Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. She's been talking to this guy the last week and a half after she told me a third time that she was breaking it off with him. So for 14 years, you belittled your wife. She got the clear message she was beneath you. Five weeks ago, you decide it's all going to be different. You're pissed off. Dude, who do you think you are, man?
What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, talking about your relationships and your emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life.
Your anxiety, depression, your OCD, that may be part of it, but also how are your kids doing? How are you doing? How's your marriage? How's your dating life? How's your work relationships? Whatever you got going on in your life, here's my promise. I'm going to sit with you. Real people going through real challenges. I'm going to sit with you and we're going to figure out what's the next thing we could do. What's the next right step in this world going sideways? And I could already feel the tension starting to slowly, slowly ramp up.
With election season starting and all of the mess, the interest rates, connect with people. Make sure you got connections. Make sure you got real human beings in your life. Get off the freaking social media. Get off, get off, get off, get off, get off. Talk to your friends. Talk to your friends. Talk to your friends.
If you don't have any friends, if you don't have anybody you can sit down with and just connect with, this show will be like a distant second substitute for you, right? So glad that you've joined us and you've given us your most precious resource, your time. All right, let's roll out to Fort Wayne, Indiana and talk to ZACH. ZACH, what's up, Zach? Hey, how you doing? Good, man. How about you? I've been better, of course. Yeah, man. What's up?
Okay. So I've been with my wife for, we've been together since we were four, uh, for 14 years. I, uh,
I'm 32. I met her when I was 19. We had a child at 20. And I've always just kind of been a butthead to her, to be honest. Every now and then I would demeanor or make little comments. And I would say it started really getting bad about six weeks ago. We were doing some work in the yard and I really just blew up on her over the stupidest little thing. And then about a week later, we're just constantly arguing and
dividing from each other. And then about a week or two later, she told me that she thought she was falling out of love with me. And it just really crushed me. I never would have thought that those words could come out of her mouth. And she told me that the way I treat her is I'm not treating her the right way. And I completely owned it. I mean, I said, everything you said is absolutely correct. You know, and I said, I don't want my son, our son,
growing up thinking that this is how you're supposed to treat women. And I mean, since that day, I have treated her like an angel. I mean, I've done everything and just constantly telling her I love her, giving her hugs, kisses. But that was a Saturday night. And then Monday night, she ended up telling me that she was in communication with a guy she met on TikTok.
And she told me she broke it off with him. And I asked her what was the subject about. And she said it was just somebody to talk to about what I'm going through, my mental health.
you know, health. And she said it was never anything flirtatious or anything like that. She said it was just a stranger that I could talk to, but she said, I broke it off with him and I'm going to focus on us. And I said, I'm all in with you. Let's rebuild this. And we went about two weeks and it was just absolute honeymoon phase. I mean, we were just never,
It was great. And then I went through her phone two weeks after that and found that she was on Snapchat with the guy and I confronted her about it. And she said, okay, well, I didn't, I didn't think you were really going to change. And I wanted to keep this friendship with the guy. And she said, I'll break it off with him. And I'm like, okay, I guess I'll give you a second chance. I'm kind of heartbroken again that you would keep this from me. And then about a week and a half later, which was just yesterday, uh,
I went through the call logs on AT&T.com, which I feel bad because I'm constantly digging at all this. But every time I dig, I find something. And I confronted her yesterday that she's been talking to this guy for 30, 40, 50 minutes a day the last week and a half after she told me a third time that she was breaking it off with him.
And I'm just super confused. I don't really know how to handle this. Now she's saying that she's all done talking to him. And I'm like, well, how do I trust you now? You've been lying to me for the past three weeks about this. So that's really all I got. So for 14 years, you belittled your wife. She got the clear message. She was beneath you. You're the smart one. You're the fast one. You're the quick one. You are the provider. You're the all this stuff.
Mm-hmm. I always thought she was beneath me. Yeah, you did. And she's got that message for a decade and a half. And then five weeks ago, you decide, it's all going to be different. Yeah. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Four weeks into this, you're pissed off that she's not just like, oh, all right. Dude, you're belittling her again. Did she lie to you? Yes, no question about that. She's not on the phone to defend herself. Just you. Okay. Bro.
As you were talking, here's the words that kept coming to my mouth. Dude, who do you think you are, man? That's how I feel. No, I don't. I feel like I'm two inches tall that I've treated her like this the last 14 years. And I wish I could fast forward 14 years from now and show her that I can treat her well. But look, here's what you tried to do. You tried to fix this by doing things that you like doing or that you think that she would like. I'm going to buy her flowers and hug her and kiss her.
Yeah. You didn't get down on both knees and say, my God, will you forgive me? How can I love you? And so when you decided to fix this thing by showing her more affection and loving her, you did it how you wanted to do it, which is again, belittling. I pushed her away by being so close to her. I mean, I can't believe she's put up with you for this long, man. I can't either. I told her that I said, I don't know why you, why you're still with me after 14 years.
She's created a fantasy where somebody that she's never met, now she's talked to on the phone. Is she on a dangerous trajectory? No question about it. There's no question about that. But at least that guy will listen to her, right? At least that guy makes her feel alive again. That guy makes her voice feel like it matters because her own husband, she doesn't. Right. That guy asked her how her day at work went. Yeah, I never did that.
So, I mean, I'm, I'm, yes, I get, I get being hurt. Like, oh gosh, my wife's going to leave me. That can be a rattling moment. Or my wife has feelings for somebody else. By the way, just to say this at the outset, the phrase fall out of love is just nonsense. It's, it's just a, it's a dumb thing to say. Um, it's a, you don't fall in love. You don't fall out of love.
She stopped. She just threw her hands up because there was no connecting with you. You were too important and powerful and wonderful and great. And she was too stupid and dumb. Yeah. And she never thought she could come and talk to me because my arrogance, I would just blow her off. Right. Bro, if you want to save this sucker, it starts with you begging for forgiveness and saying, how can I love you? And let her speak into that. And when you go, well, I don't, you got to stop all that. Okay. Quit saying hi so much.
It's not even saying hi. What are you talking about saying hi? No, I. Oh, yes. It's we. It's us. Okay. Because here's the deal. You felt bad. Like, you felt bad. You decided to change. You started doing new things. And nowhere do I hear, we decided to redesign our marriage. And so, again, all of the things you're doing to save this thing, you're continuing to leave her out bobbing in the middle ocean while you were sitting on the island.
Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah. Bro, where does this arrogance, like, where does that come from, man? What are you scared of? I don't know. I don't know. I, uh...
I grew up, I mean, my dad married, remarried when I was about eight and he was in a very toxic relationship with his now ex-wife again. So is your wife. She's in a toxic relationship. I know, absolutely. And I don't know, I just, I never knew, and it's not an excuse, I was just never shown how to treat a woman and love her and just accept her for who she is and everything. And don't just accept her, honor her, cherish her. Yeah.
Like wake up every day so excited that you get to provide for this amazing person who gave you children, who takes care of your home, right? It makes, makes, contributes to the house, like contributes to the finances of the house, all that stuff. But do your friends, do you act like this with your buddies or at work too? Is this kind of the way you enter into the world or do you just dump all this on your wife? Um, a little bit. I mean, I do have a level of arrogance at work and I do feel entitled and, um,
I don't know. I just feel like it's all gone now, and I'm trying to not let it come back. I'm trying to be a better person. I am. It's hard. I'm going through my first therapy session at 3 o'clock today to talk to another therapist locally here. Yeah, I mean, I'm doing everything I can. I got you. I got you. For whatever reason, whatever went on at your house, whatever went on in high school and whatnot, you've developed this tough guy exterior. Mm-hmm.
And man, it's going to cost you everything. This bravado. It's going to cost you everything, dude. Is that worth it? Right? And like in an effort to not take imaginary punches or more importantly to punch first everywhere all the time. Right? Do you have a big truck?
No, I don't. Okay. I have a company truck, but it's just a little truck. But, I mean, she drives a Grand Cherokee, but it's bigger, I guess. I was just fishing there. I was just seeing if you were going to complete the stereotype for me. All right, good. All right, so, and here's the thing. I actually honor that. I get that you don't have a picture or a model of what this looks like. And I also know what it's like to be trapped. And I know this isn't working, and this is hurting me, and it's hurting everybody I love.
And I don't know the next right step. Do you have some men in your life you could talk to? Yeah, I've been going out. I've got a great buddy since middle school and he's been keeping in touch and checking in with me every day. Guys, that's not the right guy. Okay. I'm talking about a couple of men who are 10 years older than you that you can say, I'm a complete ass to my wife and I've got to stop. I'm going to lose my family. And I've got this built up arrogance inside of me where I think I'm better than everybody. And I know I'm not, but I can't stop. Can you help me?
Yeah. There's a couple of works, guys at work I could talk to. They're a little older than me. Yeah. If you talk to him, can you be honest with him? Can you take him out to lunch and say, I'm going to buy lunch, but I got to be totally straight up honest with you. I'm not okay. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, definitely. I have nothing to hide. Here's going to be the scariest part. Actually, your situation, like people call with borderline personality disorder, all these different things. Your situation, I think, is one of the hardest things to heal from. And here's why.
Because all the way you interact with the world is to protect yourself from one thing. And that is ever, ever being vulnerable in a position where somebody can roll over on you. And I don't know when that happened in your childhood, but it did. And it did bad up with a big brother who was a tough guy. And, you know, everybody feared him and everybody, you know, he would beat everybody up. Nobody messed with him. And I always thought I had to put that shield on as well. That's right. And that shield is going is, is,
Made it impossible to be married to and it's made it impossible for your kids to love and connect with their dad Yeah, you know what they're gonna have to do if they're gonna have to go out in the world and be tough guys because they don't know how to feel because they've never hugged their dad for real and they're gonna this whole cycle is gonna start over that came from your granddad to your dad to your brother and it's just gonna go through your family line unless you stop and turn and say enough and
And the scariest part for you is the only path forward is risking getting hurt. And I'm going to tell you, your wife may leave you. Yeah. She may take your kid and go because you've been awful to her for a decade and a half. I hope she doesn't. But I want you to see her. Yes, she's not being right. And yes, if she's on the phone, I'd be letting her have it too because that's not the way to solve this problem.
And I didn't yell at her. I just asked her very calmly, can you explain this? Like, I don't have the energy. I can't argue with her anymore. Sure. Yeah. But even like explain, explain what? That I haven't felt safe in my own home for a decade and a half? That I've never felt loved? I've just felt like a child in my own home? Like, I know what this guy actually asked me how my day went, for God's sakes.
Yeah, yeah. I own every, I own all of it. I do. Okay. And it's so hard for me to admit it. I know. I know it is. I know it is. And you are bucking family tradition right now in this call, and I honor you for that. But ownership has two parts to it. One is choosing reality, admitting it. And the second part of ownership is to go do differently. Okay. You got to act differently. Yeah. You got to say, I don't know. And so here's what I would love for you to do. How many kids you got? Just one boy, 12 years old. Awesome.
Here's your homework for this week. I want you to ask your wife, would you go to a nice dinner with just us? I have some things I want to tell you. Okay. And then if she says yes, say, we're not going to talk about the other person. We're not talking about any of that stuff. I just need to talk to you about some things. If she says yes, I want you to spend some time alone writing a letter that you're going to read to her. Okay. And that letter is going to be, start with, love of my life, I'm so sorry.
Okay. And then if you want to work through, like, I didn't have a picture of what treating a woman looked like, and I have done it all wrong for 15 years. Yeah, I sent her a text like that about two weeks ago. Text message is bull crap on a stick with a pony. Okay. Lit on fire. Okay? Okay. Text message is how my 14-year-old son talks to his friends in text messages. That's not it. You have to look at her and say these words. Okay? Okay. You have to feel that discomfort. Okay.
That's vulnerability. And she might look at you and go, I'm done. And vulnerable means I'm risking looking at somebody and saying, this is all of me. Do you still love me? And that's what you're going to be doing. And that's terrifying for you.
Yeah. She told me she wants to work it out, that she sees me making changes and she wants to make this work. But I want you to tell her in that letter, I immediately tried to solve me, my 15 years of being an ass to you by doing a bunch of stuff that I thought, and I never bothered to ask you. And she's probably going to look at you and say, I don't even know what I need. I don't even know what I want.
I just know I can't do this anymore. Do what? I bought her flowers a week ago and she was like mad at me because she was like, you've never bought me flowers. You're trying too hard. And I was like, you're absolutely correct. Just ask her. I was like, I feel bad. Ask her, how can I love you today? Start that way and tell her, I'm going to start asking you every morning and every evening. How can I love you today? Okay. Can I ask you a question? Go for it. How do I, like I'm afraid of,
investing all this. And then I find out that she is still communicating with this guy. Like, I feel like there's some trust gone that I take responsibility for. I know I caused this, but I'm having a hard time to like starting to trust her and rebuild this once again. After you have told her that you're going to begin asking her every day how you can love her better. It's fair to say I can't breathe knowing that some other person is your go-to.
Okay. And I can't breathe. And see, what you're doing is you're starting with the word I. You're not saying, you can't do this and you need to get off the... I can't breathe knowing I've put you in a position where you have to go to somebody else just to get the words, how was your day? Absolutely. I've put you in a position to have nobody to talk about what's going on during your day because I just come home and I'm a bulldog in my own house. Yeah. Now, is this 100% you? No. No.
But this is just, I'm going to take all it's if you've ever watched Jocko's original Ted talk, all these things went bad. He was the guy in charge and he said, it's on me. And you for 15 years, I've said, I'm the head honcho. All right, well then own it all then. Okay. Is that fair? No, it's not fair, but let's just take it all. And then at the very end, you can say, I can't move forward without a commitment to you that we've got no outside people speaking to this. It's just going to be you. And it's just going to be me. Okay. Okay.
Yep. And I think it's fair to say, I'm not going to sneak around and go through your crap anymore. I don't want to live like that. Okay. Okay. And also as you get two, three, five weeks into this, two months into this, six months into this, it's fair to say, Hey, I want to circle back. How am I doing?
Are you feeling loved? And she might, she's going to uncover different ways, right? This thing's got 15 years of the layers on top of it. And she met you really young and she got a kid right out of the gate. She doesn't even know what she, what she doesn't know. Yeah. Right. She's never felt safe and fully wrapped up in love with somebody who's like, my mission in life is to make sure you're whole. She's never experienced that. All this is going to be new. No, all this is going to be new. And so it's fair to say,
Are you communicating with that guy? All right. And this is after you'll get some rapport, you start building some trust back. And then if you feel that, that anchoring in your soul, you can say, would you be willing to show me your text messages or your whatever? Okay. That's not for right now. It's not for right now. No, no, no. Yeah. Is that fair? Yeah. Yeah. I'll wait six weeks. Okay. I'm proud of you. Thank you. It's hard. Dude, I know it's hard. You're changing your entire family tree right now.
Yeah, I'm changing my whole personality. Yes. I mean, I am. Yes. And sometimes changing that personality means we have to change all of our actions. So do something ridiculous like wake up early, go get a cold plunge or get some ice, take a cold shower in the morning, start exercising in the morning. I have been, yeah. I've been eating way better. I've been drinking a lot more water. I've been going for walks. Good. You have to start doing different things if you want different results. That's right. That's right. So change it all. Change the whole thing up, man.
And when you find yourself, you're going to get angry. You're going to get, you're going to lose a job. You're going to miss a sale. Something's going to happen and you're going to find old you coming out swinging. You have to be willing to say, hope here he is. Here he is. Here he is. I'm gonna go for a walk. I need to step out. I need to do dinner by myself tonight. I love you with all I got. And I got to go do something else, right? This is gonna be a long-term practice. You have to unwind 30 years of you not liking yourself and taking it out on other people.
Proud of you for all the steps you're making, man. Be in this for the long haul. You're worth it. She's worth it. And that 12-year-old little boy's worth it too. His kids are going to be so grateful that granddad put a stick in the rock and said, no more, no more. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.
So my wife and I were meeting the other day about the back-to-school madness that is about to be on us. We've got my travel schedule, her work schedule, our daughter's new school and clothes and forms to fill out and all these online portals and my son's sports schedule and he's got to have shoes every two weeks because his feet won't stop growing and how are we going to pay for all this and on and on and on.
And when we step back and look at our schedule, it's so packed and we haven't even put in the things like exercise, date nights, counseling appointments, church and holiday trips and big home projects. And these are the things that make life worth living. And I listened to y'all. This is your life too. And here's what I've learned. When it comes to taking care of me, my family and my work, I have to begin with the things that matter most and the things that keep me well and whole so I can wade into the chaos and be sturdy and present and strong.
you too. So as you're planning your upcoming end of summer and fall plans, make sure you don't skip date nights, don't skip regular exercise, and don't skip your regular therapy appointments. Yes, therapy can be hard work, but can also help make the rest of your life possible.
When it comes to therapy, I want you to consider calling the team at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy staffed with licensed therapists. It's convenient, it's flexible, and it's suited to fit your schedule.
With a good therapist, you can learn things like positive coping skills, how to set boundaries, how to deal with all the chaos going on in your life, and how to be the best version of yourself. In this upcoming season, make sure you put on your oxygen mask first. Never skip therapy day. Call my friends at BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Delaunay today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Delaunay.
All right, let's go out to Richmond, Virginia and talk to Stephanie. Hey, Stephanie, what's up? Good morning, Dr. Deloney. Thank you for taking my call. Of course. What's going on in your world?
So my question kind of boils down to how can I help my mom realize that my brother deserves a better life? You can't. What's the story? What's the story? So my younger brother is approaching his he's now in his late 20s. He has never had a job, has lived at home his whole life, and he does have Asperger's.
But my mother encourages and enables his inaction. And so anytime I bring it up saying, hey, here's some ways that you might be able to do stuff because he stated multiple times that his goal is to have independence. But he refuses to take action. And my mother enables and encourages, like I said, his inaction to meet his goal. How old is he?
He is 28, or he's 27, about to turn 28. I can't tell you how often I've run across this over the course of my career, where parents actually...
over time get their self-worth by taking care of their kid and when the greatest way to take care of your kid would be to let him go or to let him expand their their world that is a hundred percent i even wrote that down whenever i was just kind of thinking about parents yeah parents lose their identity and they can't let it go yeah golly man and then the kid's the one who suffers right because at some point your mom won't be here and your brother will be 45 years old with yeah yeah
My greatest fear is that whenever she passes, that he will follow quickly behind at his own hand. Jeez, man. And so I'm assuming you've sat down and had this hard conversation before. How'd that go?
We have had that conversation and he shut down on it. My mom did proceed to actually get a will in place. And so we have a trust set up for him because with everything for him, he's got lots of legal stuff going on in terms of benefits and stuff. So we did proceed. I did kind of force her.
To fill out a will. And that's whenever my brother started saying, I want independence. I want to live on my own. I want to do all of this grown-up stuff because he is an adult. And yet, anytime it's brought up now, the statement is, I'll think about it. Yeah. I mean, depending on how high functioning he is, anything he does is going to be a slight to his mom.
Mm-hmm. Right? He's going to feel disloyal. Yes. If he goes and gets a job, he's going to feel like he is being disloyal to mom. If he goes and moves in his own apartment, mom's going to say things like, I can't do this without you. What's going to happen to my baby? Right? And depending on how he is, and again, that's such a wide spectrum, but depending on how he is internalizing those social situations, it feels like someone's lighting a fire inside of his chest.
Yeah. Unless you know him, he's just a little quirky. Like he's socially awkward. And so. I am too. Exactly. It's like, I'm socially awkward. He just takes it to a whole new level. Sure. But he would be in your, in your, I mean, you've known him for, for 30 years in his, in your estimation, he could go get a job. He could live on his own. He could have a fun life.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Like I even I haven't sent it over to him, but I even put together a spreadsheet on how he can like learn the different things, kind of take care of a house and learn it slowly so he can learn it over time and kind of help him proceed with becoming with gaining that independence. But I haven't sent it over because I'm not sure if that's overstepping or not. What does a meltdown in his world look like?
He kind of goes catatonic. Okay. He just kind of shuts down, doesn't talk, just kind of stares off into the distance. Okay. So he doesn't engage in self-harm or he doesn't destroy things or get overwhelmed? Okay. This goes to mute. Okay. Here's my opinion on this. Y'all are all adults, so I don't know there's an overstep here. Just know that whatever step you take may cost you something.
I'm of the opinion for that for him. That's that's, I would be read. I would be, I don't want there to be a conversation left unsaid if something goes sideways. Okay. I want to know that I opened up my house and said, Hey, you come live with me and transition over the next five months from here to a full working adult and I'll help you get an apartment or Hey mom, you have to give him a deadline. I don't have to do anything like whatever. Um,
And she doesn't, by the way. Yeah. But be able to say, like, I think what you're doing is abusive. I think what you're doing is cruel. It's cruel. Yeah. And she can say, get out and never talk to me again. At this point, maybe at 15, I wouldn't say anything, right? Because you're just a kid living under somebody else's roof. But at your age, at his age, I'm going to have direct conversations with adults and hopefully they can handle it like adults. And then he's going to need a ton of grace, man. This whole thing's going to be new to him.
He said 10 years of his adult life stolen from him. Yeah. Does he have a degree? Those are the exact words that I've had in my head. Does he have a college degree? Oh, no, no. He went to a semester and failed out because he didn't want to do the homework. Okay. Does he have any ABA resources? Is he working with somebody in a local community?
Yes. He has an aide and they're supposed to be teaching him how to do stuff around the house and like gain that independence that he's looking for. But I have seen no action in many years. Okay. Yeah. I don't see any major thing happening unless your mom kicks him out. Okay. And you and I both know that's probably not going to happen. Yeah. He is not going to suddenly, I mean, it would be strange for him to suddenly like see the light and just move out and become autonomous. Yeah.
Yeah. Does he love you? Does he respect you? He and I have our difficulties, but yes. I mean, are you in a position that he could come stay with you for a few months while he transitioned from mom's house to the real world? Possibly. I live across the country, so it'd be taking him out of a pretty big comfort zone. Yeah. I wonder if even if that offer, um, and if you sent him like, and again, I know there's a wide range of functioning here, so I may be under overselling things.
Um, but I wonder what, like a, let's say he is in, I don't know, California and you're in Richmond. It'd be pretty cool to mail him up like a box with a book on Richmond, a fiction book on Richmond, a map of Mick of rich. Like, I don't know what he's into, but a way that he could begin to wrap his head around this mystical place on the other side of the planet. And for someone who doesn't go anywhere, who doesn't do anything and lives probably a pretty isolated social media, internet life, um,
You can begin to visualize yourself in different spaces in a way that others might be able to pick up a little bit quicker. Okay. Maybe nonsense, maybe total nonsense. I'm just trying to think of a way to flip the switch where you would have some sort of seat at the table here, but it's going to cost, like I said, it's going to cost you your own, man, four months of, ah, right? Yeah. Yeah.
And maybe that's not possible. Yeah, I'm willing to do it. It might take a little convincing on my husband's side, but I can work on that. Some folks shut down as they begin to feel a little bit more independence and responsibility. Others begin to smile. They like it. They've never had it, and it feels good. It's like doing a workout for the first time.
You're like, oh man, I'm stronger than I thought. This feels good. I can't wait to get in here tomorrow. The next day you're sore. It's just going to be a walkthrough. But I'm totally in your camp. I just can't sleep anymore not having hard conversations with people that I love and care about, especially when somebody's being cruel. And I don't say this lightly, but your mom's stolen a decade of his life.
by coddling and overprotecting. And I know that because I've worked at multiple universities. I've worked at law school. I mean, I was a doctoral professor. Like I've met with students who are diagnosed as high functioning autistic and they're amazing. They're amazing how they solve problems and get through the program. Does it take some extra support services? Of course it does.
And are they people I would hire? Yes. And I've also seen lower functioning or even inaudible autistic kids, college students, so they're grownups, do amazing things like in theater programs and other educational output. So the name of the game is early and the name of the game is resources and support and the name of the game is scaffolding. I'll walk with you, but I can't hold this thing up. I believe in you and I trust in you.
And unfortunately for your brother, he hadn't got that. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry for him. I'm sorry for you. I'm sorry for your mom. I mean, that's just tough. But yeah, I'm with you. Don't leave any conversation unspoken while also knowing your mom may cut you off. Your brother may cut you off. You may lose a lot. And if it's worth it that you can sleep at night and I say, I say more power to you. Thanks for the call, Stephanie. Appreciate you. We'll be right back.
All right, I want to talk about Halo. It's an app that I use just about every single day. So we're here at the end of summer trying to fit in that last minute vacation, trying to figure out where all of our money went and trying to plan for the start of school. And it's chaos. It's chaos. It's chaos in your life and it's chaos in mine.
And it's this season when it's super important to make sure you double and triple down on your exercise practices, your counseling, your relationships, and your spiritual health. And if you're a person of faith or if you're just curious and you don't know anything about this faith, prayer, whatever stuff, don't let your daily prayer or your meditation practices or your questions go unanswered or by the wayside. Don't let your still time with God go.
As things ramp up and get more and more chaotic, we have to choose to slow down and focus on the things that really, really matter.
And in addition to my conversations with my friends and my personal reading and journaling time, Hallow helps me stay on point with my spiritual practices. Hallow is an app that's easy to download right to your phone and it is packed with daily prayers, lecture series, meditations, music, stories, nighttime sleep programs, and more. Hallow is the number one prayer app in the world. And it's simple, it's super high quality, and you can personalize it based on wherever you happen to be in your spiritual life.
I use it on my drive to work, when I'm sitting in front of my red light, sometimes when I'm out walking my dogs, and I even listen to some of the music when I'm writing.
Hallow has a journaling feature for your own personal reflection. I could go on and on. It's got everything. Here's what's really cool. This month, Hallow has special guests each week walking us through the lives of some incredible historical saints, learning more about their life, their faith, their story, and ultimately their surrender to God's call on their life. Hallow's Saints in Seven Days series dives deeper into the lives of these prominent saints, exploring their journey to sainthood and how it relates to our own lives.
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All right, let's roll out to Toledo, Ohio and talk to Jake. What's up, Jake? Not much, Dr. John. What's up with you? Party, man. What's happening?
All right. So I'm just going to get right into it. So the last several months, I've really been considering moving out of state. And the reason I'm calling is I have three nieces that I'm very close to. I love very much. I see them almost every day. I'm on FaceTime with them every single day, usually multiple times a day. And when
When I think about moving, I want to do it, but I just feel this immense guilt at the thought of leaving these girls when I'm such a big part of their life. And I don't, I guess my question is, am I being selfish for moving out of state and leaving those girls behind? And also, will it have any long-term negative impact on them? Man, dude, they're lucky to have you. Thank you. You're like the best uncle ever, huh?
I love him very much. Do you get to...
Well, I could just go down a rabbit hole. I love great uncles and aunts. I feel like they just get licensed to kind of just be bananas and I love it. Yeah. I love it. That's what I do. Good. My sister, sometimes she's like, uncle Jakey, why are you teaching them that? I'm like, it's my job. It's my, that's your job. I told all my nieces like, Hey, when the time comes for tattoos, I'm buying and I'll go with you. Right. So yes. Good for you. Um, all right. So the ultimate answer to your question is your nieces will be fine.
you, even if you moved to Beijing tomorrow, you would, um, still stay connected to them. You'd still FaceTime them. You'd still write them letters. So you would be less present, but they're going to be fine. Um, they've got good moms and dads. I'm assuming they have good parents. Yes. Great. Yeah. So they're going to, they're going to be fine. Are they going to miss you? Like, like all get out. Of course they are. You're an amazing uncle. Um,
My fear is that you have talked yourself into a circle here because you want to go explore and see the world. And you've talked yourself into a loop and suddenly you not going, they're becoming either the reason you can't go, which you're blaming them, or they're going to be the reason, uh, they're going to be the reason you can't go. So I don't want them to have that responsibility. I want you just to be, how old are you?
28. Yeah, dude, I want you to be 28 and just say, I'm a 28. I'm a grown up. I can do whatever I want.
I know. And that's, that's how I feel. I just, I, I mean, like I said, 28 single debt free. Like if there's a time to make a big move, this is it. I don't feel like it could get any more perfect. It was probably five years ago, but yeah, go. Where do you want to go? Where do you want to go? Yeah. Austin, Texas. Like, like ever. The other half of the known universe is going to Austin. Dude, it's a great place to be. It's a fun place to be. It's chaotic. There's great music. There's, I,
Out of this world food. There's all kind of rando fun people to meet. Brilliant people. Yeah, totally. With everything that's going on down there and there's so many more opportunities to go experience different things. And I've lived in the same small town my whole life. I've never lived anywhere different. I've never lived away from my family. And
I just want that freedom. I want to be able to do something on my own. And I just, I do feel bad for leaving the girls and my sister, which she's, this isn't a bad thing. I know she's just concerned, but she, you know, you're one of their favorite people. You're one of their most important people. I know, but. You're probably also a free babysitter too, aren't you?
I do help out. Yeah, you do. Yeah, you do. Yeah, and you give her, your sister, who's probably amazing, an excuse to not dig in and get deeper friendships, to get more connected, to get on that app where you interview babysitters. Because we got Uncle Jake. We always got Uncle Jake. And so you've probably heard me say this a lot. I always want people to choose guilt over resentment. And if you don't go...
Now, by the way, put back up. What do you do for a living? I'm a realtor. Okay. So you're going to get your Texas license and just start slinging houses? That's the plan. All right. Great timing for realtors right now, right? Jeez Louise. Yeah. So I would make a plan to go and then I would give myself 24 months. If I haven't made a sale in 24 months, in two years, and I've burned through everything I got,
um that market's hot but the real estate the realtors are hot there too right everybody's cooking so i'm gonna go down there and give it a shot and i got 24 months just like i'm getting a graduate degree and when it's over i can go back to toledo with my head held high i went and experienced something cool it was fun and now i'm gonna go be with my family or you find your gang you find your tribe you get plugged in you start doing great work i mean the whole thing sounds awesome um
I don't want you to end up 45, still in the same small town, wishing and wondering what it would have been like, and you to slowly resent those nieces of yours. Yeah. I couldn't leave because of y'all. I couldn't do it because of y'all. But they can't carry that burden. It's not theirs to carry. Yeah. I think it'd be fun to go, man. And by the way, I'm also becoming more and more...
I don't have a very clean way to say this. So it's still in the thought jumbled thought process in my brain. But I've been reading a lot on the history of families and the history of marriages and the history of how people did life. And for all of human history, we've grown up with a whole bunch of cousins and aunts and uncles and wackadoos and regulars and just strays in our homes.
And so this idea that we just do life all by ourself and we pack up it, like I want you to know there's going to be a season of loneliness that you're gonna have to work really hard to overcome. Yeah. Okay. Cause all the things that make to like Toledo, Ohio, like this small town, like suffocate you is also the thing that pumps oxygen into your blood.
You know who to call. You know how things work. You know the culture. You know the language. You know how everything works, and you're going to go to a totally new environment. And so your first thing, like you're going to get a place to live. The second thing you do before you start hitting all the Mexican food spots, the second thing you do, you're going to find a gang. You're going to find a tribe. You're going to find a group of people to like plug into and to get close with, and that's going to be the way to go. So I'm proud of you, dude. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. And let's also say this. If you get on for six months,
And it's awful. You make no sale. You've got no friends. Go back. Break your lease for a couple grand and go back to Toledo. You're not in the pass fail game. You're in the life experience game. You can go experience something. And if people in Toledo are like, oh, we knew it. You'd be back. Yeah, I love you guys. Cool. Y'all won like an award or something. You didn't fail anything. You didn't fail anything. You went and saw some cool stuff.
And so even if it's 28, you don't owe anybody anything in the world. You have a relatively transferable professional position. Just take a six-month hiatus. Go do it right now. Go have fun before life's responsibilities get heavier in other places. But I'm all for it, dude. And I think you honor those little girls. You write them letters every week or every other week. You FaceTime every few days like,
You're not going to be as disconnected as you think you are, even though you won't be there in person. And you're always going to be one flight away. Or from Austin to Toledo, maybe seven flights and four hours of driving. But, dude, I'm proud of you. They are lucky to have Uncle Jake in their life. It's amazing. Go get him, dude. We'll be right back.
What's up, friends? Dr. John Deloney here. Tickets are selling like madhouse for the money in marriage getaway happening over Valentine's Day weekend in 2025.
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She says, am I the problem? Or rather, is my husband the problem? Or rather. Yes. So this was a little convoluted. That's a good Taylor Swift cut. Like, no, you're the problem. It's you. That'd be a great part too. It's not me. It's you. All right. We do not like my sister's boyfriend. There's a lot to this, but the main points are he doesn't fight for his daughters the way a father should. He allows them to be in harm's way at their mother's house and refuses to fight for custody.
She doesn't give any reason for this, so there we go. He has cheated at least once on my sister, and my sister isn't confident that it won't happen again. When they argue, he's extremely disrespectful. He says mean things just to win, and he gaslights her. I told my sister that I do not support her relationship, but I always will be there for her. Next year, we're planning a family vacation at my father-in-law's vacation home to celebrate my parents' wedding anniversary.
My husband has stated that because it's his family's home, he can set the boundaries and that my sister's boyfriend is not welcome. I honestly don't know if my sister would come or not if we said that he wasn't welcome. Is my husband being a child or is that a fair boundary for him to set? I think I live by the idea that anybody can create any boundary that they would like to create. And the ripple effects happen as ripple effects happen. But I mean, just listening, I don't want that idiot in my house.
And I'm probably would allow it because I, I tend to lean towards peace. Um, but what I don't allow is those behaviors in my house. And so, um, I probably let him come and I might even have like, I might even call him or have a face-to-face conversation and say, Hey,
I appreciate the way you talk to kids. That's not going to happen in this house at this time. You can come. We'd love to have you. But anytime this happens, you're out. Okay? And I just want everybody to be on the same page. And then he gets to opt in or out too. That's probably how I'd handle that. I just don't do well with people disrespecting kids. I don't do well with people disrespecting
And I just don't. I don't do well with disrespect. I just think it's stupid and it's ugly. And so that's probably how I'd handle that. But no, the thing I want to say, that guy can't come to my house. He's not coming to my house. He can do whatever he wants, right? It might cost him. Maybe her sister's not going to show up. Okay. Her sister gets to decide that, right? What do you think? I think you're right because I think that, I mean, he hasn't done anything like,
He's not starting fights or he's not been a jerk to them. And there's also a lot of, my only thing I question is a lot of like, well, I heard this from her that he's done this. So it makes you wonder. But I would probably do the same thing. I would probably say, of course he can come because their relationship is between them. Assuming he's not hurting people, not hurting his daughters and who knows the real situation. But maybe a conversation would be a good idea.
But he does get to set the boundaries, but again, you got to deal with the consequences. Comes with consequences. And I have no problem. I've had to do this over the years, like,
Step step out and just be like hey, we're not this you can't say that in here. Can't say that here It's not funny here everybody cool. It's a yeah, I've never had somebody be like are you kidding because my house right? And if I'm at somebody's house and that's going on I can leave I say hey, I'd sign for us to bounce right and so yeah I think it's just taking ownership, but that's what I would do. That's what I would do. So are you the problem?
I don't think there's a problem here. I think it's just somebody needs to set a boundary and then just deal with the consequences of it. And hold. Hey, thank you all so much for being with us today. Be nice to each other. Set good boundaries. But also don't be a goofball about it. And tip somebody outrageously today. Just tip the waitress or the waiter insanely. Insanely. Put some light out into the world. Love you guys. Bye.