Hasan Piker Ruins The Podcast
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I'm so happy right now. I'm so happy right now. You know why, Shalette? Is because... He's here. Is because...

My friend. Best. My friend. Best at this point. Maybe even my best friend. I mean, who knows? He's fighting for the position of my basketball buddy. Hasan Piker is here.

is here. What's up, everybody? You got anything silly to say? Just say something really out there. I'm here to defend your honor. Oh, now that is something that I'm excited to hear. My goodness. I'm here to defend your honor. I'm a cool dude. It's chill to be friends with me. I'm just going to throw it out there. I don't think you talk about Ted Nivison

nearly as much as he talks about you and the things you do together. I think you're wrong because you're not watching in the morning when I'm first like introducing what I've done throughout the day before I start the stream. You say I played ball with my friend.

yeah some may say best friend ted nifferson i say i'm i'm balling with my boy ted nifferson every every every time we ball this is this feels like a victory that i have needed on this podcast for a while i have been beaten down and and and slapped around by my previous best friend his name is talker it's like every time i get on set it's like his

Lips are wet, ready to suckle on the teat that is Jay Schlatt. And, you know, I'm just looking for some, I'm looking for a victory here right now. You want, I'll take it one step further. Okay. I have on right now what I call a Ted Nivison fit.

What? Because the new Ted Nificent, the new Ted Nificent fits are, you know, you got the carpenter denim today. I've got the... You got like a cool graphic tee, but usually... I got the Dracula flow tee on. He likes the shirts. This is a very Ted Nificent fit. Hell yeah. We got Hasan here. Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich. I'm honored to be here, guys. This is... I was very upset that you guys did Chuckle Week last time and I was not invited. This has been a long time coming. It's pretty much like before even we were...

in our basketball routine, Hassan, every time I would see you, you'd be like, it'd be something along like, you'd be like, I'm just feeling a little bit offended, Ted. I'm like, you'd like come to me in like confidence. You'd be like, Ted, I'm just feeling a little sad. I'm like, what's wrong, Hassan? And you'd be like,

You just have never had, you just haven't had me on Chuckle Sandwich just by myself. Really? Because we had you, both you and Will Neff together on in the first Chuckle Sandwich. And then you invited him back alone and you did not invite me back, which made me feel some type of way for understandable reasons. You're controversial, man. You're controversial. Yes, I can think of a couple things you've said. I don't know what you're talking about. And last time I racked my brain, I got nothing on my record.

Yeah. Okay. Well, well. And Ted, he's as clean as they get. I'm worried about him hanging out with you. Listen, I. You getting your grubby little hands on him? Yeah, he starts talking about like geopolitical issues. He brought me on his stream one time and he had me wear this giant Make America Great Again hat. Oh, yeah, I did. Really? Yeah, it was a giant like cowboy. I don't even know. Where did you even get that? Was that sent to you? That was, I think.

I think Ethan bought it for H3H3. Oh, okay. And then I just kind of took it home because I was like, I really like this. I need something to show for this. Yeah, exactly. When I was in college, I had this Reagan Bush 84 shirt. Killer logo. I have the hat.

Tucker, look this up. The Reagan Bush campaign in '84, phenomenal branding. They still sell shirts with that logo on it because it just, oh. - It's perfect. - I wore that around college campus one day. One of the old professors looked at me and said, "You know, that's very brave of you." - He said that? - I was like, "Oh, thank you." Yeah. - Was the college you went to, was that like a particularly liberal school?

Isn't all aren't all colleges. Yeah, that's like every college. That's fair. What's the what's the have you gone? You've gone to schools a lot. Yeah, I was at I was at USC giving a speech this past Monday. Yeah. And and

Rumor has it a lot of people didn't want you there. Yeah, I got 27,000 letters sent to USC to stop me from speaking. Yeah. On campus. Like physical, like postage? I think it was like an email campaign, but that's how they presented it. Yeah.

They say it's like a letter-ready campaign. It's like a mountain of actual postmarked letters. Yeah. That'd be funny. It's almost like the stencil cutouts. Don't let him on. One guy licked 80, I mean, 27,000 stamps. Wow. USC receives 20K leverage for protesting at Sun's talk on campus. Who do you think was leading the charge there? Who do you think was leading the charge there? I know who was leading the charge. It was a Zionist group.

like pro-israel group that was like this guy's uh really bad news like don't let him on one of the funniest aspects of it though was uh they said i got banned off twitch for saying racial slurs which is true did you yeah i did say cracker yeah that was the original so they didn't put the racial slur that i said so they tried to make it seem like i was like right wing i guess right yeah and everyone was like you just busted out with like the n word yeah they're everyone i mean

Luckily the professor was a fan and was like, no, this is not happening. Yeah, it is cool though. It is, you know, college campus is too woke. - So how many colleges have you visited? - Not a lot. I mean, I've been to Ann Arbor, University of Michigan. I've been to a bunch. - Which one would you say is the most conservative leading or were they all just liberal at their ass? - They're all liberal. - I think it's entirely dependent on the department. 'Cause like every college campus,

Every college campus has like very, very conservative departments. Specifically like finance or business. Like usually you're going to get some, you're going to get a lot of right wing guys there. Surely they're just fiscally conservative and socially liberal. Sometimes, sometimes. But like the more STEM you go to, the more like they become socially conservative as well.

you know, at least like amongst the teachers and whatnot, there's a lot of that. So I always thought it was funny when people are like, oh, dude, college campus is so liberal. Yeah. It's like when I would go, it's like me if I went to a Minecraft server.

Yeah. People flip out. They say, no, we can't have you on this Minecraft server. Really? Because what? Has that happened? 27,000 tweets come pouring in, kick him off. Oh, I see what we're referencing right now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I cleaned my image up. Yeah. No, you're a clean boy now. Yeah. You just, if anything, you're probably the most out there shit you say is on this podcast. Yeah, because no one fucking watches it. Yeah.

Not after this episode, bro. Here's something I want to talk to you about that I can bring up right now and I'm going to say. How the fuck are you doing this and not getting tired? Because I know what your schedule is like when we play basketball, me and my friend Hassan who play basketball, because I'll show up there at like 9 a.m.

9 15 you've already been there since like 8 30 in the morning yep when do you show up like 8 or 8 30 8 or 8 or around 8 30 if there was a period there was a period where your shit breaks made it so you were coming around the same time as me yeah um and then i was like oh this is normal i'll come at 9 now suddenly it shows up at you know 8 15 i'm like fuck i'm late but either way we play a full thing of basketball we're tired he's out of there at

at 10, he is on stream by 11. Yeah. And then you stream for eight hours and then you do it again the next day. And I'm sitting here and I play basketball with Tana. I'm tired. I'm miserable. I drive home. I'm sweating. I get to my apartment and I like go upstairs. I'm shitting for 45 minutes. I'm in the shower for 45 minutes. I'm laying in my bed being like, what am I going to do today for 45? Like, how are you doing that? Adderall?

No, it's just I run on I run on a shit ton of caffeine and nicotine. That's number one. And then number two is I'm so brainbroken. Like, I really do love talking about politics. So it's not an issue for me at all. Like, I'm so used to that schedule. As a matter of fact, like I didn't I took this day off so I could do the chuckle sandwich podcast. That's how much I care about this podcast. Yeah. Yeah. And my friend Ted.

Yes. Care about him a lot. Yes. Wanted to show up for it. Yes, dude. Yeah, you see that? You hear that? Yeah. I'm here to defend his honor. There's nothing we need to cover with that, by the way. And Tucker, you can say your theory. What? Say your theory. Oh, well, Hasan mentioned that you're wearing the Ted fit. Yeah. We kind of broke this theory the other day. Ted is in his fashion era. Oh, yeah, he is. And it kind of lined up right when you guys really started hanging out.

So I was like, wait, you know, he had the rings. I was like, I think this is just Hassan's fashion that Ted's starting to wear. He looks good. I think that's not the point. The point isn't if it's good or not. It's just where did it originate? And I don't think it originated with you at all. We've barely talked about fashion, really. It's really like I'll see you at a party. No, but what will happen is I'll see him at a party. I remember this happening. I think it was like.

it must have been like brooke's birthday party or something like that yeah and you showed up and i had a honestly pretty similar fit to this yeah uh and you showed up and you were like that's a good fit that's a good fit and i felt really good about that but it's not like i'm like looking at asana and i'm like how do i make my fit just like his son i saw him wear outfits that i would never think of nor would i have the confidence to wear uh no that's not a bad thing

It's just, I think it's different. I think that we can tell the people I entered my fashion era a little bit separately. I'm just tired of my friends looking perfectly normal and then changing into this flanderized version of themselves. Flanderized? Flanderized. Like Ned Flander? I don't know where it comes from.

uh yeah it's like uh you know like what they did to you know slime sickle yeah but i don't know what they did to him they turned him into a bimbo yeah oh really like that porno where it's like the you know that that image where the the the girl with like all the textbooks

She sees a heel on the floor. I don't think that's a porno, that's a meme. She puts... Well, I'm sure some people jerk off to it. That does. You're like, well, he's not even very porn-brained lately. He's like, anything that involves even the image of a woman is a porno.

She picks up a heel or something. That's a porno, isn't it? That's not a porno. People are jerking off to that. You're not telling me people aren't jerking off to that. People are. People. Who's people right now? That's the question. Where did it go? You look at that and you go, Yowza, that's a woman. Yeah, it's like...

The original was the opposite, but it's a woman who's studious. She's looking at her book. She's like, why am I only supposed to? She drops. She's like, bimbo time. I think the earliest version of this is like the 90s rom-com where like the girl, the secretary, like takes off her glasses and all of a sudden she's hot.

Yeah. And honestly, you could also respond to the headline here of the Michigan Daily where it says, Bimbofication is a revolutionary act. Bro, people write too much. As a revolutionary, Hasan. They got to stop writing. Would you say that that's correct? Bimbofication is a revolutionary act? I mean, I guess it's like self-acceptance, maybe. That's like probably the angle that they're going. I think society's been holding my bimbo down. Yeah. And I think it's time to get bimbode up. Yeah.

But he's aesthetic as hell. Like, he has, like... Oh, they both look good. They both are objectively good-looking. Yeah, honestly, the last two replies that Hasan has...

like he's replied to the last two stories of my apartment and both times he has said aesthetic and that's it yeah and i started i'm starting to realize the pattern yeah i mean it's true though you got like you got like cool artwork that you place in like a cool way like yeah that's the that's the type of apartment that you you go into and you're like damn this guy this guy's on pinterest you should see my place he knows he gets all his furniture ideas from me really yeah um

Well, hold on. I got one yesterday from you. And I sent you the link and you bought it without even looking at it. Well, yeah, because you did. You're like, what's that shelf that you have behind your couch? I sent it to him 10 seconds later. Bought it. Well, because I needed it for an interview. You busted out the fucking tape measure. You measured it for me. You basically did all the work for me. I did.

He really wanted me to get it. I like interior design. I don't really care as much about fashion. This is a $1.60. I like your shorts, though. Yeah, I like my shorts, but the shirt is just Gildan. This is a $1 shirt. Gildan heavyweight. Heavyweight, the 5,000 heavy cotton. When it's dirty, sometimes I'll just throw them out.

No, I respect that. I'm doing that right now. This is Amazon. Amazon? I bought this on Amazon. I don't even know what brand. It's probably like five all capital letters. It doesn't even make sense. Yeah, it's like Shagwa, but then you're like, what the fuck is this brand? I don't even know what it is. It's probably like a ripoff of like

I assume like a $300 tank top that they're making in the same factory with almost the exact same materials. Because like, how much variety can you get out of a fucking tank top? Just one of them is white label and it says it's made in Portugal instead of Vietnam. So yeah, no, I do that too, for sure.

Like, I don't think there's any need for... You just got to have some pieces that complement one another. I don't like pieces, though. That's my thing. You don't like this? This was new. This is a new thing for me this year. I mean, really. Like, since January, I started wearing the rings. I've tried with watches. I can't get into watches. I'm definitely not doing rings. Bracelets just feel strange to me. I'm not a watch guy at all. I don't really... I mean...

It's fine. Like, I get it. You're an Apple Watch guy. Yeah, I have an Apple Watch, but that's only for like fitness related reasons. I'll meticulously track the amount of calories I'm burning. The ultra. I don't know. Here's the thing, though. I don't know how accurate it is because we had a friend that was... Mountaineering. Do you know how accurate that is? Because we had a friend that was working on his car.

Yeah, so he burned like 3000 calories, but he's out of shape. So is it like skewed because of heart rate? How long did he work on the car for? I don't know. A few hours. But if like a heavy person or an out of shape person goes up the stairs and so does a light person that weighs the same or like not a light person, in shape person. One of them is out of breath. One isn't. Yeah. The person that's out of breath is most likely like they're demonstrating fatigue higher. So they're probably...

They're probably like the watch tracks it off of your heart rate. Yeah. So obviously it's not like 100%, but I just use it as like a good, like I use it as a good estimate for the most part. I don't really, I'm not like, oh, I burned a thousand calories. Now I can have a thousand calories of food or anything like that. That's how I do it. Yeah. That's not how you're supposed to do it. Oh yeah. But don't you love breaking even though? And it's like, oh, I can get a little sloppy. No, I can't. I can order Chris and Eddie's.

What is Crescent Eddie? It's a burger place. It's delicious. I bet. When was the last time you had a burger? When was the last time you had something you enjoyed? I had a, I enjoy, I enjoy food all the time. I actually recently had, I've been looking for a Japanese curry place in LA that is like as close to, yeah, as close to like Japanese curry in Japan. And I found it.

I'm a gatekeeper, though. Sorry. Sorry, Chuckle Sandwich audience. Today's episode of Chuckle Sandwich is sponsored by Acorns. Everyone sings about how the holidays are the most wonderful time of the year, myself included. But let's be honest. For many, it's the busiest time of the year, too. When life gets busy, we often put less pressing tasks on the backbone.

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We'll be right back.

advisor. New port disclosures at acorns.com slash chuckle. It's no secret that I love online shopping. And if you're anything like me, you know that there's nothing better than the ease of shopping from home, especially during the hustle and bustle of the holidays. That's why we love Blue Nile, the original online jeweler since 1999. You

Remember that year? Designed for people just like us. On BlueNile.com, you can create a bigger, more brilliant piece than you can imagine at a price you won't find anywhere else. That's because with Blue Nile's diamond price guarantee, they can meet or beat a competitor's price on a comparable diamond in most cases. They're committed to ensuring that the highest ethical standards are observed when sourcing diamonds and jewelry. Blue Nile wants everything to be perfect from the moment you start your search to years after it's on our finger.

That's why they offer a 100% satisfaction guarantee with guaranteed free shipping and returns, then guaranteed service and repairs for life. And they don't want to spoil your surprise either, so don't worry. Every Blue Nile order is insured and arrives in packaging that won't give away what's inside. In most cases, it can even be delivered overnight, just in case you want to make one more unforgettable memory in 2024. You're looking for that perfect

engagement ring for your perfect person, I recommend heading over to BlueNile.com. Right now, go to BlueNile.com and use code CHUCKLE for $50 off your purchase of $500 or more. That's $50 off with code CHUCKLE at BlueNile.com. BlueNile.com, baby. Sometimes I'll say 10 prayers and then jerk off. To lose weight? No, because like you were saying, you burn 1,000 calories and then you eat something nice.

Oh. It's like, it's like religious debt. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Don't, yeah. Oh, I see what's going on. Because you burn a thousand guys and you eat, I thought you were just saying that. Whatever the fuck. I thought you were just saying, I thought you just had a moment where you were like, we're not talking about me jerking off enough. I gotta fucking say this. No, that's what I meant. Yeah. It came out of nowhere. We were, this was relevant. Yeah, no, I get, oh, I understand the relevancy. We unpacked that

Well, it's God debt. I get it. It's God debt. Yeah, it's good. God debt. Yeah. Are you, you're not Catholic. I'm Catholic. Oh yeah. Oh, you are Catholic. This is a Catholic podcast. You don't even need to, bro, you don't even need to like,

Say prayers. I thought you just need to accept them. Yeah, I thought you just go to the priest and you're like, sorry, father. I have sinned like I jerked off. Have you guys done, do you do confessions? Yeah. I haven't done confessions in so long that I actually got denied communion at the funeral of my aunt, actually. Wait, really? So I've told this story on the podcast before, but basically it was a funeral at a Catholic church from my aunt who had died this spring.

And there was an option to go up and take communion. And I hadn't done it in a while, but I've gotten confirmed and stuff with the Catholic church. I was like, all right, man, it's getting buried and stuff. I should, I should do this as a respectful thing to do. I go up there and there's a process when you go and get communion where you say, amen, that's the process. Okay. Yeah. You go up there. That's great. Thank you. You get the bread and you say, amen. Okay.

Basically, I'm waiting in line and people are saying something. He's saying something to the priest and they're saying something back and I'm like, holy shit, I don't know what I'm actually supposed to say. And I'm like trying to listen and I'm leaning in kind of behind, I'm like getting up behind my godfather and I'm like trying to, you know, like hear what he's saying. Trying to copy his note. Guy comes up to him, he goes, the body and blood of Christ. And I say, thanks be to Jesus.

And the guy looks back at me and he's like, and I actually, I go and I try to reach, cause there's supposed to place in your hand. I go and reach for it. I reached for it. And he holds it back for me, the little piece of bread, communion bread. And he's like, have you received before? And I was like, it's been a while. And then he puts it back in the chalice and covers it with his hand. And he says, uh,

Like may the Lord be with you and I'm like, okay and I walk away and I got denied communion This guy was a piece of shit though. He was balding. He looked like he No way to speak of a priest. Well, I know but I'm just terrible there are beautiful balding people But this guy was balding in a negative way. Like it was he was balling because he had sinned or something

And he was like evil looking and he was like... He was like egotistical about the fact that he was a priest. Like he was like, I'm gonna... This is my show. They didn't even... Also, it was... We wanted to do two eulogies. He only let us do one because of like for time. And it was like...

Like, our family member's dead. It says if you're denied communion in the Catholic Church, it may be because you are not in a state of grace or because you have committed a serious sin. Attach the Google AI overview. Wait a minute. Is this grave sin or excommunication? Okay, he's not a clairvoyant. It's not like he looked into my eyes.

and saw me kill a kid. He saw you watching Kimmy Granger. I just didn't say the password. I just didn't say the right password. Amen. It feels like the most popular word at the entire service. Okay, listen, man. I thought it was a little bit more complicated because then they've got other monologues you've got to say. Wait, can you go back to that previous one?

There was something I wanted to read there. It is a penalty imposed for very serious matters such as apostasy, desecrating the Eucharist. I'm not shitting on the Eucharist. Did you desecrate the Eucharist? No, I didn't. I'm not. Basically. I'm not. No. No feces on the Eucharist. You basically did by trying to accept it when you were unfit. Listen. Okay. It's...

have not confessed. Like if you haven't gone to confession in a while, which is when you get in that little box with them. If you miss Easter...

You don't go to Mass on Easter or Christmas. I think those are the two you have to be there for. It might just be Easter. It might just be Easter. But yes, I go. I'll go to service on the big ones, the big two. Yeah, the big two. Easter and Christmas. I'll get my palms. I'll get the little like the soot. He's keeping up the date. But if you don't go to there, if you miss those, that's a big thing. That's a big thing to miss. When I get rich, I'm going to buy that church and I'm going to put a Chuck E. Cheese where it is.

oh well i'm gonna break that's not a funny thing to say dude you're getting yeah you're now i get why you got denied communion what are you the amazing atheist that's i'm not i'm not i'm not i'm the amazing agnostic that wants to build up the chucky cheese brand there's still 600 chucky cheeses in the united states i have not seen one in a very long time i don't know there must be a state where they're just

hoarding all of them or something it's gotta be it's gotta be the the five burn the burner states yeah the burner states like the ones that have the nuclear silos so they just you think that there's 600 checkers out the code yeah they just they have it in the in the five states that are the uh the the nuclear silos that are considered the nuclear sponge imagine living in fucking montana and then you see a tiktok where the guy's like hey by the way the american government considers you to be a sponge for nukes that's why we put the silos there so they don't get

So that like the big city centers don't get hit. I mean, if you, if it makes sense. No, I get it. Yeah. It's like Wyoming, Montana, Colorado, I think. And then two other states that I don't even fucking remember. They get their two senators, but they also get their nukes. Yeah.

Yeah, you're just sitting there like, oh, I love going to Chuck E. Cheese. Why are there like eight Chuck E. Cheeses in the same mall? Nukes? In my backyard? They're still running on floppy disks. You got to type in 4-8-15-16-23-42 every hour. Yeah. But I guess if they launch...

But yeah, I guess I'm a bit of a sinner or whatever, but you know. At least you're not gonna get fuckin' nuked. I still think that I choose to live my life in an honorable way, so if there was a spirit or some sort of higher entity out there, I think I would be treated somewhat favorably. I think I try to do best in my life. Were you raised religious in any shape or form? No.

Wikipedia said you were raised Muslim. We looked at your page. Yeah, I am. But like not Muslim in the same way that he's Catholic. You know what I mean? Okay. Which denomination of Islam? Sunni.

Yeah. Most Turks. Which one is that? Is that the uncle or the son? It's I think it's the son. I don't know. I don't even know. Because the whole thing is when Muhammad died, there was like two sex that broke off. One was like the son or like grandson or something of Muhammad. And the other was like the uncle or brother or something of Muhammad. That's the Shias. Yeah. But I don't even know. But it's just.

That's the majority of Turks for the most part are Sunni Muslims. Okay. Yeah. Gotcha. I liked how you said that. What? Sunni? Sunni. Yeah. That's how you say it? So how do you say your name accurately? Hassan Doğan Piker.

Hassan? No, no ha. Hassan. Hassan. Doan. Doan. Piker. Piker. I've never cared. Like, I know no one's going to say it right, so it doesn't really matter to me. Hassan Piker.

i feel like piquer is yeah piquer is not like an incredibly difficult last name to say no it's not it's it it's also one that my grandfather chose because it was like a certain revolution that's what people would end up saying i think the og last name is but that's like a very common last name he's like son of bikir uh and and who is bikir

I don't know. Some guy. I think the Arabic won't pronounce it. Oh, I'm good. Thank you. No, you're not. I drove. A little bit. You're going to be here for like three more hours, man. Yeah, the Benedictine. Drink from the chalice of truth. This is the fountain of youth right here. That actually doesn't taste bad at all. Oh, yeah. It's my favorite. It's my favorite neat, dude. Very good. Yeah, it's his apple juice. I get that. Yeah. But yeah, I think the Arabic version of it is bakr.

And then like Abu. Yeah, exactly I'm a bucket I'll bug daddy Take offense to that

You know why I think of it, though? I think of it, I think of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi because of the Shmoyoho songify the news where there's the part where they go, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.

Okay, that's- now I'm taking it back. You're not helping. I do take offense to that. You're not helping. No, because it's just news segments that they're, like, that they're using Melodyne. You don't like- you don't appreciate what- I'm just fucking around. Well, you're stressing me out as my basketball buddy. Yeah, I'm trying. I'm trying to defend you, Ted. I know you are, and I'm just talking about- singing about Ob- Terrible. Yeah. How long are you out here for, Slatt? Until we film with-

And then I leave. Oh, nice. Okay. When is this episode going to come out? We don't know what the order of these episodes are going to be. Okay. We're thinking at least four weeks now. Yeah, so the podcast is going to end after this. Oh, really? Yeah. I'm retiring. Busy schedule you got. Why are you retiring? Because I spend too much time on this.

It's such a funny. And I'm tired. Where we are some of the most like we're some of the most privileged people on the fucking planet, dude. It's crazy. I think about that a lot where I'm like, we're so goddamn lucky. I have been interested in what he means when he says that he's going to retire. You're 25. Yeah. You just started. You just finished cooking. Cooking? Yeah, your brain. Like you just grew up. I want to try something new.

Yeah? What do you- What do you- Oh yeah, what does that mean? What are you gonna try? I don't know. I'm gonna figure it out. Yeah? Like, I don't know, like what? Like polo? Like the horse riding game? Maybe tennis.

Okay, tennis. Maybe SSX Tricky. You have been trying that. You ever played that game? No. You ever have a GameCube growing up? No, I did not. Oh, well, if you're looking to know how quality a GameCube was, you can check out Tucker Keane's new video, The Everlasting Charm of the GameCube, which is probably an older video now. Tucker might even have a new video out after that at this point, but...

He just finished his second video ever on YouTube. Congratulations. Thanks. Can you say that? Wait, can you do that again, but act like you care?

Congratulations! There you go, thank you. Oh my god. I appreciate that. I appreciate that. That was fantastic. I get it authentically. Yeah, was that good? Yeah, no, that was good. I'm a professional. Okay, you can cut that, you can fucking slap on whatever you want, I got it. Yeah, put like one of those, like that kawaii, like, meow! I'll put TikTok sound. The good cut, and I'll put that as a short, and that'll be my advertisement right there. Oh, there you go. Hell yeah, there it is. Yeah.

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McCain's Sure Crisp Fries. Go the distance. See how far our fries can take your business at surecrisp.com slash delivery. Dude, I think, honestly, we fucked up. Like, if I had the opportunity to go back in time and, like, use a...

Alternate name and maybe not even show my face. I'll probably do it really you'd be a faceless youtuber or potentially Yeah, would you be a V tuber? I guess like I could do a V tuber style political commentary That'd be real unique you'd make way less money though really vtubers make a lot of money I feel like there's recent evidence to show that vtubers can be very successful. Yeah Iron Mouse Iron Mouse just passed the most subscribed channel is gonna take a fucking cartoon talking about well. That's a person

Well, if you're talking about politics, what, are you going to have a fucking VTuber on Tucker Carlson tonight? Dude, yeah, no, imagine you're in one of those rectangles on one of the news networks just like. Bro, I think the fact that they invited me to the DNC or did like a documentary where I was featured on CNN alone is insane. I'm a freaking Twitch streamer. Who the fuck knows about what that is? You know what I mean?

So maybe I could do that for V tubing. I don't know. I would argue that like, you know, maybe that's an online space. Like, isn't it like YouTube is like one of the top streaming platforms now, like in terms of like actual, uh, space in the, in the, in the streaming space overall, like YouTube has like a sizable chunk. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I feel like, I feel like as the years go on, our jobs are going to become like, we're so used to saying that like, we're, we're like,

F-tier celebrities or whatever, but the people that probably come after us are probably gonna have way more sort of pull than, I mean, TV networks will be dead. Yeah. It'll be, it'll be like a whole different ballgame, you know? You, both of you are now old. Like, you're kind of old now. And I get noticed way more than I want to. Yeah. Outside. Yeah. You know? Which is zero times. Should have never done that face reveal. I'm glad I did because I think I was reaching the end of my schtick.

being a voice playing Minecraft. I think it opened a lot of doors, but... Oh yeah, the amount of stuff that you've done since you faced was real has been huge. Yeah, and I've kept these on my face for years and years and years, so when I retire soon and I...

shave them off are you gonna shave them off when you retire then i'll be unrecognizable and i can walk around freely brilliant yeah it's smart are you actually gonna shave them off when you retire oh yeah yeah they're coming off yeah no one will notice you because you're so uh unnoticeable as a presence exactly that's gonna be like that's just a six foot five dude yeah just like anybody else dude i can't imagine what it's gonna be like you better send me a photo when you shave them off i'll be gone man

What do you mean? I'll delete my Discord account. I mean, it's, it's, I'm logging off pretty much for good. I don't believe that. Why? Well, you're not going to talk to me anymore after you retire? No. I don't believe that either. This is such a fucking insane fucking cold thing to say. What's insane? Because we're friends. We're colleagues. Oh my God. That's, that hurts. That hurts. Is this crazy?

That's a bit crazy. What's crazy about it? We work together. Most of our time is spent together working. We disqualify as his colleagues. He bought your furniture that you suggested. That's not colleague behavior. That's friend behavior. Yeah. That was a business expense. What about PUBG? What about PUBG? What about PUBG? We played it once. That's because that's how we could get you in. When you're retired, you'll have a lot of free time. That's true. I will have a lot. DayZ. Yeah.

I will need people to play DayZ with. But we'll have to like, we'll do some role play where we meet each other new and like you don't know. You pretend like you don't know who I am. So you want to re-meet me? Like you'll call me by my government name and like. Okay. What happened? Why? I mean, I get it. I get why you want to do some other shit, but I just doubt that you're going to quit cold turkey. No, I think my retirement looks like me streaming DayZ.

And uh... Are you gonna pull an Inja? You're gonna pull an Inja. Doing my Call of Duty commentary channel. Here's what I think it is. Can I say what my theory is? What? Is it's less of a retirement and more of a release from his feeling. Like it's a release from a certain feeling that Schlatt is dealing with right now, which is that he has to do what works as opposed to what he wants.

So he's so in him making this retirement thing, it's like he is breaking his chains. You know, it's like that chain breaking image, you know?

would you say that that's generally accurate yeah but i'll still be reacting oh yeah oh thank god i gotta pay the bills yeah no i was that's why i was saying you're not gonna stop no i was also asking for my sanity you know what i mean i was like is he still gonna look at people's rooms and review them tick tocks and first tick tock yeah what could you do without those yeah yeah but like stuff like this where it's like a recurring project like chuckle sandwich

is not something that is, I don't think that you're interested in. It's not like a lot, yeah, it's not like my long-term plan. Yeah, yeah, it's not like we're, I don't think, there wasn't anything that went wrong with the chocolate sandwich or anything. No. Okay, why are you guys talking about it like something, I feel like, I feel like a divorce is happening, my mom and dad are divorcing, I'm at the fucking dinner table. It's not like something really bad happened and then, like, it can't be solved at all. I mean, it's not like something so, so horrible, so tragic, so, uh. Was I responsible? I'm sorry.

No, it's okay. I mean, what about 10-10? We go way back. Like, there's no bad blood here. I taught you how to jerk off. Yeah, he did. He taught me how to jerk off. And we both came at the same time like the Disney intro. You came a little before. That's why the fireworks come off a different way. But I will say that first part probably sent me over the edge. Yeah.

That was just making out dude, this is much more than Challengers. Yeah. And there was no chick. Oh fuck. There was no chick. Just straight, just straight up gay shit. Yeah. I respect it. No, discovery. Okay. Discovery. And what about you? What about me? What do you think you would retire? I'm not retiring, I'm fucking dying on camera. Probably. That's crazy. Yeah. Like Larry King, he didn't really die on camera but we used to joke about that. He's still alive, isn't he?

No, he's dead. He died recently. He died like a couple years ago. Larry King is dead? Yeah, me and my uncle used to- Wait, he's dad? He's the king of Larry David. Wait, he died in 2021? He died a couple years ago. I swear to God he was still doing his little podcast. He fucking loved it, dude. He lived for it. I mean, this motherfucker was like on Roku by the end of his career. On Roku? I don't know what he was on, but you know what I mean? He was on Queeby or some shit. Yeah.

Dude, just give it up. You have like a gorillion dollars. Guys, I'm just finding out that Larry King has been- Bro, look at his spouses! Yo! Ayo! Trita Miller, Emmett Kaye, Aline Atkins. Wait, Mickey? Two different times they got married. Mickey Sutphin. Did he switch it up? Sharon Lepore, Julie Alexander, Sean Southwick.

Wait, Sean? You turned gay right at the end. It could be a woman, Sean. Who knows? Let's not assume the gender. That's old school. Back in the day. Look up Sean Southwick, okay? That was a long time. That's 20 years. Back in the day, women used to be named like men names. Oh.

That's some old shit. I told you. Damn, she's a... Yowza. Yowza. She dead too? No, she's 64. Nah, she's fucking living good right now. She's living la vida loca with the fucking Larry King. She's the one who landed on the... They divorced. No! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Two years before he died. She really missed out. He's got five children. Yeah, she could have held off for two extra years. Well, they were married for 20 years.

though. Married in 1997, separated in 2019. Dude. Oh, he died from COVID. He married and divorced this chick twice. Yeah. They tried it for two years and then they tried it for five years. Make it work. Dude, that's a lot of people to take half your money over and over again. He just kept running into it. He seems like the kind of guy to make it, get a, you know, get a prenup. Yeah, he seems like a prenup kind of guy. After the third one. He's like, hmm.

Bro, that's so many marriages. Like at a certain point, you gotta be like, all right, this is not working out. Man, can you imagine being active from, Shalak, can you imagine being active from 1957 to 2021? I haven't been active one year in my life.

He's got too much jerk off that dude. He's gotta praise God. But yeah, he just like, he really loved it. You know, that was his whole thing. He's just like, I don't give a fuck where you put me. Put a camera in front of me and I will chirp. And is that not kind of like the same sort of thought process that maybe like, I don't know, like...

Joe Biden had? Yeah. He probably just loves it. Yeah. He loves it so much. He really does. Those are the two things. He loves being president in Israel. Those are the two things that he loves the most. And my God, he's going to do it.

He's gonna do both. I just can't imagine being a politician like that. Like to be... I feel like in terms of content or like the online space, you're probably the closest thing to being a politician. I'm sorry to say. Yeah, I guess. In case that upsets you. Well, because I feel like a big part of the politician is like, as opposed to like someone who's just like mainly in entertainment, is that like you are like really putting yourself...

To like opening yourself up to like the full vitriol of like the human condition like people hate like people will take their life Position and where they are in their life and they will be like this is your fault. Yeah, you know No, you're absolutely right and in some ways I feel like people do that even more would like twitch streaming which is funny cuz like I

I play no role in anybody's life. I'm not legislating, but because they can't actually reach the politician, well, you can reach me by just like waiting 10 minutes after following me in my chat.

So they unload everything onto me as though I'm the one responsible for it. Yeah. So yeah, you're not wrong. They do do that a lot. And I'll just catch strays randomly from random fucking people who are just like, fuck this guy. Yeah. It feels like the most unreasonable way to go to try to make money. Like people who go into politics to like, you know,

You get super... Nancy Pelosi's making some good trades recently. Well, I know, but like the trades and stuff. Not even recently. But it's like, I don't know, that seems like a bit of a stressful way to try to make money, you know? I think the money comes after. I think the love of the game starts it. You think so? No, I think a lot of these people are freaks, like straight up. Like, I think they're just like gross little cretins that are like, I love power.

Oh, I love having it. And then they just like, like they got bullied in high school and it's like, wait till I take away your rights. Yeah. I, I don't like, I don't think that any of them, I mean, some of them maybe got in it for the love of the game and then very quickly they find out like, Oh no, this is going to work. I got a taste of this power and I like it. But, um, yeah, no, I, I think that they're mostly gross little freaks. Oh, I hate them.

A lot of, most of them. Who's your favorite politician? Andrew Yang? No, fuck that guy. I mean, he's also, he's also a loser. You know what I mean? Why? Has he been on Chuckle Week or something? What the fuck? He follows me on Twitter. Yeah, he follows me too, yeah. Yeah, I'm, whatever. Look up Andrew Yang chicken soup. He probably follows, like, he's probably one of those follow for follow guys, though. Yeah. He probably has, like, thousands of people that he follows. Yeah, like, uh. Why do you, see, this is what I mean. Bad instinct. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Bad instincts, dog. Why you post that? That's why he lost the mayoral race in New York. That's some chunky chicken soup, too. There's three forks in it.

I mean, when you look at the amount of chicken in there, you do need to- He definitely put that chicken in there and was like, "Shit, I gotta shred this up." So he's got a couple- WAIT! THERE'S MY MINECRAFT SKIN! Wait, what? The love life of Jay Shlat, Andrew Yang, and a bowl of chicken? What the fuck is this? Is this a video essay?

Wow. How many episodes is this person doing to me? When did they stop when they realized that the algo was not picking it up, I suspect. Generic leftist variety YouTuber. Yeah, there's a lot of posting here. Wait, she said, why I left the left. Hold up. Oh, no, they didn't leave left. They're talking about how you can support Palestine. Wait, Google, put in the search bar, Hassan. I want to see if... On YouTube or Google? No, no, no, on the search bar of the channel. On the search bar of their channel.

Wait. Nah. It doesn't look like it. It doesn't look like it. Never mind. Sorry, man. You occupy the space in more meaningful ways than I do. How do you feel about being a political content creator? You know, and here's the thing. I think I got a taste of the power, and I...

When we did our socialism versus communism debate. Like that, for example, or generally just like, I guess, the power of being a YouTuber or someone with millions and millions of subscribers. Okay, flex. Like walking around, the only thing I experience from it is just it's negative and I don't enjoy any of the baggage that comes along with it. And I think that the sooner I can go back to being like a

Like just a guy that could walk around New York City without feeling like people's eyes are locking on to me and who's going to come up to me and be weird and poorly socially adjusted to me today. You know what you should do? You should just start kissing those people.

No, that would make things a lot worse for me. People would be like, "Don't look at him, he's gonna kiss you." That'd make things a lot worse for me. Make it be like a bad kiss, like a hard kiss, nothing sloppy. I don't think his concern was he's gonna kiss him too good. Like go like this, tighten your lips, tighten your lips and just... And then just kinda headbutt him, but call it a kiss.

I like where he's going with this. Have you tried? Have you tried that? Have you thought about assaulting your fans? Just think about it, dude. And maybe sexually as well. Nobody ever listens to my ideas on this podcast. I don't think I've thought about doing anything with my fans. It's so frustrating. Nobody ever listens to my good ideas. I think the saddest way to go out as a YouTuber...

or any kind of public figure. - I just feel like it's a really good idea for you to try to kiss all your fans. - It's just like trying to cling on to the life, like suck every last drop out of the hype you have until it slowly burns out. And it's like, when it comes to something like Chuckle Sandwich, we fucking did it. It's been four years. - Yeah, we have done this a long time. - It's only downhill from here after this, so let's just end it in a good spot. - Cool. - Yeah.

Yeah. And there's nothing wrong. Like I said, I taught Ted how to jerk off. And like, there's no bad blood between us and what? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Don't worry about it. Nothing at all. I'm just saying that after you're done with all this, you can just like hang out. You can just take it easy. We're still going to be buddies. And I don't think it's going to be. I think I'm honestly. I have a suggestion. Okay. Okay. Are you ready for this? Uh-huh.

have you thought about wearing jewelry oh now that is a great question for him that i've been trying to get me to try that put that shit on for a second london put that on does that make you feel this one doesn't fit that's gonna stay on forever yeah no it's a pinky ring no i don't think this is like i don't think this is me you know all right this one on okay i have another question follow-up question

What if I were to present you with an opportunity to play basketball? No. At 8 a.m. In Los Angeles? Every morning? Los Angeles. On certain days of the week, you play basketball. And throughout that journey, you find yourself. You find yourself in love with the sport. You find yourself to be a new man. You know, you start getting more physically fit. You start maybe wearing clothes that...

uh you you really start are you dunking on my fucking gildan five thousand no absolutely not no it's fire i'm just saying that like um okay that was a that was a little disrespectful the way i said i'm sorry you tossed that you really hate the rings bro he does he does there was a period of chuckle where i was when i was adding more more and more to my fingers on his fingers no chain mail basically but i had there was a period where i had like i was going like one two

like three one two crazy like three i was like i was like six seven sometimes rings on my fingies everyone goes through that phase i think yeah and then you realize you go a little overboard with it and then you gotta dial it back exactly like porn addiction yeah yeah you brought up porn quite a bit before we started you were literally watching porn back there

behind the television screen. I was showing Austin this video where the acting was absolutely electric. To refer to a porn video as being absolutely electric is like... It was before the porn even started! And you... Well... Tucker, look this up for me.

No, we've talked about this. We're putting an embargo on your porn lookup. There's no more porn. So you brought up, that was my first introduction to this week of Chuck a Week. And then after that, you brought up the fact that you jerk off, but then you say 10 Hail Marys or whatever. No, I say the prayers first. Oh, you say the prayers first. Forgive me for what I am about to do. Yeah, I'm beginning to recognize there's a trend here with respect to how much porn consumption is going on in your life.

I think my retirement... Yeah. You're like, I... It's going to be a beautiful retirement. Okay, so look. All I can think about is YouTube. Whether it's, you know, whether it's making reaction videos. And now all you want to think about is you porn. Or making really, like, well-acted, high-energy videos where the girl is, like...

She looks really happy and wants to be there. Okay. Oh, so you want to make porn? No, I want to make Call of Duty commentaries and play DayZ on stream and stuff. I think that's, like, I would want that to be going through my head in this sort of proto-retirement. Do you feel as though you want to be where the people you used to watch are now? Ninja.

No, I mean like the people like. You know, like sea nanners and the sark and stuff. Is that like sort of like in terms of the lifestyle they live of like this sort of like the peak has passed and now they've settled into this comfortable zone. Yeah. What do they do? You want to be in the valley of peace? I think it is more peaceful. It's less stress, which is something I have terribly high blood pressure. I'm not healthy. You think that you have high blood pressure because you're stressed? That certainly adds to it. Yeah.

I have it because of my ADHD medicine. Okay, another suggestion. Hear me out. 8 a.m. in the mornings, where you go out and you play basketball. I'm not fucking playing basketball with you in Los Angeles. You're too tall for no fucking good reason, Schlapp. Oh, come on, man. I was a baseball player. You know, Schlapp. I was a pitcher. I was a first baseman. With our schedule, we could technically make it. I'm not playing basketball with you. Would you at least just come and watch? No. I'm sensing a lot of...

dare I say, hostility towards this otherwise very good idea. This is my least favorite place in the world, man. Yeah? Yeah. I mean, I understand. I'd rather be asleep than playing basketball. Tucker's interested in playing basketball. Hell yeah, let's go. I think I just got forced into it. Okay, I like that. We'll get Jay Schlatt on, too. You always call me that. You always call me that. My full government name. You played soccer one time on a stream.

Did I? Yeah, I did. They made me do that. Was he good? He was great.

It was fast. I was violent. He was violent. Violent. That's what I want to see. I want to see the intensity. No, but I'm tired now. That's my thing. You're fucking 25. I'm tired, dude. I'm tired. I was shot. And you should see Hasan out there. He argues with everyone. Anytime something doesn't go his way on the court, he's like, I got fucking fouled. Oh, you totally fouled me, dude. That was such a freaking foul. I didn't realize where slander was on the menu. Oh, no, trust me. Who's the other guy we played with last night?

The kid? Is that who you're talking about? No, not the kid. The one time? No, no, the writer. Oh, yeah. He's, yeah, I mean, I'm not going to leak his information or anything. Yeah, but he's a director, writer guy. He usually, whenever you complain, and you're not looking, he'll look at me and be like,

Yeah, it's 'cause I cook 'em. No, no, no, 'cause, yeah, 'cause, 'cause, it'll be, there was, like, this one time that someone was, like, coming around, and I was just standing there, and then he, and he was like, "You're not allowed to do a, like, illegal pic like that," and I was like, "I didn't even know you were coming," and you're just making shit up, you're making new rules out of nowhere. It's 'cause I bet that he uses his actual debating skills in the arguments. He does. He does. No, you're, you're on a, you were on an educational journey, you did a moving screen, I was, you could do it in the future if you want. No, I didn't do it. I wasn't trying to, okay.

- You can do it in the future if you want. - I was not there with my hands, I played basketball for like five years. I know what a moving screen is. I was not, I was boxing someone else out and you were trying to get by.

See, look at this. Look at this. You can tell he's got a passion for the game of basketball, but it's like he'll get really intense, but then he'll forget about it a day later. It never happened. Yeah, very much so. It's like when you enter the court, it's like a different zone. Yeah. Or like the Simpsons dome from the Simpsons movie. For me, basketball...

Or any kind of physical activity, it plays that role, though. Like, I get to reset, you know what I mean? I just don't think about anything else. I'm just working out. And so, is that how politics are to you? Is politics just another game of basketball? Maybe. I never thought about it like that. Interesting. No, I mean, it's just, I do greatly enjoy covering politics. It's just it. It's fucked up. Maybe...

I wish I had Schlatt's interest in reacting to creepypasta TikTok videos. But you do. You do a good job at watching shit. You do a lot of reactions. You've reacted to some of my stuff.

- Well, I don't necessarily have enough time nowadays to do that, but like that was good, man. - My schedule's opening up soon. How about this? We switch our reaction content. - You do politics, I do. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll send you like a batch of a hundred funny TikToks and then you watch it and then I post it to my channel.

i do i do need that and then you give me your stream key and i'll go live and like do whatever the amount of havoc that you could you could do while being live on his stream key is uh that's a lot yeah that's a lot yeah we just but you do it in a straight face like you're literally like this is the official sanctioned hasan i broadcast coming to you live from new york

i'm gonna you know and then and just go off on whatever you want to do you gotta have like a you gotta have like a bunch of tabs open you gotta have at least 50 tabs open to different news articles you gotta have them all loaded up too we we do already have a shared interest in 9-11 why do you think i'm interested in that i just wanted to pause on it

So Hasan, I don't know if you know this, but as a native New Yorker, that's a... As a story subject, I know. A little bit. A little bit. And if I remember correctly, you said that, should I deserve that? You did? You said that? Did he say that?

Can we look this up? Josh, wait, can you bring that up? Why do you think that's like an interest of mine, 9-11? If it comes up in the TikToks, it upsets me. Yeah. We all have our hyper fixations, you know?

Tucker, Google Hasan. America deserved 9/11 dude. Did you know I said that? Yeah, no, that's all we needed to hear Tucker right there. That's it. Lock it in. Lock it in. No need for expansion. Fuck yourself with that dude's eye. Well, that's just a villain. He's a war veteran. Don't hear about- don't- Don't keep playing the video. What did we do to deserve it? What did my dad do and my uncle?

You know my uncle was a first responder firefighter for the FDNY. Is he still alive? Yes, thank God. That's good. I'm happy. He might not be soon because he worked on the pile for months after. You know they called it the pile? Is that what they called it? They called it the pile. That's where the buildings fell.

The pile of rubble and bodies and airplane parts? Now we're definitely getting on the news. What are you laughing about? No, nothing. I'm not. Tucker, is this funny? No, dude. 1.8 million tons of wreckage left from the collapse of the World Trade Center. That's a lot of... I would never find humor in this. There's nothing funny about it. No, I agree.

2,997 people lost their lives that day. Actually? Yes. Like down to the... I thought it was in the 3,000s. No, no, it is 2,000 something, but it's close to 3,000. How many? There were just three shy of 3,000. That's crazy. Jeez, that was 100%. Damn. See? Hyper fixation. I was right. Damn. Did they count the people that hijacked it in this number? Yeah.

They always do that. They do that with like school shootings too, they'll be like five dead and it's like well the guy that did it also. Well no, it says that 2,977 is not including the 19 hijackers. No way! Wait, what the fuck if they include the hijackers it's 3,000 plus. No it's not. Oh no it's not, you're right. Fuck. It's too shy. I thought it was, yeah. That's crazy. Poor shy. Okay, bunch of fucking math wizards in here, my bad, okay? Jesus Christ. That's a lot, I mean that's crazy.

Yeah. Yeah. 9-11 was pretty crazy. Yeah, 9-11, though. Yeah. My mom sent this to me a couple weeks ago on the day. Oh. On the day? This is what the text said, Hassan. In 2001, she sent you a text? No, on the anniversary. Oh. My dad has gone 28 years today. Hard to believe that in 23 years since 9-11. You were at your two-year-old checkup that day.

Still remember having you in the car and listening on tech. What? What? What, dude? I'm just listening. What? Oh, you're chuckling now. Have some respect.

Still remember having you- He's still laughing. You see that? He's still laughing. You guys are funny people. It's kind of fucked up, dude. I'm not gonna lie. Oh, well, you can't speak. What? I'm- Still remember you- Saying he deserved that? I was not dancing on the rooftops of New Jersey. You were dancing on the rooftops of New Jersey? Fox News, you can run that. This is what people keep saying. Trump said it, too. It's kind of fucked up. Still remember having you in the car and listening on 1010 Winds as the towers collapsing as we drove.

I was crying. You made his mom cry. Dad was in the city. I didn't do 9-11. You made his mom cry. I really didn't know what to do. Remember that like it was yesterday. Wow. And then I didn't respond.

This is the second time I've been ambushed. This is the second time I've been ambushed. You didn't respond to that text! That was awkward! What was I supposed to say to that? What's your story? Just say "love you mom" or something. Just throw out something. No, his follow up is like a week later. He was like "hey uh, I forgot to get groceries or some shit."

You got to put a pause on that. The next day, hello? You say, okay, can I have $20? Do your parents do this as well? Like my mom, I think it's like a generational thing, but like they just don't know how to text. Kind of like that text message almost where it'll be like, I need to talk to you right now, period. And I'm like, and immediately like,

And immediately I think like there's a massive emergency happening. Please call me back. Period. What? What's going on? I just wanted to talk to you and say hello. I just wanted to hear my son's voice. My uncle, do you have anyone in your family who uses dot dot dots to separate thoughts? Yes. Do you know why that is? Because that's the OG, that's the correct way to use ellipses. Here's a piece of knowledge. Texts used to cost 25 cents each. Yeah. So you'd, or 10 cents each on Verizon or whatever fucking...

Service they had so yeah, just bunch up the thoughts in one text. Yeah, and my uncle still texts like that sends like ten different thoughts Separated only by ellipses. Yeah, it's no if it's that no no I think it is that yeah, totally that it's like our generation We text like we will just like hit send hit send hit send hit send to separate like even words sometimes Wow

I'm on text pretty normally now, but I definitely think it was because they just wanted to emphasize their pauses. I think that they were like, "Saw Paula today."

Her son Alex is doing well. Why is she trying to be ambiguous or mysterious about... Like, that's what I read. That's just how they talk. That's just how that generation speaks. I don't think that... I don't know if they know how it's read. I have to pee, by the way. That's, like, not a joke. Should we just... What? Should we just end it here? You just want the podcast to be over? No, I just need to pee. I want to come back. Let him go. We can't end it on a 9-11 note like that. Okay, we'll let you pee then.

Okay, I didn't want to take my shirt off on the, when it was cut. Okay, here it comes. No, continuity purposes, you know? Yeah, of course. There it is.

There it is. Wow. I have yet to figure out a sexy way to take it off. I feel like people do it and then they look hot while they're doing it. There's one that I'll never do, but you grab it. Yeah. Like that's fake. No one I've never in my life thought about taking my clothes off like that. It's just a sexy thing. I do that.

You're only at that point if you're doing it like that, you're only wearing the shirt. Well, I do that because I feel like it's the it's the best way to do it without like stretching the collar of the shirt. Get the fuck out of here. No way. You just want to look fuckable. I do it by myself. I'm doing it by myself. Imagine practicing that. I'm like doing that by myself. I'm like, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I feel good. I feel like if you yeah if you have to practice because the first time you try to do it with like with a lady friend you're gonna Fuck up if you fuck up. It's gonna be you're not getting pussy He doesn't even know how to take off a fucking shirt. What the fuck is this you lame ass get stuck on your head you're like And then your arms are stuck and then you fall that would be terrible um speaking of 9/11

Okay. Last time I was on a podcast with a friend, I got ambushed by his mom. Oh. Also about 9-11. Shouts out to Jeff Wittek. I did his podcast and he grilled me. His barbershop thing where he cuts your hair? No, that was a separate one. I've done that as well. That would have been more worrisome. Jeff FM is his podcast. Yeah. Okay. That would have been a little bit more worrisome if he...

If he had his mom calling with it as a razor to my fucking neck. Yeah, especially if you're in the barbershop part where they start doing the- the- the hot shave. Yeah. His guy, uh, his- his, uh, second in command showed me his micro penis. Oh. That was fun. How micro was it? It was very micro. I don't think that- it's just micro, you know? Like what- what- what is micro? Is it like that? Like my- half my thumb? Yeah. What? Really? Yeah, it's crazy. Surely he's a grower. Like that?

To what? To like a normal flaccid penis size? Well, flaccid, yeah, I mean, that's the thing. You never really get a sense for the peak. I don't think there was much more out there. Anyway. I've never seen an erect penis in real life, like in person. Yeah? The second time this is coming up. You look away? No, I just, I don't think I've ever been in a... You've never seen your own? Oh, I've seen mine. Like, I'm talking about any one else's. Oh, you're saying in real life? In real life. Wait a minute. Yeah.

have you not either i guess yeah no in real life in person i've never ever seen another man's around i don't think i've ever seen it yeah i've never seen an iraq one yeah and i've been to an orgy

I didn't actually participate. What was happening there? You were just watching? I didn't participate because I didn't know it was going to be an orgy. It was in the Hamptons. My friend is from there, straight up. Grew up in Montauk. Oh, yeah. And he was like, oh, there's a party happening tonight. Let's go. And I was like, sure, why not? I was just visiting him. I think it was Labor Day weekend. I'm looking at you because you know this stuff. It's New York. You know about the New York orgies?

Yeah, so I didn't realize it was gonna be like that. And then people are just like getting in the pool and stuff. And it was like one of these houses where they had like literally... It was like a rich person's house where like all of the fucking fridge is stocked completely. And they even had like baskets separately for like bathing suits. And like neatly arranged towels and shit. Like they had thought about all this. And I didn't think much of it at first. But then I saw people like changing clothes.

And then going in the pool and then it got like, people started making out and stuff. And I was like, all right, it's time to leave. Yeah. Yeah. This is not my, this is not my speed, especially because like, I've talked about this before, but you think it's going to be like eyes wide shut. Like it's like all models and like cool camera angles and lighting is perfect is not.

just a bunch of ugly fat bitches there's just yeah it's not it's not like as hot as you would picture it yeah you got to go up to the north fork for the hot ones yeah yeah riverhead i don't know you know i guess uh puconic bay boulevard but my point is i didn't even see a wreck penis there now that i think about it really

I see that's surprising to me. I've seen flaccid penises like quite a bit, but I've never seen an erect one. I've actually never thought about that. Well, man, Hasan, it was so great to have you here. Is this everything you dreamed it would be? Everything and more. Really? Yeah. Was there anything that surprised you? What was your rose and thorn? My rose and thorn? I mean, the vibes are a little off. I'll say that. What? What?

But I but I feel like you know why the vibes off the vibes were a little off and it made me feel like it's deliberate So I could tell when they shifted. Yeah you

I didn't bring up, did I bring up 9-11? Oh, fuck. You brought it up. We were talking about basketball before that. Yeah, we were talking about basketball and then you were like, well, I don't think we're talking about 9-11 enough. The thing that America deserved. Yeah. No, the vibes were off before that. Why'd you put some stink on it? I said it correctly. Yeah, but no, the vibes were a little off even before then, but I think that's like deliberate.

That's by design. That's what it felt like. It's all by design over here. Yeah, that's what I... This hot sweaty room? This hot sweaty room? This is meant to make you feel on edge. That was my design right there. I wanted that shirt off. Yeah, so you'll start saying something you regret. But this is going to be good for viewer attention. Well, I don't know. Maybe it's time we retire it. Surely not. Surely not. We need to know the information.

hassan would you rather have unlimited bacon but no more video games or games unlimited games but no games unlimited games but no games which would you rather have unlimited unlimited games but no games is the second part of that question okay that's on we're already on this podcast you've been asking for a while come on if we're going to ask you one little final question i just would expect that you would answer don't you do debates being crystal clear with you right now

Which would you rather have? Just choose one. Aren't you the best at having opinions? Can you ask the question again? Sure. Yeah, it's fine. I thought it was pretty crystal. I thought it was crystal clear. Hassan, would you rather have games, unlimited games, unlimited... Wait, see, I'm rusty. Now I'm fucking it up.

Unlimited bacon. Unlimited bacon. You got it. You got it. Assam, would you rather have unlimited bacon, but no more video games, or games, unlimited games, but no games? See, what is this? I don't know what the problem is. What is this that you're doing here? See, the question is a little bit confusing. Give me the raid. Give me the raid. Right me there a little bit. That doesn't smell as bad as I thought it would. So what would you rather have?

It does smell nice. It's a binary option, you know? I'm gonna go with... Fuck it, I'm gonna go with Unlimited Games but no games. How come that one? I would... Yeah, why? Is the answer to this question gonna determine what you do to my face at the rate? I'm taking your sins away so you can't double up. I need that. I need it so bad. Why do I want Unlimited Games but no games?

It doesn't make any sense to me, so I chose that one. Oh, okay. Oh, so you often take the opinion that makes no sense, is what you're saying. Regularly. It's interesting. Sometimes I do it for fun. Other times, I also do it for fun. And if you had to choose what part of the chuckle sandwich you are, what would you be? You've chosen one in the past. The meat. The meat? Okay, you're not allowed to have that. That's already been chosen. What the fuck? Why not? Because Charlie is the meat.

I wanna be the meat. Our third member. Our third member who tragically died in a white phosphorus accident. Yeah, okay, well, fucking, I wanna be the meat now. You can be a certain type of meat on top. Yeah, you can choose a specific type of meat. The unlimited bacon? Unlimited bacon. That's interesting you chose that. Yeah, you didn't choose that. You don't have that. That's off the table now. That's the one thing you don't have, actually. Specifically, you don't have that. Okay, I would rather be...

The aioli. Okay. What type of aioli? Sriracha. Sriracha aioli. Okay. I'll take it. I'll take it. Well, thanks for being here, Hassan. Thanks for having me, guys. On another episode of Chumkul Sandwich. Don't. I'm wet now. This podcast is brought to you by Aura, the most complete online safety toolkit.

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