Answering Our Fans Deepest Conspiracies
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With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Only on Peacock. What happened to me? I don't know. Is that Sharpie? It looks like there's something smeared all over your ten fingers there. There's something smeared all over my hand.

What the hell? I don't know, man. This is why it sucks to be a lefty because you write anything you write with a pencil. Yeah. It smudges all over your hand and you die earlier. That's, I mean, that, that is an issue with, with, with people who are left-handed, you know? You're in the soggy biscuit circle and you're doing it with the left hand and all of a sudden you're bumping elbows with the guy next to you because everyone else is a righty. Yeah. It sucks, man. There's only like, what is it? Like,

11% of the world is left-handed? Yeah, something terrible like that. We need more people like me in the world, I think. People, what does that mean? People like me, you know, with the same kind of values. Values? Left-handed values? Yeah. What are some left-handed, give me some left-handed values. Believes in capitalism. Believes in capitalism. Okay, that's one.

Believes in the power of the free market. Power of the free market? The efficacy of trickle-down economics. Okay. And really just wants to see Donald Trump in office. Jesus. For a second time. Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich.

What's up Chucklers? For this episode, I gave Ted and Schlatt their own challenges completely separate to the Speakpipe, okay? Neither of them know of the other one's challenge. They don't know that there are challenges, but I told Ted

Here's a challenge, dude. You gotta get the numbers one through 30 into this episode without Schlatt catching on to the bit. So you gotta say one, you gotta say 10, 19. He's gotta say the number out loud, all of them. And for Schlatt, we gave him a list. We'll post it right here. 10 Gen Alpha slang words. He's gotta fit into the conversation without Ted catching on. Neither one of them know about the other's challenge.

And they have to do it over the course of the Speak Back episode. All right. Enjoy, Chucklers. Schlatt, it seems that you've got your favorite shirt on. It's got a classic 9. It's got a classic 11 and a good old 2001 there, baby. I've been thinking a lot about 9-11 recently. I think we should do a charity drive for it. You know, we raise some money for 9-11. Yeah. Like...

Like we could do like a memorial shirt, like a remembrance shirt. Uh-huh. Shirt with the towers or something, you know? Oh, yeah. And then we give like a percentage of the money to 9-11. Those two big towers. We love them. Yeah. Yeah. Why did the guy who owned the building take out a sizable insurance policy the day before? Is that true? Yeah. Like was it related to the...

To the buildings? I'm sure he'd say it wasn't. I'm sure that he would. Yeah, Tucker, how true is that? That's completely true. Everything you hear is true. That doesn't seem right. No, this is true, man. This is a true conspiracy. There is also they were trying to do something with the budget, or they were doing the audit of the defense, and they were missing like $2 trillion. Oh, yeah, they lost $2 trillion off the balance. It came out like the day or two before. What? What?

Yeah, you've never heard this? No. Yeah, it came out the U.S. government was missing $2 trillion, and then a day or two later, the planes hit the towers. People weren't talking about that $2 trillion anymore. Well, but at the end of the day, surely that's a conspiracy. But, no, it's real, dude. Surely that's a conspiracy of some sort. No, I don't think it's a conspiracy. Really? I think those are cold hard facts, dude. Really? I think it's wrong to call something that...

Disinformation. 20 years. Wait, what was that thing that said 20 years after something? 20 years after 9-11. Antisemitic conspiracy. Still exists. Wow. 20 years. It has been a while, hasn't it? It's been 23, right? It has been a while. It's kind of scary that most people on the Internet and most people who watch this show probably don't remember that day. Oh, geez.

Do you remember that day? Of course I do. I was in a doctor's office when the first plane hit. You remember? Yeah. You were, what, when were you born? You were born in- That was my first memory. 1999. Yeah. Yeah.

My first memory, my first real memory, that's when I turned on. That's when? It was 9-11 is what... Dude, it was like... The moment those twin towers got hitched, I was like, just game conscious. It just showed up. There was a camera on me and it did like a parallax zoom right when the tower hit. I went...

little tiny schlatt wow yeah that's when i turned on and then my second my second memory ever is the poopy corner the poopy corner where you go to do your your little your little i went to shit every time um how long would you how long would you be placed in the poopy corner five minutes oh i wouldn't get placed there i'd crawl there that was my own little corner i that was not like uh that was my thing i wasn't placed there oh

Oh, it was very quick too. It was maybe, maybe 45 seconds in the poopy corner was all I needed. Oh, okay. Maybe that's where you find out if your kid's going to be an introvert or an extrovert is whether they hide the shit, their diaper, or if they're just going randomly. And you know, some say in the parental circles that when the kid hides the poopy diaper, that's a bit of a conspiracy that children hold in their youth.

The kid's got a conspiracy going on in his fucking diaper right now. Conspiracies follow us throughout our whole lives, Schlatt. Yeah, I'm going to dump a little conspiracy after this episode, if you know what I'm saying. I'm going to dump some deep state conspiracies in the toilet later. But today on Chuckle Sandwich...

We asked you guys on SpeakPipe to send in your conspiracies, and we're going to read them today on this episode of SpeakPipe Chuckle Sandwich. Yeah. Welcome. Yay. I got like a sunburn. Can I ask you something? What? What the fuck do you have an Apple Watch Ultra for? Are you hiking? What are you doing? I do. You planning on hiking ever soon? You're going to go up to Mount Rainier tomorrow? I went on a hike the other day.

I went on a hike the other day, and also, this thing's got an SOS. It's like it'll survive. I mean, realistically, an Apple Watch is not the kind of watch you want to take with you into the woods, because if you're gone, if it runs out of battery after three days, and then it'll still keep working. It'll tell you the time on, like,

emergency battery for like maybe 10 days. Trust me. I've tried this because I just always forget to charge it. So I'm just like, how long, how much juice can I get out of this thing to just tell me the time if I hold the power button for five seconds? Um, no, but other than that, I don't know if I have too many rights for this slap. I like it though, because it keeps track of, um, it keeps track of, of how much calories I'm burning. Um,

being around the house yeah sitting down yeah sitting down you know it bothers me after an hour every day and it's like you gotta stand up you gotta stand oh i hate that i hate that you gotta stand i stopped i bought an apple watch a couple years ago and i i wore it like one day because it's it was just like hey you've been sitting down for too long shut the fuck up dude i i bought you

You boss of me? Yeah. That's what I say. Once these things start to control us, I think we've got about, you know, I think we've got about a week, you know, seven days before the world just kind of fucking collapses, dude. Do you listen to it when it tells you to stand up? Sometimes. I think if someone listens to that shit, they're going to be first to fucking fall.

Really? They will be first against the wall, bro. When that AI shit comes that you just complete pushovers. You're fucking your, your, your metal box tells you to stand up. Oh, okay. Yeah. I mean, but what if I had like an AI girlfriend in there? Short shorts, jump scare, dude. Yeah. Sorry. Like what if I had an AI girlfriend in there that was just like, Ted, you have four seconds to stand up or I'm going to, uh, I'm going to break up with you.

Depends. Does she get her fucking tits out? Does she get her tits out? Ted, I'm going to take my tits out of you. Stand up, dude. I'd be fucking. Yeah, I'd be standing up. I'd be standing up big time. Big time. Big time too. Um, so Tucker, how was, how many do you have for us today? You've got like what? Eight, eight speak pipes. Eight. No, we have like five, 15 plus. Oh, silly me. Some are short, some are long. Uh,

I'd say, let's just say half are conspiracies and the other half are filling in the gaps. Oh, okay. Because people, all right, this is a message to the viewers, the listeners, right?

You guys are dumb because you guys will watch an episode from four, five, six months ago and we're at the end of the episode. Ted's like, oh, give us your best relationship advice ideas. And you guys submit one today, four hours ago. Four hours ago, someone's like, my relationship advice that I need. And it's like,

We've done three SpeakPipe episodes since that submission. Yeah, and that episode was maybe... And the thing is, too, they're not even responding to the episode that was that SpeakPipe. They're responding to the SpeakPipe episode before that when we brought it up. And here's the thing. Yeah.

This announcement isn't going to take effect for months because those people are still months behind. Yeah. Yeah. So they're just clogging the inventory. Yeah, they are. And it's really just it's and it's really just, you know, it's really just only your problem, Tucker. It's exclusively. It's an exclusive Tucker based problem. I'm sorting through these for an hour at a time and I'm getting like maybe three good. How do you think we have in there? Like six thousand?

We have like four gigabytes. Six to six thousand? Which I bet is thousands, tens of thousands. We got four gigabytes of Chuckle Sandwich user data? Yeah, yeah, like the four gigabytes of just audio, which is an obscene amount of audio.

Yeah, dude. A lot of these are like five seconds. Someone's just like, nah. And it's like... Yeah, somebody's having a bad day and they're like... I'll give you an example. I'll give you an example right here. This is what I'm sorting through right here. What? That's it? That's like a good percentage of this shit.

What did he say? I'm going to put my finger in this box thing and then it started farting? Box fan. He put his finger in a fan. Oh. Dude, he fingered a fan? Gross, dude. Guys, stop fingering fans for our podcast, please. We don't want to hear you fingering fans. Yeah, come on. Let's be a little real here, you know? Start singing something cool. Start singing something for us, like 12 Days of Christmas, you know? You know? That's a good song.

You don't like that one? No, that's not making the cut. Sorry, that's not making the cut into my Christmas album. Really? 12 Days of Christmas. It's so repetitive. Like, come on. Very repetitive song. We got to make a new song. We got to make a new song called like 13 Days of Christmas or something like that. You know what I mean? So it'd be the first 12 all the same and then like 20 minutes into the song when you reveal the 13th day, it's something new? Yeah, it's like a surprise song.

There's a 13th day. It's like we're moving Christmas out. And then we're like, surprise, there's actually 14 days to Christmas. Oh, you know. So it's like it's like seven seconds of new content. Yeah. No, no. Well, that's what it would be incredibly long. That's got to be like that's got to be like a 16 or 17 minute song.

I know, but I'm saying like... Because of how many times you've repeated over and over again. But the first 12 remain unchanged. So you go down the list of stuff that has been said already. Oh. The only new part is the 13th day, and then you get a couple seconds of that. Damn. Yeah, that's what I'm saying, man. You got to get with the real Christmas classics, you know? You know a little Ben Crosby White Christmas, 1947 edition? Dreaming of a wife.

Christmas. Okay, Tucker. So fucking... Do you want a really good one? Yeah, well, explain your sort of your thought process. Like, you know, you're an advanced person. You've got a different set of criteria. I'm an advanced person. Tucker's got at least 18 different criteria. You know? Tucker's... While the merry bells keep ringing. All right.

You gotta listen to this. Happy holiday to you. It is June. It is June. Tucker's got a set of like 18 theories. It's the holiday season. Okay. And Santa Claus is coming round to every good girl and good little... Wait, what? Whoa, that would turn into a family guy.

Turn it into Seth MacFarlane for a second. Timmy is an average kid, but no one understands. How would you rank that show? Oh, pretty high, but I think I would rank the theme song higher than the show itself. Bingo. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. Classic theme song. I don't remember a single episode. Yeah, that's actually pretty accurate.

I couldn't tell you the plot of any episode. No. There was the one where he wanted to be normal and he turned into the little blob. And everyone turned into the little blob. Everyone was normal. Like everyone was equal. I don't remember that. You don't? Tiger, you remember that? No. Don't remember that. No, I don't remember that. He looked like a ghost. Like a little weird blob ghost. Oh, wait. All I remember is that stupid poof, baby. Controversial edition. Controversial edition. Controversial name. Why would they? Like, that's a hate crime today. You can't be calling anything poof.

Kidding me?

Think about how many gay people would get upset. Yeah, dude. I'm just trying to be an ally, you know? Yeah, no, I trust that. Why aren't we listening to the conspiracies? Because I just wanted to know what Tucker's like. I told you that Tucker had 18 theses. He's got a set of 18 criteria. All right, Chucklers, this episode of Chuckle Sandwich is brought to you by Acorns. Ted, I don't know if you remember the last episode we did, but according to your horoscope, buddy...

Uh, you enjoy paying bills and managing money. Well, the truth of the matter is, Schlatt, I actually do not like to do that at all. That is not something I like to do. I figured. I figured. That's why we don't look at horoscopes. And you know why, Schlatt? Why? Investing can often feel very intimidating, and a lot of people, they don't know where to start.

Well, lucky for you, Ted, that's where Acorns comes in. Oh, do tell, Schlatt, do tell. Acorns makes it easy to start automatically saving and investing in your future. You don't need a lot of money or expertise to invest with Acorns. In fact, you can get started with just some spare change. Oh,

Oh yeah, I know what you're talking about, Schlatt. You know, Acorns. Yeah, dude. It recommends an expert built portfolio that fits you and your money goals, then automatically invest your money for you. Personally, I put off investing for probably longer than I, actually definitely longer than I should have because I had no idea where to start. I kind of wish I had known about Acorns when I started out because I might've started investing much sooner.

acorns.com slash chuckle or download the Acorns app to start saving and investing in your future today. Paid non-client endorsement. Compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns. Investing involves risk. Acorns Advisors, LLC, and SEC registered investment advisor. View important disclosures at acorns.com slash chuckle. Thanks Acorns for sponsoring today's episode. Now back to it.

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Go to your happy price, Priceline. Here's a good one. I'm going to give you a good one, and this one is definitely, I think it's going to tickle Ted's fancy. Okay. All right. This is Frank. The Sphinx is not where the knowledge is at. Let me explain. So, two words for you guys that may shock you. Chaos Emerald.

And there ain't no chaos emeralds inside the Sphinx, okay? What you really need to be looking toward is the seven wonders of the world, you know, seven chaos emeralds. The pyramids. Seven wonders. So what you guys really should be looking toward, you know, if you guys sort of need a refresh of the seven wonders. The pyramids. The Colosseum, the Great Wall of China, the Taj Mahal. You're like this one. Christ the Redeemer. Right.

Machu Picchu, the Chichen Itza, and the Petra. Pause. Pause. The fucking pyramids are one of the wonders of the world, you dumb fuck. They are. They definitely are of the seven wonders. Why didn't he mention them? What's this bullshit? Is the Sphinx one of the seven wonders? The pyramids are right next to the Sphinx. How many wonders are there? I feel like there's more than seven. They're right next to each other. This is fucking stupid. There's so many wonderful things, too, like in the world, too. They should make it like the 15 wonders of the world, you know?

What? It's not up to us. Come on, man. You go to New York City and you look at the M&M store and you're like, that's not one of the wonders of the world. I'm going to drop a fucking eighth wonder of the world after this episode in the toilet. Jesus Christ. Yeah, no, there are a bunch of things that probably should be. Well, they have like the modern wonders of the world, you know, the modern marvels, right? Oh, that was a good show on History Channel. I never saw that.

I never saw it. No. Let me show you this. Modern Marvels, dude. That was like a living room staple right there. So wait, what was this guy's point, though? I kind of passed out a little bit mentally. I don't know. Who the fuck? Oh, yeah. We paused it early. We paused. Yeah. I want to hear what his point is, like what his conspiracy is here. What's the thesis? Yeah. So you guys, you need to stop looking at the Sphinx and

and start looking at the seven wonders because that's where you'll find the knowledge. That's where the true knowledge is at. The things have just been diverging this whole time to draw you away from what they really don't want you to find about. So just fly Tucker out to each one of the seven wonders. Have him go peruse through the depths of each of the seven wonders. Why don't we send Tucker to peruse? We just put Tucker in one of those British...

one of those British hard caps, you know, from like the 1900s, you know, the 1920s. Like old wooden ship over to Egypt. I'd love to see Tucker do all these, all these places just by himself too. You know? Yeah. That would be cool. It'd be like, you'd be like a, on the, on the ground correspondent for us, you know?

50 people come up to you right at the pyramids trying to sell you shit. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. Official business. No, thank you. No, thank you. I've heard it's pretty good. They're knocking on the windows and they're trying to tell you that you need to get a ticket for where they're standing. Yeah. Or they're like, I'll show you a tour of the pyramids. Here it is. Look. Do they do that? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Of course. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, they need some... But do you want to hear something crazy? Because I was looking into this and don't worry about it. Like, imagine if I stopped there. Spit it out. What's going on? You're not allowed to have drones. They're illegal. Drones are illegal in Egypt. Yeah, no shit. What? No shit. Because they put one down under the Sphinx and the pyramids and they saw another door, Ted. And they never went through it. Did you know that the Sphinx has a tail? What are they keeping in that tail?

That's what I'm saying. I don't know. Perhaps. Perhaps. Some shungite, maybe. You know, 20 to 30 different pieces of information that will change your life forever from BuzzFeed. What is that? What is this? It was a BuzzFeed joke. It was simply a BuzzFeed joke, Schlatt. What are you talking about? I'm sorry. I thought you liked knowledge. What's going on?

I was just saying. Why are you two laughing? Have you not seen the... That made no sense. That made no sense. Sorry, man. All right. Just fucking move on. No, no, no. Explain what that was. Explain the reasoning. Because... Because that was just a complete non sequitur to me. I have no idea why you said that. Because you like knowledge. And I was... You know how BuzzFeed does the lists? Uh-huh.

And I was like, the pieces of knowledge. It was a bad joke. And now I'm embarrassed. What do you mean? The pieces of 20 to 30 pieces of knowledge? That didn't even make sense. What was the joke? The top 10 things you need to bring with you on a vacation to Peru. 20 to 30 pieces of knowledge you get from the Sphinx. Do you not understand what I'm talking about? No. How do you not get this? Have you been on BuzzFeed in 2009? No. No.

I was playing Clash of Clans in 2009, dude. They do lists. I wasn't going on BuzzFeed. What, you think I was doing like the are you gay quiz? Can I, what was the final point of what this guy was saying? The knowledge, the Sphinx is a distraction. The knowledge lies in the seven wonders.

Okay, so walk five feet to the left of the Sphinx, you dumb fuck. What's this kid's name? Frank? Frank. Of course it'd come from a Frank. You fucking idiot, dude. You didn't even sound like a Frank. He does not sound like a Frank. He sounds like a Gertrude. Yeah. Sure. Jeez. Jeez. So that was the best one, Tucker?

Okay, I thought that was a really good one. I thought it was good. It kind of upset Schlatt. It did a little bit.

It did. No, whatever the fuck Ted said upset me. It didn't make any sense, dude. It was like a joke that like did not land so badly for Schlatt that he got genuinely upset with me and then started to... I'm just giggling to myself and Schlatt's like, Schlatt's like, no, what the fuck was that joke supposed to mean, you bastard? No, because you... No, because what happened, Ted, is you were like looking, you were like...

It's like you fucking read it off of somewhere. What? Bro, when you said that, you were looking at your second monitor and you said, man, that's kind of like 20 to 30 pieces of knowledge. Like what? That's how he plays Age of Empires, dude. Maybe I spaced out. Is this scripted? The episode? The episode? Every single word I'm saying. Am I not in on it? Every single word I'm saying?

I don't know. I don't know what is going on with you right now. Slat's tripping. You're like, this is like strange. What is happening? Are you okay? He didn't do his hair today. He didn't.

Look, I'll do this. I'll do this. You'll get a nice piece of it. I wish I had something to like make this work for you, Schlapp. I wish I had a Kubo in the background or something that I could be. Something, yeah, bro. I wish I could reach over here and just be like I was just looking at a Kubo or something and I have like the other color of Kubo for you. Today something's not working for me. Yeah, I guess not. Today something's not working for me. Would you wake up upside down this morning? No, I didn't. I woke up in Ohio.

Did you actually? No, no, no. I'm in New York. I'm in New York. Okay. Let me see. You know that shit's crazy in Ohio, you know? Oh, they don't have food there. You know about that? No, they got that dog slop. That dog slop? Oh, they do have that dog slop, dude.

I've met two separate people that I have talked to or sorry, shot. I've met two separate people that I have. There he goes. He's reading off the fucking script. I've met two separate people that I've spoken to about the, uh, skyline chili and I'll refer to it as Cincinnati dog slop and they'll know exactly what I'm talking about. Like immediately without delay. Yeah.

Surely you've seen it. We've talked about Cincinnati dog slop. I don't think so. I don't think I've heard of it. Look up Cincinnati dog slop. I don't know. Okay, I will. We'll see if that actually does it. Let's see if Google knows. Dude, it's like pretty close. Is that it? Yeah, that's it. Wow, that's pretty accurate. So it really is kind of called it. Look here, Skyline Chili. Look at that. Oh.

Oh, geez. It's actually pretty good. I was really hesitant. I was a picky eater. Dude. So this isn't looking good. Skyland chili has to be like the most fucking 1940s depression food kind of like solution to a problem. They convinced poor people that this was tasty. Damn.

Yeah. And they bought it. What do we got? Well, we got spaghetti. We got cheese. We got some pinto beans and some oyster crackers lying around. So let's see how it works. That sounds a little delicious. You would like it, I think. Yeah. You got to get it fresh. Fresh. Yeah. Do a little Phantom tax on that, you know? Yeah. Get a little. Ooh. Who is Phantom? It's a streamer, right?

What? Wasn't it a streamer? What is the phantom tax? I think it's when you eat someone, you like take a bite of food or something. You like steal someone's food. No, that's when you look at your plate and it's like there's less on it. Oh, like when Chipotle doesn't give you enough. Yes, yes. So that's the phantom tax. Okay. The phantom tax. Phantom tax? Is it phantom tax or phantom like Spectre?

Oh, yeah. Phantom Tax is the food you steal from your kid's meal or snack. A member of streamer Kai Sinat's AMP influencer group. What's he calling it with Jen? What does Kai Sinat have to do with anything? Well, he's a member of streamer Kai Sinat's AMP influencer group. There's a phantom and amp? Tucker, don't go watching Kai Sinat right now, dude. Sorry, sorry. He's playing Elden Ring. Yeah.

Kyson has a phantom in his streaming group? No, he's got a phantom. He's got a phantom there, dude. We should probably rock another speak pipe. Yeah, we should probably listen to another speak pipe. We're getting distracted. Here we go. This is Orion. I actually had a classmate named Orion.

We're talking about conspiracy theories. This is my alley. High fucker, fed and fat. Okay. Fuck you, bitch. Okay, so my conspiracy theory that I fully believe is true is that Helen Keller was not real. Okay? I just don't think she was real. Okay. Do you know that she flew a plane? No.

I don't think I could fly a plane. I don't think that Schlatt could fly a plane. Okay, I could fly a plane. But I don't think someone who was blind and deaf since they were like 14 months old could fly a plane. How would she even know what a plane was?

Like, how would she even know she was in a plane? Did she fly a plane? I mean, like, I just don't understand how she would even know where she was. I feel like she'd be like, oh my god, the earth is moving. Like, she wouldn't even know she was in the air. How would she even know the concept of air? Like, I just, like, how would she know the concept of language? Pause. Pause this. What the fuck? Okay. Okay.

Can I read this out? Read it out. In 1946, Keller and a companion traveled to Europe to speak on behalf of the American Foundation for the Overseas Blind. It was during this flight that Keller took control of the plane. Interviews with the pilot and crew reveal an incredibly confident woman flying a plane steadily and calmly. She's blind and deaf. That's bullshit.

That's bullshit. No, that doesn't... Okay, I might be on the same page as this girl. That does not compute to me. That she was able to fly it? How do you even communicate to a deaf and blind person the concept of flight and...

and like the spatial awareness to even understand what's going on like i imagine if i was deaf blind and also semi mute i think if she was um i would get they would put those in my hand the the the yoke for the plane and i would just be like

would the first thing i would do i'd start moving around trying to get a feeling of it so we're going straight into the ground we're just going we're just diving dude and then even if she starts fucking it up how are you gonna tell her to stop you're like helen helen pull up pull up i can't hear any of the warnings i just called her it

Yeah, no, they just. Oh, man. She somehow locks the pilots out of the cockpit. She's the only one in there. That's another thing. How'd she get in the cockpit? I think they brought her in. Where the pilots just, they were like, you know, Helen Keller is on this plane right now. Hey, get her up here. Get her up here. Let's get her behind the wheel. The fuck is that even? Dude, no, no, no. I'm on the same page. I don't think that's a real person, though. You think you could fly a plane, though, Schlatt?

I think if I needed to, yeah, I could figure it out. Wait, how old are you now? 24. You're 24. Okay. Well, you can't, you're not even old enough to rent a car properly. What do you mean? Did you be 25 for that? Yeah. Most companies. Yeah. They charge you extra. You get charged extra, dude. I'm worth many million dollars. I don't.

i haven't looked at the price of anything in years if i'm being honest with you that's because your frontal lobe hasn't developed that's what happens when you turn 25 and then you just you you you just turn on remember that last time you took one that was there's two times your brain turns on one when the towers hit 9 11. 9 11. and two when you turn 25 or in my case 26 and you just and i'm like i gotta

Do I have all my stuff for my taxes? Do I get all my stuff for my taxes together? And the answer is no. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Taxes. Dude, I got a letter from them recently saying you owe us like, yeah, I owe them tens of thousands of dollars. Oh. So those loopholes aren't working as well as you thought they would be? Yeah. Those loopholes you were telling me about?

Those, and I quote, flawless loopholes those stupid yanks will never understand. As if you weren't born in the U.S. You're calling the IRS yanks? It's a little weird. Not my problem. Not my problem. Fuck Helen Keller. Fuck her. Yeah. I'll say it. I'm not afraid to say that. Fuck her. I mean, when was she born? When did she even die? When was she alive? Let's take a look at this.

Wait, she was alive in 1946? Whoa. Yikes. 1880 to 1968. She lived to 87. She died in the 60s? She lived to 87? She died in the 60s? She was an author, dude. I think that's red flag number one. She wrote a book. She was born June 27th, 1880.

No. 1880. That doesn't make any sense. No, I think it's more. Was she just faking it for content? She was definitely real. They have photos of they have plenty of photos of her. She is appearing in content. She was kind of like in it. Why they make her head so big in that book. Now, that's a thing.

Funny story, my dad got me two of these books for Christmas. I opened them up. My nine-year-old sister's sitting across from me. I was like, are these for her or something?

It was really awkward. My dad was like, oh, no, I thought you would like them. I was like, oh, okay. I think these are for kids who don't know about history. And you knew who Helen Keller was? Well, no, it wasn't about Helen Keller. This was this year. He got you these this year? Yeah, it's kind of a joke. But I didn't realize. I opened it and I was like, oh. I was like, oh, I think this is for Helen.

And he was like, oh, no, those are for you. And I was like, I can read. I can read. I can read. And I know who Stephen Hawking was. I can read books with hundreds of words. It was two books. One of them was Stephen Hawking and the other one, I can't remember the other one. But I was like, okay, I can read and I know who these people are.

so i don't know what the joke was dad yeah it's an interesting moment from from your father he just thought you were like a idiot i don't know just trying to get you educated on things i don't know so wait what was the main point of this original conspirator though she wasn't real

Oh, that she never existed in the first place. We're only halfway through the conspiracy, too, but I bet it's just going to be her fucking babbling on again. Yeah, let's hear that. Like what even was because like if you're literally walking around blind and deaf and you've never experienced like someone talking to you or saying anything like how are you going to know what language is? I'm sorry. It's like teaching a mouse what language is.

No, they taught her how to speak by they so she'd put her fingers in her companion's mouth. I thought she touched her neck. Was it insertion? No, insertion's a new level of intimacy. Yeah. Do you want to finish this off or do you want to move to the other one? Yeah, I want to hear what they have to say. I want to hear them out. They've been selected. What? How did you do that?

And if you go and like, it's a good question. Like read her book. She says that like running her hands underwater made her learn English. And that's how she learned English. Um, no, I'm sorry. I just, I don't think that's true. I run my hands underwater all the time and I haven't learned like Spanish yet. Okay. Like,

I just don't, I don't think that she was real. And you know, even if she was, I think that like, she was just making it up. Like, I just think like she lied about it one day and then she was like, oh shit, I got to keep this going. Like, how do you lie if you're deaf and blind though? Thanks. I think, okay. I think she could probably communicate in some ways, but she had a very good PR team.

Yeah. You know, like they were just, you know, I think that if you're from the 1800s, there is definitely an argument to be made about lying in these scenarios. Yeah, they could. There's a really big argument for that in the in the age of tonics and when they use cocaine. Yeah. You know, this is we're talking about a lady who came from a time where she's like, which is like, oh, you got a headache. Have some meth.

You know? Yeah. Yeah. It's true. It's true. Yeah. She just flew the plane. She knew what she was doing. Yeah. My wife was yapping so much. So we gave her some heroin. Like, you know, it's a little days. You got all. Yeah. We got to get back to that. Ted, do you want one that comes at you a little hard? I want something that comes at me. Okay. Here we go. Here. Here's Ren.

Hello, my name is Ren. I use they them and I'm going to try to keep this quick and I'm gonna try to say this without sounding like a parasocial lunatic. So, um, Ted Nivison, you're cool. I'm not gonna like try to like headcanon you or anything because that's weird. You're a human person. I've seen people do that with like YouTubers all the time and it's just, it's weird. Um, but I am going to say in another universe,

You are absolutely bisexual. Not in this one. You say you're straight. I trust that. You are straight. I'm not going to be like...

I can say that you There's probably like like five reincarnations of you in a parallel universe that are The one that missed

Like, like, this is, like, when Miles Morales. The one that missed. I'm the odd one out, huh? You're, like, in the spider-verse. And it's, like, when Miles Morales says that he has a dad and, like, all the other spider people, like, beat him up. You go to, like, the Ted-verse and you're, like, yeah, guys, I'm actually straight. And all the other bisexual Teds just, like, start beating the shit out of me.

I don't think that if there's a Tedverse that it's going to be surrounded around the fact that we're all bisexual. I feel like that's going to be a pretty small factor in the larger asset of a Tedverse. Bye. No, it does surprise me that you don't like cuck.

Because sometimes there could be, never mind. No, no. Explain that to me. No, you stepped on that stone, Indiana Jones. Now it's time to deal with the... I'll walk that one back, okay? That's probably the craziest speak pipe that's ever been directed at me I've ever heard is that essentially a person saying...

That they don't believe that this universe has traded me right in the sense that I am not bisexual. That is, that's a way. Bisexual people have more fun, I bet.

They have every... The sample size for them is everybody, you know? And so I think most of them would say, hey, yeah, I mean, this is... Straight people did get the short end of the stick. Or gay people. It's like...

It's just a weird phrase for someone to say. It's like, Ted, there's millions of alternate universes, but in maybe like this one and like 21, 22 other alternate universes, like this, these are the ones you don't suck cock.

on occasion that's like a weird that's a weird angle to come at where you know whether you know and i'm not saying this sucking cock is bad i know many of the people in the world there's nothing wrong with taking nothing wrong plenty of people partaking in in the i know plenty of people who suck cock some people like him circumcised some people like him uncircumcised who cares uncircumcised all the way um but uh yeah no tucker that was just looks better that was it

That was an interesting one. That was a real interesting one, Tucker. I thought you liked that. What's great, too, is that, like, Tucker must have heard other really parasocial ones like that over his journey that, like, were just so bad that he couldn't include them. Well, Ren left three back-to-back-to-back. Just talking about how bisexual I should be? No, no, they're all different, but this was the best one. Oh, okay. What was the other one that I was... I think that Schlatt should be, like...

I think that Schlatt should be in like I'm trying to think of something like crazy I think that Schlatt should be like It's kind of lame that you had to say like oh I'm trying to think of something No no I think Schlatt should be like a furry I think that in every universe but this one Schlatt's a furry That's like the same thing I could actually see that It'd be cat based though

No, would not be cat based. No, no. He'd be a big goat man. He'd be a big goat man. Furries are, yeah. I mean, no one, there's no cat furries. He already has a fursona. He's a goat man. He likes to eat cans.

Let's go to Carlos Saddle. I love how Tucker can just like lock in. All right, man. I don't even know what speak pipe category this falls under, but I'm not going to dawdle with this one. All right. Daudle? People glitch a lot. People say shit that we're not even thinking, you know, we're not thinking of. We stutter. We do spoonerisms. Spoonerisms? He's bringing in a lot of new words. Yeah.

Um, it happens. I don't understand why we're designed like that. It's stupid, but it happens. Anyways, um, me and my mom and my grandma, we would leave church to go to, uh, lunch and we would usually like try to get in just before the rush, uh, just before that big after church rush. And we went to Jim and Nick's and we got in just in time. It's a real thing. Just before the rush. Oh, it's big, Ryan. And behind us was this really big family that was coming in, you know, preceding the rush, uh,

And they had everybody, kids, middle-aged crisis adults, and of course the fucking old people. And I remember distinctly that this one old woman looked really fragile and was using a walker.

She looks like papier-mâché. We left at about the same time as them, so because I'm a normal person, I held the door open for them. And they didn't regard me at all. They walked out in a single file line. But at the end of it was, of course, the old lady in the walker. And she was very sweet to me. She thanked me for holding the door open. She called me a handsome young man. And I opened my mouth with the full intention of saying, oh, it's no problem. You're welcome. Have a nice day. Some amalgamation of all that.

And out came Rest in Peace. What? Isn't that great? What's the conspiracy there? No, there was no conspiracy. Oh, you just liked that one? Yeah, I briefed you guys at the beginning. I said there's only about half of them are conspiracies. Oh, I forgot. I forgot I was totally ready for this one to be a conspiracy one. No, it was just funny that he told the old lady Rest in Peace before she died. She didn't die.

Did she die? No, she didn't die. Did he kill her afterwards? Was there any update posts or anything? No. Damn it, dude. Why was bro using all those fancy words? He was. Amalgamation, dawdling, a lot of really... He was mogging us with that fucking vocabulary right there. He was getting mogged a little bit, yeah. Blood was mogging us. That was fucking crazy.

Great story, I guess. I don't know. Maybe I should have said, hey, this is just a funny one. Yeah, you got to warn us. I feel like I had you guys on the line, but then you guys kind of just spit out the hook. Well, I thought it was going to be a conspiracy, you know? Yeah, no, I was listening for like the... I think it was on the line, and then it was like, it landed with a punchline where we were expecting a conspiracy. So we got confused. Yeah, no, I...

I'll take the fall for that one, guys. You short-circuited us, dude. Yeah, I did. Carlos, that was a great story, but... He's like, you're like, Pat, like he's walking out disappointed right now of the room. Like, you brought him in, you're like, this isn't Carlos. He's got something really important to tell you. Yeah, he's like, Carlos, hey, I'll get you a beer once we get out of here.

That's my fault, buddy. Oh, that's funny. Give us another conspiracy. I want to hear some conspirating. Okay, here's one from Cherry. Hello, Tat and Shled and Tucker. My conspiracy theory is that Taylor Swift is not a real person. She's a persona created by the government to distract us and have people have a more common enemy than the government and to

get more tax dollars by people going to her tours and listening to her music. And she's just completely AI generated. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Taylor's not real, dude. She's not real. A lot of people out there. Go ahead, Schlant. No. Okay. Well, I got a whole, I got a,

Well, a lot of people out there would be afraid to say things about Taylor Swift because she's grown in power. She's grown. She has minions. She's got like fucking 20 million fucking little Twitter people running around. They're scary. They're probably more dangerous than the barbs at this point. And the barbs are pretty dangerous. Do you agree, Sean? What's that? The barbs? You don't know what the barbs are? Like, uh... Like...

Like the little razor wire things on the top of prison fences? No, not like that. Like Nicki Minaj stands. They're called barbs? Dude, the barbs. Why are they called that? I don't know. Something about Barbie, I think. Oh, okay. I didn't know that. They're dangerous. But I do know the Taylor Swift ones are like crazy because it's like they're all like...

The the way they behave is like the best friend, like the crazy best friend of a girl. Yeah. And that girl is Taylor Swift. And they're like, no, you're not going to talk to my best friend that way. I'll kill you. Fuck you. Let's get out of here, Taylor. You know, and that's like an army of people on Twitter. She was definitely incubated.

Like maybe they didn't grow her in a lab. Oh, yeah. But once the life form was there, yeah, she was incubated. She's like if you had a bearded dragon, you hold the little heat lamp above them and they just suck up all the UV and the heat and they don't do any. Sometimes when it gets a little too hot, they'll go like this.

And that's their indicator to you that it's too much or are they just trying to like let the steam off? Well, that means they're regulating their temperature. Oh. They're blowing off steam in a way. Oh. And so maybe Taylor has something that she does that is like a tell. Yeah. Like, oh, she's being incubated right now. I think that Taylor Swift is someone very clearly has always existed in the fame world.

You know, like her whole existence, like she doesn't know anything but that, which is like weird because like when we were kids, fucking you belong with me. That's coming out. You know, she wears short skirts. I wear T-shirts. That's coming out. She's 34, 34 years. Really? I thought she was like fucking 29 or something.

No, she's been at it for a while. Yeah. No kids. No kids at 34. 5'11", dude. That's kind of intimidating. $1.3 billion, but not one kid. Damn. Single.

Single? No, she's not single. Well, she's got that football guy on the side, but they're not married. She's got that jock. Yeah, that fucking jock. Travis Kelsey, dude. That is really what she's doing. She's being the cheerleader girl with the guy on the football field. No, well, she's literally in the bleachers, dude. She's not the cheerleader.

She's in the bleachers. She's there. She's on the bleachers. They're the final evolution of the cheerleader and the jock. That's like as good as it gets at the top of the pyramid. Without a doubt, dude. Like that is like, because she's, I mean, yeah, no, she's got like, she definitely has like a private nuke.

or something you know if there's any pop star that i'm almost 100 sure has a private nuke and she's got like lucious saving it for travi too you know that when he ends that she's gonna be like she's gonna be like are you sure because i've got little i've got my i got a i've got both keys to the briefcase for a little travi and there's a reason why i named it after you

you know little trappy yeah i'm thinking like she uses the same naming conventions that we did back in 1945 she's got little trappy and yeah and who's the big one who's the big one yeah well she's got two nukes uh big tay big tay big oh taylor little traveling little trappy and big tay tay

They're each like, and they're not big deal. They're not big deal nukes, though. No, they're not. They're like 8 to 10 kilotons. Little boys. 8 to 10 kilotons, something like that. 8 to 10 kilotons? Like somewhere in that range. Something reasonable. Something within my price range, at least, when it comes to nukes. What are you doing? I think you're doing something again.

Buying a new? No, because no. Well, hold on. Well, no, I'm freaking out. I'm freaking out, bro. You okay? I'm freaking out. I think you're like doing something. That's so vague. Because, well, it was the BuzzFeed shit where you said 20 to 30 factoids and then you just threw out eight to 10 factoids.

I mean, it could be five to ten. I don't know. You really don't like ranges. You're just saying, well, I don't know. You don't like a range. I don't. Maybe I don't. Okay, fine. Ten kilotons. Let's keep it solid. I'm itchy right now. Yeah, let's keep it solid. Ten kilotons, dude. Ten kilotons. Okay. Tucker, can you look that up? How much would ten kilotons go for on the black market, deep state, something? Wait, what? They actually have these numbers?

Okay, here we go. This is from CNBC. How much a nuclear weapon costs? North Korea's nuclear spending is at 1.1 to 3.2 billion. That's not that bad. Taylor definitely makes that much. Maybe not. How much does she work? 1.3. Yeah. How much? Oh, we just told you. What?

1.3 billion. Oh, we just saw this. Oh, yeah. 1.3 billion. So she's like in the range. If she spent everything that she's worth one year, she could have one good year of a nuclear program. That's pretty good.

She'd be like launching little missiles over Japan. Taylor Swift has launched another one. The US has recently announced sanctions against Taylor after she launched. Oh, here you go. Ready for this, Schlatt? Three to five nuclear missiles over Japan. No, stop. Stop, dude. Stop.

I don't think you, you know, I think it is. I don't think you like the uncertainty of it. I think you're, you're, you're very clear cut. You need, you need, you need accuracy. You want the accuracy of reporting. I like being accurate about things. I do. $1.3 billion. I mean, that's crazy. She's definitely real. She's definitely real, guys. I don't think Taylor Swift is like a psyop, but I sure think that

She's been incubated and they're probably incubating her right now. Maybe that's what they do to her when she's not on stage. Maybe she goes in the incubation chamber. You know, I think that she is. What? I think that she is the creation of Madame Tussauds. I think Madame Tussauds took all of her wax figures and just put them in one big vat.

And then had like a scoop. She was like Pinocchio, like she was Frappacelli or whatever his name was. And what? Pulling him into a mold. And then out came Taylor Swift. It was like the perfect, the most like this is our celebrity that we're going to use. This is the best one. This is like the this is a little Tennessee creature.

Tennessee creature. That's what she is. Let's do another. Let's do another. Let's do another. Shlatt, you smoke cigarettes, right? Yeah. Here's Schmongus Plong. Juggle sandwich, dude. Oh, fuck, man. I love chuckling, dude. Oh, man. What's up, gang? Nice. Thank you. My conspiracy theory is I don't actually think cigarettes are addicting.

I think it's all in our heads that they're meant to be. So we then become addicted to it. I don't think it's actually addictive. I don't think there's any sort of, what the fuck is this nicotine shit they're talking about, man? You fucking serious, dude? Get out of here. The addictive substance? It's not real, man. You're telling me some made up word is going to get me hooked onto this shit for the rest of my life? Get fucked, bro. This isn't real, dude. This isn't real life.

I think that big marketing... Tucker, are you trying to tell me that most of these speedpipes are just people saying that things aren't real? ...intruded into our brains that smirking is addicting. No, most of them aren't even cohesive. And that's my thing. That's my thing for you right now. I can tell, dude. Now you say what you think. So this guy's whole thing is that he just thinks it's in our head. Because it is. Because nicotine isn't an addictive substance.

That affects your brain. No, no, no. He's saying nicotine doesn't exist. He says because of the marketing. The marketing. Well, I'll give him that. They've convinced you it's addictive. They were... Those ads back in the day went hard as fuck. They're toasted. They're great. Which ads? The pro or the anti? The pro. Like the... Yeah. What the fuck? What? You think I was like... The anti-smoking ads went hard too. I was like, man, that's a good one. What?

I'm 80 years old. I'm going to die. Yeah, those ones are scary. You think that was really getting me hooked on them? Well, I think it was convincing us that it was addicting. They never show you people...

stuff from cigars though. Something along the way cigars felt like they kind of missed. They didn't get involved. They were the kid doing the most damage on the playground but they didn't get pulled aside by the teacher and they're just like, okay, I'm just going to keep doing my thing. They flew under the radar. Cigars are cool as fuck, dude. Cool as fuck. I just bought us some. Oh, nice. For next week. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you like that? I do like that. Are they big, fat ones? Sucking on a stogie. I smoke my stogie wherever I want. Oh, man. Oh, that's a good video. Next time, we should have a chuckle cigar episode. Okay, okay. That's a fun one. And we all get little smokers jackets. We could do a little intro, too, where you go and you pick them out. Maybe Schlatt shows us. He picks them out. Schlatt, do you have a preference for one?

Some Cubans, maybe? Yeah, everyone wants the Cubans, dude. Well, of course. Everyone wants the Cubans. They're the best. You can get them now, too, because there's no phantom tax anymore on Cuban imports. Thank God. The one good thing Obama did. Was that Obama? Yeah. Yes, sir. Nice one, Barack.

Nice one, Barry. What else do we got? Another conspiracy? Another conspiracy. Sure. Here's a conspiracy from Allie. Hello, Medmucker and Matt. My conspiracy theory is about the afterlife. I'm an atheist, so I don't really belong to a certain religion. Unlike other religions, Christianity, Buddhism, whatever you believe in, I don't really care. Listen, Angela.

They believe heaven, hell, just you go somewhere after you die. Reincarnation. I think when you die, you're dead. There's nothing after that. Blank void, not even. You're gone. Nothing happens. That's it. No going back. No life after that. No more life. That's a conspiracy? Nada. My history teacher told me this was cynical. Tell me if it is or if

I have a right to believe in this. Also, the pyramids hold knowledge. You can believe in whatever the fuck you want. Doesn't make you smart. Yeah. This doesn't sound like a conspiracy to me. Girl's going to spend her whole life, her whole, whole eternal life after this one, apart from Jesus Christ. Couldn't be me. It's a gamble. It's a gamble.

Being atheist. I have some jokes about this, but I'm not going to burn them. I'm not going to burn them. I'm keeping myself. But it is a gamble. It is a gamble to be atheist. You don't need to burn Allie. God will do that. What? Oh, hell. God will do that. Nice. The eternal gnashing of the teeth and the weeping. Gnashing of the teeth? Is that a line? Oh, yeah. Is that a bar? That's what they refer to hell as. The eternal gnashing of the teeth? Yeah.

I don't like that. The weeping and the gnashing of teeth. I don't like that. Yeah. I don't like that. Dude. Yeah. Scary as fuck. I don't want to be there. Fuck.

Well, I'm probably going there because I got denied communion. That guy basically sealed the deal with that little... Well, no, you didn't get... You need to go to confession. I can't touch you. You're going to communion. I'm not giving you a little piece of bread. You need to go to confession and improve your... I don't want to talk to a priest. Out of anyone that I could talk to about rights and wrongs, do you think a Catholic priest is a good person to be going to? Start an issue, bro.

start gnashing get used to that feeling buddy i feel like you know what i think i'll tell you that's you bro that's you what would your greatest what would your punishment in hell be if you had to choose like what would be the pain they don't dude the punishment is not being with jesus bro that's the punishment wait so you're just in a hot area then they are they doing anything else

And I'm Palms, dude, on duty every other day. Then they fuck you in the ass 24-7. Tucker was talking about how he still has dreams. He still has dreams that he's back in. Dude, that's my most recurring dream. That's my most recurring dream by far. That is literally trauma. That is like PTSD shit, dude. Oh, fuck, dude, because you're stuck. You're on a contract, you know? You're not getting out without going to prison. You go to prison if you...

Wait, really? Yeah. Oh, wait. This is... You guys would like this. The Marine Corps posted this video. They... There's a prison labor camp for the Marine Corps. It's all Marines running it. And it's Marines in it who have committed, like, um...

court-martial level stuff. So like felonies, but within the Marine Corps. And they've allowed the Marine Corps to like handle it. And there's a labor camp in Japan. It's overseas on a base and they do hard labor every day. Like they break rocks. That's all they do. They just break rocks. Why are they breaking rocks? As punishment. They're breaking rocks by the numbers. Like somebody's sitting there yelling at them to break more rocks on the beat every time.

They have to do it to the beat of a song? To like the guy's cadence. Yeah, like that. I thought they'd just like hook them up to a bunch of treadmills or something and have them generate power. What are we still breaking rocks for? How does that not violate rights? Because it's in Japan, dude. And you sign away your rights in the Marine Corps. You take the oath, you sign them away. You're under the UCMJ now, not the normal rights of the U.S. civilians. You don't get the Constitution anymore? No.

No. So you're, you apply to the uniform code of military justice, UCMJ. It's like a whole new rule book and it's way fucking worse. Are you, are you back to being a real boy now? I'm free, dude. I'm free as can be. Nice. I like the Ron. That was good. Eight, eight years though. It's eight years. That's a gamble too. Cause you could, you could accidentally fuck something up and then just get sent to a labor camp then.

Like what if you accidentally like the longer you stay in, like I can't imagine if you were like one of those, like one of the guys that you were with, they were, they're staying into the Marines and like some of the guys that you know are like fucking like 28 or something. They're still in the Marines. Wait, what are you saying? Like some of the guys in the Marines, like they stay in for like the whole career. Yeah.

To get to that level, dude, you've got to do something bad. You might mess something up. You might, I don't know, blow up your hand. Might actually smoke some weed. Blow up a grenade in your hand and lose your hand. No, that wouldn't bring you there. Oh, really? No, you'd have to do something really bad. Like felony bad. Something flat would bring you back. You should look it up. It's crazy. It's crazy what they're doing. I think about some pretty awful stuff. I get emotional about life. Now you kind of bum me out with the sincerity of that. With that delivery there. Yeah.

Sorry. I'm a sinner. But we're all sinners. And what matters is what we do after the sinning. Do we have any more conspiracies, Tucker? Let's take a look here. Let's start from the top. We have this one. We can do this one here. This is from Ariana. Ariana, you left a lot. I mean, you kind of did accuracy by volume here. I was going to whip out a... I started off a little short.

My theory is that British people sound like that's not actually how they sound. The harmonica in the background? Where are you, bro? If they do back out of the accent, it's worse now. You listen to a Birmingham accent and a Manchester accent, they're different, I think. Maybe those are the worst examples. I don't know anything about Britlandia, but like

This is a dumb person.

This is a very stupid person. Our chuckle submissions were the worst they've ever been. This is rough. This is rough. We really need a, we need a, like, um, like I get it, but it's like, you can say that about any accent. Really? Yeah. Wait, I got, there's one here that's saying that Ted isn't in his fashion era. What the fuck's that about? Okay. Here is Sophia and Kira. Hey guys.

Oh, they're drunk. Oh, they're wasted. Absolutely wasted. Sophie and Kira here. We're at a disagreement. They're wasted. Ted is not in his fashion era. Okay. Ted. I'm sorry, Ted. You look like a grandpa.

Ted, you belong on the cover of Vogue. And you guys sound like you're fucking drinking. No, but they have a point here, Ted. Can you stand up for us? Yeah, can you? Can you stand up for us? I refuse. What did Kira say? She said you looked like a grandpa? Maybe. Why would they say that, Ted? Would you like to? We'll prove them wrong. Ted, hold one leg up.

Listen, man, I got my they're good for just one. They're like this whole one leg. Oh, they're good for walking. I better not see a big end on these sneakers. Oh, yeah. Hold up one leg, dude. You got a problem? No, no, no, no. Oh, come on. Come on. Listen, come on. I'm hip. Stand up. Shoes got me feeling three years younger. Uh huh. Oh, boy. Yeah. Yeah.

Uh-huh. Listen, man, I feel three years, at least three years younger. Three to five years younger. Certainly don't look that way. Three to ten years younger. No. Three to 15 years younger. Dude, stop with the ranges. There's something going on. I feel three years younger. I'm 23 right now, baby. Something is going on right here. Tucker, what's going on, dude? Sly, you tell me what you think is going on. I don't know. Because we all know nothing's going on with you.

Nothing's going on with you. I'm normal. I'm the normal one here. Would you say that you have a bit of a conspiracy right now, Schlatt? I think there might be one. Really? I think something's going on. I think he put you up to something. I put Tucker up to something? No, I think Tucker put you up to something. Really? I put you both up to a little something, and Schlatt failed. He did terrible. I just won.

Ted just won big time. Okay. I just won big time. So Ted's task was to say, originally it was to say the numbers one through 20 had to say every single number, but he killed that. So we just pushed it to as many numbers as he could get in. Really stressful towards the end. Once, once I got to the Buzzfeed part, trying to play that off was really tough, man. I had no idea what to say.

I think I gas lit him pretty well, though. You did. How was my gas lighting, Schlatt? I don't know. I didn't know what... I didn't know... I figured you had something to do with...

I thought it was just ranges. I thought you had to say ranges. I started leading you that way. I started leading you that way. But you just had to say numbers. I just had to say numbers. He said almost every single number between 1 and 40. No, but he gave ranges though, right? He just had to get the number out. Yeah, like Tucker was saying stuff like, oh, you missed like 8 and 10. So when I was talking about the nukes, I was like 8 to 10 kilotons just to get it over with.

That's when you blew it. No. That's when Schlatt caught it. That's when you blew it. No, I blew it with the BuzzFeed one. You should have said a single. No, no, no. No, because then I gaslit him well because I started saying, you just have a problem with ranges. And I started making him question his own problem with it.

Am I wrong, Schlatt? Did that not effectively? Well, hold on. I don't even know what the goal of this challenge was. It was stupid. I'm at lunch. I'm having some nice sushi at Sugarfish, and I get a call from Tucker, and he's like, Ted, all right, I got a plan for you for this episode. And I'm like, what? And he's like, okay, so what you're going to do is I need you to say the numbers 1 through 20 at some point in the episode,

Without knowing what's going on. And I'm like, I feel like I could do that pretty easily. I'm pretty sure I did it in the first 10 minutes. Yeah, and that's why I was updating you. I said, okay, let's just push this as far as we can get it. So you said every single number from one, two, three, four, like all of them? Not in order, but like at some point.

Wow. I've been keeping track. Nice. Congrats. Ted definitely has... Ted, would you like to take a guess at what Schlatt's challenge was? What was his challenge? Okay, I just asked... Well, no, no, no. Don't say... Okay, how many of these did I get? You're at three, dude. No, I said at least five. No way. Yes. No, dude. I've been listening. What...

Okay, well, should we just dive into this then? Well, Ted, what did you think Tucker was trying to get me to say? I don't know. I was too focused on my thing, dude. So how do you know? So who won? Was it me who guessed what his challenge was or was it him who said more of them? I would say... So if Schlatt also had a challenge, then it was obvious that he was trying to figure something. Did you tell Schlatt that I also had a challenge? No, I had no idea that you had a challenge. But I knew that...

That you would hyper fixate on your challenge. Well, yeah, because I got fucking ADHD, dude. I'm not going to be able to. I'm trying to focus on talking through the conversation. I knew Shlatt was probably thinking, oh, Ted also has something going on. What is it? While also doing his. But his was harder. Mine was way harder. You gave me a list of words that I would sound ridiculous saying every single one of them. You sounded so good that apparently I've missed two. That's how good you sounded.

Okay. Well, that just means I was trying really hard and did a good job. There was a couple of times where I thought you were going to slip one in and you didn't. I was like, oh, he got one in there. How? How would I have slipped some of these words in? Okay. That is on the edge of his seat here. Yeah, I'm excited to hear what the words are. Here, here. I'll pull it up. I'll pull it up.

Here's the words that Schlatt had to... He wanted me to say skibbity. Schlatt had to slip all of these in the episode without you knowing that it was a bit. I didn't hear blood. I said blood.

I said phantom tax. These are all things. These are, if anything, mine was a little bit harder because these are all popular terms right now that would have been perfectly appropriate for Schlatt to say facetiously. No. No, I know. That's why he got what I heard was angrily. He would have been fine. I know. He'd just be like, what do you think of that? Blood.

I know. Or he could go like this. He'd be like, Ted, you're being DeLulu right now. You know where he lengthens it? He could have done that. No, that would have been stupid. And then Schleck could have gone like this. He'd go like this. He'd go like, Ted, I'm looks maxing. That would have worked. Well, I got blood. I got phantom tax. I said mogging. And I said Ohio.

I don't remember. I never heard blood. I heard Phantom Tax mogging in Ohio. And I was impressed. I said, wow, he's doing a great job.

So we both had conspiracies against each other on the conspiracy episode. If anything, the conspiracies that we had were better. I mean, Ted did a better job bringing out the numbers and actually getting them into the conversation. I was just too mortified to say fucking Riz and Skibity. You could have said it facetiously, though. And Gat and Dolulu. Fucking Skibity. I just couldn't believe that one.

I just couldn't believe that. I was supposed to say Skibity. Skibity would have been the hardest one. I would have been like, why are you bringing up Skibity Toilet right now, Schlatt? I don't think Schlatt was worried about you figuring it out. I think it was more of a pride issue. I don't think he'd bring himself to say it. It was definitely a pride thing. It does sound like it was. It was just like, I can't say this shit. I definitely feel like I...

Did you not give me the vocab word, Tucker, because you knew that I was going to have no problem saying them? No, I think Schleier would have figured it out. Really? Because I say some pretty ridiculous stuff. He put more points into perception. You think so? Oh, he's always perceiving, dude. Look at him right now.

That's why he's got those glasses, dude. The glasses are plus one right there. I still feel like I gaslit pretty well, though. I'd like a congratulations on my gaslighting slap, please. Dude, my glasses are more perceptive than yours. Yours are like little dainty fuck me glasses. Come on. Those are bisexual glasses. Yeah, those are. Those are. It's the glasses. Mine? Those are bisexual glasses. Okay. That's the one. And mine are serial killer ones. Yeah.

I gas lit pretty well. Come on. That's not a thing to be proud of, you know? Well, I wouldn't do it normally, but in this case I would. Yeah. Yeah. No, that was, I mean, that was fun. I mean, it was a little stressful. I'd be lying if I say, if I say that was probably the most stressed I've been in a conversation. That's probably the first time I've lied in a long time. So, oh man. Well, Chucklers.

Hey, Chucklers. Chuckle you later. Chuck you later. Thanks for stopping by on this episode of Chuckle Sandwich Podcast. We'll look smack you later. Stay delulu. And hey, blood, remember, your giat is always mewing when it's Ohio Rizmogging. Skivity.