Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
Thank you to Honey for sponsoring today's episode of the Chuckle Sandwich Podcast. Hey everybody, my name is Schlatt, and I'm back for an episode of the Chuckle Sandwich, starring my friends Ted Nibison. Hey, what's up? Charlie Slimesicle. Yeah, are you good, man? Is this a kid's show? What do you think this is? And Swagger Souls! Hey, everybody! He's back again, for some reason. Why is he here again? Real talk, guys. Why is Swagger Souls back?
SpiderSouls is our new member. Yeah, I never left the show. I never left the Discord call. All three of you left and I just sat here for a week. It's been a week. You haven't eaten. You haven't drank anything. So, I mean, how do you feel? Are you ready to go? I've eaten and I've drank. I don't have the wrappers here anymore. They're all in my garbage can. But, yeah, I had some twisties. What in the world? I had some chocolate chips.
Oh, okay. I know what chocolate... I don't know what a twisty is. I know what chocolate is. Swagger's giving us a...
a piece-by-piece representation of what it would be like if he were a raccoon in another life. Yeah! Any granola in there? Nah, no granola. But I was drinking... Don't show us that! No free clout! No free... Okay, alright. We can't just be drinking shit willy-nilly on this podcast. Hey, I can like, you know, I can hit you up with this. It's probably still blurred, but I can hook you guys up. We don't do it with sponsors. Boys!
I had a really rough moment the other day. Really? When I went to, well, a rough series of moments the other week that I hadn't gotten a chance to talk about on this podcast, but I think I'm going to talk about it right now, okay? All right. I was driving down the highway, and I hear a little sound, the sound of dragging, metal dragging as I'm driving. I'm in my beautiful Toyota Tacoma 2002, love it to death.
And I hear the sound of metal dragging. I say, that's not a sound that I should be hearing from my truck. So I pull over. Mm-hmm.
On the highway and I look under my my truck and the entire exhaust pipe has been dragging on the on the on the road for like Several miles seems dangerous and it had the entire connection to the fucking muffler had just rusted completely rusted off so I could literally pull the exhaust pipe out and I just tossed it in the back of my truck and
And I kept driving. But I don't need those anyways. Well, I actually have to drive with the windows down now because I looked it up. And apparently if I don't, then my entire cab can fill with carbon monoxide and I could just fucking die on the road.
I'm glad you looked it up because I think I would have been like, it's like a spleen. I don't know what it's for. Throw it in the back and just die. Yeah, exactly. But that's not even the worst part. Right. I take it to the, or the worst part of my week at least. I take it to the local Toyota in Hollywood. I drop it off and I didn't eat any breakfast that day. So I go to the fucking Starbucks. God, listen to you, Ted. Listen to you, Ted. You urbanite.
Oh, I took it down to the truck shop in Hollywood. I live in LA, by the way. I didn't eat breakfast either. I was thinking about going to the avocado bagel store. I had to pay a Wolverine in the States. You're a terrible, terrible person. I go to the Starbucks, okay? I had to put on my N95 mask, not because there's a pandemic, but
but because there's smog everywhere in the city I live in. Jesus, listen to you. Yap, yap, yap, Ted Nivison. You know what? I'm getting upset now. I'm not even going to let you finish the story because I have to interject. Last time when I turned off the podcast, Ted looked me dead in the eyes in my two ojos and he said, Schlatt,
You didn't pull your weight this episode. I didn't even say that. Charlie said that 15 minutes ago. You said it to his swagger souls. I was there. Charlie can attest to it. I was there before everyone left the call. I was literally sitting in the call for like literally a week. Wow.
So I remember. This is slander. This is slander once again. Anyways. No, it's not slander. No, there's no anyways here, Ted. I'm not done talking. Let me pull my weight. Swagger, I'm so glad you're here, man. Sometimes I'm not sure who's the guest here. Right? Exactly. So I did what any modest, you know, critical thinking person would do. And I went out and I bought...
A diffuser for essential oils to calm my bones. Yes. How is this more interesting than what I had to say? This is a... You bought an oil diffuser? This is some arcane Minecraft notch hexit shit. Yes. I don't even know how the fuck it works. And I like technology. So hold on. Let me mosey on over to my essential oil collection. I got four of them. Oh, nice. I got four of them. There's one called Boost. Ooh.
There's one called Sleep. There's one called Quiet. And there's one called Exhaust, which brings us to Death Story. Anyways, I go to the... I walk down to the... Let me put my... I'll put my essential oils and I'll light this bad boy up and then we'll get back to Death Story.
I am going to burn you at the stake like they did to the witches in Salem. You terrible, terrible man. I'm putting in the dusk flavor. All right, Ted, get back to your story. Sounds like a real drag. Oh, my God. So that ends that episode of the Schlatt Show. Anyways. The exhaust was dragging behind. Can you waft some over here?
- For all you listeners on Smellify, you getting that? - I bought Gwyneth Paltrow's egg. I'm gonna stick it in my pussy. - What is going on with you today? - He started off like a different, he's been like four different people in this episode. - Yeah, this has been really some whiplash. Anyways, I go to the Starbucks, I'm hungry, I need a Sammy, okay? I go buy the Sammy, they heat it up for me, they hand it to me in a nice little bag, I'm walking out the door,
The moment I open the door, I hear a splat. I look down. My fucking sandwich has fallen. It has the bottom of the bag broke and the entire sandwich fell and it is on the, it is splayed out on the streets everywhere.
Hollywood Boulevard, Walk of Fame. I live in Hollywood. I live in L.A. Look at me. I live in L.A. It sounds like a cold open to our podcast. Like you panned down at the sandwich. Chuckle sandwich. Yeah. Oh, honestly, that is a very good point right there. It was not a chuckle sandwich, though. It was a sadness sandwich. Yeah, that is arguably worse than almost dying of carbon monoxide poisoning.
It is because I look over at the security guard that's at, because I don't know why the fuck a Starbucks would need a security guard. Because you live in LA. For people like you. And he's fucking laughing at me. The bastard. He's laughing at me.
He said, ha ha, you paid $11 and now it's all gone. And then he reaches under his chin and he pulls off his mask and it's Schlatt who's laughing at me. And he says, look at you, you stupid LA, California bitch. You pay more taxes. I'm Schlatt. Give me money. I hate the Pope. Yada, yada. No state taxes. Welcome to Texas. We're like an insecurity officer. Yikes, Schlatt.
Listen, I do what I have to do to maintain my sense of moral superiority above people who are from L.A. Yeah, it's not hard. I'm not even from L.A. It really isn't even hard to do. 50% of people in L.A. aren't even from L.A. That's the worst part, is that you're voluntarily living in L.A. Yeah, it's even worse. Or even worse, I'm voluntarily living. Well, yeah. Hard stuff.
Voluntarily living in LA. You voluntarily get up. You go outside and voluntarily smell all that smog. Yeah. That's the real killer right there. Slaps in fucking Austin, Texas. Smelling essential oils. And you're over there smelling... I'm smelling dusk right now. And you're smelling Hollywood musk. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh my God. What does dusk actually... What does it smell like? I could tell you.
Dusk. Ho-wood. Ho-wood. That's the first ingredient. I find it especially funny. It's funny that Schlatt always brings up the smog because he's painted this picture for our podcast listeners that when I walk out the door, it's like,
A bad day in Delhi. You, you, Ted, you, you had a Google that it was that your car was going to, was going to kill you. It's like your, it's like your render distance is on zero when you get out of there. And yet you, and yet you open the windows and guess what? It's the same fucking effect. You're smoking a pack a day living in Hollywood. Okay.
Let me tell you the next ingredient. Hollywood's so polluted, it can only load one chunk at a time. First of all, we got ho wood. Next, we got frankincense. I don't know if you know this, Ted. I know of frankincense. One of the wise men delivered this to baby Jesus in the manger after Marriott Hotels refused to board Mary and Joseph. Eucalyptus is the next one. Koalas, uh...
Koalas eat this one. Yeah. And they all have chlamydia. And then the last one is lavender. It's a nice lavender oil blend. Yep, yep. That has been too bad. I am just so mad that you believe that that, you talking about your diffuser,
I had an actual story and you come in and say, no, no, me bought new thing. Me tell. I bought a diffuser for hundreds and hundreds of dollars. Yeah. Are you going to break it like you broke the monkey lamp? No. Absolute ape. This diffuser. Well, let me tell you why I bought it. Because when we turned off the podcast and you looked me in the eyes with those terrible, terrible, terrible look. Yeah, I remember. And you said, you need to pull your weight to me. I said, okay, I need to improve my mood.
And improved it I have, Ted Nivison. I am Chipper. I'm Chipper Jones on the Atlanta Braves. Chop. Here's a question for you, though, Schlatt. Did you do the daily prayer? Of course I did the daily prayer. The Pope behind me would be pretty upset if I didn't say that. Let me tell you how many I said. Guess how many I said. Maybe ten? Six. Six. Teen. What?
16 Hail Marys in quick, rapid succession. Swag, are you okay? Oh, I'm fine. He really got you there. He hit you with the one, too. Yeah, dude, that was misdirection. That was good. That was really good. Oh, I'm also delirious because I haven't left this chair for a week. It's been a week. That'll do it to you. Did he bless your dusk?
Your sets are they blessed? Bless my dusk? I would love it if Schlag could bless my dusk. Call me at dusk every day and just say, hey Swagger, just want to say, just calling to bless your dusk. Hope you're having a good one. Hope you're having a good one. Daddy's here, you know. That would make every dusk from this point forward fucking magical. I would actually actively look forward to dusk to the point where I would fuck up my entire sleep schedule just to wake up at dusk to hear Schlag's voice. Isn't
Isn't Dusk Twilight? Yeah. One of the best movies ever made. Oh, man.
Fantastic love story. With Edward Cullen. Yeah. Edward Cullen. The vampire hottie. Yeah. Dreamboat Supreme. He sparkles, dude. Bitches love sparkles. It's International Women's Day. And all I see on my timeliners are fucking sparkles and the paint nail emoji. This is a great segue, Ted. It is. See, I have suggested that we bring on women guests. Oh, man.
Oh, no. A myriad of times. I know exactly where this is going. Oh. And what happens every time, Shlatt? What happens? Every single time. You know what Ted says? What? No.
I can't believe it. We've gone a little too far. Ted, Ted, I'm sorry. I've gone off on this tangent because of the terrible thing you said to me. That just wasn't true. I don't even remember saying that. I remember you at the end of the podcast, you were like, sorry, I wasn't as active guys. I spun this sad tale about my, uh, my day, but in reality, I was just bored.
That's on you. Wait, what's on me? He was bored last time. He was bored? He was bored last time. Yeah, you were boring him. I was boring you? You were boring me. How? Yeah, I saw that painting and I went... He's been laughing at all of your jokes. Yeah, but I take out the fucking monkey lamp and you were beaming. I was beaming. So how can you say you were bored? And I lit up for a bit after that. Yeah. I'm thinking how this podcast so far is just a reflection on the last podcast. Yeah.
Are we not going to address that, you know, my new position in Chuckle Sandwich? No. What? The monkey in the room? Yeah. What are you talking about? The monkey in the room. What the fuck? Are you kidding me? Charlie is just that kid who says the joke louder in class, and he gets the laugh. Did you say the monkey in the room? I did. I did.
I did it, and Charlie said it louder, and then Schlatt laughed. I could have gotten a comedy. You know what I think is unbelievable? Ted, it's crazy. I started this whole podcast, and I get the most shit. The kid that claims that he said the joke first is really just the worst one. He definitely didn't. I didn't hear him. I didn't hear him either. I don't think anybody heard him. Ted's going to throw a tantrum now.
Maybe I'll stand at the end of the room and say, say sorry. Maybe you should. Maybe you should. Maybe you should get up and show us your entire, maybe you should show us your fucking Urban Outfitters denim jacket because I'm so LA. I got this from Target because it's affordable.
Swagger's eyes. Swagger's eyes are just piercing fear. What are you so scared of, man? You're not going to LA anytime soon, are you? You son of a bitch. No. No. No, you wouldn't dare do that, would you? No, I don't want COVID-19. I quite enjoy breathing. I kinda like breathing. Fuck you!
And the other percent of the time he's got a fucking metal helmet over his head. Yeah, exactly. Breathing through like fucking Darth Vader. Fucking good protection, dude. It's fucking, it's fucking nice. Like, yeah. What if somebody comes at you with a claymore, I guess? Well, Ted, I'd really love it and appreciate it. If you can tell your story. I already told my whole story. I had to rush through the story. It finished.
I rushed through the story because I was afraid that at some point you would interrupt me again with some bullshit about some normal household item you bought. What the hell are you doing back on? You were supposed to leave a week ago. I just stayed here. You guys didn't tell me to leave.
Who forgot Ted? Ted, you weren't supposed to be in charge of this. What are you doing, man? I was given zero direction. I didn't know that I had to pull him out. He's a fucking stew. Look at him. He's just been stewing there. It's like in Dark Souls when he's become too hollow and his legs are atrophied. It's like a fucking skeleton.
Oh, wow. Oh, shit. I get legs, dude. I never skip leg day. Humanity restored. We got that view of your feet for free. No, socks are on, dude. Won't sell for as much. Usually we got to work for the thumbnails. Okay, can you guys hear me okay? Or should I take this off? You should take it off. You should probably take off the helmet. You're a little muffled. I'm sure for our audio listeners out there who love you to death, it sounds like you got a burlap sack over your head. No, it's just a metal helmet.
Yeah, it sounds like you did the first time we nabbed you for the first episode. It's true. You nabbed me and I never left. Schlatt, since you care so much about your diffuser, your smell zone...
So much that you can smell it in your mustache, of which we discovered before the podcast. Schlatt was eating chips and he was bragging, for some reason, about how he could smell his chips after in his mustache. So you want to elaborate on that? No. He stores the ones he likes. You son of a bitch. He stores the ones he likes. The one time I give you an ample opportunity to talk. A little sense suppository. Think of it like this.
Where does body odor come from and hang around on? The armpit. The armpit. But the armpit is smelly because of the hair, right? It just latches onto those follicles, right? You shave the armpit, you shave the armpit, not so smelly anymore. Same thing when you shave your ass, when you get in front of the bathroom like this, and then you go like this, boom. And then you go like this, boom.
You know, you get the whole... You get all the hair out. You have said absolutely nothing for a full 30 seconds. I don't even know what you're pointing at. So the smell lingers... What I'm saying is smell lingers on... What I'm saying is smell lingers on hair. Right. And so when I have my favorite foods, like this...
I will sometimes rub the food on my mustache. And then I'll have like a scratch and sniff for the rest of the day. All I have to do is pucker up my lips, bring the mustache close to my nostrils, and...
Have you ever done the spoiled mo challenge? The what? The spoiled mo. Sounds awful, it's gonna be awful. So basically you get a glass of whole milk, like fucking full on, full cream. Oh no. And then, you know, this is under the pretense that you already have a mustache.
So the idea is to give yourself a milk mustache by drenching your mustache in the milk to the point where it's fully saturated, where it's practically there, and you keep it on. You keep the milk on your lip, and the idea of the challenge is to see how long you can go
Having this milk right under your lips, spoiling, getting all up into your nostrils. Oh, Jesus Christ. And it's just a matter of you trying to outlast the spoiled milk on your lip. And the thing is, it gets harder each day because you get smellier and smellier and crustier and crustier until the point where you wipe it off.
You're speaking from experience? He says it like it's happening now. Did you make this up on the spot right now, or is this just... Well, I mean, I kind of had to, because I drank a glass of milk before you guys left the Discord call, so I've just been sitting here for a week with a mustache just covered in milk. It looks a little wet right there on your thing, is that...
Yeah, he's tasting it. No, he's lapping. He's lapping. Yeah, it's horrendous. He's making fucking cheese on his upper lip. Yeah. As Ted just watches in horror with a terrible, terrible expression on his face, this actually segues us quite nicely into another idea that the smelly mo challenge just gave me. You had to work in a fucking shit on me into the segue? I already know what's coming.
I'm like 10. So I'm like, here it goes. It's actually something they did swagger to people they thought were witches in Salem. They'd get them on a nice canoe, perhaps sourced from the Native Americans nearby. They'd strap them onto a canoe and then feed them lots of milk and honey. Milk and honey. Milk and honey for days. Strap them out. And then they just...
Where's all the milk and honey going to go? You shit that right out. Yep. It builds up in the canoe. You get a bunch of birds just pecking at you. All bunch of animals as you sail into the void of the Pacific Atlantic Ocean. Swagger, I have to ask you a question. Do you know what he's...
Yeah, yeah. I feel like I fell asleep during an audiobook and it's transitioning into a nightmare. That's how I feel listening to you right now. He's gotten some key points inaccurate. Yeah. So he's talking about a method of torture and execution known as scaphism. Oh, I thought it was called the smelly boat shell. You just...
A bunch of fucking Vikings being like, "Hey, it's Sven Ferguson here! Yeah, we got the smelly boat challenge!" Time to send the smelly boat down to Wiver.
But yeah, basically what they do is they get two canoes. They would take whoever they wanted, torture and execute. They would force feed them a ton of milk, you know, unpasteurized back then. So this shit would go right through you. Add honey and a lot of honey.
So they would feed you a ton of it and then you'd shit it out into this canoe. And the idea is that you're strapped into this canoe and there's another boat on top of you. So it's basically a coffin with the sides open and your arms would be out in the water and the rest of your body would be inside. And
The boat, over a period of time, would fill up with feces and urine and what have you. And also, they would just throw milk and honey onto you before you'd even go out. And so the idea is that you're over a stagnant lake, a lake with no river, no running water. It's just stagnant. So all of the flies, all of the insects would start...
you know, going into the boat and "Oh look, there's shit!" and "Oh, there's milk and honey!" and "Oh, there's also rotting human flesh!" Oh, so this is a way to kill someone? Or is this a way to torture? It's both. It's like torture, it's just a terrible way to die. Yeah, it's torture for like weeks because, I mean like... Take notes, TikTokers! Basically over a period of a couple of days, these flies and insects will bury themselves into your flesh
and then lay eggs and then the maggots will... What type of flies are these? Well, you know, they're laying eggs onto your skin and then the idea is that when the eggs hatch, the maggots will start eating your skin and start eating your flesh. So you're eaten alive by these multiple insects and then you die. You die in your own shit, urine, and rotten flesh. That sounds like Los Angeles to my right voice. Yeah.
- That is like,
That's the moral of the story. You guys were giving me so much shit about having Swagger tell that story about his food poisoning, but then he just offers up this. I was just explaining what Shlatt was doing, dude. I know a lot about medieval torture. I did a lot of research into medieval period, medieval torture and shit. Just a thing to get in character or an interest slash hobby? Oh, interest slash hobby and also the character. Hmm.
Worrying, yeah. Well, now you've got to lean into it. I wasn't even surprised you knew what scaphism was. Yeah, it's a lot. I know a lot. What culture does it come from? This was, I believe, it was Nordic. I believe this was something Vikings practiced. Because I was going to say, if you're spread out like that and it's just a canoe, canoes are pretty easy to tip over. So wouldn't you just try to tip the boat? Well, you're strapped in. You just drown. Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, that's a better way to go. I'd take that over. That's what I mean. And I think they might have broken your arms and legs before going in there. Oh, okay. Well, I mean, that's a little caveat. Yeah, let me just interject here and just say also just so you know. They probably broke all of your limbs. They probably just broke into the joint.
to the point where moving it all would have been incredibly painful. Yeah. Well, I don't like, uh, I prefer oat milk and I'm not a big honey guy, so personally, I don't think I'd do this. Yeah, no, that's fair. I
I like milk and honey as much as the next guy, but I don't think I like it enough to get eaten by insects and drown in my own feces. That's fair. That's what they mean when they're traveling to the land of milk and honey. It's where they do that shit. Oh, shit. Wow. Is that something? That could be something.
Jeez. Wow, that's probably the first positive response I've gotten from Schlatt in four episodes. Swagger, you ever heard of the breaking wheel? Yeah, yeah, they break your arms and tie you around the fucking wheel. Yeah, the fucking breaking wheel. Yeah. Brian's bowl was kind of lit too. Ted, do you remember when you put me on one of those? Yeah, the brass bowl. The brass bowl? Yeah. We don't talk about that.
tie it up, put you over a fire? Yeah, well, no, it was this giant metal statue in the shape of a bull. This is the torture episode. Yeah, I mean, we don't have to go this route. You guys can stop me at any time. What if they could tickle you really bad? Here's the thing. It is interesting. I am interested in what you're saying. Yeah, I mean, there was this... I mean, you've heard of the bronze bull, haven't you? I...
It sounds sort of familiar. Does it have to do with boiling? We haven't faced off in a while, but yes. So basically, it was this massive brass statue, or it was bronze. It was one of those fucking weird orange metals. But it was this massive thing of a bowl, and it had a compartment on the inside for a person to be in. Oh, I've heard of this. And the airways in this bowl were shaped so that
the screams of people inside would echo through the chambers and go out the snout of this bull and make it sound like the bull was mooing. So it was this big, you know, this very fantastically designed art piece that
created by this fucking psycho. And he was like, hey, it works. It works. Someone pay me a lot of money. Like, I'll sell it to a king. So you pay me a lot of money to use it for his entertainment. And the king was like, I bet. Does it work? And the guy's like, yeah, no, it works for sure. He goes, oh, well, can you demonstrate how somebody would get in? And the guy was like, sure. And so he opens up the latch and he climbs in and the fucking king locks it behind him and he sets a fire under the bull and
And then he listened to the inventor of the bowl fucking burn to death in the Brian's bowl. And, and it worked. That's, oh my God. That is, that's like a fucking horror story. Well, I'm mad. Well, the guy fucking deserved it for making it. Like it's only fitting like that. He dies in this fucking horrible thing that he made to kill other people. And so it's kind of a happy ending. Yeah. Did the King ever pay him?
Probably not. Of course, that's what you worry about. It sounds like a raw deal. Well, he probably pitched it as... Sounds like a poorly monetized invention. Well, the king probably said, you know, this is just going to be like an unpaid internship for like an hour. And then afterwards we can discuss, you know, getting Jan full time. But obviously after the hour, he was just...
charred skin and bones. This is the problem with unpaid internships. Have you ever heard of, um, tarn feathering? Oh, yeah, it's very common practice. Charlie, have you heard of that? Yeah, of course. That's a fairly, like, common one, I feel like. That's so basic! It's what happened in the fucking American Revolution. All the fucking Britain sympathizers were tarned and feathered in public square. When I was in a...
musical in junior high was music man there was a mention of tarring and feathering someone and bringing them out to the city limits on a rail holy shit yeah yeah you fucking wait like within the musical or like well the actual action didn't but it was like there was a sentence in this musical I'm pretty sure where it's like
He's going to get like getting tarred and feathered and being brought to the city limits on a rail. So I assume it's like you fucking dunk him in the oil. You throw the feathers on him, the boiling oil, and then you strap him to like a railroad rail and you bring him to the city limits and you just plop him down there to die. Jesus Christ. Yeah. This sounds like a way I torture a guest in like Roller Coaster Tycoon. Oh. I mean, that would be...
Torture tycoon? The rail wasn't to die. It was just a big metal pole that they would strap the dude to like he was riding it like a horse and everyone would carry him and parade him through the center of the town. Oh, okay. No, I've definitely seen an image of that too. A lot of people lived through touring and feathering too. It just hurt a lot and it was, especially back in the day, there wasn't any like
fucking rubbing alcohol to get the tar off. So you kind of had to wait for your skin to just kind of peel off. Did you guys know that there's such a thing as a fourth degree burn? Oh, yeah. It's when it burns down to the bone. The bone itself burns. This is a fun episode. This is a really fun episode.
Hold on. Before the podcast goes any further, allow us to fulfill our contractual obligations. These days, the majority of shopping that we do is done online. And wouldn't you know, that's where today's sponsor, Honey, comes into play. It's the free browser extension that scours the internet for promo codes and automatically tests them ad check.
Now.
All you have to do is wait a moment as Honey checks all the codes it can find, and if it finds one that works, you'll just watch the prices drop. What did Honey save you money on recently, Mr. Schlatt? Well, Mr. Ted, I'll tell you one thing. You know where I'm from. Tell me where I'm from, Ted. You're from the good old city of New York.
That's right, and I like me some New York slices of pizza with my favorite mayoral candidate, Andrew Yang. Am I right? Chicken soup. Anyways, I saved a bunch of money on Papa John's recently, which has fantastic pizza. All I did was check out. The thing popped up. I clicked the button, used the code HoneyFound, and I saved a hell of a lot of money. Haha, nice.
Get Honey for free by going to joinhoney.com slash chuckle. That's joinhoney.com slash chuckle so they know we sent you. I love chuckling. Thanks again to Honey for sponsoring today's episode.
I'm having a great time. I'm having a blast. I'm trying to put some, trying to think of some fun little quips to throw in between. Charlie's thinking real hard about some puns right now. Yeah, he really wants some puns. I mean, it's like, you describe this fucking awful, terrible way to die, you know, and you're like, yeah, the inventor was killed, fucking like immolated from inside this thing as he just slowly cooked to death. And I'm like, that's so bull. And then we get a laugh track. That's so fucked, man.
Fucked, man. Like, what do you want? So, Schlatt, I've got something, a revealing thing for you right now. I looked up the pollution index comparison between New York City and Los Angeles, and New York is 57 and Los Angeles is 66. And that's pretty damn close. Schlatt, have you ever heard of this New York place before? I don't. New York is a distant memory, Ted. I moved away from New York. You lived there your whole life.
I was born there. Were you born in Los Angeles? No, I was born in Massachusetts where the air is clean. You took your goddamn 2003, falling apart, piece of shit, junkyard boys, Toyota Tacoma. He took his hand, he went bop, bop, bop, coughed it all up. All the smoke out like a smoke devil. I'm just saying, if you're going to be dragging on L.A., you better be giving that same amount to where you grew up.
Me leaving that place was enough of a punch in the face to it because the last good person left. Right, because of all the good deeds you did and the shoveling you did. I shoveled for my elderly neighbor who now has nobody left to shovel for him. Some say that Schlatt shoveled all of New York all on his own. Some may say, you know. One day he may even have to use both hands. Yeah.
Oh, man. I love how the second I moved to Texas, I take a once-in-a-lifetime snowstorm with me, and nobody has shovels. So guess what I did? Use your hands. Oh, you had to do more shoveling. Guess what I did? Guess what I did? I got my shovel out.
Did you bring a shovel with you? No, I didn't bring a shovel. I didn't do anything. Oh. You went searching for grandmas and you said, I need purpose! Exactly. And they all said no. And they all happened to have guns too, which was extra of a problem because it's Texas. Oh! I walked on my drive home.
Oh, sorry. Oh, no, you go ahead. All right. I was going to say that on my ride from the Austin airport to my house, I passed a shop that just said guns on it. Yeah. Like there was no name. Like it didn't, it wasn't like Billy's, it wasn't Billy's gun shop. It wasn't the Austin shooting range. It was just, it was literally just guns in big bold text. And I was like,
Fuck yeah, dude. We're still in broad strokes here in Texas. Do you think you'll actually purchase and own a firearm that you're in Texas? Oh, yeah. What are you looking into buying? Something that is big and loud. Loud isn't a problem. You could shoot a fucking .22 and your ears will ring. You could get a shotgun. I think the one that my buddy Tucker has is an 808, I think is what it's called. Ooh.
That'd be fun. 808? Is that what rappers use? Yeah, that's what those are. Some Bruno Mars shit. Yeah. Well, look, I'm actually going to go to the range with Trainwreck soon. Right. I was in Austin, Texas last year, or maybe the year before. It probably was the year before.
visiting my sister, when she used to live there. And we went to this place called The Range. Literally just called The Range.
Fucking so... I think that's actually where I've been. Yeah, so fucking cool. I went in there, they were like, you know, I was like, oh, wow. Like, I'm from out of state. They're going to have to, like, do a huge fucking background check on me. Like, I'm going to have to wait here for a fucking hour before I can shoot a pistol. And I walk in there, they're like...
Hey, you got a driver's license? And I was like, yeah, here you go. And they're like, all right. Yep, this checks out. You can drive a car. You can drive a gun. Exactly. And so, you know, they're like, you ain't got no criminal record, do you? I was like, nope, nope, no criminal record. They go, you ain't never stole nothing? I was like, no, no, I haven't done any of that. Not yet. Thanks.
not yet sir you're nice to your mom yeah he's like I'll take your word for it yeah he's like well you're over 18 so yeah you go for it and I was like alright cool and I fucking shot like five or six different guns it was so fucking sick full auto P90 was fucking hectic ooh when I was in when I was traveling over here um
late august i took my dad to this uh this gun range in south dakota and we got to shoot a 50 caliber machine gun oh nice yeah uh we it was the thing is about the 50 caliber machine gun is like it's they had it was also in an indoor range so it was really fucking loud you had to wear earplugs and then fucking headphones on top of that
Yeah, but it was... The guy who was showing us, like he was keeping an eye on us, he had one leg on it, and then my dad had another leg on these two parts of the tripod. Holy shit. I'm sitting there, sitting back, and I press the thing. And the bullets are so expensive, and...
We only had 10 in between me and my dad, so we both shot like five, but it was like, there was a kick to it, man. Damn. Yeah, they need like industrial bolts to hold them down until you put them in helicopters and shit. Yeah, yeah. They put them on top of trucks and stuff. Some of the stuff that Tucker has, my buddy Tucker has shot when he was in the Marines though, is like, he's shot like fricking...
Rockets. Rockets. That's ridiculous. He sat in the gunner thing of a tank. He got to shoot a tank, I'm pretty sure. Goddamn. Guns are cool. Yeah, they're so fucking sick. Dangerous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool. No, dude, when I'm on the range and all that, like... All your problems just melt away. Especially if I take my problems to the range with me.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
No, no. It's, uh, no, yeah, it's, uh, the range is, like... Charlie's stressing. Like, I'm, I'm, uh, you know, I love guns as much as the next person, but I understand, like, the seriousness in... Oh, yeah. Like, when you were holding a gun, like, your finger is off the trigger, you were pointing it in a safe direction, you're treating the gun like it's loaded, you have to know all the tenets of gun safety, and you have to be as fucking careful a bandit as possible.
Yeah, I suppose that is a good point to make for our listeners right now. We're not condoning you just walk into a range and say, fuck all to everything. Make sure that you actually know how to handle this very dangerous tool. Well, you don't want to be that fucking idiot that on his tombstone or in his autopsy it says, death by misadventure, because you were so fucking stupid that you picked up a gun at a gun range. He was like, hey guys, look at me. Ha ha.
I'm gonna pull the trigger and then you shoot fucking shoot your brains out like you don't want to be that fucking idiot for a bit that's actually like why when you own a gun it's like really important to have it locked away and stuff like that because one of the a big issue in the in the U.S. is um the way they they PSA about it is is family fire which is when like a kid will find like yeah the kid finds a fucking yeah
Yeah. The kid finds a gun in his dad's fucking underwear drawer and he's fucking like pointing it at his kid brother like it's the movies and fucking shoots and kills him. You know, like. Yeah.
I feel like if I had a gun in the house and I had like a young kid who was like, you know, I'd lock it away or like put it up on the mantel. Don't tell him where it is. Yeah. Or like if I had a gun on the mantel, like a fucking 38 special or like, you know, like a revolver. And I had it up on the mantel in a glass case with a lock or whatever. And, you know, the kid will be like 9 or 10 years old.
to the point where he's like looking at it and like you know getting ideas like oh i want to see how to get it you know i had this blah blah blah then at that point you just have to teach your kid like this is how a gun works like they're really dangerous like and then you just fucking take them out to the range and you're like you know shoot a couple of shots and that way all their curiosity is gone and and then they know how to use the gun safely yeah that's
You know, I don't think there's any... Yeah, there's two ways you can go about it. You could, like, completely remove them, but, like, as long as if you teach them in a very safe environment, then you can make sure that... Yeah, you know, well, you know, it's like drug use or drinking. Like, you know, when my kid is fucking 16, I'm going to be like, look, dude, here's two beers. Get drunk with me. Just so that my kid at 16 knows what it's like to be drunk.
So that way, when he goes to a fucking party and I go, where are you going? He's like, I'm going to my friend Tibby's house, Dad, okay? I'm going to go play games with Tibby. And then he goes to a fucking party and gets fucking wasted on Svedka fucking peach vodka. Like, fucking passes you, and he's just stomach pumped. Like, you need to, like, your kids need to learn, like, what their limit is. In a safe environment. What were you guys' parents like when it came to
and stuff when you were growing up? Did they ever give you guys opportunities to experiment? Yeah, and every big Italian fucking family here. So I'd go to Christmas or Easter, and all my extended family would be around a big table, and I'd be like 16, 17, and my grandma would just be pouring me wine. She'd be like, oh, it's Easter, it's Christmas, drink wine, drink wine. So I'd get fucking wasted with my grandma. Big Italian.
Get absolutely wasted with my grandma. Like, probably the most fun I've ever had drunk. That's one thing that I think is the coolest. At least, I mean, I can't speak for all families. But one of the coolest things for me about growing up, quote unquote, is how much chiller things become with me and my parents. Yeah. And how I can, like...
Become more like like pals with them in a way. Yeah, I think what it takes is I think honestly what it takes with that stuff is you just need to leave for a while and then come back like I Mean like hey, what's up? Good to see ya cuz otherwise if you're in the same house It's all yeah, it makes it harder like when it came to uh when it came to weed like apparently my dad just didn't my dad smoked weed in college and stuff, but it
He definitely stopped from when me and my sister were born up until maybe when I was going off to college. But then now as of late, when I'm calling and catching up with him, he'll talk about his weed and stuff that he bought and stuff. Actually, ever since it got legalized in 2016, he's got a little pen that he takes him. One time I went to a Red Sox game with my dad. Take that, Schlatt. Red Sox. Yeah. Yeah.
We'll get to the Red Sox game and he'll take something out of his pocket and we're like, what's that? And he's like, oh yeah, I brought my vape pen, my weed pen with me. He's getting high to watch a baseball game. That's sick. Even for me, I smoke weed pretty much daily, multiple times a day.
And I feel like when I get to the point where I have a kid, like where I'm in a relationship and I have to have a job and I need to like support my kids, you know, cause you have an infant. Well, like when you have an infant or a toddler or even all the way up to like, maybe they're, they're in their mid teenage years. Like,
You can't be fucking high. Like, you know, you're fucking, like, you know, like I'm going to be high as fuck and my wife's going to be at work, like sitting at home fucking playing games or whatever I'm doing in 10 years when I have a kid. Yeah, definitely in the context of like a relationship too, when you need to like take care of kids and stuff. Like I can definitely imagine my mom getting, like getting pissed off at my dad if he was ever high.
during the early years of when we were, me and my sister were a piece of shit. Because it's like, you know, I was like, change your diapers. Like, well, I'm so fucking high, I could barely lift my fucking eyelids. I'm not going to change his diaper. How high do you get, Swagger? You need to fucking be present like all the time with young kids. That shit's, it's a lot. Pick them up from school. What happens if they fucking fall off the tree house and break both their arms?
You'd be like, "Oh, I'm fucking high. I can't drive my fucking kid with two broken arms to the hospital." Yeah, kid, this'll take the edge off your butt. Yeah, I suppose.
This is nature's best medicine, kid. He's fucking smoking. Here, kid. I got two tickets to the Red Sox game and we're not going to miss it. I got season tickets, champ. I told the story already, but it's so funny how the day I broke my thumb, my dad is like, oh, yeah, you're fine. Let's go watch Transformers.
So right from the baseball game where I broke my thumb, we will fucking watch transformers. And I just stuck it in an, in an ice cup during the entire film. Worth it though. Megan Fox worth the price of admission. Yep. Jeez. Megan Fox was definitely for all the young boys who watched, uh,
I remember Megan Fox was like a name that was always like thrown around. Well, she was, she was in the magazine. That girl's hot. Like Megan Fox.
And I'm like, dude, I only remember Optimus Prime, bro. I can't help you. Didn't they rate Megan Fox as the world's hottest woman the year Transformers came out? She was like, the world's hottest fucking female, everyone. According to the board of men that...
that rate that rate women megan fox is officially scientifically proven to be the hottest person alive at this moment the world men organization yeah the organization the manhood yeah i mean if you if you look at the original like 2007 transformers though i mean michael bay was definitely being like i want to get some hot shots at megan
Because there's that one shot of her working on a car, and they're just like, ah, shot, and then her tits. Man. And then that's Transformers. Who's complaining? And then Shia LaBeouf's running around screaming for his life. Yeah, dude. He's running around in Transformers pointing at Megatron saying, he will not divide us! He will not divide us!
And then he's holding up like a flag. Oh, right. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Oh, that was my favorite part of the movie, dude. It was my favorite part of the movie. Did you guys see that internet? I was there for like, when I, she was like being live stream, dude, that was fucking hilarious. I just had the live stream on him. I had the monitor. I just watched these guys fucking go up to the, to the camera and just like skull milk.
And then, like, there was this one guy that was role-playing as Solid Snake, and he'd have the eyepatch, and he'd just fucking say the lines from Metal Gear Solid. It was so fucking funny. So for all those that don't have the...
that don't have the context for this, uh, do you want to go into a little more detail on what that whole thing was that with the, he will not divide us? What me? Yeah. Yeah. I suppose. I, I, is this, is this the one where they like set up a camera? So basically Shia, Shia LaBeouf was, was, you know, relatively, I would say he was, he was just a little bit upset that, that Donald Trump became the 45th president. Um,
Of the United States. Of the United States. He was, you know, I would say like a little peeved. He was a little peeved off. A little, oh, slightly perturbed. Slightly perturbed at this fact that Donald Trump secured the 2016 election victory over Hillary Clinton. So he decided like, hey...
Like, for the next four years, I'm going to have this livestream. And it was like an art thing. It was practically like an artistic thing. He's also done a lot of performance art-based stuff. I think there was some sort of art thing that he did. Yeah, he got naked and he put paint in his asshole and he shat colored paint onto a canvas.
So I didn't know about that one. That's bullshit. That didn't happen. That didn't happen. We've come full circle. We've come fucking full circle from the start before we were talking about this podcast. We were like, I'm going to get a new cat and it's going to spray everywhere. Turns out the cat, who was the catch?
Shia LaBeouf. That's right, baby. What I was going to say, though, is that he had this sort of performance art thing where he put a paper bag over his head. Yeah. And people would come in and do whatever they want to him, which was like... All while he was shitting. Why are you doing that in the first place, Shia? Are you trying to bait people into coming in and giving you a...
jacking you off or something you wear the bag that said i'm not famous anymore i mean i think that comes down to mental health but also you could you could argue that it's artistic expression but he obviously has been through the ringer in terms of his of his mental health that's gonna happen to any young actor like if you go up to shy laboff and you go yo dude i loved i loved your work and even stevens i reckon he would probably punch you in the nose um
But I don't know. I mean, like the whole he will not divide this thing was basically he set up a webcam. And the idea of this of this art was for the next four years, I believe it started in New York. For the next four years, this webcam in like this, this like kind of like little divot alleyway thing.
would always be on and then people would go in front of it and it would be like anti-Trump, which it was a big political thing, but they'd go and they'd demonstrate. But it was so quickly, so quickly co-opted by trolls online.
that lived in New York and they would just fucking walk over to the webcam and fucking and play like with speakers and fucking play like music and and and like go there and just fucking like dance or or say like shit that would that would basically provoke the crowd for entertainment so they would go there say something
ridiculous or offensive or whatever and then just fucking run away or troll Shia into trying to like punch them and like it was it was fucking like ridiculous to the point where like
I think people like called it bomb threats or something where a guy shut down. It was like a safety risk. So then he moved it. He moved it to like another place. It was like three times. He moved it to like the desert, right? Yeah. And people like triangulated. Yeah. Yeah. It was one. One. Yeah.
It's like after he realized that like all these trolls are just going to keep like inserting themselves into it. He just decided like, okay, random location in a random place. We're just going to point and
a camera and a flag that is always going to be raised that's going to say, he will not divide us. They made the mistake of including audio, though. Because then people figured out that there was a bullfrog. And they figured out where the bullfrog is from. They could hear...
They can hear the frog, dude. They heard the frogs croaking in the distance. And some dude online was like, oh, yeah, I'm a frogologist. It's this fucking frog, which is native to, like, this specific part of Tennessee. And so they looked over Tennessee. I'm a frog enthusiast and a troll.
They had people like triangulate fucking the stars, the constellations. They had people. Oh yeah, the constellations. To pinpoint. What the fuck? You know, they did like the whole like, you know, when does the sun set? Like that's the time, the local time. They had all the flight patterns. They triangulated it and then they got it to like a fucking like, like two or three square kilometer like search area. And then.
one dude was like, okay, I'm gonna drive by this area with a truck and just honk my horn, and if you guys can hear it on the livestream, then we're good. And he went by, and sure enough, you could hear the horn honking. And then, like a bunch of other people, when they found out where it was, they waited until the cover of night, and then they got like a fucking Make America Great Again flag and like a hat or whatever, and then they fucking pulled down the He Will Not Divide Us thing, and they put the flag up.
with the head and then after that it's funny because like say what you want about like the whole I'm not making a political statement it's just funny at the end of the day it's pretty funny it's fucking hilarious no matter what the political spectrum side of it is either the flag could have been anything the whole point was just to troll Shia LaBeouf because he would just get so fucking angry yeah it wasn't even a political thing it was just literally the internet versus Shia LaBeouf you know
Then I think after that he had a breakdown. I think he threw punches over the fact that he got the wrong... This wasn't even about this. He was at a restaurant and it was something over french fries. It was like either he had two little french fries or they weren't cooked right or something. And then he got into a huge argument and I think he threw some punches and
and maybe through French fry Shia LaBeouf. If you're listening to this podcast, you'd be more than, more than, more than, more than happy. Every episode I see him in the comments. I can't get away. Everyone would be more than happy. Shia LaBeouf comments. This is the worst one yet. And I'm like, God damn it, man. Shia, you could come on and defend yourself. I mean, I don't know for sure. I'm really just talking a lot of bullshit. So like, you know, don't be waiting in this chair for another seven days for you to
come on and defend yourself. I'll be ready. I'll be ready for it. But yeah, I mean, that's the whole context behind Evil Mountain Dividers. Shia LaBeouf. Star of 2003's Holes.
Oh, I see. And that Hulse was good. Yeah, don't you remember Shia LaBeouf? I remember. I don't know who he was in Hulse. He was my character. He was the main character. He was Zero. He was the kid. Zero was the silent kid. He was Stanley Yelmance. Yeah, I don't think he was the kid that was... No, that was Zero. Zero was his buddy that didn't talk. Can you imagine being under a car and eating like...
peaches out of a can in the desert. Yeah, dude. I like the one thing where they climb the mountain and they find that little area that's covered in water and they're pulling out onions from the ground. Yeah.
I legitimately thought like, oh, that's an ice cream sundae? Like, that's really weird. They were talking about the onions? They were talking about the onions. So they were like, imagine it was an ice cream sundae. But he was just telling the kid it was an ice cream sundae. I was like, that's a really weird looking ice cream sundae. That doesn't make any sense. I was like, this movie is stupid. And I stopped watching it.
Fun fact about holes, actually, that I only learned. That's not an ice cream, so I had to fucking turn it off. I only learned this once I got my pet in the fourth grade because we had to rewatch it for some school thing, I think. You know the yellow spotted lizards? The scene where they dig this hole and they're like, stop, those lizards will kill you. And it's just like these very poisonous lizards crawling all over them. They're actually bearded dragons that they just painted yellow.
Really? They put some little paint on them to add yellow spots, called them yellow spotted lizards. I hope they got properly compensated for that role. I hope they did. Yeah, I hope they got a lot of crickets after that. But the only reason I cared about that was because I had a bearded dragon back in the day. Oh, wow. So I thought that was cool. Yeah, speaking of lizards, I found one in my house yesterday.
Really? How big was it? Look at this big. Did you eat it? No, no. I grabbed it with a cup before it ran under my refrigerator and before Bear would eat it. So I put this cup over the lizard and then I put a piece of paper under it and then lifted it up and I moved the cup and then it looked at me and then all of a sudden he just detached its fucking tail and his tail was flapping around all over the cup and I was like, you fucking idiot. I was going to eat you. Are you fucking kidding me?
Are you fucking serious? You weren't even holding onto its tail? No! Did it take its tail to make it feel better? No, I literally moved the cup and it looked at me like this. And then it- fucking tail's fucking flapping, hitting the fucking thing, it's going ding ding ding on the fucking glass. And I'm like, "WHY?! Why'd you do that?!"
Now he's not gonna have a fucking tail! He's like a one-trick pony! He's gotta wait like fucking three months to grow his fucking tail back so he can sever it again. And for what, you know? Yeah, they grow them back. Yeah, dude, but like, take them forever. Now, like, you know, then I put him outside and he's tailless. What happens when a fucking raven comes down and tries to eat him and he doesn't have a tail to detach? Ha ha ha!
I honestly should have just fucking crushed it under the heel of my foot and just put it out of its misery. It does sound like you're really pissed about the fact that this lizard ran away from you. It didn't run away. It was caught. It was already caught, and I was going to put it outside. The lizard was so fucking stupid that it was like, I'll just fucking detach my tail for fun. What we've learned...
What we learned today on the Chuckle Sandwich podcast is that Swagger Souls has absolutely no patience. I should have stomped on its head with the heel of my boot. Swagger Souls. I should have skidded. You can leave it in there.
I should have stomped it with the heel of my boot and skidded it on my marble floor and had a red smear. Don't viscerally describe you stomping on this lizard. Swagger Souls has absolutely no patience for stupid lizards is what we've learned.
You know what? I don't want this guy in the podcast anymore. Why? He's making me kind of uncomfortable. I don't know. I've just been so uncomfortable the whole time. You've just been talking and I just... He was talking about how he was destroying lizards. He's telling us about torture devices. I see that milk spot just getting bigger and bigger. And I just keep looking at that milk spot. You're just curdling over there, man.
You know, as the creator of the Chuckle Sandwich podcast, I'm going to make an executive decision, boys, and I think we're all on the same page about this. Yeah. Swagger Souls, unfortunately, I think we're going to have to let you go. What do you mean? I think you are no longer a member of the Chuckle Sandwich podcast, unfortunately. Looks like it's down to two members and Ted now. I mean, we've never had to do this. I'm sorry. No, you know, this almost feels like a torture. Well, it's true.
It feels like we've detached our tail. Why don't we ask? It feels like I'm in a cup right now. I'm struggling around, and you're the tail, Swagger. You've been detached. Let's ask the people that matter, the live studio audience, okay? What do you guys think? Do you want me on for another episode? He's going to hit a button on his GoXL. Hands up, Swagger. Keep your fucking hands up. No, he's not. I saw it. No, no.
Where we can see him. Keep your hands up. Swagger, one more time with your hands up. Ask the studio audience. Okay. Do you want me to stay? Get that hand in the air with us.
He hit him in his elbow. Oh, my God. Okay. Swagger. Swagger. I hear Shia. I hear Shia in there. He's in there. Hands behind your heads. Straight up. Straight up. Hands behind your head. Straight up, you little bastard. Okay? Don't you dare move. Now, does the live studio audience want Swagger to stay?
That's dead silence. That's... It sounds like... What? We saw your hand move. And it hit the boo button. You're not helping the case, man. This is the exact reason. This is the exact reason. This belligerency is the exact reason why we're kicking you off. Your step...
He's stepping on lizards. He's putting people in boats covered in milk and honey. I didn't step on the lizard. I'm saying I should have. I'm saying I ought to have. That's enough. We're done here. We're done here. Swagger, do you have any final words here before you leave the Chuckle Sandwich once and for all? Well, it was fun. It was fun to be on twice in a row. Yeah.
And, you know, I was a little upset because you guys, after the first one, you guys were like, look, you know, you were so good. If you stay in this Discord call for a week and you don't leave, if you stay in the Discord and you stay for a week, then you can be on the Chuckle Sandwich podcast as a member. And I said that to you, Oink. Sure. Let me set the record straight. We all showed up to do our weekly podcast and all of a sudden we hear,
Hello? Hello? Is anyone there? That sounds a lot like Swagger Souls. He's in here and he's breathing. Really, really. He's like... And this whole time I have Shia LaBeouf in my DM saying, when can I come on? When can I come on? I say, you can't. We have Swagger on right now. Swagger says that he doesn't know how to use Discord. He forgot in a week. So we were feeling bad. We had to keep him on. We thought it would be fine. Clearly. Clearly it wasn't. Yeah. Yeah.
We check the topics chat. We check the topics chat. And it's just full of torture, gun, alcohol. I should have stepped on the lizard. I should have stepped on him. I should have stepped on him. Kill that damn lizard. Kill that fucking lizard. You know what, Swagger? If there's one thing I think I'd have to say to you, it's next time, pull your weight. All right.
I can do that. Thank you guys so much for listening to the Chuckle Sandwich Podcast. This has been episode, I don't know, fucking seven. Episode seven. Hey, episode seven. Shut your fucking mouth. You don't get to say that. You don't get to say that. Shut the fuck up. Shut your fucking mouth. Get out of here. Check you later. Have a good one, guys. Thanks.
America, we are endowed by our Creator with certain unalienable rights, life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. By honoring your sacred vocation of nursing, you impact your family, your friends, and your community. At Grand Canyon University,
Our online RN to BSN, MSN, or DNP degree programs allow you to balance online coursework with local in-person clinical, practicum, or immersion hours. Find your purpose at GCU. Private. Christian. Affordable. Visit gcu.edu.