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He has risen indeed. Christ is risen. He has risen indeed. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to Chuckle Sandwich. My name is Schlatt. It's a beautiful, beautiful Easter Monday as we record this. I'm joined by my fabulous co-hosts, Charlie Slimesicle. How are you? Here I am, sliming in the Sammy. And of course, we've got Ted Nivison as well. What's popping, folks, around the town? Folks, yesterday was Easter.
How did you spend Easter Sunday? Charles? I thought he was asking them. He's like, I'll just let them answer. He's just asking the general. Yes, I can hear them. Let's do a quick moment of Easter silence real quick. That would be good. Moment of silence. Jesus Christ. Reflect on the sounds. He's back. Oh, was that the sound of him?
That was the sound of him rising from the dead. It's the first one sinking into the grave. Second one is him climbing out. The first sound was Jesus getting born. And then the second sound was him being laid into his grave. I did. I did for Easter a little bit of a jelly bean hunt, uh,
uh, with grace. So we split up the house and this is what me and my family have always done. Let's clarify for our listeners out there that this was not, this was decidedly not an Easter egg hunt. This was a jelly bean. We weren't Easter eggs. Here's the thing about Easter eggs. Listen, they're easy to find, you know, whatever you run around, you send your kids out, keep them occupied for 10 minutes. Jelly beans can get in very tight, inconspicuous spaces, uh,
So, like, behind me, like, I put a couple... I put, like, a few behind, like, the teeth of the piranha plant. I stuck one back in the mouth of the alligator back there. I put, like, one in each kazoo, you know? So, like, you just kind of fill the room with jelly beans everywhere. And then I did, like, my room and the kitchen out there. She did the whole, like, living room and stuff. And then...
you watch each other, you send each other out. The way that my family's always done it, because it was always me and my brother competing, was that every jelly bean you miss is the parents get to take one from you.
So it's very stressful when they sit there and the corner arms cross. They look up and then they look down. What happens if you win? Was there a prize that people would get if you won? You get to keep the jelly beans you earned. Were you from a family where you just did not get to eat candy at all? Where it was like this was a rationing out of like...
Jelly beans aren't even good, man. On this holy day, you get your dirt lint-covered jelly beans. We hid in the dust. You've got to reach back. I think that there's a much better way that you could probably do this jelly bean hunt that would probably raise the stakes a little bit. Because jelly beans are candy. When they get old, they get hard. I think you should have done an Easter cheese hunt. Little slices of cheese. That's so much work!
worse man well no you really want to find about doing chocolate because we went to a trader joe's and the trader joe's was out of their their special jelly beans or whatever we thought about doing chocolate and we realized if we miss one it's just gonna it's just gonna goop everywhere it's gonna turn as well it's gonna start white well i actually have a i actually have the the true story of easter gentlemen if if you if you allow me i mean i think i think
Look, America is a country of Protestants. I think the true story of Easter has been swept under the rug, you know, so to speak. Allow me to regale you with the true story of Easter. They put him on a cross, and then he died. Okay. I'm with it so far. And Jesus was in the tomb sitting there, and he was like, oh, man, this sucks. I need to get the hell out.
I need to get the H-E double hockey sticks out of here, right? Because he's not dead. He's Jesus. Jesus never dies. And so Jesus talks to his father, who is God, right? And God is like, yeah, I'll help you get out of here. I'll help you get out of this tomb. And so what God does is he turns Jesus into a little brown bunny. Okay. All right. And Jesus hops away. Hop, hop, hop.
And that is why the mascot of Easter is a little brown bunny. That's the end of the story. That's actually the full story of Easter. Is it the end of the story? Yeah, I read this. I heard a little bit more about the story. What did you hear? I heard that after that little bunny hop, hop, hopped away, I mean, this is a Jesus bunny that we're talking about here. Right. So it's fucking Jesus. It's an immortal bunny, right? But time moves fast.
nations rise, armies fall, and eventually, you know, this bunny finds himself in the testing sites of nuclear warheads. And that bunny, you know, nuclear warheads... Very New Testament. They'll do some damage to your cells. They'll do some mutations going on. And this bunny became big and almost humanoid-like.
Like almost like it looked like a bunny in a suit. Would you say he became Chungus-like? Incredibly Chungus-like, actually. It's funny you say that. He looked almost like a Chungus? Yeah, it kind of got woven into the American folklore that there was this bunny that was going around and showing up in people's windows. I mean, there's this very wonderful video online of these children looking out the window and then all of a sudden this bunny...
It looked like a person in a costume, but I swear to God, this was Jesus Christ that turned into a bunny and then was mutated by a nuclear warhead, and he showed up in that window. So, I mean, that's really the true story of the Easter bunny. That's the true one. Mutated Jesus running amok.
Sometimes killing kids. Not all the time, though. That's crazy. I didn't actually get that. You didn't get that? I didn't actually get... I didn't see that in the literature, in the deep sea scrolls or whatever the fuck. Where did you see the part about him being turned into a bunny in the scrolls? I read it. I translated it myself. I transliterated it. You translated from Sanskrit? Yes. Wow. I read the hieroglyphics. You're incredible. Charlie, what about you? How do you remember Easter?
I feel like Easter is a dated term for this holiday with where we're taking it. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Choose your next words carefully. How about Shunger? How are we feeling about Shunger? Did you say Shunger? Listen, we've revisited the tomes. We've analyzed the texts.
We've read into this story a little more. I think a lot of it, you know, religion is mostly interpretation, but it's fair to say this is fact.
I don't get it. You just said Chunger. What is the lore here? Okay, you tell me what the natural evolution of is. Where does big Chungus go from here? Does he get bigger? Hopefully. Potentially, he just keeps getting an inch wider every day until he becomes just a ring of Chungus around the world. Happy Chunger, everyone. This is exactly why.
The Earth is falling apart. This is exactly why the country of the United States is going to fall soon. Okay. And a new power, probably China, will rise in its wake. It's likely. And take its power. 2050. 2050, paradigm shift.
China's coming. We're going. Because of shit like this. Because of shit like fucking Chunger. Because let me tell you something. China doesn't do Chunger. They don't do Chunger over there? They don't do Chunger. And let me tell you something.
Once we start calling it shit like Chunger, forgetting the true story of Jesus Christ, dying on the cross, being reincarnated. Once that happens, once we forget it, once we turn it into fucking Chunger, big Chungus suck my dick, we're falling apart. The earth is, we will fall into chaos forever.
And we will not have society anymore. We've ended world hunger and started world chunger. And I think that's the best we can ask for. Oh, no. Wow. He got you very sad. The apocalypse is fucking coming. Holy shit, he got you so good right there. No, no, no. Oh, my goodness.
and there's gravy. Oh, Charlie comes up and he adds some gravy to the sandwich. You've been slathered. I'm upset. Is he going to do the baby dance is the question though. No, no, because I'm corded up. I'm corded up. I can't even stand up right now to express how upset I am. Cord up like a baby. Oh. Oh my God. I'm going to beat the shit out of this guy. You've been junked. You've been junked, dog. I'm going to beat the shit out of this guy.
shit out of the sky one day. What are you guys' feelings? I fucking love carrot cake. Carrot cake is so good. I think carrot cake doesn't get enough credit, to be honest. Is it really? I don't know if it's really cake, but whatever the hell it is, like what's going on there? Well, it's definitely cake. I mean, there's something going on there. Texturally, a good carrot cake is a little different than cake, I feel like. It's got a little bit of chunk to it, that's for sure. It's almost pulpy. Yeah, it's got a little bit of...
Don't you fucking dare. Don't you dare. It's a little chunkus. I put that hint out there for him.
I probably should. You'll put that right on the sandwich platter. I don't like carrot cake. I'll tell you what I like. Why not? I like ice cream cake with the little, you know, between the flavors of the ice cream, they put little, like, crunchies. What's a crunchy? Like crushed up Oreos or something. Oh, like chunky little crushed up Oreos? Yeah, little crunchies. Stop it. Stop saying chunks. You're opening the door for him every single time, Ted.
Yes. Knock, knock, knock. It's him. Jesus. In a new form. In a new form. And he's looking good. He's looking good. He's looking big. Rotund. Dare I say chunky. So I've been starting to kind of convert over to, um, not religion. Um,
Ice cream cake. I've been slowly moving over. Because you can get the best of both worlds. There are ice cream cakes that are half cake and half ice cream. And there's nothing to be desired. That is everything. If it has the crunch layer between, because I agree with you, that's what you want. The crunchies. Ooh, the crunch.
I'm kind of, I'm into this idea of this crunch. It's not just an idea. It's real. They're out there. Don't you fucking lie to me, Charlie. I'm not lying to you, man. I'm not lying to you. But listen, if I had the choice between just a cake cake and a, and a, like they were both say they were both really good and an ice cream cake. I'm probably going to maybe try the, like, I'm going to get the cake and add a little ice cream anyway. So why not cut out the middleman, skip a little of the effort, go straight to the
the cake that's already incorporated the ice cream. Okay. Boys, listen up. I've got a question for you, and I'm wondering, you know, we're talking about nukes, we're talking about bunnies, we're talking about Easter. We're talking about the truth. But, I mean, what's going to happen if the nukes do fall again someday? I mean, what happens if Big China, Big Tech, if the Big Tech China... Big China? Yeah.
If Big China and Big Tech join forces and they start launching nukes at Facebook and Google and Apple is starting to create gauze rifles to shoot everyone with. I mean, come on. We'll probably be dead. Mark Zuckerberg is a lizard and Jeff Bezos is my dad. Come on, folks. Listen up.
Pay attention. Do you see what's going on? What can you do? What can you really do? Would you survive the apocalypse, Charlie? I got an underground. I got an underground chunger waiting for me right now. Hop on down there. Slide on in. Son of a bitch. What do you need for such a thing? You get food. You get a little bit of water. Plants. I bring three stacks of wood planks. Three stacks. 64 iron. And my favorite video game.
Cooked chicken. How are you going to play a video game, Schlapp, if there's no power? Generator. Wrong. Generator. Got it already. I spent 30 scrap. I craft it. You have three things to bring. Doesn't run out. Three things to bring down to your underground bunker for the rest of your life. Generator. Unlimited gas. Gas.
Minecraft. Unlimited bacon. Unlimited bacon. Wait, you can't say unlimited. That's like practically cheating. Generator.
Unlimited gas. You can't make a face and then just say it again. And three more things. Water to fuel converter. I make an engine. These things aren't real. You put water in and it makes fuel. But then eventually you'll have more food than water available to you. You can start pouring your water bottles into the fuel maker. That's why we make a water to food converter.
I just take three converters down with me. And a bottle of water. I feel like when it comes to the hypothetical of taking things into a bunker, you want a lot more because it's like, oh, you've got a generator, infinite fuel, and then what? A can of soup? And then you're done with the soup, and then you've got all this infinite fuel to just drink so you die? You want to live...
cyclically, right? You want to cycle in there. Yeah, I'll bring my infinite can of SpaghettiOs with me. That'll be a big one.
See, exactly. And then you bring your O's to fuel converter. It also doubles as a way to end it all if I get really bored because I just turn the SpaghettiOs over and then eventually I flood the bunker with SpaghettiOs. I just hang it in a corner of a room. The room just floods slowly and surely. I just sit in my old leather 50s armchair and smoke a cigarette as the SpaghettiOs slowly start to rise around me.
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That would be pretty funny, but kind of unrealistic. What? It would be a little unrealistic. What? Okay, I'm with you on the generator thing, Schlepp, but I would probably bring a generator and then some sort of setup where it's like one of those hand crank things, but it's hooked up to a bike. So I get my exercise and I ride the bike, but it also powers the generator. You want to burn calories down there? I mean, if I can come out of a bunker shredded, I might as well. You know, a lot of prisoners think the same way. I mean, a bunker is not...
Yeah, I guess that is true. That's probably actually a literal sentence that has been said by someone going into prison. And it's like, I've got all this free time. I might as well go and work out. Yeah. Have you ever played that one game, Schlatt? You know what I'm talking about. That one game. And it was played by Uber Hexernova...
Is it the Escapist? Prison Shanker? No, it's like Hard Times or something like that. It's a really, really shitty-looking game, but it's like a prison simulator that you can play. No, I don't think I have. Just commit crime, asshole. Seriously. You can do stuff like you can just get in a fight in the yard or something like that. I don't know. It was a...
It was interesting. Did I ever tell you guys about... I, um...
I was on a film set at one point, and I had met a guy who had been to prison for eight years, and he told me about the whole lore of what goes on in prison. Hit us with the prison lore. Yeah, he was like... Actually. He was like... I guess it was me and him in our car, and we were driving to drop off some equipment, and he was telling me about... He's trying to be a tattoo artist, and he was telling me all about...
the different like gangs that exist in, in, in the, in like prison and stuff. And like how there was like a certain amount of this gang and certain amount of this gang. And like, sometimes there'll be like, people are getting moved out of prisons all the time. So sometimes there'll be like three from one gang and like 50 from another. And it was just like, as, as a tattoo artist, he would just do tattoos from all of those gangs, including just like some of the bad ones. Oh,
Is that where he found his tattoo passion? I think so. I think that's how he found it. There you go. So he made tattoos in prison? Yeah. How? Like they would, you would get like fucking. You just need a needle and ink, right? They would do something. It's like there was like a whole system where you could buy stuff off of people. Like there was an actual economy within the prison where, you know, I wish, I wish, honestly, I kind of wish that that would be kind of interesting to have someone like that on the podcast just to talk about that like whole world.
A prisoner. We get a prisoner on the podcast. I mean, you know, if they do their time, I don't think that's a huge problem. The jail guest episode. Yeah.
We just show up at the visiting hours and we put three mics on one side and one on the other and we just wait to see who shows up. Yeah, someone just shows up. I think that there's a whole system. Can you imagine we're all just huddled in those little boxes with the phone up to our...
microphone where like tell us everything um no but i think when it the way it some it works sometimes this is like little various pieces that you can like you can build a little tattoo a device maybe i mean pen ink i'm sure would work i'm sure it's not safe it just needs to be ink right i mean they have that thing that that piece of paper you just peel off the plastic put
Put it on your arm and just rub it with a sponge. Yeah. You think they walk up to their fucking buddy and the scoops in? And they pull out a little mystery machine and stuff like that? I...
fresh batch of Spongebob's just came in. That's the ideal prison for childhood to be in where that's the, that's the economy. Temporary tattoo economy. Yeah. I keep my back pockets stuffed with them. Chips of Hoy instead of like weed. Um,
Only if they're the chewy ones. Only if they're the chewy ones. Yeah, but... I think I... Frankly, I think that like a chewy Chips Ahoy would go in a prison economy for like three solid ones. Or like two solid ones. Do you like chewy Chips Ahoys? The chewy ones are better. Chewy ones are better.
Yeah, I kind of like the chewy ones. I kind of like the chewy ones. It's a different vibe, though. I wouldn't eat chewy ones if I wanted non-chewy ones. There's no substitute. Here's my opinion on the chewy ones, and I think you guys are bat shit crazy right now. The chewy ones are just like...
Old, normal Chips Ahoy. They just leave them out. They just put them in a humidifier or something like that. And then they just throw them in a... I think they make them all chewy and then they leave out some and make them hard. Oh, you're a liar. So I think yours are the weird ones. You're a liar. You're a damn liar. They start out chewy. They do. Maybe. That's how a fucking cookie works. They don't start out hard. That's so true. And they just pound it until it's soft, Tad.
The chewy Chips Ahoy is the purest form. They're the freshest. They're the freshest. I feel like if I want milk with my cookies, I'd go with regular. Well, yeah, because you're softening it. You're getting to the softness.
Which means that's point A, that's point B. Middleman is the milk. Cut it out. Point B is the chew. No, there's no way that if you're having the regular. I'm on to something. I'm on to something. If you're having the standardized system of eating cookies, the cookies, the milk. All right. I'm the milkman. I know what's going on here. All right. You want a standardized cookie. Are you hearing this guy? It's authoritarian. You want the cookie that's got the most crunch.
And the most much. Why? All right? What the hell are you on about, man? I'm on about this is the way the world works. No, no, no, no, no. Welcome to the world, Charlie. I'll be your guide. You want the crispy chips or what? Okay, would you rather enjoy a cookie that's too hard or too soft?
If you say too hard, you're fucked. I can't help you. Too soft. Thank you. I mean, too soft, but are you implying that the Chips Ahoy is too hard? I'm implying that the cookie is a soft cookie. The ideal cookie... My mother runs a bakery. I don't know whose side I'm on right now. The ideal cookie has a crispier shell, but is a softer cookie all around, and
An all around hard cookie you bite and it's still hard on the inside. You say, fuck, I wish I picked a different one off the shelf.
Is this relatable? Are you relating to this right now on the Chuckle Sandwich Podcast? Who's putting the burnt, hard, super hard cookies on the shelf? They don't have to be hard. They don't have to be hard. I'm just saying. If you eat a cookie that is too soft, you will get salmonella and you will die, Charlie. Do you want to be lowered into your grave? That's so not true. It's not like I bite into a cookie and the yolk leaks out, you sick fuck. All right? I will...
I hate that you even entered that thought into our minds. I walk in. If you have a bunch of cookies, they're all wrapped. They're all that shit. It's a fucking gamble. You know what I do? I genuinely, I'm not going to put it back, but when I pick up a cookie from a place that sells them wrapped, there's lots, and sometimes on a bad day, I'll get them alongside something else. I give them a little squeeze. See how much give they've got. That determines a lot for me. Texture is a lot in the cookie.
All right. You got the crunch. You've got the munch. I just think you're... You've got the dippability. You're just scared. You're just scared, Ted. I'm not scared of anything. You're scared to be soft. And I'm definitely not afraid of you, Charlie Slime-sicle. So why don't you back up with your soft cookie bullshit, you motherfucker?
Fucker! I hope you tear up the roof of your mouth when you're going through that next box. Oh, my roof will be supple as ever after I dip my cookie in the milk and I consume it. You're gross, man. With glory and happiness. I'm going to get my favorite flavor. You're a shameful, shameful man. How dare you? As the son of a baker, how dare you?
I know what's- why- what are you trying to- what do you have? What do you have? I'm the fucking milkman, baby. You got nothing. You only put a cookie in milk to make it soft. If the cookie's already soft, the milk is a nice bonus. Schlatt, pick a side or we'll kill you ourselves. I don't even know the sides.
What is, what are we, are we still arguing about chewy chips ahoy? The crunch? Where did you go? Where do you fucking fall, you sick fuck? Schlatt, do you want the crunch or the yolk? Tell us now. It's not the yolk. It's a nice gooey center. Charlie, you specified what he wants. What do they fucking advertise in a cookie? They say, look, you get to the nice gooey center. The good part of the cookie. The crispy part is the part on the outside as it should be. If it's hard in the middle, fuck it.
The cruncher of the yolk, Schleck. The cruncher of the yolk. No, no, no, no. You bite and crumbs go everywhere. Your gums tear up. You need water. You need milk. You need something. A chewy cookie is just fine. As a kid, I used to buy the big things of cookie dough and put it all in a big pan and make a giant cookie. And it would never cook fully throughout. I'm crying. You liked that, didn't you? I'm not used to it. I think we were overwhelming him right now.
It never cooked the cookie fully through, but there was always a gooey center and it was warm and nice. We're seeing Schlatt's gooey center right now. And I eat it with a fork. You would. And I liked it. You did, didn't you? I liked it. Did you ever get it wrong? You ever get it too hard? Yeah. And how was that? Bad. Schlatt, you're being manipulated right now. I'm here for you. You're being manipulated. You're being emotionally manipulated by this. I know. I know.
I know. But you and me know what's best. What the hell? Oh my god. Charlie, you are such a crayon mom. You fucking bastard. It was bad. You okay, Schlatt? Give him a second. Give him a second. Okay, Ted? Alright? He's gotta pull together. He's- I know you're always trying to be like your cookies all tough sometimes, but you gotta come down to our level, alright? You gotta be human. Okay? Jeez, man.
See, listen to him. Listen to him. He is absolutely bodying that... What is that? Gatorade? He's going back. Mountain Dew gamer fuel? Yeah. Wow. Hey! Don't aim for the Pope on Easter Monday! Wow. You okay? It's okay. You're here with us now. I'm okay, guys. There's like that scene in Ratatouille. He just flashed back. Well, now here's a question. I mean, what's the best cookie? Chocolate chung. Tate's.
Did you just hear what Charlie said? Nope. He said chocolate chung. There's a brand called Tate's. That's not a flavor. Wait a second. Tate's? That's the crispiest cookie of all. Is it a cookie? That is not a soft cookie whatsoever. And you just said that your favorite cookie was Tate's.
Oh my god! They are the crispiest cookies of all. They've got the crunch, they've got the munch. Charlie, you lose! You lose! No, these are crisps. Hey, is that Connor? Yo, best episode! Bring Connor over here. He's gonna settle this. Connor! Get him over here. Oh, it looks like Schlatt's... Hey, for all you audio listeners, it looks like Schlatt's cat tore into a package of very gooey cookies and left the hard ones completely untouched.
Holy shit. Holy shit. He's here. He's here. The criminal. Ask him about jail. We have a convict on the podcast. For our audio listeners, love you to death. It appears that Schlatt's cat, Jambo, has absolutely bodied a bag of treats that he got literally today. Connor!
He absolutely tore into it. I don't know. And is still going for the bag. I don't know what to do. Get Connor on the mic. I want him to settle the cookie thing. Connor, come back. Thank you. Do you like chewy cookies or crispy cookies? No, let me ask him. Let me ask him. Okay. Tell him to come here. Charlie's going to ask you. Come on. He said chewy. He said chewy. That's bullshit. I had a whole speech prepared. It was going to start with you're six years old in the kitchen. But, okay. We're back on track here.
Yeah, back on track now that you fucking lost, man. Tate's cookie brand, and for all our listeners out there and who has ever tried Tate's,
You know this to be true. I'm looking at taste. This is clearly a cookie-themed crisp. This is a cookie-themed crisp. A cookie-themed crisp. What are you, insane? Are you out of your mind right now? It's a cookie thin. It's not a cookie. This isn't a whole fucking experience. A cookie thin? What the fuck is that even supposed to mean? If it's got fucking sugar. It's like calling a wheat thin a slice of bread, man. It's just not the same goddamn thing. A wheat thin is a crack.
That's like calling- That Tate is more of a cracker than a cookie! That's like calling a- No, Tate is a cookie. Tate is a fucking cookie. You have no idea what you're talking about. It's like the dried ice cream if cookies were the ice cream. You have been corrupted. Like space ice cream. You have been overwhelmed with so much information from your- Oh, he's clawing me! From your baker mom.
That is the fucking source, man. You don't even know what's real anymore. That is the source. You're on the assembly line. I think this is because it's... I mean, you've got all these liberal cookie opinions. I mean, what the hell, man? Go on. A liberal cookie... Okay, listen. Would you rather have a liberal cookie or a conservative cookie debate? Well, it sounds like a soft cookie would be... I mean, let's be honest. A soft cookie is more of a libertarian cookie.
I said it. I said it. Yeah. It's a, it's a, what's something Johnson? What was his name? Johnson and Johnson. No, not the vaccine. What was the candidate's name? The guy, the guy who got stuck at that. Gary Johnson. Gary Johnson. Gary Johnson. Gary Johnson is the libertarian cookie eater.
Have you ever seen that video, by the way, of the Libertarian Convention, National Convention, where they asked if people should have a driver's license? And they went down the line and people were like, fuck no. And the next person was like, you know what I say to that? Screw you and leave me alone. And then it got to Gary Johnson. And everyone's cheering these people on at that point. And then they get to Gary Johnson and he's like...
"Well, you know, I'd like people to display a little bit of competency before they get on the road." And he just gets booed. Fuck you! Yeah, he gets booed to all shit.
Oh. But yeah, no, so Schlatt's a crispy cookie guy. We've determined that. Charlie, what's your favorite cookie? What the fuck are you talking about, dude? He likes Tate's? I don't know what to tell you. I want to segue as much as you do, but I'm putting this fucking thing in reverse because I think that it's been stated that he's a gooey cookie guy that likes a little Tate on the side, and that's fine. I asked him what his favorite cookie was, and he told me Tate's. Schlatt, don't you say a fucking word. So what if I like a little Tate? Don't you say it. The men are talking. Ted. He's like...
You slide, slide. Sit in the corner. Sit in the corner. All right, Charlie. Go to the corner. Go to the corner. What, Charlie? What? He's clearly said when he was a kid what he loved was the gooey. That's what holds that visceral feeling for him on what a cookie is. And he's so what? While he's waiting for his cookie to bake, he reaches his hand into a little box of Tate's, accidentally grabs off a smaller crisp because they're little hard little shits, so it just kind of cracks off. Got to reach back in there. He snacks on it while he waits for the real thing.
That's all a crispy cookie is, a hard, hard side. A prelude to a real cookie. I don't think you realize what happened there. Because when I asked Slap what his favorite cookie was, Charlie Slimeskull, if that even is your real name, maybe it should be Baker and Liar, the person. Um...
He didn't choose a chewy Chips Ahoy. He didn't choose, oh, a chewy Grandma cookie or whatever the fuck those things are. You're talking about brands, man. You're not even talking about cookies. Listen to yourself. Listen to yourself. Corrupted to the core. We're talking about my brand. Look inside yourself. Where is that soft, gooey center? It's up your ass, motherfucker, because you don't know a goddamn thing about a cookie even if you tried.
All right, let me break it down for you Barney style Charlie because apparently that's all you can understand. I'm the goop guy and I know that that part in the middle is the best part. Well then I wish upon you for the rest of your life never to experience that gooey disgusting yolk that you call home you motherfucker. I hope you shred your gums on those crackers you call cookies. Well then I hope you piss blood and shit cum you motherfucker.
I already do. You flip them, I'm cured. Did you just say I already do? No. Well, you know what I hope, gentlemen? What? I hope you'll give me a minute to fulfill a contractual obligation.
Today's episode of Chuckle Sandwich is brought to you by Honey. These days, a majority of my shopping and all the boys' shopping is done online. That's where today's sponsor, Honey, comes into play. Honey is a free browser extension that scours the internet for promo codes and automatically tests them at checkout.
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Hey, Ted, what did Honey save you money on? Recently, I went online to gather a 12-pack of Tate's baked cookies, and I saved a bunch of money with Honey, and I sent them straight to Charlie's house. I used Honey to buy a...
A full, uh, hand-sized flamethrower that I used to promptly incinerate the cookies that arrived at my house. I genuinely use Honey to shop online and buy various stuff whenever I'm shopping for clothing or something like that. It is an actual browser extension that I keep on my Google Chrome all the time. So it's actually worth it. I think it's a good thing to have. And you can get Honey for free by going to joinhoney.com slash chuckle.
Chuckle! That's joinhoney.com slash Charlie. Chuckle. If there's anything that belongs in this sandwich, it's honey. Go over there. Make sure to use that code Chuckle so they know we sent you. Thanks, honey, for sponsoring this episode of the Chuckle Sandwich Podcast. I had a very interesting thing happen to me last week.
What happened to you last week? I went to a great harvest, which I don't know if you guys have those. Maybe it's just a New England thing. A great harvest? Yes. And I don't just mean I went out in the field with a big sight. It sounds like you're living in some sort of Amish town.
It was kind of a midsummer type situation. Everyone just piles all of the newly harvested crops and dance around it holding hands. Last week was the night of the blood moon where we were finally able to have our great harvest. This explains so much about the thing that
that you do every episode but i won't say what it is because i don't even know what it is the harvest is bountiful that's all i'll say but no i went to this this great harvest place and i noticed next to the regular cookies they had like super cookies and i'm like what's a super cookie they didn't even have one on display i asked for one you know what it was this is you're gonna like this
It looks like a cookie, but it's like thicker. It's like built up, almost pyramid-like. It's a little thinner at the base and it gets thicker as you go up. Here's the thing that's really going to stun you because it looks like one cookie. I bit in, first of all, soft. So far, so good. Finish, follow through. Chocolate chung. Look inside.
Inside, I see three separate layers. Of cookie? Of cookie. Cookie lasagna. Which means the mega cookie was actually cookie lasagna the whole time. I don't know how they achieved this. They must have baked the cookies slightly and then somehow created a cookie shell. Seems like a lot when you could have just made a big cookie, right? But they did it all the same.
Why? Okay, listen. This was in the crazy Amish town that you apparently live in. So, I mean, who's to say? I mean, the nebulous intentions of these people is... It's hard to say. It's hard to say. But consider this. That was one super cookie, right? That wasn't multiple cookies. Well, is a lasagna multiple zanyas? Well, if you have two zanyas and then you stack them on top of one another and combine them... Is it los zanyas? No.
Los Zanyos. You get Los Zanyos and you stack them on top, creating one structure. A Zanya scraper. That's one Zanya, I'd argue. I'd argue that's one Zanya. What is the critical thickness of a lasagna? See, I don't think there's any. I don't think there's any. I've seen Epic Mealtime, Harley Morinstein, make...
a huge lasagna before with multiple layers. They couldn't even fit it in their mouth. It was that tall. Did the height surpass the width? No. I think that's something. I think once it passes cube, you no longer have lasagna. No, I don't. See, I don't think that's true because there are burgers, right? There sure are, schlack. There are burgers, right?
There are some burgers. That's a good thought. That's a really good thought. We've got some burgers on the table. Okay. They're not marketing a bun, patty, cheese, lettuce, bun, patty, cheese, lettuce, bun, like a tower of burgers. That's not multiple burgers. That's one big fucking burger. That'd be a burger zonk. Yeah, because we live in America. But the burger can get taller than it is wide. That's the only reason, man. That's the only reason. Okay, but riddle me this. That shit wouldn't fly anywhere else.
Riddle me this. I mean, a burger has the wheat derived bottom and top. It's got the meat. It's got the cheese. It's got the top. It's got the butt. And that's a normal cheeseburger, right? But in reality, I mean, you've got the pasta. You've got the cheese. You've got the meat. Is a cheeseburger a lasagna? No, it's not. No, it's a burger. It's a burger.
There's a very big difference between a bun and a noodle. And for our audio listeners out there, love you to death, consider it yourselves especially. You know how I feel about you guys. Ted, you just invalidated everything you just said about your fucking cookie discussion. Like, I don't even... What are you talking about? This isn't...
Look at the man. I can't even take it seriously. Look at the man. These opinions are coming from him. I can't even take it. You just lost all credibility on the cookie jar. Hand in the steel heart cookie jar, baby. You lost it all, man. Slatt, I'm going to be honest with you. I'm going to be a buck fifty with you right now, okay? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You're the one who said Tate's. I didn't say Tate's. I asked you a question and you answered me. That's no argument being made there.
I was never supporting your argument. I'm just saying that I don't believe it anymore. But your answer, gosh darn, did buckaroo. So why don't you take a sit down in the cookie argument and let's get back to our lasagna because it doesn't seem like you know what you're talking about. Is a burger a sandwich?
Answer. What? Is a burger a sandwich? Simple question, simple answer. I would argue yes, it is a sandwich. Okay, so we could effectively be a chuckle burger, right? Nothing wrong with that. I think that's fine. I think, I think... Stop, not ready yet. We could not be a chuckle lasagna.
You see how the transitive property applies here, right? A sandwich is a burger. A burger is a sandwich. A lasagna is not a sandwich. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not all sandwiches are burgers, Charlie. But what if we did a trip to Italy? Would we not call a video that we make from that the Chuck Lasagna episode? It's not. No, we'd call it like the fucking, I don't know. We're not going to call it the Chuckle Spaghetti. That's for God's sake. Chuckle sliced baguette.
Okay. Chuckle prosciutto. Chuckle, chuckle, croissant. Prosciutto is just a meat. That's just one part. It's ham.
It's just like brioche. Brioche is like a roll, I think. I mean, but since we're on the sandwich category right now, I mean, come on. Let's talk about pizza. Is a pizza an open-faced sandwich? Fuck off, man. What the fuck are you talking about? What the fuck is an open-faced sandwich? That's like saying that a calzone is a closed sandwich. It means nothing. There's no fucking point.
The whole point of a sandwich is that there's bread to hold on both sides. It's like saying a fish stick is a tube sandwich. This is just so far into bullshit. Riddle me this, Slat, then. What happens when you do the classic New York slice technique? Is a hot dog a sandwich? Oh, God. Here we fuck. But what about the New York full? No. No. A hot dog is not a sandwich. You need two extravagant fucking pieces. In its natural state, a hot dog is not a sandwich. You need two different pieces. To sloppily.
and the bun is to segment, it becomes a sandwich. I'm looking up open-faced sandwich. There's no such thing as an open-faced sandwich. Oh my God. Look at this. That is where I have to draw the line. All right. Because of course there is. If you take off one end of the sandwich, what is it, Schlatt? Go. Charlie. Charlie. You lose the quality that makes it a sandwich. Then
Charlie, I need you to calm down while I show the Google result for an open sandwich. There's a lot of trauma for me that I'm digging up right now. Apparently an open sandwich, also known as an open face slash open face sandwich, bread, bread, platter, or tortilla. This is a slice of bread or toast with one or more food items on top. It can't be.
I'm not calling that a sandwich. I'm not calling that a sandwich. That's bread with shit on top.
Nobody's putting shit on their open-faced sandwich. That's not what you're going to call it. That's bread. That's bread. No, no, no. I'm not giving into this notion of an open-faced sandwich. It's not a notion. That's bread. It's a cultural phenomenon. That's bread with shit on top. There's no bread on top of the shit that's on top of the bread. It's not a sandwich. What?
What, man? It's got to have some... It's got to be something. The point of a sandwich is that you have two pieces of bread that let you hold it from either side. Okay, sure. So if you were to turn the sandwich sideways and it still maintained everything on each side, would that still be a sandwich, lad? What? Yes. It's just a rotated sandwich. It's a simple question. It's a rotated sandwich. Yes. So let me posit you this. So wait, Charlie, I'm not done. Charlie, I'm not done. Charlie, I'm not done.
So let's say if that is the case there, then could I posit you this? Hot dog, rotated sandwich. No! Because a hot dog has one piece of bread that wraps around it. So it's like a pizza. It's like if you were to throw the pizza into the sandwich, it's one piece of bread. Riddle me this, lad. Riddle me this. Then what the fuck is a sub? What the fuck is a hero? What the fuck is a sub? You motherfucker. You bastard.
Because the bread isn't separated, it closes around it, so what the fuck is a sub and what the fuck is a hot dog? Simple, Ted. It's a sub. That's all it is. But is a sub a sandwich? The sub is the disclaimer. The sandwich is the thing it wants to be. But is a sub a sandwich? The sub is the prefix. How dare you, Ted? How fucking dare you? How dare you, sir? All a sub has ever wanted in its life is to be a sandwich.
And here you are, cutting it down. I am with the opinion that a sub is a sandwich. A hero is a sandwich. You're straight Hogan right now. You're Hogan. A hoagie is a sandwich. It is. It counts as a sandwich. It's a hot dog sandwich. But if that is the case, then by that form of logic...
of the non-separation of the pieces of bread in which you encase the sandwich, then a hot dog would be a sandwich. It's not called a hot dog sandwich. It's called a hot dog. Well, a sub is called a sub sandwich as in the sub is a prefix to the sandwich. It is a disclaimer that though it is not a sandwich, it is still a sub. There's a little bit of context there that's important to derive. A hot dog is not trying to be a hot dog sandwich. Then why is sub sandwich?
Short for submarine sandwich. You know, I don't know. I'm rolling with flawless logic right now. I swear to God, I got you guys. Hey, Ted, listen, man. Let's quit beating around the bush. Let's just, instead of asking these questions...
Is a bush a sandwich? Is a bush a sandwich? I don't even know anymore. Instead of asking us, why don't you tell us? Just say if a hot dog is a sandwich or not. You scared bastard. Say it. Put it out there. All right, everyone get ready to clip this. Editor, whatever else you cut out, keep this in. We're going to be completely silent until we get out of here. This is an expose. I, Ted Nivison, of complete sound mind and body, hereby do declare that a hot dog is a sandwich.
Oh, fuck, man. Oh, fuck. We might as well just be a chuckle hot dog. Welcome to the big show, baby. We might as well just be a chuckle dog, huh? That's not... Nothing funny about a chuckle dog. I mean, come on. If a sub is a sandwich, come on, just ruminate in that logic there for a second there. Based on what you told me, Schlatt,
I think a, you ever, you know, in math class, the teacher would talk about outliers. Oh, okay. Oh, we're using outliers now. I think maybe it's an outlier. What does a sandwich need?
To be a sandwich. Bread, two pieces of bread. We're gonna take this encasing. We're gonna build, we're gonna evolve here, we're gonna take it one step at a time. Ketchup between two slices of bread, is that a sandwich? That's a ketchup sandwich, yeah. It's a shitty, it's a really shitty sandwich. So anything between two slices of bread is a sandwich, is what we're saying, basically. Or anything between, like, an encasement, I suppose, really.
Dude, shut up. Except, of course, if we're talking about an open-faced sandwich. You're not a part of this discussion anymore. What are you talking about? You just said a hot dog was a sandwich, man. We're turning this into a chuckle open-faced sandwich because we're taking on one of the slabs. You're the top piece of bread and now it's gone. Mm-hmm.
Wow. We're losing our butt. We're losing our butt today. So keep on the line of questioning, Charlie. I hope you're happy dying on this hill. You know, you're only supposed to have like three hot dogs a year. I can't even believe that they deserve to be asked the question. Wait, back up. You're only supposed to have three hot dogs a year? What does that even mean? Yeah, they're like super terrible for you. Really? Yeah, it's like gum. You swallow gum. It stays in your stomach for years.
for your entire life. That's not true. I learned that on Webkinz Trivia. People in Philadelphia are screwed. Hot dogs are not good for you, bro. I think that joke went over both of our heads, Ted. Was that even a joke? Do people in Philadelphia eat a lot of hot dogs? I think cheese dogs or is that the cheese steak? Cheese steak. Silly dogs.
Yeah, yeah, no. I think I just had a failed understanding of what that food was in Philadelphia. How many hot dogs should you eat? I like that. Okay, when I looked up how many hot dogs should you eat, the first result was in a year, the second was in a day. Yeah.
You think there's people that just are shoving them down like, I wonder. You think you can get hot dog poisoning? Okay, Newsweek says a person, the common statistic thrown around in conversation is a person should only consume two hot dogs a year. How does that stack up to reality? Let's see. One hot dog a day can raise your risk of...
Of cancer by 21%? I don't want to spread... Holy shit! Is that true? Holy shit! 21%? For stomach and colorectal cancer. Although...
It was noted there's no foundation on what that means. Seems like the discussion's a little up in the air, but I think it can be generally... There's no foundation on what that means? It can be generally agreed that if you eat a lot of hot dogs, it's probably not great for you. Oh, interesting. I think that's a pretty good... Is an ice cream sandwich a sandwich? Yes. Oh, well, okay. So I would suppose that with a sandwich situation, I mean... Yes, it is.
But there's no, I suppose there's no bread there. There is no bread. That's true. It is a cookie. Look, is it? It could also be that weird, like black stuff. I don't really know what that is, but it's there. Oh, in those very specific ice cream sandwiches. With like the holes in it. I don't know what that is. That is like. It's actually really worrying that I can't put a name on that. What is that? What is that black thing? Wait, wait, wait. Guys, guys, guys. What is that? What is that?
That's just the top and bottom of the sandwich. But we know that the middle is vanilla ice cream, but what is that? What is it made of? I can't.
I can't. Is it? You can't, right? You can't. Is it a cookie? It's not really a cookie. It's not a cookie. It's not. It's like too bready to be. Is it a cake? It's not a cake. I would argue it's a very thin cake. Yeah, some cake. Maybe. Yeah. Okay. I think you're heading in the right direction here. Okay. Yeah. But I'm not comfortable yet. You're not comfortable? You're still upset? I'm not comfortable calling it a cake. What would you be comfortable calling it? I don't know. The sandwich part? Maybe.
Maybe a sandwich part. A crust? It's not. A crust is fair. But it's not. But it's like soft. It's not crusty at all. There's nothing about it. Charlie, I don't think that any word you get, any descriptor will satisfy you. I'm never going to be happy.
I think you're going to, you're going to go, Charlie's going to get going to bed tonight. He's just going to be like staring at the wall while like some like really, I'm going to have, I'm going to wake up. I'm going to wake up in my, in my nightmares and sort of blood on my hands. It's going to be like that doughy residue after you're done eating. Oh yeah. After you're done eating an ice cream sandwich, you know how it gets like the stuff, the thing on your hand, whatever it is, it's on you. Yeah. It comes off really easily that,
You have to lick your fingers off of it. For those of you who don't know what we're talking about, if we've got any, I don't know, international fucking listeners or something like that, it's a, there's a very, there's an ice cream sandwich. I think it's, what's the brand? I don't, is it one specific? It's not Klondike. No, Klondike isn't. It's not Klondike. It's not. It's, it's, well, Klondike makes them actually. I,
I think it's actually the rather accepted version of an ice cream sandwich. Yeah, it's like the default. I would argue it might be softened by the ice cream. So you might start as a hard outer shell that is softened by the ice cream. So maybe it wasn't always like that. Oh, God.
Which is even more terrifying to think of. We have to go to the source and figure out... It means that if the ice cream sandwiches didn't come out like this, we have to find what they came out like. Get it into the chuckle lab. Can you imagine holding one of those when it wasn't soft and it was like a crisp hard cracker or something? That's not right. Honestly, I wouldn't really... If it had the same flavor of that piece of whatever the fuck bread or whatever it is, I...
If it had a little bit of crunch to it, that was a dichotomy. Yeah, you're a crispy bitch, though. That's the thing. Don't call me a crispy bitch, you soft, weak amoeba. I'm a gooey boy. No, but if it had a crunch to it, I would like it. I mean, would you not like a crunch situation there, Charlie? Because the ice cream's already soft. I'm sorry. I feel like I've used too much, and now my eyes are going out of focus just thinking about this.
fucking layer. You've used too much brain energy to think about it. I'm like trying like every synopsis firing at once. Charlie, I'm sorry for calling you a weak amoeba. I appreciate that. I thought I would just throw that out there. I mean, to be fair, it's on brand. It's on brand, man. I was in the passion of the crunch, alright? I get it. I get it. Sometimes I'm in the passion of the goop, man, but I
No, don't be in the passion of the goop. I'm in the passion of the goop. I think that an ice cream sandwich is a sandwich. It says it in the name. It's a thing between two. So if an ice cream sandwich is a sandwich, why the hell wouldn't a sub be a sandwich? An ice cream, it's two completely different variables, man. All right? All right?
It's an ice cream sandwich. It's a thing between two separate bread-like entities. Okay. And a sub has that wraparound. The wraparound is the variable. That's the thing that we can't understand. Okay, riddle me this. What if I were to take a piece of bread, put some ketchup on it,
Put some mozzarella cheese and then put bread on top of it. What is it now? It's a sandwich. We already talked about this. It's a sandwich. It's just a shitty sandwich. We already decided this. I removed that top bread. What's it now? It's an open-faced sandwich. Schlatt's going to say it's something else. No, it's bread with shit on it. We're just getting back into this. It's bread with shit on it? Is that what you mean? Now it's a piece of bread with shit on it. Okay. I'm staying strong. Look, I will say, I think you cannot categorically not call a sub a sub.
A sandwich. I don't think, I think it's, I think it's its own thing. I think it's its own thing. But it's short for submarine sandwich. Yeah, but there's other things that, not that I can think of one off the top of my head, but there's other things that don't work like that. Wait, wait. Is the hot, the hot dog's a hot dog without a bun? The question doesn't matter because the bun isn't the hot dog. The hot dog is the hot dog.
No. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Because it's all about the meat. Because a hot dog is just the meat. I was thinking to myself, I was thinking in this conversation, I was thinking, what makes a sub so different than a hot dog? They both have to wrap around. The hot dog makes it different because the hot dog is the hot dog. The hot dog is not the hot dog in the bun. What if you put up slices of a hot dog in a submarine?
Submarine sandwich. In a submarine? Instead of like pieces, slices of like pepperoni or something like that, there was slices of hot dog. Does that make it a hot dog? No, it makes it with hot dog topping. A hot dog is no longer intact. So in order for a hot dog to be called a hot dog, it has to be intact? Well, I mean, if you have half a hot dog, it's half a hot dog. It's not a whole hot dog.
But what if the whole hot dog was split into pieces and spread across the oceans all across the world? Would that hot dog still be a hot dog? Okay, wait. If we got a really big... Are you familiar with the ship of Thesis? Just kidding. So you're trying to tell me if you took one end of the hot dog to one end of the world and the other end to the other end of the world, the world would be a hot dog? Potentially. Potentially.
No, the world would be a sandwich in between two pieces of hot dog that encase it. I mean, it is. The world's a sandwich and big chunguses out there. I mean, it is reasonable to think that at some point in like we're in, you know, I'm in California now. I don't know where exactly the other side of the world is somewhere in Asia.
If there's somewhere that there is a sandwich or a piece of bread just on the ground, and in Asia, there's got to be somewhere where there's another potentially very similar piece of bread on the ground there. Is it a sandwich? Yeah. I would argue yes. Okay, but what's the- But don't go fucking dropping a piece of bread.
On the goddamn ground, Ted, and call it a fucking open-faced Earth sandwich. That is some bullshit. You are yelling at me at something that I have not even considered doing. That is some bullshit. Yeah, you led him right into this one. Now he's thinking about it, Niamh.
fucked up i like it how the i like it how schlatt is just so angry during the sandwich conversation but he just has not the emotional strength to talk about cookies and their softness versus dude we're past cookies man we solved it you lost we're on sandwiches now you i lost really lost you lost you are out of your mind dude i reached your crunchy shell and i pulled out your your pulsating gooey center and i took a
fucking bite out of it, and now you're done. You might as well just get edible cookie dough, Charlie, because that's all you really seem like you want. It's so good. It's delicious. Edible cookie dough is really good. I'm glad we can all at least agree on that. No, it's good. You guys get all the same brand where it comes in the same size as an ice cream pint or something like that? Yeah, we used to get Toll House. That's the brand of cookie dough we used to get. When I used to go to college, there was the
the little place, the little mart or whatever that was on campus. And in the freezer, they had an actual marketed edible cookie dough thing that didn't have any egg in it. It was just, and it was good. It would taste just like cookie dough. I'm glad we're all like finally like friends again, you know? Yeah. It feels good. It feels like a weight has been lifted off of me, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Oops, I dropped my bread.
I guess the world is like a big open-faced sandwich now. Well, I suppose here's the thing about dropping a piece of bread on the ground. I mean, I feel like with an open-faced sandwich, it is required that it is facing up. But in space... Where is up? Everywhere is up. Can you have a sandwich in space? And we are technically in space...
Are a normal sandwich just two open-faced sandwiches together that are both facing different directions? Does a sandwich have to be edible? Both angled different ways? I don't know. I don't know. But either way, I'd say this was a very, very productive conversation. I would say that we learned a lot about each other. You know, we learned a lot about our hearts.
If you're listening to this right now, your ears are a podcast sandwich. Is that right? Yeah, there you go. Or a sandwich between some headphones if you're wearing, or AirPods if you're wearing AirPods. Maybe, maybe. I mean, it doesn't require there to be some sort of bready aspect here, or are we just ignoring that at this point? But there's one thing we can agree on, no matter what. This is a chuckle sandwich. Thanks for chugging.
Thanks so much for listening, folks. No, you ruined it by saying fucking thanks for chunging, bro. Thanks so much for listening, folks. We'll check you out next week. We will chung you later! Have a wonderful week. Peace out. Oh, man.