Our Fans Worst Confessions Yet
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Mustache game still going strong. It's still going strong. I know. It's still going so good. I can still see it on your... Okay, he's standing up doing a fit check. Okay. All right. That's fine. Honestly, I don't hate it today. I don't hate it today. Okay. You've got... What were those? My loafers. Indoors? Recording a podcast? You got the loafers on? What's wrong with that? What? What's wrong with that? I don't know.

I can't wear loafers indoors no I don't there's no reason to be wearing loafers yeah no so the mustache is really good right now mustache is really good I got that male manipulator mustache I got my Rex Orange County listening my fucking Magda Marco mustache right now okay it's got you scared I'm not scared of it you're afraid of what I can do on

above my lip right now. I'm not afraid of that. You're shivering. I'm looking at you right now and I can see hold up, hold up your hand. I bet it's going to be like this. Damn. And that's because he was trained in the gulags. That's because he was trained in Russia for years. He'll never admit that to the chucklers, but he was trained to resist interrogation. Tucker, play what they think about my mustache. All right, here it comes. Ted, all I want to say is

Please, please shoot that mustache. It's not it. It's not it. Please get rid of it now. The polls are in. People love my mustache. We're doing speak fights today. This is bullshit. You're bullshitting. Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich.

You grew out that mustache and you started being really based all of a sudden. Yeah, you're right, dude. Wait a second. I'm socially liberal, but... Fiscally conservative. Fiscally conservative right now? Wait, what the hell's happening? I like this, man. This is a good look on you. I might honestly not even be that socially liberal anymore. Oh, dude. And you know what?

Here I go. My hands are shaking now. You got me excited. Welcome, everyone, to Chuckle Sandwich. It's our last SpeakPipe episode today, folks. Last one. We filled you guys in on the last episode. This is our last SpeakPipe episode. We thank you all for sending in SpeakPipes over the last... I mean, how long have we been doing SpeakPipe? For more than a year now, huh? Yeah. More than a year. Well over a year. Shout out to Emma, who... Our editor and friend of the pod.

brought in

Brought in Speakpipe as a suggestion, and it's been a great thing. But now, you know, we're just sick of hearing you guys. We're sick of hearing it. I mean, they really do suck. Tucker is in a terrible mood. I've been scrolling through these for hours. Yeah, this obviously has made him very unhappy to do, and we don't like seeing Tucker unhappy. So we decided to retire the subject in its entirety.

Yeah. So this is the last hurrah. Get all your fucked up comments thirsting over Ted's mustache and my beard. Get them all in. Confess your sins. That was it, right? It was confess something. And am I the asshole? Or am I the asshole? Yeah. All right, Chucklers. This episode of Chuckle Sandwich is sponsored by our friends at Acorn. Acorns makes it easy to start automatically saving and investing for you, your kids, and your retirement.

You don't need a lot of money or expertise to invest with Acorns. In fact, you can get started with just your spare change. Chugglers, head to acorns.com slash chuckle or download the Acorns app to start saving and investing for your future today. Once again, that's acorns.com slash chuckle. Paid non-client endorsement. Compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns. Investing involves risk. Acorns Advisors LLC and SEC registered investment advisor. View important disclosures at acorns.com slash chuckle.

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Shall we do one, Tucker? Give us your greatest opening one. We've got a great one. This one's coming from Boo. Here we go. Forgive me, fathers, for I have sinned once when I was maybe seven years old. I decided it would be a good idea to collect a bunch of slugs and boil them in milk. And then I strained the milk.

and kept it in a mini fridge in my room. And then my friend came over and I had them drink the milk and I didn't tell them until after that I had boiled slugs in it. - Why did you do that? - That's, oh my God. - Horrible. - Do we know how old this person was? - Nothing.

No. We could email them. There's like not even a hint of regret in their voice either. Like a seven-year-old can't boil slugs and milk, right? They don't know how to work a stove, so you need a little bit of intellect to be able to do that. No, this is 100% premeditated in every shape and form. Like this is like, wouldn't it be funny if I made like some deeply unsettling concoction? Yeah. That is... Wait, that's like...

Where do you get the idea to boil slugs in milk? Where are you getting so many slugs? Where are you getting the milk?

Well, that actually makes sense. Milk is fairly easy to get. Yeah. Slugs would be the handicap there. Where are you getting slugs from? Tucker, when was the last time you saw a slug, Tucker? All the time. When's the last time you touched some grass? They're in the grass everywhere. He's in the concrete jungle, man. He doesn't see any slugs around. All he sees are homeless people and heroin needles. Yeah, I think it's too dry where you live for slugs.

Yeah, there's lizards. There's lizards here. Maybe if I grabbed a bunch of lizards and boiled them in milk, that might be an equivalent. Why? You're getting grossed out by that, Tucker? It's just so weird. I think if you said that to a priest and it sounded like you were at the beginning there, he'd tell you at least like five or six Hail Marys.

Maybe even a couple of our fathers, too, because that's fucked. You're lucky that you're lucky that something bad didn't happen to that person. You hear stories sometimes people people eating slugs. You ever heard that story of the college kid who wanted to, like, impress his friends? He ate a slug. Well, that's what I was thinking, too. Yeah. Yeah. All of a sudden he's fucking paralyzed his whole life. Now his mom is like a anti slug activist. Yeah. Yeah. Slug on a date. OK. Ate a slug on a date.

Yep. He's trying to impress a girl doing that. Yep. And now his mom is an anti-slug activist. She goes around giving talks about slugs. You could have given...

You could have given your friend a elixir of parallel parallel a paralyzing elixir. Yeah, that that that's fucked. That's fucked up Yeah, and this and this is why we're done with the speed pipes because this this we discover through this How horrifying our audience is and how morally corrupt they are in a way though Ted it makes me feel better about me because I don't have a story nearly as horrifying as that that's true and

Yeah, I can't say that I've done. Nearly as horrifying. I feel extremely normal, you know? Yeah. I will say that when I was a kid, I didn't know how frogs worked. And there was a period where there were frogs everywhere. I don't really feel like I see frogs as much as I did when I was younger.

You live in LA. I got plenty of frogs. I see frogs every day, bro. You know, you know, I mean, I think I'm looking for them less too though. When I was a kid, I was looking for frogs. They're definitely not in LA, but like, you know, but we had like a little plastic pool and I was like, I was excited because I was like, wow,

I can collect these frogs and sort of give them a place to live and then they can't get away. I can always hang out with them. But a plastic pool is sort of like just filled to the brim with water. It's sort of like an amphibian doesn't need to be in the water all the time. And so it's sort of like a death sentence to any frogs, right?

They got blood bubbles. Blood bubbles? You heard of this? Blood bubbles in frogs? No, not quite. Blood blisters? It's like the frog had a red bubble coming out of its butt. Ew, man. And it was definitely dying.

And I don't know what I did to it, but all these frogs died. That's sad, dude. That's almost as fucked up. I mean, you didn't make anyone eat it, but I mean, that is fucked. I mean, the story that I can tell about my animal abuse is that I used to run over ants with my big wheel when I was like four or five.

I would single them out because I must have had very good vision at the time or they were just big ants. That's not that bad. I definitely poured water down ant hills.

Yeah, I would definitely run over some ants with my big wheel. One time, it was in the summer. We were on Cape Cod, and I caught... I used a minnow trap and filled it with lobster scraps from dinner, put it out in the water overnight, and pulled it out, and it was full of little fish, like that big. Full of them. So I took one. The pavement was so fucking hot. I was like, I wonder if I put this fish on a hot pavement, will it cook properly?

fish dried up and died Did not cook it though Wow, that's that might be the that might be the worst one Tucker that I know I know it's like 11 and I was trying to keep I was trying to keep the frogs alive like I wanted to hang out with them you were like I want to cook this fish and eat it okay to help my case

I had like 1,200 fish. Like, it was a lot of fish. So I just grabbed one. I just plucked one. Just one. Just one little fish. And God will still favor me.

Yeah, but it's been weighing on me for 15 years now, probably. Yeah, no, you're still thinking about that. Well, because did you get caught? No, no, it wasn't like I was just in the driveway. Like everyone probably could see me there. Probably what the fuck's he doing with that fish? Yeah, it was just a little guy, you know.

Don't they say that abuse to animals is something that is like an indication of serial killer-ness? No shit. Well, what did we all do here? Well, no. No, I'm just saying. It's a little playful experimentation. Clearly, if you keep abusing animals, you're going to be some kind of fucked up person. Right. That's like saying that... Never mind. I'm sorry. Well, it's like an actual psychological indication. It just pissed me off.

I don't know how that pissed you off. You just pissed me off right there, bro. I get that you're pissed off. I'm sort of wondering how you got pissed off, though. Like, what about what I said? It just fucking... The way you said it, matter-of-factly, it just pissed me off, man. Okay. Maybe we go to the next speak fight. Sure, surely we'll go to the next. And see if that cheers you up. Frogs are cool, too. You don't need to trap them in a fucking pool, you asshole. Frogs can just sit...

I walk outside of my patio. There's frogs just sitting there. I sit down next to them. They don't move. I can grab them. I go like that. And then I'll put them on my lap. They don't give a shit. Well, how do you think it was so easy for me to get them all in a pool? Exactly. You don't need to put them in a pool. This next one's called Pop Rock. When I was 15, I put pop rocks in myself.

What does that mean? So I had a small, in my edgy meme page, an edgelords who lived in their mother's basement flocked to me. And I got added to a group chat.

And there was a meme shared that said something like, the government can't stop me from putting Pop Rocks in my coochie, if I remember right. And I got tagged and somebody dared me to do it in exchange for $5. And back in my day, that bought you a pack of cigarettes. So I did it. Hurt like a bitch. I didn't film anything weird. No one was asking if you did. I just filmed my facial reaction and you could hear the sound.

You could hear the sound. And I got my $5. I got my pack of cigarettes. Everybody wins except for my conscience.

I did not expect that one. That was fucking crazy. That one's crazy. Also probably a little dangerous, right? Yeah. Yeah. Isn't that the whole thing with the cooch is that there's a very delicate pH balance going on down there? It's all about the pH. I feel like throwing pop rocks in there seems like it's going to make you sour. Make you sour? You know, it's going to mess up the pH, man. Yeah.

it's gonna make you rock oh yeah no i mean i know hot tubs are weird like that too you need a very delicate balance i wouldn't be throwing pop rocks in my hot tub yeah the thing someone will do for a cigarette jesus and this is a chuckler that's a chuckler that sounded like a chuckler this is such a chuckler that they went and submitted a speak pipe

Yikes, dude. After listening to today's selection, there's less dedicated chucklers than you'd think. There's quite a few that are like, yeah, I just started watching a podcast. It's like, where have you been? I feel like that's the thing with a lot of stuff like this. I don't think we realize how many people filter in and filter out. I'm sure there's people who stop listening after two months of Chuckle Sandwich when they first started listening at the beginning, and they're like, wait, they're still going? Yeah.

Yeah, they're still going. I would never put pop rocks in my pussy. Your pussy? My bussy. Would you put it up your bussy? No, I wouldn't. I would. I would try. You know those things that come in a little pouch and then, you know, they're like little like gunpowder or something and they're twisted up and then you throw those and they go. You would put that in your bussy? No, I'm saying that's probably the male equivalent, you know?

Those are fun. Those are fun. Pop rocks aren't like a gendered thing. No, but I'm saying like... The male equivalent, just put it up your ass. Put pop rocks up your asshole. No, no, no. That's where the... Hey, that's where the... You know what lives in the male pussy? Shit? Yes, but what else? The prostate. It's not in...

yep it's easy to reach from there i mean i'm saying that's the that's certainly the best way to access it but it's i mean just saying saying that it lives in there is just inaccurate again you know i'm so thank you so much for clarifying for me i maybe know a little bit less information about where the prostate lies than you do um but you know you could put it you could put it

You put pop rocks up there. Maybe, maybe we'll get you. Maybe we'll give you a good time. You'll get you going. Yeah. Maybe it would. Maybe it would. Doug, are you putting pop rocks up there? Yeah. Those, those little poppers would never work too. Those little poppers, you know, those little poppers that you throw and they pop. Yeah. Those would never work up there because they need an impact, you know?

Yeah. So like you just stuff those up there and nothing's going to happen. You shove a bunch up there and then you do like a cannonball with the pavement maybe. Oh shit dude. That's horrible. Halloween is just around the corner and the spooky spirit is in the air. You're bound to see ghosts, werewolves and Frankensteins prowling the streets. Look,

There's one right here. That's terrifying. But Chuckles, do you know which creature truly gives me the chills? The hangry monster. You know the feeling, Chuckles. The day slips by and before you know it, you're ravenous. You're looking to jump with your mood in...

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No. It'd have to be the equivalent of a pack of cigarettes now. What's the California minimum? I don't know. They're probably like $26 now, I bet. I've never bought a pack of cigarettes before. Really? It's fun. You've bought a pack of cigarettes before, Tiger? Yes. Whoa. Yeah, that's a little wardrobe for you. I've bought a pack of cigarettes before. Really? I've never... I feel like there must be a certain charm to...

uh going in there and being like you get a pack of reds yeah give me a pack of marlboro reds that's why no you just say reds bro you just say give me a pack of reds please yeah i'm looking for a pack of reds yeah it did feel good it was for a it was for a live stream bit but uh it did feel good to to have having finished that transaction yeah i felt like i had matured in a way

I'll tell you what. Actually, you know what? I bought cigarettes once, but they weren't for me. I was walking down the street along this walk of stars and Hollywood Boulevard. And some dude, you know, people always be like, hey, man, I get something or whatever, you know. Yeah. Homeless people. Yeah. Some dude was like, hey, man, you got a cigarette. And I was just I was by myself. I had nothing going on. I was like.

i was like no but i can i can buy you a pack he was like really okay and then so i i and i was like stare here i went there to the 7-eleven i bought him a pack of cigarettes i had a lighter and i came back and i handed to him and he was very appreciative and i just went on my way wow yeah so that is the one time i bought cigarettes and that was like maybe like a year and a half ago kind i guess i mean i i most people i know would be like oh no i'm not

I'm not going to fund this person's drug addiction. Yeah, but so many people smoke cigarettes. There's probably more indie kids that smoke cigarettes than the people who first started smoking cigarettes. So it's just like, whatever. Tobacco industry is going to get their money. Might as well make his day. Might as well enjoy the cigarette too. Yeah.

Yeah. So I'm basically a hero at the end of the day. Yeah, I mean, I think that's a valid claim. You can make that.

All right. What else we got, Tucker? Here comes Eliza. When I was younger, like toddler age, my dad had warts on his hands and he would scrape the wart bits off as part of his treatment or something. He would just do it over the trash. And one time some girl came over that I really hated because she would pull my hair in class. So I got some of the wart skin shavings out from his bathroom trash. And I secretly put them in one of the Oreos.

- What is this body horror bullshit? - No remorse for my actions. - Oh fuck. - This is three extremely unsettling things right in a row. - I mean, that's probably what we were looking for. - I guess. Yeah, yeah. - That is horrifying. That's like wart hands.

What's the worst one? Okay, the milk slug thing is clearly the worst. No, but this one is also so premeditated too. Yeah, it's worse because this is against someone else too. The pop rock pussy thing is just strange. It's not like evil. You were doing it to yourself, you know? That one's a journey for cigarettes. Yeah. That one's its own journey for cigarettes. Yeah.

And they had to take a selfie video of their face reacting to them having popcorn. No, but this one's like, this person had to like dig in through the trash, like grab out one of the wart things, open up an Oreo, place it in there, get the Oreo back on and then be like, would you like an Oreo? Like they're the fucking wicked witch handing the apple to Snow White, you know? Yeah. That's fucked. Oh, yeah.

yeah no you're like a poisoner what's that what's the word for a poisoner you're like a an assassin like these these people like a winner in our truck yeah no a witch yeah you know you're you're a witch making people eat warts of all things that's pretty witchy there's nothing more witchy than a wart man i'm pissed also how would you i guess the oreo concealed the fact that

Yeah, the warts are maybe he dug out like some of the some of the schmutz in the middle, you know, had like a little little secret. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. The frosting in the middle of the Oreo like a little hole. Yeah. Yeah. Like a little secret compartment. So it's like a gusher. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's I haven't done anything remotely close to God. And these people get fucked up these days.

Give us another one. Let's do a bloke. Hello there, choklas. I am the bane of anyone who is unfortunate enough to have asthma. This is a confession. If you're silly enough to invite me into your humble abode, you may find yourself falling victim to a little prank I like to play.

where I will take any and all aerosol cans I can find across the house and place a small amount of tape over the release mechanism, compressing it just enough so that a small amount of the concoction within slowly escapes the can, but not enough to where it is audibly or visibly noticeable, and then I'll simply leave the can in an inconspicuous location for it to run amok over the course of time.

You see, I may have done this to a few people who have, let's say, moderately severe asthma. And I might have caused them a few, let's say, complications. Anyway, thanks for listening. So that was just a sociopath that came on our podcast. Yeah, that's a crazy person. No, that was weird. That was concerning. That's like Hitler level of sociopath.

That's like... No. No. I take that back. What Hitler did was way worse. Yeah. That's like... That's like... That's like... I don't know. Fucking... Ted Kaczynski? Maybe? That's like Jeffrey Dahmer.

No. No. That's like the Manson family. That's crazy. Here's the thing, too. When that guy was recording it, I could hear his fingers going like this.

going like this and then he was like he was like let's just say I may have put a little bit of a a little bit of a hole in an aerosol thing and let's just say the people I know with asthma were having a very very bad day like this person thinks they're way cooler than they actually are at the end of the day they're just British

Yeah, I'm here to confess one of my crimes that I committed on the island of Britain that's no bigger than the area of New England. Fuck you. America's bigger than you. Fuck British people. Fuck British people. Dude, that's crazy. So wouldn't it... I would have thought if they're putting a little hole in an aerosol can, that's a compressed can. Wouldn't it explode? No, he means like... He doesn't mean putting a hole in the can. He means like depressing the...

like the sprayer a little bit so that it all comes out. It's like ever so slightly just leaking gas for like a month. Yeah. Oh, it's like, okay. It's like this. It's like this, right? It's like you kind of have it right there. So that stuff is still coming out, but it's like very little, you know, just enough to ruin the air quality of the room. Yeah. That's psychotic.

That's psycho killer quesca. What happens if I turn this upside down and spray it on my face? You'll get the chilling frost. I feel like you've done that before. I think he likes it. That felt kind of good. That was kind of refreshing. You'll do it again. Do it again. No, maybe later. You won't. You ever do that with a can of Raid? No, not to myself at least. I never have done that with a can of Raid ever actually. Let that one simmer, Chucklers.

Leave that on the back burner. Give us another one, Tucker. So wait, we've done mostly confessions. Do we have, what was the other option that we had? The other option is am I the asshole? And then there's also just the scattered category. Yeah, all those people who just went, by the way, they're all the asshole. Yeah, well, they're confessing, so I think they kind of know. This isn't am I the asshole? I think the British guy wanted us to be like, dude, you legend.

Dude, you're so cool. Wait, you're kind of like an assassin in some ways. Wait, we got to hire that. We got to give him a recommendation to MI6. This guy. Wow. That's what he wanted us to say. Now we're just he left us speechless with how

psychotic-y sound. Maybe just made it up. Who knows? Here's an Am I the Asshole, which it honestly felt like a confession, but this is Harper Ford. Am I the asshole for gluing my sister's jeans?

Here's context. My sister annoys the crap out of me sometimes, and she always picks fights for absolutely no reason. So every time she's at work and when she comes back home... Wait, that's not normal for siblings. Wait, you're in the right. I take a million pairs of her jeans, not actually, and I take my hot glue gun and I zip the zipper with the glue so she cannot get the zipper down. Um...

Yeah, I don't know if that's rude. I mean, obviously it's mean, but she makes me mad. Okay, thanks. You don't know if that's rude? Okay, yeah, the asshole, first of all. Well, hold on. What? If the sister was really annoying. Yeah.

I just think it's funny how she zips it up and she's like, she's zipping up and gluing the jeans shut so that she can't open them or use her jeans and then follows it up with saying, I don't know if that's rude or like, what other option do you have? It's not nice. Let's be real though. This is not as big a problem for women than it is for men.

Because men wear almost only jeans. Most men wear only jeans. But also, men have big dicks to get through that zipper. So they got to... Do you use the zipper function at the urinal? Women don't have dicks. Traditional jeans, I don't think, have a zipper either. To put through the zipper. Traditional jeans don't have a zipper? Yeah, dude, they're buttoned.

Oh, that's fucked. I don't like that. It's nice. If you undo the top one, you just go. Yeah, I have a couple pairs of jeans that are like that. It's quick release, dude. When you're really running in there. Yeah, I have some jeans that are like that. And they confused me at first because I was like, this doesn't seem very traditional. But I think it truly is. And there's no risk zipping up.

I definitely, you know what? Honestly, you might be right too, because I'm pretty sure the zipper is a fairly recent invention. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Same with zip. Same with the Ziploc and Velcro and Velcro. The Velcro is what I was thinking of because the guy saw how the little, those little, um,

Thing burrs. Yeah birds were sticking to his dog and he put him under a microscope And he looked to see how they attach have little hooks. They have little tiny hooks microscopic hooks And so he made velcro from that Wow where is it one is the first time you heard that that little story? It's probably on the mcas

That's funny. It's probably on the MCAS to be honest. It was one of those reading comprehension. Dude, wasn't it a wait, wasn't it a treat when like your MCAS, you had a reading comprehension to write a paragraph after, but like it was really interesting. So you're like, oh, fuck yeah, this is good. Yeah. At least this one's good. You know,

Yeah. Kind of vibe with it. It's like the MCAS is just like one of those tests. It's like the Massachusetts. Yeah. It's like it's the thing you take in like elementary school. It's like the standardized like see where all the students across the board are. Hello. You there? Yep. Did you hear what I said? Yeah. You were talking about some thing I've never done in my life. But I'm saying you probably had an equivalent in New York. Yeah.

Of like some sort of standardized test you'd take for the whole state. I know you did because Emma's talked about it before. Is it ELA's? ELA's? There is one. Somebody will know. Like a New York state test? Go ask your wife right now. You got to go ask her.

But

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All right, Chucklers, this episode of Chuckle Sandwich is sponsored by our friends at Acorns. After listening to you Chucklers air out all your dirty laundry with your speak pipe submissions, I have a confession of my own that I need to get off my chest. I put off investing for way too long. It seemed so overwhelming. I didn't know where to start and it never really felt urgent. But what I figured out is that I'm not alone. So many people struggle to start investing, but

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an Acorns Later IRA and get up to a 3% match on new contributions. That's extra money for your retirement, Chucklers. So Chucklers, if you're looking to start investing, I recommend checking out Acorns. Chucklers, head to acorns.com slash chuckle or download the Acorns app to start saving and investing for your future today. Once again, that's acorns.com slash chuckle. Paid non-client endorsement. Compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns. Investing involves risk. Acorns Advisors LLC and SEC registered investment advisor. View important disclosures at acorns.com slash chuckle.

Now, we're going to figure this out. We're not letting you get away with this. We're not letting you get away with this. You're not going to wear a New York Yankees hat. I'm rooting for the Dodgers, by the way. Regents exams? You know what, Schlatt? Right now. It was the Regents.

We'll see what Tucker comes back and says. You know, right now it's New York versus L.A. I know. I know. So in middle school and high school, Emma had to take Regents. Regents. I know. I realize this. I really get it out. We did get there. Oh, OK. So for our equivalent of that was the MCAS MCAS. I like Regents better. Regents. Well, MCAS was fun because in fourth grade, someone was like,

Because it was MCAS. They're like, it stands for Massachusetts Child Abuse System. Oh, my God. And there would be this whole period where we'd have to prepare for it and we would study for the MCAS. But really what everyone was most excited about, at least, was this specific type of mints that were also kind of like candies that they would hand out. They handed out mints during the MCAS? Yeah, they went to a certain elementary school.

No, dude, you know those softer mints that you could bring in during the tests? You could bring in a little mint or something during the MCAS if you wanted. Interesting. I don't know what you're talking about. Dude, you could bring in mints. Don't act like you're... You're like eight. What the fuck do you want a mint for? That sucks when you're eight. Don't act coy.

Don't act coy. I love a good mint. I love a good Mento. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. I go to Sunday morning church with my grandma and she'd always have the fucking tube of Mentos. I'd eat the whole fucking tube before we got to the homily, bro. You know those little mints that are like they swirl and they're kind of like this big. They might be peppermints, but they're swirly and they're soft and chalky.

Oh, I know what you're talking about. Yeah, the chalky ones. Those sucked, bro. No, but they were awesome when they were the only thing that you had because they're a little bit sweet. Yeah, a little bit. They're a little bit sweet. Yeah, no. That's a bad mouthful. Wait. That actually might be right.

Oh, you fucking bitch. I'll kill you with a gun. I will kill you with a fucking gun, you son of a bitch. You don't even have a gun, you fucking loser. Yes, dude. Yeah, they would let you have these during the MCAS. Like, you'd come in, you'd be holding like five of them in your hand. I think he's right. I think I do remember this. Seeing that. Yeah, you goddamn son of a bitch. Because I probably haven't had one of those mints since.

that's such an obscure bitch i was so man you're a gaslighter you're a gas no it's not gaslighting if i don't think if i if i was you know i thought it's like if i say it is dude that's when it's gas it's only gaslighting if i truly knew but i i didn't know until i saw him again it unlocked dude i think those are good those are good too you you remembered those those are good yeah why wouldn't they just give us like regular worthers or something like something good

These were good, dude. These were sweet stripes. You put those in your mouth and you let them dissolve in your mouth. They were great. I loved them. Audio listeners love to death. Bob's sweet stripes. Look that up. They're soft peppermint candy. They are sort of sort of ovular in their nature. You get 250 for 30 bucks. 250 for 30 bucks. Every chocler out there should should buy that whole thing. That's a terrible deal.

It's 20 calories of mint. Oh, 20 calories of mint. Man, I was slamming those things, too. I probably ate 500 calories of mints a session. Oh, shit, dude. Yeah, that's wild. That's like when I found out, you know that tub of double bubble that I have out on my patio? Yeah. That's like when I found out that each one of those was like 15 calories. I was reading the box. I had like 10 of them in my mouth, just like...

I mean, to be fair, that's only 150 calories. Wait, really? Bubble gum has calories? Some of these old school bubble gums, yeah, yeah. I mean, I got used to the sugar-free, like the five gum. Yeah, it's the sugar. Oh, hubba bubba. I think that Mentos have got to be the best mint.

There was something great about Hubba Bubba. Everyone wanted to take that chalky little thing out and just bite it sideways. Hubba Bubba had a fun container. That was the selling point. This thing was fun to fuck with. It was like a fidget toy with gum inside. It was. God, being a kid was so cool.

Kids these days don't eat Hubba Bubba. Yeah, no, they're fucking galaxy gas, dude. Galaxy gas and Juul pods. Yeah. Not so much Juul pods anymore. Well, now that they ban the fun flavors, yeah. Are those vapes with like this fucking screen on them? Are those disposable? Yeah, no, they're like, but they got games on them. You see someone on the subway with those. They're playing...

They're playing Pac-Man on those. It's over once you get rid of all the vape juice? You can't refill it? Yeah, I think so. And then it just turns into a thing of e-waste. Well, yeah, basically. And they have little computers in them and shit, too. Dude, that's rough. That's terrible. Well, when they banned the Juul, they... Why the fuck did we ban the reusable ones and not the disposables? These all have batteries in them.

Yeah, this one is rough looking. That's got a fucking board ape project thing. How much are the board apes worth these days? Nothing? Board ape open sea. Jeez. Oh. They're back to kind of their original value.

It looks like in general. That's rough. That sucks for them. Recently sold for 11 Ethereum. Yeah, they're selling for around 11 Ethereum. Yeah, when they were at a high of 128. If you got them when they were at 128, oh my God, that would have been... What's that? What's that worth? 128? 128?

$3,000. Yeah, what's an Ethereum? That's got to be somewhere around $300,000 or something. $30,000. That's got to be like $300,000 or something like that. Well, back then, you got to look at the price back then, too. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's crazy. Yeah, 2020. It's an obscene amount of money. Yeah. Thousands. Yeah, it's all just like fucking speculative nothingness.

I still got my brick. I still got my brick. I wonder how the bricks are doing. Well, they're worth nothing, dude. I bet. Are they? We had it. That's probably the worst thing that I've ever purchased is the brick just for the bit. I bought like a $3,000 just Ethereum brick. No, dude, the brick. How much is it worth? 0.4 Ethereum was the last sale. Oh, really? USD. Ether to USD.

100 bucks? Bricks are like 100 bucks. How much did you pay for it? More than that, certainly. I paid more than that. Yeah, yeah. But hey, it's not zero. Yeah, whoever made the bricks thing, they probably made a lot of money off of that, right? Oh, surely they did. Surely they did. Yeah, because isn't that whole thing with making an NFT product like that is that you get a percentage of the sales? Yeah, every time it trades hands. That's crazy. The person who made Bored Ape is probably like...

Some nasty motherfucker living in in Bali doing yoga, but to happen with the hookers and coke Okay, so what's the next be pipe? Yeah, here's one from an anonymous Chuckler um Hey guys, so I just committed tax fraud again Yeah, so

I just wanted to let you guys know that I felt like, you know, you're asking for confessions. I figured, you know, pretty good time to kind of confess what I've just done. Um, anyway, I will be in jail. Um, you won't hear from me again. Yeah.

Okay, bye. Bye. I like it how it was a static sound. Like it wasn't like the sound of sirens getting closer. It was like she was standing there recording the speak pipe as the police car was like 10 feet away consistently. Like the cops are just sitting there in the car looking at her and they're like, we got to let her finish her call first. Let me see. I just Googled siren noise. I'm going to see if this is the first one that came up.

No, okay, alright. She shifted through the results for that sound. She went and found the best one. The one that was like, this one will trick him. That was a really good intro. Yeah, play the intro for that one again. Yeah, that's fun. That one's got a little bit of a growl to it. It's like a... Ooh, yeah. That's nice. I like that.

Also, you idiot. Cops don't fucking arrest you for tax fraud. I've been doing it for fucking years. Doesn't the FBI do that? No one does. Really? No, it's the IRS. The IRS doesn't have cops. Oh, yeah, they just bought like 40,000 assault rifles. Oh. What? You didn't see this? I think I need to make a couple calls. Oh, since 2006. They bought a ton recently.

Combat gear in 2020. Whoa. Yeah, no, they're stocking up. And they're coming for influencers who keep writing off every flight they take for making a TikTok. Look out, boys. I mean, if it's a business trip, it counts. It's incidental business.

Hey, just do what you want. Listen, listen. Do what you want, man. It'll come. The hammer's going to come. Tucker's got a tax loving father-in-law. He tells him a couple of things and he's like, I want my daddy's shit. He's a tax guy. No, Larry does no anything. I'll fight you, Larry. I'll fight you right now. I'm going to keep writing it off. He's going to be in your ear in Africa.

Yeah, he's going to be like, Dad, you can't keep getting away with this. I mean, I just don't think that they might. I've got guys who are all guys. Multiple. I've got people. I've got people. I just don't think that they would let me do that. Ted actually does have people. He actually does have people.

I do have people. There's quite a lot of them, too. Surprising amount. Yeah, a lot of them. A whole room of them. Just one boardroom full of people. And they're all sitting there and they're like, how do we get Ted to write off more things? You know what's crazy? I never understood. I feel like people spend so much time thinking about how to evade paying taxes when really they should be thinking about how can I make more money? That's fair. Yeah.

Just some food for thought. Get your fucking... Once you start stacking some more paper, you're worried about how much you got. Yeah, Tucker. What? Yeah, Schlatt. Yeah, Tucker. Yeah, Schlatt. I pay my taxes. It's fine. Yeah, Chuckler. Get us with a random one, Tucker. Okay, here's Grace. Hi, Chucklers. Happy early Chuckle Week. Am I the asshole for putting dish soap in my mom's wine so she'll stop drinking? Yeah. That's it. That's the whole story. Well...

Depends how... Depends contextually at what stage of the drinking problem there is, or if there is a drinking problem at all. It could be one of those things where you're just a chronic online Twitter-pilled person and you saw someone drink and you want to piss yourself. My dad just gave me beer. Yeah, wait. I'm 17.

I think I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah, no. So there's two routes you could be. You could be a chronically online Twitter user who's like, my mom drinks after her low-paying job every night. She has one glass of wine with dinner. Does she ever drink? No.

And then you're putting, now you're, you know, that could be her only solace after a hard long day is to enjoy her wine. You don't even know how expensive the wine is. This could be a very nice wine that she saves up for and that she's looking forward to, to enjoy. Ted, if her only solace is the wine, that is a problem. Well, she's got a daughter. Describing a drinking problem right now. Oh, no.

She has a daughter living with her. Her only solace is the wine. She had a wine lady? That is a problem. You should never be defined by the drink. Okay, it'll be this. What if she's a sommelier? What? What if her mom works as a sommelier? Her whole thing is tasting wine. Can you imagine that? What does that have to do with sommelier? I put wine in my sommelier mom's... You don't know what a sommelier is, Tucker? No.

Neither does Schlatt. Yeah, Schlatt knows what a sommelier is. I know what a sommelier is, but I was thinking of making the same joke you just did, Tucker. Yeah, but then if you did Schlatt, then you would seem less fancy. But then I made it, and then Schlatt just sat there like this. It would damage his fancy rating if Schlatt did not know what a sommelier is. I am the most fancy. Yeah, I can't make it. Tucker, look it up. Look up sommelier, and imagine it's in French. Let's see what he wrote. Sommelier? Sommelier?

sommelier did you help me out can i phone a friend s-o-m-m-e sommelier sommelier a wine steward let's wiki this someone who does you know you know when someone like bro if your mom looks like that she's got a problem with wine have you ever seen like one of our friends growing up took her bury their their face in a thing a nose or maybe one of our friends

You're talking about one specific person. Or maybe put wine in a decanter and bring a decanter unnecessarily to a social event. Yes, I know who you're talking about and I agree with you. Whatever you say about him, I agree. That person thought that they could maybe be a sommelier and that if they tried, they would become a sommelier. That's great. That's rich. Yeah.

Yeah. They don't have the context, but Ted's being funny. I mean, the context is Moses. Like, the guy that I did the water taste testing video with. Sometimes he harasses you guys in my chat. That guy. Yeah. Yeah. No, but...

What if this woman was a sommelier and then her daughter's like, my mom's drinking wine a lot. I need to put dish soap in this. She'd probably know pretty quickly. Dude, if my mom, if I was a sommelier, I would not be drinking that shit on my off time. I'd be, I'd be like anything else. Give me anything else. I feel like if you went into the business of wine tasting, you have to love. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't make YouTube videos for the fun of it anymore. Ted.

Yeah, I know. I could tell where this perspective was coming from. I really used to love it, too. Yeah, I know, dude. Maybe you should get into wine tasting. Then you get to drink all the time. I'll be right back. This bottle's out. I got to put it. What do you got? What did you bring in, Shlain? Oh, a whole new bottle. Oh, nice. How many of those do you have? At least two at all times. Jeez, do you just order them so they're delivered? No, you can get alcohol delivered.

Not in New York, I doubt it. New York's still pretty strict. Can't buy beer at a wine and liquor store. Yeah, I Instacarted my groceries the other day and I got a whole bottle of vodka and a bottle of Kahlua. Do they card you? Like the Dasher? Yeah. They scan your life. Interesting. No, I have to get these at the liquor store. See, it's covered in dust. The bottle's covered in dust because no one else ever buys them.

He's like back for more And you're like yes Yes Oh god We were doing that all of Chuckle Week And it is going to be so outdated By the time I said that I thought about that earlier We did that on every episode Ha ha ha

Yes, we did. All right. I think we got time for, what, a couple more? Yeah, let's speed rom. This is the last hurrah, dude. Let's get it all out. Okay, let's go. Here's Hank. You on a hook? Here's your hook. You two don't eat ass because you're not real men. And big confession, I do because I'm a real man.

Okay. Okay. The only reason you guys don't is because you're white collar. You're both white collar. Yeah, I'm bringing that back up.

I'm bringing that back up. The reason, you guys, oh, I could never do that. Oh, I couldn't love a lady. It's because you never been in the blood and the bones. You never worked a job where your hands were dirty. No, no, no. Being in a freezer, that ain't dirty. When you've been working in the dirt, in the grime, in the blood, in the bones, when you've been in the room like Tucker, Tucker knows what I'm talking about. You...

Know that there are way dirtier things and way worse things you can do than loving your lady Like she wants to be loved That's why you don't eat ass because you're white color That's probably one of the greatest people we've ever had that was awesome. Yeah, I mean freedom energy I

Yeah, no, that guy's coming in and he is. Wow. Yeah, no, I just can't agree with this motherfucker, though. I just I will never understand eating ass. I never want to get my I never going to want to get my tongue near an asshole. I'm sorry. I think you might have just convinced me, Ted. Ted's purely a receiver. Just say you don't want to love your lady. I don't want someone's tongue in my ass. Just say you don't want to love your lady. Say you'll never love your lady. I will love a lady. OK, loving a lady is.

She wants to be loved. It's like that Kendrick Lamar song. It ain't real love if you never eat my ass. Right? Is that what he says? Yeah. Look. Yeah. Yeah. It is real. It ain't love. Purple hearts. Yeah. Okay. Look at the lyrics. It ain't love if you never eat my ass. Granted, it wasn't Kendrick singing. How did you know this, Schlatt? What do you mean?

I listened to the song. I don't know. All right. And Kendrick put that in the Kendrick put that in, man. That doesn't seem like his opinion, though. That seems like the singer's opinion. He approved it. He probably wrote it. He probably wrote it and he was too ashamed to sing it himself. So he had some lady do it. Well, I guess he didn't. I mean, if you're in the blood and bones in the dirt, then it might as well get dirty in the bedroom, too. Yeah, that's true. All right. Next one.

Hello, Ted. Hello, Schlatt. I have a confession to make. When I was a little kid, I was really obsessed with World War II, and I was also really obsessed with littlest pet shops. And so I would only invite my friends over so that we could play real-life war-accurate depictions of battles that happened in World War II with my littlest pet shops.

And I did have a Littlest Pet Shop that was designated to be Hitler, and it was the droopy dog because he was fucking ugly. And then I would always make my friends be the Axe Powers, and I was always the Allied Powers. And because I made them be evil, they didn't come back. Yeah. So some would say that's too far. Let's look up this Hitler. Look up Littlest Pet Shop droopy dog. Let's see what Hitler looks like.

Droopy dog. Droopy dog. No, I don't know. I don't know which one. That's got to be Hitler. You think the basset hound is going to be Hitler? I mean, it looks like a droopy dog. Oh, that one does kind of look like Hitler. That one does look like Hitler, actually. That one, audio listeners don't need that.

weirdly accurate looking Hitler dog. Yep. That dog looks like Hitler. Yeah. More so than any other one. That dog looks like Hitler. Yep. Especially if you think that little black spot on the nose is his mustache. Yeah. Hitler mustache. Yeah. He's got that Hitler stance too. He does. Yeah. Hitler famously...

Yeah, that's what he would do. That's what he would do. He'd get up there and he'd go, Deutschland. While he's wagging his tail. Yeah. His tail would start going during the speeches. It would have if he had one. He was a furry. You could really tell when he was excited up there. Oh, man. Give us another one, Tug. Give us another one. Well, let's try Sam. I don't remember this one.

Am I the asshole? I tore the screen off my friend's computer in school and threw it like a frisbee. I'm gonna get on someone else. Later that day, I fell down a cliff. I think it was just karma. You fell twice? No, you stuck down at the bottom of a canyon.

Hey, how was the audio you just listened to? It was good. Rated 1 through 10 down in the comments below. Yeah, that was good. That was good. Maybe 9, 8, 9. Yeah, that was a solid one. I liked that. Yeah, wasn't that fun? That was a little treat. It was good. Yeah, no, that was a little treat. Yeah, wait, is there any other stuff like that, Tucker? Are we missing out on some? No, no, that's so rare. That's a diamond in the rough right there.

Yeah, that was a diamond. Dude, literally 90% of them are two minutes, and then they all are like, hey, Ted. Hey, Shlatt. Hey, Tucker. So it's like, all right, next. Next. We needed the Chucklers for some personality, some flair. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And that's why this series is over. What's Punky? What's Punky got to say? Is that why we didn't do Punky? No, we didn't do.

Hi, Skibbity Sigmas. My confession is that my sister thinks she is an animal. She calls it a therian. She thinks she is a dog. She has a friend who thinks she is a squirrel. They chase each other around. I can't do this, man.

Who is this person? So she's got a, this is Punky. She's got a sister that thinks she's a dog and she's got another friend that thinks that she's a squirrel. So as Tucker pointed out, they're definitely chasing each other around. Where did we go wrong as like a society? Oh, I was talking about this with the wife in the car yesterday. We started offering media of personified animals with our generation.

Arthur, Spongebob, Zootopia. That shit didn't exist. So you see the wrong... Well, we had Sesame Street and shit. Yeah, but that's still a really recent phenomenon in humanity. Yeah. I think that...

I think that Zootopia and stuff like that has done irreparable damage on our society. Yeah. Zootopia. I do irreparable damage to Judy Hopps. From Peter Pan, the fox. Isn't it from Peter Pan?

You know what I'm talking about? Look, I'm sure people felt like this before. They just never were able to express it freely. Well, they used to have animal stuff back in the day, but they were on their hind legs. They were actual animals. Oh, Robin Hood. It's not Peter Pan.

Yeah, Robin Hood. No, apparently this fox for women, he really did it for them. I just found this out yesterday. Funny enough. Did your wife tell you this? She told me this in confidence and now I'm telling everybody that's listening that this fox was... And then Zootopia...

He, you know, it's kind of the, uh, the new age version of him. Yeah. And, and I'll tell you one thing. People love that fucking Fox.

Jesus. See? And that's based on the old one. But that's not even close to what the original Fox is. They turned this into the UPS guy from fucking Legally Blonde. They turned him into a hunk, whereas in the original, he's more like a twink. No, he's just a normal guy. Don't put that evil on him.

You know, but he's like an indie boy, you know? No, but it's kind of, you know, I see it. I see it like how if you go play an old game. He's literally a male manipulator, though. That's Robin Hood. Wait, that is Robin Hood? That's Robin Hood. He's a male manipulator. I'm telling you, dude, he's an indie boy. He listens to Mac DeMarco. I don't know. I don't know the lore. He listens to Arctic Monkeys. Okay. Old Arctic Monkeys, too. Old Arctic Monkeys. Before they were big. Yeah. Actually, you know what?

New Arctic Monkeys. He listens to Arctic Monkeys. He listens to Tame Impala. He's got a Tame Impala poster. He's got a Tame Impala banister thing. Yeah. He really likes the car. One of those fucking cloth things hung up in his dorm. He's a male manipulator. He's got a Tranquility Base Hotel and Casino tattoo. Yeah. Yeah, he's got a fucking pine tree. He's got a pine tree tattoo. Yeah. Yeah. Are you still going? Yeah.

Yeah, dude. Here's Amy. He's got unframed posters. No, well, hold on. If there's one thing I can say to this person before we move on, it's that just let time patience, patience, just be patient. Their time will come and they'll have a very rude awakening as they transition into the real world. Okay, here's Amy.

Hi, boys. So I used to have a moldy bed, used to being the focus here. So I had a really nice wooden bed frame from Ikea. I got it for a really good price. And as I used it for about a year, I noticed that underneath of it with the drawers would get moldy very, very often. And I would do my best to get rid of all the mold and it would go away for a bit, but it would always come back. So after about a year, I had to sell the bed because I was moving out with my boyfriend. And so I just had this bed I needed to get rid of and my ex was moving in.

So I sold him the moldy bed and I knew the bed frame, the bed itself was the mold was going to come back. And I did gently inform him and warn him that the mold would come back or at least that it's prone to mold. But I still feel like the ethical thing to do, but to just throw it out. So am I the asshole? No, I don't know how the where's the mold coming from? That's what happened. Poor ventilation.

Yeah? You need to let mattresses breathe. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I don't buy that. Okay. I'm just wondering, where's all this moisture coming from? Yeah, that's what I want to know. Yeah, like, are you pissing the bed a lot? Is that...

Is that piss mold? No, beds can get moldy. Schlatt's got a moldy bed. Schlatt's got a moldy bed. Schlatt's got a moldy bed. No, no, no, no, no. Moldy bed, Schlatt. No, moldy bed. I'm just saying. No, I don't think this person is the asshole either. My name is Schlatt. I walked to the market. I had a little problem. My bed was moldy. It was everywhere. I needed to help my problem. That's the rhyme.

Dad, I've never had a moldy bed. Talker's never had a moldy bed. Schlatt, you're a moldy bed boy. I've never had one. I'm just relaying information, bro. Bet you wear a diaper too, you piece of shit. What? Piss in the bed left and right. Piss mold. Schlatt really was like, whoa, wait, wait. Beds can get moldy.

a crime if my men were to get baldy once in a while. Wow. Okay, we should move on. I don't think this person's the asshole as long as you disclose it in some way. I'm sure you wouldn't. I'm sure you wouldn't think this person's the asshole. This doesn't even make sense. This doesn't even make sense. I guess we got time for one more, I'd say. Alright, you want some slop real quick? Yeah. Never mind. Next one.

A Genghis Khan reborn? Is that what that says? Wait, we clicked on, we had a Genghis Khan before. Yeah? And Schlatt was like, click on Genghis Khan. And it was just slop. It was throat singing, right? Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. Play it again. Keep playing it. Keep playing it. Oh, I didn't. Oh.

This one's worse. Nah, that one's worse. That one's bad. You want to get shit on? Yeah.

Hey guys, I run a podcast and I'm starting huge drama with my fan base. You see me and my friend have this podcast, right? And we are, uh, have our own Jamie, who's my childhood best friend. And we like to do this thing called speak pipe episodes where we reach out to the community and we get their drama and they all love it. They send us these great speak pipes, but now because apparently there's too many of them and they're too off topic, uh,

uh you know we decided that we're not doing that anymore and now everybody's so mad at us so are we the asshole no dude not at all actually totally this is probably a most of them probably sucked yeah most of them probably suck most of them are probably just like most of them probably start like with hi ted hi tucker hi slant so or actually it has to be more like

Like in the distance. It has to be more in the distance. The speak pipes are hundreds of people.

They said no. Also, scooby-doo toilet. Also, slut drink a lot. Is he alcoholic? Yes. And that's usually how most of the speak pipes go. Let's see if we can get a good one. Yeah, one more. We'll just go with this. Hello, fellas. So, with a past girlfriend of mine, we were in her room, and it was just normal night.

I was just sitting there on my phone. She was as well. Nothing really happened. But I was just wearing it. I got this new sweatshirt. Man, this thing was nice. I was loving it. But then she wants it. And I'm like, no. And she really wanted it, I guess. And she just started flipping out. And I'm just like, she wanted it. And I just would not give it to her.

And keep in mind, this was like a girlfriend of like almost a year. And I just wouldn't give it to her. And eventually things happened. And we broke up that night. That night? And am I the asshole for not giving her the sweatshirt?

Like, I mean, if it's your favorite sweatshirt, I guess not. If that was enough to break the relationship up, I mean, either you guys are young or there was like some serious issues already. There was something else going on there. Either way, dude, fucking if she's breaking up over that, good for you, dude. You just nod to fucking bowling, my guy. That girl's crazy, dude. Let's go, boys. Dude, fuck that. Oh, yeah. She's getting over herself. She probably had the whole argument where she was like,

Well, if you really loved me, then you would give me a sweatshirt. But also, you probably don't eat ass. You probably don't eat ass. That's a non-ass eating behavior. You don't love your woman. And if you don't eat ass, hey, that's okay. That's okay. Don't ever let someone... What are you looking at, Tucker? Why are you looking at the forecast? Oh, sorry. That's just what I click when my brain's off. Sorry, that's like when you close Instagram, you immediately click it and open it again.

Yeah. That was to say, like, my brain was on autopilot. Oh. Sorry. I can see why that was really distracting for you. Yeah, no, I was like, wow, I've seen all these weather patterns on my screen. Look at that wind off New Brunswick. Yeah.

All right, folks. Well, thank you so much for submitting all those speak pipes and all the speak pipes you submitted over the years. Hope you've enjoyed all the speak pipe episodes. We haven't. No, no. There were some good ones in there. Well, thank you guys so much. Next week, next week after this episode, next Tuesday will be our first episode of Chuckle Week.

Thank you all for listening in. Hope you enjoy this chuckle week. I'm sorry. And take it easy, guys. Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs projects done well. I absolutely love this because, you know, if you own a home, it can be really hard to maintain. It's hard to find people that can help you for a big project or a small project.

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