My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
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Yo, yo, yo, Cyber Monday deals are here and fan favorite questions for humans. Conversation cards are on sale for just 12 bucks. Go to ramseysolutions.com slash store and grab yours right now. I am needing and wanting to be truthful and honest with my husband about some credit cards that he doesn't know about, as well as how much money we actually have in our bank account versus what I have told him that we've had in our bank account. How bad is it?

What up? What's going on, everybody? This is John with the Dr. John Maloney Show. So grateful that you've joined us. We're talking about your mental health, your emotional health, your relationships, your marriages, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. The show is real people going through real hard stuff.

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All right, let's roll out to Little Rock, Arkansas and talk to Carrie. What's up, Carrie? Hey, how are you, Dr. John? I'm doing great. How about you?

I am doing good. I'd like to be doing better. Uh-oh. What's going on? So I am needing and wanting to be truthful and honest with my husband about some credit cards that he doesn't know about, as well as how much money we actually have in our bank account versus what I have told him that we've had in our bank account. Okay.

How bad is it? It's not that bad, but I've been reading your book, I Want to Live a Non-Anxious Life, and I just don't

don't want to keep this secret anymore. And my original plan was to like get on top of things and then everything would be fine. But now I just, I want to be, I want to be a good wife. I want to be open and honest and that I just, I need his help with the finances and I, we've got to start from ground zero, I think. So we'll get to the honesty and integrity part. I appreciate you, you bringing this up. And by the way,

I don't want to let you off the hook, right? You can't lie about this stuff and it's big and it causes a lot of drama. I actually call it financial infidelity because it is a form of cheating, right? But there are millions and millions and millions of people across this country in the exact same boat as you. So I appreciate you having the courage to call it because I think you're going to free a whole bunch of people from this burden of the secret, right? Because you're laying in bed next to this guy that you love and he doesn't know.

Right? He just doesn't know. But I want to start with a different question first. Okay. Why in the world has he either allowed it or intentionally dumped the entire house's finances on you? Why are you doing this alone?

I guess I would say I'm a stay-at-home mom. And so I kind of take care of all of the household duties and taking care of our kids and kind of everything that I can so that he can just work. I mean, of course, he helps with the kids and he helps with the household too. But in...

I think he wants to be helpful with that too. And we've talked about it over the years, but it just like, we talk about it and then like nothing ever happens. And so I'm just kind of like left holding the bag. How much of it is him and how much of it is you are desperately trying to prove your worth inside your own home?

Oh, it could be both. Because I'm beginning to hear more and more and more. And it's not something I expected, but more and more. Right. So we all know the data that says men don't help out around the house near as much as women do. Right. We all know that. But I'm also hearing the other side of the ledger, which is an increasing number of moms choosing to stay home, but then having incredible amounts of guilt about it.

And so about this idea, like they don't have any worth financially. They're not contributing financially to the house and in like a tangible dollar amount. And I feel like women have bought this lie.

that has never existed before in human history, which is not your worth is found in love and connection. By the way, men have bought this lie too, but it's get your finances right, get your career right. And then after those things are done, then you can deal with this. Are we going to have, am I going to find a mate or a partner? Am I going to have kids and do family stuff? And so when somebody comes home, their orientation is still career first, finances first. And so

I'm seeing more and more women try to grab everything. Like, I'm going to be the CEO of this house is the language I hear. And because I've got to prove that I'm worth staying home even though I don't have income. Is that you? I'd say sort of me because he is so gung-ho about me being home and raising our kids. But I think that there's still a part of me that just wants to –

prove that like, I can do this. I can handle this and be like, be the CEO of my home and show them that I can do this. I guess. Carrie, you're going to drown in your own house. Yeah. I think I'm drowning now. I know you are, but if you're not honest. Yeah. That's the big part. Um, what, what was your career before you decided to stay at home?

I had just worked administrative in some doctor's offices. Yeah. So that makes it even worse, right? Because you've been doing billing and collections and all that for your whole career, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Um, I remember the first time I had a spreadsheet up of, I used to have multiple budgets that I was running at various universities and there was multiple, multiple tens of millions of dollars across all these accounts and, um, income and receivables and outflows. And, and I remember leaving up the spreadsheets once and my wife was like, how is this possible? You can't balance a checkbook in our house. And yet you're, you know what I mean? So I get it. I've been there. Um,

Let me ask a hard question. Okay. Your husband really wants you to stay at home. Yes. And you want to be – I heard you say this. You want to be a quote-unquote good wife. Yes. Do you want to stay at home? Yes. Or have you tried this experiment and you don't like it? No, I love it. I feel more fulfilled than I ever have in my entire life. Okay. So walk me through the slow steps towards success.

not telling the truth, putting something on a credit card, I'll pay for it next month. And suddenly, Oh no, I'm way over my head. So it started last year. Um, last year is around the summer is when I was, when we decided for me that it's possible for me to be a stay at home mom. I had my first child, um, uh, earlier in the year, last year. Um,

And so I didn't really realize or know how to manage our money at that point. As we went through the rest of 2023 and we had gotten to a point where we were down to zero. Zero, like you didn't owe anybody any money? Say it again? Zero what? Like our bank account was zero. Oh, okay. So you had no money left in your account. He didn't know that?

Yeah, and it kind of blew up, and I was like, okay, well, I can fix this. I can get on top of it. And I have a hard time, on a side note, I have a hard time saying no to him because he doesn't know what we don't have, and he wants to get this or do this, and so I don't want to be the officer of being like, no, we can't do that. No, but you want to be the CEO. That's the CEO's job.

I guess I can't balance that well. Right. Well, and I just want to push back on this need to have a quote unquote CEO.

There is somebody that needs to like, um, like my wife actually hits send on the bills. Right. And if I get a bill from the, I don't know, the, somebody came and fixed our, our sprinkler the other day and I just forwarded the bill to her. She, she actually goes in and pays it. Right. So I get that sort of CEO-ness or, Hey, we got to get somebody to fix the ceiling fan or something. Then she'll, she'll actually reach out and call and do all that kind of stuff. So I get that kind of, um, stuff every day.

It is too, money is too intimate. It's like saying, hey, you just deal with all the sex in our marriage. Like you tell us what kind we're going to have, when we're going to have it and what I need to be wearing, right? And that would be so lonely and isolating. Money is that intimate.

Because it dictates reality. It dictates where y'all are headed as a couple, what y'all are building together. It dictates safety and security. It dictates pleasure and joy. It's so important that we sit down once a week and say, where are we? That way your husband, because it puts you in the role as a mom, right? If he has to ask you for something. Yeah. And you want to be his lover and his best friend, not his mom.

Exactly. Yeah. Okay. So what does it look like to sit down and say, Hey, um, I haven't told you the truth. I've run up a bunch of credit card debt and I've taken out some loans and we don't have near as much money as you think we do. And you and I are recording this call at the V the last day or two of October. So as y'all heading into the holiday season, traveling gift buying, he thinks y'all in a different place. Yeah. Um, I'm just going to go.

I don't fully know. I think ultimately it will work itself out, but I think that he's going to be very surprised and very upset at me and the situation.

Will he be mad at you like a dad or will he feel betrayed that you've been suffering by yourself and he loves you and he wishes he had been able to help with this thing? I feel like there might be a little bit. I think there might be a little bit of both. I think the thing that it's going to be the worst part about it is that I haven't been truthful with him. Okay, fair. And so here's my rule of thumb for these kind of conversations. I want you to...

Go straight towards the scariest part of the conversation first. Okay. And so here's how I would frame it. Honey, after baby goes to bed tonight, you and I need to have a hard conversation. I have not been telling you the truth. There's going to be a pause and I want him to feel it on you. And then I want you to say, I haven't slept with anybody, nothing like that. But I'm scared to death to have this conversation with you. And I'm nervous and I need you to be with me because I have to tell you the truth. Let's do it right now. I can't not right this second.

And I want you to set it up in that way. Because there's going to be a surge. There's going to be a suddenly fight or flight. And I want to give there to be 30 minutes. I want there to be an hour. I want there to be 45 minutes of letting this stuff kind of cycle through. And then we're going to sit down and have this hard conversation. And if I were you, I would write down facts. Okay. Okay? Because he's going to imagine y'all are $100,000 in credit card debt. And y'all have net... Once you actually sit down and say...

I've been drowning for the last year trying to keep up with the money stuff, and we're not in a good position right now. And I haven't told you the truth, and I'm scared. I'm just coming to you and being open. I know you're going to be mad, and you're going to be upset, and you're going to be hurt, but we've got a problem, and I need your help. Okay. That sounds like an amazing approach. Okay. If you just snap and say, hey, we have tons of credit cards, it's just going to be Kohl's. He'll explode. Right. I think most of that explosion will come from fear.

Yeah. But if you sit down and say, Hey, I haven't told you the truth. Our money's not too great. Like how much do we owe? I don't know. He won't hear another word you say until you have a dollar amount. Cause he'll go to, he'll go to a caustic thing. So get exactly, even if you have to pull a credit report and by the way, pull, go ahead and pull your credit reports. They're for free. You can pull all three of them. Um,

Uh, it's Equifax, Experian, and I forgot the other one. Um, but you can pull your credit reports and say, I know you have reason to not trust me right now. So I want you to see here is where it is and you can highlight it. So how bad is it? How much do you owe? Oh,

Well, actually, that part is not the – at least to me, it's not like the worst part because we've listened to the Ramsey show for a long time. But it's under $1,000. Oh, okay. All right. So it's a small amount. What do you think he's going to be upset about? Does he think you'll have an emergency fund of some sort? Yeah. He thinks that we have –

He thinks that we have money in the account and virtually we have none. Okay. Okay. And is it because he spends too much and you spend too much and y'all spend too much? Or is it because he's going to work and you're secretly buying a bunch of stuff on Amazon? Like, why is there no money in the account? We've got medical bills that I have budgeted before or that have worked into a budget that have just worked up. But it's just not living...

Within our means. Okay. So I think this is a, like, I thought the situation when you, when you called was way worse. And I think you're, you're such a person of integrity that even the smallest, like, um, unless you're telling him, no, we're fine. We got tons of money. And you're like, Oh God, we don't have any, unless you're doing that. Um, it sounds like you're staring over a precipice and you see all about to fall off a cliff and you want to stop this thing before it gets going. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Can I tell you sooner rather than later, okay? Yes. And here's the last thing I'll tell you. You know this, and I'm glad you've been reading Building a Non-Anxious Life. He's felt the tension in your home for a while now. He definitely has. He probably thinks it's something he's doing and he's trying to solve it by working more or working harder or trying to wash the baby bottles in the right way, like whatever. And I think that's where your apology starts. Okay. Is that fair? Yeah, that's totally fair. Okay.

I'm going to send you the EveryDollar Premium app. It's the app me and my wife use for budgeting. Okay. And here's what it does. Whenever I buy something, it pops up on both of our phones. Okay. And it allows us to stay connected. I'm going to give you the premium version. It connects to your bank, and you can both see where you are in real time always.

Oh my gosh, that sounds awesome. And it's for a year, okay? Okay. And I'll hook you up. I'll pay for it. You hang on the line and I'll get you connected. But I want you to say, I've got a tool for us. Okay. I need you plugged in. I can't carry this by myself and I wanted so badly to because I know how hard you work for our family. And I've kept secrets from you and I'm sorry. It will never happen again. Is that cool? Yeah, so cool. Thank you. You got it. Go straight to...

Straight towards the discomfort. And for everybody out there who's got secrets heading into the holiday season, if you're safe, meaning your partner is not going to punch a hole through the wall or hit you or be emotionally abusive, if you're safe, let this be the season. Let this be the season that you stop carrying these secrets everywhere because your household can feel them. Your household can feel the tension.

and we try to scroll it away or numb it away or click on Amazon away or buy something or pornography it away. We try to drink it away. We're trying to get rid of this tension. I'm telling you, a secret free house is peaceful. Thanks for the call, Kerry. I'm grateful for you. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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Alright, we are back and we've got a husband and wife both calling in here together. Let's see if we can get this squared up. Alright, I'm going to pick up the phone. This is Henry. What's up, Henry? Hey, how's it going? Good, man. Alright, hang on for a second. I'm going to bring on Anna. Anna, are you there? Yes, I am. What's up, Lady Bird? Alright, we've got Henry and Anna from Indianapolis. How are you guys? Good, how are you? We're just figuring it out, man. Alright, so what's going on? Whoever wants to go first, go first.

Okay, I guess I'll start. So our overall question is just kind of like needing advice on how do we figure out when to have kids or if we should wait given our medical school and residency timeline. Tell me about that. I guess for background, I'm a second year medical student and he is applying to medical school right now.

Um, and so it just, it's kind of complicated. Yeah. Um, yeah. Cause I'm thinking of you're, you're applying now, Henry, have you already taken the MCAT and everything? Yeah, that's correct. I already have interviews and everything like that. So what's the chance y'all don't get matched together?

That really depends. She's ahead in school, so it would be likely that she would be doing rotations farther away, and there would be the likelihood that she could have residency out of state as well while I'm still in school or whatever state. So there is potential for it to be long distance at some point. Okay. And that would mean two, three, four years, depending on each one of your specialties, right? Yeah, correct. Okay. I would...

tried everything I could to not be matched out of state and then he's behind. Um, but yeah, it's complicated. Yeah, I know. I get that. That's a, that's a messy, messy process, especially these days. Cause it's kind of all over the place right now. Um, can I ask a hard question of you, Anna? Yeah. And then I'll ask it of you, Henry. It's a very common, um, it's a conversation I used to have with a lot of my end of one L, um, law students. And then I've had with countless end of first year med students.

Do you want to be a doctor? Do you want to do this? Sort of. Tell me more about that. Um, so a big part of like the whole question is just, um, we're Christian and we're trying to balance our values of, you know, wanting to have a family. And that is to me definitely the most important thing. Um,

in my life other than the Lord. And it just makes it complicated to do both. How are they intertwined? Do you feel like your faith is suggesting that your faith tells you you need to have kids now? Like that your most important role will be a mom, like a family? I don't understand the connection between where you go to church and this call to have kids, but also to be a doctor. I think it's

It's more of like, like our faith is, it just, um, is very important. Not that it's like necessarily the most important. Um, but to me it feels more important than my job. Um, being a mom. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So how are you navigating that, that call if you will, or that feeling? I don't, I don't know. Okay. Um, it makes it hard with school for sure. Um, it's,

I mean, my husband would definitely say that I struggle with like finding ways to like keep going with school because it's just like I'm kind of having a hard time balancing it. Okay. I'm going to say something that's going to get me in trouble on the internets and I don't really mind anymore. Is that okay? Yeah. I want you to put aside any sort of cosmic messaging you think you may be getting or not getting. Okay.

I want you to put on just a few blinders here. Okay? Just you and me and a couple million people listening. That's it. Okay? Okay. Can you drop your shoulders? Because I can feel you getting tense. Drop your shoulders down. What does Anna want to do? I want to have like four to six kids eventually. Okay. And I want to be a good mom and a good wife.

Um, and yeah, I mean, I want a job eventually, but I just, I don't, and like part of me likes the idea of like being able to help people and be, um, have like a, I don't know,

like mentally stimulating job, which not that that is the only one out there. Um, but, um, yeah. Who will be disappointed in you, Anna, if you decided to let your friends and family know that you're suspending med school for one year and potentially indefinitely, who would be disappointed in you? A significant number of people. I disagree with that. Who named them? Um, my family mainly. Mom, dad.

Yeah. Okay. Siblings, maybe. Okay. Do they get a vote? Um, I guess not. How old are you? Um, I'm 24. Okay. How long have you been married to this Henry guy? Four months yesterday. Oh gosh. Y'all are just figuring this thing out. That's awesome. Y'all are just getting going. Okay. Um, Henry, you're hearing all this. What do you think?

Yeah, we've been going back and forth on this. Honestly, you know, since we've gotten married and she's also been kind of

Thinking deeper on, you know, what she wants out of life with med school, even before we actually got married four months ago. So it's been kind of an ongoing thing we're wrestling with. We've been praying a lot, you know, talking to other people a lot. And it just seems like it's kind of no man's land with the situation. And sadly, there's no obvious kind of right or wrong answer, at least to us.

Yeah, I tend to, like, of course, my own theology plays into this, but I tend to think it matters less. I guess I'll say it this way. And for those of you who aren't a part of some Christian subculture, just hang on for a second. But I feel like this idea of call or quote unquote what I'm supposed to do has been billed to this generation of person who's probably 25 to 45 right now.

And it's as though God hit it somewhere. He hit it. And your whole job, it's like a scavenger hunt trying to find out your call. What is it? What is it supposed to be? I've been asking, I've been praying, I've been doing this. I've been getting all the right information. I've been listening to podcasts, reading books. What am I supposed to, what? And I think that what's most important is wherever you go, whatever you do, wherever you end up,

If you are a person of Christian faith, you're a person of any faith. It matters who you are on the way it is to whatever you're going. And if this, the God of the cosmos calls you to a thing, you'll know, you get what I'm saying? And it usually will cost you everything. And so what I'm hearing more and more, and I, and I heard this a lot when I was working at university, but I'm hearing more and more, uh,

People saying things like, well, I just feel called to quit this job. Instead of just having the courage to say, I don't want to work there anymore. Or dude, I spent my whole life. Everyone's been telling me since I was in middle school that I'm so smart and I'm going to be a doctor. I'm going to be the doctor in the family. I'm going to be the doctor. And I did year one and I hate it. This is not for me. And you feel like the weight of your community or your house or your neighborhood or whatever is on your back. And suddenly you start living a life for everybody else.

Surely they gave that to you and they talked to you about that in like welcome week. The number of students who go to either law school or med school because their parents said that's where you're going. And Anna, when I asked you what you wanted to do, you didn't mention anything about med school or medicine or doctors or dedicating the better part of a decade to the study of. You mentioned I want to be a mom of four to six kids. I want to be a great wife. I want to have a stimulating, like I don't want to just like live in a bubble, but

Like that's, that's the first thing that came out. Right. Yeah. And that's what I ask you. Like, what do you want to, what do you want to do? And Henry, I'll tell you this. I'm also going to flip it. I've known a whole host of amazing, brilliant young women who married some guy who was like, no, no, no, no. You're going to go home and you're not going to write kind of took over. And so I want to challenge you that you are walking with your wife. You are not, you haven't become her overlord. Does that make sense?

I would hope she would think that that's not the case. You know, we've been really wrestling with it. I've been encouraging her, you know, that I'm going to be behind her in every decision and really trying to work through it all. That's amazing. So I guess, Anna, what I would tell you is I can't, I would recommend against a couple looking out to the future and saying, hey, we're potentially going to live in different states for four to six years.

I would recommend holding off to having kids. Is it doable? Of course. But you're both of you in residency, both of you like finishing up your exams, your boards, like working 107, like, I don't know what they've, I know they've kind of capped the number of hours you work a week, but residency is chaos, right? The stories are true, right? The stories are true. Um,

even though some of the older old old school doctors think everyone's like oh it's weaklings now but like um because you actually you actually get to sleep every once in a while but but like yeah if you're going to be in different states and y'all are going to be spread out all over the place because really when you start the matching process you submit your life to whatever hospital will take you whatever rotation will take you and whatever specialty will take you um yeah i would say hold off but on the other side of that i want to tell you anna

You only get one shot at life. One. And you said to Henry, I do. You and me, we are ride or die. It's you and me versus the world. And when you did that, your mom and dad don't get a vote anymore. Yeah. And I know that's hard and that's scary. Or your brothers and sisters. If they're going to not be for you, then cool. But I'm going to go do the next right thing for me and my family because what I really want to do is go have a whole bunch of kids.

And by the way, you can have kid number one, Anna, and four months in want to set yourself on fire and be like, I'm wrong. I don't like this. Right? Yeah. You can do that too. And you're brilliant and you're smart and fill in the blank, fill in the blank. You can always loop back to med school and you can always loop back to nurse practitioner school. You can always, always, always.

Yeah, I guess I'm afraid that like eventually I couldn't go back or like I wouldn't because it would be too much money or X, Y, Z. And I would regret it somehow. Maybe. But what if you graduate from med school and you get into practice one and you're working at a managed care hospital and you're down to 12 minutes a patient and you're running through 48 patients a day?

And all you wish and all you dream of is sitting at home and having a mess full of craziness and loudness and screaming and yelling and breastfeeding and not sleeping, but it would feel full, right? Yeah. It would feel full. So I think trying to manage a future regret, that's a fool's errand. Yeah, I like those sometimes. I know, I know. It's a way that you and I could get into it, Anna. Yeah.

It's a control thing, right? Well, not always, but generally, the students I've talked to over the years in your exact spot who feel like if I live the life I feel like I want to live or I am quote-unquote called the whatever word you want to use, that I'm going to disappoint people, usually that's a life that from a very young age, you knew it was very important that you performed well. And if you know that your life is about performing well for others so that they're propped up,

That is a life that from a young age, you begin to manage every variable possible as far into the future as possible. And now you're 24 and you married a guy and you want to go build a life together. And this management of future variable is beginning to get heavier and heavier and heavier. Yeah. And so what I say on the show all the time is just do the next right thing, the next right move. Yeah.

And like, dude, 10 years ago, this job didn't exist. It wasn't a thing. You know what I mean? Like 15 years ago, there was no such thing as YouTube or podcast or whatever. It didn't exist. And that pays all my bills. And so who knows, right? And who knows what AI is going to do to medicine, to the practice of medicine? Who knows? That's fair. So Henry, if she came home tomorrow and said,

I'm going to finish up year two and see if there's an exit ramp towards a nursing certification or if I could take the nurse prac board. I don't know how this works for you guys. I don't know what the off ramps are for medical school, but would you cheer? Would you be heartbroken? What would go through your heart and mind, Henry?

Um, I think it would be a mix. I think, um, on the one hand, I would be really happy that she, um, you know, is choosing what she feels like she should do. And, um, I don't believe that decision is wrong either. You know, I think that either decision will be blessed and it's really up to her to choose kind of, you know, what's going to be the most full and correct decision and go with that. I think God's going to bless it either way.

But I would also be, you know, obviously a little fearful of the future, kind of shaking things up, really shaking up that future timeline that we have been kind of trying to in any way preemptively plan. And there's still, you know, unknowns after that, right? So I would still be very encouraging and I would think that we're going to be okay, but it would certainly shake things up a lot. Yeah.

So if you guys can learn this four months into your marriage, you're going to have an amazing trajectory. And here's what it is. Both things will be true. I asked my wife to come speak with me at an event recently. They asked if she would come join me on stage for a session. And after some things that the way she was treated on the internet, people found her contact information through my show and just destroyed her.

in a caustic way. She said, no, I'm not going on stage with you. And I totally supported her. And I understood. And I was kind of bummed out because I like her. She's my favorite person on the planet. And she brings a lot. And so we had that conversation about, I get to be disappointed and 100% in support of what her decision is. Does that make sense? Yeah. And so Anna, if you can...

And in conversation with your husband, because now y'all are y'all are both right or die, right? Each each decision you make affects the other person. If you can make the best right decision, the next right decision for you, he gets to be upset about upset, disappointed, frustrated, bummed, any words. And it doesn't mean it's the wrong decision.

And he can be like, oh man, this is going to really change everything. And I'm in full support of you. If y'all can hold space for that tension of both and, oh my gosh, you're off to the races. Because when you have kid number three en route to kid number six, your house is going to feel chaotic and bonkers. And it can be exactly what you wanted. And you can be miserable for a season because you're tired too. Both of those can be true, right? Yeah. Right.

And so when your husband gets matched out of state and you're pregnant with baby number four and you're like, oh boy, that can be both exciting and awesome and terrifying all at the same time. All that's going to be true. The question will be, can we, you and can y'all two come back to the table and see each other and say, all right, what's the next right move for us? So Anna, I'm not, Henry, I'm not going to let you off the hook. I'm not going to, I can't tell you what to do.

Right. I can tell you I've met with students who did not want to be lawyers and did not want to be medical practitioners who graduate. And the daunting thought of I'm going to be doing this thing for the next 30 or 40 years of my life, I'm going to still be living my mom and my dad's and my whoever's life 30 years from now, that is a recipe for misery. I've also met a couple of students who bailed and were like, ah, I should have stuck it out.

So I can't give you that. I can't give you the, here's the recipe. I want to give you permission. If you don't want to be in medicine, don't be a medicine. If you are scared of disappointing your family with some decision you make, that's right for you too. That's going to be the rest of your life. You might as well get that out of the way now. And I want to encourage you. If you're people of faith, if you're Christians pray often, pray together, pray regularly, seek wise counsel, pray,

And let that inform who you are going to be wherever it is you go. Don't let that be something that holds you up and paralyzes you because I don't think that's the spirit of the thing. Yeah. Right. Does that sound right? Yeah. Yeah. And Anna, just because it's hard or scary, if you choose to stay, awesome. If you choose to leave, awesome. Just because it's scary or makes you cry or makes you sad doesn't mean it's the wrong decision. That's fair. Okay. Cool. Cool.

Cool. I wouldn't trade places with either of you for any amount of money right now because I know it's scary. And also follow your guts. Will do. Cool. All right. Well, you do me a favor. Write back and let me know what you all decide because now I'm kind of invested in this thing as like living vicariously through you. I'm super invested. So let us know what you decide. And...

Either send us that graduation photo, Anna, or send us the first photo of baby number one en route to baby number six. That's a lot of little Henry and Annas running around. I can't wait. We'll be right back. I'm a founding member of the Get Off the Internet and Go Outside Club. And yet, I, like all of you, find myself at work and in my personal life basically living on the internets these days.

And as a society, we're creating more and more online accounts all of the time. We're signing up for promos, giving away our emails and personal numbers, and buying everything with our phones. I get hundreds of emails to my personal account, my business accounts. Every business wants to survey me and become my friend. And everyone everywhere is trying to sell me all kinds of stuff, and it drives me nuts. And with all of our online activity, do we really know where our data is and who has it?

Chances are high that data broker websites have your info and they're selling it to scammers, spammers, and other shady people. But when you use Delete Me, they find and remove your data from hundreds of sites and they send reports to you throughout the year to show exactly what they removed and from where. And right now, I'm getting way fewer of those spammy text and phone calls, which allows me to, just a little bit, let my guard down and feel peace.

This holiday season, share the peace by giving a Delete Me subscription to someone you love. Individual Delete Me plans start as low as $9 a month. Go to joindeleteme.com slash deloney today for 20% off. That's joindeleteme.com slash deloney. All right, let's go to Greenville, South Carolina and talk to Alex. Hey, Alex, what's up?

Um, my husband, um, and I, uh, I'm in charge of the bills and why, why, why, why you want to know the history? Your bills are something that a couple should tackle together. Right. And, and I'm trying to get him on board to be on a strict budget. Okay. So what, yeah. What's the thing beneath the thing here?

The thing beneath it. Well, we've been married for 13 years. When we first got married, he didn't have any credit rating. And since then, I increased his credit rating to 750 Beacon score. We both have that. And we bought a house and I retired and retired.

We, and he stopped working as much. Why? And we were, well, because he works in construction and the hurricane Helene and rain and this and that. And, um, what does that have to do with anything? Like, well, he can't work when it rains because he's outside building houses. I know, but isn't there just an avalanche of work to be done right now?

Well, he works for a small employer, a local employer who builds houses and he doesn't build that many houses. So not for him.

But you want me to... Yeah, keep going, keep going. So anyhow, we ran up all our credit cards. We have $9,000 in credit cards. We had a leak in the roof. We had to pay $12,000 for a new roof. Our air conditioner died. Sounds like a bad song. It's like a country song, yeah. Yeah. And we had to pay $5,000. We had to...

finance all this. So we have payments. And he doesn't think anything of getting off of work early. And I

I get all stressed out because he's off work early and grabbing a beer and sitting down and I'm saying, hey, there's work to do. You could have been at work until five today. Why are you home at two? So I'm trying to get him on board to realize that, you know, we have bills and

I take all my retirement, but it's not enough. We don't bring enough money in. What do you mean you take all your retirement?

Um, I have, um, a retirement, a very small retirement of $900 a month. And then he, um, brings home about $2,500 a month and our bills, not including groceries are 3,500 to 4,000 a month. So, um,

God, there's so much here. Yes, I know. I don't want to start answering questions you're not asking. How can I help you? This is such a mess. Well, he started working weekends in freelance work, so that's one positive step towards him taking responsibility. Alex, you quit too. You are broke, broke, broke, scary broke. Yes. You have no business being retired right now.

I understand, but I just went through major surgery, so I'm a bit disabled. What does that mean? That means until I get better...

I can do remote work eventually. I've been looking at some companies that I can work remotely in and make a handsome take-home salary. Okay, Alex, I need you to hear me. I get having surgery. I totally get it. I've had multiple surgeries. I get it, get it, get it, get it. I don't think either of you grasp the severity of your situation.

I agree. And so whether it's doing customer service calls, whether it is calling to sign up for the blood bank, the worst call any of us get, and you just get hung up on, hung up on, hung up on, whatever you can do at home, you got to do. And your husband is like, I don't know if he's just taking a cue from you and he's just like, whatever, we all quit.

But I don't care what his builder is doing. Like I'm talking like at 5 a.m. to 8 a.m. He's driving Uber or bringing people breakfast with Instacart. And then he's going from – or Uber Eats. And then he's going from there to a construction site all day. And then he's driving into the night because your family is on a precipice. You're about to fall off and not be able to come back.

Yeah, I'm very scared because our credit cards and all of the years of our marriage have never been maxed out ever. I know, but y'all quit, both of you. And I know you have surgery and I'm not blaming you. I'm just saying here we are. The only thing we can do is the next right thing. And Alex, let me tell you, do you know what my credit score is? What? Zero. My credit score is zero. You know why? Because I don't care.

Because in my house 15 years ago, I found us so underwater, hundreds of thousands of dollars, me and my wife owed, but mostly me because I was an idiot. I just swore I'm never going to borrow money again ever. And so I've taken out a mortgage. That's it. And by the way, you can buy a house with zero credit score. They just do a manual underwriting process. But here's the thing. You and your husband have to decide we're going to live like this.

And it's going to be awful and hard and you can't just plop on the couch and drink beer. And I know you're recovering and I hate it for you. I want more than anything in the world. You to be able to just kick your feet up while you're getting better. I do. And I'm only telling you this because I love you. You just can't. Yeah. I've never been disabled before. I know it's heartbreaking. It's heartbreaking. And most of us have this fantasy in our head that if something were to happen to us,

that our spouse would rise to the occasion and yours has not. I'm sorry.

No, we went, I had savings. Um, we went through all of our savings and maxed out all our credit cards to pay our bills. So I've been just started watching, um, um, the Ramsey show on budgeting and I watch your show every day. And, um, uh, that's why I called. It's like reaching out to, to, I don't know. I got some progress. It's a lifeline. I got it. Um,

Is your husband a good man? Is he a bum? He has an alcohol problem, so when he drinks, he's a bum. But when he doesn't drink, he's good. How often does he drink? That's a loaded answer. Does he drink every day? Yes, he does. Okay, so he's a bum every day. And I say bum, he's a guy who is just struggling deeply. After work, yeah. After work, he comes home and gets pretty lit up. But he's getting off work earlier and earlier and earlier.

Correct. Which means the ghost... This time of year, he will. Well, the ghost of alcohol, the shadow is beginning to take over more and more of his life. And it scares me. Yeah, it should scare you. It should scare you to death. Does he love you? He says he does. You don't believe that? No, because I got him to quit alcohol once and he went back. And that says I don't love you. I don't think that's true.

I think he's struggling with loving himself. Yeah. Okay. And it's easy to feel like someone's struggling with addiction. It's about us. It's not. Here's the thing about your husband right now and his alcohol use. That alcohol works. It's numbing him out from a life he's terrified of. You're so right. Okay. I can see that, yes. Okay.

And I can't fix them. That's right. I'm not a doctor. I can't. I don't have the tools to do that. That's right. So can he hear you? Sometimes. If you sit down and held both of his hands and said, I'm scared to death. I'm scared to death. I'm going to lose you. I'm scared to death of the situation we found ourselves with our money. I'm scared to death of we're broke. We've got to make some major changes here. What would he say to you?

I don't know. I have to find a time when he's sober. I don't mean to laugh when I say that. No, I got it. It's true. All you can do. Do you have any friends in your life or family members that he'll listen to? My family's all passed away. Does he have a man in his life he'll listen to? Somebody at work? Somebody that he respects or trusts down the street?

Somebody at a local church maybe, somebody that he just trusts? I wouldn't want to bring it up to his boss because it would jeopardize his job. His job's going to have to go because his boss sucks too. He doesn't give him any work. Well, not consistently. Yeah, that's not – his boss has no power over your home or family.

Yeah, but the thing that, I mean, the caveat there is, is that before we got married, he went through job upon job upon job upon job. And he's had this job for eight years. I know Alex, he has a job, but he's not working. That means it's not a job. He's not making any money. He's not going to his site every day. The main part of an employer's role in the life of a worker is to give them work.

Your husband has an employer, but he's not getting any work, which means all his boss is doing is keeping him off other job sites where he could actually be bringing home money to support his ailing wife and his dwindling financial situation, right? Yeah, I'm just scared to death of that conversation. Okay. If that conversation's not safe and speaking to somebody who's intoxicated is not safe.

No, then I want you to get with a girlfriend that you have in your life somebody that you trust and say I need help I'm, not okay. I'm not okay financially. I'm not okay health-wise. I'm not okay relationally I'm not okay Please help and my hope is maybe you write your husband a letter and he could see that and read it Because the emotional interaction the person a person is too much for him to take to carry. Maybe that's the case I don't know

Or maybe he can read it when he's sober in the morning, but your husband's got to get help. But right now you have somebody who is deeply struggling with alcohol and, and I get it. He's, he's hurting man, but he's not taking care of his wife and he's not taking care of his home and he's not taking care of himself. And at the end of the day, you're going to have to take the reins. And I hate this for you, but you're going to have to ask yourself, what must be true for me? And you're sitting there recovering from surgery. You can't move around very well. You can't,

I mean, I can't tell you how heartbreaking that is. Yet, here is where we find ourselves. So that means you're going to get on the phone today to start making phone calls about some work from home options, whether it's like being a call screener or I don't know what it is, but not just kind of play around at the edges. You need to make this a major, major priority in your life. And you shouldn't have to be doing this, but here's where we are.

And hopefully there's some glimmer of hope for your husband that he's going to go sit down and go to a meeting, a local meeting there in Greenville. I would love that for him because he's got to get sober so that he can go get work so that he can start providing. And it's going to work together because then he'll start standing a little bit taller in his life. Here's what I'm going to do for you.

I'm going to send you Financial Peace University for free, right? You're not going to pay for it. I'm going to send it to you. All nine lessons, but you got to promise me you're going to watch them, all of them start to finish, okay? And for those of you that don't know what that is, my show is hosted by the Ramsey Network. I also co-host the Ramsey Show, which is a nationally syndicated show. It's one of the largest shows on the planet. I think it's the second largest radio show in the nation, but it's about helping people get financial freedom.

And so I'm going to send you financial peace. It's a flagship program. I'm going to send it to you for free. And I want you to watch the videos and hope to God, hopefully he'll watch them with you. And you're not only going to get control of your money, but you're going to get control of your life. But here's where we got to go. Alex, you got to deal with reality. Right now, reality is really scary. And reality may mean for a while you go at it alone because you're not getting any help from your husband who's struggling with alcohol. I hate this for you. It's the next right step. You call me anytime, Alex, and I'll walk with you. Thank you for the call.

This is day one. We're going to do the next right thing. We'll be right back. All right, it's time to talk about Organifi. Our bodies do a lot for us. Our bodies keep us alive, filters toxins, deals with the onslaught of these wild news cycles. Our bodies move us around. Our bodies do everything. And let's be honest.

We don't always treat our bodies the best. So I want you to stop for a second and just say thank you to your body. And beyond just saying the words thank you to our bodies, we can also thank our bodies by changing how we move, by exercising, by engaging in close relationships, and we can change how we nourish our bodies with food and food blends.

One of the ways I honor my body is with the products from Organifi. I love Organifi because they're super, super selective about what goes into their whole food blends. And Organifi helps you think your body by using ingredients with integrity. Plant-based, certified, organic, vegan, dairy-free, soy-free, and glyphosate residue-free. And glyphosate is a pesticide you do not want in your body.

And it's so easy to get the benefits with Organifi. Just mix your favorite juice blend with water. That's it. Personally, I love the green juice and red juice in the morning for natural sustained energy and gut health. And I still love my happy drops every day. And I use the Better Biome gummies for digestion. And I often wind down in the evening with the gold chocolate hot cocoa. It's so good and it's naturally calming.

Go to Organifi.com slash Deloney right now to save 20% off at checkout with code Deloney. That's Organifi, O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I dot com slash Deloney and code Deloney for 20% off. Okay, so Kelly is gone. She's out of the office today.

And listen, a couple people texted in or DM to me and asked if Kelly was leaving. No, she has no there's no chance she's got a better professional opportunity than this show. She's on right now. Right. But Taylor is in the driver's seat and Taylor, you sent yesterday. So the show came will have come out on the day before this one. And there was a woman who called in and remind us what she was calling in about.

Yep. So a woman called in, it'll be on Monday's episode of this week. And it was, she was afraid of having a conversation with her husband, being attracted to other men and wanting attraction. Yeah. So she was thinking about like, she was on the, I'm thinking about having an affair precipice.

And so right after the show, I walked her through what I thought she should do and go have a conversation with him. She actually went and did it. She went and did it. Okay. And she wrote right back. So you forwarded me the email and it just made me smile all day. So read it for us. Yeah. So she wrote out right after. So right when we ended, it went to lunchtime. Then...

Then she sent me an email of my husband met me at home for lunch and I told him everything about how close I came to starting an affair and how tired I was. He wasn't angry with me for having attention and attraction of other men because I didn't become physical with him.

He's excited to have the questions for humans cards to work through together and his response mirrored John's of distancing my work from the other guy. I have to say, I'll never forget John comparing the other guy kissing like dumb and dumber. That's the best lust killer that I needed today. And I know the journey is not over, but it's also because I shared the truth with my husband. Dude. Awesome. Like I can't, I can't imagine how hard that conversation is to sit down and be like, all right, here's the deal. Um, and she did it. And, um,

Kudos to her husband for leading with curiosity instead of judgment and having his ego take over that conversation, but being able to exhale and see that his wife was reaching out and saying, help me. I'm about to make a decision that's going to blow both of our lives up. And he chose connection. Good for you guys. That's hard to do. I'm proud of both of them. And she said it. It's a long, long road ahead, but...

That's not always, I can imagine he's a good kisser, but imagine he's not. Imagine he's not. Imagine he just tries to eat your face. Dude, that's awesome. Hey, I sent them the questions for humans and I know people are like, oh, that's fun. They're a tool. They're a tool for reconnecting. There's questions for humans, the intimacy deck. There's questions for humans, couples, the couples, the third iteration of that. There's parents and kids. If you have found yourself distant from the person you love,

Dude, they're on sale right now. And so is building a non-anxious life. Check it out in the link below. Go get the questions for humans cards and reconnect. Get building a non-anxious life and plan for peace in this upcoming year. I love you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. I'm just, I'm, I'm, I'm so grateful for you. Take care.