My Husband Would Rather Be With His Ex-Girlfriend
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Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I found messages to his ex. I guess she broke his heart, broke up with him, and he never was quite over it. He told her that they can't be together now, but one day he'll show up on her doorstep like a stranger and they can start all over. He is in a fantasy world.

What's up? What up? What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad you're with us. Talking about your marriages or your friendships or your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. Leave a message and Kelly will holla back at you if you are on the show. She selects you to be on the show or you can go to johndeloney.com slash ask ASK. And yes, Kelly is a holla back girl.

I don't know what that means. Is that an insult? I don't know. I mean, I loved that song when it came out. Big fan of No Doubt. I really have no idea. I know. You were 73 when that song came out. You were like, what? You had to ring Janet at the switchboard. For those that are new, I would like to say. Call Janet at the switchboard. John and I are four years apart. I ain't no hollaback girl. Let's go out to Jonesboro, Arkansas. Man, I'm not making any jokes. Talk to Ashley. Hey, Ashley, what's up?

Hi. How's it going? Good, thank you. Awesome. What's up? How can I help? I wanted to ask how I should go about dealing with finding messages from my husband to his ex, promising that one day he will be with her, but just not now. Okay.

Tell me, are you okay? Yeah. Okay. Does this feel weird to say that out loud? Is it just weird to be talking on the show? No, it's hard to say out loud, honestly. Okay, tell me more about it. How ex and how old? Tell me everything. Okay, so we've been together for 12 years, and we've only been married for two. Y'all dated for a decade? Yeah.

Yeah. Dang. We have four kids together. Cool. Okay. And this was his, okay, so I found messages to his ex that is his high school sweetheart. I guess she broke his heart, broke up with him, and he never was quite over it. Hold on. How old are y'all now? We're 35, both of us.

Yeah, so all this time, it's kind of, like, weird for me that...

Okay, so over the years, he's kind of gotten in touch with her every once in a while, and they kind of do this how have you been thing. And I would always say, hey, you know, I'm not comfortable with that, and have him block her or whatever. But then at some point a year later or so, she would get unblocked, and then I would see...

But from what I could tell, it wasn't anything past, you know, a quick hi. And then I was pregnant with my third child, so two years ago, and I saw messages back and forth with them that were more than just talking. It was quite a bit of complimenting each other and a lot of, I don't know, him giving details of our kids and just kind of more intimate talking, I guess.

That turned into an issue, but I got over it, I guess, because he told me that he was just going to stop talking to her. And as far as I know, he did. But then I was pregnant with my fourth child, who I just had him a month ago.

This was like back in January or February. And I found messages that he, they're talking back and forth like they love each other. And he, at some point he told her that they can't be together now, but one day he'll show up on her doorstep like a stranger and they can start all over. I guess he's,

Making it sound like he needs to stay with me and be this good guy to help raise our children together. And then, I guess, do something for him later in life, which would be be with who he really is supposed to be with. Which I know this all sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud, but when I talk to him... Yeah, I mean, it sounds like he is in a fantasy world.

I'm not excusing it. So let me just back out. Like, I still am friends with several people that I dated back in high school. I also met people back in high school, and I had my heart broken regularly in high school. One, I was an idiot. A bona fide idiot. And, like, when you're in love in high school, it just feels... It's the best, right? Yeah. And so...

Still being friends, that's number one. Number two, this idea that like... The whole thing is a fantasy, right? Yeah. And he can gallop around in this fantasy world...

Because he knows he's not doing this. You see what I'm saying? Like, none of this is real. At the same time, A, don't do that. And B, because it's dangerous, right? Because she might show up somewhere or he might show up somewhere, right? And so you're playing with fire. But bigger than all of that is 10 years ago, you asked him not to talk to this woman because you didn't have a good feeling about it. Right. And he's continually rubbed your nose in...

Your request for fidelity. Yeah, it's kind of haunting me. Yeah, yeah. And almost always, this isn't the only place that somebody like that does this. Where else does he completely ignore what you need or what you want?

Pretty much on every level. He breaks up with me all the time, which is the craziest thing. He'll actually stop speaking to me for a week and then he'll say, you know, he doesn't want to be together. He wants to be

He will never say divorce. He calls it a relationship. He doesn't even call it a marriage. I just feel so degraded all the time, kind of. Well, you dated him for a decade, and you had children with him before you're married, so this is what you signed up for. Yeah, I know. My guess is he's been the same. He's been pretty consistent for 12 years, right? Yeah. Yeah, and you got married thinking this would all switch.

I did because I wanted to be married before we had children. But you had children before you were married? Yeah. Yeah. So somewhere along the way, you just started accepting. I don't know. It sounds like he's been pretty consistent this whole time. Well, I never thought that he would ever cheat on me or talk about cheating on me or go in that direction. He just ignores you for a week and breaks up with you regularly and won't even refer to you as his wife?

- Yeah, I mean, I guess since I had my third child, that's kind of been the thing for him to do, so that's been about two years now. I guess since we got married, that was the trigger, I guess. - But then you made another human with him. - Yeah.

It's so much to unpack, but well, what he'll do is he'll take back all of the negative things that he says to me, and he will make me think he just said it because he was in a bad mood. Both of those things can be true. It doesn't make it right. Yeah. I'm often not who I want to be when I'm in a bad mood, but if I act like an idiot, then I'm still an idiot. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's not like a universal path. I know. Yeah.

But he... So, I don't... Let me ask you this. How can I help you? Well, um...

I could stay and just let him continue doing this this way because my... Well, for one, I feel like I have... I'm pretty isolated. I have no family here. And he says that I can't leave because I would be taking the kids out of state to go live with my parents. And I'm a stay-at-home mom, and I don't...

I don't have any money myself, so that would be my solution for leaving. Or I could stay and be... Ashley, are you safe? Yes. You don't sound safe. I've talked to people who are not safe my whole life, my whole career. I'm safe. I'm just very... I'm emotionally...

distraught, I guess. - And you have a one month old, right?

Yeah, so what happened was my entire pregnancy, he was telling me that he didn't want to be with me, but he was going to let me stay at home. And so I was very depressed the entire time, and he didn't care, and he was very cold to me. But then just about three weeks ago, he completely switched and has been telling me he

He wants everything to be better and he wants to stay together and he's been very nice and kind and I'm so confused by it. It really just throws me up and down. Sure. It sounds like he's the kite and you're the tail of that kite just getting dragged all over the place. And the only way a marriage, especially a marriage with four kids, the only way marriage works is if two people sit down and say, here's what we both need, here's what we both want,

and here's what we're going to build together. It can't be you living outside on the front lawn in the tent and just some guy coming out the front door at random intervals saying, you can come on in. Where you been? Come on in. You can't live like that. And your four kids can't live like that. The challenge you have before you is this has been your relational dynamic for 12 years. This is a bed that y'all co-created together.

Yeah. And if he was on the phone, I would talk man-to-man to him, and the way he's treating you is wrong, and it's disrespectful, and it's shameful, all that. And you've had four kids with a guy who's been the same way for more than a decade. He's never changed. I know. And so you've been with a rattlesnake, and you've dated a rattlesnake, and you created people with a rattlesnake, and now you've suddenly got upset that he keeps biting you. Yeah. Yeah.

And now there's a lot at stake. There's four new lives at stake here. Yes. And so I don't see a path forward without professional intervention. Really? Yeah, of course. You have to get a marriage therapist of some sort to sit down and sort this out. Because he is going to have to decide, I am a different human starting now. And I've seen that done, and it's hard.

And you are going to have to decide, I'm going to be a different human starting now. He is going to have to honor and respect you and be a present father and a present husband. And y'all are going to have to learn how to be friends for the first time in a decade. And you are going to have to learn to say what you want and what you need and stand by those boundaries. Okay. Right? But y'all can't do that by yourself. You've proven that for over a decade. Yeah. And by the way,

I'm Dr. Deloney, my wife is Dr. Deloney. We're pretty smart. We're not very smart. She's smart. I went to a bunch of classes. I went to a bunch of school. We have sat at the feet of great therapists over the course of our 21 years because I've almost blown it up a few times. Okay? Doesn't mean you're broken or wrong, but y'all have reached a point where you need to get a professional. Or think of it this way. Your husband has been plunging and plunging and plunging a toilet and it keeps clogging up. You got to call a plumber. Yeah. Okay? And if he says, I won't do that,

Behavior is a language. He is telling you, I'm not interested in this thing working out. Right, because that's what I kind of feel like it's going to happen. He's not going to be for that. He really won't have a conversation very deep with me. That's right. And listen, nothing changes if nothing changes. That's it. Nothing changes if nothing changes. And if he cracked the door open and said, I want this thing to work. You're my wife. These are our four kids. I want things to be better around here.

That is an invitation, or you could take it as an invitation for you to say, okay, cool. I've made us an appointment with a marriage therapist. I've got somebody who's going to come watch the kids. And we're going to go sort this thing out. And we have to build something completely new. Neither of us have ever been married with four children. That's a new world. That's one player away from a basketball team. We're going to have to learn how to be friends. We're going to have to learn how to date. We're going to have to learn how to run this household. We're going to have to learn how to be lovers. We have to learn how to do all this over again.

Are you all the way in? Because I am. I am. And we're going to go from there. And if he says, screw you, I'm not doing any of that. This is what you always do, yada, yada. Then your next call should probably be to an attorney to find out what the rules are and what the regulations are and what your rights are. I don't know what they are in Arkansas. You and only you can make the decision as to whether this is the life you want for you and your kids forever.

I'm not going to make that call for you, but I will call out. This has been the way it's always been. And you opted into this thing for 12 years. So one of y'all has to make a call. This is going to be different starting now. My hope is y'all are both in to rebuild this thing. It's going to take a ton of work and a lot of practice, but make it happen or go do your best. Give them a shot to join you. Thanks for the call. I'll be right back.

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All right, October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work, we do this in social setting, we do this around our families, we even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst.

If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself, and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life.

Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost.

Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Dallas, Texas, home of the one, barely one in one Cowboys, Kelly. Talk to Matthew. Hey, Matthew, what's up? Hey, how's it going, Dr. John? Doing all right, my brother. How are you, man?

Uh, I've been better. Not good. What happened? What's up? Um, I'll tell you, uh, my world around me is crumbling a brick at a time and it's all self-induced. I've done it to myself and I'm tired of being this person that I have been. And I'm just looking for the right

push over the edge to get me back on track and how to get away from this shameful acts that in disrespectful ways I've been behaving for years if you were here right now I would stop the conversation I'd get up and I'd give you a hug I need it man thank you I'd probably hold it too long to where it was weird hold on I don't want you to jump over this this is what you do

Just sit with it for a second. You can't go into solve mode till you sit in grief mode for a second, okay? It sucks. Okay. It sucks. I know. I know. I don't know that you would want to hug me after this. I'm telling you right now I would. I don't care what you've done. And I also want to change some of the language. Is that cool?

Yes, I have been. I listen to you a lot. I try to use your workings in my practice and I just want to be accountable and for my actions and going forward, not be such a shameful person. So I don't even know. I don't even know what you've done.

that you want to beat yourself up. And I'm going to trust you, it's probably stupid. We'll get to it in a second. But if the world, men and women, approach to the things they've done to hurt others in the way you're doing it, the world will be a different place, be a much better place. So I just honor your step, but I want you to hear me very closely, okay? My dad used to be a SWAT hostage negotiator for Houston Police Department, okay? And when somebody was going to jump off a building, they'd call my dad, okay?

and i remember being very young and he told me he would walk out of an elevator at the whatever hundredth floor of some big fancy hotel and he said i could usually tell in the first couple of minutes whether somebody wanted to jump which they most often didn't his biggest concern was they were going to fall and so we're not i'm not going to be a part of pushing you over a ledge i'm not going to be part of you sitting on a ledge

You and I are turning around. We're walking right back into the middle of your life because that's where the healing is, okay? We're not changing stuff. We're not flipping it up. You're not going to become a new guy. You're going to take ownership, and we're walking right back through it because that's where it's going to be. That's where everything's going to transform. Cool? Yes. All right. So what happened? What did you do?

Well, I lost my job this week. Okay. And I lost a job that I've worked at this company for 25 years, or just over 20 years, 20, 25 years. Made really good money, hundreds of thousands of dollars. Did really, really well. And I lost it over some really foolish behavior. What'd you do?

Well, I shared some company information with another person that I shouldn't have shared it with. And the information in and of itself wasn't overly sensitive. But I shared it with someone that I've been in a romantic relationship with.

A coworker? A coworker secretly at work. No one at work knows about our relationship. We've kept it that way because my former, I am married, I am separated from my wife. She had used to work, she had worked there as well. And just trying to keep the dynamic neutral from all the other coworkers. No one knows about us.

But anyways, it was found out that I shared that information and I was given the opportunity to be fired or quit on my own accord. Were you fired for sleeping with a coworker or were you fired for sharing secrets? It sounds like this is more they use the secrets thing to get rid of somebody that lacked integrity.

No, it was not for sleeping with a coworker. It was not. Okay. What they said I did was factual. It was true. I did not remember doing it, but I did after I kind of went back and went through some old text messages. I did. Okay.

But even more than this, this relationship I have with this person did not start out in a justified way. It started out as an affair a couple years ago. So you've blown up your marriage and you've blown up your career and you're just sitting in the ash right now? Yeah.

Yes, I'm below the ash. Yeah. No, you're in it. I'm with you. I'm sitting right here with you. And here's what's wild, man. You know, when my wife moved out, you know, we had bought this home several years ago because we were trying to reset. We had kind of separated then. We were resetting and getting this home. Beautiful home.

And everything is still in both of our names, even though she is somewhere else. It hasn't been, the divorce is not finalized, we're not refinanced and all that financial stuff. But when I called her last night to tell her about it, do you know what her response was? How can I help? She is most incredibly upstanding person ever.

that I've blown it up with. And she says, how can I help? What was your response to that? I told her I don't want her help. Matthew, that's stupid, and that's freaking Texas male ego. Get that crap out of your life. No, well, you know... No, listen to me. Stop. Okay. Stop.

You've told me in this phone call about how much money you make, about how beautiful this home is. I don't care about any of that stuff. Your adult life has been about look out there at the projection, at the bat signal I'm sending out there. Look over there. I don't know what you're running from or what you're hiding from or who you're trying to prove what to, but stop. Okay? Okay. Because you're going to blow up the next thing.

And I don't want to. Okay. I want to. The first thing is I need help. And you called me. I'm a stranger. I'm a safe stranger to call. I am. You and I have never met. And you know I'm going to be honest with you. And you know I'm going to love you. It's hard to accept help from somebody that you set on fire and burned her life to the ground. Now, if she's crazy, if she's going to lie and manipulate you, then you're right. Okay.

She's not. But if she's the last person who still remembers how much that deep down inside you're an all right guy, let her help. Even if it's just going to get coffee so you can speak out loud about what you did and what's happening now. Yeah, thank you. Okay? It's foolish. That's just ego, man. Don't do that. You don't have room in your life for ego right now. I don't. I don't. I'm spending every waking minute looking for jobs. Okay.

I mean, I've only been fired for two days. I know, but here's what you're trying to do. You're trying to solve the problem. Are you broke? Not yet, no. I've got a little bit of money. How leveraged are you? Are you a $30,000 Dallas millionaire? I don't know what that means. That means guys who have BMWs and big boats and big, huge houses, and they're leveraged up to their eyeballs?

I wasn't before the job, before I lost it. So, you know, when I woke up Sunday morning, a little bit leveraged because of the financial split with my wife and I, but my debt consisted of, I had a mortgage, a HELOC, and a pool loan. All of it, you know, associated with the home, you know, with things that we had done, my

My car is paid off. I don't have any credit card debt. I don't have any student loans. Sell the car. Sell the house. Put the house up. You can't afford that house. You don't have a job. Yeah. You can't afford that house. You can't afford the HELOC. You can't afford the pool that you put in.

And most importantly, my brother, you can't afford the huge medallion-sized brick this house is on your esteem, on your soul, because you think this house is a report card for how you've done in the world, and it's not. I think more than that. When we moved here, our daughter had a really difficult time with the move, one child. And I promised her she never had to move again. I know.

You're going to have to look at your daughter and say, Daddy was wrong. Yeah, I'm trying to not do that. There's no possible way through it. Matt, this is how guys go stone broke. Or they end up doing something stupid. They borrow a lot of money. They cut corners somewhere. Some guy over here has got a deal, and he knows a buddy who's got another friend who's got a development project out in Louisville, and you're going to lose it all. Yeah, I was...

Working on the break-even point today, at what point I would need to sell the home. The home is not cheap. And I think given current interest rates, it would sit on the market for maybe three months, four months, I don't know. Did they drop the interest rates today? Yeah. Yeah. Put it on the market. I think. It's time. And you're going to have to have a hard conversation with your daughter. And you're going to have to have a hard conversation with your wife. Yeah.

Okay. What a lot of dudes try to do, and I'm speaking specifically to men, and I'm over-gendering this, and I'm just over-generalizing this. I'm just applying this to everybody with a big broad brush, and I know it doesn't apply to everybody. But you're trying to fix this so that by next Monday, the money's about the same, the life is about the same, and the home is about the same. And my job for a lot of years is to walk into a home and put my hands on either side of somebody's shoulders or somebody's face and say,

Your life as you know it is over. Exhale. I'll be with you when we start to build something new. Okay. And if you don't metabolize that, dude, you're going to get something else. And what it's going to do for your psyche, your psychology, your emotional IQ is it's going to give you yet another notch in your belt that the rules don't apply to you. You can always figure out a way. It's cool, man. And the next fall will be even bigger.

Yeah, I don't want that. I want to get out of this cycle of poor behavior. Your path is humility. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And how old's your daughter? She's 10. She's 10. Yeah, it'll probably break her heart. It will. And what she wants more than anything is her dad. Yeah. So I'm going to drive you to school, and I'm going to pick you up from school, and we're going to go out to dinner twice a week. I don't have anything else to do. I'm going to get this thing right side up.

I drove her to school this week and it was really cool. Of course it is, yeah. But you knew you were sitting on a grenade that she didn't know about, right? She knows about this. Okay. What'd she say? She said, I'm sorry. And she started to cry. Yeah. And she said, you know, I know how hard you work and how much you love your job. And she yelled me. Did you cry in front of her? Absolutely. Good for you. Yeah.

Now your big challenge is to not let her carry the emotional burden of this. Yeah, I've tried to reinforce to her that it's not her problem, it's my problem, and daddy will take care of it. That's right. Did you tell her daddy messed up? I don't know how. Did you tell her daddy messed up big time? I did. Good. I did. I told her I made a mistake at work. Yeah. Can I tell you something? You're planting seeds that are going to grow 30 years from now. Good on you.

Even though my behavior has been shameful for the last few years, I really do listen to you and listen to the Ramsey Show and try to implement those principles. And I got away from it a little bit when the house was first purchased. But there was a plan to pay it off in three years, all the other debt other than the mortgage. And now that's gone sideways with...

This job loss and my wife, you know, she had a really good income as well. And it all went sideways. And then I've got this person that I've been involved with and I can't seem to let go of her. I think it's my way of trying to, to,

you know, feel wanted or needed or feel like, you know, you're trying, you're trying to make right. You're trying to, you're trying to paint over a car wreck, right? Cause you never going to be a guy who cheated on his wife for you. God, no. Okay. No. And it's a common thing when somebody cheats, then I have to make this work to validate the pain and destruction I've left in my wake.

Because if I can't make this work, then I blew up my home for nothing. I've used some of that language with her. You're exactly right. So stop. Matthew, stop. It's ego again. It's scrambling. I think there's some ego. And I think also part of me wants to pull back and leave that relationship as well because at the same time,

She knew I was married, and she was involved. Matthew, don't cast any of this crap on her. Own it. Own it. No, I don't think I'm trying to cast it on her. I think I'm trying to determine, hey, is this someone that I want to be with, and I want my daughter around? You know the answer to that question. It's no. You know that. Here's what you can do from this point forward. Okay. And I say it all the show kind of flippantly, and it really applies to you right now.

What's the next right thing? Here's what I mean by that. Here's how I want that to literally infect your life like a virus. What's the next right thing? Delete all social media. What's the next right, except maybe LinkedIn because you got to get a job. Yeah. What's the next right thing? I'm blocking this woman and saying, I'm out. I wish you the absolute best. Okay. What's the next right thing? I'm going to go exercise. I'm going to eat right. Okay.

I refuse to have a sip of alcohol during this time. The next right thing, I will not borrow a penny, which means I may have to sleep on a buddy's couch. I may have to go stay with my ex. So I don't know whatever you got to do, but I'm going to do the next right thing because here's who you're working for now. You're working for your daughter one year from today.

You're working for Matthew one year from today. And the decisions you make today will impact who you are one year from now. And when you hurt so bad and you just want to call that mistress, do the next right thing and don't. When your ex-wife, when she reveals her character as lovely and amazing and hospitable,

and it just heaps burning coals on your head, do the next right thing and say, well, you meet me for coffee. I need somebody to talk to. I need some help. It doesn't mean you're romantically interested. It means you have a friend that you created a life with. You blew that life up, but you created a life together, and she's still got a vested interest in the father of her kids being healthy and well. Yeah, I made a really bad choice when I blew it up. You did. And the only choice you can affect, brother, is the next one.

So I want you to make a list this evening by yourself alone. What are the next right moves for me? And if you've been in an industry for 20 plus years, you got people to call. You got friends to call. I think you're going to end up selling this house anyway. It sounds like one of those massive DFW houses. Your wife's moved out. You're over dual income. You're going to try to duct tape this thing together. Give yourself some margin and some breathing room so your body can sleep. And that means you can have a hard conversation with a 10 year old. We have those all the time. We have those all the time.

And I wouldn't want to have that conversation with my 10-year-old. No way, no how. Or my daughter's eight, but I wouldn't want to have that. No way, no how. And also, can I tell you something else? I know you're a good dad. And you know how I know that? Because of how your daughter responded. That means she's been raised with empathy and she's been raised with kindness and she's been raised to see things. I think you're a good man that did something really stupid. I think you're a good man that did something dumb over and over and over and the world called you on it.

And now I want you to be a good man that does the next right freaking thing. Cause you're worth it, dude. She's worth it. Your ex is worth it. Everybody's worth the woman. You're dragging through this right now at work. She's worth it. All of it. It's the next right move. Here's the last thing I want you to do, brother. I want you to call a couple of men in Dallas that are your friends. And if you don't have them call the closest thing you have to friends and y'all go out tonight for dinner and you tell them everything, put it on the table.

and say, I'm going to ask you guys to not walk away from me, but put it all on the table because I'm going to need somebody to walk with me through this. And tomorrow morning, we're going to exercise. We're going to try to go to sleep tonight. We're going to go have coffee with our ex-wife and we're going to be honest there. And then we're going to get on the phone and start looking for jobs. And we're going to call a real estate agent to get that house put on the market. We're going to do the next right thing. But don't race to wallpaper over all this. Everything's blown up. Set some boundaries for yourself tonight. That's your responsibility. Set some boundaries tonight.

And Matt, call me anytime. Call me anytime. I'll walk with you through this whole mess. I'm proud of you for taking accountability. I'm not proud of you for blowing up your life, but I'm proud of you for taking accountability and doing the next right thing. That's bravery, my friend. It's been an honor to talk to you. Call me anytime. We'll be right back.

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Hey, Dr. Deloney. Thank you so much for taking my call. Yeah, for sure, brother. What's up? All right. So I have a question for you. I was wondering if you had any advice. I'm looking for an answer to my question of how do I live my life when I work a very physically demanding blue-collar job, manual labor, 12 to 14 hours a day? That's kind of a short form of the question. I can dig deeper if you want me to or if you had a question. I don't know. Well, it sounds like you're living your life.

What do you mean? Add more to it. Put some color in there. It sounds like you're working your butt off and you're making your way through the world, man. Well, I just feel like I don't have time to do things that I want to do. Like there's like, I would love to get in shape. Um, it just, I feel like I never had the time to, uh, to, uh, to actually put into getting into shape and stuff like that. And, um, I'd love to like learn guitar and pick up some other hobbies and things like that. Um, and I think just working like 14 hours a day, every single day,

day. I mean, like when you, when you work 14 hours a day and then if you want to get eight hours of sleep every night, that's already 22 hours out of your day. And then if you have like a half an hour ride to work and back, you got one hour left in your day. And then that might be enough to take a shower or like decompress after work. But after that, like, I mean, that's not even including like going, going grocery shopping, cooking,

cleaning, walking the dog, I mean, you name it. And so now, granted, in my current situation, I'm extremely fortunate and very blessed. I'm actually engaged. I'm going to be getting married in January. Tyler, Tyler, Tyler, take a deep breath, bro. Take a breath. You sound like you're a meth out of your mind, dude. It's cool. I know you're not, but... Oh, I got ADHD, so... Hey, I did too, man. I did too. Welcome to the party. It's good. All right, so you are engaged. Congratulations. What's this...

What's this blue collar job you have? I'm a truck driver, but I'm like a delivery for a bakery supply company. So I hand unload like 50 pound bags of bakery supplies all day long. Okay. You know why I go to a gym every day and lift? Because I don't throw 50 pound bags 12 to 14 hours a day.

Yeah, but I mean, I'm still really out of shape. And like, I mean, I'm only 5'10", but I weigh like 250. Okay. And so we've got some nutrition stuff to work on. Can I ask you a deeper question? Or let me just tell you this. Tyler? Yes. I'm freeing you from your delivery job. You can quit. You got to find another job. You're getting married. You got to find a new job, but you don't have to do this for the rest of your life.

Well, I mean, truck driving is pretty much all I really know. Hold on, hold on, hold on. You also know that this life is killing you and you only get one shot at this thing. You get one pass. And if this isn't the life you want to create, then you're going to have to do the scariest thing of your life, which is to imagine and dig in and learn something new and go try something new. And I've taken a pay cut at almost every job transition I've ever made.

And it's always worked out to my benefit on the back end when I leave that job.

Yeah, and I have tried. I'm also working on paying off debt, going through the Ramsey plan as well. I'm getting closer and closer. And actually, I'm on track to, before the wedding in January, the wedding, actually, the venue, catering, all the big stuff can be paid off actually by next month. And then I'll be back on track to be knocking out some of the smaller debts. I'll be almost debt-free by the wedding, so that'll be really nice. When are you getting married? January. Okay.

But anyway, I have quit driving jobs and gotten other jobs. But see, one of the bigger problems, at least in trucking, is that it's very similar to military recruiters. They'll promise you up and down the, oh yeah, you're only working for 50 hours a week. Tyler, Tyler, Tyler, Tyler, Tyler. Here's one problem here. You don't like the life you've created for yourself. Period. That's it. You hear how calm my voice is? This is me choosing reality.

They promise you things. We're going to do this. We're going to do this. The trucking industry is a zoo right now. It's a mess, isn't it? Yeah. Yes. And the delivery world is a zoo and it's a mess. And there's not just a bajillion jobs in Springfield, Missouri, where you can go make that kind of money. I know that. I know that. And maybe nobody in your family ever went to college. I know that. But I also know that I talked to a lot of people who are 45 and 50 years old, dude, and they hate the lives they've created for themselves.

And so as a young guy starting his life out, I want to applaud you. You are working your freaking butt off. Good for you. And you're getting married and you're starting a family and you're starting a new life. That's amazing. Do you want to teach your kids that you're going to bring into this amazing, amazing world that the key to life is working your whole life away in a job that you hate? Well, I mean, I really do love truck driving. It just, I just, I would rather work less hours. Okay. Then you've, you've put it out into the universe.

You know what I loved? I love, love, loved. I love coaching. High school basketball. It's one of my favorite jobs I've ever had. I loved it. I love teaching. I love hanging out with students. I loved it. I loved being a college professor. And when it came down to the life I wanted for me and my family, I had to leave those jobs and go do something else. That's the other part of adulthood. Because here's what you... I feel like what you're trying to ask me to do is like, what do I do? I love this job, but it requires X amount

I'm missing on my one precious wild crazy life. Like Mary Oliver says that. You're missing out on this thing. But I can't leave my job. But if I stay on my job, I miss this. But if I miss this and I can't, nothing changes if nothing changes. So let me ask you, I'm going to put the ball back in your court. What are you going to do next? I think really I have to tough it out until at least to get out of debt. And then I'm in a better position to handle. That's not tough enough. That's like three months from now or four months from now. That's easy. You can do that.

Right. We can do anything. But I want you to think past three months. I want you to think three years from now. You've been married for three years. How do you want your home to feel when you walk in every day from whatever job you've just done? I want my future family to think that I have enough time to spend with them. There you go. You got to start planning for that right now.

And if you're not good in school, you happen to be going back to school at a time where they've got these amazing AI tools that can walk alongside you as a personal tutor. You can learn anything, anything. And if somebody's telling you, you can't make that kind of money or the retirement program, you can, I promise you, you can. I feel like I believe in you more than you do, Tyler. Yeah, I've been told that by other people. Okay. Here's the sucky thing about confidence, about belief in oneself. You can't imagine it.

You got to go do something different and slowly earn it. What did your old man do? My dad actually started out as a diesel mechanic, got into truck driving. And then for, I don't know, the last 20 or 30 some years, he's been like a shop supervisor and shop manager and stuff like that. Okay. Do you work in his same world?

Kind of. I mean, I'm on the trucking end. He's more in like the office setting now, like that he's supervising managing offices and stuff like that, but still kind of in the trucking world, I guess you could say. Okay. If you could snap your fingers, what job would you be doing tomorrow? You could just go into it. Honestly, I really do love driving. Okay. Is that going to work out for you? In the short term, for the foreseeable future, no. Okay. What is long term? When does it shift?

Is this something you have to just pay your dues for two or three years and work like a maniac to get X, Y, and Z? Because when I was dean of students and a doctoral student and a young dad, I didn't sleep. It was just miserable nights for several years so that now I have a life that me and my family love.

Mm-hmm. Well, I mean, there is always a possibility with some companies. And I mean, I plan on having to talk with my bosses in the future as well. I mean, it also depends on where my future wife and I plan on living permanently. But

I could always try to have a talk with them and see if I couldn't get put on a route that had less hours or something like that. And if I slowly gain up more in seniority, I could potentially have more persuasion power in that. I know, but you know how the seniority game goes as well as I do. Those dudes come bump you off the board and they stay five extra. I mean, you know how that goes. Mm-hmm.

That's putting your autonomy, that's putting your future in the hands of a lot of people that don't give four boxes of farts about you and your life. What is something you can take control of today? That's a good question. How much money do you make a year? What's your annual salary? Probably around 90 to 100. Okay. That's a tough salary to reproduce in Springfield, Missouri with no college degree, isn't it? Yep. Okay. So let's get on the board and see if we can figure that path out. Have you sat down with your fiance? What'd she say?

My fiance is actually very, very supportive. She definitely would like to see me find a job. I mean, she doesn't necessarily want me to leave the trucking world. She knows that I love trucking. But she definitely would like to see me find a job that I was working less hours in the future to have more time with a future family that we want to build together. Can you go get your diesel mechanic certification?

And have her work for two years while you go get that done? That could be possible. And you're going to take a big income hit. You're going to have worked your butt off to pay off all your debts. Y'all aren't going to owe anybody anything. Y'all are going to live beans and rice for the next two years while you get certified so that you can then go get a 7 a.m. to 6 p.m. job turning wrenches. One of the most secure jobs in America. Could be possible. One of the...

When people talk about mindset, it can get kind of gobbledygook. But one of the things that has been roundly repeated over and over is this notion that a poverty mindset is, and I'm not talking about true poverty, like I don't have enough to eat, but a poverty mindset, a way of seeing the world is, I don't have the luxury of waiting to think about tomorrow. I need to get right now. I think hour by hour, day by day.

And those who end up building a lot of wealth long-term think about themselves in 50 years and say, what must be true right now so that I get there then? And I want you, how old are you, brother? 27. That's a lot of money. You make 100 grand. That's a lot of money for a 27-year-old who didn't go to college, isn't it?

Right. Yeah. So you're working hard and you're earning good money. That's awesome. I'm proud of you. You've been doing this for a long time. But I want you to do an exercise with your fiance. I want you to take her out to as nice a restaurant as you can there in Springfield. And I want y'all to go out and I want y'all to have a dreaming session about what you want your house to look like when you are 30 years old. What time are you coming home? What does it feel like when you come home? What time is she getting home? Do you have one or two little knuckleheads running around or crawling around or whatever?

Where are you? I want you all to dream and I want you to reverse engineer that to tomorrow. I want you to be that specific. And that might mean you get on the phone and you call somebody. That might mean you go have a cup of coffee with a local diesel mechanic in your area and just say, tell me about your life. Tell me about the training. And he may go, dude, I've got a spot for you right this second. I'll pay you 55 grand, which would be a half, 50% cut to go and I'll pay for your training. But we're desperate for people who can turn wrenches.

for certified mechanics. We're desperate, desperate, desperate. Come on. You might find that out over a cup of coffee or a cheeseburger. I want you to get on... I've never said this sentence before. I want you to get on Instagram and I want you to follow my friend Jordan Syatt, S-Y-A-T-T, and my friend Dr. Lane Norton, N-O-R-T-O-N. Both of them have great nutrition advice. They've got...

Easy to do physical advice and follow my buddies at mindpump.com. Get on there and find it. And I want you to be intentional. Okay. You have enough physical labor every day. That means you are not taking care of the nutrition side of the equation. That's the most important one. I want you to get some actual good, not gobbledygook that's out there on the internet. But from those three camps, I want you to listen and learn.

Um, you can learn from my buddy, Max Lugavere. I, there's so much good information out there, but you're going to have to do the next hard thing, which is change how you eat, change all these other, like, go get it, man, go get it. And every time you feel like there's an excuse, I want you to stop and say, no, no, I made a promise to my wife. I'm going to walk in at 195 pounds in three years. So I start today.

I told my wife I was going to be home for dinner at six o'clock in three years. So what must be true starting right now? I don't even know what that means. Okay, I'm gonna go have coffee with that guy down the street. I'm gonna go figure that thing out. I believe in you more than you believe in yourself. And you said that people have said that about you before. Okay, the path towards believing yourself is action. Do the next thing.

Go make it happen. I'm watching a guy who crushes it, who can kind of do anything he wants because he's that kind of hard worker. And you got a mind like mine that spends a million miles an hour. Just point it in the right direction where you want to go, man. I'm really grateful for the call and I'm proud of it. Go make it happen. Starting now. We'll be right back.

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I'm so glad that you stayed with us. This is the biggest announcement I've ever made ever ever All right, y'all know questions for humans I've been talking about those for a couple years and it kind of turned into this cool juggernaut product one deck of cards People have asked before and asked before and asked before and I've avoided it and avoided it and avoided it and here we are Bend you have some cool like like

Jamrock, like dude smoking Marlboros up against a Camaro. Oh, yeah, 100%. We'll edit and post. Okay, sweet. Let it rip. Okay, so I talk to couples every day who love each other, want to stay married, want to rebuild their marriage, how to reignite connection with each other. They want to talk about sex. They want to talk about intimacy. They want to ask each other these questions, and they don't even know what questions to ask, and they're like, I don't...

And let's be honest, as a society, as a culture, we've made it so weird to talk about the deepest and most intimate parts of our lives with the people that we spend the most deepest and intimate parts of our worlds with. How often do I talk to couples who have made humans together, yet they can't talk about sex? They can't talk about intimacy. They can't talk about

Hey, what are you kind of into? What are you not into anymore? What did you used to be into? You don't like anymore. What's, what's the scariest thing that ever happened to you romantically? What's something that we can't even have those conversations. We've lost the art of deep, meaningful, intimate conversations, especially with our, with our marriage partners. I hear this all over the country. We're living parallel lives. We are roommates and we are great co-managers.

That's why I'm super jazzed to announce Questions for Humans Intimacy Edition. Do you have like some Barry White music in there you can play? 100%. Oh, yeah. All right, listen. We're going to talk through the Questions for Humans Intimacy Deck. You're going to talk about how to build a stronger, more intimate marriage, feel connected, and have a good time together. By the way, there's a lot of fun.

Like hilarious. Like really? Seriously? No way. It's going to be amazing. You're going to learn about each other. And by the way, you can do these. You can go through this deck over and over. You're going to learn more about each other because we're all learning and we're all changing all the time. And all the time.

Also, we've got third editions of the most popular questions for humans, couples, friends, and parents and kids. So if you've enjoyed the questions for humans decks one and two of the couples or the friends of the parents of kids, we've got three deck three version with all new questions. I'm super jazzed. Go to Ramsey solutions.com slash store, or you can click the link in the description. If you're listening on the YouTubes or on podcast questions for humans deck

Intimacy deck. Oh, yeah. I'm telling you, it's going to change everything in your home. Go pick it up. RamseySolutions.com slash store. Be kind to each other. Go get these Questions for Humans decks. They're amazing. Peace out.