My Husband Doesn’t Respect My Role In Our Family
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Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Struggling to explain to my husband that the way we have been interacting lately has made me feel like the things that are on my plate is not appreciated. He makes about two-thirds of our income, and I make about a third of our income. We have two children. I watch them from home while I work remotely. Good God almighty. Hey, what's up? This is John with Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad that you're with us.

So I'm feeling overdramatic this morning. I'm sorry. Lots of caffeine. Hope you're doing well. Hey, if you want to be on the show, we talk to real people going through real challenges. But your emotional health, your mental health, your kids, your schools, workplace, your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. Here's the deal. All of us want, all of us want love and belonging. We all want love and belonging. We all want love.

an opportunity to have our voice heard. We want to matter, right? And we find ourselves stuck in those places where those things aren't happening.

man we just find ourselves in these loops if you're tired of being in the same loop give me a buzz 1-844-693-3291 it's 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask ask we are rocking on to the break of dawn let's go out to columbia south carolina and talk to n-i-k-k-i what's up nikki hi dr john how are you good you

I'm doing okay. I'm very interested to see what you have to say today. Well, I am, as my wife would say, feeling a little bit much. So let's do it. So I am struggling to explain to my husband that the way we have been interacting lately has made me feel like my role in the family is misunderstood. The things that are on my plate is misunderstood and not appreciated. Okay. Tell me more.

So my husband works a job that he has to be in person, so he's not at home during the day. He makes about two-thirds of our income. I do also work full-time. However, I am fully remote, so I am at home all day, and I make about a third of our income. We have two children, two daughters, two under two, and I watch them from home while I work remotely. Good God almighty. You can't do that. Yeah.

So I have a very flexible job. I've been in my job for a while now. I am very good at my job. And so I am able to, while working a little bit outside of the normal hours to make up for any time that I couldn't do things during the day, I'm able to keep up. I don't miss deadlines. I'm not in any sort of like trouble at work or anything like that. So it is working for us. The cost of childcare is huge.

Paul, can I stop you? Can I interrupt you? Oh, it's so rude of me. Can I interrupt you? Yeah. It's not working for you. It's not working for me? No. Can I tell you how I know that? Okay. You started off by dividing up the income. What that means is your husband has a life and you have a life. And to your life, you have added two children under the age of two. And your life, which you measure in productivity and income,

has less value than his life in the dynamic y'all have created in your home. And it's not working for you anymore. Just because you can hit deadlines doesn't mean you're not drowning. It means you're like really, really strong, but you're getting tired. Is that fair?

I'm very tired. Okay. It's not just those things that make me tired. I think if I had just those two things on my plate, I would feel, because I'm very fulfilled as a mother and I am not stay-at-home mom material in the sense that I can't have other things for my mind to be on. I enjoy that my work makes me do other things with my mind. But if it were just those things, I don't think I would be so tired. It's everything else. Yeah.

And so how have you tried to bring this up with your husband in the past? So the main issue is like an example is he'll come home, he'll give me a kiss, run and go see the girls wherever they may be. And one of my children is almost two years old. So she is a terror. I love her, but she's a terror. And a thing that she's been doing lately is pouring out her snacks and stomping all over them because it's fun.

And so sometimes if that happens and I'm in the middle of a spreadsheet or I'm in the middle of making dinner, because I like to have dinner done earlier in the day, I don't feel the need to go and clean that right away. It's not dangerous. It's not hurting anyone. We have a dog. She'll probably eat it. And so I just don't feel the need to do that. But when he comes home, it is immediate irritation. He's irritated that I have left that mess. And

In the past, he has tried to, what I believe in a good way, tried to tell me things that may, quote unquote, help me in my day, like habits that I can try and add to my day that may make my day easier. However, it comes across as ignorant and selfish because I feel like he's asking me to do things so he is not irritated when he comes home. And that's kind of not my focus. So you're stuck in a dance. Can I interrupt your dance? Yes.

Yes. Okay. Yeah. I may be completely out to lunch here. I am going to assume positive intent from both of you, okay? He's not abusive or mean or ugly in any other way. Is that fair? No. He is, outside of this issue we've been having, he is the most genuine, the most kind, and the most loving person I've ever met. Perfect. So I think this is my naively optimistic opinion that most couples fall in the situation that you're in.

Okay. And I choose to be optimistic here. Okay. I think he sees the chaos in the house and he goes to love you the best way he knows how, which is with data and information, a solution, because that's how often, and I'm over-gendering this, I know, that is how men talk to each other. Well, dude, just change the tire. Dude, just go get your oil changed. Or if you just moved the whatever. Right. It feels like...

to you that he's calling you dumb and lazy because you don't need a solution. You know, it's there. What you need is to be seen and heard and to say, how can I love you right this second? Yeah. Or to not say anything, to see that stuff on the floor and not immediately think, oh God, she's overwhelmed. I'm going to show her where the life raft is. But to see that and go, I've got an opportunity to serve my family. I'm going to grab a vacuum. Yeah. Yeah.

And so both of you, I think, are trying to help. You're just speaking different languages. The hardest part for me is...

I feel his irritation, whether it's body language or just how his vibe is coming off. And I get this pit in my stomach like I failed him. And then I get angry because I'm like, I haven't failed him. I'm taking care of our children and I'm working and I'm contributing to the household. There you go. I also do all of the shopping. Here it comes. Let it rip. Let it all. What's all the stuff you do? Rattle it off. I do everything.

All of the, everything with the kids, their doctor's appointments. I joined a board on our church to do like a mom's morning out program so I could get a discounted rate because I'm on the board. So that way I could afford to have some sort of break during the week. And I don't need a pat on the back. I have made choices in life. I decided to become a wife. I decided to become a mother. I'm doing the things that come with that. I just don't need criticism. Have you said that exact sentence?

I have. And how is it met? He wants to help me

And he says that every time he comes up with a solution and I try to explain to him why it doesn't work the way he thinks it will, like implementation just doesn't happen how he thinks it will. He says, I just get defensive. And then I get defensive. Do you? And then we fight. Do you get defensive? I do. Okay. I do. And I don't know what else to do because I feel like I have to defend what I'm doing all day to make him see that it's not what he thinks it is. I'm sorry.

I just see two people who love each other trying to do the best they can, and they haven't made peace with the fact that every single aspect of their life is different now. Have you heard people say marriage is 50-50? I hear people say that all the time. That's the stupidest thing. I don't believe that. Yeah, it's nonsense. It's total, stupid, dumb nonsense.

I used to think that it was if one day a partner's giving 20% and the other one's giving 80, but I have come to realize that sometimes you're giving 20 and the other person's getting 20 and the rest of it is just not happening. And I don't think that my husband shares that perspective. I think he thinks that we need to always be

like fully productive, fully efficient at full capacity. And sometimes I think it's okay for those things not to happen. I think it's okay if our children are safe and fed and feel loved that the dishes just get done the next day. Well, let me rephrase. Let me add a different perspective. Sometimes you gave a hundred and the dishes would have been 105.

I don't think you're giving 20 and he's giving 20 or you're giving 20 and he's giving 100. I think you gave 100 and that's where we got. And there's times when now maybe you got the flu and you can only give 25. And as a husband, I'm going to give 175. That means something else has to give.

Right. And that's part of life. I'm going to skip my workouts and skip my reading and skip my guitar playing and skip my whatever, because that's what it takes and vice versa. Right. When I'm in the middle of writing a book, my wife knows I got, she's carrying more load for this particular season. We've talked it through, but y'all are, y'all are the dishes, the Cheerios. Those are a proxy war. And the proxy is I miss my old life. The proxy is I want everything the way I want it all right now.

And neither of you have metabolized the fact that it's not reality. I don't feel like I miss my old life, but I think he misses his. That's fair. And often men don't understand how much their life has changed. And I'm going to just speak for me. I didn't know because I didn't know. Nobody let me babysit when I was in middle school or high school. I was never around little kids. And whatever I Googled was just so much. I even went to parenting classes.

I knew, I didn't know what screaming baby meant. I didn't know how to comfort a kid. I knew how to fold a diaper. I went to that class, but I didn't know kids crapped 117 times a day. I didn't know any of this stuff. I didn't know, I didn't know, I knew that babies needed to eat every two hours. I didn't know that the clock started the moment they started eating. I thought it was when they got done. I didn't know any of that stuff. And it became a source of frustration because my wife knew all these things and it felt

It was frustrating for her to have to tell me all this stuff. I didn't know. I didn't know. I feel like I want him to know that I'm a completely different person in the same body. That's where the conversation has to be. Everything in our marriage as we knew it is over now. What do we want to be true moving forward? What do we want to be true moving forward?

I just want us to be a team. We've always been one. And I want our kids to grow up and see us be a team. I want my daughters to know that they can be strong and that they can do the things they love and they don't have to sacrifice just to be a mom. Like, I want them to grow up and know that. Hold on, that's not true. It's not true. There is sacrifices when you become a mom.

That is true. There's choices. They don't have to sacrifice everything to be a mom. Not everything, but there are sacrifices to be made. And some of the sacrifices might be, my husband has a dream that when he walks home, the house feels a certain way. Well, it's not going to when we have two kids two years and younger. It's just not. Unless he wants to work extra hours and hire someone to come clean the house. Yeah. Or if he wants to come home and pick up a vacuum and spend 15 minutes when he walks in the door. Great.

But a lot of that is, okay, our marriage as we knew it is over. We've always been a team. The way we're trying to be a team is really us trying to go back to driving the minivan. The minivan wrecked. Minivan's over. It actually didn't wreck. It just ran out of gas. We planned our life to be different. We just didn't understand how different it was all going to be.

Yeah. And so here's the, I'm going to give you the exercise that whenever I do marriage stuff all over the country in person or whenever, like this is what shifted it in my house. Okay? Okay. The exercise my wife and I did was how do you want this house to feel like when you walk in the door? And then once I said out loud and she said out loud, in fact, we wrote it down. Here's what I want this house to feel like. Then we just reverse engineered it. Well, then here's what must be true. And I had to make some significant changes.

And my wife had to make some significant changes. But that was the exercise of us staying on the same team. And by traffic, and I don't like to do this very often, but by trafficking and feeling, how do you want this house to feel? That kept me out of my charts and graphs solutions mode. Okay. But my guess is your husband just knows how to provide solutions because that's what his job pays him for.

He's very analytical. Yeah. And that provides a chunk of the roof under which y'all both are building a home. And it's hard for people, especially for men, when they go to work and they get celebrated and paid for a thing and they go home. I had a conversation with my son last night. Hey, what? Like people from all over the country pay me a ton of money to come sit down and ask questions about relationships and stuff. How come you won't ask me?

Like, what world have I created? And he's like, well, and his explanation was actually really good and thoughtful and profound. But it's that's not why I need you for dad. And he was right. And so the thing I do at work isn't the thing that my family needs sometimes. And that's OK. I think that would have a very profound impact on him if I said it like that. OK, but I think the exercise and the planning and the dreaming can be a blast sometimes.

But you have to get past the defensiveness. He gets defensive and then you get defensive and then they just, both of y'all build walls and all you can do is just throw grenades over each other's walls. Something about, okay, what we had was amazing. We used to make out all the time, used to make spreadsheets and I would work and I would be on like volunteer. Like it was just awesome. We do whatever we wanted to. And in the last 24 months, the life as we, as we knew it's over now, now what? And I don't need your spreadsheets. I just need you.

I don't need your analytics and your plans and your extreme ownership. I don't need that. I need you to pick up a vacuum. After the feelings conversation, I'll tell you an exercise my wife and I do every day of our lives is to say, how can I love you today? And what does your picture of today look like? Not, hey, what do you got going on tonight? We talk past each other when we do that.

What's your picture of today look like? Let's be very specific about what today is going to look like. Okay, cool. I can make that happen. If he's driving home knowing I had a crazy day at work, I'm going to pull into the driveway. First thing I'm going to do is grab the, I'm going to hug my wife, give her a kiss. And I'm going to grab the, I'm going to grab a sponge, clean the dishes up real fast. He can do that. He can do that all day long. And then he gets to choose if he wants to be a whiny baby resentful or choose to be like, yeah, that's right.

Didn't think this is how I'd be helping my family. But in this season, this is how I'm helping my family. That's awesome. I get to do this. Other men went to war for centuries and I get to do the dishes when I get home. That's awesome. And then go by the day. Man, just knowing that though is so big. Having that conversation. Thank you for the call. Just know you're not crazy. And every couple I know goes through this. The couples that not only survive, but thrive on the other side of this. They have a celebration for what was...

And then they say, okay, let's build something new. What does that look like? And often the things that worked in the old life don't work so well in this new life. Great. And everybody gives up something when you have two kids in two years and you both want to work full time and everybody gives up something. Just negotiating, what are we giving up and for how long? You're awesome, Nikki. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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That's join, J-O-I-N, joindeleteme.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to my old stomping grounds, Wichita Falls, Texas, and talk to Misty. Hey, Misty, what is up? Hey, how are you doing? I'm good. How are you? I'm alive. Hey, that's better than the alternative. Right. And you sound like Wichita Falls. How long have you lived there?

I'm born and raised here. That does not surprise me. I see Kelly nodding. Uh-oh. You sound like Wichita Falls. Good on you. Okay, so what's up? Oh, I just was wondering if you could help me with how long a relationship can continue when you live separate lives. Ah! I was going to be mean. Can I be mean?

Absolutely. That's like the, that's like, that's the most passive aggressive question I've been asked in a long time. Like, what do you actually mean?

Um, we have separate lives and it seems as if our relationship is kind of the recreation part. Um, he does his thing. I do mine. He's career oriented. I've got multiple things going on and we just, I don't know. It just seems like at the end of the day, it's almost like a meet and greet kind of thing. Like, I don't know. It's like we're trauma bonded, so we can't

seem to get around that. And I think that we trigger each other's issues, but at the same time, we're so codependent on just the safety net of knowing that they're at home. And that's basically what our relationship has come to be. You're on social media a lot, aren't you? No, I actually do not do social media at all. No, you use all the right words, all the buzzwords these days. So you have a relationship, you're in one.

Correct. And it's working exactly as y'all have designed it. The question is, do we want to have a different kind of relationship? Does that make sense? You have one and y'all are roommates. It sounds like y'all hook up every once in a while. And it sounds like you like the pacifier and blankie effect of there's always going to be a warm body when I get there. And so y'all have a relationship. The choice is, do we want to build and do something different?

And it doesn't have to be guided by a trauma bond. It doesn't have to be guided by codependency. It can be guided by here's what we are choosing our relationship to be like. And it takes both of you to make that choice. Makes sense. To complicate things, we met when we were 12 and we also have children together and two teenagers. How does that complicate it?

Because I've got his son and my daughter and our daughter together. And since the beginning, we've been together for over 12 years. He's kind of kept us separate like he was living with me. But when he got his son, who was five at the time, he kept us separated. And now that our daughter is almost 10 that we have together...

Now he's suddenly wanting to incorporate the family thing when he's trained us all to keep each other separate. Stop with that. Stop with that, Misty. He's trained, yo. He made a bad choice. He thought he could just separate his life and have this life and then that life and that life, and then he realized that's not working. I want to bring this stuff together. It's going to be uncomfortable for everybody, but you're not a Pavlovian dog. I mean, you're a grown-up, and...

So he's now saying, hey, I want to have everybody together. You get to make a choice. I don't want that. I refuse to have that. In fact, I'd rather not have a relationship with you than have that. I'm trying to give you your ownership back. And you seem to have outsourced it to, well, we've known each other for a long time. Well, he's got another kid by another kid. Well, he's wanted to try to keep everything separate. And that's not work like kind of like the old the old the old quote, like.

It's not that I just learned 10,000 ways how to not make a light bulb. Okay, well, y'all have learned a lot of ways to not do this. Now y'all can choose something different. But you're in the driver's seat. I just don't feel like I'm in the driver's seat. Sometimes I feel like I'm like one of his kids, you know, like, oh, I did the dishes. Can we go to dinner? Or, oh, I did, like, I feel like I'm constantly, like, performing for, I guess, attention or for, you know,

I guess my own insecurities, um, recognition or reassurance or. Yeah. Oh, take, take full ownership. He's not, he's not physically or emotionally abusive, is he? Oh no. Well, not physically. Okay. Um, so let me ask you, what do you, what do you get out of it? Like you're seeking happiness or safety or peace, um, not peace, but you're seeking some way. And it sounds like you've been seeking it by trying to perform, um,

trying to be reassured, but what does your body get from it? Stress. Okay. So can we agree it's not working? Absolutely. Okay. Close your eyes for me. What do you want this? Like, imagine he walks in from being at work and you've got what? Three kids at home. Well, I've got two at home full time. Okay. Two at home full time. You just, do you work full time? Yes, but I work from home, but I also homeschool the little one. Good God almighty. Okay.

So again, making choices. We're having a very, we're creating a very chaotic life for ourselves. And yes, I get wanting to homeschool. And yes, there are some financial realities to how much money we do or don't have. And if you're a full-time homeschooler of young kids, then you are not being fully present with your employer. That will end at some point. Well, I'm an author, so I write at my own pace. Okay. Is that a job? Are you making money?

Yes, I'm published. That's not what I asked you. I know tons of public, I mean, published authors. I think the average book that's sold in the United States sells less than 12 copies or something like that. I mean, some insanely low number. Do you contribute to the bills on a weekly or monthly basis? Yes. Okay. So however you set it up, he walks in the door after being at work. How do you want that house to feel? Give me some words. Safe, comfortable. Okay.

Get underneath comfortable, get underneath safe. Those are too broad. Be really specific. What does safe look like? What does it feel like? Here's an example. No longer walking on eggshells, no longer fearing that abandonment, no longer feeling like I'm being graded based on the day that I had when he walked home or walked in the door. All of these things are, you just outsourced it all. I'm asking you, okay? Mm-hmm.

And I hope you see where I'm headed here. He walks in the door and he sees me and he just smiles. I can see it in his eyes. He's got big eye crinkles. And I'm in the middle of doing whatever it is I'm doing. And I put up a finger to say, hold on. And I finish what I'm doing. And he comes over and we just hug. And I feel his shoulders drop because I'm his safe place. And my shoulders drop. And the kids are barking and hollering and we don't even care.

And then I see him pick up both of the kids and makes weird noises or makes fart noises or whatever he does. I don't know what he does. And then he puts his forehead onto your forehead and he says, my God, I missed you today. How can I love you right this minute? And you say, well, first pick up your shoes. You always leave your shoes. And he laughs and goes, oh gosh, I forgot. I'll get my shoes. I'm going to go change. That's safety. You get what I'm saying? Like, I want you to be that specific in your head.

Because right now you're saying, well, if he doesn't do this and he doesn't do this, he doesn't, that's not helpful. I want you to decide, I'm not walking on eggshells in my house anymore. So what does that actually look like? That means that if I'm homeschooling kids and I'm working, I'm trying to produce 10 pages of writing every day. And I'm trying to produce little minds that I'm going to sit down and say, hey, honey, every time you walk home, I feel like I'm getting graded. And I feel like I'm less than, and I want to be a teammate here.

Can we have that conversation? That's different than, well, if you walk in and you would quit, you see what I'm saying? Right. I just feel like I am like an inconvenience or I'm like an obligation. I sometimes feel like. Has he told you that or is that a story you're telling yourself? His actions have basically said those things to me over the years. Give me an example of an action.

I wasn't a good news today until this, or, well, if it wasn't for this or that, like he always throws things from my past or our past problems, like in my face. And it's like, he can't forgive or forget those things. And I'm actually a cancer survivor. That's how my 2020 started. And ever since then, I just feel like that he,

He kind of resents and blames me that we had to go through that, even though it's not like I did it on purpose. I mean, if he's truly saying, well, if it wasn't for your stupid cancer, we'd have this much money. Well, it's not the money. It's the, I guess it's the, it's almost like he's checked out because he's worried that, it's almost like he's already grieved and lost me. And now I'm just stuck here like, oh, great, she didn't die. That's a story you're making up.

Yes, he probably did peer over the edge and imagine his life with you gone, and he can't breathe. He's known you since he was 12, and he probably very obtusely has no idea how to sit down in front of his wife and say, I'm so scared I almost lost you. It's not an excuse. It's just reality. And then you've taken that, his inability to do that, and run with it. Oh, I'm just this. Oh, I'm just this. Oh, I want to encourage you. Stop being a victim in your own home.

If he says, well, I was having a great day until you did this, you can smile at him and say, I'm so sorry you're choosing to be in a bad mood. Because he's making a choice. Right. I always tell him if I have the power to control his mood, I would put him in a good mood more often. There you go. And then you go do the next right thing. But I would love what it would look like to say, hey, I almost died. We survived. We've had two kids. You've got a kid. I've got a kid. We've got a third kid. We've got all the stuff. I'm writing. I'm trying to...

I want to rebuild a whole new marriage. Would you be in? One where you can't wait to get home and I can't wait to have you home. And one where we both collapse in bed, exhausted at the end of the day because we both went all in. Would you be in for that? And if he looks at you and says, I ain't doing that. Then y'all have got deeper challenges that y'all need to get to. And if he looks at you and says, I don't know what that even means. If you tell him, I want to create a world where you can't wait to come home because I'm your safe place. And I want...

you to, I want to feel like I belong in my own house. I want to feel like I've got value and worth and purpose here. And I'm struggling with that right now. You're not blaming. You're not criticizing him. You're owning how your body feels. Could he play a role? Not sure, but it's all about taking ownership, ownership, ownership. Missy, I'm going to send you a copy of building a non-anxious life. I want you to, to go through that book together, go through it together and say, look, we can create this. We can create this home.

or we can just choose to fight and nag and complain and separate and all we can just keep doing that as you put live separate lives but y'all have a relationship the choice is do we want to build a new one we're going to build something totally different we get to do that or we're just going to keep doing this one until we beat all the life out of it and we make choices to move on i absolutely with all my heart believe y'all can build something new if you want to it's going to take both of you and it's going to take no more blaming and we're criticizing

It's going to take constructive support and negotiation and care moving forward. I believe you can do it. Hang on the line, Misty. We'll get you hooked up. We'll be right back.

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Hey, Dr. John, how are you? Nice to talk to you. I'm all right. It's great to talk to you also. What's going on? In May of this year, I was involved in a fatal accident. I was in my semi when another semi hit me head on at 65 miles an hour. He passed away. I survived and I'm having one heck of a time trying to put everything together and

And why did I survive? We both took the same hit. And it's just been pretty bad the last couple months going over that, you know? I hate that for you. I hate that for him. I hate that for everybody. Yeah, it was pretty bad. It closed down the US-93, which is the main road from Phoenix to Vegas for nine hours. It was that bad.

What happened? Both of our trucks burned to the ground in less than 20 minutes. That's how bad the fire was. What happened? A young man, he was trying... We were on a two-lane freeway, and he was trying to... He was in a semi as well. He tried to pass another vehicle, and when he did that, he got into the southbound lane, which was my lane. I didn't see any of this happening at that point.

He and the semi that was coming towards him either was going to hit him head on or he was going to ditch his truck into the desert, which is what he did that first truck. At that point, the guy that caused the accident, he kind of lost control of his vehicle, clipped the back of a medium sized moving truck.

sent that guy flying into the desert. And at that point, his front end tires were messed up. And at that point, I saw that and all I saw was him coming for me. There was nothing I could do. I was also in a semi. Thank God I wasn't loaded because if I had weighed 80,000 pounds, my truck wouldn't have had any give and I probably would have died myself. He hit me head on. He hit me in the middle and on my passenger side.

And I literally had no time to think, pray, think about my family, nothing. It happened so quickly. All I could do was brace myself and literally close my eyes when we hit. We hit so hard that my seatbelt didn't engage right away. So it allowed me to be thrown forward. I hit my head on the steering wheel. I had glasses on that day. So I think that may have helped me a little bit. The glasses, it kind of cushioned, I think.

So I had a black eye and I had not a head injury, but I did have a concussion and whiplash and all that. And the seatbelt had held me in and it was such a bad impact that I had broken ribs on my right side. I had a lower left collapsed lung. So when we came to a stop, I couldn't breathe. My daughter was actually on Bluetooth on the phone when this all happened. I was speaking to her. My

My phone was in the seat next to me, so I was completely hands-free. I was watching the road. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Do me a huge favor. Take a huge, huge, huge, huge deep breath. Yeah. You're going to robot mode on me. Yes, I know. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Four times, four different times, you let me know what you weren't able to do. Hear me as clearly as I can say it.

I couldn't breathe. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh. This young man's death was not your fault. No, I know. I know it wasn't my fault. You know that intellectually. He was an older gentleman, but it doesn't matter. You know that intellectually, but you keep reminding everybody who you've told this story to. And you've got this down as a script, as though you're giving a deposition. Yep.

And that's a way you can keep this story at arm's length from your nervous system. Stop for a second. Exhale. You did not kill this man. I know. You're so... I'm sorry that you were in this wreck. But you're not a robot. You're my friend Toby from Las Vegas. Right. You're a mom. Yeah. Probably scared the crap out of your daughter, huh? Yeah, it did. Yeah, it did. And it was our business, too. So I watched our business burn to the ground. Yeah, yeah. And, uh...

We haven't regained any money financially from the other side. And we had to drop $80,000 on a new truck and trailer, which hit us financially because we're building a house. And now that has stopped all of that because of that. So it's been just a domino effect. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop,

Nope. And talking really fast about it and talking very clinically about it and being like, and then, and then, and then, and then it doesn't get you there. Right. You literally watched it all burn in flames. Yep. I think it will be made whole, but it's taken forever. And we hear about that all the time. Like, Oh, the money. Nobody talks about the six months or two years or five years. The insurance companies sue each other over it. And before anybody gets anything. Right. Nobody talks about the other guy who passed away.

No, they didn't. And that was what I noticed at the scene of the accident when the police came on scene and they were asking who was involved. And I told them I was and I pointed to my truck and they were like, well, where's the guy, the guy that was in that vehicle? And the young, there was a young man that actually saved me and got me out of my truck six seconds before my truck was engulfed in flames.

So he was standing there. And so we tell the cop, we're like, the man that was in that vehicle, he burned to death. We heard him screaming. We heard him. We heard him screaming for his life. And the cop was just so used to so many accidents of these exact kind of accidents happening on that road. He was like a robot. And he was like, oh, okay. Toby, who cares? I almost, I almost died. I almost heard it.

It's the first time I've heard humanity on this call. I know. Who cares what the cops said? Cops have to do hard stuff all day long. You're right. They have to switch to robot mode. Right. You had your life saved. Yeah, I did. Six seconds. You heard another man burn to death. Yep. Nobody saved him. No. Nobody tried. Nobody could. Nobody tried. Who knows? Yeah.

Who knows? I don't know. Right? I didn't see. You didn't see. So I wouldn't add that story to an already messy, messy, messy situation. Right. I only heard him. Maybe they did try. That's what I keep hearing. That's right. That's right. Well, if it wasn't for that young man that saved me, I don't think I would have been saved either. What was his name? Because everybody else that was standing around was filming. What was his name? Instead of helping. Hey, Toby. Blake. Toby, Toby, Toby. The man...

You're blaming, you're protecting. Sit with me for a second, will you? You like keep running off. I know. And then we sit here and then you run off. Like, look what those guys did. Look what they didn't do. Look how that guy talked to me. Look what those guys were filming. Just sit with me. None of that we can change. Nope. And all of that is a distraction to the survivor's guilt. Why him and not me? Why did we lose everything? We're going to build a house. What did I do wrong? What happened?

Well, the worst part is I have to get back in that truck and pass by that accident scene every single day. And I'm going to reject that. It's a choice you make. You don't have to do anything. Well, it's our business, so I want to do that because it's our business. Now we got it because here's the deal. Right. When you start taking ownership, then your body knows, okay, you're back in the driver's seat. That's different than a have to. Yeah.

And we're going to begin to regain ownership choice by choice by choice by choice because you get to choose what happens next. But you can't skip over the fact that it almost all went away. And if you keep jumping over this little part of it, by the way, it's a huge part of it, your body will continue to solve for it and solve for it and solve for it. And you're going to try to solve for it with blame and anger and rage and frustration and madness and all of this. And none of that helps the healing process.

No, it doesn't. No. Sit with me on this bench right here on the side of the Nevada desert. What was the name of that man who pulled you out of the truck? His name is Blake Martinez. Blake Martinez saved my damn life. Yeah, he did. So tonight we're going to write Blake a letter. Dear Blake, thank you for saving my life.

I've actually been able to tell him that in person on the phone. That doesn't count. I want you to write it down. I know. Okay. I want you to write it. I want you to feel it. And when you, not I want you to type it, I want you to write it. It's going to make you go slow and you have to feel it. Okay. What was the name of the man who died?

I can't release his name because of what's going on with the lawsuit. Okay, that's fine. You know the name. I want you to write a letter. Yeah. And in that letter, there's going to be rage. You took my business, my life, everything from me. Trying to pass a car when you had no business doing that. And I'm so sorry I was stuck in this truck because everything in my body wanted to come save you and I couldn't. Yeah. And here's what you're going to do as you're writing this. That man's not hurting anymore. No. Those screams that you heard, they're over. There's a period at the end of that sentence.

And our bodies get locked as though somebody's still hurting right now. And our heart rate goes up. Everything tightens up. And we go to trying to solve, solve, solve. Where is everybody? Why are you all still filming? It happened. He's passed away. Right. He's not in pain anymore. Nope. Okay. And until we have proof otherwise, let's trust that the insurance companies are going to do what insurance companies do. And then they're going to get us our check. Yeah. Let's let the lawyers do what the lawyers do.

And let's not be mad at the cop because we were in the middle of a concussion and our whole business and our lives were burned to the ground. And thank God we still have a life. And thank God Mr. Martinez saved my life. And let's not judge a cop for our perceived remembrance of his vocal tone. Yeah, I understand. Let's just be grateful he's there. Yep. And let's write a letter to our daughter. Dear daughter, I'm so sorry that you're so scared. I'm so glad I still get to be your mom. Okay? You're tough, aren't you? Yep. Yeah, I am.

This knocked me for a loop. I'll tell you that right now. I know. I know. But I want you to sit in the dust for just a second. You're strong. I have no doubt you'll get up and dust yourself off. You've already got a new truck. You've already moved on. You've been saving for a house. You've got these plans. The plans are going to come through. It's just going to take a little bit longer. Life's different now. But you can't skip over the grief part. And you can't skip over the fragility part. That life is so fragile that somebody can just...

Try to change lanes going down the highway and cause all this pain and hurt and death and catastrophe. Yeah. And survivor's guilt is real. You're not broken. You're not crazy. The why me questions can only be answered with action. Right. I don't know why me, but I know what me is going to be about. Me is going to be about what? David Kessler says finding meaning. How are we going to make meaning of this? Yeah.

Are you going to go around angry all the time and clenched up all the time? Are you going to hug that baby girl of yours so much more tighter? Are you going to hug that husband of yours so much tighter? Yeah. Are you going to put both hands on the bathroom mirror and look deeply into Toby's eyes and say, we're supposed to be here for something. We're going to make the most of it. Right. I'm going to love recklessly. I'm going to build a big business. I'm going to build a home and I'm going to have a room just for people to come stay with. Like whatever it is you want to do.

That's how you answer the why me questions. What are you going to do next? What are you going to be about? Who are you going to become? Are you with me? Yeah, I am. What are you feeling? I think everything's coming out now. Okay. Because, I mean, I have doctors and I have a psychiatrist, but all he wants to do is push drugs, and I don't think that's the answer. I don't think drugs are going to help.

It'll pause the pain for a bit if you're stuck. Yeah, but you still got to deal with it eventually. I do. I mean, that's what I believe. You do. Yeah, I mean... Are you married? Yeah, I've been married for 32 years since I was 16 years old. Has your husband looked at you and said, I almost lost my baby? No. Okay. He shows his love in different ways, and I can see that it scared him. Okay.

I want you to do something really scary. I want you to ask him, say this goofball on the radio asked me to do this thing. I want you to write a letter to your husband. Dear husband, I almost lost you. You almost lost me. Here's what I would miss. Here's what I know you would miss. And ask him, will you write me that same letter? And we're going to read them to each other. And he might say, I'm not doing that. Say, just for me, would you?

And I want you all to look at each other with your daughter there, and I want you to read them. And if you want to invite her in on it too, that's cool. You'll have to experience this together. Yeah. You got to experience it together. I almost lost everything. I almost lost you. You've been my man since I was 16 years old. Right? Yep. I agree. I listen to you every day when I'm driving. You're like the top person I listen to every day. I appreciate it. And I appreciate your trust.

Yeah. This is a terrifying, everything is different now. It is. But all of that, the foundation of the new home, the new thing we're going to build is, hey, baby, I almost lost you. And we're just going to hug for a second. And I need you to look at me and tell me that you almost lost me and it scared you. Ah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You almost lost me. Say it. Hold me. We can go be badass later. But right now, we're going to sit in it. Right. Right.

Yes, I agree. Okay. And we're going to write Martinez a letter. Okay. We're not going to be weird. No. We're going to write him a letter. And maybe your husband writes him one too. Hey, you saved my wife. Thank you. Gracias, amigo. Thank you for saving my wife. Without you, my family is gone.

We're going to metabolize this. We're going to sit and we're going to go do the next right thing. We're not going to mope about, but we are going to acknowledge this. We're not going to criticize and blame and scream and yell and kick and whatever. That's what we hire lawyers to do. We're going to own reality, own the truth, and we're going to be sad about what was. We're going to be sad about what was lost. We're going to be heartbroken. And then we get to decide, okay, what are we going to go build next? Toby, I'm so grateful you've been riding with us, no pun intended, and I'm grateful that you're still here. And I'm grateful to Mr. Martinez, and I'm heartbroken over...

the older man who passed away. I'm grateful for everybody who helped, for the doctors who showed up for you. And I'm grateful for what you and your husband and your daughter and your family are going to build moving forward. And you get to choose every step of the way. Thank you for honoring me with your trust. You're a brave woman. I appreciate you. Don't forget to stop and sit on bench for a minute and just drop your shoulders and say, this happened. And remember, the answer to the why me question is always with action. Who am I going to become now? What am I going to go do

Because on this side of the great divide, we don't know why. But I know I get to choose what happens next. We'll be right back. The budgeting and spending app that I love and I personally use is EveryDollar. And it's the greatest budgeting and planning app on planet Earth.

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That's everydollar.com slash DELONI or go to the App Store and download EveryDollar and use promo code DELONI. Get control of your money with EveryDollar. All right, we're back. Kelly, bring some joy, something. This is a tough show. Yes, it was. So this is a cool craft that happened because we need that. So this is from Sierra. She says, my seven-year-old gets fixated on buying things and his latest obsession is the finger skateboards.

Those are really cool, by the way. I don't know why. Did you know no one in the history of the English language has ever uttered that sentence? I know, but there's something my son had a couple a long time ago. There's something kind of addictive about him. Anyway, he really wanted to buy a ramp slash skate park. I told him that he could when he had enough money. The next morning, magically, he had enough money. Ayo. He said that he had saved it from doing jobs.

I typically pay my child through Apple Pay on his watch, so that answer seemed suspicious. Why does your seven-year-old have an Apple watch? Okay, let's focus. This is cool crap. We're focusing on the good. Back here. Come with me. Jeez. I told him that I didn't fully believe him, but I didn't have any evidence to prove that he was lying. Then I kind of guilt tripped him by using the Ten Commandments and saying that God will know the truth and to please not value this toy of a relationship with

Please get to the good stuff. I'm getting there. Okay. At the end, does she stop threatening him with the love of the Lord and take his Apple Watch away? Okay. You've ruined this. I've ruined this. All right, keep going. All right. Long story short, I grabbed his face with both my hands and looked him in his eyes and said, things will always go well for you when you tell the truth. He started crying. That's not true either. Okay, keep going.

I think we need to start this over. I don't think so. Keep going. I do. Keep going. It's great. He started crying and told me that he'd only had $5 and he took the rest from his brother's closet. He made it right and we helped him earn the rest of the money. I've learned that holding on to my children's faces has been the greatest blessing that you could have given me.

I always tear up and I feel it deep inside my soul as you're healing me as well as when you tell husbands to grab their wife's faces and say, I love you. I'm not leaving. I'm sorry. Whatever the thing is. Thank you for always breaking it down to the smallest detail when giving people practical next steps. Keep being awesome, Kelly. You're doing a great job. Oh, and you too, John. You just added that, Kelly. Great. I'm glad that we're making a positive contribution in the world. I am. And...

on behalf of future mental health practitioners of America. I appreciate parents who threaten their kids with God because that assures a length, like a future pool of people who are going to need counseling. Hey. Sierra, I am so sorry. Sierra, you know I'm messing with you. You know I'm messing with you. This is great. Fantastic. I'm really proud of you that you stopped like, hey, here's the meta here.

We tried ignoring. We tried threatening. And then we chose connection. And connection was where we found the exhale. And you freed your son to say, I made a bad choice. You still love me. And you said, yeah, I do. We're going to go make this right. There's consequences. We're going to go make it right. That was awesome. Thanks for letting me clown a little bit. Still processing today's show. That was a little bit not nice. And Sierra, take away the Apple Watch. I believe in you. Love you guys. Bye.