Deep Dive
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Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. The worst day of our marriage so far has been I was too tired, and she knew I just was not wanting to have sex, and she cried. She didn't think marriage would be this way, and she's more of a physical touch person than I am. I am not a physical touch person at all. I won't give you some silly analogy. This is too serious of a topic. What up, what up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. A show for you, by you, about...
You, your mental health, your emotional health, your marriage, your relationships with your in-laws, whatever you got going on in your life, your kids, all of it.
We're all struggling with something, and often we don't have a place to turn. We don't have a group of people or even one person that we can trust to say, hey, this is what's really happened. Can you help me walk through this? That's what this show is about. If you want to be on this show, my promise is I'll sit with you, I'll walk through this thing with you, and we'll figure out what's the next right step. Go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. Fill out the little box and hit submit, and then Kelly and the gang will...
See if your call fits the show or give us a call. 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. Leave a message and we will rock and roll. Kelly. Yes. You've been very mean to me so far today. No, not mean. I'm trying new tactics to get you to show up on time. Ah.
And the way that I, yeah, tactics, the way that I did that. So for those that don't know here, we have what we call a personality suite and it's where all the personalities offices are or like their desks are. And then the brand leaders and things like that. And a lot of times I have to go in there and find John at his desk and remind him it's time to record. Agree to disagree.
One of us is right, one of us is wrong. Let's just stick with that. And so we all know that John likes gummy candies. So when I walked in there today and he was sitting at a desk talking to someone, there was a bag of gummy bears sitting on another table. So I grabbed the gummy bears and started making a trail of them and saying, come on, John, come on. Behind me, I heard this.
I just want y'all to know he's currently sitting in the chair, so. And I may be sliding off into a diabetic coma. Maybe, because I ate him all the way down the hallway. All the ones from the floor? No, I didn't. You got a problem. I did not. I do have a problem. I did not do that. But I had to make a trail from his desk all the way to the studio. But he got here, so you're welcome. And this is why we have a special form for workplace harassment that I'm going to fill out right after this show for...
It'll go, I'll take it to HR for you. Yeah, it'll go into my file. It's a very, very big file. All right, let's go out to Portland, Oregon and talk to KEN. What's up, Ken? Hey, Dr. Maloney. What's up? I am, I've listened to your show for about a year now and
I just really appreciate your wisdom. I appreciate the fact that you listen to Under Oath and stuff like that. I just really appreciate it. I like my good old metal, dude. I appreciate you, man. Thank you so much for being with us for a year. Absolutely. Absolutely. So what's up, man? So I just got married about a couple of months ago.
And, um, my wife and I have talked about a lot of things before getting married. We talked about, you know, sex and money and finances. And before getting married, we thought we were on the same page about sex. And now we're realizing more and more that she has a much higher sex drive than I do. And I want to know,
how to, one, how to deal with that. And then two, what is, is there something wrong with me? Is there something that, how can I help with that? And, and is there something that's broken in me and that I can't, that it makes it more difficult for me to love my wife? Pretty much. Man, that's tough. You got a lot of stories circulating in your head, don't you? Heck yeah. Yeah, man. Um, man, there's so much to the question you just asked. I guess I'll just come out and say, I, I don't,
I don't think you're broken and not even know what the challenge is. Okay? And here's what I mean by that. If... I won't give you some silly analogy. This is too serious of a topic. However your body happens to be responding to whatever stimulus is going on in your world, whether that's stress, whether that's work, whether that's stories, whether that's physical, whether that's just plain, I'm good with X, Y, and Z, and that's it. I don't want you to think you're broken. Okay? Okay. Cool? So let's...
When you say your wife has a higher sex drive than you, what does that mean? Put that into context for me. That means that she is okay with having sex probably twice a day. I think the worst day of our marriage so far has been a week after we were married. I was too tired and just really wanted to go to sleep. And she knew I just was not okay.
not wanting to have sex and it just, she cried. Um, and just the realization that, you know, she didn't think marriage would be this way. And, um, just seeing how devastated she was. Um, yeah, so she just, she, she's, she's more of a physical touch person than I am. Um, I am not a physical touch person at all. Um, and,
And so we've been working on ways to not just have more sex, but try to, for me to be more physical, like to cuddle with her more and stuff like that. Sure. And some of that, how long have y'all been married now? We got married February 1st. I guess it is March, late March. Yeah, late March. So a lot of this, man, is you'll be discovering for years ways you can practice intimacy and
And that's a very un-Hollywood way to say that. But there will be some, like, I'll take another turn so it doesn't, it's not emotional for you guys. Let's say I really value words of affirmation, right? From the five love languages conversation, which isn't totally complete, but sometimes it gives you a framework that you can kind of tiptoe into some of these things. And maybe my wife isn't the words of affirmation person. It doesn't occur to her.
Once I say out loud, hey, this really matters to me. This is the way you can, that my body feels safe and feels love. Is you just saying, hey, I want you to know I see you and I love you and I'm grateful for you. Then she has a choice to make, which is be uncomfortable and say the things that aren't going to come naturally to her at the beginning. And then by the way, over time, they do become more natural. That's why the love language is like, it's just this stamp. This is the way you are. I don't buy that. Some of these things you do practice over time.
Or she can say, you know what, I just don't do that, and I'm not ever going to do that. And then we have to have that hard conversation. In your world, yeah, your wife has said, and you probably knew this before you got married, she likes to hold hands. She likes to, when I, she likes me to put my arm around her. She's always just holding my hand and then also touching my arm at the same time too. Like there's always, right, something going on. You knew that going into this thing, and so some of that is you saying,
learning to here's how my wife feels safe right when you get the next layer though so if you're calling me to ask do you have some sort of hyposexual it's like hyposexual dysfunction right or some type of hyposexual um disorder because you think you're unable to um you don't like having sex twice a day every day i would tell you no that's a lot of sex
Okay. And it may be that the story she was told growing up is that all he's going to want is sex, all he's going to want is sex, and you better be ready, and you better be ready, and you better be ready. And so when you say, actually, I just want to like go to sleep so I can show up tomorrow and we can go to breakfast and we can do our thing, her body absorbs that message as you're failing him.
So it sounds like you'll have two competing messages going at the same time. It's just leading you in opposite directions. Does that sound fair? Or does she have some, she just really crave sexual intimacy with you? I think it's, I think it's a bit the latter. Um, she, she, um, she didn't really grow up with a, cause we know we were both Christians and she grew up in, she's German. So she didn't really grow up with a culture that was very anti-sex. Sure. Opposite actually. Yeah.
Yeah. Um, so, um, for her, this is just, it's just, she just really enjoys it. Um,
Um, for me, um, maybe a little backstory is before, um, dating her, I really struggled with, uh, with pornography. Okay. And so when we started dating, actually, before we started dating, I got into a group of men and so been sober for a while. And so she knows this. Um, but, um, I think another part of it is, um,
me realizing just how different sex is with a person. Right. Um, yeah, it's a wee bit different. That's right. And, um, I think, I think maybe there's an aspect of it to where, um, I don't know if I'm associating like sex with negative things too. Like, Oh, I did. I can, I can get, I can hear by your, the tone in your voice that you are. And so, um, how old are you?
I'm 31. Okay. So you're in the band of human that has been part of a great social experiment that has never existed in human history. And that is you were one of the first ones that, like when I was a kid, there were some Playboys in a house down the street, right? Right, right, right. For you, every Playboy, every...
porn movie ever shot in human history was on your phone. That's how you grew up, right? And it took a while before the neuroscience community caught up with the faith community, which was like, whoa, we're blowing people's brains out of the back of their head with this much stimulation. The brain, the body cannot take this level of stimulation all at the same time. And so what we're seeing now is record levels of
well, I'll say it backwards, the lowest amount of... People having the lowest amount of sex in recorded human history in your particular band of age group. And so, some of it is...
There is such a gap between, like you mentioned, what I've seen on my phone, what I've seen at the computer, what I've seen on TV, and then actually being in a room with a real person. Holy smokes. And your body doesn't have, it can't bridge that gap.
Or it is someone like you struggle, pornography, struggle, struggle, struggle. You went and met with a group of guys. You're in an essay community of some sort, some sort of sobriety community where I'm trying to get off this stuff. And by the way, this is not just faith communities. This is loads of people dealing with this. And sex itself becomes very shame based. And the way your body dealt with lust, arousal, intimacy was just to shut the whole thing down.
And now you have this amazing woman that you've pledged your life to standing in front of you saying, do you desire me? And in your heart, you're like, yes. And your body's like, we're shutting it down. Right. So I think the man, I, you can kind of go multiple different directions here. Um, can I ask you just some real pointed questions? Is that okay? Go for it. Um, is sex gross you out?
No. Okay. Does sex, the idea of it exhaust you? Yes. Okay. Um, are you having a hard time getting aroused? Um, I can still get aroused. Um, but yeah, I would say it takes a bit longer. Okay. Um, are you, and I say grossed out, not in a physical way, but is the idea of sex gross you out? Does your body have a, a kind of a disgust response?
I don't think disgust, but I definitely feel like... Or discomfort, like not in your own body while this is happening. Yeah, kind of, yeah. Okay. So when somebody sits down and says, hey, here's what I'm struggling with, I want to please my wife. And by the way, can I just, I should have prefaced this in the beginning. Kudos for you, man.
Most men will not have this conversation. They don't have the courage to have this conversation and they just bury it. They blame their wives and they cause just chaos. So kudos for you, man, for at least having this conversation. I guess let me ask you this before I start answering your question at a tactical level.
Do you want to have sex more often? Do you want to feel comfortable having sex or do you want to be able to communicate to her in a way that I don't want to do this? Like, how can I help you? Uh, yeah, I, I want to, I want to,
I think if I enjoy it more than the rest will hopefully follow, you know, not necessarily, but it's a place to start. That's a good place to start. Maybe you're right. I definitely like, I definitely am just naturally not as physical touch as she is just, just without any pornography at all. But, um, I, I want to be able to, yeah, I want to be able to have this, want to initiate more because she's also initiating more often. I probably initiate more,
you know, 20% of the time and she's initiating more. And so what stops you from, what stops you from putting that on the calendar? I'm going to, I'm going to almost, almost with, with a, with an eye towards being disciplined about it. I'm going to initiate three times a week. Like what, what, or like my phone goes off at noon and I'm going to send her a flirty text about what I want to have happen tonight. Right. What stops you from that?
We just started doing that actually. Okay. All right. That was a bit hard for her because it's not very sexy. It's not very Hollywood-y. That's right. No. Usually it's after the first kid, but we often tell folks the only sex you will have is scheduled sex. Now, that sounds so unlike, I just want to come in, you rip my clothes off. All that sounds amazing. And those moments still happen. Yeah.
But man, you got two people who are working full-time, stress, trying to build a house, trying to pay off student loans, and somebody gets pregnant, and then yada, yada, yada. And then somebody has gas for the first time, and we've only been married for two months, but whoa, that's really bad. Like all that happens at the same time, right? And so really it's like, I need to put this on the calendar. And the quicker couples can get over the fact that it's on the calendar, and dude, we're doing it anyway. And in fact, then you start being able to
fantasize about it start thinking about it start like all day like yeah man then it makes it it's amazing to plug into but until then it feels very like if it has to go on a calendar if we have to think about it ahead of time plan for it then maybe we probably shouldn't even be together right that's what it feels like that's super false super false the same as we should just make enough money that we never have to budget otherwise we're failures right no
Right. Like our cars should just be built so well. They never need, they never need gas at them. Otherwise, geez, these cars are junkie. No, that's just not how the world works. But because of Hollywood, man, we have just have a weird picture about long-term relationships and sex, sex and all of the baggage that comes with it. Everything it means, right? I'm enough. I'm not enough. This or that.
So some of your initiation sounds like it's less about doing it. And initiation is, I'm going to practice loving my wife in a way that she has asked me to show her affection, which is physical touch, which is planning things, which is initiating desire. And my promise to you is over time, if you make this a practice, you'll plug into it. It might look different than it does now, but you'll find your groove.
in a way that it becomes like desirable. It will start to feel safe to you over time. The second thing I would tell you is normally, I think it'd be worth sitting down and talking to somebody. I really do. And when somebody asks me this, often I'll send them to a medical doctor first because I want them to get their testosterone checked. I want to make sure everything is functioning as it should biologically, physiologically. It's probably better I say that.
And then get into the psychology. But yours sounds like your body works great. Like you don't have trouble getting erection. You don't have trouble with arousal, but you do just struggle with the whole emotional side of this thing. So I think it's worth sitting down and talking to somebody. Have you done that now that you're married? Not yet. Okay. I, my gut tells me you have some psychological bricks in your backpack that, um,
Sex has such a shame attachment. Intimacy has such a burdensome weight. It's such a burdensome weight on you that it's really hard to be connected and totally with somebody in a moment. I think it's fair. Okay. And would she go with you? Oh, yeah. She would. She'll do anything. She'll do anything. I also want you to be really graceful with Ken for a season, okay? Because you're swimming upstream.
Pretty hard, right? You're swimming upstream trying to honor your wife. You're swimming upstream trying to be the man that she wants you to be and love her in the ways that she needs. You're also swimming upstream with there's few things more embarrassing to a man than either not wanting sex or not being able to perform. And you're swimming upstream in a culture that says, all you want is this. And, oh, I just want to have sex all the time. And you're like, dude, I don't. And does that mean something's wrong with, right? You're swimming upstream a lot.
And so I want you to rest on, if nothing else, keep my voice in the back of your head. Dude, I'm freaking proud of you. I'm proud of you. What you're doing, it's really challenging. Appreciate it. And I think if you...
I, I, it's not a lost cause. And I think that you can change the story and change the narrative and ultimately change your body's physiological response to touch and intimacy and sexual connection that is not shame based. That is not somehow you're less than based. Somehow you're a failure based, but somehow, dude, I happen to marry somebody who wants to have sex all the time. Pretty awesome. Right, right.
And she may have to come to terms with, I would have sex every day if I could. And the person I married can do three days a week. And that's a compromise for him because he would prefer one to two days a week. But three days is where we landed for right now. Cool. Right. And every couple makes those type of negotiations and seasons and it goes up and down all like that's part of being in a long term relationship with somebody.
And the tables may turn. Y'all may have kid one, kid two, and then maybe you're like, hey, let's do it every day. And she's like, what? Like, who knows? But right now, it's about, all right, I need to teach my heart, my mind, my brain, my body something different around intimacy. And that doesn't mean you're broken. That means your body's trying to take care of you. And it's just chosen a wacky way to take care of you right now. How's that sound?
I think that, I think that sounds fair. And I like the idea of, cause we've, we've talked about, okay, I'm going to initiate like at least two times, but we haven't put it on a calendar. And I think. Put it on your calendar. Put it on your calendar. Yeah. She didn't eat it on hers. Put on yours. Okay. And just know I'm practicing and dude, I didn't have this challenge, but I walked into a kitchen and did not ever see dishes. Never.
I cleaned the dishes when there was no more in the cabinets and in the pantry and in the car and in the yard. And so for me, I put on my calendar early on, do dishes. And it would literally ding my phone and I'd be like, oh, okay, go into the kitchen and look for dishes. And now I see it all the time. I see it. But I trained myself to see it over time.
When me and my wife sat down to decide, are we going to stay married? I said, I need you to say you're proud of me. She showed me she was proud of me every day by creating a home that was so stable that I could rappel off the edge and go do my crazy things that I was doing at work. It never occurred to her that this guy needs to hear that sentence. Cool. I'm on it. I'll do that.
But it became a practice. And now she does it all the time. It's amazing. But I had to say the words, here's what I need. And then she had to practice it. That's awesome. That's what being in a relationship is about. This one's just fraught with a lot of other baggage just because it's sex. Just because it's sex. And it means so many things to so many different people all at the same time. So tell your wife you're going to set up an appointment to go talk to somebody. And you want to do the work to teach your body that sexual intimacy in this relationship is awesome.
All systems go. Everything's on the table. Everything's fun. Everything's going to be... You're going to learn desire. You're going to learn excitement. You're going to learn playfulness. You're going to learn all these things. And also say, I commit to two to three days a week of initiation, of just touch. It doesn't have to be intercourse. It's touch, connection, closeness. I'm going to initiate. Put that on your calendar. Have your phone buzz you. A couple times a day, you can shoot her a text. And...
When you get home, remind yourself, I'm going to drop my bag and I'm just going to give her a hug and I'm going to hold her an extra two seconds. I'm going to reach over and grab her hand during this movie. I'm going to reach over and grab her hand as we're getting out of the car and I'm going to hold her hand on the way into this restaurant. Begin to practice it. And if you feel uncomfortable, sit in the discomfort. Why am I uncomfortable? Because I love this woman. I love holding her hand. It's okay. It's good. And we're just going to practice that. We're going to practice it. I'm proud of you, Kian. I'm proud of you. Call me anytime, anytime, anytime, anytime.
Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of Own Your Past, Change Your Future. It's a book about the stories we tell ourselves. I want you to read that book and put into practice some of the things that it says to do because I think it will help change your life. We'll be right back.
All right, I want to talk about Halo. It's an app that I use just about every single day. So we're here at the end of summer trying to fit in that last minute vacation, trying to figure out where all of our money went and trying to plan for the start of school. And it's chaos. It's chaos. It's chaos in your life and it's chaos in mine.
And it's this season when it's super important to make sure you double and triple down on your exercise practices, your counseling, your relationships, and your spiritual health. And if you're a person of faith or if you're just curious and you don't know anything about this faith, prayer, whatever stuff, don't let your daily prayer or your meditation practices or your questions go unanswered or by the wayside. Don't let your still time with God go.
As things ramp up and get more and more chaotic, we have to choose to slow down and focus on the things that really, really matter.
And in addition to my conversations with my friends and my personal reading and journaling time, Hallow helps me stay on point with my spiritual practices. Hallow is an app that's easy to download right to your phone and it is packed with daily prayers, lecture series, meditations, music, stories, nighttime sleep programs, and more. Hallow is the number one prayer app in the world. And it's simple, it's super high quality, and you can personalize it based on wherever you happen to be in your spiritual life.
I use it on my drive to work, when I'm sitting in front of my red light, sometimes when I'm out walking my dogs, and I even listen to some of the music when I'm writing. Hallow has a journaling feature for your own personal reflection. I could go on and on. It's got everything. Here's what's really cool. This month, Hallow has special guests each week walking us through the lives of some incredible historical saints, learning more about their life, their faith, their story, and ultimately, their surrender to God's call on their life.
Hallow's Saints in Seven Days series dives deeper into the lives of these prominent saints, exploring their journey to sainthood and how it relates to our own lives. Here's the deal. My friends at Hallow are giving you three free months to try all of this right now. That's 90 days to experience the joy and peace that this experience can help bring to your life. It's totally free to try it out. Go try it. It can change everything.
Go to hallo.com slash Deloney today for three free months. That's hallo, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash Deloney. All right, let's roll out to Sacramento, California and talk to Mia. Hey, Mia, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. It's an honor to speak to you. It's an honor to talk to you. What's happening?
So I have been with my boyfriend for three months now, and I can see myself with him for a long, long time. He's patient, kind, and very smart. I do love him. But here's the thing. He has bad breath. Oh, no. Oh, no. And it's all the time. Like, the first time I met him, I noticed it. And so...
Have you told him? No. Mia, why? You said I love him. I don't know how. So I've noticed the change in my behavior because of his breath. Of course. Your eyebrows are falling out. Sorry. Mia, you have to tell him.
So I don't know how to tell him so I don't upset him. Does the last thing I want to do is embarrass him or upset him? Okay, can you say, hey, I love you, and I'm not saying this to embarrass you. I'm saying this because I want to kiss you more and be closer to your face. So this is the thing. I had a relationship before him that I had the same problem with, and he got really upset, and...
He said that the relationship changed since I told him that he had bad breath and I couldn't get close to him. So that didn't last. And I'm scared of going back to that same situation. Can I just, I'm going to tell you something that's going to feel trite and you just have to believe me. Okay. Okay. How old are you? I'm 46. Okay. Have you been in a long-term relationships before? Yes. I was married for almost 20 years. Okay.
So you know what I'm about to say is true. If you can't have a conversation with somebody to provide feedback or accountability or care about them, especially care about them, that A, may be a medical issue, or B, for sure will facilitate intimacy. This relationship will end in a train wreck at some point. You know this. I know this. Yes. I...
Think it is the greatest gift in the world when somebody says, hey, dude, you got bad breath. I'm so grateful that my close friends don't let me walk through the world being like, hi, I'm John. And people are, you know, like their skin's peeling. Like, I'm so grateful if I have like nose hair sticking out that someone's like, hey, man, run in the green room and trim your nose hairs. They're hanging all over the microphone.
My manager just the other day, I was getting out of the car to go speak and he's like, hey, dude, you got a big thing at Earwax, like right in your ear. Like, dude, thank you. I'm about to go on stage, right? It's a gift. And if somebody is not mature enough to see it as a gift, then they are not going to be mature enough when y'all have conversations about a house, about a home, about insurance, about your mom coming to live with you when she gets older. Like whatever the thing is, they won't be mature about any of the hard conversations. I'm telling you,
If my wife were to tell me, hey, I haven't told you this, but for the last three months, your breath has been really, really bad. I would be embarrassed. Of course, I would. But I'd smile and I'd cover my mouth and I'd go, thank you so much for telling me. That'd be my first response. And I'm not that great of a guy, right? I'm just so grateful. After three months of being with this dude, do you think he's that kind of person?
No, he, he, I think he will understand. I think he's, he's mature enough to respond in a way that, um, like you said, he was, I think he'll be grateful that I did tell him, but I think it's, I think it's more about me. I think I'm more of anxious because of what happened before. Why did your first marriage end? Um, he did not take care of himself. Um, tell me about that.
Um, he, he was, he was selfish in the way that he wanted to do what he wanted to do, which was to eat and have anxiety and he eats and then he gained so much weight and he doesn't have it, had a heart, heart condition and he did not want to do anything about it. And I couldn't watch him slowly killing himself. Okay.
And I was told that I was nagging him about his weight, about his whatever, whatever he was doing. I was nagging him. So you're careful. And I don't want to be his mom. I know, but you're careful for somebody's health. Yeah. Your body feels like that cost you your marriage. It did not. What cost you your marriage is you were married to a guy that was slowly killing himself. And you said, I can't be in the front seat of this car while you're driving into an oncoming train. Mm-hmm.
And then you met somebody else after your marriage ended. And by the way, there was more to it than that, wasn't there? Yes. Yes, there was. A lot more. A lot more, I know. And then you got a new person and you said, I'm going to speak up on this one. And that guy said, you ruined everything. So I think your body's right. Your body put GPS pins and do not have direct conversations with men about their health or potentially sensitive topics because that leaves you all alone.
And your body's just trying to keep you safe. And I honor that and I trust it and good for your body, but your body's wrong on this one. If this cost you your relationship, I'm glad it cost it to you at month three and not 20 years later from down the road again on this one. This sweet guy who you said is great and wonderful and kind and loving and loves you deserves to know that his breath is making the wallpaper in the bathroom peel off. He deserves to know that.
And there's lots of great products out there. Kelly has bad breath like that. She doesn't. She doesn't. But there's something called TheraBreath that they were telling me about that is really effective. There's all kinds of products out there. Go see a dentist because it might be an effective too. Who knows what's going on? But man, what a gift. If somebody reaches out and says, hey, it's tough to be close to you, you need to go get something checked out.
or you need to quit dipping or drinking coffee in the middle of the night, like whatever the thing is, man, or you need to brush your teeth, whatever it happens to be, something benign, easy, or something that is a medical issue. But man, he's lucky to have someone who loves him enough to say something. And obviously do it with compassion. Don't do it when you're mad at him. Do it in a way that you can say, I love you, and I'm just going to tell you something hard. It's kind of embarrassing, but don't be embarrassed. It's because I love you, and I want to get closer to you, but your bad breath is real tough.
Your breath is tough and I'm worried about you. And man, I hope he takes it well. Will you let me know? Shoot me a note, Mia, and let me know how he takes that conversation. My hope is he just hugs you and says, thank you. Finally, somebody told me. And if he gets really troubled by it, tell him to call the show. I'll talk. I'll be happy to talk to him. Thanks for the call, Mia. We'll be right back.
Let's talk about Organifi. I just got home from a week in the woods with family and friends and a few hundred high school kids at a summer camp. And as you can imagine, I ate camp food for a week, I didn't sleep great, and high schoolers aren't the most hygienic creatures in the world. And now that I'm home...
And now that you're home for whatever you've been doing this summer, and we're both beginning to settle back into the rhythms of the end of summer, start of school, it's critical that both you and me get back into our wellness routines. And for me, Organifi is a cornerstone of my wellness routine.
I blend the red and green powders together almost every morning, and I keep talking about them. I love my happy drops, and I've revolutionized my sleep with Harmony and Gold Juice Medley. I blend them together and drink them down right before bed, and I sleep like a baby. Organifi helps me with energy and gut health with my sleep and with my mood.
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All of it. Invest in yourself with Organifi. All right, let's go out to Baltimore, not to see the wire, but to talk to Catherine. Hey, Catherine, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. Thank you so much for taking my call today. Of course. Thanks for calling. What's happening?
Okay, so I'm kind of nervous calling because I am 29 years old and I do not have my driver's license and I do not know how to drive. It's really embarrassing, but I do have a lot of anxiety when it comes to learning how to drive. I've tried learning multiple times. My dad, other family members, and my fiance have
have all tried teaching me, but I get very anxious, scared. I get just all crazy type of thoughts every time that I try and I kind of just shut down. I'm at a point right now where
I really, really want to learn and I need to for myself and my family, but I just feel so stuck and I really don't know what to do. I feel really embarrassed having to ask my family once again, you know, to help me and teach me. Last time I tried, I made it out the parking lot once and freaked out and kind of just shut down after that. Okay. Thank you for calling.
Thank you. And I know it's embarrassing to say out loud, and I want you to know I'm not embarrassed with you. I'm not embarrassed for you. I'm not embarrassed at you. Yeah. If you were allergic to, I don't know, pollen, and you walked outside with your family and you just started sneezing everywhere, that'd be embarrassing. Yeah. But would that mean something's wrong with you or broken in you? No. No? It would mean your body has identified pollen as a threat, and it's overreacting. Yeah.
And so your body in your nervous system has identified driving a car as something that's super not safe. That's it. And all we have to do is teach our body. It actually is not very safe driving a 2000 pound box of metal down the highway. It's not super safe. And there's ways to safely navigate it. Yeah. And so can I tell you, you got out of the parking lot? How far?
I got out of the parking lot, drove for like a few seconds and was right back into the next parking lot. Okay. Can I tell you a congratulations? Thank you. Now I'm going to give you some other tips and like some things I want you to do. But if you go just with your dad or your fiance or somebody you trust, your mom, somebody you trust sister, and you just go to that same parking lot and you drive out,
Out of the parking lot, onto the street, into that next turn into the parking lot and call it a day. Then the next day, go do that again and call it a day. And the next day, do it again and we're going to call it a day. I feel like it's such an inconvenience because... Are you an inconvenience? I feel like it. You're not. You're not. It don't make me feel like I am, but I do feel that way. I understand. I understand. You're not.
Is it annoying? Yeah. Of course it is. Is it annoying for them? Is this the picture your dad had of his almost 30-year-old daughter not being able to drive because her body had determined driving is like this terrifying? No. Of course that's not the picture he had. So is he frustrated? Yeah. Does that mean you're a loser? No. It doesn't. Okay.
And maybe you don't go all the way to that parking lot. Maybe you say, Hey, I need to take a, I need to do my run. And so in your driveway, you're going to back up and you're going to drive four houses and you're going to pull into that driveway and you're going to rest for a second and you're going to back up and go back home. That's it. Okay. Then the next day you're gonna do five houses.
Next day, six houses. Here's what I'm getting at. There's, you have what I would call a phobia. Your body has identified something as a threat that most people don't experience. Okay. And that threat is overriding your ability to move forward. It's shutting you down. Yeah. Your body is saying there's a tiger and you keep walking towards the tiger. So your body is saying, oh, you don't get the message. I quit. Right. That's what's happening. It's just done it with driving. Yeah.
And so the standard 101 procedure for this or therapeutic intervention, if you will, coaching intervention, whatever you want to call it, is called exposure therapy. So are you scared of snakes? Yes. Okay. If you came to a counseling office or went and hired a coach and said, I want to get over my fear of snakes, what they would have you do is tell them about a snake that scared you once. Tell them all about it.
feel it all in your body how scared you are oh man and then the next time they may have you color a coloring book with a snake picture in it as an adult and you would feel so ridiculous but you'd be coloring a snake and then maybe you do it again the next time and the next time and then after that they'd have you look at pictures of snakes
Long story short is they would slowly expose you to these things so that one day down the road, you're holding a snake in the office. You have a big python wrapped around your neck and you're just holding it, talking to the counselor, talking to the coach. That's what we're going to do here. We're going to slowly teach our body. I know that you know this. I know that you think this isn't safe, but we're good.
Now, have you ever had any, like a car wreck? Have you lost somebody? Like, where did your body learn that driving is this unsafe? I don't know. You know, my fiance used to try to help me, asking me a billion questions. And the only thing that I can really think of, like of a time that I was in a car and I was scared was, um,
When I was little, my mom, she is an alcoholic. And there was one time that I was in the car with her while she was driving. And she was pretty drunk. She wasn't driving crazy in the highway or anything. It was a really short drive. And she was swerving a little bit. But nothing, you know, nothing crazy happened. I'm not going to say nothing unsafe, but nothing crazy happened. We got home, but...
I knew that we weren't safe or I knew that something was wrong and she wasn't supposed to be driving or wasn't in control. And I feel like
My fear has a lot to do with control because the thoughts that I have are like, what if I miss the light? What if I get into an accident and I don't know what to do? What if I don't put my signal and it causes an accident? Like all these crazy things. Hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. If you go back and watch this on YouTube, when you said my mom's an alcoholic, you're going to see me smile. Mm-hmm.
Not because I'm happy that your mom's an alcoholic, but because you grew up in a home where the one person who was supposed to be connected and stable with you wasn't. Yeah. And your body has been grasping for control since before you could walk. Yeah. And you, for 30 years, have been grasping for every shred of control over every variable in your life. Yeah.
Your body's never felt safe. And it is almost like throwing darts. How many things have you been scared of over the years that you've pushed through and found your body just moves on to a new thing? A lot, actually. I know. You know why? Because the underlying anxiety has never been dealt with. Yeah. You have a very anxious life and you throw that anxious, like your body is anxious and you throw it into life and
And then it will, it will, it will, it's like a, it's like the price is right wheel. It just spins until it lands on a thing. And then it's like driving. Ah! And then eventually you're going to overcome it because you're going to have to. You'll figure something out and you'll be able to get in a car and it will be frantic, but you'll get to the store and you'll get home. And then once you do that a couple of times, your body will spin the wheel again and it will land on something else.
Oh, gosh. It's been doing that your whole life, hasn't it? Yeah. Okay. Driving's not the issue. Driving is just the alarm system letting you know that your body's identified your world is not safe. Do you have close friends you can count on? Not really. Nope. I have my family that I'm really close with. The family judges you and lectures you. Do you have a couple of girlfriends that you go out with and you can just go with? Yes.
Family, cousins. I really don't have friends like that. I'm really not a social person. Okay. Have you ever gone to talk to a counselor about your childhood? Yes. Yeah, so I do have a therapist right now. I started during COVID because that was...
Really hard. Yeah. Because you know what? That was a global rise in anxiety because the whole world lost, lost the illusion of control. They thought they could control everything. And then it was like, yeah, it's gone. Yeah. During that time, I actually cut off my mom. Um, and with that came a lot of, um, issues with my family and just,
Just seeing my siblings was, it was really a big shock. And I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression at the time. I feel like I'm doing a lot better now and I'm doing better with the relationships with my siblings. But hold on, are you doing better with those relationships because they honor and love you and where you are?
Or are those relationships going better because you are back to performing and being what they need to be so that everybody has peace? No, no, no. My siblings, they're great. They love me. They understand everything. And unfortunately, they're in the middle, but they respect me. That's amazing. Good for them.
We could go down the list about your spiritual life, your health, your healing that needs to happen, all those things. I'm going to send you a copy. I'm going to send you as a gift my book, Building a Non-Anxious Life. Thank you so much. Underneath phobia is this sense that your body is simply trying to keep you alive. Yeah. Often kids who grow up in the house of somebody who struggled with alcohol and if that person was married to another spouse that didn't protect them,
Or kind of did, but maybe anyway, your body just understands the world is very unsafe. And so it will try to grasp or control wherever it can come from. Yeah. And so I want you to heal from the inside out. Okay. Yeah. And I'm proud of you for going this far. I think it's a matter of talking to your counselor about, say, I want to try exposure therapy with driving. And if your counselor says, I don't do that, I'm not going to leave the office, that's fine.
Ask your counselor to write you out a plan, a 10 week plan. And you, Catherine, your work here is you got to get over this. I'm a burden to everybody. You're not a burden. Yeah. Okay. And if somebody is, is, is one of my oldest best friends on planet earth is wheelchair bound.
Is it harder to get in and out of restaurants? Yes. Is it annoying when we show up to a restaurant that doesn't have a wheelchair access? Yes. Is my friend a burden? God, no. Okay? Yeah. Okay. And if you map out a 10-week get well plan or a 15-week get well plan, and by the way, that doesn't mean at the end of 15 weeks you're flying down the highway at 80 miles an hour. But maybe you can go to the store. Maybe you can go to church. Maybe you can drive over to your dad's house.
Yeah. Right. On the back roads through the neighborhood at 30 miles an hour. Cool. Dude, we are just practicing. Right. If they say, oh my gosh, you're so annoying. They are opting out for a season. They're not your people right now. Maybe they will be one day. They're not right now. Okay. Okay. Yeah. But ask your counselor to write you out a plan, a 10 week plan, an eight week plan where you're
We're going to get into the car in a parking lot and we're going to drive right up to the edge and we're going to turn on the turn signal. We're going to look left, right, left and start to turn, but not leave. Okay. We're going to practice that five times, 10 times, 20 times until our body doesn't go, ah, every time, every time. Okay. Right. And we're going to practice and we're going to practice and we're going to practice slowly, slowly peeling back another layer, another layer.
And you're going to look up in a year and be driving around town. I hope so. Okay. But Hey, listen, this is not about the driving. It is, but it's not building a non-anxious life. You would say that it's not, and you know, it's not, but we don't have time to get into all of it, but just know that I know. And I know that, you know, that I know, right? Yeah. Yes. If fiance is not safe, you got to deal with that. Yeah. If your dad's not safe, you got to deal with that.
If that one uncle wasn't safe and he still keeps coming to Christmas, you got to deal with that. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. All of it. If you have a job that's not safe, you got to deal with it. Yeah. Okay. You're about to be married. You're 30 years old. You have survived. It's amazing. You've been punching and kicking your whole life and now it's time to live. You just got to practice. You got to learn how to do that. Hang on the line. I'm gonna hook you up.
I'm grateful for your call, Catherine. I'm proud of you. And when you are able to back out of your driveway, drive down the street, go to the store and drive back home, I want you to write into the show and we're going to cheer you on on the air. I'm proud of you. We'll be right back.
Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com.
All right, we're back. Kelly, something cool happened. What is it? Yes, this is from Matthew in Illinois. Matthew from Illinois. Yes. I had a falling out with my dad in 2016, and by default, my older brother stopped communicating with me as well. My aunt passed away at the end of 2022, and my brother reached out to ask me which hotel I would be staying at for the funeral. I was hesitant if I should tell him, but decided I would tell him with the understanding that nothing might change.
Went into the weekend with no expectations. He met my kids for the first time. I met his long-term girlfriend. We shared breakfast before the funeral and ate lunch together before we parted ways. Here we are a year and a half later. We have hosted them for all of the holidays.
That's amazing. Isn't that awesome? Yeah, good for you guys. We forget that on the show, and I used to say it all the time, and I don't say it enough. My goal for everybody is reconciliation. I don't think any relationship is too far gone if both people or everybody in the group is like,
I'm going to forgive. I'm going to say I'm sorry. I'm going to set this stuff down. Let's build something new. I just believe in that with all my guts and good on them. Awesome. That's awesome. That makes my heart feel good. Thank you all for being with us today. Be kind to each other. Everybody's fighting a war that you know nothing about. Be kind. Love you guys. Bye.