Eddy Burback
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So, Ted actually took a baseball bat to the studio and broke your kneecaps with it. Yeah, no, that's why they're under the table right now. They're shattered. My legs look like spaghetti under here. Well, we do that for every guest, so. It's how Ted is, though. It's a formality. It's more for Ted than it is for you. He just trips people, kids, old people, and then he goes, ha-ha, you're on the ground, and then he runs away. I've seen him do it like 40 times.

And it stays funny. 40 is a clean number. See, and no one's surprised. If I feel like it again, I'm going straight to 50. What about after 50? Well, I mean, then you got to go to 100. Hold on. So we went from 40 to 50. Yes. And then we're racking up 50 more. No, man. You're tripping. You're tripping. No, they're technically tripping. That's true. 70 is not a good number. Why would they do that? 80 is like an okay number, but.

It reminds me of like I ate and I ate and I'm six to the floor to memorize multiplication tables. And that kind of makes me mad. Okay. So that's why you trip people around that age? Yeah, I mean... That makes sense. It's so easy.

It is easy. And they're like basically asking for it. I know. I try to help one across the street too and I see him on the other side and I'm like, ah, you can do it. Because by the time you get there, I mean, come on. And they're literally walking around and they're holding something that you could use to beat them up with. What are you talking about? A cane, a walker. Are we talking about old people? Yes. On the road? Yeah. And my...

Proclivity to be a crap out of them right the trick is though you don't help them up because after Ted runs away Whoever helps them up he comes back on inline skates with a hockey stick, and it'll swipe their feet from out from under them Yeah, that's how you get them. Yeah, I don't know how he straps come on so quick when he runs into like an alleyway It's almost like a spider-man sort of thing when he rips the he doesn't even enjoy the first trip so much It's more of like setting the trap yes setting the moment when I'm dry, and I'm just really high speed - I basically look like

Like those guys that are taking bicycling way too seriously. Oh, yeah the aerodynamic helmet I got the glasses on I got the really tight my glorious You're rock hard when you're doing it. Oh, I'm rock hard. Oh, yeah, it's it's it's sort of a spiritual experience for me Have you ever had a third guy come along and try to pick up the second?

- How do you mean, Charles? - Well, I mean, you knock over the old guy, someone comes along, some unsuspecting, I don't know, kid, maybe they're 12, 13, doesn't matter. - They're trying to join in with me? - No, they're trying to pick up the old person. You come in with your hockey skates, rockin' and cockin', slammin' right into 'em, right? A third person comes along, try to pick what is the next step. - Well, I mean, I come in with my inline skates, I've got my hockey stick, and I'm ready to trip.

But what I've also got in my back pocket is one of those little rubber mallets. So it's like if I see someone as I'm exiting, I swing that behind my head for a swift exit. That's good. Yeah. So the only evidence left behind is a rubber mallet. And it's like, we couldn't have used that to do all this. So there's something with your fingerprints on it that you're leaving behind every time? I got gloves on.

Oh, my mistake. I've got my high-speed blood. There's enough blood on his hands that it doesn't, I mean, come on. Police just know to stay away. Who says that anymore? Yeah, they do. It's funny that you say blood on my hands. Police come in, they almost think to help the old person up. One guy goes, oh, he's a rookie. He doesn't know about the inline skates. He doesn't know he's coming right back. Well, it's funny that you say blood on your hands because, I mean, since I wear the gloves so

Tightly it's not a single drop of blood has ever touched my hands ever except for when I cut my finger The other day that's true mm-hmm. It was my own was that your finger that you just showed me is it good now Yeah, no, it's pretty good. So when we were setting up the when we were now we're in real life was yesterday This is like two days ago actually when we were setting up the

the set. Totally. And this isn't a cover story as well. No, this is a real thing that happened. We're in real life now. I can see your thumb. That's a very real gash on you. It's a very real cut. We basically went to Target and we were over here getting all this stuff set up on the set.

And I'm just trying to pull, you know how a lot of stuff from Target has got like those tags on them with the plastic? Most things, products have tags. - Yeah. - And I'm just trying to do the classic like pull off 'cause you're too lazy to get a knife to cut it with. And I do that but there's like a metal ring involved in this tag.

And I'm pulling it off and it doesn't pull off. And then my finger and this finger go like right through that little metal ring. And it just totally opens up my thumb and my finger. And I'm just like.

Wow, I'm bleeding a lot right now. Well, Eddie, we hope you open up on this episode of the Chuckle Sandwich Podcast. Not like that, though, right? Oh, well. That was a good segue. Maybe not. It was great. Thanks, bro. But I'm a little scared that he means my hand. I hope you slide on in to the Chuckle Sandwich Podcast with inline skates. Rock hard today. There you go. If you don't know who we've got here on the Chuckle Sandwich Podcast,

We've got Eddie Burback. That's me. Here today. I'm here. Did we start? I think so. I'm assuming. We didn't really have a real intro. We've been going for about five minutes now. Yeah. It's a soft start. Eddie, you go. You introduce the podcast, please. Welcome back, guys. You know me. I'm the host of Choco Sandwich. I've always been the host. Yep. From the first episode to what episode are we on? The day he was born. What?

We're in the high 20s. From the first episode to this one in the high 20s, I'm your favorite. We don't know what order we're releasing them, so. Oh, okay. Then fucking- You could be last.

Well, I don't even know what last would be number one. Maybe 32. Welcome back to definitely the 32nd episode of the podcast. I'm happy to be here. Thank you guys for having me. Thank you for coming on. Was I supposed to introduce myself? You could absolutely introduce yourself. I've never been on this. Well, I guess I've been on the end of it like once or twice, but I do YouTube stuff. I stream. I have a podcast.

My friend Gus. What do you want to talk about today? A lot of stuff. Yeah, why did you beg us to come here? That's exactly what I did. I was knocking at the door. I said, I know your content week is happening. What do you want, man? You're finally here. I have been meaning to get you guys on, and before I say it, don't you dare say the words pyramid and scheme.

It's a multi-level marketing. What happens is, what's that look you're giving? I'm right here. This is my ambient face. It looked like you exhaled and rolled your eyes. No, no, no. He just looks like that. I'm breathing. I was breathing and following a bug. Okay. So essentially what the business is, is you just convince your friends to give you a pool of money. Okay. And then they pretty much hand it up to me.

And somewhere along the lines, we trick those fucks into thinking they're going to make some cash. Oh, whoa. But if you want to sign in at the kind of ground level, then at one point you'll be up to where I am. I mean, I'd be good for that. I think my aunt did something like this once. Yeah, your aunt is actually part of mine. It was a thing where... It was jewelry, right? Well, I mean, this was when my aunt was but a child. Oh, okay.

And they were in school and they said that to them at school, hey, we're trying to raise money for school and we'll give you a pizza party if you go around and sell chocolate bars to all of your family or these popcorn tins. Oh, you're talking about like fun. You're saying fundraisers are a multilevel marketing scheme. Basically, they are. Did they end up doing the pizza party?

Because I've found, and from my own experience, that pizza parties are promised way more than they happen in elementary schools all across the country. That's true. You're right. And it's always a snake sliver of pizza.

It's like, this isn't really pizza. Yep. Because they just keep slicing. They're like, okay, everyone, take one. Yeah. Right? And you get a nice sort of- It's pizza rations. It's not a pizza party. It is. And it's like, a pizza is like, if you're doing a pizza party really rarely, at least give the child a full slice. Like, come on.

I got my sixth grade teacher in the opposite end of things did the coolest thing you could possibly do for like 2009 sixth grade class. And we he said he would give the class a surprise if we were good for like a couple of like assemblies and events. And then the week leading up to spring break, we played.

Instead of going out to cold recess in the, you know, Illinois winter, we stayed and we played rock band every day and had a pizza party for four days in a row before winter break. Oh, that's fucking awesome. That... Wow. It's the best thing that ever happened to me in school. That was the absolute... That was school. Do you remember anything else? No, it's all a blur. Six times five. I...

Pizza, right? Jimmy World had a song on Rock Band. Is that the kind of question you're asking me? No, but I'm really jealous of that. It's called The Middle. I was forced to sing in front of my class. That sounds formidable. That was rough because I was 12. Ask me to do math, I can't do it.

I used to. Were you guys good at math and then you weren't? Because that was my experience. I was never good at math. I actually didn't even take math my senior year in high school. I didn't either. How is that an option? I managed to. No, I don't want to do math. Well, I didn't realize you were just not good at math. I've never heard of that in my life.

Math? It's pretty much what I was, I had it where I was going to community college and I was like, wait, do I need another math credit for any type of graduation stuff? Because I was going to try and do film. And then they were like, no, you don't. I didn't fucking do calculus. I did too. Yeah, the state schools in Massachusetts require that fourth year, but I wasn't applying to anything in Massachusetts. So I was just like,

I'm not going to do math this year. And it was the best. This is fucking bullshit. How the fuck are you able to say that? I never ever did pre-calc. I started trig pre-calc and that's what I dropped. Oh, really? Yeah. Did you do calc? I never did calc. What? So you operate at a geometry level.

Barely that. No, no, no. What are some shapes in the office right now, guys? No, I mean, what's the shape of the table? What? What's the shape of the table? A rhombus, clearly. A rhombus. Oh, a rhombus. Oh, can you find the area of that for me, please? Sure. Rhombus times rhombus equals cosine. Square.

Sine, cosine, tangent. Everybody knows these things, Schlamm. You don't need to go to class. Dodecahedron. Dodecahedron. Wow. What is that, 10 sides? 12, I believe. 12 sides? Is it 12? How many sides is that?

- I don't know. - Math, we had all this talk about geometry level. - I don't know. - Subtract that. - When have we ever needed it though? - Never. - Some people do, but if you're in high school and you're like, I'm gonna be an art major, then ask if you have to do more math, 'cause you might not have to do more math. - I will say, so since we're on episode 32 now,

canonically, this should be after. We did the Dungeons and Dragons thing yesterday. That's very math-based. And I had to look over at your sheet a couple times and be like, oh yeah, six plus one, that's seven. That is math-based. That's true. And I did computer science in college. Well, I didn't have too hard of a time with that. Are you implying that I did? No, it's fine. I mean, we're all sitting around the rhombus right now. We're all comfortable. You seem to be...

It seems like he waited for the podcast to say you weren't good at math. It does seem a little bit like that. I don't know what you're talking about. America, we are endowed by our creator with certain unalienable rights, life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. By honoring your sacred vocation of nursing, you impact your family, your friends, and your community. At Grand Canyon University, our

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Eddie, we actually have something special for you today. Right, does it have to do with the cup? What? Because a minute ago I looked to see if I had any water and you said we have a surprise for you. It's actually just a round of applause. We just wanted to thank you. We wanted to thank you for having us on. And by the way, you do look thirsty though. You look parched. I am.

I mean, normally, we'll just pour you a bottle of this. What the fuck is this? It's water, man. Let's just take a look at it. Can we get the consistency? The consistency is going to be like sludgy, right? That's what it looks like. Can we get just like a zoom in, potentially, borfey-bor-y?

What the fuck is this? Oh, that looks good. That is anything but still. That's LA's finest. You like that? This is LA's finest. This looks like it's like some kind of squeeze. That's some Los Angeles quivering water. So this is something very, very delicious. If we could just take a quick- Aquapina. I guess I'll- How's this? We'll take a quick look at pouring this for you. Yeah.

I mean, it's just water, really. It's just water. I mean, this just came from the- Oh. This just came from the- Well, right now it's slowing down. It's trying to show off for the camera a little bit. Is this a type of saliva? It's just water.

That's what this- oh god. Oh, that's good. I really hate looking at this. Get a nice drizzle, which is not usually the way it is. Oh, I genuinely hate looking at this. There we go, top it off. Spin the bottle so it doesn't- yeah, spin the bottle. Yeah, nice. You guys gotta realize I'm the worst person. I'm not one of those guys that's like, "Well, fuck it, I'll down it anyways." Well, what are you talking about? Hey, this is the building block. Eddie, this is- These were pre-poured and this was full.

So you can't pretend. I don't know what you're talking about. This is the same shit. Ted opened a full bottle. We talked it off a little. I watched you pull a water bottle from under the table before we recorded. That's bullshit. You have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. So, Eddie, this is what we've got for you today. Oh. Thick water. Did you talk about the... I feel like thick water has been a topic I heard of recently, and I don't know if it's from you, Ted. We put it in... Shalott and I put it in cereal.

Yeah, you told me and you said it was awful. And now you're gonna put it in your mouth. No, it was delicious. It was delicious and viscous. I'm looking at thick water for a moment. I'll take a sip of thick water even if it's terrible. So, I mean, really, we all just have thin water. Yeah. So you do have thin water. No, that's thick water. No, this is water. What? This is water. So this is water. Technically, it's your drink. I mean, what that is is water. At least partially. Let me just do a real quick test here.

So these are different waters. Just looking at it for a moment. One of them is slightly gray. You said yourself you're not a math guy, right? I'm not a math guy. I don't really think... I've stared into a lot of red Pizza Hut cups in my day. Take a look at mine then because mine will be... It's still just thin water. Well, so I have a blue bottle here. So as you can see that in there. Yeah, that's the thick water right there. So I just want to say that you can also tell that there are bubbles floating around in it. It's water. So when you're showing...

examples, I can tell it that it's a different water. It's funny because the bubbles don't actually come up. Right, I noticed. They just hang out in there. Yeah, they're trapped in there. Are we getting a sip? I'll sip it. So thick water, I will say, just smells like water. It tastes like water too, you'll see.

Theoretically. Oh, that's so weird. Yeah, no, it should taste like water. I'm really sticking on my muscle. It's just water, bro. Is this actual question, is it, when it goes into my body, is it just water? Yeah. Well, here's one thing I will say. I'm not trying to fuck myself up for the rest of the day. I will say that it has five calories. Is that the only difference?

Sure. The thing is, it's like... I don't like the lack of confidence here. It's got one gram of carbohydrates in it.

In a serving of it. And how bad could one gram of carbohydrates be? Let's just see what the ingredients are. That's awful. Carbo load. We got a big meat tomorrow. So they start with artesian mineral water. Okay. And those are just... Fuck it up. Those are just words to me. I don't know in any way what that means. It looks like they put xanthan gum in it. Okay. Calcium chloride, malic acid. They put potassium benzoate and potassium sorbate in it to...

to preserve the presence. - They get a little bit of apple diap in there. - And then they have sodium hexametaphosphate in there as well. - Familiar with it. - Less than 2% of that though. - See, this was sort of our idea behind having you with the thick water is that a lot of the times when we have guests on the podcast, they keep having to refill, refill, refill, refill the water. So this is sort of, in one turn, we feel like a more viscous water will help keep our guests

hydrated anytime, anywhere. - Takes longer to drink. - It takes a little bit longer to drink. - There's a struggle with it. - It's versatile 'cause it can be hot, cold, or frozen if you want.

Right, much like water, but in a thick form. Well, it's a little different. Can we freeze it? Yeah. What's the difference then, once it's frozen? I mean, I notice you are still breathing, so it hasn't congealed yet, which is nice. That's fine. Which is good. Do you think if I sit more, it'll maybe cancel it out where I'll keep breathing? Okay. This is so weird.

How's that? How does that taste? Still not good on the third sip. Well, it's just water, hypothetically. What's weirding me out is it sticks on my mustache more than regular water would, which is really off-putting to have a very clear drop be more solid. No, I mean, it's literally partially, somewhat, maybe water. Well, I'm glad I got to try some thick water. Hey, Ian, can you give us a full definition of what thick water is? Well,

I actually already looked it up, because I thought we were headed in that direction. Nice, man. It's just water to help people that have difficulty swallowing. So we sort of felt like you might have difficulty swallowing when you came on the podcast. What led you to that thought?

Well, I mean, to put it bluntly, Eddie, it was the blowjob last night, you know? I understand that. Yeah. We don't need to... That's why. That's such a vile direction to go. Get him on. You got to get him on. Get him on. Jesus Christ. But, um...

Yeah, I mean, that's thick water. I mean, that's the end of that bit, I suppose. Oh, shit. You know what we haven't done? We haven't asked you what part of the sandwich are you. Whenever we have a guest on, we establish that we are pre-established parts of the sandwich. Ted, you are? I'm the little butt pieces. Ted's the butt loaf. When you're done with a loaf. So we're assuming this sandwich for Chuckle Sandwich just has the butt pieces then? Well, it's just the bread that creates it.

encloses it, controls it. Mm-hmm. Butt pieces. Okay. I'm the mayo.

I understand. Uh, and I'm the meat. Okay, shit, I was gonna say I wanted to be the meat. What meat? So, you've started asking this, and it's fucking pissing me off that you started asking this question recently because it was never a problem until we started- I realize it is a problem- We got into a real set and you fucking changed. What if Eddie wants to be a meat? You can't just- you're taking all meat. What if he wants to be a sausage? I'm not taking anything. You've had a sandwich with multiple meats, all I'm saying is I am the meat. Eddie can be marmello if he wants. You can be. Do you wanna be? I don't know.

I don't know, well, there definitely could be multiple meats. Frankly, I'm eating this sandwich and my throat is a little, it's a little parched. Maybe I could go for a beverage.

Who knows? What you're saying is, I'm the thick water in the sandwich. Ooh. Do you want to be? Yeah. Put me right on the mayo. Mix it together. Okay. Yeah. It'll stay there. I'm the thick water. I'm the thick water mayo. They call that yum yum sauce. That's the secret? That's the secret. It's thick water. Well, we do have another...

What? We have that yum yum sauce? Yes, we have the yum yum sauce. Well, hold on. We have another food challenge for you, Eddie. No, no, wait. Actually, we've opened that and it's supposed to be refrigerated, isn't it? So we probably shouldn't give that to him. I don't know. That's enough for me to- We have a lot of things on set that you could- We have a lot of things on set you could put in your body at least once. It smells like yum yum. Well, but I don't want to make-

Eddie's gotta go to a show tonight. I do have to go to a show tonight. You're on- you're on- I didn't say it, you just said it like- This is your show, bro. Yeah, well- This is the show. You imitated me when you said that, but then you were making fun of Eddie. You looked at me like I said I had a show tonight. Hey, Eddie, if you want us to leave, we'll leave, man. I mean, you know, I could just do the whole podcast myself if you guys want me to. I mean, you came on- That actually sounds- that sounds fucking great.

Are you gonna do this right now? It's too much to stand up with all these microphones. It's a lot. It's too much for the minute. Alright, so Eddie, what drives you? What drives me? Hate. Just hate. I can relate to that. Of who? Everyone. Everyone around you? Thank God. I hear a lot with... I thought he was gonna say a group in particular. No. No. You were expecting him to be racist. Oh, I thought he meant a group like the Beatles.

Or the black eyed peas. Do you like the black eyed peas? I don't know if I love the way you're saying it. There's a slight appreciation on the first one. What's the emphasis on black? Did I emphasize? Sort of. I see where you guys are coming from, but I think that's just his general cadence. That's my general cadence. Okay. Well, it was also the setup in the sentence before. I don't know if I like your general cadence. There was a bit of a setup there too. You set yourself up for disaster there.

I was just asking him what he thinks of the black eyed peas. Did you ever go back and listen to their uncensored version of Let's Get It Started?

Just wondering if you guys knew about that one. No! You wanna sing it? I think a lot of people- No! You can do a duet! I just started watching more Samurai Jack, 'cause I never watched this again. Oh, very good. I didn't know, and I didn't Google to confirm, 'cause somebody mentioned it to me, that Will.i.am does the Samurai Jack theme song. So there you go. That's why it was interesting. Ian, can you look that up and make sure I didn't just lie?

But sometimes you just have to do that and just lie on a podcast. When you were a kid, I assumed you were an avid player of Flash games? Yeah, all the time. Did you ever play the Samurai Jack game on Cartoon Network where you kept jumping up through like three levels and then the final level was to fight Aku? I played any Cartoon Network Flash game I was playing. He gets it. I mentioned this game to Aaron of Game Grump.

And you had no idea what I was talking about and I felt alone. And now I feel very connected to you. - I'm gonna throw a couple more out 'cause I used to play those with my brother all the time. There was a, the one we thought was the coolest was the Powerpuff Girl one where you were like in big robots and you hit each other. - I don't think I played that one. - And then there was-- - They were all just so good. - There was a Ben 10 one. They tried to do an MMO at some point.

For Ben 10? No, for Cartoon Network, I remember. There was a Codenamed Kids Next Door one, Flight of the Hamsters. Yep, I love Flight of the Hamsters. I think I did that one. I actually played it pretty recently. I found it online and I played it again. It had the, what's the fucking song in it? The Mountain King song. Yeah, yeah. All the time. The Will.i.am. Yeah. He was really good at that, yeah.

The Mountain King was so good in that song. He flopped off. Did you see, since we're on the tangent, just yesterday they announced the Nicktoons Smash Bros. game. Yep. That is fucking awesome. I love seeing that stuff because those are... How do you feel about that? Those types of games, I feel like, are real weird, like, cursed memories for people when you grow up. Like, do you guys remember on that type of topic, there was the...

What the fuck? Was it called, like, Nickelodeon? Nicktoons Unite. You're talking about Nicktoons Unite. Yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about. Were they, like, canon combine everyone? I do not remember that. Whatever one it was where, like, there's one where they're on an island together. I've got this all fucking locked in, man. Yeah, where, like, Danny Phantom's talking to SpongeBob, and you're like, this shouldn't be happening.

Is that like a side-scroller one you're talking about? No, it's like a beat-em-up. Yeah. Like a top-down. Oh, I remember some sort of... You're unlocking shit right now. Some sort of volcano island thing, but it was on like a DS or something like that. So they did, this was back in the era where they'd make the DS game and pretend it was the same, but give you like a shitty side-scroller version of the game, but since you're a kid, you're like, are my eyes wrong? I think that's the one I played. Yeah. And I played the whole thing.

There was also the Nickelodeon Eye Toy game. Did you guys ever fuck with Eye Toy? I loved Eye Toy. Dude, Eye Toy ruled. No, it did not. That was a piece of shit. The base one that came out for a child. The Eye Toy...

You'll have you ever wanted to be on TV Ted. Oh my god Yeah, you ever wanted to be a star it was a shitty camera that detected a little bit of motion and there'd be games for it so it would show you in your living room and then they'd have like Little like there'd be like a ninja game where little ninjas would jump at you and you'd have to chop them or you'd wash windows And I was young and it was great and they had a real curse commercial where everyone's gathering in and they're like Jimmy's I don't remember the

fucking kid's name but they're like Jimmy's on TV and then they all gather in and then they go wait but if Jimmy's on TV then who's this and they look at the kid playing the game and I like to imagine they killed him afterwards because they just didn't understand what was going on Ted came in on roller skates that kind of reminds me of I remember I bought this like Star Wars game

Oh, not Star Wars connect right it was it was an old one It was basically you know those little orbs that they used to like the Jedi's would train with it was like that but it was basically a motion sensor and then you had a short lightsaber and I would play this on like a really small TV and it was like you would slice that but it had to be like 2010 or something that this was a thing so it was like I

Maybe before the Kinect. When did the Kinect come out? 2012? You sure you weren't just playing Fruit Ninja and your parents had Star Wars on the other world? It was basically like Fruit Ninja, except that there was all these levels and you had to fight like Darth Vader and stuff. I miss all those gimmick games. Yeah. They announced the Kinect at the 2010, or at least did an in-depth Kinect thing at the 2010 E3. 2010, wow.

Yeah, just because I was making E3 videos. But yeah, they're also, do you guys remember those sports ones where they just give you like a bat and you just have to swing it? Yes! Yes! Like the accessories and stuff? Yeah. I'm glad my dad at the time, we had this box TV that he got like screen cover for because there were a couple of times where I would be playing by myself and I would just

No, not even Wii. It was just a real wooden baseball bat. You'd buy like a bat that had buttons on it or like you'd get a mat that had a very basic motion football that you could do stuff for and you'd just plug it in with like component cables.

and play a shitty sports game. And I whacked my TV so hard. Maybe did damage, but nobody noticed. Yeah, so they give kids an aluminum bat and a four-second MP4 of someone throwing a baseball at the screen because they know it's only going to have to play once. I sent the fucking Door Dasher to just the wrong place.

Did you send them back to our B&B? No. I sent them to the same address in another place in Los Angeles. Where in Los Angeles? Like a completely different area? Yeah. Shit. And now I don't know what to do because... Because it's in the wrong place? It's in the wrong place. Well, I mean, it's not...

It's not what we were really looking for, but this does have five calories here. You know what's that? Thick it clear, thicken water. Because of your failure. I already sipped it. I chugged it last episode. No, it's not going to happen. Chug the thick water. I paid for the goddamn food, Ted. Fine, but I'm pissed. All right, Eddie. You said that like I just insulted you.

All right. Easy. So Eddie, what the fuck? What the fuck is going on? Hey folks, before we move on with the rest of the podcast, I'd like to talk about today's sponsor, SimpliSafe. SimpliSafe is easy to use, totally customizable home security that focuses equally on the most up-to-date tech and a reliable relationship-focused service team.

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Charlie here actually had some pretty big questions for you that he wanted to ask you. They're pretty high rolling questions. Um, and he is really, really interested in learning these things about you, Charlie. Yeah. So, I mean, uh, just to lead in, um, really just to start off, uh, kind of segue us into what I'm going to bring up and what I'll say. Um, shall I go ahead? Uh,

So basically, we're having an argument, to put it simply. He tweeted a picture of us on set. Well said, Schlatt. I'll take it from here. Of the Dungeons and Dragons. So yeah, I just put out a single tweet of the Dungeons and Dragons thing. Schlatt was actually going to tweet it originally. He was like, yeah, well, why didn't you reply to the tweet? You can handle this. Right before we started here, he was like, well, why didn't you reply to the tweet?

Yeah, thank you. I know he's big on Signal Boost. He needs his likes. And I was excited because I was like, this is really important for me. I'm very glad I had the opportunity to do this. It meant a lot to me. So it felt kind of weird because we were having such a good, good meal. You know what I'm saying? We were rolling down the deep end, but I just feel like an astronaut in the ocean. That's really great. You feel like an astronaut in the ocean. I know about rolling down the deep end.

Here's the thing. I regret everything that just conspired here. See, this is what you kind of walked into this by leading into what Charlie was saying. I was giving Charlie an opportunity to speak. Yeah, and I'm going to stop you right there. Yeah, and I'll stop Charlie right there and say, what the fuck is the problem with expecting a reply from me?

Am I crazy for being like, oh, well, I'm sorry, I didn't reply, but now you're mad at me because I didn't reply? Because I didn't reply to the tweet? Well, now just hang on there. Let me just hop in here just really, really quick. If I can just maybe slide in. If I can just sort of slide in here. This bit has gone on for too long. And it's just like, I don't know what you want me to do. It's not a bit anymore. I already spent the time trying to do it, but I couldn't do it. I don't know. It's like my cock doesn't work. What do you want me to do?

What? That's how you ended that? That's a great rep- can you reply to that tweet? "My cock doesn't work"? That would be a good one. Keep the "What do you want me to do?" "My cock doesn't work, what do you want me to do?" To just break this down, you guys were arguing about- I'm breaking it down. -Shlatt replying to the tweet? No, he said he was gonna tweet out the Chuckle Dungeon thing yesterday, and I was like, "Okay, well hang on, 'cause I, you know, I set it all up, I'd love to have the opportunity." And Shlatt was very nice about it, he was like, "Yeah, you go ahead. It's a good photo, you know, we're all dressed up in costumes." Yeah, I was there for that. I tweeted out, uh,

And I tweeted out with like a what I say like it's it's time or something like that time something like that And I added them I added them mmm It was not we tagged them or did you add it wasn't it wasn't a tweet and then the ads it was just the ads So think about how I look now did they like the tweet well I? Slipped onto the buttons like literally I got up like two hours ago and

And what the hell is that supposed to be? What is that? I haven't gotten around to getting on Twitter. You trying to make excuses? Really, like, formally replying to stuff. I mean, these two, they sort of have a system. I mean, I think Schlatt's excuse is a little bit less because, you know, he likes to go through in his little phases where he goes and he replies to everyone. What is he talking about? His cock doesn't work. What do you want him to do? My cock doesn't work. What is that? How does that work? What do you want him to do? His bio cock's malfunctioning, man. Listen. Listen.

I'm sorry about your real skin over a living flesh over a metal endoskeleton. Living flesh over a metal endoskeleton. Your living flesh over a endoskeleton. T2. Judgment Day. Got it. Favorite movie. And nobody calls his dick. Okay. T2, Judgment Day, favorite movie. That's the full title? It actually is a copy of the movie, just in place there. It's the case with a disc inside. Eddie, tell us about, like...

Is there a movie that is unironically the worst movie that you've ever seen that you haven't talked about on your channel? Because you've talked about several terrible movies, but sometimes there are movies that are so bad that you can't even really talk about how bad they are because they're so bad. It's the middle ground ones. It's the ones that feel like they have no heart, but they're also shitty. So like one of the...

recent ones, I guess recent, you know, pre-pandemic as well, was that fucking Tarzan movie in theaters that came out a couple of years ago. I forgot that happened. Everyone forgot it happened because it wasn't good. It was just boring. Those are the ones that really suck. The ones that you don't feel... They have high budgets, but they're just so hard to... So it's the heart, it seems, that sets it apart. Because I think I know what you're talking about. I, um...

I, I, my girlfriend had introduced me to troll too. Uh, and it was like right around the time I found your channel and how I got into it was I watched your troll too video. And I was like, it's so, it's so good. It's so fun. Yeah. Like the troll too mugs, I think. Um,

Yeah, no, but I fucking completely forgot what I was talking about. I mean, those, because you were talking about those fun movies, is the reason the So Bad It, most of the famous So Bad It's Good movies are ones who have directors or somebody in it who really gives a shit about it. And which is kind of cruel that we like that about it, because it's somebody who really gives it a personality, though, doesn't it? There needs to be a labor of love there so we can tear it down and...

and turn them into nihilists. But then when it becomes like a cult favorite or a cult classic, you can recognize that, yes, they are short of being made fun of, but they are getting, you know, people to watch their movie and talk about it and think about it. I think that that is sort of a bit of a...

what's the word, purgatory, to be stuck in it for someone who's making movies and wants to be a real director, and then they get stuck in the, they've made a cult classic, and then now they're only gonna be viewed as a cult classic director. - Can I say as well,

I feel like the disaster artist was the nail in the coffin for the room. It is not fun anymore. It's too, it got too mainstream and I just think it's not, it's not fun. And like, I found it late even when it was still kind of too big on the internet. But after,

After that movie came out, it was like, oh, it's not like an inside joke anymore. Right. Right. Like now they've addressed it, so it's not as... Right. And just like when everyone... When it's a movie that you like go to screenings for and like somebody has to introduce it to you or you found it on like some corner of the internet, it's more fun than like, you know, it being at the Oscars that year and then everyone knows it's like the bad movie. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

How do you feel about, I gotta ask, I mean, about the movies like on sci-fi that are sort of made to be bad? I don't watch those. They're not as fun. Not as fun. Like four-headed shark attack, five-headed shark attack, six-headed shark attack, seven-headed shark attack coming out in 2022. Seven-headed shark attack? It's like,

Seven headed sharks? Is that real? It's like a fidget spinner of just shark heads. What the fuck? There's no body at all. Ian, go ahead and look up five. Go ahead and start with five headed shark attack. Let's see just how close I was here. Wait, so there is a five headed shark attack? I want to make sure that I have the head number right, but I know that it was more than three. Well, you kept going up. It's like- I thought you were doing a bit. Well, the movies keep going. No, this isn't a bit. This is real. And at this point as well, it's like you can- I thought he was lying. There's barely a tail. This exists. This is real.

Oh, really? Yeah, there's barely a tail sticking out of the shark. It's like just kind of a Beyblade of an animal coming at a bow. Five-headed shark attack is real? It's one shark. Can I see the shark, please? Pull it up.

What the fuck is that? That's a shark! Oh my god. That makes a shark way less scary. Sharks are like evolution, through evolution, like perfect underwater predators and multiple heads would just ruin fucking everything. And now it's five of them together. Well, I mean, they're not even able to swim. The movie is like the same every time, but they take the CGI pre-established shots and add on another head to the shark. Ha!

I'm starting to like it now. You always see the shark doing the same thing. Like, okay, it has its swim towards the camera, it has its swim right, and it has its, like, breach. That is it. That is all they will use for the entire movie. God, I can't wait for the next one. We're doing the Jaws effect. You barely show the five-headed shark, and then you fear it more. You keep the mystery of what a five-headed shark could look like for most of the movie. What if his six head starts to grow? Holy shit, we have a sequel. It makes itself.

That's fucking ridiculous. So there's a little bit of a charm in it, but I think I bring it up because it lacks the heart in a sense that the vision was a little bit different than what came out. Right. Yeah. And I know there's a group of people that like watching those movies because, yeah, they know what they're doing when they're making it. They're making it cheesy on purpose. Yeah, it's trashy. I like the ones that are accidentally cheesy. That's my bread and butter. But the thing is, after you kind of...

After you dip your toes in that community, you find that most of those movies recommended are kind of not fun to watch, and there's like a handful of them. That's why I've only made a couple of those videos, because I think only a couple of them have that magic. Well, yeah, and that's the hardest thing about even finding movies like that, if you're going out of your way. Like, I've been recently trying to get a new...

movie that would inspire me the same way. Like I made a movie on bikes and I found that movie by accident. It was like, and it requires that magic of like, what have I found? Do you want some right now?

Do you want some right now? No, some magic. Oh, yeah. If you give me some zest later, I mean, don't mention them now. I'll give you some zest right now. This is some dual zest. This is a little zest for you as well. Sprinkle it over in your direction. I love getting some zest. Yeah. No, we're getting a little zesty in here now. We're going to.

Can I be the zest in the sandwich? Like, is this lime zest? Can I switch my answer to be the zest in the sandwich? You can be the zest in the sandwich. I would love to be the zest. What kind of zest? Is it sort of like a peel that you kind of shave off? Thick water zest. Still, I'm holding it to you. Still in the category. So you froze the thick water, and then you, like...

Got a shave So this is my marriage now. I'm going to segue into what I was gonna say Which is I went up to Portland Maine with my girlfriend like a year ago, and we found a like a VHS store of all these fucking movies from the time before time really and there was one about

It was called... What was it called? It was like the fucking... The guy and the wizard. It's... Ian, look this up. It's a guy. He has a sword with three blades on it. Sword and the Sorcerer. Holy shit. There you go. It's the Sword and the Sorcerer. Is it a bad movie? It's...

He's got a sword with three blades. And you're like, okay, why? And in the first two minutes, he launches the blades at someone. And for the rest of the movie, it's a regular sword. That sounds great to me. He didn't get them back? No, he doesn't get them back. He doesn't just walk across the area that he shot it and...

Wow. No, no, he shoots it off, it's gone. Wait, don't tell me anything more about this. I won't, but this is the little bit of zest for you. And I like the introduction, but if you tell me any more, then the magic won't be there. I need to discover the rest. It's a guy with a sword with three blades. Yeah. That's fucking awesome that you know that movie. That's fun. I don't know why anyone else would. And Borfman knew it too. That's freaking awesome. Oh my gosh. Yeah, that's...

So that's got the, that sounds like it's got some zest to it as well. It's just by the way you're talking about it. Yeah, there was some other one about like, I was fading in and out of consciousness during it. It was about, he's got a picture. Whoa, okay. Wow. That's the sword. That's the sword. That's not what I would have pictured when I thought it had three blades. No, it's got three blades. Yeah.

I don't know you and I don't even and great at taking down a five minute shot. I sort of wonder like what was I thinking? I don't even know like I was thinking like like split off to the side like a spoke I was thinking like Breath in the Wild when you have like the Liesel boomerang. Oh, okay. Yeah, I was thinking like a big like what are the fucking things called from Ninja Turtles? Yeah, there is. No, it's a side. Yeah, that Raphael has. He's cool, but rude.

Yeah, he's very angry. He's rude. That's his thing. He's got spark and I would love hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? I'm Tony Hawk's son Could you imagine you're cool, but rude to somebody and then you just have someone to come in like hey, it's this thing He's cool, but he's rude And that's and that's the thing too is like you never hear anyone like

admit in a public space that someone is like cool unless there is like something wrong there. - Yeah. - You ever hear about that? - That's true. - Someone has only ever mentioned like, oh I think so and so is cool in a very private conversation.

And if you say it, for the most part, referring to somebody, it's, yeah, they did something wrong. No, he's cool. It's like a disclaimer before you keep going. Which what we need is after that, he's cool, but he is rude. You just got to hold on to that. As long as you admit it. It is so celebratory in Ninja Turtles. Yeah. He's cool, but rude. And they're like...

Michelangelo's a party dude. That's the exact lyrics, right? I didn't fuck that up. You need a guy to help you. He's cool, though. I feel like you could have skipped. When do they start talking about...

In the song, I'm lost. Late in the song. It's a long song. You started from the beginning and I was like, it's going to take a long time. And I don't know if you had it all banked up there. But one other thing I had to mention about the movie things, because in my search for finding a terrible movie, I found this movie that

It's very easy to like find terrible movies on IMDB because you can sort it by the lowest ranking in terms. So that's how I found several movies that have been wonderful finds for like animated movies. But there are some animated movies that I've found that are so bad that you can't even watch them because like there's this one movie I found called Space Babies. It has a 1.1 on IMDB and

And I was like, "Oh, this is great. It's gonna be fucking weird and terrible."

But in reality what it is is like terrible voice acting and then you've got these two characters and then two angles and then it's just all dialogue the whole time. They took a risk. Just within spaces. Just like they just changed the setting and they have the characters there and then they have a certain set of like movements that the characters do and then like

Or time and I like they like their door their mouth doesn't line up I was for some reason I was trying to do some ventriloquy Thank you. We understand for me. Yeah, there it is space baby that looks better than I would have guessed you'd think so But it is really really really terrible so terrible that it's almost not even worth making a video on it Yeah, just it's not funny. It's yeah. Yeah, and it's a and I found and I I think

had this whole list of these stuff and when I started investigating them, I realized that there's like a bunch of movies like that. Like there's one movie called Finding Jesus.

So it's supposed to be like finding... Yeah, I did as well. It was like finding Nemo, right? But it's finding Jesus. I'm like, oh, this must be awesome. Because that concept sounds like it's going to be ridiculous. How do you lose Jesus? But it was the... You leave him in a dentist's office in Australia. But basically... That's where you find him. It's the same plot as Finding Nemo. Jesus in the tank. I watched like a good 30 minutes of it.

Which is probably more than I needed to but it was basically just about these two fish and wait a minute They're still fish. Yeah was trust me this fish, but they're fish that believe in Jesus the person the human So Jesus himself is not a fish. Yeah. No, he's not a fish and then it's it's like this this teacher shark is like

You guys know about the love of Jesus and you gotta teach the older kids how to know about Jesus and that's the whole point and then the kids are just going around just talking to other fish and saying "believe in Jesus" and they're like "nah, believe in Jesus" "okay" Or they believe in instead fucking scallop Satan or something That would make more sense That would be awesome They believe in T-H-O-T You just mentioned something right now that would have elevated the movie beyond my wildest dreams

Scallop Satan? Scallop Satan? Are you fucking kidding me? That's awesome. No, so here's the thing, right? Is that like the whole thing about it? I think the most unrealistic thing is that Jesus wasn't a fish in this movie because they would have thought he was a fish if it was, right? Yeah, I would have assumed they just kind of did like a VeggieTales type thing. Oh.

Was Jesus a vegetable? I don't fucking know. I just know that they're like biblical stories. They are very biblical. Everyone knows way more about VeggieTales than me, and it kind of pisses me off. Well, here's the thing about VeggieTales, and I'm going to break it down for you Barney style, because clearly you don't know a damn thing about VeggieTales. That's literally, yeah, what I just said is I don't know a lot about VeggieTales. So, Eddie, it seems to me that you don't know a lot about VeggieTales. Mm-hmm.

I had, like, VeggieTales stuffed animals when I was growing up. Really? VeggieTales was a very, very popular show. Those were just in the kitchen. I had Tommy the Tomato. They didn't buy you any toys. I had Coles. Those were just cucumbers. I had Jesus Christ. Like, oh, Mom got VeggieTales stuffed animals. No, there was literal, like, I had an electronic cucumber, or no, broccoli. It was a broccoli with eyes on it, and it would, like, sing songs. I think it was, like, a Christmas one or something like that. But it was...

I don't think I realized that VeggieTales was a religious show until I was like, when I wasn't watching VeggieTales anymore and I went back and I was like, oh, VeggieTales, nostalgia, and I was like,

This is, uh... They're proselytizing. They're talking about a... Why'd the broccoli just prostrate itself in front of the camera? They're talking about the exile of the Jewish people and these vegetables. Is that tomato? Why did the tomato just circumcise himself? He's blanching himself. Yeah, no, it was, uh...

Weird. Yeah, I only saw it when I was stuck in CCD, like religious classes growing up. Vacation Bible school? Vacation Bible school. You never had that? They threw in the word vacation? Was it just on Saturday? It was summer. It was summer? It was summer and you go to Bible school in the summer. Oh.

I- and here's the thing, my family is not a religion- like really that religious anymore. They're like, they go on like Christmas and they go on like the spring, like on Easter and then that's about it. But like- That's what you gotta do. They were- they really tried to make it happen when I was- So I guess it's not what you gotta do. That's fine. I mean, if I'm going out on my- Into the scallops. I'll be like, okay.

You really think I would be standing there with Ted and God would be like, well, Ted did go on Easter and Christmas twice a year. Ted went on Easter and Christmas and he didn't pay attention. Dude, the amount of times I wish I could have brought my Game Boy to church. There you go. That would have been awesome. I think I did sometimes. Jeez. I brought a Game Boy to Chili's, but that's not as risky.

You just have plastic knives. There's not eternal damnation in the line. Both are the place of God. We don't know everything about Chili's. I wish we knew everything about Chili's. Those fajitas, maybe they send you straight to hell. Who knows? Eddie, is there anything in particular that's going on right now?

Just in life or yeah that like you'd like that you're really passionate about you know um what's up with you man? Just fucking yeah, you just been weird. I've been acting real strange lately. You just going for a full sip of the thick water It's just water no erotically right, but I feel like thick should remain in the description for I'm just thick water It's just thick water. I guess I put you guys are taking a sip. I mean mmm. That'll be that'll be fun

What do you mean? No, I'm just... It's already down, baby. It's just water. It should just be water. I don't think that you could chug that as well as I could. I gave it a shot already. I know I'm not good at it. So we have to know how... Ted gives it a shot. We have to know how... Ted, you just walked into volunteering yourself to chug thick water. Oh, fuck. I actually aerated it and it got worse. I did a little thing for the mic and if you...

Oh fuck off, oh fuck off, you're f- that's no no no no no no no no no no What the fuck? What the fucking hell dude? It's not that hard, Schlatt. Dead! You walk around like a little baby all day long and all I gotta do is just chuck some thick water, give me a break. I'm gonna bore fall over the set. I have to imagine while he's being real confident and he's freaking out inside. I'm not, it was fun, it was weird to- it was weird to- to chug it but it really wasn't that bad.

I can't believe I... If there was ever a thing, you know, after all these bits that would send you to hell, for real, that would be it. Really? It's how much thick water is in your system. It weighs you down. It weighs you down. You fall through the clouds. Your spirit comes out, yeah. I am feeling pretty confident that I got everyone to have that reaction, though. That made me feel

pretty good. You shouldn't feel good. You won't be feeling good in a short amount of time. I'll probably be blowing bubbles just from my spit later though. Charlie. Jesus, man. No, seriously. I fucking hate it. I can't stand it. These guys, he made me play them in, we all played Mario Kart and we had the loser drink thick water and I lost Mario Kart. I was tired. 200cc. It was sensory overload. Oh yeah, we were playing it. Fucking Koopa Troopa with the Meow Meow Kart. Which, by the way, so here's the thing. These two are both

I have my switch. I've got it all set up on my TV, and I've got Mario Kart, and I've got smash Charlie is very adept at smash in a way that it's like I Thought I was generally good But then I like and then in comes Charlie and he's 30 feet tall and he's got like a firing Fiery axe and he kills me every time you got a fiery ass so I'm getting my ass handed to him and then we switched to Mario Kart and

And then schlatz talking about breaking in Mario Kart. That's what yeah, Gus and Sven are like that too. Really? I don't even play I don't even play with them cuz they're so good I don't know they were like each other really yeah, they just get so mad at each other that I just prefer to like drink beer much. Well they are brothers. Yeah, but like they're both really good and also very competitive at it. Yeah, I can imagine though that I

I can see how that could have come about though. It's just like they're just sort of, they're training each other to just like, they just keep going like that. They're probably their whole childhood. I think, well, because you know, I have a fraternal twin brother and we've never been competitive with that stuff. Oh, right. Especially because you're- I don't know why I forgot about Tony. I love Tony. Yeah, I forgot when I said fraternal. Because Tony, I'm never introducing him as my twin. So he probably threw you off for a second. Because if I said Tony, you'd know Tony. Tony's your twin? Yeah, Tony's my fraternal twin. What?

Yeah. I've never seen Tony. You've never met Tony before? No, I don't think I've ever seen Tony. Was Tony... You probably have. I don't know. I feel like you've met Tony. Tony was there. Did he and Jane look the same as you? Tony has a beard, but he looks like my brother. He doesn't look like my twin. Oh, okay. But yeah, Tony might have been there in January when we all hung out, but I don't know. He might have. It was also a big group at the time. I had this bit going where when I first met him, I was like, Tony...

I was just like weird to him for a little bit. Yeah, and then the last time you saw him you said do you remember that bit where I was weird to you and he said yes I do. I said I absolutely do. Ted leaves, Ted, it's all about the first impression. I think I leave great first impressions. You left an impression with the thick water. You definitely did. That thick water is going to remember you. It's left an impression on my stomach too. How does it feel right now? I feel like I'm turning into a volcano.

In the best way possible. You shake it around. The bubbles are just still. They're sitting there. That is in you right now. And more of it. A lot of it.

I think that I can like now preserve that I can fossilize things in my gut. If by any chance a mosquito, you know, took something from an animal and went down there, they could find your bones in a long time. Make a clone of something. Ted Amber. You know snails can fossilize themselves? You told me this yesterday. That's it.

Hold on. I want to hear more actually. That's actually all I know. What do they do? Like what's the process? They just like sit down? Ian, help me out here. In what way? In the way that we have a general understanding of information. Do snails fossilize themselves? And if it is true, I need you to just follow up with that and figure out how and what they do. Also, second question. Did Will.i.am make the samurai jacket? He did. That's what I'm talking about. Yes.

If I lied on the podcast, that'd be the 500th time and I'd have to revoke my card. Right. Do you know the song Where's the Love? Yeah. Yeah. Do you like the line from Taboo when he says, chemical gases fill in the lungs of little ones? I forgot about the lyrics to that entire song until right now. Chemical gases fill in the lungs of little ones. And it's like maybe, I think, didn't they sing that at the Super Bowl?

I think that, I don't know if he said that line. You know, they did a Super Bowl show like four years ago. Yeah. I wonder if they sang that line at the Super Bowl. I hope not. They probably just sung Boom Boom Pow. Yeah, that's it. And I'm a B. If they sang that line, somebody was like, we should get Lady Gaga next year or Katy Perry because the Sharks are better than the line they just said in front of everyone. Can you imagine they go out and Super Bowl first song is the uncensored Let's Get It Started. Oh, no.

I don't condone that song. They sang it, not me. Everyone in the audience would just be like, huh. I don't remember. Wait. You sure you're sorry for party rocking? You're not sorry for this? They didn't make that song, right? That's LMFAO. That's LMFAO. What the hell do you think this is? Did you know the real meaning of- I'm so sorry, Charlie. Fuck, man. Did you know that the real meaning of party rock is in the house? No, it's about meth. No. Party rock. Party rock. Think about it, man. Party rock. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm choosing to believe you for now, but I don't know if this is one of those. That's why they did Party Rock. What else could Party Rock mean? I'm on edge just because when we had Sven on the podcast, I didn't believe him, but he told us that Johnny Depp's real name was Alan Depp.

And I didn't believe him, but then he was just like, yeah, I lied. No, he said, cause he was on, yeah, yeah, he was party rocking a little before that. Yeah, he was party rocking before the fact. So, yeah, they had party rocking. That's hilarious. They had, sorry for party rocking. Straight face said his name was Alan Depp. He said he's been just like telling those lies to his friends recently. Party rock relapse. Those are so...

Yeah. Party Rock Rehabilitation. Well, because they're such inconsequential lies. They're like, it's just funny. Because it's just like you could just say something that is wrong. Because if it's wrong and it sounds like interesting trivia, they'll share it. The way I'm talking about it makes it sound like I'm discovering lying for the first time, but I don't know how else to explain it. Because it's pathological for you. It's pathological. Very manipulative. You're lying right now pretending like

You're discovering lying, but we know this is real. Yeah, you always put on this face for the podcast. When are the walls going to drop? When's the real Ted going to come out? Once this kills you? You know how the walls are going to drop? The walls are going to drop exactly like that one scene from the Barbie Nutcracker movie when they walk up to, and Ian will know what I'm talking about because he's seen it.

where they walk up to this castle and then the castle drops forward and it was like made of, it was like a wooden wall that was pretending to be a castle. - Oh, it's like a fake castle. - And they were tricked by that and they were all shocked that it wasn't a real castle.

- And that's in the Barbie Nutcracker? Was that for a video or were you just having fun? You just having a good night? - I just remember that scene from the Barbie Nutcracker. Maybe I should watch all the Barbie movies. - I bet there's some good stuff in there. - That rank them. - I bet there's some good stuff in there. - So snails can turn into fossils, but they're not

they're dead. That's what I was wondering. You fucking said that. That's like this fucker said they could come back. And I was like, what are you talking about? I can't turn into a fossil. Why are they coming back from that? There's got to be a comma in there. There's a comma, comma, and then they come back.

No. I feel like, well, what I didn't understand is how would you fossilize yourself other than, isn't fossilizing yourself just like dying on the ground? Getting pressed between very heavy rocks. So what he's saying, what Charlie is saying is that

Snails can fossilize themselves like everything else that can be fossilized. No, no, they don't. They do not become a fossil. You know what? You guys keep going with this. I'm going to do a little bit of research here, and I'm going to come back swinging. I can fossilize myself. Can you come back? Over thousands of years under dirt and rock. Ancient mosquitoes can turn themselves into amber.

Um, wait, so actually, Ian, there's nothing about them coming back? It looks like they make really good fossils, but... That's, Ian, that's not what we're looking for here. Okay? It's like that one Pokemon. We talked about this. If you want me to pay along, you have to pay me ahead of time. No, this is real. You know the Pokemon that's, like, fossil? It's like a Pokemon card. It's a fossil. No, I don't know that one. No, I'm talking about... I don't know that one. My knowledge of Pokemon goes up to... Get in the comments. Whatever was in Sapphire, and that's pretty much all I know.

I'm talking about the cards! I don't- I didn't really fuck with the cards. What do you fuck with? Like, what do you fuck with the most right now? I don't know. Uh, I mean, lately it's been Samurai Jack and playing games. That's pretty much it. That's all I'm doing right now. I mean, I'm working on stuff, but like- What game? What game? Uh, I bought Ratchet and Clank recently. Why are you laughing? I'm laughing at him muttering snail facts to himself.

You getting anywhere? You find in an article, actually, snails can come back from being fossil. Hey, hey, by the way, I'm a snail. I'm turning into a fossil, and I'll be back.

Like what what what evolutionary function would there be to be turning into a fossil? That's the plot of Turbo the Ryan Reynolds snail movie is he raised does a race and then he fossilizes himself and everyone stops And he goes I'm back and he beats everyone There's something here I swear I feel like there would be some extraordinary evidence of a snail Thanks to a lung they have a lung

- Snails have a long, long-- - Charlie, let me ask you something right now, Charlie. Hey, Charlie, look at me. Look at me. If a snail can fossilize itself, then why aren't there like fossilized

snails from millions of years ago that are just coming back right now. They'd have to- if you went to a museum, they'd have to put it in like a cage. In a cage. Hey, just in case it comes back. We don't want them running off. You are so stupid, Charlie. You should be ashamed of yourself. How does a snail decide when? You should be ashamed of yourself. Can you imagine them? If this is-

If this is actually true, how the fucking comments after where it's like, "You three, you're fucking arrogant not knowing that snails could come back from the dead." I'm gonna be really surprised if they could, 'cause that's gonna be an extraordinary discovery. We've got Ian literally on research right now. Unless Ian's just trying to get us going and gaslighting Charlie.

It's taking him a very long time to refute this. He's got like a journal up that is like, in fact, they can fossilize themselves and come back. And to Charlie, he's like, no, it's never happened. Never once. Getting a peer-reviewed journal here.

No, don't open up a peer review journal. I'll look some stuff up too. Snail Review Journal. Snailfacts.com. Snailfacts. Snailfacts.com. Snailfacts.com. Snailfacts. I think snail actually fucks itself. It's a hermaphrodite. Turbo was a hermaphrodite in that movie. Okay. Is that what it means to be able to fuck yourself? I think so. Like you can create your own children without a mate?

Is that a thing? Where's the... Where's the... It's asexual ribbed up. Yeah, that's the thing is I didn't know it was asexual. You still gotta have two to tango even with snails. Really? So that's another incorrect snail fact from Charlie. Oh, guys, guys. Charlie, your snail run is going awful right now. Give us another snail fact, Charlie. Snails don't run. They have a foot and they crawl. And they crawl with that. Snails have a foot and a lung. Snails have a foot and a lung.

Snails do taxes, but they're not legally obligated to. They fossilize themselves for a long time. Separate tax classification for snails. Snail facts 2. Snail facts didn't have it. What page are you on right now? It's gonna be... Someone will have had to type it eventually. Somebody...

Okay, so if you just can't find a damn thing about them unfossilizing themselves, where did you learn that? No, it's regottabate. It's real. Turbo's real name? Alan Depp. That's the one. Alan Depp, also a snail. They live everywhere.

- I feel so bad. - If you had to choose, okay, I'm gonna ask, while Charlie's doing that, I'm gonna ask Eddie a question. If you had to choose one person that was like a face, like a spokesperson, such as like Chef Boyardee, that you could meet in real life. - Okay, so you're saying like a-- - Like a--

So like a brand mascot? Yeah, a brand mascot that is like a person. Not like, you can't like choose like Tony the Tiger because he's a fucking cartoon. Well, I wouldn't, I wouldn't choose KFC. I don't want to have a conversation. I don't want to have a conversation with the Colonel. The Colonel is going to say something that, he's going to say something that I don't want to hear him say. He's going to say something real strange. I don't know any history about the Colonel. So if somebody's like, I actually know a lot about him and he was fine, whatever. This is such an easy question for me. Okay. Okay.

Is he a green giant? I did ask. No, he's not real. Giant green penis? Not real. Big cock. So does it have to be a real-

Green flesh over metal endoskeleton. No, no, no. That's what the green giant is. Wally Amos from Famous Amos. You know the cookies? There you go. Wally Amos. Oh, is he the one with the cool history of building up the business, or am I thinking the wrong? I don't know. I don't remember which. I just know he's on the back of the Famous Amos packages, and I want to meet that guy. I just tell him. You did good. I would like to meet Newman.

Newman. From Newman's own. Oh, you should. He's alive still. Is he really? Yeah. I don't know. You don't know? No. Someone's shaking their head off. Is Newman alive? Paul Newman? He's fossilized himself. He fossilized. Paul Newman fossilized himself. He embalmed himself. Is Newman's own alive? Okay, the closest... What?

No, he's gonna unfossilize. Every question I'm like, I don't want to be the one guy with the opposite information. Okay, the closest thing I found to stay moist during hibernation. Paul Newman is very dead. Is that Paul Newman? Charlie! He's still talking about Charlie. He said the closest thing he found. I want to hear what the closest thing is. Thank you, Eddie. I just need someone to hear this. I don't think I'm on your side. They're all dead. They're all fossilized and they're not coming back.

To stay moist during hibernation, a snail seals its shell opening with a dry layer of mucus called an epifram. That's it? That's the closest thing to fossilizing themselves? It's actually a really short- Surrounding itself in mucus? Sort of a subsection in the article, so not really much. I want to know.

Because we all know that when we say fossilization, that is... Yeah. Like, sediment filling in the space in which the... Yeah. So... And then potentially coming back. Yeah, so I want to know how a youth believed in your heart of hearts that a snail was replacing itself with rock.

And then saying, goodbye, rock. I am now a living organism once again. I'm back. And it would still be encased in rock.

Yeah, that would be the shittiest superpower ever back. They'd be like coming back from the dead and you just buried Yeah, which surprising with turbo is also a Ryan Reynolds movie. Oh, he's in a wakes up in a coffin Yeah, I well that's I want that Jurassic Park where they go to I was like this They're like they just came back. They just knew how to they punch their way out of the rocks

You should be ashamed of yourself. I wish I could fossilize right now and come back when the studio is just covered in cobwebs and crawl out and make a new life for myself. Everyone's fucking dust. Yeah, they can't do it. It's just mucus.

I know what'll cheer you up. No. Some thick water. I don't need... You had wrong information. You must chug. That's the trick, though. That's not a rule. That's the rule. We all lie all the time. There's knowledge in there. It's what you were talking about. If you put enough thick water in yourself, you...

Keep your organs working, and then so you can kind of fossilize yourself and come back. I can create a mucus from the thick water in which to encase myself. Yeah. You just drink enough of it, and then shine like a UV light inside. What were you trying to do? Were you trying to gargle it? I was trying to gargle it, but it was like- He was trying to gargle thick water. It didn't have the consistency I expected. Yeah, it came right out. Gargle thick water? Have you tried? No. Okay. He's going for it again.

Cool. And smell. It's too thick to gargle. It just sounds... Oh, you okay? Yeah.

It just sounds like this. I know, it hadn't reached the gargle point when I tried to do it. Yeah, you weren't doing it fast enough. I love this audio. This has been a rough podcast for me, man. This has been a rough one. Episode 32 is a real rough one. Thank you for having me on, man. I really appreciate it, dude. Always gotta throw a bone sometime. I don't want some fucking yum-yum to wash it down. Did you answer the mascot question? Shit, man.

No, I don't know. So it has to be a person, like a real person, or can I meet a fake mascot? I want it to be like one that is like the mascot is a human. I would, I think I'd hit Chef Boyardee right across his mouth. He just looks like he's got his hands. You'd beat him? Just for fun. He contributed a great deal to the war effort. Yeah, but like, don't.

Did he really? Yes! Dan, look that up. No, I don't need to. He's right. What did Chef Boyardee... I'll actually want to hear more information. Okay, maybe I'll pull some punches. He converted... He fitted his spaghetti factory into a bullet-producing factory. This sounds like a good show. And he made spaghetti bullets? No, there weren't... There was no more spaghetti.

No more spaghetti. Where did it all go? That's the can is just bullets and it says no more spaghetti. Hey, hey, hey, hey. In World War II, he produced army rations. Oh. Spaghetti. I lied about the book. Okay, okay, okay. So we've got two pieces of information here. I wonder what the rations were. Was it ravioli? Was it beef ravioli? It's just a little lie, but I'm just going to need you to take just a little sip for that. Okay, so. That's a, yeah. Oh, that is congealed. Okay, so here's a little thick water for that. Don't do it. Yum, yum.

Thank you, Yum Yum Sauce. Just a sip. Just a sip. Still got some of it. So you're saying he made bullets, but he just made rations. He made rations for the war, yeah. And he got like a military award for it, and then he sold his company to something.

He also, he sold it. I think you're talking about the sales. But he stayed in the commercials because he was the chef. Yeah, you remember the commercial where the can's rolling and it rolls through Normandy? I love Chef. I love Chef.

It's the fucking Saving Private Ryan scene, but the way she can't explain it. I just said I love Chef, and then I started singing the song that plays when you're playing Mario 64 and you're going down the slide with the penguins. It sounded like the commercial to me. That's kind of what it is. Similar song, Something Sliding. I definitely, I think I'd like to see that, though, what you just described, the commercial. A war? Yeah.

War? No. Yeah, Ted would love to see you fucked up. No, no, like, shipware idea, like, you know, storming the beaches as a can. This is horribly insensitive. What? It happened. In fact, why don't you go ahead and take a sip? Don't deny that it happened. Just take a sip of the thick water, Teddy. Come on. You can't stop me. You need more thick water. Oh, there's so much again. Eddie, I think you need some thick water, bro. I'll take a sip from the cup. I don't want to be part of the chug for it. Make sure it stays on your mustache, too. Chug, chug.

It's not that bad. It actually really fucks me. It's doable. It really fucking, it fucks me. It's rough. Like in your stomach it's bad? Yeah. Or just the having to drink it? The whole situation, like I do not feel well looking at it, tasting it, knowing it. So why did you, how much, who really brought the thick water around? Whose idea was it? It was at my house from the video that we did it.

But then it's it's for this it's for dysphagia Kent precision Ian would you look up dysphagia trouble swallowing whoa he already looked it up before Nice, why did you already look that up? Well? Yeah? It was getting better told us. He's getting really good at it. Oh

I just, I understand, but my first thought for having trouble swallowing wouldn't be to make the water thicker. I get it when you think about it for a moment, but that's like, normally you'd think it would go down more difficult. Well, you're not going to make it thin already. Maybe. You're going to water it down?

Would you chug a full thing of Campbell's tomato soup? No. No. It's got six tomatoes in every can. Oh, well then that changes things. That's what I thought. Are the tomatoes circumcised? And it's great with both of these wrappers. They're biblical circumcised tomatoes. Are they blanched? I mean, they're likely blanched. We call it God's can. I'm pretty sure you actually have to blanch tomatoes in order to make tomato soup. Well, there you go.

I don't know. I wouldn't fucking know. I just can't believe there's a lot of things, you know, for our podcast that we'll just kind of leave it. And I feel like you guys are so abusing me over there. Just like any thought that comes to your mind, like tell us now. Well, because it's a new feature of the podcast. We've never been able to just get our questions answered all day.

almost immediately. - Yeah, I liked it. - The fun of it though. - I liked it before. - The fun of it is being wrong and then having people on Reddit be like, "I was in my car yelling at how wrong they were." And then you just go, "Well, I wasn't frustrated, so that's how you know."

I was in the car and on a single snail on the dashboard. Like if we didn't have Ian here, we would have just believed you this whole time. Well, you actually did until now. Until I was. And I know. And now I feel I'm the fool. Well, it's good because I mean, how many other people, if I had just said that and no one had stopped us, how many other people do you think would spread that?

Right. Oh, from just listening to the podcast? It would spread like wildfire. Because it's like, wow, that's a crazy fact. Snails can come back. Wow. It would spread like wildfire. The snails, they're back. They're back. Like that movie with the dinosaurs from the 90s. We're back. We're back. I loved We're Back. It was really dark, though. It was incredibly dark. Have you guys seen that movie? I don't know what you're talking about. It's about like a... It's a...

It's a very interesting movie. It's about a grandfather guy, some sort of wonderful old man that brings...

these dinosaurs back and these kids are friends with them and it's in New York. It brings them into New York City. New York. Why is it called We're Back? Because it's the dinosaurs. They can talk. They can talk. They can chat. They're very, very cartoony. They might sing at some point. There's a parade scene. There's definitely a parade scene. Do they sing in the parade scene? Perhaps. I think that there's a very high likelihood that they do. They sing this song, We're Back.

We're dinosaurs. And we're back. We're back in town in the city of New York. That parade? Why is it dark? Well, it's dark. The parade happens September 10th, 2001. No, it doesn't. No. No.

No, no, no, no. There's like a curse and like there's a weird, there's like a circus. Okay, so there's a- I told you after famous birthdays, you know the site that tracks birthdays? They emailed me and was like, when were you born? And I said, I don't know why. I said September 10th, 2001. And then I just, I included another sentence below that, the day before the tragedy. Did they put that in the tagline for your birthday? No, no, they didn't, but they did believe me. So-

So basically what makes it dark, this dinosaur movie, is that there's this fucking guy who runs a circus and he kidnaps these kids that the dinosaurs are friends with. And then the dinosaurs basically make a deal with the devil where they decide to...

go into this circus but for some reason and I forget why they go from like these really cartoon dinosaurs that once they're in the circus they're like realistic looking dinosaurs. They're like regular dinosaurs and not talking fun ones anymore. Yeah.

Yeah, that's kind of scary - yeah, it was really was like really sad It was very sad to watch them, but it ended well. I mean they get to be cartoons again Oh, yeah, they got to be cartoons again, and I don't remember the ending I haven't seen this movie only 15 years. Oh, yeah No, I haven't seen it like 10, but I remembered I like watched that was one of those movies where it's like again these VHS boom again again the dinosaurs have personality oh yeah, and they were and they were like

They were like can you show us just a a cover image of we're back Just put him we're back dinosaur movie. It was probably like I bet scary is one of the autofills I put it I bet if you put we're back movie s I bet I think I don't know when the fuck it was gotta be the 90s It was like one of those times where like American animation was doing pretty well, and they were back They came back much like the snails Yeah, there they are oh

Yeah, you see how each one is like its own color? Like you got the red T-Rex, you got the blue- I'd say it's more of an orange, but go ahead. Orange T-Rex, we got the purple Pterodactyl, we got the blue Triceratops, we got the green, I don't know what the fuck that guy is. Whatever the fuck that dude is. Weasel. Weirdosaurus, am I right? But then there's those kids and they're just-

Carrying him around. That reminded me, do you guys know Jarvis Johnson? Other commentary YouTuber. Very wonderful guy. Love him. I was at Universal with him and we went on the Jurassic World ride and he was in the front left of that water, you know, ride and when we got to the very bottom, the initial splash because there's a huge drop, didn't get him and then I would say like a barrel's worth of water just

at the very end of the day, it was already night time, just engulfs him. It was terrible. And I was sitting right next to him, barely hit me. - Did he have his phone and everything? - His phone was fine because I think it was in his right pocket. - Did he have his camera or something like that? - I don't think anything was ruined, but then while he was still dripping wet, we went to Margaritaville.

Oh, that's fun. They don't care there. I don't care. Nobody cares at Margaritaville. That was just like the last ride you went on before going to Margaritaville. Yeah, so it was already kind of cold. Damn, yeah. I recently went to Universal. I talked to you about that, and we went on that Jurassic World ride, and it was having some trouble that day. It got shut down for like an hour or something like that, but at one point, we were...

left for a while and we returned to the ride and we went on it and at a certain point we got stuck right at the point before the climb to the drop. So there's this dinosaur sound that's playing of like that repeats over and over and we were there for like three minutes of just the same dinosaur sound and it's like the magic is just instantly lost. But then it returns. We get it, you're back. Because once you climb up and it was part of the Jurassic Park ride, once you climb up. It gets cool, yeah.

Well, especially as you're climbing up, everything's going wrong. Chris Pratt's like, keep your hands inside the vehicle or these dinosaurs will tear your fucking shreds. Don't move. And then a velociraptor breaks down from the ceiling and is holding two wires like he's going to hot wire something. Oh, shit. And it's sparking and it's just to like scare you and it's my favorite part of any ride ever. Really? He's holding the wires together. Yeah, he's holding the wires like...

Like, ah, I got you. I'm a little engineer. I'm breaking the law. I'm an engineer because I'm smart. We're back and we're in. Yeah. And I have no idea why they did that because it's part of the Jurassic Park ride. And nope, at any point in the movies, there's a velociraptor fucking hotwire or something. I don't remember. No, but I think that just kind of falls in line with the theme of like, we're velociraptors and we're smart. And because of the one time they opened the door. That's it. Now they can hotwire things. Yeah. It's my favorite part of any ride. I cheer every time I see it. Really? Yeah, because it's the part where everything's building and then...

And then you get to just go, yeah, Velociraptor with fucking wires in his hands. Engineer Velociraptor of death. Do you have a favorite ride at Universal? Or is it just the Velociraptor with wires? The studio tour at Universal is awesome. Would you skip the rest of the Jurassic Park ride if you could just see the Velociraptor over and over? No, that ride's really cool now. They have that Indominus Rex from the new movies. They have an animatronic that's to scale that walks.

So that's cool. Oh, yeah. No, it's a cool ride now at the top of the thing, right? Yeah. Yeah, it's that one's cool There's a lot of there's a lot of cool shitty universe and it's got a good drop - it's got a solid. Yeah, it's uh It is a half more than Splash Mountain It's 1.5 times the era of the drop of Splash Mountain Really also speaking of getting stuck on a ride Gus got stuck on Splash Mountain with the fucking Splash Mountain song for like I think like 30 minutes

Which is just one of the most irritating songs you could possibly play on repeat.

We were originally going to go to Universal in this content week, but I think we're thinking about doing Disney. You guys have both been in the past couple weeks. Yeah, I haven't been to Disney. I haven't been to Disney. To Universal. Oh, well, yeah. That's why we put Disney on the table. But you recently went to Disney. Yeah, I went to Disney in June. You got any big suggestions for a Disney-goer? There's a lot of cool shit there. I mean, it's the... I would say even like...

I don't know, a lot of- or if you can nail the Rise of the Resistance ride, that thing is fucking crazy. The Star Wars one you have to like jump on a virtual Q4. Oh, I did that! It's like the craziest ride I've ever been on. And the big- the Star Wars area is so cool. Yeah, it's not like Fastpass or anything you can buy.

I don't think right now there's anything like that, but you have to jump on it. It's fucking dumb You have to jump on a virtual queue at like 7:00 a.m. And the second by the time it's like 7:00 like a.m. And three seconds it's already taken so you have to like you pull up the navel clock on somebody else's phone because that's what they go off of and Refresh it at the perfect time to get on the ride. Yeah, it's because it's so for the rise of resistance one because it's so popular and

It's cool, right? And then at one, they reset it, I think. And so Chrissy and I actually got it at one, and we were in the Star Wars area next to a big group that was like,

desperately trying to get it and we got it and they didn't and so we quickly walked away to celebrate because I didn't want to be like, fuck yeah! That's a very kind thing to do. Well yeah, they seemed really excited especially if you're in the Galaxy's Edge area. It's like those are people who are intense Star Wars fans that are trying to nail it. And I had already been on it too so I didn't want to be like, second time's the charm. They might have flown from like another part of the country and we like took that spot. There's a new...

There's a new Avengers thing. Did you see that? There was a, like before, a couple days before I went, there was a five hour wait to get in that park. And when I showed up, we just walked in.

So, did you see, like, what kind of stuff is in there? They have a really cool animatronic of Spider-Man that's like a... Oh, the one that jumps? Yeah, they, like, use, like, a slingshot to shoot this animatronic that does, like, acrobatics in the air, and it looks like he's, you know, flying. It does, like, a tuck and roll thing in the air. It gets caught in a net, so it, like, actually flies through the air and, like, does a little flip. And then there's a live actor that does flips before then and then tries to, like...

web down a building but it's got a harness because it has to be safe so it just looks like he harnesses in yeah but yeah there's a lot of cool shit to do there especially if you guys are doing a video it's there's a lot of fun stuff to like you know either make fun of or just do dumb shit

Oh, I guess we could do a video. Oh, just for fun? We were originally just going to do it for fun. Oh, cool. I know. How fucked up is that, huh? No, I mostly do that. We had a lot of those Gus and Eddie Go things we were doing, and then a lot of the time we'd go on a vacation and be like, I just want to enjoy myself. That's how it almost always is for me. It's like, I could do something. That's what I think we're going to do now is whenever we actually go somewhere for doing a show in the future, then we'll do one in that city. I think you should like...

It's it's tough to maybe you you bring someone along to like be like do the video for you guys like it's like yeah Externally not motivating in that way yeah Because I can definitely understand. It's like once you're on vacation. It's so easy to just be like on vacation Yeah, yeah, and before we were just scrapping for it now. We can afford to like hire somebody to do it in Google my net worth and

What is it? What does it actually do? Well, I mean, most of those websites... They're all wrong. I'm actually curious what they think it is. You want me to say it? Yeah. It's very accurate, of course. $1.2 million. Holy shit, Nick! Congratulations! Can you do it for all of us? What's our net worth? I'd like to know...

It's awesome knowing how much money we totally have. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, Ted, you're somewhere between three and four million dollars. What the fuck? Holy shit. What? Give it up for Ted. Give it up for Ted. Good job, guys. No, I'm pissed. I'm not applauding. God, why? That's ridiculous. What's going on? I don't have that much money. Wink. Uh, Schlatt, you, uh,

103,000. Why do I have such a high number? What the fuck? Are these all the same site? Is this the same website? Or is it just whatever comes up? Whatever comes up on Google. We'll double check that. Charlie, you are at 1.43 million.

What the fuck is going on? What did Ted do? Bruce Wayne over here. This is fucking bullshit. Wait, did you say 3 to 4 million or something? 3 to 4 million, yeah. Where the fuck is that coming from? How do they calculate it? I don't know. Maybe my ivory trade thing I got going on. Hey, Eddie, why don't we go out later and get a modest dinner? Yeah, and Ted will pay for it.

Uh, Schlatt. Yeah. Uh, don't talk to me. Hey, we'll cover the tips. Hey, you're okay. You're okay. I always wonder what is weird. I found another one. I found an updated number. 200, 200,000. Oh, you're doing it. You're doing well for yourself, man. Good job. Good job. Are these all the same website? Uh, for some reason, Schlatt is not listed on the same website as everybody else. So, okay. That is a changed factor then for why you're live.

Oh. Oh. You think that's going to get you a couple million? Let's see. So curious. Oh, it doesn't seem good. He's laughing. It doesn't seem good. Five. It went up. It did it in a very weird way, but it's 0.5 million. Oh. Nice. Was that the same website or is that still different? That's the one that everybody else is. Okay. Wow. Okay. That's...

So weird. I will say whenever we look up those for youtubers were always like that's insane that they would think that but then whenever I look it up for a major celebrity I just believe it instantly. That's very fair. And I won't change Even with my own personal experience. I'm gonna still be like this celebrity makes this much. Yeah, no, that's that's fine I wonder what set of data they used to even determine that. I will say I'll

On Eddie's photo for his net worth page, it's a photo of one of the models from his merch and not actually him. What? Whoa.

So they took the merch into account and they had me way lower still than out of my own net worth, but I mean compared to Ted's because I don't know what the fuck Ted's doing. I don't know. What did Ted do that we're not doing? It's the second photo of also not Ed. Not me. Okay, is there any photo of me on that page? No. Okay. Have you been like gambling or something? I don't want to talk about it.

It would have to be something publicly for all of us that they dipped into and didn't find. I mean, not didn't find much, but compared to Ted. I don't understand what I did to make them think that I'm fucking weird.

Richie Rich. I mean, congratulations, man. You're taking us all out. Wow. Yeah, no, I mean, I'm probably looking at houses. I'll be looking at houses tomorrow. Also, you're nowhere near Richie Rich. He had a McDonald's in his house, so let's leave it at that. Really? Richie Rich was much more wealthy. He had a McDonald's in his house? Yes, he did in the Macaulay Culkin movie. Yes, he did have a McDonald's in his house.

Yes, he did yes, he did have a don't you fucking put down the net worth of Richie Rich He's a child and he's also rich. It's in his fucking name twice. Yeah, that would not fly these days No, no a movie of a kid that's obscenely wealthy and it's just like hey everyone I'm a Cool kid, I'm a cool kid. That's like such a not like it

like late 80s, 90s kind of thing of like just like that's kind of like what Home Alone is like oh I can do whatever I want like in the period before the fucking also he's loaded in Home Alone as well they have an extremely nice house they have a very nice house actually the mom in Home Alone is suggested to be like a very successful like fashion designer well yeah also and they're also raising like

fucking like six kids too. And they're still in that house. Yeah. Well definitely even though I think it's suggested that the mom in Home Alone makes more, the dad in Home Alone has rich dad energy completely. Well both of them do because they like forgot their child at home and so I feel like that's more of a class thing. To be like we're going on vacation. We were so concerned about the vacation we forgot our child. Except it was that shithead kid's fault that they're their neighbor. They went to

Paris? That fucking kid. Yeah, he dips his head into their van and is all nosy about everything and they count him as Kevin. That kid ruined everything. That kid literally was the source of all their problems. They went to Paris for Christmas though. I forgot. It's Paris and Florida. Is Paris the first one? I think it is, right? Yeah. And then...

Yeah, no, yeah, because then they have to, like, the mom has to fly back and then get in the truck with John Candy, which I fucking love that scene. It's so funny. And I don't understand, why did they not have, like, didn't they have, like,

Any friends in town. Everyone was gone, and then also the phone lines went down. There was a little divine intervention after he gets forgotten where some wind blows and the telephone lines go down. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know that happens. Where God was like, this kid's going to suffer. This kid, you know, I got to teach him a lesson for being...

Like, the butt of the church. He didn't go to church on Easter and Christmas. But it's not even his fucking fault. It's justice for Kevin from Home Alone. Because not only is everyone in his family a dick to him, then when his mom goes to punish him, she, like, eggs him on. And she's going, like, why don't you say that you fucking hate your family? He's like, okay, I do. And she's like, you know, you're going to learn to regret that. You're going to be terrified by two adult men trying to break in the house and kill you.

I don't you know and I feel like when we were kids we saw that movie were like that'd be us no I die Those if that wasn't a comedy movie where they're stepping on nails and falling down stairs and getting hit with paint cans I

Those two would literally murder that child. If you got far enough to burn an adult's hand with your doorknob, they're gonna kill you. Oh yeah. That's about as far as you get. Unless, you know, you put a bunch of marbles in the hallway. They were gonna paint the walls with Kevin's blood if they could've. They did it, at one point they decided, like, we're gonna kill that kid. Yeah, and they say it out loud. It's in the movie. The Sticky Bandits. The Sticky Bandits. Or the Wet Bandits originally. The Wet Bandits. And then the Sticky Bandits. Yeah. One with blood. What a, yeah.

God, Home Alone, a movie. We are? Whoa. Holy shit. What the fuck? I saw it when you, it was at like a half an hour. Yeah, I was thinking that was like 20 minutes ago.

Man, I guess I'm just a great host of Chocolate Sandwich. Thank you again for having us on here. I guess we should end the episode. We've had exactly 32 great episodes, and I'm announcing this is my final one. Who are you going to have? Oh, you're leaving. Yep. I'm retiring as a host. I'm going back to my other podcast with Gus. Gus. That guy. Jesus Christ. I don't mean to pry, but do you need anyone to maybe take over after you're gone? Oh, this slot in the host? I don't think...

I feel like the fans have been saying it's kind of like a seat you can't fill. And that's fine. So I would suggest maybe keep the seat empty, keep the mic here, just so people don't get upset that you're trying to replace me in any way. I'm kind of irreplaceable. That's what I saw on Reddit. On Reddit, it's always right. Yeah, Reddit has never been wrong about anything or any suspect of the Boston bombing or anything else.

Reddit did that. They got the person wrong. Oh, boy. A seat that you can't fill. Well, the heart of the show is being ripped out now as we speak. That's unfortunate. The zest. The zest is being taken right out of the sandwich. If they want to follow the zest, where can they find it? I think I'm at Eddie Burback on everything, except for TikTok. I'm at Eddie Burback 69 because somebody took that shit. Nice. Very good. But yeah, and then also the Gus and Eddie podcast, if you guys want to listen to a different podcast.

And follow me, the host you love from this show, to a separate podcast. The zest. Any projects you've got working on right now that you want to plug? Anything in particular? I'm always occasionally putting a video out or streaming on Twitch or doing podcasts and shit. Just kind of all over. At Twitter verified and get them to verify Eddie on Twitter. It's not going to happen.

Get him to verify Eddie on Twitter. We'll see. I feel that. Yep. I feel that. It's not happening for us. They don't like us. No, they don't. I did get verified. Yeah, you were verified and then you started saying that you were the president of the United States. I started telling people that I was the president of the United States. I threatened the queen of England's life. Your hubris. Your hubris got the better of you. Maybe I won't do it again. You threatened the queen of England's life?

Oh, yeah. Didn't you just tweet out like a date? Did you tweet out a date? So let's say it better like this. They interpreted as him. They might have interpreted it as such. I don't think I did. Worrying ambiguity to a statement like that. I don't think I did. I don't think I did. But yeah, thank you for having us on. It's going to be cold. It's going to be dark. It's going to be empty without you. So we're excited for that. I agree with all those things. Eddie Burbeck, everyone. Peace out.