Our Viewers Sent Us The Strangest Confessions...
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Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.

if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon, spend less, smile more. - This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. - I think they mean us. - Oh .

With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Only on Peacock. Ted, I'm on my eighth Skeletool from Leatherman. Over how many years? Over maybe two years. I keep bringing them on airplanes and they keep taking them by confiscating them.

At the TSA. That's fair because it's got seven different knives under it. I mean, there's a whole bunch of different uses for this thing. First of all, wrench. It's pretty much everything that you could possibly need in a small little compressed version on how to...

Just take apart an airplane. When I go through, you know, when you go through that thing and it takes a picture of your balls. I just hope that one day it malfunctions or something and I can slip this through because the shit I could do with the fucking skeletal on an airplane. If I get through with this skeletal one day, Ted, I'll send you a secret message. Okay. Will you? A secret message only we will understand.

And once that happens, I need you to short Boeing. Okay. Okay. Yeah. I need a lot of puts on Boeing. Just a whole lot. A lot of puts. He's going to do the greatest. It seems like you've got a community of people that are trying similar things with what's coming out of Boeing recently. It's just falling off of planes lately. No comment. No comment whatsoever.

It's coming off the outside of the plane, too. It's like a wheel will fall off a plane or something. It's like, are you going outside onto the tarmac? You're going to get them to kill me like they did that last whistleblower. Yeah, no, he's totally dead, and it's totally Boeing's fault for that one. They killed him. They killed him. Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich.

Welcome everyone to another episode of Chuckle Sandwich. We got Schlein. We got Tuckle. We got Teddy Boy. And we're here. We're ready. And we're gonna be happy. I gotta compliment it. I gotta compliment it. What do you gotta compliment? That sweater looks really comfy. Oh, you like this? Yeah, I gotta say it. Yeah. Acadia is also a beautiful park. Are you asking me to do a fit check, Schlein? No, no, no, no, no. That's not an invitation. That's not an invitation. Oh, God.

Why was his butt so big? I don't know, dude. That's what I was thinking immediately. Listen, I wasn't going for matchy match because I was wearing a different shirt earlier, but then I put this on and I was like, man, this is going to make Schlatt think it's so comfy. So I put this on. It looks comfy. Thanks. It is. It is comfy. You're at home. Like, why are you wearing jeans and like five pieces of metal on your fingers and sneakers? Because I dress up a little bit for every episode.

Okay. And I've also found that my dick is out. My cock is out. If I lower this desk a little bit, you're going to see something you don't want to see. I take a peek. There you go. There you go. He was talking about me. That's as far down as it goes. Damn. Damn, dude. Maybe next time. Maybe next time. It's breezy in Schlattland there. Yeah. It's breezy down there, dude. It's breezy. It's feeling good. Feeling loose.

how was your week though yeah okay okay what happened what happened to you just kind of drank i was happy we got the last uh drinking episode in though that was fun yeah you know usually when i drink it's just me sitting on my couch watching hermitcraft and then b-dubs is like oh time for another redstone with b-dubs and i'm like great dude

Man. Did that drinking episode kind of start you on a streak for the rest of the week until now? Yeah, it started somewhat of a bender, I'd say. Somewhat of a bender, but I'm getting through it. I'm getting through it. Yeah, what was the height of the bender? What do you think? Do you remember much? No, and I'm probably not going to remember much from tonight either. Oh, okay. That's good. Yeah, no. Audio listeners love you to death. She's getting sloppy with a fucking corona right now. Rock on. Well, well...

Here's the thing. We won't need to use our brains too much today because we're just going to be, well, we're going to use our brains a little bit today. We're going to be answering people though because we're doing another SpeakPipe episode. Because this time around, we're determining for our audience.

If they are the asshole or not. We've done, we've taken from the internet, we sent Tucker out on the internet in the past. But this time, we're seeing what you guys are getting up to and how morally secure our audience is. Because that's sort of something we need to determine. We know that we're paragons of elite moral perfection. Yes, yes. But we don't know if our audience really aligns with that. So if you are the asshole...

You will be banned from listening to this podcast if we determine that. We will ban you. Think about it this way. Reddit has the bottom of the barrel. True. Reddit, you're scraping like that's really as bad as it gets. Maybe. Maybe we'll get some today where we'll be impressed with how scum some of you are. Yeah. I'm actually kind of excited for this. Yeah. Yeah.

Would you agree, though, that if they're full scum, that we ban them? No, we reach out. We reach out and we have them moderate our community. Yeah, we reach out for knowledge on how to make our business decisions. We'll start creating a board of assholes of our Chuckle Sandwich listeners and they will determine the direction of the podcast. Dude, that's sick. Let's check with the board of assholes. Let's see what the assholes have to say about it. Yeah.

We'll always just go in the wrong direction. But we're making sure that we will. But they'll have our business interests in mind and you know that. They will. They'll make us some money. Yeah, because if they are true assholes, they will also at the same time become a shrewd, they'll be a shrewd businessman. Yes. Or businesswoman. Yes, they will.

Women can be assholes too. It's true. They absolutely can. Anyone can be, no matter what gender you are. You can be a real, I mean. Incredibly progressive of you. You can be a real shit person. Even if you are one of those they thems. Yeah. One of them days. One of them. One of thems. If you're one of thems. If you're one of thems. You can still be shit. You can still be a piece of crap.

So hopefully we'll get a particularly awful them, the them, so we can elevate to our board because then we will get diversity points too on our board. Yes, we will. And it will be an asshole, a diverse collection of assholes. And that will be incredible for us. Anyways, Tucker, do you have anything to say for yourself?

After last episode's performance, really? I don't really remember the last episode. Apparently, we asked for drunk life advice. Yeah, that'll be the next drunk episode. Tiger didn't even know what he started listening to. He didn't even know where they came from. So that's...

Interesting, but hopefully Tucker will be a little bit more locked in today. He was giving points willy-nilly away last time to people who didn't even deserve it. No comment. I was the only one who was taking the assignment seriously. Yeah. No one else was ready to hang out, all right?

You were you were fucking hanging out though you hanging out dude. I opened up my collar You know the tie came down. I came with the buttons came with the wrap snacks. You know oh Did you wait? No way you got the Rick Ross? Lemon pepper dude shot everybody

Everybody knows about wrap snacks. Everybody knows about wrap snacks. You're not gaslighting me into this. I've never seen a bag of these things in my life. Tucker lives on the other side of the country. What, you think we're just making these? So you're telling me, Tucker, you walked into the fucking 7-Eleven and they had a shelf full of wrap snacks. Yeah, right in the wrap snacks section. In the wrap snacks section. Yes. I'm at a point in my life where I still go to the grocery store.

I know you have people for that, but take a trip outside once in a while. Okay, okay. Honestly, I don't know if you just have been continuing your isolation since COVID, but wrap snacks have been around for a while. Have they been taken over? These are delicious. This is unironically my new favorite chip. Well, it's always been Tucker's favorite chip. He's talking about when he had it for the first time. It's his unironically new favorite chip. Sweet chili lemon pepper.

That's incredible. What a flavor. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Wrap snacks. This video is not sponsored by wrap snacks though. So wrap snacks, if you're seeing this, you should absolutely sponsor us for, and you should actually give us a wrap snack. It'll be me, Tucker, and Schlatt. Yes. It'd be like chuckle sandwich, mayo,

Mayo mustard we'd have to drop a single with it to like a rap song single. No, it wouldn't be a rap snack Yeah, no, we'll we'll head up and if that's a requirement of for us to have made music We'll hit up a producer. We'll start writing. It'll be we'll each have a verse. Yeah. Yeah. No, it'll be great Anyways, basically you guys sent in your questions your stories on a scenario in which you might have been an asshole so

In reality, we're going to be listening to these. We're going to be using our brains to determine if you guys were or not. You will either be the asshole. It's like an sound. I don't know. Yeah. The goal is to be rich forever. That's awesome. That's awesome. At the top of the Rapsnacks bag, it says the goal is to be rich forever. Just randomly.

Probably a Rick Ross line or something. Probably. But yeah, no, we're just going to get into this. I will say there is one that I think that we should open up with that we got a little bit of a message from our friends from a few episodes back. Someone from Slash Childhood. If you go to the bottom there, if you keep going to the bottom and you click that, you got a little message from some friends. No way. No way. Here we go. Hey. Hey.

It's your Uncle Magic, the hip-hop musician. And Shaquem the Clown. They wrote in? You know why? You know why? Well, Shaquem, they didn't play our clip last week. They didn't play the voicemail that we left for your nephew, Schlatt, on the podcast. You even mentioned how he's a big celebrity now. He's a big celebrity. We were offering to do your celebrity's birthday party. We offered to do a celebrity birthday party for you, Schlatt. Wow. That leaves us one question.

Are we the a-holes for thinking you're the a-holes? Ponder that. Ponder that one. And it's a good question. It's a good question, Slat. Apparently they sent us in a little message.

a couple of weeks ago and we didn't know that Uncle Magic and Shaquem the Clown - We missed the message from Uncle Magic and Shaquem the Clown. Yeah, Shaquem the Clown. Jesus Christ. And now I feel like an asshole. Now I feel like an asshole. They were locked in too. I mean, they'd been thinking about this for a little while

So let this just be our maybe our formal apology to Shaquem the Clown and Uncle Magic. I mean, we love you guys. That's crazy. He put Uncle Magic, the hip hop magician with a C in magic. That's I don't actually remember it being spelled that way. I also don't remember Shaquem being spelled that way either, unless I'm wrong on that. No, no, I don't think so. And also there were definitely two people in that recording and Shaquem

As far as I can tell. Excuse me. I'm pretty sure that Uncle Magic and Shaquem the Clown are different people, Schlatt. I wouldn't go that far. I've never seen the two in a room together. Well, do we need to watch over the commercial again? I'm just saying. I'm just saying. Maybe add this to the Sphinx section where I uncover crazy, mysterious conspiracies. The mystery of Uncle Magic.

just saying are they two people is it one i just think that voicemail was a little bit sketchy yeah a little bit i mean clearly they're it sounded like they were in a car together so clearly they're off doing something but i do really wonder what uncle magic and chuck him the cleaner do are they still in business are they still in business honestly i doubt it i really do doubt it oh what's this he has a

Oh, magician. He's still going. He's still going. He's still, he's got no way. He's still going. What's this? Is this a video? That's oh, it's, it's a picture slideshow. We're getting about a quarter frame. The journey of life. Yeah. This is a really weird slideshow. Oh, kids. He's, he's got new, he's making Tik Toks now. Let's get off of this. Let's do it. We got to move on from this.

It seems that like, well, there he is right now. He seems to have a very interesting haircut where it seems like he has a triangle and the... He's got a triangle on his head. He's got a triangle on his... So awesome.

Was that Mike Tyson? That's incredible. Yeah, no, he's looking like he's doing well. He's really rocking this haircut. It seems like for at least the last year he's been doing this haircut. And he's doing something about bouncy houses. He's offering a $4 special. You still got the bouncy house. You still got the bouncy castle. He's incredible at Photoshop, too. I mean, give your kid a fun-filled birthday party with a state-of-the-art mobile game arcade and cool them down with unlimited snow cones. Well,

Well, I mean... So it's a mobile arcade he's got now. That's pretty cool. That's a pretty good... I mean, I'm wondering about the nose thing that he's got going on. It seems like it's part of his brand. Audio listeners love you to death. He's wearing one of those fake...

noses with like a mustache under it. So do the kids go into the van? That's a great question, Tucker. I think that Uncle Magic pulls up in his arcade van and the children go into it. And they just load up? Load them up! They load up into that van and they get snow cones and video games. And then he drives off with all of them. This isn't even called Uncle Magic. This is called New News...

No, no, yeah, you must have another character. There's a new character involved. Okay, well, that's good. This guy needs to have, like, a work Instagram and a personal one. Yeah, it seems like he's just got, like, a whole bunch of nonsense going on. And he wears that. It's definitely Uncle Magic. Wow. Watch what happened to the coin. Yeah. Look, banished straight from the fingertips. Where the fuck did it go? I don't know where that coin is. That's fucking crazy. Yeah.

And this is Black Magic. He's doing Black Magic now. Literally Black Magic. Click the link below. That audio wasn't even the same. Was he dubbing over? He was dubbing over. All right, let's move on. Let's move on from Black Magic. So we went through these...

All individually, like we did with the Fuck, Marry, Kill one. So we each have ones that we know and love. So, Schlatt, do you have one that you want to open up here? Do you have one in particular that perhaps... I saved a bunch. I didn't put any notes in. Oh, okay. I don't know what any of them are anymore.

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Well, Tucker, why don't you take it away? This one from Zane from Vermont is pretty good.

I think you got it from Vermont. Interesting. Okay. Hi, Chuckle Sandwich Podcast. Hi, Chucker. Hi, Chad. Hi, Schlatt. Okay. Okay. My story is, am I the asshole for breaking my friend's leg? Okay. I was in the third grade. I remember this vividly. I was in the third grade and my friend had never broken a bone yet. And everyone, it seemed like everyone like in our class has broken bones because like

We live in like wherever back town and bone break Tennessee stupid So my friend has never broken a bone and I had broken a bone like a couple months before that so you're gonna haze your friend He came to me begging to help him break his bone. What we were little third graders We couldn't figure out how to huh? It almost feels like an unreliable narrator. That's be speaking right now should get into a tree and

And shake the tree very hard to make it seem like it wasn't, like, on purpose that one of us accidentally falled out of a tree. And so my friend climbed up in that tree, and I shook that tree as hard as I could until he fell. And he ended up breaking his arm, like, a little more than we planned it. But...

What the fuck do you mean more than we planned it? And he got very angry. He still talks about it to this day. He thinks it's funny, but he still talks about it. He's still angry that I helped him actually break a bone. So am I the asshole for doing what my friend said? This is interesting. I almost don't believe that this narrator is telling the truth in terms of like their friend came and begged them to...

Please, I want to break my arm so badly. You know, I'll give you some perspective on this because I broke a bone in middle school. And you know what it was? There's something that you might forget about. You might forget about this when you're 25 years old. Back in the day when you broke a bone and you...

You got into school with that broken bone. You came with a nice colored cast. Yeah. And a Sharpie. And you know what you did? A Sharpie. You brought around a Sharpie. And everyone would sign the cast and draw little cock and nuts on your cast. That's what they did to mine.

And it was a fun time and you felt cool because also you, in some cases, you got to leave class early. They had to give you more time to like get to the next class, stuff like that. Oh, it's a good time. Of course, if everyone else broke the bone, a third grader would want a broken bone. Yeah. Okay. That's fair. Third grade is very young. Yeah. That's like what? Eight? Eight years old? Eight. Sometimes nine. I can't imagine an eight-year-old would be smart enough to think that they wouldn't want their bone broken. Yeah.

You got something to say, it looks like. Yeah, I feel like this, the narrator is like omitting a lot. I feel like she was probably like, oh, you haven't broken a bone yet? That's really lame. Like, you're kind of a loser until you break a bone, you know? So you think that they were friends with this person and they were like, you're the only person in school that hasn't broken a bone yet. Yeah, and they're like, what if I just like pushed you out of this tree? Like, I could do it. It'd be easy. Yeah.

Yeah, honestly, the way that you're describing it in the conversation. I could see my third grade self convincing someone to let me push my degree. Yeah, yeah. Hmm.

I've never broken a bone. Then you just wouldn't get it. You wouldn't get it. I guess I'd have you both broken a bone. I broke my big toe. Broke my son. That barely counts, Tucker. I cracked a rib once and my parents let me buy a bionicle. That was a big deal. I was like, I'll do this every, every month. How'd you crack a rib? I, uh, I like flew off the swing backwards. I don't know. I wasn't a coordinator. I wasn't a coordinated kid.

Yeah. And then I know that your hand got broken by me during baseball that one time. Yeah. And you ran out to center field. Yeah. But what was the other time that you broke your bone? Oh, dude, we talked about this on the pod. This was maybe a year and a half ago or maybe even less. I broke my toe. Oh, yeah. I walked into my couch at a walking speed and it shattered. Yeah.

Damn, dude. Yeah, that sucked. That's hilarious, though. No cast for that either.

Wasn't very funny in the moment. Yeah. Or for the months after. I can imagine. Yeah. But it's okay now. I can walk. But you haven't, you haven't broke, none of us has broken any like major extremities. Like no like straight forearm or leg or something. No. I can't imagine breaking a leg, dude. Nothing's sticking out. That would fucking suck, dude. Yeah. I would hate that. Yeah, that would suck. That would suck. I would say, no thank you if I broke my, if I broke my leg, I'd be like, nope.

I think a finger is one of the best things to break. Something that, you know, maybe a finger on the non-dominant side. It was my left thumb that I think that I got busted up and it was tough to write. And that's actually when I learned to noob tube on Modern Warfare 2.

Because I couldn't aim right with the sticks. So I just got really into using the grenade launcher because it was so overpowered. Yeah. And you just like were able to just kind of like rotate as best you can. I had five one man army classes. Yep. And they all had the fucking SCAR-H noob tube on them.

That's how I got into it. Yeah. I became a real fucking shithead during those couple months. Wow. And the rest is history. The rest is history. So thanks for that. You're welcome. Not the asshole. Not the asshole. Third graders will be third graders. You both are probably stupid as fuck. Yeah. I would say that there's no asshole shit going on there. That's just how society works when you're a child.

Yeah. Everybody sucks here. What? Oh, yeah. Everyone's an asshole. Everybody sucks here. Oh, that's what they say. I just read that as esh. Yeah. I didn't know that was like a... Yeah, because they put E-S-H and I'm like, esh? What is esh? No. Okay. All right, here's Wisehat. Like three weeks ago, I was in science class and I realized that the night before, I forgot to charge my computer.

And I open this up to take this quiz that we have, and it is dead. It's 0% dead. Zero. And my friend, he's got his computer plugged in, and I go over to him. I unplug it, and I say, I need this more than you do. I'm sorry. I plug mine in. He has 3%. He has 3%. Three is greater than zero. Three is greater than zero, okay? Three is greater than zero. He has 3%. The quiz is five minutes long.

Who am I? Get his charger, plug it in, and he gets over me. He, like, grabs my arm as hard as he can and says that I don't need it as much as he does. And I'm like, dude, I have zero. You have three. And I was, like, the rest of that week. This seems like it just happened. Dude, any good friend should let me use the charger. That's like a rule. The lower the percent you have, that's the one that gets to use the charger.

And he claimed that 3% wouldn't last five minutes, which is a lie. Okay, bye. I feel like it might last five minutes, but you should have your computer charged. Why don't you have a charger? Second question. Where's your charger, brother? Third question. Why are we doing quizzes on laptops?

Shit changed so quickly, man. I feel like an old man. What do you mean you're in science class and you're doing a quiz on your laptop? What do you mean by that? We didn't have Chromebooks in high school? No. What? No. They didn't roll in the fucking Chromebook cart? Fuck no. You had Chromebooks in high school? Nope. I thought we did. I think that was for the special ed classes. Ted, what?

I have bad news for you. I swear that they had like some sort of laptop cart. You might have been in the special ed class. How did this turn into this? I swear that there was a cart that they would roll in and it would like had laptops or something. They'd roll in the laptop cart to your class? Maybe I'm thinking the alpha smart cart. Oh.

Oh, that's an old one. What is going on? That's an old one. An AlphaSmart card. Did you ever hear of the AlphaSmart? We talked about AlphaSmart on the podcast. AlphaSmart? No. Barely a laptop, dude. Literally just a fucking calculator. It was like a calculator for words, basically. Yeah, it was a keyboard with a little calculator screen that went along the top of it. And we had cards of those in elementary school. Yeah. Yeah.

That's sad. I swear there was some sort of Chromebook cart. Yeah, no, Ted's right. There was a cart, but I never really... Why are you just really lying? We call that gaslighting, Tucker. That is gaslighting. Gaslighting gatekeep girl boss. That's my whole life.

Rap Snacks. Dude, Rap Snacks. Gax like Gately. Keep Girl Glocks. Rap Snacks. I know. We would get like a little. They were terrible. They were terrible computers. But, you know, there was like a cart that they'd roll in and they were all kind of like charging off of one thing. It was like a hub. It felt like the engineering to make that cart was.

was more engineering that went into the actual Chromebooks themselves because you'd get a Chromebook and it would be like, so there would always be seven kids that already had, like the Chromebook wasn't working properly. Dude, those classes were great because it just derailed itself. Yeah. It was like, ah, my computer's not working. And it was like, it's like, all right, we are not getting this done. Yeah.

I think everyone sucks here, including whoever is letting these children bring in laptops to that class. Yeah. Because let me tell you, it was frowned upon to have... It was allowed to have your laptop. They didn't roll in the fucking Chromebook cart and then everyone started foaming at the mouse for a fucking Chrome OS. But...

In high school, most people wrote with pen and paper. And the people who had laptops in class to take notes, let me tell you, they were not fucking doing shit. So wait, they let you bring in your personal laptops into class in high school?

Yes. Dude, that's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy? Instead of rolling in the Chromebook cart? Okay, well, you got to understand how the Chromebook cart works, all right? It's not like they're rolling in every class. It's like today's Chromebook day. We're all collectively... Chromebook day? They're not saying that specifically. Chromebook day. Okay. Apparently, I'm talking myself into a hole right now. Hey, kids, it's Chromebook day. Okay.

oh bro imagine getting excited for chromebook day and here comes google santa no so it would be like we oh okay we're all gonna like we're all splitting into groups or something we're gonna do research on some fucking annotated bibliography bullshit like and we get the laptops to do that or something like that in college yeah you can bring your laptop to class

And there have been so many times, especially in the later end of my college experience, that I was just working on video ideas when I was in the back of my fucking... Oh, yeah, dude. When I'm sitting in the back of my shamanism and Eastern religion class. Yeah, I'm on Discord. In my easy college courses, I was writing ideas down for the weekly slap. Like, I'd straight up just, like, write, storyboard out the whole video. Some of my best work happened in the back of a class. Some of my best work happened avoiding other work.

Call it old fashioned, but I genuinely believe that bringing electronics into a learning environment is one of the biggest mistakes our society has ever made. Let's stick with the projectors that just you switch it on.

And it had the mirror, you know, the mirror that projected it into the wall and it was black and white. And the professor had to put a new sheet of paper on it. Yeah, dude, that's what we're... Smart boards were like the top there. Smart boards were crazy, dude. And they never worked. Did you have smart boards, Tucker? No, they never worked. Yeah, whenever I come across a smart board at school now, it's like, oh...

I'd rather just have a whiteboard, man. Yeah, because they're as thick as a CRT TV. Thick and laggy. Dude, when the teacher would draw a circle and then a second later you'd see it be drawn, that was the beginning of the end, dude. Smartboards. Dude, we really have gone downhill. Kids can't even read now. Yeah, no, they can't.

I still don't understand that whole fucking thing with it. So I was actually looking into it a little bit. Apparently there's like this like movement towards teaching kids whole word reading. Now, I don't really know how I learned to read.

I know that I can, but I don't know how I totally learned. I knew that phonics was a thing that we did, but I'm pretty sure that the way that we learned to read, at least the three of us was that it was like portions of the word were used to break down. Like you break down. So for future words, you didn't know. It was like, okay, well, how do I break this down? I guess nowadays we said, we said, sound it out. Yeah. Nowadays they're teaching like a whole word reading thing where it's like you learn the whole word. And I'm like, how the fuck are they going to learn a new word?

If they only know, they're only getting like a fucking selection of words that they individually learn. I don't know. I'm not an educator. I'm not an educator. I just feel strongly about Chromebooks and you should not be having quizzes in class on a laptop. That feels perverse. Perverse. Yeah. Perverse. Perverse. Here is Astrid.

Am I the asshole for dropping a friend with a chat GPT generated message? So I need to stop being friends with this person. This is a recent problem too. For my own reasons, you know. And so I had chat GPT generate a message because I did not want to ghost them.

And it said, living in Bikini Bottom has been a whirlwind of adventures, but lately I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. I need some time in my own pineapple to catch my breath and find my sea legs again. It's not about you, it's just me needing a break. Let's dial down the Krabby Patties and jellyfishing for a bit. I'll catch you on the flip side when I'm back to full Spongebob mode. Take care.

So you're an asshole. A couple questions. Some other stuff that I said. This person's an asshole. I didn't want to ghost them. So you sent them fucking Spongebob Patrick breakup roleplay? What the fuck is wrong with you? You didn't want to break up with him, so you sent him a fucking...

love letter from fucking Tom Kenny like on how to break it up. Hell no. You are an asshole. That's definitely that's bottom of the barrel. Yeah they probably were like they probably typed in the chat and was like write me a breakup message for a friend and came out and was like ooh this seems a little well write it from the perspective of Spongebob Squarepants and then they were like that seems like let's ship it now and they sent that. That's I if I was the friend I got that I would have been like

What? I would rather you ghosted him. Yeah, no, that seems better. That message, especially because of the SpongeBob thing, is something where someone's going to leave that friendship and they're going to be... They've got like a fucking aftertaste of coffee in their mouth. They're like, oh man, what is that? I don't like that. Yeah, that's rough. No, you're the asshole. You're banned. Banned.

Banned. Definitely banned. No seat on the board either. Might be good for moving around employees. Dude, they just fucking typed the thing into GPT. We'd never get a real answer out of them. Yeah, we'll put ChatGPT on the board. Put ChatGPT on the board. Okay, so ChatGPT is president of the board right now. Tucker, if at any point in time you get a Spongebob-themed message, it's not looking too good, buddy.

I get a DM from Shlat next week. It's like, hey, Patrick, this is SpongeBob. I'm like, oh, great. Oh, here we go. Hey, Krusty Krew. Can we do a few that aren't Am I the Assholes? Because there's a couple of good ones. Yeah. Yeah, play one. This one is a response. These are just statements?

They're like stories or ideas. This one is a story that is a follow-up to our Dairy Queen punishment segment. Oh, okay. Here we go. Schlatt, Ted, Tucker, listen. All right, this isn't a response to any prompt, but I just wanted to tell you. I just listened to the Dairy Queen episode, and I got to tell you a story, man. So I used to work like Schlatt amply observed work.

At Chick-fil-A when I was in high school because they only hire children so they can underpay them in overwork. It's true. Nice. And just like the manager who made his employees eat cleaning product bleach ice cream. Soap. One time I came into my Chick-fil-A slightly and I mean slightly undershaved like stubble on my face. Right. Because they had a policy there that you could only have.

The only facial hair that you could have could be a half-inch mustache. Half-inch mustache? What the fuck? What the fuck is a third Reich running the Chick-fil-A? What the fuck? A slight amount of stubble. I started growing hair on my face pretty fast in high school. And they had a punishment communal razor.

that several other people had used before me. They got a dirty razor? And a little bottle of Gillette cream. And that manager made me go into the Chick-fil-A bathroom, the public bathroom, where all the other people who come into Chick-fil-A could go. With the punishment razor? And take a piss if they wanted to. And he made me go into that bathroom and shave with the communal razor. Holy shit! The punishment razor, because I came in slightly...

That's crazy. As a 17-year-old. Dude, their chicken sandwiches aren't good enough to be fucking running that type of show. Jesus Christ. Although I will say, I will say,

You're the asshole. Yeah, definitely. Definitely the asshole. Sorry, man. I mean, shit. There's a reason. There's a reason why the best teams on earth have facial hair policies. And one of those teams? One of those teams? It's called the United States Military. Thank you very much. The military and the Yankees and that Chick-fil-A squad you were on. So fuck you for not respecting that. And make me a fucking...

Waffle fries. Make sure it's not soggy this time. Give me a waffle fries and give me a fucking cookies and cream shake. They are frequently soggy. Yeah, and that's a problem too because one of my favorite things of ordering from Chick-fil-A that I order honestly more than the chicken sandwiches is I will order, and this is I might be outing myself as a fucking degenerate right now. I will order a cookies and cream shake and two large waffle fries and that's it. Wow. So I can dip it in the shake.

It's really good. It's like my, it's my slutty little, my slutty little secret, secret delight. What's that called? What's a secret delight? What's the phrase? Secret delight. You know, I've forgotten this in the past. Afternoon delight? No, no. Like, it's like something that you shouldn't. Your guilty pleasure? Guilty pleasure. My secret delight. My secret delight. My shameful delight. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Fuck yeah. That's the second time that I've forgotten the name for guilty pleasure and I've referred to it as a shameful delight. A shameful delight. This one is just an idea and it's pretty good. Okay. There we go. Azalea. Hi, Schlug. Hi, Ted. Hi, Tucker. Hi. So I don't know what topic this falls under, but I've had this idea for such a long time. So you advertise a petting zoo.

You make it seem amazing, beautiful, all these animals. And then when you get to the location of the petting zoo, it's just a bunch of taxidermied animals. And I'm talking like goats, llamas, chickens, pigs, just anything taxidermied. But the guy in charge of it – and he's like a cowboy farmer-looking guy –

He acts like all the animals are real. Like you can buy feed for the animals. He's like, oh, be careful with that one. That one bites. Like he actually acts like they're all alive. I like that.

And yeah, I don't know. I just had that idea for a while and I need somebody to do it. That sounds like a fake alternate universe episode of Nathan for you where he's going to get this petting zoo to make more money. And he's like, here's the idea. We replace all the animals with taxidermied animals so you don't waste money on food and shelter for them.

that would be good hey robots can do human and animal jobs better we know we've known this for a while now oh you think that they should be robots well pop some servos in there you know have a move around like fucking basically yeah just basically find a closing rainforest cafe and just grab some of the grab some of the the gorillas and the elephants and stuff it would do you know imagine that and then make a

an AI Facebook event. Yeah. That is like, come see magnificent elephants and gorillas. You show up, they're like... It's just like a beautiful jungle. Yeah. That's good. Beautiful jungle. And the unknown. The unknown makes it weird. And the unknown's there too. Yeah. Oh, man. That's a good... I like that idea. I think we should do that. We should do that...

White label, though. We'll do it under... It'll just be a way to funnel some money. Thanks for the idea. We own that now. We own that now. I don't know. She did check the waiver, so... We do have a very small print waiver on the speak pipe thing. You wouldn't be able to see it. You'd have to go into...

Going to inspect Element to find it. Okay, here's Garrett. I don't know who put this one in here. Good evening, Schlutius Maximus, Teddy P. Fresh, and Trucker. Teddy P. Fresh, I like it. For staying logged in to my ex's streaming platforms. That's tame. I may or may not still be using them, but I'm definitely still logged in on their account. That's tame. Let me know.

That isn't that bad, honestly. If anything, I think it's the ex's responsibility to have that cathartic moment when you get to kick him off. Yeah. That's honestly more of the... And if anything, you're extending a period of time for them to make that realization and be like, oh...

It's time for you to go. Exactly, dude. I don't know. I mean, they open the door. I mean, they got to shuffle you out. I don't think it's a huge deal. You're not an asshole. You're just of questionable morality. Like, there's a little gray area. Yeah. But it's okay to swim in the gray pool every now and then. Yeah, you dip a toe into it. The water's fine. It's fine. It's okay. Yeah.

They haven't earned a seat on our board. I butchered four women back in the day. Butchered? Butchered. Interesting. For meat? So, Tucker, what's the next speak pipe? Here comes Cordy. Ted, where on earth do you get off?

thinking you can pass judgment on your fancy little podcast asking us, oh, when were you the asshole? Really? You want to judge people being assholes when you literally beat me half to death with a baseball bat back in 2007? Come on. Like, I know you think you're so much better than the common man because, oh, I wear rings. I got fancy jewelry and stupid Ikea looking shoes. Get out of here, man.

also hi tucker hi ted lift up that that shoe right now i just gotta i gotta show the audience right now one more they just said ikea ass sneakers i think this is the first time that i've worn these shoes on the podcast too like i've never worn so he's thinking of something else when he says ikea ass looking shoes too you just happen to nail the fucking color

Dude, I found this one and he was speaking my language and I just wanted to throw that in there. I know it's not a, am I the asshole? But, you know, just felt like you needed to hear it. Is this another? Oh, I thought you had another one. And I was like, what are you talking about? Was this an intervention? No. Well, thanks, Schlatt. Appreciate that. Thanks for. No problem. I'm just looking out for you, man. Just looking out for you. I just don't like change and I'm closed minded. I know. I know. It's okay.

The one that's about the ski pass is a pretty good one. It's going to make Tucker real pissed. All right, here we go. Hello, Schlatt, Ted, and Tucker. Am I the asshole for making my friend pay me back after losing my ski pass? I live in Utah, and me and my friend group go skiing very often. Also, it's very clear he's reading from a script. One day, me and my friends were all planning to go up the mountain, but I woke up sick, and I didn't go.

One of my friends called me and asked if he could use my season pass to avoid the daily fee to go skiing. And I have heard stories of people getting their passes ripped up for pretending to be someone else and taking their pass. So I was reluctant at first to give it to him, but he convinced me and told me it would be fine. So I gave it to him for the day.

A couple hours later, he calls me and tells me that he was caught and they revoked my season pass. Wow. And just for some context, a season pass at the resort I go to cost me around $750. So I was very upset. That, I mean, yeah. I demanded that he pay me back for it, but he refused and told me that I knew the risks and still let him take it. So it should be my fault. I should pay for it myself. Yeah. Am I the asshole? Yeah.

So this guy, in my opinion, his friend has an absolute fucking... That's no fun. He's got a spot on the board. He's got a spot on the board, that's for sure. I mean, that is... Put us in contact with that kid. Like, to convince someone to give you the pass and that it's not going to be a problem, and then to blame the person for then being convinced by you for the thing that resulted was not going... Like, that's just so shitty. It's so shitty. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Yeah. But, hey, this sounds like a 19-year-old kid paying $750 for a ski pass. He's probably an asshole, too. Or he worked all year. Doubt it. Yeah, you see, you're talking to Tucker, who's a big ski. He's a ski slut. He's a ski slut? I skied twice this year. Would you pay $750 for a season pass? If I lived near a mountain, yeah.

I think I would. Okay. It seems it was that steep or is that inexpensive for us? There's that middle of the road for a pass tiger a day, a day pass at any major resort East or West coast is going to run you like probably 130 bucks or more.

That seems like a lot of money. Oh, so if you're going more than eight times or more than seven times the worth. Yeah. Okay, so for a whole winter. Yeah, that's like a reasonable rate. That's a good rate for a season pass, I'd say. I stand corrected. I just learned something about skiing today. Holy shit, that's a rich people thing, huh? Did you learn how to ski or snowboard, Shlant? No. That's weird because you are a rich kid. I'm self-made, dude. Yeah.

I'm self-made, excuse you. I guess it wouldn't have been really context for you to have... There's not too many mountains, I guess, in New York. No. Geez. Even there was. Like, I don't... Fuck skiing. It just doesn't seem interesting to me. We're talking I grew up... We had a hill that we would go to. We had a hill. They put a chairlift on it. Yeah, they put a hill with a chairlift on it. Started selling tickets.

Yeah. We were like, fuck, I guess we're skiing here. But they, honestly, that was back in the day when you're a small kid, that place felt like a fucking mountain. Felt like you were going up high. We were supposed to go skiing together this year. And they had a fried dough stand and they also had a waffle house thing. It was like these sugar waffles that they put warm chocolate on. And when you were a kid, I'm getting hungry even thinking about it right now.

Oh yeah. Waffle cabin. Yeah, waffle cabin. Yeah, dude, look at that. There you go. Wait, is this a consistent brand across? Yeah, it's a chain. Oh, it's a chain? Yeah, dude, yeah. I didn't know it was a chain. I thought it was just like this place had the waffle cabin. No, these are at like every resort at the base amount. Oh my God, this is awesome. Yeah. This is great news.

Let me tell you what real men do at the mountain. Oh, they go to the waffle cabin and get slutty. They go tubing. They take a big old tube up a small part of the hill and they fucking jump down that shit and go fast as they want. Not a worry in the world. Don't got to worry about hitting a tree or nothing. They make the lanes for you. You race your family. Oh, it's so fun. Yeah. Whoever wins is the fattest. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Tubing is fun. Tubing is pretty fun. Tubing is great.

I miss the days when man sledding and snow activities used to be such a bigger part of my life. I mean, I do live in Los Angeles right now, but it used to be such a bigger part of my life when I was a kid, you know? Right. Oh, just finding a good, some fresh pow, finding a good hill, like going pat, like there was some areas of my road growing up where it was like, you go to the top of this hill and you go down it. And then sometimes you'd be going too fast.

And you'd go over the road and then down into like these fucking lower areas where there are a bunch of trees and stuff and you're getting hit by branches and stuff. And then we would do this thing when we were kids where we would like crash and then we would like kind of pretend that we were dead for a little bit.

Like it was like a real nasty hit. That's a fun joke to play on your family. No, no, I'm serious. Like me and my friend, we would like go down on a sled thing together and then it would be like a nasty crash thing and then we would kind of like, it was like playing pretend. Like we would be like, we would lay there for a bit and then we'd both be like, oh, what happened? What happened? Are you okay?

What the heck was that? And then we'd get up and go and we'd do it a second time. And it was just like, I don't know, it was fun. Like we'd just been in a fucking nasty car accident. Yeah, no, honestly fucked up that we did that. But like it was immersive when we did. That was your introduction. That made you a theater kid, Ted. Oh, yeah. That's where it came from. I was a theater kid before I was even a theater kid, dude. I was like, there was a, because I had two kids that lived on my street.

well. And they, they were both sports guys and they ended up both playing like basketball. And I played basketball and stuff in high school, but they ended up doing more of that. And like, we're actually on like the fucking good teams and stuff. But you know, there was always like a question when we would, cause they were the same age as me. I was very lucky to like grow up on like a suburban street where I had like two kids, the same age as me. And like, they lived like within walking distance. It was kind of awesome. But yeah,

The question was whether or not we would play sports or an imagination game, which is just making shit up and like, I don't know, doing, you know, making an adventure out of nothing. And I always kind of lean towards the imagination games and they were more like the sports guys. Or we grab a razor scooter and, you know, tear it up around. Fucking swing it into each other's shins.

Dude, I saw a video on TikTok the other day and I thought about sending it to Tucker where it was a guy who made a contraption which was like made of 12...

that were on like a merry-go-round spinning thing at a park, and he was doing squats with a bar. What? And then he was subjecting each of his shins to a series of the fucking Razor scooters while he would... I don't think this is it. It would be on TikTok or something like that, but it was...

It looked miserable. You know, we'll throw it on screen while it's going on, but it didn't look fun. Get that guy a job at Raytheon.

He's got more powerful things to start crafting for us. Oh, yeah, yeah, no. We should start just sending Razor Scooter bombs into... Yeah. Did you guys ever see the Razor Scooter as a kid? Like maybe the cool kid had it that had a spark bar? Yeah, the Spark Scooter, of course. Yeah. I wanted one of those so bad. That's terrible. Holy fuck. That's a psychopath.

Yeah, it looks miserable. It looks miserable, dude. Whoa. Yeah. Spark scooters weren't all that, though. Most people I know who had the spark scooter, they had used all the sparks in one day. And it was just like an empty canister that didn't spark anymore.

You had to replace them too. They sold you on a fucking subscription a little sparky, guys. My cousin and I would go down this hill and we would hold our foot on the brake and it'd get really hot and then the wheel would eat into the wheel because the wheel is like polymer. It would eat into the wheel and then you would have like a dut, dut, dut, dut, dut. Yep, yep. Like a flat spot. Good times. And that was just like the best part of the day.

I totally remember telling myself, dude, I think that there was too much of a period of time between when I was a huge scooter kid and when the fucking limes came out and the bird scooters and stuff.

because if there was just like a little bit smaller of a gap because i think the gap between when i used a razor scooter consistently and when i used a fucking lime thing like 10 years we shortened that down to three i would have fucking lost my shit dude i would have wanted those things in my home that i could just walk outside and take it to school or something because those were awesome tucker and i one time tore it up around santa monica on those things oh yeah yeah

That's also a night I don't fully remember, I think. We weren't drinking. What are you talking about? Maybe you weren't. What's the next speak point? Let's do Mia.

Hi, Chuckle Sandwich. So I want to ask you, am I the asshole already? And also a second part of the question, which is, will I be the asshole if I continue to do this thing? She sounds like a TikToker. I have been dating someone for like three-ish months. It's been official only for one month.

But when we go out to nice dinners, sometimes he does not dress really well. For example, there was one time we went to a nice restaurant and he wore a light blue and dark blue horizontal striped polo t-shirt. And I told him to his face that I didn't really like it. And I could tell that it kind of hurt his feelings, but I like...

You know, I'm not a fashionista, but I dress well, you know, and I wear stuff that matches. And so am I the asshole for having said that already? And then am I going to be an asshole if I continue...

to say i don't i think you could dress better because i think if you date someone a long time you can tell them how to dress but i don't think i'm there yet so am i am i should i kind of like chill out and ignore it or uh and or continue to be an asshole okay love you bye

I think that there is a better way that you could have done it because it sounds like you waited until you were at the restaurant and then told him that you didn't like what he was wearing so you spent the rest of the time that you were at the restaurant together kind of being like... Yeah, he probably felt stupid that whole time. Yeah. So, options, as you guys are partners together, some things you could do is you could maybe choose something as like a little, not necessarily like a birthday gift or something because this is...

something that you're looking for but maybe just like a random to be nice gift where you get him some maybe articles that he might like or something or if there are articles of clothing that he wears that you do like maybe you guys are going out to a nice dinner say hey i really like this particular shirt maybe you could wear that tonight i don't know but also

Man, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I mean, dude, if you like the dude's personality, I think that's what matters. Because, I mean, look at it this way. You can change the clothes at a certain point, but you can't change the personality. You can't change the soul. Ted has been an insufferable piece of shit for three years we've been doing this podcast. But recently, he started dressing all nice. And I think that's great. Oh, so you do like the way I dress. Okay, yeah, well...

I'm saying the fit today is pretty nice, you know, but don't get all... Don't start blushing. Your face is getting red. Hey, man. Yeah. But yeah, I mean, still an asshole. Like, his personality hasn't changed, guys, but...

He looks comfy. Comfy. Comfy. Comfy. Right now. Yeah. Thank you. Tucker, as the married man, resident married man, what would you say? I would say absolutely do not get him clothing for his birthday. That's nice. Or a holiday. Well, I clarified that. I know, but I'm saying absolutely do not do that.

Because I've encountered this problem. I've been the underdressed partner. Oh, I know. That's why I knew that you'd have some shit to say about this. Yeah, I've been the friction point. And I think a way you could go about it is be like, I, you know, we've got maybe like Valentine's Day is coming up. And be like, okay, I want to take you shopping. Let's get you a new fit for our date. Just as a nice thing. That would be the best thing.

yeah that could be like the pre-date to the date it's like we're gonna get you a fresh fit and then start training his brain only give him compliments on his looks when he's in the clothing you want him to wear yeah literally that's uh it's diabolical but it would work but you know it would work yeah i do stuff like that all the time well i gotta wear this shirt all the time

And then that'll be, and then that, then you've solved them. Then you've solved it. Now you got a, now you got a guy you like and he doesn't dress. Although I had a really hard time visualizing this polo shirt that she described. It was like horizontal, sideways, blue and green. Like I couldn't track at all what this thing looked like, but minor asshole side comment, but maybe also apologize about that saying that.

Yeah, because if my date said, yeah, I don't like what you're wearing during a date, I would feel pretty bummed the rest of the day. Yeah, and they're early on in the relationship too. So, you know, you might have risen the red flag on this guy and, you know, you better solve that soon. And you should feel insecure too because he's probably going to drop you. Yeah.

He's probably going to drop you any second now. Is that guy's at home looking in the mirror going, I'm ugly and I'm proud. Do we have any solid ones you think you guys want? Sure. Sure. Do Zorg. Yeah, do that one. Zorg. Here we go. Enemy of Buzz Lightyear. Okay.

I didn't know anyone else in the world could do that. I can do that. You just hum while you whistle. I didn't hear much whistling. You're not doing anything. I'm hearing no whistling from you. Maybe your mic just isn't. Whistling.

You know, hearing that, I think my microphone just doesn't pick up loud noises for me or tons. I believe you. I believe you. Um, to answer, to answer that question though, you are the asshole though, because it's like you, if you're coming in every day and you're, and you're bringing your all and you're doing what you think you should be, then, uh,

You know, you got to clarify what that is with your coworkers. So if you're coming in and you're saying, and you're behaving that way, and you're saying these things to your coworkers when it's been made clear based on how you were hired that that was an inappropriate thing, you know, you're to blame. Would you agree, Tucker? Oh, 100%. Yeah. All right, here's Randy. Hey, Schlutz. You should not be saying those dirty words, son. I just wanted to say.

You guys are pretty cool. But also, I think we should normalize drinking out of like baby bottle nipple tops. Like just imagine popping one of those nipple tops on top of a beer or something. Dude, this kid could climb back in the womb if he had the opportunity. The nipple tops are still fresh in his mind, man. He's got nostalgia. Have a good day.

Yeah, this is a kid who just got his binky taken away. I didn't know that our demographics swung that young. That's cool, though. That's cool, though. No, I agree. I kind of agree.

I don't even know. Was he even like asking about something or like, I don't think so. It's just an opinion. Yeah, no comprehension has been taught. Yeah. Reading comprehension on. He said he wants to normalize it. Yeah. He wants to normalize. Yeah. So it's definitely a conversation. You can't have your binky anywhere. You can't have your baby bottle. No, no, no, no. It's not normal. Well, let's normalize it. No, no,

He's on the board though. He's on the board. Yeah, we got Boss Baby. We're putting Boss Baby on the board. Boss Baby Randy. Do we have any more? I know I got more. You want Jackson? Yeah. All right. What's up, Ted Tucker Schlatt? Let's get this shit done. AITA, let's go.

I was in middle school. So this is when it was me, 14 male. I think that's how you do it. And then I was in English class and I was like, I got to go to the freaking bathroom. And the teacher was like, make it snappy. So I went to the men's bathroom and all the stalls were full. And I was like...

I really got to take a poopy yo so I thought I knew who was in one of the stalls because I saw my buddy go in there recently so I was like let me check if it's him so I jumped up on the stall door and I was hanging on it and I peeked over and it was my buddy and I was like yo what's up Mike and Mike was like why are you looking at me right now that's kind of weird and I was like

I'm going to keep doing it. And then the stall door I was hanging on fell off the hinges because you're not supposed to hang on those apparently. It gets worse. And then it fell on the ground, made a huge loud bang noise. And then right after that happened, I hear over the intercom, the school's on shooter lockdown. Everybody stay in your classrooms because they thought the door hitting the ground was a gunshot.

And we were locked outside the classroom. And then we couldn't explain to them that it wasn't a shooter. And then eventually everyone got sent home because of it. So really it was kind of a good thing because, you know, we didn't want to be in school because we were middle schoolers. And we all got sent home because of me. So is that a bad thing that I did? A-I-T-A? Yeah. Give me your thoughts. Well, first of all, crazy that a middle school has a procedure for school shooters. Yeah.

Imagine a fucking 11 or 12 year old roaming the hallways with a fucking gun. That's crazy. You can... Anyone can... Well, yeah. You're right. I don't want to say this in like a weird way, but...

You can walk in anywhere with a gun. You don't have to be 11 to shoot up a middle school. That's actually the problem. Yeah, that is an issue for sure. I think I was thinking more like... I was thinking more from like in the scenarios where there's a school shooter where it's like a

a grump or an angry person who goes to that school coming with a gun kind of thing. Not just a fucking guy showing up to the middle of school. But, yeah, I don't know if this guy's necessarily the asshole in this situation. I mean, I guess it's...

It's like the story just kept getting worse. Like he had to poo. Yeah. And then he like, it sounds like you're just a dope, like you were a dopey kid just hanging on the fucking doors. Maybe kind of,

overstepped some boundaries there with your buddy who was not cool with you looking at him shitting yeah no that would have dude that's the worst that would have avoided the school shooter lockdown probably if you just like listen to your boy but uh you know kids will be kids yeah boys will be boys you know it's definitely at that like right at the edge of that age where

There's a specific age of kids when it comes to, at least with boys, when you're in the school bathrooms where like they, some of them don't believe when a stall is locked. And so there's an age range where they will check, right?

And by looking under the stalls, this has happened to me before when I was younger, where like kids will like look under the stalls to see if there's someone actually there. And that's always a pain in the ass. It's because those same kids were locking them and then crawling out under and leaving it. So they're like, did somebody get me back this time? You reserved your stall for later. Yep.

Yeah. Has that happened to you, Tucker, where you've been locked out of an empty one? No. Oh. I probably did not go into a stall bathroom my entire time at K-12. Oh, yeah. I used the fucking school bathroom all the time. You used the hell out of it. I did not fuck with school bathrooms. Yeah, what do you mean? I've used a school bathroom maybe five times in my life. I used them all the time, dude. I was probably the greatest user. I was probably the greatest user.

Since college, things have changed. I'll tell you that much. I'd use them in college, definitely, but I'm not going down the hallway. Yeah, once that IBS starts kicking in, your mid-20s. Yeah. Do you know what I remember was the greatest moment of my development, of realizing that I had choice and I had options, was I remember in high school, we had this one teacher, Mr. Green, and he made it very clear to us, this was an AP Euro, but at that point when you're a senior and

high school or whatever they're like you have rights but like he had to make it clear he was like just so you guys know uh you can just leave class you don't need to ask me for permission to go to the bathroom okay and tucker if you've ever heard mr green speak you know that's a kick-ass impression of him but uh but uh yeah no weird that we had to though and when we had to ask permission

To go shit. Yeah. It's because half the kids for a certain age are lying. Yeah. They're just wandering the halls. Like, elementary school kids, like sixth graders, those kids are just roaming. Definitely. They're looking for fucking, they're looking for extra objectives, side quests. Yeah. You'd see, you'd be sitting in class and, like, you'd see someone from the other cluster or whatever just pop his head out up through the door and, like...

He was a fucking roamer. You knew it. I remember there was like in elementary school, there'd be like a bathroom pass. There's like a girl's pass and a boy's pass. And someone would take it and go and come back and like hang it back up. And then you, the next person who wanted to go could take it. But so only one kid could be out of the class at a time. And I remember you'd see a kid get take it. And you're like, that kid's going to be walking around the halls for 20 minutes. Yeah.

Like, damn it, I gotta pee. Yeah. Yeah. And then when the teacher addresses them where they're like, have you ever had that happen where the kid comes back after being gone for like 15, 20 minutes and they're like, where the fuck were you? Half the class is over. You ever had that moment? I've had that moment where a kid's getting addressed like that and I'm like, ooh, shit. Shit. That's bad. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I don't think we have any more speak pipes, do we? Or wait, Schlatt, you had some. There's plenty. Yeah. Oh, Schlatt, I want to hear some of the ones that Schlatt had.

I want to hear someone that says Schlatt had. Have we heard about Darren from Hong Kong? We already heard that, didn't we? No. I have a structured settlement. I need cash now. Call JG Wentworth. 877-CASH-NOW. So who put that in the bookmarks? Me. Did you not hear Schlatt? Schlatt was going through all these going, man, these are gold. And they're just like sound bites. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, I love the ones that I got. Yeah, we were about to start the podcast and we were like, do we have enough? And this guy was like, I got plenty, dude. I got plenty. Half of these haven't even been. He's rocked. He's rocked, dude. It's just something that made him smile. Yeah. That's great, though. That's great. No, it was good. I know. I liked it. It just wasn't what we were looking for. Get V. Get this next one. Play this next one. Hey, Ted. Hey, Schlatt. Hey, Tucker.

This was during lockdown in 2020. I joined a Minecraft SMP with a bunch of people I didn't know. I played for months and made friends with most of the other players.

Later on in the server's lifetime, my friend and I noticed that the owner's base was suspiciously growing larger and better day by day, despite them ever being online. We pointed this out to some other players, and we all got pretty suspicious. Interesting. We later found a Blaze spawner hidden underneath the owner's house. Clear evidence of cheating. Because of this, towards the server's inevitable end,

Me and these other outraged friends of mine decided to retaliate. Dude, I fucking love them. We planned an attack on the owner's house late at night when no one else but us was on. Whoa. We decided to pick up our netherite tools, march in the house, and tear it down to bedrock. Nice. Chunk-erred. Chunk-erred. Once we were finished, we stepped back. We took on the sight of our masterpiece. We finished this project of ours off with a sign that read, It was a creeper.

We'll be the assholes. Oh, dude, that is like. So this was, did they say that this was just like a high school Minecraft server or something like that? This was like some online server during lockdown, I think. I don't think he knew. Yeah, I don't think.

Dude, I love Minecraft server drama. I'm glad that people are still having the same exact kind of experiences I had with Minecraft a decade ago, and it's still going on, man. There's always going to be...

I think that Minecraft servers are probably the best thought experiment, sort of like the Stanford prison experiment on what people will do when they get just a smidgen of power. There's always going to... There's like 50% of the population or...

Probably less than that will act kind of just normally if they get an op on a Minecraft server. Oh, yeah. And then there's another portion of people that will, under the table, be giving themselves diamonds. They'll be fucking switching into creative just a little bit every now and then. Mm-mm.

The Skype chat drama, dude, was crazy back in the day. I used to have... We used to go... Dude, we used to like... On the S&P I played on, we used to fucking walk around and like hit each other.

Just to make sure that no one was in creative. Dude, that's awesome. Like, that's the shit I remember, man. Most of the time it was me in creative. We had fucking Minecraft drama when we were in high school that fucking dissolved friend groups. So, like, literally created a schism in our smaller society that we had going on. And it was...

Yeah, I know we look at them remains till this day. It does. It actually does. So that's interesting. Minecraft, big part of all of our lives, I imagine. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And it's and it warms my heart to know that that that kind of bullshit is still going on. Yeah.

Probably amplified by the fact that everyone's in lockdown back in the day. Oh, yeah. I bet there were some people that were like... I bet people were... I imagine people were calling the cops on each... There's got to be at least one person that called the cops on someone else for destroying the Minecraft base. There's got to be somewhere out there. One kid... It's technically destruction of property. Yeah. It caused me physical and mental pain.

Because I worked really hard on this and my got carpal tunnel for how hard I worked on this base. So you need to go to jail, sir. Man, I'm so glad we don't have to use fucking Skype anymore. Oh, yeah. That was what our drama was going down over, too. What a terrible piece of software, dude. Oh, God.

And nobody knows if it like Skype had such an opportunity to make itself better because Discord came along and it was just thousands of miles better than anything that Skype ever was. Than anything else.

And it was like, what was that doing? And it all was just a fucking chat program. And it was so much better. Like, I think I've blocked out the days of pre-discord from my brain. Oh, yeah. And like, the other options were like, it felt like you were using AIM.

Like fucking mumble and like TeamSpeak. All the other ones felt like you were using dial-up internet when you used the fucking program. It was like... Ted, do you remember having to go on to TeamSpeak to contact the mods of the Arma life servers? Oh, yeah. It's like, you'd be in game, you're like, oh, I need to talk to a mod. They're like, yeah, I got it on TeamSpeak. I'm like, fuck. I'm going to get lost. User connected. Yeah, and you're like, hello? Hello?

What do you want? Deep evil voice. User connected. Hey, wake up. Wake up. Oh, God.

Good times. There's some more in there. I don't remember hearing all the speak pipes I picked. I don't know. We've been going for a while, but I feel like we got to get through all of them. Here's Cal. Hey, Ted Schlatt and Tucker. I'm here to present a theory on what's inside the Egyptian Sphinx. Oh. Now, the base of the Egyptian Sphinx is dated much further back than the head of the Sphinx.

And the body has experienced weathering from mass amounts of rainfall, which...

If you think about what was the last mass amounts of rainfall on the earth, you can go back to the flood in Genesis or Noah's flood. So my theory is that the Sphinx was built before the flood. When a different ancient civilization existed before what we consider ancient civilizations existed today.

So, knowledge is right, Schlatt. Thank you. Boom. Boom. Boom. No comment needed. You are not the asshole for sharing that fucking truth bomb on us. Thank you. I got nothing to say. I'm just going to let Schlatt bask in that. Thank you. I'm going to let you swim in that. I'm going to let you swim in that hot spring. I feel like a lizard under a heat lamp right now, dude. I can tell. Oh, God. You just do some slow blinking for us.

There you go. Wow, you're good at that. What else do we have here, Tucker? Here's Jeremiah. Hello, Schlaget. Pause. You can't say that. Yeah, you can't say that. You can't say that. Yep. Geez. Want me to keep going? Yeah, I guess. No, no, no. I don't want to hear from that Schlaget-phobe. Schlaget-phobe?

Schlagphobia. Next one, dude. Okay, here is Carmen. Hey, my name is Carmen. I am sending in my Am I the Asshole story. So it sets place in my senior year. I have a roommate named

And I bring a boy who is now my fiance into the house and we have a little datey date. She told me that she was going to be out of the house and it was cool and everything. So we're in my room doing what you do. And she knocks on the door, tells me to get out of the room and then screams at me in the hallway for being rude.

a disgusting slut what and bring a guy over am i the asshole for immediately moving out and forcing her to find a new roommate thanks bud based on the information provided no murdered at the end there based on the information provided no

Yeah, I mean... That seems pretty cut and dry. Yeah, no, that seemed pretty cut and dry. From how you explained it. This sounds like another one where the narrator might be omitting a little bit of the story. Yeah, maybe a little bit unreliable. Maybe they were absolutely slamming into the walls. The whole fucking dorm was shaking. Yeah, maybe there was some fucking drywall coming out.

Yeah. Maybe some debris was getting thrown around. Who knows? The drywall, the tapping of drywall in a rhythmic manner is very distinct. Oh. You're like, oh, oh, oh. What's that? What's that? The sound of a mating cycle is engaging. Has springing sprung? Two peacocks are engaging in the dance that we all know so well. I lived in an apartment building here a couple years ago that was very thin.

There were some times where we'd be like, Hey man, I'll hear it sometimes in my apartment. I'll be like, that time of day, that time of day, huh? Yeah. That's all the speed pipes. Whoa. That was a good amount of Ted, you should wear more corduroy. Corduroy is sexy. I'll think about it, Tucker. Well, you want to sign us off, Schlatt?

you want to sign this off thanks for watching thanks for watching chocolate sandwich everybody man new york man new york that's dude rude no it wasn't ah new york you literally made that noise you you went you leaned for it and you went well corduroy on my body new york that's you fair enough

Fine. Tucker does it then. Tucker, you do the outro. All right. Everybody should be watching my streams. I stream three times a week. Twitch.tv. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut your fucking mouth. Shut up. I got it out there. It's in there. Well, our next SpeakPie will be a drunk episode.

Okay, thanks for coming by guys. So what's the prompt if someone's just tuning in now? Life advice. Life advice. We'll be getting drunk and doing life advice. No prompts. We're just like, it's the drunk speak pipe. People just slurring their words on the speak pipe. I think I was supposed to get wasted. Like we hear someone and they're in a car and they're like, guys, I'm swerving through traffic. Somebody give me an answer. I'm a sir. I'm a sir. I'm a sir.

It's like they think they're calling us and we're just not answering. Please, Tucker, Schlatt, Ted, answer me, please. And it's just a... That's how it usually ends. My leg. Unless you're good at it, you know. Yeah, that's the only allowed time is when you're good at it. Yeah. That'd be crazy if there was an extra classification of a license where you had to do an extra test.

Where you proved that you were good at drunk driving. Show me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Class D. Class D license. That'd be great, dude. That's awesome. All right. Well, thanks, guys. Thanks for coming in. Send in the speed pipes. Love you to death. Bye. Smooches.