My New Wife Hid Her Disordered Eating
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Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I found out that my wife has been struggling with an eating disorder for about two years. She just feels very strongly that she can tackle it on her own. I do not have any confidence that she can tackle a two-year disordered eating challenge by herself.

What's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee. So glad that you've joined us. Talking about your emotional health, your mental health, your relationships, your marriage, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life.

I'm here. I'm going to sit with you and we're going to figure out what to do next. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. Anything, anytime, give me a buzz. Let's go out to Chattanooga, Tennessee, right down the street and talk to Cody. Hey, Cody, what up? Hey, Dr. John, how's it going? I'm all right, brother. How are you, man?

Doing all right. I just wanted to congratulate you real quick on the success the show's been having. You and your team just do great work, so I'm really happy to see all the success you guys have had. I appreciate that, man. We're all just shaking our heads. It's hard to believe, but we're grateful for you.

Hey, well, my question is, I just got married a month ago. Congratulations. Thank you. Yeah, I've been so happy. I married my high school sweetheart, and I've just been the happiest I've ever been. Marriage has just made everything about life better. That's awesome. I found out about a week ago that my wife has been struggling with an eating disorder, and she's been struggling with it.

for about two years. Um, and so I can give you some more context, but ultimately my question is how do I support her as somebody who is not an expert? And also how do I encourage her to reach out for help when she refuses to? Hmm. How'd you come to find out?

So a couple of months ago, she had mentioned that years ago she had struggled. In her words, she said, I was a little bulimic and said that she had dealt with it and had been better for a while.

Um, and so foolishly, I guess I just kind of took that at face value and I didn't really ask any more questions. I didn't keep an eye out for things, but then about a week ago, um, I just heard her in the bathroom and it was pretty violent. And so when, when she came out, I asked her, Hey, did you just throw up? And, um, she said yes. And so we had a discussion about it and she said that she had

had actually still been purging at least two or three times a day every day for the last two years. Okay. Yeah, man. All right. So here's a couple of things at play. Okay. And we're going to work backwards. Okay. So we're actually going to work forwards. And so the most complicated, hard part of this is the distorted eating part. So we're going to get to that, but I want to acknowledge what happened and how you're going to move forward on the front end. Okay. Is that cool?

sounds good all right here's issue number one you feel like your wife lied to you and deceived you for two years high school sweetheart i know everything about her i know everybody she's ever kissed everybody she ever held hands with i know what scares her and all this and then all of a sudden this comes up that can often make us feel scared angry powerless how are you feeling finding this out and just kind of sitting in it for a second

Um, I've felt mainly just a little bit stupid, um, not seeing the signs. Um, I, I haven't had any kind of anger towards her. I understand that. Um, you know, one of the main emotions associated with this is just shame. And so I've, I've had things in my life that I've been ashamed about. So I completely understand that it's not something that she wanted to be upfront about.

Um, I, I mainly just feel upset with myself that I, I didn't see the signs and I couldn't help her earlier. Well, good on you. You've got a very healthy perspective of this, except I want you to not blame yourself because it says little to nothing to do with you. Okay. Okay. Um, the more you beat yourself up, the more, um,

as she's trying to get some sort of like grasping at ghosts for control in her world when you make this about you too that's yet another thing that that is taken does that make sense and it sounds strange um no yeah but i appreciate you loving her enough that you know she's sick and she wasn't trying to lie to you and that she's been struggling and if she had a path to reach to you she would have

Right? Yeah. Most of us make these kind of things about ourselves and you haven't done that except that you're now you're blaming yourself for missing it. That just means you love her and I'm happy that you have that kind of spirit. But every time you start to feel that shame, I want you to exhale and say, I've loved her the best I could over the last few years. Okay? I want you to not carry that brick around because it's going to make it heavier as you enter into this new season with her. Okay? Okay. Now in retrospect...

and this is for everybody listening, but also with you. In retrospect, often people who are struggling with something will practice. They will put something out on the table a little bit, a little bit blurry vision of reality and of truth to see what we're going to do with it. So, for instance, in my house, I'm always having to tell my wife because a lot of the...

All my read, a lot of my reading, a lot of my scholarly stuff that I still dig into the research stuff is on infidelity on people's fantasies. And so I'm always having to tell my wife, Hey, have you ever had this kind of fantasy? Have you ever, has this ever popped into your head? And I always have to say, and I'm just doing research. Like I'm not testing it. Right.

But sometimes people say, so-and-so at work just found out that their husband cheated. Like, what would you even do, right? Actually, they're struggling, right? They found themselves over their head. Or in your situation, hey, I used to struggle with this. And there's kind of a dot, dot, dot after it, right? And now that you know that happened, I think it's fair to come back and say, hey, I recognize you put this on the table and I missed it.

And I need you to know I'm going to love you until the end of time and sickness and in health till death do us part. There's nothing you can bring to the table that's going to send me running away. You see that sort of reassurance? Yeah, definitely. Okay. So I don't want you to blame any, you didn't miss anything. You didn't even know. Right. And now you're going to start looking back and going, Oh, this. And every time we went out to dinner, she got it from the table. And every time we went to breakfast, she got it from the table and you're going to start to see it.

And you just have to know, you've got a new pair of glasses now. This is wisdom, right? And we're going to move forward, not backwards. Is that fair? That's fair. Okay. Now, she doesn't want to get help for this. Tell me about that. Yeah, so I...

told her, we had a long conversation about this last week and, um, she had told me about the things that she had been struggling with. And after talking about it for a while, I said, you know, I'm not an expert on this, but I really feel like you probably should talk to an expert and get help. I don't know if this is something that you can really tackle on your own. And she just feels very strongly that she can tackle it on her own. She,

She's just a very independent person, and I have confidence in her. I just don't know anything. I have zero. None. Not one shred. No, let me take that back. I have confidence in her. I do not have any confidence that she can tackle a two-year disordered eating challenge by herself. None. Yeah. Absolutely not.

And because of my previous work, two decades with college students, you can imagine I saw this a lot. You've probably Googled this, but disordered eating is known as the most lethal mental health challenge. Yeah. Right? And if it's not lethal acutely, meaning it doesn't cause the death itself, then

the downstream consequences of all sorts of heart issues and gut issues and mineral deficiency. It just has a long tail of challenge with it. Okay. And so the reality is somebody who is struggling, like I said, for control in their life, going to get help is doing the exact thing they're trying so hard to fight against, which is a loss of control. It's sitting down and saying, this is more powerful than me and I need help.

That's the inner terror that she is fighting every single day of her life. And that's the only path. Here's what's really heartbreaking. You can't make her do that. What you can do is you can go see somebody. And if your wife asks, what are you doing? Say, what your particular illness, and I think it's okay to call it an illness, is the single most devastating mental illness there is.

And, um, are lethal and I don't know how to love you through this. And so I'm going to go get some skills and some help. Okay. Another thing you can do, and this is a, um, this is the red button, right? This is the atomic response. And quite honestly, this is probably the response I would take, but I tend to be this kind of guy. Okay. Um,

I have just sat with enough people who have passed away that I'm willing to lose everything relationally in order to keep them alive. That's my own bias. That's my own calluses built up over a long time. Okay. And so if I got to burn our friendship to the ground or our relationship to the ground, cool. If you're still here in 10 years to hate me, then I win. So that's my tack. That's not for everybody. Okay. But two years, how old are y'all?

We're 21. Yeah. Y'all are very young. That's a long time. And I would be shocked if this is only two years or there wasn't some other sort of cutting or other sort of challenge before that. Do you know of anything before this? I don't know of any other kind of self-harm. I know that, um, she had a difficult childhood. She has a father who struggled with depression and, um,

Yeah, she's been through her fair share. Okay. Does she have some sorority sisters or some friends or some people that is... When you're 21, often you still have a friendship gang until y'all start marrying off, right? Do y'all have a gang of people that you could bring in to sit around a table and say, "Hey, we're all with you, but we're gonna get some help together?" We do. Okay. Yeah.

I would probably sit down with her one more time and say, I got some wisdom. I've scheduled my own appointment because I don't know how to love you through this. I just know that this is scary and terrifying. And if it's not for you, it is for me.

Yeah. And if you go get some help, I'll be right here with you. If you're not, I'm going to call all of our friends and circle up and we're going to be on you about it because we're worried about you. Okay. And give her that choice. And she will probably turn on you for a season. That's just her defending herself, okay? It's not about you loving her. It's about her being scared to death, okay? All right. And I hate that you found yourself in this situation. It's hard. Hard and scary and hard and scary and hard and scary. Yeah.

Because you love her a lot, don't you? I do. Yeah. How long have you known her? I've known her for about five or six years now. Okay. So 20% of y'all's life. Yeah. It's a long time together. Yeah, it is. Yeah.

Sorry, man. And if she wants to call a show, I'd be happy to talk to her. Or if you want to call back and get some more feedback before you pull the trigger and actually do an intervention of sorts, I'm happy to walk you all through what that would look like. But two years at this age, I just have zero.

zero percent chance zero percent confidence that she can just flip a switch and turn this thing around not given childhood trauma not given the historical pattern not given multiple years not given her one to talk about it I mean trying to stop and not being able to it's just a it's a pattern and she's just she just found herself stuck here man and it can be a dangerous one at this point yeah

Perhaps this isn't in your purview, but do you know of any resources, any people that I could reach out to just for myself? I don't know the people there in Chattanooga where you are locally. I can hook you up with three months for free with the BetterHelp folks, and that might be a place for you to start until you can get connected. Y'all are both going to need somebody in your local area that you can walk alongside.

I will tell you that I would be specific about navigating the relational challenges of loving somebody with disordered eating. It's a very unique challenge. I'm trying to clarify this as simple as possible and not talk like a nerd. If you're trying to change a different type of addiction, like you're trying to stop drinking,

One of the first things you do is you cut off ties with people who drink. You get all the alcohol out of your house. You never go buy a bar again or a liquor store, right? You can effectively cut alcohol out of your life. You cannot cut food out of your life.

So it's a different kind of the healing that has to happen has to be right through it and you have to make peace with it. And that's different than cutting it out and then healing in its absence. That's a different kind of challenge. And it just takes a particular type of expertise. It's very hard and it haunts people sometimes for their whole life. And sometimes people are incredibly resilient and they heal and it's amazing.

That's why the longer it goes, the harder these patterns get entrenched. Yeah. It seems like this week for her, she's almost been trying to approach this like quitting alcohol. She's just been eating a lot less. She's trying to sleep. Yeah, exactly. And not eating, switching to anorexia is not the solution here.

Yeah. You have to have somebody that holds your hand and walks with you. And it's hard. It's very, very hard. Okay. Okay. So hear me say, I'm trying to say it as calm as I can, but you're over your head and so is she. Okay. Okay. And I'm telling you that because I love you. But getting professional support and help ASAP and calling in people who love her that she might listen to over and above her own resistance is really important right now.

Okay. Hang on the line. We'll hook you up with that BetterHelp code and get you taken care of there. Give you somebody to call today that you can reach out to. And I'd also be on the phone to call somebody in your local area. And go to Psychology Today and you can go to the back and you can look up people in your local area who will have an expertise in, or you can Google, I say go in the back, that's the old magazine, but you can Google.

because I'm a thousand years old. But you can Google psychology today and then do a search for your zip code area and we'll bring up licensed mental health professionals in your area and look for ones that focus specifically on disordered eating and relationships. We'll go from there. Thanks for the call, brother. Thanks for being a husband that loves, loves, loves his wife and is not going to war with her or his own ego. Just wants everybody to be whole.

You're a good man, Cody. We'll be right back. All right. I want to talk about hallow. It's an app that I use just about every single day. So we're here at the end of summer, trying to fit in that last minute vacation, trying to figure out where all of our money went and trying to plan for the start of school. And it's chaos. It's chaos. It's chaos in your life and it's chaos in mine.

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All right, let's go to Detroit Rock City and talk to Sally. Hey, Sally, what up? Hi, how are you? I'm good. How are you? I am doing very well today. Awesome. What's up?

Um, so I am calling cause I am wondering how do I know when I'm done growing my family? I don't have no idea. So, so, so that's obviously a question between me and my husband, but there's some stuff in there that you might be able to help with. So let me kind of explain my situation a little bit here. Um, I have two wonderful boys, uh, age two and three months old today. And, um,

I have had two scary emergency get the baby out now C-sections. Okay. And so in order to have a third, because of what has happened medically, I would need to schedule a C-section this time, which both sounds terrifying and also like a giant relief. Sounds less terrifying than the last two times. Yeah. Okay.

It does, but putting myself into that same situation, like walking back into the lion's den, right? Well, and hey, can we just say that real quick? I'm so glad you said it that way. We just talk about C-sections like, ah, you know, I gotta have a C-section. That's a major abdominal surgery. Yeah. Cutting all your guts. I mean, it's like a really...

If you ever watched a video of that in class or, I mean, it's intense, man. So yes, I get the end, you know, like you don't just get up to go to the bathroom. It's a whole recovery process, right?

And so, yes. So you're right to be apprehensive. And on top of that, this surgery was in order to save your life the last few times, right? So there's a lot there. Good for you. Okay. Thank you. So after my first experience, I was diagnosed with postpartum anxiety and PTSD. Correct. And thought help specifically through a perinatal psychologist. Okay. Went through the EMDR process. Okay.

Came to find out that, I know you're familiar with EMDR, but basically there's like a root lie and then you work your way towards a truth. And so the root lie for me was that I had failed as a mother, that, you know, I hadn't delivered my child. I wasn't able to keep him safe. I don't know. I had many parts of it, but it all came back into I had failed as a mother. And so... I remember one woman telling me...

I had these, she said it's so funny and we both laughed, laugh, cried together. But it was like, I've been carrying around these oversized birthing hips my whole life. And then my body let me down, right? When they had to have an emergency section, but it was something about this failure as like, like I've been telling myself that this was going to, this was good. This was going to pay off someday. And then somehow I failed.

And it was that sense of letdown, which is so heavy. I had never considered that before.

Yeah, it, there, um, there definitely was a sense of like my body failed me and, um, I had a lot of anger towards the hospital. It was a, one of the big university hospitals here. Um, and, uh, you know, I had a very much feeling of you did this to me and, um, worked through, worked through some of that and then went back to that same hospital, um, for a variety of reasons to have my second, um,

And experienced almost exact same... It was a weird 2.0 version where they fixed some of the bugs, but the storyline was still the same. So I came out of that experience... Again, he's three months old today. Without birth trauma, without PTSD, without postpartum anxiety. And my husband and I have always kind of been in the two, maybe three category. And now...

I have my second child and now I need to make the decision of if I even want to have the conversation with my husband of having a third child. We have two boys. We would love to have a girl. So I don't know because my heart wants a third child, I think. But

Also, my brain says, you are not safe in labor. What the heck do you think you're doing? You are not safe in labor. You can't keep your children safe when you're in labor. Yeah.

And that, you know, they have big heart aches and then that's where we get the, we're leaving now for the emergency C-section kind of thing. So how do you, I guess that's my question. How do I wrestle with maybe wanting a third and also knowing that my brain tells me, you can't do that. That's not safe. Yeah, I think it's being honest and not avoiding the big black hole, which is grief.

i had this picture of my life here's what i wanted here's what i needed to be true here's what i hoped would be true and here's what reality has handed me and we have so much technology and so much distraction and so many things to swipe and so many of ways to avoid that as a culture we've just learned to skip over that and i think that's a chief source of anxiety in our cultures our bodies is trying to get our attention and say hey we have to spend some time grieving

And you had a picture of two little boys and a little girl, right? Yeah. And your knucklehead boys were going to grow up and be great men, and your daughter was going to be your ride or die, take care of you, like, right? Yeah, we would really like to meet Ruth. Yeah, exactly. You already named her. We did. Yeah. And yet, your body's trying to tell you this isn't safe for us and it's not safe for them.

Yeah. And that's not a fun answer. And that doesn't feel like a good way to make the decision about having a third or not. What, death? Death. Sally, that's not fear. That's death. Right? That's like saying, like, I don't... That's amazing.

Like, don't give in to the fear. That's like saying, like, when you reach into the oven, don't put on an oven mitt. Don't give in to the fear of heat. Like, no, it's hot in there. It'll burn my hand. Right? This isn't you cowering to fear. This is your body has had to be rescued by modern technology twice. Yeah. As has the lives and babies, your children.

And here's the other thing. I'm just repeating back what you told me. I'm not in a position to even assist with this conversation other than probably the greatest gift I have on the planet Earth, besides being a good husband and a good dad, is helping people own reality. Here's the truth of your story. And the truth of your story is you had an amazing picture of three kids plus an amazing husband, and it was all going to work out.

And two near-death experiences for your boys and two near-death experiences for you. And you're left going, ooh, maybe this picture's not going to come out. Like, it's not going to be the full picture that we thought. And in the moment, it feels like if this picture can't happen, then everything, I'm never going to have joy again. And it's just not true, but you're not there yet. You're going to sit in it for a while. And it's okay to be sad. Okay.

Yeah, I just, I feel like I've been robbed so much by the birth trauma that I experienced in those first snuggly days when we ended up not snuggling and back in the ER for jaundice and having lactation issues and all these other things. I feel like I was robbed of so much that I hate for birth trauma to rob me of a third child because it's not, it's not birth trauma. It's a medical reality.

Okay. Okay. Because birth trauma makes it sound like a scary thing happened and you're perceiving it and you're continuing to experience it now and it's an experiential. It's not. It's a medical reality at this point. And I want to challenge the idea that you were robbed. The picture you wanted didn't come true. But on the other hand, you have two healthy boys right now.

Ultimately, yes. Yes, we have some challenges with our second, but yes, he is healthy. Okay. He'll get there? Yeah, he'll get there. Okay, that's not robbed in my book. Okay. Yes, would have been awesome if everything was... If you had had this magical vaginal birth and then he just started...

nursing right away, and you got the skin-to-skin contact and all of the nurses like threw rose petals up. I mean, yeah, that would have been awesome. It would have been amazing. It would be, yeah. But here's, it's a common psychological quirk in our system. Say, for instance, my boss calls me and says, hey, I need you to swing by my office at four. I got great news for you. I finally got your raise approved. It's going to be a good one.

By the time I get to his office at 4 o'clock, my raise is going to be about $50,000. And then when he actually tells me, hey, your raise is $5,000, which, by the way, is an amazing raise, I feel like he took $45,000 from me. Yeah. One of the things that makes us amazing as a species is we can imagine and create a world in the future and make it so that

The problem is when it doesn't come true, we feel loss as though something was taken from us in the real world. And it robs us of that joy that's right in front of us or the miracle of an emergency C-section. Does that make sense? Yeah, it does. It's hard to see it that way. Oh, it's brutal. It doesn't make sense. It's the worst. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's terrible.

That's where, honestly, that's where the... Here's a couple of things I'd recommend you do, okay? Yeah. I would recommend you start a journal, like in a spiral notebook, or if you want to... You sound like somebody who would do it in a fancier book because you'd probably give it to them, but I'd start writing your boys' letters right now. Short little paragraphs every single day. Okay. You may want to start writing. You're only three months out, right, with your second? Yeah. So it's not time yet. Maybe after one year...

Okay. You can get a notebook and start writing to Ruth. Okay. Okay? It's not time for that yet. Right now, you're an exhausted, exhausted, still kind of nervous mom, still healing, and you're three months and you're already wondering what the next 20 years is going to look like. Stop doing this. Yeah, I'm a planner. Yeah, stop doing that. You're going to make yourself bonkers. There's a fine line between I'm a planner and a little bit psychotic, right? That's a real thin line.

Yes. When anything traumatic happens, I always tell people no big decisions for six months. That's the way I was trained. And when I experienced some significant trauma, that's how I was coached as well. And so I'll tell you the same thing. Put it on the calendar three months from now, six months after your baby's born.

When you're up bebopping around better than you are right now, your little boy is completely out of the woods, and then put on your calendar. Tell your husband, we're going to sit down and have the third baby conversation. There'll be a little more clarity. There'll be some more distance. You might want to get some medical opinions, but this isn't about, I'm not going to let the birth trauma have the final word. That's not this. That's not the situation. I'm not going to give in to fear. That's not this situation. This is two medical emergencies.

saved your life and the lives of your boys. This is more about the grief of, or the potential grief of what might be. I'm so sorry. Thank you for the call, Sally. Call anytime. I'll sit with you anytime. You're an absolute joy. You didn't do anything wrong. You're a great, great mom. And those little boys are lucky, lucky, lucky to have you. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

So my wife and I were meeting the other day about the back-to-school madness that is about to be on us. We've got my travel schedule, her work schedule, our daughter's new school and clothes and forms to fill out and all these online portals and my son's sports schedule and he's got to have shoes every two weeks because his feet won't stop growing and how are we going to pay for all this and on and on and on.

And when we step back and look at our schedule, it's so packed and we haven't even put in the things like exercise, date nights, counseling appointments, church and holiday trips and big home projects. And these are the things that make life worth living. And I listened to y'all. This is your life too. And here's what I've learned. When it comes to taking care of me, my family and my work, I have to begin with the things that matter most and the things that keep me well and whole so I can wade into the chaos and be sturdy and present and strong.

you too. So as you're planning your upcoming end of summer and fall plans, make sure you don't skip date nights, don't skip regular exercise, and don't skip your regular therapy appointments. Yes, therapy can be hard work, but it can also help make the rest of your life possible.

When it comes to therapy, I want you to consider calling the team at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy staffed with licensed therapists. It's convenient, it's flexible, and it's suited to fit your schedule.

With a good therapist, you can learn things like positive coping skills, how to set boundaries, how to deal with all the chaos going on in your life, and how to be the best version of yourself. In this upcoming season, make sure you put on your oxygen mask first. Never skip therapy day. Call my friends at BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney.

Alright, we are back. I'm going to interrupt this show. And instead of taking a third call, I want you to hang with me for just a few minutes, okay? This is important enough that we're going to burn a call here and talk about this. And I'm talking about it for two reasons. One, I want you guys to see what action looks like in reality.

And I want you to send this clip to every teacher, school administrator, superintendent, school board member that you have in your phone, in your email list. I want you to send this to everybody. Okay? Because this is what action and care actually looks like in the real world.

This is from KCCI.com, which is a local news affiliate. And I have no idea whether it's what the letters are of the call station. I don't know what political aisle. I don't care about any of that nonsense. It's from Des Moines, Iowa.

says there's a new call to action at Des Moines Hoover High School to improve mental health. The school will no longer allow students to use cell phones, headphones, or AirPods during the school day in the upcoming year. This is what leadership looks like right now in real time. If schools took the initiative to ban cell phones, you can't have them. If I see them, I take them.

and to deal with dramatic, over-the-top, insecure parents, and also got rid of headphones and AirPods, made people be in community with other people. You can have headphones at athletic events or when you're out running or doing whatever, but in school, you have to be in school. You have to be present with each other. The early literature is telling us that this is transformative. Back to the article.

One of the students said, I feel like a lot of my mental issues were definitely amplified by the use of my phone because it provides distractions. When I'm on my phone, I'm either just talking to friends or loved ones and I scroll Instagram a lot. School administrators worry their students' sense of disconnection is impacting their well-being. Read Jonathan Hyatt's masterpiece. It is. This fall, Hoover's ditching digital distraction to improve mental health. It's part of the Hoover mental health movement. Here's the key for me.

A lot of schools are doing extra little classes or they're doing our seminars or they're getting all the students into the school cafeteria to talk about their mental health. And the whole time the kids are on their phones, the whole time the kids are playing on their iPads, the whole time kids have iPod or AirPods and listening to whatever podcast or, or, or music or whatever. And so all the attention is on the periphery or even worse, uh,

My kid in his former school had a pop-up. Hi, I'm your AI friend. And it's an artificial intelligence app to help with your mental health and help you feel not so alone. Good God almighty, dude. Wow. That's like looking at a kid who's struggling with cigarettes and being like, hi, let's take the filter off. It'll make the cigarette, it'll make your buzz better. It's insane.

Under the Hoover mental health movement, it will require a phone and headphone free environment during the 2024 school year. Administrators are also encouraging parents and caregivers to wait to introduce cell phones to youth until 14 years old. Here's why I love what the school is doing. Oh, by the way, they're also encouraging young people to not use social media until 16.

Let's be honest. If you're going to give a kid a phone, it's like piling up a whole bunch of old playboys and being like, all right, kids, don't look at those. Right. So the goal is to get rid of the nonsense. But if you hand 14 year olds a phone, they're going to get social media on it, period. Unless you really work hard and do a lot of things in your home. But here's what I love what the schools are doing.

They are taking the step to socially norm this behavior because parents don't like to feel like they're quote unquote the only one. I'm a parent and I get it. I don't mind it, but I get it. It's annoying being the only one. And it's especially heartbreaking when my son looks at me and says, I'm the only one, dad, please, not me. Or my daughter says, dad, I'm the only one, please. And I get that. I hate it. So good on the school for taking the social initiative to say, hey, all parents, please stop.

and you can't bring it here if every high school in the country if every middle school in the country would take this initiative i'm telling you right now there would be a global exhale in schools and students would engage because there's nothing else to do and students would talk to each other because there's no one to interact with and yes there'd be social anxiousness for a bit of course they're out of practice

And then it would come back, and then it would come back. And if schools then got rid of insane things like silent lunches and let kids talk to each other and let high school kids interact and laugh and have fun and, yes, be a little bit loud, be humans, go outside, you're talking about a restoration, slowly but surely, of American childhood.

something that's been robbed of them by their devices and by the adults in their lives, desperate for improved test scores. The article ends with something from the principal who says, "What we're going to see is not just grades increased, but the quality of the students' work, the creativity, the invention. That's what we're even more excited for." Amen, Hoover High School. Well done. To every other teacher, high school administrator, principal, school board member,

Here's the challenge. I just laid it down. Let's lead. Your move. Let's go change kids' lives. Yes, we're going to have to fight parents. Yes, we're going to have to listen to... Who cares? It's time we take back our children's lives. School administrators, you're losing. Let's flip the script. Game on. Your move.

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All right, we're back. Am I the problem, Kelly? All right, before I start this, people, please, please, please, please send me your am I the problems. I know y'all got problems. And you got people that think they're the problem and all this. So please send them to me. Make sure you put them in there. Put it there, am I the problem. And keep them short and send them to me. I'm running out and I also need some cool crap that happens stuff. So send me those, please. All right.

So this is from Tiffany in a city that I can't pronounce in Illinois. Is she running just as fast as she can, can, can? Yes. Holding on to one another's hands, hands, hands. They're trying to get away into the night. Into the night. Yes. Love Tiffany. I do too. She's great. All right. Anywho. All right, Tiffany, what have you done now? Besides write an amazing song. Actually, that was a Beatles song, wasn't it? Was it? Don't take this from me. Okay. Sorry. Nevermind. Am I the jerk for not wanting to move? Yes.

We've been married for 21 years. My husband has worked at his current job for nine years and has moved a few jobs over the last few years prior to that. To get to this job, we had to move two hours away from our families and the town we both grew up in. He doesn't like his boss or some of the other people he works with. He wants to move our family to the south. His reasoning is because he's always wanted to live there and that his grandparents and their families were from there. Not there now, but originally from there.

He also believes he will like everyone in the South. Okay, sorry. Sorry. Yes, you're the jerk. Let the guy go back to his roots. I'll let me finish. All right. This move would put us further away from our aging parents. We have three boys who are now fully integrated into our new hometown. In this last nine years, they have made good lifelong friendships.

I have also made several good friends. My husband has made the comment that he could, quote, leave tomorrow and no one would even know it. That is true for him, but it is not true for the rest of us. Am I the jerk for not wanting to leave? No, you're not. Your husband is running just as fast as he can, can, can. But I don't think they're holding on to one another's hands. He is holding on to nothing. Yeah. Yeah, he is recognizing he is living a quiet life of desperation. And...

He's just going to keep moving around until he thinks he can find it. And he's played around on the internet long enough to know that here in the South, and he's right, people are nice in the South. And by the way, I was in New York a few weeks ago. People were nice there too. Not everybody, but not everybody's nice in the South, but it's a fantasy that somewhere not here, life will be better. And most of the time outside of abusive situations, it's not true.

Like your joy and happiness are inside of you and your relationships are all around. You just got to plug into them. Is that awkward? Yep. Is it weird? Yep. Is it especially hard for middle-aged adult men? Super hard. And that's your path forward. That's what you got to go do. So go make it happen. No, you're not the jerk.

I would like to point out, Joe just reminded me that it was Tommy James and the Shondells. That's right. Not the Beatles song that she did. She did a Beatles song as well, covered it, but this one was not it. Way to go, Joseph. But it's a great song. I'm going to sing that song all day long. Love you guys. Bye. Bye.