Illegal "Would You Rather" Questions
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My house blew up. I had to find another one. Oh, okay. Gas leak. Oh. And it was insurance fraud. Please, officer, you have to understand. I had a gas leak and I just so happened to love to play with matches in my basement.

Not my problem. It's Flo from Progressive's problem now. Thanks, Flo. Thanks for the bundle and safe. You ever met her? Yeah, I have met Flo. Have you? No, I haven't. I don't have Progressive. She is so goddamn annoying. That lady will not shut up about insurance, and that's all she ever thinks about. I don't know how long she's been doing the commercials for, but she's getting old. Oh, she's getting up there. She's getting up there. I wonder if that actress, I wonder if that's her only job.

She couldn't do anything else, bro. Yeah, it turns out that Flo from Progressive was going to be in La La Land. It wasn't going to be Emma Stone. It was going to be Flo from Progressive and she just didn't get it. Well, they got Flo from Progressive. They got Jake from State Farm. They got Geico the Gecko from Geico.

Who else do they have? Why is it British too? Why is the gecko British? Americans love British people. Americans love the Brits. They love the British accent. They think it's smart. Meanwhile, British people are the fucking stupidest country of people ever compiled. How do you get a worldwide empire?

and lose it in like 100 years. Like every single one they had. - The UK now is the Pomeranian of the Wolf of Yesterday. - Exactly, and Geico the Gecko, and my house today is rubble. I'd bang Flo for progressive. - Welcome to Shuffle Sandwich.

The oil's flowing through my flat six, and I am ready to go. I'm firing on all pistons. I got launch control ready, and we're doing Would You Rathers today. Tucker, take it away. Would you rather have an Omnitrix or a Death Note?

Death note. Yeah, this one I got on Reddit and it's pretty good. Whoa, okay. Now, for those of you who don't know what the Omnitrix is, because, you know, this may be aging us a little bit. This is a bit old. It is a bit old. The Omnitrix is from Ben 10, one of the best cartoons of all time. And it's basically, it's the coolest concept for a kid to have for a show. One of the coolest, I'd say. It's basically, kid gets a fucking watch and

And he can just use the watch to turn into literally whatever alien he wants. I think he starts off with like maybe, I don't know, 10 of them. And then he gets more. He gets more, but the show name doesn't change. Appropriately, yeah. Ben 17 doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. Yeah.

It does not. It does not. But oh, man, that's a tough one. No, it's not. This is not a tough one. You take it. I'm taking a death note any day of the week. You know why? Because then you can start fucking auctioning off pages in it and real estate to the highest bidder. And there's going to be a lot of them. I feel like if you start doing that, people would figure out who you are and then that you'd be such a huge target.

Now imagine you have a watch that turns you into a 30-foot tall slime beast. You don't think that'll put a target on you? No, because... What are you, fucking stupid? Well, I'm not stupid. I think I'm actually pretty smart. Yes, you are. Don't say that. You're stupid if you think that the death note is going to be more noticeable than you turn it into fucking Iceman. I'm upset now. Iceman? Okay.

You're going to listen to me. You're going to listen real good right now. Okay? Sure. Fine. If we're talking about... Because it sounds like if you want the death note, it's like, oh, hey, I want people to kill me. I mean... What? I want to kill other people. I want to kill people. What are you talking about? You want to kill people with the death note, right? So...

And there's, you know, if you compare the two, and if we're focusing on the main factor of killing here, there's two options here. You know, you've got the Death Note, which you can just write a name in, and then they just die, and it's like anonymous, and you have no idea. You get the Omnitrix. You switch into an alien. An alien that only exists if you switch into it, okay? So you go, you switch into an alien, you go do a crime. You switch back to human form. There's no trace, right?

You kidding me right now? And also, in the fucking...

I had a period of time maybe four months ago when I fell into the Ben 10 lore wiki sphere. Okay. And there is a fucking alien that Ben can turn into that's like God or something or is like that. Well, that obviously that obviously was not one of the original Ben 10 tennis. Are we talking? Okay. Well, now we got to now we have to have Tucker confirm this. Are you talking about Alien X?

It's like big and cosmic looking. Yeah, he's definitely cosmic looking. He's looking like a cosmic guy. He's from the forge of creation. He's from the forge of creation, Schlatt. What does that sound like to you? This is some bullshit DLC that Rockstar added 10 years after to try and keep people playing Grand Theft Auto V. This is not anything that should be in the lore, man.

This is the fucking Ben 10 shark card. I think Ben 10's got some cool shit, but really, what are you going to do? What are you going to fight crime? You're going to get real bored of that. Okay. Come on. What about this? What about this? Wait. Okay. You're going to fight crime? You're going to get bored of it? The thing that you want only has the ability to kill people. Yes. That's all it does. That's all I need. That's all I'd use the Omnitrix for. Yeah. Killing people.

And this is just a quicker way to do it. I can do it from my fucking couch. What if you run out of pages? Well, hey, Ben 10's fucking watch doesn't work half the time. Well, that's just... Why doesn't Ben 10's watch work? I bet it works really well in real life. You got to slap it on the MagSafe charger. He's like, hold on. My Apple Watch needs to go. The digital crown stopped working. Dude, you just add more paper to it or something. Or you write really small. Here, how about this one? How about this one? You want to kill people?

Yes. You just switch into, and if we're talking about purely the main 10 or nine aliens or whatever that he had, I'm not sure if the 10 includes Ben in it, but you switch into the fucking smart one, the little tiny smart one.

Uh-huh. You know? Oh, I remember that little guy. Like Brainwave or whatever. Yeah, I remember that little guy. Smart. I totally remember him. He was like little Ant-Man. Yeah. Sneaky shit. Yeah. And you turn into him, and that guy, I think he's got like an IQ of like one billion. So like imagine how much killing and how much more you could do because you don't got an IQ of one billion as far as I know. No, I don't. Is that true, Fred? I don't, but I have been listening to Lex Friedman. Okay. Well...

And you think that that's just sending your IQ just... Yeah, it's been growing. It's just a straight line up, just positive net growth. Think about what you could do with an IQ of 1 billion. I mean, excluding becoming a nihilist, because I feel like whenever they make people really, really smart and these kind of things, they're like, oh, then the person discovers there's no meaning to life or whatever, and they kill themselves. But you could do... You could make a fucking...

You could make the Death Note. No, you couldn't. Yeah, you couldn't build it. That's some occult shit. No, you couldn't. You couldn't build it. And listen, I guarantee you, if I'm a billion IQ, I'm fucking killing myself. The Death Note is just infinitely cheaper and quicker. When I'm ready to die, I just, whoop, goodbye, all gone. And listen, you know what?

This is just in a, this, this whole on the tricks thing seems extremely, extremely inefficient. There's like, why are we even having this conversation? If I wanted to do a lot of damage, I could just fucking pull. I can, I got all I need in here. All right. All I need are like born. I don't care. I don't care. I have to, I have the equipment. Okay. What the fuck? Okay. Riddle me this.

I've got one final point that I'm gonna make here. And this is gonna lock you in. Are you listening carefully? Are you using your listening ears with the quiet coyote? Okay. You get to switch into that smart little shit with the billion IQ. And here's what you're gonna do, Shlatt. You're gonna first invent immortality. You're living forever if you want. And then by the time the earth turns into a red giant...

You are going to use your technology to move the earth. You know what you think about that? I do like the idea of moving the earth. Yeah, that's what I thought. I do like the idea of moving the earth. But again, like, I don't think I need to be the guy to do it. I don't need to be doing everything. I know I could be. And you know what? It would probably benefit the world a lot. Think about it. For the rest of human history, it's going to be like, shlap.

That fucking guy that moved the earth. But look, but listen, I'll suck one cock and then I won't be the guy who moved the earth. I'll be a cocksucker, okay? And that's how they'll know me as. You're speaking like sucking cock is an inevitability. They'll know me as a cocksucker once I suck that cock. I know, but you don't actually have to suck the cock

But I'm saying like when I do, if I do, when I do, if I do, then I'll be the cocksucker instead of the earth mover. And you know, I think someone else can do all that. Can I just get a yes or no if you believe that this cocksucking event is an inevitability or is it just a, like it sounds like it's going to happen to you. Like you're going to slip. You're going to be walking down the street and you're going to slip.

Yeah, it might just go in one time. Listen, I don't know. I don't know. All right. Listen, I think Death Note's better. I think you can make a shit ton of money auctioning off the slots, and it can all be done under the counter and in a very private, safe way. Yeah, and then my answer is I would get the Omnitrix and become an alien hitman that nobody can trace and also get a billion IQ and move the Earth because Shalette's not going to do it, so I might as well.

And maybe you'll suck a dick along the way. No, no, I'm not. Oh, okay. I'm going to suck two dicks. All right, Tucker, next question. Okay, would you rather have constant terrifying hallucinations or nightmares? What? Would I rather? One more time. Okay, one more time, please. Would you rather have constant terrifying hallucinations or nightmares every time you went to bed?

constant terrifying hallucinations or nightmares every time you went to bed honestly i'd probably prefer the nightmares because it's like i feel like the hallucinations could fall you into your dreams and then it's just like a 24-hour job but then like a nightmare it's like you wake up and half the time it's like oh man that was you know there's a bit of euphoria mixed into having a nightmare because you have a nightmare and then the moment you wake up you're like

Thank fucking God. Like sometimes I've had nightmares where it's like, I've made a terrible choice. Like I killed someone and then the police are coming and I'm like, right, I'm going to jail. Sweet. That's it. That's it. And then I'll wake up and I'll be like, Oh my God. Yeah. Um,

I would have never made that fucking choice. Yes, dude. I would have never just shot a guy randomly in a fucking Wegmans. I would never have done that. I knew it wasn't my time to suck that dick yet. Yeah. Yeah. This is such a bad question. I'm not going to lie. No, don't. No, well, hold on. The premise is, would you rather go to... You realize that whenever you say this, I know, but Tucker brings us these stuff, and you realize that whenever you say, this is such a bad question, Tucker, Chuck,

chose this question. So you're in turn saying, Tucker, you're bad at choosing people. - Tucker spent five minutes Googling things on Reddit. - He's working hard. - My God, geez. - This is a bad question. The premise is would you rather go to sleep and have bad things happen

Tucker, wait. Did you make this one up or did you choose this? No, this one I didn't, but I do make some of them up. Yes, you better be careful because you're running the risk of insult. I'm going to be brutally honest either way. Either way. And this question is fucking dumb, Ted. Would you rather go to bed and have a bad dream or would you rather have...

terrible hallucinations and a mental issue that creeps into every corner of your real life. Yeah. I will admit it is a bit of a cut and dry. It's a bit cut and dry. It's a bit cut and dry. And Tucker, I mean, what would you choose? You'd choose the nightmares, wouldn't you? Yeah. But I think that the nightmares would lead to a sleep deprivation because like, you're going to wake up over and over and over every night, all night. Like there is no release if you choose the nightmares. Yeah.

Because if you choose the hallucinations, sleeping would be your release. But enough nightmares and you're going to ruin your daytime as well.

There's something called gamer saps and it keeps you awake and alert. I don't know if you know about that Just a couple of fucking games Just every time you have a new night burn it's you add another scoop each day and then it'll eventually I feel like gamer subs is the kind of thing to give you weird dreams though Like if you have to know no, you know, what gives me really fucking weird dreams that I had to stop taking but melatonin

I can't do melatonin. My dreams on melatonin are fucking wild. I saw two dicks, three dicks, four dicks, blue dicks. Each individual milligram of melatonin increases the number of dicks. Increases the amount of men in the bukkake.

Welcome to your melatonin dream, Schlatt. It's like a whole pre-programmed thing. You took 10 milligrams, so we've got 10 hot men for you today. Fuck yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. I'll be taking 10 every night. Don't go to shampoofantasy.com if you're listening to this podcast right now. Do not go to that website. You will not have a good time. Careful, listeners. He's using reverse psychology on you. He's a master manipulator.

When Shay and I, when we went to Tahoe last week and we went camping, it was something about, because it got chillier, it got down to like 40 degrees or something like that. And something about camping in colder conditions makes me have really, really vivid and strange dreams. And I don't know what it was. The fucking dream I have, and I still remember the dream, it was like...

It was like you were actually in the dream, by the way. It was like... Was I? And a lot of people that we work with was in the dream. It was almost like we were at a convention, but this convention was in a giant mall. And we were kind of like, you know how content creators are. It's like we find a spot where we don't need to be in the public eye. And then we're just chatting with all the people we know. And then as we're in this mall, there's like this group of kids that like...

come up and they're like a group of high schoolers and they like recognize us and stuff and Then it sort of becomes clear over the course of the dream that these kids aren't like normal kids They're like kids out of like a show where they all have like their own sort of quirks and they're very much so like characters like characters from like a show about high school and getting into like wacky scenarios so like as throughout this

experiencing this mall like i'd be walking through this mall and then all of a sudden the kids would be like oh they're on a scavenger and we gotta like do this thing or they just it was very very strange where they just kept showing up and there was something wacky happening to them and that was like my whole night was just dealing with like i was like who the are these

And deal with all the wacky hijinks they get up to. I know. There were so many wacky hijinks that were going on with these fucking kids. Every time. Dude, every time. It seems like there's more wacky hijinks. And then everything always resets at the end. You know? Like, one of the characters could die at the end. In the next episode, they're just fine. It's like Teen Titans Go. Yeah. Or South Park. Yeah. What was the...

That was a question on would you rather have nightmares or terrible hallucinations? I think I would still... I like to think of my way around it. And I think that for the nightmare stuff, I would teach myself. And this might be breaking the rules a little bit. But I would teach myself the lucid dream. Okay? Because if you learned a lucid dream, then you can take control of the dream. Right? You become conscious. Exactly.

And it's like, oh my god, giant fucking dinosaur chasing after me with fucking tentacles that want to fuck me in the ass, right? And I'm like, oh, I don't want that. Wink. And I, you know, suddenly I spawn like a gun and I'm like shooting the dinosaur. Yeah, and you're fine. And I keep the tentacles for myself.

I've only lucid dreamed once. And I was a young child and I asked my parents, can I have a dolphin? And they said yes. And I wrote it. It just appeared in front of me. How do you know it was a lucid dream? Because I spawned a dolphin in. You brought up all of a sudden the Gmod fucking graph gun shows up. And you hear like a boop, boop.

It was the metallic briefcase from Cowboys and Aliens. And then out he came. That's funny. Nightmares any day of the week. Nightmares. Nightmare, nightmare, nightmare. Nightmare. Ted, do me a favor. Look to the left on three. Ready? Three. Are we wearing the same headphones right now? Yeah. We are. Wow. Yeah. We should kiss, man. Mine are getting fucked up, though.

Oh, Jesus. No, I don't. I wouldn't wear. Well, I had the other ones that I would wear, but then the open back would just come, would soil the audio. Yeah, it would soil the audio. You have two pairs of those, though. Don't you have the orange ones, too? You have ones that are orange? No. You don't have orange headphones. Is that what you're hearing right now? It's such a fucking lie. You fucking liar. There's no... You don't have orange headphones? No.

What are you talking about? Why would I have orange headphones? You're gonna make me feel fucking crazy. Is this some Mandela effect bullshit that's going on? Where you think I have a pair of orange headphones? He has orange headphones. He's got orange headphones. No need to verify. I don't know. I don't know if he does. Yeah, you do. You wore them on episode 73.

and you wore them on episode 72. Ted, you're bullshitting me. Fine. You don't have orange headphones, okay? They've always been the same headphones. Next, would you rather, Tucker? Did you just put your hand out like you were doing the force on Tucker? Next question. That's enough. The Jedi mind trick. Okay. The next question is, who would you rather live with? This is like you have to share an apartment with.

with someone and your four choices are a hoarder a neat freak an exhibitionist or somebody who's pet obsessed wait can you can you describe can you define exhibitionist someone who's got their dick and balls out all day that's that's i assume that was sexual yeah well dick and balls yeah and if they fuck they're fucking right out in the living room okay so we got a neat they're kind of like a no boundaries person we got a neat recorder hoarder

absolutely fucking orders out of it absolutely fucking not um and then there's what was the last one tugger pet obsessed yeah like somebody who's got a lot of pets like a cat mom or something like that i don't want that either i don't want to have to deal with that okay the exhibitionist and honestly the exhibition is kind of a non-starter as well so i'm gonna have to go with the neat freak yeah the neat freak i think neat freak is like ocd like like

Like real OCD. Like it's, they're going to freak the fuck out over everything. So this is like a roommate that like you would basically have no control over your own space. Yeah. Like they're cleaning your room for you, but like, yeah. And in a way that no, I've got nothing to hide. I don't think Tucker or I believe that I vote neat freak. Um, yeah, I think I would do neat freak. And I think if you both are doing neat freak, then take neat freak out and then play with the other three. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Pet obsessed. Yeah, pet obsessed. Pet obsessed. Take that one out now? Yeah, yeah. Now rank the other two. Exhibitionist. Okay. Do we become a hive mind when we have the same headphones? We're going to finish each other's. It's a pretty clear cut though right there. It's pretty cut and dry. Like it is cut and dry. Ted, you botched it. Because... What'd you say? It's okay, Tucker. Don't worry about it, Tucker. This will be our little secret. What? What the fuck?

He has no idea. He has no idea, and it's really embarrassing. I'm embarrassed right now. I'm feeling embarrassed. What's the bit here? Okay, so the next question is, would you rather... I don't like being left out of this situation. Ted, you are the situation. No, Mike is the situation, and he's from New Jersey. Would you rather have a world where Nintendo and Sega never existed, or one where Sony and Microsoft never existed? I'd rather end world hunger.

or something important what the fuck what the fuck is this question this is a stupid ass question yet again slam dunk dude say the question again would you rather have a world where nintendo and sega never existed or one where sony and microsoft never existed would you rather have no funko pop or no youtube speaking come on bro who the fuck cares laughing laughing

Oh. Oh.

Skip this fucking one, bro. I know why he chose this one because he's a big... He likes Nintendo stuff a lot. And I think that Tucker would choose the Nintendo route. I think that's what Tucker would choose. He would choose to have Nintendo. Is that right, Tucker? Yeah, but the question's for you. Look, you'd obviously... I think any rational person would drop Xbox and PlayStation because that just means PC gaming...

PC gaming would be, I mean, all the games on Xbox and PlayStation run on PC, and none of the games on Nintendo do. So, like, you keep Nintendo because that's the only place you can play those games, and then fuck Xbox and PlayStation. But if we didn't have Nintendo, then we wouldn't have Chris Pat Mario movie. Chris Pat Mario, Charlie Day. We would not have Chris Pat Mario movie and Sonic fan art.

We wouldn't have the same fucking Sonic game. And the Mario and Sonic making out gif. That is a good gif. We wouldn't get any of that. For that reason alone. I'm interested in the Sony and Microsoft thing. Why Sony and Microsoft? PlayStation and Xbox. Oh, Xbox. I see. Okay. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Totally would go with the Microsoft. We're out, though. Because I like my PS5. I use it way more than I use my Switch. I mean, it would be a bummer to lose some of those things. But I mean, like... You could just get it on the PC. It's one of those things where it's like, Sega barely exists anymore. Yeah. Sega, as a company, what do they even make? Do they even make anything else? They make Sonic. They make Sonic. They make Sonic, and it's like...

I think the question is supposed to be viewed in more of like a historical light. Like what, you know, Nintendo and Sega kind of pioneered a lot of things. Yeah. I think, I think if it's, if you're talking the entire history now, I think the answer is even more obvious. Yeah. You're keeping Nintendo and Sega. Yeah.

Ted, come on, man. Come on. I know you like playing PlayStation 5 on your shitty little crappy wooden couch, but you can get all those games on the PC and you can save Mario at the same time. Yeah, but I mean, if they didn't have PlayStation, then we would not have been able to play Tack and the Power of Juju. And Knack would be gone. And Crackdown.

- Crackdown, how could I forget about Crackdown? - Forgot about Crackdown. - You would lose Halo. - And also Uno for Xbox 360. - Fuck, and Peggle maybe, Peggle. - And others, and, and, boom, and Zoo Tycoon CD-ROM, and also. - What the fuck, CD-ROMs are made for computers. - Yeah, Microsoft. - Oh!

Hold on. Is the question Xbox and PlayStation or do you lose Windows? Sony and Microsoft. So we'll say you lose Windows. Oh, dude, you lose PC too because there's no such thing. You have to run on Linux. Yeah, that's why I was like, I don't want to set up Linux on my computer. I don't want to do that.

Nobody wants to do that. I don't want to do that either. Fuck Mario. Yeah, exactly. My final point was going to be you wouldn't be able to play the fucking pinball game from Windows this

Vista. Oh my God. Or maybe Windows 9. 3D Space Cadet. That's the biggest loss of them all. Also, Nintendo fans are kind of insufferable little pricks. And also, Nintendo as a company is insufferable. It's like the way that they make their games available and sometimes they just don't let... I don't know. Tucker, you probably got more gripes with Nintendo than either of us. A true Nintendo fan will always hate them the most.

That's a strong statement right there. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's our answer right there. Lock it in. Would you rather be able to understand what happens after death? So, like, assume there's afterlife. You get to know all the secrets. Or you get to see into the future. I'd rather see into the future. Because I feel like knowing everything is sometimes not good. Like, I feel like if I knew...

Yeah. I mean, that's the ultimate truth. Is it not what happens after you die? Is that not like what everyone wants to know? I feel like knowing that and if it's not the answer you want, that would really suck. That would really suck. And that would probably... What options do you have? You can't kill yourself because then you just get there faster. Yeah. Yeah. That would... Oh, bro. Oh, bro.

Yeah, that would suck. You find out the secrets to what after you die, you don't like it, don't kill yourself. And if you really want to see into the future, fuck it. Just use it to invest in the next big company or something. And then you've got a great life for the rest of time. And then you don't have this mortal fear. That would kind of suck if you figured out what was after death and then you were just like...

I mean, I guess nothing would be a fine answer. Yeah. There's a movie they made not too long ago where they, I think it was called the discovery where basically they, they found out that there was heaven after and everyone just started killing themselves. It's pretty grim. Yeah.

And everyone can get, like, we're talking like, they were like, hey, the Christian God is real and heaven is real. Yeah, pretty much. And then it was like everyone started killing themselves, which is what would send you to hell. Yeah, there was some science shit. It wasn't like a Christian spin on it. It was just, there was some science shit. They were monitoring brainwaves and they were like, yeah, you get real happy and like you go to this nice place.

After you die and everyone just started off on themselves. Oh, so it was like a scientific aspect of how your brain feels at that last moment? Mm-hmm. That's interesting. Yeah. It's called The Discovery? I think it's called The Discovery. Oh, I'll have to look at that later. But I'm totally going with seeing the future. Yeah, I definitely like the whole concept of Biffin it.

of going full Biff, like back to the future Biff level, get the fucking sports almanac of all life in the future. Although you'd have to, no, I guess it doesn't matter. If you just know all of the future, that must be overwhelming because I don't really remember too much at one moment. And to know all things in the future, that's a lot of information right there. I see it as like you can turn it on and off and you don't have to see everything if you don't want to.

Right. Like you can just ask the little console in your brain, like, what's the next big company? What's going to happen tomorrow? When I wrote the question, I interpreted it differently. I interpreted it more like,

Someone comes up to you and they're like you have these two things right now here now you get to view this or view this But yeah, I got five minute like you're like five. Oh, okay It's not like you just get to constantly ask questions It's like you get the answer for like I want to see what the year like 3000 looks like like boom. Oh

Here's like a five-minute compilation of the world. Yeah, I got you. I would still take the future because then it's even easier. Then there really is no overwhelming guilt or anything like that. You could just be like, show me the top...

500 companies show me show me the s&p 500 30 years from now you know yeah 30 years from now and then easy yeah it's the only question i need dude the only question see this is cut and dry this is what happens when we're wearing the same headphones and then it's like and then and then when it shows you 30 years in the future it's just like all of it is just fucking like

Ocean cleanup, air cleanup, like all those companies, just anything related to just like a global warming apocalypse. And you're like, well. And you look at Apple and all those shit and they're like fucking worth a dollar. Yeah. You're like, what the fuck happened? All right. You got another one for us, Tucker? So this one is, would you rather have to live in the Middle Ages or fight in the trenches of World War I? Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's a tough one. No. I guess not. I guess it's not a tough one. I guess it's cut dry for Schlein. It's cut dry for me. Is it a stupid question, Schlein? Is it a stupid question? The back of my head's going like, oh, this is, you know. I'd totally rather be in the medieval times, middle ages. Not much was going on there. I'd probably kill myself. Yeah.

I'd, uh, no, I mean, dude, you just work on a farm. You know, this is such a fun exercise for the person that says that the questions are stupid and they kill themselves in every situation. I feel like I'd work on a farm and be happy. A little happy with my cattle.

and not know much about what's going on. Like, dude, the worst thing in the world could be happening and you'd still be just on the farm just enjoying it. What era are we talking about in the Middle Ages? Are we talking like the Dark Ages or are we talking about, you know, are we talking Castle Age? Are we talking Imperial Age? Like, what are we? I didn't have a specific one in mind. I think like anything before like the 1200s

Like technology's not there. It's like the feudal. You're just farming. You're farming. You've got some animals. You're a servant to a lord or something. I might go back down there to the feudal. I'm putting four on gold, four on stone. I'm putting a shit ton on wood. And then I'm going to try to fast castle. I'm going to try to fast castle. I'm going to push.

Yeah, Swagger Souls plays like that, and it is fucking awful playing with him because you'll be putting a lot on gold, and he'll come with fucking people already with just clubs. He just, I don't know. I don't like the way he plays. Sean, do you play Age of Empires? Yeah, definitive. Two? Oh, yeah, of course. Oh, shit.

We'll talk about that later. All right. All right. Okay. So that was a big discovery right there. For the good of? That was a pretty big discovery right there. But yeah, no, I think feudal would be pretty cool. Dude, I can't get my, I can't think about it in any other context besides Evidre Empires right now. I'm trying to pull my mind out of it. I mean, that's how the world worked back then, right? That's how it was. Yeah. Yeah. A big mouse in the sky clicked on you and then dragged you to where you needed to go. Yeah.

And then you had one voice line and you said it over and over again. Something about us moving to attack this wall makes me want to be staggered. Wait, no, I want to be in a square. What is this giant V in the sky? Oh, I think this means I need to, I think this means I need to attack. Yeah, no, I mean, I guess feudal would be, I mean, there's so many diseases and you'd have to like, I feel like,

They ate fish and you could see the head of the fish. Like you were still seeing the head of the fish when you were eating fish. And I just don't want to be eating heads of fish, dude. Like I feel like if I was in World War I, I wouldn't be eating a fish head. Like they'd be giving me at least a filet and they'd be like, all right, run towards the machine gun fire. You think they gave you a filet before you died in the trenches? You think they gave you a fucking five course meal? No, man, you were eating so much. No, filet is a single course. Sometimes you were eating one.

You probably eat mud back then. They weren't eating mud. I'd be, I'd be a, I'd be a, a, they weren't eating mud. You can't say that they were eating mud. I'd be in the middle ages. I'd be a little farmer and I hope to God spirit of the law is telling me what to do because God damn it. I'd be so happy. If they, you put me in world war one,

Do we get to go there with the knowledge of World War I and the feudal age? No, I don't think so. What? So we go there and we get our memories wiped? Sure, yeah. And your goal is just... You gotta spend 18 years. You gotta spend 18 years before you die. Like all the fucking lead up for nothing.

Just live as a nice little farmer in 10. You're 10. I'm having a tough time with this because, I mean, on one side, it's like I go and I live as a farmer, but I have to eat fish with the head still on. And then it's like I go to World War I, and it's like they're giving me a nice filet. You're so caught up over this fish shit. And they're like, you're doing good work for your country. It's not even accurate. You see that big field over there where there's no grass, no food, no animals, no trees. Yeah.

um and it's smoking and stuff there's more plays over there and i'll be like that seems like it makes sense especially yes yes sir if that means that i'm going to be serving my country right now yes sir yeah exactly i climb up the ladder i walk across um and then the rest of it plays out like the sun in the newest kingsman movie no idea what that means

Next question. Would you rather be an expert at every language or an expert at every instrument? Would I rather be Xiaoma or Jacob Collier? That's essentially what you're asking me. Okay, this is a very important question. Every time I impress someone with my language skills, does a stupid fucking sound effect have to play?

like boo every time i say something zhaoxian how's your walk boo boom where's somebody like the surprise someone turns and notices and they're like they're like wait i gotta speak in my language yeah no no i i would rather be a polyglot i don't care about the the cello or the flute what am i gonna play the flute it's

What the fuck is that? I don't know. It's such a stupid instrument. What type of instrument? What do you like as an instrument? What instruments do you like?

I don't, I don't, I'm not interested in instruments enough. There's no way that's even remotely true. You're such a fucking liar. No, it's not. You made that music channel with Ludwig. Yeah, you made that music channel. I pay someone to make all the music. You think I'm fucking making the music? I'm going to kill you. I'm going to kill you right now because you're being such a little shit right now. You're going to kill me right now. You're going to kill me. You, Ted Nibbins, are going to come over and kill me. Fuck you, okay? I'm about to school your ass. Welcome to Ted's school.

Okay, only students schlatt. All right, and he's fucking on about to go on academic fucking probation because he doesn't understand this shit Okay, they were slutty little school uniform. But the point I was gonna make was You know expert in every instrument you could make as many different fucking Animal Crossing sounds as you want Tucker made a very good point when he said that as many Animal Crossing sounds as you want or if you don't like that you

You could play the drums, which are a badass instrument. Or you could play the guitar, okay?

Imagine you walk into a room or something and some guy's got an instrument. Any person that has an instrument that you see, you will be a better... You'll be more of an expert at that instrument than they are. You'll be better than them. You will be better than them. This is silly. Isn't that what you want? You want to be better than them? No, this is a stupid fucking question. Okay, you go to a fucking Metallica concert or something. You get up on the stage and you play it better than the guitarists themselves. Oh yeah, like they're going to let you. Okay, riddle me this. Okay. Riddle me this. Okay? Okay.

You would be able to play on the guitar through the fire and flames. Okay. You can do it. You can do it. You just pick it up. Sure. You can play it on the flute if you wanted to. I'm sure that'll be cool. Three times. Is that going to be your party trick? Look how good I can play the fucking guitar every time. People are going to be like, oh, great. He's got another fucking instrument this time. I can't stand this guy. That would be really cool to know every language. It would be. You can go anywhere you want. Anywhere you want and never get lost.

Never have to hold the fucking Google Translate up like a goddamn idiot. Yeah. You can set your VPN location to God knows where and still have a great conversation. I mean, they're both just, in my opinion, they're both very, very alluring options, but I probably would choose the polyglot option because I feel like... No, no, no, no, no. You're committing to this music shit.

Because you do not go on a whole route about hating me for my decision here and then fall in line. No, you're taking the user. You're going to be really good on the timpani, dude. I'm not falling in line. You're going to be Ted on his harp at the party, at the function. I wouldn't choose a harp, by the way. I would choose a sick set of drums. Get out of here. See, this is why we disagree. You know why we disagree? Different headphones. You know what's funny?

We're not disagreeing right now. You're saying I have to take the position of disagreeing with you. I was playing a deep devil's advocate because I didn't think that you were totally considering all the options there. Although, I will say... And I did.

I would like to know a lot of languages. That would be so cool. I mean, because think about it. You travel and it's like if you know the language any location you go, nobody can make fun of you for being a stupid American if you fucking speak the language fluently everywhere. It's like... You are preaching to the biggest choir in America right now. And you could just be on a subway and somebody's saying shit about you in fucking Russian or something and you'd be like,

- Thank you, you'd say thank you to them? - That's hello. - Oh, it is? That goes to show you how much I need this skill. - You say, "harusho." I don't know. - Oh, good. - I learned like four words from Moses. - That's good. - But then you start speaking Spanish, you say everything. Speaking Japanese, you understand anime. You don't need subtitles anymore. - I agree with you. - And this ties into the subtitle thing. - You're saying reasons that I've already thought of? - You'll never need subtitles again. - Okay, okay, that's enough.

Why'd you say it like that? It sounded like I was an out-of-control child. You're like, alright, that's enough, Jimmy. Yeah, I think it's cut and dry. Cut and dry. Every language. This one is from an anonymous viewer that says, would you rather be mayo or be a woman? Would you rather be mayonnaise? Yeah, mayonnaise. Or a woman? Or a woman. Like a female human? Oh, right.

I was actually asking a question about the mayo rather than what a woman is. But is it like a... Is it one of the squeeze bottles?

That has the funky cap that can squeak. Okay, if I can pick, then I'm fucking mayonnaise all day. Yeah, I definitely would like the squeeze one if that was an option. Yeah, I would take the squeeze one. Because I don't want to have to get the knife in there. That's terrible. It gets all clunky with the screw and the knife. No, the squeeze on Hellman's mayonnaise is absolutely the way to go. Also, who the fuck...

decided Hellman's needed a Super Bowl commercial. Can I rant about that for a second? You can. I haven't seen the Super Bowl commercial. There was a mayonnaise commercial at the Super Bowl. Yeah. Who is that going to sell on mayonnaise? Who's going to see that and be like, oh...

That's a good point. What the fuck? I don't know if there's too many people that are like, don't know what mayonnaise is or like, it's not like a new product. That's like the fucking, that's like an ad for the United States Postal Service plane. Like they're average, like what the fuck?

What? It just makes no sense. Well, I suppose it's more like a... I'll tell you right now, I can't think of another brand of mayonnaise, but it's probably similar to a Pepsi commercial where it's like... Best Foods, and it's still fucking Hellman's. Oh, like the signature select or whatever? Yeah.

It's all Hellman's. It's all Hellman's. The non-branded is, is Hellman's the only, the only. Oh no, they got, they got like the crappy supermarket brand, but if you're buying great foods, come on. You, if you're buying great foods, Mayo, you want to buy Hellman's Mayo. Let's put it that way. You're right. I, you know, you're valid. I think your thoughts are valid. I think you've, you've got, you've got it nailed, man. You're fucking smart, dude. Thanks dude. Look at this guy. Look at this guy.

- Dude, dude. - Get someone in here dude. - That's fucking awesome. - Somebody gotta do an IQ test on this shit. - This guy's fucking smart. - Oh, oh. - Wait, what the fuck? - What? - When did you switch out your headphones? Why are they blue now? - Ted, Slatt made a joke about that and you missed it. You are of been,

behind the whole episode, buddy. What the fuck? It's actually embarrassing. I made two. I tried to call attention to this twice. I've been half the podcast I've had a blue pair of headphones on and you have not fucking noticed. What the fuck? Why are you doing this to me, man? Dude, I just, I might say it. I might say it. Tucker, you might have to hold me back. Should I say this? Should I say what I'm really thinking? Say it. Ted, I think you were the dead weight of this episode.

I think me and Tucker kind of understood what was going on. And I'm just not feeling it with you. That's so excessively mean. What an excessively mean thing to say. And it's solely because that you just didn't see the blue headphones. Oh, okay. Sorry that I'm not keeping track of what's going on in your ears all the time, asshole. Okay. Well, what are you looking at otherwise? I'm looking at your soul.

I'm looking at your aura. You're staring through the windows into my soul? Yeah. I can see your aura even through electronic waves, okay? It comes off as like a little fire. And I'll tell you exactly what your aura looks like. What does it look like? It looks like one of those... You know those furry dildos? Tucker, let's do Chuckle Mail, please.

What, those furry dildos? It's in the shape of, uh, you never seen those before? The bad dragons? Yeah, the ones that were like, uh, there was a shortage of them because of the fucking ship that got stuck in the... Yeah, the colorful ones that look like, uh, that have like fins on the end and shit. Yeah. Yeah, they send me those. They send you those? Yeah.

Tucker, let's hit up Chucklemill. Yeah. So JJ from Ontario, Canada wants to know, what's the weirdest or most fascinating rabbit hole you've ever gone down? Oh, interesting. Fascinating rabbit hole. Honestly, I'd have to say, and this is a very obscure one, it was the Raw Instinct versus iFly Illini dispute back in 2013, 2012 maybe even.

What is that? These were two Call of Duty YouTubers who got into a beef because...

Raw Instinct was stealing T Martin's video ideas and thumbnails. And so I Fly Illini called him out because I Fly Illini was mad that Raw Instinct wouldn't work with him. So to call him out, he pointed out the fact that T Martin was the original maker of all the videos. And then Raw Instinct responded with a video that went like this. Hey, everybody, Raw Instinct here. I Fly Illini has recently been caught jerking off

on chatterbait or something like that. And it was the most wild thing ever from the time. And then I finally went on Painkiller already and then pissed in a water bottle and then admitted to it for whatever reason, even though no one saw it. This was big drama back in the day. Yeah. Yeah. He was pissing in water bottles? Yeah, he pissed in a water bottle and jerked off on some site, apparently. I don't know. It could have been fake. But I just remember watching that Raw Instinct video expecting like an apology or something.

yeah it was wild it was fucking wild man i would say that on my side the i guess the most recent rabbit hole i went down was the was the david day control filmography

rabbit hole when I did my Halloween video movie on Halloween puppy Oh, I fell down a rabbit hole finding of this director David de control where you know this movie Halloween puppy was a family-oriented film and it was bad but then I started looking at his other films and he has mostly just made like super soft core homoerotic

Like porn? Right. Like movies that are based around ridiculous concepts. One of them being Bigfoot vs. D.B. Cooper. That's the name of the movie. They found him? Yeah, they found him. And he showed up in a B-movie softcore homoerotic porn flick. With Bigfoot?

Yeah. There was a soft core porn between them? Mm-hmm. I haven't actually seen the movie, but I could only assume. I gotta get a link or something. You gotta get on this. Tell me in the comments. Help us out. You gotta get on this. Anyone got like a torrent? Now, of course, if you had watched my Halloween movie video, you would know about this whole rabbit hole.

Right. Awkward. Which is crazy because I almost feel like I was getting shit on for not watching the entirety of one of your videos. What's going on here, man? No, it's fine. I mean, like...

That's fine. I mean, it's like I said in ranking your absurd TikToks, or maybe it was your insane TikToks, or maybe it was your vile TikToks more recently. What did I say in that? I said something about you, Ted, in that video. I'm going to be honest with you right now, Shalette. I haven't watched a single one of your TikTok reactions.

Hey, someone is. I watched them. Someone is. I don't know who the fuck it is, but someone is. Someone is. I'm sure they're great. I've watched a little bit of them. I usually check on them if, you know.

To see how it's doing. Because I care about you doing well. Yeah, they are. They are doing well. I'm glad. Exceeding, I mean, wow. They're making a lot of money? Are they? And they don't get age-restricted, that is. That's more ridiculous to me, the fact that they don't get age-restricted.

Because some of the ones you watch are there. Yes, they do. They get age-restricted frequently. There have been a lot of problems. Both of my last videos have been age-restricted for a time. And you'll notice they're not anymore. It's because YouTube says, oops, sorry, we made a mistake. And we stole all your money for the week it was wrongly age-restricted. Fucking thieves. I recently had another channel, Schlag. You know Schlag? Mm-hmm. They told me, no, you're not Schlatt.

and so this channel will make no money for a month we'll turn off ads and i submitted a video saying hi this is me i own the content i'm the guy in all the videos please let me make money on the channel and they said and then they looked at it and they said i don't know yeah a human a human watched that video that i sent the appeal explaining that it's me and said there was not enough proof

to to verify that you owned the content yeah and so for a month straight i've been making no money on a channel that i hired someone to run what more proof would they need i don't know maybe they want me to pull my pants down and show my butt crack to the camera maybe that's the fucking verification they need or something man but uh yeah hopefully it's resolved by now

by the time i'm you know this podcast is out but as of right now it's been a month without any revenue and the channel has grown a hundred thousand subscribers in a month and has gotten the most views it's ever gotten and they're just robbing me of money because they because youtube is telling me that i am not myself so when is my uh when's my check coming in for that channel by the way um

you know i'm not i'm i pay net 1000 oh okay yeah that's about three and a half years yeah yeah it'll get there okay well actually that's like less than three years less than three yeah two and two and a bit i'm just you know because and i'm gonna i'm gonna make this statement right now so those of you out there know

I was the first one to say Schlag. This was, yeah, Schlag was Ted's idea. That was all me. Schlag, that branding is all Ted. And I'm sure we, yeah. I took the two T's in your name and I changed them into G's. And that was brilliant of you. It was. It was sort of, as I've said before, it was sort of like, it was art house. It was a bit daring. A bit daring.

yeah yeah that's like something you'd see in the moma yeah it was like an experimental like performance art so it was like it was like a wrong name it was like 2001 a space odyssey because of how because of what it inspired yeah all the art that came after kubrick of nicknames yeah thank you

tucker we got uh any more uh any more chuckle mails we've always got more chuckle mails oh yeah we do it's a big it is a big response list it's like there's probably tens of thousands in there we sent we send tucker in there and it is just because we don't want to do it because you go in there and it's literally just like maybe half the responses are like penis um

Tell Ted, have a chat, talk about men. Um, dude, that's way more than half the responses. Um, and I don't know, like, would you rather have unlimited bacon, but no games or games, unlimited games, but no games. Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah. And that's pretty much it. And then there's real responses. So Tucker's like a, he's like a septic tank cleaner.

Yeah. Those guys make good money. They do. Okay. Lima from Louisiana says,

I said, I'm a strict audio chuckler, and because I'm a strict audio listener, I was wondering if y'all could describe y'all's appearance, since we only have a voice and a vague hints to what you look like. What? Wait, that's crazy. That's crazy. This can't be real. No, there's no shot that's real. It's so easily solved by a Google search. I like that, though. I like that concept, describe us. All right. Well, let's...

We could describe each other. Sure, sure. Schlatt, you want to go for me? Yeah. Okay. Okay, Lima from Louisiana. Ted is a rather skeletal man. He stands about six foot five inches in the air. His face is like the third option in the Mii Maker. You know, that long one with the pointy chin and the rather squared off forehead. Okay. His hair is probably the 16th option in the Mii Maker.

The one with the little swoop. His eyes are the second option. His nose, oh man, it's that fucking huge one that you put on the Squidward me that you're making. When you're breaking the boundaries and making the custom me. You hit the option with that circle with the arrows pointing all out. Yeah. That's how you get Ted's nose. And that's about it. I mean...

He's white. He's white. I am white. He's a white guy. I am. It's true. He's pretty lean, I'd say. Lives in Los Angeles. I do. But I'm sure you could have...

ascertain that by the way he is and i'm sure that fact even is more telling than anything i've ever said poetically you're the way you're speaking you're like doing an why are you doing like an audiobook right now narration you're like his hair nestled upon his head is uh selection three we me maker

Am I wrong? If you use the rotation tool, rotate it all around with the eyebrows, you can make him look like a sickly Victorian child. What would you say for me? Was that apt? Was that an apt description? I don't really have the Mii Maker selection options memorized, but I imagine it would get close. Yeah.

Schlatt. Alright, my turn, I suppose. Alright, Lima from Arkansas or Arizona or wherever the fuck. Louisiana. Louisiana. None of them. Okay. Schlatt. Hello, Lima from Louisiana. Schlatt is a Civil War general in facial hair. He has voluptuous, moist eyelids and a furrowed brow. He seems concerned about

And sometimes he seems sad, but most of the time he's joyful. He's one of the happiest looking boys you'll ever see. You'll walk down the street and you'll see a man with Civil War chops and mustache and you'll say, that guy just won the lottery. Now, his nose, though, is so long. Longer than anything you've ever seen. Most cartoon depictions of his nose...

are incredibly long. So long you could put a yardstick next to his face and his nose would exceed the length of the yardstick. That doesn't seem right. It's almost remarkable how long his nose is. Okay. If I was lying because it's opposite day. And so that's what that looks like. What? What was that? What?

What was that switch up at the end? If I was lying... Yeah, by the way, every answer I gave was the exact opposite of how I actually felt today on the podcast. So put that in your pipe and smoke it. Oh, okay. Yeah. And then, yeah, everything I ever said in my life was actually up to date too. I'm just playing a bit. I've just been playing a bit. Yeah, this is all a joke.

Is there one more, Tucker, you want to throw in there? One more that we could throw in? It's going to be a good one, though, dude. It's going to be a good one. They're all good. I wouldn't send you a bad one. That's my job. I filter them. Damn, you're right. I'm sorry for doubting you. I'm so sorry. Pretty stupid questions today. God, I am getting shafted today.

I'm going to give you an easy one or a short one. This is from an anonymous viewer and they want to know both of your opinions on Burger King. Okay. I have a very specific opinion on Burger King. I went to, and so that's going to grow on when I say this, the one time that I went to China. Okay. We get it. I had to been to China. Right.

At the airport. This isn't even specific to China. At the airport in China, there was a Burger King. I went there and I had the burger at the Burger King. I had a Whopper. And it was like the best Burger King burger.

Not best fast food burger like in the same category that you would consider like McDonald's and Burger King and like Wendy's or whatever to be it was the best of that category burger because you can kind of separate like your Shake Shack and your five guys into a different category, but you know I'm talking about yeah, and it was so fresh and then that caused me when I got back to the US to go to a Burger King and try to get a Whopper wasn't the same so Airport Burger King in China pretty good

um but in my experience burger king has some pretty up employees that like to hide the secrets of the dark council so it's like what's going on yeah cole at burger king was really rude to me one time yeah uh however the last time i actually legitimately went to a burger king i was in the seventh grade and it was uh when i when i got my cast off oh remember when you

Fucked my thumb up with a baseball bat remember when you did that to me Yeah, the day I got my cast off my dad took me to Burger King Wow, and it was really not a good time I rather have eaten any other fast food to be honest with you and I haven't really been too interested in going back and Also, there was a time was probably about a week or two long period a year and a half ago when they bought out literally every single ad slot and

on twitch for their fucking stupid little burger chicken and i never fucking ate it and i hope it i hope it kill everyone who ate that died okay you know that fucking ad for the burger chicken you know the chicken what a stupid fucking name the chicken sandwich the chicken let's call it the chicken if you order the chicken sandwich they will give you a different item

It happened to me. Do you imagine going to school for four years, getting a bachelor's in communications and advertising and all that shit? Maybe even a master's? Yeah, maybe. Just for your magnum opus to be the fucking burger cha-king? Yeah. C-H apostrophe king cha-king? That's how it's spelled? I thought it was like C-H-I-N-K-I-N-G. It's cha-king.

- Cha-King, Cha-King. - They wanted it to be like the sound that money makes. - It was offensive. It was offensive and every ad on Twitch about a year and a half ago was for this fucking thing. And I never had an interest in going back to Burger King. However, the redesign was fire. I love how they brought back the old logo. And that's all I'll say. - Cha-King haters, we love you. And audio listeners,

I thought you were going to say it. No, no, that's you. That's you. That's you, man. That's fine. Audio listeners. Fuck yeah. Thank you guys so much for listening. Ooh, and Tucker haters. Fuck you. Fuck you, Tucker haters. Fuck you, Tucker haters. Get the fuck off. We're going to kill you, Tucker haters. We're going to fucking murder you. Podcast over. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Chuckle Sandwich. Hope you enjoyed yourself. We'll catch you next time. Chicking out.

Hopefully we got our schedule back in order. Yeah.