Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
Okay, Schlatt, I have a question for you. Yeah, what's up? How would you feel if Charlie and I revealed something really embarrassing to you right now that we've sort of had in the works for a while, but we think this has gone on too long? Is it about me? Yeah, no, it's about you. It's a little thing that we've got going on. Charlie and I have hired a hitman.
More like a hit barber. Oh, this. Oh, this little thing. We've sent someone that's going to come to your house in about a month or so, and they're going to shave those mutton chops off. You're going to lose them. I'd like to see them try. I'd like to see them try. Here's what I can do, Ted. No, no, no, because there's something I always sleep with that keeps me safe at night.
- Monkey's nuts. You're gonna hit, you're gonna bash in the face of a barber. - Dude, this thing is 30 pounds. This thing is 30 pounds. - But you really think that'll stop the Pope? - He's showing us a statue of the monkey with the nuts right now. It's like a bronze statue that he's got. - Oh Jesus fucking Christ. - He's literally licking his nuts. - He's licking nuts and welcome to Chuckle Sandwich. - Hey all you butter and pieces of bread. Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich, the best sandwich on the planet. I'm eating chicken.
Welcome, guys, to the, I don't know what number, where are the number 15 podcast, number 20 podcast? Just kidding. Ted, ask me why I'm eating chicken. Ted, ask me why I'm eating chicken. Okay. Why are you eating chicken? I'll tell you why. Because I had the most fantastic dinner tonight with the most fantastic people of all time. Let me tell you exactly what happened. I'm a fan of Korean barbecue. You know that? Yeah. You know why? Why?
The beef bulgogi. The bulgogi. Exactly. The beef fucking bulgogi. So I go down to Korean barbecue bulgogi place, and it's going great. And it's going great, right? I enjoy beef bulgogi. We have the hot plate. You know, you take the tongs. They just give you raw meat. By the way, easiest business idea of all time, just open up a Korean barbecue restaurant. You don't even have to cook the shit.
Yeah, you don't have to. You just hoard piles of meat in the fridge. And when people ask, you bring it out and they cook for you. They'll cook it if you make them angry enough, though. And they don't even have to take the time to develop their menus either. All they got to do is just like, let's just put together a list and then they can buy that list. And then they tell us what they want from the list. And then we'll just come over, give them a fucking iron bowl with all of the meat just tossed in. Exactly, exactly.
And a really hot rock. They probably don't even know what they're picking. You just give them a bunch of something. A truck comes out with all the meat and a really hot rock. You put the meat on the rock. Fucking easy. All you need is a microwave to run a Korean barbecue restaurant. You just heat up a rock and then put food on. Anyways, the meat's coming out. Right, guys? The bulgogi's coming out. I'm cooking the bulgogi. I'm taking bulgogi. Put it on the plate.
Cook bulgogi, delicious. Most delicious thing in my life. I eat so much of this. So much of this stuff. Like, we get three fucking servings of this shit, and I'm cooking it, and around the second serving, I'm feeling a little bit full, but I'm brave tonight. I'm feeling brave. Some might say my eyes are bigger than my stomach, but I order another dish.
Another plate of bulgogi comes out. And around halfway through, I am feeling full. I mean... Big. He's feeling large. I am feeling big. Very big. I could not eat... He's in the giant peach big. I could not eat another bite of bulgogi, even if I wanted to. I bet you did. The waitress comes by. I ask for the check. She brings the check. And she says, You know, there's a surcharge if you leave meat on the plate. Oh, gosh, that...
How much meat did you have left? How much did you leave on that side? It was... There was a pile of meat on that thing. Oh, no. There was a pile. There was a pile of meat on the plate, boys. And you know what the worst part is? What? It had been on the plate for like 20 minutes, and it was all burnt. Oh, God.
And I say to the lady, I say to the waitress, this nice waitress who did a terrible job of serving me the whole time. She forgot my sweet corn. She didn't bring hot sauce out until I was like on my second plate of bulgogi. She gave me the wrong drink when I asked for a refill. She gave me fucking Dr. Pepper. I drink Diet Coke. And so this was the last fucking straw.
This is the last fucking strong. So I exploded. I exploded at her and I said, ma'am, you, you, you really should have told me that before I got another helping of Bogogi and then left it on the fucking plate. As I'm trying to scrape it off the plate with the tongs, it's literally charred on the other side.
charred fucking meat. Why did you leave the... Because I was done eating it! I was done eating it! That's where the meat goes. They give you these tiny little plates that can't fit anything. And you're supposed to... You know, as it's cooking, you take a little bit, you put it onto your plate. That's how the place works. You're telling me that your normal way that you go about cooking is that you're cooking something, you're cooking, you're having a good time, and then you determine how much you want to eat of that, and then you leave the rest of the food...
On the hot burner still cooking? On the turned on burner. I'm done. I was done. I was done. No one else was going to eat this shit. I was done eating it. Have you ever heard of the concept of cooking at home? Bro. Because I'm
They do not give you enough real estate on the plates to put the pile of meat that was left onto the plate. It just wouldn't work. But the meat had to come on a plate before you moved it onto the burner. Oh, that's true. Yeah, we did have a big plate. I don't mean to...
I was just thinking about that now. That was totally a huge plate off to the left side. Regardless, the meat stayed on the burner and it was charred and burnt and disgusting. And I say to the lady, miss, you really should have told me about this posse before I left it on the burner. And now it's, I'm just fucking trying to scrape it off. With all my food when I'm done with it. Fucking scrape it off with a wooden little chopstick.
that's singeing as I try and pull all the meat off and I put it onto the plate finally and it's a huge pile of meat. And I'm like, miss, I can't, I'm not eating this. This is burnt meat and it will not taste good. And you should have told me this policy before I ordered the third one. And like, that's just something you should say. By the way, if you don't eat the food, we charge you for what you leave. So I hate to break this to you, Shalat. Yeah. But when we went out for Korean barbecue last,
LA when you guys were out here for chuckle week we did go to a place that happened we talked about it because we talked about because remember the strategy that we that we were told about for getting rid of the meat that you could have done what you take the meat right uh-huh to get you just start piling into your mouth you got a full mouth and then you think you're sitting there with a full mouth of people go you think yourself oh I need to go to the bathroom so you walk to the bathroom and
And you take a big, quote-unquote, dump in that bathroom. Big dump. Flush. You blow up that bathroom. Yeah, no. Whoever we were there with, somebody, I don't know if it was Charlie or if it was Shay, like somebody told us about somebody going to the bathroom. I didn't realize this was happening. Or I would have said something. No, no, it wasn't happening to us. This was a...
This was a separate story entirely. You beast. But you should have done that. You should have just shoveled all that shit in your mouth and then gone to the bathroom and taken a big quote unquote dump. It's still raw on the plate. Not going to stop me. Bro, you don't understand. I was locked in. I was locked down. She was staring at me. What do you mean you were locked in?
Dude, I kid you not. The restaurant was not too crowded tonight. It was not too crowded. Tuesday night, waitress isn't doing much. She was at the fucking table. Even if I recalled that bit of information, she would not let it fly if all of a sudden I just started piling all the meat into my mouth and walked in. No, you say...
Ma'am, I have to shit. How much do you think that they pay her to care that much? Do you think that they pay her enough? I don't know. That's the thing. If you were like, I have to go to the bathroom. Imagine that exact situation. Schlatt's just like,
There's a surcharge. He goes, oh no. And then he just starts piling it in his mouth. And then someone from across the room, one of the people who works there, he's like, he's going for the bathroom. He's doing the bathroom technique. It's like it's fucking tackled by like three of the workers. Dude, you make like, you don't make that much. You don't own equity in the fucking business. Why do you care if some of your raw meat goes missing? Buy more. You don't even have to prepare it. I don't understand. It's so silly.
And I said, Miss, I laid out my whole spiel, my whole reasoning as to why I was not going to eat this extra meat. You were monologuing. A filibuster. Good old fashioned. And she straight up just says, no, you have to eat it.
Unless you're going to pay for more meat. And so she grabs you by your stupid fucking man bun and starts pushing you towards the plate. And you said, no, no, I don't want it. They don't want it. You're like, but ma'am, I only have the amount for the exact amount I expected to eat. And she says, well, I guess you'll have to pay for it in another way. And she says, consume, boy. And I had to...
And she was not taking it. She was not taking it. I mean, like she was really allegiant to this capitalist business.
And so... You're going after capitalism now? That's your thing? This is capitalism's fault. This is capitalism's fault. That's what I'm saying, man. I don't want to pay for extra meat that I didn't... Like, it's not my fault. You already paid... It's already buffet style. You gotta pay somewhere. I already paid like 30 bucks. Like, it's not 30 bucks of meat that they pulled out. To be fair, you say it's an easy business. Any buffet, right? You can't just...
pile your fucking plate high. Well, actually, I guess... Yeah, you can! No, they don't let you, like, take it all, right? But I've never seen it so that if you leave buffet stuff on your plate, they get mad at you. I will say, I've never seen that. They do. That's how it works here. That's how it works in Korean barbecue, apparently. And I just didn't remember. I didn't remember. And she didn't tell me
And she didn't let me off the hook. And so here I am eating burnt meat. Like, my dinner was so delicious. You got to go to Squid Game next week just to pay off the balkonis. Exactly.
Like my dinner was so good. I love Korean barbecue. I love it so much. Ted knows how much I fucking love beef bulgogi. He really does. It is my favorite food. It is the only food that I have like a subconscious response to really good tasting food where I'll close my eyes as I'm eating it and like shake my head like, no, there's no way. There's no way it tastes this good. It's the only food that makes me do that. And I was loving it before. I mean, it was just such a good night.
And then I had to eat like half a pound of charred, burnt, disgusting bulgogi because I was not going to pay extra money for leaving it on the plate. Man, I can only imagine how miserable you must have been. Oh, it completely ruined the dinner. You sort of deserve this, though, in many ways, though. You've got the Pope behind you, and you know. What are you talking about? No, you know. Turn to the Pope and maybe say a prayer because you know that gluttony is a sin. Ted, where was God that night? I don't know, man.
How is it gluttony? How is it gluttony? I didn't even eat all the meat. No, you know what I think it was, Ted? I think it was greed. I think there was a little bit of greed. You know what? I think there was a twinge of lust. Well, honestly, there was greed because then he engaged in gluttony by shoving more of that meat into his mouth so he didn't have to use his money. So he had a double whammy sin right there. Tonight, Ted, it seems like the wrath is really coming out tonight. Oh, my God. Well, God damn. Let's lock this man six layers deep.
That's what I think. Exactly. That's what I'm thinking. You know, Schlatt, I think that you really, you really could have, this could have gone better for you in terms of the money section, though, if you had known about this one restaurant in China. Have you heard of this restaurant? Well, I've seen it a couple times on Reddit or something, but there's a restaurant, at least in this case in China, that it's really terrible. It offers discounts to people based on
what size they can fit through of these metal bars. If you look in the chat there that I've put, it's a bunch of metal bars. And depending on which one you can fit within, you get a higher discount if you're skinnier. Wow, so you'll eat less. So for the people that go there all the time...
They pay like full price for the the I think the idea is like the people who are, you know, eating a lot and are gaining more weight. Are there customers that they want to be paying full price? So if the I don't know.
Maybe they just hate bad people. It's kind of a really bad way to get people to come back, though, isn't it? Oh, it's incredibly messed up. I don't think that anything like that would necessarily fly in the United States. Eat here one time, we'll love it. Eat here twice, we will body shame you immediately at the door. Look, that's just not how you run a business.
What's raffling Clowners, and I just wanted to take a second to thank the sponsor for this episode, HelloFresh. With HelloFresh you get fresh pre-measured ingredients and seasonal recipes delivered straight to your doorstep. You can finally skip those annoying trips to the grocery store and make cooking fun, easy, and affordable. Fall can be crazy, and time can be hard to find, but HelloFresh helps you save time on the meal prepping, the grocery shopping, and the chopping so you can get back to doing what you love.
After all, that hedgehog you gotta get done for your advanced balloon animals class won't knot itself. And not just that, HelloFresh is over 30% cheaper than going to the grocery store. You'll be saving time and money on not buying excess foods with their pre-portioned ingredients. When I was in actual real college,
My classes and YouTube left me with not a lot of time. So Grace and I actually cooked a bunch of HelloFresh meals and it saved us a lot of time, a bunch of money, and was generally just really fun to get in the kitchen with someone and have cooking made easy. One of our favorites was the pulled pork with the pineapple salsa. So if you get the chance,
Gobble, gobble. So, my hungry, hungry boys, go to HelloFresh.com slash Chuckle14 and use code Chuckle14 for up to 14 free meals, including free shipping. That's HelloFresh.com slash Chuckle14 and use code Chuckle14. HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit. Eat it. Let me tell you, and I guess the moral of the story, how not to run a business...
Also, is to give your clients a delicious, delicious meal, have them thoroughly enjoy the whole thing, and then at the end say, no, you have to eat all the burnt shit too.
or else we're gonna make you pay. Yeah, I didn't tell you before you started eating or before you ordered that, but now that you're here and you said you're done and there's still meat on the table, burnt? Ted, it probably, I'll be honest, it probably did. A lot of this seems incredibly self-inflicted. Well, yeah, I feel like this is really... Well, okay, Schlatt. I'm the victim here. Admit I'm the victim. How did it burn, Schlatt? How did it burn? It sucked. It sucked. It sucked, so it burned? I'm telling you, completely ruined my dinner. That doesn't really link in my...
in my head I feel like I'm missing a couple little pieces here. Did you think, Schlatt, that when you walked into this restaurant, they were like, welcome to our Korean barbecue restaurant. Also, if you don't eat all of the food, we will charge you. Here's the fine print. Please read and sign this. I'm saying, like, I mean, you should make it
It's abundantly clear that if you order another plate and you don't eat the whole thing, we're going to charge you before the fucking food comes. How much is the- Bathroom. Bathroom's right that way. X-rays next to it to scan you for secret meat. I guess we got to sort of determine what the reason and level for this absolute fucking drama that you've brought onto the podcast is, Schlatt. How much was the surcharge? I didn't even-
I didn't care to ask. All I know is that I was not going to pay. You didn't even fucking read it. You didn't even read it. It could have been $2. You goddamn swoon. It could have been $2 and I still would have eaten that. There is not a single part of this problem that isn't you, man. I still would have scraped all that fucking burnt bulgogi off the hot plate and eaten it myself. I still would have done it. I was not going to pay a fucking surcharge. Fuck you. Oh my God, dude. This is like...
That's like you getting mad at the bus for leaving after you got there. And he would. And then he'd come on to the podcast about it. But the bus was on time. It's a self-inflicted wound. No, this is not a self-inflicted wound. No, I'm the victim in this situation. Yes, it is. And you're fucking... You're bleeding out all over our show right now. You're bleeding out over the floor. You're covered in... Yes, you are.
- Crispy beef bulgogi. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. - Oh my goodness. - I smell a little bit of burning. Is that your pants? Is that your pants? Ooh, I think they might be on fire. - And you wanna know what I did at the end of that dinner, guys? You wanna know what I did? - You whore? - I love, I love really beating the working class down to a bloody pulp. And so what I do, what I do when I get terrible service or when someone wrongs me,
I don't give them no tip. I give them such a minuscule tip that it's painful for them to type that shit in. You move a decimal point over on the percentage. Let me get this fucking straight. You saw the surcharge and you said no. No.
By no fucking mean am I gonna pay you extra because this is bullshit. You eat like a pound of meat you didn't want to that you left on the grill. You get the check and instead of leaving no tip, you say, you know what? I think this needs a fucking surcharge.
Are you goddamn insane, man? Are you fucking crazy? Five cents. Five cents. One fucking nickel. I'm giving you a one fucking nickel tip.
And you're going to go back to the register and you're going to punch that shit in. You're going to punch in 0.05 for your fucking stipend, you prick. No, this is like the snake that eats its own tail and then just disappears into oblivion. This is like pettiness collapsing in on itself to just create the same situation it was before. You'll never wrong Shled again. What?
Next time you see me in this restaurant, you better know what's coming.
So you decided that you didn't like the restaurant's company policy. So you said to yourself, I'm going to make the waiter pay for this. I'm going to punish this person. Yeah, I'm going to punish this person by eating all this meat and then paying them. I'm going to punish this person who's struggling to make ends meet and has to go home and say to their loved one, someone gave me a nickel.
I just imagine how funny it must be. This is the stupidest thing you've ever come on the show with. This is so unbelievably circularly dumb. It's fucking incredible. Imagine you're like eight hours into a shift. It's a no bones day. The fucking dog didn't stand up. It's too fucking tired. It's so fucking stupid.
It's so close to death, and you're just like, well, fuck. Well, fuck. It's time to work a shift, and then you get a 5%...
Can you imagine, no, just being this woman and just watching you say no. And just... And just scoop up, burn me. And then just angrily on the fucking verge of spilling their guts, just taking this fucking check, looking her in the eyes and putting .05. What?
Well, you are just in your fucking belt between the decimal points. What is wrong with you, man? What is wrong with you? Imagine that fucking walk of shame back to the register when you see you've been tipped. Dude, you are fucking
Imagine typing that in 0.05! Meanwhile, fucking Schlapp cannot get himself out of the booth. Here's what it is. Here's what it is. It's commentary. It's social commentary on what I like to call "crapitalism." That's definitely the kind of situation that the waiter would follow you out of the restaurant and like try to start some shit with you. No, sir. They'd be off their post and be fired.
I'd simply complain to the manager. You're the reason why restaurants include gratuity in their checks. Well, no, that's what I'm saying. They should. That waiter should be like, fuck this five cent tip. That's how it works. That's how it works. You're the reason why they charge extra at the buffet because they hope you'll eat it all and die. I saw a Reddit post once because I'm a Redditor.
About this it was like one of those like like very infuriating post or something where a waiter had posted a Check and it was this guy who you know He got like a $400 dinner and he left like he left like maybe a $10 tip But it was okay because he put his number on the on the check after oh you get my number to Call me and call me and you'll get the rest of your tip. Oh
Oh, that's funny. Yeah, that's great. That's awesome. Fucked up. And why is that? That guy, Schlatt. That was me. I left that tip. I left that tip. I didn't get a call either. We're really weird. Schlatt, do you ever think about how easy it would be to find you if you killed a person?
You were the most easily identifiable person. There's no way that you could run from the authorities with those goddamn lunch shops. Why would I run from the authorities? If I killed someone, I would care. I'm not saying I would kill someone, Ted, but if I did, I would fucking... Today seemed like it was pretty close, man. I'm not so sure. I would flip my fucking social security number down on the corpse. I'd do it.
You'd you'd you carry around walk myself to the court like bitch. I did that people have x-rated Johnny don't want to go to school no more. Oh my goodness Okay, so you would not know you you would just know you just take the electric chair. That's what you do Yeah, why not? Don't they have capital punishment in uh in texas?
Do they have that there? Yeah, that's why I moved here. What's the capital of Texas? I really like the whole capital punishment law. What, do they sell tickets to the execution?
That's how they make money. There's no state tax, but you could go to the executions. That's what you do on a Friday night. Yeah, me and a couple of the guys are going to the mass murderers. Yeah, this guy. This guy's made three innings. We're going to watch the state executed guy for a gram of marijuana. Oh. Yeah, that's fun. Oh, no. Well, hey, listen, I want to be completely honest and upfront. I tip very well unless...
You make me eat, burn meat. Unless anything happens. You so much as look at me funny. No, I left almost 20%. I left almost 20%. Unless they ever imply that you would have to pay more, like any sort of surcharge whatsoever. So what do you do when you go to...
If you were to go to the grocery store in like, I'm pretty sure in New York this is the case. Sniff your mustache. They charge in New York for bags at the grocery store. You're telling me that when you go to the grocery store, you're just going to start whaling on the cashier? No, no. That's one of the reasons I moved. Fuck you, Andrew Cuomo. Yeah. Fuck Andrew Cuomo.
Andrew Cuomo is not the one. A little bag policy? A little bag policy? He's not exclusively the one charging you for your bags. Andrew Cuomo is big bag. He's big bag. They call him big bag? I didn't know that. The more you learn. I will say the charging on bags I feel like has just led me to spill more small items across the floor. It makes me feel a little bit more romantic about the bags.
Really? Wow. It's like, I go there and I'm like, oh, well, if I gotta pay for the bags, that must mean these are pretty nice bags. Oh, really? I just pile them up like a Scooby-Doo sandwich and like kind of teeter-totter on. I try and get the hand sanitizer on the way out to stick out an arm before it all falls over. What's the most that you've ever teeter-tottered, Charlie?
Tell me about your teeter-tottering experience. What are you looking for? Are you looking for a number? I don't know. Listen, man. If I were to ask you this question, what would you say? Charlie, I'm asking you a really serious question right now. If you could not laugh at the question for a second. Okay, okay. So I'm going to repeat the question, and I'm going to need you to give me an answer. Narrate what I'm doing. I'm going to try and sort this out. Are you ready for the question?
Charlie, when was the most quality time that you ever teeter-tottered? Hang on. I think I'm getting something here. Are you trying to make that moment now? He's teetering. Charlie currently is doing a little bit of teetering. I don't know if you're doing much tottering. But I didn't.
Oh, that was close. That was close. We almost had a spill on our hands. All right. Should I go switch in legs? All right, that's enough teeter. I get it. You can teeter totter. Are you scared that... Oh, but you asked for the most, Ted. Why stop now? He's not going to stop. He's not going to stop breathing, too, so I can't even see him after half of it. Whoa, here I go. Charlie, are you sometimes scared that you might topple? I'm horizontal. I'm like a big Jenga tower, and I'm scared the wrong block is about to get pulled.
Oh, he fell. Oh, he actually fell. That was a funny bit. I like how he did that at the end. He fell on the floor. He committed to it, too, is what's nice. He did. He did. I was scared. It looked like I committed because I fucking tripped. That was some pretty top-notch teeter-tottering, Charlie, and I'm sorry that I ever doubted you, to be honest. All right, Ted, let's see you try and one-up it, then. No. No. We won't be doing that. Yeah.
So it doesn't seem like you're really scared of entering any sort of teeter-tottering, Charlie. But I mean, you know, I did that because I thought that there was maybe something you were scared of. Because we're getting close to spooky season right now, so I'm sort of curious. I mean, what are you guys most scared of, you know?
Spooky seasons around the corner. People are going around. They're doing, there's, there's green, green, green ghouls out there greener than you've ever seen. Yeah. Um, I mean, probably, you know, from like when you go out, you kind of see some creepy stuff probably for me. Uh,
I think the scariest thing is knowing that the most realistic answer is that when you die, that's it, and there's just nothing. It's not like black, and you stop existing. What the fuck is wrong with... How dare you? You'll be forgotten. How dare you bring that onto our carefree chuckle sandwich podcast? Besides that, probably second clowns
You know? There were killer clowns on Staten Island for a time. There were killer clowns on Staten Island. Yeah. Remember when... Oh, my God. Wait. That was fucking crazy when that happened. I forgot about that incident. Remember when clowns were roaming around Staten Island for no reason? It wasn't just Staten Island, dude. It was... Oh, they expanded. Yeah. Yeah. No, it was the epidemic before the coronavirus was the clown virus. Dude, I only ever saw...
clown hunters i never saw clowns wait okay so i did not i saw snapchat stories of people like marching with batch looking for clowns and i'm like what do you mean some of my friends during that time clowns what clowns okay some of my friends were absolutely 100 the same exact fucking thing dude i go on instagram or like snapchat and see my friends were like
Going into forests just with bats on the off chance that someone was like was like LARPing as a killer clown. So here's the thing about killer clowns. For every one clown, there's a hundred people trying to kill it. Okay. Just to give an explanation for our people that don't know what we're talking about. In 2016, if you don't remember, there was a clown panic where
where I don't know what was in the air in 2016. Like, you know, something was going on that year. Like, the internet was quite edgy. The politics was quite edgy. And for some reason, people were dressing up as clowns and going around and just hovering in the woods. And people were like, why is this happening? I'm not convinced it ever actually did happen. I didn't know that...
I guess I'm just not friends with people who are anchoring for a clown. I never saw the clowns or pictures of the clowns, but I saw thousands of people mobilizing to kill them. I don't know what that means. I can't comprehend what that means. Now that I'm thinking of it, it's so weird. Very little clowns. I saw very few clowns. What a surprising fact.
What was that all about? We can mobilize our entire country against these nebulous reports of clowns showing up, but then a worldwide pandemic happens and we don't know exactly what we should be doing. Do you think there was just some guy online, just fucking clown hater, and he was just like, hey guys...
Let's go get them. Let's go kill these fucking things, dude. Let's up the prejudice against the clowns. They don't get enough shit already. I remember seeing an article, like an unironic fucking sad article about this lifelong clown who they did an interview with who was like, yeah, man, no one's booking me anymore.
Oh no. He went to clown school and everything. It was really sad. It was really sad. He went to clown school. He devoted his entire life to being a clown. And in 2016... And in 2016, he finally was. Wow. He was the clown, yeah. Would you guys ever try out clown school?
What a stupid fucking question. Do I want millions of people trying to kill me and find me in the woods? It's been five years. Surely the prejudice against clowns has gone down. I'm not asking if you would... You could say, like, I could say clowns are coming on social media and it would happen again, man. It's so fucking easy. You think we could rile up the next generation of clown hate?
I think that we could probably get something going there. We could snuff out the clowns now if we wanted. When I say if you would ever try clown school, I'm not saying like, would you go try clown school, become a clown, and then just start roaming the streets? Well, I'm not going to get my fucking clown diploma and just sit on it. What do you think clowns do normally, Charlie?
But what do you think they do normally? I mean, what you just described. Normal clowns. Roaming? Maybe. Like an NPC? What do you think their purpose is in the first place? You go to clown school and they're like, all right. Until you find a nice horde. Once you get the clown degree, you just walk out.
of the building and never stop walking. What a strange thing to be uninformed about. Maybe I'll settle down and rent a fucking sewer. There's only so many options. The strangest thing to be uninformed about is what a clown does. That's such a random thing. It's so...
Well, because if anyone is informed about it, I immediately pull out the bat and I say, how do you know that? We're all about misinformation here. We've been searching the woods for you. How did you confirm that that's what they do?
Oh, okay. But are you actually scared of clowns though, Charlie? Because that was what your example was. So I had a period of time where I definitely was. And then I had a period of time where I said I was because I felt like it was a pretty common one to be scared of. And then I feel like I relapsed into a period of time where I actually am. You said you were scared of clowns to be cool?
Well, so at first I was scared of clowns because I was like, clowns are creepy. Okay. And then I also saw that a bunch of other people were scared of clowns. And I started kind of getting a little less scared of clowns. And I leaned into it. I was like, oh, I'm really scared of clowns. But then I watched Cabin in the Woods last night. And there's like a clown in that at some point. Clowns are fucking creepy, man. I don't really like it. I mean, nothing tops needles for me. Needles? Do you not like getting like...
you're a vaccinated boy, right? I don't like getting fucking porked, man. I, when I went to get the vaccine, every time I've ever gotten a shot, I'll do it. But the person observing me will actively be like, you look so goddamn ill right now. Like there is no color in your face and you are sweating beads and you are shaking. Are you good? And I'm like, you,
And I'm sure that observation really alleviates the symptoms that you're experiencing. Yeah. I'm sure that makes everything better. I grab the service with my shaky fucking arms, jamming into my phone. I will stare. If there is a needle that enters my body, you can bet your ass I'm going to look dead at it the entire time. And I'm going to be like, oh, I'm conquering it for sure. Why? It's because I fucking hate them and I want...
I want to not hate them. And so I stare at it because I think it will make me stronger. And yet I still just hate it every fucking time. You could just not look at it though. I hate needles. No, but I have to look at it, dude. I have to look at it. I have to. Yes, I do. Yes, I do. I've never looked at a shot when I get a fucking vaccine or anything. I just look that way. It's human to be scared, but we have to face it. So I'm going to look at my shots. You don't have to though. I'm going to look at my shots. Yes, I do. I,
I forgot to mention this about clowns, but I recently had gone, I went to not scary farm in California, which is, it's normally called not berry farm. I don't know why it's called. It's, it's an amusement park that there's no good reason why it should be called that. But, um,
They have a not scary farm, which is like the Halloween kind of aspect thing. And there's a clown section of that park that I was walking through. And you know how they have those people in those types of parks that are running around. They're trying to, they're trying to goof on people. They're trying to get, do some goblin shit. Yeah. One guy came up to me and he was walking up to me and he was doing like the spooky thing where he was looking at me. But then I saw, this was like the weirdest moment ever. Cause you never see, you never expect these people like break character, but the dude like squinted his eyes and,
And I was expecting him to say something like, or something. But then he goes, Ted, where do I know you from? And he says, what do you do for work? And I'm like, I make YouTube videos. And then the dude goes, and then he just goes back to scaring people or something. That's fucking awesome. Did he have his in-character voice when he was talking to you? Because I would be terrified if there was a clown that waddled up to me. How do I know you?
I think he was pretty close to his normal voice. I wasn't sure if he was trying to do it halfway. I bet they've got people walking around, the people watching the scares to make sure that they're in character the whole time or something like that. But there is a video that Shay took. Collecting the fear gas like Monsters, Inc.
Shay was taking a video while that was happening, so we have a video of his reaction to the fact that while he's a Scarecon, it's like him throwing his arms up, and then he walks away, and then he just lunges at someone for a second, then keeps walking. LAUGHTER
He's like out of character and now he's back to, he's a killer clown all of a sudden. The conversion, that's beautiful. But the reason why I was thinking of Not Scary Farm was because we went there recently in terms of things we're scared of. I thought that I was completely fine with roller coasters for a while. Like Charlie and I, you and I went on Incredicoaster once. Oh, I used to be terrified of roller coasters. Yeah. I think part of the reason why you and I had that conversation on that roller coaster was because I was a little bit afraid of the roller coaster too though. Right.
That was a way to distract it. But Shay convinced me to go on this roller coaster called the Accelerator at Not Scary Farm, which is quite...
indicative of the speed, it goes to... Basically, it's a minute-long ride. And you sit there, and it accelerates really, really fast, like the Incredicoaster at Disneyland. And it goes up like fucking four stories or some bullshit. And then it goes down, it goes around again, and then you're done. And that's all it does. But the thing is, the ride, it accelerates...
To 82 miles per hour in 2.3 seconds, which is faster than any car on the road. Yeah. Any car. So we're waiting in line. And Shay and her brother, they really, really want to go on this. So I'm sitting in line. I'm like, I don't know. They had to convince me to get in line because I was like, I don't know if I want to deal with that. It's less of I was scared. It was more like my thought process was like, I don't know if I want to deal with that shit. So what does that mean?
What is it specifically that you're like, I don't want to deal with? Like, I don't want to deal with, like, the nervousness of that build-up. I couldn't go that fast on my own. That build-up to the launch. I know once the launch is over, I'm probably not going to die. But, like, you know. Why would you die during the launch?
I don't know, because while we were waiting in line... The hand of God comes in and just unedits the bottom half of the roller coaster. While we were waiting in line, her brother said that, oh yeah, one time somebody got their foot broken by this ride, because when the thing was launching, it uses the system of pulleys, like really, really strong pulleys system or something like that to actually get it to its original speed.
And one time one of those snapped and it flew forward and went like through the front of the ride and hit like a kid. Oh my god. Oh, that's so I already have that information going into it and I'm like getting ready to go on the ride.
And the thing is about the ride too, is that it's completely open air. There's no like sort of, you know, sometimes on rides you go and it hides you for a little bit and you can't really see how the entire ride goes. Like in this one, it's like totally, it's just the framework of the ride where you see the people launch incredibly fast. They go up real high in the air and they come down and you're like, man, that would, that seems like it's going to suck. But I get all the way to the point of being about to get on the ride. And for the first time in like,
God, it has to be like 12 years or something. I like felt genuinely like afraid, like a like a I felt like a little kid again for a second where I was like, oh, fuck, I really don't want to do this. And I was like, I was like, I'll get almost getting to the point. It was such a strange thing because I hadn't felt like that in so long where I was getting the point of almost being like upset, which was so weird.
But then I ended up going on it because I was like, I can't disappoint at this point. I just got to do it. It'd be almost as embarrassing, almost as scary for me to be like, no, and then just walk past all the other people waiting in line. Yeah, that was part of it. That'd be as embarrassing as not eating all the bulk goji. Because I was seeing these little kids get on the ride too, and they were like, I'm so excited. Because they're...
I don't know. I would, I would. Is that Ted Nivison pussying out on the accelerator? That's my YouTuber. And, um, Hey man, I subscribed to you. That's really disappointing. Yeah. So when you're, and when you're sitting on the, on the ride, it has like a stoplight system. So it starts with like two orange lights and then like three lights. And then it's like a green light. And you hear like a person on like the intercom go like,
Something along the lines of like control. You ready? And it's like real. It seems like a much more serious situation than a normal roller coaster because they're launching you. So the whole time that that's once those lights start going, the whole time I'm just sitting there, I'm not listening to anyone. I'm just saying, and there's kids around too. I'm saying, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. And then the ride launches and then we're gone. And then it ended up being fine, but-
I think back to how I just was just yelling, fuck you out loud. Would you do it again? And what was the worst part? Those are my two questions. The worst part was the buildup to getting on the ride and then the moments right before the ride. And then after that, like I don't get sick on rides. I think it was, I just have a very strong imagination of what could be. I think it is. So it's, that was the main issue I think I was running into. Would I do the ride again? I think that,
The fear of going on that ride has probably been reduced by half. So I think every time I would go on the ride, that initial fear would probably be it's going to keep cutting it in half. But I have like an idea for like a video that I won't say that I would want to do that involves roller coasters. So I feel like I need to like go on that. But there's other rides that we went on that are like fucking corkscrews spinning, going upside down. It's called the Silver Bullet. Is that your I Sabotaged Roller Coasters one that you're talking about?
What's up? The I sabotaged roller coasters video? How dare you reveal my plan, Charlie Slimesicle. Sorry, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I just, there are some weak supports and I just, you know, we had talked about which ones we wanted to target. Yeah, it's more like a social experiment. Like, what would you do if your ride broke down in the middle of a roller coaster while you're strapped into this metal machine built exclusively for joy? Um...
So, Schlatt, what are you scared of? Oh, dude, we should definitely show up to a theme park and just say uh-oh over the intercom before some good lunches. That's bad. I've seen videos of people bungee jumping and right when they jump, people are like, oh, no, no, and then they throw a second rope behind them.
So the dude, as he's falling down, he sees another rope and everyone's like, no! I could not. That would give me a panic attack. I would just close my eyes and cross my fucking arms, man. And just sink into the sea like Dracula. Like at some point it's a little too fucked up. That's way too far. That's really messed up. I've seen those before and they bother me. I would not be friends with someone that did that. So is that what you'd be afraid of, Schlatt? No. What are you afraid of, Schlatt? I am afraid... Don't make some stupid shit.
What? What do you mean stupid shit? I'm not saying anything stupid. Sure, you're not going to say like, there's too much bulgogi left. I'm afraid of surcharges. You know? I'm terrified of the day. You know how there's like a day?
Like, you know, you play Minecraft for the last day, you know? Oh. Yeah. And you don't know when you're logging off that that's the last day. Or like, you don't know the last time you say goodbye to a friend over Xbox Live that that's the last time you're ever going to see them. So not like a vampire. No, not like a vampire. That dog, no bones, no bones day dog?
He'll get up for the last time and no one will know that's the last time. But soon it'll just be like, this is Doggiver. Someday it won't be binary anymore. It'll just be no bones. So you're worried that the time you see someone is going to be the last time you see them?
I'm more worried, well, yes, but also I have a huge ego, so I'm going to make it, how can I make it about me? Right. That my name or anything that I've worked on or my effect on the world will be referenced for the last time at some point. And then for eternity onwards...
No one ever utters you or thinks about you or consumes anything you've ever made. And that's it. Then you're done. Then you've disappeared. Wow. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Ted. Yeah, I like that. All your loved ones, all your lineage that you helped to create.
Never even fucking think about you. Can you imagine? So let's figure out how you could go about doing this and make sure that we can make this happen for you, Schlatt. So don't have any kids. Don't have any kids. That's the first way you could... No kids, right? We could snuff that little legacy of yours. I was thinking about saying something against your mutton chops again, but I feel like I'm going too hard against your mutton chops this episode for some reason. Um...
And then another way, I suppose, would be to quit YouTube. Stop the podcast. Kill one of us. Well, no, because then they keep talking about it. People talk about that. You mean any legacy. You don't mean a positive legacy.
Oh, no, any legacy at all. Your name will be mentioned for the last time. You'll be thought about for the last time. You know what actually I just thought of? Now, if Schlatt killed me, or you, would it be Schlatt is a murderer, or would it be Slimesicle found murdered? This is really important because it determines how this goes. I'm just wondering. I think it would be sort of more like a...
an overall group drama kind of thing. Charlie's murdered, Klatt's in jail. I'm the one who's on the TV interviews. We'd be the first podcast. I'm the one on the TV interviews. You'll write a book about it. We'd be the first podcast ever where the members killed each other. My new book, The Last Chuckle.
Hey, at some point in time, the last chuckle will be had. Oh, come on. Listen, there will be the last episode of the chuckle sandwich, and we might not even know when as we're making it. We might not know that this is the last episode. Maybe it's this one. No, don't say that. People are going to be like, wait, what? Someday, the last clown will graduate from clown school. That's also true. That's definitely a fact. Someday...
The Earth will be consumed by a red giant sun. True. Maybe. And every trace of all of the history that ever existed upon this planet, including any legacy that we could ever procure... Nah, bro. Nah, bro. I don't believe that. I don't believe that. Are you trying to go interstellar? No, I'm going to invent something. You're trying to go space flat? Oh, yeah, baby. I'm positive.
I'm putting slime in a can and I'm shooting it out to God. And I'm saying that's me. Hey, listen. All I'm saying is in the time it'll take for that shit to happen, we'll definitely have figured out a way to get Earth moving outside of this fucking sphere. We're going to move Earth? Yeah, we're going to move Earth. Of course we're going to move Earth. There's billions of years in the future we're talking about. Humans are only going to think for like 10,000 years, right? You don't mean move people. You mean move Earth. Yes, I'm telling you. We're going to...
What a thruster. You don't think about like spaceships or some grand interstellar art? No, no. I think there will definitely be spaceships. We'll definitely be on other planets in other galaxies. But what I'm saying is there ain't no way that we're just leaving Earth to die. There's probably going to be some kind of rocket put –
We're going to make it move. That's all I'm saying. I mean, we're definitely going to leave Earth to die. No, no, no. There will absolutely be an effort to maneuver the birthplace of humanity out of the way of the burning up sun. I guarantee it. Oh, you're talking about like... Yeah, in like a billion years, they'll be like, oh my God, that's our monument. We got to move it.
That's where we came- That's where we all came from. That will a hundred- Without a doubt. Even if it's a- Even if it's a dead rock at this point. You know that's fucking crazy, right? No. So you think that some sort of rich, untrepid- Charlie, they thought iPhone was crazy. Okay. So you're talking- No, no, no.
You guys are just literally pushing the fucking Earth. Yeah, let's break this down. Yes. Slat currently equates moving an entire planet away from the wrath of the sun. Yes, absolutely. This will 100% happen. To Steve Jobs thinking of a device that you can play Flappy Bird on. Yes.
Yes. Don't say yes so sincerely like you really mean it. Ted, I genuinely believe that humanity will not let the Earth be enveloped by the sun. I mean, surely that'll be a point that we've got some sort of fucking Dyson sphere around the sun and we're taking all that shit. Yeah.
You're talking like... You have no idea what's down the road. We're going to invent some shit? I'm going to invent some shit. You're talking like... I'll invent some shit that does it. You're talking like Isaac Asimov, like, level science fiction shit. Oh, that's embarrassing for you. Yeah, this is pretty out there. Dude. I also feel like if we're that far down the line, why the fuck would we care about... Isaac Asimov? No, I got no idea. What the fuck?
Why the fuck would we care about Earth, the birthplace of humanity? You're dumb if you think anything... It's not going to be that anymore, though. You're so stupid. It's not going to be that anymore. You're so stupid. That's where we came from. That's literally where we came from. Yes, but it's also...
We're still here. We're going to have fucked the whole thing up. It's just going to be a big chunk and we're not going to want to build a whole cluster. I think we're still going to do it. I mean, surely, surely after we fuck it up, we're going to defuck it. Because the people that are going to be alive aren't going to fucking care, man. They aren't going to care. No, they will. There'll be so many generations down the line. They will. They're going to have iPhone 2 back. They're going to have iPhone 2 then, you know? I'm telling you, we're going to move Earth.
You keep saying you're going to invent something, too. This is absolutely goddamn insane. This is like saying when we... It's not insane. You know what? We got to go. Let's make Pangea again because that's where we came from. It's not insane. We got to push everything together. We got to put it all together. It's not insane. If Earth is still around, like, we're going to move it. Are we going to take Mars with us, too?
Maybe. Probably. Because it will still be doing shit. What about the moon? Are we leaving the moon there? Dude, you're acting like this is so far-fetched. You don't even know what's going to be going on billions of years down the road. And you don't think the birthplace of humanity... You think all humans are going to be like, no, I don't give a fuck about this. Let's let the sun swallow it up. The place where we all started, that we all came from. You don't even think some fucking billionaire...
You don't think some fucking billionaire is gonna be like, "Oh, I want the Earth for myself!" And he's gonna put a fucking rocket on it, bro? You're gonna put a fucking rocket on it! Something's gonna happen! The Earth will not be eaten by the sun. I guarantee you, it'll be gone! Where will it go, Slat? Where will it go?
I'm telling you, listen, people thought the iPod was stupid. People think this idea is stupid. Everyone. People thought. Everyone, come to the USA and everyone jump at once. Let's get this fucking party going. Listen, you're strawmanning me. Let's get this globe moving. You're strawmanning me. You're gish galloping me. You're Hassana beinging me. Okay. And I don't like it. But the iPhone analogy is not a strawman. You have one argument. You have one argument and it's.
It's gonna move. We're gonna figure it out. No, what's wrong with my iPhone argument? I just don't really know how the invention of the iPhone relates to moving a planet. That's all I'm thinking. Alright, I'm done. I'm leaving the podcast. Oh, you're fed up with us. I'm out. You guys don't believe in me. This podcast
This podcast is fucking ridiculous. Don't believe in me and my ideas. I'm going to clan school. I'm going to clan school, and I'm just going to start rolling around. This is coming from the Bulgogi man who ate like a pound of meat just to pay the same amount of money. I'm sorry. I'm signing off for today. I can't do it with this guy anymore. It's too much for me. Oh, Jesus. He's leaving too? All right. What the fuck? Hey, guys. Thanks so much for listening to this episode of the Chuckle Sandwich Podcast. Let us know what you think. They're both gone. They both left their chairs. I'm going to move it?
Have a good one, guys. America, we are endowed by our creator with certain unalienable rights, life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
By honoring your sacred vocation of business, you impact your family, your friends, and your community. At Grand Canyon University, our MBA degree program is 100% online with emphases in business analytics and finance to help you reach your goals. Find your purpose at GCU. Private. Christian. Affordable. Visit gcu.edu.