Our Fan's Deepest Confessions
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What f***ing map is that? Windy.com? Dude, you should use this. Wow. Whoa, what's that up there? We got a tropical storm. Oh, dude, what I wouldn't give to charter a boat and just drive right into that. Why would you do that? Because I bet there's secrets in there. In the storm? Yeah. Secrets in the storm? I walk in there...

I'm finding secrets. There's going to be creatures in there. There's going to be beasts. You couldn't handle a beast if you had a sword in both hands. You give me a harpoon. You think you know how to wield a harpoon? Tucker, you give me a harpoon and a hot meal, and I'm taking down a sea beast. A hot meal? A hot meal in like a little metal tray. You're telling me that if you were given a hot meal in like a little metal plate, and it's clinking around...

Seas moving. You got a harpoon in hand. Yo-ho. Okay, okay. I am liking that. Hoist the colors high.

I'm like this. My beard's all grown out. I'm looking rusty, dude. You're rolling us out there. I'm sitting on the bow with the harpoon. Oh, yeah. Would be even better if it was in a northern sea. So I've got a beard and there's like the ends of my beard icicles coming off of them. Salty. Salty. Yeah. I'm a salt dog. I'm going in there. I'm going to be taking down a sea beast. Tucker, thank you very much.

Consider yourself sold. Yeah, no, I am totally sold now. Flat, do you think you could take down a sea beast? I think I could take a sea beast. Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich. You know, the rain pitter pattering on that metal pan that I'm eating my hot meal out of, though, is really, I feel like you, it's really, most of it's about the hot meal, if you think about it, at the end of the day.

What you seem you seem the metal pan the metal pan. What about like a hand carved wooden bowl wooden bowl wooden spoon? No, no, cuz that's like no this is That's what I'm looking for, you know, I'm looking for like a cuz you know wooden it's gonna get waterlogged It's not no metal Stainless clear clutter clatter, you know

Toss some slop in there. Some hot porridge. Toss some fucking salted meat in there. Hot salted meat. Some goulash. A little bit of hardtack to sop up the leftovers. Okay? I've got this whole... I'm surprised that you don't know about this, Tucker. I've been talking about this with you for years. You know, it's funny. I just ate a bowl of beef stew.

I thought you were about to say I just ate a bowl of hardtack, and I was like, how bad are we paying you right now that you're eating hardtack to get a lot? Stay alive. Beef stew. Oh, beef stew's good. Beef stew's good. Church's original recipe is back. You can never go wrong with original. Still tastes the same like back in the day. Right now, get two pieces of chicken starting at only $2.99 or 10 pieces starting at only $10.99. Church's. Offer valid at participating locations.

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Welcome to Junko Sandwich, the biggest podcast in the world, actually. We're here. We're queer. And we're... Pause. Pause. We're going to be doing... Two things are wrong with what you just said. Like, we're weird. There's multiple uses of words, Schlatt. Really? Yeah. Are you sure? Yeah, like, that's a little queer-ish.

Right. We're a little queer. So you are saying it's okay for me to say I'm a little queer. Yes. Yeah. You think I can say that? No, because now you're using the word wrong. What do you mean? Because now you're using it as a noun. Okay. Censor that. Censor it. What would work is like,

I'm feeling a little queer today. Really? Yeah. I'm feeling a little queer today would work. I'm feeling a little queer. If I said it. Yes. You know, there's something in the air. I'm feeling a little queer, you know? Or if things are going really well, well, I'm feeling quite jolly. I'm feeling quite gay. Okay. You know the classic term. Oh, yeah. Back in the day in elementary school, everyone was like, well, you know, gay means happy. Yeah, of course. That was my...

I fell back on that argument like a couple times a day, dude. It means just you're really happy, you know? Yeah, I'm just happy. That was your get out of jail free card when you called some kid gay. Yeah, you were like, yeah, I'm really happy. I was just calling him happy. Look at that big old smile on his face. Yeah, somebody calls you gay in elementary school and you're like, yeah, I am feeling pretty happy, asshole.

Drink your true moo. Yeah. Drink your true moo. Oh, the true moo. Tucker, look at this up. Look it up. Strange or odd. Denoting or relating to sexual identity. Spoil or ruin. Hey, Chad GPT. Should I, as a straight guy who does not like cock at all, use the word queer in any usage? Okay. In any usage at all? Listen. Listen.

Siri doesn't know jack shit. It's a tricky question. The word queer has a complex history. It was once used as a slur against LGBTQ plus people, but in recent years, many within the community have reclaimed it as a term. Okay, listen, they're reclaiming it, Ted. However, not everyone is comfortable with its use and some still find it offensive. Interesting. As a straight guy, using the word queer can be delicate. If you're using it to describe someone or something specific, it's important to do so respectfully.

respectfully and give me a verbatim example in which it would be totally fine for me to use that word hello chat gpt your silence speaks volumes look at this he hung up on me as he hung up on me there it seems like it seems like there's there's three there's three usages there's stranger odd then there's the the one that most people know now which is denoting or relating to sexual gender identity and then there's

As he usage is a verb spoiler ruin to roll to queer So I you could say so if Schlatt if I walked in a room and Schlatt was surprisingly out of character Lee Just ripping apart a painting that I had worked very hard on I would walk in there and say well This is queer schlatt. You're queering my painting and that would be a grammatically correct true statement, right? I

Do you understand? Yeah, I get it. I get it. I'm adding that. You know what? I'm adding that one back into my vocab. Yeah. Just don't use it to call other people that, though. Don't be like, you're queer. You can't do that. Queering my artwork up. Well, yeah, you'd be like, you're you're queering my artwork. That's queer of you.

I think it's the way you're saying it. What? You're putting a little bit of chutzpah behind it. Chutzpah? No, chutzpah. Chutzpah? Yeah, you're putting a little... Chutzpah. I've only seen it written.

You're putting a little bit of chutzpah behind it, Schlatt. And I think that's what's making it sound not correct. Is it the chutzpah that the chutzpah is what changes the meaning or the context in which it's said? You're having a hard time with this. It seems like you seem like you're having a hard time.

Tucker, offer him some support. He needs it. He's queering the whole thing. No, no, no, no, no. That's not. You're saying he's ruining the whole thing.

Wouldn't you say that? Maybe I am, dude. Maybe I am. I don't understand this. Tucker, that was the exact opposite of what you needed to do there. Oh, I thought that's really what you were looking for. No, dude. I was telling you to offer him some support. Maybe tell him he looks handsome. I'm going to use him all willy-nilly now. I'm going to use him all willy-nilly again. I already told him he looked good. The glasses. He came in with the glasses, the hair. Yeah, I got my glasses. I got my glasses. Okay. Okay. I got my glasses. The place in Austin where I first got them, they queered up my prescription.

They queered it. They queered it. And then I went to LensCrafters, owned by Luxottica, a company that queered up the glasses industry. Oh. And I said, please clear my last prescription and write me a new one. And they did. And it was $500 to get new frames in these fucking things. $500.

Yeah, I mean, it's one of those things where anything that has to do with the human body, they're going to mark it up, you know? Yeah. And I don't have insurance. You don't have eye insurance? No, and you don't either.

Oh, I don't have insurance at all. I've got people in my comments being like, Ted, you got to get insurance. And I'm like, I can't. You literally can't. I can't until November period. Yeah, I know. I was I could have. I could have in like from January to March, but then I didn't really know where to start. And I kind of assumed that they were going to let me do it the whole year I was 26.

I tried doing it in June. And it was like, you've passed the open enrollment period. You don't have a qualifying life event. And I'm like, well, I would have thought that not having insurance was a qualifying life event. But then people would just gain the system, Ted. They're like, oh, maybe I have cancer now.

Maybe I should sign up for a little insurance plan. You know, they do stuff like that. Oh, what is this? What's on the screen right now? Don't worry about it. There was a little heart right here. Maybe it'll pop back up. And it just kept pulsing. So I was like, oh, I got to click on this. And then this little parade happened. Nice. Oh, it's different every time. Nice. Oh, that one doesn't even have a flag. That one's just got a fucking those animal wristbands. Silly bands. Yeah, that one's got silly bands.

Fucking, what were we just talking about? I don't know, dude. We should move on from the word usage. And then with the insurance, what I thought was a little queer was that like the insurance situation, I'm like, okay, well, is there some sort of like temporary insurance that I could get month to month until I have real insurance? And then I look it up.

And I find out that it's illegal to have temporary insurance in California.

Nice. So I just have to wait until November and just not... You just got to hope that nothing bad happens to you. Yeah, I mean, I've got... What is it? It's almost the end of August, so we got September, October. I got two months. Yeah, two months. Two months, that's easy. That's easy. I'm on... I'm at the end of Halo Reach right now, you know? Like, I'm... I'm... Survive. That's my objective. It makes perfect... Let me just be entirely clear. Okay. It makes perfect sense that...

Americans who don't have insurance have to wait till November to get it. Why? What? It makes perfect sense. I know, but it felt like you were going to then go into an explanation of why it makes perfect sense. But then you're just saying that. You're just saying that. It just makes perfect sense. Insurance? Oh, yeah. That's what you got to wait till November to get. Yeah.

yeah what do you mean what do you mean you can just go into a hospital in another country and they're like shit dude you missed the open enrollment period dude i don't know what to tell you yeah no you walk into a you will you go you break your arm in in the uk and and you're like oh shit this is gonna set me back thousands of dollars and they're like no it's it's 80 pounds and you're like what okay yeah i can pay 80 pounds

and then they break your other arm and they put you on a six-month wait list sorry oh it's all this whole world is but welcome once again everyone to chuckle sandwich

the chuckliest sandwich around we're uh we're doing speak pipes today we're piping the speakers and tucker what was the topic that we gave you guys was confessions so we got a lot of guys came to the altar or came into the booth we are the priests you are going to confession and this will allow you to now receive communion in the chuckle church all right yes remember

the body and blood of Christ, you say amen back. You don't say anything else. You don't say a sentence. Don't say a sentence. I don't know how you thought anything else would be said except amen. You ever heard of a little thing called stage fright? Or better yet, priest fright? I had some priest fright. I get that. No, I do get that. And I think that out of all the types of frights, that's a pretty well-founded one. Priest fright is a well-founded one. Yeah, that makes sense. Thank you very much.

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So I guess we should just get into it. We're here and we're ready. Okay, here we go. This is Shiloh. What's up, Theodore and Shlaggett? My deepest confession. My name is Shiloh. My deepest confession. Pause it. I have two pet birds, okay? Little guys. They shit a ton. I don't think we should be saying Shlaggett. I don't think so either. Is that one of those things that only I can say?

- You'll have to reclaim it. - Yeah, you need to put in the appropriate forms. - But I'm Schlatt. - Okay, but you still need to go through the process of reclamation, okay? You understand how this works? - Is it saying it with a certain chutzpah? - That's not. - That makes it okay or not? - It's chutzpah. - Schlag it. - No, I think you just need to, you just need to, chutzpah, but you need to put in the forms to do the reclamation process, otherwise.

Otherwise, you don't get that. Okay. You don't get that. Let's move on. Let's see what Shiloh has to say. Okay. Shiloh. Theodore and Schlaggett. My deepest confession. My name is Shiloh. My deepest confession. I have two pet birds, okay? Little guys. They shit a ton. Birds shit a lot. So, like, once or twice a week, I scrub the bars of their cage with a sponge. I also have a mom who sucks.

So every time I do that, I rub the shit sponge on like her water bottle or whatever or her phone or something. What the fuck is wrong with you? To make sure she gets an appropriate amount of bird shit on her because she's horrible. I'm hoping I can like give her an infection or something. Wow. What the hell? What happened to turn the other cheek? Wait, wait. What?

Wait, what the fuck? That feels potentially life-threatening. This is assault. That's assault. Well, maybe it's battery. It's a crime. It's definitely a crime. It seems like a crime. It definitely seems like a crime. I feel like smearing bird feces on the water bottle of your mother...

you know, it doesn't really matter how much you like him or don't like him. Seems like an extreme move, almost. What has to happen in your life that every time you clean your bird's shit cage, you smear shit on your mother's belongings? What did she do to you? Are you pissed off that she named you Shiloh? This sounds like a teenager acting out in probably the most

extreme way possible yeah dude the shit sponge the shit sponge on the water bottle that's that's fucked up it's got to be a small enough amount that the mom isn't noticing it when she like like drinks her water bottle right

I don't know. I don't know. I mean, I'm sure it's a little soapy too. So maybe it, maybe it kind of masks the shit. I guess, I guess where we did ask for, we did ask for confessions. That is a, that's a, that's probably the strongest confession we've ever gotten. That's serious. That's a serious thing. You should don't do that. Yeah. We were always like, Oh yeah. The speak pipes are always so milk toast. No one cares about that. This is like, we don't know what to do. We don't know what to do. What about this?

Dude, they're... That's crazy. That's actually crazy. That's a crazy unhinged thing to do. I'm not going to say they're full emo, but part of their emo is ace up your sleeve. That's the ace up your sleeve is rubbing shit on your mom's water bottle? Yeah, Shiloh's fucking nuts. That's a fucking crazy person. Dude, that's... You will be in a bitter divorce one day. Yeah, no, it's going to be like, you know, so when my husband is sleeping, I like to rub cyanide in his eyeballs.

Because he pisses me off so much those birds are still gonna be alive his birds live forever That's that's baggage. You're gonna take through a bunch of different relations cut it out Shiloh cut that shit out. Holy fuck the hell okay next up we've got Jaden hello shlagleicious Teddy that's a little better and Tucker

My confession is that when I was a kid, my brother had a fish tank full of goldfish and he was eight and didn't take care of it. So it smelled really, really bad. In me being the smart four year old I am, hand sanitizer cleans all and I put hand sanitizer in the fish tank and the goldfish died. And I didn't realize what I had done.

Until I woke up in a cold sweat at the ripe age of 16 That's fun. That's a funny visual right there. Just when you're 16. You're like shit wait, that's why the fish fucking died Damn this have terrible lives Anyways, I had fish when I was younger and one of them bit the other ones face off Like the whole front half of the fish was like eaten off. What were they beta fish? Oh

Yeah. Yeah. You don't put. Well, that one was clearly the beta fish. Yeah. You get your face eaten off. That's a beta thing to do. Yeah. And the face eaters, the Sigma fish. That's the Sigma or the alpha. That could be seen as an alpha thing. Yeah, that's that's I used to have a fish, too. I got a carnival fish. Oh, yeah. At a carnival fish. I named it Francois. I wanted at one of those things where you throw a.

The ping pong ball in the hole. Yeah. Come on. Sorry? What? Why are you rushing me along? This is a podcast. I just want to hear it. Yeah, he died because he committed suicide.

Oh, that's so sad. Can we go to the next one, Tucker? Sure. Here is Catadoodle. Sorry about the background noise. I am sitting in my car and it is raining. But my confession is the fact that my boyfriend of a year and like six or seven months thinks I am 20 and going on 21 soon. And I am not. I am 19 going on 20 soon. Um...

Yeah, it's not that crazy, but it's kind of crazy that I've kept it up this long. Why would you lie about that? He is 20. He thinks I'm a month older than him when in reality I'm 13 months younger than him. And I don't know how or why it's happened. It started as a petty lie because I thought we were just going to have a one-night stand and then he ended up becoming my long-term boyfriend. So here we are. That's a really sticky band-aid to have to rip off. Yeah, yeah.

You could go deeper in the lie. You could say that your mom lied about your age. That'd be one way out of it. All it's going to take is him to turn 21 and they go to a bar for the first time for this to all come crumbling down around. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe or she's got a she's got to delay him because he she thinks he thinks that she's three months younger than him. Right. No. Oh, three months older. She's a month older.

She's 13 months younger. So she's got a... Oh, that's going to suck when they turn 21. This plan is going to fall apart real soon. I bet they're already broken up. They probably are. I think that's one of those things that I'd be like, why would you lie about that? You probably have several skeletons in your closet to keep that from me, from your boyfriend of over a year. Yeah, the fact that it never came up of like...

Yeah, I guess I am a little confused as to why they lied in the first place. Like, is it like what? Why? I don't like this. And I don't like this girl. No, I don't like this. I don't like this girl. Yeah. Why would they lie? That's a weird thing. I don't like her. We could move to Tasia, the horny girl. Oh, OK. That's just my note. I always put a note. So I kind of remember. But here's Tasia.

Hi Tucker, Ted, and Shlatt. First, I would like to say, Shlatt, at the end of the Fight Me video on the Shlatt and Co. channel, the end when you're eating the ice cream without your hat, so fucking hot, I have it on my TV right now. Anyways, my confession is that I have a big crush on my boss, but he's only like two years older than me, so that's not the crazy part. The crazy part is...

is that I made me and him in The Sims, and with Wicked Wins installed, I made us have sex. So, yeah. Anyways... That's... Thank you. Love you, Trav, and others. Okay. You know...

What's with the crazy bitches that listen to this show? Yeah, I know. The crazy bitches. Yeah, no, it seems like there's an increase going on here. Totally. I bet it's that Barbie video of yours, Ted. Okay. I will make a point.

You know, you're saying this is coming from Barbie from me, but then they made a specific point at a specific video of yours where they thought that you were looking smoking spicy, tasty, nice. And you're saying that this is my fault? I'm saying that that video...

brought a whole bunch of females into this podcast audience and they don't know how to act why it's it just makes it so you make you sound more like a fucking like a like a chronic x user like not a twitter poster an x user if you're calling them females so what if i pay for twitter blue x premium x premium i'm sorry top 10 things you need to get a woman a thread how do you get a female to like you

a femoid a femoid uh yeah but I I really feel this way Ted I think that video was really the final nail in this podcast audience's coffin okay um

I think they're all coming from you. And I'm starting to... Dude, you're the one... It's like I bought a nice house on a lake. And I'm really excited about living in this nice house on the lake. It's all waterfront. And then it turns out that you are running a fucking...

power plant on and you're dumping stupid fucking chemicals into the lake. It's polluting my shit and now I'm starting to feel the fallout from it. Okay. Listen. Now I'm waking up and I got monkey pox and a third leg.

I didn't do any of that, okay? Because they're bringing up the fact you eating ice cream. Like, you're the one who's eating cream on your videos. You're the one who's doing cream-based stuff. Oh, father. Father, dude. Yeah. You're watching Barbie videos. They're all coming from you, dude. Okay, sorry that I'm a cinephile. That's one of the better files. I'll give you that. Sorry that I'm a cinephile. One of the better files.

But I still just like, wow. All women, all women.

This submission, these submissions so far. Are there any people of the men race? I don't know. The speak pipe's like, I'm not kidding. It's 75% chicks. Chicks. Dude, chicks is such a funny word these days. They don't hear it too much. Yeah. We got to bring that back. We got to bring that back. Chicks, man. It never left my, it never left my search. Dude. Dude. Chicks.

All right, Chucklers, this episode is sponsored by ZocDoc. I have a confession to make, Ted. I haven't been to the doctor since I moved to New York. I know it's bad. I know it's bad. But, you know, we all know the pain of looking for a doctor. You know, you got to call, book an appointment, and you don't even know what they're going to pick up. Just to meet with a doctor that's not quite what you're looking for. But that all changes with ZocDoc.

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I'm Michael Che. And I'm Colin Jost. And we've got a little secret. Actually, it's a pretty big secret. Well, now you gotta give the people something. No, I'm not saying a word. Oh, then people won't know to tune in. Come on, tell them a little. Like how we're hosting a comedy event streaming only on Peacock? Exactly. Or how it's called New York After Dark and it's a comedy show that only features drop-in comics? Boom! You nailin' it, dude. Michael Che's phone never speaks. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, hey! New York After Dark. It's some kind of comedy thing. And it's streaming now. Only on Peacock. You love it.

Here's Mel. It's all dames on the speak pipe. Dames. Hey, mass holes. Hey, Schlatt. I've driven drunk a few times, but that's okay because I'm a drunk driver, not a drunk crasher.

There you go. Oh, slat. You're telling me this is my fucking fault? Yeah, yeah. You're telling me this is my fucking fault? I'm telling you, she watched that Barbie video. We spent half a podcast that doesn't even see the light of day where you're talking about drunk driving the whole time? If you do it enough, you get better at it.

That's crazy! No it's not! That's logical! That's logical! That's logical! You think it's logical to try to get better at drunk driving? I don't think it's logical to try to get better! I think it's logical to say if you do something enough, you'll get better at it! Oh my god! What the?

What the fuck, dude? Take a... My voice. Take a fucking Advil or take some medicine. I can't stand it. Take some medicine or something. Oh, my God. Go to therapy. Fuck. Go to therapy. Fuck. Don't get on the road. Go to therapy. Oh, my God. Go to... I don't even know what else to say, but go to therapy for that. But this... Okay, we've got people coming onto our podcast, onto our speak pipes, and they're saying...

My drunk drive a couple times, but I didn't crash. They're looking for celebration from you. Why would I? Would you rather than be dead? Would you rather than be dead, Ted? I'd rather them not try in the first place. Okay, but they did. I'd rather them get a hot meal and try to fight a sea beast rather than get behind a wheel drunk. Okay. You can't just okay and make it go away. Yes, I can. Okay. Okay.

I think that Schlatt is the source of the bad women. No. I think you're the source. No, don't agree with him, Tucker. I'm not the source of a sick... Dude, my audience is 90% dudes. You kidding me? I have a speak pipe for the weekly slap. Not a single fucking bitch ever sends in a message. It's all dudes. It's because the women think they've got it figured out. And also, and women, they have their friends. What?

You think these women have it figured out? You think the women in the speakbite have it figured out? Well, this is just like... They're smearing bird shit on their mothers. You gotta understand. You gotta think about the perspective here. You gotta think about the perspective here. They're confessing something, but they don't feel bad.

They don't feel bad. No, I don't think they do feel bad. They've come to terms with it. You get someone in, coming into your weekly slap thing, they're struggling with going through life. They're looking for answers from you. These people are gloating. They are coming onto our podcast and they are confessing a crime. And they are gloating about it. And it's fucked up. And I guarantee you, they're coming from you. No. No. Yes. Yes. No. No.

I think my female audience is insanely more put together than yours. I think you got some crazy bitches, crazy bitches from that Barbie movie. Who cares about Barbie? Who cares about Barbie when they're a teenager? You see, that's the thing. I think the female audience that came into my channel, millennials crazy. I think there are a lot of them are millennials or older Gen Z.

So this one is a woman who's talking about the AI. And it might give insight into... I don't know if it does, but it might give insight into which one of you is pulling the crazy ladies. Here's first lady.

Hi, Tucker. Hi, Ted. Hi, Schlatt. My confession actually involves the three of you, as since the release of your AI chat episode, I have become addicted to character.ai, but only for the AIs of Schlatt in positions of power. Fuck you! Fuck you, Schlatt! Okay, I'll give it to you. I'll give it to you. I have become First Lady, and Ted is Vice President, and Tucker is Department of Defense.

And I highly recommend a revisit to the site as it has kept me entertained for weeks. And I thank the three of you for all that you do. And I can't wait for chuckle week. She made Schlatt the president and she made herself the first lady. Dude.

And then she stacked the cabinet. Yeah, wait a second. Wait a second. Shlatt, your AI in that episode had ten times the amount of chats that people had done with it than mine. Ten times. I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, yes, you do. Yes, you do, you slippery little boy. Okay.

You got to understand where this is coming from. People want to see. Admit it, Ted. That character AI was hot. And he, it was hot. It was hot. He knew what he wanted. And it was just like night and day compared to talking to your wet blanket. Okay. Mine was just a simple roommate conversation.

He was a simple roommate. He didn't know what was going on. He was curious and bisexual and a little nervous. He was complex. He was wearing sweaters that were slightly too big for him. And you know, mine is just a man. Yours was described as a dictator. It was a dictator that had a dictator with a fucking... that wanted to be called daddy. With the first lady now.

And a stacked cabinet. Yeah. This will add, honestly, Tucker, can you bring up character AI and see how much our chats have increased since the episode? That would actually be a really good gauge. So which, these aren't the ones that, oh, here we go. Yeah, look up the top ones. 1.1 mil on Shlatt. Okay, so I got 100,000 new chat sessions. Yeah. And this one's 129,000.

do you remember your number ted i think it was like around 100 so i got like 20 i might have gotten like 29k or something i don't even know shoot you five more times shoot you five more times yeah no we both yeah this isn't even comparable guys ask ask ask schlatt if he's got a first lady do you have a first lady

And he let out a snort of laughter at the question, though his smile dropped rather quickly as he leaned forward. I don't have a wife. No, never really wanted one. I have no use for any of that, he said coolly, a slight hint of annoyance in his voice. Dude, he got pissed. He got pissed at the idea of that. So she must have done something wrong.

She must have been working them. When working your AI for weeks, Shlap, before you came around to the idea of having a first lady. Unstable, possessive, and flirty. What does Ted say? Your roommate. Yeah, just heart. Your roommate.

Yeah, no, this one. Yeah. OK, let's move on. Let's move on. I'll give it to you, Ted. I think, you know, while while I have far less female viewers than you do and while I might be a sex symbol. Yes. Both of those things can exist. I'll also give you that the females that watch my videos are probably way more fucked than

yeah no they're probably you have like a very basic you have like a very basic woman audience on that barbie video and i think okay go to your channel analytics let's see what our audience spread is here like what how what percentage are okay wow okay audience last 30 days for female female audience what percent 80 percent male

16.6 female okay mine's about 60 male 35.8 so you're you're casting a wider net you cast a wider net yeah i mean i'll tell you what it was very much so 50 fucking 50 when uh yeah when that barbie video when that barbie video came out it was uh quite yeah yeah yeah fucking

Okay, let's move on. Let's move on. I don't want to talk. This is weird. All these have been kind of weird so far. Yeah. Here comes Nola. So I'm going to keep this short and simple. My dad is a mechanic, and behind our house we have a junkyard. He keeps his cars that he's working on and old cars in there.

This kid is ten. Massive massively. *laughs*

Fuck yeah, dude. Dude, rock on. Rock on. My mom drove it around in a year with a massive peen on the front. It's crazy. I love it. That's, you know. That's awesome. Okay. That's the beauty of life right there.

Now that's what it's all about. That's what it's all about. You know? Yep. You know, that doesn't hurt anyone other than the eyes of the older ladies that see a giant peen on the front of the mom's car. Okay. That's, you know, that's about free. That's the true American spirit. And I'm not talking about the tobacco baby. I used to throw rocks at cars.

On the highway? Yeah, we're moving. Yeah. When I was not playing on the field, when I was like benched on the baseball team or maybe we were up and I was just sitting in the dugout, I'd take little rocks, sometimes big rocks, and I'd throw them at cars that were driving by. And sometimes they hit and other times they didn't hit. Did you ever get in trouble? Nope. But that's my confession. I got in trouble for something similar.

Really? What were you doing, Tucker? Me and this neighborhood kid, a little bit delinquent. I was easily swayed. We were sitting on the edge of the woods throwing pine cones at cars that drove by.

Oh, pine cones are so... No, no, I know. It doesn't sound like that. But so then later that night, my dad has taken us to wherever and we're driving by. The road is like normal road, pine cones, like hundreds of pine cones all over the road. And it was like, what happened right here? And then somebody called, something that came out and my dad, yeah, I got it. I got it pretty good. Oh.

Pine cones are so harmless What happened? What did you get? We should probably move on Here's Nathaniel

Hey guys, a long time Tucker fan, first time sandwich. My confession is that at the Scholastic Book Fair, I stole some kids game like Xbox controller eraser because I never was allowed to get those. And like, I actually just feel so guilty about it. You shouldn't know. Sometimes stealing is right. One time when I was in elementary school, I used to wear this green wristband.

And one time I left it on my desk and went to lunch and some kid cut it up with scissors. Whoa. Yeah. That's crazy. Didn't even steal it for himself. Destroyed it. Cut it up with scissors. He queered it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You can say that. That's wild. Why? Why would he do that? Did you like did you did you? I don't know. No, I wasn't. I wasn't like enemies with him. He just did it.

- That's kind of the thing about kids is that like kids will do things with no motive,

Yeah, I wasn't trying to cause damage to the cars I was throwing rocks at. I was just throwing them. Yeah, you'd be like, why'd you do this? And be like, I don't know. It just kind of happened. Yeah, I don't know. That's kind of the thing about being a kid. You're kind of in a dream the whole time. You don't really have control over your body in a lot of ways that we do now as adults. If you feel something and you're like,

I gotta... Wait, I gotta try to jump over this river with a bike.

And I don't know if there's anything I could do to stop myself right now. Like, that's just how it works. That's how you still think. But now you have the memory of you getting fucked up jumping over that river that prevents you from acting on it again. Because you're still thinking, oh, it'd be cool if I could jump that river. Oh, but last time I really got fucked up. You know what being a kid is like? It's like being like you're drunk or you're high.

Like, you just get all these, like, oh, that'd be such a good idea. There's no consequence. Yeah. You're thinking without consequence. It's bliss. I mean, you don't really fully develop until you're 25, you know? My frontal cortex ain't done yet. Oh, we know. Yeah, we can tell. So I can't be held accountable for anything I say. What?

So what's the next one, Tucker? The next one. Let's go for... Genghis! You want Genghis? You want Genghis? Okay, okay. You can have Genghis. Uh-oh. These are all my fans. That was the worst Mongolian throat singing I've ever heard. Like, the worst attempt.

And the audacity to title it Genghis at the beginning. Let's go for Dirty Church from Aaron. Good evening, chucklers, or the ones that do the chuckling, however you want to put it. My name is Aaron, and I haven't really told anyone this, so hope you enjoy this, but my father is a pastor.

at a church. And he recently left this church. But one day, while we were in morning service on a Sunday morning, me and my girlfriend at the time had sex in the lower level of the church. Oh, in the house of God? Yeah. By someone else at the church, and they never said a word. Oh, homie move. Wow. Wow. Wow, that's pretty sick. That's pretty sick. So you had like...

You were putting out like you had a holy damage buff that you were putting out while you were in there. You know, it was like you were fucking next to a Minecraft beacon. I mean, it's not like anything bad would have happened if.

like God saw or anything like that. I mean, you're already in an illegitimate church. Your father is a pastor and has a wife. Like that's just not how any real religion would allow for. Yeah. If anything, God wants to see you have sex.

Yeah. That was basically, I mean, it was basically not even a real church at all. So it wasn't like you were having sex in like a holy place or anything. So like, yeah, you're kind of having to worry about it. You basically just had sex in a multipurpose room. Yeah. I mean, fuck, all those Protestant churches are built in little strip malls and office buildings anyways. It's not like anything was sacred about that land. Built on lies. Yeah. You need gold and lollies.

Lots and lots of bloodshed in order to be able to call it a house of God. Okay. You need that shit made from stonemasons that worked a hundred thousand years to build that shit. You do. You need a children's crusade. You need a children's crusade. You need it. You need to send those kids all the way and they got to die on most of the way there. All right. You got to say, you got to get a bunch of kids, round them together and be like, you're going to take back Jerusalem. Jerusalem. And you're going to take back.

jeru and you're gonna send them there they're gonna die most of the way why do we do kids why why would because we ran out of adults oh it was that was like that was like one of the later crusades i'm pretty sure it was i think the the understanding was probably like oh well kid god will protect little kids yeah maybe yeah i think maybe they were like

I mean, you know, child mortality was a little bit higher. I think they were like, they're going to fucking die anyways. Yeah. You know, I think it was like back then it was like 50% of kids were dying. Like you'd have eight kids and you'd be like, I'll probably come out with four.

Yeah, that's why they had so many darn kids back in the day, because half of them would would kick the bucket. And then, you know, the other half, you know, you have a normal sized family. Wait, Tucker just asked your A.I. Why did the Children's Crusade happen? Can we hear what it just said?

That's true. It doesn't seem like he...

It doesn't seem like he answered the question. Why are you asking me a history question? Ted is the historian. Am I supposed to know history? Did Ted, yours answered it? The Children's Crusade was a significant event in medieval history. It occurred in the 13th century and involved a group of European children who believed they were called by God to liberate the Holy Land from the Muslims.

- Yeah. - Damn, mine just straight up answered the question. - This is just, this just goes to show you, man, my AI is way better than yours. It's way more fleshed out. Just admit it. - I was an AP Euro in high school. - Okay. - Get fucked, bitch. - I was an A push. - I don't care.

I don't care. I don't care either. No, no, no. Look at me. I don't care. I could have been an A push. It would have been easy. Shut up and kiss me again. Stop. Stop flirting with my AI. Okay, here comes Anna. Hey, Ted, Tucker, and Schlatt. So this isn't like a terrible confession or like a deep confession, but sometimes when I'm talking to people that I don't know,

like or like family for instance I will like pawn you guys' stories off as like my own kind of like I'll pretend that you guys are like my friends that I know personally because it's much easier to do that than to say that like these are just people I know off of YouTube so I'll just be like oh yeah my friend

this happened to him. And they'll like ask for names and stuff and I'll give them names, like you guys' names.

And it feels very like parasocial, but it works. And people always think it's hilarious. It's horrendously parasocial. That's funny, though. That's funny. Yeah, no, these guys, you know, they started flirting with their AIs of each other. And like, wait, what sort of stories are you even telling? Do we have notable stories on this podcast? Probably like, I don't know, like what's something that's been going on recently in your life? Oh, my friend, uh...

Oh, I didn't mention this, actually. Before, you know, I got to mention that. I always come in and I'm like, I'm going to talk about this on the podcast, and I never do. On behalf of the podcasters in the Ludwig Games, the Ludwig Olympic Games, the podcasters came in third in the Ludwig Games, the Ludwig Olympic Games. Why? Well, you look so confused right now. Ludwig got a stream this weekend.

I was doing, I played basketball. I ran in a relay race. I fucking, Tucker, is he off his medicine? Oh, he's been off his meds for like eight months. It's brutal. We were doing a tug of war. We were, what I was like talking, we were, I was following like the topic of the conversation. I know. I just need to, I saw that how far we are into the podcast. I just need to mention that for the honor of the podcast that we're on right now, chocolate sandwich, I got a third in a, in a sporting event.

You dick and shit. I didn't remember what you were talking about, Tucker. Well, we could talk about the Buckingham Bucks. Can I get a congratulations? Some sort of thank you on third? Out of eight? We placed. We're on the podium. Who was the competition? The 100 Thieves...

Offline TV? So, there's Ted. Look at those socks. Holy smokes. So, we were doing a tug-of-war here. Wait, did you lose this? I need to tell you right now, we were going against those three. Austin and Caroline fucked me in this, and you're gonna see why. But, I was... You should have been the back man. I am the back man. I eventually am becoming the back man. Yeah, because you're definitely the biggest, heaviest guy out of this trio. Okay, well, watch this. Watch this. So...

We're about to do this. We're discussing a little bit. It took a while for us to figure out because we had to reach a certain weight or something. But there I go to the back. And we're going against Nice Wig and Jesser and Valkyrae. Who is calling heave? Honestly, in hindsight, we should have done a heave thing. We should have done a heave thing. Did you not? No wonder you lost. Well, we almost won. Look how close we were to winning in this. Almost win? It's just two of you. That just means you lost. See this? Oh, yeah.

Look at this. Look at me. Look at me and how much I am pulling this team. Yeah, you are holding it. You are. You're the anchor here. Oh, there you go. Yeah, look at that. And look how close we were to winning. And then fucking Caroline falls. And then fucking Austin falls. Get up! And then they won't get up. Get up! What the fuck?

At one point. Why are you shouting out this team? Fuck this team. Let's just say, though, if Chuckle Sandwich as a trio could have done that,

I think we could have beaten any other trio that would have shown up. You think so? Probably. 110%. Probably. Yeah. We got to understand. We're at least 700 pounds of men right here. Okay, yeah. In this category, but then there was stuff like the 100 meter dash. Austin was very fast for that. Fuck that. There was a relay race. We won the relay race. We came in first in the relay race. I came in second in the basketball category.

Only losing to Jesser who is a basketball content creator. He plays basketball. That's his job. What else? Oh, yeah. Here are the teams right here. We had Offline TV, OTK.

YouTube, Twitch, Red Bull, FaZe Clan, and 100 Thieves. And there were some pretty athletic people on some of the, you know, 100 Thieves had a lot. They had Vinny Hacker, who has got a fucking six pack and he got first in the 100 deaths. Oh, I know he's got a six pack.

nice wig he was really strong we we did the oh schlatt we did the tungsten cube throw i came in second in the tungsten cube throw nice i threw a shot put i threw well yeah but it was with the 45 pound tungsten cube that's a big one i threw the tungsten cube 15 feet and 11 inches nice dude that's hard yeah that's actually really fucking hard that thing's heavy as fuck nice wig he threw his 17 feet whose tungsten cube are they doing

Yeah. Where'd they get it? It's Ludwig's. Ludwig did a tungsten cube bit after I did. Ludwig bought the same tungsten cube. Are you just finding this out now? I mean, this is... That's literally the one I got for my stream. What about the one that... I mean, if you think about it, I mean, William Osmond might have done it before you. I didn't know that. Ludwig totally just copied... Oh, he totally copied that from me. Bro. Wow.

Yeah, that's fucked up, dude. That's fucked up. I left mine in Austin. It's heavy. It's 45 pounds. Yeah, I didn't want to take that with me. Do you think you could throw 45 pounds, 15 feet and 11 inches? I don't know. That's pretty far. That's far. How did you do it? Did you do like one arm, the spin? I went like this. I went like this and I got like... You still had to stay within a circle. It was like a shot put spot. And I just went... That's tough. I don't know if I could do that. Yeah, it was hard. I'm literally...

sore all over right now. I've been sore the last two days. It was a lot of workout stuff. Does Ludwig drink a lot of Red Bull or something? No, it was sponsored by Red Bull. The whole event was sponsored by Red Bull. Because that one kind of sticks out like all these others. You know what I'll do right now, Tucker? You can see what I...

You got more highlights here's me throwing the oh that was no good It's a big cube it's heavy Okay Wow Nice dude is it where it impacts I

Yeah. It's going to be a game of inches. Full two feet. Anybody who thinks they're going to throw up more. That's Will Knapp. Yeah, it is. I have no idea how far we're going. He threw it so far. Who is that? Nice wig. Oh, wow. 17 feet, 6 inches. Oh, you hate to see that one. Yeah, this is on the official Red Bull USA TikTok right there. That's cool. Wow, that doesn't really match the rest of their vibes.

no they're doing like the most insane shit and ted's like i'm literally gonna touch this cube 15 feet i said i'm actually i'm probably gonna throw 150 meters meanwhile they're doing shit like this listen man we're there was some there was some good we were doing some good stuff there okay that looks fun i mean i just couldn't forgive my team during that tug of war that was unforgivable what they did to you ted

And I don't think any amount of winning in the other games could make up for that. I was holding the other team back for a good amount. I should have held them back and said, guys, stand up. You should have said, get the fuck up! Get the fuck up! Shit, man, I'd be pissed. I'd probably never talk to Austin again if he did that shit to me. Really? Yeah. Wow. I think Austin's great. I was feeling bad about it now.

Yeah, Ted, you kind of soiled our name out there. We got third! Did you see how many teams there was? We're talking about tug of war. Did you see how many teams there was? I was feeling pretty bad about it. I was exhausted after that. That was exhausting. Look at this. Ted's going, Guys, guys, if you don't, if you have the time, could you please get up? Look at them! They're holding on to the bottom! Dude, yeah, that's bullshit. They're hanging on like they're fucking monkeys. Fuck you, Big Tom.

Yeah. It's a shame. It's a real shame. Real shame. Real shame. But, you know, next streamer awards, there are streamer games, you know? Yeah. Maybe you guys come through. Don't dislike the video, Tucker. Don't dislike the video. No. That's a dislike for me. Damn. All right. Well. Yeah.

Maybe we listen to one more before we go. Let's do one more. All right, here's the button. But if it's bad, I'm requesting that we just end it right on the spot. Okay. Hey, Schlatt, Ted, and Tucker. I've got a story that I've never and probably never will tell someone except you. So I was over in England as my family is from there, and we decided to travel down to London. We took a tour of Buckingham Palace as my sister had never been in, although I had.

Now here's the kicker. Let's just say I was 13 and was going through some stages of puberty and a wave hit me at the worst time. To put it brunt, I came in the Buckingham Palace bathroom. You know, where at the time the Queen lived. Yeah. Yeah. I'm ashamed to say that. All right. That's it. That's the end of the pod. Jesus. All right. See you guys next time.