My Husband Isn’t Attracted to Me Anymore
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Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. My husband told me he's not attracted to me because of my weight gain. And I'm very appreciative of him telling me this. But I struggle with the side effects of this conversation. I know he loves me, but sometimes he's stuck not showing it or verbalizing it because he feels like I'm not getting the results he has set for me. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

Probably, allegedly, the greatest marriage, relationship, mental health, emotional health podcast ever in the history of podcasts. And we have one and a half people out there in the audience.

No one's like y'all aren't with me on this one. Okay, so it's not the best ever, but it's pretty it's like pretty good. It's pretty good I'm super glad you're here on this show We talk about everything that's going on in your life real people going through real challenges in real time And people call it from all over the planet and we sit down and we figure out what's the next right step? whether it's with your marriage with your People you're trying to date your kids your psychological health whatever is going on

If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash A-S-K. And this is a huge week for us because Kelly's about to cross super threshold. That's not until next week, so let's not rush it. I have one more week. But I did see your walker out there, and I'm glad to see that you got into the studio without it. That was good.

If for those of you, the silence is her giving me her pretty face as she calls it. Let's go out to Fayetteville, Arkansas, and let's stop talking to Grandma Kelly and talk to Mandy. What's up, Mandy? Hi, Dr. Delaney. Thank you for taking my call. What's up? How are you? Great. Are you for real great or are you just pretending to be great?

Always great. Okay. Excellent. You can find, you can always find a positive spin on life. I've been telling Kelly that forever. And she's like, no, you can't. No, you can't. It's mostly all negative. All right. So I'm glad to talk to you. Okay. So what's up? So how do my, how do I process my feelings, regain my confidence in myself and how do I work together with my husband to stop this endless cycle of argument and hurt feelings about this particular topic? Go for it. What's the topic?

My husband told me he's not attracted to me because of my weight gain. And I'm very appreciative of him telling me this. And I'm working towards making better choices and losing the weight. But I struggle with the side effects of this conversation. So each person's expectations to approach goals are different. And I want us to be on the same page. I know he loves me.

But sometimes he's stuck not showing it or verbalizing it because he feels like I'm not getting the results he has set for me. So we're stuck in this endless cycle. Yeah. Take me back to that original conversation. What led up to that conversation?

I have gained about 40 pounds due to medical reasons. And about a year and a half ago is when all of this started. And he just sat me down and he had just been, his demeanor changed. Our relationship changed and I knew something was off with us. We we've been married 11 years and,

And, um, it just, it just didn't feel our normal. We're best friends. We were together all the time. And I just asked him, I said, what is wrong? We need to be open in our communication because that's very important to me. And constructive criticism is a good thing. Um, and he just, he laid it out and just said that the weight game, like that's just how he

is designed and it's just not attractive to him. Well, A, he needs to go learn about cultural competency because that's not quote unquote by design, but he's attracted how he's attracted, right? Is what it is. Absolutely. This is a sensitive topic. So do I have your permission just to kind of swan dive into this? Normally I would get to know you better and we would like build some rapport, but because of the way this time is, we can just jump right in. Is that cool?

Yeah. Okay. Not always, but often, often, often when I'm talking to folks in his shoes, okay, and he's not on the phone to defend himself, the weight gain or the change in a person's shape or their quote unquote attractiveness is often a part of a much bigger context.

Meaning, the weight, the actual visual cue, right? I'm not attracted to and I used to be, is a place to put all of the burden onto. But almost always there's one, two, three or more years of, and I'm just going to use you because this is the call, okay? So tell me if I'm off, of you feeling less secure about yourself, right?

Less playful, joyful, sensual, erotic, silly. And over time, those things that create desire in a 10-year-old, 9-year-old, 11-year-old marriage, right? Those things tend to go away.

The little touches, the I'm thinking about you, I'm going to make your coffee. Hey, what do you got going on this afternoon? And it's happening for him too, right? He's getting busy at work. This is when he's hitting his stride at work, right? Yes, absolutely. And so all of a sudden it lands here and y'all are wondering what happened. And that becomes an easy thing to point a finger at. So let me ask you this.

Does that ring true a year ago, two years ago, three years ago that you started getting bored, exhausted? You're a mother with three kids. I don't know what's going on in your life, but all these things happened and then the weight gain was alongside all this. Tell me about that. We had a child. Okay. So when this all transpired, we had a one and a half year old. Okay.

And we were learning the challenges of that as well. So all of that rings true. Okay. And so there was, how was life before you got pregnant? Incredible. Tell me about it. We had the same goals. We had the same desires. Our romantic life was amazing. Yeah.

We were selfish. We're kids. We didn't have the major responsibility of a child. It was wonderful. Ten out of ten. So what has changed that you think enjoying each other, having a good time, creating a life that you actually want to be living and making that happen? Why do you classify that as selfish? And why does that suddenly off the table now that you have a kid?

It has, it started off as it being off the table, but now after a lot of communication and just talking about these topics, we are getting back to that. Okay. And this was, this call was an effort to just get me over this hump. Okay. And what's the hump that you're stuck? So I'm hearing you say, I love this dude. I appreciate him having the courage to say this out loud. And you recognize it rang true.

Absolutely. Both in the physical stuff and like there's an actual number on a scale, but bigger than that, like our life has changed dramatically and it's not as fun. It's not as exciting. It's not as whatever, right? Erotic. We have this one and a half year old that just ruins everything, right? And all that's true. Is that fair? Yes, absolutely. Okay. So take me a year and a half later. Why does this still sting so much?

Because I went from the most confident person to feeling insecure about myself. And I want to know how to regain that and to stop this endless cycle of going back to this argument and just move forward. Oh, so your body just put a pin in this conversation. And whenever something good is going on or when you kind of mess something up, it just goes back to this one conversation over and over. Yeah. Yeah.

I can't stop it. You can, you can, but it's protecting you from something. Would I be wrong to say that I think your confidence was going sideways before this conversation? I think this concreted what you were starting to believe about yourself. Is that fair? Very fair. Where does that come from? You nervous about being a mom? Yes. How come? Mm-hmm.

I just, it's an area. I always, before I do something, I know the ins and outs before I proceed with something. I'm good at what I do. Not this one, dude. And this one, just, oh. Listen, my eight- I thought I knew what I was doing. My eight-year-old daughter the other night, we were just sitting in a room, me and my wife, and she goes, guys, I was thinking today, what if we're all already dead? And I was like, oh, what? And she's like, what if we're already all dead? Yeah.

And we're like in the afterlife. And I was like, you're eight. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. There is no, like, dude, there's no script. You're like, it's, it's unnerving. So here's what I'm wondering. And I'm just, I'm just spitting in the wind here. I'm wondering if for him, he lost this fun, loving, like connection with his wife, this woman, they used to, y'all used to just hook up whenever you wanted to. Y'all had extra money to go out to eat. Y'all could do whatever you wanted.

And as y'all started trying to have kids and you got pregnant, there's a tension that began to mount and mount and mount and mount in your own heart. And here he is a year and a half later, right? Of course, when you're pregnant, well, I'll say, of course, some people's pregnancy gets off the rails sexually, but often things slow down and then you have a kid and then it slows way down and it's

He is lost, disconnected from you. And it's right during the season because you have a human connected to you 24-7, 365. And so the pin he's able to put in it is weight gain. But that number in my head right now listening to you represents he misses his wife, right? Yes. And this psychological loop, this lack of confidence, you keep going back to this conversation. You keep going back to this conversation. Right.

When really it's a bigger picture. If you've lost this imaginary control you thought you had over the world. Yes. How long have you needed to be in control of everything? The last 10 years, probably. How come? I just like to...

be in charge of everything. I like things to go my way, I guess. I like to know because I deal with anxiety. If I plan for the worst and hope for the best, then I won't be surprised. I won't be let down. I won't be. Right. But right now you're planning for the worst every single day and it's destroying your marriage. Yeah. You're living into the worst every single day. And I say this because I love you. That's a terrible strategy for life.

There's a famous psychologist, Amos Tversky, that says pessimism, always waiting for the worst thing to happen is insane because if it actually comes true, if the worst thing does happen, you experience it twice. Once when you're worrying about it and once when it actually happens. Yes. You might as well just experience it once. And I'll ask you, is it protecting you from anything? Nothing. Just myself. And not even that, really. Yeah.

Most people find that when they turn off the pain part, the fear part, it also shuts off the joy part. And you find yourself hugging your kid, but you feel like there's a pillow between the two of you. Yes. And you find yourself having exhausted sex with your husband, and it feels like it's as exciting as doing the dishes, but it's a checklist thing. Yes.

And I feel like when something, one thing is out in my life, then it just is a spiral. I can't be good at anything else in those areas, in the other areas, in my work. It affects my work, my life, my friendship, everything. That has to be so exhausting. It is. I'm tired of it. Yeah. Can we be done with it? I would like to.

I want some active steps on how to change this because I know it can be changed. Did you grow up in the home of someone that struggled with addiction or anger? Major addiction. Who? My dad. Okay. Were you safe growing up? Yes, I was. Do you see how this is recreating itself? Yes. Okay. So active step number one, you had to control every variable growing up.

And that's how you kept your head on straight and you kept making the next right step because you had to because dad wasn't there to do it. Fair? I didn't realize that until now. Yes, that's very accurate. And if you've listened to this show more than once, you've heard me say the things that kept us safe as a kid will destroy our adult relationships. And so your need for control as a child was right. It was good. It kept you safe. And your need to hang on to every negative thing as an adult was

Is sending your husband a clear message? I'm probably not going to tell you the truth anymore. It's sending you a message that this is all you'll ever be. This is all we're going to be. And it's just the way this is. Yeah. And so you have to decide, I am going to let go of this old identity and I'm going to have to build something completely new from the ground up. And it's going to not be fun. And I'm telling you on the other side of it, it will be amazing. And it feels like you're all by yourself, doesn't it?

It does. Okay. I don't talk to anybody about this. I know, and it's killing you. And I say this not because you're not special. We're all special. But I didn't just pick addiction out of the air, okay? That tells me that it's a common track that people in your situation find themselves. And they loop on one negative thing. And it could be a husband saying, hey, you've gained 40 pounds. I'm not attracted to you anymore, which actually is usually a contextualized statement, right? Yeah.

I miss us. I miss you. And it could have been a job performance. I bet you've gotten a negative evaluation once in your career, and you can't forget that either. Fair? Fair. You have to decide, I want to put that stuff down. Yeah. And that means you're going to have to risk getting hurt again. Is your husband a good guy? Amazing. I don't deserve him. Oh, yes, you do. Don't say that. Why do you say that? He's just, he's always lifting me up and...

Making me pushing me to be better Getting pushed kind of sucks sometimes though, even when it's in a good direction, doesn't it? It does. Okay, so I want you to have the courage to tell them I don't need you to push me anymore I know here's what loving me today looks like and you haven't told them what you needed in a long time. Have you? I i've been Actively trying to do so. What's that? What does that mean?

So I've been making a special point weekly to be like, this is how I'm feeling and this is what I'm needing for you to show me. Can I say something that's going to be controversial, but I think I'm right. I would not spend a ton of energy trusting your feelings right now. Okay. Your feelings tell you that he doesn't love you.

or that love isn't supposed to be like this, or that motherhood was supposed to be different, and I don't feel like exercising, and I feel like just doing this. Does that sound right? Very. Okay. Right now, your feelings aren't giving you the best direction. That's why I want you to take some time to sit down and say, okay, I am a woman who is loved, and I want you to sit in that for a second. Okay? Okay. Are you a good mom? I am. Okay. I want you to sit in that. I want you to write that down. I'm a good mom.

Is your baby healthy? Okay. Baby's healthy. So you got the big rocks out of the way. And then I want you to ask yourself, how do I want it to feel coming home inside my own house every day? I want that guy to turn and see me walk in the door and his eyes light up. And some of that might be about physical fitness, but I promise you it's a lot more about the confidence and the eros that you walk into your own house with. Oh, okay. The sense of, yeah, that's right. I'm home now. Game on.

And, yes, we got to feed a baby and get a baby to bed and bathe a baby and change diapers, all that stuff. That's just that season, right? And there's tiring nights and exhausting days. But you saying, here's how I feel today, that's a tough map to navigate. Y'all deciding, here's what I need this week. Here's the best way you can love me. Two nights a week or three nights. Here's what it looked like last night in my house. Can you do school drop-off three mornings this week? I looked at my calendar and I went,

But yes, I can do that. And that wasn't like, I feel like this week, now we're not going to do, like, can you do this this week? Yes. This is what I need. Done. Can you do pickup twice? Yes, I can do that. And I'm out two times this week with two different events at night. Cool. We're both going to feel tired. We're both going to feel exhausted. We're both going to feel all kinds of things. But here's what we need. See the difference? Yes. And feelings have been running your life and they're just jerking you around.

Yes, for sure. What does nutrition and working out look like for you? Exercise, taking care of yourself. I have drastically changed my eating habits, healthier foods, and then also joining workout classes. Is that helping? We're not seeing the results that I'm hoping for, but I'm also not doing it every single day. Often when somebody says the word drastic, I know it's going to crash.

Because I've struggled with that my whole life. I want to correct it all right in a second. And drastic over the course of, I think I've progressively made better choices each year. Okay. Just because I'm pursuing a healthier diet, but it was a drastic change from how I grew up. Ah, okay. There you go. Okay. So I'm going to do two things. I'm going to hook you up with my friend, Dr. Lane Norton's app, the Carbon app.

which is the best nutrition tracker there is for macros. It's the one I use in my house. It's the one Andrew Huberman uses. It's the one a bunch of us use. It's just the best there is. And it's no, you scan a barcode with a camera and it just puts the food in there for you and it helps you keep track. I have no affiliation for it. I don't get paid at all. It's just the best there is. Okay. And I like giving away my friends stuff. I'm also going to send you my friends over at Mind Pump a workout for them. Okay. It's the best there is.

Sometimes you go into some of these gyms and you do a class and the guy or the person riding the class is yelling at you and screaming at you. And it may be that what you need today is a 30 minute walk. Yeah. Okay. And if you go in the gym and you feel sore every day, you're not going to want to get up the next day. And then someone's going to be like, you're weak, suck it up. And then you have a kid that's screaming all night and then you feel like a failure. And then your husband goes, why doesn't she love me? And now the whole loop starts over again. Yes, absolutely. I mean, is that ringing true? Yeah.

Everything. Okay. So we're going to go slow and we're going to go gentle and you're going to be honest, not about feelings. Feelings are important. They're cool. You put those in your journal. But when you sit down with your husband, you say, here's what I need this week. I need three nights this week where I'm going to go for a one hour walk by myself. I just made that number up. It might be 10 minute walk. And I need you to do bath time. Well, the baby screams during bath time. Cool. Y'all figure it out. Okay. Perfect.

And twice a week, I need you to get up because I got to sleep. Or maybe you're like, no, I'll get up and do feeding times. I actually like that time, even though it makes me miserable and I'm tired. However you all navigate it, I need you to be honest about what you need, what you want this house to feel like. Okay? Okay. Is that fair? Yes. And then I want y'all to be very direct about becoming friends again, becoming romantic partners again.

asking like i'm gonna send you all the questions for humans i got okay for couples i'm gonna send all i think i got two or three decks of those i want you i want y'all just to start enjoying each other again intimacy starts intimacy starts way outside of the bath uh the bathroom whoa outside the bedroom um but i want y'all to begin enjoying being around each other again

Yes. Because if you don't like you, then he thinks he's screwed up and he doesn't like him and y'all aren't going to like each other. And then sex feels just awkward and forced and there's a screaming. It just, it just, ugh, right? So we're going to start dating again. Here's what y'all are doing. You're building a new marriage. Y'all have never been married and been parents. This is all brand new. And so now you get to rediscover each other. You're going to be into different things. He's going to be into different things.

he's gonna have to help out you're gonna get some help y'all are gonna figure these things out together as you move down the track i'm also going to send you building a non-anxious life i want you all to work through that book together everything and i know you want some clear steps i think there's a bigger picture going on here at your house and so um i've given you some tools to talk about i mean with nutrition and fitness so giving you some things you can talk about at home together but i think all of this starts with y'all going out and getting out of the house

getting a babysitter, whether you want to or not, getting somebody to watch your kids so you can exhale for a second, and then looking at each other and say, I love you. Are you still in? And him go, I love you. I'm still in. Cool. What do we want this house to feel like when you walk in, when I walk in? Let's just reverse engineer that and create that world for ourselves. And it's a pain and it's tough and you're going to have to deal. You may want to talk to an Al-Anon group about being an adult now with your own kid, having grown up in the house of an addict.

There's a lot of little twists and turns you can take here. I want you to never forget y'all are doing this together. And just the simple math, if you exercise and you track, I mean, your weight will take care of itself, but I think there's a much bigger, your husband wants you to like yourself again. Because when you like you, then you like y'all. When you like y'all, then you party. And he probably has some things he needs to work on. And it's time for you to be honest with him too. You're a good mom and you are loved. Call anytime. We'll be right back.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. So my wife and I were meeting the other day about the back-to-school madness that is about to be on us. We've got my travel schedule, her work schedule, our daughter's new school and clothes and forms to fill out and all these online portals, and my son's sports schedule, and he's got to have shoes every two weeks because his feet won't stop growing, and how are we going to pay for all this, and on and on and on.

And when we step back and look at our schedule, it's so packed and we haven't even put in the things like exercise, date nights, counseling appointments, church and holiday trips and big home projects. And these are the things that make life worth living. And I listened to y'all. This is your life too. And here's what I've learned. When it comes to taking care of me, my family and my work, I have to begin with the things that matter most and the things that keep me well and whole so I can wade into the chaos and be sturdy and present and strong.

you too. So as you're planning your upcoming end of summer and fall plans, make sure you don't skip date nights, don't skip regular exercise, and don't skip your regular therapy appointments. Yes, therapy can be hard work, but it can also help make the rest of your life possible.

When it comes to therapy, I want you to consider calling the team at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy staffed with licensed therapists. It's convenient, it's flexible, and it's suited to fit your schedule.

With a good therapist, you can learn things like positive coping skills, how to set boundaries, how to deal with all the chaos going on in your life, and how to be the best version of yourself. In this upcoming season, make sure you put on your oxygen mask first. Never skip therapy day. Call my friends at BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney.

All right, let's go out to Seattle, Washington, home of Alice in Chains and talk to Tara. Hey, Tara, what up? Hi, Dr. John. Thank you so much for having me on today. Of course. Thanks for calling. What's up? So my ex-husband and I have a child together. And since we divorced almost five years ago,

He has chosen to not take an active role in our child's life at all. So it is just my son and I. And so on top of being a full-time single parent, I work and go to school full-time. So my plate is pretty full. Can I stop for a second? Yeah. Can I just applaud you? Thank you. Like for real. Good on you.

Thank you. I appreciate that. Do you like get it though? I know you're in it. Yeah. Yeah. What you're doing is extraordinary because you could cash out on any three of those things you're doing right now. Thank you. It's hard. Thank you. It is hard. It's very hard. I have two kids and I have a gangster who is a co-parent with me and I don't know what day it is on most days. Yeah. And I'm kind of proud of myself. What you're doing is amazing. Thank you.

Good on you. All right. So what's up? Thank you. So my parents, they are pretty on my case. I was going to say are the worst, right? Whatever they're doing. Go for it. They are on my case about finding my son a new dad. Oh, my gosh.

And I, you know, I value their opinion. I really admire their relationship. You shouldn't. You shouldn't. Sorry, I shouldn't interrupt you. I hate that I do that. Keep going. You know, they've been together for 35 years. Aw, how cute. Okay. I really do admire their relationship and I see where they're coming from. I do see that not everyone

Having a dad is a disservice to my child, but I just don't know if that's something I should make a priority. I'm kind of tapped out, you know, I, on top of everything that I have going on and trying to maintain what little social life I have, I just don't have much time or energy to even focus, you know, into your relationship. Um, did you leave your husband just like for fun?

Of course not. No. When y'all got divorced, were you like, oh yeah, single parenthood, here I come? No. Okay. Here's why. I'm asking you that. Mm-hmm. The research is super clear. Yes, your son needs a dad, needs a male role model in his life that he can live and see, like a living embodiment in front of him. No question about it. The research is unambiguous about that. Okay? Mm-hmm.

But you're walking around every day carrying it as though you did that on purpose for fun. Stop. Stop. Okay? Okay. You're doing an amazing job for the situation you found yourself in. Right. And I can tell by how you phrased the question that you're one of those amazing step-parents who has taken it to heart to refuse to speak ill of their kid's other parent. But that dude sucks, doesn't he?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, I, I never talk poorly about my dad. I know you don't. My kid's dad. I know, but you talk poorly about your kid's mom and that has to stop. Yeah. Cause your kid's mom's amazing. Thank you. Thank you. Now, if you had called and been like, dude, I was married, but I was like, YOLO. And I didn't like the guy that much. I divorced him and we are part of it. Like, yes, I would say, dude, that was not cool.

Right. And you ran for your life and you, you have a hundred percent custody now? Yes. Basically. I have majority custody. He just chooses not to see him. It's ridiculous. Yes. And so you're carrying the hurt that you have on behalf of your son, but you're holding it as though it's your fault. Stop. Okay. Okay. Cause there's also research that says, yes, a great step parent is a gift. It's amazing.

And a not good step parent is a disaster. Right. Okay. So your parents, yes, they see the strength and the peace and stability they have with a 35 year marriage. It's amazing. It's awesome. That's not what you have. No. And their advice to you would be better served in trying to figure out how to support you. And by the way, you're not going to be in school forever. Right. How old is your child? Six, five?

Five. Yeah. I promise the day is coming when he'll be able to pee all by himself and he'll hit mostly water and he'll be able to shower all by himself. I promise that day is coming, right? Right. Five-year-olds, it's just like they just walk in the door and start peeing and just make a lap in the bathroom and they just are done by the time they walk out. Yeah. Yeah.

I had a buddy that cleaned up bathrooms at like a chill. He's like, I don't understand. I like the physics of where P was. I couldn't understand how it got from certain places, but like that, that will, that will come to an end ish, sort of, sort of, um, you'll start to slowly get parts of your life back. Okay. Yeah. Do I want you to find somebody that you can do life with a hundred percent? I believe in that. I do.

Yeah. I also know that you're in the eye of a hurricane right now. You got a five-year-old, you got all the responsibilities, you got all the bills, plus you're trying to get to another place with your career. Good on you. It's just a season, okay? It's messy. Yeah. Here's the truth. So if you're my sister, if you're a close friend of mine, I would strongly, strongly, strongly recommend that you put yourself in a position where you have at least one, but preferably one or two opportunities

strong men that you could trust to take your kid out to breakfast, to take your kid to a ball game. Like getting him in front of or around other safe men would be a really important thing if you can figure that out. Yeah. That might be a teacher, that might be an after-school program, that might be a summer camp, that might be any number of a church leader that you trust.

Um, it might be any number of other things. I am overly present in my son's life and I make sure he has other men that he can go see as well. Okay. I just think that's, it's, it's, it's super important for kids. And so, um, finding that would be awesome. And maybe that's your, maybe that's your dad, your kid's granddad.

Yeah. If they're wonderful people like you say they are and they're safe and they're great and they'll take him out fishing and take him out to, I don't know what your son's into, take him to do art, whatever he's into. That'd be awesome. Yeah. I've got brothers too that would love to help. So imagine, are they live in your area? They do. Oh my gosh. Can I just tell you, if my sister called me

My little brother called me and said, hey, I'm asking, I'm enlisting you. We found ourself in this situation. You know my ex. He's the worst. And my son needs some men in his life. Would you guys commit to one day a week? I'll even help pay for it if you would take him to coffee, if you would take him out to a thing, go read books, just take him to a movie, whatever. Just go for a hike with him on a Saturday morning or like a Sunday morning or take him to church, whatever the thing is.

It would be the most amazing ask I can imagine. Yeah. You might have to swallow some pill of, I can do all this myself and I'm going to be the, right? I was just going to say, it's hard to ask for help. Stop. That guy sucks. Every other guy doesn't. Right. Okay. Yeah. Let the trustworthy men in your life love your boy. Yeah. And let them show, model what that looks like out in the world.

Yeah, I can do that. I know you can, will you? Yeah, I will. Okay, here's the two words I want you to, or three words, four words, sorry. Okay, on one hand, a living example. He needs to have faces and actual human beings that he can point to that are strong male role models in his life. You got some brothers, you got a dad, you got a mom,

You've hopefully got some friends, some coworkers, some people at your church. Amazing. But living example. Okay. The other two words I want you to keep in your head, stable and peaceful. That's the ethos of your home. Right. Okay. And it's already chaotic with full-time work and full-time school and full-time five-year-old just going all the time. Right. Yeah.

When you start dating again, if you start dating again, we're going to focus on not just finding a warm body to insert into this open position, right? Like it's a painter or a roofer. We're going to get our kid, every time he thinks of home, I want him to exhale. That's my safe anchor place. Yeah. And when you build safety and stability and peace inside that home,

Then if somebody else comes along, they have to plug into that ethos. Yeah. Fair enough? Fair enough. Your kid's too young, but if he had a, I don't know, a nightly phone call or an every week phone call or just, you know, it'd be fun if your brothers just rotated, send in a silly picture, like a photograph of them making a silly face and they texted it to you and you showed him every night.

And then he made a silly face back or your brothers just texted you every other day. And I know they're busy. They got their life, but they just texted you a quick 30 second voice memo about how wonderful your little boy is. And at night before you went to bed and you're doing bedtime with him, you read him a story and then you play the voice message. It's not dad. And it breaks my heart that his dad is just cashed out on him. Absolutely. Just, I can't even wrap my head around that.

But dude, how amazing would it be if he's got this library of voices, this library of faces reminding him that he's loved, that other men see him and know that he's got value and he's going to grow up and be a good man someday too. But no, you don't just go find a warm body and be like, ta-da, here you go, kid. That's a recipe for a nightmare on top of the nightmare y'all are both already living. Your son has a great, great mom.

He's getting a ringside seat to what grit and strength and just keep going at one step after another looks like. So in those worlds, when he really got the worst end of the dad card, he sure got an amazing picture of what love and motherhood looks like. Good for you. Good for you. And the next time your mom and dad start barking at you, just say, hey, that's enough of that. I got it. We're good. No more. No more.

You're awesome, Tara. We'll be right back. Let's talk about Organifi. I just got home from a week in the woods with family and friends and a few hundred high school kids at a summer camp. And as you can imagine, I ate camp food for a week. I didn't sleep great. And high schoolers aren't the most hygienic creatures in the world. And now that I'm home...

And now that you're home for whatever you've been doing this summer, and we're both beginning to settle back into the rhythms of the end of summer, start of school, it's critical that both you and me get back into our wellness routines. And for me, Organifi is a cornerstone of my wellness routine.

I blend the red and green powders together almost every morning, and I keep talking about them. I love my happy drops, and I've revolutionized my sleep with Harmony and Gold Juice Medley. I blend them together and drink them down right before bed, and I sleep like a baby. Organifi helps me with energy and gut health with my sleep and with my mood.

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All of it. Invest in yourself with Organifi. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Salt Lake City, Utah and talk to Sheena. What's up, Sheena? Hi. Hi, Dr. John. Thank you so much for taking my call. Of course. What are you doing? I am struggling with a little bit of emotional issues.

With a blended family situation. Oh, good. Oh, good. What's up? All right. What happened? Monday, I have a yearly pass to this garden place. And I offer them to my oldest stepdaughter, who's 17. And I'm like, hey, you can take your friends. You can take your mom. Like, I can get you free tickets, like, all this week. You have passes to a garden place? Like a...

Like a curated garden, like a park kind of thing? Yes. Okay. Like a really nice, fancy park. Okay, cool. And so they're like $25 ticket. So she calls her friend right away. Her friend video called my stepdaughter's mom. Her name is Misty and they're the friend's mom. So they're on a video call together. And so I was like, hey, Sheena's going to offer us free tickets.

Like, we can go any day this week. Do you guys all want to go? And they're like, well, we don't want to go with Sheena. And they started ragging on me. And I'm like standing in the room. And my stepdaughter is listening to all of it, not stopping them. Like, they just continue. So I left the room and went and shut myself in the office. I was like, if they don't want tickets for me, that's fine. But I didn't need to hear all that.

And it's not the first time they've, and I have to see her friend. I have to see her friend's mom. I have to see Misty. Like they've always done stuff like this. Like I've had to see counselors a few times because I get so personally hurt. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop giving them a vote. Stop giving them a vote. They don't get a vote. Like in all honesty, why do you care what like stepdaughter's mom has to say?

I think, well, I was kind of thinking it while I was sitting on the phone. I've actually walked, I've walked in on my stepdaughter trashing me a few different times, like to neighbors or to like, I don't, it's how her mom is. Her mom's a very negative Nancy. And I'm not surprised. Like my friend or my stepdaughter has a hard time keeping friends because she trash talks people so much and they do walk in on it. And she learned it from her mom, right? Yeah.

Yeah, and I just, I don't know how to. I mean, they're teenage girls. Like, we're always going through struggles. They're always going through hard stuff. But I don't know how to help in this situation. And I don't know how to, like, pretend that it doesn't hurt. Okay, a couple things. With a teenager, with a kid, with a child,

As the stepmom, you have to understand that anytime she does something fun with you, there's a part of her that feels like she's being disloyal to her mother. Anytime she laughs with you, accepts a gift from you, she both loves it and cherishes it and is haunted by the fact that you're not her mom. Yeah. Right?

And so you have to decide as an adult, I am not going to carry the emotions of a teenage, of my teenage stepdaughter. That's madness. It's going to be all over the place. That poor kid has grown up in chaos, right? Yeah, it would be, it would be unfair. And her, her first example of what, of what mature kids,

what a mature woman looks like is a grown woman acting like a middle school girl. Right? Right. And so this kid's just, I mean, gotten the short end of every stick so far. And then she got you. Someone who loves her, who's trying really hard. And you have placed a part of your worth on whether a teenage girl likes you or not. And I've told her before, I'm like, I will never give up on you. Yeah. Ever.

And she doesn't believe you. Why? Because her own mom did. That little girl is still trying to figure out what in the world she did to separate mom and dad. And so when you say, I won't ever quit on you, she'll look at you through teary eyes and go, I'm so grateful for you. But she doesn't know what that means.

And so you got to keep showing up and you got to keep showing up. I always tell parents whenever there's divorce and remarriage and blended families, you suddenly shift from a year long game, like a year by year game to a 10 year, 15 year game. What you're looking for now is a 25 year old young woman to look back and go, my stepmother was freaking amazing. My mom was nuts.

And that's hard day to day when you're trying to do something nice, it's costing you a hundred bucks and everyone around you is just trashing you and making fun of you. That's the worst. Yeah. That's why I keep telling myself, and my husband keeps saying it too. He's like, her mom's like a Muppet. She's the one that complains in the background. She's like an aunt. You always have to see it get together. It's driving everyone nuts.

It's just who she is and she won't change. But you keep singing and dancing as though you can make her change. Stop. It's running you into the ground. I know. Offer her tickets, not because you're hoping for some kind of ROI, like, okay, this is going to be the thing. Offer her tickets because you got tickets and that's just the kind of person you are. Or don't offer tickets. Cool. I mean, if you don't want them, I'd rather go. Yeah.

Or I've got other friends who would like to go. Well, they still accepted the ticket. They didn't mind. Well, and remember, behavior is a language, especially with a high school kid. So a high school kid can make, oh my gosh, this is so dumb. Who would ever do this? And then they go.

It's so lame. All she does is go stupid flowers. Oh, that's so ridiculous. And then they go out in the sunshine and they have a great time together. Yeah, they did have a good time. Of course they did. Because it's fun. It's a good time. And kids often, especially teenagers, they crave peace. They crave sunshine. They crave just slowing down a little bit. But if you offer that, they think you're nuts.

Right? It's like a kid will feel better after a healthy meal. But if you offer a healthy meal, they're like, no, dude, I was going to McDonald's. That's the adult's job is to not hinge everything on the feelings of a teenager. And you heard him. You saw him. She came back. She probably had a good night. She slept. And the next morning she woke up and felt a little bit guilty that she had fun without her mom. And the whole thing kicks up again.

And I think the work for you is to stop trying to impress a child, to stop trying to win over a stepmom and to ask your husband, what kind of home do we want to have? And I'm going to build that. And people are going to take shots. They're going to poke fingers. They're going to whatever, whatever, whatever. It's all good. Some of my closest friends are eyeballs deep in travel sports with their kids all over the place.

Some of my closest friends' kids have more tech on their cell phones than I could ever have as an adult. They're still my friends. I give them a hard time. They make fun of me. But I'm not parenting for their approval. Yeah. Right? I'm especially not parenting for somebody else's approval. So let me ask you one final question before I let you go. Why are you so insecure about this whole parenting thing?

I'm usually not until I hear the negativity. Because I actually, because I have an ex-husband with a wife and my husband actually has another son and I hang out with all of them and we can all talk and have a good time. But we don't get negative with each other because we all made bad choices in our 20s and we're in the 20s now. Okay, so why are you letting this one person speak into your soul?

It's either you're pretty insecure about your own parenting or there's a nugget of truth in what she's saying. I feel like it's all new waters to me because I came from a great family. And so this, I'm just like, she came from a split family. So I feel like her mom's played this game before or she's reenacting things that her parents did. I don't know, but it's all new to me. It's like,

This is the first time I've ever had a teenage daughter. I'm still trying to figure this out. And I am, I'm, I feel like I'm a butterfly and everything touches me. And all of a sudden I can't fly for a whole day. Like everything affects me. I'm just emotionally sensitive. Emotional sensitivity is good, but emotional outsourcing is not. I don't want, I don't want to be surrounded by a bunch of people with super thick skin that can't feel.

Bunch of AI robots. I don't want that. And also, that's a fine line between being able to feel and go, ah, man, and being shut down by it. And almost always when somebody's shut down by the words of a 16-year-old or the words of an uncouth, uncool ex that you really have no relationship, but you kind of do now because you're in this weird situation. Yeah.

You've got no margin in your life. You're exhausted. Your marriage might not be as strong as you want it to be. Like there's other things going on that make your margin so thin that just one drop of water tumps everything over the glass. I think I'm just like I function well with high anxiety. Yeah, stop. You're going to burn everybody out, yourself included. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like you get addicted to the chaos and the ah all the time. A little bit, yeah. Yeah, stop. Yeah.

Do this. I'm going to send you my book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, okay? I'm going to send it to you for free. I want you to read it with your husband. And I want you all to ask yourself this question. What would it be like if our home was a place where everybody opened the front door and their shoulders just dropped like three inches? We all went, we're home. Not, we all got here and now it's time to get. What if that wasn't the case? Because in your world, your relationships are all electric.

everybody's got a thing and I got to manage this and move this and talk to this and respond to this text. And oh my gosh, I didn't respond to that fast. That's your, that's your day-to-day life. And you get a teenage girl in the house. That's just chaos all by itself. And then you got a job, you work. I, we have three businesses. Cause why not? Cause why not?

Why not? I know. I know. I'm like a Tasmanian devil, but I actually make everything beautiful after I leave. Okay. But the Tasmanian devil doesn't call like a mental health podcast and he's like, I don't know why I'm so fried all the time. Yeah. Yeah.

I have seen counselors and they're like, it's just a bump in the road. And it usually is. It's not a bump in the road because these bumps are building. They're building on you. And my guess is it's taking longer and longer and longer to get back every time you have one of these week-long setbacks. It takes longer and longer and longer. And it hurts a little bit more and a little bit more. So you have a little bit grander of a gesture. And yeah.

So my suggestion is, and I know it sounds trite, just unplug. Every time you hear the stepmom say something, I want you to whisper to yourself she doesn't get a vote. Or even more, her voice doesn't matter. Her opinion doesn't matter. Her opinion doesn't matter. And when you have a 16-year-old or a 15-year-old or a 17-year-old teenager trying to snuggle up to her birth mom, fine, fine. And I want you to begin to catch yourself when you say, hey, you hurt my feelings. Nope, you don't have the power to hurt my feelings. You're a child.

I allowed my feelings to be outsourced to a teenager and I'm going to work on that. Or occasionally I'll tell my daughter, I'm choosing to be frustrated right now. I tell my son, I'm choosing anger right now because of X, Y, or Z. I get to choose that. I'm a grownup. They can't make me, but I can choose that. And then I want you to go through building a non-existent life. And I want you to look at these places in your life, the state of your relationships, the state of your finances, the state of your reactivity.

The state of are you and your husband being honest about like reality inside your home, how good things are or are not. I want you all to begin solving for peace, not just playing whack-a-mole with problems. What an exhausting way to live. I am not letting a crazy ex-wife speak into my life. They get no votes. None. Zero. Zero votes.

I'm going to listen and honor the 16-year-old or 17-year-old or 15-year-old in my house, but they're not making decisions. They don't get final vote, final say. They're kids. They're children. And that means I got to own it. That means I got to be whole. That means I got to have some peace in my life so that I can do these hard things that are going to be asked of. Or you can just choose chaos. You're a grown-up. You get to do whatever you want to. I'm just telling you. I spent most of my life choosing chaos. And then one day, several years ago, I started choosing peace. Man, it's made all the difference.

Thanks for the call, Sheena. We'll be right back.

Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com.

All right, we're back. Something cool happened. What was it, Kelly? What happened? All right. This is from Olivia in St. Louis. Newton John? Probably. Most likely. Yeah. All right. Probably. She says, just wanted to say I'm a longtime fan and finally mustered up the courage to sit down with my husband and walk through our basic needs of our marriage, and we made a want list.

We did this a few weeks ago, and it has been a dramatic change in our marriage. Our communication has been completely transparent. One of my needs is that I don't like being left out or being questioned in conversations. We also have been more intimate and connected, my husband's needs, with flirting, putting sex on the calendar. She says, a month ago, I would have cringed at the idea of putting that on there.

We've enjoyed the process and will continue to do this on a regular basis because our wants and needs will likely change. I was pleasantly surprised how much my husband was on board with this from the bottom of my heart. Thank you, thank you for all you do and for all the little nuggets of advice. We'll see you in October in Nashville. Dude, very cool. Very cool. And it was kind of weird that you disguised your name

and what's going on in your life. But I take that, and I honor your anonymity, Kelly. Very cool. No, it's awesome. Hey, and let's be super honest. She could have sat down and said, I want to do this, and he could have looked at her and been like, that's the stupidest thing I ever heard, and turned the basketball game on, right? And they got to deal with that. But I find more and more, most people in semi-functional marriages don't want it to be the way it is. And if somebody will just sit down and say, hey, can we just...

Build something new. I don't know how but let's try Let's start with what do you want what I want, man? It's amazing what can happen when two people decide to take on the world marriage is In this modern world. It's an act of rebellion It is a middle finger to everybody who wants to pull you apart says it's over. It's stupid. It's done Just how do you feel marriage is an act of rebellion? so I say

Sit across from each other and say it's you and me versus the world. Let's go get it. I just love that imagery. It's awesome. Go make it happen. I'm proud of you. What was her name? Olivia. Newton. John. Way to go, Olivia. Slash. And hey, everybody, this is Kelly's birthday week. It's next week. It's the week before her birthday week. When you're as old as she is, it goes in. Time goes faster. But listen, send in your cards and letters and notes.

She's got some new readers. The lenses are big. She's got some new readers and she's going to be able to read all. It's going to cost me. Hey, I love y'all. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Bye. Bye.