoing the whole thing. I was doing this grand fucking video before I really understood how to make a video. And it was just like... That was way too big of a project for your skill set at the time. Yeah. No, it wasn't. It was, it was. But I think that someday maybe I'll collect all of that footage and make like a cool road trip that shows all of them because I've been taking footage on all of these trips. And I have a lot of this footage...

from these trips saved. You know, I keep them on drives and stuff and we've got the one from 2016 there too so it'll just kind of... Because Tucker, we got to do another one before you go fuck off and have a kid or some shit. You better get busy then, dude. That's so silly when people say that they're trying for a kid. That's just like, yeah, no, we're fucking all the time.

Yeah, no, we're fucking all the time. Like you say that a family dinner. You say that at dinner at a family dinner. And it's like, no. Oh, you're just having sex left and right. And then everyone's like, oh, wow. It's exciting. Oh, cool. Cool. You guys want to share what position? Like apparently there's a there's different positions you could do to get a boy or a girl. Which one for a boy?

I don't know. There's a lot of fucking girls in our family. Too many. Too many. Too many girls is not good. I mean, you need a bunch of boys to carry down the family tradition. Yeah, who am I going to give my stuff to when I die? Not a daughter. Not a daughter. She won't want your guns or your airplane models or anything like that. Those are all boys. That's all boy shit. Oh, by that point, I'll have a real airplane. Is that your plan to have a real airplane? Yeah.

Is your plan to not have one? I don't know. I just didn't plan on being that level of rich. Yeah, it feels like a lot of maintenance to do. I think the maintenance would be fun. Get like a vintage, like a PBY Catalina. You'd do the maintenance yourself. You gotta search these things up and show them to us, Tucker, because you can't just name drop. You gotta just be like, oh yeah, the PBY Catalina. Yeah, no, that's the point I like.

Oh, like a death trap. Like a sea plant. That thing will kill you, absolutely. And I bet it costs millions and millions of dollars. Nah, dude, I'd be landing on lakes up in Alaska fishing off the wing. Yeah, I'm sure you're going to be landing that thing in the lakes of Alaska. I'm sure. I'm sure that'll be very fun and give you many, many thorough hours of good flight. I will say, though...

In my apocalyptic wet dream, Tucker will be that guy covered in oil that I'll say,

It's good to see you, Keane. And he'll slide out from under it. And then we'll clasp hands like that. And he'll be like, what do you need from me? And I'll be like, I need to get to Russia. And it's like, you know, we're going on a whole journey. And I'm like, all right, I think we can do it. We got a big storm surge coming in, but I think I can do it. We'll fly below it. It's going to be rough. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm the hero in that story, though. Tucker's my little cherub still. Well, that's your story. But he's like my rough and tough cherub in this scenario. And then we find Schlatt, and he's in Russia somehow. And he's got like two smoking Russian ladies on him, and he's smoking a cigar. Yeah. And he's sitting on a throne of cash, respectfully. They look like the girls on the GamerSupps cuffs. Yeah.

Let's go. Let's go. He's sitting on a... Oh, yeah. I don't know why we're going to Russia, but he's sitting on a throne of rubles. They're worth nothing at this point in the Russian economy. Dude, I don't think they're worth anything now. Well, they're not. But Russia is like... At this point in my wet dream, Russia is like...

you know, they're no longer, they don't even, they're, they're nukes or dust. You know, they're, Russia is a hub of fucking, of bouncing fucking Russian music in the clubs. See,

seedy bars and the black market. And we're going there because we need to find a contact who's going to help us figure out how to stop whatever is going on. I'm lost again. Yeah, you lost me on that one too. Completely lost. Oh, but you were totally...

You were totally locked in for the fact that we had to fly to Russia and the fact that Schlatt was sitting on a throne of rubles? You were locked in for that part? Well, you were just describing Russia. There was nothing apocalyptic about it. It's like black market, rubles aren't worth anything, we're going to nightclubs. That's just how it is. Well, no, no, no. Because the apocalypse just started. The apocalypse just started. There's zombies in the south. It started in Brazil.

- Uh-huh. - Zombaboggle is gonna start anywhere. It's gonna start in Rio de Janeiro. - Oh, like that game. - What game does it start in Rio de Janeiro? - The parkour game. - Was that in Rio? - Yeah. - No, that-- - Dying Light, Dying Light. - Dying Light was not in Rio. - Oh. - That was in like Eastern Europe. That was in like Turkey. - I think it was in Western Europe. I think it was in like Portugal.

Oh, yeah. I used to... That was the video game that Pyrocynical was playing for his 250K special. Dude, I fucked... Dude, I got you so good. I got you so good, Tucker. Shut up. Just shut up. Dying Light takes place in the fictional city of Haran, which is located in Turkey. In Turkey. I nailed that. I think we're going to have to cut that. No, Emma, keep it in. Keep it in. Keep your husband humble, dude. Jeez.

Yeah, no, that was great. Shry, what were you saying, though? That was the first thing, like Pyrocynical? Yeah, Pyrocynical was playing Dying Light for his $250,000. Man, you remember that? Yeah, yeah, no, that was... So, guys, we did it. Crazy how old that is. Yeah. Jesus Christ. When was this posted? Nine years ago. Nine years ago?! Oh, my God. What the fuck, bro?!

So, okay. So Schlapp would get a plane. No, Tucker would get a plane, a sea plane that can land in Alaska and he can help with the apocalypse. It starts in Rio de Janeiro. Okay.

And Schlatt, would you get a plane? I've held this opinion since as long as I've been having conversations about apocalypses. I'm out. I'm out. No, we're just talking about what we would get at the end of our lives. I added the whole apocalypse scenario to Tucker's plane idea. I pulled the trigger and give myself a bullet. I don't want to stick around for this. No, pretend the apocalypse doesn't happen. You don't need to kill yourself, man. Okay. I don't need to kill myself? Take the apocalypse out of the scenario.

Tucker was just initially talking about how he would get a seaplane so he could work on it, like a little gear head. You are not going to do your own maintenance on a plane. That's absurd. I think you'd be surprised how much maintenance Tucker does on his own car. I just don't know about if I'd trust yourself to do maintenance on a plane. That's kind of like in a different class than a car. Not a radial engine. A radial engine is fairly simple.

It's not a jet or a turboprop or anything. I'd be comfortable doing work on a car because at least I'm still on the ground. Yeah. With the plane, it's like, okay, something goes wrong. It's like, well, shit, I'm in the sky. That's a worse place to be when things go wrong. No. Generally. Never want to be at the mercy of God's green gravity. Underwater's worse.

Underwater is the worst place to be. That's true. Okay, so the tier list is submarine, as we've learned. Spaceship. Spaceship worse. The spaceship might be S+. No, I think underwater is worse. You think? Is that a personal opinion or are you thinking about the situation? Because if a spaceship goes wrong... More people have drowned than died in space. Well, I know, but if a spaceship goes wrong...

That's because there's more people on Earth than there ever, ever been in space. If a spaceship goes wrong, not only are you in space, you're also not on Earth. That's like taking the plane thing to the next level. No air. You can't even go outside. No air is bad. No air. Had it explode if in space. Tucker's just like, I just...

If I held my breath really hard, I think I could get to Earth. I think I could swim back to Earth through space. This must be how you guys felt when I said I could kill a police dog with one well-timed kick. Yeah, dude. This is how I felt when you said that. Oh.

I was like, dude, those things are, those things live for blood. Those things, those things have a one thing in mind. That's why, that's why Huskies are such terrible pets to have is because those are dogs that were bred for literally just tugging on a line for eight hours. And that that's like, oh, why is it? Why does this dog have behavioral issues? Cause all he wants to do is just fucking pull dude. He just wants to pull. Yeah. So yeah, no, the police dog, you'd find you get fuck shot.

No, no, absolutely not. That's a good video right there. You put on the suit for training them. Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah. Okay. The original argument about the police dog thing was one police dog versus you or you versus like 10 feral cats, right?

And the cats are going to shred you up way faster than the, like you could get lucky against a dog. 10 of those cats, they're all faster than you. They all got vicious claws. They will turn you into mincemeat way quicker than a dog's will. I just think that the stomp capability of me is so much higher with a cat

than it is with dog. - Stop 10 of them? Who are all digging into your arms and extremities and hanging off of you? Because they will do that. - I just think that you could break a cat's neck with your hand though. - Okay, and now there's nine others.

Who have all caught up to you at this point. You got to catch that back there. So that when you felt it's bone structure, would it be wrong to assume that you could you could go like that and just go like that and fucking break its neck? No, you could do that. You can. Yeah, I could totally kill him. I think I could do that 10 times a lot quicker than I could fight a fucking golden retriever with a 291 PSI bite. You'll get through. You'll get maybe two of them.

But then there are still eight cats that are on you. Like this isn't something you're bleeding. Your skin is literally being ripped and shredded off of you. They will fuck you up, dude. Here's the thing, though. Whenever you get scratched by a cat in your situation, the whole and you know,

Now that I've had days living with cats, you know, half the reason why the cats are damaging you is because they're damaging you because they're a fucking asshole and you don't want to hurt them back because then they're going to give you some sass later and they're going to start treating you worse. It's an abusive relationship. If I've got no emotional connection to the cats, cats are dying by the bushel.

Dude, I'm telling you, you are going to be in such intense pain. Like you are not, you're going to get through maybe three or four and they're still going to be attacking you at full force. And you're like, what, how? I can't, I just can't do it. It's too much. It's just epidermis damage though. The dog can break your arm with its, with its bite. It will never get to me. Okay. Well, that's not what we're talking about.

All I need is one kick. I got to you. Okay. One kick. Yeah, yeah. No, so this is what I was going to bring up, Schlatt. You can't simultaneously say this about the dogs, but then we have the footage of Tucker coming after you like a rabid wolf. I'm not going to kick Tucker. Why not? Okay. Hey, guys, by the way, my merch is coming out. It should be out by the time this episode releases. It comes out, and if it's not, May.

Seventh is when this shit drops. It says love you to death on it. Cool. Cool. Love you to death on the back. Some of it. Emma, put it up on a screen, baby. Head dot store, baby. Ted dot store. That's very cool. That's good. Dog kicking clothing. You know, you blend in a little bit. It's very earthy.

If you need to fight a dog, yeah. Yeah, what's the little slogan on the other piece? Kick you to death? No, love you to death, man. Love you to death. Love you to death. Love you to death. That's good. But I forgot to mention because I was going to talk about it. Saw. Kangaroo. Sorry, latency.

Slow down my thinking speed. Yeah, 20 minutes. No, no, because I had to connect the Tucker's brain to remember it because he was holding it for me. No, I saw a kangaroo off the side of the road. I haven't seen. I'm going to a sanctuary today to see one for real and get up and personal with it. Right. Maybe rub my eye against a fucking koala. But I was driving back.

From this very beautiful view over it was like the 12 apostles is what it's called in Australia. And off to the side of the road is a kangaroo. He's just looking like he's waiting to cross the street. I'm like, damn, dude. So they're like the deer. They're like the deer of Australia. Yeah.

Was he like was he stopped like almost like deer in headlights? No, he was just he was like that He was just like he was just kind of like watching the car go by smoking a cigarette, dude Dude they're cool though, and it was it was very surreal seeing one of those Australia or Kangaroo crossing signs - those are cool I want to steal one of those but I don't think the customs would let me take that cuz yeah, you're definitely taking this So where'd you get that?

I fucking found it. Dude, what's it to you? They have these in America too. How do you know this is... We got kangaroos in California. Somebody in Texas surely has a ranch full of kangaroos. Oh, absolutely. And these guys are really similar to deer in a certain sense because they eat them. They don't have antlers. You think a deer or a kangaroo would win in a fight?

I mean, if you took off the head of a kangaroo and you put it on the body of a deer, you'd probably think it was still a deer. Yeah, they got similar skulls. That's true. That's true. But these fuckers stand up. Yeah, they do. And they bounce everywhere. But they... You think that's just going to show up? No way. What? Whoa.

What's a wallaby? I don't know if a wallaby is a deer. Okay, now we're looking up a wallaby. That's just a mini kangaroo. It's just another kangaroo. Well, that's what a deer skull looks like, though. It's similar? They're pretty similar. Similar head. Yeah. I feel like the kangaroo's method would just be to jump and kind of angle the legs outward and try and kick him whilst in midair, try and connect with the face. Similar to how my strategy would be with the police dog.

Yeah, well, kangaroos have a very specific strategy with dogs. Did you know this? Oh, they drown them. Yeah, they go. They drown dogs. That's like their main thing. Look up, look up. Why do kangaroos drown dogs? And that's like an actual question. Why are they doing that? The fucking kangaroo who's got the guy's dog by a chokehold. Yeah, he's just...

Yeah, have you seen the one where he punched the kangaroo, Tucker? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and the kangaroo's like, all right, all right. Dude, yeah, they really, look at, he's posting up right now with that dog. They, like, have such crazy, like, a peck stance that's just, like, insane. It literally looks like a roided-up dude. Dude.

Just like some big dude. He's like, what the fuck just happened? That guy did that like that was just like a normal occurrence for him. He's like, oh, fuck, I gotta deal with this fucking asshole again. Yeah, because apparently they have like little talons in their legs too where they can like, they hold on and then they try to like scratch with their little legs. And disembowel you. Yeah, no, it's fucked up. It's fucked up, but...

They eat them here. They have like a whole thing where they give licenses to farmers because they, you know, kangaroos are their main habitat, I believe, is like open kind of areas. And obviously farms are big open areas. So they let them, the farmers just fucking shoot kangaroos. There's a lot of them here.

And they have kangaroo meat. And I really want to try some, respectfully. I want to try some kangaroo. Respectfully. Sorry to any kangaroo watching. Yeah, sorry to any kangaroo chucklers that we have on the podcast. You should try some. Oh, speaking of chucklers, though. Did you see that Reddit post about a couple that got married because of Chuckle Sandwich? What? What?

Yeah, there is. They matched on Bumble and they and they were this is like a recent one. Yeah. And they fell in love due to a shared interest in Chuckle Sandwich because like one one of them opened, I guess, with the fucking unlimited bacon question.

As like a, which is, by the way, a ridiculous fucking opening line when you're, you know, when you're trying to. You're going to go through a lot of people trying to find someone who will respond to that. This guy says, all right, would you rather have unlimited bacon but no video games or games, unlimited games but no games? And then they're also talking about Tito's is the best vodka. And then the person replied, Tito's is favorite puppy, you know?

So they were a lot. This is how chucklers flirt and it results in marriage. No, but honestly, I'm very happy for these two. I guess they got a date. They're getting married. Got engaged because of Chuckle Sandwich on the Chuckle Sandwich subreddit. R slash Chuckle Sandwich. You can share your marriage stories because of Chuckle Sandwich. Someone made some kind of monkey out of my socks also on the Chuckle Sandwich subreddit.

Yeah. Somebody stole your socks and they made a monkey out of it? No, not my socks. Like the socks I gave people who bought the schlanket. Oh. Someone turned it into like a monkey and it was... A monkey? That's awesome. I kind of had to double take. Yeah. There it is. Whoa. The schlock monkey. Look at this. That's kind of fun. That's incredible. That's really awesome. They must be very good at sewing. Yeah. I...

I told them that I wouldn't tell you this, Schlatt. I made a promise that I wouldn't tell you I made this. But I was at DreamHack Australia the other weekend, last weekend, and I met the person who made the original schlanket design. Really? Yeah, they were doing like an art stand and they recognized me and they were like, I made the original schlanket. And they were like...

It was just funny. I don't know. It was like I met the founder of that whole ordeal for you. Were they upset at me? No, they weren't. No? No. Fair enough. I mean, to be honest, their schlanket was the only one that got delivered for a very long while there. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, dude. It took, I don't even remember. I'm just so glad to be done with the whole ordeal, but people got their shit like a year late.

Yeah, that's always the worst too when it's like something out of your control where it's just like there's no, it's just like they're just not doing it and like you would pay money to like have it get to people sooner and it just doesn't. And that's what I had to fucking do because it was clear that they were not going to deliver all the blankets that had been ordered and they hadn't paid me for it. So I had to find another merch company and pay out of pocket.

to produce thousands and thousands of these things with an extra bonus because as like a thank you for waiting sorry this was took so long thing i threw in the the schlocks so you never ever got paid by that company for for no wow that's so fucking crazy that's so crazy and it was over six figures to to redo that

That drop. That's crazy. Out of my own pocket. Oh, my God. So I might sell the blanket again. Oh, but with a new company, surely. Yeah, but with the people that actually know what they're doing. Dude, imagine they convinced you back. They're like, no, it's going to be... They said it was going to be better this time. Yeah, this time it's different. Imagine. Fucking A. But yeah, I might relaunch the shlanket for a very limited time soon to recoup...

The insane losses that that whole ordeal put me through. Yeah, seriously. Yeah. But you're over at Ted Neveson. I'm only interested in profit. So make sure to check out Ted dot store. Yeah. For the Ted new Ted merch drop coming out soon. Schlanket schlatt.co. And look at little Tucker. Look at little Tucker wearing his. What's this? What's going on with Tucker? This was a surprise. My dad sent me this.

He kept calling me. He's like, there's a package in the mail for you. I got a package in the mail for you. Cause he knew that I was using this guy that one of my viewers made me as like my thing. And he, he made, this is embroidered and he had a maid and he sent me a few. That's great for fun. So yeah, that's really cool. Maybe it'll be a real thing one day.

I remember it was like a big deal. Does your dad use a specific company for this? Well, he's used custom-made, but this is a local spot. Oh, a little local thing. That's cool. Because he makes a lot of shirts for his company. Nice, dude. That's sweet. This is a little taste. If you want one, somebody comment and see how many people want one. Yeah. Let's do a poll. Who wants... Which of the three Chuckle Sandwich members... Somebody in chat, make a poll. Yeah.

I could totally fucking kill a dog in one kick. Absolutely. You just have to land it right. Yes, you could not. You could not. Yes, you could, bro. You tripped on rocks and you were... Okay, but there's a really small chance that it works. With the cats, there's not a chance. There's not a chance that you... You can't kill 10 cats at once. You can't kill 10 cats at once. They'll shred you.

No, this is not. I'm not accepting that as proof. I'm not accepting that as proof. No. They're not going to fly into your hands, bro. Like that. Easy. No problem. Dog. That's the dog. Look, see how fast that fucking thing is coming? You just need to get the timing right. I'm telling you. A foot.

Going going straight on that's a head-on collision at like That's so fast. That's going to kill it that will kill it. What if he just bites your foot? No, it won't no because it's the it's the force going this way, dude It's not gonna be over bite that that will fucking kill a dog. Absolutely. I

Dude, I don't know, man. That thing looks crazy. All you need is some good timing, I'm telling you. All you need is some good fucking timing. This guy, you could kill easy, but 10 of him? 10 of him's a different story, right? Like that. Boom. Right, buddy? You want to say something to the... I don't even know. Like, that thing's going down quick. Or I grab one cat and I start swinging it around, using it to hit other cats. No, I'm telling you, they're going to be hanging off your body. While with my left hand, I'm going grabbing them.

When a cat, when you get those stray cats, their nails are long as fuck. They're optimized from birth to be killers. Optimized from birth? What do you put them in a vat? They will be fucking hanging off of you. That's what you don't understand. Like, that's how sharp they are.

Hanging off of you. No, and it's not that easy when you've got ten of them doing it. I think the comments should debate this. I think the cats, ten feral cats will kill you more certainly than one attack dog. I think I'm certainly gonna be, no, because here's the thing. You get lucky, bro. The presence. You time it. All you need is the timing. All you need is the timing. With the cats, there's no timing involved. What do you think I was doing there? What do you think I was doing there? Okay.

I'm timing it right. They were all jumping and I was timing it. And I'm snapping their necks. Like, no problem, dude. No problem. No way. You sure? You sure? Give me. Okay, fine. We'll settle it this way. I'll get an attack dog. You get 10 feral cats. Okay. We bring them to chuckle week. Okay. We put our, we go to the fucking Staples Center or whatever. Yes.

I don't want to be part of this experiment. No, we're going to put our money where our mouths are. I get the 10 feral cats. You get the 10 feral cats and I get these 10 feral cats. I get to go. You get to go. Huh?

as it's biting your arm tearing up a kick and you know what if i connect that thing is dead and what if you miss your kick though that's the thing you gotta be good you gotta get the timing right but there's no luck in the cats there are there are 10 of there are 10 cats that are just fucking you up bro they're just fucking you up

There's no timing. You can't time a kick that kills 10 cats. They're not going to jump into your hand so you can snap their necks as easy as that. It's just not going to happen. Nope. Won't be that easy. Nope. Won't be that easy. Won't be that easy. See, he's getting upset. He's getting upset now. He's getting upset. I don't like when he gets upset because he opens his mouth and I think he just heard what you were saying about the cat thing, you know? Yeah. I just think I could do it. Tucker, what do you think? What do you think is more likely?

10 cats is easier to kill than one German Shepherd. Nope. Yeah, dude. It's 2v1 and I got a United States Marine on my side. I'd never kill the cat or a dog. Never.

But I would. Why are you bringing that up like it's like a... One good kick, Tucker, is all you need, dude. Why are you bringing that up like it's like a showing of your honor here that you've never killed a cat or a dog? Have you killed a cat or a dog? No, I haven't. Nobody's done it. There is no possible scenario in which my foot in a well-timed kick connecting to a dog's face does not kill that fucking thing! Kill!

KILL! DEAD! I think that Schlatt thinks that dogs are made of paper mache. I got the steel toe, bro! Yeah, I think if you kicked a dog in the head it wouldn't even- That's where all the dog is, dude! That's where all the dog is?

Oh, that's where all the dog is. That's where it all is, man. You're fucking up everything that's vital. Cincinnati dog slop in there. Just telling you, man. I got my steel toes on size 13, mind you. You don't wear a size 13. He's 6'3". Of course he's got size 13 shoes.

Shut up, Dad. Shut up. Get fucked, man. Get fucked, Mr. 511. Yeah. Wow. 511. Yeah. Yeah. Almost there, but no cigar. Almost there. No cigar. Almost there. So close. So close. I've gotten the terms with it. Go and see my app. No, I have.

I have. To argue so strongly that he's come to terms with it seems like maybe you haven't. No, I have. I have. Trust me. Well, thank you everyone for listening to this episode of

Chugging cool time. I'm going to be in the comments debating people. Yeah, let us know in the comments what you think. There's no shot that thing lives. Listen, it's like you ever play Super Smash Brothers, Ted? Yeah, no, on occasion. I'm usually taking Tucker to fucking church. The batting practice challenge where you swing the bat at the sandbag right at the right time. Home run contest.

You get that sound effect. That means you got the critical hit on and the thing just fucking flies. Yeah. It's like that with my 13 size Timberland boot steel toe. That thing is. Oh yeah. But that's a sandbag that's standing still. Not a rabid dog coming at you. That's why I'm saying you have to get the timing right. It's like that. Oh, this is sick. This is Jesus. Incredible. That dude.

Oh, that's my foot in front of a German shepherd. That is Ganondorf. I'm saying it does not stand a chance. That's where the whole dog is. It went around the world and the dog won. And that's what's going to happen to you, Schlatt. Yeah. Yeah. He's going to hit a well-timed kick and the dog is going to like go like this. This is it. It's going to be terrifying for Schlatt. Schlatt's going to hit the dog in the head. It's going to go like this. It's going to hit in the head. It's going to go like this.

And then it's just going to fucking go after you. It won't. It does not do that. I promise you. I promise you it does not do that. Could so easily kill that. Let us guys let us know in the comments what you think. Thanks for listening to this episode of Charles Sandwich. I'll be back in America next week. Thank God. Back in town. And you know what? If the kick doesn't work, at least it buys me a couple seconds to run into traffic because dogs don't look where they're going when they're chasing you.

You're just weaving it out of traffic. That thing can't fucking, it doesn't even think about cars in that moment. See you guys later next time.