Charlie Slimecicle Becomes Lizard
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Hey everybody, welcome back to the Chuckle Sandwich podcast. This is the number one medical advice podcast. We're all doctors and that's not a lie. Yep, get something stuck in you, pull it out. I'm here with the two boys that are the number one boys around the town. We've got Schlatt and Charlie here today. Right here. How you guys doing? Good.

I'm feeling pretty good about this one. I'm feeling pretty good about what we've got going on here today, actually. Yeah, we had a little bit of a hiccup in the first two, but I'd say this one, it's going to be the number one podcast in the history of the podcast.

I feel really good about it. Well, Ted, I'll tell you this one thing. I mean, you started this podcast talking about medical experts. And I mean, it seems like you need to invest quite a lot of money into a degree like that, something I'm not willing to do because I just read this great book, Rich Dad, Poor Dad.

by Robert Kiyosaki. And you know, he told me that the best way to make money is to start a podcast. So that's why we do this thing. That's why I showed up on time. That's why we're here. That's why I showed up on time. When I originally went to Schlatt to get him on this podcast, he originally was very, very against it. He said, fuck you, Ted. I hate you. And honestly, you're not worth my time. And I said, Schlatt, you know, rude, first of all, but

Ted said this really meaningful thing to me. He said, Schlatt will give you 50%. And that's why I'm here. That's why I show up with a smile on my face.

So let's go. Let's continue the podcast. I'm happy to be here. While that may not be necessarily true, I did show him numbers. Trust me. I showed him spreadsheets. Yep. I showed him projections. He took me out to a nice steak dinner at Boa. I took him out to Boa Steakhouse in LA. Wrote a little number down on a napkin.

Exactly. I just kept adding zeros and every zero I saw, I saw, you know, there was this shape in Schlatt's pants that grew every time a zero was added. Waiter, another napkin, you say, as you now continue on to the second one.

Yeah, I just kept going. And I kept going until it was across a whole table. We had converted onto the floor. The napkin stretched itself all the way outside of the restaurant and into the street. And at that point, Schlepp was like, where do I sign? Exactly. There's one thing I care about, Ted, and I'm glad we're on the same page about this. Yeah. You are a money-loving motherfucker. Shungang. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. And anyone who says otherwise, you know, they don't know who they're dealing with. When it came to bringing Charlie onto the podcast, however, I went into town and I bought the cheapest dream catcher I could find and I gave it to him and he's been entertained ever since. It was a rainy day and I was under my usual bridge.

This nice man walks up to me, just dangling this little musty dreamcatcher at me. He dangles it in front of my face a little. I'm trying to grab it, and then he lures me all the way back to this podcast studio. Exactly, I lure him into it. We record the first episode. I lure him into a pre-prepared streaming room, and I sit him down, and I hang it right in front of, well, right behind, the dreamcatcher's right behind where his camera is.

And, you know, he's been entertained ever since. He's kind of like a cat.

I keep trying to catch these dreams. They just keep slipping right out of my fingers. You know, there's been a lot of rumors going around that Charlie is a cat boy. And, you know, I'm going to be the first to say here on the Chuckle Sandwich Podcast. No, I'm not going to like that. I don't like this one. I'm already not liking this one. We are continuing the downhill streak, baby, of the Chuckle Sandwich Podcast. We are never going to live up to its past greatness, and every episode is just a further and further decline. Charlie, fun fact. I actually know a guy who had a dream.

Really? Yeah. Where is he? Where is he? I think he's talking about Martin Luther King. He's dead. I know. I just wanted to hear him. He was killed. Yeah. Wow. Way to way to bring that up. You know, what do you mean? What do you mean? Who wanted to talk about his death?

You said, I know a guy. And then you said, where is he? Which is like the worst thing to say when you're talking about dead people. This podcast could not get worse until we filmed the fourth episode. Oh my God, man. Oh my God.

You know, the fourth episode, you know, there's a looming cloud. Right now we're on episode three. I'm looking forward to podcast four. There's a looming cloud over podcast four. I can see it right now. I'm looking ahead at it, and it's not looking good, folks. Imagine...

Imagine that our podcast is sort of, it's like a crashing plane and every one of our listeners, our loyal listeners are the passengers that are freaking out as we take a nosedive toward the Atlantic Ocean right now.

It's like a roller coaster until you hit the ground. That's exactly. And we're the pilots right now. And we're all, we're all wrestling each other to have control over which the pitch and yaw of the plane. Exactly. Except me, except me. I'm, I'm batting a small dream catcher hanging from the,

control. There he is. That's Catboy Charlie right there. In reality, we just got shot down by Russia. So, I mean, that's, you know, it's not really our fault. Anyways. Why do you think we got shot down by Russia, Schlatt? I don't know. You were going on and on like you usually do, Ted. Oh, no.

Anyways, we've got some topics for the podcast today. Because Slot tried to fly out of the wilderness to shoot him down. Yeah, yeah. Topic time. I'm pulling a little transition here, all right? Okay. I went on Reddit like I usually do. I have a lot of Reddit gold. I have a year-long subscription to rslashlounge because the people on that site love me. And I go to a favorite subreddit of mine, rslashwouldyourather.

But I don't browse like, you know, how they have the hot section and the new section, the top section. You can sort by, you know, today, one week, one month, all that stuff. Yeah. There's a little known section to Reddit that you can only get to if you type in the section in the URL bar. The button isn't there anymore. They took it away. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. No, you can't get to it anymore. So you have to type in. You have to append to the URL. Controversial.

Slash controversial. Then you hit enter. Controversy. This brings you to a whole new section of the Would You Rather subreddit. So I suppose we'll start out with some Would You Rathers here. From the controversial of all time, who would you rather raise from the dead? Hitler, Stalin, or Mao? Oh, God. Oh, God.

So, Oh God. Redditors didn't like this one. I can see why. Did it have any gold on that one? And it wasn't killed it? No, it had a, it had a downvote actually. Hmm. Um, that's tough because you know, I'm going to, it's tough. Why is it tough? I,

I'm going to because they are you considering bringing Hitler back? Here's what I will say. And this could be definitely considered controversial. But because of the historical context of it, I think it makes the most sense because Hitler was losing World War Two. And the reason why he died was because he killed himself.

He was going to stand trial and he was going to go to, he was either going to be, could have been, you know, executed or something. You are about to say. No, stop right there. Stop right there. Don't worry. You are about to say that you'd bring Hitler back to life. Chuckle sandwich lovers out there.

Write this down. Not only does he deserve to go to jail for all the things he's done to us, for all the bones he's broken, but now he's gone on the record and said, I, Ted Nivison, want to bring back Hitler? Oh, geez. Let me finish explaining this, though, so I don't get demonized by our audience. All right, Ted. Is because...

Mao and Stalin, they were, I felt, I feel like they, they were going to continue doing, I don't know what the whole context of how all of these leaders like lost power or when, if they died in power or something like that. I don't know what the situation with Stalin and Mao was, but I do know that those two leaders in the way that they were leading their countries, they were just starving millions and millions and millions and millions of people. And they were still in power. I'm pretty sure. Um,

I don't know. I feel like if I brought one of them back, then they would keep doing that and they would keep killing people, whereas Hitler had already been stopped. That's my logic there. But, you know, that is a fucking tough question.

You shouldn't have explained it. Ted, you shouldn't have continued because you just dug yourself into a deeper grave. I have no idea what that even means. Shlatt, Ted, I know this is hotly contested between you guys right now. So I'm going to try and take it somewhere else because I can tell that you're both really passionate about which terrible dictator you want to bring back. So let me pose you another one. Would you rather always find a bone in your meat or always find seeds in your fruit?

Seed in my fruit. I don't eat fruit. So, fucking done. You don't eat fruit? I would rather find always seeds in my fruit. Easily. Why? Explain why. Because there's already seeds in plenty of fruit. There's in apples. There are in tomatoes. As you know very well, Charlie. Do you eat seeded fruit? What? What?

What type of question even is this? This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Every apple I've ever eaten has had seeds in it, Charles. Okay, I'm rephrasing the question. You find seeds where you don't want to find them in your fruit. Most cuts of meat have bones in them. You just cut around it. Okay, say you get boneless fish.

I don't eat fish. I don't care. Okay, you find a fish bone in your burger. You find a bone in your burger. Listen, if I'm eating fruit, I'm used to being unhappy because I'm like, oh, well, I have to be healthy, and so I'm going to eat this...

Eat this apple and be all mopey. Might as well find some seeds in the fucking fruit. If I'm eating meat, I'm at a Boa Steakhouse with Ted Nivison. He's writing a little number down on a napkin that's going out the fucking door onto goddamn Hollywood Boulevard. Of course I don't want bones in there. Would you rather have seeds in your meat or bones in your fruit?

Okay, now this is a good question. Now this is what I'm talking about. This is something that, you know, if he had phrased it like this, maybe Schlapp wouldn't have sent himself into a tizzy. He's probably dizzy right now. Do you want meat seed or bone fruit?

Tell me now. I think I want meat seed. They're like the seeds you find in the orange that are like really annoying. Okay. I want meat seed because nobody wants to bite into an apple and find the bone of a fallen chicken. No one wants to bite into a banana and see the spine. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. It's like running all the way up. Can you imagine biting into a banana and there's like a fucking baby monkey spine in there? Yeah, that's not so good. That's not so good. Schlatt, what is your answer to this? Hey. Hey, guys. Sorry. Sorry, Charlie. I was just looking for all the fucks I give about that question. Can we go to the next one, please? Yeah, we can move on. Thank you. Oh, God. Holy shit.

Would you rather be a woman or be a lizard? This was, again, on the controversial section of r slash would you rather. What? What?

What would you rather be? Would you rather be a woman or be a lizard? I'd rather be a woman. Okay, so it was... You'd realize inherently in that... Don't equate. It's not an equating thing. It's just like maybe I'm really into lizards. Would you rather be a woman? So B and woman were capitalized. Or...

Or B, a lizard. And B and lizard were capitalized, and there was no punctuation at the end of the sentence. For how long? I think it's forever. I don't want to be a lizard forever. I don't think anyone wants to be a lizard forever. I guess I've got to be a woman. Would you rather be a human that has thoughts or a fucking salamander? Salamander.

78 Redditors would disagree with you, Ted. 78 Redditors were like, I screw having boobs. I would like to be a Komodo dragon and stick my tongue out every third second. I want to lay eggs and feel the cold worse. I want to have to sit in the sun in order to feel the warmth. So 78 people voted lizard. How many voted woman?

Like a lot? If you're a woman answering this question, are you also allowed to say woman or do you just automatically transform into a lizard? I'd hope most of the women who saw it would vote woman. Well, maybe it's like they're already that. So it's like you automatically shift into the lizard category. 135 Redditors wanted to be a woman and 78 wanted to be a lizard, which...

Kind of surprising. I feel like 78 is too high. I would argue that these people sound like they may already be lizards just trying to justify their cause. I'm a little surprised by the amount of people that voted for lizard. And I would go, I might say that there are people who have malicious intent on this subreddit where they vote for stuff. What makes you say that?

I feel like they want to vote for the clearly wrong choice, which is clearly lizard. There's nothing clearly wrong about it, Ted. It's a lizard. You could just really want to be a lizard. Lizards have really cool lives. Some of them run the government. Yeah, but that's when you're talking about lizard people who are not even from this planet.

How are we supposed to know that? I mean, if I could be part of the Shadow Council as a lizard person, like a reptilian... I think that that's cheating. I think you would just be a lizard. Yeah, I think that's a little bit of a cop-out slap. And I think you would just, like, eat cicadas or whatever. Well, hey, even if you were a lizard, even if you were a regular lizard, Ted... Why do you have such a kind voice on right now? Like, what is there to relate to here? Because we're getting ready. We're getting ready for your metamorphosis. I just...

This question really hit home for me because I had a pet lizard, you know, and I gave him the best life possible. I don't know where this is. Oh, are we? We're getting back to the. No, we're not getting back to anything. I'm just saying I had a pet lizard and that motherfucker lived like a king and he didn't have to get up and worry about the nine to five. Half the people who watch this shit are going to college.

Fucking paying out their ass for all their debt. They're going to get a desk job working. Fucking boss comes around. He's asking for TPS reports. Then you just fuck it, man. I wish I was a lizard, you know? No, I don't know. I wish I ate crickets. We just want to let you know here at the Chuckle Sandwich Podcast, you out there listening to this right now, you're not the only one that's had this thought. I want to be a lizard right now. Look, you just sit on a stick and...

and you get a nice heat lamp above you, and you don't really think about getting out. This is all you know. I don't think you think about much at all. You just know that the big man comes around, and he holds you sometimes, and he pets you, and he gives you food. That's God. That's your religion. That gives you faith.

And then you go to sleep every now and then. And then it wakes up and the heat lamp is back. I think the worst thing you have to worry about is when your eyes get dry. And you have to blink. Yeah, it's not like you get to choose what lizard you get to be, though. And it's not like you get to choose what sort of socioeconomic lifestyle the fucking lizard gets to have. You know? Regardless, it's a very simple life. It's a very simple life. Ted, if you only had to worry about...

If you only had to worry about finding food, you'd be... Might not be as simple for like a lizard. You'd probably enjoy it because you're probably going to be good at it. Oh, eagle. Scratch!

See ya. No. Yeah. He brings up a good point. Absolutely. 100%. You are completely disregarding the concept of predator versus prey in this little lizard fantasy that you have going on. You are going to turn into a lizard. You're going to be doing your taxes in your cubicle and you're going to get

turn into a lizard and you were going to frame one eaten by a bird because you don't know how to be a lizard. So why are we assuming, why are we assuming this, this woman is part of our society right now that, that has been constructed? And why, why are we assuming that the lizard can't be part of the society I constructed for mine? What,

What does that even mean? What if you're a hunter-gatherer woman? So you're just saying, what if I just spawn in a cave like rough? You don't get to pick. No, you're right. What if you spawned in as a woman in like 5000 BC and fucking Marcus Aurelius is coming and he's got elephants and they stomp all over you? Could I be a dinosaur? I want to be a dinosaur. Maybe. Maybe.

Maybe you could be. Well, hold the phone. This spices the question up a little bit. Hold the phone. Charlie brought up an incredibly good point right now. Would you rather be a dinosaur or stomped on by an elephant? Ted, take it away. Okay. Well, now that you're saying this, being a dinosaur might be kind of a cool thing. I might like to be a dinosaur, but there is no way in fucking...

that you were gonna catch me being under a heat lamp in a glass box for my entire life. - It sounds so fun. Ted, Ted, my parents have worked nine to fives for 40 years and their escape is literally buying a plane ticket, going down to Florida and basking under the sun doing nothing. That's literally what they enjoy, okay?

Lizards just do that all the time. Because they're cold-blooded. So? They do that because they have to or else they'll move so slow they can't go anywhere. They don't even need sunscreen. They just sit under the heat lamp and enjoy it.

And you know what? They're happy. I guarantee you my boy was happy. I guarantee it. I'm not calling into question whether or not your personal pet lizard you have had a happy life. So right now, all we've added on really is if you are Schlatt's lizard, if you happen to be Schlatt's lizard, you'll be good. Otherwise, probably frame one eaten by a large bird. I will. Just instantly...

You're a nice meal for a bird of prey. And that's not something I really want. Cool. Would you rather kill your mother or kill your father? Oh, oh.

No! The controversial one on the Reddit. Oh, no. This is bad, too, because my parents listen to this podcast occasionally. Would you rather kill... Occasionally? What? So have they listened to one or two of the episodes? You know, I've got a feeling... I don't know if they're going to make it through this one, Ted. I think this might be the... I think this might be the occasionally. Charlie, you're going to have to take it away, because I have no fucking clue. Yeah, yeah. In lizard society, traditionally...

Let's see. Does the mother or father care for the young? Is this under the assumption that we're lizards now? I'd like it to be. Oh, so we're lizards. What do lizard mothers and fathers do? Well, the mothers, I assume, lay the eggs. Okay, I guess I would scurry on over to my dad and I guess throw myself at him until he died. Jesus Christ. As a lizard. Watch out. We got Oedipus on this podcast.

You know, if I was a lizard, that is probably what I would pick if I was a lizard. Okay, now in real life, what would you do? Well, I, well... Real life, what would you do? You killing your mom or you killing your dad? Would you rather be stung by a bee a hundred times or live the remainder of your life in Newark, New Jersey? I think I'd be stung by a bee a hundred times. Me too, me too. Oh, oh yeah. I thought you were framing it like a hundred times, like...

at a rate over the rest of your life. But if it's only 100 times stung by a bee, yeah, no, fuck Newark, New Jersey.

And this is to all the people out there who are from Newark, New Jersey. Not on my goddamn life. Is 100 enough to... I think 100 at once is enough to die, probably. Okay, yeah, you're death... Okay, append this. You're deathly allergic to bees. Deathly allergic. Oh, what? The question is, live in New Jersey or die. In which case, I would still get stung by 100 bees. Well, now you're changing the rules here. 10.

Ted, just say die so we can move on. I want to do one of my questions. Just say die. Thank you. I'll die. I've got one for you. Follow up question on that. Would you rather keep your life as it is or receive a million dollars right now? But if a rat ever touches you, you instantly die. Keep my life as it is. Why is that?

Because I'm doing pretty well. You're living in filth, aren't you? You're living in filth. You got rats everywhere. No, I'm doing pretty well. I mean, I won't talk about the amount of rats that I see on a daily basis because it is staggering, but, you know. You got Stuart crawling around back there? Yeah, a little baby fucking Stuart having a

a ball. Rats don't go near you. Rats are scared of you. Rats? Yeah. Rats? But can you imagine like being in some sort of situation where you're taking out the trash one day? All it takes is one, man. That's the thing. The fact that all it takes is one. A rat isn't going to fucking touch you. Yeah, but imagine. But are you going to touch a rat? I lived my entire life in New York City watching them in the fucking subway grates. I watched a rat drag a piece of fucking pizza down the stairs of Port Authority. He doesn't want anything to do with me.

He doesn't want anything to do with me, Ted. One of these days, you're going to want that pizza too, and you're going to brush up against that rat, and you're going to instantly die. The situation that I was thinking in my mind was like, hey, you're taking the trash out someday, and out from under the...

the fucking dumpster scurries out a rat and it brushes up against you for a moment. Bullshit. You're dead. Yeah, the rat's going to run in your direction. So I would keep my life as is because with my pockets just full of these like opened granola bars, I have no doubt that if I were to walk around the city street for even more than a couple minutes, I would be absolutely covered. Yeah, a million dollars is not enough to keep you safe from any interaction with rats for the rest of your life. All it takes is one.

All it takes is a single rat and for it all to come crashing down, Schlatt. Is that what you want? True. Similar to Charlie's pockets. I mean, my pockets are already deep enough to the point where a million dollars is kind of a drop in the bucket. So...

So what if someone, but what if someone finds out, like, what if someone finds out, you know, Oh, don't fucking tell him. How about that? Maybe it comes up in casual conversation. Maybe your friend is like, this guy's doing a funny bit. He's going to die if he touches a rat. And then your friend goes out and buys a rat and throws it at you. And then you die. This is like, I can see it happening. What if you are seduced into telling someone,

Someone your weaknesses what if somebody seduces you into it and they say hey you got any problems in your life? And you what if you're filling out a job application and do you get to the weaknesses part? Yeah, and you and you and you say works too hard rats Part of the interview of a job application where you say your weaknesses you're gonna say you're gonna say too much and if I get touched by a rat

And then you shake the business owner's hand and collapse dead. Because the business owner is a giant rat in disguise. Capitalism strikes again. He's a fucking dirty rat bastard. That's what he is. Okay, this one I think is really, really fun. This was one I thought of actually during the week, and I thought of it again when I was writing these down for the podcast.

If you had super strength, but only when picking up one object, what object would you choose? So everything else, you're just totally regular. But whatever object you pick, you can hurl however far you want. You can pick up however many you want. But only that one object. What object? Women.

I'm going to say cars. Okay. Why? I'm going to say... Because if I ever get pissed one day and I'm on a standoff with the cops outside of the Bank of America...

You know, I can just see the car and I just start throwing cars like they're like they're tennis balls. That is a pretty scary implication. Yeah. Like imagine walking anywhere that there's traffic and you want to cause a commotion and you've reached the end of your ropes and you're pissed off. Dude, there is nothing stopping you. You could just start you could just start like juggling them in the air. Just imagine you'd use your superpower to commit acts of terror.

That's what it sounds like. Not so surprising from a guy who would bring back Hitler. But let me say also, you get stuck in traffic, you step outside of the car, pick it up, carry it like a pizza. You're set. Easy peasy. True. Ted wasn't thinking of traffic, though. He's just thinking about killing people. The follow-up here, what did you pick, Schlatt? Women. Yeah. Pick them up. What practical use could this have whatsoever? Sex. Sex.

You're at like a bar. You pick up women. Oh. I mean, I think usually they mean. Oh, this is a. It's a pick up woman. Without fail. Every single time you can just pick them up real easy. I thought it was going to be a little more than that. Take them back to the pad. Okay. All right. I need to think of an answer quick to get out of that. Charlie, you better think of an answer. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

Let's how about how about there's a building count as an object. I guess yeah buildings would count I'm thinking purely in terms of destructive power right now. What if I what if I said container? I guess container is as as General as building for sure. I'd like to pick objects The object I would like to pick up is object lock it in lock it in baby pick up things

It says this shouldn't really be that hard. Houses. I want to pick up houses. There you go. And then I could go into real estate. You could flip them. That's the joke, boys. What's the next question? Rich dad, poor dad, baby. Very liberal interpretations of these would-you-rathers. Next question on the controversial section. Would you rather eat your arm or someone's arm? Someone's arm.

Someone's arm. I would eat someone's arm. I would eat Schlatt's arm, actually. They added to the post in parentheses, you won't feel pain while removing your arm. And then in another set of parentheses, they said, you don't have to eat it in one go. Yeah.

You can prepare it like cook or something. That doesn't help the question at all. It doesn't actually change anything about it. My problem is not the taste of my arm. It's not having an arm. I think that he's adding a bunch of really good points here. But I think a lot of them are really, I think he's really trying to get people to eat their own fucking arm.

Does the arm belong to someone else, living or dead? Can I pick if they're living or dead or not? I'm sorry, he didn't add a third parenthesis to explain. Yeah, Charlie, he didn't add that. Okay, well, so then first I would eat.

Then I would eat my own arm. You'd eat your... What? You would eat your own arm? I don't want to eat someone... If someone else is alive, I'm not going to eat their arm. That would be stupid. What if you ate the arm of someone that's in a coma or something? Well, the good news is my arms grow back, so I'm going to eat my arm. Oh, because he picked lizard. I get it. I get it. He picked lizard, so his arms grow back. What if you chose someone that, like...

I don't know, didn't want their arms or something. What if you chose an extremely arm-phobic person? Yeah, or someone that's got like, oh, I want you to eat my arm. That's my fetish. I want you guys to really think about what you're saying right now. Then I could get someone to pay me to eat their arm for them. And I'd make money and I would be free of not having to eat my own arm. What if you found someone that was paralyzed

from the weight from the neck down. You just say, don't mind me? They just sat there. Well, either way, they wouldn't feel anything because I think the parenthesis says that you wouldn't feel pain. I assume that would apply to the other person's arm that you're eating. No, no, they didn't specify that. You won't feel pain while removing your arm, but the other person, I'm assuming...

We'll feel pain. We'll feel a lot of pain. Again, I'd eat my own arm unless I could take a more liberal, unless I could take a look. Cause I don't want to eat someone else's arm. You just find someone who won't, who doesn't care that much. Yeah. Do some research, Charlie for Dan. Go on Craigslist. Fine.

Fine. Okay, Google, who doesn't want their arms? I guarantee you someone's been on TikTok scrolling through those videos. It's probably a TikTok trend. It's probably a TikTok trend. Scrolling through videos of those people with the robot arms that are getting millions of likes. And they're like, oh, well, someone eat my arm. I just found an article from QZ. New research shows there's a good reason why some people want to cut off their healthy arms and legs. That article was written by someone who really wants arms.

Yeah. This article is more than two years old. That article was written by someone who was forced to make this choice. They're just coping. Not to be very, very specific here, but...

There is a fetish. Okay, have fun with that. Pot-temnophilia is a fetish where people, there's a sexual desire to be an amputee. Oh, I don't like this. I don't like going down this hole. I can't imagine, like, ever expressing that to anyone. You can only live out that fantasy a couple times before it gets really rough. Yeah.

Yeah, no. Because once you come, I'm sure the post-nut regret is... The post-nut clarity of not having an arm? Yeah, that would be rough. It's pretty rough on that. Yeah, you have four redemptions of that fetish before you're in trouble. I will say, in terms of the actual question that was asked, there you go. There you go. There's a person, there are people out there who want to have their arms eaten off, and it's...

And it seems like, you know, case closed. Charlie, you shouldn't feel so bad about it now. You shouldn't feel bad. Don't feel bad about it. Don't feel bad. Yeah, don't feel bad. They want their arm. They want their arm to be gone. Okay, fine. I'll eat their arm if you guys say so. That's what I'm talking about. I knew it wasn't okay. Maybe it's not such a big deal after all. Hey, any listeners of the podcast, send us an email.

We'll get Charlie over. Yeah, we'll get Charlie set up, ready to eat, ready to munch down. He'll bring some ketchup. I'm going to just unhinge my jaw. I'll bring some ketchup. He'll bring some everyday seasoning. Ted is going to lure me over with the dream catcher and put the dream catcher above your shoulder, where then I'll be forced to devour.

power your arm to reach it little did you know that charlie the reason why charlie followed the dream catcher not only was because he's interested in the dream catcher but he also has an insatiable hunger for dream catchers i can't stop it's like putting a carrot like a carrot in front of a guinea pig or something all right give us another would you rather that's all i have i i've compiled all the ones that i'd like to talk about so well thank god okay i've got a couple others

Would you rather never take fall damage or no longer need to breathe? Never take fall damage. Easily for me.

Fall damage, of course. Would you rather never take fall damage or what? Oh, or never need to breathe. Fall damage. Oh, fall damage for sure. Fall damage. Woo! That's what I'm saying, boys. Okay, I want to absolutely launch myself out of a cannon in GTA Ragdoll. That is the perfect superpower for Charlie, who has said in the past that he would like to be launched. I know!

I really like the idea of the no fall damage thing because of how it relates to being able to jump into bodies of water. Because when you jump over a body of water at a certain point, eventually it just becomes like asphalt. So it would be awesome to be able to like...

I don't know. Like, imagine there's like, um. Would you just skip like a fucking stone? Like, is that what would happen? Maybe. If you come at it at an, oh yeah, imagine that. Imagine skydiving down and then you kind of come in at an angle with a little wingsuit. You swoop into the sea and then see how many you can get. Yeah. And then you just go.

That'd be great. You could also, I would totally like ask to meet people on the rooftop all the time. And then jump off just to. Just, just to like at the end when they like look behind you, I'm like, they know we're here. And I like point behind them. And then I just like. That would, that would mentally scar so many people. They'd think that you'd have just killed yourself. Well, no, because they'd see me, they'd see me bouncing over the skyline.

They'd see my rubber body like just arcing over the fucking sunset. Like, oh, I guess he's fine. So are we made of rubber? Is that the idea or is it just like... So I guess this is just really what I want more so than how it's phrased. But would you... I mean, it's like, would you rather land in the... Like, would you rather do a cool superhero shockwave or would you rather just like bounce like one of those strongman figures? The like rubber ones.

Okay, I see. I get it. Here's a would you rather that I've got. Would you rather be able to teleport or always have a minimum of $25 in your wallet? So like whenever you spend money on something, that amount of money respawns back in your wallet. Teleport easily. Easily, easily, easily. That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, Ted. I didn't think of it. Teleport or always have $25 in my wallet?

Okay, Mr. Moneybags. To be fair, if you set up a vacuum cleaner into your wallet and always had it running. That would be cool. That's a laundering scheme. You're laundering money. Okay, fine. I would like to teleport, though, because I do enjoy... Have you ever seen the movie Jumper? I know of the movie. It's definitely called Jumper. Yeah, it's a thing where a guy is able to...

He's able to teleport anywhere on the planet Earth, like, as long as he can have a visual of it in his mind. So, like, if you get a photo of something, or if you've been there in your past, like, you have a memory of it, then you can go there, which I think is pretty fucking cool. And I think it's a cool limit on the ability to teleport, because if, like, there was, in the movie, there was a thing that happened where, like, if they were...

they would like a fucking electrocute this guy. So he wouldn't be able to teleport because he couldn't focus on like the image of it in his brain. And I think that's a pretty good limit. I imagine a room full of beautiful women.

No, it has to exist. It has to exist. You're telling me it doesn't exist? I'm sure it exists at some point, but it has to be a specific place. That's fucked up, man. That's fucked up. I'm talking about like a photo of like, I don't know, the Eiffel Tower. It's like, that's a place that exists that you can go to. That's lame. But not like... I'm picturing a closet chock full of lizards. I want to go there. Do you have any more would-you-rathers, Charlie? I do.

Would you rather instantly teleport into a room full of hot women or a closet chock full of lizards? Lizards. What? You're the one who thought of the woman thing. I know. And then you're just like, nope. Charlie said something better. This podcast has consistently been women versus lizards. I don't know why.

Okay, I think I actually have one. I actually have real ones. I actually do. Yeah, I do. I do. I do. This is actually an interesting one. I want to hear what you guys think. Would you rather learn everything a hundred times faster or instantly master 100 things? Can you repeat one more time? Would you rather learn everything a hundred times faster or instantly master 100 things? I'd master the art of learning things. Okay.

Oh, I see what he's saying. Yeah, he's wishing for more wishes. I'd get good at learning things. I would probably want to learn 100 times faster because I don't think that... I feel like as you age, you kind of become interested in different things over time. And I wouldn't be able to determine 100 things that I would want to know really well for the rest of my life. I mean, I suppose it'd be really cool to just be able to...

on the spot, just learn up to like, I could throw in like 30 languages and then like a bunch of other shit, like guitar, a bunch of instruments. But yeah, no, I think, I think a hundred times faster would be cool because especially because you would be able to,

you would have a lot of fluidity in, in your ability to like have jobs and stuff. I feel like you could pick anything up and also you wouldn't get super fucking bored, which I feel like is important. That's fair. Personally, personally, I would actually just to, just to kind of play it out. Cause usually I would hit, um, I would, I would choose learn everything a hundred times faster, but I've actually thought of something interesting. I was, I was for a second, like, do I even know a hundred things? I,

And I started thinking about things I would want to be able to do. You know, play guitar, you know, draw better. Yeah, because we know that Charlie's a terrible drawer. Have scales, big tongue, probably. Stop, stop it, stop it. Be really small. Be in a closet full of lizards. Sit under a nice heat lamp. Son of a bitch. He's done it again. He's done it again. He's done it again.

It always comes back. Can we put a little listing out for new members, Ted? Yeah, a little. We'll put up a... All you got to do is move the dream catcher away from my desk and I'll be off the show. Charlie, would you rather stop talking about lizards... Or what? Or we put up a glass door application thing for new podcast members. Hmm.

How about this? Would you rather always be on the cusp of a sneeze you couldn't sneeze or have an itch you could never scratch? Oh, Jesus, man. It's terrible. It's a terrible...

I'd rather have neither of them. Wow, that's incredible, Schlatt. It's almost like you're completely ignoring the point of this exercise. I guess itch. Yeah, itch, because when you're about to sneeze, your body just shuts down. Oh, that'd be... You just walk around with one finger up at all times. Just like...

You're about to. I think that an itch would probably be better for sure, because then I feel like at a certain point you can learn to be okay with that feeling. Yeah. When you die, does the sneeze release? Hey, get this. Your itch is in your arm. Would you rather eat your arm or someone's arm? I guess I eat my arm. There you go. Slatt, you just led him to the same answer that he gave us last time. I have an itch.

You do? To lay eggs and lay under a nice, big, warm heat lamp. Well, hold on. If you had the itch in your arm and it only goes away if you eat your own arm or someone else's arm. No, no, no. I think it's in your... Like, the itch doesn't go away in your arm if you eat someone else's arm. You just have an itchy arm and also you ate an arm. Oh, well, that's just... There's no advantage to that. Yeah, then you'd eat the arm.

Would you rather rotate your nose or your ass 90 degrees? Does that mean that you have to poop up? Nose. Nose. It does mean you have a hamburger ass. No, dude. You wouldn't even be able to walk. You'd just be... Every step you took, dude, that'd be terrible. Nose. You got those patties, bro. Oh, God. It would make it easier to twerk.

Would it though? Yeah, it would. Okay, you know, you would twerk like one of those hand slapper toys. Exactly. And that would be very attractive to have. I think I would look really good. I think that I would make a lot of money that way. The hamburger twerker. Ham twerker. Someone would be into it, man. Just like this people out there who want to cut their arms off. Yeah. Would you rather be four inches tall or 20 feet tall? 20 feet tall. Four inches.

You'd rather be four inches tall. Schlatt, Charlie, engage. You'd be big. I could crawl in your nose and stop you. No. Stop him from being big? You couldn't get up there. What does that mean? You're instantly assuming that Schlatt's doing nefarious things by saying I'm going to crawl up your nose and stop you.

He's 20 feet tall by like literally there is very few ways to he's going to accidentally commit so many problems. Oh, you don't get to stop me. Listen, there's nothing wrong with the fact that I'm big. And the fact that you're just trying to stop me makes makes me think you're jealous of me. I'm not. You're 20 feet tall. I mean, he's got a good point there, Charlie. I have like four years left to live. Well, especially, Charlie, if you're four inches tall, you're definitely gonna be jealous of the guy who's 20 feet tall. Exactly.

I picture it more as Shadow of the Colossus. Oh, so you think that you're going to do a fucking Shadow of the Colossus, Dark Souls fight with Black? I think I have to find his weak points. And also, also, four inches is about the average size of a lizard.

Shlatt, don't respond to that. No, no, no, no. But to answer honestly, to answer honestly, I think 20 feet tall sounds dangerous. Four inches tall sounds like you could be in this whole new world. Like, whoa, you know, now I gotta, everything's bigger now. Rats are my friends and also my horses. Oh, God. Yeah, except I mount the rat and then instantly fall and die. Stop talking to me about rats.

I think that's the biggest advantage of being four inches tall is that rats are now horses. Come on. That would be pretty cool. And then I would ride one up to Schlatt and leap it into him and it would brush against his ankle and he would die. So it comes back around. Yeah, that's fair. The giant toppled. Okay, here's a good one. Oh, would you rather donate $1,000 to a charity that stands for values you oppose or take $1,000 from a charity that stands for values you support? People who run the charities are taking money from it anyways, Ted.

I guess, okay, that's pretty fair. That's a very realist way to look at it. You know, that's, okay, this is actually kind of a hard one. I guess I would give it to a cause I don't support. Okay. Depending. Okay. I don't want to take money from a cause that I support. Because, like, what if it's a cause that doesn't even get enough traction as is? I don't want to put them back further. Well, you can pick. Would you rather, okay, here's one. Would you rather sweat pus or sweat blood? I guess I'd sweat blood.

Yeah, I'd probably sweat blood too. Puss is gross. Yeah, no, it's pretty overwhelmingly on the blood side. Would it be my blood? What if you run out of blood? Let's just say that whatever the material is coming out of you, it comes from this nebulous dimension. Okay, okay. That's important because I don't want to finish a race.

and just be like, it's like husk. Yeah, but, but, but, but, but, but, if I can, like, just like go outside or something or like get really hot and just like run at people and like freak them out a little. Ah, I'm covered in blood. Is that how you would approach her? No, no, no, no. There's someone I really want to scare. I see someone I really want to scare and I just start like running in place like really, really fast. I'm like, I

Gotta get it going. Look at me. I'm covered in blood. And then they go, ew, dude. Leave me alone. And then you feel dumb. It might even be better then to sweat pus then. I don't think so. Can you imagine running up to someone and just be dripping in pus?

- Ew, stop it! - This is awful, this is fucking awful. - But think about it, think about it. But genuinely, genuinely, Charlie, come on, give me a chance here. Just think about it. People see blood much more often than they see pus in such large amounts. So if you get that much pus coming off of you, that's pretty... - Again, Ted is thinking of ways to just inflict horror onto people. - Create torment for other people.

He literally just, you're just going to sit in a fridge all day while like finding your next target. And then you're just going to go out into the summer sun and fucking puss up like running down the street. Okay, fine. Puss in boots, motherfucker. Here's another one that's less bloody and less bloody.

And I want to add the context at the beginning of this that you're not entirely well off. Would you rather win $100K or have your best friend win a million dollars? Best friend win a million dollars. Easy. So easy. Why?

No. 'Cause I think my best friend deserves a million dollars. I don't know, it just seems like- But money changes people, what if your best friend just turns into a piece of shit, doesn't give you a lick of it? Why would I care? I got eggs to tend to. Eggs?! Oh my fucking god, he's on the fucking lizards again, Ted! He's on the lizards again! Oh no!

uh dream cats or lizard bitch boy would you rather be uh punched in the face every day at an indiscriminate time like you don't know when it's gonna happen to you or once a year you get shot in the foot so every day you get fucking socked in the face and you don't know when it's gonna happen it's a surprise sock or once a year you get shot in the foot do i know when i get shot in the foot

No. What's the first one? Every day, you at a random time, and you don't know what's going to happen, you get fucking socked in the face. Shoot me in the foot.

Yeah, I'll clock in a clock into my to my yearly foot shooting. I don't care. Yeah, but you don't know when it is. So like it could be like December. It could be December 31st and then January 1st. Well, then I'll consider that a lucky a lucky break because my foot's already in pain from getting shot the previous day. That's a good thing. OK, Charlie, what do you think? You know, at first I was really on the get shot in the foot side. Right.

Yeah. But then I started, I'm just thinking in terms of fear level. I'm also assuming it's you doing this like you usually do. Yeah, no, this is me hiding in the shadows in a cloak of darkness coming out of nowhere. Me smiling maniacally, punch you in the face. Would be scarier if you always knew that you were going to get shot in the foot or always knew that you were going to get punched in the face that same day. I guess I'd pick shot in the foot because when it's done, it's done. Yeah. Getting punched in the face is like, that's like such a hassle. You know what I mean?

Yeah, no, that is definitely. But there is the possibility that maybe you get shot in the foot one day and then you cross over the year mark and you get shot in the foot the next day, but then you don't get shot for another. Yeah, I brought that up already. I brought that up. Yeah, he did. He did bring that up. He did just bring that up. He brought it up. He brought it up, by the way. He should listen a little bit. Deep in thought. Okay. What's your would you rather? Would you rather have unlimited bacon, but no more games? Yes.

for games, unlimited games, and no games. - Completely incomprehensible. That was so nothing. - What? - That was absolutely nothing. - You'd rather have unlimited bacon?

You don't know what you're talking about right now. Unlimited bacon. You are off the rails. But no more games. No more games. Are you reading off of something? Where is this coming from? Games. Unlimited games. What? But no games. Why are you committing to it? Why aren't you clarifying?

Would you rather have three bacon in no game? Or one game in 30 bacon? How many bacons will you need before you lose all your games? I pick the games. Bacon's fine, but I don't like want a ton of it. You know what I'd pick? Unlimited bacon.

Cause that way next week we can have another chuckle sandwich podcast. Wow. Before we end though, Charlie, you got to give your final. Would you rather, would you rather expand a one inch every day upwards? Or would you rather, um, widen every day? One inch horizontally. Oh, Oh, you'd have, you'd have a couple days either way before you can't do anything either direction.

At a certain point you can't go through doors, and at another certain point you can't go through doors. You gotta pick one. Doors are gonna be out of sight pretty soon anyway. You'd be gone by March. By December you just become a thin blanket over the world. A thin blanket over the world. You'd become a space elevator if you choose the tall one. You really would.

People just like make ropes climb around you. Time to bring planking back, you say, as you fall forward, destroying the universe. Holy shit. I'd like to go to the moon. So I'm going to choose being tall every day because whenever I don't have enough breath, I'll just bend over, get some more from the atmosphere and then stand up.

Dude, can you imagine how fucking terrifying it would be to see that thing bend over? Oh my god. Just like fully like a protractor just come down. And you hear in the distance, you hear like, oh, Ted's bending over and you hear the fucking like nuclear sirens. You hear like a distant like whale sound as you're like coming down. And you look in the distance, it's like one of those videos like from a video camera of like this ominous thing just going...

Just turning over. The fucking like siren head found footage. Yeah, exactly. But being wide, I imagine it's, oh man, it's like. I picture just in Photoshop, like you're just stretching horizontally. Yeah, I suppose. Like what are the physical limitations of that? Because wouldn't you end up touching yourself on the other side of the world?

You... I don't think you're gonna be alive for that long. Eventually, your corpse will just become like a Saturn's ring around the planet. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you assuming that the growing does not stop after you die or ever? That's what I'm assuming, yeah.

It's a curse on your body, on your corporeal form. Oh, shit. My God, dude. Oh, all right. Well, that was a good one, Charlie. Oh, well, I think that's a pretty good one to end it on. Yes. Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of the Patronal Panacea with Podcast. I hope you enjoyed our very high-level medical advice. We're all medical doctors. Yep. And we went to school for it. So, appreciate you. Good job, Ted. Catch you out in the fields. Don't step on the eggs. Thanks, guys. Bye-bye.